Tag Archives: Puck and Santana

Puck-er Up! It’s Valentine’s Day! – A Recap of Glee’s “Silly Love Songs”

Ahhhhh, February 14th!  It’s that time of year when hearts go a-flutter, and boys’ bank accounts go a-bust.   On this day, all convenient stores, as a rule, must look like they’ve been vomited on by Love Bunnies; and every television channel suddenly resembles Lifetime, Hallmark, or Oxygen.  It’s the day when I always eat too many of those, let’s face it, REALLY NASTY, Conversation Hearts, and am rewarded for doing so, with Massive Tummy Trouble.  It’s a time of hope, a time of anticipation, a time of  . . . intense nausea. 

Of course, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day . . . or, as I like to call it, Singles Awareness Day . . .

But don’t let the cynicism of the above paragraph fool you.  Because, beneath my snarky bluster, and rough exterior, lies a Deep Dark Secret.  And here it is:  I have a real soft spot in my heart for the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey, mushy-gushy, sappy sweetness, of Valentine’s Day-themed television episodes.   And, for this reason, I ADORED Glee’s most recent  installment, “Silly Love Songs” (also . . . Puck was in it A LOT, which is always a good thing, in my book).

Be my Valentine, you Crazy Mohawk Man, YOU!

So, what are we waiting for Gleeks, let’s get SAPPY!

Puck Spells Woman “Z-I-Z-E-S” (and I spell CRAZY, “P-U-C-K”)

“I know I’m supposed to be staring at Lauren Zizes.  But, deep down, I can’t stop thinking about a certain TV Recapper . . .”

OK, Confession Time!  So, earlier this week, in response to a comment someone left me on my recap of the Glee Superbowl Extravaganza Episode, I MAY have noted that I love Puck as a character SO MUCH that I’d be willing to see him couple with any castmember, provided that doing so allotted him the increased screentime he so richly deserves.  ANYONE . . . I said . . . EXCEPT LAUREN ZIZES . . .

Do you ever get the feeling that your favorite television shows are MOCKING you?

When the episode begins, our resident Bad Boy, Puck, is all piney over a certain Full-Figured Woman, with whom he spent LESS than Seven Minutes in Heaven, swapping spit in a closet somewhere, pre-hiatus . . .

No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes.

Having decided that Lauren is precisely the dessert he wants to enjoy, after his Valentine’s Day Dinner No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes he decides to court his lady love, by giving her a Box of Chocolates No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, and proposing to her with a RING POP You’re KILLING ME HERE, Puck!

“This is a Promise Ring Pop.  It represents the Duration of Our Love.  I’m yours, until the last lick.  Because Diamonds may be Forever, but Artificial Flavoring tastes better . . .”

To Puck’s advances, Lauren typically responds by spouting out REALLY ANNOYING lines from rap and R&B songs of the late 90’s and early 00’s.  Some of these “gems” include, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” and “you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself,” and “you best, stand corrected.”  Honestly, the whole time I was watching, I kept waiting for her to whip out a line from Sir Mix A-lot’s CLASSIC Rump Shaker, “I Like Big Butts.”  Unfortunately, she never did . . .

Excellent Opportunity for Hilarity = Wasted

But Lauren’s increasingly rude rejections of the Puckster only served to fuel the Righteous Flames of Love burning in his pants (Then again, maybe that was just his STD talking.).  So, when Mr. Schuester invited the Glee kids to perform songs that embodied their feelings about love, Puck surprised EVERYONE by rocking out to Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls

“Left alone with Big Fat Fatty.  She was such a Naughty Natty.  That Big Woman made a Bad Boy out me,” Puck crooned, so VERY inappropriately, as he did this move with his crotch that I can only liken to the movement one makes when riding one of those quarter-operated Electric Horses you find outside your local Super Market . . .

You GO Puck!  RIDE THAT PONY!  (And no, I intend that as a Fat Joke . . .)

You can check out ALL of Puck’s X-rated moves, by clicking on the internal link below . . .

“I’ve never been serenaded before . . . and it made me feel like crap,” Lauren pouts.

