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Just Bieb It! – A Recap of Glee’s “Comeback”

OK. Confession Time!  Before this episode aired, I had NEVER HEARD A JUSTIN BIEBER SONG.  Not one . . . ever.  I’m not sure why this is, exactly.  But I strongly suspect it might have something to do with his hair.  Simply put, it frightens me.

Yeah . . . remember that Chucky doll, they used to make all the horror movies about, back in the 90’s?  (I’m not even going to post a picture of him here, because I plan on getting some sleep tonight.  Thank you very much!)  Well, Bieber’s hair . . . it kind of reminds me of that freaky doll.

So, when I heard Glee was doing a Bieber-themed episode, I was skeptical to say the least.  “Would Justin himself be making an appearance?”  I thought to myself.   “Would I (gasp) have to stare at THE HAIR for AN HOUR?”

The answers to those questions ended up being “No” an “YES,” respectively.  And while this wasn’t exactly my favorite Glee installment, it did offer some genuinely funny moments.  It also gave me a minor appreciation for The Biebster.  (His hair still scares me though . . . A LOT.)

Let’s take a Bieb-alicious look back, at “Comeback,” shall we?

Meet Sam . . . and Sam’s Hair

It’s officially been half a season, since Sam Evans first became a member of Glee club, and since Chord Overstreet joined the cast, as a series regular.  Since then, the Glee writers haven given Sam a few solos, his own love interest, and more shirtless scenes than ANY CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, including (unfortunately) Puck . . .

But what they haven’t really given him is much of a personality.  And this week’s episode, while not going all the way, definitely took some strides toward remedying that oversight.

When the episode begins, we learn that, in the wake of her firework-inducing, mono-giving, makeout session with Finn (or, as I have taken to calling him, recently, Finndouche, Quinn has grown bored with Sam and his “mad choosing skills.”

Quinn openly scoffs at Sam’s suggestion that the pair go to “Color Me Mine” for Date Night.  Now, as far as hot dates go, “Color Me Mine” probably falls somewhere between “McNugget Happy Meal at McDonalds” and “private jet to the Bahamas.”  But we all know that PUCK got in Quinn’s pants, with nothing more than a few cheap beers, and some mildly kind words . . .

So, yeah, Sam, it’s safe to say that it’s not the POTTERY that’s to blame for your Dating Slump, it’s YOU!  Or maybe it’s not Sam, so much as his TOTAL LACK OF BACKBONE.  When Quinn tells Sam that she got mono, not from kissing Finn, but from giving him mouth-to-mouth when he CHOKED ON A GUMBALL (not the Heimlich, mind you, MOUTH-TO-MOUTH!) . . .

 . . . and Sam pretends to believe it, out of fear of losing his Ho-bag Barbie of a girlfriend, we all can see our blonde friend is just a smidge lacking in the cajones department, if you catch my drift.

That may not have been a GUMBALL, Quinn was carrying in her mouth, in the earlier picture.  Just sayin’.

But our Sam is optimistic!  He believes he can do what it takes to win back Ho-bag Barbie!  He’s ready to make . . . wait for it . . . a COMEBACK.  And that comeback starts with combing his hair into a creepy sidepart, and singing to a bunch of 13-year olds at what was probably LAMEST BAT MITZVAH EVER!

Seeing as Sam’s foray into being a one-man Justin Bieber Cover Band was SO successful with the Training Bra Crowd, he decides to bring his talents to an audience that DOESN’T make him look like a total pedophile when he performs in front of the — namely, Glee club.  So, off Sam heads to the front of the class to perform, Justin Bieber’s “Baby.”  To be honest, I found I couldn’t pay much attention to the song itself, because I found Sam’s (Bieber-esque (?)) dance moves, which were somewhat of a cross between the Robot, a Monkey in Heat, and Every Bad Line Dance You’ve Ever Seen, so oddly mesmerizing . . .

Just . . . cant . . . look . . .away.

Sam’s Scandalously Bad Dancing clearly hypnotizes the Glee Girls too, because the minute he starts performing, they are suddenly fawning all over the guy, and clinging to him, like a bunch of wet rags.  So, of course, Artie, Mike, and Puck want in on The Bieber Experience too.  After all, all three guys have found themselves in a Post V-day slump.  And they are in desperate need of some Bieb Street Cred to get back into their respective ladies’ panties. 

(OK, this is where I cry B.S., MIKE CHANG!  Last week, your girlfriend was so desperately in love with you, that the mere sight of you made her BURST INTO TEARS OF JOY.  NOW, just a few weeks later, you honestly expect me to believe that she has become immune, not just to you, but to YOUR ABS too?)

