Blaine-y are you OK? Are you OK, Blaine-y? – A Recap of Glee’s “Michael”

BLAINE:  “Ummmm . . .  Kurt, what are you doing?”

KURT: “I’m taking your pulse, to make sure that evil slushie didn’t kill you.”

BLAINE: “Last time I checked, I didn’t have a pulse in my ass . . .” 

Greetings, fellow Gleeks!  This week, Glee paid homage to the King of Pop, through a series of MJ-inspired ballads and dance numbers.  Also this week, we experienced our first-ever slushie maiming, three college acceptance announcements (I’m sorry . . . one acceptance . . . two “finalists.”), two couples’ reunion-via-duet, and one Crazy Cellist War.  So, gulp down your Rock Salt Slushie, slap a tape recorder onto your under boob, grab your crotch, and yell, “HEE-HEEEE,” because it’s time for another Gleecap . . .

Because the school library is the absolute best place to spontaneously break out in song

Santana and the rest of the Troubletones are talking about how bummed out they are that, unlike the rest of their New Directions buddies, they never got to perform a Michael Jackson song for a crowd.  So, Blaine, the kind soul that he is, decides to make it up to them, by singing MJ’s classic “Wanna Be Startin’ Something,” mainly by himself, while the rest of the gang dances around him, and sings backup.  (Hmmm . . . correct me if I’m wrong here, but wasn’t THIS precisely why the Troubletones defected from the New Directions in the first place . . . because they were ALWAYS singing backup to the likes of folks like Rachel and Blaine?)

Nice going, Mr. Sexy Pants!

Anyway, Blaine takes his little crotch-grabbing conga line through the library, where he picks up the rest of the Glee kids en route to the auditorium.  There things get super cutesy, with the name “Michael” in lights, magically appearing on stage behind them, and every Glee kid clad in iconic Michael Jackson wear, from various periods in his life.

By now we’ve seen Glee do the whole “fashion tribute” thing, a few times during it’s “artist themed” episodes.  But I think it works particularly well here, because Michael Jackson was surprisingly fashion iconic for a dude.  He’s also been a mainstay in the music world for roughly forty years.  So, these costumes function as a sort of history lesson for some of us, and a trip down memory lane, for others . . .

Source

In fact, dare I say it, but I almost found the costumes in this musical number more memorable than the performance itself?  Check it out . .  .

Sexy Blaine is “too high to get over” and “too low to get under.”  So, it looks like we are going to have to *clears throat* go right through him, if you catch my drift  . . .

The Ring 4 – A Horror Love Story

Source

Oh dear, sweet, NAIVE, Finchel!  Last week, we found our stalwart Finn Hudson in a bit of a teen-life crisis.  Everything he thought he knew and loved about his life, was in danger of slipping through his fingers.  The FUTURE was looming, large and terrifying, over his potato-shaped head.  And try as he might, he couldn’t run from it.  So, instead, he grabbed tightly to the only piece of his crumbling world that still made sense.  In a moment of romantic impulsivity, mixed with just a twinge of desperation, Finn Hudson proposed to Rachel Berry . . .

And Rachel said . . . .

 . . . well, apparently, she said absolutely nothing . . . ZERO, ZILCH, ZIPPO.  (In fact, this is probably the first time in Rachel’s entire life, that she was left speechless . . . sans monologue and/or power ballad.)

To this cavernous Void of Speech and Song, Finn apparently responded (in a male version of the voice of that creepy girl from The Ring movies) “THREE DAYS.”  *shivers*

For those who aren’t horror movie fans, in The Ring movies, if you watch a certain video tape in which a creepy chick crawls out of a well, once that video is over, that same chick calls you to tell you you are going to die in seven days.  Annnd . . . then she kills you.

In the Finchel version, Rachel has three days to respond to Finn’s proposal, or he will make her choke on the engagement ring . . . never to sing again.  JUST KIDDING!  He just needs an answer, thank you very much.  Unfortunately for him, Rachel’s still not quite ready to respond.

Golly, I wonder why?  It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that she is seventeen, has minimal dating experience, and wants to be FAMOUS, now could it?  “You don’t need to marry me to keep me from straying,” Rachel promises him.  “There is only you, until I go to college, and meet the next Ryan Gosling.  Then, all bets are off.”

Finn agrees to call off the creepy chick from The Ring, and give Rachel some more time to decide her entire future.  That’s very generous of him .  . .

No More Mr. Nice Gay!

Now, the Glee kids are hanging out at the Only Coffee Shop in Lima talking about . . . wait for it . . . Michael Jackson.  They decide to go around in a circle, and share their favorite MJ memories, which, considering they were all still in the womb, during most of the guy’s career, should be an impressive batch of stories.  Rachel admits that she doesn’t “get” Michael Jackson, bascially, because he doesn’t sing show tunes.  So, the rest of the Glee club promptly proceed to browbeat her for this admission.  No sense, angering MJ’s estate, when they so kindly offered Ryan Murphy and Co., MJ’s entire song catalogue, right?

This Michael Jackson Informercial is interrupted by Big Bad Sebastian Warbler.  Remember him?  The Lobster from The Little Mermaid?

 The guy who seemed to have a big ole crush on Blaine, and wasn’t afraid to bulldoze right over Poor Kurt, in order to show it?  Well, the Lobster’s motives for this little flirtation are now being severely called into question.

We are told that Sebastian learned of New Directions plans to do another Michael Jackson medley, by calling Blaine, under the guise of his needing help getting a wine stain out of his jacket.  (I don’t know, Kurt.   It sounds like phone sex to me . . . Jackets were definitely removed, at least.)  I loved Blaine’s sheepish facial expression, after being called out on this.  You would think that a guy who looks like Darren Criss would be used to the constant flirtations of men and women.  But Blaine was clearly so taken aback by Sebastian’s faux show of interest in him, that it led him to miss ALL the red flags about this guy.

I haven’t decided yet, if I find this charming, or just really, really stupid . .  .

Anywhoo, now Sebastian says that the WARBLERS will also be doing an MJ medley.  This, of course, prompts Santana to go a little Lima Heights Adjacent on the Lobster’s ass.

 So, the Lobster retorts by making a comment about all of Santana’s relatives in prison.

Source 

At first, I found this piece of dialogue to be a little racist.  Then, I realized (based on Santana’s reaction) that her family members actually are supposed to be in prison.  And I’m still not sure, if that made the joke more racist, or less . . .

Anywhoo . . . Sebastian says that he’s captain of the Warblers now, and is tired of playing nice.  Then, he butt wiggles toward the exit, while the rest of the Glee kids, even the typically unflappable Santana, watch him go, open-mouthed, and more than a bit frightened.  And now, we are probably NEVER going to learn how to get wine stains out of suit jackets.  DAMMIT!

Two Glee Clubs, both alike in dignity . . .

The Glee kids decide to settle their score with the Warbler’s like adults . . . or, rather, like gang leaders and / or people who spend way too much time watching West Side Story.  They decide to meet their nemeses in an abandoned parking lot.  (Yeah, because THAT’s a safe place to play!)  Clad in leather jackets and scowls, the Glee kids, duel dance and sing, against the Warblers, in an approximate recreation of the music video for Michael Jackson’s “Bad.”

Toward the end of the song, the groups broke off into pairs of two.  And from that point on, I couldn’t stop watching Sebastian and Santana, who were paired off against one another.  I know their character’s are gay.  But I just can’t get over the sexual chemistry Naya Rivera and Grant Gustin have with one another.  It’s positively electric, and it emanates from them, every time they share a scene together.  (More on that, later.)

Speaking of Santana, I was happy to see her get a solo in this number, since “Bad” is oddly well-suited to her voice.  My one gripe about the number, is that Puck wasn’t given more to do.  You know . . . the former bully, who wears a mohawk, and spent time in juvie.  Wouldn’t you think this whole “gang homage” would have been right up his alley?

Additionally, I’m always of fan of Glee putting it’s own spin on popular songs, as opposed to merely recreating them.  And I think that the inclusion of Mark Salling’s raspy baritone into this number, could have made “Bad” something really special.

It’s not until the end of the song that things start to go really . . . for lack of a better term . . . bad.  We see one of the Warblers hand Sebastian a brown paper bag containing an orange slushie.  Sebastian aims to throw it at Kurt, but Blaine dives in the way.  Instantly he crumbles on the floor, yelping and screaming, as the rest of the Warblers slink away.

Like, I suspect, many of you, at first, I found Blaine’s dramatic response to having his leather jacket and face dirtied, a bit over-the-top.  I even recall laughing at him, a bit.  Then, I found out the slushie actually scratched his cornea.  So, I felt like crap.  Thanks Glee!

Artie CAN WALK (and wear REALLY tight pants)!

You know who else felt like crap about Blaine’s eye injury?  Artie.  He’s tired of being pushed around by bullies, and rich kids wearing Hogwarts uniforms.  He wants justice, dammit.  He wants to crack some SKULLS AND SOME CORNEAS!

But Schue says, NO!  Better to roll over and play dead . . . you know, kind of like Mr. Schue does himself, whenever he’s brow-beaten by his ex wife, or Sue Sylvester, or Principal Figgins, or the six year old who sells him girl scout cookies, or the neighbor’s chihuahua . . .

Artie is just SO MAD that he GETS UP AND STORMS OFF, with Mike Chang, close behind him . . .

Wait . . . WHAT????!!!!

Ooooh . . .  now I get it . . . it’s a DAYDREAM SEQUENCE, also known as a near perfect visual recreation of Michael and Janet Jackson’s “Scream,” with Artie playing Michael, and Mike, oddly enough, playing Janet . . . even down to the hairdo.

Source 

For those familiar with the video, seeing it recreated in this way was really cool.  (Though, I suspect those who weren’t familiar with the original video, it just looked . . . weird.)  That said, I love that they gave Harry Shum, Jr. a solo in this one.  His voice has improved by leaps and bounds, since the series began.  I just wish the producers strayed from the original video, a bit more, to allow him to do more of his trademark dancing . . .

So, I guess Quinn’s . . . like smart . . . or something.

While lurking through the Glee message boards, I noticed that the pairing of Rachel Berry and Quinn Febray is extremely popular among a segment of the fandom.

 Source

And those shippers were undoubtedly squealing with joy, when Rachel met Quinn in the ladies room, in order to get advice about that whole “Finn proposed to me,” thing.

Source 

Now, I’ve gotta say, this wasn’t exactly Rachel’s most thoughtful moment.  I mean, correct me, if I’m wrong, but didn’t Finn LEAVE Quinn for Rachel MULTIPLE TIMES . . . the last one occuring very recently.  Didn’t she worry that hearing this might . . . I don’t know . . .  hurt Quinn’s feelings, a little bit.

After all, it’s one thing for your first love to move on, and fall in love with someone else.  It’s quite another for him to MARRY that someone else . . . And that brand of heartache is certainly not something one expects to have to deal with, while still in high school.  Then again, it could be argued that no one should have to deal with pregnancy in high school either, and yet many young women do every year, including Quinn  . . .

That said, Quinn was surprisingly SUPER adult about the whole thing . . . more adult than I suspect I would be.  Rather than calling Rachel out for her insensitivity, Quinn kindly and gently, but firmly, offers her some pretty sound advice.  “You have an amazing life ahead of you,” she tells her frenemy.  “You can finally get what you want, what you always dreamed of.  Don’t throw it away.”

Source 

She also tells her to DUMP Finn, and leave high school completely behind.  Well . . . that might be a bit like throwing the Finn baby out with the bathwater.  But in terms of the marriage proposal, I think Quinn’s got a point.  If Rachel sacrifices her own dreams to be with Finn, she will eventually come to resent him for it.

Quinn then announces to Rachel (and, eventually, the rest of the Glee club) that she got into Yale.  Wow, I remember, a few episodes back, when Quinn mentioned she was applying to Yale (but only because she felt she wasn’t a good enough singer to get into NYATA (also known as the Glee equivalent of whereever it was the kids from the original 90210 went to college), I actually started laughing, because the character never struck me as being particularly smart.

Sorry!

But apparently, the whole time Quinn was getting (1) knocked up, (2) kicked out of her house, (3) giving birth, (4) trying to steal her baby, and (5) hanging out in the bathroom with a group of girls called “The Skanks” she was also getting Straight A’s.

Who knew?

Quinn’s solo this week “Never Can Say Goodbye” . . .

Source 

 . . .  which she sings to Rachel, and, of course, to all the Glee men she’s boned in the past.

I’ll admit, it wasn’t my favorite number of the episode (or even my favorite Dianna Agron performance).  But, hey, at least she looked really pretty doing it!

Goodbye Quinn!  We sure will miss your sometimes-crazy ass!

I LOVE BURT HUMMEL! 

Burt Hummel is PURE awesomesauce!  He came all the way down to McKinley High, in the middle of the day, just to give Kurt his mail.  That’s right, Kiddies, the NYATA admissions letters are FINALLY HERE.  And Kurt’s is REALLY SMALL, which, many college hopefuls can tell you, tends not to be a good sign.  While he was opening that letter, I was so worried that  you would think it was me about to get my dreams crushed, not him.

But wait . . . it’s not a rejection at all.  He’s a NYATA finalist!  Kurt’s ecstatic, of course.  But Burt seems even more thrilled.  “They hurt you, and tried to bring you down, but you beat them all,” Burt tells his son, while choked up with pride.  “I’m so proud to be your dad.  They can never take this away from you.  You won.”

And . . . now my mascara is running all over my face.  Thanks Burt!  (What can I say, I’m always a big sucker for those father / son moments . . .

Speaking of winning . . .

Sam SCORES!

Continuing on his quest to get back inside Mercedes panties, Sam gets her to meet him in the auditorium, where he ropes her into singing, MJ’s soft, sweet, and sensual, “Human Nature.”

Source 

The performance itself was a fairly bare-bones one.  But I was impressed by how nicely Chord Overstreet’s and Amber Riley’s voices complemented one another.  The duet also highlighted the couple’s romantic chemistry.  And Sam must have been doing something right, because this number ended in a much-more-than-friendly kiss.

Source 

Sorry Shane!  It looks like your guest star days as Mercedes’ arm candy are numbered . . .

“Gee, sorry about your eye, Blaine.  Let me sing you a song about this rat I know . . .”

Meanwhile, at Blaine’s house, he’s in bed, rocking an eye patch (and awaiting the surgery that took his character conveniently out of commission, while Darren Criss starred in “How to Succeed in Business” on Broadway).  Blaine looks like a really cute gay pirate, but you can tell he’s seriously bummed about it.  Cue the entrance of Finchel and Kurt to lift his spirits, by singing him a song about how they Blaine him, no matter what he looks like . . . even if he just so happens to look like a garbage-eating, subway crawling, disease-infested rat.

OK . . . this rat is actually kind of cute.  But still! 

