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Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife – A Once Upon a Time Season 3 Retrospective

glorious

A surprisingly evil Peter Pan, an unsurprisingly evil Wicked Witch of the West and sooooooooo much Captain Hook . . .

broody hook

What am I babbling on about, you ask?  It’s Season 3 of Once Upon a Time, of course!  And you have just enough time to catch up on it, before the Season 4 premiere this coming Sunday.  Do it, right here, right now.  Come on . . . you know you want it!

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The Lazy Recapper Returns Part 1 – A Look at Sunday Night in Sweeps Week Television

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So you know how bears, gorge themselves on food in the weeks leading up to winter hibernation, so that they can sleep through Christmas, fat and happy, without having to worry about being woken up by those pesky hunger pains?

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That’s kind of how I feel during May Sweeps, a.k.a. The Month When I Watch Obscene Amounts of Television to Make Up for those Pesky Summer Months When I’m Forced to Actually Socialize With Real Humans. . .

watch tv all day

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Of course, I understand that there are many people in this world who don’t watch nearly as much television as I do in May.  I’m just not sure what those people talk about with other people . . .

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That’s why I’ve decided to use my formidable TV Watching Powers for GOOD!

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In the next thousand or so words, I’m going to summarize for you just the important things that happened this week on Once Upon a Time, Revenge, Game of Thrones, and Mad Men.  This way, if you happen to be a Non-TV Watching Person, you will have enough information at your disposal to fake it with your friends.  Sound like a plan?

nodding oh yeah

Great!  Let’s get started . . .

Once Upon a Time  Season Finale – “And Straight on Till Morning”

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In the stunning conclusion to Season 2 of Once Upon a Time, the adorkable guy from Can’t Hardly Wait . . .

 . . . turned all Evil, and tried to blow up Storybrooke.

not magic

science

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If he was successful, everyone on the show would be dead except . . . Henry.

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 . . . which would pretty much make Once Upon a Time the most annoying show on the planet.  So, of course, Can’t Hardly Wait Guy had to be stopped!  Surprisingly, Evil Queen Regina was willing to die to service the cause of Less Obnoxious Television . . .

evil queen

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But Mary Margaret said, “We can’t let Evil Queen Regina be the only one who dies in service of Less Obnoxious Television!  We ALL have to do it.”

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This was noble gesture, I guess.  But it put us pretty much right back where we started, in deathly fear of the impending doom of Season 3 becoming Once Upon a Henry.

henry show

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Meanwhile, back in Flashback Land, Captain Hook showed off a softer cuddlier version of himself, when he bonded with a younger version of that Serial Killer from Season 1 of True Blood . . .

broody hook

run

This, of course, made me exceptionally happy.  After all, up to this point, Captain Hook was my favorite character on the show, simply because he’s sexy.  I loved him, even though he was kind of a sh*thead.  And that me feel like a Terrible Person  . . .

shallow and petty

no idea

But this week, we learned that Captain Hook isn’t really a sh*thead.  He just had a “bad childhood.”

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When Hook found out that Baelfire was the son of his mortal enemy, Rumplestiltskin, he did a really nice thing, by not immediately turning him over to that Scary Pale-Faced Lost Boy!  Hook bonded with Baelfire first . . .

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 . . . and didn’t betray him until the conclusion of the flashback.  And even then, he only did it, because the kid said something particularly douchey to him . . .

change for you

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douchebag jar misomeru

In the end, Regina and Emma combined forces (in a particularly sexually suggestive way, I might add) to stop Apocalypse Henry Show from occurring . . .

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STORYBROOKE WAS SAVED!  Even better, news . . . Can’t Hardly Wait Guy kidnapped Henry!  So, what seemed like it was going to be the Only Henry Show, now had the potential to become the Everything But Henry Show . . .

take henry

clap for bonus

But then the Storybrooke Gang found out that Can’t Hardly Wait Guy was working for the most nefarious villain of all time . . . Peter Pan?

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Peter Pan is EVIL?  The guy who gets off on coming into kids homes in the middle of the night, and taking them from their families, hangs out with Lost Boys, and refuses to grow up, even though he’s probably SUPER OLD, by now?  Next you’re going to tell me Santa Claus isn’t real . . .

bad santa

Having successfully crushed my childhood dreams of Peter Pan as a “cool dude crushing on Wendy,” the Storybrooke crew decides it has to travel to Neverland to save Annoying Henry.  And guess who decided to help?

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Also . . .  This Guy . . .

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 . . . a.k.a. Hook’s Mortal Enemy, Rumplestiltskin.  Now, that’s going to make for some awkward dinner table conversation . . .