You know who else was feeling like crap after Puck’s song?  ME!  Santana!  After all, she’d paid many a quarter to ride Puck.  And yet, she seems to be the ONLY Glee girl that he’s never serenaded.  Hey, remember when Puck decided he “loved” Rachel and sang “Sweet Caroline” to her, because Neil Diamond is Jewish, and so is she?

How about when Puck sang “Beth” to Quinn, because that’s what he thought she should name her daughter, to whom he was the Baby Daddy?

Or when he sang that Sammy Davis Jr. song to Mercedes because .  . . Do I really have to go there?

Well, apparently, Santana remembered ALL OF THESE MOMENTS, and the fact that she wasn’t involved in any of them, made her feel mighty unloved . . .

So, she buys herself some jewelry from Jared, and tries to slap Puck with the receipt. 

(Nice product placement there.  But wouldn’t it have been better if we  . . . I don’t know . . . actually saw the jewelry?)

But Puck’s not biting, because there is only room in his heart for one BIG woman.  So, he rejects Santana’s pint-sized patootie, in favor of something a bit more.  . . meaty.  Unfortunately, for Santana, her day is about to get about TEN TIMES worse.  As luck would have it, Lauren arrives on the scene, just as Santana is calling her a White Whale.  And, let’s just say, Fat Bottomed Girl is NOT PLEASED!

Santana talks a good game about being from the “mean streets” of Lima Heights Adjacent.  But those of us who watched the Britney / Brittany episode know she’s really a doctor’s daughter, who is able to afford boob implants, and $1000 hair extensions.  So, of course, Wrestler Lauren knocks the silicone right out of her.  Watching this makes Puck practically orgasm with excitement.  So, he BEGS Lauren to go with him to Olive Garden Breadsticks, which is apparently the ONLY RESTAURANT IN TOWN, the night before Valentine’s Day.

But Lauren actually has the gall to STAND HIM UP!

B*TCH IS CRAZY!

So, Puck makes out with a Random Chick, which makes me kind of happy, because I too, am a Random Chick . . .

Just when it seems as though all hope is lost for this Head Scratching Mind Boggling Completely Bizarre Adorable Couple (YIPPEE!  Make it stop!  Make it stop!), the next day, Lauren FINALLY agrees to go out with Puck to . . . you guessed it Breadsticks again, provided he agrees to take their relationship slow.  (A part of me just died, typing that sentence.)

And in that moment, all of my hopes to become a random extra on Glee, and get to make out with Mark Salling/Puck in the Olive Garden “Breadsticks” parking lot were irreparably shattered . . .

But, hey, at least there’s still a shot at me kissing Finn (Why not?  He kisses EVERYBODY ELSE!) . . . once the Mono goes away, that is!

Quinn and Sam = Finn-ished?

“Oh, come on!  Don’t dump me NOW!  Aren’t you the least bit curious, what would happen if Barbie and Ken procreated?  Our babies would be heralded by science, as the blondest, most blandly perfect looking infants on the planet!”

If you watched the Glee Super Bowl Extravaganza Episode, you know that Finn and Quinn played tonsil hockey, with one another, during its final moments.  Well, this week’s episode finds Finn wanting a rematch . . .

Operation Get into Quinn Febray’s Panties is A GO!

So, Finn comes up with the incredibly douchey very generous idea of running a Kissing Booth, where people pay a dollar to suck his face for five seconds.  (Ladies, buy gum, instead . . . it’s cheaper, and longer lasting.)  Proceeds from the lip locks will go toward the Glee Club budget.  Way to take one for the TEAM, Finn!

Our favorite (and by “favorite” I mean “only”) New Directions star / McKinley High Quarterback figures that do-gooder Quinn won’t be able to resist kissing him for a Good Cause.  And then, once she’s tasted those Dorito-covered lips of his, she’ll no longer be able to resist his social awkward bumbling personality intense charms.

But Quinn REFUSES to kiss Finn.  And she tells him as much, when she visits him at the kissing booth.  And yet, the hardcore eye f*&king she gives him, while she’s saying this tells a different story entirely . . .

Needless to say, Quinn’s Macauley Culkin Doppelganger Boyfriend, does not take this well . . .

Sam really showcases his “massive intelligence,” by convincing his girlfriend to KISS Finn, in order to prove that she isn’t attracted to him. 