Did I MISS the episode where Tina went blind?

Unlike the rest of the Glee boys, Finn has no interest in Bieberizing himself (at least, at first).  After all, who needs Bieber Moves, when you’ve got Gassy Infant ones?

So, the rest of the Glee guys perform YET ANOTHER Bieber song for the Glee girls (and Schue).  This time, it’s “Somebody to Love.”  Again, the dance moves are bizarre (and, strangely enough, involve  . . . chalk?  Or maybe that was massive amounts of dandruff, the boys were playing with on stage?  I couldn’t really be sure).  But unlike with Sam’s first performance, this time, it wasn’t the dance moves that kept me from focusing on the music.  It was Puck and his reappearing / disappearing “Bieber Head,” which seemed to switch places with his Mohawk, on and off, throughout the musical number.

Hairy Puck issue aside, the second performance was an especially big hit with Ho-Bag Barbie, Quinn, who IMMEDIATELY decides to dump Finn cold turkey, and go back to her now-Bieberized boyfriend, Sam.  Unfortunately for Quinn, Santana has already dug her claws into that ridiculous mop top head.  Pulling Sam aside, she forces him to admit that he knows about his girlfriend’s affair with Finn.  She also “delicately” offers the Macauley Culkin double her “services”.  “I wants on them Froggy Lips.  And I wants on them NOW,” she coos . . .

Not surprisingly, Sam dumps Ho-Bag Barbie’s ass, ASAP.  And in the character’s final scene, we watch him get “up close and personal” with Santana and “the two rambunctious twins that live on [her] ribcage.”

Personally, I CAN’T WAIT until she gives HIM Mono . . . or whatever Fun Variety Pack of STDs she is currently carrying

Sue-icide is Painless

Sam wasn’t the only Glee cast member in need of a comeback, this week.  After her earth-shattering Cheerios cheerleading championship loss, which resulted in the Glee club getting ALL of the school’s extracurricular club money, Sue is SO depressed, that she actually tries to KILL HERSELF by OD-ing on Gummy vitamins!  When that doesn’t work, she tries BEATING UP GLEE CLUB MEMBERS.  (Can someone tell me how this woman is STILL A TEACHER?)

Emma, being the annoyingly GOOD person that she is, sympathizes with Sue’s plight, and really wants to help.  So, she offers her the MOST AWESOME SELF-HELP PAMPHLET IN THE HISTORY OF SELF-HELP PAMPHLETS!

But when that doesn’t work, she flashes her tits puppy dog eyes at Schue.  And, this somehow convinces him to let Sue join Glee club.

WILL:  If I do this for you, will you divorce Jesse from Full House, and have white-gloved, compulsively-clean, insanely boring sex with me in the Choir room?

EMMA:  DEAL! 

So, of course, Sue uses this opportunity to try and sabatoge the Glee Club, using the oldest trick in the book:  pit the members against one another.  (Zzzzzzzz — Honestly, Sue, I expected something a little more creative from YOU!)  And, so, Sue tells resident divas, and new found besties, Rachel and Mercedes, that each has said that the other has “no talent.”  The result is a “Diva Off” to “Take Me or Leave Me” from the musical Rent. 

It is also, by far, my favorite performance of the episode . . . which is weird for me, seeing as the pieces that come from musicals typically tend to be my least favorite on the show.  (I guess I’m just “uncultured” like that.)

You can check out Rachel and Mercedes, and their fabulous DIVA OFF, right here:

As you may have noticed, Sue’s plan here fails MISERABLY.  And the act of singing, which was initially meant to divide Rachel and Mercedes, actually ends up bringing them EVEN CLOSER . . .

Realizing what Sue tried to do to his Glee Kids, Will punishes her and us with Intense Emotional Manipulation.  Oh yes, boys and girls, we are off to sing “This Little Light of Mine” to sick kids at a hospital, or, as Sue calls it, the House of Sad.  Thanks Glee!  Because, I wasn’t feeling guilty enough about the cracks I made at the prepubescent Bieber’s expense (well, really just The Hair . . . and The Dancing) in this blog.  You had to go and make me feel like an even crappier human being, by making me watch THIS!)

