In a season that’s been all about snow monsters, people who shoot ice out of their fingers, and women who accidentally/on purpose get turned into popsicles, “The Snow Queen” was a nice, refreshing, change of pace. Why, you ask? Because this was an hour of television that brought the heat, in more ways than one . . .
Now, unless you own an ice cream shop or a ski lodge, or just find the refrigerator in your home to be a huge waste of space, the ability to shoot icicles from your finger is pretty much one of the least useful super powers ever.
(Almost as unhelpful in life as “being able to tell when people are lying <del datetime=”2014-11-10T03:14:15+00:00″>except for when its plot convenient for you not to be able to tell.</del>”)
ELENA: “Psst . . . Bonnie . . . so I have this plan that’s going to make Delena fans and Bamon fans totally want to kill one another. It’s going to be SO COOL! Are you interested?”
BONNIE: “That depends . . . does it involve me having blood gushing out of my nose, and making constipated facial expressions, while I shoot bolts of light out of my fingertips? Because I really hate that . . .”
ELENA: “Umm . . . welllllll . . . yeah . . . But you also get to butt hump Damon on the dance floor, for a little while!”
BONNIE: “I’m IN!”
“Make Love . . . Not War.” That’s a saying you always hear people say, when they talk about the 60’s . . . and about the hippies, who made that era an extremely “groovy” (not to mention, REALLY SLUTTY) time to be alive. So, it’s fitting that this episode of TVD, which centers around a 60’s dance, was chock full of both love AND war. But you don’t really care about that, do you? You just want to watch Damon wiggling his butt in tight leather pants!
Shame on YOU! I was trying to teach you a HISTORY LESSON! Now, I know how Alaric feels (the REAL one)!
Yes, there was definitely something for EVERYONE in “The Last Dance.” For example, no matter what SHIP you are on, your favorite couple probably AT LEAST danced together tonight. (Except for Forwood! Sorry Forwood fans!) Your favorite character probably had at least one BAD ASS moment to shine on screen! And the character you HATE the most, probably had at least one scene, where he or she was either flatly rejected, or (SURPRISE!) thrown up against a wall!
Have you ever wondered who Steven R. McQueen pissed off in the TVD writer’s room, to ensure that (1) all Jeremy’s girlfriends get whacked; and (2) he gets his ass pummeled each week, by everyone from invisible witch girls, to middle aged men in Coke bottle glasses, to skinny 14-year old boys?
Though not quite as “plot heavy” as last week’s installment, “The Last Dance” was still an action-packed hour, complete with twists, turns, fights, cliffhangers, deaths, rebirths, and enough AWESOME Delena eye-f*&king to impregnate an entire COUNTRY of TVD fans, just from watching the show! romance to fuel fanfiction writers for the next YEAR AND A HALF, AT LEAST!
So, only one question remains, Fang Bangers, “May I have this dance?”
Playing House with AlarKlaus
You know what I really hate? When evil old vampires possess my History teacher, and he compels me to stab myself repeatedly in the knee! That just really sucks! (It also makes wearing short skirts very difficult.)
Well, that’s ONE way to get rid of cellulite!
When the episode begins, we check in on AlarKlaus, who, apparently, has moved into Alaric’s house (which I guess makes sense . . . I just thought someone of Klaus’ stature would choose more fancy digs, than what one can purchase on a high school teacher’s salary). Bunking with AlarKlaus is the kidnapped Katherine, and Klaus’ gay lover Sumo Warlock. It sure sounds like a party to me!
After railing on Alaric’s admittedly boring as all heck “Safari Sam” wardrobe . . .
Chunky Monkey, notwithstanding . . .
. . . AlarKlaus (who’s new voice and accent makes him sound much less like Yoda than he did last week . . . which is refreshing) starts trying to glean information about the Scooby Gang from a very grumpy-looking Katherine. Unfortunately, Katherine’s been kind on the outs with the Scooby Gang, ever since THIS happened . . .
and THIS . . .
. . . and let’s not forget THIS . . .
So, she doesn’t have very much information to GIVE!
In fact, the Katherine we see this week is a VERY different vamp, from the confident, in charge, villainess we saw in “Plan B,” who single-handedly maneuvered a Useless Aunt Jenna Suicide Attempt AND a Stelena Breakup, AND a Tyler werewolf curse activation, all without even breaking a sweat!
The Katherine of “The Last Dance” is someone who has very much been beaten at her own game — rejected by BOTH Salvatores, betrayed by her best (only?) friend, and kidnapped by AlarKlaus. It’s odd seeing a character who was once seemingly willing to DO anything, and betray ANYBODY, in order to stay alive, literally begging her tormentor for death. And yet, in requesting to be put out of her misery, the usually sly Katherine makes yet ANOTHER mistake! Because now that Klaus knows what Katherine WANTS, he’ll definitely make sure she doesn’t get it.
“I’ve been searching for you for 500 years. So, I’ll be sure to make your death take at least half that long,” AlarKlaus explains to a petrified Katherine. And that’s how AlarKlaus came to compel Katherine to stab herself in the leg . . . over . . . and over . . . and over again. “And if you get bored . . . switch legs,” he offers. “Don’t be so glum, Kat! The fun is just beginning!”
FUN, indeed!
FIRST he makes hilariously true jokes about Alaric’s bad wardrobe, and THEN he makes Katherine do the vampiric equivalent of a rat caught in a trap, who is forced to chew off its own legs. It’s OFFICIAL! AlarKlaus is about ten times cooler (not to mention, hotter) than the Useless Aunt Jenna-dating Alaric will EVER BE!
Ahhh, but can he DANCE?
It’s Time for a Knock-Knock Joke!
DAMON: “Knock, Knock!”
ELENA: “Who’s there?”
DAMON: “Damon”
ELENA: “Damon who?”
DAMON: “Damon, who wants to get into your pants.”
ELENA: “You may enter . . . them.”
