May Sweeps and April Fools – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Do Not Go Gentle”

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“Oh, how I miss the good old days, when I only had one personality, and when my biggest problem was that my girlfriend’s teenage niece accidentally caught a glimpse of my Chunky Monkey.”

Ever feel used and abused by one of your favorite television shows .  . . like the writers treated you like a cheap tissue, blowing their nose on your tummy, and tossing you in the trash?

That’s kind of how “Do Not Go Gentle,” made me feel, this week.  Of course,  this is not to say it wasn’t a well-written, bold, and game changing episode.  It was!  And yet, I still somehow ended the hour with a not-so-fresh feeling . . .

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Shameless excuse to use Damon shower gif?  CHECK!

Then again, when you think about it, this wasn’t even TVD’s first Fake Death at a School Dance Episode.  (Remember what didn’t happen to Bonnie during “The Last Dance?”)

So, perhaps, I’m a bit at fault for coming into the episode so patently unprepared for emotional manipulation.  On a lighter note, I now have about four more pictures, of hot boys with single tears streaming down their cheeks, for my ever-growing Soulful Crying Collection!  So, HOORAY FOR ATTRACTIVE ANGST!

Let’s review, shall we?

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(As always a Big Bloody thank you to Andre, one of my favorite Fangbangers, for all the awesome screencaps you see here . . . including a few admittedly obscure screencap requests made by THIS lazy recapper . . .)

Faux-bekah Strikes Again

We begin our episode over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer But Not as Well Furnished.  Klaus is hard at work, painting something that, I suspect is supposed to look moody and avant garde, but to me vaguely resembles a big pile of poop . . . literally . . .

This is why you shouldn’t chew on girls who eat beans for dinner . . .

Faux-bekah has just returned from her little pow wow with Psycho-Ric, and wants to “bond” with Klaus.  For the record, Barbie Klaus is acting so completely unlike the real Rebekah (She’s all prim, proper and prissy, now . . . Her accent has even changed) that it annoys me a bit that Klaus isn’t at all suspicious.

“I’m showing you mine.  So, whip it out, and show me yours.  Come on.  Don’t be shy.  It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.  I used to change your diapers.  Oops . . . I mean, our mom used to change your diapers . . . But I’m not your mom, no sir!  Now, bend over and let me spank you on your knee for pooping on that piece of artwork.”

I mean, this is the SISTER he’s known for 1,000s of years (thereby making this at least ten times worse than all those times Katherine fooled Stefan and Damon into thinking she was Elena).  And it’s not as though Klaus is a stranger to bodily possession.

Yet, we get no indication that Klaus is the least bit wise to the fact that his sister is now his mother . . . not even the slightest snarky remark, or eyebrow raise.  I’m starting to think that crushing on Stefan . . . er . . . I mean Caroline, has negatively impacted Klaus’ IQ.

“There’s something different about you, I just can’t put my finger on it.  Oh, wait . . . I know.  You cut your hair and your personality.”

Anywhoo, after the “siblings” discard what is supposedly the Very Last Deadly to Originals Stake together, Klaus starts to discuss the idea of skipping town.  Unfortunately for him, Faux-bekah isn’t  having it.  “But I want to go to the dannnnnnnnce,” she pouts, like the perpetual early 40-something pretending to be the perpetual teenager that she actually is.    (It’s all so very Freaky Friday.)  “And, besides, don’t you want a chance to see Caroline?  I know you looooooooove her.”

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Klaus actually finds this ridiculous argument compelling.  So compelling, in fact, that he agrees to stick around for Mystic Falls’ annual Bloodbath Prom, based solely on the hope that his Prom Queen Crush will dump the football jock, and acknowledge his Hybrid King existence.  Sigh . . .

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After pretending to be “Real Alaric” during a phone conversation with Damon, Psycho Ric meets up with his new girlfriend, Faux-Bekah, again, who  then quickly returns to her old Esther body, by temporarily staking Rebekah.  “WHY?”  I yell at my television.  Just so she can do more of that witchy chanting stuff?  BO-RING.  I don’t know . . . I had the opportunity to parade around as a younger, hotter, version of myself for a few days, while awaiting the destruction of an entire species, I’d do it in a heartbeat.  Just saying . . .

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From a storyline perspective, I was also a bit disappointed at how quickly the form of Faux-Bekah was discarded.  For one thing, it make last week’s big twist so much less impactful than it could have been.  Also, personally, I was interesting in seeing how well Claire Holt could pull off the dual role for a more extended period of time.  Of course, I understand this whole possession storyline to some extent was a been there/ done that rehash of last season’s Alar-klaus fiasco.  But still, it would have been nice if Faux-Bekah stuck around a bit longer.

Girlfriend, can’t catch a break . . . EVER.

On a much more shallow note, there’s just something about the way the actress who plays Esther puffs out her lips when she talks that really bugs me.

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If this episode was a more Faux-Bekah centric one, we could have easily sidestepped this inconvenience . . .

In other news, Jeremy’s back in town.  He’s still wearing the ring, but he’s not a psychopath yet . . . at least as far as we know.  He’s also been spending a lot of time with Matt, which is nice.

Since Mini Gilbert has never been particularly sporty, Matt suggests the young stud take up interpretive dance.

Team Human has to stick together, after all.  As long as neither of these guys bring up the fact that they both used to bone eachother’s sisters, I think they will be OK.

Speaking of Matt boning Elena, what was the deal with Caroline telling Matt to stay away from Elena?  That was kind of pushy!  Now, granted, I don’t want Matt and Elena to get together either.  But I was annoyed on Matt’s behalf that Caroline was the one telling him not to “go there.”  After you break up with someone, you officially waive the rights to have any sort of say in who they date next.  That should be like a law . . .  or something.

Wow, I think this is the first time I’m taking Matt’s side over Caroline’s!

Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Caroline and I are no longer on the same team, shipper wise.  And I’m consequently a little mad at her . . . OK, make that A LOT mad.

Shipping Stelena has painful consequences on this blog . . .

“He’s your Epic Love.” *gag, puke, groan*

Last week, we all got to hear Rose’s argument as to why Elena should be with Damon.

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This week, we got Caroline’s rebuttal.  And it basically boiled down to this:

Caroline, because I am mad at you, you get to be the victim of an unflattering screencap.

(1)     Stefan’s and Elena’s love is EPIC.  Ummm . . . NO.  Actually, THIS is epic . . .

Stefan and Elena are more . . . um . . . sweet, I guess?   I don’t want to offend Stelena fans out there.  But I do take offense to the use of the word “epic,” predominately as a result of the clip above.  Stefan’s great and all.  But he’s no Logan Echolls . . . sorry.

(2)    It’s Stefan’s turn.  *snort, giggle*  Yes, last week, Damon’s “turn” involved some super hot dry humping and almost-sex, at a motel that probably actually did rent by the hour.  Stefan’s “turn” -involved a half a slow dance, a lot of crying, and some G-rated hugging.  Long story short, if this was carnival game, and I was Stefan, I’d ask for my red tickets back.  That wasn’t a “turn,” it was a taste test .  . .

Anyway, Caroline’s “super argument” convinces Elena to ask Stefan to Bloodbath Prom.   He accepts gratefully, thinking, “Hey, maybe I could get some action, under the bleachers, while my ex-girlfriend reminisces about the time I almost ate her there . . .”

Sorry, Stefan . . . this isn’t that kind of episode.

Damon, of course, hasn’t gotten the memo about how lackluster Stefan’s “turn” is going to end up being.  So, he broods and pouts a bit, telling Stefan not to accidentally stab Elena with his corsage . . .

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You know, because if she bleeds, he might be tempted to eat her again . . . and not in the “good way.”

Woefully without a date to the Bloodbath Prom, Damon decides to stalk the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie at the hospital, since she’s the only person on this show, aside from Sheriff Forbes, who actually seems to go to work.  Damon informs Crouching Tiger, Hidden Psychopath, that Alaric hasn’t been taking his “Be a Good Boy,” medication, which means he’s now a “Very Bad Boy.”

In real life, this probably thrills the Lady Doc, who, let’s face it, always seemed like the kind who liked it rough.  Of course, for purposes of this storyline, she has to pretend to be appalled.

“That’s hot . . .  um . . . I mean . . . Oh, no.  How terrible!”

One Big Silver Phallus to Rule Them All

Not enough phallic imagery in the first twenty minutes of this episode?  Worry not!  Lady Esther, is about to take her BIG POWERFUL STICK (i.e. the Originals Killing Stake), and thrust over and over again, into Alaric’s ring, until it oozes silver stuff, thereby rendering, it EVEN BIGGER AND MORE POWERFUL.

“I’m going to need a bigger condom . . .”

Woo!  I need a cold shower, after watching that . . .

Shameless . . . THAT’S ME!

In all seriousness though, the idea of linking the Immortality Ring to the Stake, to prevent it from burning up instantly upon use, thereby rendering it recyclable, was a pretty brilliant move on Esther’s part . . . not to mention clever plotting, on the part of the show’s writers. . .

Dance Karma’s a B*tch . . .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Stefan picks up Elena for the dance, and the two make some highly meta jokes about how super deadly dances happen to be, in this town.  Of course, all this seeming self-awareness would be a lot more meaningful if Stefan and Elena were actually smart enough to take their own advice, and . . . wait for it . . . NOT GO TO THE DANCE WHERE ELENA IS PERPETUALLY IN DANGER, AND HER FRIENDS ALWAYS DIE.

Speaking of meta, resident Alpha Male, Tyler Lockwood rarely gets to exhibit his intelligence on this show (except for that one time, when they randomly decided to put him in Advanced Placement History class).  However, this week, for whatever reason, the writers decided to throw Tyler a bone (Cheesy Wolf Joke Alert), and allot to him, what was, in my opinion, the funniest line in this entire, otherwise rather depressing, episode.

It all starts, with Tyler arriving at the 20’s themed dance, all decked out in his gangster finery, and ready to sweep Caroline off her feet with his mad “swing dance” moves.  (His snooty mom probably made him take ballroom dance lessons, as a kid, or something.)  Caroline, of course, is petrified that Klaus will sniff out (another dog joke) his sire, and make him do something awful, like lick his boots or something.

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But Tyler Lockwood is not afraid.  Ripping off all your clothes, and turning into a werewolf, over and over again in the woods, will do that for a guy.  “What’s he [Klaus] going to do?” Tyler snarks.  “Draw you another picture?”