Sue’s journey to the House of Sad inspires her to lead the Glee kids in an “Anthem,” which just so happens to be the theme for the upcoming Reginonals Competition.  She chooses “Sing” from My Chemical Romance.  Now, I know some of your out there were deeply offended that Glee would have the GALL to cover a song by the admittedly fabulous MCR.  But I, for one, was actually pretty happy with this performance.  Then again, maybe that’s just because I like flannel . . . and furry hats.

Speaking of “Interesting” Fashion Choices . . .

Turns out, Lauren Zizes isn’t really all that good of a singer.  But I am a BIG fan of the cheesetastic 80’s inspired outfit she wears, when she performs “I Know What Boys Like,” in front of the crowd, this week . . .

Additionally, I was a HUGE fan of Puck’s suggestion, as to how Lauren could combat her stage fright!  As a result of that suggestion, during Lauren’s admittedly “Meh” musical number, we were treated to the teen’s view of what the Glee crew would look like in their underwear . . .

Aside from the obvious titillation of a shirtless Mike Chang, and SUPRISE, yet another shirtless Sam Evans shot, I’d have to say my FAVORITE underwear choices were a toss up between Finndouche and his Power Ranger Underoos, and Sue’s decidedly uncomfy Catwoman / S&M Mistress of the Darkness getup . . .

Will’s Cutoff Short Shorts (seen toward the left of this screencap) bring up the “rear” (No Pun Intended) for a close third.

In fact, my ONLY complaint, about Lauren’s undie choices, was THIS . . .

There is, most certainly, no way in HELL, that Puck sleeps with a SHIRT ON!  Opportunity for Greatness = Wasted.

Oh, and then THIS happened, which frightened me . . .

All political correctness aside, you have to admit, that is one SCARY screencap!  Also, is that a WEDDING RING on her finger?

In Other Fashion News . . .

“Being Cool” is apparently at the top of Rachel Berry’s “To Do” List, right above THESE ITEMS . . .

AVATAR on Ice Audition, ay?  Now THAT would be a fantastic Glee episode!

So, Rachel pays Britney to dress like HER, so that the unpopular Diva can also become a “trendsetter” by association.  How does one dress like Rachel Berry?   By shopping the Sales Rack of Kids R’ Us, of course!

Rachel’s plan actually WORKS!  And, within days, the entire female student body is rocking the “Sexy Librarian Chic,” look or whatever the heck Rachel calls it . . .

The problem is, however, that no one attributes the TREND to Rachel.  Rather, they ASSUME the style came from Brittany herself.  In fact, they openly mock Rachel for her inability to copy it correctly.  (She wore a reindeer on her sweater, when she should have worn a carousel horse.) 

“When people look at you, they don’t see your clothes.  They see a cat getting its temperature taken . . . and then they hear it screaming,” Brittany helpfully offers, by way of explanation, as to why this anomaly has occurred.

Source

Rachel gets shot down AGAIN this week, when she tries to convince her fellow Gleeks that they should not perform “Sing” at Regionals, because, while flannel and furry hats are cool, they are not cool ENOUGH to beat competitors, like Aural Intensity, the Warblers, and, of course, Vocal Adrenaline.  Rachel thinks the group should instead write their own ORIGINAL music. 

Though he doesn’t have the balls to stick up for Rachel in the Choir room, WHERE IT COUNTS, Finndouche, de-Douchifies himself long enough toward the end of the episode, to tell Rachel and her Minnie Mouse costume, that he believes she has what it takes to write an original song for Regionals, and, ultimately, convince the Glee kids to sing it at the competition. 

“I think you are do for a COMEBACK into my pants,” Finn insists to his Ex, as he walks down the hallway, leaving Rachel to have a Mini-O at the mere notion that this cheating lame-o actually BELIEVES IN HER!

Yeah, I know this picture has nothing to do with what I just wrote.  I just posted it here again, because I think it’s really funny.  Also, Finndouche and I are in a fight . . . So, TAKE THAT, FINNDOUCHE!

All sarcasm aside, Sue announces, during the final moments of the episode, that she will now be acting as Glee coach for New Directions’ competitors, “Aural Intensity”  . . .

(Yeah, because that’s not unrealistic at all!  Sorry . . . sarcasm again!)

As a result, Sue will likely have THEM performing MCR’s “Sing,” considering it was her song choice, after all.  Therefore, I’m thinking that Rachel’s dream to write her own music for the Regional competition is about to come true . . .

And that was “Comeback” in a nutshell.  Did it give YOU the Bieber Fever, or would you prefer that it “GOback” where it came from?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Boozin’, Cruisin’, and Cradle Robbin’ – A Recap of Degrassi’s “When Love Takes Over (Parts 1 & 2)”

FIONA:  “Oooh, Adam.  I LOVE surprises!  You can’t tell, because I’m wearing a mask, but I’m totally winking seductively at you right now.  Where are you taking me?