Also on Sunday night . . .

Revenge Season Finale – “Truth” – Parts 1 and 2

This season’s two part Revenge Finale was entitled “Truth.”  But, personally, I think it should have been called, “Those Bastards.”  As in . . .

They killed Declan Porter, a.k.a. Charlotte’s future Baby Daddy . . . THOSE BASTARDS!

love you so much

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Conrad Grayson colluded with the Initiative (a collective of 1%er terrorists, who capitalize on human tragedy for their own personal financial gain) to blow up his own company, just so he could become EVEN richer . . . THAT BASTARD!

conrad

The Initiative tried to frame Aiden Mathis for blowing up Grayson Global, but ended up framing Nolan Ross instead . . . THOSE BASTARDS!

kick his ass

Aiden Mathis killed that Mr. Miyagi guy, Takeda, and tried to cover it up, so he could keep schtupping Emily/Amanda . . . THAT BASTARD!

mr miyagi guy

Aiden wanted Emily to run away with her, and stop Reveng-ing.  But, ultimately, he let her go, because he believes she loves Jack more.

no one deserved

no one deserved 2

This is true, even though Jack’s been kind of sh*tty to Emily/Amanda lately.   And that makes Jack kind of a . . . wait for it. . .  BASTARD.

Daniel Grayson may have killed Aiden, and then showed up to his father’s inaugural thingy, wearing a shirt covered in the dead guy’s blood, like it was no big deal . . . THAT BASTARD!

grayson

Emily finally revealed her true identity to Jack, just as he was going to kill Conrad Grayson.  (That doesn’t really make her a bastard.  I just wanted to share the moment with you, and couldn’t think of another way to fit it in.)

amanda clarke

And finally, Victoria’s long lost son showed up at her doorstep.  He’s literally a Bastard  . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .

help you

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Game of Thrones – “The Bear and the Maiden Fair”

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Many things happened this week on Game of Thrones, but only three stand out in my memory.  First, the guy who used to play Simon on Skins . . .

simon misfits

 . . . continued to torture Theon Greyjoy . . .

kind of a dick

 . . . by taunting him with two hot prostitutes, and then CUTTING OFF HIS WEINER, before he got a chance to enjoy them . . .

wanker

Now, that takes balls . . . which Poor Theon no longer has . . .

Also, this week on Game of Thrones, Daenerys Targeryen, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains and Kicker of Asses, threatened to torch yet another city, if it didn’t free all its slaves ASAP . . .

no mercy

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 . . .  She’s kind of like a hot female version of Abe Lincoln, you know?

abe lincoln

But most important, to me anyway, was the moment when Jamie Lannister, formerly known as The Guy Who Pushes Little Boys Out Ten-Story Windows So that He Can Continue To Have Sex with his Sister . . .

things i do

 . . . won my heart.  First, he tearfully promised his reluctant companion-turned-obvious soulmate, the adorably awkward Brienne of Tarth that he would return the Stark girls to their mother,  to defend his lady’s honor.

goodbye ser jamie

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Then, as if that wasn’t enough,Jamie returns to Harrenhal, just in time to jump into a deep pit, and SAVE BRIENNE FROM A BEAR!

covering bear

Honestly, all I want from a guy is for him to jump into a pit and save me from a wild rabid beast, determined to eat off my face.  Is that too much to ask?

leaving together

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And last, but certainly not least .. .

Mad Men – “Man with a Plan”

This week’s episode was called “Man with a Plan,” but it should have been called “Don Draper is a Douchebag.”

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You know you’re a seriously bad dude when you can’t even be nice to THE WOMAN YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE WITH!

sex stuff

Fearing that the merger of SCDP and CDG, which he orchestrated, would cause him to lose his Big Boy Pants at the office, Don went all 50 Shades of Pathetic, on his neighbor / mistress, Lindsey Weir from Freaks and Geeks, by making her kneel on the ground before him and tie his shoes, forcing her to stay in bed while he worked, and telling her that she “wasn’t allowed to think.”

offended

tell your face

But the last straw really came about, when Don had the nerve to STEAL LINDSEY’S BOOK!  No one comes between a girl and her book. . .  NO ONE!

hate high school

This heinous action caused Lindsey to awaken from the dream that she was dating Hot Mysteriously Broody Don from Seasons 1 and 2, and realize that she was actually dating, Self-Destructive, Alcoholic, Not-Quite-as-Hot, Loser Don from Season 6.  . .

all this is a dream

So, Lindsey kicked Don to the curb, rejoined the Mathletes, and all, once again, became right in the world. . .

bye affair

Unfortunately, however, Don’s reign of terror wasn’t over yet.  He later took his wrath out on his new partner, Ted Chaough, by getting the latter wasted at the office, so that he would embarrass himself in front of his employees . . .

