50 Shades of Bone
Welcome back, Werebangers. This week on Teen Wolf a number of our favorite Beacon Hill residents finally got laid . . .
While others just got boned . . .
“Worst date everrrrrrrrr!”
We experience episodes like this around this time every season of Teen Wolf. You know, the ones after the main mystery of the season has been solved . . . where the Beacon Hill Scoobies are just trying to catch their breaths, and possibly engage in a little R-rated action, before the inevitable Finale Cliffhanger turns everything to sh*t once again . . .
Stiles: “So, whose turn is it to get possessed by an evil demon and commit evil acts over which you have no control, and therefore won’t have to pay any consequences?”
Scott: “I think it’s mine.”
Stiles: “Good luck with that, buddy.”
Finally, Stiles’s dad has enough down time to take Stiles and Malia out to savage the local deer population . .
. . . or just eat some pizza. That works too . . .
“Tastes like Deer .. . and cheese.”
Scott finally took Kira on a date in what is undoubtedly the most morbid, ugliest, most dangerous, friend-dyingest place in Beacon Hills . . .
“Consider yourself haunted.”
Liam’s lower lip quivered . . .
. . . while he tried to sleep . . .
. . . while he lifted weights . . .
. . . while he played video games with his friend . . .
. . . while he got eaten by a Berserker and died. . .
Just kidding about that last one . . . for now.
Basically, it was your average day in Beacon Hills . ..
With one or two exceptions.
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, a big hearty thanks to my good pal Andre, whose screencapping talent, passion for all things supernatural, and trademark snark, mean that one day he will (and should) write and produce a teen show TV show that rocks 100 times harder than Teen Wolf, and we can all say we met him here. :)]
Third Eye Not-So Blind
You know what really pisses me off? When I’m captured by a wendigo, and he spends five minutes yammering on about how much better I’m going to taste when I’m nervous. You know what makes me nervous? BEING EATEN BY A WENDIGO!
You know what makes me bored and annoyed? Listening to a wendigo talk about eating me. It’s like those annoying food commercials where the two obnoxious dad types try to make hip jokes about their slushies . . . or when the Wendy’s girl and her friends have nothing to talk about during their lunch break except how delicious their hamburgers are.
JUST EAT IT, AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT, MMM-KAY?
I’m not going to lie. I cheered when Deaton clocked this guy’s ass, and carted him off to Eichen House . . . a place that seems to be a Rite of Passage for all residents of Beacon Hills. After all, we all go a little mad sometimes. Am I right?
The idea of there being a floor of the nut house, dedicated entirely to supernatural creatures (and yet, Malia and Meredith got to stay on the regular floor. . . weird) presents a lot of really fun possibilities for next season. Are you listening, Jeff Davis?
I mean, just check out this Samuel L. Jackson-looking guy? How cool is he!
I’m thinking something along the lines of an X-Men villains-type storyline, where all the creepiest, and most disturbing of supernaturals stage an awesome breakout from Eichen House, and proceed to terrorize Beacon Hills residents, just because it’s fun . . . and because they can!
And because Stiles, who is most definitely a comic book fan/ fan of the X-Men series, would have so many funny / meta things to say about a group of big bads like this that come from his and Malia’s Alma Mater of Wackjobs, Eichen House . . .
Anyway, Deaton — being the kind of guy whose clearly not capable of just rescuing a girl from being eaten by a Wendigo, and then heading home to binge watch old episodes of True Blood on Netflix (the early seasons . . . naturally . . . back when the show was still good, and I was still recapping it) — decides to go have a nice chat with creeptastic creeper, who, at first, appears to be sporting a massive gunshot wound in his forehead, but actually just has a really bloody nasty ass third eye . . .
WHHHHHY? WHY Teen Wolf? Why must you be so unnecessarily grotesque? Can we go back to the annoying dude eating the teenage girl? That’s starting to seem downright pleasant about now in comparison to this.
“I told you I’d grow on you. Would you mind terribly if I nibbled on your left ear?”
