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The Devil Went Down to Panchitos . . . – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Father and the Bride”

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The Devil went down to Panchitos

He was looking for a beverage to spike.

He was in a bind, because Blair’s so refined.

But her nuptials, he did not like . . .

So, when Blair emerged for some fresh air, he gently whispered in her ear.

“That cop’s really a stripper, so give him your reefer, and, maybe offer him your brassiere.” 

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Greetings Upper East Siders!  This week on Gossip Girl I got to witness some things I never EVER thought I would see . . . (1) Blair Waldorf fist pumping . . . (2) Chuck Bass going to church for reasons other than his own inevitable wedding to Blair . . .(3) Serena van der Woodsen becoming a “talented writer” . . . and (4) Nate Archibald outsmarting someone.

I must admit, I’m a bit worried.  These events might very well signify the Four Non Judging Breakfast Club of the Apocalypse.  What’s next?  Louis-bot and Donut Dan joining a Book Club, together?

Uh oh!  I might as well bend over and kiss my ass goodbye!  But, before I do that, let’s review.  Shall we?

Unholy Alliances . . .

When the episode begins, bromantic buddies Nate and Chuck are drowning their sorrows in their breakfast of choice: espresso and tears.  (Of course, Chuck puts some scotch in his.)  Nate can’t figure out who on earth would hate him enough to want him dead.  And yet, I could immediately think of about three or four psycho ex-girlfriends of his, who might fit the bill.

Example 1

Example 2

As for Chuck, he’s been keeping himself busy by stalking Blair, and paying others to do it for him, when he can’t.

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“Peekaboo!  (I see YOU!)” 

His faithful companion Monkey was noticeably absent thoughout the episode.  I choose to believe that this is because the adorable mutt has taken a Puppy Lover.  Talk about adding insult to injury!  Even Chuck’s dog is getting more tail lately, than him . . .

Though there have been some exceptions that neither Chuck, nor Monkey seem particularly willing to talk about . . . 

Speaking of tail, Nate admits to Chuck that he is uncomfortable allying himself with the Eeeeevilll Gossip Girl, in order to get information about the cause of Chuck’s and Blair’s accident.  To this, Chuck responds, “Meh!  Do it.   She’s got a sexy voice.  And knowing your track record,  she’ll probably end up being your next guest star girlfriend . . . Ooh, gotta go.  Blair’s taking her royal morning pee in five minutes, and I don’t want to miss it.”

Persuaded, Nate immediately contacts Gossip Girl, to see if she might be interested in XOXO-ing with him, in the near future . . . She agrees.

Also bonding over morning cups of over-priced cappuccino are Dan and Serena . . .

“Kiss me, you Donut!” 

So this is what they decided to do, in order to make it look like they’re dating?  Walk around Manhattan with Starbucks cups in their hands at 8:45, in the morning.  That might work if they’re pretending to be a 75-year old retired couple.  But if Serena really wants to look like she’s dating Donut Dan, she should try stumbling out of his Brooklyn apartment at a quarter after 11, wearing last night’s clothes, and a serious case of sex hair . . .

Then again, aside from that one time when he engaged in a threesome, Humpty Humphrey never quite struck me as the “randy” type.  So, perhaps this “date” is more suitable to his style or lack thereof.

Date or no date, Serena is all over Dan like those ugly flannels he wears all the time.  She’s clutching his arm, leaning into his chest, sniffing his Ode de Donut cologne, and cooing kittenishly about how their “fake date doesn’t seem so fake to her.”  She briefly tells Dan about an article she’s writing for the Spectator Blog about . . . SURPRISE . . . her relationship with him.  Serena might as well be dropping a ten-ton brick on Dan’s head that says, “I want to bone you, for real.”

“Why must you insist on looking me in the eye, when I clearly want you to look lower?” 

But alas, the Donut is entirely clueless.  And here I thought novelists were supposed to be insightful . . .

At another breakfast table on the Upper East Side, Blair is breaking bread with Louis-bot’s sister, Beatrice-bot.

“Tell me Beatrice-bot, how exactly do robots become siblings?  Do they just have to be made in the same factory, or is there some requirement that they have interchangeable parts?”

Blair used to rightly think Beatrice-bot was a social climbing sociopath.  But ever since she became engaged to the Cyborg, the portion of her brain labeled “common sense” seems to have shut down entirely.  So now, Blair thinks Beatrice-bot is just a doll (which being a robot, and all, she kind of is . . . )!  And, since the hasty departure of Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena has left an  opening in her Bridal Party, she even goes as far as to invite Beatrice to be her bridesmaid.

Somewhere in another dimension, Season 1 Blair Waldorf is rolling her eyes at the idiocy of her future self . . .

Beatrice-bot really plays up her other species worldliness, by fussing over how exciting it will be to attend a REAL American Bachelorette Debauchery  Extravaganza.  (Why?  What exactly do girls do in Monaco to celebrate their impending nuptials?  Eat croissants and snarl at people, who are passing by?)

“Don’t knock eeyt, until you’ve tried eeyt.” 

Unfortunately, Blair explains to Beatrice-bot that Serena has planned a “tasteful” Bachelorette Party in her honor.  And by tasteful, I mean “dreadfully boring.”

Forgive me if I find this a bit unbelievable.  When has Serena van der Woodsen ever done anything “tasteful?”  How soon we forget that this is the girl who spent most of her early high school years drunk, and once got blissfully coked-out in a hotel room with Georgina Sparks,  while some junkie OD’d, just inches away from her.

But hey, I guess people can change . . . and, even if they can’t, television writers can pretend that they do . . .

Let your conscience be your guide (if you still have one . . .)

In the confessional, Blair admits to having dirty dreams about Chuck.  (Dammit, the one time I actually would WANT to see a dream sequence from Blair.  And we get nada . . . squat . . . bupkiss.  The GG writers are such shameless teases!  Blair describes Chuck as the “Devil on her Shoulder.”  But I suspect in her dreams that ‘devil” resides on another part of her body, entirely . . .

Not one to waste time, even while making confession, Blair helpfully tells her priest that she wishes to keep him around as her spiritual advisor, as opposed to that slimeball priest who is currently acting as Louis-bot’s advisor.  So, of course, absolutely none of us are surprised to learn that Blair was making her confessions to that very same slimeball.  No explanation was given as to what happened to Blair’s usual priest, that he wasn’t available to provide her with spiritual guidance, during this important time.  My theory?  Slimeball Priest ate him . . .

“Tastes just like Heaven . . .” 

Anywhoo . . . apparently, Slimeball Priest and Beatrice-bot are plotting to stop the Blouis-bot wedding, by getting Blair wasted, and reuniting her with Chuck . . .

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Oh . . . wait . . . you mean I’m NOT supposed to be rooting for the Devil in Priest’s Clothing and his Android Girlfriend?  Talk about a spiritual crisis . . .

We know that Beatrice-bot wants to do this, so that she might become Queen, one day.  But Slimeball Priest’s motives are a bit more murky.  He claims he’s going to “lose his job,” because Blair is bringing her own Personal Pocket Priest to Monaco.  What . . . Monaco is only allowed to have one Priest inside its borders at a time?  Even if Slimeball Priest isn’t Blair’s spiritual advisor, wouldn’t he still be Louis-bot’s (assuming robots actually go to Church)?

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned takedown . . .

Delivering on her promise to help Nate find out who tried to kill him, Gossip Girl texts him a picture of Max McPoorPerson taken at the time of the accident . . .

Seriously, are ALL guest stars on this show evil? 

Nate immediately rushes to tell his boy toy, Chuck about this.  Good ole Chuck, despite all the anguish in his personal life, he is willing to take time out of his busy schedule of Blair-stalking, and helping old people across the street to research this nefarious non-New Yorker . . .

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See, Blair?  Chuck’s still a REALLY good guy.  You should totally dump the Bot, and go back to boning him  . . .  (You know you want to .  . .)

In return for her services, Gossip Girl has a favor to ask of Nate.  I bet you can guess what that favor is . . .

Oh, that’s cold!  Taking down Serena’s site, and not telling her about it until after she’s made a total ASS of herself in front of about twenty reporters.  That’s at least $50 in the Douchebag Jar for you, Nate!

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On second thought, make that $5,000, because we all know how filthy rich you are . . .

(By the way, why are we suddenly talking about the “launch” of Serena’s blog, when, last week, they were referring to her as a Famous Blogger, who surpassed even Gossip Girl?  Sometimes, I wonder whether the folks who write this show actually watch it . . .)

When Serena confronts Nate, wondering what the f*&k happened to her blog, he claims he took it down, as part of a “marketing strategy.”  Nate, I’m sorry.  I like you, and all.  But you wouldn’t know  a “marketing strategy,” if it bit you in the nipple . . .

Shameless of me . . . I know.

Donut Dan clearly bathed in pheremones this morning.  Because, minutes later, we find him strolling down the street with yet another woman who wants to inject herself into him, like jelly filling.  I mean, why else would she possibly support Dan’s ridiculous idea to write a WESTERN novel.  Humpty Humphrey, I hate to break it to you, but riding the F train from Brooklyn to Manhattan doesn’t make you a cowboy . . .

“Oh Donut, you can lasso me, anytime . . .” 

In other opportunistic news, Dan’s agent thinks it would be “better for his sexlife career,” if he stopped screwing associating himself with and/or fake dating Serena.  Riiiiight . . . and that helpful advice wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you’re trying to free up space in the Donut’s pants for yourself, now would it, Alessandra?

“When did I become such a stud?”

Fortunately for Alessandra, Dan’s humongously inflated sense of self worth,  enables him to eat every morsel of horse crap she shovels into his mouth.  And so he calls Serena to engage in the most Awkward Conversation Ever . . .

“Heyyyyyy . .  . Serena.  So, remember that article you wrote about our relationship .  . . and how great it is . . . because we can always be TOTALLY honest with one another, even if things that one of us says might hurt the other one’s feelings?” 

“Oh, you mean the one where I declared my undying devotion to you, and vowed to love you forever and ever, and debase myself in the most pathetic ways possible to show you that love . . .  even though we’re sort of kind of related . . . and lately, I’ve seen you look at cheese with more passion than you look at me . . .”

“Yeah that’s the one.  Listen, could you . . . like . . . not publish that.  It’s not that I don’t totally appreciate your undying devotion and all.  It’s just that I don’t want to be associated with you and your writing, because my readers don’t find you particularly intelligent.  And boning you would lower my credibility as a writer.  It would be like the New Yorker having sex with the National Enquirer.  Also, it’s kind of preventing me from having sex with other women, which, for the first time in my life, I actually seem to have multiple opportunities to do.” 

“Sure, honey.  No problem.  I’ll take that column down, right away.  Listen, I’d love to sit and chat with you, but I have an oven I’d very much like to stick my head inside, right now.  Toodles!”

(To add insult to injury, throughout this conversation, Serena was wearing an outfit I distinctly remember Betty White wearing on a rerun of The Golden Girls, I watched on Nick at Nite . . .)

Meanwhile, Blair finds herself doing what she always does, whenever she’s sexually frustrated from a lack of Chuck . . . eating lots, and lots, of chewy, CHUCK-Y macaroons . . .

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“Mmmm . . . these chuck .  . . er . . . I mean . . . macaroons are delicious.” 

So, of course, it’s fitting that the inspiration for Blair’s macaroon craving arrives, just moments later . . .

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As sexy as Chuck looked in this scene, and as sexually tense as his moment with Blair was, during it.  I think Chuck actually made a bit of a boo-boo here.  By telling Blair exactly where she planned to be, at each stage of her bachelorette party, Chuck pretty much demanded that Blair change her plans at the last minute (basically, because she can’t bare being so close to him for any extended period of time, without ripping his clothes off and ravaging him).  And, of course, as we know, this was exactly what Beatrice-bot and Slimeball Priest wanted . . .

“Hold me back, Beatrice-bot, or I swear I’ll hump him . . .”

If I was Chuck, I’d probably just lie and tell Blair I WAS looking to purchase a pink velour tracksuit.  They’re very comfy, you know . . .

Meanwhile, back at the Spectator, Serena takes it upon herself to plop down at Nate’s computer, which, of course, is not password protected . . . genius that he is.  So, of course, she immediately finds those tell-tale e-mails from Gossip Girl that are as helpfully labeled as can be . . .  (You would think someone who valued her anonymity as much as Gossip Girl would know enough to use code words, or something.)

“Golly gee, I wonder what ‘In return for Serena’s article’ means.  Darn Gossip Girl!  Always so cryptic!” 

As has become habit on this show, Serena takes it upon herself to publish something on the Spectator that Nate doesn’t want published.  We’ve seen this now three times, already.   The security at the New York Spectator is so lax, I’m surprised I’m surprised the homeless guys outside haven’t jogged in and stolen all the computers, by now.  I also love how Nate’s trusty assistant SEES her do this, but doesn’t try to take the post down (which, considering it’s a blog, should be as easy as clicking the “Move to Trash” button).

In Trusty Assistant’s defense, perhaps, she couldn’t get to the computer, as a result of the massive poisonous snake-like object dangling from her neck.  Seriously, that thing must weigh at least half her body weight . . . 

Over at Dan’s Book Meeting, his “Western” idea, gets shot down faster than you can say “Quick Draw McDonut.”  So, does his “Book of the Future” idea.

“OK. . . so it’s like Hunger Games meets Mean Girls meets Star Wars, and I’m like Hans Solo / Katniss, and Blair is a cross between Princess Leia and Regina George.  And, in the end, we have glorious intergalactic sex on an obscure planet called Humphreyon.”

“So, basically, it’s an alternate universe Dair fanfiction . . .” 

Basically, the book sellers want Dan to write Inside 2: Electric Boogaloo, about his newfound relationship with Serena.  You know since, as of five minutes ago, when Serena published her article about the GREAT AND LIFE-ALTERING love of Dan Humphrey, she’s like totally the most popular blogger ever . . . again.

You know what that means?  Darena fanfiction.  So suck it, Alessandra . . .

“Can I at least play Serena, in the movie version?  I’d totally be willing to dye my hair blond, and not brush it for a few weeks . . .” 

Back at the Spectator, Nate puts on his Big Boy Pants and tells Serena she’s “fired.”

Then, the pair fight a bit about how, by screwing Serena, Nate found out from Gossip Girl that his own cousin (and one of Serena’s many ex-lovers) Tripp was the one who tried to murder him.  Serena defends the honor of the man she’s once known in the biblical sense (even though she’s known Nate . . . and most of Manhattan, that way too).  But when she leaves, Trusty Assistant sends a video of the firing to Gossip Girl.  I smell a SCHEME!

I must admit, I was super disappointed about how ridiculously quickly and carelessly, they wrapped up the plot about how SOMEONE ALMOST KILLED CHUCK BASS, and ACTUALLY KILLED BLAIR’S BABY!

Look, I get the fact that we all knew it was Tripp trying to sabotage Nate, from the outset.  So, the reveal was going to be anti-climactic, no matter what.   But the way Trippster just blurted out a five-minute long (complete with cheesy flashbacks) monologue confession of his crimes, the minute he was ambushed by Serena, Nate and Grandpoppy was so completely ridiculous, it was almost laughable.

Even the actors look bored by this scene . . . 

Why bother telling everyone that YOU were the one who cut the brakes. Tripp?  Why not just let Max continue to take the blame for that part, of this whole disaster?  It was his idea, and he did take your money, after all . . .

Tripp trips up . . . and gets trapped. 

Let’s put aside for a second the fact that  we’re supposed to believe that CONGRESSMAN would sabotage his cousin’s car . . . putting his entire career and freedom at risk . . . because he was jealous that the latter got invited to a party that he didn’t.  He claims he “didn’t think it would be that bad.”  What exactly does this guy think happens when you cut someone’s breaks.  The car does a little dance, pops a wheely, and goes right back to normal?

I guess we are supposed to be happy at the end, that Tripp’s probably going to go to jail (It seems like a family trait for those Archibalds.), his wife is leaving him (another family trait), and his career is pretty much in the toilet (And, we’re three for three.).  But NONE of these things are going to bring back Blair’s baby.  Oh, and did I mention that Tripp is responsible for breaking up CHAIR?

Now, I’m generally not an advocate for the death penalty, but I would be willing to make an exception here . . .

“I’d rip out your heart, Tripp, if you had one . . .” 

Oh, and I guess Nate finally stood up to his Grandpoppy, or something . . . So, um, yay for that . . . I guess?  Elsewhere, Slimeball Priest stops by Chuck’s house to give him directions to Blair’s NEW Jersey Shore cast-approved Bachelorette Party.  It’s interesting how GG was so very religious, last week.  And, this week, is giving us the worst representation of Catholicism, EVER.  In fact, if I was much more religous than I am, I’d probably find this a bit offensive . . .

Jesus would like to remind all Upper East Siders that not all priests are cut from the same cloth . . . 

Then again, all this Priest’s talk about “Divine Intervention” actually makes a pretty good argument as to why the Lord ships Chair . . .

Of course, he’d have a lot more credibility saying this, if he WASN’T, going against his vows, by hooking up with Beatrice-bot  . . .

Getting Jiggy with Queen B . . .

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In what was, hands down, my favorite part of the episode, Blair attends her bachelorette party at Panchitos, and proceeds to get rip-roaring wasted, thanks to a cleverly fixed drinking game, courtesy of Beatrice Bot.

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The game involved naughty acts of Blair’s exes.  And the only one I distinctly remember was something about Carter Baizzen wearing women’s underwear . . . Still, it was pretty awesome.

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You know who else is awesome?  Drunk Blair!  I don’t think I’ve seen her have this much fun, since she stripped for Chuck, and made sweet, sweet love to him for the very first time, in the limo, back in season 1 . . .

Sober Blair is prim, proper, and often calculating.  Drunk Blair is bubbly, happy, carefree, and VERY friendly . . . she’s also a surprisingly good dancer . . .

