Hey there, my Pretties! It’s that time again. Our favorite little liars are back for another season of being tortured by “A” . . .
. . . romanced by sexy shirtless men . . .
. . . and making questionable fashion choices (sometimes) . . .
So dig that creepy baby-face mask out of moth balls, keep your cell phone away from coffins, and for Heaven sake, hide your little piggies . . .
. . . because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .
A Dead Body Bacon in the Trunk!
“So, I’m guessing that Rosewood doesn’t have a car wash?”
Last season, on Pretty Little Liars, Deputy Douchey’s car magically emerged from a lake, and drove itself out to meet our fabulous foursome (plus Mona). It turns out, Douche Car was on a mission. It wanted to show the Liars incriminating footage of Mama Marin hitting Deputy Douchey with her car, and driving off into the sunset. Now, admittedly, getting hit by a car sucks. But it could have been worse, Deputy Douchey! You could have been hit by a car ON YOUR WEDDING DAY . . .
Also, Deputy Douchey didn’t even DIE
yet, when he was hit by that car. He just brushed himself off and walked away. He even got the opportunity to shower, after it was all over . . .
. . . which is more than we can say for his car . . .
Because, as we find out, in the opening minutes of the episode, being dirty, and playing a bad home movie on its OnStar screen are the LEAST of Douche Car’s problems. THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE TRUNK!
WHAT COULD IT BE? It must be something pretty horrible, considering the writers made us wait MONTHS to find out . . .
I mean, when you think about it, anything could be in that trunk . . . Ali’s corpse, Jason’s corpse, Toby’s corpse, A SPARE TIRE . . .
But what actually ended up being in the trunk was worse than ALL OF THOSE THINGS COMBINED. It was . . . BREAKFAST . . .
“OH THE HUMANITY!”
Silently agreeing to all become vegans, the little liars hightail it from the “crime scene,” before they can be spotted by the cops. Mona, however, decides to stick around, because a good song is playing on the car radio. And everyone knows it’s bad luck to leave a car when a good song is playing . . .
Mona Vanderwaal’s theme song
Actually, she’s just dismantling the incriminating OnStar video monitor, like the sociopath / criminal mastermind she is . . .
Good going, girl! An extra special helping of bacon for you!
You know how a lot of company websites have a Frequently Asked Question page, so that the customer service line isn’t inundated with the same inane questions, over and over again, like “What’s the mailing address?” or “What are your hours?” or “Why does the hair color on my head look nothing like the picture of the girl on the dye box?”
Well, that’s kind of what the next scene was like for me. Having Mona answer six or seven of the series’ most frustrating questions all at once, was both a really lazy thing to do, from a writers’ perspective, and an oddly satisfying experience for the fans. So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you, Mona PLL F.A.Q. . . .
(Does this mean Cece is Red Coat? She certainly seems to be A Red Coat. I’m just not certain yet that she’s THE red coat.)
Should the writers have revealed the answers to these “Burning Mysteries,” through actual plot exposition, as opposed to mere script exposition? Sure. But if they did that, they’d have so much less time to focus on things like Dead Pigs in car trunks and the never ending Love Saga of Ezria . . .
Sarcasm aside, I think the writers simply recognized the fact that they didn’t have time to include the answers to these questions in their actual plotline. And, if that’s the case, I’m glad they revealed them, this way, rather than keeping them as intensely frustrating eternally unsolved mysteries, like some OTHER shows I know . . .
“I’m looking at you, Hurley Bird, and Walt’s rapid aging /random magical powers!“
One of the things I love most about PLL is how refreshingly self-aware it is of it’s own occasional ridiculousness. Take for example, this next scene, where all the little liars awaken to find Mona gone. Of course, they immediately assume that they all fell asleep because Mona drugged them . . . and not simply because they were tired from a long night of playing Fondle the Dirty Cop Car . . .
And why wouldn’t they think that? Especially, when Emily, Hanna, and Aria have each been drugged by their enemies, at least once on the show.
Poor Mona! She just went out to get all her friends their morning cups of coffee, exactly how they like them . . .
and possibly murder Deputy Douchey.
Mona is kind of a kick ass car thief! They should really consider hiring her for the next installment of Fast and Furious . . .
Trailer Park of the Dolls
You know, we all make jokes about how all the liars (with the exception of Emily) have such awful parents. But what about Mona?
I mean, think about it. Here’s a girl who spend about half a year in the nuthouse. And when she gets out, her parents don’t seem to notice, mind or care, that she took all that creepy crap she used to store in a random skeevy motel room, and moved it to her OWN PERSONAL TRAILER! Last I checked, you had to be 25 just to rent a car. Can you really buy a house on wheels at 17?
In hopes of proving her worthiness, Mona generously allows each of the girls to read the personal stalker files she’s amassed on each of them, during the course of three seasons. Then, she glibly admits to Hanna that she successfully impersonated Caleb
despite being about 5 inches shorter than him at last year’s Halloween party, just so that she have an excuse to suck face with her former bestie, who she once tried to run over with her car . . .
