Tag Archives: penultimate episode

(Cross posted on Agony Booth.com)

As a show runner, inevitably, there will come a time in your life when your series is dangling on the precipice of cancellation, and seemingly nothing can save it but a miracle, a Hail Mary, and/or a calculated risk that has appeared so much in prime time over these past few years that it’s started to become cliché. You guessed it! Welcome to Once Upon a Time’s Musical Wedding Episode!

So rev up the song in your heart, strap on your dancing shoes, and start doing those vocal exercises, because we’ve got nothing to lose but our dignity!

Hit Me Baby, One More Time!

Once upon a Time, Little Orphan Emma wants to try out for the local talent show, get discovered and become Britney Spears . . . without the whole shaving her head, bashing in a car with an umbrella, and marrying K-Fed part, of course. She uses a tape recorder as her recording studio, because auto-tuning apps are not yet available to the general public. But then some bully kid shows up and crushes her dreams, as they are wont to do. “You will never become Britney Spears,” taunts the bully. “You’ll just end up the lead on an ABC show that airs between America’s Funniest Home Videos and The Match Game hosted by Alec Baldwin.”

Kids can be so cruel!

More Random Singing Please!

This week’s fairytale flashback involves Snow White making a wish that will give her unborn daughter a the weapon she needs to battle six seasons of increasingly improbably storybook villains. The good news is that Snow’s wish comes true. The bad news is that weapon apparently involves the entire cast of the show breaking out in song at regular intervals throughout the episode.

First up on American Idol: Fairytale Character Edition are Snow and Charming. They sing a song about love being powerful magic that occasionally exerts itself through random acts of singing and dancing. Basically, this song is the one designed to explain the plot of the rest of the episode. My favorite part was the CGI Bird at the beginning. That little chick has some pipes!

The Evil Queen’s up next. Her song about defeating love through an evil curse that sends people to Maine(!), is a bit less PG-rated. There’s rump shaking involved, and twerking, lots and lots of twerking. Miley Cyrus would be impressed . . . and also very, very frightened.

Emma’s future hubby has to sing too. So, Snow and Prince Charming track him down in a bar, and offer him the right to kill Rumplestilskin, in exchange for a ride on the Jolly Roger to the Evil Queen’s lair . . . despite the fact that said lair is right across the street from their castle, and seemingly completely land-locked.

Speaking of other realms, apparently, Snow’s “wish” has traveled all the way out to Oz, where the Wicked Witch has concocted a curse to counteract all this damn singing, and prove that she’s better than her sister the Evil Queen at being “BAD” . . . but not before she gets in a song of her own, of course.

Back in fairytale land, the Evil Queen and Snow and Charming have one final sing-off together, before the Evil Queen uses the Wicked Witch’s curse (which was sent via Fedex?) to stop all the singing, thus rendering Snow’s wish seemingly meaningless.

Enter the Blue Fairy.

“Hey, what gives, Blue? What kind of effed up wish granting was that? How is my singing for five minutes in the second to last episode of the show going to save my daughter from evil,” Snow complains.

“Wait about 30 years, and I’ll show you,” offers Blue cryptically.

“30 years?!!! This show will probably be canceled by then! You are terrible at your job!” Snow gripes.

About 30 Years Later . . .

Back in Storybrooke in present day, the Black Fairy arrives to tell the gang, (1) surprise Rumple screwed y’all over for the 85,000 time and I’m not actually dead, like you thought, (2) I’ve stored up an entire town’s worth of black farts to stink up your wedding, Emma, unless you give me your heart.

“Oh no! Not a stinky wedding!” Emma exclaims, nervously. “It’s bad enough, I have to get married on the smog-filled roof of a tacky diner! Now, I need to worry about gas too!”

Emma heads to Hook’s to bid him what she believes to be a final goodbye. Meanwhile, the Evil Queen and Wicked Witch manage to freeze time in a gambit to stop the whole smelly fart/ wedding destruction thing from happening, but only succeed in freezing themselves. (Oops!)

Doh!

Henry randomly finds Little Orphan Emma’s tape recorder, and wonders whether Emma can defeat the Black Fairy by becoming Britney Spears, after all. But a completely defeated Emma “valiantly” decides she’d rather give up her heart than shave her head, break a car window with an umbrella, and marry K-Fed (a wise choice, if you ask me).

Once Emma leaves, Henry finds the Storybook page from earlier in the episode in which the Blue Fairy told Snow White that her singing curse would help Emma in about 30 years. He looks at his watch and gets very excited about this.

When Emma encounters the Black Fairy, the latter taunts her with the images of her not-too-bright frozen friends. So, Emma offers up her heart to rescue them. But, much to the Black Fairy’s surprise, she can’t vanquish Emma’s heart. Why? You guessed it! It’s filled with the songs of all her friends, loved ones . . . and the Wicked Witch.

“The party doesn’t start ’til I fly in!”