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You could tell Leighton Meester had a lot of fun exercising her comedy muscle, and displaying this rarely seen side of Blair.  Part of me wishes Chuck was inside to see it to.  Something tells me he would have enjoyed it . . . a lot . . .

“Papa LIKE!” 

You know who else would have enjoyed Drunk Blair?  Serena . . . if she actually SHOWED UP!  FRIEND FAIL!

Sure, ditch me for Grandpa Archibald, and the psycho serial killer Congressman.  See, if I care?

Had Serena been at the party, she might have prevented Blair from making this drunken confession to Beatrice-bot . . .

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Interestingly enough, I think it was Blair’s confession of her star-crossed love for Chuck to Beatrice-bot that actually convinced her NOT to try and sabotage her wedding (BOO).  After all, as Blair so astutely reminded Beatrice-bot, these two actually have a lot in common: forbidden loves, daddy issues, scheming psyches . . . a love of macaroons.  Best friendships have been built on way less . . .

Speaking of lovers and friends, when Blair finally leaves the bar, her lover (Chuck) and her friend (Dan) are waiting for her.  But she doesn’t notice either of them, because she’s too busy getting arrested for handling a joint, someone just happened to toss her way, and fondling a police officer (appropriately named “Weiner”), who just happened to try and take it from her.  Oops!

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Anti-Blouis fans (including Chuck, Dan, Beatrice-bot, Slimeball priest, and 99.99% of the world couldn’t have planned it better) if they tried!   After all, what Prince would marry a “drug addict?”

“Robots don’t do drugs.  It causes them to prematurely rust.”

Surprisingly enough, given all that, Blair seemed to have luck (and friends) on her side.  Moments after she landed in jail, Serena finally dragged her ass away from Golden Girls reruns to bail her out.   And Blair was too drunk to even be pissed off about it . . .

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Even more surprising was the fact that Beatrice-bot actually purchased all the cameras off bar patrons who photographed Blair, so that news of her cop humping, and ganja smoking antics wouldn’t get out?  Well, except for the fact that her cop humping and ganja smoking antics were probably uploaded to YouTube and Facebook by at least ten people about five seconds after it happened . . .

And Blair lived happily ever after . . . well . . . except for a massive hangover .  . .

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 .  . . and the fact that she’s still marrying a lame ass cyborg . . .

“Please, S.  Make this nightmare end . . . I was having such good sex dreams about Chuck.  And then you had to go and wake me up to my REAL life.” 

Becoming the villain . . .

Speaking of Chuck, he came to visit Blair at her home the night of the Bachelorette Party.  But she was too wasted and busy having sex dreams about him to come to the door . . . He did vow to keep fighting for her, though . . .

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 . . . even if that means forming a VERY unholy alliance with the same Slimeball Priest, who, apparently, got his supposed lover Beatrice-bot shipped off to a missionary in Africa, when he heard she wasn’t going to scheme with him against Blair anymore . . .  (Nice guy, right?)  Does it make me a terrible person, that, as awful as Slimeball Priest is, I STILL hope he will succeed in helping Chuck stop this travesty of a wedding?

Oh well . . . You can’t be good all the time, right?

Speaking of no good, even though Blair explicitly told Serena that she didn’t have to pretend to date Dan, anymore, Serena lied to Dan, and said that they DID, just to give her a better chance at getting in his pants.  It’s kind of pathetic, I’m not going to lie . . .

I’m starting to think that this guy has hypnotic powers.  He probably hides them in his hair . . . 

Why is Blair suddenly OK with Serena not fake dating, Dan, you ask?  (Because that whole Serena fake dating Dan thing was a stupid idea to begin with).  Because she and Louis-bot are in a “good place.”  And why are they in a “good place.”  Because Louis-bot apparently wrote Blair some REALLY good vows.

 

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Oh, I’m sorry . . . did I say Louis-bot wrote some really great vows? I meant DAN wrote them . . .

(It’s important to note that Louis-bot chose to insert his little thank you note in a copy of Camus’ “The Stranger,” a book about a guy who lacks emotion and a personality, so he kills someone, more or less, in an effort to FEEL something. Hmmm . . . no emotions . . . no personality . .. Sound like anyone we know?)

Next week’s 100th episode of Gossip Girl, entitled GG promises a wedding . . . maybe . . .

. . . a Chuck Bass intervention . . .

. . . and, of course, the return of the deliciously evil, Georgina Sparks . . .

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You can check out the promo for the episode here:

Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushnner.com][FangirlsForever]

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In which Blair found Religion, and I found Confusion – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The End of the Affair?”

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Yes Blair, we could tell by that balled up clump of fishnet stockings you wore on your head, that you were most certainly not yourself, this week.  Go back to Chuck, honey.  You dressed MUCH better, when you were dating him . . .”

Welcome back, Upper East Siders!  So, the last time we spoke, Chuck was in a coma.  A pregnant Blair was suffering from some serious internal bleeding.  And things were looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show.

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Now, a couple of holidays and a hiatus later, things are STILL looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show, but for entirely different reasons . . .

I think we ALL need a Monkey hug, and a good cry, after watching this . . . 

Have you ever watched a television show  that made you feel like you’ve just been punked?  Like, at any moment, Ashton Kutcher is going to jump on your couch and say, “Just kidding!  That was the fake episode!  Now, you can watch the real one . . .”

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Yeah, that’s kind of how I felt after watching “The End of the Affair?” . . . or . . . as I like to call it: The Episode Where Blair Makes a Monumentally Bad Decision and Rudely Blames the Man Upstairs.”

Sorry sweetie, but the truth hurts sometimes.  . . 

“Let Him Live . . .”

My first major gripe about the episode was the sequence in which it was shot.  By using a Jump Foward / Flashback style of storytelling, the writers effectively took the most gut-wrenching and nerve-wracking aspect of the story (i.e. the Non Judging Breakfast Club sit in the hospital, anxiously awaiting the fate of Chuck and Blair), and haphazardly swept it under the rug, in favor of the virtual non-mystery of why Blair and Dan were acting so “mysteriously,” a few weeks later.  (I think most of us figured that one out, about five minutes into the episode . . .)

DAN:  “So, Blair, are you up for seeing a movie?  I was thinking about Rosemary’s Baby . . . err . . . umm  .  . . I mean, Sophie’s Choice . . .  While you were Sleeping?  Aw crap!  Let’s just see the new Chipmunk movie, and call it a day.”

I feel like this was a tremendous missed opportunity to showcase the acting abilities of our talented GG cast.  I mean, their two best friends were DYING for crying out loud.  Hey, I know it’s maudlin, writers!  But if you are going to make the decision to put two of your main characters (one of whom is PREGNANT), in a near-lethal car accident, I wanna see some angst!  I wanna see some tears!  I wanna see the possibility of some Emmys, for crying out loud!  I don’t care if the CW will never, ever win an Emmy, for as long as I live!  I still believe in you, Ed Westwick!

 .  . . Emmy Hopeful.

But that’s beside the point of this recap . . .

So, what I’m going to do for you, dear readers, is tell the story of this episode chronologically, the way I believe it should have been told.  Perhaps, that will help make more sense of it.  I strongly doubt it, but it’s worth a shot.

I’ll begin with the most painfully beautiful moment in the entire episode.  Chuck and Blair get rolled into the hospital on separate gurneys.  They are both still conscious, but in an exceptional amount of pain, and incredibly frightened.  Doctors surround them both, and there is a lot of blood on both beds.

Then, it happens.  Chuck looks at Blair, and she looks back at him.    The expression that passes between them is a mixture of love, longing, hope, and fear.  Chuck reaches out his hand, as if to grab for Blair.  But then he falls unconscious.  His hand falls back, lifeless onto the gurney.  Blair watches on, heartbroken, terrified, crushed.  We all feel her pain.

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It’s moments like these that remind me how VERY GOOD this episode could have been .  . .

We cut to Blair waking up in a hospital bed.  Serena comes in to see her, still dressed in her gown from Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s coming out party.  Serena is tentative and nervous.  She has bad but not particularly surprising news.  Blair lost the baby.

Now, in Leighton’s and Blake’s defense, they handle this heartbreaking scene with aplomb.  Blair’s tears bring a stepped-on puppy-like whimper to my throat.  Serena’s reaction is more muted, which makes sense.  After all, she has had time to process this, and wants to be strong for Blair.  And yet, you can still tell she is breaking inside.

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And.  . . then the two pretty much never mention it again  . . .

“Huh?” 

Now, I’m not saying that I wanted to watch an entire philosophical discussion on the loss of Blair’s baby.  Let’s face it, philosophical discussions are not why most (OK  . . . any) of us watch Gossip Girl.  But this is a HUGE deal!  I mean, Blair’s feelings about the loss of this baby have to be REALLY complicated, all things considered.

On one hand, this was going to be Blair’s first child.  She may not have wanted to become pregnant, but Blair had made the decision to raise this baby.  She had grown to love it, and had planned out a future raising it with Chuck.  This is a loss of the most personal kind for her.

But there are also darker emotions surrounding this baby.  For one thing, this was Blair’s sole link to Louis-bot, a machine man she doesn’t really love, and seems to have saddled herself to, more out of obligation than anything else.  Also, though the writers often seem to forget, Blair is still in college.  She’s someone who has extremely high career aspirations for herself, ones that a child would have certainly impacted.  So, I would think that Blair would be feeling just a teensy bit relieved, as well as SUPER guilty for feeling that way.

It would have been nice of the writers to pay homage to that . . . especially since it’s something to which I suspect a lot of young mothers (and even some not so young mothers) who end up miscarrying, could strongly relate.  Just sayin  . . .

But alas, Serena’s not done being the bearer of bad news.  She also has to tell Blair that Chuck hasn’t woken up since his . . . operation?  “He’s lost a lot of blood.  It’s not looking good,” says Serena solemnly.

Don’t go into the light, Chuck . . . (there’s no booze, there.)

Talk about guilt and sadness!  Surely, we cannot blame Blair for seeking solace in the hospital chapel, in her time of need.  It’s something many of us (even those of us who are less than religiously inclined) would have done if placed in that terrible situation.  We also can’t blame her for praying for Chuck’s life, or for offering up some sort of generalized sacrifice, in exchange for his continued existence on this Earth . . .

But that’s when things start to get WEIRD . . . and by weird, I mean LAME.

Blair promises El Jefe in the Sky that she will marry the Cyborg, if He (or She) lets Chuck survive (Really?  That’s the sacrifice she chose?  She couldn’t have just given up designer shoes, or weird hats like the hideous one we see her wearing later on in the episode, or something?).  Lo and behold!  At that very moment, an angel a nurse enters the chapel, bathed in heavenly white light bad fluorescent lighting, to tell Blair that Chuck is asking for her.

HE’S ALIVVVVVVEEEEE!

And if Chuck was actually awake, when Blair arrived at his bedside, the episode could have ended right here, and I would have been an extremely happy camper.  Well, aside from the whole “Ignoring the Dead Baby” thing.  But NOOOO!  Chuck had to take a nap!  So, Blair had to tell his sleepy, lazy, ass, that “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I won’t love you.”

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And then, she JUST WALKS AWAY . . . while Chuck snores (OK . .  . he doesn’t snore.  But, you get what I mean), blissfully unaware that his LIFE HAS JUST BEEN RUINED . . . AGAIN!

*groan*

When a fully-recovered Chuck finally does confront Blair, he can’t understand (and neither can most of the fanbase), why she’s suddenly giving him the cold shoulder.  After all, not long ago, the two were happily declaring mutual love, and planning out their lives together?  So, what gives?  Ask the angel in nurse’s clothing!

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Dan and Blair Sitting in a Tree, P-R-A-Y-I-N-G

We find Chuck and Louis-bot in the rain, some time later, having what would probably be considered a romantic moonlight moment together, if this were another show, and Louis-bot weren’t WAY too boring for even a gay-version of Chuck to love.  Of course, immediately I started to worry about Louis-bot.  I mean, don’t robots tend to rust, when they get wet?  I kept expecting him to droop down into a slouch, and stop working entirely!

WARNING: Placing Louis-bot under water may result in electric shock . . . 

(Actually, that just got me thinking about something . . . So, Blair won’t be with Chuck, because she’s afraid God will KILL HIM, if she does.  But what if Louis-bot dies because he is assassinated by a Secret Group of both Chair and Dair fans, working together toward the only thing on which they can truly agree?  What does that say about Blair’s little theory?  Will that be her fault, as well?)

Anywhoo, Chuck and Louis-bot are apparently a bit worried about Blair, who has recently returned to town, after some time away, and has been giving them both the brush-off.  (Golly gee?  I wonder why?)  Chuck offers to bring Louis-bot back to Blair’s in his limo, because the poor cyborg has the sniffles.  Isn’t that sweet?  NO, DAMMIT!  Let the bastard rust!  He’s ruining the show!

At La Casa de Waldorf, the two possibly jilted lovers contemplate whether Blair might be having an affair with Donut Dan.  (Really?  Again?  Didn’t we do this storyline, already?)  There is even some talk about whether it would be appropriate to hire a private investigator to figure that out.  (Yes, because hiring a private investigator always works out SO WELL for You Rich People . . .)

“Is it your turn to follow Blair to Brooklyn this week, or mine?” 

After the boy and his robot depart, we see Blair skulking in the darkness .  . . something she does, to varying degrees, throughout the entire episode.  Come to think of it, the entire cast seems to skulk in the darkness throughout most of this episode  . . .quite possibly because they are embarrassed by some of the inane things the writers are making their characters do . . .

“Maybe if I wear this, no one will recognize me.” 

Chuck then heads out to Brooklyn (The characters have all been going there a lot lately.  Is Brooklyn the New Upper East Side?) to confront Humpty Humphrey about whether or not he’s actually boning Blair.  The Donut plays dumb, not surprisingly.  But, in a twist that shocks absolutely no one, the minute Chuck leaves, Blair is waiting in the wings, with her catchphrase for the episode: “He can never know the truth.”

Well, now, that sounds like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen . . .

The next day, Donut finds Blair crying in the most gorgeous Vera Wang wedding dress I’ve ever seen.  She doesn’t feel right wearing this dress, when everything has changed so much in her life, since she last had it on.

“Hey Chuck!  No peeking, before the wedding!  It’s bad luck (and also a bit pervy).” 

Humpty Humphrey suggests a new dress.  Sadly enough, this statement only reminded me of that terrible movie Bride Wars, in which Kate Hudson said, “You don’t alter Vera to fit you.  You alter yourself to fit Vera.”

Ahhh . . . but Kate Hudson is no Blair Waldorf, apparently.  Because, seconds later, out pops a very perky Vera Wang, who’s just positively thrilled to whip up a new dress for the Girl Who Would Be Queen B . . . at the VERY last minute.  She’s such a trooper, that Vera!

PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT! 

This is followed by more skulking around town for Dan and Blair.  (Did I mention Blair is dressed like that Madeleine chick from the children’s books?  Weird . ..)   You know who else is skulking around?  Chuck.  He’s watching Dan and Blair, while making The Face.  You know The Face I’m talking about . . .

Yep.  That’s the one . . .

Then, Dan and Blair go into a Secret House alone together!

Chuck makes The Face again, only this time, it’s a MADDER Face.

As it turns out (though, of course, Super Sleuth Chuck never even thinks to investigate this), the Secret House Donut and Blair have been sneaking in and out of, throughout the hiatus, is actually not a hotel that rents by the hour (Thank the LORD!).  It’s actually .  . . wait for it . . . a CHURCH .  . . one to which some kindly priest has given Blair her very own key.  Riiiiight, because that’s what priests do . . . give members of their congregation their own keys, just for fun!  *insert inappropriate, and highly offensive, priest joke here*

Apparently, Blair’s been chatting with her good pal, Upstairs, hoping that she can get some kind of reprieve on that TERRIBLE DEAL SHE MADE WITH HIM OR HER.  But before the Man or Woman Upstairs can kindly tell Blair, “Sorry, can’t talk now, have global hunger, war, massive poverty, and disease to cure, first,” she looks out the window to see Chuck almost get KILLED BY A CAR . . . AGAIN.

(Will this madness never end?)

Convenient, right?  Well, just like the angelic nurse from earlier, this is apparently all the signs Blair needs to know she is most definitely fated to live out a miserable life with Robot Man.  Somewhere in Heaven, an angel has lost his wings . . .

There’s a New Gossip Girl in Town . . .

Way to bury the lead, writers!  Here’s another important thing that happened on the Upper East Side, during the hiatus, that none of us got to see:  Gossip Girl was FIRED!  Seriously!  They didn’t even let her do the episode introduction!

Apparently, as promised, Serena and the rest of the Non Judging Breakfast Club punished our series’ narrator for purportedly sicking the paparazzi on Chuck and Blair, by publicly blaming her for Chuck’s and Blair’s accident.  Harsh!  So, now where are people sending those juicy blasts and photographs they used to send Gossip Girl, you might ask?

Wait for it . . . to Serena van der Woodsen . . .

“O . . . M . . . G!”

That’s right boys and girls.  Apparently, not only is Serena capable of reading, she can also write . . . well, blog.  (Yes, I am fully aware that I just insulted myself.  Thank you for noticing . . .)

Oh, how the mighty UES hath fallen?  Can you imagine having to go from reading the smart, witty, snarky barbs of Kristen Bell to being stuck with mind-numbing descriptions of what Serena van der Woodsen had for breakfast that morning.  Chuck’s and Blair’s accident was a sad night for the Upper East Side, indeed . . .

Remember that part in Mean Girls, where, the moment Rachel McAdam’s character got fat and relatively unpopular, the other two girls started idolizing Lindsay Lohan’s character, simply because they needed to follow someone?  Well, that’s kind of what happens with the original Gossip Girl loses her crown.  All the UES cronies end up sending their “blasts” to . . . Serena.

