Tag Archives: Pretty Little Liars

13 Things I Learned from Pretty Little Liars’ “Blood is the New Black”

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Hey, my Pretties!  Yes, yes, I know, I’m late.

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But don’t you worry.  This Pretty Little Recap will be short on words, and heavy on gifs and snark . . . just how you like it. 😉

(1) Want to find the perfect gift to show that special someone you care?  Might I suggest a piece of jewelry . . . a necklace, or a bracelet, perhaps . . . something that really expresses your true feelings.

You really want your recipient to feel like you’ve given him or her a PART of yourself in your gift .  . . like, for example,  a molar, some canines, and a few front teeth . . .

(2) If you own a particular item of value . . . something you REALLY don’t want to lose . . . might I suggest NOT dangling it over the automatic flush toilet, while gesticulating wildly, and bobbing your head up and down repeatedly, like a chicken at feed time?

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(3) Planning a trip to your local insane asylum?

Here are some items you might want to bring along: crossword puzzles, coloring books, board games, an “I’m with Wackadoo” t-shirt.  You what you should NOT bring?  Knives, razor blades, box cutters, tweezers, or anything that is remotely POINTY AND SHARP!

[Hmm . . . well, this was an interesting turn of events.  What’s with Mona and the sudden cutting tendencies?  Is she going to try to claim that Hanna MADE HER BLEED?  Was she hoping to take a DNA test to find out who’s her daddy?  Has she been jonesing to take up fingerpainting, and was simply out of red paint?  So many questions . . .]

(4) “Ambiguous loss.”

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It’s a clinical term for how you feel when your former best friend becomes a total psychopath, blackmails you, almost sends your mom and YOU to jail, ruins all your relationships, tries to kill you, and ends up in the nuthouse . .  .

.  . . where you feel an inexplicable desire to visit her regularly, read to her from teen magazines, and give her a makeover . . .

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(5) I might be persuaded to check myself into a mental hospital, if THIS was my Doctor Feel Good . . .

(6) When you are feeling super stressed .  . .

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 . . .  and your ABS-TASTIC boyfriend offers to give you a sexy back massage . . .

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 . . . don’t be selfish!

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Tell him, he has to take off his shirt, so we ALL can get some enjoyment out of this . . .

(7) Before trashing your dad’s office to wreak vengeance on the hussy he’s screwing behind your mom’s back . . .

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 . . .  all because of some ugly earring in his couch cushion that your sociopath friend TOTALLY planted there, because SHE was probably secretly banging your dad too . . .

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 . . .  you might want to make sure they are ACTUALLY HER EARRINGS’, first . . . (Maybe your dad wears earrings sometimes, Aria.  Ever think of that?)

(8) When pretending to be blind as part of an elaborately ridiculous scheme to ruin the lives of some of your high school classmates . .

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 . . .  the PUBLIC RESTROOM,where said classmates spend NEARLY ALL OF THEIR TIME . . .

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 . .   is probably not the place to start . . . you know . . . acting like you SEE . . . and stuff . . .

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[By the way, I am so proud of my girl Spencer for deciding to use the A-Team’s tactics against them, by saving the super juicy information about Not-So-Blind Jenna’s . . . um . . . not so blindness . . . for a rainy d-“A”-y.

 Game on, A-HOLES (which, by the way is my new name for the A-team.)! ]

(9) Worried about an upcoming exam?

Here are some study tips to make sure your ace your big test.  First, find a hot tutor, who you can stare at for extended periods of time, without getting bored or distracted.

 Two, do something to calm yourself before the exam, like meditation or listening to music.

And finally, make sure your friend’s mom is your teacher, so she can take the test for you . . .

[Hmm . . . why am I thinking the “A” team is somehow going to start blackmailing Aria’s MOM now.  This ought to be interesting.]

(10) There are plenty of schools in the Virginia area.  Why does every single person who has banged or wants to bang a Montgomery choose to teach at either Rosewood Prep or Hollis?

And finally . . .

(11) When the former Police Boy currently rotting away in jail under suspicion of double homicide tells you not to trust the people you care about, you should TOTALLY believe him.  I mean, nothing says trustworthy, like an orange jumpsuit, and Johnny Depp hair . . .

(12) This guy?

A TOTAL KEEPER.

And finally . . .

(13) Hoodies = The uniform for evildoing TV teens EVERYWHERE!

That’s all I’ve got folks.  Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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Unknown Caller – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 3 Premiere “It Happened That Night”

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Sorry, A!  It looks like we are going to have to save that request for Pretty Little Liars: Spring Break Edition . . . or at least until PLL gets picked up by HBO.

Welcome back, my Pretties!  Long time, no “A.” . . .

Let’s see, it’s been five months in Rosewood Time (and about three months in Real Time) . . .

 . . .  since the erstwhile social pariah, turned Queen B, turned psychotic lunatic with a text-messaging addiction, Mona van der Waal donned her evil black hoodie, and evil-er raccoon eye makeup, and took a long leap into a short ditch, but, miraculously, didn’t die.

So, what have our favorite PLL’s been doing during all this supposedly A-free time?  Let’s review, shall we?

Nightmare on Spencer’s Street 

Nearly two years ago, to the day, the pilot episode of PLL bean with what ended up being the Worst High School Sleepover Party EVER!  Sure, everything started out normal enough.  There was gossip, girly pop music, ambiguous liquor being consumed out of not-so-ambiguous red cups . . .

But then Ali snuck out for a quicky with Creepy Pedo Ian, and the rest is, for lack of a better term, “history.” . . .

And how do the girls plan on commemorating the proud day when their bestie got her head bashed in by a shovel?  By throwing another slumber party, of course!

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We get a creepy sense of deja vu as the girls listen to Rihanna (By the way, does anybody remember what pop song was playing during the pilot?), while drinking from those all-too-familiar red plastic cups, and discussing the summer that recently passed.  Emily spent her summer building homes in Haiti, where, at least according to Hanna, up to 50 people can live in one house.  (If that’s true, I wonder how many bathrooms she built.)  Aria and Spencer took college courses, while Hanna had an obscene amount of sex took cooking classes with Caleb.

What’s cooking, good looking? 

Just to remind the fans that she (or he, or they) is still around, “A” instructs the girls, via text message, to expose their tatas to the viewing audience.  Clever!  Maybe the real “A” is a dude, after all . . .

In hindsight, I think the point of the text was to foreshadow that the girls were under close surveillance by at least one member of the so-called “A” team.  But at the time it just made me giggle . . . you know, because they said “boobs” on the “Good Little Christian Channel” that is ABC Family . . . also, because I’m 12 . . .

Emily, who has been getting progressively drunker by the minute (By the way, Drunk Emily = My New Favorite Character on this show), thinks the whole “show your boobs” thing is a Great Idea!  And if this show actually had any male fans, I suspect they would too.

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Now, in most cases (with the exception, perhaps, of during Mardi Gras0, when a woman starts offering to expose herself in public, that’s a pretty good indicator that she should be cut off, liquor-wise.  “Nahhhh, you just keep getting sh*tfaced,” decides Hanna.

And why not?  After all Drunken Exhibitionist Emily is SOO much more fun than the mopey sober one, who whines aout Maya being dead / missing all the time.

On second thought, I may have spoken a bit too soon.  In the course of about a minute, Emily morphs from being a slightly jaded, but still hilarious drunk, to a killjoy depressive drunk.  (Isn’t that always how it works?)  When Spencer brightly tries to engage the girls in a toast to their upcoming senior year . . .

 . . .  Debbie owner Emily reminds them all that Maya will never get to be a senior . . . you know, because she’s like . . . dead . . . and stuff.

(Don’t fret, Emily!)  Maya DID make it to her senior year .  . . about ten years ago . . .  on Dawson’s Creek.

Now, it’s the middle of the night, Aria and a very hungover Hanna (Both girls must have been pretty hammered to fall asleep with their boots on . . . SOOO uncomfortable) . . .

 . . . wake up to find the front door to Spencer’s home open, and both Spencer and Emily MIA.

As if on cue, Spencer rushes own the stairs to inform the girls that Emily is, in fact, gone.  (Sound familiar?)

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Yes, Spencer, you looked everywhere . . . including upstairs, even though the most obvious place to look for Emily was OUTSIDE considering that the DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN.

And you’re supposed to be the Smart One!

Now, Spencer has always been my favorite little liar . . . after Hanna . . . and now Drunk Emily.  But even I have to admit, her actions throughout this scene were SUPER SHADY with a capital “SUPER,” especially considering that she was also the first PLL to notice that the now-dead Ali was missing the summer prior.

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First off, why didn’t Spencer think to call Emily’s cell phone, the minute she noticed she was missing . . . like Hanna does, just moments after she awakens.  Oh wait . . . she did . . . only she blocked her number from Emily’s phone.  Spencer, of course, claims to have no memory of this call.  She claims that someone must have come into the house and made the call, while she was asleep.  o we believe her?  For now, I think we do.  But it’s still mighty suspicious . . .

The Grave Mistake

Anyway, back to Drunk Emily.  Now, when some people get wasted, they black out and wind up in bed with inappropriate people.  Other people get waste, black out, and end up getting married at an Elvis Chapel in Vegas.  Still others get wasted, black out, and wake up in a pool of their own vomit.  Emily’s fate was worse than two of these options . . .

Hey, Ali.  Aren’t we a little too old for Hide and Seek?

I think we can probably assume, based on what we learn later in the episode that the A-team somehow further drugged Emily, shoved her in the trunk of one of their cars (Blind Jenna’s), drove her to the cemetery, dug up the body, then pulled Emily out of the trunk of the car, handed her the shovel and drove away.  That said, I’m not quite sure why Emily’s reaction to all this was to stand like a zombie over the empty coffin, still holding the shovel, from the time Hanna called her to the time the girls finally arrived at the cemetery to pick her up.

Nevertheless, the PLL girls, who’ve gotten pretty adept at cleaning up crime scenes, quickly wipe Emily’s prints off the offending shovel, and get the f*&k out of there.  For some reason, and I don’t exactly recall why, the group splits up.  Spencer and Emily return to Spencer’s house, to engage in a rather homoerotic exchange, in which Spencer demands that Emily strip for her, so that the former can burn her clothes, which can now be construed as evidence.  (Hey!  It looks like Emily got to show someone her boobs, after all!)

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Elsewhere, Hanna and Aria are shocked to find a new-and-not-so-improved Lucas (now with facial hair!) lurking around town in the middle of the night.  Could Lucas be a part of the mysterious “A” team?

Only time (and a few more episodes) will tell.

Anywhoo, Boss Woman Spencer unilaterally decides that the girls will all head to her creepy lakehouse (a.k.a. the place where Hanna and Caleb had sex on Spencer’s nanna’s couch), and claim to have spend the night there, thus providing them with an alibi for the grave robbing for which at least one of them looks extremely guilty . . .

You know what they say . . . if the shovel fits . . .

And it’s a good thing too, because, sure enough, the next morning, Ali’s body snatching is all across small-town news, and the girls need to have their story straight, when they are inevitably questioned by the cops about it . . .

Hmmm . . . so, let’s see.  What else happened this week?

Cooking with Caleb

Hanna talked dirty to Caleb . . . something about dongs . . . or is it “dong po.”  The pair cooked together, while Hanna fibbed about going to the shrink, when she’s actually been visiting Crazy Pants Mona this entire summer.  Caleb, of course, assumed that Hanna spent much of her time in therapy talking about him, because, and I quote “We are intimate.”

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In other news, Caleb now needs to turn in his Man Card, because, in the course of a single episode, he grocery shopped, used the word “intimate” to describe something other than underwear, and cooked a meal with a name that sounds specifically similar to a very private part of the male anatomy . . .

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In other couples’ news .  . .

In which Abs Toby gives Spencer a blue shirt (and blue something else) . . .

Abs Toby is a TOTAL TEASE!  First he parades around Spencer’s bedroom wet and half-naked all summer.  Then he lets her wear his shirt, and DENIES HER SEX.  (I’d say Toby has to turn in his Man Card too . . . but I can’t.  I mean, LOOK at those abs .  . .

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Speaking of Spencer, I should also note that, throughout the episode she gets calls from a blocked phone number, though she seems to know exactly who’s calling each time.  She keeps these calls a secret from the girls and Toby though, all of which makes her seem even more shady . . .

Eventually, we learn that those calls are actally coming from Police Boy Garrett, who seems to be using all his limited phone privileges on the little liar, who probably hates him the most.  So, I guess that means conjugal visits were probably out of the question . . .

“A police boy can dream, can’t he?” 

But more on those two, a bit later.  First we have to talk about Aria and her “thing” with bathrooms . . .

“Hey, remember that time you and I almost banged in a dirty bar bathroom?  Good times!”

Meanwhile, over in Ezria land, Fitzy cleverly decides to remind Aria that this day is not just the day her friend’s rotten decaying corpse was stolen from the ground . . . nor is it the anniversary of the day that same friend was bludgeoned to death . . . it’s also the anniversary of the day the two of them met in a bar, and, moments later, almost got VD by banging in a dirty bar bathroom . . .

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Given those oh-so-fond memories, you would think that Aria would really LIKE bathrooms . . . but . . . apparently not.  Apparently, bathrooms give Aria panic attacks.

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No offense, Fitzy . . .

Anywhoo Aria’s and Fitzy’s plans to “Recreate the Date” of their first public restroom screw, are foiled when Aria gets called in by the cops for questioning about the disappearance of Ali’s body.  Mommy is there, when Aria’s finished.  And she has some not-so-kind words to say to Fitzy, while Aria’s isn’t around to hear them.

“HISSSSSSSS!”

(Did I mention that Mommy Montgomery and Daddy Montgomery are getting a divorce?  At least we won’t have to watch them making out anymore.  Yuck.)  Nevertheless, the two Aria lovers manage to retract their claws temporarily for Aria’s sake, and even agree to a sit down dinner date.  How very mature of them all . . . even the underage one . . .

OMG!  Psych Ward Mona is creepy.  Why the heck would Hanna . . .  WREEEEEENNNNN!

In slightly less happy couple news, Hanna just can’t seem to “quit” Mona, even though the latter pretty much ruined her entire life, and possibly tried to have her killed on more than one occasion.  Unbeknownst to the rest of the PLL girls (though she eventually comes clean later in the episode), she’s been visiting the wackadoo at what appears to be the psych ward from Every Bad Horror Movie Ever .  . . all the way down to the pee-colored yellow walls, saggy beds, and, of course, dirty chairs.  Hang out too long in a place like this, and if you aren’t already crazy, you’ll be there in a month or so .  . .

“Mona, girlfriend.  You’ve gotta cut those split ends from your hair.  And the big baggy white nuthouse nightgown look is SOOOO last season.” 

I’ve seen toilet bowl seats that were cleaner than this . . . 

So as not to clue anyone from town into her visits, Hanna’s been seeing Mona under a fake last name . . . wait for it . . . Rivers.  I guess Caleb Rivers would probably be amused to know this . . . after all, the two ARE “intimate” . . .

Of all the PLL girls, Hanna was, by far, the closest to Mona.  She truly considered the girl a friend, having confided many secrets in her, as the pair traveled the ranks of popularity together.

This makes Mona’s betrayal wound Hanna much deeper than the other girls.  And so she finds herself in desperate need of closure.  She needs to know why.

