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Dr. Bloodsucking Psychopath and Mr. Congeniality – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries “Miss Mystic Falls”

It’s official.  The Vampire Diaries has become my FAVORITE show of this season!  VD continues to amaze and shock me each week, with its sharp writing, solid acting, and unpredictable plot twists (the latter being kind of a big deal for me, because I tend to predict EVERYTHING!)  Not to mention, the writers of The Vampire Diaries continue to dream up new and inventive ways to show off Paul Wesley’s insanely hot arms and Ian Somerhalder’s insanely hot face!

All right, enough of this gushy stuff!  After all, “Miss Mystic Falls” was probably the LEAST warm and fuzzy episode of the entire season!  When promos for the episode suggested the exposure of Stefan’s dark side, they weren’t kidding!  The heretofore “kindler, gentler” Salvatore wasn’t just dark this week, he was downright terrifying!

Kudos to Paul Wesley for genuinely scaring the stuffing out of me tonight.  This guy made Norman Bates look like Mister Rodgers  . . .

So, without further adieu, what do you say, we stop gabbing and BITE into this awesome episode?

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends . . .

The opening moments of “Miss Mystic Falls” were filled with awkward exchanges and a generalized sentiment of mistrust.  First there was Vampire Anna . . .

 . . . who visited Damon on the pretense of apologizing for the whole “Stefan getting chained up and tortured, two weeks ago” thing.  But really, the whole purpose of the exchange, I THINK, was to let us viewers know that the writers have decided to scrap the whole Hidey Hole Vampires storyline.  (Good Call, VD!)  Anna explains that MOST of the aforementioned vamps skipped down last week, and therefore, could not have been responsible for the recent “blood bank” robbery that is now rocking Mystic Falls.  Damon sees Anna’s speech as the plot device it clearly is, and refuses to accept her apology. YOU GO, BOY!

Dear BFF Elena,

The good news is, I’m back.  The bad news is, I’ve decided to hate your guts . . .

Hugs and kisses!

Bonnie

Back at school, Bonnie, who has been largely MIA of late, runs into Elena in the parking lot.  These two haven’t seen one another since that time when Elena got Bonnie and her Granny to do that spell to seal up the Hidey Hole Vampire Tomb, the performance of which actually ended up killing Poor Granny.  Oh yeah, and it didn’t even work!  The vampires ended up escaping the tomb, anyway.  Insensitive Elena apparently decided to inform Bonnie of this fact, just days after she had to bury her own grandmother!

“What?  Who WOULDN’T want to know that their favorite relative had to die to further along a failed plotline?”

Given all that, I can’t really blame Bonnie for being icy to Elena, or for hating on the Salvatore brothers for the role they played in Granny’s demise.  I CAN, however, blame her for those weird bangs she was rocking during this episode.  Not cute!  Fortunately, for the girls, Caroline . . .

 . . . interrupts this love fest, to inform Elena that both she and Caroline are part of the Mystic Falls Founder’s Day Court, and are to compete in the “Miss Mystic Falls” pageant this year.  Elena had completely forgotten about the event, having only signed up for it to please her now-dead adoptive Mommy.

Meanwhile, Creepy Uncle John . . .

 . . . blackmails Damon.  Telling him that he will expose the Salvatore brothers as vampires UNLESS Damon agrees to help Creepy Uncle John find some weird ” invention” that a vampire stole from his ancestor, back during Civil War times.  Who stole the “invention,” you ask?  Vampire Pearl, of course!

As if poor Damon wasn’t having a crappy enough day, he returns home to find Stefan (despite his claims of being clean) leaning ravenously over an entire freezer, filled with blood stolen from the local blood bank!  Not cool!  Stefan, of course, promises Damon that he has everything “under control.”  However, when Elena calls to ask him to act as her escort for the pageant, he blatantly lies to her about his “drinking” — a very un-Stefan like thing to do.  Later, at school, Stefan comes very close to eating a teen with a bloody knee, and even attacks Alaric . . .

 . . . when the latter accidentally gets in his way.

The Thrill of Almost Touching, The Agony of Almost Eating . . .

Moments before the Mystic Falls pageant is set to begin, Damon, who has become convinced that Stefan’s new addiction will put them all at risk, informs Elena that Stefan is still consuming human blood.  When Stefan arrives on the scene, Elena confronts him about his lies.  Stefan responds by getting all pissy and wall-punchy . . . He then runs away, like a little bitch, leaving Elena to fend for herself during the pageant ceremonies . . .