But whatever is our blonde bastion of integrity to do with all this power?

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New Boss Nate says PUBLISH THEM ALL!  (You know, because he’s the “honest” journalist . . . with “integrity” or something.)  But Serena’s not so sure she should do that.  After all, it was her idea to get GG fired, in the first place.  Wouldn’t that make her a hypocrite?

(And besides,  she just bought a new pair of shoes that she really wants the UES’ opinion on!)

So, what exactly do these two aforementioned storylines have in common, you might ask?  Not much.  Well, you see, as I mentioned earlier Chuck and Louis-bot are now fully convinced that Donut and Blair are having an affair (After all, they saw them TALKING and entering a BUILDING together.  What other reason could they possibly have for doing that, than boning?). Therefore, TweedleBass and TweedleBot come up with the brilliant idea to (1) review Serena’s e-mail themselves for more damning evidence; and (2)”out” Dan and Blair as the hottest new Secret Couple at Nate’s Spectator party, by inserting one of these pictures into the Spectator’s slide show.

*insert robot laugh here* 

Learning what Bot and Chuck are planning to do, prompts Serena to FINALLY confront her friend about what “F” is happening between her and Dan.  So, FINALLY, Blair comes clean about her whole Pact with the LAWWWWD! thing.  Not surprisingly, Serena finds it just as ridiculous as the rest of us.  “That was not a miracle.  That was modern medicine!”  Serena snarks of Chuck’s Return from the Great Beyond.  “God doesn’t punish people for being in love,” she explains further.

“When I become the smartest character on the show . . . something is VERY, VERY wrong.” 

But Blair, having already drank the writer’s Kool-Aid, is unconvinced.  And this causes Serena to have to make the Ultimate Sacrifice, in order to protect her friends secret.  Serena must . . . pretend publicly to be DATING her brother DAN THE DONUT . . .

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Wait . . . what?  I’m sorry, did that not make sense to anyone else? Why would Blair and Dan be spending all this time together, if Serena and Dan were screwing?   Do they need a chaperone, or something?  Are we actually supposed to believe that a savvy guy like Chuck is going to buy this pile of  steaming horse poopy?  Heck, even Nate’s too smart to fall for this one!

“I am?  Wait . . . yes, I am to smart to fall for that!” 

Oh, Serena, honey!  If you really wanted another opportunity to screw Humpty Humphrey that badly, all you really had to do is wear a brunette wig, and tell Dan that if he squints really hard, you might just pass for Blair . . . (Kind of like someone else we know did once . . . remember?)

In the end, Serena gets to smooch a certain Donut at the stroke of Midnight at the Spectator New Year’s party . . .

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. . .  while Blair (surprise) kisses that slug Louis-bot, and Chuck kisses Monkey . . . or at least he would if Monkey was actually invited to the party.  (Stupid Nate!  You are so dog-ist!)

Did I mention that Serena decides to read and publish those Gossip Blasts, after all?  Oh, but she’s going to do it “with honor” . . . whatever that means?

“Integrity RULES!  Let’s go get wasted . . .” 

Speaking of the Blogger Formerly Known as Gossip Girl . . .

Strange Bedfellows . . .

Nate’s been getting some weird text messages lately . . . No, not the good dirty kind . . . the kind that tells him he’s not a “journalist with integrity,” because he accused the paparazzi (and Gossip Girl) of almost killing Chuck and Blair, without knowing “the whole story.”  So, Nate does a little investigating.  He interviews the limo driver, checks his receipts, and looks at some pictures.  All of this helps him to find out what most of us already knew: (1) that the limo driver’s brakes had been cut prior to heading off into the night; and (2) that the limo that crashed was actually meant for Nate . . .

Ruh-roh!

Oh, but the real kicker is this . . . I bet you’ll never guess who’s been providing him with this intel?  It’s GOSSIP GIRL . . . the real one . . . (XOXO!).  And she wants to pair up with Nate to solve the Big Mystery we all already figured out, in exchange for getting her blog back.  Sounds like a good deal right?

(Now, if we could only get her to confirm our suspicions that Diana is really Chuck’s mom?  Which reminds me, did the GG writers just completely forget that Diana was returning to town the night of Chuck’s accident?)

In other sort of gossip-related news . . .

Will the Real Charlie (Lola) Rhodes please stand up?

It seems there were more private investigator in this episode than there were sensible plot points.  The other private investigator was hired by Lily to find Not-Really Charlie Rhodes.  Lily is so shocked to learn that “Charlie” never left New York that she heads immediately to the college where the Crazy Cousin is apparently enrolled.  However, when Lily finally comes face-to-face with Charlie Rhodes, or “Lola” as she calls herself, she’s not the Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena we’ve grown to know and not-necessarily love, but, rather, some other random blonde chick.

“Who the f*&k are you?” 

Convinced that this woman is just some other lady who happens to share Charlotte Rhodes’ name, Lily decides to finally let “Charlie” go and be Charlie.  But, here’s the kicker.  Lola Rhodes is the REAL Charlie Rhodes . . . says the wallet-sized photograph of Mama Carol, sitting right next to her student ID.  So, now is someone going to tell me how “Lola Rhodes” has managed to live on the Upper East Side all this time, and NEVER, EVER ran into Gossip Girl?  For shame!

“That Charlie .  . . what a loser!” 

But even a less-than-stellar Gossip Girl episode like this one, wouldn’t be complete, without a gut-squeezing sob fest of a Chair scene.  And we got one . . .

“Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

Oh Blair, your mouth says no, but every other part of you says yes to Chuck Bass.  Why else do you make it your business to visit him at the end of every episode that involves you purportedly cutting him out of your life.  What made this particular scene so incredibly painful was how genuinely excited Chuck was to see Blair.

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It was almost as if he, like the rest of us, believed this entire episode to be nothing but a VERY BAD (and boring) DREAM.  But noooooo . . . Blair just wants to tell Chuck to not revert back to douchedom, now that she’s given him the old heave-ho, religious style.

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You’ve got to admit, it’s a valid point.  When the going gets tough, Chuck does have a tendency to get douchey.  And this is coming from someone who loves Chuck dearly, even when he’s on his absolute worst behavior.

But Chuck’s not about to give up on Blair.  He knows the moment they shared in that limo, and before it, at the Empire was 100% real.  And he’s not going to make the same mistake again, of giving up on what he loves without a fight.

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 And why would he, hen the chemistry between Chuck and Blair is just as scorching as ever, even during a moment as turbulent (and frustrating) as this one . . .

And yet, the clincher of this scene is when Blair repeats to Chuck those very same words we heard her say to him in the hospital . . . words that he is only now allowing himself to remember: “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

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You know that saying, “If you love someone set it free, if it comes back to you, it’s meant to be yours?”  DON’T FOLLOW THAT ADVICE, CHUCK!  You chase after that girl, and don’t stop until she’s back in your arms.  It’s what Jesus would do . . .  (Yeah, I went there.)

Speaking of which, you know how Blair explained away her odd behavior to Louis-bot at the end of the episode?  She claimed it was because she was converting to Catholicism?  Yeah . . . I have nothing to say about that . . . at all . . .

But hey, next week’s episode looks promising (at least according to our friends from Canada) . . .  Check it out . . .

As for the United States, their promo chooses to focus more on Blair getting wasted, and arrested.  (Silly Americans, and their boozy ways! :))

Cheers!

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Unforgiven – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s Season 2 Finale, “To the Lost”

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Television show writers always walk a fine line when drafting a game-changing season finale for a series they know will be returning in the fall.  On one hand, there’s a lot of pressure to “go out with a bang,” and “shock people.”  And modern TV viewers are notoriously jaded, and hard to shock . . . because, basically, we’ve seen it all before.  So, if you really want to get people talking about your show over a long hiatus period, you can’t pull any punches.

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On the other hand, if you go too far, or change things up too much, you risk alienating the very audience you worked so hard to keep.  After all, your fans have certain expectations regarding shows they love.  And they need to know that the show to which they are returning is the same one they fell in love with, in the first place.

Undoubtedly, this is the quandary Terence Winter and Co. found themselves mired in, when drafting “To the Lost.” It was, by all accounts a spectacular season finale, one that will undoubtedly have fans talking about it long after the final credits have rolled.  But now that things have changed so dramatically, will fans have a reason to return?

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Let’s review, shall we?

“Welcome back, fellas!”

Jimmy Darmody spent this episode much like Queen Latifah’s character did in “Last Holiday,”  (only without the fancy dresses   . . . and all the food  . . . and certainly without Cuba Gooding Jr.)

What I mean, of course, is that Jimmy spent the entire episode behaving as a man who knew he was marked for death.  He tidied up his affairs.  He righted wrongs.   He gave people important pieces of advice.  Jimmy assured himself that when he left this world, he would do so with as few regrets possible, given the life he lived.

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“I’m no one’s idea of a hero, least of all mine,” Jimmy said to the masses, during his impromptu speech on Veterans Day.

But Jimmy sure seemed like a hero, this week, which is how we all pretty much knew he was a goner.  Let this be a lesson to you actors, out there.  If you ever get a script, where your typically flawed, or under-used character, suddenly starts looking like the Messiah, chances are you aren’t making it out of the our alive .  . .

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I just realized he’s still wearing his wedding band .  . .

Anyway, the episode begins with Jimmy and Harrow fulfilling their promise to Chalky White, by hand-delivering to him and his men, the three KKK members responsible for shooting him, and his family.

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“We gonna SCHOOL THESE CRACKERS SHEET-HEADS!”

 In addition to these fine specimen, Jimmy also offered additional money to the families of the people the KKK had murdered during their raid.  In return, Chalky agreed to end the labor strike,  and broker a meeting between Jimmy and Nucky.  Now, I’m not usually one who condones violence, but I have to say, I got a bit of thrill watching Chalky and his former-foe-turned-bestie,  Purnsley, gleefully kicking the crap out of these racist bastards.  Those sheet-heads had it coming . . .

 

They sure are dapper and perky, psycho killers,  aren’t they? 

As Harrow and Jimmy drive away from the fray, Harrow turns to Jimmy and tries to offer him some sage advice / tough love.  “You know, no matter what you do, he’ll never forgive you for everything you did,” he says, clearly referring to Nucky, and Jimmy’s newfound, almost compulsive need to make things right with him.

And how does Jimmy respond to his most loyal comrades eerily prophetic words?  “Let’s get some steak,” he says.

“I wouldn’t, if I were you!” 

It sure is good to see that Jimmy has his priorities straight.  I mean, you can’t eat when you’re dead, right?

Meanwhile, Nucky is meeting with that poopface, Angela-killer, Manny Horvitz, who is seeking the opportunity to kill his bitter rival, Waxy Gordon, in exchange for allowing Nucky to kill Jimmy.  Nucky doesn’t seem particularly interested.  At least . . . not at first . . .

“Might I instead interest you in a fresh cut of man meat?” 

After his meeting with Poopface, Nucky arrives home to find Dangerous Maid Katie, and Anonymous Maid helping Emily walk with her new braces.  He asks where Margaret has gone.  Dangerous Maid and Anonymous Maid don’t know.

But we do . . .

“Set yourself free.”

One thing I definitely won’t miss about Boardwalk Empire is that ugly ass hat Margaret’s been wearing, ever since she got enough money to afford it.  I HATE that hat!  You know what else is kind of annoying?  That self-assured, independent Margaret suddenly needs to consult her priest about every single decision she makes.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he also accompanies her to the bathroom . . .

“Fa-ther, should I wipe myself with my right hand, or my left?” 

So, Margaret ended up paying the federal prosecutor a visit, after all.  And she did so, with her trusty priest at her side.  That said, I found it a bit suspicious that the priest, of all people, seemed to be the one trying to convince Margaret not to speak.  This makes me wonder if Nucky has this guy in his back pocket too.  (Nucky’s back pocket is a crowded place, indeed.)

It was interesting seeing Margaret face off against Assistant D.A. Esther Randolph.  After all, in many ways these two women are alike: intelligent, strong, judgmental to a fault, and somewhat cold and aloof.  But they have vastly different value systems.  As a result, the strategies these two women use to succeed in the male-oriented world in which they live are diametrically opposed to one another . . .

Margaret attempts to engage Esther in conversation by asking her whether it was difficult to become a lawyer.  “Not if you are willing to do what it takes to achieve it,” replies Esther staunchly.

And yet, later she admits that it was, in fact, difficult for her to achieve.  Margaret has little trouble admitting to Esther that her first husband was a drunkard, who beat her and her children.  However, she becomes noticeably uncomfortable, when Esther notes how much better Margaret is doing for herself, now that her first husband is out of the way.  “He’s never been cruel to me,” Margaret says of Nucky, clearly already having doubts about the decision she’s made.

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“Though, admittedly, the sex leaves a bit to be desired . . .”

“But he’s been cruel to so many others,” Esther retorts.

“I’ve never seen it,” Margaret replies.

“But you know it to be true!”

The conversation really reaches its breaking point, when Esther suggests its wrong for Margaret to not testify against Nucky, because this would be better for her children.  “You would put their well being above all others?”  Esther asks.

Obviously for Margaret, as I suspect, for most mothers, the answer to that question is “yes.”  And this is where Esther loses Margaret.  Because of all the “sins” for which the latter feels guilty, protecting her children is definitely not one of them.  (At least, she’s not . . . you know . . . kissing their winkies  . . .or anything like that)

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 “Set yourself free,” Esther says, in a last ditch effort to convince Margaret to testify against her funny-looking gangster lover.  “You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel.”

And Margaret does end up “setting herself free,” by the end of the hour . . . just not in the way either Nucky Thompson or Esther Randolph would have expected . . .

Elsewhere, Nucky is meeting with his lawyer, who is instructing him that he needs to “take care” of the Margaret situation, before she ruins everything for him.  But could Nucky really murder his Margiepoo. . .

 . . . or does he have a more peaceful solution in mind?

“Let me make things right.”

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Jimmy Darmody is smoking by the window, and looking decidedly broken, beaten and bereft but still hot.   When Nucky’s car pulls up in his driveway, his first instinct is to grab a gun.  (It’s a good instinct.)  But Nucky’s new driver / Number 1 Henchman, Owen, a.k.a. Jimmy 2.0, also has a gun, and this prompts Jimmy to put his down.  (Though, if it were me, I would probably have the opposite response in this situation.

“You can wait outside.  It’s OK, I used to do your job,” says Jimmy, a statement that is equal parts friendly and patronizing.

You’re the reason I’m doing it now,” retorts Owen, as he reluctantly leaves the house.

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Touche, Sexypants!

Solemn and respectful, Jimmy pours his former father figure a drink, and proceeds to tell him about all his dearly departed family members, and who is responsible for each of their deaths, “To the Lost,” he toasts, holding his tumblr aloft.  (I smell an episode title!)

The conversation quickly turns to Jimmy’s father, and murder victim, the Commodore.  “I should have killed him the moment he suggested betraying you,” Jimmy admits “And I did kill him . . . it just happened to be a few episodes too late.”

Poor Jimmy . . . sexually molested by his mother .  . . this was clearly a man in need of a healthy parent-child relationship.  And you can’t help but feel bad for him, when he confides in Nucky that he was nearly brought to tears when the then-ailing Commodore once told him, “You’re a good son.”

“He was your father.  Nothing trumps family,” Nucky says, echoing Margaret’s sentiments from earlier in the episode.

In hindsight, this statement was a hefty little piece of foreshadowing.  But more on that, in a bit . . .  “What can I do?”  Jimmy pleads, seeking forgiveness from Nucky, as if the latter is his personal priest.

“Tell the truth,” Nucky exclaims.

“I was angry,” is all Jimmy can say in response.

He does manage to tell Nucky that the shooting was all Eli’s idea, which, of course, we know it was.  But whether Nucky truly believes this of his own personal Fredo, will surely be a topic of discussion, over the next few weeks  . . .

“Let’s make things right  .  . . as right as they can be,” Jimmy insists, finally.  “Tell me how to help you.”

I know how I can help you, Jimmy.  Here’s a little piece of advice:

“If there really is a god, would he have given me this mug?”

As big of a crock of sh*t as Nucky’s tail-between-his-legs, “I need you to marry me, so you can’t testify against me, due to spousal privilege . . . so I’m basically going to blow all this religious smoke up your ass that I don’t really give two craps about . . . but, hey, at least I’m not going to MURDER you . . . YAY!” speech to Margaret ended up being, it gave me a lot of respect for Steve Buscemi.  I mean, clearly, someone wrote that script with the actor in mind.  Especially since, from what I’ve heard, the real Enoch Johnson was quite the looker, back in the day . . .

My favorite people in the world are the ones who can laugh at themselves.  Obviously, Steve Buscemi is one of these people . . .

While Ugly Mug Nucky is trying to “make things right,” on his end, Jimmy is busy preparing for his future, or rather, his lack of one.  When the Late Commodore’s lawyer, Uncle Junior from The Sopranos, tells Jimmy that the bastard left all his wealth to the maid that may or may not have tried to poison him, Jimmy proceeds to RIP UP THE WILL, while Uncle Junior watches, secretly impressed.

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“I’m strangely aroused.”

Jimmy’s morbid inquiry as to whether his son will inherit the Commodore’s money when he dies, does give that baby f*&ker Gillian some pause.  But the big dollar signs in her eyes prevent her from giving the matter the attention that it deserves . . .

After disposing of the Commodore’s will, Jimmy meets with the alderman who will be testifying against Nucky, and politely asks them to recant their statements.  An offer they all, at least, initially refuse, though one of them, might end up being sorrier about that decision than the others . . .

Meanwhile, Margaret awakens to see Nucky helping Emily walk with her leg braces.  She’s so touched by the gesture that she ultimately agrees to marry Nucky, provided she can make a full confession to her good pal, the Priest first . . .  (See what I mean, about her consulting that guy about EVERYTHING!)