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That My Little Pony drawing  .. .  man, Klaus really was asking for it when he made that.

“I wuv you, Cawoline!”

Back in my high school, that was the kind of thing that got your head shoved in a toilet.  In addition to Klaus’ “gift” to Caroline not exactly being the most manly way to show a lady your affection, we often forget that Tyler too is an artist.  But, unlike Klaus, he draws DUDE stuff .  . . like bloodthirsty werewolves, and naked ladies with big titties.  In other words, in the male pissing contest for Caroline’s affections, Tyler sort of wins this round.

It IS a dance.  So, we have to get all this cheesy, cuddly, coupley stuff out of the way, before we can starting ripping people’s faces off and killing sh*t.  We see Bonnie having a grand old time with her Not-Brother (who kind of still IS her brother) Jamie.

The Lannister family approves!

I’m pretty sure it’s the only time I’ve seen her smile all season.  Then Jeremy arrives, and looks jealous for about two seconds.  Then, he remembers that his ghost girlfriends were about ten times better in the sack than Bonnie ever was.  So, he goes back to play with Matt some more . . .

While Stefan and Elena slow dance, Elena tries to apologize to Stefan for occasionally tongue kissing, and often dry humping, his brother.

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Stefan says he doesn’t care.  He’s just happy to have a date.  Way to set the bar low, Steffie-poo!  Then, Damon comes and cockblocks the pair, which doesn’t particularly bother me, because someone is ALWAYS cockblocking Damon and Elena.  Remember, as Caroline said, it IS Stefan’s turn . . . and being cockblocked is just one of those things that “turns” with Elena on a non-pay-cable show will inevitably include.

 “Sorry to interrupt . . . oh, wait. .  . no I’m not.”

Apparently, Damon actually has a REAL reason for interrupting Stelena time, aside from just pure not wanting it to happen.  Psycho Alaric has gone rogue, and Damon wants to murder the guy, in order to put his “good self,” out of his misery.  This, of course, pisses off Jeremy, because this will be the third father figure he’s lost since the series started.  (Fourth, if you are like me, and always considered Useless Aunt Jenna to be more paternal, than maternal.)

Would you like some salt with your vampire?

Outside the dance, Esther gets Elena to come with her, because Elena’s a moron she wants to save Alaric’s life, psycho or no psycho.  The rest of the Scooby Gang, run off in pursuit but find they are trapped inside by . .  . wait for it . . . a ring of salt.  SALT!  That’s great!  Who knew this year’s Bloodbath Prom theme would end up being Vampire Barbecue?  Throw in a little hot sauce, and some grilled veggies, and we can make a mean shish-kabob . . .

“This reminds me of the 80’s, when I used to do a lot of coke.”

Damon’s the Cockblock King this week, he interrupts Jamie’s and Bonnie’s incest perfectly normal .  . . make out session  . . .

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 . . . to tell them that the Bonnie’s weird chanting, and nosebleed services are needed to move the salt.  Personally, I would have gone with a plain old vacuum, but that’s just me . . .

Now, we are in some weird creepy cemetery.  (I bet with their super high death toll, there are as many cemeteries in Mystic Falls as most towns have Starbucks.)  It’s here that we learn Esther’s Big Bad Plan.  Apparently, in order to kill all the vampires, she wants to  . . . wait for it . . . turn Alaric into a vampire.  Yes, because a vampire hater, who MAKES LOTS OF VAMPIRES isn’t hypocritical at all.

“Who wants to make some S’Mores?”

Seriously?  Is there some rule that no one on this show can stay human, aside from Elena?  Isn’t part of the aura of vampires the fact that they are so SPECIAL, and so much cooler than us humans?  The problem is, in a town where seemingly about 80% of the population is something supernatural, it’s the humans that are special.  Vampires are kind of, been there, bit that, you know?

Here’s another issue I had with this whole Psycho Ric storyline.  We now learn that the real reason, Alaric’s become all crazy and Founder’s Council killing, is not because The Ring Made Him Do It, but because Esther, herself starting chatting his ear off every time he died?  Huh?  So, is that what we are supposed to believe happened to Samantha Gilbert too?

And if Alaric was really nurtured to believe that vampires and all their friends don’t deserve to live, each time he died, was there really ever an alter ego, at all  . . . or has Alaric been secretly psychotic all this time?  As clever as I thought this whole ring twist was at first, I found Esther’s part in it a bit confusing, and more than a bit frustrating.

Small town boy . . . small town life

Speaking of frustration . . . well, at least of the sexual variety, Klaus gets a verbal and emotional beatdown by Caroline, who, for all her keeping his horse pictures, and secretly mooning over him, in previous episodes, really does seem “just not that into him,” when he manages to pull her aside for one “Last Dance” at the prom.

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She does, however, seem at least intrigued by his suggestion that, one day, her “small town life,” will no longer satisfy her immortal vampire urges.  Now THAT’S a storyline I’d like to see explored further . . .

Nonetheless, it is Tyler who Caroline reaffirms her love for at the end of the dance.  And the Alpha Male even earns some extra points, by offering to sacrifice himself on the Scooby Gang altar, just so Klaus could die.  Yeah, Tyler definitely won this round against his Vampire Papa.  The question is, can he win the war . . . and, even if he does, will he survive to reap the spoils of his victory?

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The rest of the Scooby Gang runs into Klaus, while his now blue-balled self is stalking away from Caroline.  Once again, Klaus is forced to join forces with Team Scooby for a common goal.

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Behold . . . the Eye Candy.

Failing to realize that Plot Device Bonnie is already trying to break the salt barrier, so the vampires can rescue Elena . . . again, and stop Esther and Nouveau Ric, Klaus starts strangling her new beau-not brother Jamie.

You better not hurt me, or my Cousin Skeeter will kick your ass . . .

It shouldn’t be hilarious ..  . but it totally is.

Yes, I’m fully aware that I’m a terrible human being.

Wow, they weren’t kidding.  She really IS just a Human Plot Device!

It’s been three seasons, now.  It’s time the writers deeper into their bag of tricks for spells their witches can do to save / ruin the day at the end of every episode.  For example, I’m really tired of the one where they bleed on a piece of paper, and the blood travels around to “find stuff.”  I know, it’s supposed to be all intense and visceral.  But it always just looks like bad finger painting to me.  It would have been better (or at least funnier) if they had Klaus draw another pony picture, and the horse GALLOPED off the page to Elena’s rescue.

Of course, all the vampires are still busy licking salt, so Token Humans Jeremy and Matt have to go out to the creepy ceremony to save Elena . . . This can’t end well . . .

Back at the cemetery, Esther snatches Elena’s blood and feeds it to Alaric.

Coincidentally, Elena’s O face . . . and Elena’s OH NO face are strikingly similar . . .

She then kills him, helpfully informing Elena that, during Alaric’s transition, he will become “Good Alaric” for one final time.  Then, Jeremy and Matt pop up, and try to shoot Esther, which, of course, doesn’t work . . . because she’s an evil witch ghost DUH!  But surprise!

Crossbows RULE.  Just ask this guy . . .

Good Alaric rises to kill the biatch.

“NO MOTHER’S DAY CARD FOR YOU!”

Hooray . . . for now.

In other good news, now that Queen of the Vampire Haters is dead, Bonnie can move the salt with her mind.  The Scooby Gang is FREE!  But before they can leave to grab Elena, Klaus and Stefan, must fight like the gay lovers they truly are.

“We never touch anymore . . . except when you’re strangling me, or trying to stake me in the stomach.”

Klaus, once again, bemoans his lost friendship with Stefan . . . and by “friendship” he means all the great hot ripper sex they used to have.  Unfortunately, for Klaus, Stefan rejects him too . . . so the sex must not have been as good for Stefan, as it was for Klaus.

“Screw you, Recapper.  I’m an Adonis in the sack!”

Wow, duped by Beks, hated by his own mother, and rejected by both Caroline and Stefan . .. this REALLY isn’t Klaus’ episode, is it?

Worst . . . Funeral . . . EVER!

“Shouldn’t someone like say a speech or something?”

“No, no . . . just stare it him.  The depressing -want-to-slit-your-wrist-music will do all the work for us.”

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It’s maudlin emotional manipulation time, when we learn that Alaric, like Caroline’s dad before him, is not going to complete his vampire transition, so as to save his friends from his own murderous impulses.  This is followed by a massively tear jerking moment, in which the entire cast of the vampire diaries, stares longingly at Alaric, and gives the character, and presumably the actor, a fond adieu.

But that’s not all, we also get, single-tear soulful crying moments, first from surrogate son Jeremy, who’s been through this WAY too many times before . . .

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 . . . then from super crier, Elena . . .

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 . . . and finally, from Alaric himself, as bromantic team Bad Ass buddy Damon, joins Alaric in his self-imposed prison for one final glass of scotch, or bourbon, or whatever the heck is these two’s liquid of choice these days.

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In my absolute favorite scene of the entire episode Damon . . . the King of the Single Tear Cry apologizes for killing Alaric  . . .  twice, while Alaric playfully teases Damon about the cheeseball romance novel dream death he gave Dear Rose,  last season.  A few, alcoholic jokes are exchanges, before Alaric finally passes out from the sedative Meredith gave him.  And a lonely, and bereft Damon exits the “jail” stage left.

And if the episode ended here, I would have been happy . . . very happy.  Not because I want Alaric to be dead, of course.  But because I think this would have been a fitting and poignant send off, for a much beloved character . .  . (who’s going to be starring on another show on the CW soon, anyway) . . .

But nooooo .  . . we still have about five minutes left in the episode.  And it only takes about five minutes for everything to go to hell in a bloody hand basket . . .

“Hey, remember that time when I ate you in this gym?  Good times!”

After a couple sweet scenes, featuring various Mystic Falls’ couples comforting each other, in the wake of the “loss of Alaric” Matt and Jeremy: (“Let’s do shots for the Dead Alcoholic,)”

Bonnie and Not-Brother Jamie: (“I’m so sad about Alaric, even though I’ve shared maybe two scenes with him, since the pilot episode. Dad’s not home.  Let’s screw.”)

And Stefan and Elena: “Here’s the gym where I made you feel really bad, by turning off my emotions, and trying to eat you.  Feeling bad makes you human.  Let’s screw.”) . . .

. . . annoying ass Esther returns again . . .