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (which, thanks to some quick and dirty paperwork, has hereby, been redubbed Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome) the Salvatore brothers are standing on the front porch, waiting to be “invited” into the home that has LITERALLY been in their name for centuries. Last week, when Damon half-jokingly told Elena that he would be “really pissed” if she refused to invite him back into his own house, I just KNEW that comment was going to come back and bite him in the ASS!
And bite, it DID! Because while Elena let Stefan into the house, without giving him much thought or attention, for that matter, when it came Damon’s turn, she decided to use this as an opportunity to engage him in some HIGH QUALITY flirtation and eye f*&king, before he “crossed the threshhold” into HER home (and, inevitably, her panties).
“What are we twelve?” Damon asks, feigning annoyance, when he is secretly LOVING all the attention he is getting.
“One of us is,” says Elena, flirtatiously, blocking the door, and posing seductively, in a manner that would make doppelganger Katherine proud!
Elena makes Damon promise that he will OBEY the “owner of the house,” before allowing him to enter. Upon hearing this statement, my mind immediately fills up with KINKY S&M images of these two . . .
“Damon, you’ve been a VERY BAD BOY! You must OBEY ME! Say my name, B*TCH!”
Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot. Bonnie is at the house too. And because it’s Mystery Meat Day at the cafeteria, Elena and Bonnie have decided to make their biannual pilgrimage to school. Damon doesn’t want Elena to leave. He’d much rather OBEY her some more upstairs in one of the bedrooms. But Elena knows that the plot of this week’s episode requires her to attend at least one class, and lunch. So, she insists. “Next to Bonnie is the safest place I can be,” Elena offers helpfully.
Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #1
Journey to CougarTown
*sings* “Caroline’s mom has got it going on. She’s all I want, and I’ve waited for so. . .” Ick, nevermind!
Back at Caroline’s house, Matt Donavasshole has arrived. But he’s not there to visit to his girlfriend, like a normal red-blooded teenage boy would, he’s there to visit her, not particularly feminine, mother.
MATT: “Ms. Forbes, are you trying to seduce me?”
LIZ: “That depends . . . is it working?”
Apparently, Sheriff Lizard Forbes would very much like for Matt to keep boning her daughter, and playing dumb (Well, that part should be easy for him, at least!) about all the information Caroline told him last week. That’s right boys and girls! Lizard Forbes, not only knows HER own daughter’s secret, she also knows DAMONS . . . and STEFAN’S . . . and ELENA’S . . . and TYLER’S (Way to be discreet, CAROLINE!)
“I just need you to buy me some time, while I figure out how to dig myself out of this ridiculous Black Hole of a Plotline the writers have dug for our now ridiculously unlikeable characters.“
I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand this storyline AT ALL! I suspect the point of this conversation was to make fans of the show HATE Matt less. After all, he’s only doing what Caroline’s MOM wants him to do, right? Right?
WRONG! The fact that Matt is chosing his girlfriend’s MOTHER, over his actual girlfriend just makes him a Mama’s Boy, not to mention a TOTAL WEINERFACE POOPYHEAD!
At least last week, when I thought Lizard and Donovasshole actually had a PLAN, behind their manipulation and betrayal of Caroline, I was intrigued by their newfound villainy. Now, I’m just confused . . . and bored. In fact, let’s just forget the aforementioned scene ever happened, OK?
POOF! It’s been forgotten!
Don’t Know Much About History (But Know a Ton About Being CREEPY!)
Wanting to “lay eyes on his precious doppelganger,” AlarKlaus decides to head to school. Normally, of course, this would be the absolute WORST place to find Elena, since, as I mentioned, she’s NEVER THERE. But Elena IS at school today. So, when AlarKlaus, under the guise of Alaric, arrives at his history class, it gives him the perfect opportunity to ogle and leer inappropriately at Elena, the daughter of his ex-wife, and adopted daughter of his now-ex girlfriend. (Umm, yeah . . . because that’s not incestuous at all!)
“Care to join us, Elena? We were playing pin the tail on the Chunky Monkey.”
The funniest part of this scene, of course, was that, unlike vampire Stefan, who, during the pilot episode, was a walking encyclopedia of dates and events. New History Teacher AlarKlaus doesn’t remember a THING about the 60’s! He’s been around so darn long that individual decades don’t even register on his radar!
Not only can AlarKlaus not teach worth a DAMN, he also doesn’t know ANY of his students’ names, or what he was teaching in class the day before! Of course, nobody in the class, least of all Elena, thinks there is anything at all strange about this. Of course, I attribute this to the fact that the REAL Alaric is an alcoholic, who goes out drinking with Bromantic Buddy Damon every night, and always shows up to class wasted . . .
At lunch “Dana” or as I like to refer to her “Creepy Compelled Girl from the Promos,” asks Elena if she is going to the 60’s dance tonight. She then tells her that a “hot guy named Klaus,” who DOESN’T look like her history teacher, wants her to save the “last dance” for him.
“3 scenes, 3 lines. You know what that means, don’t you? SAG CARD, HERE I COME!”
By the way, did anybody else find it strange that AlarKlaus was “human,” in the sense that Bonnie would be capable of killing him rather easily, were it not for the use of a Protection Spell . . . and “human,” in the sense that he could, enter Elena’s house without an invitation (more on that later) . . . but “vampiric” in his ability to compel others? Now, maybe this is because compulsion is something that occurs in the mind, and not the body. And yet, I’ve always considered it to be an exclusively VAMPIRE power, which would mean that someone inhabiting Alaric‘s body, shouldn’t have been able to do it. Any thoughts?
The knowledge that Klaus has invaded Mystic Falls High and miraculously compelled an Extra to play his “wingman,” makes Elena cry we, we, we, we, we all the way back to her Casa de Rich and Awesome, to tell the rest of the Scooby Gang the bad news. I smell a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation!