ADAM:  “Oh . . . well . . . it’s a really cool place.  Lot’s of celebrities have been there:  Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr., Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears . . .

FIONA:  “Wow, it must BE a cool place, if all those famous people went there.  Is it some kind of Hollywood Party?”

ADAM: “Not exactly . . .”

Welcome back, Degrassi fans!  As you probably all know, last night was the mid-season premiere of Degrassi’s “In Too Deep” collection of episodes.  I’ve decided to try my hand at recapping it. 

Well, at least someone is excited about it . . .

So, here’s how it’s going to go.  I’m going to start with Anya’s storyline, cruise into Danny’s, and then, for the BIG FINALE, I’m going to address Fiona and Adam, which, let’s face it, is why you are all really here, anyway. 

So, without further adieu, let’s get recapping.  Shall we?

The Doctor is in (Anya’s Pants).

“Funny . . . this isn’t the way my last doctor tested me for strep throat.”

We kick off the season with Sav looking as DORKY AS POSSIBLE in his toga, and gold crown.  Honestly, I’m not really sure what the get-up has to do with Valentine’s Day (or should I say “Sweet Hearts” week).  But this Degrassi, and this is Sav.  And Sav likes to dress up . . . a lot.   (Remember that geeky cowboy outfit he wore to the Degrassi Hoe-down last season?  I do . . . but I kind of which I didn’t)  So, I’m just going to go with it . . .

“I better be getting paid extra for this.”

Sav’s here so we can all laugh at his outfit to tell everyone that, even though they can’t PDA with their loved one inside the hallowed halls of Degrassi, they CAN buy them cheap half-dead flowers, and take them out to the CHEAPEST DATE EVER, at the Romantic School Cafeteria.  YAY!

Anya’s buying some some flowers from Holly J, who’s probably concerned they will be for Anya’s EX-BEAU, and her current, sort of beau, Cheeseball Sav .  . .

“Buy my man a rose, and I will CUT YOU with its thorns.”

But Holly J. can breathe easy.  Anya just wants to buy flowers for her mom, who’s getting the results of her cancer treatment at the doctor’s office today.  Can anyone guess what those results were?  I’ll give you a hint . . .

OK . . . so Anya’s obviously thrilled.  But why does her mom look vaguely constipated?

Anya’s mom is CANCER FREE!  YAY!  This thrills Anya, put only partially so, as it means that her weekly sort-of dates with her own personal Dr. McDreamy have ended.  Before Anya leaves, she manages to get a peek at the Good Doctor’s date book, which has been conveniently left open on his desk, for her viewing pleasure.  I’ll admit that, when I read the date book at first, I thought it said, “Pizza WITH Leslie – 7 p.m.”  But, it actually said Pizza Leslie – 7 p.m., which by the way is the LAMEST NAME FOR A RESTAURANT, EVER!

The next day at school, Anya tells Holly J. that she’s TOTALLY crushing on Dr. McTooOld, and plans on stalking him that night at Pizza Leslie.  Does Holly J. want to come with?  You bet she DOES!

“Fine, I’ll go stalking with you.  But you’re buying dinner.  I’m poor now, remember?”

Honestly, I’m not sure WHY Anya would assume that Dr. McTooOld would make dinner reservations for JUST HIMSELF (Who does that?).   But, assume she did.  And that night, when she spied Dr. McTooOld alone, by the entrance to the restaurant, she nearly had an “O” right at the dinner table . . .

*sigh*  “Doctor and Mrs McTooOld.  It has a nice ring to it.  Don’t you think?”

But, so far, Dr. McTooOld hasn’t noticed Anya yet.  So, she has this plan for Holly J. to choke on something, so that he can give her the Heimlich, and, in doing so, lock eyes with his Lady Love.  (Way to put your friend’s life in DANGER, so you can get laid, ANYA!)  “I faked a pregnancy for you,” Anya helpfully reminds Holly J., as the latter reluctantly chokes on an olive. 

I think my favorite part of the whole scene, was when Anya called for a doctor, and that Old Guy sitting next to them got up from his chair.  So,  Anya snarled at him to sit down.  “I meant the HOT doctor, dammit!”  (AGAIN!  Way to risk your friend’s life, so that you can pork the Stud with the Stethoscope, ANYA!)  Then this happens . . .