. . . just we thought we were finally rid of that pucker lipped ho.  This time, she’s in Bonnie’s dreams.

Mother Effer (Or should I say, “Mother Esther?”)

Poor Bonnie . . . always a plot device  . . . never a bride.  Off she goes in her Esther-induced trance to almost dead Alaric’s jail to give the leaving Damon, one of her famous migraines . . .

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“One of these days, I’m going to invest in a really good helmet.”

 . . . and to force feed herself to Alaric.  In the final moments of the episode, Alaric awakens as a Robot Vampire version of himself, armed with a big weiner stake, and out for revenge.

Buffy Alaric VAMPIRE the Vampire Slayer

Silly Scooby Gang . . . you should have let Damon break his neck, when you had the chance.

Next week on TVD, more BAAAAAD Alaric beating people up and breaking sh*t  . . .

. . . at least, until they kill him again . . . probably for good this time.  But since they had the funeral already (and Alaric’s already died about 85,000 times since the pilot episode), this one is probably going to be a bit anti-climactic.  Alaric Saltzman has officially become the Boy Who Cried Dead.

Did I mention we already have a webclip?

One things for sure, with only two episodes left in the season, TVD is going to really have to up its game to wow its increasingly tough to please fanbase.  We’ve seen it all, these past three seasons: murder, cannibalism, sex, sacrifice,  death, destruction, doppelganger hijinks.  What can they possibly throw at us now? 🙂  You’re guess is as good as mine . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Managing Expect-A-tions – A Review of Pretty Little Liar’s Season 2 Finale “UnmAsked”

[Brief note: This post is simply a “review of” and “reaction to” “UnmAsked.”  A full recap will follow . . . eventually. :)]

Strait jackets .  . . all the cool psychopaths are wearing them . . . 

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week, PLL wrapped up its sophomore season with a season finale that was arguably as polarizing as “A” herself.  Thousands of frustrated fans flooded the message boards, Twitter, and YouTube to express their discontent with the way the season concluded.

Meanwhile, others rushed to defend the controversial choices made by the writers and producers.

The source of this controversy, of course, was the identity of “A” . . . the technologically savvy, ridiculously snarky, and seemingly omniscient super villain, who had been torturing the titular Pretty Little Liars, since the pilot episode.

And while I suspect a large number of fans were surprised by the reveal, it wasn’t necessarily for the reasons the writers intended . . .

Truth be told, this was far from the first time a television series that had been based on a book series chose to remain faithful to some of those novels’ main plot points.  Many television shows have successfully done this, without provoking the inevitable ire of the fandom.  Back in 2008, True Blood was applauded for its faithfulness to the murder mystery storyline that comprised the first book of the Sookie Stackhouse book series (serial killer included).

A season later, they were applauded again for creatively diverting from those same books, in order to save the life of a beloved character, who notoriously met his demise on the first few pages of the series’ second novel.

More recently, in 2011, the producers of Game of Thrones received critical acclaim for their almost slavish loyalty to the book series on which it was based.  Critics particularly appreciated the show’s courageous decapitation of the show’s main character, a moral and mostly likeable protagonist, who also happened to be played by a rather well-known and popular actor.

So what made PLL the high school outcast of this group?

The difference in this situation, I think, was that the producers, writers, and cast of PLL failed to properly manage expectations regarding what viewers could expect to see in the season’s final episode.  In what was undoubtedly an attempt at last-minute damage control, Pretty Little Liars showrunner, Marlene King, assured fans that she had never explicitly told fans that the identity of “A” would be different from who it was in the books.  And yet, when countless articles, and press releases, like THIS ONE, and THIS ONE posited this very theory as stemming directly from King, herself, she never exactly disabused fans of this notion, either.

So, when Mona van der Waal acted so RIDICULOUSLY guilty, throughout the show’s second season, that she all but wore a neon sign on her back that said, “I AM A,” recappers and reviewers, like myself, pointedly avoided listing her as our main suspect, simply because we took for granted the fact that the writers weren’t going to go there.

 

So, when they did, in fact, go there, we couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed and betrayed.

And that’s a shame, because it undermined the integrity of what was, by many other respects, a pretty solid finale episode.

Truth be told, of all the possible “A” suspects — with the exception of, perhaps, Not-so-Blind Jenna, and maybe Lucas — Mona had the best motive to be “A.”  After all, she had been shamelessly tortured by Ali throughout most of high school, while the rest of the PLL girls stood idly by, and let it happen.

To make matters worse, Hanna, Mona’s self-proclaimed “one true friend,” has been noticeably distant from Mona, throughout the series, consistently ditching her to engage in “A-Sleuthing” with the rest of the liars . . . (of course, it could be argued that Hanna’s recent absence from her life was actually MONA’S fault).

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And yet, I would have liked to see the producers push the boundaries a bit, by not necessarily going with the most obvious choice for “A.”

We’ve seen the writers take chances like this, earlier in the series, in a number of ways: by introducing new characters, who weren’t in the books, choosing not to kill characters who died in the books, and, in one particular instance, killing a character who DID survive the series.  So, why not do it again, in this instance, by changing the identity of “A” to someone unexpected . . . someone who seemed a bit less . . . for lack of a better term . . . shady?

Or, conversely, I would have liked for the writers to simply be honest about the direction in which the story was headed, by saying something like this: “There are some aspects of the television series that pay homage to the books.  But even faithful book readers will find some surprises in store for them in the season finale.”

This, at least, is a true, and non-misleading, statement.  After all, the finale DID have some surprises contained within it, even for fans of the book series . . .

Unlike a lot of other series’ season finales, which tend to be slow-moving and uneventful, until the last ten minutes of the episode, “UnmAsked” definitely FELT like a season finale.  The episode moved a long at a brisk pace, throughout the hour.

And the genuinely creepy locales where the drama unfolded . . .  for example, the Psycho-inspired motel (complete with its very own Norman Bates, lookalike) and accompanying Shower Scene . . .

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 . . .  the Masquerade Ball filled with strangers and unsavory looking characters . . .

. . .  the abandoned road on a dark and stormy night, A’s “Lair” which looked like it would have been right at home in the first hour of any episode of Law and Order, SVU . . .

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 . . . only added to the building excitement, and unshakeable feeling of impending doom.

I was also really impressed with the acting in this episode.  As the unhinged Mona, Janel Parrish was just the right mix of campy crazy, unintentionally hilarious, and genuinely terrifying.

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Hanna’s shock and sadness at learning her so-called bestie was a total wackadoodle, who HIT HER WITH A CAR, felt real to me.

Shay Mitchell’s Emily literally had me in tears, during the episodes heartbreaking final moments . . . And this is coming from someone who was never a Maya fan.

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(I also adored the parallel between the pilot episode’s Body Discovery, and this one.  That background song they played during both, will haunt me for the rest of my days . . .)

And who could forget the unbeatable Team Sparia, who provided the episode’s only evidence of comic relief . . . not to mention a nice nod to a certain segment of the fandom?

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Speaking of ships,  fans of Ezria . . .

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Spoby . . .

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  . . . and Haleb . . .

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 . . .  all had something to cheer about, when the aforementioned couples each received their respective Happily Ever Afters Nows, this week.

Of course, I still wanted my Wren to make an appearance . . . (Damn you, writers!  DAMN YOU!)

And while the episode did answer some of the major questions plaguing fans throughout the series, it also presented us with plenty of new ones to get us excited for the upcoming third season (which is set to premiere this summer).  Here are just some of the questions that were swimming around my head, after “UnmAsked” concluded:

(1) Who exactly is on the A Team?

Was Mona REALLY it’s leader?

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 (And why didn’t Spencer “join it,” when she was given the chance?  I mean, wouldn’t that have been the perfect way to keep your ENEMIES CLOSER?)

(2) Which mysterious female dressed as The Black Swan at the Masquerade Ball?

(3) Who was Not-so-Blind Jenna talking to in the park, and what mysterious item did she give her (because it looked much too small to be the Black Swan costume)?  And WHEN DID SHE GET HER DRIVER’S LICENSE?

(4) What the F is the deal between Abs Toby and Dr. Sullivan (a.k.a. as the lame shrink who got scared out of town by an eighty pound high schooler?  Is he her son, or what?  How much did they know about what was going on?  And why was it necessary for Toby to “pretend he didn’t love Spencer?”

(5) Who exactly was the creepy chick with the red dess and gold mask at the Masquerade Ball?

And was she the same creepy chick who visited Mona in the loony bin, at the end of the episode?

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(6) Does Mona’s have Supernatural Powers, which enabled her to BEAT UP Spencer and Emily, on separate occasions, and CARRY SPENCER INTO A CAR?  (Oh and how lame was Dr. Sullivan’s explanation of her PSYCHOSIS?  How exactly does being a psychopath, make you seem omniscient to OTHER PEOPLE?  Where exactly did this b*tch go to shrink school anyway, Dunkin Donuts?)

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(7) Did the flashback featuring Mona and “Ali” dressed as Vivian Darkbloom actually happen?  Did “Ali” really not pick up the phone, when Mona called her, like Mona said?  Or was being “A” the price Mona paid for her so-called popularity?

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(8)Who killed Maya (assuming Maya is actually dead) and why?

(9) And, perhaps, most importantly, “WHERE’S MY WREN?”

So, tell me, my Pretties, what were your thoughts on the Season 2 finale?  Were you disappointed that Mona was “A?”  What are your expectations for next season, in light of some of the cliffhangers / new mysteries introduced here?  Feel free to vent to your heart’s content, in the comment section below.  I’ll see you there!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Oh, Eli Goldsworthy of Degrassi! – I Love You, You Sexy Psychopath!

A few years ago, Degrassi (a.k.a. The Little Canadian Show that Could) introduced us all to the remarkable talents of one, Nina Dobrev.  Nina eventually went on to star in my now – FAVORITE television show, The Vampire Diaries .  . .

You are hearing it here, first, my fellow teen television drama fans!  Munro Chambers will be Degrassi’s next Big Breakout Star. 

Week after week, this guy FLOORS me with his Mad Acting Skillz!  Munro intrigued me, when he first came on the scene, this past season, as the guyliner-wearing, sort of emo, hearse-driving, tortured artist, with a rebellious streak, and biting sense of humor, Eli Goldsworthy .  . .

He then won my heart, as the epicurean, closet romantic, whose sheer love of life, and unwillingness to take no for an answer, brought the uptight brainiac Clare Edwards out of her shell . . .

