Tag Archives: Person of Interest

Hard-Hearted Hanna – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Someone to Watch Over Me”

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Enough with all the friggin arts and crafts, “A”?  What’s next?  A Pretty Little Liars Diorama that you explode in your microwave at the end of the episode?

This week, on the penultimate episode of Pretty Little Liars, we got even MORE evidence that “A” hates Hanna and Spencer WAY more than she (or he) hates Emily and Aria.  I mean, let’s face it, aside from a bit of unfounded jealousy, Emily had a fairly stress-free episode, one that ended with her getting some serious nookie.  And as for Aria .  . . well . . . any problems SHE experienced this week arose from her own idiocy (SERIOUSLY!), and the douchebaggery of her dad and little brother, respectively.  But Hanna and Spencer?  Their lives are kind of sucking ASS right now, aren’t they?

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

A+B = Spencer is SERIOUSLY SCREWED!

Kudos to the set designer for making Spencer’s room EXACTLY as we would expect it to be — sparsely decorated, obnoxiously spotless, and filled with every single solitary room organizing tool EVER sold on the Home Shopping Network . . .

Not so kudos to the WARDROBE department, for dressing Spencer in my favorite sweater from when I was 8-years old . . .

When the episode begins, Spencer and Emily have just arrived home from school.  Spencer is bitching about how her distractions at home are starting to impact her ability to understand Algebra.  How can possibly she figure out the value for “X”, when she has suddenly become the “X” factor in her own life? 

It’s a true dilemma!

Now, maybe I’m being nitpicky, but two things surprised me about this scene: (1) The Academically Elite Spencer is taking Algebra her junior year.  (Shouldn’t she be in Pre-Calculus or Advanced Placement Geometry, or some other class for mathletes, like herself?) (2) Spencer and Emily are in the same math class.  (Don’t get me wrong.  Emily seems like a total sweetheart.  And she may even have more common sense than some of the other Pretty Little Liars *cough Aria cough.*  But Little Miss Future Olympic Swimmer just never quite struck me as the academic overachieving type.)

Anyway . .  .  Spencer’s mom rushes downstairs to warn Spencer that the police obtained a warrant to search the Hastings home, and, specifically, Spencer’s room, for evidence linking her to Alison’s death.  Spencer, understandably horrified and frightened, asks her attorney mother to make the police leave.  Unfortunately, the warrant gives the police a right to be there.  So, Spencer’s mom’s hands are tied. 

As the police are searching Spencer’s room, Creepy Pedo Ian (who never seems to leave the house, forever lingering, like the smell of mildew on an overused sponge) further expemplifies his creepiness and pedophilia, by smirking at Spencer’s bed, and slowly / seductively drinking MILK from a glass . . .

Milk . . . it does a body creepy . . .

For Heaven Sakes Aria, THINK before you TEXT!

“Uh oh!  It looks like I accidentally deleted “My Brain” from my “Contacts” list.  I guess I’ll just have to make do without it, this week!”

So, Aria’s parents have been sneaking around, not wanting to tell their kids their back together, until they can be sure their renewed courtship is “REAL.” Zzzzzzzzzzz . . .  And I just fell asleep typing that sentence . . .

NEWSFLASH PLL Writers:  We don’t care about THESE TWO as a couple!  NOBODY ships Ella and Byron!  NOBODY!  So, stopping rubbing this storyline in our faces, PLEASE!

Since Aria already CAUGHT her parents macking in the library (ICK!), and her little brother seems to have also caught them in the act this morning, Montgomery Ma and Pa decide that the family should get together for dinner later that week to “discuss things.”

But lest you think this storyline won’t be funny at all, THIS happens . . .

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In case you didn’t catch that, here’s what Aria wrote:  “Thinking of your eyes.  How I want to be looking into them right now.  This second.  XO Aria.”  — AKA The LAMEST SEXT EVER!

And then THIS happens . . .

BUSTED!

OK . . . so we know that Aria was sending a text to her FITZY (who was noticeably absent this week), and sent it to her MOM instead.   Now, here’s what I don’t understand.   Personally, my mother is listed in MY cell phone Contacts Lists as “Mom.”  But I can understand how some folks cooler than myself (and Aria’s definitely cooler than I am) would put their Mom in their Contacts List under her first name. 

And, if Aria did this, then, YES, “Ella” would be close to “Ezra” on her list.  These names would probably even be next to one another on MOST people’s cell phones.  But NOT on ARIA’S phone . . . because she has “EMILY” as a contact.  DUH!

“What am I?  Chopped LIVER?”

So, it’s kind of hard for me to believe that Aria “accidentally” skipped over TWO names to send a text to the VERY wrong person.  I mean, it’s not like she was drunk or anything . . .   Or was she? 😉

Careful, Aria!  Drink more of that, and you may text us all of your secrets!

At the end of the day, Aria’s mom confronts Aria about the Phantom Text.  But Aria refuses to confess the textee’s identity, wryly noting that family members should be entitled to their privacy. like, for example, the ability to privately bone your husband in a school library.  Aria’s mom reluctantly accepts her daughter’s wishes, which makes her seem about ten times cooler, in my book., than she ever did before.

