“Man, it is really hard to find a bathroom in this city! Every place you try to go, they say you have to buy something first. No wonder there is so much public urination in the Big Apple!’
Greetings Gleeks! After weeks of speculation, the moment we’ve been waiting for all season, has finally come and gone. The Glee kids came, saw, and conquered New York City . . . or at least a squeaky clean, sparkly, neutered version of it. Speaking of neutered . . .
“Where the heck did my balls go? I know I had them earlier in the season, back when I was in JUVIE. Is it possible that when I was taking a shower in the communal . . . ? Uh oh!”
Times Square: The One Place Where You Can Still Buy Tickets to See Cats
“These tickets all say ‘SUCKER’ on them. Ooh, maybe that’s one of the Cats’ Names!”
The episode begins with the Glee kids arriving in the usually bustling (and sometimes pretty scary) Times Square. Although Times Square is typically, by far, the busiest part of Manhattan, the Glee kids find the area eerily void of humanity (AND DIRT!). Seeing this reminded me of the opening dream sequence of that Really Bad Tom Cruise Movie (well . . . at least I thought it was really bad). You know . . . the one where he goes to Times Square, and learns that he’s the Only Man Left on Earth. Talk about a HORROR FILM!
“L. Ron Hubbard predicted this would happen.”
Anyway, the Glee kids all start belting out “New York, New York,” on the steps near the TKTS Broadway ticket booth. And I cringe inwardly, waiting for one of them to get mugged. Then Rachel actually DOES . . . well, sort of. Standing in front of the rest of the Glee Club, Little Miss Barbra Streisand 2.0 excitedly informs her pals that she got them all tickets to see “Broadway’s Longest Running Show . . . Cats.” It is then up to Quinn, of all people, to break it to Rachel that the show has actually been off Broadway for ELEVEN YEARS!
“Oh, Febray! Say it ain’t so!”
(By the way, was anybody else bugged by the fact that RACHEL, the Human Broadway Show Encyclopedia — who usually spends at least 5 minutes per episode spouting out useless facts about the Great White Way — DIDN’T know Cats was dunzo, but QUINN did?)
Anyway, the kids quickly head to the hotel, where Cheapskate Mr. Schue only manages to secure them TWO ROOMS (which has GOT to make the Bathroom Situation an absolute NIGHTMARE!). Oh, and I’m pretty sure the “self-sacrificing teacher” somehow managed to get a room all to himself. (Real nice, right?)
“Well, if I roomed with the kids, I couldn’t watch 8 hours of hotel porn, now could I?”
I have to giggle a little bit when Puck and Zizes try to get served at the hotel bar (They order a Manhattan, har de har har.), and the bartender actually QUESTIONS whether these two are of drinking age. This, of course, is despite the fact that both Puck and Lauren each look about 35-years old, and, by Glee’s timeline, have probably been chugging back shots of tequilla, since they were twelve . . .
PUCK: “Hey Sweet Cheeks, what time are you getting off from work? I’m sharing a hotel room (and two double beds) with five other guys. We can show you a REAL good time . . . and my girlfriend can watch.”
As if Mr. Schue hasn’t already proved himself to be the Worst Chaperone EVER, he then decides to lock the Glee kids in a SINGLE hotel room, so that THEY can pen the songs they SHOULD have come up with weeks ago for the National Competition, which is less than 24 hours away. Meanwhile, HE goes off to
promote Matthew Morrison’s upcoming album pursue his Broadway Dreams . . .
“On stage, we call this an ‘Inspired Performance.’ In the potty, we call this a Bad Bout of Constipation.”
A Stagehand happens to catch Will Schuester performing “Matthew Morrison’s Hit Single ‘We’ve Got Tonight'” on an empty stage, in the theater where April Rhodes’ CrossRhodes (not to be confused with the terrible Britney Spears film of the same name) is set to debut. Stagehand is quick to compliment Will on his “obvious talent.” He then tries to sell Schue some leftover tickets to Cats . . .
