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“Too Hot to Watch” – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Hold Me in Paradise”

Poor Eli Thompson!  As if being the Daniel Baldwin of his family wasn’t bad enough.  This guy gets ONE opportunity to show his big brother he’s not a TOTAL LOSER.  And what happens?  He gets stood up, robbed, shot in the stomach, and his BURNING PORN nearly sets his brother’s house on fire!

There is a special place in Hell reserved for people who watch Black-and-White “Wind-up Porn”  starring “Naughty Nuns.”

And yet, the attack that Lucky Luciano, Meyer Lansky and Co. made on Nucky’s casino, and on Eli, in particular, launched a sequence of events that will undoubtedly shape this series, in the episodes to come . . .

Hard-up for Harding . . .

Warren G. Harding was the 29th President of the United States.  And yet, he was only really known for two things: (1) dying while in office; and (2) being the President most often featured on various “Worst President in History” lists.  Harding was a blow-hard, slutty, corrupt, and associated with plenty of known criminals.  And, as far as this show would have you believe, Nucky Thompson, more or less, singlehandedly secured him the Presidency .  . . well . . . at least the Republican nomination.

You’re welcome.”

Ever since Jimmy Darmody was exhiled from Atlantic City to Chicago, a few episodes back, I’ve often wondered how the writers of this show would tie together what seemed to me like two completely separate storylines.  After all, the show is called Boardwalk Empire, not Chicago Empire.  (Not that I’m complaining, mind you.  I LOVE MY WEEKLY DOSE OF AL CAPONE!)

This week, when Nucky headed over to Chicago to attend the Republican National Convention, all those lingering questions were answered. 

At first everything seems to be business as usual for Nucky.  First, talks up that two-timing snake Senator Hedge, who (wrongly) believes himself to be a shoe-in for the Vice Presidential Nomination.

Never trust a man with a Count Dracula hairdo . . .

“We are going to take this thing, Nucky!  And, as soon as we do, the sky is the limit,” brags Hedge.

“The sky?  I’m only interested in the road,” Nucky fires back, not-so-subtly alluding to the roadway deal Senator Hedge made with the Mayor of Jersey City, behind his back.

As it turns out, Hedge has a favor to ask of Nucky.  He wants the A.C. King to attend a campaign event thrown by Harding’s campaign manager — a guy named Harry Doherty (based on Harding’s real campaign manager, of the same name) on his behalf. 

Now, even had I not been familiar with the historical background of Harry Doherty (OK . . . I wasn’t), I could have told you immediately that he would be BAD NEWS, just based on who was playing him.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is Harry Doherty . . .

I’m referring to the guy without the war paint . . . obviously.

Seriously, have you EVER seen this actor (his name is Christopher McDonald, by the way) play a character that wasn’t a total and complete douchebag?  Talk about being typecast!  In fact, if I ever see this guy cast as a do-gooder humanitarian in a film, I might just drop dead, in shock.

But I digress . . .

Upon meeting with Harry, Nucky is so impressed with his ability to be a bigger sleazebucket than he is “work a room,” as well as the obvious power he has over Harding, that the A.C. King decides to get in bed with him . . .

 

I meant that figuratively, of course . . .

So, Nucky and Harry strike up a deal.  Nucky will secure Harding enough delegates to get the Republican nomination, provided the chameleonic Hedge is NOT selected as Harding’s VP.  Furthermore, if Harding agrees to fund Nucky’s”Road Project,” Nucky will take Harding’s “mistress,” Nan Britton, and her son, Harding’s bastard child, off the politician’s hands, until Election Day.  (The mother and child will stay in Atlantic City, with Margaret, and the rest of the “concubines.”)

Before leaving Chicago, Nucky once again runs into Senator Hedge.  Now that he has the “Road” support he needed, and a future President in his back pocket, Nucky no longer needs to kiss this guy’s ass.  “The only chance you’ll have of entering the White House is on a guided tour,” challenges Nucky.

Fear not, Senator Hedge!  There are plenty of other ways to get into the White House, without being a Vice President or Cabinet Member.  For example . . .

How comfortable are you with wearing a bunny suit?