“Fa-ther, does marrying Nucky mean I can’t have delicious sex with Owen, anymore?” 

“Nahhhhh!” 

“I’ll take the ducks” 

The opening statement / wedding / murder montage was probably my favorite part of the entire episode, because it reminded me so much of the last twenty minutes of all three Godfather movies (even that super sh*tty third one), as well as some of my favorite Sopranos episodes.  The montage begins with a nervous, but fiercely determined, Esther Randolph practicing her opening statement against Nucky Thompson, in front of her bedroom mirror.

While she rehearses, her case slowly unravels, right before our eyes.  First we see Margaret give her confession, and marry Nucky, with Owen and Katie, of all people, as witnesses (AWK-WARD!)

As for Esther’s former star witness, Van Asshole, he’s taken his sweet little foreign nanny, and baby Abigail to Cicero, Illinois, where they will live as husband, wife and child, under the name “Mueller.”  (Wow!  I wonder what he told that Nanny to get her to agree to that?   Surely, the explanation didn’t involve the BAPTISM FROM HELL!)

Meanwhile, Jimmy and Harrow storm into the courthouse, like the bad asses they are, promptly securing seven recantments from all of the Alderman’s set to testify against Nucky . . . well make that six recantments, and one . . . SUICIDE NOTE.

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Should have said, “Yes,” the first time he asked you to recant, Neery!

At trial, Esther is both furious and humiliated by this recent turn of events.  The judge gives her two options, proceed with her now-joke of a trial against Nucky, or come back later, once she has her ducks in a row. “I’ll take the ducks,” replies Esther.

Good choice! 

Speaking of lame ducks, it’s not easy being a Friend of Fredo!  While Eli was released from jail, immediately after the trial, it was the beaten-up and extremely pathetic-looking Deputy Halloran, who ended up taking the fall for him.  (And I mean that, literally.  The guy could barely stand up straight.)

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 Deputy, something tells me you will be “sitting there” for a looooooong time.

“Et tu, Eli?”

Oh, Eli!  You’re so lucky to have a brother like Nucky.  Not only does he let you get off, more or less, scot-free for TRYING TO HAVE HIM KILLED, he also provides you with valuable lessons on classical literature . . .

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A true expert at trying to save his own ass, the fact that Eli tells Nucky that he wasn’t the one behind Eli’s attempted murder is not surprising.  What is surprising is that Nucky actually believes him.  Or does he?  You recall that earlier in the episode, Nucky told Jimmy that there is nothing more important than the bonds of family . . . that blood is thicker than water.  So, perhaps, it was ultimately that rationale, which prompted Nucky to choose his blood bag brother, Eli, over his watery-eyed erstwhile protege, Jimmy.

In the scene that follows this one, Nucky calls Arnold Rothstein, while the latter is discussing heroine with Meyer and Lucky.  He asks Rothstein, though not in so many words, whether he would care if Nucky wacked Manny Horvitz.  In response, Lucky and Meyer snicker, which, is more or less what these two massively underused characters have been doing all season . . . snickering . . . at everything.

(They’re still kind of sexy though.)

Rothstein pragmatically replies that he has no opinion, one way or the other.  But he does offer Nucky some sage advice, “Flip a coin, when it’s in the air, you’ll know which side you’re hoping for.”

On it’s surface, it seems as though the statement is referring to whether or not Nucky should kill Manny.  But in hindsight, it seems more like Nucky is trying to decide whether to kill his own brother, or Jimmy.  After all, Rothstein’s statement sounds surprisingly similar to the one Jimmy uttered to Nucky, right before the latter was shot.  “It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong, as long as you make a decision.”

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Nucky might know that it’s wrong to trust Eli over Jimmy.  But, rest assured, when that coin is up in the air, he’s hoping his brother’s side comes out on top . . .

Speaking of Jimmy . . .

“It’s time for you to come home.”

There’s a definite wistul nostalgia surrounding Jimmy, when he takes his son out for a pony ride, and regales him with stories from some of the brighter moments of his childhood.   Jimmy probably never expected to be a father as soon as he was, and he wasn’t a perfect one, by any means.  But it was always clear that he loved little Tommy deeply, and raised him the best way he knew how . . .

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When Jimmy gives Tommy his dog tags, it certainly feels like he’s saying goodbye to his son, forever.  And when Tommy immediately selects the solider hat, over the cowboy hat to wear while riding the pony,  Jimmy is both proud of him, and afraid for him, at the same time.  Though, if I was Jimmy, I’d be much more afraid of leaving him with that wackadoo mother of his, than about his possibly dressing up like an army man for Halloween.

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Back at home, Jimmy and Harrow are drunkenly reminiscing about their days as soldiers in the war, an experience that broke them both beyond repair, and yet, at the same time, bonded them for life.  Harrow admits that being at war was the only time that Harrow truly felt like he belonged, and that sometimes he feels like he’s still at war . . .

To this, Jimmy responds, by giving himself a sage piece of advice that, had he himself, been able to follow it, his life might have been very different, indeed . . .

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Giving Richard permission to “come home from war,” is Jimmy’s first parting gift to Richard.  His second may very well be the gift of life.  When Nucky calls the house, instructing Jimmy to meet him in a remote area, at night, in the rain, Harrow offers to go in his place, or, at least, accompany him.   But Jimmy refuses the offer, telling Richard that, “This is something I’ve gotta do myself.”

When Jimmy leaves out the back door, so as to prevent his mother and child from knowing where he is going, Richard knows for certain that he’s never coming back.  In a way, he knew it the minute he told Jimmy that Nucky would never forgive him for the crimes the former perpetrated against him . . .

 

And when Gillian finds the dog tags around her grandson’s neck, she knows it too.  “You’re going to be an important man, some day . . . just like your father,” Gillian says to Little Tommy.  (For Tommy’s sake, I sure hope not . . .)

“I’m not seeking forgiveness.”

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Jimmy arrives at the meeting spot, unarmed, and ready to die.  He is not the least bit surprised to Eli, Nucky, Owen, Manny, and a couple of random goons with guns lying in wait for him.   “I died back in the trenches,” Jimmy admits.

He no longer fears death.  In fact, he may even welcome it, or feel like he deserves it.  And when Jimmy learns that Nucky will be the one to kill him, he seems almost proud of that fact, as if taking the final bullet from anyone else would be an insult.  It sort of reminds me of how Tony killed his cousin (also played by Buscemi) in cold blood, because he didn’t want anyone else to get the chance.  In an odd way, Jimmy himself predicted this, when he made this bold statement to Nucky toward the end of the first season . .  .

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If it wasn’t so slit-your-wrist depressing, it would be almost comedic how Jimmy seems to be coaching Nucky in the art of murdering him.  “Just breathe, Nucky.  You’ll get through this,” he says.  “The only person left to judge you as you.”

But Nucky doesn’t seem to find this advice helpful at all.  In fact, it only makes him madder . . .

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For a second there, when Jimmy started gurgling, and coughing up blood, still clearly alive, having not been shot in the head, but, rather, in the mouth  (He DID tell you to breathe, Nucky!  Maybe, if you did, you would have been more efficient.), I actually got all excited, thinking my guy might just make it through this, after all.

But . . . then he shot him in the head . . . and that was the end of that.

“He’s reenlisting.”

As awful as it was to see Jimmy ripped from this world, and this show, the fact that Nucky was so smug about it the next morning, at the breakfast table with Margaret made it ten times worse.  Talk about embracing your gangster side!  But when Nucky announces that the reason he was out in the rain in the middle of the night was because, “Jimmy decided to reenlist,” Margaret finally figures out that all the religious bullcrap he laid on her to get her to marry him, was just a bunch of lies . . .

But it seems Margaret might be the one having the last laugh.  Remember when Nucky signed all his property, including that massive land mass on which he wanted to build a major money making road to Atlantic City?  Well, Margaret just signed away her rights to it . . . and deeded them over to . . . wait for it . . . THE CHURCH!

It looks like this kitty just got claws . . . make that a machine gun.

Somewhere in Heaven(?) Jimmy Darmody just gave Margaret Schroeder a big ole’ high five . . .

And that was season 2 of Boardwalk Empire in a nutshell.  But here’s my question: where do we go from here?  After all, Jimmy Darmody was just as much an anchor to this show for two seasons as Nucky Thompson.  Is Steve Buscemi strong enough, or likeable enough to carry this show on his own?  Do any of the pre-existing characters have the charisma or the fan support necessary to take Jimmy’s place?

For the show’s head writer, Terence Winter’s take on this, feel free to check out this interesting, if a bit frustrating, interview from Entertainment WeeklyAlso, check out this “scandalous” article on TVline.com, which not-so-subtly alludes to a possible less-than-kosher reason why the writers might have decided to axe the Darmody character.   As for me, I’m going to hold my tongue, and save my most opinionated rhetoric for the comment section (should anyone decide to comment ;)).  For now, I leave you with an absolutely hilarious musical number from that dude that used to play Agent Sebso on the show.  Seriously, he’s AWESOME!

Hey, Erik Weiner, if you’re reading this, CALL ME! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“Timing has never been our strong suit.” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Mid-Season Finale “Riding in Town Cars with Boys”

[A Note about the Gleecap for “Hold on to Sixteen.”  It’s on it’s way, I PROMISE.  Be on the lookout for it later this evening, December 8th.  Sorry for being so very late! 😦  It’s been a crazy couple of days . . .]

“Hey Blair, I have an idea.  Why don’t we NOT get in that death trap of a town car, and have sex right here instead?  I mean, I love Limo Sex as much as the next guy.  But, if you don’t mind, I’d REALLY rather not spend yet ANOTHER hiatus in a coma.”

Hey there, Upper East Siders (and assorted Brooklynites)!  How are you guys doing?  Are you holding up OK, after this week’s episode?

MONKEY: “Where’s my Chuck?  I need to make a pee-pee!” 

Because, I’m not . . .

Case in point:  The title of this recap was originally: YOU LEAVE MY CHUCK BASS ALONE, YOU MEAN OLD GG WRITERS!

However, I thought that might be a bit spoilery, for those who hadn’t seen the episode yet, and were just innocently happening by this blog . . . so, I abstained.  But seriously, they’ve really gotta stop trying to murder our BASS!  Haven’t we been here before . . . like, say, about two seasons ago?

“Why is Josh Schwartz always picking on me?”

OK . . . OK . . . I know they probably aren’t going to kill him.  But still, I have a right to be perturbed, don’t I . . . ESPECIALLY AS A CHAIR FAN?

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But, as usual, I’m getting way ahead of myself here.  So, let’s rewind a bit, shall we?  The title of this recap comes from something Chuck said to Blair, during a very pivotal scene in this episode.  And of course, it goes without saying, that it describes Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, over the past five years, to a tee . . .

But it also describes the various situations in which many of our other GG characters found themselves, this week.  Like for example, Donut Dan, who chose the WORST MOMENT EVER to decide to come clean to a clearly distraught Blair about his feelings for her . . .

 . . . and Serena, who chose the WORST POSSIBLE TIME in the season to decide she wants Dan back . . .

“Wait for Meeeeeee!  I want to go to Brooklyn and eat pizza too!  Unless it has carbs . . . Is there such a thing as carb-free pizza?” 

 . . . and Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, who decided to confess her true identity, at the exact moment when nobody really gave a sh*t.  (Come to think of it, her timing is actually kind of brilliant, when you think about it.)

*insert evil laugh here*

 .  . . and finally, there’s Nate, who chose the WRONG TIME to piss off a suddenly evil politician / relative, not to mention the WRONG TOWN CAR . . .

Let’s start at the beginning . . .

Chuck is aroused.   Blair is bloated.  And both Dan and Serena are in need of a hairbrush . . .

The episode begins, fittingly enough, on the Upper East Side, around breakfast time.  Bromantic Buddies, Chuck and Nate, are drinking coffee and flirting with eachother, as they sometimes do.  Chuck admits, out loud, to Nate that the fact that the latter canceled a date with Mayor Bloomberg aroused him.  (At which point, I admitted, out loud, to myself that Chuck aroused ME, when he said the word “aroused.”  That voice . . . it’s pure sex, I tell you.)

Did I mention that Nate’s a “hard-hitting journalist,” now?  Well, they’ve got the “hard” part right.

“Yee-HAW!” 

Oh, GG!  How you slay me with your unintentional humor!

Anywhoo, Nate is super jealous that Chuck is reading a rival tabloid newspaper.  He wonders whether his boy toy is cheating on him with The Star or The National Enquirer.  Fortunately, Chuck is doing no such thing.  He’s simply reading about the love of his life / soulmate . . .  and how she may be throwing out that cyborg fiance of hers, along with a vacuum clear, a toaster, and various other appliances that no longer work, and, therefore, need to be replaced . . .

And how is Chuck taking this news, you ask?

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He doesn’t care.  Nope, not at all . . . not in the least bit.

After all, tabloids are for old ladies who collect ceramic cats.  (Sorry Nate .  . . and cats.)

And Blair would never really leave the robot father of her baby, WOULD SHE?

Speaking of Blair, it seems she’s finally gaining that baby weight we’ve all heard so much about.  Now, her fingers are like kielbasas (says Dorota), and she can’t fit into Louis-bot’s RING OF DOOM.  (Don’t worry Blair, I suspect there’s a ring sitting on the steps of Harry Winston that will fit MUCH BETTER.)

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Of course, Blair can’t LEAVE the house, now.  After all, if the paparazzi see her without her ring, they will be ALL OVER HER . . . kind of like this . . .

She also can’t take Dorota’s advice, i.e. say to Louis-bot, “Bippity Bobbity Boo, I will never leave you . . .”

Because . . . well, everyone who watches GG knows THAT’S A LIE . . .

Eventually, the paparazzi end up getting INTO Blair’s house, and snapping a picture of her, without her ring, ANYWAY.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  And Blair decides to go to the one place, where even the sleaziest of reporters wouldn’t dare follow her . . . Humpty Humphrey’s apartment.

Yes, I know, Dan.  You did something kind of awesome for my ship, this week.  So, I should really be nicer to you, at least in the context of this particular recap.  And I’m going to try . . .  really I am.  But I still think you have stupid Fozzie Bear hair . . .

Just sayin . . .

Speaking of the Donut, he starts the episode at the VDW house, bragging about the reprinting of his Dair fanfiction book, and griping about the TRAUMA of having to pen an Author’s Note Afterword, about how much has changed in his life, since he wrote it . . . you know, about three weeks ago.

“Dan fondled Blair’s heaving melons, while riding her like a pony.  She screamed for joy at how bi . . . oh wait, you mean that’s NOT what you’re supposed to write in an Afterword?”

Since Dan and Serena are so often the targets of derision for snarkier, more quick-witted, characters — like Chuck and Blair — it was kind of refreshing to see them be so adept at making fun of eachother, for a change.

“Are you pretending that cup you are drinking from is Blair?  Because, I’m pretending that this piece of fruit I’m about to eat is YOU.” 

For example, I got a hearty laugh out of Dan’s astute observation that the probable reason that Serena was so attracted to Max McPoorPerson was that he’s a total nutbar, much like ALL of her other ex-boyfriends.

“Oh, wait . . . I dated Serena too.  Whoops!’ 

This brother / sister banter / flirt session is interrupted briefly by some boring talk about Faux Charlie’s debutante ball, but continues later in Serena’s bedroom.  (wink, wink).

Derena fanfiction starts here  .  . . 

S and Humpty Humphrey both apologize for saying entirely truthful things to eachother in the kitchen.  Then, Serena tells Dan that he should write his Afterword about how much his Dair fanfiction has changed everyone’s lives for the better . . . everyone that is except Serena and Dan (and their hair).

Dan continues this journey of self-introspection and navel gazing with Papa Rufus, who suggests that Dan “change,” by telling Blair that he has feelings for her.  I don’t know, wouldn’t it be easier for him to just buy a new shirt, or something?  (Because, I’m REALLY getting tired of all that plaid . . .)

That’s better . . . 

Confessions, Epiphanies, and Pizza .  . . 

Meanwhile, Tripp pays Nate a visit.  The scummy politician and Serena’s erstwhile boy toy becomes super jealous, when he learns that Grandpa invited Nate to a Fancy Party for Rich Old People, and Tripp was not invited.

“Whaaaa . . .  but I LOVE RICH OLD PEOPLE!  They always have the best drugs.  It’s not fairrrrrr!” 

Pouty Tripp takes this opportunity to drop TWO bomb shells on Nate.

Bomb Shell # 1 – Grandpa was behind the whole Campaign Leak thingy, from last week.

Bomb Shell #2 – Grandpa was behind getting Nate his cushy job at That Random Trashy Tabloid Paper, he now runs.

Seriously?  Those have to be the lamest bombshells ever.  EVERYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN KNEW ALL THAT . . .

Well . . . almost everybody. 

Nate confronts his Grandpoppy with all this NEW and SHOCKING information.  And Pops basically says, “Yeah . . . obviously, I did all that!  You think you’d actually be able to get a job like this (lame as it may be) by YOURSELF?  You’re still in college, sweet cheeks.  And nobody has ever even seen you attend a class.”

“By the way, Nate, since we are on the subject . . . I hate to tell you this, but the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny aren’t real either.” 

Then, Grandpa tries to butter up Nate, by telling him that HE (not TRIPP)  is now being  groomed to lead “the Archibald / Vanderbilt family” into its bright, filthy rich, future .  . . Heaven help them all.  But Nate’s not buying it.  And he doesn’t want to go to that stupid Old Person Party, either!  Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Grandpoopy!

Then, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena finds Nate looking sad.  So, she gives him some pep talk about “being the person you want to be,” or some crap like that.  Of course, if anyone knows about “being who you want to be,” it’s the Army Little Miss Multiple Personality Disorder, herself.