That’s right, folks.  Michael Jackson wrote the song “Ben” about a rat.  And now Kurt is singing it to his boyfriend . . .

2Cellos or Not 2Cellos . . .

Meanwhile, Santana has broken into La Casa de Warbler, home of Blaine’s former friends, who have since turned on him, like a bunch of . . . dare I say it . . . rats.  She confronts Sebastian for round two of their hot hate sex, disguised as dancing and singing angry duel for Blaine’s honor.  Sebastian excuses his fellow Warblers, telling them he doesn’t want them to see him make a girl cry.  But we all know it’s really because he doesn’t want them to see him cry in pure orgasmic ecstasy.

Source

In a room filled with a maze of chairs, fueled by the sounds of the two super talented, but-so-intense-they-are-a-bit-scary, cellists from the group 2Cellos, Sebastian and Santana tease and taunt one another, as they chase eachother around the room to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.”  Like, I suspect, many of you, I watched this number on YouTube, long before I saw it, in the actual episode.  And yet, it still remains, by far, my favorite musical number of the hour.

For starters, the performance a truly original take on MJ’s original song, bolstered by the sultry intensity of Naya Rivera’s vocals.  But, more importantly (for me, anyway), the complex and heated subtext between Sebastian and Santana, as they joust in more ways then one, pulling and prodding one another to the song’s ecstatic crescendo, adds layers to both the music and MJ’s words that I didn’t even know existed.

Did I mention that Sebastian openly admits to Santana that he put rock salt in that ill-fated slushie that ended up in Blaine’s corneas.

ROCK SALT!  (That’s really awful.  And it makes me feel even worse for laughing at Blaine, when he first went down, early on in the episode.)  Considering that Dalton Academy was a school to which Kurt originally transferred, largely for it’s “no tolerance for violence” policy, POURING ROCK SALT IN SOMEONE’S FACE, just so they can’t compete in a SINGING COMPETITION sure seems like  it would grounds for expulsion, don’t you think?   (Possibly even jail time.)

And though Sebastian seems to have absolutely no remorse for nearly blinding his almost-boyfriend, ultimately, it’s Santana, who has the last laugh.  Why?  Because she got the whole thing on tape, by attaching a bug . . . to her “underboob” . . . naturally . . .

Don’t want Finchel to get married?  Blame Rachel’s mailman . . .

“Dear USPS . . . YOU SUCK!  I’d send this letter to you by mail, but, knowing you guys, you will probably never ever receive it” 

Poor Rachel has become a victim of a government bureaucracy she can’t control.  It seems that everyone in the world has gotten their college acceptance letters, except for her.  So, of course, she assumes the worst.  “I have no idea what I’m doing,” Rachel cries to bestie Kurt, in the locker area, when she learns his good news about NYATA.  “Everyone has a plan, but me.”

Source 

Well, Rachel . . . not everyone . . .

So, of course, Rachel goes to find Finn.

He gets an orchestra to accompany the two of them, as they sing, “Can’t Stop Loving You.”  It’s a gorgeous rendition . . . if you are a big fan of mushy ballads.  Rachel sure seems genuinely in love, when she finally gives Finn the “yes,” he’s been waiting for since last week.

Source 

But, as much as I believe Rachel loves Finn, I can’t help but think that — at least, at this very moment — she sees marrying him as a sort of consolation prize.

Source 

And when Rachel DOES ultimately receive her “Finalist” letter from NYATA . . .

Source 

 . . .  that deer-in-headlights look she gets in her eyes, when Kurt asks if she told Finn the good news, definitely seems to confirm my suspicions . . .

“Gulp.” 

Because singing loudly at somebody, is the perfect revenge for their RAPING OF YOUR EYEBALL .  . .

So, I bet you were wondering what Santana ended up doing with that CRIMINAL CONFESSION of Sebastians.  As it turns out, she GAVE IT BACK TO HIM.

That’s right, kiddies.  Apparently, New Directions idea of “taking the high road,” means avenging their friend’s injury by PERFORMING FOR THEIR ENEMIES  . . .

My sentiments exactly!  But perform they do, to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Black and White,” complete with the video’s trademark Scary Face Morphing Technology.  The rest of the Warblers (except for Sebastian) join in the fun.  Of course, Blaine can’t play along . . . you know . . . BECAUSE HE ONLY HAS ONE EYE!!!!!!

But hey, it’s all about “teaching the villain” a lesson in goodness, right?

Source 

Yeah, I didn’t think so, either . . . So, that was “Michael,” in a nutshell.  Did you likey?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Be Young, Have Fun, WIN SECTIONALS – A Recap of Glee’s “Hold on to Sixteen”

Greetings Gleeks!  You know, after a few weeks of super angsty Glee installments, it was nice, for a change, to enjoy an hour of television that was all sweetness, light, and underage strippers. 😉

Shall we undress the episode? 😉

The Return of White Chocolate

Explain something to me, Gleeks.  Why must the New Directions kids always wait until the last possible minute to choose their competition songs?  That’s just irresponsible . . . WILL SCHUESTER.

FOR SHAME!

Anywhoo, at the beginning of “Hold on to Sixteen,” the New Direction kids find themselves both songless, and Rachel-free, with just days to go, before the Main Event . . .

 

Source

Fortunately, our clever Gleeks have a plan:  Let’s go kidnap Trouty Mouth from Kentucky!

“Let me guess . . . you want me to eat the competition?’ 

I loved the sort of Meta-aspect of the Glee kids deciding that they needed Sam back as their “secret weapon” to win Sectionals, just as the Glee producers decided they needed Sam back, because he’s one of the few characters left that on the show that isn’t playing a graduating senior . . .

He also has great abs . . .  

Finn and Rachel take a little road trip down to the place where Sam works, in order to do the recruiting, themselves.  (Of course, I’m not quite sure how they figured out where he worked, considering Sam hasn’t told his parents, and, therefore, probably wouldn’t post that information on Facebook, out of fear of getting caught.  But I digress.)  When Finn and Rachel arrive at the “restaurant,” they see that it’s filled with old ladies, each bearing wads of cash in their fists.  Rachel immediately assumes that Sam works at “dinner theater.”  Clearly, Rachel didn’t watch the promo for this week’s episode.  And why not?  We all know how much grannys love their dinner theater!

Or not? 

Ultimately, Rachel is right.  Sam DOES perform dinner theater . . . more or less.  It’s just that the “part” he happens to play in said “theater” is a private one  is a stripper named White Chocolate (?), who wiggles his hips at grandmas, until they shove dollar bills down his pants . . .

Rachel asks Finn for a dollar, so that she can join the fun . . . thus proving that it’s not really cheating, as long as money is involved . . .

After getting a good solid glimpse of Sam’s  . . . er . . . assets, Finn and Rachel follow him to his dressing room. There he explains that he needs the job to make ends meet.  After all, it pays WAY better than the local Dairy Queen, where his parents think he’s working.  Plus, the uniform is much less binding. 

Rachel and Finn eventually tell Sam that he should come back to McKinley  High, and, more importantly, New Directions.  (He can stay at Kurt’s and Finn’s house . . . everybody else does!)  Sam readily agrees, and takes the pair back home with him, so that he can give his parents the random   ridiculous  nonsensical fabulous news . . .

Sam’s parents are “The Dad from Smallville” and “Some Blonde Actress I Don’t Recognize.”

Sam basically tells them that the reason he wants to go back to McKinley High, because he misses being a teenager.  Also, he’s tired of having 70 year old ladies, and some men, tug on his jock strap, and try to throw quarters inside.  Blonde Actress I Don’t Recognize immediately starts to cry . . . not because she feels guilty about making Sam grow up poor . . . but because, when Sam’s in Ohio, she will miss his Trouty Mouth face . . .  you know the one the “local Dairy Queen” always makes him cover with glitter . . .

Mere moments later, Sam is back at McKinley singing an uber appropriate song about alcoholism and underage drinking, called “Red Solo Cup.”  (Originally sung by country songster, Toby Keith.)

The rest of the New Directions crew joins in, while pretending to get wasted on Sparkling Cider . . . except for Kurt, who’s always been more of a juice box and sippy cup, kind of guy . . .

You can catch the Ode to Cheap Keg Beer, here, as well as Santana’s Absolutely Brilliant Ode to Trouty Mouth, which follows immediately thereafter.

Girlfriend should seriously consider a career in stand-up . . .

By the way, was I the only one who thought Sam’s “Red Solo Cup” sounded suspiciously similar to Brittany’s “My Cup” song, from last season?  (I guess Glee kids really like cups . . .)

Will Schuester, of course, sees nothing at all with his students singing songs about boozing at school.  Everybody does it!

Once he’s gotten his friends all thoroughly fake-drunk on cider, Sam informs them that the only way this mostly male group can win Sectionals is basically by ‘shaking what their mama gave them.’  He then proceeds to teach them all his Sripper Moves.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love me some White Chocolate Gyrations as much as the next girl.  BUT . . .

Source 

  . . . they remind me just a bit too much of Sam’s Vanilla “Justin Bieber Moves” from last season . . .

Blaine is NOT FOR SALE, PEOPLE! 

My own personal opinions aside, you know who’s TOTALLY NOT down with Sam’s stripper moves?  THIS GUY!

Source

Our former Warbler is simply appalled by the notion of using sex to win a Glee club competition!  “I am NOT for sale,” he shouts, before stomping off in a huff . . .

Source

We find Blaine in the gym, a few moments later, getting all hot and sweaty with one VERY LUCKY punching bag.  Mommy like . . . A LOT!

*casually wipes drool from keyboard* 

When Finn comes to visit, Blaine admits that he’s not just mad at Sam for trying to make the Glee club slutty, he’s also mad at Finn, for being a total asshat to him, ever since he transferred to McKinley . . .

Source

ROAR!  Angry, Hoodie-wearing, Blaine is the BOMB DIGGITY! 

Finn basically agrees with Kurt about the whole “asshat” thing.  But hey, he’s only been acting that way because he’s SUPER jealous of Blaine’s hot bod, and mad dancing skills!  (Honestly can you blame him?)

This . . .

Versus this . . .

Ultimately, the two put aside their differences, and decide to work together to ensure that New Directions brings home a win at Sectionals.  They seal their agreement with a kiss  manly fist pound . . .

(Though, personally, I would have preferred a Gay High Five . . .)

Speaking of Blaine . . .

“You smell like Craigslist.”

Kurt has come face-to-face with his enemy.  And that enemy has CW hair . . .

. . .  and smells like Craigslist.  (Hmm . . . what do you all think Craigslist smells like?  I’m thinking dirty socks, with a hint of cheap cologne, intermingled with an old couch covered in cat hair. No offense to Craigslist, of course.)

Kurt is just minding his own business, and having a nice cup of coffee with his boyfriend, when in comes that lobster from The Little Mermaid, Sebastian.

Source 

Kudos to Grant Gustin, who’s mastered just the right balance of slimy, stalkerish,  and decidedly evil, yet oddly charming and sexy, in his portrayal of Sebastian.  I’m already loving to hate him.  Sebastian claims he just “happened” to see Blaine getting coffee, and decided to stop by.  But there’s something about the way he says it, that makes you think, “I’ve been sitting outside the coffee shop for hours, waiting for you to come.”   *insert super villain laugh here*

Blaine must pick up on this.  Because immediately becomes super uncomfortable, and escapes to the counter to pick up his Cup O’ Joe.  With the mutual object of their affection out of the way, Kurt and Sebastian can drop all pretenses of being civil.  This is when things start to get really fun, with Kurt pointedly telling Sebastian he doesn’t like him, and Sebastian returning the favor, by telling Kurt he has a serious case of “Gay Face.”

 Something tells me these two are in for a serious, balls to the wall, hair pulling cat fight, in the upcoming weeks.  It’s a good thing Blaine took those boxing lessons.  After all, he’s probably going to be the one who ends up having to break it up .  . .

“It’s not easy looking this good . . .” 

Speaking of the always intriguing game of Love Roulette .  . .

Sam and his Women  . . .

Remember when Sam and Quinn were the BLONDEST COUPLE EVER  . . .

Well, apparently, Quinn does too.  And she wants another piece of that White Chocolate . . . in her pants!  Unfortunately, Quinnipoo’s recent trip to Crazytown has rendered her temporarily incapable of successfully hitting on men.  Instead, she tells Sam he should date her, because he’s “great with kids,” which means he’ll be really good with Beth, after she steals her away from her current mother.

 Um, Quinn?  I hate to break it to you, but, as far as pickup lines go, that one was about as sexy as syphillis . . .

Sam tries to let her down easy though, by telling her she has “rich white girl problems,” and that she should “hold on to sixteen, as long as [she] can,” like the couple from that song, Jack and Diane.  (I smell an Episode Title!)  Come to think of it, he didn’t let her down easy at all!  That was super harsh . . .

Then again, I guess Tough Love is in order for this self-destructive diva.  After all, if she doesn’t change her ways, she will most certainly end up like Charlize Theron’s character in that new movie, Young Adult . . . 

I actually kind of see a resemblance . . .

 . . . or worse, her character from that old movie, Monster.

However, having been out of town for  quite some time, Sam doesn’t really know just how big of a bullet he dodged, by deciding NOT to start dating Quinn again.  Instead, it seems the main reason, he rejected the popular blonde, was that he was much more interested in winning back his other ex, the sassy brunette . . .

Ahhh . . . Samcedes . . . the ship that almost was . . .  This just so happened to be one of those storylines that was unceremoniously dumped, upon Chord Overstreet’s departure from the show, at the end of last season.  However, Sam would have us believe that the sexy summer courtship these two shared was EPIC, with a capital “E.”  Mercedes doesn’t seem quite as certain as Sam of their everlasting love . . .

However, she does seem fairly aroused by Sam’s shameless flirting, and no-holds-barred willingness to win her back,  despite the fact that Mercedes’ current boyfriend looks like he eats monster trucks for breakfast . . .

“Nom-nom, that freshman tasted goooood.”

My advice to Sam?  Wear a helmet . . .

In parental unit news . . .

“This is your path.  You must follow it.”

Ahhh  . . . Mike Chang . . . sweet, adorable, awesome, Mike Chang.  Somehow you have gone from being That Random Dancing Dude to The Guy with the Great Abs . . .

. . . to one of my FAVORITE CHARACTERS ON THIS SHOW . . .

On one hand, when you really think about it, Mike Chang’s storyline in “Hold on to Sixteen” was more or less a Cliff Notes’ reprise of his storyline in “Asian F.”  I mean, think about it.  You’ve got Mike getting pressure from his father to pursue a career in medicine, while his girlfriend convinces him to follow his dreams, and become a professional dancer.  Then, ultimately, upon seeing Mike perform, his dad realizes just how talented his son is, realizes the error of his ways, and agrees to support him in his artistic endeavors.