 But Senator Hedge wasn’t the only politician that came off looking lousy, in this episode.  El Presidente didn’t fare too well, either.  Warren Harding’s ramblings to Nucky when the pair first met were pretty bad.  But that LAME ASS poem he wrote to his mistress was FAR WORSE. 

“Hold Me in Paradise,” cooes Mistress Nan, on the train ride back to Atlantic City, as she reads from one of Harding’s infamous “love letters.”

“That imbecile is going to be the next President of the United States,” snarks Nucky, when Nan excuses herself to use the rest room.

Indeed . . .

 Lucy Danziger Teaches Us How to Speak Irish . . .

Meanwhile, back in Atlantic City, Margaret is at the Ritz Carlton, basking in the joys of being a very well-paid prostitute.  Her tea companion is fellow concubine, Annabelle, or, as I like to call her, Miss Wigs-a-Lot.  (Seriously, this lady’s got more mismatched headpieces than Lady Gaga!)

“I’d smile, but my mouth is too sore from sucking . . . lemons.  Why, what did you think I was going to say?”

But Annabelle and Margarets royal snoozefest rollicking good time is interrupted by Margaret’s old boss from the dress shop, who is looking rather worse for wear. 

(Get it?  “Worse for Wear?”  Because she works at a dress shop?  No?  Well, you can’t blame a gal for trying . . .)

Interestingly enough according to IMDB, Margaret’s old boss is named Madame Jeunet.  However, the way Margaret pronounced her name, I thought for sure that she was referring to that girl from Forrest Gump . . .

Madame Jenny, I am not a smart man.  But I know what dumb annoying slut Lucy Danziger is.”

Anyway, Madame JEUNET is very upset, because Lucy Damnslut has barged into her “fine” dress shop demanding service.  Lucy does this, despite the fact that Nucky cut that Biatch’s unlimited credit line, the minute he found a suitable replacement sex toy . . .

Lucy, as per usual, is totally wasted, and flails about aimlessly, slurring incoherent insults at everybody within shooting range.  She calls Margaret Mrs. McDougal, and Margaret politely corrects her.  (Her last name is Schroeder, thank you very much!)

“Is that Irish for b*tch?”  Lucy inquires, showing off her impressive multilingual skills.  (Who said you couldn’t learn anything from HBO?)

Suddenly, Boardwalk Empire has skidded into Spanish Telenovela territory, with the two overly made-up women getting up in each other’s faces, and fighting over one Macho Stallion of a Man.

“You think he’s your friend.  You think you understand him,” challenges Lucy, throwing out the most coherent lines she’s had all episode.

“And what if I did?” Margaret seethes.

“Well than you’re the Dumbest Dora I have ever met,” fires back Lucy.

WELL!  Margaret may share her last name with a Tiny Pianist (and an Irish B*tch?), but she is NO DORA!  And so, like any good Telenovela heroine, Margaret slaps that evil wench Lucy right across the mouth, and stomps out of the Ritz Carlton, in triumph!

“Well thanks for dining and dashing, Dora B*tch!”

How to Scar Your Children for Life – by Angela Darmody

“Oh, don’t be such a prude!  I breast fed that boy, what harm could a few more boobies do?”

Back at the house formerly known as Jimmy Darmody’s, Jimmy’s Gay Wife Angela is busy painting the ugliest naked chick picture I have ever seen in my ENTIRE LIFE!  (The sex must be REALLY GOOD, for Angela’s lover to think she’s actually a good artist.  That’s all I’ve got to say . . .)  But the fact that Angela is painting an ugly ass naked chick picture is not NEARLY as disturbing, as the fact that she’s forcing her kid to watch!

“That’s pretty, Mommy,” says the dumbfounded four-year old boy, in a scene he will likely relive OVER and OVER AGAIN in therapy, for YEARS TO COME!

Jimmy’s mom enters the room, takes one look at that HIDEOUS picture, and immediately suggests Angela start thinking about a getting a job that actually gives her a shot at MAKING SOME MONEY.

“You know, we could put that picture outside.  I bet it would keep the raccoons from digging in our trash cans . . .”

But Mrs. Darmody doesn’t want to WORK!  And why should she?  When she has a Sexy Princeton Educated Hoodlum earning for her, over in Chicago!

Just another day at the office . . .