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Oddly enough, it’s THIS speech, that ultimately changes Nate’s mind, and allows him to accept his destiny as . . . the kind of guy who goes to Rich Old People Parties . . .

Honestly, I just really like this picture, even though it has no relevance, whatsoever to what I just typed. 

Speaking of Faux Charlie, Max McPoorPerson is still on her tail, begging for money, and telling anyone who WON’T listen, what a fraud she is, in hopes that he can sell her torrid story to the tabloids for some big bucks.   But McPoorPerson finally strikes it “rich,” when he overhears Grandpoopy telling Tripp (in public, of course), that Nate’s the new FAMILY FAVORITE PET, not him.  McPoorPerson then approaches, McUsedtoBeImportant, and they decide to help one another out . . .

MWAH-HA-HA!  I’ve McGot you now, Faux-Charlie!” 

Elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Serena is reading old Gossip Girl posts.   Somehow, they convince her to fall in love with Dan again . . .  basically, because he’s slightly less of a tool / manwhore than 98% of the other guy’s she’s dated in her lifetime.

Of course, she’s about half a season too late, considering Dan’s just decided he’s in love with Blair.  WHOOPS!  So, much for making “better romantic choices.”  I don’t know, Serena.  If you want love that badly, perhaps, you should consider getting a pet.  You can’t have sex with it, but, if you’re extra nice, it WILL lick your face, on occasion.  Hey, it worked for Chuck . . .

Sorry, Monkey.  That comment wasn’t intended to imply anything un-kosher between you and Chuck.  I’m just trying to help! 

Around this time, Dan and Blair are in Brooklyn, eating pizza that makes Dan smell like onions.  Blair admits to Dan how lost she is feeling over the whole “I really love Chuck, but the father of my child is a robot with poor language skills” issue.  Dan suggests that Blair still has a choice as to which man she wants in her life (the Robot or the Dark Knight).  He also lets her know that not all men consider Robot Babies a dealbreaker, in a relationship . . .

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Dan’s words give Blair hope . . . or, if not hope, at least the strength to fight for her own happiness, and the happiness of her child.  She calls Chuck.

Dan’s right.  (I can’t believe I actually typed those two words.)   There is definitely a kind of force field / psychic connection between Chuck and Blair.  You can feel the tension between them, from the moment Chuck picks up the phone.  The heartache . . . the history . . . the undying devotion . . . the immense magnitude of their love for eachother .  . . it’s all there, in every word exchanged, and in each subtle gesture.

You can feel their pain, even as they try to joke blithely about how Blair somehow keeps ending up in Brooklyn.   “This isn’t something Humphrey can help you with?”  Chuck asks, feigning ambivalence.

“No . . . only you,” Blair replies resolutely, her voice breaking as she speaks.  “Do you think you could love another man’s child?”

Chuck pauses, having heard the words he’s undoubtedly dreamed of Blair saying, ever since he first found out she was pregnant with Louis-bot’s spawn.

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And yet, something is stopping him from telling her what she wants to hear.  Chuck wants so badly to prove to himself that he is the good man that Blair needs him to be, even if being that person means breaking both of their hearts.  “I can’t imagine it would be a mistake to marry the father of your child,” he ultimately says, sounding broken and defeated.

Of course, Blair is devastated.  The two hang up the phone, at the same time, the air thick with the volumes of words unsaid between them.

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Dammit, now my recap is all wet with tears .  . .

Outside the apartment, Dan is on the phone with Serena.  She called him, as soon as she saw the Gossip Girl blast that Blair was in Brooklyn.  As it turns out, she’s super jealous  concerned that Dan is going to make Blair even more miserable, and confused than she already is, by telling her HE’S in love with her too.  Since, at this point in the game, Dan has plans to do precisely that, he basically tells Serena, to shut the eff up, and leave him to his fanfiction . . .

“Ooh, Serena . . . I have to call you back.  Brooklyn has really bad cell phone reception.  *blows into the phone and makes crackling noises* I  . . . think I’m losing you.”

Cue the entrance of Louis-bot, randomly, into La Casa de VDW.  “I jes woennn Blayerrr bick,” says Mr. Roboto.  (a.k.a. “I just want Blair back.”)  Bizarrely enough, Serena decides she actually wants to help Louis accomplish this task . . .

However, her reasons for doing this might be less than altruistic.  OBVIOUSLY!  In other words, I know strongly suspect that the only reason Serena wants Louis-bot to score with Blair, is to prevent Dan from scoring with Blair, so SERENA can score with Dan.  Get it?

As it turns out, Serena needn’t have bothered with the cyborg.  All it takes is for Dan to see the look on Blair’s face, after her phone call with Chuck.  In an instant, he knows exactly who Blair loves, and what he needs to do about it.  “I think I know how to make you happy,” says Dan.

And you know what?  In this case . . . he absolutely DOES!

Wow, I sure am giving Humpty Humphrey a lot of compliments, this week.   Clearly, we  must have stepped into some sort of alternate universe . . .

While Dan is comforting Blair, Lily is doing the same for Chuck, who — let’s be honest — she always seemed to like a whole lot more than her own daughter . . .  (How could she not?  He’s CHUCK FRIGGIN BASS!)

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Lily tells Chuck that she hopes that he gets the opportunity to feel that kind of unconditional love for someone else, someday.  And, of course, we all know, that he has already succeeded in that . . .

“You should be with me”

It’s time for Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s “coming out” party.  I bet you forgot about that, because I sure did.  Serena is there giving Louis-bot directions to Blair’s house.  But by the time Louis-3PO gets there, Chuck is there too.

The only problem, of course, is that BLAIR isn’t there.   She ran off SOMEWHERE  . . . with Dan?

“Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?’

In the next scene, we see Dan bringing a blindfolded Blair to a room that’s pretty much the BIGGEST FIRE HAZARD ever.  No wonder Blair thinks she’s been brought to a human sacrifice!

I think I read a fanfiction that started like this once . . . Oh yeah.  It was called “Inside,” and written by a guy named Dan Humphrey.

But what Dan has for Blair is WAYYYY better than a human sacrifice (not to mention, less messy).  It’s THIS GUY . . .

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 Yippee!  This is the moment we’ve been waiting all season for.  Get ready to let your inner fangirl go wild . . .

There’s so much I loved about this scene.  First and foremost, I adored the way that Chuck included Blair’s baby in their romantic discussion, thereby cementing the threesome as a family unit.  I also cheered when, after a season of hearing Chuck be politically correct about Blair’s relationship with Louis-bot, he FINALLY got up the courage to tell his Queen B that she belonged with HIM, not some stupid cyborg . . .

I loved Blair’s dig at Chuck’s poorly executed “unselfish” behavior, during their earlier phone conversation . . . and the cute guilty grin on Chuck’s face, when he admitted that “timing [had] never been [the couple’s] strong suit.”  But, I think most of all, I loved THIS . . .

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Meanwhile, at the lame debutante ball that no one really cares about, Faux-Charlie begins to fear that Max McPoorPerson might end up crashing her party, and selling her story to the tabloids.  So, when she learns that Chuck and Blair are reuniting with one another, literally right down the hall, she quickly leaks the intel to Gossip Girl, like the asshat she is!

Also at the party,  is Serena, who, upon learning what Dan did for Chuck and Blair, has a sweet heart -to-heart with the sad sacrificial jelly donut, during which she seems to fall deeper in love with him than before . . . Unfortunately, Dan’s way too depressed to notice . . .

“Wait . . . LET ME LOVE YOU, DAN!  (I’ve been disease free for three whole days now.)” 

Back in Chairytale land, Nate has conveniently stopped by, on the way to that Rich Old People Party, to put Chuck and Blair in a getaway car . . . the problem is . . . it’s the WRONG getaway car, as in the one that McPoorPerson and Tripp butchered, so Nate couldn’t get to the Rich Old People Party is randomly leaking gasoline all over the parking lot . . .

In the backseat with Chuck and Blair, we get a few more minutes of bliss, as the two lovers (and baby makes three) plot their escape from the evil Louis-bot, and vow to begin their new lives together, ASAP. But, first, some sexy kisses . . .

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 . . .and some sweet heartfelt words, are exchanged between the two . . .

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Nate is in the car behind them.  He, of course, doesn’t think much of the fact that his driver believes  he’s supposed to take him back to the Upper East Side (where Chuck and Blair were planning to go), and not to the airport . . . where he was originally headed.  In Nate’s defense, he’s a bit distracted by shiny objects by the evil paparazzi on motorcycles, who are aggressively surrounding Chuck’s and Blair’s limo, in an eerie (and not particularly tasteful) reminder of Princess Diana’s untimely demise.

Back at the party, Faux Charlie gets a call from Max McPoorPerson, in which he unexpectedly explains that he is now Max McSortofWealthy, and is, therefore, leaving town.

Huh?  But what about REVENGE? Isn’t that why McPoorPerson decided to stay, in the first place.  I thought the money thing was just an added bonus.  Didn’t you? 

At first, there doesn’t seem to be any connection between what’s going on in the town cars, and this phone call.  But then, Blair’s and Chuck’s limo gets run off the road by the paparazzi .  . . we remember that it was leaking oil, not too long ago . . . and that Nate was supposed to be inside.  Then, we remember McPoorPerson agreeing to help Tripp with his Granpoppy situation.  And, suddenly, everything starts making a whole lot of tragic sense . . .

(By the way, for those of you who were wondering, Florence and the Machine’s “Heartlines” was the song playing during the scene leading up to the crash.) 

The final moments of the episode, take place at the hospital.  A furious Serena vows to take down Gossip Girl, for basically setting the paparazzi on Blair and Chuck, in the first place, and causing this mess.  Faux-Charlie, who, of course, actually made the call to Gossip Girl, begins to feel incredibly guilty.  This prompts her to tearfully come clean to Rufus about her identity (though I’m sure given all that’s going on, he barely registers the confession), and leave town, possibly until the hiatus is over for good.

I bet you are REALLY wishing someone would call you Serena now, aren’t you Charlie?

In a heartbreaking (not to mention, HORRIBLE) cliffhanger, we learn from Lily that, while Blair is awake and responsive, Chuck is in critical condition . . .

And while our eyes are too blurry with tears to comprehend any more information, we see Cougar Lady, Diana, receiving a call from Jack Bass, instructing her to return to New York .  . . you know  . . . because Chuck was in an accident . . . and because she’s clearly HIS LONG LOST MOM!

Not depressing enough for you?  Check out the trailer for the first, post-hiatus episode . . .

I end this recap with Blair’s memorable and poignant words from the promo posted above: “Let [Chuck] live.”  For the record, there is no doubt in my mind that he will do just that.  After all, Chuck Bass is immortal. 🙂

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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BAD MOMMY! – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Under God’s Power She Flourishes”

[Hey Gossip Girl fans, be sure to check back here, tomorrow evening (December 6th) for a recap of the mid-season finale episode, “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.”  Thanks for your patience!]

OK, Michael Pitt . . . the good news is that you get to have sex with the beautiful Gretchen Mol on cable television  (you know, where they can actually show all the dirty stuff) The bad news is, she plays YOUR MOTHER . . .

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Want to know who’s probably not getting a Mother’s Day card, this year?  THIS LADY . . .

 Happy Motherf*&ker’s Day?

We’ve all that suspected something more than a bit un-kosher was going on between Gillian Darmody and her son, Jimmy.  But man . . . there was just something about seeing it up close and personal that really did a number on my retinas, you know?

Personally, I think the fact that the characters are played by two extremely attractive actors, who, in real life, aren’t all that far apart in age, made the whole thing so much worse.  Because, in any other situation, that scene would have actually been kind of hot . . .

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  Though it’s quite hard to believe, there were actually other things that went on in this episode.  Let’s talk about them briefly, before we get to the main event.  Shall we?

Run, Van Alden, RUN!

So, it turns out, Van Alden’s parents were part of one of those creepy religious cults that make you sell all your worldly belongings, in preparation for The Armageddon . . .

 (Holy crap!  Until I uploaded this poster, I had no clue that Steve Buscemi was actually in Armageddon.  Is it A SIGN?)

So, Van Alden was actually spawned by religious nutbars.  It’s a wonder he turned out so normal, right?

So, remember back in Season 1, when Van A$$hat was all in luuuuuuuuve with Margaret Schroeder . . . so much in love, in fact, that he wanted nothing more — after a long hard day of busting up liquor joints — than to look at a picture of her at age 16, and . . . um. . . WHACK OFF?  (See image above.)  Well, Van Alden is going to hope you forget that little tidbit of info.  Because, when asked by the Federal Prosecutor about his “opinion” of Ms. Schroeder, he claims to have formed none, one way or the other.  Poor Margaret!  I guess Van Asshole is “just not that into you” anymore . . .

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I know, you’re all torn up about it.  But try to stay strong . . .

Van Alden may be becoming more discerning about the people with whom he wants to slap himself silly spend his spare time.  However, plenty of folks want a piece of him, this week.  We’ve got his baby nanny telling him that he’s a “good person,” in one scene. And that Human Punching Bag with the Woody Woodpecker voice, Mickey, trying to  strike a clandestine deal with him in another.

“Just another day at the office, HEHEHEHEHEE, OWWWW!” 

Speaking of Mickey, his cuts and bruises from the past two weeks, seem to have healed rather quickly.  Unfortunately, it’s done nothing to earn him any respect among his hoodlum peers.  Thrown off a balcony by Jimmy, strangled by Manny, and virtually cut out of liquor deal by Capone, Luciano and Lansky, Mickey seems willing to do anything to get back whatever little manhood he has left . . . even if that means ratting out the rest of his crew to Van Alden, in exchange for both men partaking in a $150,000 a piece.

Van Alden ultimately turns down the deal.  But something tells me, by the end of the episode, he’s going to wish he took it.  After all, $150,000 can buy you and your bastard child a WHOLE LOTTA LEMONS . . . especially when you’re ON THE LAM.

But Van Alden’s creepy crush on Margaret, and sticky fingers’ tendency to steal cash while on the job, aren’t the only secrets that come back to haunt him, this week.  Remember the BAPTISM FROM HELL?

THIS GUY does . .  .

Or, at least, he would, if VAN ALDEN HADN’T DROWNED HIM, IN FRONT OF A WHOLE CHURCH’S WORTH OF PEOPLE.  Coincidentally, one of the people who watched this take place, just so happens to be one of Nucky’s employees.  And this employee is more than happy to turn this information over to Nucky, to show him gratitude for keeping him employed during the strike.

At least HE won’t be getting whacked for Christmas . . . 

Nucky’s newer, younger, smarter attorney is quick to pounce on this information.  He gleefully turns it over to the Feds, even going so far as to dig Sebso’s clothing out of the water.  (Talk about going above and beyond the call of duty!)

In an oddly hilarious turn of events, Van Alden arrives at work, only to be confronted with his crime, and arrested on the spot (just about a year too late).  When cornered, the doofus shoots the Assistant Prosecutor in the tummy, and dashes off awkwardly, like a tubby kid being pelted by dodgeballs.

I knew I should have began an exercise regimen . . .

Somewhere in heaven, Agent Sebso is pumping his fist in triumph, not to mention laughing his ass off . . .

“Who have you cheated on?”

Don’t mess with CRAZY EYES!

In what was probably the most annoying storyline of the evening except for that scene with OWEN, TV Recapper likes Owen . . . A LOT!, Margaret continued her lame attempts to “save” Nucky, by helping him find religion, just as she found it, two episodes ago.  (Maybe Margaret has more in common with Van Alden and his parents than we thought.)

If the ugly hat fits . . . 

Call me a sap, but I actually really liked the Priest’s story about the people in Heaven who all fed eachother with their abnormally large spoons.  I thought it was adorable.  And yet, Nucky’s inquiry as to why the people in Hell couldn’t just hold the spoons differently, so they could feed themselves, also made a lot of good sense to me.  (Actually, I would say they all should just eat with their fingers.  Spoons are overrated, anyway.)

Nucky Thompson personally invites you to take your abnormally large spoon, and shove it up your . . . lobster.

Speaking of spoons, Margaret might be wishing she thought twice before spooning with Sexy Owen, especially, now that Dangerous Maid Katie seems wise to their “one-time” indiscretion.

 “So, tell me Margie, was he as good for you, as he was for me?”

It all started when Owen offered Margaret a helping hand with little Emily’s polio braces.  (As Owen knows full well, when trying to get back into a woman’s panties, it’s always helpful to remind her how “handy” you are.)

“Do you think about me?  Because I think about you,” Owen admits, in a confession that is equal parts oddly romantic, and shamelessly flirtatious.

“I have a big gun, and I’m not afraid to use it.”

When Margaret patronizes her former sex buddy, by telling him she will “pray he gains the strength not to think about her.”  The cocky, confident Owen is unfazed, cheekily responding that, if she prays for him, she WILL be thinking about him.  Katie overhears this, and stalks off, undoubtedly to write in her diary about two-timing poopyhead scoundrels who’s names start with “O” and end with “wen.”

“Can I, perhaps, interest either of you in a threesome?’ 

Later that night, Margaret is drinking hard liquor, all in a snit, because she’s been subpoenaed by the Feds on account of that whole “Nucky had her drunk abusive husband killed” thing.  She starts rambling on to Nucky about how the two of them are living their lives in sin, and blah, blah, blah.  But things start to get messy, when Margaret decides to use Nucky as an impromptu Priest, randomly confessing to him that she has stolen, deceived, and cheated.

Nucky’s no dummy.  So, he inquires as to the specific circumstances behind each of the aforementioned sins.  Interestingly enough, Nucky barely reacts to the realization that Margaret has stolen money from him.  (Why not?  Everybody else does.)  He also fails to react to Margaret’s silly non-confession that she has “deceived anyone who has ever thought of her as a good person.”