However, thanks to some tremendous acting on the parts of Harry Shum, Jr., Jenna Ushkowitz, and Keong Sim, who plays Mike’s dad, this recycled storyline was somehow made to seem shiny and new, and even offered up enough heartwarming poignant moments to make me a little teary-eyed . . .

It all started when Mike admitted to his girlfriend that he was planning on applying to medical schools, as opposed to dancing schools, because he wanted his father back in his life.  Finding this patently unacceptable, especially given the extent of Mike’s talent and passion for performing, Tina shows herself to have balls of steel, by visiting Mike’s father at his office, knowing full well that the latter does not approve of the pair’s romantic relationship  .  . .

At first, Mike’s dad seems annoyed at Tina for wasting his time, and has some pretty harsh things to say to her about her own chances at success in the performing world.  Douchey Daddy even goes as far as to say that Tina’s parents are deluding her, by supporting her dreams, since she’s pretty much destined to fail.  But Tina’s no dummy.  She knows exactly how to get through to Mr. Chang.  “You’re always talking about honor,” she tells him.  “Help your son to honor his gift.”

“I also added in a hint of vampire compulsion.”

Though it’s Tina’s choice words that convince Douchey Daddy to get off his stubborn ass,  and watch his son perform at Sectionals.  It’s Mike’s talents that ultimately win over the doctor, making him ever-so-slightly less douchey than before . . .

“Son, can you teach me how to Dougie?” 

“This is your path.  You must follow it,” instructs Obi-wan-Chang, in a “wise man” voice, that would make even Yoda proud . . .

“Strong in you, the force is.  Though douchey, you still sometimes are.” 

Then we find out, that, even though Mike missed his dance school application deadlines, Tina applied on his behalf.

And they all lived “danc-ily ever after”  . . .

Speaking of people who became slightly-less-evil for the sake of their children . . .

Quinn, we’d like to reintroduce you to your Soul.  Soul . . . meet Quinn . . . again.

“Ummm . . . Quinn?  Boardwalk Empire called.  It wants that old ass hat back . . . 

Thank the Lord of Dance for ending this RIDICULOUS BABY KNAPPING STORYLINE!!!!

This week, Quinn’s all ready to rat out Shelby for f*&king Puck.  (Hey, that rhymes!)  So, that the Troubletones can get disqualified from Sectionals, Shelby can be fired, and Quinn can have another shot at adopting back her spawn, Beth . . .

Rachel begs Quinn to reconsider, telling her that she knows what it’s like to do the wrong thing (i.e. fixing the class election), and it feels awful if you get caught.   Well, Rachel, this might be true for YOU.  But Quinn’s been doing the Wrong Thing for Two Seasons straight now, and it still hasn’t changed a thing.

But you still get an “A” for effort, Sweetie! 

Though Rachel’s words plant the seeds of reform in Quinn’s mind, oddly enough, it’s Shelby that really sends her on the path toward redemption.  “You may be young, and pretty now.  But, one day, you are going to be a forty year old, who needs to have sex with 18 year olds who look 30 in order to feel better about yourself.  So, you might as well enjoy being a teenager, while you still can,” says Shelby, more or less.  (How’s that for a pep talk?)

This discussion ultimately “scares Quinn  straight” so to speak.  And she decides NOT to rat out Shelby for her temporary lapse into cougardom.  She even gets to share her newfound wisdom with her fellow Gleeks.  But, more on that later . . .  It’s time for SECTIONALS!

Wherein the New Directions Get to Perform Eight Minutes Longer Than Everybody Else . . .

RACHEL: “But that’s not fair!”

KURT: “Shhhh . . . maybe no one will notice.”

It’s time for the main event.  The Troubletones versus the New Directions versus . . . a whole bunch of other teams we never get to see, and don’t really care about (with the exception of one that we DO get to see, and STILL don’t care about).  Before they head to the auditorium, The Troubletones “graciously” invite the members of New Directions to join them, if and when they win.

Finn finds the offer extremely rude even though, they ultimately end up making the SAME offer to the Troubletones, at the end of the episode.  “No, we’re being nice,” corrected Santana.  “It would be rude if I followed you around, and, everytime you took a step, I played a note on the tuba.”

Actually, that would be HILARIOUS . . . (Anyone got a tuba I could borrow?)

Aside from our McKinley based rivals, the only other group we get to hear during the Sectionals competition is the ridiculously named UNITARDS . . .

.  . . who are led by, the uber obnoxious Harmony (a.k.a. that OTHER Glee Project winner), who we met, during the season premiere.  They preform the song “Buenos Aires” from Evita.  And it’s OK . . . I guess .  . .

In case you are curious, you can watch the performance here:

The Unitards ultimately end up coming in third place, which, hopefully means, we won’t have to see them again, at least, for another season . . .

Next up are The Troubletones, with a fun little  mashup of Gloria Gaynor’s classic wedding ditty “I Will Survive,” and Destiny Child’s Dumped Girl Anthem, “Survivor.”  (Apparently, the Glee writers, heard the complaints of us snarky recappers.  In a surprise showing of continuity, BOTH the Troubletones and New Directions added in enough random extras to have the twelve-member troupes that were so important to the competition in previous episodes.)

As for this performance, it was sassy, sexy, well-harmonized, and expertly choreographed, basically, everything we’ve come to expect from this all-girl troupe.  Yet still, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if they performed their Adele mashup, from a few weeks prior, instead of this one.   Am I the only one who thinks they probably would have won?

Regarding the New Directions, there’s was a three-part tribute to the Jackson family.  In a seemingly bold move — especially considering past performances — the tribute allowed EACH member of the club to shine, with his or her own solo . . .  as opposed to having one or two Gleeks hog the stage, while the others rocked back and forth in the background . . .

*clears throat*

First, Tina, Kurt, and yes, boys and girls, Mike Chang(!) took the lead on the Jackson Five’s peppy, ABC, which was by far my favorite of the three numbers . . .

Next came Finn, Artie, and Puck crooning to Michael Jackson’s own soulful ode to self-discovery, Man in the Mirror . . .

Finally, Quinn and Blaine took over for my last favorite performance of the three to Janet Jackson’s “Control.”  In the New Direction’s defense, I’d simply never heard the song before, and didn’t like it very much.  They did their best with what they were given, though . . .  (And Quinn’s ” taking control,” speech at the beginning was TOTALLY terrifying.  So, if that was the point of it, mission accomplished.)

Given that we are only half way through the season, the fact that New Directions ended up winning the competition (with the Troubletones coming in a close second) should be no surprise to you.  But still, it was nice to see Quinn, of all people, be the one to finally extend an olive branch to her competitors, by inviting them to rejoin the WINNING team.  She even got Rachel to agree to let the girl group perform its own solo number in each successive competition, which should be fun to see . . .

Did I mention that Quinn decided she wants to go to Yale?  Yeah, because THAT’S an easy thing to accomplish!

Then again, her whole Baby Napping Storyline should make for a really nifty Ivy League College Application Essay . . .

The episode ends on a super cheery note, with the Glee kids all together at last for a big impromptu finale sing-a-long to the song “We are young.”  What I liked best about this number was, not necessarily the performance itself (I mean, there was virtually no choreography at all), but how much fun the Glee kids seemed to be having during it.  I mean, these guys genuinely seem to enjoy one another’s company, and chemistry like that is pretty hard to fake.  See for yourself . . .

And that’s all she wrote for this week’s episode of Glee.   Be sure to tune in next week, for the guaranteed cheese-fest that is the show’s annual holiday-themed episode . . .

I’m sorry.  Was that too Grinchy of me?  What I mean to say is, be sure to tune in next week for the SUPER EXCITING Christmas installment of Glee . . .

See you then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Nice Knowing Ya’ CLOSET! – A Recap of Glee’s “I Kissed a Girl”

Greetings Gleeks!  You know one of the benefits of writing a late Gleecap, as I’m often inclined to do, is having the hindsight of having already read a few message boards on the subject.  And boy, did this episode make a whole lot of people angry, for a variety of reasons . . .

Some of you were put off by how the writers handled Finn’s outing of Santana.

Others were frustrated by the sheer lack of Brittana, throughout the hour, thereby making the title of this episode, somewhat of a misnomer . . . if you catch my drift.

Still others of you were annoyed at how the episode brushed off Santana’s actual coming out to her parents.

Source 

And, finally, a whole boatload of you were TOTALLY GROSSED out by the Puck / Quinn / Shelby storyline.

But, hey, at least it’s not half as bad as Puck’s storylines with that Lauren Zizes chick.  Right?  RIGHT??

Who knew a show about singing and dancing high schoolers could be so divisive?  Let’s Gleecap, shall we?

The Slap Heard Round the World School

Last week’s Gleeky installment ended with Santana (or, according to her, her alter ego, “Snicks”) clocking Finn (a.k.a. Fetus Face, a.k.a. Hamburglar) in the face for inadvertently outing her to all of Lima, Ohio.

I know I posted it before, but it bears repeating . . . 😉 

This week, Santana’s facing down suspension, not to mention a big fat “NO” to competing in Sectionals.  Finn shocks his erstwhile nemesis by claiming the entire slapping debacle to be nothing more than a little impromptu acting.

Apparently, Finn is a much better actor than he is a dancer  . . .

“It was fake.  HAHA!  Just kidding!  LOL and such!” He says, though his face currently bears a big red handprint on it, with the words “Santana was here, B*TCHES,” written in a mixture blood and lipstick across his cheek.”  (Not really . . . but there should have been.)

No one’s more shocked by this than Santana, herself.  So, she confronts Finn outside the principal’s office to slap him again, only this time in the ass find out what sort of evil plan he has up his sleeve.  Now, here’s where things got a bit messy in the Glee fandom . . .

Source

Finn says a whole lot of pretty schmoopy stuff to Santana, about why he’s so intent on helping her more fully “de-closet herself.”  He says SO MUCH schmoopy stuff in fact, that part of me kept waiting for the DRAMATIC BUT SAD violin to provide backup music for his speech.

Unfortunately, Violin is still in the closet, but only because no one has outed her yet.  Finn?

He tells her she’s awesome . . . and that by hiding her Gay, she’s hiding some of her awesomeness, right along with it.  It also makes her act like a bit of a tool.  Finn also claims that he cares about Santana deeply, since her’s was the first bun to accept his hot dog . . .

Finally,  he claims he doesn’t want her to kill herself, like the kid he recently read about in the news.  But through all these sweet,  if slightly patronizing, words, Finn fails to say the one thing Santana fans really want to hear: I’M SORRY I OUTED YOU, BEFORE YOU WERE READY TO COME OUT ON YOUR OWN.

DOH! 

Because, the fact remains that the REAL reason Santana has to come out of the closet now is because Finn THREW her out of it, albeit inadvertently so.  Therefore, whether Finn believes that Santana SHOULD come out of the closet,  is really beside the point.  By not apologizing to Santana for what he did, it could be argued that Finn feels justified in outing her, simply because the ends satisfy the means.  If this wasn’t the writers’ intention, they probably should have shown a bit less Preachy McPreacherson, and a bit more remorse, from our male lead .  . .

Going Girly . . .

The next step in Finn’s Let’s Blow Up Santana’s Closet plan is to have both the New Directions kids and the Troubletones sing what he terms “Lady Music,” i.e. songs by girls, about girls.  Finn hopes that this will show Santana just how much support she has from her Glee social circle.

First up to sing are Kurt and Blaine, who launch into a slightly subdued version of Pink’s “Perfect.”  It was a sweet rendition.  Though, I must admit, I found myself a bit distracted during it by Kurt’s bizarre HALF sweater.

Source 

Specifically, I couldn’t help but wonder whether Blaine might have ripped the other half off of him, during . . . ahem . . . rehearsal.

Then, of course, there was Santana’s reaction . . .

Source 

Awww, Santana!  Kurt SACRIFICED A HIDEOUSLY UGLY SWEATER for YOU!  Show some respect!

You can check out the entire performance of “Perfect” here:

Meanwhile . . .

Puck Gets Lucky . . .

Puck’s Lady Song is “I’m the Only One,” by Melissa Etheridge.  Like many of Puck’s solos,  this song is well-suited for the character’s gravelly sex voice, preference for guitar accompaniment, sheer love of repeated pelvis grinding, and overwhelming desire to dedicate whatever song he sings to his current love interest / conquest.  Everytime I watch Puck do one of these songs, I worry that he might impregnate me through the television screen . . .

Source 

As many of you know, I’m a HUGE Puck fan.  So, of course, I enjoyed this performance.  I did have two complaints, however.  (1) Puck’s shameless eyef*cking of Shelby came across as a bit creepy to me .  . . I’m not quite sure why.

(2) At some point, during the past two weeks, Puck’s Mohawk seems to have morphed into a furry woodland creature, named Spanks.

Keeping a  furry woodland creature on your head, during the act of eyesex constitutes animal cruelty, in my book . . .

Animal cruelty aside, Shelby calls Puck during school, when Baby Beth falls and cuts her lip open.  Puck successfully takes charge of the situation.  And, as a reward, wins SEX.  HOORAY!

How convenient of Shelby to wait until Puck had already “helped her” in more ways than one, to decide, “this is immoral .  . . We can’t do this.”  On second thought, maybe what Shelby did was kind.  After all, at least Puck won’t have to worry about these .  . .

 . . . unlike, say, somebody else  we know at McKinley High who has to wear them ALL THE TIME .  . .

Prior to this, Quinn had, more or less, offered Puck “sure thing sex.”  But Puck, shockingly enough, turned her down because . . .  well, because she’s been a wackadoo, baby stealing, ASSHAT, for pretty much, this entire season  .  . . THAT’S WHY.  Actually, I believe his words were, “I’d rather raw dog a beehive.”  Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .

All that aside, since he’s a 29 year old  teenager with Super Sex Stamina, who still has a few rounds left in him, after his one-time romp with Rachel’s bio mom (ICK!), after being rejected by Shelby, Quackers Quinn starts to look pretty darn tasty . . .

“Try no to be too alarmed, if I yell out the name “Shelby” during our Big Moment . . . um . . . it’s my dog’s name.  Yeah, that’s it!” 

Hate Sex is hot, isn’t it?  Unless, of course, you lack a condom, and your sperm have already shown themselves to be expert swimmers . . .

“Not to worry,” says Quinn (more or less), “teen pregnancy is awesome.  And I would know .  . .”

Apparently, Quinn has given up the notion of stealing Beth from Shelby, because .  . . wait for it . . . she’s decided to make another Baby.

Seriously?   Someone get this girl a strait-jacket, PLEASE!

 Fortunately, for Quinn (and us), Puck doesn’t want to play these baby-making games.  He tells her how lost she’s become, since her first baby.  And yet he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she will safely escape the HELL that is Lima, and go on to do something great with her life like marry a billionaire and/or make a famous sex tape that earns her a reality TV show, and millions of dollars in endorsements.  Clearly, this is precisely what Quinn needed to hear.  And, for about two seconds, all seems good with the world.