But Mona wasn’t the only cross dresser on the Halloween Train of Terrors. Check THIS out?
It’s pretty hard to be afraid of someone who looks so ridiculous. Then again, this was the guy who drugged Aria, put her in the coffin with a dead body, and then literally almost THREW HER FROM A MOVING TRAIN . . .
Mona’s carefully captured video footage suggests that there was another member of the A Team responsible for Aria’s future therapy bill. She claims it was Spencer’s B*tch Sister Melissa . . .
But this pretty awesome “Kiss Virus,” smears fake lipstick kisses across Mona’s desktop, and deletes all her files, before Mona can confirm that she’s telling the truth. My theory? Mona clearly has a backup for this footage. I’m thinking she likely planned the “virus,” because she’s covering for someone much more surprising than Melissa . . . someone who we HAVEN’T actually assumed was bad news from Day One. Someone like . . .
I’m kidding. I know the writers would never do this. But you have to admit, it would be a pretty shocking reveal . . .
Attack of the Kiddie Clones
Outside the trailer, the girls hear the sounds of their names being called, and head out to investigate. Here’s what they find . . .
My goodness! Does A work in a toy factory? It’s the only possible explanation as to why every single week she or he seems to come up with another set of dolls that look exactly like the liars. (I hope ABC Family is selling some of these to fans. They’d make a mint.)
Well . . . honestly, these are pretty ugly. I wouldn’t buy these!
So, the kids tell the liars that some girl named “Alison” gave them the dolls, and blah, blah, blah. We’ve heard this one before. What’s more disturbing is the fact that the kids themselves actually look like the liars. What is this Orphan Black? Is the A Team involved in human cloning too?
I said the little girls look like younger versions of the liars. What I didn’t mention was that there was one MAJOR exception to this rule. Aria’s “clone” looked like someone else entirely . . .
I swear this show just gets more disturbing by the minute . . .
Ding Dong Deputy Douchey’s Dead . . .
On the way home from the Trailer Park of Terror, the girls encounter a familiar face . . .
Either Deputy Douchey is DOA, or he just picked a really bad location for a nap. Suddenly, the girls realize the significance of the pig in the car. Get it . . . pigs . . . cops?
It looks like the little liars are about to be framed for yet another murder.
Now, more than ever, they need Mona to give up that incriminating video footage. But can they trust her to turn it over?
Fitzy Goes to Jail . . . Just KIDDING!
After a few weeks of successfully avoiding Fitzy, post breakup, Aria has an uncomfortable encounter with him at the coffee shop. The fact that she’s wearing an outfit that directly resembles Sheldon Cooper’s Doppler Effect Halloween Costume certainly doesn’t help matters . . .
Then Fitzy reveals to Aria that he’s once again taking a job teaching at Rosewood High, and mixing stripes with solids quickly becomes the least of Aria’s problems. “I have a family now,” Fitzy reminds Aria, careful to use the word “family” and not just “kid,” to imply that the awful “Maggie,” is also a part of this picture.
“Why do you insist on continuing a relationship with Alex Mack. She is LITERALLY a pile of goo!”
But to Aria’s credit, she keeps her cool, even icily referring to the guy she used to bone as “Mr. Fitz,” before exiting stage left. You go, girl!
Back at school, Aria’s paranoia kicks into overdrive, when she becomes positive that the school principal is watching her moon over Fitz. Her suspicions seem to be confirmed, when the principal calls her into his office, and confronts her with some TRULY PORNY pictures of Ezria going to pound town on one another . . .
You know what comes next, don’t you?
Aria is crushed. She rushes out of the principals office, to a chorus of sad trombones and tiny violins . . .
Then Aria “awakens” to find herself still outside the principal’s office. It was all daydream, silly!
Fitzy isn’t really going to jail!
And while part of me is relieved for Aria, the other part of me kind of wishes they actually did arrest Fitzy, if only so that he could start wearing doo rags in prison, like Toby, and, possibly even get the words “Thug Life” tattooed on his butt.
Speaking of the Tobster . . .
The Many Faces of Toby Cavanaugh
Sometimes I think Abs Toby has multiple personality disorder . . .
Sometimes he’s REALLY creepy . . .
Other times he seems genuinely sweet . . .
He can occasionally be a thug . . .
And this week, he was about eight other things, I hadn’t actually seen before.
It all started on an ordinary morning, during which Toby generously cooked his on-again girlfriend Spencer a breakfast, which hopefully didn’t include bacon . . .
No doubt, it was a sweet gesture. But there was something about the way he kept reminding Spencer to thank him for the food, and shutting her down, whenever she tried to talk about Deputy Douchey’s death that didn’t sit right with me. Perhaps, a part of me feels that Toby’s earlier betrayal was whitewashed over a bit too quickly. And I’m clearly having a harder time trusting him again than Spencer.