He frustrated me, when he pushed away the very some woman he so vehemently pursued, the following week.  Eli was afraid of letting Clare get too close  . . . fearing she would see beneath his cocksure facade, to the scars that lurked beneath the surface . . .

 And they were some UGLY scars!  When Eli finally admitted his true feelings for Clare, and entered into a relationship with her, she began to see his Dark Side.  But far from scaring her away, seeing Eli’s flaws, only made Clare (and us fans) love him more. 

When Eli antagonized bullies twice his size, until they kicked his ass.  And then he tricked those SAME bullies into getting ARRESTED through a very cunning bait-and-switch, involving Fake IDs, we questioned whether he had a Death Wish . . .

And when we met his parents for the first time, we wondered whether he was adopted (and kind of hoped that he was, for the sake of genetics) . . .

The Future of EClare?  Oh HELL NO!

And when we found out about Eli’s Big Secret, we were shocked and saddened.  Our hearts broke for this fictional character, who suddenly felt so very real to us, both in our minds and our  . . . ahem . . . other parts . . .

Eli became even more complex and multi-layered, when we discovered that the untimely loss of his girlfriend led to his struggles with hoarding . . .

I hate to say it, but as grossly messy as that room is, it also looks pretty cool!  Doesn’t it?

But just when us fans thought we had learned everything there was to know about Eli, he introduced us to a whole new side of himself, his PSYCHO SIDE!

This week, on Part 2 of Jesus, Etc., an old enemy of Eli’s found the Lord, and tried to use HIM to get into Clare’s pants . . .

Ummm . . . righteous?

Though this recent turn of events would be enough to piss off even the most calm and collected of boyfriends, the already volatile-natured Eli took things harder then most.  Throughout the episode, we witnessed the character slowly unravel, and gradually descend into madness. 

Watching Eli waver between agressively trying to protect his girlfriend from “The Jesus Guy” (through blustery anger and controlling manipulation), and placating her, with over-exaggerated declarations of love, and increasingly desperate demands for forgiveness, was both cringeworthy, and deliciously fascinating.  I didn’t know whether to turn away in horror, or wiggle closer to the television screen .  . .

“I feel like you are slipping away,” complains Eli, during one of his softer, more emotionally moments moments.

“Don’t leave me.  OK?  Please?”  Eli begs, during another one.

Amidst it all, were a trio of genuinely creepy moments, during which Eli would break the Fourth Wall, and stare directly at the viewers at home, with a look that was both inviting, and, at the same time, undeniably evil.

But it was not until the final scene of the episode, that things with Eli got REALLY psychotic (and, therefore, CRAZY FUN!).  Check out the “interesting” way in which Eli chooses to conclude the horror story, “Stalker Angel” that he’s been working on throughout the episode. In particular, pay attention to the the uncomfortably ironic similarities between the fictional story being described, and the Bizarre Love Triangle that is Clare / Eli / and the Born-Again (so-called “Angelic”) Fitz:

Eli:  The hero, Malcolm, realizes that he could never protect his heroine, Rachel, from Stalker Angel, so he has no choice but to . .

Clare: (interrupts)  . . . kill Stalker Angel

Eli: No, he kills Rachel.  He grabs his knife, cuts her throat, drinks her blood, and forever they are one!

Clare: That’s disturbing.

Eli: It’s brilliant.  It wouldn’t be much of a horror story, otherwise.

Clare: (with uncertainty) Of course.

Eli: It’s my masterpiece.  And I couldn’t have written it without you.  It’s all about YOU, Clare!

Clare:  (laughs nervously)  Great . . .just . . . try not to kill me, K?

Eli:  Don’t I owe you a driving lesson?  The HEARSE awaits.

Check out the scene in its frighteningly foreboding entirety here, IF YOU DARE!

The last shot of the episode, which features Eli loudly declaring his love for Clare, as he possessively wraps his arm around her, and glares sadistically at the camera, genuinely gave me chills!  After all, when it comes to Eli, I literally never know what he’s going to do next.  And THAT is was keeps me coming back to the show, week, after week.

Kudos to Degrassi for creating such a wonderfully relatable, and, at the same time, definitively insane, character, in Eli Goldsworthy!  And even bigger kudos to Munro Chambers, for bringing Eli to life on the small screen!  I can’t wait to see YOU in prime time, Mr. Chambers! 

Just . . . try not to kill me, K?

[www.juliekushner.com]

“We are going to EAT YOU!” – A Recap of True Blood’s “Everything is Broken”

OK.  So what’s the deal with Vampires and their Dead People Souvenirs?  I mean, think about it.  We’ve got Russell and his Talbot-filled urn . . .

“I look like a delicious Blood Gelato!”

Eric and his daddy’s crown . . .

and Lorena and her Rib Cage Hat  . . .

You would think that creatures who have been around for hundreds of years would have learned a thing or two about CLOSURE, by now.  Apparently not . . .

The Softer Side of Eric Northman

Yes, I know that Eric and Sookie had NO SCENES together AGAIN this week.  But that doesn’t mean they can’t have scenes together on my blog, dammit!

After watching Eric behave particularly ruthlessly last week (He both hoodwinked the King, AND killed his lover.), it was interesting to see him vulnerable and very much on the defensive, this week.  When the episode begins, Eric Northman is on the run from Russell, with sexy bits of Talbot still hanging off his open-shirted body . . .

In fact, Eric probably could have really used one of THESE, today!   (More wishful thinking on my part.)

By the way, even though I was mourning the noticeable absence of Eric’s Blue Panty Dropper Sweater, this week . . .

Clearly, SOOKIE liked it too!

 . . . the sight of an Open-Shirted Eric on my television screen went a long way in providing ME with closure.  (Not to mention, more dropped panties in the TV Recapper Household.)

But I digress . . . So, Eric rushes into Fangtasia and instructs Vampire Pam that the two of them will need a place to hide, until all of this blows over. 

“They’ll never recognize us in THESE!”

Vampire Pam immediately suggests the duo hide out at Sookie’s house.

But Eric nixes the idea immediately, because that would be the first place Russell would look.

So, Vampire Pam suggests Dumb Waitress Ginger’s house, as a backup plan.

“Ooh, golly!  I just LOVE slumber parties!  I just wish they didn’t always end with me getting an STD . . .”

Unfortunately, before Vampire Pam can glamour Ginger into letting her and Eric stay at her place, the police arrive  . . . The VAMPIRE POLICE, a.k.a. The American Vampire League.

“The clothing may seem like a bit much.  But we just came from eating the cast of The Matrix.  All that tight leather just seemed too good to waste!”

For reasons that escape my understanding, Vampire Nan Flanagan immediately orders one of her crew of extras from Terminator 4 to “silver” Eric, which, I guess, is the vampire equivalent to tasering.

“I’m so friggin constipated!  I KNEW I shouldn’t have eaten Taco Bill for dinner, last night.”

“It’s called Compton-zuma’s Revenge,  b*tch!”

When the “silvering” happens, Ginger starts randomly screaming her head off . . .

I would have HATED to be on set the day they auditioned people for this character.  Can you imagine?  Hours and hours, of women screaming at the top of their lungs.

Yes, Vampire Eric (a.k.a. Mr. Stamina), we know YOU can imagine it very well.

As it turns out, Nan and her Robo Cops aren’t interested in Eric’s role in Talbot’s death at all.  Instead, they are concerned about the death of the Magister.

It’s OK.  I forgot about him too.  With all these pretty dead characters, the average-looking ones often get short shrift.

If you recall, it was Russell, not Eric,  over whom the Magister  . . . um . . . “lost his head” a few weeks back.  Eric tells Vampire Nan and her cronies as much, during his “webcam testimony.”  With a stoic expression that thinly veils his anguish, Eric (in a performance worthy of an Emmy nomination) completely exposes himself to the American Vampire League.  Fighting back bloody tears, Eric tells of his family’s demise by Russell’s army of V- addicted (leaving out, of course, the whole, “I only survived, because I was schtupping the milkmaid” part.) 

He also tells the Vampire League of Russell’s current dealings with werewolves, and his desire to overthrow the Vampire League, thus allowing vampires to walk the world freely, eating whoever they want, whenever they want them.”

“Check me out, on my high horse.”

Eric concludes with a request that he be allowed kill Russell, himself.

Nan agrees to take Eric’s testimony back to the American Vampire League for its review.  However, during that time, Eric and Pam are kept on lockdown at Fangtasia pending a verdict.  Fearing that the League will use Eric as a scapegoat for the Magister’s death, rather then prosecute the powerful King Russell, Eric mentally prepares himself to be put to “final death.”

In yet another emotional scene, Vampire Eric tells Vampire Pam that if he doesn’t make it out of this “trial” alive, Pam should create a new vampire.  “It is time for you to be a Maker,” says Eric, tearfully.

“My future Grandpa is SO HOT!”

It’s interesting that, while Vampire Bill considers his vampiric nature a curse, and was anguished over having to make Vampire Jessica, Vampire Eric clearly has pride in his species, and, apparently, feels some obligation to extend his “familial line” within it.

The next day Nan Flanagan returns to give Vampire Eric the good news.  Not only will he NOT be put to death for killing the Magister (which he didn’t do) or for killing Talbot (which he did), he will also be given free reign by the Vampire League to kill King Russell, provided he does so without the help or outward approval of the League.

“I know what you are . . . (but I plan to drag out telling you for as many episodes as possible).”

“I know something YOU don’t!  I know something YOU don’t!  Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah, Nahhhh!”

OK.  They’ve officially strung along this “What is Sookie?” mystery for WAY TOO LONG!  With all of this buildup, people are just bound to be disappointed, when they find out the truth.  Anyway, most of Sookie’s storyline this week involved her trying to figure out what exactly she is, and why her gifts seem to be, at least, partially, genetic.  (Jason has yet to exhibit glow fingers, to our knowledge.)

Perhaps, he reserves his glowing for OTHER parts of his anatomy, if you catch my drift . . .

When we first see Sookie, she is taking a bloody shower with Vampire Bill .  . .

Watching this particular “bloody shower” scene reminded me of two things . . . well, images, actually.  Wanna see them?  Sure you do!  Here’s image one . . .

 . . . and here’s (the much nicer) image two . . .