But things get interesting, when Nucky asks Margaret who she cheated on.  There have been a few instances, throughout this season, where Nucky seemed to somehow know of Margaret’s X-rated rendezvous with Owen.  And this was just one more telltale scene to add to the pile.  “Just say it,” Nucky challenges, as if already anticipating her response.

How could you possibly want more than THIS? 

However, Margaret has conveniently decided she’s done confessing her sins today.  Instead, she turns the tables on Nucky, blatantly accusing him of having her husband killed, and basically threatening to testify against Nucky in court.  Mind you, this is AFTER Nucky pretty much told Margaret that if he ever went to jail, he’d make sure she got all of his assets, to be spent on her and her two children, one of whom HAS POLIO.  I mean, being ungrateful and self-righteous is one thing, but being stupid is quite another.

“I gave you everything,” exclaims Nucky, before stalking out of the room, seeming more hurt than angry, at his lover’s surprise betrayal.

Hey Margaret, Nucky’s feeding you with his BIG SPOON.  You’d be wise to fill your mouth with food and keep quiet . . .

And now, the storyline you’ve all been waiting for . . . TV Recappers Anonymous proudly presents to you, Oedipus Darmody: Atlantic City Edition . . .

“One day soon, he won’t be a little boy, anymore.”

When we last left our antihero, Jimmy he was headed to his alma mater, Princeton, the school whose motto is the title for this episode.  Jimmy had big plans for Princeton . .  . plans that involved unloading a carload of heroine and some quality booze on a bunch of wealthy Ivy Leaguers.  (That Jimmy . . . always giving back.)  Then, those plans got shot to Heaven . . . literally, when his wife and her lover both met the business end of Manny Horvitz’s gun, all on account of Jimmy’s unpaid debt.

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Now, all that lovely white powder is up Jimmy’s nose, instead of in some smart kid’s pocket..  Now, he’s hallucinating / remembering those good ole days .  . . you know, back when he was in Princeton, the place where he met his wife-to-be, and, f*&ked his mother for this first time.  Ahhh memories . . .

Things started out pretty well for Princeton Jimmy, actually.  He had a cute waitress girlfriend, who drew pictures of him while he slept, and even liked his floppy hair.

He was also the teacher’s pet in his Dead Poet’s Society-esque English class, which was taught by a teacher who was significantly less hairy than Robin Williams.  Some of his pals from that class were enlisting in the army, because they had brothers who died on the Lusitania.  But not Jimmy.  Jimmy could care less about sticking it to the Kaiser.  After all, he’s from the A.C., and soldiering is just not how they roll down there . . .

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Then, we find out that Angela’s pregnant.  And we think . . . uh oh . . . here comes the CRAZY JIMMY we know and love.  But actually . . . he’s TOTALLY COOL WITH IT.  She’s a nice girl.  He figures they’ll get married, move back to A.C. together, pop out a few puppies, and most certainly NOT involve themselves with sapphic adulterous relationships, or organized crime.  NO SIR, not these two good kids.

But then . . . MOM COMES TO VISIT!  *insert horror movie scream*

She begins her reign of terror, by liquoring our boy Jimmy up, even though he has a PAPER TO WRITE!

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Then, she patronizes his girlfriend!

Then, she goes to his school mixer and hits on all his friends, and his DEAD POET’S SOCIETY TEACHER!

“Hey, Professor.  Look how high I can lift my leg.  Do I get an A?” 

Next, she gets fondled / possibly raped by that same Dead Poet’s Society Teacher.  (Robin Williams wouldn’t do that!)  This causes a weirdly jealous Jimmy to kick the sh*t out of not-Robin Williams, thereby facing possible expulsion from Princeton.

Oh, but it gets worse.  Mama Darmody proceeds to get herself wasted.  So, she stumbles back to Jimmy’s dorm room, requests his help undressing, falls into bed with him and . . . HAS SEX WITH HIM, while the train passes by.

 

(And based on the sound that train made, you could tell it was just as disgusted as we were!)

“There’s nothing wrong with this,” says Mommy Dearest, as she bumps and grinds with Sonny Boy, as if she was doing nothing more taboo, than having a glass of wine with lunch.

The next morning, Jimmy wakes up hungover, wanting to bleach himself out of existence.  Instead, he enlists in the army . . . claiming he has no living relatives, and a brother who died in the Lusitania.  Basically, he’s claiming to be somebody else, because, he desperately wants to be anyone but himself.  (Can you blame him?)

And that’s how Jimmy ended up in World War I.  The rest is Boardwalk Empire history . . .

Eventually, Jimmy returns home, drugged out, and highly emotional.  His creepy sicko mom should have seen the signs that this guy was a bomb waiting to explode.  But no.  Instead, she sits calmly, working on her needlepoint.  She then carelessly assures Jimmy that, in one month, Little Tommy won’t even remember Angela, anymore, and will likely come to view Gillian-Winkie-Toucher as his real mom.

Well . . . that does it.  Next thing you know, Jimmy’s got his hands around Gillian’s neck, and is screaming repeatedly.  “But I’ll remember.”

Deja-vu? 

For a few seconds there, it looks like he might actually kill her.  But then, in comes the Commodore to Gillian’s rescue.  Because, if anyone could relate to a fellow pedophile, it’s him.  You’ve got to admit, for a stroke victim / old tubby guy, that Commodore’s got some real “get up and go.”

Size does matter. 

He stabs Jimmy with a poker, and is about to complete the job, when Jimmy STABS HIM in the gut . . .

“Anyone up for a nice game of checkers?” 

There are few seconds there, after Jimmy has pulled out the knife, where the Big Happy Family all stare at one another in shock . . . possibly considering hugging it out, and having a big laugh over all of this.  (Just another great story to tell at Christmas dinner, right?)  But then, Gillian tells Jimmy to “finish it,” like she’s the announcer in some random father/ son wrestling match, or the computerized voiceover at the end of that game, Mortal Kombat.

And Jimmy actually does it . . . he finishes it, stabbing Commodore again . . . in the heart, this time.  You can’t undo that . . .

Time passes, and a dazed Jimmy awakens to find Richard, once again cleaning up his bloody mess.  (In an earlier, truly poignant scene, we see poor Richard — who has genuinely become the heart of this show — falls to his knees in anguish, upon touching the blood of Angela Darmody, the only woman, since his sister, who really seemed to care for, and understand him.)

In the chilling final moments of the episode, we see Tommy calling for his mommy, and Gillian answering the call.  She promptly picks up the small child,  as she undoubtedly did many times with Jimmy, during his youth.  “One day soon, he won’t be a little boy anymore,” says Gillian cheerfully, though, coming from her, it sounds like a threat.

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As grandma and kid climb the staircase, Jimmy watches, broken, beaten, and clearly terrified.

But you know who I’m most terrified for  . . . Tommy Boy.  Kid, if you know what’s best for you, you will run as fast as those little legs will carry you.  (And while you’re at it, you should really consider picking up Baby Abigail Van Alden.)

“HEEEEEEEELLLLLP!!!!” 

And that’s all she wrote on the penultimate episode of Season 2 of Boardwalk Empire.  Next stop, the finale . . . See ya then!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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If at first you don’t succeed . . . deny, deny again – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Rhodes to Perdition”

“So, Blair, I hear this guy rents out the room by the hour.  What do you say we give it a go on the couch, for old time sake?  Consider it part of your Bachelorette Party  . . .”

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  You know, every GG installment involves lying, to some extent.  But I feel like “Rhodes to Perdition” was much less about the lies we tell others (though, of course, there were plenty of those), and more about the lies we tell ourselves.  Also of note in this week’s episode . . . the COMPLETE LACK OF LOUIS-BOT.

“Do you meessss my saxxxxy voyeeez?”  

For me, this just confirms the fact that Louis-bot cannot spend consecutive episodes as a “real” human, without being taken out of commission, every few days or so, for some reprogramming / battery recharging.  Now, while this is always great for Gossip Girl (because we all deserve a cyborg-break sometimes), and even MORE great for Chair (who shared not just one but MULTIPLE scenes together this week) . . .

. . . it might not be so great for me, as a recapper, since Louis-bot’s inexplicable robot speak, always proved good for some easy laughs.

“Donnnn worry, Recapah!  I’ll be baaaaaacck!”

Hopefully, Donut Dan and Max McPoorPerson will help to make up for the loss . . .

Much Ado About MaxMcPoorPerson

When we last left Max McPoorPerson, he was blackmailing Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena for FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .

He had also started dating Serena, because .  . . well, because that’s what all the male guest stars on this show do, basically.  (I’m pretty sure it’s in their contract.)  When the episode opens, the two have just spent a romantic evening boning checking out the “sights of New York.”  And by the schmoopy expression on Serena’s face, we can tell that she’s already smitten with this Boy From the Wrong Side of the Tracks, And By That, I Mean Portland, Oregon . . .

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(In Serena Speak, this translates roughly as “If you want to have sex with me, my legs are always open.”)

Serena then tells McPoorPerson that her grandma is coming over to attend some party at Studio 54 in her honor.  (You know, because nothing says sexy, like talking about GRANDMA.)  McPoorPerson then seizes on the opportunity to offer to bake granny a cake . . . but only if Serena helps.  McPoorPerson does this, because he knows that the magical act of baking, will make Serena fall madly in love with him.  And this will only make it easier for him to obtain the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS that will convert him from McPoorPerson to McSortofWealthy.

“This is what I like to call my ‘Plotting and Scheming Face.'” 

Shortly thereafter, McPoorPerson and Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena meet up at a diner for a Super Secret Meeting of the Con Artists (This is probably a good location for said meeting, since nobody from the Upper East Side would ever be caught dead in a diner).

“Hey Max McPoorPerson, remember when you used to take me on dates to places like this?  SUCKA!” 

Once there, McPoorPerson tells Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that, if she doesn’t pony up the 500 HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS pronto, he will show Serena the playbill with her REAL NAME ON IT . . .you know Call Me Serena   Lying Poopyhead  Ivy.

Behold the PLAYBILL OF TRUTH! 

When Faux Charlie fights back, by convincing Serena to break her magical cake baking date with Max, he moves his deadline up to TWENTY FOUR HOURS.  OMG!  It’s like an episode of 24 . . . only with much lower stakes . . . and less terrorists . . . and less buildings exploding . . .

 Jack Bauer does not approve.

Faux Charlie decides to cry about this to her Faux Mommy, Carol Rhodes, who admits that Grandma CeCe has put a little locksie on real Charlie’s trust account, so that Carol can’t access it.  But since neither woman wants McPoorPerson to beat them at their own game, Carol decides to come by and sweeten up the old lady . . .

“This is my Sweet Face.” 

Unfortunately, the Rhodes / VDWs always seem to like their fake family members, better than their real ones.  So, Carol isn’t exactly welcomed with open arms.  (Just between you and me, I think it’s because she’s not blonde.  I’ve always suspected Lily and Cece to be prejudiced against brunettes.  Sorry Rufus  .  . . and Chuck .  . . and Blair . . . and Dan . . . and Nate.)

In fact, Cece sees right through Carol’s money-grubbing pleas.

“Shut up, Carol!  Can’t you see your money-grubbing pleas are putting Granny to sleep?” 

Faux-Charlie, unlike her fake mom, is a kickass little con artist.  She manages to butter up Granny, and unlock her little trust fund, quicker than you can say, “Call me Serena.”  But where Little Miss Goody Two Personalities really earns points is her “discretion” in not spilling to the rest of the family CeCe’s Super Secret Breast Cancer.  (At least, I think that’s what she has, based on the pills she’s taking.)

“Well, it sure as hell isn’t Aspirin!”

On the other hand, judging by all the not-so-insignificant faints and “oopsies,” the older woman suffered throughout the episode — one of which actually seemed to SAVE faux-Charlie from being revealed for the fraud she is — I can’t help but wonder whether Granny CeCe is headed to that Big Studio 54 in the sky.  And if she is . . . I suspect faux-Charlie’s “discretion” will come back to bite her in the ass, as will “real” Charlie, who — assuming she’s alive — will undoubtedly pop up in time for the funeral . . .

“Ummm .  . . hi Real Charlie.  Feel free to ‘Call Me Serena.'” 

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Things get stickier for Faux Charlie, when Serena, whose hair suddenly looks like the Before Picture in a commercial for Frizz-ease shampoo (I guess because she thinks it makes her more “seventies”) . . .

How does her head not topple over?   

 . . . overhears Lily calling Carol out, on making Faux Charlie change her name to Real Ivy.  (Are you confused yet?   Because I sure am!)

And this dress confuses me most of all . . . 

Sometimes I don’t give Serena enough credit for actually having brain cells.  Because of that, I was super impressed with her for remembering that “Ivy” was the name of Max’s wench ex girlfriend.  She also correctly surmised that the reason Faux-Charlie was so dead set on Serena not dating Max was that  .  . . wait for it . . . SHE WAS IVY.

One simply cannot be best friends with Blair Waldorf for her entire childhood, without picking up a thing or two about pulling off a great scam.  And Serena is surprisingly Blair-esque, when she convinces McPoorPerson to come over to the VDW house, by making him think the house will be empty, and he will get laid, when in actuality it’s FILLED with family members dancing badly, and clad in hideously ugly sequined dresses.

*clears throat loudly* 

Uh Oh McPoorPerson, it looks like you are due for a case of these . . .

What’s particularly interesting about this part of the story, is that, by the time, McPoorPerson arrives at house, he no longer wants to expose Faux Charlie for the fraud she is, because if he does, there no longer any chance of him getting his money.

MAX: “Jesus!  Are ANY of you Rhodes women actually going to sleep with me?  CeCe?” 

MAX: “I take that as a YES!” 

So, when Serena publicly confronts Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, Max (along with a few other key party guests) actually looks kind of relieved when CeCe practically dies in front of all of them.

What can I say?  Greed is good!

But don’t fret my Cece lovers.   As it turns out, the lovely old biddy is TOTALLY OK . . . (well, except for the whole Super Secret Breast Cancer thing).  One of the upsides of CeCe’s temporary brushes with death, of course, is that it gives faux-Charlie time to compose her own story.  And it doesn’t look good for McPoorPerson. . . .

“Does this mean you guys aren’t going to come visit me at me new job as Head Fry Guy at McDonalds?” 

But wow, you really have to hand it to Faux-Charlie.  If pathological lying was a sport, she’d be an Olympic Gold athlete.  This time, she claims that McPoorPerson is here because he’s McBribing her with a McSexTape for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, and that’s why she’s been so desperate to get the money.  McPoorPerson is McFlabbergasted.

But, unfortunately, for him, he McSucks and McScheming, and his words of self-defense, make him look like a major McAsshole . . . First he claims that Faux-Charlie grew up in a trailer park, with a drug addicted mom.  And though it turns out that all of this is true, surely none of the VDWs could ever believe that someone they knew personally grew up in anything less elegant than a 3,000 square-foot apartment, in a “nice neighborhood.”  He also claims to have proof . . . a PLAYBILL with Ivy’s REAL NAME ON IT.

But when he goes to grab for it . . . IT’S GONE!

Apparently, Carol filched it from his pocket while her own mother was dying on the floor next to her.  What a sweetheart!  No wonder “real” Charlie isn’t around, Carol probably had a craving for meat one day and ATE HER.

“Mmmm . . . what a tasty daughter I had.” 

You know, I actually think that, even if Max SHOWED everyone the Playbill Faux-Charlie still could have claimed that this was just an example of her mother, Carol, wanting her to get involved in the arts, but NOT wanting the world to know that they were related.  But, I guess that’s neither here, nor there . . .

Anywhoo, McPoorPerson gets kicked out onto the streets.  No Sex with Serena in the champagne room for him!  He calls Faux-Charlie from the street, promising “REVENGE!”  (Well, he’s a chef.  So, I guess he could always poison her food or something.)

“Next time you order a Quarter Pounder, you are dead meat, B*TCH!  Get it . . . dead meat, because it’s a burg . .  . never mind.” 

No matter.  Faux-Charlie doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by the threat.  I actually think a part of her BELIEVES she’s Real Charlie now, as evidenced by her claim to Carol that she [(doesn’t) want the money . . . just the FAMILY].  Well, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that’s real easy to say, when you are living in a friggin FOUR MILLION DOLLAR APARTMENT rent-free, not working, and having someone pay for EVERYTHING YOU DO!

Lifestyles of the Rich and the Shameless . . . 

And yet, Faux Charlie’s final moment in the episode seems to suggest that she is getting too cocky, and too comfortable in her new identity.  By now, girlfriend could have taken the money and ran, at least five times now.   And, probably, none of these morons would have been any the wiser.  But instead, Faux-Charlie says to her new nemesis, McPoorPerson, “No one can touch me anymore.  I’m a Rhodes now,” as she stares out the window, and laughs maniacally,  creepy cartoon super villian style.

“MWAH-HAHAHA!  I’ll get you McPoorPerson, and you’re little cake too!”

Oh, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena . . . something tells me that all three of you are about to get SERIOUSLY SCREWED . . . and not in a good way, either.

The Spectator:  It’s Not Just Good, It’s NATE!

One of these days, Nate is actually going to have an interesting storyline . . . one that involves the other cast members . . . and actually makes some sense.  But alas, this was not that day.

“DOH!” 

On a positive note, this week-long Lack of Love Interest / Sex Partner has seemed to noticeably increase Little Archibald’s IQ.  So, that’s nice for him .  . . I guess.  Actually both the actor and the character would probably much prefer getting laid.

“I am not a smart man, but I know what LOVE is . . . or at least how to make it.”

Those of us like me who were secretly hoping for the adorable hilarity of watching Nate Archibald fall on his face, as the new, completely unqualified, manager of Trashy Tabloid the bastion of TRUTH that is The Spectator while Grandpa Vanderbilt, looked on, a constipated expression on his face, wondering about the sanctity of his gene pool  ended up being sorely disappointed this week.  As it turns out, Nate just so happens to have a head for business, and a body for raunchy sex with cougars sin, making him positively perfect for the thankless job that his grandpa has unfairly awarded him.