“I’m CRAP with the ladies, and even I know that’s a TERRIBLE idea!”

“I’m pretty, but I ain’t dumb,” Sam insists, by way of explanation.  (I hate to break this to you Sam, but “dumb” is precisely what you are.)

Don’t feel bad, Sam.  Stupid people get the best lines on this show!”

So, while Sam watches intently (because THAT’s not creepy at all), Finn and Quinn lock lips a second time . . .

Only, THIS TIME, this happens . . .

Thrilled by the prospect of Another Opportunity to Cheat on a Boyfriend Harlot Barbie makes plans to meet Finn in the auditorium the following evening. 

But things take a dark turn for these two naughty humans, when Santana notices that something is going on between them . . .

“Finn only gets that Gassy Infant Look, when he’s feeling guilty about something,” Santana notes astutely . . .

Source

Noticing that Quinn is also looking particularly gassy today, Santana eventually puts two and two together, and decides that the Happy Pair are having an affair.  So, what’s an Evil Temptress, who’s just been rejected by Puck, and called a Raging B*tch by her entire class, to do?  This sounds like a job for . . .

The Slutty Pedophile Candy Striper from Outer Space!

 So, Santana, who’s supernaturally whorish charms have apparently earned her some bizarro immunity to mononucleosis, “I’ve had Mono so many times, I’ve turned it into stereo,” heads to the local Elementary School in search of Man Meat.  She then quickly (and conveniently) finds a prepubescent Mono sufferer, aggressively ambushes him, and shoves her tongue down his throat . . .

I’m pretty sure this is illegal in about 15 states.  Little Stewie Woodcock doesn’t seem to mind too much, however.

Did you ever see the movie Species, where Natasha Hendstridge plays this sexpot alien who lures men into her bed, starts screwing them, and then, at the last moment, totally ALIENS OUT, and rips their bodies to shreds?  Well, that’s kind of the feeling I got watching Santana “work her magic” during this episode.  Evil Ho Bag then attacks Finn with her germy tongue at the kissing booth, and her work here is done.

Now, all she has to do is wait for Finn and Quinn to have their little rendezvous . . .

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

The very next day, since Santana’s alien Mono-Spreading Powers apparently also speed up the victim’s display of symptoms, both Finn and Quinn are wearing A LOT of pasty white face makeup looking and feeling extremely ill . . .

Santana helpfully explains that both of their symptoms seem suspiciously similar to Mono, something you get from TONGUE KISSING . . .

Sorry Sam!

(By the way, those of you who ended off this episode, feeling sorry for Sam, can take heart.  Something tells me he won’t be alone for long .  . .

Source

. . . me thinks our main man, Macauley, has some serious Mono / Stereo in his future.  Way to go, Samtana!)

While lying in the nurse’s office together, Quinn wisely notes to Finn that the last time she cheated on her boyfriend (which was FINN, by the way) she got knocked up, and this time, she got Mono.  Perhaps, the Universe is trying to tell her something ( . . . like that Harlot Barbie will be discontinued by Mattel, if she doesn’t straighten up, and fly right).  But Finn doesn’t care how slutty and tempermental Quinn is,  he wants to bang her ANYWAY!

“Pssst . . . the nurse won’t be back for another twenty minutes.  What do you say, we push these two cots together, and try to get you pregnant?  You can tell Sam it’s his . . . wait . . . why does this so sound so familiar to me?”

Quinn, however, refuses to make monkey with Finn, until she figures out her true feelings Macauley Culkin (She loved Home Alone, but hated Home Alone 2.  Quite the conundrum!), and HE figures out his feelings for Rachel.

Speaking of Rachel . . .

Rachel Sings a Love Song . . . to Herself (Then again, isn’t that what ALL her solos are?)

“Will YOU be my Valentine, hairbrush?”

Poor Rachel!  She’s been hung up on Finn since he dumped her ass on Christmas for hooking up with Puck.  This would be fine, if she ACTUALLY got to hook up with Puck.  However, Puck had to go and grow a conscience on her.  Leaving our poor heroine, both alone, and UNLAID. 

“What’s a girl to do?”