So, why then, did Puck feel the need to poop on all that progress,  by confessing his affair with Shelby to Quinn.

Personally, I think Spanks made him do it.  DAMN YOU, SPANKS!

Elsewhere, in SueTown . . .

Everybody Loves Cooter . . .

“Why would someone assume I’m a friend of Ellen just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl’s sport and I married myself? It just doesn’t make sense.” Sue writes in her faithful diary, during one of the funniest bits of dialogue, in the entire episode . . .

Source 

Did you know Sue has a Black Booty Call book, that’s annotated with helpful reminders of certain celebrities’ prowess between the sheets?  Personally, I’m hoping Fox decides to sell this one on Ebay.  Surely, many of us fellow star-screwers can benefit from knowing that Dan Quayle is “too needy,” Matt Lauer is “a crier,” and Oliver North is “a biter.”

Source 

Of course, for the present, Sue only has one man in mind to help her combat gay rumors, and win the congressional election.  And that man’s name start’s with a “C” and is a derogatory name for a woman’s body part.  (NO!  Not THAT name . . . the other one . . . Callalily.  (Just kidding.  It’s Cooter.)

“But wait!”  You say.  “Unacceptable!  He belongs to the Beiste!”

Well, that’s what she thought too . . . until she was picking up her usual chickeny dinner (I thought Breadsticks delivered?) . . . and ran into the Old Coot on a date with a certain Congressional Candidate.  Poor Beiste is devastated.  And, what’s worse, Cooter admits that he’s dating Sue, because Beiste isn’t .  . . um . . . curing his Man Pain.  Yep, apparently someone on this show still hasn’t cashed in that shiny V card.  Unfortunately, for Beiste, night time weightlifting sessions (NOT a euphemism for sex), do not equal a “romantic relationship,” as far as Cooter is concerned.

Source 

It looks like SOMEONE has just been punted into the dreaded Friend Zone.  I smell a solo song number.  Don’t you?

I hereby present to you “Jolene.”

Ultimately,  Sue ends up losing the Congressional Election to Burt Hummel.   But will she lose her Cooter to the Turducken loving Beiste, who has decided to battle for his love, one chicken breast at a time?  Only the writers know for sure . . .

I’m Coming Out (I Want the World to Know)

Finn’s tribute to Santana is a slow, sultry, and oddly poignant version of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”  It came as a pleasant surprise for me, because I’m not usually a huge fan of Finn’s voice.  I also always tend to prefer Glee songs that offer a unique take on an already popular song, as opposed to merely covering it, karaoke style.  So, this really worked for me.  Santana must have felt the same way, since her the iceberg around her heart melted enough by the end of the performance, to offer Finn both a hug and heartfelt thanks.

All together now . . . “Awwwww.”

You can catch the performance, in it’s entirety, here:

Outside by the lockers, some douchebag leers at Santana, and decides to make her his “personal challenge.”  This prompts the rest of the Glee girls, to systematically rip him a new one, in a show of sisterly solidarity.  Then, back to the Glee room they go, to perform YET ANOTHER Katy Perry song.  This time it’s the titular “I Kissed the Girl.”  And while none of the girls actually kiss during it, there is a whole lot of ass grabbing . . . You know, if you’re into that sort of thing . . .

Source 

Check it out . . .

We never get to see Santana actually come out to her parents, though we are told that they are “fine with it.”  Wait . . . what?  I thought that seeing Santana come out to her parents and make out with Brittany was supposed to be the WHOLE POINT OF THIS EPISODE?

Santana did come out to her grandma, though . . . That didn’t go so well . . .  “I want you to know me . . . who I really am,” Santana says to this woman, who she’s loved dearly and admired her entire life.

Source 

So, of course that evil wench has to go, and squash her heart like a bug . . .

How dare Santana make her asshat grandma uncomfortable, by telling her what’s in her heart?  She should have kept it a secret, and maintained the lie of their relationship . . . that would be MUCH better.  It’s interesting (and sad) how Grandma seems more willing to accept that her daughter might be pregnant, while still in high school, than gay.  Eventually, Grandma kicks a tearful Santana out of her house, and tells her never to return.

Then, as soon as Santana leaves, the Glee fandom knocks down the old lady’s door, and proceeds to beat the crap out of her homophobic ass.  Good times! 🙂

Santana returns to school the next day, subdued, but determined to keep on fighting for her own happiness.  She sings k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving,” while Puck and Shelby stare moodily at one another, and Crazy Quinn plots the teacher’s untimely death.  Other than that awkwardness, the performance serves as a poignant finale to the journey Santana underwent, during the episode . . .

In other news . . .

When Stuffing a Ballot Box, Don’t Forget to Count the Ballots . . .

Sue wasn’t the only person to lose an election this week, Kurt lost one too . . . but for lack of cheating trying.  It’s student election time at McKinley and Kurt is convinced that he is going to lose to Brittany, because, unlike her, he refuses to go topless on Tuesdays.  (Can we get Blaine to go topless on Tuesday’s instead?   Or Puck,  for that matter?)

Convinced that an election loss will kill his chances of getting into NYATA college, Kurt contemplates stuffing the ballot box.   But Rachel, Blaine and Finn convince him to “be good.” The ballots are secret, but, the benefit of this being a TV show is that we get to see who everyone votes for.  Santana and Quinn show Cheerios spirit (and a little Lebanese Lady Love, respectively) by voting for their Britt . . .

Source 

 . . . while most of the other Gleeks seem to support Kurt.

However, when Kurt ends up winning the election by 190 more votes than there are actually STUDENTS IN THE SCHOOL, Principal Figgins cries foul.   This is the worst election scandal since Bush v. Gore!  Kurt is called in for questioning, and threatened with suspension.  There’s only one problem .  . . he didn’t do it.

You know who did?   Rachel . . . . you know, because she needs her Gay Best Friend for college nights on the town, and stuff.  (Who doesn’t?)

Of course, Brittany ends up winning the election, fair and square.   (HOORAY for Pixie Sticks and Public Nudity!)  Kurt concedes graciously,  telling Brittany to “rule awesomely,” even though he’s quite certain now that he won’t get into college now, and will be forced to spend the rest of his life in Lima,  singing oldies songs for tips at the local Johnny Rockets . . .

And here’s the kicker . . . Rachel might not get into NYATA now either.  Her election rigging is going on her permanent record.  She’s suspended from school for a week, and . . . wait for it . . . she’s BANNED FROM COMPETING IN SECTIONALS!!

Source 

This is terrible.  The New Directions are probably going to have to have that little leprechaun kid do all the solos now . . .

Next week on Glee, SHIRTLESS SAM is back, and . . .

Yeah, I missed everything else, after I saw that.  It’s a girl thing.  What can I tell you?  Anywhoo, feel free to check out the trailer for next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Hold on to Sixteen” here:

So . . . tell me . . . what did you think of “I Kissed a Girl?” 😉

Until next time, Gleeks . . .

Source 

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

It’s Not Easy Being a Leprechaun – A Recap of Glee’s “Pot O’ Gold”

Source

Welcome back, Gleeks!  Can you believe it’s been a month since the last time Sue tried to destroy Glee club . . .

. . . or Quinn made a Puss Face . . .

. . . or Blaine sang a song by Katy Perry, while wearing an item of clothing that you would laugh at on anybody else, but, on him, it looks surprisingly adorable?

 “What the hell is on your head, fool?” 

Well, it has been . . . But wait no more, because our New Directions crew is back in action!  And, this time, they have the Luck of the Irish on their side . . .

Source

That’s right!  This week marked the debut of Glee Project winner, Damian McGinty, as Rory Flanagan, an Irish exchange student, who wears WAY too much green, loves Lucky Charms, and is desperately seeking a Pot of Gold inside Brittany’s pants.

 

In honor of his premiere episode, the character was granted: (1) not one, but two, solo numbers; (2) a truly awful hair style that only an Elvis impersonator could love . . .

(Enough hairspray to make the cast of the Jersey Shore cower in fear . . . )

 . . . (3) and a WHOLE LOTTA green t-shirts .  . .

 . . .  with matching SHORTS! 

So, who cares that it’s still MONTHS away from St. Patty’s day!  Crack open your green beer, dress yourself up in four leaf clovers, and . . . yeah .  . . I can’t think of a third thing since, like most people. I tend to spend my St. Patty’s days completely wasted because it’s time to dig in to the “Pot O’Gold.”

How a Bunch of Corpses Saved West Side Story

“Vote for ME!”

Surprise!  Sue is still using her national political campaign to try and screw over Glee club.  This time, she does it by attacking the school’s production of West Side Story, which, of course, stars ONLY Glee clubbers.  After getting McKinley High parents all riled up, by broadcasting the show’s $2,000 plus budget on the local news, she then incites them to lash out at Principal Figgins . . . kind of like this lady is doing .  . .

Source

(This was my favorite part of the entire episode, by the way . . .  I have a feeling I will be using this GIF A LOT, in the future.)

Since Principal Figgins almost always caves quickly and easily to Sue Sylvester Pressure . . .

Hmmm . .  . I wonder why? 

 . . . New Directions soon finds itself without a school play . . . unless, of course, it can raise the $2,000 on its own.  Mister Schue suggests that the kiddies sell ad space in school publications to raise the missing funds.  “But WHO will buy the ads?” You might be asking yourself.

“Oh, please let it be someone cool . . . pretty please let it be someone cool.” 

Enter the ever-adorable Burt Hummel, and his merry band of morticians / funeral directors.  (I’m guessing Burt’s Auto Body Shop offers a two-for-one special on fixing hearses?)

)This looks like an advertisement for the Hair Club for Men . . . )

Doh!  So much for “cool” . . .

These men decide to front the cost of West Side Story, because . . . well . . . a lot of characters die in the play.  So, basically, it’s like One Big Fat Funeral Home Commercial!

Yay, Death! 

The aforementioned exchange (along with some nagging from Will) prompts Burt to enter the political arena, and challege Sue for the congressional seat, as a Pro Arts Candidate.  Of course, Burt appears on the  Sue’s precious local news program, to announce his “write-in” candidacy.  You GO, Burt!

Is that really Kurt’s dad?  I almost didn’t recognize him without the baseball cap . . . 

Speaking of hats . . .

The Dorky Hat Dance

Who are the dudes in the background?  Do they even go to this school? 

In completely (and I mean completely) unrelated news, Blaine performs “Last Friday Night” with the rest of New Directions, while wearing an extremely dorky hat.

He does this to “unite” the Glee clubbers, after the untimely loss of Mercedes from Glee club, which has seriously dragged on the group’s spirits of late.  You know, because nothing brings teenagers together like stories of public intoxication and alcoholic blackouts . . .

“No kidding . . .”

Unfortunately, rather than bringing the group together (though most of them seem perfectly happy to rub up on one another, throughout the song), the musical number has the unintended consequence of making Finn jealous of Blaine (probably, because he could never pull off a hat like that) . . .

“And he still looks attractive . . . amazing.”

 . . .  and Santana to become extremely annoyed at him (because she ALSO could never pull off a hat like that, but also because she assumes that Blaine and Rachel will now share all of New Directions’ solos, just as Rachel and Finn did, last year).

This prompts Santana to quit Glee club, and join Mercedes in Shelby Corcoran’s group, where the solos are a-plenty, and the members who pee standing up are a-zero.

But could Santana ever REALLY leave her lady love Brittany floundering all alone in an extra curricular activity, without her?   PERISH THE THOUGHT!

This reminds me .  . . did I mention that Santana and Brittany are “officially and item now?”  Because they are!  At some point during the hiatus, Santana and Brittany have apparently progressed in their relationship to eating shrimp cocktails together at Breadsticks (Santana pays, of course), and holding hands underneath napkins.

Source

Even better is the fact that they leave little love notes / daily affirmations in eachother’s locker from their favorite pets . . .

I hereby would like to start a campaign to nominate Lord Tubbington for an Emmy.  Who’s with me?

In Fox TV land, this is practically the equivalent of marriage . . .

But let’s get back to the Lucky Charms . . .

That’s One Horny Leprechaun!

New Irish Exchange Student, Rory Flanagan, wants to make friends . . . badly.  He figures that if he does, maybe he’ll stop getting pushed into lockers, every five seconds.  Fat chance considering you’re about to join New Directions.  These people practically live with their backs up against the lockers, and their hair covered in red slushie. But, more importantly than that, Rory wants to get laid . . . by anyone, really . . . but specifically by Brittany, at who’s house he is currently staying.

My goodness!  It’s yet another stupid hat.  Was there some kind of two for one special in the wardrobe department? 

Fortunately, Brittany thinks Rory is a leprechaun.  And, apparently, she’s always really wanted to screw one of those  . . . which is kind of disturbing, actually.  (Then again, this is the girl who once created a campaign poster featuring Kurt Hummel being “ridden” by a unicorn.)

What a horny girl! 

So, Brittany promises Rory that, if he grants her three wishes, she will show him her “pot of gold.”

“Does that mean what I think it means?” 

Now, I suspect,  is supposed to mean her . . . um . . . Happy Place.  However, knowing Brittany, could actually just mean her favorite  . . . gold pot . . . or some really quality reefer.  Nonetheless, this is a risk Mr. Leprechaun is willing to take.  In fact, he even sings about it, performing a rendition of “It’s Not Easy Wanting to Bone Brittany Being Green.”

It was all right, I guess.  But I liked it better when THIS guy sang it.

Brittany’s first wish is to have a box of Lucky Charms made entirely of marshmallows . . . a wish that Rory the Leprechaun can grant easily enough, because . . . you know .  . . he and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun go WAY back.

Magically delicious! 

Her second wish is a bit more tricky.  She wants her pet cat to poop chocolate.  (Doesn’t everybody?)  Rory cleverly uses a bit of trickery (and some Baby Ruth bars) to satisfy this second wish.  And then he and Brittany “eat the poop” together.

OK . .  . now that’s just gross.

Santana uses up Brittany’s third wish, to get her to quit the Glee club, and join Shelby Corcoran’s all-girl singing group, the Troubletones, which, up until this week, only featured Mercedes and the tone-deaf, Sugar.  However, it recently added the ever-fed up with her lack of solos, Santana to its roster.  Brittany is clearly upset with her girly girl’s choice of wish.

Source

But, far be it for her to disobey a leprechaun . . .

What really seals the deal though is Finn’s absolutely MORONIC attempt to get Brittany back onto New Directions, upon hearing from his new “friend,” Rory, what Santana has done.  “You are an idiot,” Finn tells Brittany.

Uh oh!  Finn, we all know what happened to ARTIE, when HE called Brittany stupid.