ANYA:  “Get your hands off my friend, Dr. McTooOld.  You are MY MAN!”

DR. MCTOOOLD:  “But Anya, she’s choking!”

ANYA:   “Oh . . . yeah . . . right.  I forgot.”

HOLLY J.:  “Umm . . . there’s something poking my ass.   Do you have a medical tool in your pants, or something?”

So, Holly J. was “saved” by Dr.  McTooOld, who wisely reminds her to be more careful about her olive chewing.  Then some chicky, who’s way more age-appropriate looking for Dr. Too Old than Anya, arrives on the scene.  Dr. McTooOld gives Random Chicky a big old hug, and the two sit down to dinner together.  Oh well!

But Anya is not giving up!  At school, the next day, she calls what I thought was Dr. McTooOld’s cell phone at school to ask him out on a date.  But then loses her nerve, and hangs up.  So, when she gets a call back from “THE HOSPITAL” I was a bit confused.   Since when do First Year Medical Residents have their own line extensions at MAJOR state facilities?

  Maybe, he saw Anya’s number on his cell phone, but called her back on the hospital phone.  Or, maybe, it was just a coincidence.  And he was planning to call her anyway.  Maybe I’m spending way too much time thinking about on a two-second clip for this show .  . .

Anywayyyyyy . . .

Dr.McTooOld wants Anya to go out on a date with him.  And she is THRILLED.  As the site for their first date, she chooses Little Miss Steaks, where Holly J. works.  (And because the name sounds like Little Mistakes .  . . and that’s what this date is . . . a mistake . . . for Dr. McTooOld at least . . . I let out a little giggle here.) 

Because Dr. McTooOld thinks Anya is in college, she tells him she will meet him after her “college seminar . . . at college.”  And it sounded so lame, and was such an obvious lie, that I don’t know how a “smart” doctor like Dr. McTooOld, didn’t put two and two together.  But he didn’t . . .

And so, Anya and Dr. McTooOld went on their little mistake date.  Anya arrives at the restaurant, dressed like a middle-aged woman attending her 40th high school reunion.  The up-do hairstyle, and over large FLOWER necklace, were a bit much for a date at a steak house, where the waitresses dress like cowgirls, don’t you think?  I suspect Anya dressed like this, so she would look older.  But it just sort of made her look like a high schooler attending a 50’s theme dance . . .

At dinner, Anya immediately spills the beans about her LARP-ing obsession.  (Note to the ladies:  This is NOT first date material.  Please save this type of Deep Dark Secret, until AFTER date 3.  K?)  But, guess what?  Dr. McTooOld LOVES that Anya LARPS.  As it turns out, he’s a BIG Dungeons and Dragons fan!  OMG!  It’s a Match Made in Dork-dom! 

(All kidding aside, these two are actually pretty cute together.  And I’m willing to bet, that in real life, their ages are not nearly as far apart, as they are on the show.)

After dinner, Anya wants dessert (Hint, Hint, Wink, Wink).  But Buzzkill Holly J. arrives to tell her she can’t have any.

“Oh . . . that’s right . . . I have CURFEW,” says Anya.  *facepalm*

Now, Anya COULD have said that her SORORITY institutes curfew.  THAT would been a decent excuse for her verbal flub.  But, instead, Holly J. insists that Anya’s curfew is self-imposed, because she is so “conscientious.”  It was a nice try, but it made Anya sound kind of lame.  Not that her LARPing confession didn’t.

So, the date ends early, but it ends well, with a sweet kiss shared by two very attractive, but very nerdy, people . . .

After talking with Holly J., Anya is convinced she should come clean with Dr. McTooOld about her age.  So, she calls him and makes an impromptu office lunch date.  But before she can confess to him, he springs THESE on her . . .

They are tickets to a Renaissance Fair!  *facepalm*  The invitation comes with a fun-filled romantic evening, spent at a bed-in-breakfast nearby.  “I booked two rooms.  So, there’s no pressure,” says Dr. McTooOld quickly.  (Riiight, and you just know that when they arrive at their destination, one of those two rooms will magically disappear . . .)

Anya’s over the moon about the concept of sharing her love for all things Medieval with Dr. McTooOld!  But then, just when she’s ready to leave for her extended date.  This happens . . .

BUSTED!

Anya’s mom is not pleased about the prospect of her daughter getting down, dirty and Medieval, on her overnight with Dr. McTooOld.  And so, she marches her daughter right to the hospital, so that Anya can make her age confession, while her mom watches . . .

AWKWARD!