Nothing if not creative (She says, sarcastically), Rachel’s big plan for winning back Finn’s heart is . . . wait for it . . . to KISS HIM AT THE KISSING BOOTH.  You know, like EVERY OTHER GIRL IN SCHOOL.  Unfortunately, when Rachel does finally make it to the booth, dollar in hand, Finn greets her with . . . a peck on the cheek . . .

“W . . . T .  . .F!”

When Rachel confronts Finn about his cheeky ways, he offers her the Gold S tarnecklace he planned to give her during Christmas, conveniently advising her that she should stay single until he gets bored with Quinn and decides he wants her again, because she is such a STAR, that being saddled to a lame-o high school boy (like him) might weigh her down.  

“You need to shine.  Just because I can’t be with you because I’m boning Quinn, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you,” Finn said sweetly.

It was a good line, one that I might have found touching, if it wasn’t coming out of the mouth of such a Hypocritical Douchebag . . .

Douchey-ness aside, Rachel is at Sick Finn’s bedside, while the Poor Boy suffers from Santana’s Supernatural Mono strain . . .

Rachel blathers on a bit about how much prettier Quinn is than her.  (Umm, honey, you’re both on TV, so stop pretending your not hot, K?)  She then asks Finn what kissing Quinn was like.  He tells her it made him see Fireworks.  (Asshat!  Why the f*&k did he have to tell her that?)

“Did you see fireworks, when you kissed me?”  Inquires the Glutton for Punishment.

LIE FINN!  LIE!  SHE CLEARLY WANTS YOU TO LIE!

Finn almost imperceptibly shakes his head.

YOU SLIMY BASTARD!

Rachel responds to Finn’s announcement, by thanking him for not giving HER Mono too.  You see now that she has no other options, Rachel realizes that being single is the best way for her to focus on her path toward Super Stardom.  To emphasize this New Discovery, Rachel chooses Katy Perry’s “Firework” as her lovesong . . . to herself.

You can watch Rachel sing about how badly she wants to tongue kiss herself, by clicking the internal link below . . .

Meanwhile, over at Dalton Academy . . .

Jeremiah Was a Bull Frog.  (i.e. The Best GAP ad EVER!)

Kurt and Blaine are stepping out together for a little coffee break.  Blaine tells Kurt he’s a card-carrying member of the I Heart Valentine’s Day Club.  As it turns out, Kurt’s not a big fan of V-day.  But he’s a HUGE of Blaine, particularly when Kurt realizes that Blaine knows how he takes his coffee and what his favorite sexual positions are.  When Blaine makes mention of wanting to show his newest Man Crush his true feelings, Kurt immediately becomes certain that Blaine is referring to HIM.  (Those of us, who saw the advance release clips from this episode, however, knew the Poor Guy was DEAD WRONG!)

Back at school, Blaine tries to convince his fellow Hogwarts Wizards to (gasp) leave the school grounds on a Romantic Pilgrimage to the Gap.  The Warblers are understandably horrified by his request . . .

“We are not safe in the outer world!  What if Lord Voldemort finds us?”

Fortunately for Blaine, Kurt ultimately convinces the Warblers to “step outside their comfort zone,” using one of his “When I was a New Directions Gleek” stories that I am SURE his fellow acafellas are forced to listen to EVERY SINGLE DAY.

“This one time . . . at Glee Club . . . I stuck a flute up my . . .”

And yet, when Kurt realizes that Blaine was NOT in fact, planning to sing to him, but, rather to some GAP manager named Jeremiah, he can’t help but wish he wasn’t so gosh darn persuasive.  Nevertheless, thanks to a Sweet Slumber Party, some hair braiding, and a whole lot of  SERIOUS Girl Talk with Gal Pals Mercedes and Rachel, Kurt ultimately decides to “be a man” and, be there to support Blaine, during his Mall Serenade . . .

Here comes my FAVORITE musical number of the evening!  Now, those of you who read my Superbowl Recap may recall that I was a bit harsh on Blaine and the Warblers, due to their awkwardly robotic dancing, and inability to let anyone sing solo, aside from “Junior Member” Blaine.  All those problems still existed, during Blaine’s rendition of Robin Thicke’s “When I Get You Alone.”  And yet, for whatever reason, all these negatives combined to make what I felt was a TRULY entertaining, foot-tapping, finger snapping music number!