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Unfortunately for Hanna, Mona isn’t exactly in the closure-giving mood, lately.  Rather, she is in the stare at the wall blankly and drool mood.  In fact, the only time we get any sort of reaction from Mona, is the SUPER CREEPY smile she gets on her face when she hallucinates “Ali” reading Lolita, in the chair behind Hanna.

Is Mona for real?  Is she faking it?  There’s one scene in the episode, in which Mona rises to watch Hanna converse with the doctors and nurses outside Mona’s door, that seems to suggest that is exactly what she is doing.

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“PEEKABOO, I SEEEE YOUUUUU!”

But one thing is for sure, Mona didn’t act alone as “A.”  In fact, the girls can pinpoint at least two times during which Mona COULDN’T have done the things that “A” did.  One of them was the time “A” snuck into Emily’s spa session and massaged her.  (Mona was with Hanna at the time.)  The second one was moving Ian’s hanging body from the bell tower.

“Just hanging out.”

Mona simply isn’t strong enough for that.  The question, of course, is who was helping Mona complete these tasks, and more importantly why.  The seeming lack of motive for these torture sessions are the most confusing thing about them.

But enough about that.  Let’s talk about WREEEENNNNNNN!

Wren’s position as the Only Doctor in Rosewood, apparently extend to psych wards.  (When does this guy sleep?)  For a guy with romantic feelings for Spencer, Wren seems oddly invested in Mona’s fate, even going as far as to personally call Hanna on the phone to  ensure that she continues visiting the looney tune.

Next week, we’ll learn that Wren’s father suffered from mental illness (schizophrenia, perhaps?).   I have to say, I kind of love the writers for taking the time to explore, and provide a back story for this seemingly side character . . . And not just because he’s super hot, and has an adorable accent . . . well,  maybe 95% of my interest has to do with that.  But the last 5% is totally intellectual, I swear! 😉

Speaking of the boys of PLL, what’s the deal with Lucas?  I used to ship him with Hanna.  And now, all the sudden, much like Mona, he’s wandering around town disaffected and zombified.  (Perhaps, being part of the A-team means becoming a zombie.  That would be an interesting supernatural twist on this mystery, wouldn’t it?)

That said, I have to say, the black clothes, and slight facial hair, really work for this guy.   He looks so dark and tortured now.  Sexy . . .

Why Emily needs Ginko-Baloba

Speaking of people who have been a little off lately, Emily definitely seems to be going off the rails a bit.  On registration day at school, she hangs back from the girls, staring at the longingly from outside the school.

(What’s with all the creepy staring in this episode?)

 Upon meeting with her old pal, and sort-of/kind of erstwhile boyfriend, Abs Toby, Emily admits to having developed quite the little drinking problem over the summer.  In fact, the opening scene of the episode, is far from the first time she’s blacked out,  “lost time,” and awoken to find that she’s done something she wouldn’t normally do .  . . you know, like have sex with inappropriate people, get married in Vegas, or sleep in your own vomit.

Abs Toby, being Abs Toby is super supportive, and not-at-all judgmental of Emily, which is exactly what she needs right now.  He tells her that her friends love her for who she is . . . a drunk, who’s sometimes slutty, and possibly enjoys digging up dead bodies,  just as much as she enjoys building homes in Haiti.

Back at home, we see that much of Emily’s problem is that she still really hasn’t adjusted to Maya’s disappearance.   We watch as she sadly wraps one of Maya’s picture, with a scarf the latter gave her, back when the two started dating.

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Man, this episode is depressing . . .

In brighter news, Emily’s memory from at least one of her drunken blackout moments seems to be coming back to her.  Out for a head-clearing jog, Emily sees a car (It’s actually the same one we saw the no longer blind Jenna driving, back in the season finale.) . . .

 . . .  and distinctly remembers being stuck in it’s trunk on the night of the grave robbing.  She’ll get her answers yet.   If she can stop getting wasted long enough to comprehend them . . .

In which Police Boy Garrett begs for Spencer’s help, upon learning that all those rumors about jailhouses and dropped soap are 100% true.

Speaking of wasted, Police Boy Garrett is in bad shape.  The guy who used to bone both Blind Jenna, and B*tch Sister Melissa, positively reeks of desperation, when Spencer visits him in his jail cell, after he’s called her phone about a dozen times from the pokey.  One sight that Police Boy is in trouble, the new hairdo . . . it’s kind of sexy, in a badass sort of way.  And if I like it, you can be assured that the other inmates do too, if you catch my drift.

Watch out, Police Boy.  I hear some of your cell mates are really big fans of The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

Apparently, Police Boy’s defense lawyers had just petitioned the exhumation of Ali’s body, claiming that something on her year-long rotted corpse could prove his innocence.  This means that the “A” team in which he used to be a part, severely betrayed him by taking the body, quite possibly to protect themselves.  It puts him in a unique position to help the PLL girls, if they trust him enough to let him.  Police Boy Garrett tries to bargain with Spencer.  He’ll tell her what she knows, if she gets her mother to help with his defense.  You know, because Spencer’s mom is “the best lawyer in the country,” or something.

“In the words of Harvey Levin from TMZ, I’m a lawyer!” 

Understandably, Spencer isn’t too thrilled about helping the guy who almost got HER put behind bars for the exact same murder.  And yet, as she leaves the jail cell, there is something Police Boy Garrett say that gives her pause . . .

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He doesn’t know crap about Maya though, who he also supposedly killed.  I’m starting to think her death/disappearance might be completely unrelated to this whole “A” thing . . .

Field Trip to Creepo Motel

In other keeping secrets news, we learn that Spencer’s has been spending her spare time visiting, and trying to recreate “A’s” lair, which we got to see in last season’s finale.  Apparently, the place had been cleared out, pretty much instantaneously upon Mona’s arrest, and not by the cops either.  Spencer immediately suspects the  highly suspicious chick who dressed up the black swan at the girls’ junior prom.  You know, because everyone knows the Black Swan is ALWAYS NUTS!

Toward the end of the episode, the girls decide to take a little trip down to the place, to see what they can remember.  But when they emerge from the hotel, they have a little surprise waiting for them . . .

Ending episode scenes of PLL have always been my favorite parts of the episode, and this one is no exception.  You’ve really gotta love the CRAZY of these A people.  We find the car the PLL girls arrived in, open on all sides and positively littered with incriminating images of the girls at the cemetery the night of Ali’s grave robbing.  Once again, “A” appears to be all places at all times.  And if the message she (or he, or they) delivers to the girls at the end of the episode is any indication, New A means serious business.   “Mona played with dolls.   I play with body parts.  Game on, b*tches. – A.”

Quite a leap, from “Show me your boobs, right?”

Next week on PLL . . . (By the way, as always, the Canadian promo is about ten times better than the American one.  What gives, USA?)

Until next time, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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What’s on TV This Week? (1/29 – 2/4) – Spoilery Sneak Peeks from Once Upon a Time, Gossip Girl, PLL, Glee, and TVD

[ Gossip Girl’s “G.G.” and PLL’s “A Kiss Before Lying” recaps are both on their way!  I wanted to take a little extra time with these. Gossip Girl just celebrated it’s 100th episode, after all.  (That just doesn’t happen every day!)  Check back for both recaps within the next 24 hours . . .]

Greetings TV fans!  One of my absolute favorite new TV Trends is the Episode Sneak Peek, i.e. the Web Clip.  More and more lately, networks are releasing key scenes from their upcoming television episodes, a week early, in hopes of generating buzz about their shows, and, possibly, increasing ratings.

The way I see it, this is a win-win situation for both the network and spoiler-loving TV viewers like myself.  From the network’s perspective, it gives the corporate suits the opportunity to control which spoilers are leaked about their upcoming episode, while still giving impatient fans something to chew on, while they wait for the actual episode to air.

From the fan’s perspective, we sort of get to feel like we’re “cheating” the system, by getting the early scoop on select parts of upcoming episodes that only the most spoiler savvy of viewers get to see . . .

“Beating the system .  . . one YouTube video at a time . . .” 

This week, was particuarly exciting for me, because I managed to find webclips for nearly EVERY show I watch!  And these aren’t just throwaway scenes, either!  Some of the sneak peeks I found offer up some genuine hints as to what these shows’ upcoming episodes have in store for us.

From a torrid fairytale affair . . . to a royal wedding that positively NO ONE wants to happen  .  . . to a heart-wrenching betrayal . . . to a Michael Jackson-inspired sing-off . . . to an out-and-out war between two sets of vampire brothers, something tells me that this week’s television fare is going to be setting the internet a-blaze with heated discussions for weeks to come . . .

So, without further adieu, I proudly bring to you, This Week’s Collection of Spoilery Sneak Peaks . . .

Once Upon a Time

“I see youuuuu!” 

Episode 11 – Fruit from the Poisonous Tree

Airs: Sunday, January, 28th, 8.p.m. EST on ABC

Though I was initially drawn to this fairytale fantasy, due to it’s uniquely original concept, and wealthy of unabashedly nerdy literary nods . . . the complex, and suprisingly dark, love story between Snow White, Prince Charming, and their respective Storybrook counterparts, is one of the main reasons I keep returning, after week.

How much of a role should amorphous concepts like fate, instinct, and chemistry play in one’s pursuit of happiness?  Is it acceptable in life to hurt and betray others, in the name of True Love?  These intriguing questions are central to Once Upon a Time, in general, and Mary Margaret’s (i.e. Snow White’s) and David’s (i.e. Prince Charming’s) story, specifically.

In this first webclip from the upcoming episode, David and Mary Margaret sneak off for a romantic forest picnic, of which their fairytale counterparts — who memorably met one another in, more or less, these same woods — would most definitely approve.  And yet the happiness of this romantic reunion is shadowed by the fact that David is married to another woman, one who has been doing everything in her power to make their ailing marriage work . . .

What’s so interesting about this couple is how many complex emotions they bring about in the viewer’s subconscious.  On one hand, everybody knows that Prince Charming and Snow White belong together.  This is something we’ve taken for granted, since we were kids.  No one else will ever be quite as right for these two individuals, as they are for one another . . .

And yet, as far Mary Margaret and David are concerned, their life is not a fairytale.  They aren’t princes and princesses, but, rather, real people, with real responsibilities . .  both of whom (while, generally, still loveable) have some genuine character flaws.  And this raises a  difficult question: Does the fact that, in alternate universe, these two individuals lived Happily Ever After, justify what they are doing in this universe?

I guess that’s really up to the viewer to decide . . .

Our second webclip introduces us to the plot that I suspect will take up the bulk of the episode.  We know him as Sidney Glass, once-editor of The Mirror (Storybrooke’s local paper), and, up until this point, one of the malevolent Mayor’s strongest allies.

But in Fairytale land, he was the Evil Queen’s Magic Mirror.  And judging by the below scene, in both worlds, his tendency to portray the world exactly as he sees it, might end up leaving him shattered . . .

Anytime Once Upon a Time focuses an entire hour on one of its minor characters, it takes a risk of alienating fans who are watching the show, more or less, just for it’s leads (i.e. Emma, Mary Margaret, David, and the Mayor).  Some minor character episodes have been highly successful, at least in my humble opinion.  In fact “The Price of Gold” (which featured Cinderella’s story), and “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter” (which featured the now-dearly departed Sheriff Graham / The Hunter) were actually among my favorites of the entire series.  And yet, other minor character episodes, like “That Still Small Voice” (about Shrink Archie Hopper, i.e. Jiminey Cricket), and “True North” (about Nicholas and Eva, i.e. Hansel and Gretel) felt a bit flat to me.

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Having always been a sucker for characters who don’t always necessarily walk on the “straight and narrow,” but who, deep down, have a good heart, I found myself intrigued by Sidney Glass, ever since we met the character, early on in the series.  Even though he’s definitely a minor character, I think his story has a lot of potential, particularly, if it’s written in a way that illustrates him as a darkly complex character and morally ambiguous, as opposed to just another schlub the Wicked Mayor managed to buy off . . .

Oh, and The Stranger . . . he’s TOTALLY one of the Brothers’ Grimm, looking to rewrite fairytale history.  It’s SO obvious!

Gossip Girl

Episode 100, “GG”

Airs: Monday, Janury 30th at 9 pm. EST on the CW

As hit or miss as Gossip Girl has been lately, there was a time, not too long ago, when it was one of the best things on television.  The clothes were eviably hipper than most of us could afford.  The couplings and sexcapades were WHITE hot . . .

The plot lines ranged from laugh-out-loud funny to jaw-droppingly, OMFG, scandalous.  And there were enough snappy, snarky quotable lines in each self-contained hour to . . . for lack of a better phrase .  . .  fill a book . . .

It’s for this reason that I am SOOOO incredibly excited about this episode’s 100th episode extravaganza.  If the rumors are true, this hour of television will be jam-packed with homages to GG’s raunchiest moments, eye-popping blot twists, and most deliciously evil schemes and insults.

In short, it will be like Season 1, all over again.  And I, for one, can’t wait to celebrate the show that taught me, once and for all, that “tights are NOT pants!”

Of course, there’s that little unavoidable matter of Blair’s sham of a wedding to that cyborg Price of Dull, Louis-bot . . .

Ahhh . . . Chuck Bass . . . the only man who can cross his legs, and still look masculine doing it.  And that voice . . . I could listen to that voice reading a Depends commercial, and still get turned on.

Don’t worry, Chuck.  Blair CANNOT go through this wedding . . .  It would be positively un-holy for her to do so . . .

That said, you may want to get that adorably toned little butt of yours, over to the church, stat!  Because it looks like she’s actually made her way down the aisle, without angry GG fans tackling her, in protest . . .

Pretty Little Liars

Episode 18 – “A Kiss Before Lying”

Airs: Monday, January 30th, 8.p.m. on ABC Family

When you are being stalked by the mysterious “A,” who literally knows your every move, and can ruin your life for the slightest infraction, lying is pretty much part of your “job description.”

Throughout two seasons, we’ve seen the Rosewood foursome lie to practically everybody they know about something . . . their parents, their significant others, their siblings, even the police.  But when it’s revealed that one of the girls might be starting to crack under the pressure, and her boyfriend just might have the key to bringing down “A,” once and for all, the Pretty Little Liars find themselves in the unique predicament of actually having to lie to eachother . . .

Honestly, as far as webclips go, these were kind of disappointing.  After all, we already knew coming in to this episode, that the rest of the PLL girls were working with Caleb to continue hacking into A’s cell phone, and that they had all controversially decided to leave Hanna out of it.

That said, the show’s Season Finale is not too far away.  And with it will come the much-awaited reveal of “A’s” identity . . . Now, that we know this story actually has an endgame, the probability that the writers will drop important clues into upcoming episodes, like this one, is increasingly high . . . .

Glee

Episode 11 – “Wanna Be Startin Somethin'”

Airs: Tuesday, January 31st at 8 p.m., EST on Fox

After last week’s Yes/No episode, Gleeks were talking more about whether or not Rachel would accept Finn’s proposal of marriage, and less about the musical performances that dominated the hour.

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I suspect that for this week’s episode, which will feature a homage to the works of the late King of Pop, Michael Jackson, the opposite will be true . . .

Truth be told, in the past Glee’s artist-centric episodes haven’t been among their best received.   Both the Britney Spears and Madonna-themed episodes were harshly panned by the critics.  And, for me, Glee’s Fleetwood Mac-inspired “Rumors” stands out as one of the worst episodes in Glee history.  Only the Lady Gaga-inspired episodes, “Theatricality” and “Born this Way,” seemed to manage to stay above the fray . . .

Well . . . almost . . . 