“They say there’s a sucker born every minute. When’s your birthday?”
Nothing Says Loving Like a Street-side Serenade Outside Sardi’s
ARTIE: “Just think, at this time last night, real, honest to goodness, hookers could have been occupying this very spot.”
SAM: “Hey Puck! Put down the friggin accordion! You’re TOTALLY destroying our game!”
PUCK: “What? I want the ladies to know I’m good with my fingers!”
Cooped up in the hotel room, Artie and Brittany offer up THEIR suggestion for an Original Song the Glee kids can sing at Nationals. It’s called “My Cup.”
I can’t be the only viewer who found this song a little dirty, right? I mean, come on . . . “In the middle of the night, I’m in bed alone. Don’t care if you’re paper, glass, or Styrofoam” ????
Santana TOTALLY gets it!
You can listen to this masterpiece (emphasis on the “master”) in its entirety, HERE:
Though Britney and Artie are the first ones to suggest an actual song, it’s QUINN . . .
(She of the “Last week, I said I was going to do something evil to Finn, and ruin Nationals for the Glee kids, when all I actually did was cut my hair short and scowl a lot.”)
. . . who comes up with the most INSPIRED performance idea. Bad Apple Quinn easily convinces the Glee kids to disobey Will’s wishes and spend the night running rampant around the city, instead of working on their Original Songs. “We don’t have to write Original Songs,” says Quinn. “New York City will write them for us.”
(You know, I hate to break this to you, Quinn, but I’ve been trying to get New York City to write my next novel, for about a year now. The City is just too damn lazy!)
Reality Checks notwithstanding, the Glee kids frolic around Central Park, while rocking out to an inspired “I Love New York / New York, New York” Mashup.
(Just out of curiosity, does anybody else agree with me that THIS mashup, along with Kurt’s and Rachel’s later duet from Wicked, would have, ultimately, been better choices, as Nationals performance numbers, than the songs the Glee kids actually ended up singing?)
Back in the boys’ hotel room, Finn, once again, suggests that Rachel and him singing a duet together would be a great strategy for
getting in Rachel’s panties winning Nationals. The rest of the boys agree, and egg Finn on to invite Rachel out on a romantic New York Date . “You know, like the ones in those romantic comedies, that make men grow a vagina, if they watch them all the way through,” Puck adds.
Did Puck just really say “vagina” on Fox? (And did I just type it . . . twice.)
(Taking this statement into consideration, one can’t help but wonder whether this is what happened to Puck, after he went on his first date with Lauren Zizes to see “Something Borrowed,” starring Kate Hudson.)
Speaking of girly movies, when Finn texts Rachel to ask her out on their Romantic Date, she looks like she’s trapped in the “Girl Bonding Montage” of a Chick Flick, herself . . .
RACHEL: “If one of you ends up getting a Makeover to Increase Your Self Esteem, I’m SO jumping off the Empire State Building . . . Oh, wait . . . Quinn actually DOES that, in the next scene? Just kidding!”
Finn takes Rachel out to explore the sights of New York.
“I guess going skinny dipping is out of the question, huh?”
The pair end up at Sardi’s for dinner, causing me to wonder what kind of High Class Paper Route Finn runs at home, because that place is NOT CHEAP!
“I hope you like washing dishes. Because that’s how I’ve arranged to pay for this meal.”
“Seriously? Now, instead of having Jazz Hands on stage tomorrow, I’m going to have Dish Pan Ones!”
At Sardi’s, Rachel encounters her idol,
Barbra Streisand Patti Lupone (I guess Barbra was busy?). Lo and behold, Patti has some Sage Advice for Rachel. She tells her to . . . wait for it . . . “Follow [Her] Dreams.”
Oh my goodness! I have never heard such inspiring words before. My life will never be the same again. Thank you, Glee!
Outside Sardi’s, Rachel tells Finn that the only thing that would make this night more perfect, would be if the pair were serenaded. So, of course, Finn’s posse magically appears, and starts singing “Bella Notte” to the Happy Couple . . .