Except, that’s the problem.  Even though WE know that Jimmy has been sending cash to his wife, each week, like a Good Little Hubby, Angela hasn’t received ONE RED CENT!  And Girlfriend is going BROKE!  As it turns out, Jimmy’s “letters” have been regularly intercepted by THIS GUY . . .

Yes, Mr. Van Alden.  It is BAD to steal money from untalented young mothers, who have no alternate means of support.  You are a BAD BOY!  BAD BOY!

Some People Just Weren’t Meant to Procreate . . .

At first, it seemed as though Agent Van Alden was rifling through the Darmody’s mail for “surveillance purposes.”  After all, Darmody was a suspect in robbery / murder, and was, for all intents and purposes, still missing-at-large.  And yet, Van Alden could have easily gleaned the information he needed from the envelopes, resealed them, and simply returned them to Angela’s mailbox, once they had been investigated.  No one would be any the wiser.

Except . . . it seemed that Van Alden had more selfish plans for the bundles of cash he had lying in his desk drawer.  In, yet another AWKWARD husband-wife scene that we have come to accept from this creepy character, Mrs. Van Alden starts bawling at the dinner table, because she has her period.  (It’s OK, Mrs. Van A!  My period makes ME CRY TOO!)

As it turns out Mrs. Van Alden is crazy enough to want to make a Baby Nelson. But she can’t have one, because she has a HOSTILE UTERUS!

But . . . there is HOPE!  For the mere price of $270, Mrs. Van A can MAKE PEACE WITH HER UTERUS, and make babies with her Psychotic Self-Flagellating Husband!  (Umm . . . yay?)

The only problem is that Mr. Van A spends his ENTIRE salary on leather belts and whips.  Therefore, he has no cash to pay for his wife’s  Uterus Rehab.

Later in the episode, we see Van Alden fingering Jimmy’s cash, and slipping it all into an envelope.  We ASSUME the envelope is headed to his Hostile Uterus-having wife, but it is NOT!

Instead, Nelson sent the money back to ANGELA (who, really should have had it in the first place . . .).  Oh, but, don’t worry!  He sent a letter to his wife too!  And it said all sorts of nice stuff in it, like “Maybe the Lord wants you to be barren.  Ever think of that?” and, “Trust in the Lord,” and “Too bad, so sad on you, you Childless Wench!  I literally whack off to a picture of Miss Schroeder on a daily basis.”

That Van Alden’s a real romantic, isn’t he?

In Other News . . .

Arnold Rothstein made a lawyer joke . . .

“I prefer to make my living honestly,” said Mr. Rothstein, when his lawyer suggested he go to law school, based on his award-winning testimony regarding the “Black Sox Scandal,” which Rothstein purportedly orchestrated himself.

Right, Arnie!  Like we’ve never heard THAT one before  . . .

Well, THAT was awkward . . .

Back in Chicago, discomfort abounds, when Nucky is at The Brothel, chatting up Johnny Torrio for scoop on the political situation in Ohio.  It is there that he runs into Jimmy . . .

Nucky doesn’t look the least bit happy to see his “protege.”  Instead, Nucky insults Jimmy, calling him out on being a Deadbeat Dad, for not sending more money to Angela, even though Jimmy can clearly afford to buy himself Snazzy $70 suits, like the one he’s wearing.  Little does Nucky know that Jimmy owns precisely ONE SUIT.   In fact, he hasn’t taken it off once, since he purchased it around episode 4.  (I bet it smells like a dream . . .)

However, Nucky’s tune quickly changes, when he gets a call from A.C., informing him that his casino was robbed, and his brother, Eli was shot and wounded.

Now, suddenly, Nucky is forced to kiss Jimmy’s ass.  He offers Jimmy a sweet percentage of all his bootleg profits, if the Little Guy agrees to come back to A.C., and work for him again.  “I’m doing really well here,” pouts Jimmy, clearly angling for a little fatherly affection, from the guy who was once his surrogate and possibly biological dad.

But Nucky isn’t really one for fatherly affection.  Instead, the A.C. King tells Jimmy that he will always be an outsider in the Chicago Gang, because they are all Italian, and he’s Irish.  But Jimmy plays it cool, telling Nucky, “I’ll think about it.”

However, later that night, we see Jimmy staring forlornly at Al Capone and his buddies, as they play cards, and make “Yo Mama” jokes to one another, in, you guessed it, Italian.