All negativity aside, I actually think “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin'”  has the opportunity to become a Glee classic.  For one thing, Michael Jackson’s soleful and diverse catalogue of music . . . combined with his flare for flamboyant costumes, and seamlessly choreographed numbers . . . seems to dovetail really well with the things that Glee does best.

Plus, whereas the Britney Spears and Madonna-themed episodes’ so-called plotlines were eye-roll inducing in their ridiculousness.  (Laughing gas induced fantasy sequences?  Seriously?), the reason why all these Glee-kids are suddenly all hopped up on MJ, despite having been infants through most of his heyday actually makes sense . . .

And it’s all explained, quite succinctly, here . . .

How I adore this clip, let me count the ways . . .  For one thing, I’m thrilled to see New Directions actually THINKING about their Regionals set list, ahead of time, for a change, as opposed to . . . oh, I don’t know, coming up with it five minutes before the episode actually airs?

I was also a big fan of Artie actually admitting that he was just a year old, when Michael Jackson moonwalked.  (In truth, he was actually not even born yet, but  I digress.)  So, many times, I’ve wondered how the Glee kids’ music taste often vastly pre-dated my own (see Fleetwood Mac episode).  In this case, at least the writers are inserting some recognition of that disconnect.

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And I hate to say it, but I’m REALLY digging Sebastian as Glee‘s new super villain.   After all, Sue Sylvester can only try to bring down Glee club so many times.  And not since Jesse St. James stint with Vocal Adrenaline has the New Directions really had a worthy adversary, who wasn’t afraid to “fight dirty” to win the competition.

Speaking of worthy adversaries, there’s something incredibly enjoyable about watching Sebastian go to head-to-head with Santana.  They say “Greed is Good.”  But I say “Mean is Better.”

And these two have that down, in spades.   Plus, dare I say it, for two gay characters, these two have an astounding amount of sexual chemistry. Don’t believe me?  Check out this musical sing-off to MJ’s iconic “Smooth Criminal” . . .

(By the way, did anybody else find the cello players oddly constipated looking facial expressions during the number a bit disturbing?)

And, of course, no Glee artist-centric episode would be complete without an ensemble number in which every cast member dresses up in one of the artist-in-question’s most memorable outfits . . .

(I think Blaine is supposed to be Michael Jackson from the beginning of the Thriller video.  Am I wrong?)

The Vampire Diaries

Episode 312 “Bringing Out the Dead”

Airs: Thursday, February 2nd,  8 p.m. EST on the CW

TVD webclips are notoriously heavy on Damon snark and Eye Thing, while frustratingly light on actual plot points . . .

I suspect this has to do with head writer Julie Plec being a bit of a spoilerphobe.  But with good reason!  After all, apart from the immensely attractive cast, and interminable shipper wars, it’s really this show’s game-changing plot twists that keep us tuning in, week after week.

This week’s webclip features a shirtless Stefan (Haven’t seen that one, in a while!) . . .

 . . .  and a rather smug “I kissed Elena, and you can’t take that away from me” Damon . . .

 . . .  doing what they do best, bickering and scheming  . . .

Just to be clear, Damon and Stefan were TOTALLY eye-f*&king in this scene, weren’t they?  Clearly, I wasn’t the only one who noticed that . . .

One of the things TVD does best . . . apart from it’s unimaginably erotic and unbelievably addictive love triangles, of course . . . is it’s parallels and role reversals. Last season, Elena un-daggered Elijah, in hopes of finding a way to eliminate Klaus as a threat, without hurting the people she loved.

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Stefan dutifully went along with her plan.  While Damon was angrily outspoken about his mistrust for the Original Vampire (with good reason, as it turns out), and ended up taking matters into his own hands, in a way that neither Elena nor Stefan approved . . .

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Now, less than a year later, Damon is the one who has un-daggered Elijah . . .  (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?)

 . . . and is now looking to him for a possible alliance.  And Stefan is the mistrustful one, who’d prefer to take matters into his own hands . . .

But, of course, the parallels don’t end there.  There’s also the little matter of Damon locking lips with the girl Stefan always presumed was his own . . . despite the fact that his recent behavior has made a reunion between the two former lovebirds nearly impossible.

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And though, on the surface, these two brothers are fighting about vampire wars, and the efficacy of “old-fashioned” sitdowns, just beneath that surface lies a slow burn of love for the same woman, and with it, decades of jealousy, betrayal, and heartbreak . . .

That’s a whole lot of angst and complexity for one minute and 21 seconds, isn’t it?  You can imagine then, how intense the rest of the hour will be . . .

And there you have it, an entire week’s worth of juicy television, condensed down into a few short webclips.  I know I’ll definitely be tuning in . . . Will you?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Glee, Gossip Girl, Once Upon a Time, Pretty Little Liars, Spoilers and Sneak Peeks, The Vampire Diaries

Text Messages of the Damned – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 2 Premiere “It’s Alive”

Welcome back, my Pretties!  Oh, how I’ve missed you.  Heck, I’ve missed THIS SHOW!  With its Text Messages from the Great Beyond . . . its Creepy Characters, Who Always Pop Up at Precisely the WRONG Moment . . . its Villain “A,” who seems to gain increasingly ridiculous superpowers, with every episode . . . its suprisingly steamy romance scenes . . . its RAMPANT MALE SHIRTLESSNESS.  Did I mention the shirtlessness?

Well, HELLO Fitzy!  Welcome to the NAKED CLUB!

Though it got off to an admittedly slow start, this week’s season premiere of Pretty Little Liars definitely succeeded in giving us the best this show has to offer, with, not one, but TWO “I love you” declarations, multiple couple-y exchanges, a whole lot of Grade “A” craziness, and the return of two VERY frightening monsters . . . one with Furry Caterpillars Where His Eyebrows Should Be . . .

 . . . the other, a BONAFIDE ZOMBIE!

Man, this show is getting SCARIER than TVD!

Let’s review, shall we?

(Oh, and before I begin, a very special thanks to THIS spectacular website, for providing the Most Comprehensive Collection of Pretty Little Liars Screencaps on the planet!  Unless, it’s a GIF, if you see a picture in this recap that you like, it’s probably from THERE.)

People Not to Be Trusted #1 – Police Boy Garrett

Reason:  Because we KNOW where THAT tongue has been!

The season premiere begins EXACTLY where the Season 1 finale left off.   Our fabulous foursome have just left the church, where Purple-Faced Creepy Pedo Ian, who was last seen hanging from the rafters of the Church, has seemingly vanished into thin air, making our protagonists (who actually called the police, for a change) look like, for lack of a better term, “Pretty Little Liars.”

Outside the church, the girls talk nervously to one another, trying to convince themselves that what they saw was real . . . and that Creepy Pedo Ian is REALLY no more.  But the doubts are already starting to creep into their brains.  Did they really see what they THOUGHT they saw?  Or has “A” been playing tricks on them again?

 Meanwhile, seemingly the ENTIRE town of Rosewood has come out for this fun-filled local event.  After all, it’s not every day you get to see the dead body of a neighbor of yours, hung from the church ceiling, like a Christmas Tree ornament!

YAY!  Hangings are FUN!

 Unfortunately, for the people of Rosewood, Dead Body Watch is simply not in the cards for them.  This corpse has gone on vacation (probably with the dude from that old movie, Weekend at Bernies!).

Suddenly, the PLL girls are the MOST HATED KIDS IN TOWN!  How DARE they get their neighbors all excited about the opportunity to see their FIRST Dead Body (well . . . second, if you count Alison’s), and then NOT deliver!  FOR SHAME!  Fortunately, Police Boy Garrett swoops in to rescue them, before the tomatos and smelly shoes start being thrown. 

“Come with me,” says Police Boy gallantly.

Like Aria, I began to question Police Boy’s motives, the minute he refused to allow the teens to tell their parents they were heading down to the police station.  Granted, Police Boy’s superiors probably TOLD him to do this, in order to prevent the girls’ parents from immediately instructing them to ask for attorney representation, thereby stopping the investigation in its tracks.  But still . . . how many horror movies have YOU seen, where the innocent teens enter a cop car they think is safe, only to find out that the “Mild-Mannered Police Boy” in the front seat is really an INSANE PSYCHO KILLER?

My suspicions GREW, along with those of the rest of the girls, when Police Boy DID NOT, as promised, take the girls to the police station, but rather DROVE THEM TO A DESERTED STREET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND FORCED THEM OUT OF THE COP CAR!

Well girls . . . it was nice knowing ya!

Fortunately, for the PLLs, Police Boy actually seems LESS interested in ripping out their throats, and eating their faces for late night snack, and more concerned with COVERING HIS OWN ASS.  Remember, Police Boy Garrett has A LOT to hide from his superiors.  For starters, he’s in a relationship with the decidedly underage Creepy Blind Jenna (though the PLL girls don’t know this, yet).  He had also orchestrated the girls’ botched attempt to blackmail Creepy Pedo Ian into confessing to Alison’s murder, using the disturbing Snuff Porn-like video “A” sent to them (along with 10 Gs) as bait . . .

The girls promptly agree to keep their mouths shut about the video.  After all, none of the cops seem to believe anything they say, anyway. 

Oh, and I bet you will never guess who was conveniently lurking in the shadows, watching hearing this ENTIRE exchange take place, almost as though she had ORCHESTRATED THE WHOLE THING HERSELF?

So, much for finding a DESERTED PLACE WHERE NO ONE CAN OVERHEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE, Police Boy!  If Blind Jenna could hear you, chances are other people could have too!

People Not to Trust #2 – PLL PARENTS!

Allow me to introduce you to the Swell Parents of PLL, from left to right:  Mama “I Hit on My Students’ Teachers” Montgomery, Papa “Sleeps With Students” Montgomery, Papa “Win at All Costs” Hastings, Mama “Favors Her Older Daughter” Hastings, Mama “Slutty Thief” Marin (where’s Hannah’s absentee dad?), and Mama “Homophobe” Fields.

After suffering through hours of police investigation, the PLL girls head to Spencer’s house for a slumber party, except not much slumbering is occuring.  And when they head downstairs to get some coffee and refreshments, ALL their parents are there.  And they have some BAD NEWS.

Remember how last season, the cops thought Spencer was a TOTAL wackadoo liar, who might have actually been responsible for Alison’s death?  Well, now, apparently, in the wake of the Ian Thing, the blame has spread to all FOUR of the girls.  Now, the cops suddenly think the PLLs are OBSESSED with Creepy Pedo Ian, and are blaming Alison’s death on him, to cover up for their own wrongdoing. 

However, instead of working on getting the girls FOUR SEPARATE attorneys, like normal parents would do in this situation, the PLL Sucky Parent Club decide that the key to solving their kids’ problems is to have them ALL SEE THE SAME SHRINK TOGETHER!  Their rationale for this?  Apparently, the PLL Sucky Parent Club believes that the mere act of seeking professional help will make the kids look more LIKEABLE in the eyes of the cops and the press.

Never mind that these kids are actually WANTED FOR MURDER.  Don’t worry about the fact that they have all been TRAUMATIZED BY THEIR FRIEND’S DEATH, and may actually NEED psychological counseling on an INDIVIDUAL basis to cope with this.  All that’s important to THESE parents is that their kids LOOK sympathetic to the cops.  Parenting FAIL!

By the way, since when did the mere act of going to a shrink make a person more likeable?  Don’t get me wrong.  There’s absolutely NO SHAME in seeking professional help for personal issues.  I just don’t see the relationship between getting help, and looking “less guilty” during a police investigation.  Just sayin’.

Speaking of “awesome” parenting, did I mention that Abs Toby came to visit Spencer that morning, and her loving dad SLAMMED THE DOOR IN THE POOR GUY’S FACE?

That’s right, Pops!  This is EXACTLY what you should do when you are worried that your daughter might be having a nervous breakdown, SYSTEMATICALLY ISOLATE HER from all her friends / sole support system.  Great idea!

With parents like THESE, is it any wonder I am always making this face?

People Not to Trust #3 – Blind Jenna (but we already knew that)

In the subsequent scene, we see Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett cuddled together in Police Boy’s cop car for a little Makeout / Stakeout Session outside “Dead” Ali’s house, where they are inappropriately leering at Ali’s older brother, hot shirtless Jason, as he conveniently undresses in front of an open window.  Remember JASON, ladies?  Because, I sure do . . .

YUMMY!

For reasons, I simply cannot understand, Police Boy and Blind Jenna are not NEARLY as excited about Jason’s return to Rosewood as I am.  In fact, Jason makes them nervous . . . very nervous.   This, apparently, has something to do with a “Jason Thing” they don’t want anybody to find out about.  Wait a minute . . . a JASON THING?  So, let me get this straight.  The PLL girls had a Blind Jenna Thing.  And Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett have a JASON THING!  That’s a whole lotta “things”!

People Not to Trust #4 – Bushy Eyebrows Noel

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At school, Aria is excited to learn that her mom is moving back home to try and patch things up with her dad.  And blah, blah, blah.  I think I fell asleep during that scene. 

Even THEY look bored.

But things get interesting again, when we get to English class, and Aria is forced to confront Fitzy for the first time since the “Ex Girlfriend Jackie Incident.” 

AWK-WARD!

Now, I know Fitzy is supposed to be this “cool” teacher and all.  And he probably didn’t want to stir up any more speculation regarding his relationship with Aria than probably already existed, particularly considering he was LEAVING HIS JOB SO HE COULD DATE HER.  

But I still think Aria’s main man should have said SOMETHING about the extremely cruel Hangman Chalk Drawing on the board, with the word “liars” more or less spelled out beneath it, in obvious reference to the PLL girls’ statements regarding Creepy Pedo Ian.  I mean, that was just an inappropriate thing for a student to do.  (Though, even I’ve got to admit, it was pretty damn funny!)

What can I say?  I couldn’t resist!

English class goes from bad to worse for our female heroines, when Bushy Eyebrows Noel returns from his suspension, seemingly primed for revenge against Aria and Fitzy.  The twin caterpillars on his forehead nearly do a little Dance of Joy, when he turns toward Aria, and leeringly asks her, “Miss me?”  I literally got chills . . .

People Not to Trust #5 – Mona Your Fellow Classmates

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In the hallways, the PLL girls find themselves the subject of some pretty harsh ridicule, as a result of the publicity they garnered from the Ian Thing.  And when Hanna’s so-called pal Mona overhears the gossiping, I half expected her to join right along.  (Remember when Mona told the whole school that Hannah had liposuction?  Good times!)  But Mona surprises me, by sticking up for her friend publicly in front of her detractors.  “I don’t know what’s more pathetic,” begins Mona.  “People who gossip, or people who LISTEN to gossip.”  (And MONA would know!)

After the girls leave, Mona then tries to cheer up her downtrodden pal, by remarking on one of the “gossipers’ Flat Asses, and how bad they look in skinny jeans.  And I must admit, the exchange made me like Mona just a little bit more.  So, we all know she’s going to have to screw it up soon, right?

People Not To Trust #6 – FITZY(?)

Meanwhile, in the same hallway, Spencer and Aria are marveling over how popular Bushy Eyebrows Noel has suddenly become.   (Perhaps, the caterpillars on his forehead possess some weird mind control powers over the masses?)

Fitzy interrupts the exchange, calling Aria back into his classroom to have wild and crazy sex on top of his desk “talk about her English paper.”  Aria seems skeptical of the request, but ultimately complies.