“Well Hi, There, Super Villain! Wanna kill me? Here’s HOW!”
So, remember how Damon used to be a member of the Let’s Kill All the Vampires in Mystic Falls Committee?
Well, it seems Klaus has taken a page out of the Salvatore Playbook, and has decided to join team Save Elena from Klaus . . .
It ends up being a BRILLIANT MOVE on Klaus’ part, actually. Not only is the Scooby Gang COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that AlarKlaus acts ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE ALARIC, they also proceed to carefully detail for him their Klaus-killing plan. Even though, presumably, Alaric himself, has probably heard it before (most likely during one of his and Damon’s LONNNNG nights of binge drinking).
“I’m the Plan of Attack,” says Bonnie, like the humble gal she is.
When AlarKlaus challenges Bonnie’s ability to kill a Big Bad Vampire like himself Klaus, Bonnie gladly proves him wrong, by doing THIS . . .
Look on the bright side, Damon. At least it wasn’t a Wall Slam!
After his fun with the Scooby Gang, AlarKlaus heads back to Alaric’s crib and proceeds to play with himself “Safari Sam’s” toys. Said toys include a SERIOUS arsenal of BAD ASS WEAPONRY . . .
(As we already knew.)
. . . and of course, lots of top quality liquor. (See, I told you he’s an Alchy!)
AlarKlaus worries out loud that Bonnie (or as he lovingly refers to her, the Witch B*tch) might actually be able to defeat him, by murdering Alaric’s body. So, Sumo Warlock comes up with the “brilliant” idea to “protect” AlarKlaus through a spell.
Alert the media! It speaks!
Once protected, Klaus can provoke Bonnie into using all her powers, thereby causing her to croak, just like the Great Witch Prophecy of Emily Bennett had said she would.
“Screw you too . . . EMILY!”
And this brings us to the night of the Next Last Dance . . .
Dance with the Devil (and everyone else on this show TOO!)
It’s 60’s Dance Night, and our Scooby Gang is trying to “blend in with the crowd,” and have fun, while, at the same time, “tracking down and kiling Klaus.” ALMOST everyone in the gang does a great job with the whole “Blending In” thing . . . except for . . . well . . .
You know you are a Major Buzzkill, when EVERYONE ELSE AT THE PARTY is wearing hot pants, and hippie outfits, and YOU show up dressed as an ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT, Matt DONAVASSHOLE! It’s called a THEME dance, not Halloween! Just sayin’!
Outside the dance, a still extremely concerned Jeremy tries to give Bonnie his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality. (Gee, I wonder why he would think she would be in danger?)
Bonnie declines Jeremy’s “marriage to life” proposal . . .
DEN-IED!
. . . arguing that the ring only works on HUMANS and, as a witch, Bonnie is NOT exactly human. You know, for all the MASSIVE hatred of all things supernatural, Bonnie has exhibited in the past, admitting that she is somewhat of a “monster” herself, is a MAJOR step in the right direction for our girl, Bonnie! And you know what THAT means, don’t you?
Painfully Obvious Foreshadowing Moment #2
Meanwhile, a very efficient AlarKlaus, has already begun the arduous task of Making the Compelled Humans Do His Work For Him.(LA-ZY!) First, he “hires” “Dana” to give Elena the song dedication we witnessed in the promo. Then, he commandeers “Dana’s 14-year old date and his rather wimpy looking friends” to “make some extra extra credit.” AlarKlaus then slips this Second String Geek Squad some of Alaric’s gnarlier vampire hunting weapons (which reminds me, where the heck did AlarKlaus HIDE THOSE? In his TIGHT PANTS? A man purse, perhaps?) to carry out this week’s Mini Gilbert Smackdown.
But still, through it all, Damon is not impressed, and he tells AlarKlaus as much . . .
While, AlarKlaus goes and cries in his punch bowl, at Damon’s rejection of his villainy, Damon himself tries to IMPRESS his lady friends, with his Mad Dancing Skills, the excellence of which we are already well aware . . .
Unlike AlarKlaus, who’d much prefer a more “prim and proper” decade, like the 20’s, Damon genuinely seems to feel at home in the 60’s. (I attribute this to the leather pants.) And when he sees that his soon-to-be lover Elena is not enjoying herself quite as much as she should be, he sets out to change that, in one of my FAVORITE Delena moments of the episode . . .
In a move that many of us Delena fans would like to view as a “foreshadowing of things to come,” Damon QUITE LITERALLY spins Elena away from Stefan’s arms, and into his own. Elena is shocked, and pleasantly surprised by the gesture. So, she shows her appreciation, by ogling Damon’s manparts, and staring at his eyes and lips, as if she would very much like to swallow them all whole.
(Might I remind you that THIS is Ponytail Elena! And, as we learned in “Daddy Issues” Ponytail Elena is ALWAYS down for Sexy Times with Damon!)
“You are very good at this,” says a Breathless Elena, as the tension of being stalked by Klaus starts to leave her body, and a DIFFERENT kind of tension, begins to build DOWN BELOW. Damon further diffuses Elena’s discomfort, by offering up a bit of that patent snarky humor of his we all enjoy so much . . .
“Remember the LAST Dance we went to, where the vampires were all like ‘Arrrrrgh’ and you were all like ‘AHHHHHH?”
I’m not even making that up! Damon ACTUALLY says these words to Elena! And it’s pretty friggin hilarious! But Damon is not just saying it, to give fans of the show a little Season 1 flashback . . .
Memories . . . like the corners of my mind . . . misty water-colored memories . . . of the way we were!
He says it to remind Elena that she’s on the SCOOBY GANG! And the Scooby Gang ALWAYS wins in the end! GO TEAM!
Having already swept Elena off her feet, Damon turns his attention to more practical matters. And so begins his Ass Grind Fest with Bonnie Bennett, while the pair whisper Sweet Klaus Magical Murder Schemes in one another’s ears . . .