But then EEEEVVVVIL hypocrite Papa Montgomerycomes along. 

When he hears that Aria has a secret boyfriend, he ABSOLUTELY thinks he has a right to know that person’s identity so that he can try to score a date with the guy, himself.  To make matters even douchier, while Aria is out of the house, her dad starts snooping around her room for clues.  He ALMOST comes upon a book that Ezra personally inscribed for Aria, when Aria’s mom stops him.  (Wow, I’m really liking her this week.  Weird!)

Taking a lesson in sarcasm, and passive aggressiveness, from her daughter, Aria’s mom casually notes that maybe her daughter wouldn’t think it necessary to keep secrets from her family, were it not for her own father secretly whoring around with one of his students.  Aria’s dad, of course, is TOTALLY offended by this, and refuses to admit to his own wrong doing.  Aria’s little brother then walks in on the pair fighting, and, COMPLETELY blames Aria for it.  Because, apparently, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the Douchey Tree .  . .

“Douchey is as douchey does, sir.”

Aria’s brother wants Aria to singlehandedly fix their parents’ marriage, since her having a secret boyfriend is OBVIOUSLY the reason it’s broken, and not the whole “Dad’s a Cheating Deadbeat” thing.  But, before Aria can make up a fake boyfriend to tell her parents about, she and her brother head down to Family Dinner, to find out that their Mom is a no show . . . again. 

Way to suck up your pride, and put on a brave face for your kids, ARIA’S MOM!  I guess I spoke too soon when I said I like you . . . On the other hand, you can do WAYYYYY better than Aria’s Asshat of a DAD . . . So, I’m kind of torn . . .

Knowing that she has to STOP being such a MORON when it comes to appropriately hiding her inappropriate relationship with her teacher, Aria decides to hide all her Fitzy Memorabilia (Fitzyabilia?) with Emily for safe keeping . . .  The ironic thing, of course, is that MOST of the stuff she gives to Emily, NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would trace to Fitzy.  Case in point, THIS . . .

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Really Aria?   A PLASTIC SPOON from your first date?  What exactly do you think your parents are going to do with THAT?  Swab it for DNA?

Now, for all you Ian Harding fans out there who found yourself missing your Fitzy Fix this week, I’ve got a little surprise for you . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  Apparently, Fitzy tweets now!  And you can catch all his Fitz-alicious goodness right here: http://twitter.com/IANMHARDING

(So, don’t say I never gave you anything, Fitzy fans!)

Falling Out of the Closet

In completely unrelated news (actually, all four stories were, pretty much, unrelated to one another, this week), Emily spied Back-to Bad-Haircut Paige flirting with Dull as Dishwater Sean . . .

And Emily was MAJORLY JEALOUS, even though (1) Paige is SO OBVIOUSLY gay; and (2) even if Paige was straight, she’d never, go for a lame-o like Sean!  (Sure, Hanna did it once, but only because she was feeling chubby and insecure, at the time.)

Later, Sean asks Emily if Paige is single, and if she could put in a good word for him.  He did this, despite the fact, that as one of Hanna’s besties (and someone who watches PLL), Emily should have ABSOLUTELY ZERO “good words” to say about Sean . . .

But because Emily is a much nicer person than I am, she simply tells Seany-poo that her and Paige aren’t really friends.  So, she’s not really in the position to help Sean get laid by her.  SORRY!

But because they ARE actually friends (with benefits), Emily warns Paige that she thinks Sean is going to ask her out.  So, Paige should come up with a good excuse as to why she can’t date him NOW, and let him down easy.

The problem is that Sean already ASKED out Paige . . . and she  . . . wait for it . . . said YES!

Needless to say, Emily is pretty depressed about this news . . .

“I am pretty depressed about this news.”

That is . . . until Paige comes right to Emily’s house, fresh from her “date,” all tarted-up and ready for a Booty Call . . .

I get why she wore THIS to the karaoke bar, but why Paige wore a super sparkly stripper dress on a Group Date to the Movies is beyond me . . . Wardrobe Department FAIL!

Surprise, surprise!  Paige doesn’t like Sean.   (NO ONE DOES!)  In fact, the sheer awfulness of macking with that lame-o, has the impact of THROWING PAIGE RIGHT OUT OF THE CLOSET!  (Who says, a kiss is just a kiss?  Right!)

And I have to say, I really feel for Paige, as she contemplates the prospect of coming out with Emily.  Her eyes tear up.  Her lip quivers.  She is clearly terrified.  The actress, Lindsay Shaw, portrays Paige’s heart-wrenching range of emotions beautifully; I must say.  It’s not HER fault she has a bad stylist . . .

 “If I say it out loud, my whole world will change,” Paige explains sadly.

I love how patient and sensitive Emily is with Paige, when a lesser person, would probably be tossing out smug “I told you so’s” left and right. in her situation.  “I didn’t come out of the closet.  I fell out on my face,” Emily explains adorably.