Like Mona before him, Fitzy wins some points with me, by not immediately jumping into his “you have to forgive me” for lying about my ex-girlfriend routine.  Fitzy’s no dumby.  He’s heard the gossip about the Ian Thing, and can see how Aria and her friends are being treated at school.  He offers Aria comfort and support, and wants her to know she doesn’t have to go through this alone. 

But Aria is still really hurt about the Jackie Thing, and feels as though it has irrevocably changed things between her and Fitzy.  Fitzy insists to Aria that NOTHING has changed, and that he still loves her.  (Easy for HIM to say.  HE wasn’t the one who had the run-in with the dreaded Ex.)  When Aria doesn’t respond to his statement in kind, Fitzy wonders out loud whether they are over.  Aria says that she doesn’t know. Then she dashes from the room. 

No sex in the English class room for Fitzy!  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time!

People Not to Trust #7 – Abs Toby’s Family (and Spencer’s)

Hanna and Aria aren’t the only ones having lousy days.  Spencer is having one too.  First, she goes to sneak a visit to Toby’s and is told by Blind Jenna that Toby’s parents have forbade him to see her.  Of course, it is uncertain whether this is the TRUTH, or if Blind Jenna is just saying this so her little rape victim can’t get laid away from home.  “Whatever little ‘thing’ you had with him is over,” seethes Blind Jenna, before slamming the door in Spencer’s face.

At the Hastings’ house, Police Boy Garrett is questioning an annoyingly inconsolate Melissa about Creepy Pedo Ian’s disappearance.  Spencer arrives home, and Melissa starts screaming at her, telling her that as soon as Creepy Pedo Ian returns FROM HELL! the two of them are leaving town.  Because Melissa DOES NOT want her Satan Spawn baby consorting with the likes of Spencer.  NO SIR! 

Rather than trying to convince their older daughter that their younger one isn’t EVIL, Spencer’s parents just stare dumbly at the wall in front of them.  This prompts Spencer to (correctly) note that, even though the Hastings have TWO daughters, they are only protecting one.  YEAH, SPENCER!  You tell that Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill and her two middle-aged minions what’s what!

People Not to Trust #8 – Emily’s Mom (and the Creepy Realtor)

Emily is sitting in her bedroom watching internet porn . . . er .  . . I mean the creepy tape showing Blind Jenna raping Toby.  A realtor comes by.  He’s helping Emily’s mom to sell and/or rent out the house, so that the Fields’ family can go and be with their dad on the army base in Texas.  The realtor seems creepily interested in Emily’s personal memorabilia, like her childhood pictures, and her Wall Height Chart.  And yet, he tells her that she will have to remove all personal affects from her home in order to help it sell better.  Emily scowls . . . eager to return to her Rape DVD.

People We Can TOTALLY Trust #1 – ADORABLE LUCAS!

I smell bromance!

My SECOND favorite scene in this week’s season premiere just so happened to be one of the shortest.  In it, Adorable Lucas drives a Lovestruck Caleb back into town, and drops him off at a nearby hotel.  As Caleb is exiting the car, Lucas leaves him with these parting words, “Listen, I don’t know what you did to Hanna . . . but don’t do it again.”

We now return to our regularly scheduling programing of UNTRUSTWORTHY characters . . .

People Not to Trust # 9 – Shrink Anne Sullivan

I have to say, I don’t blame Hannah the least bit, for preferring Retail Therapy to THIS Grief Counseling B.S., and trying to skip out on the session.  For one thing, why on Earth would the parents agree to let their kids attend grief counseling TOGETHER.  How can a teenager POSSIBLY feel comfortable letting out their deepest darkest feelings, while the three people who’s opinions of them matter most are listening?

Beyond that, I didn’t trust THIS shrink, AT ALL, from the minute she appeared on screen!  And, as the episode progressed further, I grew to trust her less and less.  (Way to give a warm fuzzy message to the kiddies about seeking professional help for mental issues, ABC FAMILY!)

I don’t think it is any accident at all that this counselor’s name is “Anne Sullivan,” as in the noted teacher of blind and deaf heroine and phenomenon, Hellen Keller.  Just out of curiosity, who ELSE do we know that’s BLIND on this show?

Just sayin’!

Anywhoo . . . not much happens during this first therapy session.  The girls just awkwardly rehash how they grew apart, following Alison’s initial disappearance, and reunited, after her body was found.  Ms. Sullivan notes that, under psychiatrist / patient privilege everything the girls say in the counselor’s room is private.  The girls seem tempted to divulge their deepest darkest secrets.  But, ultimately, they don’t. 

And . . . judging by what happens later in the episode, that’s probably a GOOD THING!

Outside the therapist’s office, the girls find a local paper, featuring the four of them on the front page.  To their chagrin, the article suggests that Ian skipped town on Melissa, and the foursome knew about it / attempted to cover it up.  Apparently, Ian’s car was found in the woods, abandoned, with $10,000 stowed away in the backseat . . . i.e the blackmail money the girls attempted to offer Ian during the finale.

SURPRISE!  It’s time for another text from “A.”  This one says, “I spy a liar.”  OK, I’m sorry, A, but that was just lame, particularly for a FIRST post hiatus text message.

The only thing that makes SPENCER feel better about this moment is that Toby seems to be there waiting for her. 

Except, as it turns out, he’s NOT waiting for Spencer . . . he’s waiting to pick up Blind Jenna from some appointment he had to attend. 

(You know, this ENTIRE episode seemed to point to Jenna and Police Boy Garrett working together as “A.”  Of course, knowing this show, this probably means that neither of them are “A.”  Still, this devilish duo DOES seem to always be around when “A” is doing her nastiest deeds.)

People Not to Trust #10 Caleb(?) and Mona (I knew she’d somehow wind up back on this list.)

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 Hannah comes home from an afternoon of shopping and head shrinking to find Caleb waiting for her in her kitchen.  After making sure her daughter is OK, Mama Marin rises to leave the two lovebirds alone.  Poor Hanna is CLEARLY affected by her Virginity Removers unexpected return to Rosewood.  But she stays strong, and tries to remain stoic.  “You not allowed to . . . look at me like that,” scolds Hannah, as the Caleb Puppy Dog Eyes begin to work their magic on her recently iced over heart . . .

FINALLY, Caleb gets to tell Hanna about the Goodbye Letter he gave to Mona to deliver to her.  FINALLY, he gets to tell her how he feels, and how truly sorry he is for SPYING ON HER for Batsh*t Crazy Blind Jenna!  (It SURE took him long enough!)  “Most of my life, I have felt alone . . . even when I was with people . . . until I met you . . .  If you let me, I will make it up to you .  . . I love you,” Caleb explains, his eyes welling up with big hearty man-tears, as he speaks.

Oh, hormones!  How you wreck me!

Though moved by Caleb’s words, Hanna stays strong, unable to get past the VERY personal way in which Caleb betrayed her.  For those of you who have forgotten . . .

*whistles*

Caleb is crushed by Hanna’s refusal to forgive him, and her seemingly cold response to his love declaration.  But he understands why Hanna feels the way she does, and accepts it . . . for now.  “Goodbye, Hannah,” he tells her sadly before exiting the house, for what he probably believes will be the last time. 

It is not until after Caleb leaves that Hanna finally allows those long suffering tears to escape her eyes.

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I’ve gotta be honest.  The whole thing is pretty darn depressing.  And yet, things are about to get worse for poor Hanna!

Our heroine heads immediately to the local coffee shop to confront Mona for failing to give Hanna Caleb’s letter.  I must admit, when Mona first threw away Caleb’s Goodbye Love Letter to Hanna, I was the first one to accuse her of doing it out of petty jealousy.  And yet, upon being confronted, Mona’s assertion that she did it to protect Hannah’s heart from being broken again seemed surprisingly genuine.  (I can’t BELIEVE I’m actually saying something nice about Mona today.  What’s wrong with me?)

That being said, those MASSIVE Eiffel Tower earrings and that CLOWN lipstick HAVE TO GO!

Hanna wasn’t about to forgive Caleb, and she’s CERTAINLY not going to forgive her best friend for HER betrayal.  For a split second, I actually found myself feeling bad for Mona, who, let’s face it, really doesn’t have any other friends to fall back on, after this.  But then THIS happened, and ALL that good will, I had just built up for Mona went flying RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW!

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HOLY MOTHER OF UGLY CATERPILLAR EYEBROWS!  Mona is swapping spit with Bushy Eyebrows Noel!  Hell has obviously frozen over . . .

People Not to Trust #11 – Crazy Nanny Carrie Spencer’s Sister, Melissa

Remember back when the PLL girls orchestrated a date night for Emily and Maya, when their parents wouldn’t let them see one another? 

Well, as it turns out, Emily is ready to return the favor, by orchestrating a little secret date time at HER house for Spencer and Abs Toby.  Spencer prepares for her Big Night Out by stepping into something a bit sluttier more comfortable . . .

So, of course, Cockblock Melissa has to come in and RUIN EVERYTHING!

GRRRR!

Apparently, Melissa suffers from some kind of Multiple Personality Disorder.  Just a few hours ago, she was AFRAID TO LET SPENCER NEAR HER BABY, afraid that the mere proximity would cause her precious child to contact Pretty Little Cooties.  But now, suddenly, Melissa is the PERFECT Big Sis, promising not to rat Spencer out for going on her secret date, and telling Spencer that she “believes her” about Ian.  “I know he would NEVER leave me to bang more underage chicks, like Ali, and you, and Blind Jenna,” coos Melissa nauseatingly.

She then lets Spencer in on a little secret, the name of her future child.  It’s “Taylor.”  Damn it!  That was going to be the name of MY future child, if I ever decided to have kids.  Well, SCRAP THAT!  (By the way, remember this little tidbit of info, because it’s going to become important later.)

Suddenly, Melissa wants to know EVERYTHING about Spencer’s adventures with “A.”  (How convenient!)  Not able to say no to her SHREW of a sister, who so rarely acts like a human being, that Spencer really must take advantage of the rare moments when this occurs, the younger Hastings sister reluctantly texts Emily to cancel her date with the Tobster.

Back at Emily’s house, Toby does carpentry work for Emily (OK, when did the character formerly known as Creepy Toby suddenly become the PERFECT SPECIMEN of man). 

And though he is clearly disappointed about being ditched by his girlfriend, the Tobster still manages to share a sweet moment with Emily, promising her that all is forgiven between them, and that the two will still be friends, even after she leaves for Texas.  (Repeat after me:  AWWW!)

People Not to Trust #12 – YOURSELF (around a Shirtless Fitzy)

SQUEE!  It does SQUATS TOO!

So, remember when I told you that the Adorable Lucas scene was my SECOND favorite one in the hour.  Well, THIS one was my favorite.  This, of course, had nothing at all to do with the dialogue between Aria and Ezra, and EVERYTHING to do with THIS . . .

OK ladies!  For those of you out there who have EVER tried to make the argument that Fitzy and Aria have NOT done the deed yet, this episode should absolutely, positively prove you WRONG!  Because here’s the thing, had Aria not ALREADY made herself EXTREMELY familiar with Fitzy’s “goods” there is NO WAY IN HELL that she would have been able to carry on a semi-intelligent conversation with him for three minutes, while he was looking LIKE THAT!  It’s scientifically impossible!

Holy heck!  Who knew THAT was underneath all those geeky sweatervests and button down shirts Fitzy always wears.  If I was a guy and looked like him, I’d never wear clothing AT ALL!

But I guess I should at least somewhat mention the conversation that took place in this scene.  Fitzy thanks Aria for coming to see her.  He encourages her to talk about all the crap that’s going on in her life.  He promises her that she is not alone, because she has him, basically saying all the right things to get back into his girlfriend’s panties good graces.

Then Fitzy allows Aria to play Twenty Questions with him.  She starts peppering him with questions about his relationship with Jackie.  Was he on the rebound, when he met her?  He says he wasn’t.  And yet, he WAS technically still in love with Jackie, on that fateful day when Aria and Fitzy banged in the bathroom . . .

Hmmm . . . interesting.

Fitzy realizes he probably screwed up by saying that, so he uses his poetry skills to try and dig himself out of the massive hole into which he just dug himself.  “There is not one moment when we were together when I was ever thinking about ANYBODY other than you,” he offers.  “You know what I love about Saturdays?”  He adds.  “It’s looking up and realizing we have the WHOLE DAY to be together.”

Well played, Fitzy.  But, unfortunately it wasn’t enough.  When everyone’s favorite Naked English teacher asks Aria to spend the day with him, she declines.  She doesn’t even agree to CALL him the next day.  OUCH!   Maybe the sex isn’t that good?

 As Aria is leaving Fitzy’s place, she gets  a text from “A.” 

It’s a photograph of Fitzy’s home office.  Apparently, “A” has removed the spare key from under his mat, and took the liberty of letting him or herself inside.  I vaguely recall Police Boy Garrett snatching that key last season.  Intriguing . . .

People Not to Trust #13  – THE WORLD!

Together once again, the PLL’s make a joint decision to spill their guts to Shrinky Dink Anne Sullivan.  They even plan to show her the Rape DVD of Blind Jenna (wonder how Abs Toby would feel about that), and the Snuff Porn Ali and Ian film, both of which are currently stored on Emily’s computer.  (Note: Important.)  The foursome schedule an appointment with Shrinky.  However, just when they are about to show her the video, Hannah notices an interesting diploma on the wall.  It’s Fitzy’s.

I have to admit, when I first noticed the diploma, I didn’t make the right connection.  My first thought was that Anne Sullivan was Fitzy’s MOM!  (Though now I see, the age difference is a bit too small for that.)  After a few moments, however, I realized what the PLL’s did.  That “A” had clearly stolen Fitzy’s diploma, and put it in Anne Sullivan’s office, as a warning to them against spilling the beans to her about what they knew.

The question is, who else, aside from the PLL’s would realistically make an appointment with a grief counselor, in order to have access to her office.  Once again, all signs point to Blind Jenna . . .

“It always comes back to me, doesn’t it?”

Suitably freaked out, the girls rush out of Shrinky Dink’s office, making sure to take Fitzy’s diploma with them.  This pisses off La Shrinka ROYALLY, and she responds by telling all the PLL’s parents that they shouldn’t hang out together anymore.  WOW, that’s pretty much the WORST ADVICE a grief counselor could give a group of girls who are EXPERIENCING LOSS, DON’T TRUST ANYONE, and ASIDE FROM ONE ANOTHER FEEL COMPLETELY ALONE.  And yet, all the PLL parents think this is a FABULOUS idea.

No wonder teens don’t listen to their parents!  The adults on EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY teen-oriented show I watch SUCK SERIOUS ASS!

I am REALLY hating this Shrink Lady.  So, much so, that when she was getting stalked as she left her office, I was kind of hoping “A” would kill her.  Except “A” would never do that, because Shrink Lady is CLEARLY in cahoots with “A.”  Because, think about it WHO ELSE would want to separate the PLL girls, so that she or he can work on them separately and make their lives miserable.  It wouldn’t be the first time “A” tried to break up the PLL crew!

Be afraid, PLLs!  Be very afraid!

Speaking of afraid, Spencer is home alone, and hears a noise in her kitchen.  For a few dreamy seconds there, I was kind of hoping it was the same person who made the NOISE in her kitchen LAST TIME this happened!

Come back, Dr. Wren!  I MISS YOU!

But Spencer’s had kind of a bad day.  So, she doesn’t think her intruder is Drunk Wren, at all.  Rather, she’s convinced it is SOMEONE TRYING TO MURDER HER.  And so she takes a page out of the Scream handbook, and does THIS . . .