“Hmph!  You guys all think you are SO COOL!  But I bet you didn’t know that Schroeder is Irish for B*tch!  Yo Mama is a TOTAL Schroeder, Capone!”

Knowing full well that the shooting of Eli marks the start to a full-on Gang War on his home turf, a frantic Nucky phones Margaret, in the middle of the night. 

“Isn’t it a little late for phone sex?”

Nucky quickly fills Margaret in on what happened to Eli.  He then instructs her to go to his suite at the Ritz, hide his ledger book, and wait there with her children, until he arrives home.  “You’re the only one I can trust,” says Nucky the Moron.

So, of course, Margaret heads off to La Casa de Nucky.  Once there, she gets a phone call from a “Breather,” and stupidly tells him, “This is Margaret Schroeder.” (That’s Irish for B*tch!)

Seriously?  I thought Margaret was supposed to be SMART?  Who, in their right mind, tells a “Breather” who’s probably out to murder your lover, and ransack the suite where you and your kids are staying, their FULL NAME?  She might as well have given out her Social Security Number, the names and ages of her children, and where in the suite they’d all be, by the time he arrived . . .

Oh, and then Margaret starts sifting through Nucky’s ledger, and acts ALL SHOCKED, when she finds payments made for booze delivery, in there. 

“My goodness!  This is terrible.  My whole life is a LIE!  I could use a stiff drink.  I wonder if Nucky has any whiskey in his office . . .”

As if Margaret HONESTLY had NO CLUE the Nucky was involved in illegal bootlegging, despite already knowing, full well, that ALL the men working for him were. 

You know, I never thought I’d say this, but Lucy Danziger might be the Smart Chick in Nucky’s life after all . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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It’s Getting Hot in Here . . . – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Home”

Let me start by saying how much I’ve been enjoying Boardwalk Empire this season.  The characters are interesting.  The scripts are smart and witty.  The plot twists are unexpected.  However, I do have one small suggestion that would considerably improve my own personal appreciation of the show.  Nametags. 

I can’t tell you how many times, while watching this show, I’ve had to stop and check my notes, to ascertain WHO a particular person was, and HOW he or she related to the main characters of this story.  With a Nametag, all of that information would be right on your television screen!  Allow me to illustrate with some simple examples:

This is Chalky White:

(Nice jacket!)

And this is his Nametag:

This is Al Capone:

And this is his Nametag:

Finally, this is Lucy Danziger:

And this is her Nametag:

Can’t you see how something like this would be VERY helpful to viewers of Boardwalk Empire like you and me?

But enough about that.  Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Old Dirty Bastard

Hide your cats, kids!  Daddy’s home!

Boy, Nucky’s Dad sure ended up being an evil demented wackadoo, didn’t he?  But you know bothered me most about him?  It wasn’t that he told his own son, “You may think you’re king, but you aren’t worth a damn!”   

And it wasn’t that he scalded Nucky’s hand with a hot poker, for grabbing at a loaf of bread, when he was a boy.  It wasn’t even that he landed Nucky in the hospital for 11 days, by forcing him to pick a fight with boys four years older than he.  No . . . I hate Papa Thompson because he’s MEAN TO CATS!

“Only one of us has nine lives, Old Man.  And it’s DEFINITELY not you!”

When we first see him in this episode, Papa Thompson poking the poor felines residing in his home with sticks, and calling them nasty names.  At first, I thought the Old Coot was just talking to himself (as the interminably aged tend to do).  But when I found out he was berating the Purrrfect Ones, he got a big fat X in my book!  Can you really blame those cute little kitties for peeing all over his house?

I’m not going to lie, when the cats tripped Papa Thompson’s ass and he kerplunked on the floor, I cheered!

Remember that old commercial with the elderly lady and her walker?

“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!”

This scene was kind of like that.  Except, the old lady in that commercial, to my knowledge, was never mean to cats.  So, I actually felt bad for laughing at her.

Anyway, Nucky takes time out of his busy schedule of screwing, and screwing people over, to collect his fallen Daddy from the floor of his childhood home.  With Nucky, is his loveable, but not too swift, younger brother, Eli.

The brothers agree that their father can no longer live alone in the house.  Nucky immediately suggests putting his father in an old age home, but Eli won’t hear of it.  “He can stay with me,” Eli offers gallantly.