Mini- Matt Lauer 

Nate begins his storyline by showing his employees that he is nothing like his slutty predecessor, Diana.  No SIR!  He will most certainly not be having sex with his barely legal colleagues, behind closed doors, while the rest of the staff toils over need-to-know news tidbits, like what color Chuck Bass’ socks were this morning.  (Neon green . . . FYI).  He will ONLY do so, if they are really, really hot, and /or  ask nicely.

Also, NO . . . MORE . . . LIES!

All news sources and stories will be verified, ESPECIALLY the one about his formerly Serena-screwing Congressman relative, Tripp, who’s wife may or may not be cheating on him.  Grandpa Vanderbilt, The King of Morality that he is, says, “don’t publish it.”  After all, the truth is only REALLY important when it puts your family in a positive light, right?

“This would probably be a bad time to tell my grandson about my crossdressing fetish.” 

But Nate is a GOOD GUY . . . and more important than that a HOT GUY GOOD JOURNALIST.  So, when the facts check out, he decides to run the story, but not before he brings Old Cuz’ in to the office, to give him the heads up.

Tripp is all huffy, and stick-up-his-butt-y that his wife would DARE return the favor he did for HER a few seasons back and cheat on him.  Not to mention, he’s positively APPALLED Nate would have the GALL to run this story.  Tripp acts like Nate orchestrated the whole thing is a personal vendetta against the Congressman for boning his girlfriend, the year before.  “I guess now we’re even,” Tripp says, before blowing Nate a raspberry, and making doo-doo in his diaper.

“So, Nate, how is my girl, Serena.  Still banging guest stars, who look like me?” 

And, I don’t know, something about Tripp’s “pouty act” struck me as a bit disingenuous.  Am I the only one?

Apparently, Nate didn’t feel that way, because he somehow got the BIG IDEA that Maureen was only PRETENDING to cheat to help Tripp’s campaign, by making him look sympathetic.  But, of course, Tripp knows NOTHING about it.  Grandpa agrees, and again says, “Don’t publish it.”  But this time I sense a little reverse psychology in the works.  And why not?  He wants his FAMILY MEMBER to win the campaign, just like he wants his OTHER FAMILY member to run this ridiculous paper.

Nate ends up publishing the information as a sort of generalized puffed-up editorial, which is somehow meant to affirm the paper’s tough standards of “honesty and integrity.”  I don’ t know . . . it looked like your garden variety blind item to me.  It just happened to have Nate’s hot face next to it.

YUMMY! 

Geez, between Serena become a SUPER BLOGGER, Dan writing a SUPER FANFICTION, and Nate managing a SUPER PAPER, I’m starting to think EVERYBODY on this show is Gossip Girl.

Of course, everybody knows the REAL Gossip Girl is Veronica Mars . . .

Whatever I personally thought of Nate’s so-called explosive news article, Grandpa thought it was just swell.  “I always loved you, but now I RESPECT you,” he tells Sexy Pants.

Yes, Nate, we respect you too . . . And by “respect you” I mean, we’d very much like to sleep with you (or, at least see what you look like naked).

Humpty Humphry Plays with his Twitter (among other things)

Oh, Donut Dan!  How the not-so-mighty hath fallen!  One week, you are on the New York Times Bestseller list.

The next week, you are personally responding to every one-star review your Dair fanfiction gets on Amazon.com, and stalking one of your heckler’s Twitter feeds.

I’m glad Rufus finally picked up on his son’s massive self-absorption and apparent psychosis.  After all, he’s already lost one child to the Cult of Cuckoo and Raccoon Zombies . . .

. . . losing two would be downright depressing.

But as sad and pathetic as all this all is, I guess us Chair fans should be happy that Captain Crazy Hair is stalking HateDanHumphrey and NOT Blair Waldorf like he did last week.

He tracks the twitter feed down to a suprisingly NOT very UES-looking brownstone.  Once there, he stands outside like a drunken homeless person, and rings all the doorbells, until someone answers.

“CABLE GUY!!!!!” 

(Yes, Dan, because, us city folk, always, come out of our apartments, unarmed, to meet, in person, the freako who’s been anonymously ringing our buzzer for the past five minutes.)

Dan Humphrey’s version of a booty call . . . 

And yet, as luck would have it, HateDanHumphrey ends up actually being stupid brave enough to show her pretty little face to her assailant.  Surprise!  The Twitter heckler ends up being none other than ME! Dan’s unnerving publicist, and obvious future love interest, Alessandra.

Oh Alessandra, please tell me that isn’t what you wear, when you are just lounging around the house Tweeting . . . ever hear of sweatpants? 

At first, I thought (and was kind of hoping) that Publicist Chick was doing this to get back at Dopey Dan for being a b*tch, and skipping out on his book signings.  But, no such luck.  As it turns out, she started the feed, in hopes of drumming up more “Favorite Story” ratings, and “Author Alerts” on Dan’s fanfiction.  (Those of you who frequent fanfiction.net know what I’m talking about here.)

To Humpty Humphrey’s credit, he actually doesn’t get all pouty about Alessandra’s shifty marketing tactics, as many of us expected him to do.  Instead, he wages a Fake Twitter war between HateDanHumphrey, and the ridiculously named HumphreyLove, a Twitter feed that was started by (Who else?) Dan himself.

“Oh DAN!”   (bats eyelashes)  “You naughty little Tweeter, you!” 

I must admit that I kind of liked the part, where Dan told Alessandra that she wasn’t being mean enough to him in her tweets.  So, he took over, and started insulting himself.  (Self-hatred RULES!)

Of course, the only problem with this that Dan’s hate tweets about himself involved Hemingway, and the Hardy Boys.   In other words, they were TOTALLY lame and not funny AT ALL.

“Come on!  Suicidal authors, whose ultra depressing books you had to read in high school are HILARIOUS!” 

(He probably should have just called us Chair fans over to do the job.  We would have REALLY ripped him a new one.)

Nonetheless, Katy Perry (clearly a Hardy Boys fan . . . or Hemingway?) somehow ends up retweeting the feud.  I guess we are supposed to assume that this will spark more book sales for Donut Dan . . . at least among California Girls, Teenage Dreamers, Fireworks, and people who can’t remember Last Friday Night . . .

Target demographic for Dan’s book . . . 

And now, finally, we have come to our main event . . .

Chair-ing is CARING!

Source 

Blair is sad because she SO OBVIOUSLY LOVES CHUCK, AND YET IS STUCK MARRYING A ROBOT AND POSSIBLY CARRYING HIS EVIL SPAWN.  Wouldn’t you be sad too?.  She is wearing a sad orange dress.  She also has a sad ponytail in her hair.  Louis-bot is off getting his batteries recharged, and she needs to find out why he’s always been become such a dipsh*t, before she can marry him.  That’s a tall order for a petite Queen B.

“All I want for Christmas is Chair . . .” 

Dorota suggests, only half in jest, that perhaps Chuck and Louis-bot switched bodies PERISH THE THOUGHT! a la Freaky Friday, or that not particularly good movie starring Ryan Reynolds as The Womanizing Single Guy Who Secretly Just Needs LOVE!

This, however, gives Blair, a bizarre (but perfectly lovely, if you are a Chair fan, like I am) idea to spend the entire episode with Chuck . . .

. . .  to get inside his pants head to figure out how he “turned good,”  so that she can do the same thing to Louis-bot.

Blair barges in on Chuck, as she is wont to do, while he is doing yoga, with some old guy, while still wearing a suit.

Monogrammed yoga mats! 

Queen B is shocked and secretly relieved to find that he is not with a lady.  She wonders how he went from “Charlie Sheen to Charlie Brown” from “Bar to Bar Mitzvah.”  (Oh, she said “bar mitzvah.”  You know what that means?  She’s totally thinking about the bar mitzvah sex . . .)

Source 

To figure out this Grand Chairtastic Mystery, Blair wants to go to therapy with Chuck, which, in my world,  is known as “couples counseling.”

During therapy, Chuck’s NEW, non-purchased by Louis-bot – shrink, is TOTALLY Team Chair.

“As part of your therapy, you two should act out that scene in the limo from Season 1.  Now THAT was EPIC!” 

He immediately calls out Blair for wanting her boring turd of a fiance to be more like Chuck, whose neon green frog socks would look absolutely ridiculous on anybody else, but look oddly  hot on him, because he’s Chuck Bass.  (Sorry, NOT GONNA HAPPEN, B!)

Blair doesn’t believe that Chuck has actually let her go.  How could he have possibly, when, right this second, sitting on the shrink couch, they are both looking at one another with such fiery intensity, and sheer passion . . . so much so that I half expected them to start boning right in front of the shrink.

“Diagnose THIS!” 

But nope.  This is a SERIOUS Chair episode.  And Chuck puts on his Serious Face when, to prove to Blair, once in for all, that he has, in fact, let her go, he tells her about dropping her Harry Winston engagement ring by the doorstep of the store, an act of stupidity closure, if ever there was one.

He tells her to call Harry Winston and check.  And I kind of hope she does, because, I’m quite certain they will tell her they never got the ring back, because CLEARLY SOMEBODY STOLE IT.  I know, because that someone was me.

But this is not a time for jokes, because Blair is devastated by Chuck’s admission.  It brings back so many memories for her of what Chuck almost had, and could potentially have again.  And, of course, she doesn’t really WANT the person she loves to let her go, does she?

Unable to bear seeing Blair so unhappy, Chuck rushes to her home, where he finds his lady love tasting cakes for her lame wedding.  (How is Louis-bot not there to taste his own cakes?  Isn’t the food, the only thing about the wedding, the grooms actually care about.)  He tells her how his shrink, thinks Blair was upset that Chuck returned the ring.  (Well, thank you, Doctor / Captain Obvious!)  “You asked me to let you go, so I did.  I wanted to give you the happy life that you deserve.”

Source 

Then Blair says something that makes Chuck (and me) cry.  (Well . .  . I cry . . . he tears up, in an adorably masculine fashion.)  She blames herself for bringing the badness out in her lovers.  This sents Chuck chasing after her again . . . this time, all the way to her bedroom.  (Ahhh . . . now we are getting somewhere! ;))

I know a lot of you thought it was SUPER CHEESY of Chuck to tell Blair that “she was the lightest thing that came into his life.”  And “[Her] love kept him alive.”  But desperate times call for desperate measures.  And I think Blair needed to hear it that way, cheesiness and all.  After all, isn’t Blair’s obsession with fairytale endings what got us into this whole Louis-bot mess in the first place.  What better way to get Blair to stop blaming herself for the misdeeds of the men in her life, than to speak like Prince Charming would?

Aside from being grandiose and dramatic (as Blair so often is), Chuck was also brutally honest.  He finally allowed Blair (and fans) some insight into the complete 180 his character has done, over the course of these last few episodes.  Chuck did some crazy things last season, out of fear of losing Blair’s love.  But after he actually lost her, a sense of calm seemed to overtake him, since he already knew that he would never experience a greater loss in his life.

“I just want you to be happy Blair.  I’m just sorry that it couldn’t be with me.”

This sweet, but very morose, scene lightens a bit, when the Queen of Cakes comes to help Blair with her selection, and accidentially/ on purpose (?) confuses Chuck for the groom.  (See?  SHE’S Team Chair too!)  Then, we get sad all over again, when Chuck mutters that he isn’t,  in fact, the groom, though we all know, full well, he desperately wants to be.

Of course, Chuck might not be the only one wishing Blair’s groom was another man.  Blair too ends the episode lying on her bed, incredibly despondent, with no interest whatsoever in calling her cyborg, even though she now knows that she can make him “good” again, merely by lying to his face convincing him she’ll never leave him.

Ahhhh, much better. 

As usual, Westwick and Meester  bring just the right amount of pathos, mutual adoration, and longing, to a scene that, in the hands of lesser actors, would not have been nearly as emotional and beautiful as it ended up being.  You can watch the scene, in it’s entirety here:

The episode concludes with Nate and Chuck bonding over liquor and notions of truth.  Nate wonders if Chuck was fully honest with Blair.  He thinks that he was, but regrets not being honest with himself sooner.  “I’ve finally become the man that she wanted, and she’s already chosen another one.  I’m too late,” he says thoughtfully.  NO!  YOU’RE NOT TOO LATE.  YOU’LL BE MAKING OUT IN A LIMO WITH BLAIR AGAIN BY NEXT WEEK.  DON’T YOU WORRY, CHUCKSTER!

“CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!”

And yet, ever the “journalist,” Nate hones in on the question Chuck didn’t answer for Blair that night, which, of course, was the only one she really wanted answered.  “Do you still love her?”  He asks.

Chuck takes a slow ponderous sip of his liquor and stares sadly off into the distance.  “I can’t imagine the day that I don’t,” he says truthfully.

*sigh* 

If you thought that was intense, wait until you check out the Canadian promo for next Monday’s midseason finale, “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.”  (Yes, I’ve decided to put Canada first this time.  Does that make me unpatriotic?)

What’s that I see?  Limo Sex Possibly Revisited, not to mention some VERY choice words from both C and B.  Can I get a HELL YEAH?  (I don’t know.  It does seem a bit too good to be true, though . . . . And don’t even get me started on that whole Princess Diana -esque car crash type thing.  Let’s just hope this isn’t just another one of those dreaded extended Dream Sequences.)

Here’s the American Promo.  See what YOU think?

Yeah, as per usual, those American promo makers didn’t give us much extra, aside from some random crash footage, and a whole lotta Tearful Hugging . . . BOO, HISS to that.

Anywhoo, we’ve got plenty to discuss between now and next Monday.  So, feel free to leave your speculations, rants, and fangirly goodness, in my Comment Section below.  Until then, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Gossip Girl

Men of Action, Men of GOOD – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “All the Pretty Sources”

[ Your recap for Gossip Girl’s “Rhodes to Perdition” is on it’s way!  Check back for it later this evening (E.S.T.)  XOXO!]

For the record, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a spinoff of Gossip Girl, consisting entirely of Chuck Bass, staring sexily at the camera, and insulting a Drunken Humpty Humphrey, while the latter mumbles incoherently about nothing in particular . . .

Greetings Upper East Siders!  This week on Gossip Girl, we learned that making major changes in your life, often requires action.  But, sometimes, the most heroic thing to do in a particular situation is nothing at all.  We also learned that, Chuck is more than willing to share his apartment, his flask, his pot, and his hookers with his friends . . .

But he always saves his Monkey for himself . . .

Let’s recap, shall we?

You’ve Been E-vited to the Shower of the Century . . .

Source 

Hooray, it’s Blair’s Wedding Shower!  This is a time for us to celebrate the wonder that is how Blair has somehow managed to stay engaged to Louis-bot, despite the fact that (1) he was obviously created by a mad scientist in a lab, somewhere; (2) no one ever understands one f*&king word he says; and (3)the remaining few mildly redeeming aspects of his personality vanished about four episodes ago.  Party Planner Serena feverishly makes preparations for the Big Event.

Being human and having a personality is overrated, anyway. 

Meanwhile Chuck (who wasn’t invited to the Shower, thanks to a certain HOT AND HEAVY makeout fest with the guest of honor, last week)  . . .

*sigh*

 . . . walks his Monkey . . .

“Oh, dammit!  Not these little b*tches, again.  And what the hell is that one in pink wearing on her head?”

. . . and is forced to field insults from those runty Mini GG’ers that the writers randomly throw into the show about once every season (possibly to appeal to that all-important under-10 demographic).

In all fairness, the one on the right DOES bare a striking resemblance to Blake Lively .  . . 

 I actually found them really funny,  the first two times they appeared.  Now, when Chuck half-heartedly sicks the docile Monkey on them (telling the girl’s the dog’s been forced to attack fake Prada, no less), a part of me hopes the canine goes temporarily insane, and bites their little heads off.

“That’s what you get for insulting my Master!” 

Speaking of insulting, elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Lily and Rufus are laughing hysterically at Donut Dan, who has, once again, been called out by Gossip Girl for being a total loser.

“I told you!  This is why I always insist on wearing a bag over my head, whenever we go out in public with your son.” 

“You are SO not getting a signed copy of my book, MOM!”

He hasn’t been invited to Blair’s party either.  This is because he once wrote a fanfiction starring himself, in which he and Blair made mad passionate Humpty Humphrey love.  And that fanfiction just so happened to make it onto the New York Times Bestseller list, for about two minutes, thereby totally humiliating Blair.  (Smut fanfiction has always been the most popular kind, after all.)

“I ended up calling my book, Inside.  But the working title was actually, Dan Humphrey: Sex God.” 

Oh, did I mention that Louis-bot is back from his episode long hiatus, having been refurbished with a brand new battery pack,  and an even more bizarre-sounding language chip?

“I caammm barink geeefts to show my wuv to yuuuu, Blayerrr.”

“Huh?” 

Case in point: by way of apology, he bought Blair “boo-atles of purrrrfoooom, whiz shee kin smizsch un heez  hiz hid, if she leaks” (a.k.a. bottles of perfume, which she can smash on his head, if she likes.)

Louis promises Blair that his time away has left him a changed man.  (I mean, they have replaced his batteries, after all!)  But then, not one minute later, he’s already bashing on all Blair’s friends, and trying to isolate her from them, claiming that they don’t have her “bist intwest acht haurrrt” (a.k.a. best interests at heart).

“Oh, you mean because they paid off a shrink to try and make my ex-boyfriend go nuts, even if that meant he might hurt me, in the process?  Oh, wait . . . that was YOU!”

As evidence of this, Louis-bot shows Blair a GG blast about her recent Paternity Test debacle, claiming that since HE didn’t write it, one of her friends probably did.

Of course, as anyone who’s ever had to suffer through a Lifetime movie can tell you, this is textbook future wife-beater behavior.   In other words, Blair, RUN  . . . AWAY . . . FAST!