Unfortunately, this was NEITHER of those shower scenes.  In this one, Bill and Sookie exchange quite a bit of blood.  A portion of this is accomplished by Vampire Bill fervently jabbing his bloody finger into Sookie’s gaping wounds.   (Ummm . . . Owww?)  Believe it or not, this kinky sex act is actually crucial to the plot of this episode . . . And, no, I’m not just saying that sarcastically.

When Sookie emerges from her Shower of Pain, she stumbles upon a dead naked dude in her living room.  Now, while the Sookie of previous seasons would likely have reacted to the sight, by doing this . . .

“Beeeeeeeeeeaaaaal!”

 . . . new and improved Sookie just looked kind of bored.

“Dammit!  I ORDERED a TALL naked corpse.  This one is 5’8”, tops!”

When a contrite Vampire Bill tries to explain to Sookie his whole “dead werewolf sob story,” Sookie cuts him off, completely uninterested in any excuse he may have.  “There’s an old tarp outside.  We can use it to cover him,” she suggests helpfully.

While the on-again, off-again couple are dragging the dead body outside to be buried, they bicker like an old married couple about love, trust and relationship expectations.  I found this scene, in particular, a bit bothersome, as, during it, Sookie is basically reitering to Bill her “dumping” speech from the week prior.  Since then, precisely NOTHING has changed, of course.  All of the problems that existed in the relationship between Sookie and Bill previously (Sookie’s non-immortality, perpetual danger, a lack of love and trust) are still there.  And yet, Sookie took Vampire Bill back in less than an hour’ s time.  That vamp must be SUPER in the sack, that’s all I’M saying . . .

But, not as good as Mr. Stamina, I bet!

Once the body has been buried, Sookie begins to interrogate Bill about that dossier he seems to have on her.  “I don’t know how things were back in the 1800’s, but today, when your boyfriend keeps a file of personal information on you, that’s just plain creepy!”  Sookie gripes.

“It’s not just creepy, Sookie.  It’s Rib Cage Hat, creepy!”

Bill claims he collected the dossier to find out why Eric Northman was so interested in Sookie, so that he could “protect her” from Eric.

Why is everyone blaming Eric Northman for their problems, today?  We all KNOW from watching previous episodes that BILL and Queen Sophie Anne knew about Sookie’s “special  talents,” long before Eric Northman had any clue.   And in terms of Eric’s “interest” in Sookie, up until last week, IT has been almost entirely of a sexual nature . . .

Later, Sookie sits alone in her living room examining Vampire Bill’s “file” on her, which, truth be told, makes a WAY better scrapbook than the empty and super lame “Sookie and Bill” one, that Sookie cried over last week.

It figures that Vampire Bill would be good at this sort of thing.  Right?

In Sookie’s defense, Vampire Bill has had 100’s of years to practice the art of scrapbooking, while Sookie has had only about 26.

In the “scrapbook,” Sookie comes across an article about her father’s public claim that he possessed a “sixth sense” about certain things.  This caused Sookie to wonder whether other members of her family were telepaths too.  And THAT was where young Hunter came in . . .

“If  my son ends up being anything like YOU, I’ll kill myself.  No offense.”

While Sookie is examining Bill’s “pretty” scrapbook, she receives a call from her Counsin Hadley, who has somehow escaped the Vampire King’s mansion and wants to see her cousin before she leaves.  Sookie meets Hadley at a bus station.  There, Hadley apologizes to Sookie for blabbing the origins of her “super secret powers” to the ENTIRE vampire community.

Apparently,  Hadley had become deeply enmeshed in that comunity, lately, due to her having become Queen Sophie Anne’s favorite sex toy . . . . 

This is Hadley.

Of course, even though she has already told most of the Vampire World, Hadley NEVER tells Sookie, herself, what she is, because that would just be too easy . . . (She’s saving it for sweeps week, perhaps?)  Of course, Hadley has not only come to Sookie to apologize, she has also come to “test” her son. Hadley fears that if Hunter is “like Sookie,” that he will be in danger of being tracked down by the vampires too.  So, Sookie sits down next to Hunter and tries to speak to him with her mind.  Lo and behold, HUNTER is a telepath too!

When Hadley finds this out, she grabs her child and escapes the bus terminal,  faster than you can say, “Beeeeeeeeeaaaaal!”

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . because THAT’S not insulting at all!

“Was it something I mind read?”

Dream a Little Dream . . . of Electroshock Therapy.

That day, due to his ingestion of massive quantities of Sookie’s blood, Vampire Bill finds himself in the same cheeseball dream sequence Sookie inhabited just a few weeks earlier.  You know, the one with all the flowers and the spaced out dancers?

When Claudine .  . .

 . . . notices that Bill’s in her little “Hippy Dippy, Age of Aquarius” forest, she becomes immediately convinced that Bill has killed Sookie.  She then zaps his face with her glow fingers, causing him to crumble onto the grass.

Once, he has recovered, Bill tries to glean information about Sookie from Claudine.  Truth be told, Bill gets very little direct intel.  Rather, for most of the visit, Claudine continually (and annoyingly) babbles about how Vampire Bill is “stealing Sookie’s light” and blah, blah, blah. 

Claudine does, however, reveal to Bill that it is her purpose in life to protect Sookie.  “Wow, you must be doing a really sh*tty job, then.  Because that b*tch gets her ass kicked in almost every episode,” retorts Vampire Bill, echoing the thoughts of the entire True Blood fanbase.

And yet, sh*tty security detail or no, Vampire Bill leaves the dream sequence knowing EXACTLY what Sookie Stackhouse is.  “I know what you are,” brags Vampire Bill, when he reunites with her the next evening.

And .  . . then the scene ends.  You know what that makes YOU, True Blood?

Jason Stackhouse leads the War Against Inbreeding

“Take that procreators of two-headed babies!”

Speaking of cockteases, you know who else is one?  THIS GIRL!

Once again, Jason barges into Crystal’s trailer, and once again she is there with her betrothed (and probably brother) Felton.  As if that isn’t bad enough, Crystal tells that loony hick Felton that Jason RAPED HER!

Felton, who has always prided himself on being the ONLY one who can rape Crystal, charges at Jason, knocking his gun from his hand.  Then, Crystal, undoubtedly realizing that all of this is her fault, knocks Felton unconscious by pistol whipping him from behind. 

“Will you stop making me a rapist?”  Jason whines, as the two try to determine how to move the unsconscious Felton’s limp body.  The pair ultimately decide to tie him to a nearby tree in the forest, using rope (because handcuffs don’t work on him, according to Crystal).

Once that is done, Jason, doing an awesomely bad impersonation of a female for no reason whatsoever, alerts the authorities to Felton’s whereabouts. 

“While I have you on the phone, I was wondering .  . . can I borrow some tampons?”

In a surprisingly astute, though highly unethical move, Jason also plants a plastic bag filled with vampire blood in Felton’s pocket, before fleeing the scene with Crystal.

The next day, Jason and Crystal head to the police station, and are alarmed to learn that Kevin, the police officer who visited Felton on account of Jason’s call, was beaten to a bloody pulp by all the other inbreds living in the trailer park.  Now completely determined to get vengeance upon these Deliverance movie extras, Jason approaches Andy with a surprisingly devious and well- thought out plan as to how the Bon Temps PD can infiltrate and arrest the entire trailer park.  The plan is to use the (planted) bag of vampire blood found on Felton as  probable cause to search the trailer park’s premises for crystal meth.  The fact that JASON came up with this idea, and Andy didn’t leads to only one logical conclusion.

 . . . these two have temporarily swapped brains.

But Jason and Andy weren’t the only ones not acting like themselves this week.  You know who else wasn’t?  THIS GUY  . . .

When Calvin Norris, Leader of the Inbreeds, came into Merlotte’s to chew out Crystal for snitching on her own family, Sam surprised everybody, by going totally Incredible Hulk on his ass, tearing up his own bar, and knocking over Crystal in the process.

After Calvin was shipped off to the hospital, Jason triumphantly shared with Crystal his “brilliant” plan to bring down the evil members of her trailer park community.  He presumed this Great Ideea would help him get laid  . . .

 . . . again.  Instead, Crystal cried hysterically at the thought of her father/brother, cousin/ grandfather, sister / mother-in-law etc., possibly going to jail.  She then stormed out of Merlotte’s, leaving a flustered and highly unsatisfied Jason in her wake.

“So much for an early Christmas present.  Maybe there is no such thing as Santa Claus, after all . . .”

Franklin’s BACK!  Annnnnnnd . . . now, he’s gone again!

I never realized how much I truly missed using this disturbing picture in my recaps, until I couldn’t use it anymore . . .

If Jason was suffering any ill effects from his recent endeavors with Crystal . . .

. . . he sure wasn’t showing it.  In fact, when Jason saved Tara from the clutches of the Evil and Unsquashable, Franklin Mott, he seemed like he had Balls of Steel!

But, perhaps, I should backtrack a bit.  When we last saw Franklin, he looked a lot like THIS . . .

 . . . because Tara had hit him with THIS . . .

 . . . while he was sleeping.

Understandably, this was a highly traumatic experience for Tara, who spends most of the episode coping emotionally with her post-traumatic stress.  She even attends a rape support group, alongside, new Merlotte’s waitress, Holly.  Then, toward the end of the episode, Tara finds herself face to face with her living nightmare, once again . . .

“I’m Baaaack!”

Giving no explanation whatsoever as to HOW he survived Tara’s head bashing, Looney Franklin accosts Tara outside Merlotte’,s and threatens her life.  His threats are surprisingly half-hearted, as the vamp actually appears to be more HURT than angry that the “love of his life” tried to literally bash his head in with a blunt object.  In fact, when Tara informs him that she would rather die than spend another second with him, Franklin actually looks like he is about to cry.  And it is in that teary moment, that JASON COMES TO THE RESCUE!

In his THIRD smart move of the night (I’m pretty sure this is a record of some sort.), Jason somehow has the foresight to preload his gun with wooden bullets, which are the only kind that can actually KILL vampires.  (Apparently, Tara could have saved herself a lot of trouble, by simply doing some internet research at the Big Gay Mississippi Mansion where Franklin was holding her captive.) 

So, Jason fires a few rounds at Franklin, and THIS happens . . .

Talk about CLOSURE!

In Other News . . .

Arlene, convinced her new baby will be EVIL . . .

. . . because it’s REAL daddy was a serial killer . . .

 . . . talks to new waitress, Holly, about terminating her pregnancy.