Ponytail Elena, of course, is NOT AT ALL COOL with this! No one is going to ASS GRIND with Damon, besides HER! “What are THOSE TWO up TO?” Ponytail Elena asks Jeremy pointedly, her kitty claws, ready to scratch Bonnie’s eyes out . . .
Ooh, I bet Damon LOVES it when she gets jealous!
A Broody Jeremy leaves the dance promptly. So, Sensitive Stefan, always the group’s unofficial shrink, rushes to comfort him. It is there, that Jeremy finally spills the beans on Bonnie’s Deadly Witch Sacrifice Plans. So, of course, Stefan blabs to Elena. And Elena confronts Bonnie. And it becomes this BIG OLE Game of Telephone, Scooby Gang style!
Elena pulls Bonnie aside, and tells her, once and for all, that she is NOT dying to save Elena’s life. But Bonnie notes, not unkindly, that Elena would do the same thing for her. And Elena can’t deny this . . . There is crying, and hugging, and all sorts of HO-mantic goodness . . . and all while Poor Jeremy is getting his ASS HANDED to him, by a bunch of twerps, for the 85,000th time this season. But when Damon and Stefan come to his rescue, they figure out pretty quickly that the twerps were compelled, and that this is all ONE BIG TRAP.
Meanwhile, “Alaric” has come outside to inform Elena and Bonnie that “Klaus has Jeremy.” They quickly follow him back inside the school. Ruh-ROH!
The Showdown!
I love how INCREDIBLY long it took Elena and Bonnie to finally figure out that Klaus had possessed Alaric’s body. In fact, when AlarKlaus, who was clearly SO DONE pretending to be a mild-mannered history teacher, started verbally threatening them in the hallway, their first thought was that he was COMPELLED by Klaus to do it. “Are you still on vervain, Alaric?” Elena inquires.
Finally, AlarKlaus gives up being cryptic, and grudingly SPELLS IT OUT FOR THE GIRLS . . . “I’ll give you a hint, I’m not Alaric,” AlarKlaus admits. (Well DUH!) Now that all their secrets are finally out on the table, AlarKlaus comes clean about the fact that it is BONNIE he wants to murder this evening, not Elena. So, Bonnie starts going all witchy on his ass. But thanks to Sumo Warlock’s protection spell, it isn’t quite as effective as she would have hoped. “If you kill this body, I’ll just have to go and get myself another one . . . maybe Jeremy’s,” Klaus notes . . .
“You mean, there’s a scenario out there, where I might actually WIN a fight, for a change? HELLS YEAH!”
(Hmmm, now the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality protects Jeremy from Death by Supernatural Beings. I wonder if it protects him from possession by Supernatural Beings . . . interesting . . .)
Knowing a lost cause when they see one, Elena an Bonnie dash off in retreat. Outside, the school, we see Damon employ a similar Divide and Conquer Vampire Trick to the one we saw Klaus use on Elena and Bonnie, earlier. (I swear there must be a Vampire Playbook out there, somewhere!)
“GO FIND STEFAN,” Damon instructs Elena. (And she falls for it . . . AGAIN!)
Where’s your head at, girlfriend? Keep this up, and the next thing you know, you’ll be hiding important ancient artifacts in soap dishes!
Alone again with Bonnie, Damon begins to describe to her his plan for Elena’s survival, in earnest . . .
The Big Battle Scene between Bonnie and AlarKlaus takes place in some student lounge. It’s not much of a battle, really. Because the pair NEVER so much as lays a finger on one another. We see Bonnie do her, nose bleed, raised hand, glaring thing. Alaric gets thrown around the room a bit, Mini Gilbert style, but always gets up unscathed.
Then, vending machines start exploding, and my heart goes out to the students at MysticFalls High. Because I know just HOW LONG school days can be, when you can’t get your $.75 pack of pretzels, or your $1.00 Diet Coke with Lime!
Umm . . . Bonnie? I don’t know how to tell you this, but your nose is like REALLY BLEEDING, and you’ve got some lightning sparks in your hair . . .
Speaking of Bonnie’s hair, I’ve just figured out the REAL benefit of witchy fighting: NO BAD HAIR DAYS! You can save the world, and still look like you just stepped out of a salon! (Well . . . as long as you plug up those unsightly nose bleeds, that is!)
Anywhoo, Elena arrives on the scene just in time to see AlarKlaus disappear into thin air, and Bonnie drop dead . . .
Now, if you’ve read these recaps before, you know that Bonnie and I aren’t exactly the best of “pals.” But you’ve really gotta hand it to Nina Dobrev, and her Mad Acting Skills. Because when she rushed onto the scene, and started bawling over Bonnie’s lifeless body, I must admit, I grew a bit teary-eyed, myself.
Moments later, the Salvatore Bro’s rush onto the scene, with Damon instructing Stefan to get Elena away from the body, so that he can DO HIS BUSINESS. Being the Good Little Boy that he is, Stefan complies.
Meanwhile, Damon gently closes Bonnie’s eyes, and carries her down to some weird candlelit room. (What’s with witches and candles anyway? Can someone explain this to me?) Damon finds Jeremy in the parking lot, and solemnly directs her to Bonnie’s underground grave. When he gets down there, Bonnie opens her eyes . . .
SURPRISE! Bonnie’s NOW A FLESH EATING ZOMBIE! She’s ALIVE! Haha, fooled you, TVD fans! Aren’t accidental deaths meant to manipulate the audience into having FEELINGS for a character they may or may not have originally given two craps about HILARIOUS!
Now, that you’ve totally flipped your sh*t, it’s time for a little product placement. You see, apparently, Jeremy brought his little mini laptop with him to the dance (DORK!)! I’ll show you how he plans to use it in a bit. Meanwhile, let’s go check on Elena, who’s not in on the “SUPER FUNNY” Death Fake Out, YET . . .