So, why did Deaton choose to ruin all of our dinners by visiting Third Eye Guy? Apparently, he believes Triclops here will somehow help Deaton SEE the way to save Derek from Inevitable Death By Inexplicable Loss of Powers . . .
Instead, Triclops just makes Deaton take a nap . . .
If all Deaton wanted to get out of this trip was a little extra shut-eye, popping a few Ambien would have been easier (and way less gross). Just sayin . . .
In dream land, Deaton dreams of the bone zone, which is not only where Der Bear first lost his Mojo, it’s also where Scott . . . well, more on that later . . .
“Is this IKEA?”
Anywhoo, just when it looks like Deaton will enter The Big Sleep, everyone’s favorite Banshee Alarm clock pops by to give him a “friendly wakeup call.”
And they all lived Deaf-Ever-After . . .
Scott’s Down with O.P.P . . . (Other People’s Property)
This season on Teen Wolf, Peter’s Blood Money Duffle Bag got more action from Scott than Kira did.
So much money fondling . . .
Sometimes Scott fondled the money by himself . . .
Sometimes he fondled the money while Liam watched . ..
Sometimes Scott and Stiles took turns fondling the money . ..
This week, Scott’s mom found the money (probably because Scott’s brilliant idea of hiding it, involved pushing it under his bed, open, with massive wads of cash tumbling out of it) . . . and began to fondle it with Scott.
Scott’s arguments as to why the McCall’s should keep the money: (1) we need it; (2) its true owner already has enough v-neck shirts and doesn’t need more; (3) hiding millions of dollars in a rather easily accessible vault is a piss poor investment strategy; and (4) its true owner is a rotten excuse for a human being who repeatedly tries to murder me . . .
are quickly shot down by Mama McCall’s moral imperative.
“Bloody money has cooties . . . See? Check out the masssive cooty on this stack of G’s.”
Why was that particular pile of cash bloody, anyway? If the deadpool notifications are to be believed, the assassins had money wired to their bank accounts immediately following verification of the kill. There was no physical cash payout.
Even if the killers immediately cashed out their earnings, that bank money would presumably be “clean.’ Garrett and Violet succeeded in making at least two kills, of which we are aware. Did they then just keep cashing out the money , shoving it into the same duffelbag, and using the unmarked bills in that duffelbag to wipe off the blood from Garrett’s hockey stick? Wouldn’t a bottle of hydrogen peroxide been a more sanitary cleaning method?
No matter . . . when Scott tries to return the money to Derek, he doesn’t want it. “Peter’s a moron,” Derek muses. “He should have invested the funds in a death trap apartment complex and become a slumlord, like I did. Serves him right, spending the money on something stupid, like World Domination. Finders, Keepers, I say. YOLO.”
Oh sweet Derek, you may be dying, but your getting laid by a non-psychotic female, for a change, is making you so much more enjoyable to be around . . .
Cockblocks of the Screaming Kind
Dear Braeden . . .
Please don’t take this the wrong way . . .
I like you. I like that you taught Derek to use a gun, and, in doing so, made him about 50 times less useless in fights than he ever was as a plain vanilla werewolf.
I also think its cool that you are a confident, strong woman, who isn’t afraid to show off your assets . .. even, and perhaps, especially, the physical ones . . .
But your choice of post-coital wardrobe this week, made me laugh out loud . . .
You see, I understand that, as consenting adults, you and Derek occasionally fornicate. (I would fornicate with Derek too, if I were you . . . like, all the time . . . sooooo much fornicating.)
And then, after it’s over, you go to sleep . . .
See, for example, Stiles and Malia. This is a couple that clearly has sex with one another, and sleeps together. But they’ve been dating long enough to have given up the need to “dress for the occasion.”
Sex with a girlfriend or boyfriend is sometimes just sex. To celebrate the occasion, they wear nightclothes. Simple . . . comfy . . . cute.
You know, I wouldn’t mind as much, if Derek and Braeden slept naked (They both totally seem like the type), and had to grab for some quick blankets to cover their unmentionables, when the inevitable screaming intruder popped by . . .