Then, Emily tells her Next Fling, that, back when she was trying to be straight, she always went for guys just like Paige . . .  Domestic Abusers?  Gay Folks in Search of Beards to hide their true identity?  Swimmers with Bad Haircuts? folks who would “pull her on stage” and make her do things that scared her.  (Yeah . . . that still doesn’t explain Wife Beater Ben . . .)

Then the pair sit together on Emily’s little window seat, hold hands, and kiss . . .

And I must admit that these two are starting to grow on me.  But I still want Paige to get a haircut . . . and a stylist . . .

Don’t MESS with Hanna Marin!

Back at the Marin home, Hanna and Caleb are making breakfast AGAIN, and flirting AGAIN, just like any good couple, who just had sex for the first time, would be.  Then Caleb leaves for a moment.  So, Hanna takes the opportunity to go digging in his bag for condoms goodies.  

What she finds is the UGLIEST, MOST TACKY, owl necklace I have EVER SEEN!

And yet, Hanna is completely BLIND to the hideousness of this owl, as she is convinced that it is a Secret Gift from Caleb to her.  After all, they did see OWLS on the night they screwed!

So, she snaps a picture of it, and brags to her friends about the awful  generous gift her boyfriend is about to give her. 

But all is not well in Haleb land.  We learn this, when Aria and Emily overhear Caleb talking on the phone with a woman who APPEARS to be his ex-girlfriend, who is stalking him.  He keeps telling the girl on the phone that he “can’t do this anymore,” because he is living at “her” (Hanna’s) house.

“Peekaboo!  We see you!”

Being the good pals that they are, Emily and Aria immediately confront Hanna about what they learned.  Hanna gets VERY defensive.  Caleb can’t be a liar!  Because Hanna would NEVER have sex with a liar . . . would she?  As if on cue, Blind Jenna arrives wearing around her neck . . . you guessed it  . . . that UGLY ASS OWL NECKLACE . . .

Now it’s Super Sleuthing Spencer’s turn to STALK!  She follows Blind Jenna outside, and sees her using the Ugly Owl Necklace as a Flashdrive . . .

So, basically, Caleb gave the Ugly Owl Necklace to Blind Jenna, NOT because he’s boning her, and NOT because he has terrible taste, but because he’s feeding her information . . .

When Hanna hears this, she astutely recalls how Toby heard Jenna talking on the phone about the number 214, and tries that combination on Caleb’s locker . . .

Let’s ignore the fact that the picture shows Hanna stopping at number “5” instead of  “4”

Surprise!  Surprise!  Caleb’s locker OPENS!

Inside ,she finds . . . wads and wads of CASH . . . just hanging out . . . waiting to be discovered . . . or stolen.  (COME ON, CALEB!  We know you’re POOR, but I seriously doubt you don’t own an envelope, in which to stash your dirty money.  I’m sure the school has plenty in the main office, for you to steal.)

At home, Hanna confronts Caleb about what she learned . . .

Caleb reluctantly admits to “spying” on Hanna (So, THAT’s what the kids are calling it these days . . .  “spying”) for cash from Blind Jenna.  Her Blindness apparently, not only bribed Caleb, but blackmailed him as well, after finding out how he rigged Emily’s phone, so that she could get illegal calls into Maya at De-Gaying Camp.  Screwing for money . . . that makes you a whore, Caleb . . .

But Caleb insists that his feelings for Hanna are real.  And that he stopped working for Jenna the minute his hot dog went inside Hanna’s bun.  All the information he gave Jenna on that flash drive was false. 

Unfortunately for Caleb, Hanna doesn’t give two sh*ts.  She hands the Dirty Dog his bags, and kicks him out into the street.  Harsh!  Hope you like that park bench, Caleb!  Because something tells me that you might be living there for awhile!

Back at school, the PLL’s are admiring their reflections in the bathroom mirror.  (Is it just me, or do all these girls spend a TON of time in bathrooms, and in front of mirrors?).  Then, they hear a familiar noise . . . it sounds like thunder clapping in the night.  It sounds like the End of the World.  It is . . . Blind Jenna’s CANE OF DESTRUCTION!

 

Thinking fast, Hanna traps Blind Jenna right in front of . . . you guessed it . . . the bathroom mirror.  (Again . . .why are you always LOOKING at yourself in the mirror, Blind Jenna?)

Sensing someone behind her, Blind Jenna tenses up, and slowly turns around.  Then THIS happens . . .

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My sentiments exactly . . .

Then, Hanna, reminding us of the Mean Girl she was for the first three or four episodes of this show, cooly hands Blind Jenna back her glasses, and tells her, without emotion, “It’s Hanna . . . in case you couldn’t guess.”

Well, that’s gotta suck . . .

At home, in the comfort of her bathroom (Where else?), Hanna begins to mull over her lost first love, and lost diginity.  She then finally breaks down in tears.  From outside the door, Hanna’s mom listens to her daughter sobbing.  She wants desperately to soothe her pain.  Yet, she doesn’t know how . . .