Back at Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is trying in vain to comfort his girlfriend, who is still completely inconsolate over the not-so-much-death of Bonnie. When Damon comes home from “burying the Witch Bitch,” a tearful Elena, really lets him have it, “You knew she was going to DIE,” Elena insists.
“Yes,” replies Damon. *facepalm*
(See, if I were Damon, my first words, upon entering the house, would have been. “HAHA, BONNIE’S ALIVE! APRIL FOOL’S!” I mean, talk about burying the lead!)
Not surprisingly, Elena slaps Damon for his insensitive words . . . HARD!
And THAT’S when Damon FINALLY decides to tell her the truth: that Bonnie had to make Klaus BELIEVE she was dead, so that he would stop trying to attack her. Damon’s reasoning for keeping this from Elena was that, he believed that, if she knew what was going to happen, she probably wouldn’t have put on as believeable a Cry Face, as she did that evening. (Well . . . it WAS a good Cry Face!)
Elena happily rushes to her room and heads online. Back in the Bat Cave, Jeremy has set up his underground WiFi connection, which allows Elena and Bonnie to SKYPE together! YAY! Lamest Best product placement ever!
You can just imagine the tagline on the inevitable commercial that will result from this, “Have you faked your own death? Are you bored and lonely, living life underground, while all your friends and family are having fun upstairs? SKYPE can HELP!”
(Which reminds me . . . doesn’t Bonnie have parents? Aren’t THEY going to start to wonder, why she never came home from the dance? Aren’t there ANY good parents on this show?)
And YES, I am looking at YOU, Useless Aunt Jenna! Little Miss, I’m Going to Live on Campus for a Week, While the Two Children in My Care Get Beat Up, and Psychologically Tortured, at a School Dance, and one of them somehow “Purchases” a MANSION!
AHEM!
Oh, DON”T even get me started!
Downstairs, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan is pouting, because Damon didn’t let him in on the Oh-So-Funny plan he and Bonnie had to PUNK Elena. Damon rightfully argues, that had he told Stefan, Stefan would have undoubtedly gone blabbing to Elena, and ruined everything.
“Don’t get me wrong Stefan, I don’t mind being the Bad Guy,” Damon begins. “I’ll make all the Life and Death Decisions while you worry about the collateral damage. I’ll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day, I’ll be the one to keep her alive.”
Harsh words, Elder Salvatore . . . but true. I actually think THIS moment represents a real turning point for the Stefan-Elena-Damon love triangle. But not for the reasons you might think. Remember back in “Rose,” when Damon told Elena that he loved her, but ultimately compelled her to forget it, because he felt that Stefan was more DESERVING of Elena’s love, than he was?
Who am I kidding? Of COURSE you remember! It was EPIC!
Well, THIS is the first time we’ve seen Damon actually question whether or not that is actually true. Here, BOTH Stefan and Damon are coming to the realization that Damon MAY, in fact, be better equipped to save Elena, than Stefan is. After all, Damon is willing to hurt Elena, in order to keep her safe, whereas Stefan might not be capable of doing so. Interestingly enough, Stefan never contests Damon’s accusations against him. Rather, he seems to take them to heart, in a very personal way.
And I think that it is THIS realization on Damon’s part, that allows him to be as upfront with Elena, about his feelings for her, as he is in the next scene. While Damon does not go QUITE as far, as he did in “Rose,” in that he does not verbally use the word, “love” to describe his feelings for her, the words Damon does use are JUST as powerful of an indicator of that emotion.
I’ll let you watch the scene in full first, so you can get the complete impact. And then I’ll make a few choice comments . . .
Watching this scene again, I’m struck by how very HONEST both Damon and Elena are with one another, about their true intentions. In hindsight, you can almost SEE the moment, when Elena makes the decision to do what she does in the final scene. Once she’s decided, she all but telegraphs to Damon, her choice, as if begging him to say the thing that will stop her. “Let me get one thing straight, I will NOT let Bonnie die for me,” says Elena. “There has to be another way.”
You can try to hide your true feelings from Damon. But Flirty Hair Pulls of Lust don’t LIE, Elena!
But Damon loves Elena so very much, that he can’t hear what she is trying to tell him in this moment, which is tragic on so many levels. “Let me get one thing straight,” he begins, “If it comes down to you or the Witch again, I will gladly let her die. I will ALWAYS . . . CHOSE . . . YOU.”
Just as Damon realized that he HAD to keep his plans regarding Bonnie a secret from Elena, in order to protect Elena’s life, Elena now realizes that she has to keep her decision from Damon, in order to protect Bonnie’s life. And it is because they are both such similarly passionate people — who are willing to sacrifice everything forthose they care about — that Damon and Elena will NEVER agree on the lengths they should go to keep Elena safe.
I think my favorite moment of the scene, was the very final one. This is after all the confessions have been made, when Elena realizes that her next move is going to be a major betrayal of Damon’s love for her.
After saying good night to Damon, Elena turns back toward him, and looks him straight in the eye. (For a second there, I REALLY did think she was going to kiss him.) Clearly, there was SO MUCH that Elena wanted to say to Damon: about his feelings for her . . . about HER feelings for him . . . and about the sacrifices people make for ones they love. And I actually think Elena came EXTREMELY close to telling Damon her plans regarding Elijah. But in the end she knew that she couldn’t. Instead, Elena leaves Damon’s room, sad, confused, and resigned to her fate.
As Damon watches Elena go, he too has left a lot unsaid, regarding just how much he truly loves her, and how much it kills him to see her in pain, especially when he is the one causing it. And yet, now that Damon is FINALLY starting to realize how much he truly deserves Elena, there’s a good chance HE may unburden himself to her completely,someday soon. Hopefully, that day will come sooner, rather than later.
But first . . . he will have THIS new development to deal with . . .
As you recall, the Rhythm Method of Murdering Vampire Originals has one small catch . . . “pull out” too late, and you’ve got another pesky little vampire bun in your oven! That’s right boys and girls! Thanks to Elena, ELIJAH HAS RETURNED!