That said, I genuinely felt bad for him, when “A” left him that threatening text about the mystery surrounding his mother’s “disappearance.” I even understand why he kept that information from Spencer. Though, I’m sure that decision will eventually come and bite him in the ass, during the weeks to come . . .
He’s a little shady. But he’s still a really sexy crier (with great abs).
Later in the day, Toby takes Spencer to that burned down building in search of the elusive red coat. And it’s pretty much the Worst Date Ever . . .
Of course, Super Sleuth Spencer doesn’t seem to mind too much . . .
Through a flashback, we learn that Toby’s mother was either massively depressed, or had a serious drug problem. And Ali was a seductively manipulative b*tch. Of course, we already knew that last part . . .
Something struck me as odd about this flashback. I understand that Toby was supposed to come off as young and naive. And Ali was supposed to come off as an evil date rapist, who recycles her pickup lines . . . despite the fact that both characters were realistically only about 13 or 14 when this event took place . . .
It’s just that the way the lines were read, Toby somehow seemed less young and naive, and more . . . Lenny from Of Mice and Men, if you catch my drift . . .
In happier couples news . . .
You’ve Come a Long Way, Little Orphan B*tchy . . .
Remember when Paige looked like this?
And did this?
Well that’s sure in the past. Because now Paige is asking Emily to go to Stanford with her. And the pair are exchanging “I love yous.”
But more importantly, her hair and wardrobe are awesome!
The little liars have been a very good influence on you, girl! It’s too bad that by admitting your love for Emily, you’ve pretty much just signed your death warrant. Emily Fields is basically the Jeremy Gilbert of PLL . . .
Best Friends and Bad Hair Days
You can tell that Hanna is having a difficult time processing Deputy Douchey’s death, because she’s got her wig on crooked. And she’s wearing her headband so low on her forehead that you would think she was auditioning for a workout video for the 1980s . . .
Speaking of the 80’s, bedazzle much?
It’s abundantly clear that these two girls need to go shopping. Though, given their current wardrobe choices, I’m not quite sure it’s such a good idea for them to be shopping together . . .
All sarcasm aside, I thought the moments Mona and Hanna shared together this week were actually really sweet. And a big part of me genuinely wants to believe Mona, when she tells Hanna that she truly loves her and misses her, despite knowing that Hanna is only hanging out with her now to protect herself and the rest of the liars.
Mona even gives Hanna the incriminating disk we saw in the beginning of the episode, as a gesture of good faith. After all the terrible things Mona has done to the girls, and Hanna in particular, she’s still a long way from gaining my trust. But this was definitely a start . . .
In other news, Mama Dilaurentis is back in town. And despite her daughter’s having supposedly been dead for two years, still can’t quite bring herself to get rid of all her sh*t. So, the “twin” theory rears its ugly head yet again . . .
And finally . . .
A Nice Day for a Black Funeral
Everyone in Rosewood knows that the monthly funerals are the most important events on the town’s social calendar. This is why the little liars always attend them, dressed like they are going to bachelorrette party in Vegas. It’s also why they insist on sitting in the front row, despite the fact that not only are they typically of no familial relation to the deceased, they also tend to be the number one suspects in that person’s murder . . .
The social importance is Rosewood funerals may also explain why Jenna insists on showing up to them fashionably late, on the arm of a new heretofore unknown gentleman, each month . . .
But if trying to make a fashion statement at the funeral was the little liars (and Jenna’s) ultimate goal, then all of them failed. Because if anyone was going to get gawked at during Wilden’s funeral, it was most definitely going to be THIS CHICK . . .
She’s wearing a mask AND a veil? How does she not bump into walls?
Before the big day, Spencer gets a tip, thanks to “A,” that there may be something special waiting for her in Deputy Douchey’s coffin . . .
Spencer is excited, because she hasn’t fondled a corpse since, well . . . the last time she fondled a corpse. Mona, who received the same cryptic message, is also up for the challenge . . .
“I hope the clue is not in his pants.”
The girls extract a phone from Douchey’s coffin, and dial the number attached to the contact “Kisses.” So, you can imagine their surprise when the phone call goes directly to HANNA’S PHONE!
Don’t worry, Caleb . . . it’s actually Hanna’s MOTHER, who Dead Wilden was dialing. But still . . . gross . . .
After the funeral, New Deputy Less Douchey confronts the girls, and does that TV cop thing, where he seems to be both flirting with them, and accusing them of murder at the same time . . .
I don’t care if he ends up being an A$$hole, who, like everyone else in this show, is somehow, involved in Ali’s murder and/or has it in for the liars. He’s HOT! There, I said it. . .
In the final moments of the episodes, the girls get yet another cryptic text from A, informing them that the truth is going to BURY them . . .
Get it? Bury! Ahhh . . . you got a love a good funeral pun.
See ya next time, my Pretties!