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The final scene of the episode features “A” LITERALLY smashing Hanna’s glass heart to bits, and mailing it back to her, along with some glue.  Next time, try for a metaphor that’s a bit less obvious, A!

The Walls Close in on Spencer . . .

As I mentioned earlier, Hanna is not the only miserable Pretty Little Liar this week.  Poor Spencer has a police investigation looming over her head.  Fortunately, she’s made a new “friend” who knows EXACTLY what she’s going through.  Of course, I’m referring to the Character Formerly Referred to as Creepy Toby, Now Abs Toby.

When Toby comes over to visit, he warns Spencer that cops are staking out her house.  She replies, by telling him that he probably shouldn’t be seen with her, now that’s she’s, like, wanted for murder . . . and stuff.  But Abs Toby is not that easily deterred . .  . “People cross the street when they see me coming.  They think you tried to frame your brother-in-law for your friends’ murder.  Who else are we going to hang out with?”   Abs Toby inquires, quite rationally, I think.

A real pro at being watched by the cops, Toby cleverly instructs Spencer to go outside, and offer the Stake Out Crew cups of coffee, in order to show them that  (1) she knows they are there; and (2) she is not afraid of them.  Seeing as this was probably the SAME Stake Out Crew that used to hang out outside Toby’s house, I’d say these guys are starting to consider Free Coffee a regular job perk.  Of course, they’d all probably much prefer staking out Hanna’s house.  Because there, Hanna’s mom shows them that “she knows they are there, and “is not afraid of them”, by giving them Free Sex . . .

And sex ALWAYS beats coffee . . .

Anyway . . . Spencer and Abs Toby share a sweet moment, in which Spencer asks Toby about the time she saw him sitting in an alley, after he ran away from home . . .

Apparently, running away is kind of a regular occurrence for Abs Toby.  As for Spencer, she only away once, back when she was little.  Her and her sister had been in a fight, and her parents took her sister’s side, as per usual.  So, Spencer made a tuna sandwich, and escaped to the movies.  (Resourceful little girl, that one!  Sure beats hanging out in a dirty alleyway!)  But then, she got lonely, and went home.  Her self-absorbed family never even REALIZED their little girl was gone!  (Family FAIL!)

Abs Toby looks at Spencer with obvious adoration and sympathy, and, grabbing her hand, makes her promise him that, if she ever wants to run away again, she will call him first.  All together now . . . “AWWWWWWWWWW!”

By the way, speaking of Spencer’s absentee fam, how come nobody seems to notice that Melissa keeps randomly disappearing for episodes at a time, while Creepy Pedo Ian just sticks around, like the fungus he cleary is!  My theory:  Creepy Pedo Ian killed Melissa, chopped her up into itty pieces, put them in a blender, then drank them up . . . like a milkshake . . .

“I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!”

As for Creepy Pedo Ian, he’s looking extra special spooky, as he waits in the dark for Spencer to emerge from her late night run. 

Apparently, Creepy Pedo Ian wants to help Spencer run away from home (Am I noticing a THEME here?), so that he can grow his hair long, assume Spencer’s identity, and kill all her friends, while dressed as her the cops can’t arrest her. 

“I can’t BELIEVE I thought you were cute in Final Destination 3!”

Spencer knows that this will make her look SUPER guilty, which, obviously, is exacty what Creepy Pedo Ian wants.  So, she tells him to stick his runaway plan . . . and his milk . . . where the sun don’t shine.

But just when she thought her day couldn’t get any worse, Spencer’s mom wakes her up in the middle of the night, and tells her that the police found fibers of Toby’s Puke Green Sweater / Alison’s Death Outfit on that cheapo name bracelet Alison gave Spencer gave Spencer, before she died.  “I think someone is going through a great deal of trouble to make you look guilty,” Spencer’s mom, never one to sugar coat things, admits.

Mother and daughter then share a tearful and heartbreaking  hug, as the curtain closes on this, the penultimate episode, of Pretty Little Liars . . . 

See you after the finale!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The One Where EVERYBODY is MAKING OUT and GETTING NAKED (YIPPEE!) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Person of Interest”

OK girls, if you got some LOVIN’ tonight, I want you to open your eyes really wide, open your mouth slightly, and give a really confused look to the camera . . .

Niiiiiiiice!

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Phew!  Is it hot in here, my Pretties, or is it just the latest installment of PLL?  This week’s episode was ON FIRE!  We were treated to not one, not two, not three, but FOUR different prospective couple’s makeout sessions!

Fitzy LIKE!

Oh, and there were some “A” shenanigans too . . . like the way she seems to have framed Spencer for her murder . . . while sitting in a rocking chair . . .watching a home video . . . and eating a HUGE BOWL of POPCORN.  (Girlfriend can certainly multi-task!)  And Jenna was there too . . . and Pedo Ian . . . and Wren, Alex, Lucas, Sean, Noel, and Maya.  OK, so not everybody was there.  The PLL Missing Mate Vortex still has many victims held tightly in its clutches.  But with all the kissing, and sexing, and getting naked we got to enjoy during this hour, did you honestly mind that much?