But Braeden wears THIS to bed?
You see, this is how I know a man wrote this episode, one who has never had to suffer through the agony of wearing a lacy bra, with underwire, lots and lots of padding, and boyfriend-style underwear that rides up your ass crack every time you take a really deep breath . . .
Rest assured, Jeff Davis. The only women who sleep in THAT OUTFIT live inside a Victoria’s Secret catalog .. .
Maybe that’s why Lydia was screaming at them, and not the whole, “Derek’s dying. This is a family show. Therefore, I’m not going to let you two screw tonight . . .”
Perhaps, she was saying . . .
Meanwhile, in a more G-rated section of town . . .
Nightmare on Liam’s Street . . .
Poor Liam. Sometimes I get the impression that the character thought he was going to be cast as one of The Warblers on Glee . . .
Or Matty’s nemesis on Awkward . . .
And he simply stumbled onto the wrong television set!
Now, he’s growing hair in weird places, and being dreamstalked by what kind of looks like Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and all he’s thinking about is whether all this murder and wolf metamorphosis is going to interfere with his dream to win Sectionals and/or finally summon the courage to ask Emo Senior Jenna to prom . . .
Now, I like the refreshing realism of having a character like Liam, actually experience the effects of being slightly traumatized by the types of horrific events the rest of the Scoobies seem to shrug off every day . . .
“Hey there, Lonely Boy. I’ll sleep over and play video games with you.”
I also like how Scott noticed Liam was dissing his bromantic buddy, Mason (Who still doesn’t seem to get that Liam and his new friends are supernatural, despite that whole “saving the werewolves from the dog whistle music” thing last week.), and cautiously instructed him against being a “lone wolf,” as the little tween is likely going to need his friends more than ever in the coming seasons . . .
“Need a spotter, Liam?”
Part of me just wishes Liam’s Berserker hallucinations this week, had a bit more of a payoff . . .
Like, for example, the writers could have blessed the Berserkers with Freddie Krueger-type powers, whereby if they succeeded in killing Liam in the dream, he’d also die in real life. So, then, Liam would be forced to become addicted to caffeine pills, so that he wouldn’t fall asleep, and those pills had the unintended impact of turning him into SPEEDHEAD I.E.D WOLF. . .
Hey, it could happen. . .
In other unrelated news, guess who has two hands and is no longer poor . . .
It turns out Eichen House has given the Stilinskis the old One of Our Staff Members Tried to Murder You discount on their insane asylum bills . . .HOORAY!
It’s been forever, since Stiles and his dad, and the girl Stiles is currently shagging got to share a nice meal together . . .
Papa Stilinski is ready to go all out. He even asks Malia about her favorite food . . .
“Bambi’s Mother . . .”
Why so judgy, Stilinskis? Venison is actually considered a delicacy in many parts of the world . . .
But hey, pizza is good too . . .
The date to end all dates, literally. . .
Correct me, if I’m wrong, but I thought Scott and Kira already had a few first dates. . .
Like the time they road tandem on Scott’s motorcycle . . .
Or the time they slow-danced at Lydia’s grandma’s lake house . . .
Both of those things seem way more romantic than “Sitting in the dark, poorly furnished place where Boyd bit it . . . which still smells like Derek and Braeden Sex . . .”
I also liked how Scott, tried to pump some romance into the fact that, just like the McCalls, Derek was actually too cheap to pay for his electric bills . . .
He strings the whole place up with candles, and makes Kira use her electric powers to get them to run . . .
“There’s also an exercise bike in the corner of the room, you can peddle to make the air conditioner work. Starting riding!”
Beware, Kira! These are the kind of guys that mysteriously seem to have “left their wallet at home,” every time the two of you go out for Valentine’s Day Dinner . . .
The type of guys who convince you to help them pay for medical school, only to ditch you less than a year later for the hot nurse, they met while doing their internship . . .
(On the other hand, from the looks of it, there’s a good chance neither of you are going to live to see college, let alone medical school . So, carpe diem! You go kids! Watch that Star Wars DVD, knowing full well that you are going to be kidnapped AGAIN, before they even finish those black moving screen opening credits . . .)