You can LISTEN to the song, in its entirety, here:
Personally, I would have liked the scene much better, if the Boys started singing the Lady and the Tramp Song, back at Sardi’s, while Rachel and Finn were playing meatball hockey with their noses, and accidentally making out with one another, thanks to one Very Mischevious Strand of Spaghetti . . .
Speaking of making out, while the Boys are still singing, Finn tries to plant a wet one on Rachel. But, alas, Finn’s Love Interest of the Week runs away, because she
ate some bad Chicken Carbonara has to go “Follow Her Dreams” . . . or something. And because they have NO TACT WHATSOEVER, Finn’s boys actually continue to serenade him, even after he’s been FLAT OUT REJECTED . . .
(Needless to say, at the exact same moment when this is happening, about 200 men, forced to watch Glee at home with their girlfriends, spontaneously sprout vaginas . . .)
A Stagehand Saves the Day: Part 2 (Electric Boogaloo)
“We’re not in Lima, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean, Rachel.”
Kurt wakes Rachel up the following morning, so that the pair can have Breakfast at Tiffany’s (or, perhaps, more accurately, breakfast OUTSIDE of Tiffany’s). The aforementioned exchange made me wonder if Mr. Schue had followed the concierge’s advice, and assigned rooms based on “sexual orientation,” after all . . .
(Then again, had he done that, Santana would have been sleeping with the guys . . .)
Anyway, Rachel confesses to Kurt that she and Finn love eachother. However, she knows she’s destined to go to school in NYC and be on Broadway, and blah, blah, blah, Boyfriend Emergency, blah.
So, Kurt comes up with the “inspired idea” of breaking into the theater where the pair’s favorite Broadway Show, Wicked (Remember when they sang the duet to “Defying Gravity” together? Ah, memories!), is performed. This way, Rachel can see what she might end up missing in the long run, if she starts dating the Finn-ster
and actually ends up dating him for longer than a two-week period, this time . . .
“But we’ll get in trouble,” Rachel squeaks.
Have no fear, Little Berry, SUPER STAGEHAND is here to let you Live Out Your Broadway Dreams (provided your dreams only last fifteen minutes) . . .
With Super Stagehand’s permission, Kurt and Rachel perform a GORGEOUS duet to Wicked’s “For Good,” with the set of the play, flanking them on all sides . . .
“Woah, Kurt, how much hair product did you use this morning? I’m worried your Snookie Poof will set this set on fire!”
“Hey! I resemble that remark!”
You can watch Kurt’s and Rachel’s impromptu performance, here:
At the end of the duet, Rachel seems to have made her “Sophie’s Choice” . . .
Meanwhile . . .
Quinn Cuts Her Hair, Will Cuts the Chord . . . on his Dreams
Back in the hotel room, Quinn has a mini freakout, because her, Santana and Brittany “don’t have a chance at true love.” Umm . . . Quinn? You’ve been single for LESS ONE EPISODE.
You are act like a heinous bitch, about 95% of the time Please allow me to serenade you, with my tiny violin, regarding your Tragic Lack of True Love . . .
As for Brittany and Santana “not having love,” well, the former just dumped her boyfriend for calling her “stupid.” And the latter is faux-dating her fellow beard, Karofsky . . .
So, take that QUINN!
My personal annoyance with Quinn, notwithstanding, Brittany and Santana are surprisingly sensitive to their erstwhile-pal. They even attempt to bolster her foul mood, by treating her to a ridiculously overpriced New York haircut. And, as much as I dislike Quinn, I have to say, girlfriend looks quite fierce in her new do’ . . .
Downstairs at the hotel bar, Mr. Schue meets up with Vocal Adrenaline coach, Dustin Ghoulsby . . .
. . . (who, unfortunately, is wearing a bit more clothes in the scene, than he is in the above picture). Dustin has conveniently heard through the grapevine that Schue plans to leave teaching to pursue his Broadway Dreams. Dustin thinks that’s a fab idea, remarking how much HE would love to stop teaching Show Choir, considering how much he DESPISES his students. “But I love my students,” Will remarks, as I throw up a bit in my mouth.