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Except the Psycho Killer actually ends up being ABS TOBY!

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(Hey, Spencer got to make use out of that slutty top, after all!)

“I had to see you,” Toby whispers in Spencer’s ear sweetly, as the two rush into one another’s arms for a tearful embrace. 

I really do heart these two.  I especially loved when Toby left the house after sex with Spencer their date, and protectively told Spencer to “lock the door.”  Spencer’s response, “yes sir,” was so flirtatiously cute, and so “un-Spencer,” it totally gave you an idea of how smitten these two individuals are over one another.

Alas, things in the Hasting’s household can never stay sweet for long!  Spencer soon finds a new text message on her sister’s cell phone (Why did that asshat leave it home, after she JUST got it back?).  It’s from a blocked number.  The text says something about the person not being able to tell Melisssa his or her whereabouts, because it is “not safe yet.”

A freaked out Spencer, immediately texts all the PLL’s with an SOS.  The foursome sneak out of their houses and meet up in a random greenhouse.  (Who the heck has a random greenhouse, in Rosewood?  Just sayin’.)  The girls immediately wonder whether IAN is alive and well, and texting Melissa.  To test this theory, they ask him a question they ASSUME only Ian would know, the name of his future child.  The texter responds correctly, “Taylor.”

It’s ALLLLLIIIIIIIIVE!

Except, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure that text WAS from Ian.  After all, considering how much “A” knows about all the girls that nobody else does, who’s to say she couldn’t have picked up that specific piece of information about the name of Melissa’s future baby.  Regardless, the PLL girls are understandably pissing in their pants now.

But the real kicker comes at the end of the episode when GLOVED HAND reappears.  This time he or she has made an appointment with the Fields’ realtor to see their house.  While there, the person ERASES EMILY’S ENTIRE HARDDRIVE, including all the incriminating DVD’s thereon. 

OK, I’m sorry, but Emily must be a friggin moron.  Why the HELL would you leave your VERY VALUABLE laptop out in the open when LOTS OF RANDOM people would be stopping by to SEE YOUR HOUSE?  Didn’t what happened to Spencer’s laptop at the dance last season teach you anything? 

More interesting than Emily’s stupidity though, is the fact that Gloved Hand HAS to be an adult.  After all, a Realtor wouldn’t in good faith show a home for sale to a TEEN, like Jenna, Mona or Noel, would they?  This little clue would serve to point a finger to some of the OLDER suspects on the show, like, for example, Police Boy Garrett, Ali’s brother, Jason, Anne Sullivan, or even Fitzy.  Then again, “A” could still be a teen who merely HIRED someone to do this for him or her.

“OK . . . now, I’m totally confused!”

And, there you have it:  our first Season 2 PLL episode, in a VERY LARGE nutshell.  Did it live up to your expectations?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Hey Ian! How’s it Hanging? – A Recap of the Pretty Little Liars’ Season Finale “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

 

When a television show ends with someone being shot, or blown up, recappers typically describe it as “ending with a bang.”  Well . . . this episode of PLL ended with a hang . . .

Ummm . . . nice scarf?

Wildly inappropriate corpse jokes aside, Pretty Little Liars’ season one finale definitely did not disappoint, this week.  In fact, the entire hour was jam-packed with twists and turns, unusual (and, sometimes,  downright icky) alliances, oodles of OMG moments, and, of course, plenty of “A.”  (Though, admittedly, all these supposedly “SCAAAAARY” text messages are getting a bit . . . how do I put this kindly . . . LAME!)

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OK . . .  maybe that was putting it less than kindly.

So, what are we waiting for, my Pretties?  Let’s get that bell tolling!

Video Killed the Blind Incestuous Porn Star

Hanna:  “Wait to go, Tobster!  Look who’s rocking the ABDOMINALS!”

Spencer:  “Shut up!  He’s mine!  You already have three love interests!”

Hanna:  “Come on!  I only have TWO!  Everyone knows that Weiner head Sean doesn’t count!”

The finale episode begins precisely where we left off last week.  The PLL girls are huddled together in bed (kinky!) watching the disturbing videos captured on the flash drive that Dead Ali stored away in her Tweety Bird lunchbox, before she died.  In addition to some SUPER CREEPY images of the PLL girls, as tweens, unknowingly dancing in front of the camera in their underwear, the flash drive also includes some EVEN CREEPIER footage of a not-yet-blind Jenna seducing a not particularly willing (though not as entirely unwilling as I would have liked) Abs Toby .  . .

And YES, he was shirtless in the video . . . (Can I get a HELL YEAH!)

In the video, Jenna is heard blatantly threatening Toby that if he doesn’t let her . . . “play with his flute” . . . she will tell their parents that he “forced himself on her.” 

“Wow!  I’ve never seen such a big . . . flute.”

By the way, if you were Jenna, and you were trying to SECRETLY SCREW YOUR BROTHER, would you REALLY do it in front of a WINDOW, so that anyone who happened to be wandering by with a VIDEO CAMERA could SEE? —  Incestuous Sociopath FAIL! 

*sings*  “I once was lost, but now I’m found.  I was blind, but now I . . . nope . . . still blind.”

(Interestingly enough, the video appeared to have been taken through a window, and yet the sound quality was PERFECT.  So, I’m guessing the house was bugged?)

Disgusted by the sight of her new boyfriend macking it with his nasty ass sister, Spencer insists that the girls stop watching the videos.  In hindsight, this was probably a mistake.  After all, based on later scenes in the episode, it appears that more Rosewood Residents may have been featured in these videos, aside from the PLL girls, Ali, Toby and Jenna.  Like, this GUY, perhaps?

“Oh no!  If they watch the rest of the videos on the drive, they might find out I was in that Hillary Duff movie!”

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As far as the PLL girls are concerned, Ian “I Like to Make Out with Girls Who Still Wear Training Bras” Thomas seems to be the most likely videographer of this Kiddie Porn DuJour.  And, since Blind Jenna obviously knew about the flash drive and its contents (After all, she hired Man Whore Caleb to steal it for her.), they figure that Little Miss Brother F*&ker might be willing to share information with them that will incriminate Ian in Ali’s death. 

But what if Blind Jenna is “A”?  Are the girls walking into a trap? 

Fitzy spells trouble J-A-C-K-I-E

This week, the role of Ezria Cock Block will be played by Jackie Molina . . .

Things actually seem to be going pretty well for Aria when the episode begins aside from her being stalked by a sadistic stalker psycho killer.  Admittedly, we were all a bit worried for Aria and Fitzy, when Police Boy Garrett knocked on the English teacher’s door last week, asking questions about “one of his students.”  And we became even MORE concerned, when SOMEONE stole the VERY POORLY HIDDEN hide-a-key from underneath Fitzy’s Welcome Mat, and broke into his home. 

Yet, when Fitzy meets Aria at the school, to tell her what went down, we learn that Police Boy Garrett didn’t ask any incriminating or even vaguely interesting questions at all!  (Gotta love Rosewood’s Finest, and their top notch investigating skills!) 

But WAIT!  There’s more!  Fitzy, apparently, just got a job working at the local college . . . which means that he’s NOT going to teach at Aria’s high school anymore . . . which means that Aria and Ezra can feel free to date in public, without fear of persecution (except for, you know, the whole STATUTORY RAPE thing).!

What’s more?  Aria’s dad, who also works at the local college, and REALLY wants to get into Fitzy’s pants is holding a Faculty Mixer at the Montgomery Household that evening as an excuse to get into Fitzy’s pants.  So, since Fitzy is now officially FACULTY at the local college, he gets to go to Aria’s house and .  . . visit her bedroom.

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And we all KNOW what happens when boys get into girls’ bedrooms!  (Right, Abs Toby?)

But then, things go south at the Faculty Mixer, when SHE shows up there . . .

Uh Oh!

It turns out that Jackie, the long-ago ex-fiance from far, far away, is not-so “long-ago,” nor is she so “far away.”  In fact, she TEACHES at the college too! 

To make matters worse, Fitzy has been with Jackie as recently as last year, back when she was a T.A. at the same college where the pair will now both be teaching. 

(I hope you are wearing a bulletproof vest, Fitzy!  Because you are NOT exactly Aria’s favorite person right now . . .)

But, hey!  At least you got inside her bedroom!  That’s gotta count for something, right?

In other BAD news . . .

None of my Exes Live in Texas .  . .

Emily’s mom wants her and Emily to move to Texas, where Emily’s father will be stationed for a year.  Poor Emily!  What will happen to her 85,000 girlfriends in Rosewood?

And what exactly is the Gay Scene like in Texas?  Will Emily have to change her “look,” in order to fit in there?

 

Tune in next season when we will, of course, learn that she is not actually moving, as she is one of the four MAIN characters of the show to find out!

In other news . . .

Marry me, Lucas!

LUCAS IS BACK!

And he’s wasting no time reminding us why we fell in love with him in the first place.  When we first see Lucas, after a WAY TOO LONG HIATUS, he’s still giving Hanna the cold shoulder, as a result of her highly UNFORTUNATE rejection of him at the “I Didn’t Have to Get My Spleen Removed, Even Though I Was Ran Over by a Car” Party that Mona threw for her a few episodes back  .  . .

Yes, Lucas looks like a beaver died on his head, in this picture.  But we are going to forgive him for that, since he is SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME.

Even though Lucas was deeply hurt by Hanna, he CLEARLY is still watching out for her.  After overhearing Annoying Ass Mona lie through her teeth about the letter she was SUPPOSED to give to Hanna from Caleb, in which the Hot Man Whore professed his love for her  . . .

Do, a little dumpster diving, Hanna!  You might still be able to find it!

 . . . Lucas THEN overhears Mona using Hanna’s PHONE to talk to Caleb.  Mona actually has the GALL to tell the Poor Slutty Bastard that HANNA ripped up his love letter to her, when we all know that it was MONA who did the not particularly effective ripping.  When Lucas confronts Mona about this, she offers to help Lucas win Hanna’s heart, if he agrees to keep quiet about what he knows.

Well, THIS turn of events was kind of a head-scratcher for me.  After last week, I was under the assumption that Mona didn’t want Hanna coupled with Caleb, because she wanted Hanna to stay single, like her.  So, why, suddenly, would Mona prefer that Hanna date LUCAS, as opposed to Caleb?  After all,  just a few weeks back, Mona seemed determined that Hanna DITCH Lucas, in favor of Boring Ass Sean?

HUH?

I’ve actually got three possible theories regarding the above conundrum:  (1)  Mona is a WAY better friend than us PLL fans give her credit for.  And, as a GOOD friend, Mona recognizes that Lucas will be a better boyfriend to Hanna than Caleb. (2) Self-absorbed Mona wants to be Queen Bee at Rosewood, and she figures she will have a WAY better chance of doing so, if her biggest competition ,is dating a so-called”loser” than if he is dating the schoolest Hottest Homeless Bad Boy.  And finally (3) Mona doesn’t have any intention of helping Lucas win Hanna’s heart.  She just wants to keep Lucas’ mouth shut, and will say whatever she has to say, in order to accomplish this.

“I’m glad she only came up with three possibilities.  Because I can’t count any higher than that.”

Whatever Mona’s intentions are, Lucas doesn’t give a RATS ASS about her shady offer to play matchmaker between him and Hanna.  He proves this by tracking down Caleb (in Arizona?) and bringing him back to Rosewood.

“Why are you doing this for me?”  Caleb asks incredulously, as the two men, who are both CLEARLY in love with the same woman, ride back to town with absolutely NOTHING interesting to say to one another.

“Because I am about twenty times more awesome than you will ever be.”  “Because Hanna deserves to be happy,” Lucas replies solemnly.

(*Sigh!*  Please put this recap on pause, while I retrieve my panties from the floor . . .)

OK . . . I’m back!  Little do these newfound bromantic buddies know that, at the same time they are both gearing up for a Caleb / Hanna reunion . . .

. . .  Hanna is deleting the Man Whore’s number from her cell phone.  Oops!

You know, it might be a good thing, that most of our PLL girls have (at least temporarily) left their respective love interests in the dust this week.  After all, they’ve got ENOUGH to worry about, without having to cope with Boy Drama . . .

The Flute Player Gets Played (In more ways than ONE!)

Creepy Kiddie Porn Flash Drive in hand, the PLL girls confront Jenna at school, about how the latter made her bedroom into her very own City of Brotherly Love.  The PLL girls want answers from Jenna.  They think they are  entitled to them.  They want the TRUTH!

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As Little Miss Brother F*&ker shares what she knows with the PLL’s, we are treated to a Blind Jenna Flashback for the first time EVER, since the beginning of the series . . .

(Did anyone else think it was weird that Jenna was already wearing her “Blind Person Glasses,” back when she was first put in the hospital, following her Little Firecracker Accident?  Wouldn’t her eyes be bandaged?  Her face burned and bruised?  I mean, those are DESIGNER GLASSES she’s wearing!  Please, tell me what hospital gives THOSE out for free.  Because I’m getting admittted!)

So, Ali comes to visit Blind Jenna at the hospital, following her trip to “Georgia.”  She then promptly presents the Freaky Flute Player with the same video we saw  earlier, of Jenna threatening, and subsequently making monkey with, Abs Toby.  “The guy I like likes to make movies.  I thought they were just about me.  As it turns out, the Boy Next Door, likes watching ALL the Girls Next Door,”  Ali monologues unnaturally, as if she is villain in a Batman Comic Book (The Riddler, perhaps?).

 Now, of course, Jenna can’t SEE the video.  But I’m assuming, she figures out what was going on in it based on the extremely poorly written dialogue what is being said. 

“Really Jenna?  You ACTUALLY said, ‘It will be so easy to make my parents think you forced yourself on me?’   Ever hear of a little thing called subtlety?  I mean, seriously, I know comic book villains that have a better way with words than you do, and I am one of them.”

Caught between a rock and an incestuous place, Jenna is forced to make a deal with Ali.  Ali will make sure the incriminating flash drive never sees the light of day.  And, in return, Jenna will leave Rosewood FOREVER!  (Aha!  So, now we know why Jenna RETURNED to Rosewood for Ali’s funeral! Little did Ali know that their little agreement had an, easy out, Death Clause . . .)

After her confrontation with the PLL’s, Blind Jenna makes two phone calls . . .

“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

The first call is to Creepy Pedo Ian.  Upon hearing that the girls found the flash drive (which presumably includes videos he took), Creepy Pedo promises to “take care of it.”

“Hey, by the way, do you happen to have any 13-year old friends who are single?  I’m looking to mingle!”

But it’s Jenna’s SECOND call that’s the MOST disturbing.  Remember when I mentioned earlier that SOMEONE ELSE may have also been featured in Ian’s “home movies?”  Well, that UNSEEN porn star, arrives at Jenna’s house.  Jenna complains to him that this video is going to ruin all of their lives.  But HE promises her that he won’t let that happen.  Then HE takes off her glasses, and THIS happens . . .

Oh no, Police Boy GARRETT!  Not YOU TOO!  Man, are their ANY boys on this show who actually like girls their own age?

I stand corrected!

Nice Knowing Ya, Ian!  (But, not really . . .)

“Now that I’m dead, I wonder if I can get a better deal on a cell phone plan . . .”

So, Melissa and Ian are planning to have their yet-to-be-born baby baptized at the local church.  But Spencer is concerned that this might be a bit premature, since the baby might not be  . . . entirely human.