“Now your balls match my face, Scott.”
In which everyone gets pep talks . . .
“Hey Liam! This is crazy.”
“I know you and I used to beat the crap out of one another on the lacrosse field, because I you totally ruined my coaches’ car.”
“But, we are both secret teen wolves with anger issues, and I have a massive man-crush on your Alpha.”
“So, let’s be friends, maybe?”
Awww, Buddhist Wolf is so sweet! Can we adopt him, Werebangers? Can we?
Meanwhile in the stands of yet another lacrosse game, Papa Peter comes to Daughter Malia with a proposition.
“Kill Kate for me, and I will introduce you to your mother . . . the Desert Wolf . . . who may or may not be Kate.”
“I think I liked it better when my father was just a random redneck, and I’d eaten the rest of my family.”
Hey, has anyone seen Scott? Or Kira? Uh-oh!
Speaking of Peter . . .
It sounds like the beginning of a joke . . . a hunter, a werewolf, and a berserker walk into a sewer . . .
But then, suddenly, this happens . . .
. . . and this happens . . .
. . . and Chris Argent isn’t laughing anymore.
There’s nothing like being bested by a moron in a bear costume and his metrosexual pal to lower one’s self esteem . . .
(By the way, since when do the Berserkers work for Peter too? I thought they were Kate’s pets.)
But then Deputy Parrish comes to save the day . . .
He starts by un-boning Argent (Re-virginizing?)
And then he tells him, “Hey remember that time those Samurai things murdered your daughter? You should be kind of pissed about that, and use that anger to drive you, and make you kill yourself slightly less.” (“You might also consider making some friends your own age, like those douchebags you used to hang out with in Season 1, who seemed to magically disappear after a couple of episodes.”)
“Thank you for reminding me,” Chris Argent replies. “I was starting to think she was just away on a study abroad program, because no one seemed to notice that she and her boyfriend are MIA. I AM really pissed about it! In fact, I’m so pissed, I’m going to be much less of a pussy from now on.”
“Sounds good,” replies Deputy Parrish.
“Thanks sexy Phoenix guy,” Argent replies . . .
“No prob, seemingly normal human who hangs out with so many teenagers that it’s slightly disturbing . . .”
And they all live happily ever after . .. at least once they get out of the nasty sewer . . .
Living slightly less happily ever after? Scott . . .
Rise Darth Berserker!
Having awoken in a bed of bones, Scott and Kira know that their not-so-hot date is about to get a lot not-so-hotter . . .
OK, Kate. You’ve gotten our attention. Care to explain the motive for your madness? (Please make it better than Meredith’s. Please make it better than Meredith’s . . .)
“I hate Scott, basically. He gets all the screentime on the show. His being turned into a werewolf coincided with my niece and my sister-in-law biting it in short order, my father going wacky, and my brother totally losing his nerve to fight. They call him the true Alpha. But I think he’d be better known as the True Life Ruiner. What’s worse, I don’t really get the boner everyone has for this guy? He’s crap at fighting. I just handed his ass to him a few moments ago, again! He can’t even turn into a gorilla. What good is he?”
Not going to lie. As far as motives go, Kate’s is pretty darn rock solid. It’s more sane than Meredith’s, “Peter made me do it in his coma,” motive. And more sympathetic than the assassins “It would make me $25 million richer, motive. And Peter’s egomaniacal, “He’s the only thing that stands between me and world domination” motive.
That said, making Scott wear an ugly Halloween costume is humiliating, but I don’t think it rises to the level of a good vengeance plan . . .
Wait . .. what’s that you say? Kate’s going to make Scott a Berserker? So, he is finally forced to become the heartless monster he always feared becoming? And his friends wouldn’t recognize him, would plot his demise, and might (but wouldn’t likely) succeed?
“Hey, check it out! Matching hats! We’re twinsies!”
Oooooh . . . that’s cold.
Until next time Berserk-bangers . . . er, I mean, Werebangers!