Speaking of Elijah, next week, we get to see him in Flashback Mode, complete with a Brand Spanking OLD haircut! Oh, and did I mention the TITLE for next week’s episode? It’s called “Klaus.” Yes indeed, the REAL Voldemort will be showing his face on your television screen VERY SOON! You can check out the extended preview for the episode, right here:
In the epic words of Elijah himself, “I believe the term you are looking for is ‘OMFG.'”
Damon: “So, you’re KLAUS, now? WTF Alaric! I thought we were supposed to bros? Do the words ‘Team Badass’ mean NOTHING to you?”
Alaric: “Ummmm . . . yeah . . . sorry about that. But, hey! At least I won’t be forcing you to hang out with my Boring Ass Girlfriend, anymore!”
Damon: “True . . .”
OK, so remember THIS GUY?
“Dammit Harry Potter! If I was on The Vampire Diaries, they would have made me HOT . . . or, at least, given me a nose.”
Well, then you know how, in the first few Harry Potter books and films, “Big Bad” Voldemort never actually MADE an appearance. He just hypnotized all these random folks to do his bidding, while he skulked around town, in search of a new face. (Honestly, can you BLAME him? I mean LOOK at the guy?)
That’s kind of what Klaus has become on The Vampire Diaries. Everybody talks about him. Some folks even work for him. But nobody seems to actually know what he looks likeunless they read the spoilers.
In related news, Alaric Saltzman has officially become AWESOME once again . . .
The episode begins literally right where we left, off a few months back, with Isobel (who’s such a RIDICULOUSLY awful mother, she makes that corpse in the basement at the end of Psycho look positively maternal, by comparison) arriving on Elena’s doorstep. This makes things incredibly awkward for Useless Aunt Jenna, who, in the past few seconds, has just learned the following: (1) her boyfriend’s wife is not quite as DEAD as he made her out to be; (2) that undead b*tch gave birth to Elena; and (3) everybody in Mystic Falls, except for Jenna, herself, already seemed to know this. Needless to say, Jenna has had better days . . .
“Wow, my character hasn’t done this much emoting on screen since . . . well . . . ever!”
Being the “rational and mature” guardian that Useless Aunt Jenna is, she responds to this Unwelcome Home Invasion by . . . throwing a temper tantrum, and disappearing for the rest of the episode. (You’ve really gotta love all the stellar examples of parenting on this show. It’s no wonder, everybody runs around, throwing eachother into walls, and biting one another! It’s like Lord of the Flies on this show!)
“SNIFF . . . now, I’m never going to get to see Alaric’s Chunky Monkey AGAIN!”
Speaking of Alaric, he stopped by the Gilbert House to (1) apologize to Useless Aunt Jenna for being a Terrible Boyfriend . . . and (2) to do something us TVD Fans have been wanting to do, ourselves, since Season 1 . . . PUNCH Uncle / Father John in the FACE!
An image that has resulted in the destruction of many television screens . . . due to objects being thrown at them . . .
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .
Katherine tells the Salvatore Brothers that, despite having played for Team Smug Asshole (a.k.a. Isobel and Uncle / Father John) for the past few episodes, she is now “TOTALLY” batting for our Salvatore Scooby Gang. The CunningVamp promises to do whatever it takes to help those Sexy Salvatores save Elena, so long as that means offing Santa Klaus. Of course, no matter how many times Katherine dances around the living room, like a girl who really has to peepreparing for a strip tease, neither vampire brother particularly seems to trust her.
As it turns out, the brothers’ suspicions are well-founded! Just a few scenes later, we find Kat encountering Isobel at the “Safe House” the latter supposedly purchased for Elena. (“It’s the nicest foreclosure on the block,” Isobel notes proudly, in TVD’s first ever, Timely Recession Reference.)
At first, Kat attacks Isobel, by . . . throwing her up against the wall. SURPRISE! (I’m beginning to think this is some form of Bizarre Vampire Greeting, considering how often it’s done on the show.) Soon after, the pair are being all flirty and seductive with eachother. There’s definitely this odd sapphic chemistry between them. In fact, watching Katherine and Isobel interact, I can’t help but wonder if these two have ever “known one another in the biblical sense,” if you catch my drift . . .
“Yeah, thanks for giving me Crabs, last time you were here! That was fun!”
The other odd thing I noticed about Isobel, is that, ever since she’s returned to Mystic Falls, she has lost all emotional affect in her voice. Every line she utters is delivered in this painfully dull monotone kind of like James Franco hosting the Oscars. Of course, in hindsight, this noticeable change in Isobel’s personality (assuming she has one!) actually makes a lot of sense to her character’s particular plotline. But initially, I must admit, I attributed it to bad acting. (Sorry Mia Kirshner!)
“Don’t worry, I ain’t mad at ya! (I’ll just eat you in your sleep.)”
While Isobel and Katherine chat, we learn that Katherine, at Isobel’s urging, is actually planning to cut some kind of deal with Klaus, in which her own life will be spared, in return for her turning over to him the Moonstone . . . and Elena.
(We also learn that Isobel has a nickname for Useless Aunt Jenna . . . “Auntie Vanilla “. . . I like it . . . but I still think “Useless Aunt Jenna” is better. Just sayin’!)
Later, while Damon and Stefan are out playing Save Elena Games, Katherine begins ransacking La Casa de Rich and Awesome, in search of the Mysterious Moonstone. Of course, she’s not averse to helping herself to a few of the boys’ OTHER possessions, while she’s looking . . .
After searching nearly the entire house, Kat heads to the bathroom to wash her hands. It is there that she locates the Moonstone, which has been hidden by Damon (who always said the darn thing looked like “soap, “anyway) in the Biggest Soap Dish Ever!