Later, Nucky meets with an adorably sweet employee of his, who has a wife and tons of kids.  Nucky learns that the employee is saving up to buy a home for his family, but is not able to afford it.  In a rare moment of decency — one that doesn’t involve his own trying to get rich or get laid for change — Nucky generously offers to give his employee the home for free, provided the Family Man can repair it, and remove the cat piss smell from its walls.

The Family Man is overjoyed!

He quickly fixes up the house, using all of his family’s savings on repairs.  When Nucky comes to visit the place, it looks as good as new!  So, Nucky, after a few choice words from his dad, decides to burn it to the ground.

When the Poor Family Man arrives on site to find his Dream Home overtaken by flames, Nucky boredly hands him a large wad of bills.  “Here.  Find a nicer place to live,” he says, before getting in his car, and driving away.

Ouch!  It looks like the apple might not fall too far from the cat-abusing tree . . .

A Few Screws Loose

Over in Chicago, Jimmy’s war injury has been acting up.  So, he heads to a doctor that specializes in treating veterans.  Aside from making some lame jokes about Jimmy having a few “screws loose” in his leg, the doctor provides our antihero with little help.  However, he does suggest that Jimmy submit to some psychological testing for war veterans.

I was actually really surprised that Jimmy agreed to go to the testing center in the first place, because it seemed so out of character for him to willingly do something like that.

“This is what I do to people who ask me to talk about my feelings.”

However, had Jimmy not gone to the test center, he would not have met Richard Harrow, a fellow war veteran, and an expert sniper, with a penchant for shooting guys in the face.  Speaking of faces, did I mention that Richard only has half of one?  The other half must have blown off during the war.  So, Richard has to wear a cool Phantom of the Opera-type mask, which makes him closely resemble a character in a Dick Tracy comic.

As if all this didn’t make Richard awesome enough, he also has this deep raspy voice, like a Budweiser Frog . . .

 . . . and a complete lack of affect, which makes his line delivery sound like something out of the movie RainMan.

“Six minutes to Wapner.  Kmart Sucks.”

Jimmy, who is fast becoming the manager of Team Kickass Gangster, knows a good future hoodlum when he sees one.  So, he quickly strikes up a friendship with the Masked One.  The two play hooky together from Psychological Testing, and head off to Jimmy’s favorite Hangout, Johnny Torrio’s Brothel.  Having concluded that the Masked One has never “been with a woman,” Jimmy nips that problem in the bud, lickety split.  Now THAT’S a good friend!

Later, thanks to a tip from Al Capone (who I WISH was in this episode more), Jimmy arrives at a bar on Chicago’s northside, and confronts Liam — the guy who cut up Pearl’s face a few episodes back, and, ultimately brought about her suicide.

With an eerie nonchalance that would make Michael Corleone proud, Jimmy lulls Liam into a false sense of security, by recounting an old war tale of a German soldier who got caught amidst a tangle of barbed wire, and yet still retained the will to live.  “Sometimes living is far worse than dying,” Jimmy concludes.  “I don’t ever want to see you here again.”

As Jimmy leaves, we hear Liam take a loud sigh of relief.  Then, a pitcher of water across the room from him shatters.  The patrons of the bar look around in confusion.  Then they see it — a small bullet-sized hole in the window.  A hole that matches the one on Liam’s face, right below his eye. 

We cut to an apartment a few floors above the bar, where the Super Cool Richard Barrow is calmly packing his gun back inside a brief case.  It was BY FAR the best scene in this episode!  And the fact that it was accompanied by music from the Phantom of the Opera, and followed by a pivotal scene from the film, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (“It was at this moment, that Dr. Jekyll was awakened to the baser sense of his nature.”), just made the whole thing ten times better!

Watching the Jekyll and Hyde film in question, is an increasingly agitated Lucy Dumb Slut, who is not taking her replacement by Margaret as Nucky’s favorite Sex Toy, particularly well.

Be afraid Margaret.  Be VERY AFRAID!

Van Alden’s Big Break

Back at the station, Nelsan Van Alden . . .