 

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Let’s get to recapping, shall we?

Does Pedo Ian have a thing for younger girls?  (And other questions to which the answers are painfully obvious.)

When the episode opens, each of the PLL girls are taking turns submitting to interrogation by Police Chief Puss Face, who looks like he could pass for Deputy Douchey’s dad . . .

See the resemblance?  Yeah .  . . I didn’t either.  I just felt like adding another shirtless dude to this post, for no reason, whatsoever . . .

From the looks of it, Spencer’s mom sat in the interrogation room the whole time, and acted as the attorney for each of the girls.  Just in case you were wondering, this is a TOTAL conflict of interest, especially if one of the girls becomes a suspect in the murder . . . which, by the way, is about to happen in less than an hour.  But hey, nobody ever accused the writers of PLL of going to law school!

Anywayyyyy .  . . no good deed goes unpunished.  The girls’ seemingly selfless act of turning Ian’s bloody trophy over to the cops — because, at the time, they THOUGHT it was the weapon used to murder Ali — only results in a lot of discomfort and heartache for all of them.  During the interrogation, Police Chief Puss Face asks each of the girls about  Ian’s relationship with Ali.  He also questions them about the Phantom Videotape, which, as you recall, featured the grossly inappropriate pair presumably “making monkey,” just seconds before Ali Took the Big Dirt Nap. 

Police Chief Puss Face wants to know why somebody as “charming and fabulous” as Pedo Ian, would want to sex up little underage twit like the now-dead Ali, when he could have Spencer’s sister, B*tchface Melissa, instead.  “Maybe he has a thing for younger women,” Spencer notes wryly.  (Well, THAT’S the understatement of the CENTURY!)

And yet, when Police Chief Puss Face asks Spencer what she meant by that, the usually intelligent teen inexplicably lies about the smooch SHE shared with Ian, when she was not yet 15 . . .

 . . . and the rest of the girls lie about it too, thus proving that temporary stupidity can, in fact, be contagious.  Of course, this little white lie will inevitably come back to bite Spencer in the behind, in just a bit . . .

After their respective interrogations are over, the girls conveniently run into their old friend, Police Boy, who, apparently lives in their neighborhood . . .

 . . . he acts all chummy with them at first.  But then Police Chief Puss Face tells him to spy on the girls and find out what they know about Ali’s death.  So, when Spencer later confides in Police Boy that Ian’s probable motive for killing Ali was that she was going to tell Melissa about their affair, we know our little Nancy Drew has made her SECOND major mistake of the episode . . .

The Awkward Moment When Everybody in Your Family Thinks You’re A TOTAL WACKADOO!

The next morning, Spencer heads downstairs to find her family on the couch poised for what seems like an intervention, staged on her behalf.  Basically, Ma and Pa want Spencer to see a shrink, because Spencer is perpetually afraid of her new brother-in-law, Ian (with good reason!) and thinks he might have murdered her best friend.  Never mind the fact that ALL THREE OTHER PLL’S confirmed EXACTLY what she said!  She’s still NUTSO, according to Mommy and Daddy! (Parenting FAIL!)

To add insult to injury, Melissa and Ian pop downstairs, so that Ian can offer Spencer a SUPER-patronizing speech, “I’m not mad.  I’m just confused,” he offers, laying it on REAL thick.  (The totally threatening ASSHOLE version of Pedo Ian, who manhandles Spencer, and threatens her not to reveal certain bits of information about his private life, is, conveniently, no where to be found in this familial setting.)

Of course, Spencer certainly doesn’t help her Case for Sanity, by cackling like a maniac, in response to Ian’s phony show of concern for her well-being.  “Why did you come back, when you already got away with it?”  Spencer asks, with a disturbing smile on her face, that makes me wonder if she really has gone Cuckoo Bananas.

But then comes Whiny B*tchface Melissa, with her moaning and groaning, about how DARE Spencer go nuts, so soon after her Shotgun Wedding!  The NERVE!  “Why can’t you just let ME be happy?”  Melissa mewls.  (And at the moment, the world’s smallest violin begins playing in her honor . . .)

No longer feeling wanted in her house, Spencer runs right into the arms of, you guessed it, Creepy Toby . . .

Ohhh, so you were “Playing Scrabble” in that Hotel Room All Night.  Is that what the kids are calling it, nowadays?

Well, HELLO, Shirtless Creepy Toby!  Who knew all that Sexy was hiding beneath all those layers of Broody Angst and Flannel?

Apparently, Creepy Toby has been shacking up in the Only Motel in Rosewood, because he’s afraid of what the Bizarre Sociopath Jenna and her Cane of Destruction will do to him in his sleep, while his parents aren’t home.  (Hey speaking of that hotel, remember when WREN checked into it, to get away from B*tchface Melissa?  Good times!)

So, Spencer, being the Good Little Neighbor that she is, drives Creepy Toby to the motel.  Once there, Toby vows to help Spencer find out if Blind Jenna framed her for Ali’s murder.  While hanging around outside the motel, Spencer hears the sound of flute playing coming from room 214. 