So, of course, Emma has to start singing too. Her song is about how all her life she thought she was alone. But she wasn’t, because her loved ones (and the Wicked Witch) inadvertently made a mix tape together and inserted it inside her heart. Emma uses the mix tape to unfreeze the rest of the main cast, and vanquish the Black Fairy . . . but only temporarily, of course, because we still have one more episode left in the season.

Because wedding’s on the roof of a diner are way less tacky than weddings inside a diner . . .

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for folks. Hook and Emma get to get married. They choose to do it on the roof of Granny’s diner, because the show is on the verge of cancellation, and doesn’t have the budget to build a new set on such short notice. It’s a sweet wedding, and everyone’s invited, even the seemingly forever forgotten, Baby Neal!

Emma is wearing her mom’s wedding dress. And Hook is looking super dapper in a tux that’s surprisingly NOT made of leather. Jiminey Cricket officiates the wedding, because he apparently got ordained on the same website that gave him his degree in psychiatry. Emma and Hook then exchange their own heartfelt vows. And, because this is a musical episode, they naturally force the entire cast to break into just one more song. This one is about “Happy Beginnings,” and is super fitting to be featured in a show about to get cancelled.

Then, the Black Fairy’s curse comes and engulfs the entire wedding in stinky black farts. (So, when the cast sang “Happy Beginnings,” perhaps, they meant “Smelly Beginnings?”)

But it’s OK, Once fans! Emma now knows she has a mixtape in her heart! And everyone knows that stinky black farts are no match for mixtapes . . .

. . . unless, the show ends up being canceled after next week, in which case all bets are off . . .

 

 

 

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What Lost’s Jacob’s “Candidate” Job Opening Might Have Looked Like, if He Posted it on Careerbuilder.com

Those of you who watched Lost’s penultimate episode, “What They Died For,” last night (which was excellent, by the way), already know that, during it, the “mysterious and godlike” Jacob finally selected Jack Shepard as his “Candidate” to replace him on the Island. 

(And, for those of you who were surprised that it ended up being Jack, I have GOOD NEWS for you!  I am in the process of selling the Empire State Building for dirt cheap!  If interested, please send a check in the amount of $1 million, made payable to TV Recappers Anonymous, at  . . .)

Yeah, it was kind of predictable (and by “kind of” I mean “very”) that Jack would take the reins as “Guarder of the Light Thingy.”  And yet, while many of us viewers immediately surmised that this would ultimately end up being the case, Jacob, himself, was not nearly as quick on the uptake.  In fact, it literally took this dude CENTURIES of bringing people to the island and watching them die senseless deaths, to solve, what was essentially, a Human Resources Issue.

But all of this could have been avoided, had Jacob simply took advantage of modern hiring technology.  (After all, we already know the Island has internet access . . . ) 

So, just for kicks, I thought it might be fun to see what a “Jacob’s Candidate” job posting might have looked like, had it actually been placed on a job search website, like Careerbuilder.com.

Employer: Jacob

Job Title:   “Protector of the Light”

Location:   Undisclosed, but we call it “The Island”

Employee Type:    Full Time (And I’m not talking a 40 – 60 hour work week, either.  I mean REALLY full, like you will do ABSOLUTELY nothing else, for the duration of your life.)

Manages Others:    Nah, we killed all the “Others.”  Except for maybe, this guy.

Job Type:   Security, Godliness

Experience:   No prior experience necessary

Salary:   Non-applicable (Your “payment” is the pride of knowing that you have been chosen over centuries of other less worthy applicants, you ungrateful turd.)

Benefits:  See “salary” description above.  But you are more than welcome to all the fish .  . . and polar bears that you want to eat.

To be honest, we haven’t actually SEEN a polar bear around these parts since Season 1.  But that’s OK.  It just means more FISH FOR YOU!

Duties:

1) Keep the Man in Black from “entering the Light”

2) Keep the Light from going out

3) Keep the Man in Black from killing you

4) Find more suitable replacement “Candidates,” just in case you fail to do items 1 through 3

5) Smolder, brood, and generally try to look self-important ALL THE TIME.

Requirements:

1) A crappy home life a MUST!

2) Nonexistent or minimal sex life . . . unless you are this guy . . .

In which case, screw all you want!

3) Daddy issues

4) God complex

5) The ability to run quickly, and cover long distances, when chased by a polar bear or puff of black smoke . . .

Transportation:  Last time we checked, there were three ways of transporting one’s self to the island.  They are: (1) plane or jet crash;

(2) shipwreck; or

3) submarine

Please note:  Here at the Island, we do not cover your relocation expenses.  However, should you arrive at the Island via means 1 or 2, you may ultimately be able to have your travel fees reimbursed, as a result of a class action lawsuit begun on your behalf.  There is no guarantee of your actually receiving such reimbursement, however, as most people in the outside world are probably going to think you are DEAD.