Plus . . .

Hoyt and Jessica . . .

 . . . FINALLY shared a sweet moment together . . .

. . . after weeks of pining after eachother separately.   In fact, Hoyt went as far as to admit that he HATED his lame-ass, biscuit-baking, antique- scouting, doll-hugging, new girlfriend, Summer . . .

 . . . but was staying with her anyway, because he was afraid to be alone.  This admission caused the Baby Vamp to burst into tears . . .

 . . . which, of course . . . Tommy Mickens interpreted as a grand opportunity to get into her Perpetual Virgin panties . . .

Speaking of Tommy .  . .

He’s a thief, who enjoys sassing his elders, and slutting about with big boobed floosies . . .

 . . . but, for whatever, reason, I sort of like him anyway.  Weird.

Also . . .

Lafayette and Jesus seem to be having a lot really hot sex.  And Jesus looks adorable in Lafayette’s Queeny Pink Kimono.  If that’s not a sign of a long- lasting relationship, I don’t know what is. 

 (I’m not really sure where they are going with this sweet, but kind of dull, storyline.  Are you?)

And finally . . .

Russell Edgington . . .

. . . upon seeing his boyfriend reduced to what looked like the insides of a can of red Silly String . . .

 .  . . COMPLETELY SNAPPED.  So, while Nan Flanagan was busy “eating out”  (seriously, are there ANY completely straight vampires on this show?), and eagerly awaiting passage of the Vampire Rights Amendment, Russell was breaking into a local news room, and killing the anchor on live television.  “Humans, us vampires are NOT your equals,” The Old Nutbag announced to the World.  “We are superior to you in every way.  We are going to eat you, after we eat your children.  Back to the weather, Tiffany.”

Now, see, THAT is why I don’t watch local news.   It’s WAY TOO DEPRESSING!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  See you next week . . . unless Russell Edgington eats me, first!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Where’s My Wren? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars “Reality Bites Me”

If you’ve read any of my recaps before, you know that I generally like to choose a cheesy title for them, one that hopefully encapsulates the tone of the particular episode I am recapping.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that this week, because I was a little distracted.  The problem, I think, was that I just didn’t love this episode, as much as I loved previous ones.  It just seemed like something was missing, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. 

Then it hit me . . .

The “thing” that was missing from this week’s installment of “Pretty Little Liars” started with a “W” and ended with a “ren.”  The entire time I was watching this episode, I kept listening for that adorable British accent, watching for that smile, and waiting for that hot drunken schmuck to drop another flower pot on Spencer’s floor . . .

. .  . but he never showed.

The episode even tried to trick me, by having a “Wren stand in” pop on the screen to flirt with Spencer.  And, truth be told, that guy looked a little drunk too (More on him later.).  But you can’t fool ME, ABC Family!  Personally, I think you are trying to hide the fact that Wren was kidnapped by the Witchy A, ruiner of all TV relationships . . .

But I digress . . .  A LOT.  Seeing as how I just wasted 200 words of my recap on a guy who wasn’t even IN this week’s installment, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE bring him BACK!  I imagine I should probably start recapping the actual episode.  So, let’s get started . . .

A Lip-sticky Situation

Hanna was a TOTAL Nancy Drew this episode, wasn’t she?   Nothing much exciting really happened to her, but she made up for it, by expertly shoving her nose in the more exciting lives of others.  Oh, and did I mention she got her gay boyfriend to take her back, after she smashed his uber expensive car to smithereens?  Gotta love the forgiving hearts of the filthy rich . . .

“Hey, no worries!  My dad has ten just like it.  We used to lend that one out to the “help.”  They can hitchhike . . .”

But before all that happened, Hanna was eating breakfast, after a slumber party with the girls, when she received yet another mysterious text message from A.  (Apparently, the girls unblocked their cell phones after last week.  So they can now conveniently receive A’s messages again.  I bet you are all SUPER relieved to hear this. I know I was.) 

But this message was different from the others, because it contained . . . an . . . ATTACHMENT!

But, seriously, the ATTACHMENT was actually pretty creepy.  It was a video taken from inside Spencer’s closet.   The video featured our Fabulous Foursome freaking out, after finding that Lipstick Threat on Spencer’s mirror last week . . .

The girls immediately rip open the closet, and something falls on top of them, causing them all to scream.  At this point, I got very excited.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t anything cool, like severed head, or bloody knife, or even a mutilated Barbie doll.  It was .  . .wait for it . . .  a tube of lipstick.

LAME! 

Oh, and it wasn’t even a pretty lipstick, like the one illustrated above.  It was an ugly ass hot pink lipstick, in a shade that was obviously created  to be exclusively worn by airheaded teenage girls in 80’s movies.

Oops . . . she didn’t like that comment, did she?

Clearly, we were supposed to believe that the hot pink tube of crap hiding in Spencer’s closet was the same lipstick that “A” used to write on Spencer’s mirror.  And yet, seeing as the writing on the mirror was BRIGHT RED, not pink, I just didn’t buy it.

Later, Hanna headed off to Sean’s parents’ dental office to receive her “punishment” for wrecking their car.  Supposedly, the purpose of Hanna’s indentured servitude was to “pay” for the car’s repairs.  However, I personally think, Sean’s parents had a more sinister reason for doing this.  My theory is that Sean’s parents were hoping that Sean would take one look at Hanna in that hideous “Kitty Smock” uniform, and decide not to date the illustrious shoplifter / car thief, after all.

Please officer, I’d much prefer the orange jumpsuit and handcuffs, if you don’t mind.  Purple cartoon cats ALWAYS make me look fat.

Granted, when I was little, I used to go to a dentist’s office, where all the hygienists wore outfits like Hanna’s.  Back then, I thought they were the COOLEST shirts EVER!  So, it’s possible that I am simply not the target demographic for the Kitty Smock.  Who knows?

As Hanna rides the elevator on her way to work, who enters but . . . Creepy Blind Jenna!

And what does Jenna do as soon as she steps in the elevator for a three-second ride?  Well, she does what everyone else does in that situation, of course!  She puts on her lipstick!

Wait . . . are you telling me you DON’T put on lipstick while in a moving compartment, because you are afraid of THIS happening?

Yeah . . . me neither.  But apparently BLIND Jenna does it ALL THE TIME!

Did I mention that she’s BLIND?  Not that there is anything wrong with being BLIND, per se.  It’s just that .  . . well . . . why the heck is she LOOKING in the mirror to apply her LIPSTICK?

Hanna doesn’t seem bothered by this anomaly, at all, however.  She is more concerned with the putrid color of lipstick Jenna is wearing.  Lo and behold it’s the EXACT same UGLY ASS lipstick that the girls’ found in Spencer’s house that morning. 

Jenna asks Hanna (who she can’t SEE, of course), if Hanna likes the lipstick she is wearing.  Hanna, of course, lies through her teeth, fearing that if she tells the truth about how hideous Jenna’s lipstick is, the latter’s EVIL CANE of JUSTICE will break both her kneecaps. 

Speaking of which, where the HECK was Jenna’s cane this week?  Did she leave it in the same place as her good taste in lipstick?  Speaking of “color coordination,” have you ever noticed that Jenna ALWAYS wears the same black outfit in every episode?  Weird . . .

Anyway, after doing some pretty impressive snooping, Hanna later learns that Jenna was in the building seeing her therapist.  Oh yes, boys and girls, Jenna goes to THERAPY!  OMG!  Now, if that doesn’t scream KILLER / STALKER, I don’t know what does!  (Yeah, I’m being sarcastic, in case you haven’t figured it out by now.)

Later, Hanna is rewarded with even more juicy gossip, when she receives an instant message on her laptop from the mysterious “A,” one that contains  . . . wait for it . . . another ATTACHMENT.  This one actually made me giggle.  Wanna see?

If you recall, SOMEONE made A BUTTLOAD of copies of those cheap photobooth makeout pictures that Emily and Maya produced a couple weeks back, seemingly for this exact purpose.  Props to Hanna for not being the b*tch I thought she would be about this discovery.  Not only did she not tell anyone else about what she learned.  But when she spoke to Emily, she was actually really supportive — telling Emily that if she met someone who made her happy, whoever that person was, than that was all that mattered.  She’s kind of growing on me, that Hanna . . .

Hanna gets rewarded for her kindness at the end of the episode, when she’s asked to the homecoming dance by the Almost Definitely Gay Sean.  She didn’t think he would ask her, because she STOLE AND WRECKED HIS CAR!  She also thought he had recently started dating this blonde chick who was driving him around everywhere.  But really, Sean and the blonde chick were just attending some cult group meetings for RLW, which stands for Real Love Waits.  Hanna’s so excited about the homecoming dance, she agrees to attend these cult meetings with him. 

“I would LOVE to go to the dance with you, Honey!  My last beard date TOTALLY cancelled out last minute.”

“Awesome!  We should totally color coordinate!  I found this lipstick in Spencer’s closet that would really complement both of our complexions . . .”

Relationships on the Rocks (Shaken, Not Stirred)

Poor Aria!  If Hanna was getting LUCKY this week, with all her windfalls of juicy gossip, Aria was getting . . . well . . . SUCKY.  For starters, after finding that letter from A about her father’s affair, Aria’s mother, understandably was on the rampage.  Fortunately, she took the news maturely, and didn’t take it out on Aria, who had been forced by her father to keep the affair a secret for an entire year.  But it still made dinner at the Montgomery house mighty awkward!

Douchey Daddy!  Now we know why Hilary Swank left your ass!

Fortunately for Aria, at least, initially, she had her relationship with Mr. Fitz to fall back on.  So, when Fitzy told her that he would be doing a lame short story reading gig that night, Aria jumped at the chance to go watch her beau in action.  Randomly, the place where Fitzy did his reading looked suspiciously like a sports bar.  Quite possibly, it was the SAME sports bar, where Aria and Fitzy did the deed in the potty during the pilot episode.

I KNEW I recognized that toilet!

If that last line about “balloons” was any indication, Fitzy’s writing was BAAAAD!  But Aria wanted back in the Fitzy Pantalones so badly that she didn’t seem to notice.  Someone else DID notice, however — namely, Fitzy’s BFF from college.  I think his name was Artie or Marty or something.  No matter, he was basically just there to toss out some good one-liners and screw things up between Aria and Fitzy . . .

“Happy lovers, have no fear!  Sergeant C*ck Block is HERE!”