Since Louis-bot has already planted the seeds of doubt in her head, as to her friends’ party planning abilities, Blair becomes damn-near suicidal when her minions accidentally / on-purpose let it slip that Blair’s shower invitation was sent via e-vite . . .

. . . with instructions to wear jeans . .  .

.  . . because Greek food will be served from a nearby grease truck . . .

. . . along with .  . . SHAVED ICE for dessert.

Source 

OH THE HORROR of casual dining.  (I’m not even sure Blair owns a pair of jeans!)  It’s a wonder our bride-to-be didn’t immediately toss herself off the roof of the Hotel Empire.

Of course, it’s a  very good thing she didn’t.  I mean, obviously, we don’t want Blair to kill herself.  (How would we ever get our Chair Happy Ending, if that happened?)  But also, the party ended up being totally awesomesauce, and not at all how the girls meanly led Blair to think it would be . . . (More on that later.)

But, since we are on the subject of Blair.  What the hell kind of outfit was she wearing during the entire first half of the show?  She looked like a cross between Barbara Bush and a human Christmas Tree?

That said, her dress for the bridal shower kind of rocked.  (I think.)  So I’m willing to let this temporary lapse into fashion victim-ism slide . . .

MAX-imum Trouble for Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena

The problem with having three different names, is that you never know who you are exactly, until someone calls you by one of them.

Source 

 Just ask Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who becomes deeply confused (not to mention royally screwed), when ex-boyfriend Max comes a-stalking, and starts blabbing his mouth off to Lily about Charlie, not really being Charlie (or Call Me Serena, for that matter).  As far as Max is concerned, Charlie is Ivy.  And, as far as Ivy is concerned, Max is a DEAD MAN!

“Conveniently, one of my multiple personalities just so happens to be a serial killer named Bubba Chainsaw.” 

Fortunately, for Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, she’s way smarter than she looks.  Girlfriend comes up with an actually-pretty-convincing story for Lily (and Max), about how her riches-hating mama forced her to pick-up a separate identity, just to make sure no one used her for her trust-fund baby status.

“Good one . . . Char . . . Iv . . . whatever the hell your name is!”

Suddenly, Lily’s feeling all guilty, as she hugs her faux-niece, and speechifies about how she should never feel like she has to hide her true identity, and blah-blah-blah.  Lily is officially a moron.  For a few seconds there, I thought I was watching the last few minutes of a Very Special Episode of that old sitcom, Full House.

“Well, this is awkward . . . Why didn’t the trusty doorman tell me they were filming an After School Special in here?”

(“You just be yourself, D.J. Tanner Faux Charlie!  Your REAL friends will like you for who you are . . . or . . . in this case . . . who you pretend to be.”)

Alone in Faux Charlie’s room, Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena offers to give Max $50,000 to start his own restaurant in Seattle, as a consolation prize for no longer being able to f*&k her.   Max seems pretty cool with the offer, which doesn’t say much for faux-Charlie’s skills in the sack.

“Hmm . .  . let me think about this . . . lots of cash OR mediocre sex with crazy lying b*tch .  . . CHECK PLEASE!”

But later, Max randomly gets let into the van der Woodsen apartment by the WORST DOORMAN EVER, and starts digging around faux-Charlie’s things.  There, he conveniently finds a playbill for a local show on which “Ivy” and “Carol Rhodes” (faux-Charlie’s so-called mother) worked together in Florida.  Ruh Roh!

Consider all of your personalities officially busted . . . 

Then, an Evil Lightbulb goes off in his brain . . . (insert maniacal laugh here) . . .

Max McPoorPerson decides to stick around the Upper East Side, after all.  In fact, he might even have a shot at having sex with Serena!  (Why not, everyone else does?)  Oh, and why just ask for $50,000 to keep your ex-girlfriend’s dirty little secret, when you can ask for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .

The Scandalous E-mails of Manhattan’s Elite

Hey, did you know that this whole ridiculous The Spectator storyline was just an extremely overy complicated plot by Nate’s grandfather to get his son a real job . . . one that didn’t involve him sticking his head up the ass of some 40ish cougar?  Oops.  So, much for that!

“There aren’t any great-grand kids I should know about are there?”

Anywhoo, Nate’s grandpa gives Mamacita Diana an ultimatum: make your lame online tabloid successful, and set Nate up as it’s fearless leader, ASAP or else I’ll tell everyone your CHUCK’S MOM!  Interestingly enough, it’s actually Nate who comes up with the key to making grandpoppy’s plot a resounding success, when Eric VDW’s ex beau Jonathan somehow hacks into Gossip Girl’s e-mail and finds a database containing every piece of information anyone has ever sent to her EVER.

“See .   . . contrary to popular belief, I am actually smart . . . S- M-R-T (That spells smart, by the way.)!” 

Nate tells Serena about this.  And Serena’s all “HELL NO!  I send Gossip Girl mean and nasty e-mails about you people, everyday!  You can’t publish this!  It will make me look like a total asshat!”

Nate agrees.  But then Diana is magically lurking around the office when he has his conversation, and learns everything.  When Nate begs Diana not to publish “All the Pretty Sources” (see what I did there), Diana immediately assumes that Nate is only looking out for himself, because HE has sent so many salacious e-mails to Gossip Girl, over the years.  But when she does a search for his name, she finds . . . wait for it . . . NOTHING .  . . NOT ONE E-MAIL.

Nate Archibald is a GOOD MAN!  HALLELUJAH!  Either that, or, instead of sending e-mails to Gossip Girl using his real, FULL NAME, because that would be STUPID (Seriously, what’s WRONG with these people?   Why the hell would you trust GOSSIP GIRL, of all people, not to reveal you as a source), he’s the only one who was smart enough to send his GG blasts, through the anonymous moniker, CougarLover69@gmail.com.

“Actually, the real reason I never sent any info to Gossip Girl is that I never learned how to type.  My maids always did that for me.”

Inspired by Nate’s angelic tendencies and large weiner a genuinely lovestruck Diana calls Grandpoopy Archibald, hoping to call off the whole thing.  Unfortunately for Diana, Silly Serena was SO SCARED people would find out how much sh*tty stuff she said about her friends to Gossip Girl over the years,  that she LEFT HER WEB BROWSER OPEN when she went to the bathroom, allowing Louis-bot to see EVERYTHING!

“Heylooo, Serrenaaaa.  I haf coome to keeel yer freend-sheep wit Blayerrr.” 

And, of course, because Louis-bot is secretly the greatest computer hacker of ALL TIME, he immediately publicizes the sources list, ALL BY HIMSELF. (They must teach this at finishing school in Monaco!)  In doing this, Louis-bot pretty much singlehandedly RUINS his wife-to-be’s bridal shower (More on that, in a bit.), and pretty much pees on her reputation in the process.  (Nice going, DOOFUS!)

“BAD ROBOT!”

But back to Nate . . . . he walks in on Diana’s and Grandpoopy’s scheming.  Nate’s discovery causes Diana, who now think’s Nate is just dreamy (and, of course, doesn’t want her dirty little Bass-tard secrets to come pouring out – Gossip Girl style) to take the blame for publicizing the sources list.

“Grandpaaaa!  The bad lady had sex with me, and made me have trust issues!”

Nate is FURIOUS that he has been betrayed, as evidenced by his FURROWED BROW OF ANGUISH.

“You are giving me premature wrinkles, Diana.  (I plan to send you a bill for my Botox, in about ten years.  Just so you know.)” 

No more Sex in the Spectator Room, for Diana, that’s for sure!   Grandpoopy then swoops in, like the HERO he is, to buy out Diana’s interest in The Spectator (which, of course, he already owns), and fire the Cougar Vamp, banishing her back to LA, where she belongs.

Grandpoopy then makes the worst business decision IN THE WORLD, by putting his twenty-year old Grandson, who, is actually still in college (though the show often tends to forget this fact), and has NO REAL WORK EXPERIENCE, WHATSOEVER (unless you count schtupping your boss as work) as the head of The Spectator.  Then again, when you have more money than GOD, what’s one bad business decision (or ten) among family . . .

And now, for the storyline you’ve ALL been waiting for . . .

Everything is just Duck-ie! (and Chair-y!)

A mopey Dan show up at his new bestie, Chuck’s apartment on the morning of Blair’s wedding shower-to-be.  Donut Dan’s hope is that Chuck will be able to somehow get Humpty Humphrey’s mind off the fact that he basically sucks at life.  At first, Chuck is not at all interested in the offer, much preferring to spend the day in the significantly more high class company of his adorable dog.  “Would you be willing to get a haircut and change your clothes?”  He asks wryly.

DAN: “Why, what’s wrong with my hair and clothes?” 

CHUCK: *laughs until milk pours out of his nose*

Dan refuses, perhaps believing that his ridiculous hair is what gives him the power to write bad, but, surprisingly lucrative, fanfiction, and bed women who are significantly out of his league, like Serena  but not like Manessa.

“Then I’m afraid I can’t help you,” replies Chuck.

But then he sees the newspaper article about Blair and Louis-bot’s upcoming nuptials,  and decides he could really use some good human company . . . But since that’s not available to him at the moment, Donut Dan will have to do . . .

“GRRRRRRR!  Death to all evil cyborgs with weird accents!”

In an adorable bromantic bonding moment, the pair get high and drunk together, while eating fancy catered snacks, and watching, of all things, The Matrix.   (Because watching Clockwork Orange while stoned does strange things to Chuck’s perception.  Who knew Chuck was a cinephile?)

DAN: “Take me, Chuck Bass.  I’m yours!”

CHUCK: “Do you come with a refund policy?” 

As Dan rambles on about how Serena has evilly banished him to outsider status by singlehandedly killing his movie deal, Chuck offers him some tough love.  Basically, he tells his Fro-haired friend that if he wants to stop being an Outsider, he should stop painting himself as one, and start doing something with his life, aside from moping about Serena, and writing bad fanfiction.

To prove his point, Chuck hires two of his favorite hookers to bone Dan (  . . . . in Nate’s bedroom of course), while Chuck, once again, heads out to walk his dog.  Now, THAT’S friendship!

But when Chuck returns, the hookers inform him that drunk Dan abandoned their asses, and is off to crash Blair’s wedding shower, and make a TOTAL ASS of himself, in the process.

*Sigh*  Poor Chuck!  All he wanted to do was get high and admire Keanu Reeves black leather pants and wooden dialogue delivery.  Now, he’s gotta babysit a Drunk Humpty Humphrey AND witness his soul mate’s celebration of her upcoming nuptials to someone who is NOT HIM and not human.

Meanwhile, Blair and Louis-bot  have just arrived at the shower.  And Blair is pleasantly surprised to find that it isn’t a casual Greek food truck e-vite type event at all!  In fact, it’s a TIFFANY-themed party, which pretty much confirms for Blair that her bestie Serena, knows her and loves her more than anyone else (except for maybe, Chuck).  She has her best interests at heart, after all!  (Take that, Louis-bot!)

“How does one say, ‘I told you so,’ in Robot?” 

Serena is wearing a weird pink gift wrap ribbon in her hair.   Also, her dress vaguely resembles a bunch of crumbled up pieces of the comic strip section of the New York Times, which have been hastily taped together around her ass.

But that doesn’t stop her from giving a really sweet and heartfelt speech in Blair’s honor . .  . a speech that reminds us, once and for all, that, at it’s core, this is a show about friendship.  “It is a true honor, just knowing you, B.  You have become the strong confident princess I always knew you would,” says Serena, which, I must admit brought a tear or two to my eye.

As did the dead birds these girls were wearing in their hair . . .

By the way, WHERE THE HELL IS DOROTA?!!!

Oh, but lest we think this is a normal bridal shower, thrown by one best friend for another, Serena does something to remind us that, though it may be Non Judging, the Non Judging Breakfast Club, is, in fact, better than we are, because they are MUCH MUCH RICHER.  At most bridal showers, the party favors are things like lame t-shirts with the bride-to-be’s name on it, or cheap ceramic mugs, with her picture on it.   Not in the Upper East Side.  For B’s Bridal Shower, everybody gets a Tiffany’s box, and one lucky person gets a TIFFANY RING.

The ring winner ends up being Cinderliar herself, Faux Charlie . . . which is probably a good thing, considering she’s going to need to hock that swaggy piece of jewelry to pay off her creepy stalker of an ex-boyfriend.

Meanwhile, everyone at Blair’s party has just gotten wind of the publication of the Gossip Girl source e-mail.  And now they are all mad at the Guest of Honor for all the awful things she sent to Gossip Girl about THEM!

But I only spread all those nasty rumors about you, because I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!  (Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.)” 

A mass exodus ensues.  Then, Blair, being Blair immediately blames SERENA for doing the deed, just to RUIN THE PARTY SHE THREW.  (Really, Blair?  Really?)  She claims that she and Serena were never really friends, after all.

Then, she finds out that her cyborg boyfriend was the one who leaked the sight (to show Blair how evil her friends were, or whatever), and feels like total sh*t for all the awful crap she just said to Serena, after Serena worked her comic-strip covered ass off to throw her the best party ever.  Blair then confronts Louis-bot about what a horrible human being he is, and FINALLY begins to wonder whether she is making the wrong decision by marrying him.

(Blair, a word of advice to you: if it walks like a robot, and talks like a robot, and acts like an assh*le, you probably shouldn’t marry it.)

First she proves to Louis, using the GG site HE posted, that it was HIS sister, and not one of her friends that sent the blast about the paternity test.  Then, she tells him that she needs time to think about the status of their already in the toilet relationship.  “Look, people are leaving, perhaps, you should join them,” Blair insists, and it’s the SECOND most awesome thing she says all episode.

(We’ll get to the first, in just a bit . . .)

In the midst of all this, a drunken Dan crashes the party, while sipping freely from a flask he stole from Chuck’s apartment, bearing the latter’s initials on it’s front.

“Hello GG Extras, would any of you, by chance, be interested in having sex with a drunk,not-particularly-famous, author in an elevator?” 

Chuck initially thinks that Dan is coming to tell off Serena.  So, he’s more than a bit surprised, when the Donut starts blathering on to Blair, wondering why she didn’t invite him to her party, when he wrote such super things about her, and her prowess in the sack, in his fanfiction.

“Yourrrrr soooo boootiful, Blairr!” 

“Why is everyone talking to me in Robot, today!”

Blair looks utterly confused throughout the entire slurred speech.  But, fortunately, for Dan, Chuck pulls him out of the party, before he can make TOO big of an ass of himself, by, say . . . vomiting on Blair’s dress . . .

Things get even more adorable, when Dan slumps down on the stoop of a random brownstone, and Chuck, being the good friend that he is, deigns to sit down next to him there (possibly soiling his designer pants), in a show of brotherly solidarity.  “I told you to get some ass, not to make one of yourself . . . by antagonizing Blair at her own shower,” Chuck explains.  “Clearly, you are in love with her.”

“Moi?” 

Donut Dan initially looks a bit dumbfounded by this accusation (then again, that’s probably just his Drunk Face), but can’t really deny it.  Then Chuck explains to him that, since they both lost the woman of their dreams to the Evil Louis-bot, they are really BOTH outsiders, in this situation.  Chuck then, more or less, carries Dan’s drunk ass back to the Hotel Empire, settles him down on the couch, and puts a blanket over his farmer flannel and weird hair, thereby making the world a safer place for men’s fashion.

Sweet drunky dreams, Donut Dan! 

In all seriousness, it’s a super sweet thing to do . . .

Source

And, fortunately, for Chuck, someone very special is there to witness it . . .

You see, when Blair came with her tail between her legs to apologize to Serena for the whole Accusing Her of Ruining Her Shower Thing, Serena, who has always been as much Team Chair as the rest of us, made sure to let Blair know that Chuck came to her shower to save it from Dan’s drunken antics.

So, Blair, of course, cannot resist paying the true love of her life a visit.  The look on Chuck’s face, when he turns around and sees her standing in his apartment says it all.

Source 

On one hand, he’s totally and completely enamored with her, and probably wants nothing more than to take her in his arms, rip off her dress, and make sweet, sweet love to her, right on top of Donut Dan’s drunk ass.  On the other hand, Chuck truly believes he’s lost her already.  So, having to face her, and be tempted like this, when he’s trying so hard to be a better man for her, seems like a cruel, cruel twist of fate.  “You shouldn’t have come here,” he says to her sadly.

Source 

“I know,” replies Blair solemnly, as she looks at Chuck with just as much love and adoration in her eyes, as she did that first time he managed to utter those important three words, eight letters to her.

It is like she is really seeing him . . . or, rather, the man he has become, for the first time.

“You’ve really been good this whole time, haven’t you?”  She asks.

AWWWW YEAH!

Then, they eye f*&k, the credits roll, and I melt into a little happy Chair-infused puddle on my couch.  Those Naughty GG writers, always saving the best moments of the show until 8:58 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.  But, of course, that’s why we love them . . .

Care to relive the magic?  Here you go!

You’re welcome! 

And hey, if the trailer’s for next week’s installment are any indication, there’s a whole lot more Chairy goodness where that came from.  You can check out the American and Canadian trailers for “Rhodes to Perdition” right here:

Good lord, I swear, Ed Westwick gets hotter, every week . . .

I literally drooled  all over my keyboard watching that American promo (which, surprisingly enough, I actually preferred to the Canadian one, this time around.  Go figure!).

So, what did you think of “All the Pretty Sources.”  Did Drunken Dan make you laugh?  Did Chivalrous Chuck make you melt?  Are you glad that Blair is finally coming to her senses about Louis-bot?  Do you honestly believe that Nate never sent a single piece of intel to Gossip Girl?  Are you sorry to see Diana go?   Do you wish Faux-Charlie, or Max McPoorPerson went with her?

Let me know in the Comments Section.  Until next time, XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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