Awww!  He looks just like his dad!

Meanwhile, Spencer and the gang attempt to procure a confession from Ian about making the videos contained on the flash drive.  They do this, by sending Ian a text from a blocked cell phone number (They stupidly used Spencer’s phone for this.)  In the text, they instruct Creepy Pedo to bring $10,000 to a nearby park, in exchange for the flashdrive. 

Hanna:  “Hey, aren’t those the bears from the Charmin commercials? What are THEY doing here?”

Aria:  “What do you THINK?”

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Taking things one step further, the girls call upon Garrett the Police Boy to help them with the sting operation.  Of course, as we know from watching him clean Blind Jenna’s teeth with his tongue, earlier in the hour, Police Boy’s intentions are not necessarily pure.  Fortunately, Hanna, who knows a thing or two about shady police officers with ulterior motives  .  . .

. . . has the foresight to lie, and tell Police Boy that her mother knows where they are.  (In other words, “don’t try any funny stuff, Officer Kid Groper!”)

Tensions are high, when a car pulls up, and a man emerges, carrying a bag filled with $10 grand in Cold Hard Cash . . .

Hey there, Sexy?  Who are YOU?  And why aren’t you a REAL cast member on this show?

Unfortunately, as you probably noticed already, that guy is NOT Ian.  He’s WAY HOTTER!  Rather, it’s some dude that Ian paid to drop off the cash, and retrieve the flash drive on his behalf. 

Woah . . . wait up . . . you’re telling me that Ian . . . a twenty-something high school hockey coach . . . has ten grand in cash, lying around his house AND has MORE money than that left over to pay hot guest stars?  Ummm . . . I don’t think so!

Then again, Ian coaches at the SAME school where a youngish English teacher can afford to rent a limosine to (1) drive him all the way to Philadelphia; and (2) WAIT around for him for an entire evening, while he makes out with his underage girlfriend . . . so . . .  yeah.  (I’m SO getting a job teaching at Rosewood!)

Meanwhile, Spencer is cuddling with Abs Toby, falling asleep in his arms, and letting him adoringly play with her hair (AWWW!) . . .

This lovefest is interrupted, when Spencer gets a text from Melissa, stating that Ian never picked her from the church, following the Baptism . . .  . interview(?). 

(Wait . . .  if Melissa walked to the church, why couldn’t she have walked HOME from there too?  Lazy pregnant biatch!)

Fortunately, for us, Spencer doesn’t leave to pick up her good-for-nothing sister, right away.  Instead, she spends some time sweetly telling Abs Toby that he is her “safe place to land.”  In return, Toby tells Spencer that he will ALWAYS be there for her, whenever she is ever in need.  (Something tells me she is going to be taking you up on that promise REAL soon, Tobster!)

Then, of course, the two makeout .  . . again . . .

Never .  . . gets . . . old.

Eventually, Spencer finally manages to pick up her bratty ass sister, who’s Pregnancy Brain made her leave her cell phone in church. 

“Wahhhh, MY PHONE!  Waaahhhh My Creepy Pedo Husband!  Wahhhhh you’re mean to me!  Wahhhh I’m one of the most unlikeable characters on a show that is FILLED with unlikeable characters!  Wahhhhhhh I miss WREN!

Spencer stops the car, to return to church, when WHAM, her car gets broadsided by another car (on purpose?).  Next thing you know, Spencer is in the hospital, without a scratch on her.   But Melissa seems pretty banged up, and is at risk of losing herbaby.  So, being the caring sister Spencer is, she decides to go back to the church and retrieve Melissa’s phone.  (Because, cell phones are way more important than stupid babies, anyway!  Yeah, way to have your priorities straight, Spencer!)

“Oh, please!  The baby is going to be EVIL, anyway!  At least the cell phone comes with cool ring tones!”

So, Spencer heads back to the church.  And there . . . SURPRISE . . . is Creepy Pedo IAN!

You know how, up to this point, it was kind of hard to figure this guy out.  Because, as creepy as Ian was, he sometimes did NICE things, like rescue Spencer from the Fun House that he may have trapped her in, in the first place?  Well, all that is GONE in this scene.  Creepy Pedo Ian is in full on EVIL mode! 

“Melissa would want me to take care of this,” Ian says menacingly.

Creepy Pedo then admits that he KNOWS his wife was in the hospital, having just been HIT BY A CAR, but chooses to accost Spencer in the church, rather than tending to the mother of his child.  (It is almost as if he KNEW they would be in an accident.  Interesting . . .)

So, I’m convinced that the reason the producers chose to show a full moon in this shot, is to imply that Creepy Pedo Ian is actually a werewolf . . . Yes . . . I DO watch too much Vampire Diaries and True Blood.

“You were planning to’ take care of this,’ like you took care of Alison,” Spencer sneers. 

Spencer then shows Ian the incriminating  flashdrive (makes some fairly lame “home movie” jokes, while she displays it). Thinking fast, the “Smartest PLL”  tosses the flash drive at Ian, before dashing up to the Church’s bell tower.

Wait . . . WHAT?  You THREW AWAY the evidence . . . AGAIN, Spencer!  I’m hoping you were smart enough to make a copy this time, Little Miss Supposed Over Achiever!

Oops!

Now, Spencer may have been silly, when it came to her flash drive evidence, but she WAS smart enough to call Emily on her cell phone, as Ian chased her around the church . . .

ARIA:  “Crap!  I forgot to DVR Pretty Little Liars, tonight!”

EMILY:  “Don’t worry!  It’s playing on my iPhone RIGHT NOW!”

This enables all the PLL’s to hear all the SUPER INCRIMINATING things Ian is saying while he TRIES TO MURDER Spencer.  (I hope you recorded that, Emily!) 

Admittedly, I had to watch this chase scene twice, to figure out what Ian was saying.  And I STILL don’t think I got it all down.  Mostly, Ian was talking about how he was planning to kill Spencer in the church, and make it look like a suicide.  He planned to leave a note on Spencer’s computer, after she was dead, saying that she couldn’t deal with the pain of Ali’s death, and, therefore, offed herself . . . in a church.

There are two interesting things about Ian’s monologue: 

(1)  He inadvertently cites the WRONG cause of Ali’s death.  While Ali ACTUALLY died of strangulation, he cites, in Spencer’s fake suicide note, that she “fell to her death.”  This comment would seem to go AGAINST the commonly held notion that Ian killed Ali.  

 (2) Ian notes, once AGAIN, that he is killing Spencer, FOR Melissa.  Is it possible then that MELISSA killed Ali (or at least that Ian THINKS she did)?  Has Ian’s creepy behavior merely been a result of his trying to cover for his wife, because he feels GUILTY about cheating on her with Ali and about being a disgusting pedophile, who videotapes half-naked tweens?

It wouldn’t be the first time this actress played a psycho killer!

The answers to these questions, apparently, are not ones we will get first hand.  Because, moments later, Ian is dangling Spencer from the church bell tower.  In a strange twist of fate, she is grabbing on to her would-be killer’s arm for dear life.  Then, she pulls herself up onto the scaffolding.  What happens next is pretty shocking.  (As if all this WASN”T SHOCKING!)  A black cloaked figure comes out of the darkness, and pushes Ian off the scaffolding.  And yet, Ian doesn’t FALL to his death.   Instead, he gets tied up in the ropes and is hung. 

Of course, the rest of the PLL’s arrive, after the hooded figure (A?) has left the building.  They reach the top of the church tower, to find the disturbing image of Dead Ian swaying back and forth, like the pendulum of a grandfather clock, as Spencer watches on silently traumatized . . .

Yet, by the time the police arrive on the scene . . . IAN’S BODY IS GONE!

But, look who’s back from the PLL Lost Boy Vortex?

It’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel!

In the final moments of the episode, the girls, OF COURSE, get, yet another text message from “A” . . .

And here’s what it says: “It’s not over until I say it is.  Sleep tight, while you still can b*tches!” – A

Oh boy!  Something tells me, many of us PLL fans will be having some trouble sleeping, between now and when the show returns in June for it’s second season!  Fortunately, that gives us plenty of time to piece together all the clues we’ve gathered so far during Season 1.  So, I now turn things over to you, My Pretties!  Start sleuthing!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Pretty Little Liars

This Used to Be a Funhouse (But Now it’s Filled with Evil Clowns) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Monsters in the End”

Betcha can’t guess which one is the Evil Clown?

(By the way, the title of this recap was brought to you by a fabulous little song, entitled “Funhouse,” by the one and only, Pink.  To “get in the mood,” feel free to enjoy it here.  But, those, like myself, who suffer from Clown Phobia, be warned.  There ARE Evil Clowns in the music video . . .)

Hey there, my Pretties!  This week’s installment of Pretty Little Liars was not for the faint of heart.  In fact, it was pretty downright terrifying!  No matter what scares you, be it clowns, closed spaces, creepy stalkers, having to wear a BAG over your head, or . . . MONA . . .

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 . . . chances are there was something in this penultimate hour of PLL’s first season that made you want to SCREAM!

So, are you ready to relive the fear?  Let’s get on with the recap . . .

“I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me.  (And I Have No Privacy.)”

The episode opens with a REALLY grotesque looking life-sized clown being dragged away on a gurney.  Surrounding that clown are about four other equally evil-looking clowns, including THIS GUY . . .

Yes, boys and girls.  Garrett the Police Boy spends the ENTIRE episode lurking in the background, watching our Pretty Little Liars navigate the slings and arrows of being tortured by “A.”  And if he didn’t look about 15-years old, this would make him a TOTAL pedophile (Because we don’t have enough of THOSE on this show!).  But since he DOES look 15, and IS wearing uniform, we can chalk this up to Little Garrett just being REALLY good at his job (and REALLY needing to get laid . . . like . . .  BIG TIME!)

Anyway . . . as Garrett watches amorously from a nearby window, our PLL’s enjoy coffee at one of their favorite hangouts.  Unfortunately, it’s not all fun and games.  Our fabulous foursome has important business to discuss, like Evil Blind Jenna, and her bizarro alliance with Hot Male Ho Caleb. 

The girls decide that someone needs to talk up Caleb, and figure out why Evil Blind Jenna was so interested in stalking them.  (Isn’t EVERYBODY on this show interested in stalking the PLL girls?)  Emily and Aria suggest they tag team ambush the boy (kinky!).  However, Hanna reluctantly admits that, if anyone should be getting information out of Caleb, it should be the girl who’s taken an extended vacation inside his boxers  . . .

“Got a secret?  Can you keep it (in your pants)?”

As the girls are leaving the restaurant, Spencer stops to stare out the window.  She is certain (and rightfully so) that the girls are being watched.  Unfortunately, for Spencer, the rest of the PLL’s stopped listening to her paranoid rantings, ever since she started making THIS FACE all the time . . .

As we will soon find out, Aria, in particular, should have heeded Spencer’s warnings . . .

Why You Should Always Password Protect Your Computer . . .

I have a question for you ladies out there.  When you first start crushing on a boy, or, at least, before you start dating him, aren’t Googling him, and checking out his Facebook page two of the FIRST things you do to “get to know him better” and “confirm he’s not a serial killer?”  I mean, SERIOUSLY!  I find it REALLY hard to believe that Aria has been dating her Fitzy for ALL THIS TIME, and has never even thought to look him up on Facebook.  Then again, this is the girl who accidentally sent a SEXT to her OWN mother . . .

Speaking of Aria’s mom, I know I’m usually kind of hard on her in my recaps, due to the almost obscene level of SHEER BORINGNESS that surrounds her relationship with “Byron,” and my irrational anger at having to be subjected to it, week after week.  Nonetheless, I must admit, Mama Montgomery was responsible for what was arguably the most hilarious PLL scene of the week. 

So, yes, I guess it WAS understandable that Aria’s mom, upon seeing Caleb talking intently to Aria about Hanna (more on them later), would assume that Caleb was Aria’s “secret boyfriend.”  What wasn’t quite as understandable was the ridiculously HILARIOUS way in which she reacted to this false news . . .

OK.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FACIAL EXPRESSION??  Did I miss the episode where Ella Montgomery became a blood-thirsty vampire?  She looks insane!

And while I do agree with Ella’s assessment that Caleb is “cute,” I highly doubt that, as a teacher at that school, Caleb’s reputation as a “con artist” who is “always in detention” and “got caught living in the school library” would have escaped her knowledge.  (I guess ignorance runs in that family.)  Then again, if Ella had a choice, she would probably rather Aria be dating Juvenile Delinquent Caleb, then the person she is actually dating . . . the one who Aria impulsively spilled coffee all over to prevent her mother from seeing them talking in the hallway . . .

“Ohhhh no!  You have a big brown coffee stain on your crotch!  Please, let me wipe it off very slowly with a napkin, while my mom watches . . .”

This, of course, brings me back to my main story.  Aria arrives at Fitzy’s house early, while he is still at school.  While there, she “accidentally” knocks into his laptop.   And, because he was not smart enough to password protect it (stupidity is apparently contagious on this show), and because he has left it on ALL DAY with his Facebook page wide open, Aria finds THIS PICTURE . . .

Who the f*&k is JACKIE MOLINA?  (Maybe SHE’S A!)

That’s right, my Pretties!  Apparently, “Jackie Molina” and Fitzy used to “lick one another’s Gelato,” back in the day!  And they did it in ITALY, while she was wearing HIS ENGAGEMENT RING!

Oh Fitzy!  You’ve got some ‘splaining to do!

I love the other PLL’s reactions, when Aria comes clean to them about inadvertently cyberstalking her English teacher boyfriend!

“What was his status update?  Ezra Fitz has joined the Mark Twain Fanpage?”  Spencer snarks.

Fitzy likes this (and so do his four wives in Western Europe).

Make a fake profile, friend Jackie, get to him through her, and NAIL HIS ASS TO THE WALL,” a recently betrayed (and obviously still VERY BITTER) Hanna exclaims, when she learns about Fitzy’s possible “Double Life.”

And with Hanna’s help, Aria does exactly that . . .

But when “Jackie” eventually accepts fake-Aria’s friend request, Aria can’t bring herself to go through with it.  So, she rents a WHOLE LOTTA Big Love DVD’s (Yay polygamy!) and rushes to her boyfriend’s apartment, to get information straight from the Fitzy’s Gelato-licking mouth . . .

Now, I hate to say it, Ezria fans, but I found Fitzy’s explanation about Jackie, a bit lacking in the credibility department.  Was I the only one?  According to Fitzy, he was engaged to Jackie, back when the pair were finishing up college, which had to have been at least three or four years ago.  He proposed to her in Italy.  She said “yes,” at first . . . and then she said “no.”  And yet, “Jackie” not only KEPT THAT PICTURE on her Facebook profile, but she, VERY RECENTLY, TAGGED her supposed ex- lover in it, so that it would appear at the top of Fitzy’s “recent updates” page. 

Isn’t that kind of a dick thing to do:  rub your botched engagement in the face of the dude you spurned. after over two years of dating?  I mean, seriously!  What is wrong with you, “JACKIE MOLINA!”

Issues of reality aside, Fitzy insists that Jackie is his past, and Aria is his mid-life crisis future.  And because they aren’t able to take normal “coupley” pictures together, for obvious reasons, Aria and Fitzy decide to pose for a picture that they WON’T be embarrassed to show their friends . . .