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But ultimately, Ted got the last laugh, when he took a land loving, queasy Don Draper, up in a bi-plane during a rain storm, JUST BECAUSE HE COULD!

ahhhh

Pretty bad ass for a nerd . . . don’t ya think?

deal with it

Elsewhere in the office, the rest of the gang at SCDP was getting adjusted to their new office digs, where some employees received warmer welcomes than others . . .

glad youre here

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Also this week on Mad Men, poor Joan Holloway had a bit of a health scare of the ovarian cyst variety.   Fortunately, that Adorable Ass Kiss Bob Benson was there to rescue her.  Not only did he personally escort her to the hospital, and get her in to see the doctor, right away, by claiming she accidentally swallowed furniture polish . . .

no place to go

 . . . he even stopped by her home later on in the evening to check on her, and bring her baby boy the adorably age inappropriate gift of a football!

i like balls stoner kol

Hey, I know you guys all don’t trust this guy.  You think he’s a mole from a rival agency, or an FBI G-Man out to investigate the ad guy formally known as Dick Whitman, or a homeless man, or a homicidal maniac out to murder Joan and then eat her face off with a pair of chopsticks.  But I LIKE Bob Benson, dammit!  And until I learn otherwise, I’m just going to assume he’s a polite attractive, well-dressed, gentleman, who really, really, REALLY loves his coffee . . .

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And there you have it folks, four hours of television in under 1800 words.  Next up, the Lazy Recapper covers Tuesday Night’s Fox Finale Comedy Hour of New Girl and The Mindy Project.  See ya then!

freeze frame ktsalvatore

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr][Fangirls Forever]

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Lost Boys and Peter Pan Complexes – A Recap of Big Love’s “The Sins of The Father”

Welcome back, Big Lovers!  A lot has happened since we last visited the Henrickson clan.  Bill got the Senate nomination!  Ben went off to live with his Bat-S*&^ Crazy Grandma!  Barb got hot and steamy with another man!

Tonight’s episode had a lot to do with accepting responsibility for, and coming to terms with, one’s past.  While some characters were able to do this successfully, others seemed to regress, resorting to pouting, name-calling, manipulation, and other childish antics, to get what they wanted. 

So, what do you say we jump on the campaign bandwagon, to find out which Henricksons “grew up,” and which decided to remain in Never Never Land?

Father Knows Least

“I just can’t understand why all of you won’t cater to my every whim.”

If you recall, erstwhile D-Bag Bill kicked his 17-year-old son Ben out of the house, because his wife, Margene, developed feelings for Ben and kissed him on the mouth.  All of this was clearly Ben’s fault!  After all, despite his youth, Ben is a MAN!  Therefore, he should ABSOLUTELY be responsible for controlling the inappropriate sexual urges of all of the “weak and feeble-minded” women in his life.  Right?

 (Ooh, perhaps I went a bit heavy on the sarcasm there . . . Naaaah.)

“Man, compared to this guy, even I’m evolved!”

In addition to banishing his own son, Bill is also giving Margene the cold shoulder.  Barb initially pleads with Bill to take back his son and play nice with Margene.  “You have to forgive her,” Barb lectures, using words that will come back to haunt her by the episode’s end.

However, when Barb learns that this was more than just a “missed peck on the cheek,” her tune quickly changes.  She too begins giving Margene the cold shoulder.  And how does Margene respond to all this iciness?  By sucking on a helium balloon and speaking in an “adorably” squeaky voice, of course.  (I’m not kidding.  She actually does this.)

“Margene is hot and all.  But I am starting to think that she is a bit too immature for me.  Too bad Sarah is already taken . . .”

While crashing at his Big Sister Sarah’s, Ben calls his Grandma Lois, in hopes of getting some money with a much-needed side of sympathy.  When Ma Henrickson learns what Bill did, she is understandably horrified, not to mention overcome with guilt.  This situation forces Lois to recall how she sat idly by, while her husband threw Bill and his brother Joey out of the house, when both were barely teenagers.

Lois confronts Bill with the intention of preventing him from repeating his father’s mistakes.  However, the self-involved Lois winds up merely defending her own cowardly past misdeeds.  “This isn’t my fault,” she whines.  (Oh, yes, it is!)

Later, when Bill gets roped into spending the evening at his own casino to please an important campaign contributor (This is the first time I’ve actually seen him there all season), he is mortified to find his own parents in attendance and causing a scene.  Bill and his father soon come to blows.  Bill blames his father for his crappy childhood.  Papa Henrickson responds by calling Bill out on his own hypocrisy.  They beat each other up a bit.