So, yeah . . . off she goes to join the Troubletones.

Once there,  Brittany and the rest of the group dress up like Old-Fashioned USO girls, and sing Christina Aquilera’s “Candyman.”  There performance is undoubtedly something the old hardass Vocal Adrenaline coach, Shelby Corcoran would have hated.  But, since Shelby is a completely different character now a mom now, who’s a bit more kind-hearted, when it comes to these things, she loves it.

MORE stupid hats . . . I can’t believe it! 

Later,  when Finn comes to apologize to Brittany for calling her an idiot, Rory reminds Brittany that he has now granted HER three wishes, since Finn is now totally cool with her leaving New Directions.  Recognizing that Finn is not REALLY happy at all, and is just putting on a brave face, Brittany comes to the sudden realization that (horror of horrors) leprechauns aren’t real.

Ruh roh!  It looks like Rory’s days of digging through Brittany’s Pot of Gold are over, before they even started . . .

But hey!  At least now he can stop wearing green, switch to McKinley high’s token color, red, and . . . wait for it . . . join New Directions.

Source

 They even let him sing a song to welcome himself to the gang, “Take Care of Yourself.”  I thought it was just OK, but Rachel apparently thought it was “magically delicious.” Go figure . . .

Elsewhere in school . . .

How to Quiet Your Baby (and satisfy your cougar)

Quinn commandeers Puck in her villainous plan to get Shelby to lose custody of Baby Beth, so that she can get her back, and have something else to look forward to in her future, aside from being really, really pretty for the next 15 to 20 years.

Source

Man, I miss Goth Quinn.

At least she had cool hair, fun minions (the Skanks), and an ironic Ryan Seacrest Tattoo . . . Psycho Killer / Baby Napper Quinn just bugs me.  (But I really like her wardrobe!) 

I mean, how exactly do you redeem a character from a horrible arc like this, aside from giving her a Life Altering / Brush with Death experience?  In other words, if I were Quinn I wouldn’t be (1) going to the doctor; (2) getting into a car; (3) or pretty much leaving the house at all for the rest of the season.  Just sayin’ . . .

The plan begins, cleverly enough, with Puck and Quinn buying Shelby some concealer, and subtly telling her she looks like crap, because she’s been spending too many late nights with the baby.  The pair then offer to babysit, and give her the night off.

Shelby complies, and, while she’s away, Quinn starts planting all this Bad for Baby crap in her house.  She doesn’t go so far as to get Beth taken away from Shelby, but not for lack of trying.  In fact, she even calls child services on the Glee club teacher’s ass, but they are conveniently “backlogged,” and can’t do anything about the alleged child abuse.  (Nice, right?)

Cut to Shelby getting Puck a pool cleaning gig, and Puck feeling super guilty about how he helped Quinn ruin Shelby.  So, Puck visits the teacher’s house to remove all the Bad for Baby Items planted therein.  Once he’s done with that, Puck and Shelby share a moment, over how terribly lonely being a single mother can be. *gag, snort, puke*  When Beth starts throwing a temper tantrum, Puck immediately makes her stop crying, by singing a bad 80’s song, “Waiting for a Girl Like You,” which he accompanies on his guitar.

Clearly, Beth has lousy taste in music . . . But, then again, so does Shelby, because she’s looking at Puck now, like she wants to swallow him whole.  Puck takes advantage of this “sure to help me get laid” moment, by grabbing Shelby’s hand,  looking deeply into her eyes, and telling her that he will be there for her, whenever she needs him . . . always.

Shelby must buy it, hook, line, and sinker, because, at the end of the episode, the pair makeout.

Source

(SUCKER!)

Ahhh .  . . just what prime time television needs, yet another, vaguely inappropriate student-teacher relationship, in which the actor who plays the student is only actually a few years younger than the actor who plays the teacher, and actually looks about the same age as her or him.  We’ve never seen that before.  No sir!

And that was “Pot O’Gold” in a nutshell.  So, tell me, my fellow Gleeks.  What did you think of the episode?  Are you already a Rory fan, or do you, like Santana, wish that he would just “do everybody a favor and disappear?”

Are you shipping Shelby and Puck?  Do you wish Lord Tubbington stopped smoking?  Are you digging the Troubletones?  And finally, where do you think I could get a ridiculous hat, like the one Blaine was wearing in his performance of “Last Friday Night?”

Source

Speaking of Blaine, next week, it seems like he will cash in Kurt’s V-card, while Finn cashes in Rachel’s (though hopefully not at the same time, or in the same room, because that would just be weird).

“Like a Virgin?”  NOT ANYMORE!

You can check out the promo for The First Time,” here:

(That’s funny . . . I’ve always suspected that Finn was terrible in bed.  As it turns out, I’m right.  Go figure!)

Until next time, Gleeks!

[www,juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

I LOVE YOU, MIKE CHANG! – A Recap of Glee’s “Asian F”

[ (Mildly) Important Note About the The Vampire Diaries Recap for “Disturbing Behavior”:  Hey Folks!  I suspect some of you might be scouring the home page in search of my most recent TVD recap.  All I can say is, IT’S COMING!  I was feeling a bit under the weather last night, and decided it would be best to publish a thorough recap a bit late, rather than publish a shoddy recap on time.  I promise to make it up to you, by adding plenty of extra yummy pics and GIFS into the mix! 😉  I hope you can forgive me.  The recap should be up by early this evening (probably 8 or 9ish) Eastern Standard time.  See you then, Fangbangers!]

Source

Would it be inappropriate for me to ask you to have my babies?  It would?  Well, could you just flash your abs at me then?

Oh, dear, sweet, Mike Chang.  You started off Season 1 as the Mysterious, Possibly Mute, Dancing Guy . . .  a guy who . . . except for during the instrumental portion of songs . . . remained largely in the background.  Then came Season 2, and our introduction to those glorious specimens of nature known as YOUR ABS.

You started dating Tina . . . and we started taking notice . . . but mostly just of your midsection.

Yes, I pasted the Abs Picture again . . . just in case you forgot what they looked like, when I pasted them two sentences ago.  You got a problem with that? 

But, now Season 3 is here . . . . Asian F has aired . . . and though it would be illegal in many states, I suspect there are many women out there, over legal drinking age, who would very much like to “Asian F” you, if  you catch my drift. 😉

So, strap on those dancing shoes, because this ode to New Directions most woefully under-appreciated club members is about to begin . . .

Finn is happy . . .

And so is his spirit animal . . .

Source

Be Cool, Mike Chang!

That’s right, Mike Chang!  You kick that poopyhead, Bad Influence Boyfriend!  You kick him HARD! 

Mike Chang’s dad is mad as hell.  And he’s not going to take it anymore!

“This is my mad face, which, coincidentally, is not all that different from my happy face.  Emotions are for losers . . . and people who score A minuses on their high school exams.” 

His son is on a path toward destruction!  He’s dating a vampire . . . well, at least someone who sometimes dresses like one!

Damon Salvatore finds this extremely insulting . . . 

He’s in GLEE CLUB.  And worst of all, he took a chemistry test, and received an A minus . . . an ASIAN F!  At this rate, Mike will NEVER get into Harvard!

Oh, the horror! 

Papa Chang thinks Mike might be ON DRUGS  . . . and begs Principal Figgins to force him to submit to drug tests each week.  He also wants him to . . . wait for it . . . QUIT GLEE CLUB. (NOOOOOOOOOO!)

Poor Mike!  He’s horrified of the idea of losing the part of his life, that he values most.  He promises his dad that he will do better . . . pay for a chemistry tutor, and never Asian F again (Well, at least not THAT kind of Asian F.)

Source

But the problem, of course, is that Mike has A LOT on his plate right now.  He’s going to Glee club practice.  He’s spending extra hours at the school helping Mr. Schue run Booty Camp.  He’s on the football team.  He’s teaching the football team to dance, as part of Coach Beiste’s requirement that they all audition for the school play.

And, perhaps, most importantly (for purposes of this episode, anyway) Mike has decided to audition for the role of Riff in the school’s production of West Side Story.  It’s a dancing part, of course.  But it’s also . . . wait for it . . . a singing part.  And we all know that singing isn’t necessarily a talent that comes naturally to Mike Chang . . .

“I’m really good at sex though.” 

Will Mike be able to juggle it all, while earning straight A’s (NOT A minuses!), AND earn the role of his dreams?  Mike decides to dance on it.  In what was my opinion, the most moving part of the episode, Mike heads alone to the dance studio rips off his shirt, to reveal a super tight, arms bearing tank top (but no abs, unfortunately), and dances his frustrations, hopes and dreams in total and complete silence.

Source

*insert stripper music, and lewd whistles here*

Then, he has imaginary conversations, both with his father — who values scholastic achievement above all else — and his girlfriend — who encourages his passion for dance, and the arts.  Bolstered by the power he gets from his dancing, Mike finally feels capable of unburdening himself, and telling the two people he admires most, exactly how he feels . . . Well, technically, he only does it in his mind .  . . but it’s certainly a start . .  .

Source

Damn straight, Tina!

And though Mike has been double booked (He is supposed to be learning chemistry right now), our hero, though a bit late, DOES, ultimately decide to audition for the role of Riff.  He does so, with one of the character’s token solos, a toe-tapping, finger-snapping number entitled “Cool,” which showcases both his trademark dance moves, and his raspy, yet surprisingly sexy, singing voice.

Source

“Yeah . . . I know . . . I’m awesome.  You totally want to get with this.”

Accompanying him on his audition are some pretty goofy-looking dancing football players.  (So, now we know where Mike has slacked.)

“OK guys . . . you just keep doing the hokey pokey.  And I swear, nobody is going to ever find out that I never actually taught you to dance.”

But hey, nobody’s perfect . . .

After the audition, Mike returns to the comfort of the dance studio.  It is there where he encounters his mother.  Upon noticing that he had missed his appointment with his chemistry tutor, she had arrived at the school to make sure he was OK.  UH OH!  Busted!

Tired of hiding his true self, Mike finally comes clean to his mother.  He doesn’t want to be a doctor, engineer or astrophysicist, when he grows up.  Wait for it . . . Mike wants to be . . . a professional dancer.  The notion that Mike would end up coming clean to someone in his family about his true desires was not necessarily shocking or unexpected.  What WAS shocking, however, was his mother’s response.

Mike’s mother admits that she was not as courageous as her son was, and gave up her own dreams to do what was expected of her.  She does not want that for her son.  And so Mike’s mother promises to support Mike’s dreams.  “But what about Papa Chang?”  You might ask.

“When you get the part [of Riff], we will tell him together,” Mama Chang tells her son.

Source

“OK . . . cool, now while I have you here.  I guess it’s also time I told you that I’ve fallen in love with a TV Recapper . . .”

And just in case you weren’t already reaching for the Kleenex at this point in the scene, there’s more!  Mike asks his mother what dream SHE gave up during her childhood.  As it turns out, she too wanted to be a dancer, but never had the wherewithal to take lessons.  “Well, I’ve been told that I’m a pretty good teacher unless you are a football player,” says Mike.

Then .  . . wait for it . . . he SLOW DANCES WITH HIS MOM!

Source

All together now . . . AWWWWW!

“I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face.” 

But Mike wasn’t the only Gleek dancing his way to  success and satisfaction this week . . .

Brittany Runs the World (well . . . at least the gym)

I’ve decided I want to be Brittany S. Pearce for Halloween this year, and use the outfit she’s wearing here as my costume .  . . Now, if only the costume came with her legs . . . 

I told you Brittany is running for class president, last week, didn’t I?  What I didn’t tell you is that she’s running a ROCKING CAMPAIGN, one based on the notion that the student council, up to this point, has been a predominately Man’s World.  And this, in her opinion is why the “economy” of the school is going down the toilet . . . I’m sorry.  I mean, the “magical poop-stealing water chair.”

Give me back my poop, B*tch! 

So, the usually daft Brittany, in a rare show of genius, plans an all-female flash mob that begins in the halls of McKinley High, and ends in the school gym.

Source

And you know the darn thing is a unanimous success, when you see the faculty (even Sue Sylvester!) doing their own nerdy chair-dances, as they watch her boogie down . . .

Source

Speaking of (slightly nerdy) teachers . . .

More Adventures in Bad Parenting (Emma Pillsbury Edition)

Source

Have you ever wondered why Emma Pillsbury is . . . the way she is?  You know . . . perpetually virginal, scared of her own shadow, and OCD-tastic?

Well, Will kind of wants to know too.  After all, he would eventually like to marry this girl, and maybe even (GASP) actually bone her.

(Welcome to the ONLY man in the world, who doesn’t appear the least bit freaked out by his girlfriend’s Secret Wedding Magazine stash.   And this is despite his having, pretty much, the WORST FIRST WIFE EVER!).

Two Words:  Fake . . . Pregnancy.

In furtherance of his ultimate dual goal of getting both married and laid, Will requests to be introduced to Emma’s parents.  The Schue undoubtedly knows from experience that the mere asking of this question sometimes has the result of causing marriage-intent women’s panties to immediately fly off their bodies, at warp speed.  But Emma is not one of those women.  In fact, she is SO dead set against this idea, that she lies and claims that her parents are DEAD, despite Will having HEARD her talk to them on the phone the night before.

“They are ghosts.  I have ghost parents,” Emma offers feebly.

Will is crushed.  He’s convinced that Emma doesn’t want him to meet her parents, because she’s ASHAMED OF Will, his freakish hair, odd attachment to underage girls and boys, teacher’s salary, and inability to say, “Have Mercyyyyy,” like that guy from Full House.

Remember him? 

Will turns to Beiste for help with his quandary, but she is too enamored with her MASSIVE BOWL OF CREAMY DISGUSTING PASTA to offer much in the way of advice.

Source

“We deliver!”

However, in between mouthfuls of mush, she does manage to tell Will that he’s dreamy, and a catch, and should INTRODUCE HIMSELF TO EMMA’S PARENTS . . .

Wait . . . WHAT?!

Oh, no Will . . . no, no no!  Just say NO!  Hasn’t being on this show for three seasons taught you that 9 out of 10 parents on Glee (and on most teen shows, for that matter) are ASSHATS and weirdos?

(Kurt’s dad and stepmom, and Mike’s mom, so far, seem to be the only exceptions to this rule.)

But Will doesn’t listen to my screams at the television.  And why should he?  He’s a MORON! He’s stubborn.

“Moi?”

So, Will invites Emma’s parents to his house on a night when he and Emma are SUPPOSED to be having a Romantic Dinner.  (Really Will?  And you think this is going to HELP you get laid?)  Emma is mortified, and pleads with Will to put an end to these shenanigans, ASAP.  So, Will asks HER, “Are you ashamed of me?”

(She’s not, Will.  BUT I AM!)