“So, I’ve been behaving like a TOTAL ASS throughout this entire episode.  So, what?   I still look super sexy with my shirt off.  And NO ONE can take that away from me!”

When it comes time for Elena to be escorted at the pageant, Damon jumps in at the last minute to be her Knight and Shining Vampire.  And even though we all knew that this was going to happen, from watching the previews, I’m quite certain that the entire female VD watching population SQUEALED with joy when he appeared at the end of that staircase. 

Stefan’s bad behavior these past few episodes, has only further illustrated how much of a better match Damon is for Elena.  Need more proof?  Just check out the sultry and longing looks these two give one another during the “first dance” A.K.A “the prey circling, animal mating ritual.”  When Elena performs this “ritual” with Stefan during rehearsals, it seems stiff and awkward.  With Damon, it is PURE SEX!

“What?  Did you think I WASN’T going to find some excuse to include this picture in my recap AGAIN?  You clearly don’t know me at all . . .”

Despite all this sexiness, Elena actually DIDN’T become Miss Mystic Falls.  Caroline did .  . .

 . . . which was nice, because she CLEARLY wanted it so much more than Elena did.  However, it makes me worried for her, because Elena usually beats her at everything

Have you ever had someone who was always really nasty to you, and then, all the sudden, they started acting really nice?  So, you figured you must be DYING of some disease you didn’t know about, because that would be the ONLY way to rationally explain this person’s sudden change in behavior?   This is kind of how I think Caroline should feel about the world . . .  Seeing as VD is set to have two additional major deaths prior to the conclusion of Season 1, if I were Caroline, I would be getting myself on that All-Vervain diet, STAT!

Back in Whiny Bitch Land, Hungry Stefan is still brooding over his recent fight with Elena, when he encounters, pageant contestant, Amber, innocently catching some air.  Stefan forcefully drags Amber into the woods with him.  He then compels her to stand still and act blissfully calm, as he describes, emotionlessly, and in graphic detail, his overwhelming desire to rip her neck open and devour her whole .  . . 

Awww!  How Sweet!

 . . . and I’m thinking, “This is Stefan!  He’s not ACTUALLY going to bite her.” 

Stefan then compels Amber to run, and she does.  And I think, “Phew!”

But then . . . Stefan does his fast Running Man Vampire thing, and HE BITES HER!  Not just a little, either.  Stefan bites Amber right on her carotid artery.  You know . . . that part of your neck, which, if it bleeds, makes you . . . like . . . DIE . . . and stuff.  Fortunately, it’s DAMON TO THE RESCUE!

UNFORTUNATELY, Stefan throws Damon INTO A TREE and KNOCKS HIM OUT!  But then Bonnie appears, out of no where, and does that creepy, possessed, eyes-rolled-back in her head thing, she likes to do, every once in a while, on this show.  Suddenly, Stefan gets this really bad headache (from looking at Bonnie’s bad bangs?).  So, he lets go of Amber, in search of some Vampire-Sized Advil . . .

Later that evening, Stefan and Elena fight over his addiction, and Stefan THROWS ELENA AGAINST A WALL!  Elena hugs Stefan, telling him that everything is going to be all right. And, just when I’m thinking I’ve walked in on a “Bad After-School Special About an Abusive Relationships” . . .

 . . .Elena STABS STEFAN IN THE BACK!!!!! 

Then Damon magically appears. 

He helps Elena carry an unconscious, and, slightly evil, Stefan (who, I hate to say it, STILL looks kind of sexy, wearing that now, appropriately-titled, “wife beater”) . . .

 . . . into a sort of “holding pen,” where they will undoubtedly attempt to force him into Human Blood Withdrawal.  (Poor Stefan!  Always tied up or incarcerated, it seems . . . both in the books and on TV).  Damon offers to take Elena home, but she refuses.  In the final moments of the episode, the pair sit together in silence, forced to endure the suffering of the man they both love . . .

In Other News . . .

1) Jeremy reconnected with Anna (and, like Bonnie, got a kind of sucky-looking 90’s era haircut . . )

2) Pearl and Damon teamed up against Creepy Uncle John (hereinafter “CUJ”).  To cement their bond, Pearl handed over to Damon the “invention”  CUJ was looking for.  Surprise, surprise!   It appears to be YET ANOTHER magical piece of jewelry . . . The only difference here, is that no one has any clue what this one is actually supposed to DO!

That’s all for now, VDers!  Tune in next week, when Elena and Damon become overwhelmed with passion for one another and start making out hardcore on the staircase of the Salvatore home. 

OK, OK, I’m lying . . . for NOW . . . but IT’S COMING.  I CAN FEEL IT!

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