Poor Jeremiah!  If the Warblers are Hogwarts wizards, he’s most definitely the Draco Malfoy of this situation.

A Brief Note to the GAP:  This musical number would be the BEST COMMERCIAL YOU’VE EVER HAD!  Heck the Warblers even modeled your merchandise for you, during the song!

Now, why the heck aren’t they selling those awesome pink sunglasses at MY GAP?

You can check out all the performance, in all its fabulousness, here:

Now, as much as I love “When I Get You Alone,” (The song actually remains one of my all-time favorites), in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best choice for a Declaration of Love Anthem.  For one thing, there’s a definite predatory, and almost frighteningly ANGRY, stalkerish aspect to the lyrics.  (“Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty, because you MAKE ME SICK, and I’m NOT LEAVING, ’til YOUR LEAVING!”)  And don’t even get me started on the song’s Horror Movie-esque opening notes.  (“Bum-bum, bum, BUMMMM!  Bum-bum, bum, BUMMM!”)

“You do know that if you don’t have sex with Blaine, we are going to beat you to a pulp, tie you up, and shove you in the bathroom of our tourbus, don’t you?”

Talk about a SERIOUS LETDOWN, after his award winning musical performance, Blaine is shocked to learn that the Object of his Affections (1) got fired because of him; (2) isn’t “out” to his coworkers (Telltale Gay Hair, notwithstanding); and (3) doesn’t like him in that way, especially because he’s underage.

“You know, there’s another GAP a few miles from here.  Think anyone gay works THERE?”

Finally, toward the end of the episode, Kurt confronts Blaine about the sort of mixed signals he’s been sending out, resulting in Kurt thinking that HE was the object of Blaine’s desires, NOT Jeremiah the Bullfrog.  Blaine apologizes, and the pair commiserate over how inexperienced and bad at romance they both are.  They decide to take things slow, and stay friends for now, in order to preserve the strong bonds of friendship the pair has forged, during the short time they’ve known one another. 

“We can be like When Harry Met Sally . . . only I get to be Meg Ryan,” Kurt notes cheerily.

“I can see a resemblance.  Don’t you?”

Didn’t those two end up together in the end?” Blaine inquires cautiously.

Oh, Kurt . . . you Sly Dog, you!

Artie and Mike Chang are Friends (with Benefits?)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE ME some Michael Jackson.  And P.Y.T., though a tad lecherous, in terms of it’s theme, was a fun little ditty for Artie to croon.  It was also an excellent showcase for Harry Shum Jr. (who plays Mike’s) very M.J. esque dance movies.  And yet, did anyone else, at least at the beginning of the musical number get the impression that these two dudes were singing the love song to EACHOTHER, as opposed to their Lady Loves?

Ummmmm . . .

TINA:  “I think our boyfriends are about to make out with eachother.”

BRITTANY:  “That’s SO HOT!”

(Yeah, I couldn’t find a clip of this one.  So, you’ll just have to take my word for it.)

Tears of a Clown

Have you ever loved someone so much, the mere thought of being with them evoked tears of joy?  No?  Me neither, which was why Tina’s cringeworthy blubbery rendition of “My Funny Valentine” was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes I’ve ever spent in front of my television screen . . .

Please, lord, make it stop!

But as awkward as I felt during this scene, it doesn’t even compare to how MIKE CHANG must have felt!

Just keep smiling . . . just keep smiling . . . Don’t let her know she’s crazy or she will KILL YOU.

The episode concludes with Kurt gathering the whole Glee crew together at . . . wait for it . . . Breadsticks (where ELSE?) for a meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club.

After a brief speech about love and singledom, Kurt introduces the Warblers (Woah, TWO off campus outings in ONE EPISODE?  Way to live dangerously boys?).  The group, led by Blaine (SURPRISE!) serenade the crowd with their rendition of the titular song “Silly Loves Songs.”

And that was more or less the episode, in a nutshell.  Did you like it?  Would you accept it as YOUR Valentine?  Or would you prefer to throw it back in the sender’s face, like Lauren Zizes did with Puck’s sucky chocolates?