But, just when all hope seems lost for a long lasting relationship between Anya and Dr. TooOld, she pulls a Hail Mary, by inviting him out to lunch . . .

On their not-so-date, Anya tells Dr. McTooOld that she will be 18 in two months.  And then, they can hook up, without him having to worry about those pesky Statutory Rape charges.  YIPPEE!  Dr. McTooOld agrees to the plan, after all, not many women his age (which is 25, since I realize I haven’t mentioned it before) are big fans of Dungeons and Dragons, and LARPing . . .

“I Wish I Was a Little Bit Taller . . .”

It’s your typical love story, really.  Boy meets Girl.  Boy likes Girl.   Boy asks Girl out on a date.  Boy finds out Girl is WAY taller than boy, which makes boy feel inadequate and effeminate.  Girl overhears Boy calling Girl a Giraffe to his friends.  Girl dumps Boy.  Boy gets Girl back, using his limited social skills and shoddy basketball-playing abilities.

Was it a cliched C-plotline?  TOTALLY.  And yet, here’s what I liked about it . . .

Dave’s been such an unlikeable tool of late, that it was nice to finally be able to root for him again.  The way he managed to segway from snarking with a girl about the pair’s shared supposed hate for Valentine’s Day Sweet Hearts week, to scoring a date, should be written up in some Girl-Macking Handbook, or something.  (By the way, what was with the couple making out in front of his locker?  Don’t they know PDA’s aren’t allowed at Degrassi?  What would SAV SAY if he found out? :))

Sadie.  I like her.   Usually, it takes me a while to warm up to new Degrassi characters, because they don’t always initially mesh well with the rest of the cast, and their acting inexperience shows.  But the actress who plays Sadie, actually seems pretty talented right off the bat.   And the character is cute, smart, and spunky.  Plus, her chemistry with Dave seemed natural, and not too forced.

Ahh, the Three Tenners.  Sometimes Connor and Wesley bug me a bit.   But they were ON FIRE this week with their Short Jokes!  And yet, even funnier for me, was how, after Dave and Sadie “broke up,” Wesley switched sides, and tried to list the many benefits of dating a tall girl.  “She looks older.  And can help you reach things in high places.” 

Oh, Wesley . . .

As for Dave’s and Sadie’s newfound relationship, methinks it’s about to verge into the Dreaded Love Triangle territory very soon because we haven’t seen THAT on Degrassi in about two episodes.  How about you?

And now . . . the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .

They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab, But I Said, NO, NO, NO (and then Yes)

Remember a few seasons back when Declan was the school’s resident Drama Maven / Play Producer?  Well, it seems as though Eli has taken the reigns from him.  When we first see Adam, he is talking to Eli, about the upcoming school play, which Eli is producing, and in which Adam is playing the romantic lead.  Apparently, at some point, the female lead “Marisol” (whoever THAT is) backed out of the play, because she didn’t want to make out with a transgender person like Adam.

Other girls have read for the role.  But none are as good as “Marisol,” at least in Adam’s estimation.  Adam offers to resign from the play, to make things easier on Eli.  But Eli refuses the offer, because he is AWESOME. 

Eli then suggests that Adam ask FIONA to take the role.  (By the way, am I wrong in thinking that it was established that Fiona was a CRAP actress, back when Declan was directing things a few seasons back?  In fact, didn’t someone FORCE him to fire her from the play, and relegate her to Costume Design instead?  Am I completely making this up?)

The problem, of course, is that Adam is still REALLY PISSED at Fiona for bailing on the party he MADE JUST FOR HER, during the mid-season finale.  So, when Fiona first tries to talk to him at school, he’s kind of cold to her . . .

Fiona apologizes to Adam for skipping the party, by making some lame excuse about her Great Aunt dying.  And Adam doesn’t believe a word of it.  But he loves Fiona so much and wants to get into her pants so baldy, that he lets it slide.  So, Adam asks Fiona if she’d be willing to star in a play where she has to kiss him.  And when she AGREES, he makes this face . . .

“Awwwwww yeahhh, I’m the Pimp Daddy!”

We are then treated to a little clip of Fiona “auditioning” (Casting Couch Much?), and I’m surprised by how NOT SUCKY she is, especially considering what she was like the last time we saw her audition for a play . . .

“Why is ‘She takes her top off’ added in pencil here?  I don’t remember that from the original script.”

I’ll admit, I was cracking up laughing, when Eli starting baiting Adam, as he drooled over Fiona’s audition.  “You liiiiiike her.  You luuuuuuuve her,” crooned Eli, adorably. 