While Aria is sitting with the bromantic buddies, Artie / Marty / What’s His Face plays nice, regaling Aria on Fitzy’s “adorable” little quirks, such as laughing in his sleep.  (Now that’s just plain creepy.)  But when Aria leaves, Artie /Marty / What’s His Face really lets Fitzy have it for his underage fling. In fact, he falls just short of calling Poor Fitzy a child molester.  The conversation irks Fitzy considerably.  So much so, that he gives Aria the cold shoulder when she comes back to his place.  Aria mends fences quickly, however, by making out with him, and seductively offering “more later.”  Well played, Aria!

“I’m sure Artie / Marty / What’s His Face is great and all, but can he do THIS for you?”

Unfortunately for Aria, Artie / Marty / What’s His Face isn’t the only person trying to break up her relationship with Fitzy.  When Aria returns to Fitzy’s apartment the next day, to retrieve her cell phone, he is LIVID with her over a text message she received from A about the pair’s relationship.  Fitzy dumps Aria on the spot. 

Expect LOTS of REALLY BAD poetry to come out of the loss of this relationship . . .

Love at First Mixtape

Creepy Toby was only SLIGHTLY less creepy this week.  But the minor personality change was enough to make Oh-Golly-Gee-Please-Don’t-Let-Me-Be–a-Lesbian Emily take notice.  As usual, Toby used his alone time with Emily as an opportunity to lecture her on “being herself” and “not caring what other’s think.”  I swear this dude is like a walking After School Special . . . assuming the After School Special  features the main character killing a girl in the shower, while dressed as his own mother.

From his conversations with Emily, we learn that Creepy Toby is an artist, and that he and Emily share the same taste in music.  He offers to make her a mixtape.  She offers to meet him for coffee.

The problem is that when Emily arrives at the ONE COFFEE SHOP IN TOWN, Hanna and Spencer are already there.  So, Wimpy Emily, not wanting her friends to know she is dating the dude that very possibly could be A / Alison’s Killer, completely ignores Creepy Toby, and goes to sit with the girls instead. 

Creepy Toby angrily stalks off, leaving the waitress at the coffee shop Emily’s mixtape, with instructions that she deliver it to Emily.  The mixtape has a picture of Emily on the front cover — the gesture is either really sweet, or really disturbing, I haven’t decided which yet.

The next day, Emily seeks out Creepy Toby, in hopes of setting things right between them.

Is it merely a coincidence that when Emily finds him, Toby is reading The Catcher in the Rye, a book so commonly associated with serial killers that many libraries put a watch out on anyone who takes it out of the library?  (No joke!)  Why isn’t he reading To Kill a Mockingbird, like everyone else in that school?

Anyway, although clearly pissed with Emily, Creepy Toby quickly forgives her wimpiness he’ll chop her body into little tiny pieces and eat them, later.  By way of apology, she gives him a mixtape.  And even though it doesn’t have Toby’s picture drawn on it, Emily throws her OWN hat into the “Creepy Ring,” by cutting letters out of magazines to spell out “Toby’s Mix” on the CD cover — you know, like they do for ransom notes in the movies?  It’s a Match Made in Disturbia between these two  . . .

Spencer Whacks Some Balls .  . . Her Father’s

Were you at all surprised that Spencer ended up winning the Golden Orchid award for her that paper on the Russian Revolution that she stole from her sister?  I wasn’t.  And neither was Spencer.  She did feel guilty though, especially when her father, who has spent the entire first part of the season completely ignoring her, was suddenly showering her with positive attention.  He even offered to take her to the country club to meet an important prospective client.  Spencer and her dad were to play doubles with this  prospective client and his daughter.

Spencer is so psyched about the opportunity to bond with her dad, that she races off to the tennis club to practice.  There she meets not Wren Alex. The two flirt a bit, as Alex compliments Spencer on the take-charge manner in which she handles balls.  But when the time comes for the match, Spencer’s dad insists that Spencer THROW the game, so that he can soften up the prospective client.  Spencer reluctantly throws the match, and feels terrible about it. 

To make matters worse, her new boy toy not Wren Alex sees the whole thing.  He confronts Spencer about it, commiserating over the abundant pressure to “play games” in order to succeed in high society.  Gutsy Ball Whacker Spencer decides to take the bull by the horns, and ask Alex out.  He can barely contain his surprise and excitement, when he says yes.  You GO GIRL THAT’S NOT WREN!

“Hey Alex, you remind me of someone.  I can’t put my finger on who.  How are you at doing British accents?”

Later that evening, Spencer’s father admits that, not only did he throw the match to woo this client, he also blamed his inability to get a table at the club on a “ball attendant”  . . . namely, Alex.  Spencer is LIVID!  She tells her Dad off for his cheating ways, brilliantly ending the rant with a confession about stealing her sister’s paper.  She sure showed him! 

At the end of the episode, Spencer is seen heading out on a date with not Wren Alex.  Apparently, Spencer isn’t only capable of whacking balls, she can juggle them as well.

That’s all I’ve got folks!  Tune in next week when, hopefully, WREN IS BACK!

We miss you, Drunky!

 

 

July 4th Movie Quote Contest (a.k.a. The post my lazy butt came up with at the last minute, because I drank too much on July 4th)

Have you ever noticed how there is nothing AT ALL to watch on television during the entire July 4th weekend?  Case in point:  Earlier this evening, I was flipping through channels in search of decent programming.  The viewing selection on my small screen was SO bad, that I actually watched an infomercial . . . on a motor scooter for the elderly . . . for a full half hour.  It was only 10 p.m.

Four glasses of wine in my belly, and I was actually about to purchase this . . . another two glasses, and I would have bought a spare one for my pet cat.

But you know what DOESN’T suck during July 4th weekend?  MOVIES!

July 4th weekend is a time when film production companies tend to release their highest budget films, in hopes of scoring big at the box office, and, thereby, achieving that much coveted “blockbuster” status.  It is also a time when television networks tend to air some of Hollywood’s most successful blockbusters, during prime time hours.  Networks tend to do this because (1) why bother putting out new content, when everyone is too sunburned and beer-logged to watch it; and (2) the few people who ARE watching are so happy to find something decent on television to watch and so very drunk, they won’t care at all that it’s a movie they have already seen 25 times.

For this reason and because I have had too much to drink to be genuinely creative, I have decided to run a little informal contest / game here at TV Recappers Anonymous.  The winner gets . . . well . . . to be honest, the winner gets nothing, because I don’t have anything to give him or her.

However, having a contest win of any kind under your belt WILL provide you with massive “street cred” on the blogosphere, not to mention something to brag about at all your upcoming July 4th parties!

OK . . . Here’s how the game works.  Got a pen and paper handy?

Good!

I’m going to show you a YouTube video featuring 100 famous movie quotes.  As you watch the video, jot down as many movies and quote-uttering actors as you recognize.  Then, tally up your points.  You get one point for each movie you correctly identify, and one point for each actor. 

And remember NO CHEATING!  If I hear later from your friends that you paused this video and started trolling around IMDB for the answers, I am going to find out your home address, and personally mail this to it . . .

Don’t think I won’t do it, either! 

If you’d like, feel free to comment here on how many points out of the possible 200 you received.  If not, don’t worry, I won’t be insulted . . .

 .  . . well, maybe I’ll be a little insulted.  But I’ll get over it.

This would actually be a pretty cool game to play with your friends on July 4th, assuming the party you are attending is extremely lame.  Additionally, I’m pretty sure there is a way to turn this into a drinking game.  I just haven’t quite figured out how to do it yet.  (Your suggestions in that regard, of course, are welcome too.)

So, without further adieu, here are 100 famous movie quotes in under four minutes . . . Good luck!

(At some point, I MIGHT add a comment to this post that includes the “answers” to this game.  Until then, you are on the honor system.  And remember, I’ll be WATCHING YOU!)

 Happy July 4th, everyone!

Beware of the Creeper (and DON’T squeeze the grapefruits)! – A Recap of Pretty Little Liar’s “To Kill a Mocking Girl”

“Smile!  I want to take your picture!  This way, I can photocopy it 1000’s of times; wallpaper my bedroom with it; and tongue kiss your image while performing various pagan rituals in the nude.  Sound good to you?”

A few weeks back, when I started watching Pretty Little Liars, I honestly chose it because there wasn’t much else on television at the time.  I figured it would be a guilty pleasure — good for a few laughs and snarky one liners made by me, at the characters’ expense.  But, now, I am three episodes in, and all I can say is . . . WOW!  This show is WAY better than a summer replacement on the “Good Little Christian” cable network, has any right to be . . .

Did I mention it has more attractive, yet VERY creepy, men than an episode of The Bachelorette?

It’s enough to turn a straight girl, gay!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

The Blair Bitches Project

When the episode opens, the girls inexplicably decide it would be a GREAT idea to head out into the dark and creepy woods — very close to where their friend Ali very likely met her demise (assuming she’s actually dead, of course) — in order to “pay tribute to her memory.”  This is undoubtedly because these girls were all too young to have seen The Blair Witch Project.  Therefore, they have no idea just how frightening “dark and creepy woods” can be.  (Consequently, they also probably have never experienced the unique joys of “shaky cam,” or of being able to look up a crying college student’s snot-filled nose on a very big screen.)

Might I interest you in a tissue?

The girls abandon their plans, upon hearing some disturbing noises in the woods, and receiving a highly threatening message from the mysterious “A.”  A says that it is “open season on liars” and that they are “being hunted.”  (It is the sort of message that, upon receipt, a teenage girl would absolutely bring to the cops if: (1) she wasn’t starring on a TV show dependent on her NOT behaving like a logical human being; and (2) the one “cop” in town that could help wasn’t the, quite possibly INSANE, Deputy Douchey.)

“I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!  And teenage murder suspects . . .”

Hanna Goes for a Little Drive . . .

When the episode begins, Hanna wakes up to find that, once again, Deputy Douchey has spent the night in her home, and had his “grapefruits squeezed” by Hanna’s mother.  (Way to go, ABC Family!  That was a nice little euphemism for “third base” you snuck in there.  Don’t think, for a second, that the kiddies watching at home didn’t notice!) 

While I spent a good portion of last week’s recap reviling Deputy Douchey, and his one-note, mustache twirling, “Cop Gone Wrong” villiany, I must admit that he looks pretty darn good without his shirt on . . .