Emma then admits what most of us have probably known all along.  Emma isn’t ashamed of Will at all.  She’s ashamed of HER parents.  And here’s why:  One of them was on the show, Happy Days.  They are . . . wait for it . . . GINGER SUPREMACISTS.

Huh?

I know weird right . . . of all the strange deviant things the writers could have come up with for Emma’s parents, THIS is what they choose?  People who hate those who don’t have red hair?  SERIOUSLY?  Oh, and they are emotionally abusive too, which helps add some poignancy to the plotline but not much..

Well, they certainly LOOK evil . . .

All snarkery aside, when Emma’s mom, mocked Emma’s incessant silverware cleaning at the table, by calling her “Freaky Deaky,” and telling the rest of the table that she has a “case of the Cleanies,” you could tell just how much it tore Emma apart.  Kudos to Jayma Mays for adding some real legitimacy and depth, to what could have been a REALLY ridiculous story, with her impressive acting ability.  My heart really went out to Emma in this scene.

Source

And Will too, creepy as he may be, most of the time won some major points from me for standing up to Emma’s parents, calling them out on their racism, and emotionally abusive treatment of their daughter.  He also, more or less told them that Emma is a wonderful human being, OCD and all.

Later that night, Will finds Emma frantically rubbing her hands together compulsively before bed.  It is clear that Emma’s recent run-in with the parental units has made her OCD that much worse.  Will, of course, feels incredibly guilty (AS HE SHOULD!)  And though not a particularly religious man, he kneels down to pray with Emma, when she admits that doing so gives her comfort at her most out of control moments.

WILL: “Dear Lord, please allow me to have sex again, before I’m old enough to require a little blue pill to help me get it up.” 

And its a sweet, quiet scene . . . until Will starts singing Coldplay’s Fix You, which, though well intentioned, could be interpreted as a bit condescending, not to mention kind of contrary to the notion of Will loving Emma, exactly as she is.

I mean, yeah, Emma’s is clearly uncomfortable with her condition, and it prevents her from HAVING AWESOME SEX making the most of her life.  But still, in light of what just happened, wouldn’t it have been nicer for Will to sing something a bit more comforting?  I know, the Glee cast has already covered Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are.”  But hey, Billy Joel sang a song with that title too!

Also, I never particularly cared for Will’s “falsetto voice.”  The songs he sings on a lower register tend to be a bit less  . . . how do I put this kindly . . . annoying.  (For example, his renditions of “Tell Me Something Good,” and “Bust a Move,” remain some of my favorite Glee singles.  His version of “Kiss” by Prince . . . not so much.)  Other than that . . . um . . .  GREAT SONG!

Meanwhile, back at school .  . .

Divas Never Win (And Winners Never Diva)

“Remember when I used to be the most well-liked girl in Glee club . . . That was nice while it lasted.” 

Mercedes new Bad Influence Boyfriend, Shane, has been Lady Macbeth-ing her to shun all her friends, in pursuit of the role of Maria in West Side Story.  He puffs up Mercedes head with a lot of hot air, by telling her that the Glee club doesn’t appreciate her talents.

I couldn’t help but notice that both Mercedes and Bad Influence Boyfriend are eating tater tots in this scene.  Ahhh . . . memories. 

And that she is more like the part Beyonce played in Dreamgirls, even though she thinks of herself as the part Jennifer Hudson played.  (Umm . . . Shane . . . wait . . . wasn’t Jennifer Hudson the STAR of Dreamgirls?  Didn’t she WIN AN OSCAR FOR IT?  And wasn’t her character supposed to be . . . THE BEST SINGER IN THE GROUP?)

I mean, I get it . . . Effie in dreamgirls was a character whose talent her producers and bandmates didn’t appreciate, due to her weight . . . but still, BAD ANALOGY SHANE!  Oh, and maybe I’m stereotyping here.  But somehow I have difficulty envisioning this big burly football player going all gaga over the musical version of a chick flick . . . Just sayin’

Anywhoo, Mercedes has been a bit under the weather lately.  She is nauseous, weak, fatigued, and sore.  (Thank the lord, Amber Riley confirmed that her character is not preggars, because I REALLY can’t handle another BABY TALE!)  And because of this, she’s been a bit lax in her Glee practice and booty camp attendance.

So, of course, the increasingly screechy Will is quick to call her out on this fact at Booty Camp.  (Why is Will telling off his students becoming a weekly event on this show?)  If Mercedes expects to get support from her fellow Gleeks for her plight, she is sorely mistaken.  The recently returned to New Directions’ Santana (Mr. Schue’s candidate for screeching in Episode 1), is quick to call Mercedes out on her “laziness,” and poor eating habits.

Source

(Read Santana’s lips in this GIF.   Doesn’t it kind of look like she’s telling Mercedes to f*&k off?)

Tired of being (what she considers) picked on by her friends and supposed mentor, and bolstered by Bad Influence Boyfriend, Mercedes chooses to sing the soulful song “Spotlight” for her Maria audition.

Her performance impresses all of the casting directors (Beiste, Emma and Artie) greatly.  And so Mercedes begins to believe she may have a shot at being the Beyonce character in Dreamgirls, after all!

Torn between casting Rachel or Mercedes in the role of Maria, the casting directors decide to hold . . . you guessed it  .  .  . a diva off to see which “Maria” is best for the part.

SURPRISE!

Feeling like she is destined to end up in the shadow of Rachel’s spotlight, once again, Mercedes acts out in Booty Camp class, when Will berates her for not being able to successfully perform the “Widowmaker” dance move.    She accuses Will of playing favorites with Rachel, at the rest of the club’s expense.

Will is so outraged by this accusation that he offers Mercedes an ultimatum: “Shape up, or you are out of the Glee club for good.”

These harsh words inspire Mercedes to have . . . you guessed it .  . . a Dreamgirls’ Dream Sequence, with Mercedes in the role of Effie, and the rest of the Glee Club members (sans Rachel), as .  . . well . . . slightly meaner and more flashily dressed versions of themselves, I guess.  The Dream Sequence — which is based on the scene in the movie, where Effie is kicked out of the Dreamgirls for her purportedly bad behavior, when, unbeknownst to everyone else in the group, she is only acting that way because she is pregnant — pretty much features the entire cast telling Mercedes off and ditching her ass to the tune of Dreamgirls‘ “It’s All Over.”

On the day of the Diva Off, a nervous Mercedes and Rachel stand at opposite ends of the stage, with their respective boyfriends waiting in the wings to offer them support.  The song they both sing is “Out Here on My Own,” from Fame.  And though the song is not necessarily my favorite, and sounds a bit too much like the recently performed “Spotlight,” for my taste, both contenders do an admirable job performing it, with Mercedes edging out Rachel ever-so-slightly, during the parts of the song that require belting.

“I am quite the belter . . .” 

(In a way, this song was custom-made for Mercedes’ deep sultry voice, and enviably powerful pipes, thereby putting the softer, sweeter-voiced Rachel at a distinct disadvantage.)

Sorry!  That’s just how I feel. 

Rachel comes out of the audition,  certain that she has lost the role to Mercedes.  Fearing that not having the lead in the school play will make getting into that fancy New York performing arts school she covets, near impossible, Rachel impulsively vies for another after school activity to put on her resume . . . coincidentally . . . or  not-so-coincidentally . . . it’s the same after-school activity for which Kurt is campaigning (who has recently graciously accepted his boyfriend’s decision to try out for the lead in the play as well, and is even surprisingly supportive of his decision).

Source

“Don’t worry.  I promise it’s not a gun.” 

Kurt is crushed that his bestie would betray him in this way Not to mention surprised.  I mean, don’t you have to be POPULAR to win class president.  Most of the school HATES Rachel!.   And he is not exactly shy about telling her exactly how she feels, ” —-”  Even Finn, who, himself is no stranger to selfish behavior, seems appalled by Rachel’s lack of sensitivity.   He doesn’t even know if he’s going to vote for her!  (And now she’s probably only going to get one vote . . . her own.)

Oops!

When it comes time to choose who gets to play Maria, the show’s casting directors (lamely) decide to cast BOTH women in the role, each person gets the part for a week.  Though frustrating from a plot perspective, it seems like a fair deal for both girls, and Rachel, for her part, accepts the offer fairly readily.   But NOT MERCEDES!  Recognizing that she probably had the better audition (a point about which Rachel doesn’t necessarily disagree), Mercedes becomes convinced that the directors cast both girls, in order to protect Rachel’s feelings.

Source

And so she THROWS A TEMPER TANTRUM, and quits the show ALTOGETHER .  . .

. . . thereby giving Rachel the part by default.

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!  Or maybe not . . . toward the end of the episode, Mercedes approaches the director of the virtually singer-less (save the tone deaf, Sugar Motta) SECOND school Glee club, Shelby Corcoran, of being admitted into HER club, where, by default she will undoubtedly become it’s version of Rachel Berry.

The power-hungry Rachel then decides to continue to run for class president ANYWAY, despite the fact that she now has FULL reigns to the lead in the School Play, and a solid chance of getting into the ollege of her dreams, while her “friend” Kurt is still struggling to find HIS ticket to admission.  (Yeah . . . she’s kind of a b*tch . . .)

“Ooh!  You’re so BAD!” 

And the part goes to . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we FINALLY get to see who got the parts in the West Side Story  musical.   And though, the results are not all that surprising (After all, for the most part, the only people we saw rehearse all got the parts for which they rehearsed), it was still uplifting to see the looks on those Gleeks faces when they learned their school play dreams had come true . . .

I loved seeing Kurt sweetly hug Blaine, upon seeing that he was rewarded the lead role of Tony.  (Kurt ended up landing the part of Officer Krupke . . .  not bad!)

Source

And Santana’s adorable little understated (but obviously thrilled) smile, upon seeing that she got the part of Anita, was countered with a HUGE EMBRACE by an ecstatic Brittany.  (Have I mentioned yet today how much I ADORE these two.)

Source

Mike Chang’s winning the role of Riff brought tears to my eyes for about the third time, during the hour.

Source

And Rachel’s win of the part of Maria, though bittersweet, was not entirely unexpected, or unwanted.

Source

(Remember when Blaine and Rachel drunk kissed last season, during the “Blame it On the Alcohol,” episode?  Oh yeah!  We are going to get some more of that!)

So, that was Glee, in a nutshell.  I must say, I share many Gleeks admiration for this touching, and well-acted episode, which I feel truly harkened back to the show’s Season 1, heydey.  Mercedes, Will, and Rachel kind of pissed me off, though . . .

“Et tu Recapper?”

Tune in next MONTH, when Quinn makes a play for Baby Beth, Puck makes a play for Shelby . . .

Source

 . . . and Mercedes and Santana shoot for ALTERNA-GLEE CLUB super-stardom.  You can check out the trailer for the next episode, which is entitled “Pot O’Gold,” here:

So, my Gleekies, what did you think of “Asian F?”  Was it all you hoped for in a Glee episode and more?  Or did you find it to be a bit overhyped?  Are you as much in love with Mike Chang  (and his abs) as I am?  Do you think Mercedes is a bigger diva than Rachel?  And, perhaps least importantly, which Glee kid do you think Mr. Schue is going to freak out on in Episode 4?

Source

Feel free to sound off in the comment section below.  And please,  take your time . . . we have a loooong hiatus ahead of us . . .

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

Show Me Your Horn, Baby! – A Recap of Glee’s “I Am Unicorn”

“Now, Brittany, I understand that sex sells.   But don’t you think that using a picture of me with a giant stick coming out of my head is a bit  . . . um . . . horn-y, for a high school campaign?” 

Greetings Gleeks!  This week’s episode was all about embracing who you are, and being yourself unless you are a goth-looking skank, or a bad-dancing mechanic, then this episode was about being someone more socially acceptable.  Though admittedly light on musical numbers (there were only three, and all of them were show tunes), “I Am Unicorn,” was filled with a ton of heart, a sh*tload of unicorns, and some REALLY, REALLY big horns . . .

“It’s not the size of your horn, but where you stick it how you use it that really matters.”

Let’s review, shall we?

Because I’ve Always Personally Been Curious About the Bathroom Habits of Mythical Creatures

 

It starts off just like any other morning at McKinley High.  Kurt is primping and prepping in front of his locker, and making googly eyes at the wallet-sized snapshot of Blaine that hangs therein, when Brittany arrives.  Brittany has great news.  Apparently, Kurt is the Biggest Unicorn in the entire SCHOOL!

What is a unicorn, you ask?  Well, according to Brittany, a unicorn is a horse who got a horn for doing a good deed.  Then, he poops out cotton candy, until his horn falls off, and becomes a zebra.  Wait . . . what?  Did I really just type that?

Source

Apparently, I did . . . 

As bizarre as this all sounds, in Brittany’s Little World, being told that you poop cotton candy is a compliment of the highest order!  Brittany is so impressed with Kurt’s individuality and ability to survive insurmountable odds, that she wishes to become his campaign manager for Student Council President.  Brittany believes that her popularity, coupled with the fact that she is kind of slutty, can help the Mythical Creature Kurt to win a ton of votes.

And so, she invites herself over to his house to go over poster ideas.  A skeptical Kurt asks Brittany why SHE didn’t want to run for Student Council herself.  To this, she responds that she’s not smart enough.

This made me sad . . . (almost sad enough to poop cotton candy).

Fortunately, I manage to restrain myself (and took some Immodium) for the sake of continuing this recap.

After school, Brittany heads over to Kurts house, to show him his new campaign posters.  And they are, pretty much, the most awesome campaign posters I have EVER SEEN!  And yet, one can’t help but notice that they have a bit of a “theme” to them . . .

Kurt, who is currently clad in his tight green henley shirt, and sailor’s cap, is just appalled by how “GAY” the posters are.  He says that he’d prefer a more neutral campaign poster, like THIS one . . .

Ummm . .  . Kurt?  I hate to break it to you, but your poster doesn’t exactly scream “I like to bang chicks,” either.  It also says “winning” on it, a word that has been forever ruined by Charlie Sheen . . . just sayin’. 

And besides Kurt, Brittany’s campaign strategy is AMAZING.  It involves giving everybody at school Big Pink Sparkly Glitter Bags with minature versions of Tinky Winky in them.  And who doesn’t love Tinky Winky?

Now THAT’S a teletubby who knows how to accessorize!

When Brittany (with Santana’s help) begins the process of putting her posters up all around school, Kurt freaks out and starts ripping them down (more on why later).  His ungrateful reaction stuns and deeply hurts Brittany, who now believes she has failed her precious unicorn.  That is until Santana comes to the rescue, with her surprisingly sweet, and heartfelt, pep talk.  (How adorable are these two?)

Source

Santana tells Brittany that her campaign is brilliant . . . that there is no one like her . . and that she IS the unicorn.