Insert shallow attempt at humor here (I’ve got nothing.)
Will’s undying love for his underage students notwithstanding (See how I just made something Sickeningly Sweet and Innocent sound Disgustingly Inappropriate?), Dustin immediately rushes to go rat out Will to his students.
However, when Will arrives at the hotel room to collect the Glee kids for the Nationals competition, rather than bitch him out for NOT GIVING TWO CRAPS ABOUT THEM, THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE NEW YORK TRIP, they actually encourage Will to give Broadway a try. And yet, Will (who has clearly never met Patti Lupone) is not about to give up his love of teens for something as insignificant as a Once-in-a-Lifetime Opportunity at Fame and Fortune. Andhe tells his kids as much.
(So, much for leaving us with a Cliffhanger, Glee writers!)
Happy to have their Steadfast Mr. Schue for at least one more season, the Glee kids join their teacher in a Big Fat Group Hug. Puck enters the embrace first . . . because he has a vagina. (Ummm . . . yeah, I’ve used this word WAY too many times in this recap. It’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable, to be honest.)
Anywhoo enough about vaginas (DAMN! I did it again.), it’s NATIONALS TIME!
The Big Kiss . . . and The Even Bigger Kiss Off . . .
RACHEL: “Finn, is that GUM, in your mouth? How many times have I told you not to chew GUM on stage? It’s unprofessional.”
FINN: *blows bubble in Rachel’s mouth*
At the Nationals Competition, Some Random Girls’ Choir, wearing short slutty dresses, performs Usher’s 2004 hit, “Yeah.” And while their singing is “OK,” the dancing is ridiculous, and reminds me a bit of the Glee kids’ bizarre lunchroom dance to Salt n’ Pepa’s “Push It,” back in Season 1 . . .
You can listen to the song, here:
In the bathroom at Lincoln Center, Rachel and Sunshine Corazon come full circle from their Season 2, Episode 1, Potty Sing Off . . .
. . . when Rachel, upon hearing Sunshine RALPH in the toilet, finally apologizes for sending her to a crackhouse for Glee club auditions. When Rachel learns that Sunshine HATES Vocal Adrenaline, and is petrified of performing in front of the crowd(Can I smell a transfer BACK to New Directions for Sunshine in Season 3), the newly reformed diva even goes so far as to offer to give Sunshine the “thumbs up sign” when she’s on stage, so the youngun won’t be nervous. “But don’t you want to win?” Sunshine inquires, without the snarky edge she COULD have used with that line . . .
“How was the old crackhouse, by the way? I’ve been meaning to get back there for a refill, but I’ve been so busy not preparing for Nationals, that I haven’t really had the chance.”
“Guys like us have to stick together,” Rachel replies, pulling Sunshine in for a hug. (All together now, “AWWWWW!”)
Sunshine performs an original song entitled “As Long as You’re There.” And, while her voice is amazing, I must admit, I was mighty underwhelmed by herVocal Adrenaline backup dancers, who basically did the same dance to this WILDLY DIFFERENT number, as they did last year to “Bohemian Rhapsody during Regionals.
But don’t take my word for it. Watch the performance here, and judge for yourself . . .
During New Direction’s performance, a Smouldering Jesse St. Douchey-But -Still-Hot-James arrives, sneaking into a conveniently empty seat next to Schue to watch the show.
“I’m here to collect my payment for hitting on Rachel, and not helping you prepare for Nationals at all.”
Though Jesse claims to be only interested in the performance, it’s pretty obvious he’s there, because he’s still in love with Rachel. And Schue glibly calls him on that fact.
(So, am I the only one that’s still kind of rooting for Jesse? What can I say? I have a thing for Raging Asshats!)
Asshat Lovin’ = Good Lovin’
The first New Directions Number is an Original Song written by Finn, called “Pretending.” Not surprisingly, it’s a Finchel Duet.