And his grapefruits aren’t half bad either . . .

Deputy Douchey (who, apparently, loves being shirtless so much he’d feel quite at home on an episode of True Blood) taunts Hanna, when she accuses him, in no uncertain terms, of using Hanna’s mother to get the “inside scoop” on Hanna and her friends.  After Douchey leaves the room, Hanna’s mother magically appears.  Wise Hanna explains to her mother that regularly boinking an arresting officer, just so Hanna can beat the petty shoplifting charge with which he saddled her, seems like a wee bit of an overreaction. 

Hanna’s mother explains that she just loves squeezing his grapefruits this is a “touchy subject.”  (Uh huh . . .  “the subject” is not ALL she’s touching, these days.)  While they argue, Creepy Deputy Douchey stands just out of sight, sporting a facial expression suspiciously similar to that of  THIS GUY . . .

Coincidentally, Mini Me is the pet name Deputy Douchey has for his “grapefruits.”

At school, Deputy Douchey interrogates Hanna once again.  But without the other girls as witnesses, his questions take a highly inappropriate, (bordering on sexual harrassment) tone.  He basically insinuates that Hanna MUST have killed Ali, because she used to be a little pudgy and isn’t any more.  And if weight loss isn’t a motive for murder, I don’t know what IS! 

In a surprisingly smart moment for this heretofore kind of dim-witted character, Hanna realizes that Deputy Douchey’s knowledge of her recent “transformation” comes from personal and private items he found in her home (while having his grapefruit squeezed), and not things of public record, like, for example, the school yearbook.  She calls Deputy Douchey out on this, by saying, “Is THAT how most cops crack their cases?” 

You GO, Former Fat Girl!

Later, in a surprisingly smart moment for an even DIMMER-witted character, Hanna’s mom notices Deputy Douchey snooping around Hanna’s stuff, recognizes that she is being played, and kicks him to the curb!   “SQUEEZE YOUR OWN DAMN GRAPEFRUITS, DEPUTY DOUCHEY!”

Speaking of grapefruits . . .

 . . . apparently, Hanna’s boyfriend, Sean, doesn’t want her squeezing his.  At a big keggar party, Hanna brings Sean to some “romantic” shed, straddles him, and starts to unbutton his shirt.  He rebuffs her advances, and calls her desperate.  Then, in a mind-boggling attempt at courtesy, he offers her his jacket before leaving her now-suicidal ass alone. 

To make matters worse, Hannaa gets a text message from A saying that “Hefty Hanna never gets her man.”  Is it any wonder she freaked out, stole the keys to Sean’s car, and crashed it into a tree? 

Well, actually . . . it IS kind of a wonder, because normal people just don’t react that way.  But it sure makes for great TV!

Spencer’s Sister hates Spencer’s guts, but LOVES the Russian Revolution!

Careful Spencer!  We all KNOW what happened the last time this Crazy Chica didn’t get her man . . .

When we last left our good pal, Spencer, she was swapping spit with her sister’s hot fiance, Wren, while, unbeknownst to either of them, Spencer’s sister looked on in horror.

Melissa quickly kicked Wren to the curb.  Now she is playing the guilt card for all its worth, ripping into Spencer every chance she gets, and forcing her parents to cancel all her wedding arrangements for her, because she is “too upset” to do it on her own.  But she did change her Facebook status on her own!  So THAT’s something!  (This reminds me . . . there should really be a separate status on Facebook that says:  Single . .  . because my sister is a better kisser than I am.)

Clearly having seen the One Tree Hill episodes featuring the “Crazy Nanny Carrie” storyline, Spencer knows her sister is NOT one to be messed with.  So she goes to visit Wren in hopes of squeezing his grapefruits getting him to clear her name, regarding the whole “kissing thing.”  (“He started it!”) 

Having been exhiled from La Casa de Uptight and Unfriendly, Wren is now crashing on his friend’s couch.  And he seems . . . different.  Gone are the argyle sweaters  and the too neatly combed hair.  Gone is the heavy British accent. (This actually might not have been intentional on the actor’s part.)  As a result, Wren seems to be an even better match for Spencer than he was before — younger looking and more genuine.

Wren claims he tried to help get Spencer back into her family’s good graces before he left, but to no avail.  “Perhaps my biggest mistake was falling in love with the wrong sister,” he admits. 

 Awwwww!  I was skeptical at first, but the idea of these two together has really grown on me.  I really want it to work out between them . . . even if that means a life spent living in fear of the wrath of Crazy Nanny Carrie  . . .

Later, a stressed out Spencer, who is too busy having sex dreams about Wren to write her OWN paper on the Russian Revolution, heads to her sister’s laptop and steals hers.  Mind you, her sister’s paper is SIX YEARS OLD.  She has graduated COLLEGE and yet her HIGH SCHOOL assignment is still easily accessible form her laptop. 

Now, I’m assuming that Melissa has purchased at least one new laptop between 2004 — when she wrote the paper — and now.  Because I HAD a laptop in 2004 . . . and it looked kind of like this . . .

OK . . . I’m exaggerating  . . . A LOT!  But, needless to say, Spencer’s sister’s laptop looked pretty new.  This means that she had to have LOVED her high school history paper on the Russian Revolution, SO MUCH that she took the time to transfer it over to her new computer all those years later.  Now, I’ll admit, there were one or two papers I wrote in high school that I kept around after graduation.  (There was one in particular about the way the show Dawson’s Creek dealt with loss of virginity among teens about which I was particularly fond.)  But a paper on the Russian Revolution?  COME ON!

We all know THIS little lapse of judgment is going to bite Spencer in the ass very soon.  Don’t we?

Give Me Shelter from the Slut

Speaking of Crazy Ladies, Aria’s got her hands full with quite a doozy of one, herself.  Apparently, Spencer’s father’s mistress, once a student of his, is now a teacher at the same college where he is a professor.  And her office just happens to be right across the hall from Daddy-O. 

“An apple for the teacher?  Or, perhaps, you’d prefer a squeezed grapefruit?”

To make matters worse, this mistress, named Meredith, seems intent on aggressively insinuating herself into Aria’s dad’s life, repeatedly stopping by unannounced whereever Aria’s father might happen to be at the time.  When Aria confronts Meredith, and calls her out on her stalking, Meredith DOESN’T deny it!  In fact, she basically tells Aria that it’s going to keep happening.  Furthermore, she implies that, because Aria is in high school, she can’t do anything about it. 

 Older fans of Pretty Little Liars might recognize the actress who plays Meredith, Amanda Schull, from her starring role in that very adorable dance film from a little while back, Center Stage . . .

Younger fans might remember Schull from the ABC Family Original Movie, Sorority Wars, which aired fairly recently.  In it, interestingly enough, Schull plays the nemesis of Lucy Hale, the girl who plays Aria on Pretty Little Liars.  Apparently, these two are just destined to hate one another on the small screen. 

 Infuriated by this recent turn of events, and by the fact that her mother continues to be kept in the dark about her father’s affair, Aria dashes off to Mr. Ezra Fitz’s apartment (How did she know where he lived?).  In a very sweet, and surprisingly chaste moment, the pair simply stand in silence, and hug one another close.  Aria cries silently, her head buried in Ezra’s chest, as he gently strokes her hair.  (And I am sighing, and getting all girly for the SECOND time, since this episode has begun.  What are you doing to ME, Pretty Little Liars?)

Emily, Two Psychos, and a Probable Lesbian = The Most Intense Love Square EVER!

“DUDE!  Ease up on the vulcan death grip, and I MIGHT let you watch me and Maya make grapefruit juice together . . . emphasis on MIGHT.”

Emily’s storyline was by far the most intense of the evening.  It started innocently enough, with more flirtation, touching and sexual innunedo exchanged between her and Miss “I Have a Boyfriend Back Home” Maya.  When her boyfriend, Ben, invites her to a “parent-free” party, Emily nonchalantly asks Maya to come with.  Ben is obviously annoyed by the invitation, but SEEMS to brush it off (emphasis on “seems”). 

To further complicate matters, Emily keeps getting intense looks from Toby Cavanaugh, older brother to the now-blind Jenna.  Toby was shipped off to boarding school the year before, for setting fire to the Cavanaugh garage, which, if you recall . . .

 . . . Ali did, not him. 

Spencer remembers Toby and Ali having a heated conversation, which implied that Ali had some very detrimental dirt on Toby.  After his conversation with Ali, Toby took the rap for setting the garage fire, even though it seems like he knows that it was the girls who did it.  Toby (pictured up top)  is actually kind of cute, in a “Norman Bates from Psycho” sort of way . . .

Come to think of it, Toby WAS hiding near the SHOWERS during this next scene . . . hmmm.

Later, in the girls locker room, after having taken a shower, Emily hears a noise, and is surprised to find her boyfriend, Ben, there.  In a disturbing, and seemingly out-of-character scene, Ben pushes Emily up against the locker and forces himself on her, ignoring her repeated cries of “NO!”

Out of the shower nowhere, Toby Cavanaugh comes and pushes Bad Beater Boyfriend Ben out of the way, clocking him hard in the nose.  A highly freaked out Emily extricates herself from the brawl and escapes, quickly dumping Ben on her way out.   

Later, at the keg party, a newly single, Emily arrives with Maya as her “date.”  The two enter into a photo booth (Riiiiiight!  Because every kid who throws a party when his parents are out of town, takes the time to rent a “photo booth” for the event . . . paid for with his parent’s credit card, of course.)

One thing leads to another, and, before you know it, these two are making out hard core, while the photo machine just snaps away.  While the pair is still inside, SOMEONE snatches the photographic kissing evidence . . . But who could it be?

Later that night, on her way home, Emily finds Creepy Toby Cavanaugh playing with an old-fashioned camera.  She thanks him from saving her from Bad Beater Boyfriend  Ex-Boyfriend Ben.  Toby says little, but is clearly crushing on our girl, Emily.  Later, blind Jenna, who overheard the exchange, DEMANDS that Toby explain why Emily thanked him.  “It’s not what you THINK!”  Toby insists.

Is it though?  The next scene shows a disembodied hand photocopying Emily’s and Maya’s purloined makeout pictures and plastering them all over his or her entire wall.  Could the wall belong to Toby?

Did I mention that “Dead” Ali’s bracelet has mysteriously appeared in the woods, since the last time the girls visited . . . even though Ali was purportedly buried with it?

Ooh!  This is getting good . . .