(By the way, if anyone out there has ever seen the movie Miss Congeniality, I’m pretty sure that this scene is a sendup to the classic one from that movie, where Sandra Bullock’s character has just been made over, and she starts singing to her prospective love match, “You really liiiiiike me.  You think I’m sexxxxxy.  You want to daaaaate me.”  Just sayin’.)

Oh, and as for those Degrassi Drama shirts Eli and Clare are wearing in this scene:  I WANT ONE!

No one should be surprised to hear that Fiona got the part, or that Adam “generously” offered to come over to her condo that night to help her get naked “rehearse.”

When Adam arrives at Fiona’s house, she acting flighty, and (SURPRISE, SURPRISE!) drinking like a fish . . .

Adam, of course, wants to practice the kissing scene first.  However, before Adam can tongue Fiona, he has a confession to make (insert dramatic music here).  He’s transgender. 

“Well . . . duh!”

Fiona claims that she immediately knew Adam was transgender, because she grew up IN NEW YORK, where EVERYONE IS TRANSGENDER.  (Yes, I’m from around there . . . and yes, I’m being sarcastic here.  I just find it funny how the media likes to portray New York City, as way more exotic than it actually is.)  Adam is pleasantly surprised that Fiona STILL wants to kiss him, even though she knows his backstory.  “”I’d rather kiss you than any other guy at this school BECAUSE I AM CLEARLY A LESBIAN,” says Fiona.

And then she spills champagne all over Adam’s crotch . . .

“Awwww yeah!  She wants me to take off my pants.  I’m a TOTAL PIMP!”

Fiona then rushes to get Adam some of Declan’s clothes, which were conveniently lying around the apartment for this exact circumstance.

YAY!  A Declan reference!

Fiona and Adam then share a sweet moment, while Fiona is fixing Adam’s tie.  (Ummmm . . . if they are just hanging out around the house “rehearsing,” WHY is he wearing Declan’s TIE?)  Adam wants to play Truth or Dare with Fiona.  She choose “truth.”  He wants to know why she ditched his party.  “You look at me, like I’m this perfect princess,” she admits.  “I’m scared that once you realize that I am not, you will get sick of me.”

Now it’s Adam’s turn.  He chooses “dare.”  Then THIS happens . . .

So, Adam is understandably crushed, when, the next day, Fiona tells him that their hook-up was just a “One Time Thing.”  Needing some manly advice, Adam regales Eli with the gory details of his Hot Night with Fiona.  He wonders whether Fiona only made out with him, because she was drunk, as Clare had more or less suggested, when he told HER.

  Eli thinks the opposite is true, “In vino veritas,” Eli explains, looking Super Sexy and Not-at-all-Effeminate in his Man Scarf.

I used this picture before, but it bears repeating . . .

Adam doesn’t know what the heck his friend is talking about.  So, Eli elaborates.  “When people are wasted, they do things they REALLY want to do, but wouldn’t have the guts to do, if they were sober,” Eli explains, more or less.  (I ad-libbed a bit here.)

That night, Adam arrives at Fiona’s place to return Declan’s clothes . . .

Declan Reference #2

He also tells Fiona that he is going to resign from the play, because he can’t bear porking Fiona’s character on stage, if he can’t pork her in real life too.  But wonder of wonders!  Fiona DOES WANT TO PORK ADAM!  Yippee!

Fiona invites Adam for dinner, and proceeds to chug down a glass of champage, like it’s going out of style . . .

“Thirsty?” Adam asks, with a bit of concern.

Fiona carelessly explains that in France EVERYONE drinks before a meal.  Remembering Eli’s whole “in vino veritas” speech, Adam suggests that Fiona DRINK MORE!  And his evil plan works!  Because THIS happens . . .

WOWSA!

Things seem to be going great for Adam, until Cock Block Holly J. comes along, and messes everything up, by point out how TOTALLY WASTED Fiona is!  Fiona insists she’s not drunk, however, and blows Holly J. off.  So, Holly J. reluctantly leaves with some concerned advice to Adam on how to take care of Fiona if she “goes off the rails,” and her personal cell phone number, if he needs her.

Adam shows up late for rehearsal the next day, and again, “kisses and tells” Eli and Clare about his Hot Night with Fiona, The Sequel.  But Clare’s concerned that EVERY Hot Night with Fiona seems to involve LOTS OF ALCOHOL.  So, she invites Adam and Fiona to double date with her and Eli at the Romantic School Cafeteria . . .