To make matters even worse for Bill, Joey, typically a staunch supporter of Bill’s, surprises his brother by taking his father’s side.  “You are on the wrong path, brother,” scolds Joey. 

And in polygamist speak, telling someone that they are on the wrong path is about as bad as telling them to go %$& themselves.  (Worse, actually, since polygamists don’t curse).

Nikki Develops a Conscience

Nikki’s been a busy little bee lately.  Bill has decided to pimp her out to his opponent’s campaign in order to collect some helpful intel.  At the same time, she is posing as Bill’s “assistant,” Daphne, in order to quell the suspicions of the devious lobbyist, Marilyn.  “Why am I always the one asked to do morally ambiguous things?”  Nikki inquires.  (Good question.)

Bill puts up some lame excuse about delegating jobs that cater to everyone’s individual strengths.  Nikki, who obviously has dreadfully low self esteem, seems to buy into this.  But I, for one, would be hugely offended, if I were her.  Basically, Bill has just told his own wife that her “strengths” lie in being a conniving bitch.  Based on past experience, this may be true, but still . . . 

“I’m not bad.  I’m just drawn that way.”

Some Like it Hot

To say that Bill’s Senatorial campaign is bringing out the worst in Barb is the understatement of the century.  Normally calm and collected, Barb lashes out at Margene when she finds out the true nature of her feelings for Ben, calling her a flirt and a floozy.  Barb then gets real classy, outing Margene’s deceased mother as a low-class alcoholic.

“Oh no she di-dn’t!”

Barb concludes this “mature and rational” meeting of the minds by knocking down Margene’s bracelet sales display with the verve and intensity of a playground bully.  Realizing that she needs to “cool off,” Barb heads to the casino where she encounters its co-owner Tommy.  Instead of cooling things off for Barb, Tommy decides to heat them up, by taking Barb to a sweat lodge.

Tommy’s hot shirtless bod doesn’t go unnoticed by Barb, particularly when she finds out that he is a widower.  The sexual tension between these two has been evident since they started arguing with one another early in the season about how to run the casino.  Now, it appears the pair has reached a whole new level of “hot for each other”-ness.

Barb leaves the sweat lodge before things can get too steamy between her and Tommy.  However, she returns there on her own to gather her thoughts at the end of the episode.  I having a feeling that this is not the last we will see of Barb and Tommy.

(It is now official.  Every single wife of Bill’s has had an emotion affair on his ass.  It serves him right, as far as I am concerned . . .)

Rebel With a Cause

In Bill’s defense, he actually made some important strides toward being a decent human being, during this episode.  For one thing, he refused to link up with the clearly EEEEVVVIL lobbyist Marilyn, despite the fact that doing so would undoubtedly help his campaign.

Bill does the right thing again, when tragic news hits Utah regarding a “Lost Boy,” who escaped from the Juniper Creek compound, robbed a convenient store, and ended up being killed as a result.  When Bill’s Senatorial adversary, Coburn, pushes him to take a hard stance against the dead youth and the crimes he committed, Bill takes the high road and refuses.  Later, in secret, he contacts the county and ensures that the boy be given a proper burial.

On the day of the primary runoff election, Bill returns to the convention center to find it wallpapered with his mug shot, which was taken during his own “Lost Boy” teenage years.  And I’ll be darned if the young Bill Henrickson isn’t a spitting image of the young Frank Sinatra.

(Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the actual “Henrickson mugshot” to post here.  However, anyone who saw the episode could probably back me up on this one.)

During the Republican Primary Debate, Bill surprises everyone by coming clean about his father’s abuse, his mother’s abandonment, and his childhood crimes.  In a heartfelt speech that literally brought tears to my eyes, erstwhile D-Bag Bill invites his community to take responsibility for its “Lost Children,” and accept these neglected children’s sins as their own.

As a result of this admittedly awesome speech, Bill wins the primary against his highly unsympathetic opponent, who actually reminded me a lot of this guy . . .

During the celebration of his victory, a humbled Bill agrees to try and reconcile with Margene.  He even goes as far as to patronize Barb for not being as open and godlike as he has just recently become.  “You have to forgive her,” Bill scolds, throwing Barb’s own words from the episode’s opening back in her face.  (Burn!)

As much as that line made me cringe, when Sarah tells Bill that young Ben did not come to his victory celebration; and has, instead, went off to live with Crazy Ma and Pa Henrickson, I genuinely felt bad for the guy.

Growing up isn’t always easy . . .

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