And what’s great about the speech, is that it’s so NOT the typical type of thing the usually-caustic Santana would say. But Brittany brings out a sort of protective, and almost maternal, kindness in Santana that few other people get the chance to see.

Plus, she’s right.  Those posters rock! And Kurt rose to the top of my Poopy List for denigrating them . . .

Take THAT
Hummel!

Speaking of maternal influences . . .

Two Glee Clubs (for the price of one), One Baby (for the price of hair dye)

“Awww . . . see that little piece of hair sticking up on the side?  That’s Baby’s first Mohawk!”

Did anyone else find it fishy that Shelby Corcoran, Vocal Adrenaline’s first coach, arrived at McKinley High to run a second Glee Club it doesn’t need, right around the time that Dustin Ghoulsby, Vocal Adrenaline’s second coach (a.k.a. the HOT one) . . .

 . . . was purportedly fired from his position, leaving New Direction’s main rival without a supervisor?  Here’s hoping this isn’t another one of those annoying Vocal Adrenaline SPY plotlines.  After all, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time such a thing has happened . . .

 . . . or the second, for that matter . . .

Anywhoo, just as many of us suspected, tone deaf, self-diagnosed Asperger’s sufferer, Sugar Motta, didn’t take being rejected by the New Directions lying down.  Instead, she had her daddy pay for the school to start a WHOLE NEW Glee club, one where she will be the star.

“And we shall call our selves ‘Mr. Motta’s Strangled Cats,’ because our unique sound will be similar to that of animals dying.’“

Nevermind the fact that NOBODY at McKinley High, save for the people ALREADY IN GLEE CLUB, have any interest in show choir (in fact, most of them HATE show choir . . . and want to throw slushees at it).  Also, nevermind the fact that McKinley High never seems to have any money for the after-school clubs it ALREADY has . . .

In Shelby’s defense, she doesn’t seem particularly interested in coaching show choir, at all.  She’d much rather spend her time flirting with Mr. Schue, apologizing for abandoning singing more random duets with her Bio Daughter, Rachel, and taunting Puck and Quinn with the baby they gave up for adoption this past year.

Nothing says, I’m sorry I crippled you with self-doubt, Daughter, by skipping town, right when we were starting to get close, like dramatically holding hands, during a musical number . . .

While I’m still not buying Shelby as being a warm and / or maternal individual, she IS a good musical coach.  And her advice to Rachel that she should sing West Side Story’s “Somewhere,” during her audition for the aforementioned play, as opposed to the well-worn, and, obnoxiously conceited (not to mention, Rachel already sang it in another episode) “I Feel Pretty,” was solid.  I also feel like this duet was WAY more story- appropriate, and pleasing to the ears, than that admittedly bizarre duet that the mother/daughter duo did to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face,” during Shelby’s last appearance on the show . . .

You can listen to “Somewhere” in its entirety, by clicking below . . .

After possibly saving her biological daughter from a lifetime of therapy, Shelby schedules a visit with Puck and the now-skankified Quinn to discuss their possibly becoming a part of THEIR biological daughter’s life.

“Just because I now look like Frenchie from Grease, and have a ridiculous Minnie Mouse bow in my head, doesn’t mean you should keep me from seeing my child.” 

Shelby gives Puck and Quinn an ultimatum.  They can be part of their daughter’s life, provided they agree to look like they came out of a J Crew catalogue at all times.  (I know, I know, that wasn’t she said.  But I’m trying to prove a point here.)

Those of you who have read my Glee-caps before probably know that I’ve been SERIOUSLY missing my darling Puck-ster, ever since the odious Lauren Zizes hijacked his personality (and his balls), last season.

No comment. 

So, the fact that I was treated to a deliciously poignant Puck-centric scene this week, really did mean a lot to me.

Puck visits Shelby at her own home, so that his in-person pleas to be able to see his daughter Beth cannot be ignored.  “I’ll do anything to prove to you that I can be her life.  Please, just give me a chance,” Puck exclaims earnestly.  He even comes bearing some surprisingly impressive (It’s better than I can do, anyway) artwork for the child . . .

Who doesn’t love a good Clown Pig? 

Eventually, Puck’s surprising politeness, and adorableness crack Shelby’s hard facade.  She eventually lets Puck hold (and spend some quality time) with his daughter, with whom anyone could tell he is already enamored . . .

Now, Baby’s got a REAL Mohawk! 

As for Quinn, she’s busy helping the Skanks stuff small girls’ heads in toilets, so they can steal their lunch money  .  . .

Fun! 

New Congressional Hopeful, Sue, immediately recognizes Quinn’s estrangement from . . . well . .  . everything and everybody.  And so, she decides to explot her, in order to undermine Glee club, as per usual bolster her Congressional campaign.  Sue asks Quinn to star in her “The Arts Ate My Life” campaign promo.  And Quinn agrees, provided Sue puts couches under the bleachers, so that Quinn doesn’t have to strain her now emphyzema-filled ASS, while she’s busy trying to “be bad.”

“Doesn’t wearing a hat like that make your head sweat?”

No longer content to just shame Mr. Schue’s program, Sue has to go and humiliate Mr. Schue himself, by having Quinn confront him about how “Glee club ruined her life,” on video . . .

Though Sue’s manipulation of the situation is not particularly surprising, Mr. Schue’s reaction to the event definitely is . . .  He proceeds to scream right back in Quinn’s face, dishing her out some incredibly tough love about how she is basically a spoiled brat, who perpetually plays the Victim Card, whenever things don’t go her way.

Source

SING IT, Sista!

He also claims that she has no one to blame but herself for her own misfortune.  (Well . . . in Quinn’s defense, that’s not entirely true.  Quinn’s teenage pregnancy was also Puck’s fault . . .at least a little bit. After all, eggs alone do not a baby make, right?)

They do make for a mean omlette though . . .

The harsh speech definitely has its intended effect on Quinn, who runs out of the room in tears, declining to complete the promotional spot.  However, a real change in the character doesn’t occur until SHE, like Puck before her, visits Shelby in her classroom, to talk about the possibility of HER seeing Beth . . .

*sniffle, sniffle* “I’ve just got all these FEELINGS!” 

 Shelby is mildly sympathetic to her plight (after all, she apparently, also had a nervous breakdown and shaved her head after giving up Rachel).  “Stop punishing yourself for things you did when you were a child . . . er  . . . I mean . . last year . . . says Shelby, sympathetically.  However, the former Vocal Adrenaline coach is still not prepared to waver on this issue:  “No Pink Hair Bleachy Back to Blondie = No Baby.”

The next day, at Mr. Schue’s Mandatory Booty Dance Camp for Horrible Glee Club Dancers, (Hello Finn and Kurt) . . .

 . . . Mr. Schue has just completed teaching Finn the complex wonders of the box step, when Quinn enters the room.  Once again, she is clad in her “pure” white dress, and boring blonde hair, a.k.a. back to being the Stepford Wife everybody always wanted her to be . . .

Source

Quinn asks to be accepted back in Glee club.  And Mr. Schue, (who really was kind of an asshat to her anyway) “graciously” accepts.  Puck is in Bad Dancing Class too.  And he is looking at Quinn with stars in his eyes, thrilled that, he can once again begin boning someone, who isn’t as awful as Lauren Zizes . . . while wearing condoms, of course that the two of them will now be able to see their baby and become a part of her life . . . together.

BUT WAIT!  There’s a twist!

Apparently, Quinn’s meteoric “Return to Normalcy” (it took less than two episodes, after all . . . which is kind of disappointing, I must say) is not entirely for the reasons everybody thinks.  With a maniacal laugh, and bleached mustache twirl, a disturbingly determined Quinn reveals ot a horrified Puck that she is going to do whatever it takes to get full custody of Beth, even if it means having to give up her pre-existing spot in “Jem and the Holograms.” pretending that she’s NOT having a nervous breakdown . . ., which she most definitely is . . .

“Is this the part where your head starts spinning around and spewing out green stuff?” 

Meanwhile, elsewhere on campus . . .

The Perfect Camille (but not the perfect Tony)

“So, guys, how about that Packers game, last night?  That final play was really something, wasn’t it?  Did you notice how cute his butt looked in . . . oops .  . . I did it again, didn’t I?” 

McKinley High’s production of West Side Story will be produced by Emma Pillsbury, Coach Beiste (who eats an entire chicken at EVERY MEAL), Artie Abrams, and NOT MR. SCHUE .  . .

 . . . because he has to focus on winning Nationals . . .

Auditioning for roles in the play will be Kurt (of course), Mr. I-Have-Magically-Become-a-Junior-Even-Though-I-Started-The-Show-Older-Than-Kurt Blaine, and NOT FINN . . .

. . .  because he will be busy trying to become a less sucky dancer . . .

“You put your right foot in.  You put your right foot out.  You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.  You do the Hokey Pokey . . .”

 . . . and working at Burt Hummel’s car shop as a mechanic . . . which Rachel Berry is trying not to judge him for . . . but she TOTALLY is judging him . . . only because she thinks he is “better than that” and, therefore, should follow her around like a puppy dog in New York for the rest of his life, as she pursues her dream to become the next Barbara Streisand.

RACHEL: “If I have to hit you with this big stick thingy to get you to listen to reason, I will.”

FINN: “It’s called a tire iron.”

RACHEL: “Whatever, my on-staff chauffeur will be servicing my cars, when I grow up . . .” 

Kurt, for some reason, thinks that the perfect audition song for the role of a macho former-gang member / alpha male named Tony is a Barbara Streisand song, in which he calls himself the “perfect Camille,” prances around the stage in short pants, and flips around some monkey bar contraption like a female gymnast . . .

The song he performs is called, “The Greatest Star,” and you can watch his audition, in its entirety, here:

But then Kurt overhears the show’s directors and producers discussing how Kurt might not appear manly enough to play Tony.  So, he decides to remedy their opinion by GETTING INTO TIGHTS, AND ROLLING AROUND ON A MATTRESS WITH RACHEL BERRY, WHILE SPOUTING SHAKESPEARE MONOLOGUES ABOUT BIRDS?

The results of his second impromptu audition are unsatisfying to say the least.  (But, HILARIOUS!)

It’s Kurt’s devastating realization that he will never get to star in an action movie, or play the romantic lead in a movie about a pro wrestler . . . or a football player . . . or any male character that would feel out of place wearing a pink ascot, that makes him freak out on poor Brittany for pasting those Big Gay Posters, featuring a very horn-y Kurt throughout school . . .

That is, until, he has a talk with his Trusty Old Dad . . .

“Cue the Full House music son.   It’s time for the lesson of the day.” 

Burt tells Kurt, “SURPRISE!  You’re GAY!”

 

“Like . . . really gay  . . . like singing like Diana Ross and owning a Chocolate Factory, gay.”

“Excuse me, Burt.  Did you just call me, Willy Wonka, gay?  I’m NOT gay.  I just really like children and candy . . .  I might be a pedophile, though . . .”

Burt tells Kurt that, if he wants to be a star, he is going to have to chart his own career path, and create his own roles.  And to do this, he must embrace his Big Gay Unicorny self.  So, Kurt decides to do just that.

But it’s too late, because Brittany has already decided (thanks to Santana) that SHE’S a unicorn too.  And she’s going to run for Student Council President against Kurt.

 (And it seems pretty obvious that, mentally challenged or not, she’s TOTALLY going to kick his ass, so . . .)

But that’s OK!  Because, Kurt might still get the role of Tony.  After all,  there’s no one really talented enough to take the role in his place . . .

Well . . . there’s Blaine, but he wouldn’t audition for Tony.  After all, he’s a JUNIOR right?  And a junior wouldn’t want to step on a senior’s toes right?  RIGHT?

OK . . . OK . . . so Blaine’s rendition of “Something’s Coming,” a song that Tony (not someone named Camille) ACTUALLY sings in West Side Story, was pretty darn amazing.  And Blaine’s a pretty manly looking (and acting) guy . . .

 . . . well . . . at least when he wants to be!

But that doesn’t mean the producers are going to GIVE him the role of Tony over Kurt, does it?

Yeah, sorry Kurt!  You’re totally screwed . . .

Until next time, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Welcome Football Fans! – A Recap of Glee’s “The Sue Sylvester Shuffle”

Question:  What do Football, Fights, Zombies, Cannon Balls, and Flaming Boobs, have in common? 

If you answered that all of these things were included Glee‘s Post-Superbowl Extravaganza episode, to help the show appeal to male sports fans, you are ABSOLUTELY right! 

Interestingly enough, the change in target audience, did not at all seem to hamper the show’s quality.  In fact, dare I say, making Glee more “Boy Friendly,” may have actually improved it. 

I mean, sure, the episode was certainly not perfect.  It lacked cohesion, and certain scenes seemed to appear completely out of nowhere (I’m looking at YOU, “Bills, Bills, Bills”).  Yet, overall, it was a fun-filled hour, one who’s main theme — about football players risking their popularity to perform in Glee club — seemed to be a gentle, but deliberate, nod to the football fans who were watching.  And the message was clear:  “It’s OK, if you’re enjoying this.”

So, what are we waiting for, let’s get recapping!

Your Boobs are on FIRE (and Your Cannon has Fibromyalgia!)

We open on the Cheerios performing an obnoxiously over-produced, Half-Time show-esque, dance number to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls.”  During the number, the girls wore blue hair, as a homage to Katy herself.  They also wore pointed cones on their chests, as a homage to early 90’s Madonna (?).  From the girls’ Boob Cones, shot fiery sparklers (because boys like HOT boobs). 

 Behind the girls, were a few guys doing bike flips off a ramp.  Of course, no one was paying attention to them — no GUYS, anyway — because of the girls and their Flaming Boobs . . .

If Flaming Boobs aren’t exactly your thing, and you weren’t a fan of the opening number, you weren’t alone.  Because Sue Sylvester didn’t like it either, “I’m bored,” she whines into he megaphone, after the song wraps. 

(As if knowing that Sue is talking about them, upon hearing these words, the Flaming Boobs fizzle out, unceremoniously.)

Isn’t Becky a member of the Cheerios?  If so, why wasn’t she in this number?  Does anyone else find this vaguely offensive?

After that, Sue makes a not particularly funny joke that runs on WAY too long.  It involves (1) the benefits of stuffing one’s bra with chicken cutlets;  and (2) having cheerleaders intermittently hit one another in the face with them . . .

Chickens were NOT amused.

Quinn wisely notes that there was nothing necessarily wrong with the dance number.  Rather, Sue herself has simply become completely impossible to please.  And no matter how extravagant the Cheerios numbers become, she will continuously want to top herself.

Sue doesn’t entirely disagree with this statement  But that doesn’t mean she isn’t going to try and “improve” the Cheerios’ performance, in any way she can  And so, while watching a cartoon featuring someone getting shot out of a cannonball, our “favorite” Cheerleading Coach comes up with an idea . . .