But when lunch rolls around, Fiona arrives to the double date late, and (SURPRISE) wasted!  (How do none of Fiona’s teachers realize that she’s drunk all the time?)

I had to laugh, when a slurring Fiona plopped down at the table and proceeded to HIT ON CLARE. “You have really beautiful eyes.  That top you’re wearing just doesn’t do them justice . . . Call me!”

ELI:  “You will NOT call her!  I saw the promos for the upcoming episode, and know all about Fiona and her . . . preferences.  I’m the only one allowed to tell you that you have nice eyes.”

CLARE: “I saw the promos too.  And you’re lucky I’m even talking to you right now, considering what they say about YOU!”

Afraid that a teacher will catch on to how drunk Fiona is (like I said . . . how have they NOT yet?), Adam pulls Fiona outside.  “Drinking makes it easier . . . being with you,” Fiona drunkenly explains to Adam, while the two are huddled together on a bench in the school hallway

“You are drinking because of ME?”  Adam asks.

“See?  You DO understand,” Fiona coos.

“No, I don’t,” scowls Adam, as he storms off.

The next day at play rehearsal, Fiona is late AGAIN, and Adam is heartbroken.  “I want what YOU two have,” he whines to a PDA-ing Eli and Clare.  (DOES NO ONE LISTEN TO SAV?  NO PDA!)

Then Fiona comes and conveniently tells Adam that she’s in LOVE with him (Where the hell did that come from?)  So, he forgives her for the 80th time this hour. 

Later on in the day, Holly J. tells Adam that Fiona is an alcoholic, and her family wants to ship her off to rehab ASAP.  They will be holding an intervention for her after school, and think Adam should come.  But Adam doesn’t want to lose Fiona, so he tells her that they’ve got to GO AWAY together NOW.  (Way to be an ENABLER, Adam!)

Adam and Fiona rush home after school to pack their bags.  But Fiona doesn’t get very far with hers . . .

Did I mention that RALPHED all over herself and the carpet!  (Ewwww!)  Realizing that he can’t deny Fiona’s drinking problem any longer, Adam sneaks off to call Holly J.  He has agreed to take Fiona to the intervention.   (Hopefully, he cleans her up first!)

“Hi.  I was wondering if you could tell me how you get vomit stains out of cashmere?”

After telling Fiona that he is taking her on an Exotic Vacation Getaway, Adam blindfolds Fiona, and drives her to the Intervention.  He doesn’t even let her change out of her pukey clothes, first!  Now, that’s just rude!

FIONA:  “Something smells funny.  What is that?”

ADAM:  “It’s YOU!”

To be honest, I was kind of excited for the intervention.  Because I thought, for sure, that Declan would be there.

DECLAN!

After all, his MOM came in for New York for the event, so why the heck didn’t HE?  Actually, Fiona’s Intervention was the lamest one EVER.  In fact, the only people in attendance, aside from Fiona herself, and Adam, were Holly J., Fiona’s mom, and Fiona’s . . .  maid?

“Where is my brother?  And why don’t I have any friends at my intervention?  And why is there vomit in my hair?”

Fiona is understandably pissed at Adam for betraying her.  So, she kicks him out of the “party.”  He’s understandably crushed.  And my heart goes out to the guy . . . really.

The next day, Adam is back to third-wheeling it with Eli and Clare, when Holly J. stops by to assure Adam he did the right thing.

Check out how Clare is in the background, pretending not to be listening in on Holly J.’s and Adam’s conversation,  even though she TOTAL is!

Holly J. informs Adam that Fiona has been shipped off to rehab.  Adam worries that the love of his life will never forgive him.  But Holly J. doesn’t seem particularly concerned.  To prove it, Holly J. TOTALLY violates every friend code in the BOOK, by giving Adam a page from Fiona’s JOURNAL . . .

The “journal” entry is a love letter Fiona wrote to an unnamed person, who “just left [her house]” and who she “can’t stop thinking about.”  “There are a million reasons why we shouldn’t work.  But, despite all that, I really, really hope that we will,” the letter concludes.

Adam, of course, is thrilled, because he assumes that the letter is about him.  However, those of us who saw the promos for upcoming episodes, are hesitant to rejoice with him.  After all, isn’t it possible, given what we know, that the letter is about Holly J.?

Watch this promo, and you’ll see what I mean . . .

And that was “When Loves Takes Over (Parts 1 and 2)” in a nutshell.  Now, that I’ve said my part, what did YOU think of the episode?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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