Now, I know a lot of TVD viewers out there were understandably annoyed at the USUALLY brilliant Damon, for picking such a seemingly lame hiding place for such an important object. Many of you might have even wondered why Damon, an admittedly “manly man” keeps so many Fancy Girly Hand Soaps in his bathroom, in the first place! The answer to the second inquiry is quite simple, actually: Damon REALLY likes getting clean . . .
As for why Damon chose the Soap Dish as the Moonstone’s Hiding Place, I’d have to say, the writers “compelled” him to do it, as a gift to US! Because, think about it, had Damon NOT hidden the Moonstone in the soap dish, we would not have been treated to THIS . . .
Just so you know, Damon . . . MY DOOR is ALWAYS OPEN!
Damon spends a large chunk of the episode hanging out with Witchy Bonnie and Mini Gilbert. NOOOOOOO! Hang out with ELENA, DAMON! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HANGING OUT WITH ELENA!
A witch, a vampire, and a Gilbert walk into a house . . . I think I once heard a really bad joke that started like this . . .
You see, through his many years of trying to rescue Katherine from the tomb she wasn’t in . . . , Damon learned the location of the house where all the Mystic Falls witches were burned alive, back in 1864. If Bonnie can harness the power of these witches, she can kill Klaus. So, Bonnie, Jeremy and Damon, pick up a spell book from a probably VERY RANK- smelling Jonas’ house . . .
(BTW, I love how DEAD LUKA has been rotting away on the floor of that apartment for MONTHS, and nobody seems to care!)
. . . and head to the all-powerful Witch Burning Site.
“Hi, honeys . . . we’re HOME!”
As it turns out, three is DEFINITELY a crowd, at the Dead Witch Bed and Breakfast. And soon after Damon enters the house, strange things start happening to him. (Unfortunately, none of those “strange things” involve his clothing magically disappearing from his body.)
First, Damon finds himself glued to the floor. Then, his Sunscreen Ring suddenly stops working, and he gets the WORST SUNBURN EVER! Wisely, Damon decides to leave the house before things get “too intense.”
Alone in Witchland, Bonnie and Jeremy start preparing to perform the “I see dead people . . . and take all their powers” spell. While Bonnie mumbles and chants gibberish, the witches start whispering something in her ear.
“Pssst, you’re boyfriend is REALLY HOT. Think he’d mind if we all had Hot Invisible Poltergeist Sex with him?”
Of course, Nosy Jeremy wants to know what the witches are saying, but Bonnie won’t tell him (which means she probably agreed to the Hot Poltergeist Sex Thing). Suddenly, Bonnie is screaming in pain. And Jeremy gets ghost f*&ked thrown into a wall for the 85,000th time this season . . .
“I’m starting to think that the universe is trying to tell me something . . .”
Then, it’s all over. And Bonnie and Jeremy celebrate, by making out again . . .
Outside, the house, Bonnie shows off her newfound witchy powers, by making Mystic Falls have Really Bad Weather for 15 seconds . . .
I would have made myself a Super Model / Lottery Winner, instead . . . but that’s just me.
After doing some research, Jeremy learns that using all those witchy powers necessary to kill Klaus, will result in Bonnie’s death as well . . .
“ANOTHER Dead Girlfriend? Are you friggin kidding me, with this? That’s IT! Next season, I’m totally turning gay!”
Speaking of soon-to-be-dead folks . . .
Isobel’s Big Plan
While in town, Isobel confronts Alaric, tells him how much she used to love him . . . and has her Massively Large Warlock Body Guard, Jedi Mind Trick him into unconsciousness. (Did you ever notice how EVERY vampire has their own witch on this show? The Salvatores have Bonnie. Elijah had Jonas. Klaus has this nameless Sumo Warlock. Is there some sort of a Witches R’ Us store in Mystic Falls that I don’t know about?)
Isobel then heads to the Lockwood Mansion, where Elena is accepting some random award on behalf of her OTHER Dead Mom. Once there, Izzie seemingly kills Uncle / Father John, by biting him in the neck and tossing him down a flight of steps. (Geez, punched in the face, bitten, AND thrown down steps. It’s not really this guy’s episode, is it?)
“At least I got to keep my balls all my fingers, this time!”
While, the crowd is tending to Uncle / Father John . . .
Moments later, Stefan finds “Elena,” and takes her out of the mansion. The problem is, The REAL Elena is gone!
When Stefan finally figures out what has happened, Katherine, looking remarkably like Elena, stabs Stefan with a syringe (filled with what exactly? It was never explained . . ) and tosses him into her “bush.” Sexual symbolism abounds . . .
And in this moment, Delena fans across the world, simultaneously updated their Tumblrs and Facebook pages, with the best thing that has happened to their SHIP (at least symbolically), since Damon told Elena he loved her in “Rose.”
Then Damon magically appears!
After assuring the masses at La Casa de Lockwood that Uncle / Father John is unfortunately not dead yet, Damon proceeds to entertain them, by performing a Ventroliquist and Dummy Act with Elena’s Bio Dad’s limp body . . .
“Now, watch me make him dance!”
Back at The Nicest Foreclosure in Town, Katherine gets . . . kidnapped by . . . Sumo Warlock?
Meanwhile, Isobel drives an unconscious Elena to a grave site, that I had assumed would be for Elena’s adopted parents, but was actually Isobel’s own . . .
Isobel explains to Elena how no one is actually buried there (DUH!). However, a part of Isobel really did die, when she became a vampire. Isobel wistfully wishes that Elena got to meet the nice (probably dull) Isobel, who studied supernatural things, regularly boned Alaric, not to mention Uncle / Father John (Maybe she wasn’t so dull, after all!), and genuinely loved her bastard child daughter. Then, Isobel gets a call from Sumo Warlock. He tells Isobel, that her “job” is done, and Elena is free to go!
Wait . . . huh?
Apparently, Klaus compelled Isobel to do ALL the evil crap she did during this episode!
OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . Klaus compelled Isobel to (1) get Katherine to find the Moonstone; (2) have Alaric kidnapped; (3) push John down the steps; (4) kidnap Elena; AND (5) betray Katherine, so that SHE could get kidnapped, while carrying the Moonstone.
(Does being compelled give you, like, Super Human Memory or something? Because that seems like a WHOLE LOT to remember to do . . . even for a non-Hypnotized Zombie Type . . .)
But at least now we know why Isobel seems to have lost her ability to emote, since last season! She’s been a Klaus’ Toy Robot this entire episode!
Speaking of rotting and decayed flesh, Isobel tells Elena that she’s “sorry she was such a disappointment to [her].” The vampiress then rips off her Sunscreen Necklace (I thought they only came in rings!) and “tragically” meets the sun, a la Godric in True Blood. The difference, of course, is that Godric made killing yourself, look pretty darn awesome, while Isobel, quite honestly, looked a bit rough, during her Dramatic Death Scene. . .)
Sayonara, Mama Isobel! It’s been . . . REAL . . . interesting.
(For those of you keeping score, Elena has now experienced, FIRSTHAND, the death of THREE PARENTS! How many YEARS of therapy, do you think it’s going to take to erase THAT?)
Meanwhile, in Not-So-Clueless-Anymore Matt News . . .
And you thought TYLER did Caroline dirty! (a.k.a The Forwood is MUCH BETTER than Caratt Plotline)
“I have three things to tell you, Mama Forbes. (1) I think your daughter is an Evil Bloodsucking Vampire; (2) she probably killed my Slutty Sister; (3) I’m SUPER hot for Cougars in Uniform . . .”
So, throughout most of the episode, Poor Caroline is trying to get in touch with Matt, who has been avoiding her, ever since she SAVED HIS LIFE at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. (Way to be grateful, DOUCHE!) When Caroline, inappropriately, asks Tyler’s mom, where Matt might be, the latter reminds Caroline that HER SON, TYLER is also missing, and that Forwood belong together, so Caroline should really get her priorities straight!
(Oh, by the way, how weird is it that Snooty Mama Lockwood is officially, by default, the BEST MOM ON THIS SHOW?)
Outside, the Lockwood Mansion, Matt accosts Caroline’s mom, with crazy talk of vampires and supernatural beings having something to do with the death of his sister. Later, Matt arrives at Caroline’s house, with some BIG FAT LIE story about Mama Forbes bringing him there to “cool down.” after his “outburst.” Matt’s Big Monologue about how alone he feels, being the only Clueless Human in a clearly Supernatural World . . .
. . . is remarkably reminiscent of Tyler’s admission to Caroline (which also took place at her house) about how alone he felt, having to cope with the Werewolf Curse, all by himself . . .
Except . . . you know . . . Tyler’s speeched rocked, and Matt’s . . . well . . . didn’t.
Anywhoo . . . Matt claims that he wants to know everything about Vicki’s death, and what’s going on in Mystic Falls. So, Caroline gives him these . . .
Just kidding! But Caroline REALLY does seem to have told Matt everything that’s been happening on the show, at least, everything that has happened since she became totally awesome a vampire. (I wonder how long THAT took!)
Then, Cry Baby Matt tells Caroline that he’d rather not know all this Scary Stuff. WUSS! So, he asks Caroline to compel him to forget everything he just BEGGED her to tell him, moments earlier. (Way to WASTE CAROLINE’S TIME, MATT DONVA$$HOLE!) Reluctantly, Caroline obliges . . .
“Don’t worry, Matt. Vampires and werewolves don’t really exist . . . And Santa Claus is real . . . and so is the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny. Also, there is no war, or poverty, or hunger. The world is a Perfect Place.”
The Big Twist comes just seconds later, when Matt hops into . . . Mama Forbes car and starts boning her reveals everything. “I did what you said. I drank that vervain stuff, got [Caroline] to tell me everything, and then told her to make me forget it. I think she DIED,” Matt whines to Caroline’s mom. Caroline’s mom tearfully agrees . . .
Well YEAH, GENIUSES! She DID die! That’s what makes her a VAMMMM-PIRRRRRRE!
Honestly, I don’t know who made me madder in this scene: (1) Matt, for manipulating Caroline, and then (AFTER hearing her obviously HEARTFELT, and extremely guilt-ridden, confession about what’s been going on in Mystic Falls) STILL not believing her to be the same sweet girl he supposedly fell in love with not too long ago . . . just because she happens to drink a little blood, every once in a while . . .
“That’s SO racist!”
. . . or (2) Caroline’s OWN mother, for so easily thinking the worst of her daughter, just on the say-so of Some Dumb Kid She Used to Date.
You know, what? Why choose? Here’s what I have to say to BOTH of them!
Come back soon, Tyler! Your girl, Caroline, NEEDS YOU!
In MUCH Nicer Boy News . . .
Team Salvatore FOR THE WIN (for now . . .)!
How’s this for a rockin’ present? Upon realizing that EVERY BAD GUY IN THE WORLD has access to the Gilbert home (Thanks, AUNT JENNA!), and that Elena needs a place where she can be safe, Damon and Stefan decide to DEED LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME OVER TO HER . . . OMG! They gave her an ENTIRE MANSION! Holy CRAP!
Later, the two brothers bond over booze, and the knowledge that, because THEY are the only ones who know that Bonnie has her witchy powers back, she is literally their Secret Weapon to Kill Klaus . . .
Speaking of Klaus, Katherine wakes up on the floor of Sumo Warlock’s hideaway to hear him performing weird creepy chants over an unconscious Alaric’s head. Then, “Alaric” wakes up . . . and he’s got this disturbingly evil look in his eyes, which makes me think Sumo Dude programmed him to be some Mindless Killing Machine. But Nu-Alaric is something WAY COOLER THAN THAT!
“Lovely Katarina. I’ve missed you,” he warbles in that weird new accent of his.
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