[www.juliekushner.com]

15 Comments

Filed under Glee

It’s a Nice Day for a Blue Tracksuit Dress Wedding! – A Recap of Glee’s “Furt”

Is it just me, or would Sue’s “wedding dress” look fabulous with a pair of those sneakers Steve Martin made for his daughter in that “Father of the Bride” movie?

 

Do you LOVE weddings?  Does the mere sight of taffeta and lace make you go gooey?  Do you weep with joy, every time you receive a calligraphy-adorned envelope in the mail, with your name on it?  If so, this was the Glee episode for YOU!  After all, this week’s installment of Glee offered not one, but TWO weddings!

Despite the episode’s title suggesting otherwise, Kurt and Finn didn’t actually marry one another, during Furt 😦 . . .  

Well . . . actually .  . . one wedding, and one rehearsal.  But still, you’ve got to admit, that’s a whole lot of HOLY NUPTIAL for a single hour of television!

As for those of you who HATE weddings . . . well, at least you got to watch a couple of guys beat the crap out of one another . . .

I mean, that’s gotta count for something, right?

And so, without further adieu, what do you say we strap on those high heels, pick up that bouquet, and get ready for that long slow saunter down the aisle?  (But since it’s a Glee Wedding, that “long slow saunter” will be more like a cheesy skip-hop, performed while waving streamers in the air, to the tune of a Bruno Mars song.)

Wheeeeeeeee!

An Indecent Proposal

“Ohhhh, Indecent!  Sounds kinky!”‘

Question:  What is the LEAST romantic location for a marriage proposal? 

If you answered in a high school classroom that reeks of chalk and body odor, you are clearly not part of the Hummel family!  The episode begins with Kurt’s Super-Adorable-I-Just-Want-To-Pinch-His-Cheeks-Every-Time-He’s-On-Screen Daddy, and Finn’s Ridculously Sweet Mommy invading McKinley High.

 (Is there no security at McKinley High?  So, basically, anybody could just waltz into this school, without so much as a “full body scan” or a groin-groping pat down?)

Principal Sylvester FAIL!

Anyway, Happy Couple, Burt and Carol, arrive at school to share some good news with Kurt and Finn.  Apparently, Burt just proposed to Carol in the SAME SCHOOL CLASSROOM WHERE THEY FIRST MET!  How lame romantic!  As luck would have it, the duo need to be married by the end of the week.  (Did anybody else get a whiff of Shotgun Wedding from this scene?  Because I did!)

Mini Kurt: Coming Soon to a Glee near you?

Since Burt has already spent  his life savings satisfying Kurt’s endless requests for Barbara Streisand tickets and designer hats, the couple wants to “save their money for  the honeymoon,” Burt and Carol cannot afford a wedding planner or a real band.  And, so, they hire the next best things . . .

Wedding Planner Kurt . . .

and . . .

Wedding Band, New Directions.

Upon hearing  that he has been given the opportunity to create the Poor Person’s Version of Wedding of his Childhood Dreams, Kurt becomes so ecstatic, that he stops spitting out little pink purses every time he speaks . . .

 . . . and starts puking veils, rings, and something blue?

Marital Masturbation?

There is a difference between “loving yourself,” and “LOVING YOURSELF,” if you catch my drift  . . .

When we first see Sue, she has just learned that her ex-boyfriend, Smarmy News Anchor, Rod Randall, is going to marry his Prissy-80’s hair wearing co-anchor.  “You are going to die alone,” 80’s Hair sweetly tells Sue.

 

80’s Hair’s comment about the prospect of Sue dying alone clearly impacts the Cheerios’ coach.  And so, our favorite track-suit wearing diva decides to take action . . . by doing something that will ABSOLUTELY ensure that her rival’s prediction will come true.  (Hey, if you can’t beat em,’ join em’ right?).  Sue makes a proposal of marriage to the ONLY person genetically capable of putting up with her unique brand of Crazy.  HERSELF!

Like Burt and Carol before her, Sue seems to be in a major rush to get herself to the altar.  Invitations are hastily drafted, and sent out into the world . . .

One of those invitations goes to Sue’s mother, a woman named Doris, who looks suspiciously like Carol Burnett.

The resemblance is uncanny . . .