Ummm . . . yeahhhhhhh . . . the only thing that would make this Bag Head picture more disturbing, would be if Aria had cut “mouth holes” out of the bags, so that her and Fitzy could be photographed “licking eachother’s Gelato.”  (Just imagine the paper cuts!)

Bag Head Photographs preserved for posterity, Aria suddenly has to bolt (more on that later).   The problem of course, is that SOMEONE saw her leaving . . .

Oh Fitzy!  You have some ‘splaining to do  . . . AGAIN!

In the final scene of the episode, a mysterious gloved hand removes the hide-a-key from under Fitzy’s welcome mat (SERIOUSLY FITZY?  You might has well have just left it in the DOOR!), and sneaks inside, under cover of night.  Hide your Bag Head, Ezra Fitz!  Because you are about to be in some SERIOUS trouble, Mister!

Speaking of boys in the dog house . . .

Another One Bites the Dust . . .

Goodbye Caleb!  (For good?)

As promised, Hanna approaches Caleb to ply her whorish ex boyfriend for information about Blind Jenna.  To his credit, Caleb seems pretty darn remorseful about what he has done.  Then again, sleeping on a park bench for two days would be enough to make anyone “remorseful.”  (Not to mention REALLY smelly!)

Hot Male Ho Caleb confesses to Hanna that Blind Jenna paid him a lot of money to locate a “key”  that she believed that Ali had given one of the girls before she died / was murdered.  “I miss you,” Caleb whines, after providing Hanna with some useful, if maddeningly vague, intel.

“Yeah, well . . . you’ll get over it,” Hanna replies, before stomping off.

Caleb then stops by Hanna’s house to give a letter he has written for her to Hanna’s mother.  You see, Caleb is heading off to “Arizona,” and the letter is meant to tell Hanna “goodbye.” (I hear they have really nice park benches to sleep on in Arizona!) 

In hindsight, had Hanna’s mom accepted the letter, things might have gone very differently for Caleb and Hanna.  But noooooo . . . Hanna’s mom’s heart had softened toward Caleb.  And she wanted him to go to the “Founder’s Day Carnival”  to say goodbye to Hanna in person.  (First The Vampire Diaries, now Pretty Little Liars?  Is my town the only town that doesn’t have a Founder’s Day?) 

“Hanna doesn’t need any more men in her life leaving, without saying goodbye like, for example, every other boy on this SHOW!”  Mama Marin instructs.

So, Caleb heads on over to Founder’s Day, where he runs into .  . . the terrifying . . . the horrific . . . the vomit-inducing . . . MONA!

Can they just MURDER this chick, already?  Seriously!  Just looking at her makes me want to break my television . . .

Because Hanna won’t talk to him again and because he’s a TOTAL MORON Caleb gives his very personal letter to Mona, so that she can give it Hanna, on his behalf.  So, of course, the minute Caleb walks away, Mona starts reading the letter.  Not liking what it says (Because she wants Hanna all to herself?), Mona proceeds to rip the darn thing up, over the trash . . .

She then pours her soda all over it.  Now, if Mona was a normal human being, we would never be able to learn the contents of that letter.  Fortunately, for us, however, Mona is NOT a normal human being.  Rather, she is a strange alien life form, who’s hands are like delicate scissors, and who’s mind is like cottage cheese.  So, when she rips up Caleb’s letter, she does so in a way, that makes the whole thing STILL COMPLETELY LEGIBLE.  And then, when she pours soda on the letter, she only pours it on the outer rim, so that NONE of the words are obscured . . .

Seriously!  Who rips paper in perfect straight lines like that?

When Hanna returns and asks Mona what she was talking to Caleb about, Mona lies through her ridiculously large, eye-gougingly white, beaver teeth, and tells her that Caleb was merely asking for change.  So, later, when Aria and Hanna spy Caleb waiting on line to board a bus to Arizona (a bus that is conveniently parked RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL), Hanna turns down Aria’s suggestion that she rush over and say goodbye.  And, of course, back at home, Hanna’s mother, though openly admitting that she was “wrong” about Caleb, never mentions the letter he had written for Hanna.  (Because, like I said, stupidity is contagious on this show!)

Sorry Hanna!  It’s really not your fault that everyone around you, is either dumb or evil!

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the PLL Lost Boy Vortex, Lucas Gottesman is pumping his fist in triumph . . . Lucas and Hanna . . . it is SO ON . . . again  . . .

Source

(Hey, check out the cardboard cutout of President Obama in the lefthand corner of this GIF!  RANDOM!)

Speaking of dorky, but surprisingly adorable, couples that seem to be in for the long haul . . .

Spencer and Abs Toby Sitting in A Tree H-U-M-P-I-N-G . . .

This is the number of times Spencer and Toby are going to SCREW, after this episode is over . .  and that’s just tonight!

Every teen drama has it’s Romeo and Juliet.  This is a couple who are constantly being kept apart from one another, by their family and friends.  A couple that must battle extraordinary forces to stay together  . . . forces like b*tchy sisters, and creepy pedo brothers-in-law, and funhouses that LOCK, and, EVIL CLOWNS! 

When the episode begins, Spencer’s mom and sister tell Spencer that she can’t PLAY DOCTOR Scrabble with Abs Toby anymore .  . .

Just in case you forgot the rationale behind the nickname . . .

They believe that, by associating herself, with the OTHER known suspect in Ali’s murder, Spencer will only make herself look more guilty to prospective jurors.  Instead, they think she should attend the Founder’s Day Carnival, so that she can “integrate into the community.”  When Spencer runs outside to see Toby, she learns that HE is not supposed to see HER either, because HIS family thinks she framed him for Ali’s murder . . .

The pair silently (because Blind Jenna is nearby) agree to meet at the Founder’s Day Carnival .  (Riiiight, because NO ONE will know you are together, if you hang out at the BIGGEST TOWN EVENT OF THE YEAR!  Apparently, even the two smartest characters on this show are not immune to the Stupidity Epidemic, spreading like wildfire around this town.) 

At the Carnival, Creepy Pedo Ian threatens Spencer for the 85,000th time this Season.  And Spencer catches Creepy Pedo and Melissa in a not-so-little white lie.

As it turns out, Melissa is pretty clueless about the layout of the Hilton Head hotel, where she supposedly aborted her FIRST baby with Creepy Pedo Ian a year ago.  This means it’s possible that Creepy Pedo DID spend a weekend in the hotel with Ali shortly before her death, as the PLL girls initially suspected.  But, then, why would Melissa cover for him?  Verrrrry interesting!

Spencer then gets a text from “Toby” who wants to meet her in the “Fun House,” which, pretty much seems like the least romantic meeting spot ever!  But Spencer goes anyway.  And, let’s just say, she doesn’t have that much “fun” there . . .

If Spencer entered the Funhouse hoping to get felt up . . . she got her wish.

Hey, did you know that, in addition to her other talents, which, include, among other things, having impeccable text message timing, and being able to insert messages inside fortune cookies, “A” is also a Master Graffiti Artist?

The question is:  Who, aside from Ian, Melissa, and Blind Jenna, would want Spencer to “shut up?”  She hasn’t really incriminated anyone else . . . lately . . .

Anyway, Spencer wanders off into a deserted corrior, and ends up trapped in the dark.  In short, it’s every claustrophobic’s nightmare come true!  (Like I always said, “A” CLEARLY hates Spencer and Hanna THE MOST!)

Spencer screams at the top of her lungs, and cries continuously.  But no one seems to hear her.  Then, suddenly, she hears the walls literally crumbling in front of her.  And then she sees THIS . . .

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  It’s CREEPY PEDO IAN with a HOOK FOR A HAND!  HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP!”

So, Ian is Spencer’s HERO?  HE’S the one who RESCUED her from the Funhouse?  WTF?

Surprisingly, Creepy Pedo assumes the role of the “Good Brother-in-Law” quite well in this scene.  He’s actually fairly convincing, when he’s yelling at the carnival attendees, for allowing his baby-sister-in-law to become trapped in that way.  And yet, I’m still not 100% sure that neither he or Melissa were the ones that trapped Spencer in there, in the first place.  But, for now, I will give the pedophile the benefit of the doubt.  Because I’m kind and generous like that . . . 🙂

After her “brush with death,” Spencer decides that she will no longer live in fear of public opinion.  Life is too short to not play doctor with Abs Toby, dammit!  And, so, when Spencer’s current Flavor of the Month magically appears at the carnival (WAY LATE, MIND YOU!) Spencer, rushes over to him, and begins to “lick his Gelato,” in front of her WHOLE family . . .

Be jealous, Creepy Pedo Ian!  Be VERY JEALOUS!

It’s just you and your hook for a hand, TONIGHT!

Speaking of people Spencer has made out with . . .

I FINALLY FOUND WREN A.K.A. JULIAN MORRIS!  He’s on TWITTER!  And FACEBOOK!  And HAS HIS OWN WEBSITE

Life is GOOD AGAIN!

OK .  .  . back to the show . . .

Paige . . . You’re FIRED!

Silly Paige!  Don’t you know that everybody on this show, except Aria, gets a new love interest, every three episodes?

Emily’s storyline was a tad redundant this week.  Once again, Paige offered to be Emily’s “girlfriend.”  Once again, she contemplated “coming out.”  This time, the plan was for Paige to meet the head of some Gay Pride Association from a neighboring school, at a coffee shop,  so that she could figure out how to come out to her dad.  Paige asked Emily to accompany her to this “outing.”  Emily agreed.  But when she got there, Paige had bailed, leaving Emily and the modelesque “Samara” to flirt shamelessly with one another, and make plans to meet at, where else, the FOUNDER’S DAY CARNIVAL!

When Paige sees “Samara” rubbing up on Emily, under the guise of “helping her try on earrings,” she is obviously SUPER JEALOUS.  But, instead of staking claim to Emily, by doing some rubbing up of her own, Paige lashes out at Samara, and calls out Emily for telling Samara that Paige is gay, despite the fact that it was PAIGE who made the appointment with Samara, in the first place.  Deciding that Paige has awful hair!  is way too much drama to be worth the trouble, Emily grabs the pair of earrings her future girlfriend gave her, and stalks off.

Once at home, Emily gets an apologetic message from Paige.  She then gets another one from “A,”  informing Emily that her “type” is girls who’s secrets she has to keep.  I SMELL A FLASHBACK!

It’s now a year prior.  Once again, Ali is manipulating Emily’s romantic feelings for her, to get the attention she desires.  Ali gives Emily a cheap snowglobe from her vacation, warning her not to tell the other girls about it, because, Emily is supposedly the only one of the four for whom she got a gift.  “Keep it in a safe place,” instructs Ali.  “It’s more valuable than it looks.”

Having not made out with a girl ALL EPISODE, lonely Emily starts fondling Ali’s snow globe.  And lo and behold, it has a FALSE BOTTOM.  Something is inside.  It’s . . . wait for it . . . THE KEY BLIND JENNA WAS SEEKING!

Score!

Emily immediately recognizes the key in question, as one that belongs to a storage locker.  So, she texts all the girls to meet her down there.  Spencer, of course, can’t come, because she’s a little “stuck” at the moment.  But Aria and Hanna do accompany Emily to the storage locker . . .  (Lord knows who’s been paying the fees on it, for the YEAR that Ali’s been dead!)

Personally, I think renting an ENTIRE storage locker, to store ONE Tweety Bird lunchbox is a bit overdramatic.  (Not to mention a HUGE waste of money!)  Nevertheless, the girls retrieve the cute little lunch box, and find within it, yet another flash drive . . . (What’s with PLL girls, and their hiding flashdrives in BIRDS?  First, the ugly owl, now THIS?)

“Ughhh!  She left a turkey sandwich in here too!”

Back at home, the girls insert the flashdrive in one of their laptops.  On it, appears to be HOURS AND HOURS of footage of the girls and Ali from the past year, obviously taken by cameras hidden in their homes, by someone other than Abs Toby . . .

The girls begin to suspect that Ali was killed for having incriminating evidence of this video stalker.  This, of course, begs the question of WHO THE HECK IS HE (OR SHE?)

Based on the Much Music Preview, next week’s Season Finale looks pretty intense.  It promises, among other things, the return of Lucas (and Caleb), a surprise appearance by the mysterious “Jackie Molina,” more annoying antics by Garrett the Police Boy, and LOTS of driving around in the dark.  What more could a PLL fan ask for?  (Well, aside from lots of hot sex, of course?)

See you then, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Hard-Hearted Hanna – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Someone to Watch Over Me”

Source

Enough with all the friggin arts and crafts, “A”?  What’s next?  A Pretty Little Liars Diorama that you explode in your microwave at the end of the episode?

This week, on the penultimate episode of Pretty Little Liars, we got even MORE evidence that “A” hates Hanna and Spencer WAY more than she (or he) hates Emily and Aria.  I mean, let’s face it, aside from a bit of unfounded jealousy, Emily had a fairly stress-free episode, one that ended with her getting some serious nookie.  And as for Aria .  . . well . . . any problems SHE experienced this week arose from her own idiocy (SERIOUSLY!), and the douchebaggery of her dad and little brother, respectively.  But Hanna and Spencer?  Their lives are kind of sucking ASS right now, aren’t they?

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

A+B = Spencer is SERIOUSLY SCREWED!

Kudos to the set designer for making Spencer’s room EXACTLY as we would expect it to be — sparsely decorated, obnoxiously spotless, and filled with every single solitary room organizing tool EVER sold on the Home Shopping Network . . .

Not so kudos to the WARDROBE department, for dressing Spencer in my favorite sweater from when I was 8-years old . . .

When the episode begins, Spencer and Emily have just arrived home from school.  Spencer is bitching about how her distractions at home are starting to impact her ability to understand Algebra.  How can possibly she figure out the value for “X”, when she has suddenly become the “X” factor in her own life? 

It’s a true dilemma!

Now, maybe I’m being nitpicky, but two things surprised me about this scene: (1) The Academically Elite Spencer is taking Algebra her junior year.  (Shouldn’t she be in Pre-Calculus or Advanced Placement Geometry, or some other class for mathletes, like herself?) (2) Spencer and Emily are in the same math class.  (Don’t get me wrong.  Emily seems like a total sweetheart.  And she may even have more common sense than some of the other Pretty Little Liars *cough Aria cough.*  But Little Miss Future Olympic Swimmer just never quite struck me as the academic overachieving type.)

Anyway . .  .  Spencer’s mom rushes downstairs to warn Spencer that the police obtained a warrant to search the Hastings home, and, specifically, Spencer’s room, for evidence linking her to Alison’s death.  Spencer, understandably horrified and frightened, asks her attorney mother to make the police leave.  Unfortunately, the warrant gives the police a right to be there.  So, Spencer’s mom’s hands are tied. 

As the police are searching Spencer’s room, Creepy Pedo Ian (who never seems to leave the house, forever lingering, like the smell of mildew on an overused sponge) further expemplifies his creepiness and pedophilia, by smirking at Spencer’s bed, and slowly / seductively drinking MILK from a glass . . .

Milk . . . it does a body creepy . . .

For Heaven Sakes Aria, THINK before you TEXT!

“Uh oh!  It looks like I accidentally deleted “My Brain” from my “Contacts” list.  I guess I’ll just have to make do without it, this week!”

So, Aria’s parents have been sneaking around, not wanting to tell their kids their back together, until they can be sure their renewed courtship is “REAL.” Zzzzzzzzzzz . . .  And I just fell asleep typing that sentence . . .