 . . . may not be any closer to convicting Nucky for any wrong doing.  However, he sure does seem to be developing a compelling case against Jimmy Darmody!  When one of Jimmy’s accomplices in that liquor raid featured in the pilot episode, is fingered on a bunch of unrelated charges, the Rat quickly drops a dime on Jimmy, in exchange for clemency.

(Ummmm .  . . you can stop hitting yourself now, Mr. Van Alden.  This is very good news for you . . .)

Girls who like Girls . . .

Speaking of Jimmy, remember when we all thought that his wife was banging that photographer, while he was away at war?  Well, it turns out, she wasn’t.  She was banging his wife.  Apparently, Angela is an artist of some sort, and her lover is trying to get her work shown in some swank New York gallery. 

During this scene, we also learn that Jimmy has been wisely putting Nucky’s name on the envelopes containing the money he sends his family monthly, so his rivals will not be able to locate him.  It sure makes him look like a prick to his family, though . . .

Speaking of Pricks . . .

. . . Margaret acts like a bit of one to Nucky, when he tries to tell her about his effed up relationship with his Dad.  “I’m no stranger to a man’s cruelty,” she says, dismissively.  “Sometimes it’s best to leave the past where it is.”

It seems Margaret has been getting some bad advice lately.  The first piece of it came last week from a pamphlet entitled “Family Limitation,” and involved a bottle of Lysol.

This week, one of her new whore friends instructs her not to allow Nucky to talk too much about his personal problems, because it will make him feel “weak.”  Margaret ultimately apologizes to Nucky for her insensitive behavior.  Nucky, to his credit, appears to take her faux pas in stride, eventually coming clean to Margaret about his father’s uncommon cruelty. 

To show there are no hard feelings, Nucky allows Margaret’s kids to call him “Daddy” “Uncle,” and even lets one of them come watch him burn his Dad’s house down. 

Awwwww . . . family bonding!  How sweet!

Meet Michael Lewis Meyer Lansky

While Nucky is huffing, and puffing, and blowing his Dad’s house down, Arnold Rothstein is trying to do the same thing to Nucky’s illegal liquor business.  When Chalky White is visited by a man who calls himself “Michael Lewis,” Nucky’s No-Nonsense Bootlegger becomes instantly suspicious.

“You may stay where the f*ck you standing,” he tells the young man, when the later politely requests admittance into Chalky’s “office.”

“Michael,” as it turns out, has a business proposition for Chalky.  It involves Chalky delivering liquor directly to Michael for $10,000 and cutting out Nucky as the Middle Man.  Though initially intrigued by the idea, Chalky smells a Rat.

“Tell Nucky it’s going to take more than 10 grand for me to f*ck him over,” scoffs Chalky.

“You can’t blame a guy for trying,” concedes “Michael,” as he exits stage left.

Later, we learn that “Michael” (who’s real name is Meyer Lansky) wasn’t working for Nucky at all.  Rather, he works for Arnold Rothstein.

You see, Arnold, Meyer, and Lucky Luciano are trying to get a foothold in the New Jersey liquor business.  But they need capital to do it.  And so, they contact the Philadelphia crime family, which is led by a guy named Mickey Doyle, and that dude from The Sopranos and Doogie Howser, M.D.

(Apparently, it was this Philly gang, and not Rothstein’s gang, who robbed Nucky’s “tax collector” at the beginning of last week’s episode.  See what I mean . . . about them all needing name tags!)

With the help of Lucky’s bravado . . .

“I’m a Captain in bed of Industry!”

 . . . and Meyer’s fast-talking salesmanship, the gangs of New York and Philly quickly form an EVVVVVILLL Alliance against Nucky Thompson.  Together, the two gangs plan to rob one of Nucky’s Atlantic City casinos, and use that cash to finance their own illegal liquor enterprise. 

(Don’t get me wrong, it’s a clever idea  .  . . but I think I liked it better when it was called Ocean’s Eleven . . .)

Arnold Rothstein is cute and all . . . but he’s NO George Clooney.

So, there you have it.  Though it was far from my favorite episode of the series (last week’s “Family Limitations probably still owns the crown on that title), “Home” did provide us with some illuminating insight into Nucky’s psyche.  It also introduced us to a couple of intriguing new characters: the enigmatic Richard Harrow and real-life criminal mastermind, Meyer Lansky.

Did I mention, there were cats in the episode?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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