Apparently, Doris has been so busy “Nazi” hunting, that she hasn’t had time to do insignificant little things like . . . oh . . .  raising her two daughters.  And so, because this is Glee, Mama Sylvester does what every cast member on this show does, when they want to justify being an MAJOR A**hole to the people around them  . . . she sings about it. 

The only difference is that, rather than sing a cool song, Mama Sylvester sings a lame one entitled  “Ohio,” with Sue chiming in for the two-part harmony. Personally,  I would have preferred something a little snappier like “Mama Mia,” or “Mama, I’m Coming Home,” or “She’s a Bad Mama Jama,” or “Mama Said Knock You Out,” or . . . well . . . any song aside from “Ohio.”  But, hey, you can’t get everything you want in this world, right?

At the “wedding rehearsal,” a very unsupportive Doris says so many AWFUL things about Sue, and her life choices, that Sue actually ends up disinviting her from the wedding!  Now Sue will not only be the bride, groom, and officiant at her own wedding, she will also have to be the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE!  Gee, I wonder who’s going to end up catching the bouquet?  Sue?  Sue?  Or Sue?

This is Sue Sylvester’s world.  The rest of us are just living in it . . .

Well, Bully for YOU!

Sue wasn’t the only cast member coping with a MAJOR A**hole this week.  Kurt barely had time to rejoice over the fact that he was FINALLY, after 16 long years, going to get to be . . .

 . . . when that Mean Ole Bastard, Karofsky, is all up in his grill, and snatching his bride and groom cake toppers right out of his hand, just because he can.

Will, who witnesses the Great Cake Topper Massacre firsthand, accompanies a clearly traumatized Kurt to Principal Sue’s office, where she does a surprisingly good job playing the role of school administrator.

I KNOW!  Crazy, right?

As it turns out, Sue, was also bullied quite a bit, back when she was in high school.  So, she is surprisingly sympathetic to Kurt’s plight.  And yet without proof that Karofsky has committed any actual physical violence to Kurt (beyond just pushing him into a locker and raping his face, with gross slobbery Neanderthal kisses), Sue’s hands are tied.  However, the new principal promises Kurt that the minute Karofsky lays a hand on Kurt, or anyone else at the school, for that matter,, he will be immediately expelled. 

On the way out of the meeting, Kurt callls issue with Sue’s repeated insistence on calling him “lady.”  “That’s bullying too,” Kurt explains matter-of-factly.

“A Bully?  Moi?”

 “As an apology, I’ll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain or Tickle-Me-Doughface,” Sue concedes. 

(Yeah, I didn’t know what the f*ck a Gelfling was either.  But, according to Google images, they look like this . . .)

Kurt ultimately decides to go with Porcelain.  Although I, like Sue, would have much preferred “Tickle-Me Doughface.”

Clearly, Tickle Me Elmo agrees .  . .

Behind Every Great Man there’s an Even Greater (and sometimes much more annoying) Woman . . .

Upon hearing about the HORROR that was Great Cake Topper Massacre, Rachel commandeers Quinn, Brittany, and Tina to help Kurt.  “All of us have boyfriends on the football team,” Rachel explains.

Wait . . . Mike Chang is on the football team?  Brittany is ACTUALLY dating Artie?  How did I not know ANY of this?

Rachel’s master plan is for the girls to deny their “boyfriends” sex, until they agree to beat up Karofsky on Kurt’s behalf.  The only problem is that Rachel doesn’t put out.  So, her boyfriend, Finn, sits back and gets his toenails done while, “Rising Star of Popularity” Sam, along with Mike and Artie, do the dirty work, in the coolest, most disturbing, and unintentionally hilarious Boys Locker Room Fight Scene Ever!

Mike (apparently he IS on the football team!) Chang and Artie are up first.  They defend Kurt’s honor, by exchanging constipated facial expressions with Karofsky.  But then Karofsky PUSHES OVER ARTIE’S WHEELCHAIR!

OK .  . . now that’s just friggin EVIL!

So, in steps Alpha Male Macaulay Culkin Sam to SAVE THE DAY, by kicking Karofsky’s closeted ASS!

Oh, don’t worry, Macauley!  Your doppelganger is OK.  He just got a black eye.