“Pretending” sounds and looks pretty much like every other Finchel Duet we’ve seen since Season 1, from the “Walking Slowly Toward One Another from Opposite Sides of the Room” Bit to the “Staring Intently Into One Another’s Eyes While Holding Hands, and Making Teary Constipated Facial Expressions at Eachother” Bit. The only difference HERE is the ending, in which Finn (despite Rachel having reiterated her “I’ve got to follow my dreams” dumping of him, prior to the start of the performance) abruptly shoves his tongue down Rachel’s throat.
The audience is stunned into silence.
(probably because they skipped last week’s episode, and thought Finn was still dating Quinn). After a few moments of uncomfortable awkwardness, Schue offers the couple a tepid Slow Clap off the stage. Poor Jesse looks heartbroken. But hey, that’s what you get for making breakfast on your girlfriend’s head in Season 1 . . .
Watch “Pretending” and the Controversial Kiss that Ended it All here:
“Pretending” was followed up by another Original Song. This one was entitled “Light Up The World.” And, while it was peppier, and definitely more fun to watch, than “Pretending,” I didn’t find the song itself particularly memorable, or the dancing that accompanied the song all that different from what we saw at Regionals with “Loser Like Me.”
You can check out “Light Up The World,” here:
The Big Shock of the Evening
(though, considering the meh performances, it actually didn’t seem all that shocking) is that New Directions doesn’t end up placing in the Top Ten at Nationals. (It comes in twelfth.)
Oh, the humanity!
Though everyone is pretty bummed about the loss, no one takes it harder than Santana. The former Cheerio has a little Lima Heights Adjacent Style Freakout in the dressing room.
Once she is back home from New York, Santana even goes as far as to create a Yellow Cardigan- wearing-Rachel Voodoo Doll to torture. (Many of the Glee kids, Santana included, blame the loss on
how mediocre they performed the inappropriateness of the on-stage Finchel Kiss.)
So, of course, it is up to Brittany to cheer Santana up. During a very sweet little locker scene, Brittany tells Santana how much she loves her (but just as a friend . . . for now, at least), and how lucky the two of them are to have found “family” in their fellow Glee clubbers. Brittany’s surprisingly wise words do wonders for Santana’s spirits. And Santana tells Brittany as much . . .
I, for one, adore these two togther, and very much look forward to the mature progression of their relationship in Season 3.
Speaking of couples I adore, Kurt and Blaine finally exchanged “I LOVE YOU’S,” this week!
As dramatic as the multiple Finchel Moments were in this episode, I loved the quiet sweetness of this single Klaine moment. No over-acted overtures, extravagant gestures, or big speeches were necessary. This was just another day for Kurt and Blaine.
The couple was just having coffee together, sharing stories, and enjoying one another’s company. And then, seemingly out of no where, Blaine said it . . . the three words that Kurt undoubtedly has been wanting to hear, since he first met the guy, earlier this season.
It was perfect! Kudos to Darren Criss and Chris Colfer for the understated elegance of this memorable moment.
Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot, Finn and Rachel got back together. (SUPRISE!) After all that hemming and hawing about “following her dreams,” it turns out Rachel has an ENTIRE YEAR LEFT OF HIGH SCHOOL, before she even has to think of applying to NYU. Talk about an hour’s worth of unnecessary drama!
That being said, the couple’s second kiss on the floor of the library was way more adorable and genuine, than their overblown stage one, at least, in my opinion . . .
Speaking of couples, you know who else is secretly dating in Glee Club World
because heaven forbid any of these folks date someone who isn’t remotely involved in the show choir ? SAMCEDES!
Hmmm . . . it could work! 🙂
And, there you have it folks! Two seasons of Glee down, and hopefully, at least a few more to go. So . . . how did you like the finale? Did you think the Glee kids deserved to win Nationals? Are you down with Samcedes? Feel free to sound off in the comment section below . . .
Have a great summer, my Gleekies!