A-HA!

Instantly connecting the room number with Jenna’s braille code, our girl Spencer puts on her Investigation Face . . .

 . . . and tiptoes to the window to check it out.  Though she doesn’t see anybody in the motel room, she can make out the Mysterious GREEN BAG Ian was seen giving to Blind Jenna, during this past week’s episode . . .

Later, Spencer and Creepy Toby finagle their way inside Room 214, by paying off the motel housekeeper.  They find Blind Jenna’s dark glasses on the floor.  (THE PLOT THICKENS!)  They then look inside the Mysterious Bag, which is currently located on the bed. . .

 .  . . it’s empty.

By HEY!  Maybe tomorrow it WON’T BE!  Spencer should really spend the night in bed with Creepy Toby, in his motel room and have lots of really hot sex just in case!  (We’re SO on to you, Spencer!  You Naughty Little Minx, you!)

When heading out to get supplies for her Slumber Party with Creepy Toby, Spencer comes with an abundance of “really important” survival goodies, including the game of Scrabble and some Mad Libs.  She conveniently forgets to bring clothing, though . . . OOPS!  Silly Spencer!  Now, she’ll have to sleep NAKED! 

After Toby beats Spencer in Scrabble . . .

I know, I couldn’t believe it, either . . .

Creepy Toby inquires whether Spencer is a “top” or “bottom,” when it comes to making Luuuuuuuuve.  Just kidding!  He wants to know whether she wants the top or bottom of his pajamas.  Besides, everybody knows Spencer is TOTALLY a “top.”  Our little Nancy Drew is a Take Charge Kind of Gal, after all . . .

So, Creepy Toby goes to the bathroom to change . . . into his bottoms.  Of course, he conveniently leaves the bathroom door open, so Spencer can ogle his male form . . .  (Why bother going to the bathroom in the first place, then?)

Creepy Toby is a PIMP!  I may have to stop calling calling him Creepy now, and just start calling him ABS!

A  now TOTALLY turned on Spencer waits until Creepy Toby is fast asleep before getting on top of him . . . er . . .  putting on his top . . .

She then jumps him into bed beside him . . .  Goodnight, Spencer and Abs Toby!  Don’t let the bed bugs bite!  (No, seriously!  This looks like a motel that has LOTS of bed bugs . . .)

Honestly, I’m not sure how Spencer got to sleep AT ALL, with that SIX PACK lying, just inches away from her, waiting to be CHUGGED!  But, Spencer eventually does fall asleep.  And, when she wakes up, she finds herself in quite the compromising position . . .

Would you like a fork with that SPOONING?

A bit embarrassed, Spencer slides her hand out from underneath Toby’s armpit.  The sensation arouses awakens him, but he pretends not to notice.  “Were you up all night?” Toby asks innocently.

Only while we were f*&king No,” replies Spencer, awkwardly.

Then the pair hears the sound of Room 214 opening.  So, they dash inside, before the door can lock.  Inside, Spencer learns that the “flute playing” she heard was, not from an actual “Blind Jenna” flute, but, rather from a CD.  The good news is, there’s something inside that Mysterious Bag NOW!

NEVERMIND!

Yep, apparently the Scrabble players got played.  But, the evening wasn’t a total loss, of course!  “You can come back tomorrow night,” says Abs Toby, with a twinkle of hopefulness in his voice.

“I may take you up on that,” Spencer replies adorably.

“It was fun to kick your ass in Scrabble,” Abs Toby offers wryly (Ooooh, this guy is GOOD!)

And then, this happens . . .

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In other makeout news . . .

Since when did Little Orphan Butchy Get a Personality Transplant?

To say things are AWKWARD at first, between Little Orphan Butchy Paige and Emily, after their impromptu car Makeout Sesh, is a TOTAL understatement.  This week, the pair first meet  . . . you guessed it . . . in the swim team locker room . . .  AGAIN.  Apparently, Paige has been avoiding Emily, by swimming at night, so she doesn’t have to see those sweet lips that she enjoyed sucking on so much . . .

Emily wants to talk about The Kiss That Changed Everything until the next chick comes along.  But Closet Case Paige wants to pretend the whole thing “Never Happened.”  This causes Emily (who, by the way, seems to have totally FORGOTTEN about being all hung up on Maya . . . you know . . . the chick who got sent to De-Gaying Camp, because of HER)  to stalk off in a huff.  

However, things start looking up for Emily, when she finds this little love note in her locker  . . .

An ORANGE Post-It Note?!  Who the heck owns ORANGE Post-It Notes?  Oh, this girl is BAD NEWS, I can feel it!

So, apparently, Paige wants to meet Emily at a remote bar where, unlike at Cheers, Nobody Knows Your Name and, coincidentally, Nobody Knows Your Gay . . .

For whatever reason, the minute Paige enters Nobody Knows Your Gay Bar, she undergoes a complete physical transformation.  The Little Orphan Butchy Haircut is suddenly darker looking, blunt cut, and stylishly messy.  She’s wearing MAKEUP!  And an OFF THE SHOULDER TOP! 