So, what are you waiting for?  Apply Now!  Your violent and untimely death FUTURE is just a mouse click away! 🙂

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Lost’s “The Candidate” and the Murderous Reign of Elizabeth Sarnoff (Contains SPOILERS)

WARNING:  If you have not yet seen this week’s installment of Lost, entitled “The Candidate,” and you plan on seeing it, you DO NOT want to be here right now!  Because I am about to spoil for you four serious OMFG Lost Series Shocker Moments . . . moments that rival the twist endings to some of America’s most surprising films . . .

“I see dead candidates!”

“John Locke is KEYSER SOZE!”

“Jacob’s REAL Candidate is a MAN, baby!”

And so, for those of you who don’t want to be SERIOUSLY spoiled, I am hereby giving you five seconds to leave this blog . . .

5

4

3

2

1

 . . .  Are they gone yet?  OK. 

 I would now like to take this opportunity to express my condolences over the loss of four characters, to whom I have become extremely attached, throughout the course of Lost history. 

 

Frank Lapidus (played by Jeff Fahey)

Sayid Jarrah (played by Naveen Andrews)

Jin Kwon (played by Daniel Dae Kim)

Sun Kwon (played by Yoon-Jin Kim)

These tragic losses will most certainly be deeply felt throughout the Lost universe.  And while this is neither the time, nor the place, to establish blame for the passing of these fine individuals, would you like to know who killed them?

Well . . . yeah . . . him, but that wasn’t who I was referring to . . .

Yep, that’s her! 

The woman pictured above, is none other than Elizabeth Sarnoff, Lost executive producer, and the writer of this week’s TOTAL F-ING BLOODBATH of a Lost episode.  After I finished watching Lost, I was lurking around The Fuselage, a fansite for diehard Losties, and this lady was literally ALL those folks were talking about!  Apparently, Liz’s “serial character murdering” reputation precedes her.  So, I did a little research into the writer’s episode penning-past.  And, let me just say, her body count is HIGH!

In her premiere episode, “Abandoned” (Season 2), Liz killed Lostie Shannon Caryle.

In the episode, “Two for the Road” (also Season 2), Liz ended the lives of Tailies Ana Lucia and Libby:

In the episode,” The Man Behind the Curtain” (Season 3), Liz laid waste to, more or less, the ENTIRE Dharma Initiative, including Benjamin Linus’s father, Roger Linus.

And in “Meet Kevin Johnson” (Season 4), Liz gunned down Karl and Rousseau (both pictured here, along with the now-dead Alex and the THANKFULLY still alive, Hurley)

But of Ms. Sarnoff’s deadly episodes, ‘The Candidate” was probably the most shocking.  After all, this was the first time in Lost history in which THREE Original Cast Members met their untimely demise, during the course of a single episode!  (Lapidus didn’t appear on the show until Season 4.) 

The most heartbreaking of these deaths undoubtedly belonged to Jin and Sun.  With Sun trapped amongst the wreckage of a flooded submarine, Jin tried in vain to rescue her.  When he saw that he would be unable to free her in time, he held tightly to her hand, vowing never to leave her again.  The couple’s hands remained clasped to one another, until the moment of both of their deaths.  And, while the sacrifice on Jin’s part was certainly heroic and romantic, I couldn’t help but wonder why Sun didn’t implore Jin to save himself, on behalf of their young child, Ji-Yeon, now undoubtedly an orphan . . .

It is also important to note that, the name “Kwon,” which was listed as one of Jacob’s Island Saving Candidates, likely referred to either Sun or Jin.  Now we might never know which one . . .

Sayid’s death, while tragic, was a bit more uplifting.  After multiple episodes of “Zombie Sayid” seemingly acting as MIB’s evil  minion, and killing people willy nilly, without remorse, it was nice to see our Original Lost hero, return to his roots.  Not only did Sayid help Jack and crew out, by explaining to the gang the logistics of dismantling a C-4 bomb, he ultimately saved Jack, Hurley, Sawyer and Kate, by taking the bomb and running as far from them as he could get before it exploded. 

It was also nice to know that Sayid did not, in fact, murder Desmond, as MIB had originally instructed him to do.  

Before he died, Sayid instructed Jack to find Desmond where he left him in the well.   When Jack asked Sayid why the latter has chosen to tell him this, Sayid replied, “Because you’re THE ONE.”  Presumably, the statement referred to Sayid’s belief that JACK is Jacob’s ULTIMATE CANDIDATE, destined to save the island from MIB and his dastardly deeds.  So, in the honor of the redeemed Sayid, I’d hereby like to share with you, this fan-made video, demonstrating his macho, heroic, TOTALLY badass (and definitely NON-ZOMBIE like) awesomeness!

And for those Losties still alive at the conclusion of this episode, BE WARNED, the series’ second to last episode will be penned by none other than Elizabeth Sarnoff . . .

Be afraid, be VERY AFRAID!

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