NEWSFLASH PLL Writers:  We don’t care about THESE TWO as a couple!  NOBODY ships Ella and Byron!  NOBODY!  So, stopping rubbing this storyline in our faces, PLEASE!

Since Aria already CAUGHT her parents macking in the library (ICK!), and her little brother seems to have also caught them in the act this morning, Montgomery Ma and Pa decide that the family should get together for dinner later that week to “discuss things.”

But lest you think this storyline won’t be funny at all, THIS happens . . .

Source

In case you didn’t catch that, here’s what Aria wrote:  “Thinking of your eyes.  How I want to be looking into them right now.  This second.  XO Aria.”  — AKA The LAMEST SEXT EVER!

And then THIS happens . . .

BUSTED!

OK . . . so we know that Aria was sending a text to her FITZY (who was noticeably absent this week), and sent it to her MOM instead.   Now, here’s what I don’t understand.   Personally, my mother is listed in MY cell phone Contacts Lists as “Mom.”  But I can understand how some folks cooler than myself (and Aria’s definitely cooler than I am) would put their Mom in their Contacts List under her first name. 

And, if Aria did this, then, YES, “Ella” would be close to “Ezra” on her list.  These names would probably even be next to one another on MOST people’s cell phones.  But NOT on ARIA’S phone . . . because she has “EMILY” as a contact.  DUH!

“What am I?  Chopped LIVER?”

So, it’s kind of hard for me to believe that Aria “accidentally” skipped over TWO names to send a text to the VERY wrong person.  I mean, it’s not like she was drunk or anything . . .   Or was she? 😉

Careful, Aria!  Drink more of that, and you may text us all of your secrets!

At the end of the day, Aria’s mom confronts Aria about the Phantom Text.  But Aria refuses to confess the textee’s identity, wryly noting that family members should be entitled to their privacy. like, for example, the ability to privately bone your husband in a school library.  Aria’s mom reluctantly accepts her daughter’s wishes, which makes her seem about ten times cooler, in my book., than she ever did before.

But then EEEEVVVVIL hypocrite Papa Montgomerycomes along. 

When he hears that Aria has a secret boyfriend, he ABSOLUTELY thinks he has a right to know that person’s identity so that he can try to score a date with the guy, himself.  To make matters even douchier, while Aria is out of the house, her dad starts snooping around her room for clues.  He ALMOST comes upon a book that Ezra personally inscribed for Aria, when Aria’s mom stops him.  (Wow, I’m really liking her this week.  Weird!)

Taking a lesson in sarcasm, and passive aggressiveness, from her daughter, Aria’s mom casually notes that maybe her daughter wouldn’t think it necessary to keep secrets from her family, were it not for her own father secretly whoring around with one of his students.  Aria’s dad, of course, is TOTALLY offended by this, and refuses to admit to his own wrong doing.  Aria’s little brother then walks in on the pair fighting, and, COMPLETELY blames Aria for it.  Because, apparently, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the Douchey Tree .  . .

“Douchey is as douchey does, sir.”

Aria’s brother wants Aria to singlehandedly fix their parents’ marriage, since her having a secret boyfriend is OBVIOUSLY the reason it’s broken, and not the whole “Dad’s a Cheating Deadbeat” thing.  But, before Aria can make up a fake boyfriend to tell her parents about, she and her brother head down to Family Dinner, to find out that their Mom is a no show . . . again. 

Way to suck up your pride, and put on a brave face for your kids, ARIA’S MOM!  I guess I spoke too soon when I said I like you . . . On the other hand, you can do WAYYYYY better than Aria’s Asshat of a DAD . . . So, I’m kind of torn . . .

Knowing that she has to STOP being such a MORON when it comes to appropriately hiding her inappropriate relationship with her teacher, Aria decides to hide all her Fitzy Memorabilia (Fitzyabilia?) with Emily for safe keeping . . .  The ironic thing, of course, is that MOST of the stuff she gives to Emily, NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would trace to Fitzy.  Case in point, THIS . . .

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Really Aria?   A PLASTIC SPOON from your first date?  What exactly do you think your parents are going to do with THAT?  Swab it for DNA?

Now, for all you Ian Harding fans out there who found yourself missing your Fitzy Fix this week, I’ve got a little surprise for you . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  Apparently, Fitzy tweets now!  And you can catch all his Fitz-alicious goodness right here: http://twitter.com/IANMHARDING

(So, don’t say I never gave you anything, Fitzy fans!)

Falling Out of the Closet

In completely unrelated news (actually, all four stories were, pretty much, unrelated to one another, this week), Emily spied Back-to Bad-Haircut Paige flirting with Dull as Dishwater Sean . . .

And Emily was MAJORLY JEALOUS, even though (1) Paige is SO OBVIOUSLY gay; and (2) even if Paige was straight, she’d never, go for a lame-o like Sean!  (Sure, Hanna did it once, but only because she was feeling chubby and insecure, at the time.)

Later, Sean asks Emily if Paige is single, and if she could put in a good word for him.  He did this, despite the fact, that as one of Hanna’s besties (and someone who watches PLL), Emily should have ABSOLUTELY ZERO “good words” to say about Sean . . .

But because Emily is a much nicer person than I am, she simply tells Seany-poo that her and Paige aren’t really friends.  So, she’s not really in the position to help Sean get laid by her.  SORRY!

But because they ARE actually friends (with benefits), Emily warns Paige that she thinks Sean is going to ask her out.  So, Paige should come up with a good excuse as to why she can’t date him NOW, and let him down easy.

The problem is that Sean already ASKED out Paige . . . and she  . . . wait for it . . . said YES!

Needless to say, Emily is pretty depressed about this news . . .

“I am pretty depressed about this news.”

That is . . . until Paige comes right to Emily’s house, fresh from her “date,” all tarted-up and ready for a Booty Call . . .

I get why she wore THIS to the karaoke bar, but why Paige wore a super sparkly stripper dress on a Group Date to the Movies is beyond me . . . Wardrobe Department FAIL!

Surprise, surprise!  Paige doesn’t like Sean.   (NO ONE DOES!)  In fact, the sheer awfulness of macking with that lame-o, has the impact of THROWING PAIGE RIGHT OUT OF THE CLOSET!  (Who says, a kiss is just a kiss?  Right!)

And I have to say, I really feel for Paige, as she contemplates the prospect of coming out with Emily.  Her eyes tear up.  Her lip quivers.  She is clearly terrified.  The actress, Lindsay Shaw, portrays Paige’s heart-wrenching range of emotions beautifully; I must say.  It’s not HER fault she has a bad stylist . . .

 “If I say it out loud, my whole world will change,” Paige explains sadly.

I love how patient and sensitive Emily is with Paige, when a lesser person, would probably be tossing out smug “I told you so’s” left and right. in her situation.  “I didn’t come out of the closet.  I fell out on my face,” Emily explains adorably.

Then, Emily tells her Next Fling, that, back when she was trying to be straight, she always went for guys just like Paige . . .  Domestic Abusers?  Gay Folks in Search of Beards to hide their true identity?  Swimmers with Bad Haircuts? folks who would “pull her on stage” and make her do things that scared her.  (Yeah . . . that still doesn’t explain Wife Beater Ben . . .)

Then the pair sit together on Emily’s little window seat, hold hands, and kiss . . .

And I must admit that these two are starting to grow on me.  But I still want Paige to get a haircut . . . and a stylist . . .

Don’t MESS with Hanna Marin!

Back at the Marin home, Hanna and Caleb are making breakfast AGAIN, and flirting AGAIN, just like any good couple, who just had sex for the first time, would be.  Then Caleb leaves for a moment.  So, Hanna takes the opportunity to go digging in his bag for condoms goodies.  

What she finds is the UGLIEST, MOST TACKY, owl necklace I have EVER SEEN!

And yet, Hanna is completely BLIND to the hideousness of this owl, as she is convinced that it is a Secret Gift from Caleb to her.  After all, they did see OWLS on the night they screwed!

So, she snaps a picture of it, and brags to her friends about the awful  generous gift her boyfriend is about to give her. 

But all is not well in Haleb land.  We learn this, when Aria and Emily overhear Caleb talking on the phone with a woman who APPEARS to be his ex-girlfriend, who is stalking him.  He keeps telling the girl on the phone that he “can’t do this anymore,” because he is living at “her” (Hanna’s) house.

“Peekaboo!  We see you!”

Being the good pals that they are, Emily and Aria immediately confront Hanna about what they learned.  Hanna gets VERY defensive.  Caleb can’t be a liar!  Because Hanna would NEVER have sex with a liar . . . would she?  As if on cue, Blind Jenna arrives wearing around her neck . . . you guessed it  . . . that UGLY ASS OWL NECKLACE . . .

Now it’s Super Sleuthing Spencer’s turn to STALK!  She follows Blind Jenna outside, and sees her using the Ugly Owl Necklace as a Flashdrive . . .

So, basically, Caleb gave the Ugly Owl Necklace to Blind Jenna, NOT because he’s boning her, and NOT because he has terrible taste, but because he’s feeding her information . . .

When Hanna hears this, she astutely recalls how Toby heard Jenna talking on the phone about the number 214, and tries that combination on Caleb’s locker . . .

Let’s ignore the fact that the picture shows Hanna stopping at number “5” instead of  “4”

Surprise!  Surprise!  Caleb’s locker OPENS!

Inside ,she finds . . . wads and wads of CASH . . . just hanging out . . . waiting to be discovered . . . or stolen.  (COME ON, CALEB!  We know you’re POOR, but I seriously doubt you don’t own an envelope, in which to stash your dirty money.  I’m sure the school has plenty in the main office, for you to steal.)

At home, Hanna confronts Caleb about what she learned . . .

Caleb reluctantly admits to “spying” on Hanna (So, THAT’s what the kids are calling it these days . . .  “spying”) for cash from Blind Jenna.  Her Blindness apparently, not only bribed Caleb, but blackmailed him as well, after finding out how he rigged Emily’s phone, so that she could get illegal calls into Maya at De-Gaying Camp.  Screwing for money . . . that makes you a whore, Caleb . . .

But Caleb insists that his feelings for Hanna are real.  And that he stopped working for Jenna the minute his hot dog went inside Hanna’s bun.  All the information he gave Jenna on that flash drive was false. 

Unfortunately for Caleb, Hanna doesn’t give two sh*ts.  She hands the Dirty Dog his bags, and kicks him out into the street.  Harsh!  Hope you like that park bench, Caleb!  Because something tells me that you might be living there for awhile!

Back at school, the PLL’s are admiring their reflections in the bathroom mirror.  (Is it just me, or do all these girls spend a TON of time in bathrooms, and in front of mirrors?).  Then, they hear a familiar noise . . . it sounds like thunder clapping in the night.  It sounds like the End of the World.  It is . . . Blind Jenna’s CANE OF DESTRUCTION!

 

Thinking fast, Hanna traps Blind Jenna right in front of . . . you guessed it . . . the bathroom mirror.  (Again . . .why are you always LOOKING at yourself in the mirror, Blind Jenna?)

Sensing someone behind her, Blind Jenna tenses up, and slowly turns around.  Then THIS happens . . .

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My sentiments exactly . . .

Then, Hanna, reminding us of the Mean Girl she was for the first three or four episodes of this show, cooly hands Blind Jenna back her glasses, and tells her, without emotion, “It’s Hanna . . . in case you couldn’t guess.”

Well, that’s gotta suck . . .

At home, in the comfort of her bathroom (Where else?), Hanna begins to mull over her lost first love, and lost diginity.  She then finally breaks down in tears.  From outside the door, Hanna’s mom listens to her daughter sobbing.  She wants desperately to soothe her pain.  Yet, she doesn’t know how . . .

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The final scene of the episode features “A” LITERALLY smashing Hanna’s glass heart to bits, and mailing it back to her, along with some glue.  Next time, try for a metaphor that’s a bit less obvious, A!

The Walls Close in on Spencer . . .

As I mentioned earlier, Hanna is not the only miserable Pretty Little Liar this week.  Poor Spencer has a police investigation looming over her head.  Fortunately, she’s made a new “friend” who knows EXACTLY what she’s going through.  Of course, I’m referring to the Character Formerly Referred to as Creepy Toby, Now Abs Toby.

When Toby comes over to visit, he warns Spencer that cops are staking out her house.  She replies, by telling him that he probably shouldn’t be seen with her, now that’s she’s, like, wanted for murder . . . and stuff.  But Abs Toby is not that easily deterred . .  . “People cross the street when they see me coming.  They think you tried to frame your brother-in-law for your friends’ murder.  Who else are we going to hang out with?”   Abs Toby inquires, quite rationally, I think.

A real pro at being watched by the cops, Toby cleverly instructs Spencer to go outside, and offer the Stake Out Crew cups of coffee, in order to show them that  (1) she knows they are there; and (2) she is not afraid of them.  Seeing as this was probably the SAME Stake Out Crew that used to hang out outside Toby’s house, I’d say these guys are starting to consider Free Coffee a regular job perk.  Of course, they’d all probably much prefer staking out Hanna’s house.  Because there, Hanna’s mom shows them that “she knows they are there, and “is not afraid of them”, by giving them Free Sex . . .

And sex ALWAYS beats coffee . . .

Anyway . . . Spencer and Abs Toby share a sweet moment, in which Spencer asks Toby about the time she saw him sitting in an alley, after he ran away from home . . .

Apparently, running away is kind of a regular occurrence for Abs Toby.  As for Spencer, she only away once, back when she was little.  Her and her sister had been in a fight, and her parents took her sister’s side, as per usual.  So, Spencer made a tuna sandwich, and escaped to the movies.  (Resourceful little girl, that one!  Sure beats hanging out in a dirty alleyway!)  But then, she got lonely, and went home.  Her self-absorbed family never even REALIZED their little girl was gone!  (Family FAIL!)

Abs Toby looks at Spencer with obvious adoration and sympathy, and, grabbing her hand, makes her promise him that, if she ever wants to run away again, she will call him first.  All together now . . . “AWWWWWWWWWW!”

By the way, speaking of Spencer’s absentee fam, how come nobody seems to notice that Melissa keeps randomly disappearing for episodes at a time, while Creepy Pedo Ian just sticks around, like the fungus he cleary is!  My theory:  Creepy Pedo Ian killed Melissa, chopped her up into itty pieces, put them in a blender, then drank them up . . . like a milkshake . . .

“I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!”

As for Creepy Pedo Ian, he’s looking extra special spooky, as he waits in the dark for Spencer to emerge from her late night run. 

Apparently, Creepy Pedo Ian wants to help Spencer run away from home (Am I noticing a THEME here?), so that he can grow his hair long, assume Spencer’s identity, and kill all her friends, while dressed as her the cops can’t arrest her. 

“I can’t BELIEVE I thought you were cute in Final Destination 3!”

Spencer knows that this will make her look SUPER guilty, which, obviously, is exacty what Creepy Pedo Ian wants.  So, she tells him to stick his runaway plan . . . and his milk . . . where the sun don’t shine.

But just when she thought her day couldn’t get any worse, Spencer’s mom wakes her up in the middle of the night, and tells her that the police found fibers of Toby’s Puke Green Sweater / Alison’s Death Outfit on that cheapo name bracelet Alison gave Spencer gave Spencer, before she died.  “I think someone is going through a great deal of trouble to make you look guilty,” Spencer’s mom, never one to sugar coat things, admits.

Mother and daughter then share a tearful and heartbreaking  hug, as the curtain closes on this, the penultimate episode, of Pretty Little Liars . . . 

See you after the finale!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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