She will shoot one of her Cheerios out of a cannon, during the Cheerleading Championships!  Specifically, THIS Cheerio . . .

“I don’t want to die yet . .  . at least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled next year,” Brittany whines, upon learning that she is the “lucky” human cannonball.

Hmmm . . . Brooke Davis didn’t like something I wrote above . . . Maybe it was those two words I crossed out . . .

Fortunately for Brittany, she gets a brief reprieve from certain death.  This is because Sue is willing to use a Brittany-looking doll for the “trial run.”

To Brittany’s horror, her Poor Unfortunate Doll Doppelganger gets blown to itty bitty bits of Blonde.  Seeing this undoubtedly makes Brittany wish she had chosen a show with a brighter future to measure her lifespan by . . . Two and a Half Men  American Idol one of the 500 different versions of Law and Order, perhaps?

When Sue learns that she will need Brittany’s consent in order to make her explode, the “kindly mentor” secures it by giving Brittany a “We miss you,” card, purportedly written by the cannon, in crayon, no less.  Later, Sue tells a still uncertain Brittany a sob story about how the cannon has two growing baby cannons at home, and one on the way.   (Mama Cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can’t work.) 

 Eventually, Brittany agrees to literally sign her life away on Sue’s Consent Form.  Of course, she signs using an “X” because she doesn’t know how to spell her name, apparently.  (Sometimes they go a bit too far with the whole “Brittany is dumb” thing.  Don’t you think?)

Jocks versus Gleeks, Take 252

It’s a tale as old as high school:  popular versus unpopular, jocks versus geeks, football players versus gleeks.  But at McKinley High, it’s way worse.  For one thing, half the Glee club is also on either the football team, or on the cheerleading squad.  This makes the school’s social hierarchy . . . confusing . . . to say the least.

“So we are Gleeks . . . and we are Footballers.  Does this mean we have to Slushee ourselves?”

Additionally, Slushees ruin clothing, which is a HUGE problem for the Cheerios and Football players, none of whom seem to own any other clothing aside from their probably VERY smelly uniforms . . . 

Up until this point, however, the McKinley High Football team has been able to limit their Gleeks versus Jocks rivalry to off the field.  However, when a fight erupts between Finn and Karofsky that spreads through the entire football team, causing them to LOSE their game, Coach Beiste knows that serious measures must be taken. 

And so, she turns to her new Kissing Buddy, Will Schuester, for help.

Will’s grand “Plan” involves Beiste requiring the entire football team to be part of Glee club for an entire week.  The non-Gleeky footballers, not surprisingly, balk at the idea.   Azimio for one, refuses to sing showtunes, because they were written by his “oppressors.”  

Realizing that a bit of persuasion will be needed to get the football players on board, Will invites Rachel and Puck to perform Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” for the now doubly large Glee Crew.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Puckleberry duets, and seeing Puck strum that guitar, while crooning softly to ANY song, is enough to make my toes curl.  But, honestly, considering the purpose of this duet was to convince a bunch of football players that Glee Club was cool, a slow romantic country ditty seems a particularly odd musical choice.  I mean, why didn’t they pick a song the football players would understand, like . . . say, “We are the Champions,” or “Eye of the Tiger,” or “We Will Rock You,”  or “Mama Said Knock You Out?”

Given the poor choice in song, I wasn’t too surprised when Azimio snarkily remarked that “The girl in the mohawk has a nice voice,” thereby prompting the entire Glee club and football team to erupt into a knock down dragout fight. 

“Oh, NO you didn’t just make fun of my AWESOME Mohawk?”

One GOOD thing that comes out if this brawl, is the reunion of former besties Puck and Finn, who decide to put aside their differences (and by “differences” I mean their tendency to swap Rachel and Quinn with one another, every other week like trading cards) and unite to promote unity amongst the football team and Glee club.  The bromantic buddies cement their partnership with a solid fist bump, of course.  (How very manly of them!)

Sue Sylvester is SCARY, and so are zombies . . .

It’s a good thing Finn and Puck decided to unite.  Because it looks like they are going to need all the help they can get!  When Principal Figgins balks at Sue’s decision to shoot Brittany out of cannon, she suddenly turns into The Hulk, and inexplicably starts throwing furniture around Mr. Figgins office, and later the gym locker room . . .

Will and the rest of the faculty begin to wonder whether Sue has finally gone off the deep end, for good.  But Sue stops throwing things around long enough to calmly explain to them, that she has moved the date of the cheerleading championships to the same day as the football championships.  This means, not only that the football team has no cheerleaders to perform its halftime show . . .

Shocking, I know . . .

 . . . but that Quinn, Santana and Brittany are once again forced to choose between Glee club and the Cheerios.  (Of course, if they attend the football game, according to Sue, they will be off the squad.)

Will comes up with the idea that the FOOTBALL players, who are honorary Glee club members this week, anyway, will perform their own halftime show, along with the rest of the Glee Club.  Coincidentally, this will NOT be the first time, the McKinley High Football players dance during a game.  Remember the whole “Put A Ring On It,” fiasco during Season 1?

Most of the football team would probably prefer that you forgot this.

What songs will the Gleeks / Footballers be performing THIS TIME you ask?  A Mashup between Michael Jackson’s Thriller and Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s “Heads Will Roll,” of course.

Did I mention that the crew will be going to do the entire performance dressed like Football-Playing Zombies?  (Oh yes, because in addition to being able to dance an entire music number, during the ONLY break they will have during a two-hour game, these footballers, are also, apparently, experts at the application of zombie makeup!)

Interestingly enough, this is how I look sometimes when I first wake up in the morning . . .

As for the Cheerios, sadly, Sue Sylvester bullies them into quitting the Glee Club, so that they can attend the cheerleading competition.

This causes Finn to want to lecture the girls about their Bad Life Choices, like the disappointed DAD he is.  It also prompts Quinn’s not-for-long!  beau Sam to rush to the girls’ defense.  In an attempt to stay relevent to this show Macauley Culkin also challenges Finn for the position of “unofficial” Glee Club leader.  Nice try, freshman! 

Honestly, the whole fight is contrived and ridiculously stupid.  But Quinn of course, who realizes the two men are REALLY fighting over her, finds the whole thing to be incredibly HOT . . .

“Now, if you guys would kindly take off your shirts and pants right now, I’d be SOO much happier!”

Pissing contests for Quinn’s affection aside, the footballers and the Gleeks begin to rehearse their half-time number.  And I’ll be darned if they don’t do a pretty great job at it.  Interestingly enough, it’s Gay Homophobic Bully Karofsky who shows the MOST musical talent of the footballers!  So much talent, in fact, that Will suggests that HE join Glee club, for real!

“Karofsky is AWE-SOME!”

To most fans surprise, Karofsky doesn’t actually seem to HATE the idea.  He even suggests that the Glee crew start off with a warm-up number, to ensure that the halftime show itself is absolutely perfect.  For the warm-up, the Glee kids choose the song “She’s Not There,” which was appropriately originally sung by a band called The Zombies.

Things take a bad turn, however, when, after performing this number, the FOOTBALL players get slusheed by . . . get this . . . the HOCKEY PLAYERS, who “cleverly” argue that the football team has just been “turned gay,” because they performed a musical number dressed as the undead.  (Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word “gay” uttered this many times in a single hour, since I watched that movie on Logo last week.)   Of couse, the “gay” accusation totally freaks out the footballers, particularly the ACTUALLY gay, Karofsky . . .

This unfortunate incident prompts the football players to REFUSE to perform at the Halftime show, even though doing so will mean that they can’t participate in the Championship Game.  (LOSERS!)  Suddenly, the football team is at risk of forfeiting the game, due to not having enough players to compete.  Coach Beiste tries to recruit new players from the rest of the school.  However, no one seems interested in crossing the Homophobe Picket Line.

And We Are Singing About “Bills” Now, Because . . .

And it is when we are our darkest hour at McKinley High, that the producers decide to inexplicably cut to Dalton Academy.   There, in the EXACT SAME LOUNGE where we shoot ALL of our Dalton Academy Scenes, as always, Blaine is singing solo, and the rest of silent Warblers, Kurt included, are dancing around him like the faceless, personality-less minions / disciples they are  . . . 

(Oh, Kurt!  I know you want in this guy’s pants.  But you can’t honestly say that his Diva Theatrics don’t piss you off, just the slightest bit?  Especially after he waxed poetic about how everybody was part of a TEAM at this school.  The Kurt I know would NEVER accept this kind of treatment!  No matter how sexy it’s source!)

So, anyway, in typical Warblers fashion, the group dances uncomfortably around Blaine, as he croons Destiny’s Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills.”  Not only does the song sound REALLY awkward coming from a bunch of dudes, it also seems completely out of context in this football / zombie-themed episode.  On a positive note, Darren Criss’/ Blaine’s singing is pretty solid, making what would be a pretty annoying song, actually fairly palatable.

But don’t take my word for it.  See for yourself: 

 After their “song practice” Blaine and his loyal puppy dog, Kurt, head out to lunch with new gal pals, Mercedes and Rachel, who, in light of recent events, are MAJORLY depressed about the state of their Glee club, and football team . . .

I was more than a bit worried about Kurt applying for Stepford Hubby status, when he asserted that “We [i.e. Blaine and I] love football.”  However, when he qualified that “Blaine loves football.  I love scarfs”  I felt a bit better.

As it turns out, though, Blaine actually DOES like football! 

“Who knew?”

In fact, Blaine’s vast knowledge of pigskin (no pun intended) actually ends up coming in quite handy, when he informs Rachel of precisely how many football players are needed in order not to forfeit a game.  This gives Rachel an idea.  THE GLEE GIRLS CAN PLAY FOOTBALL!  (Or, rather, they can lie down on the field, while the guys play, so they don’t get disqualified.  How’s THAT for femisist rights!) 

Let’s Hear it for the GIRLS!

Though reluctant at first, the remaining footballers ultimately agree to Rachel’s suggestion . . .

Though the girls initially planned on just LAYING on the field the whole time, a couple of them, actually ended up HELPING the team!  For example, Lauren Zizes, with her WRESTLING background, had sheer force and intimidation on her side, making her a WAY more frightening football player than most of the guys she played alongside . . .

Now THAT is seriously scary!

But it was Tina Cohen Chang who REALLY shocked her teammates, by running nearly half the field, before being very roughly sacked by a member of the opposing team.  Though her beau, Mike, was obviously extremely concerned for her well-being, as she lay on the field unconscious . . .

“Sh*&t!”

 . . . he needn’t have worried.   Because, within just a few moments, Tina was up and mumbling, “Did we win yet?”

Tina was ultimately carried off the field, a True Hero!  (Now that’s some SERIOUS girl power!  I knew you wouldn’t let me down, Glee!)

Tina’s and Lauren’s surprisingly extraordinary footballer skills aside, the team was still losing miserably, just moments before halftime.   And so, temporarily putting Sam in charge of the team, Finn and Puck decide to salvage the rest of the game, by convincing the rest of the football players, as well as cheerleaders Quinn, Santana, and Brittany, to participate in the halftime show.  Finn worked on the cheerleaders, managing to grab them, just moments before they went on the bus toward the competition. 

Speaking quickly, he told the girls mostly stuff they already knew.  Namely, (1) Sue Sylvester doesn’t really care about them, and is typically mean to them;  (2) that she doesn’t care if Brittany DIES; and (3) that the girls are strong enough to withstand the miniscule popularity decrease they might suffer from not being cheerleaders anymore; (4) it’s hightime they wore something other than those stupid uniforms, for a change.  The girls agree because that’s what the plot requires hem to do, and jointly tell Sue that they are quitting the Cheerios. 

 “You are all my stars!  If you leave, I will have no performance,” Sue notes, admitting for the first time just how important these girls are to her success.

“Sucks for you,” snaps back Quinn, as the trio follows Finn back toward the football field.

Predictability aside, it was great scene.  And, I’m not going to lie.  Watching it, made me do something like THIS . . .

Karofsky For the WIN!  (well . . . almost)

As for Puck, he had NEARLY as much luck with the football players, ultimately getting all of them, except for Karofsky, to suit up and participate in the halftime show, which TOTALLY rocked, by the way . . .

The performance was SO rousing in fact, that Karofsky eventually sucked up his pride, and joined in mid-song.  He didn’t have any zombie makeup on of course, but it was still pretty awesome.

You can LISTEN to the song here:

After Beiste gives the rest of the football team the OK to compete, they go on to WIN THE GAME . . .

 .  . . but only because the team’s SCARY zombie makeup, and creepy repetitive chanting of “BRRAAAAAIIIINS,” freaks the crap out of the opposing team.  Nothing like playing FAIR, right?

Of course, my favorite part of all of it, had to be when one of the kids on the other team started screaming, “He bit me!  That zombie kid bit me!”  (Now THAT was hilarious!)

Lest you think Karofsky’s about to run out and join the Glee team, after that one rousing performance . . . think again!

“Why would I want to change?  I’m on top now,” asserts Karofsky, when Finn gives him his formal Gleek invitation (provided he head over to Dalton and personally apologize to Kurt, first, of course). 

Note: A  lot of fans were annoyed by this.  But I personally thought it was the right move, on the part of the writers.  For Karofsky to morph from Evil Homophobic Bully to Proud Glee Club star, in a single episode, would be completely unrealistic, in my opinion.  Not to mention, I doubt the rest of the Glee Club would accept him into their circle so easily, after what he did to Kurt — nor SHOULD THEY! 

The mere thought of it makes me weepy . . .

That being said, I do think the Karofsky character is on the path toward redemption.  And I’m very eager to see where his arc goes.  Right now, Karofsky is probably one of the most complex characters on this show.

Finn may not have had that much luck with Karofsky, but he did WAY better with Quinn, who, despite dating Macauley Culkin’s twin Sam for the past few episodes, spent the entire hour eye f*&king Finn.  She then concluded the episod,  by planting a fat wet one on his lips, right in the center of the school hallway . . .

Whatever Finn’s feelings for the recently dumped Rachel might be, you could tell that our resident Alpha Male was TRULY effected by Quinn’s kiss.  Note how the Smitten Boy kept his eyes closed for a full three seconds after she tongued him, as if not wanting his Wet Dream to end!  Now, whatever your couple loyalties are on this show, you have to admit, it was kind of adorable . . .

And given that this coming Tuesday is the show’s Valentine’s Day episode, we can be sure that this won’t be the last we will hear about that game-changing kiss.

Awww, don’t feel left out, Puck!  I’ll totally make out with YOU!

And that was Glee’s Super Bowl Spectacular.  Did you watch?  If so, what did you think?  Did you find the placement of “Bills, Bills, Bills” as awkward an unnecessary as I did?  Are you a fan of this sort-of new and improved Karofsky?  Are you on Team Fuinn?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section, below!

[www.juliekushner.com]