But, perhaps, more important than Paige’s physical transformation, is her personality one.  Now, Paige is finishing all of Emily’s questions, asking her wryly seductive questions about her sexuality, and flirtatiously surmising that Emily is into BALLSY WOMEN (and nobody is more ballsy than Little Orphan Butchy, who probably OWNS a genuine pair of CAJONES, if you catch my drift). 

What is cool about this conversation, is that it allows both girls to FINALLY open up to one another.  We learn that Paige first discovered that she was gay, when she saw Emily and Maya walking the halls as a couple.  We hear Emily admit, for only the second time in her life (the first admission was as to the PLL girls, on the day of the SAT’S), that Dead Ali was her first love, even though Dead Ali didn’t love her in return.

Then, just to prove she is a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON than the Little Orphan Butchy we met a few weeks back, Paige rushes on stage and starts singing a ridiculously off-key rendition of “So What,” by Pink.  (Interesting choice of song, under the circumstances . . . . am I right?) 

Emily seems pretty into it, anyway.

*sings*  “So what?  She’s got a bad haircut.  She’s in the closet.  But I am hornnnnyyyyy.”

Eventually, Paige pulls Emily on stage, and the two complete the duet together.  Then, they go out to the parking lot, and start MACKIN’ HARDCORE!

A few days later, Paige and Emily go out for their second date — an outdoor picnic that is, once again, located someplace REALLY, REALLY, REALLY faraway from the town where they live  . . .

Things seem to be going great for Emily and the Fun Chick Who Body-Snatched Formerly Lame Paige.  But then, Paige makes some random comment about how she can’t be seen with Emily in public, because Emily is . . . (gasp)  . . . GAY!  (Well ain’t that the pot calling the kettle a Lesbian!)

But don’t worry, Emily!  The Grand High Paige still wants to hang out with you . . . just only in Seedy Karaoke Bars and in deserted alleyways!  SCORE!  Of course, Emily — who has just recently emerged from the closet, herself, and who, not too long ago, was on the other side of this conversation with her LAST girlfriend Maya — is more understanding, than I think most folks in her position would be, under the circumstances. 

Emily doesn’t blame Paige for not being able to “come out” yet.  However, Our Girl (probably rightly) believes that continuing to see Paige in secret, will eventually make her feel like SHE, Emily, has something to hide.  Inevitably, this would result in Emily feeling bad about herself, and her sexuality.  This, of course, is something Emily  doesn’t want to experience again.  So, Emily lets Paige down gently, informing her, that she would rather the two of them just be friends for now.  (GOOD CHOICE, EMILY!)

Source

You know who, as it turns out, might NOT be making such great choices?  HANNA!

Never Trust Guys with Longish Hair . . .

When we check back in with Hanna and Caleb, they are still playing house.  He is still secretly living in her basement.  She is still making him cereal for breakfast, each morning. 

And he is still running to hide, everytime Hanna’s mom comes tramping into the kitchen.  The only difference now, is that these two are TOTALLY swapping spit with one another, like every second, of EVERY DAY!

So, of course, now is the time for Hanna’s mom to FINALLY figure out that her daughter’s boyfriend’s been squatting at her Casa, all this time . . .

BUSTED!

Furious that her daughter would have the audacity to lie to her about having a Strange Man in her house *cough like Deputy Douchey cough*, Hanna’s mom kicks Caleb out on the street.  She does this, despite Hanna’s pleas that she reconsider.  After all,  Caleb has no other place to go.

When Hanna’s mom fails to reconsider, Hanna and Caleb decide to go on a little Camping Trip . . .

Apparently, back in the day, when Hanna was a little Chubbster, she went to Fat Camp, where she became quite the Outdoorsy Type.    Caleb’s super touched that Hanna has confessed to being porky, so he shares with HER a confession about how his parents abandoned him.  This, turns Hanna on .  . . So, she . . . SURPRISE . . . makes out with him for the 85,000th time this hour . . .

All this making out, while wearing dorky hats, makes Hanna and Caleb very HOT (in more ways than one).  So, they go back to the tent to “change into something more comfortable . . .”

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THIS = MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE!

“Are you sure?”  Caleb asks.

“HELLLS YEAHHHHHH!”  Hanna says (Actually . . .  that’s what I said to my TV screen, when this happened.  Hanna, was admittedly a bit more reserved.”

“Do you have . . .?”  Hanna inquires responsibly . . .

“Uh huh,” replies BIG PIMP CALEB.

Then THIS happens . . .

Source

Then, we pan away from the tent, and head to commercial break . . .

Well, it’s STILL ABC Family!  What did you expect?

I’d say now would be a good time to sing a little song to Hanna’s Virginity.  What do you say?   Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, hey, hey, hey, GOODBYE!

The next day, Hanna comes home, and her mom is PISSED!  But when Hanna brings up the fact that her MOM was also abandoned as a child, and narrowly missed suffering Caleb’s fate, she ultimately relents.  In just about the nicest thing Hanna’s mom has done all season, Mama Marin gets in touch with Caleb, herself, invites him for dinner.  It is there, that Hanna’s mom tells Caleb that he can stay in the guest bedroom for a little while, until he can find more permanent lodging.  He is also officially permitted to call her “Ashley.”  (Awwwww!)