And besides, Quinn found out what Sam did for Kurt, and she’s actually wearing his promise ring now . . .

You know what that means, don’t you?  Sam is TOTALLY going to get laid NOW!

EXPULSION!

Burt Hummel is at the school again (see what I mean about the lack of security!), taking wedding dance lessons from Kurt and Terrible Dancer Finn, when Karofsky pops by and “limp wrists” Kurt.  Burt sees this happen, and quickly figures out that Kurt is being bullied by this D-bag.  So, Burt PUSHES KAROFSKY INTO A LOCKER AND THREATENS TO BEAT THE STUFFING OUT OF HIM!

Then, Karofsky’s dad, Doc Arzt from Lost I thought he died in a plane crash! is called to the school to explain his son’s bullying ways.

“The smoke monster made him do it.”

Arzt admits that Karofsky’s been acting out a bit of late.  And when Sue expels the Douche for terrorizing Kurt and BEATING UP ON POOR ARTIE, Arzt seems to accept his son’s fate, at least at first . . .

“Marry YOU!”

Burt and Carol’s nuptials had EVERYTHING a Wedding Fangirl could ask for:  tear-jerking speeches, dancing, glitz and glam – THE WORKS! 

The wedding featured not one .  . . not two . . . but THREE musical numbers!  The first was a dance down the aisle to the Glee kids cover of “Marry You.”  The cover, though admittedly cheesy (I could have done without the bad down-the-aisle YouTube video inspired dancing and the streamers), was pretty awesome! 

Next came Will Schuester’s cover of Michael Buble’s version of that classic pre-sex song, “Sway.”  Although, it wasn’t the best version of the song I’ve seen, how could you not LOVE the image of a Pre-Sex Schuester?

But it was the third song that REALLY put the icing on the Wedding Cake that was this episode.  In it, Finn pays tribute to his new brother, Kurt.  In doing so, he officially forms the new holy union of “Furt” — a union that will hereby join the “Power Couple” ranks of Finchel, Puckleberry, Squinn, Mina, Bartie, and whatever other random couple Glee decides to make up in the future! 

 “No one has showed me, as much as you, what it means to be a man.  From now on, I’ve got your back,”  explains a teary-eyed Finn.  It’s about damn time, You Lazy Stepbrother, YOU!  Finn then breaks into yet another Bruno Mars hit.  This one is the super sweet, “Just the Way You Are.”

Speaking of Finn, did I mention he loves Rachel too much to tell her he actually DID have sex with Santana, while the pair was on a break — even though doing so might make him more popular?

Oh yeah, that decision is going to TOTALLY end up biting him in the ass later . . .

Kurt abandons McKinley, heads to Hogwarts Dalton

Back at school, Kurt is about to receive some bad news from Principal Sue.  As it turns out, the school board dismissed her decision to expel Karofsky.  (She has resigned in protest.  Welcome back, Principal Figgins.)

“Come on!  Don’t act surprised!  You guys knew it was only a matter of time . . . I’m still on contract with Glee for 8 more episodes!”

But with Karofsky still at the school, ready to terrorize Kurt at a moments notice , Kurt no longer feels safe at McKinley.  And so, conveniently, just in time for next week’s Sectionals Extravaganza.  Kurt’s Pa and Step Ma use all their “Honeymoon Money” That must have been one HUGE HONEYMOON they were planning, because private schools are FRIGGIN EXPENSIVE  to transfer Kurt to a school, where there is a No Tolerance Against Bullying Policy — a school where boys don’t use their fist; they proudly sing, prance, and play with wands . . . Hogwarts School of Wizardry Dalton Academy!

Killing Voldemort, one show tune at a time . . .

(Note: Kurt STILL hasn’t outed Karofsky for kissing him, which he REALLY SHOULD, especially since he isn’t planning on returning to the school.   It would serve that closeted Asshat RIGHT!)

You know what this means, don’t you?  Kurt is going to be a Dalton Academy WARBLER!  And the Warbler’s are AGAINST New Directions at sectionals!

Be afraid, fellow Gleeks!  Be VERY AFRAID!

[www.juliekushner.com]

7 Comments

Filed under Glee