Of couse, “Ashley” would like Caleb to know that if he hurts Hanna, she, “Ashley” will rip him a new a**hole . . .

Not-so-thinly veiled threats of butt ripping aside, Caleb is so touched by this unexpected act of kindness by an authority figure, that he immediately goes outside to . . .  make a phone call ??????

“I can’t do this anymore.  It’s over.   I’m out,” says Caleb to Blind Jenna The Mystery Person on the Phone.

Oooooh Caleb . . . you Dirty Rat!  I’d watch your a**hole, if I were you . . . just sayin’

Meanwhile, over in Fitzyland . . .

Blind Jenna, Get your OWN Inappropriately-Aged BOYFRIEND!  (Assuming you don’t already have one.)

We already know, from past experience, that, when it comes to her Fitzy, Aria is most certainly the jealous type.  So, when she enters Fitzy’s English Class, and finds Blind Jenna’s paws all over him, while they “read over her short story,” which (SURPRISE!) is about a Blind Girl who uncovers deception, the Petite Brunette is NOT PLEASED AT ALL.   Always one to add fuel to the fire “A” decides THIS is the perfect moment to send Aria a text . . .

To add insult to injury,when Aria heads to the bathroom, Blind Jenna is THERE too, making cracks about how well Aria “knows” Mr. Fitz, and how he should add 1984 to the class reading list.  “Big Brother is Watching” Blind Jenna intones annoyingly . . .

OK . . . note to PLL writers.  Cheesy Jokes about High School English books?  NOT FUNNY!

To this ridiculously lame, but admittedly “A”-like remark, Aria replies, “Fitzy is not seduced by controlling characters.”  (HA!  See . . . now THAT was funny!)

Knowing she MUST take quick action, if she wants to keep her man, Aria heads to Fitzy’s house to embroil the Straight-Laced English Teacher in one of her, now-becoming-weekly, Seduction Plots . . .

The problem is that, tonight, no matter how many times Aria tries to get into Fitzy’s pants, all he seems to want to talk about is BLIND JENNA?????

Dude!  You and Ian . . . and your interest in the much younger chickies.  What gives?  Isn’t ONE enough?

Aside from creeping Aria out, and making her feel VERY JEALOUS, Fitzy’s new insistence on talking about Jenna, and asking repeated questions about how she became blind, are hitting WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME for Aria, who promised all the rest of the PLL girls that she would never tell ANYONE about the Jenna Thing! 

So, Aria initially copes, by avoiding Fitzy, which kind of sucks.  But then, after she gets the A-OK from Emily to do so, Aria pops by Fitzy’s house with a Very Important Confession to Make . . . She’s afraid, if she tells him that he won’t look at him the same way again.  And yet, Aria DOES end up telling Fitzy about the Jenna thing.  And he, actually, seems TOTALLY COOL WITH IT!  (Would YOU be, if you were him?)

“Nothing you just said to me, changes how I feel about you,” Fitzy remarks sweetly, as a tearful Aria nuzzles her head in his chest.

“Thank you for looking at me tonight, the same way that you did yesterday,” she replies.

WOW!  THAT’S SO SWEET!  Let’s watch these two tongue eachother again to celebrate . . .

The Person of Interest is . . . SPENCER!

Things may be looking up for Aria, but they are certainly looking down for Spencer.  When the poor girl comes home from her “little vacation” with Toby, she learns, in a matter of seconds that (1)  her SISTER, NOT Ali, was the one at Hilton Head with Ian the night before Ali’s death (apparently, at the time, the pair went to get an ABORTION); (2) Spencer’s former “relationship” with Ian was discovered by the cops; and (3) now, the police want to question SPENCER about HER whereabouts the night of Ali’s murder . . .

“Awwww, FUDGE!”

In the final moments of the episode, the rest of the PLL girls receive an “S.O.S.” text from Spencer.  So, the threesome rush toward her house, just in time to find her getting into a cop car, and driving toward the police station AGAIN . . . Of course, they then get ANOTHER text from “A” . . .

It says: “Breaking news b*tches .  . . Spencer Hastings is now a PERSON OF INTEREST (See what they did there?) in my death!”

Thereafter, we are treated to a final image, of “A” watching the whole scene we just witnessed take place via hidden camera, while she . . . or he . . .  lounges at home eating LOTS OF BUTTERY popcorn . . .

Then again, this might not be “A” at all!  It could just be some random schlub, who’s sitting home on a Monday night . . . watching PLL . . . just like US!  (So META!)

And that’s it for this week!  Tune in next week, when (1) Caleb gets discovered for the spying rat he really is; (2) someone tries to take Spencer’s laptop . . . AGAIN; and (3) Blind Jenna’s glasses come off .  . . AGAIN!  You can check out the promo for Episode 20, right here:

See you soon, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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