Tag Archives: Rachel Bilson

Gossip Girl is DEAD . . . and a Donut?! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s SERIES Finale

baby bass

“I’m Mini Bass.”

My dear GGers.  I know I’ve been a bit remiss this season about recapping the trials and tribulations of our favorite Upper East Siders.  (OK . . . I haven’t recapped them at all.)

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However, seeing as Gossip Girl uttered her final XOXO earlier this week, I felt I couldn’t possibly bid the series a fond adieu, without at least offering up some final words .  . . consider it a eulogy, of sorts.

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In which Bart Bass proves that Evil Old Men can fly . .  . and die.

YOLO my ass

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Here’s a philosophical question for you. If a man falls from the roof of a heavily populated skyscraper, onto a busy street, and no one sees him go splat (or is squashed by him), did it really happen?

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Last week, we all laughed inappropriately at the sight of Chuck Bass battling his Big Bad Dad on the roof, as “SCARY” Music swelled awkwardly in the background.  We marveled at how a single push from Chuck, who, let’s face it, has never exactly been the athletic type . . .

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Bass-ketball, anyone?

. . . was enough to send NotDonaldTrump soaring over the side of the skyscraper, like an inept super villain in the final pages of a comic book.

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“Just hanging out . . .”

Then, we giggled as Blair and Chuck did all but throw the man a Going Away Party as the Big Bass-tard plummeted to his death.

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Hey, that was actually kind of fun to watch.  Let’s see that again . . .

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I know.  I’m a terrible person.  Moving on . . .

Perhaps, all the hot air that filled Bart Bass’s head facilitated a surprisingly smooth landing.  Because, not only did the real estate magnate’s dive-bombing body not cause ANY damage whatsoever to the streets below, the sheet that is now covering it is conspicuously free of blood.  Talk about a classy way to go!  Then again, Bart Bass is what some would call an Expert Die-r.  He’s done this before . . .

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Reporters are now on the scene.  And police are questioning everyone on the Upper East Side, even going as far as to stop limos leaving the party where Bart Bass was last seen.  Of course, they are only checking the back seats of those limos . . . not the trunks.  After all, why would someone who just committed murder hide away in the trunk of a car?  That would be silly!

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Possible conception spot for Henry Bass?

Yes, boys and girls, Chuck and Blair are ON THE LAM!  (I’ve always wanted to say that.)

They’ve turned themselves into a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde.  You know how I know?  Because the song playing in the background on Gossip Girl says so!

In which everyone finds out Bart Bass is dead, and Chuck is a suspect, except . . . you know . . . THE GUY WHO OWNS THE NEWSPAPER!

Oh dear sweet Nate, with your permanently glassy (but still very pretty) blue eyes from a decade of pot smoking ./ . . and your equal opportunity boning of tweens and cougars alike . . . you must seriously be the WORST NEWSPAPER MAN EVER!  OK . . . OK, I know you are dating a 17-year old.  And she probably told you that using pretty-colored handwritten index cards to study once helped her earn a B+ on a very hard exam about the Civil War.  But seriously?  This is how you choose to solve the mystery of Gossip Girl’s identity?  No wonder it took you five years!

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Also, hey I majored in journalism   write a blog  watched Newsroom a few times on HBO!  I know that all major news outlets get blasts on the wire, before everybody else.  Not Nate though.  He has to get a call from Ivy/Charlie/CallMeSerena telling him to turn on the television, where Bart’s death has made prime time.  Nate Archibald, you’ve just been scooped . . . again.

I like how uniformly uncooperative the rest of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, and their respective parental units, are when the police come snooping around for C and B, especially since it seems like most of them are 100% certain their friends / children are guilty of murder.  Now that’s what I call true friendship.  If I had to choose a favorite brush-off of the po-po, however, I’d probably have to go with Nate.  I mean, it takes a real true blue friend to tell a cop.  “Yes, there’s a rather young looking woman in my bedroom.  And yes, it’s quite obvious I’m sleeping with her, which I know is statutory rape.  But no, she can’t talk to you about Chuck Bass, Mr Policeman, because she is much too young.

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“Do you think we can hurry this up?  Spongebob Squarepants is on in three minutes.”

Speaking of super sneaky legal loopholes . . .

“It’s twisted, but very you . . .”

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“Peekaboob!”

Chuck and Blair are holed up in a hotel . . . ON THE LAM (Twice in one recap, WOO HOO!).  And who should pop in with a tray he stole from room service (probably after schtupping the maid), but a surprisingly twiggy looking Jack Bass?    (Oh, seeing these three individuals in a hotel room together, brings back bad memories.  No me gusta.)

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Turns out, the dude put a tracking device on Chuck Bass’ limo, just for sh*ts and giggles.  You know, because that’s not creepy at all . . .

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Anywhoo, since Blair is the only person on the entire planet who saw Chuck, not so much kill Bart, as huff and puff and blow his body off the building, Jack comes up with the idea that the two should get married!

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This will enable the pair to take advantage of the spousal privilege laws that prevent husbands and wives from testifying against one another in court.  It will also serve as a massive apology to Chair fans, who have suffered through Blair’s ill-fated pseudo-romantic relationships with the likes of a Louis-bot and  a certain doughy pastry, who shall remain not-so-nameless.

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“It’s twisted, but it’s very you,” Jack Bass muses.

(It’s also the Graysons on Revenge.  Spousal privilege marriages are SO the new Greencard Marriages.)

Chuck is bothered by this.  He wants the love of his life to have the wedding of her dreams.  Blair reminds him that she did that already, back last season when she married the cyborg with the weird accent, thus proving that dreams are usually VERY overrated.

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She also reminds Chuck of this memorable moment between them . . .

Upon being reminded that he and Blair aren’t a boring couple .  . . like say Louis-bot and Blair . . . or Blair and You Know Who, Chuck decides to propose again.  And why not?  He knows this is the only realistic way to get him and Blair married off and spawning during this abridged final hour of television, amidst about 30 minutes of those cloying Carrie Diaries commercials loves this woman, and wants to spent the rest of his life with her.  The ends therefore, definitely justify the shady means . . .

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Meanwhile, on some private jet . . .

In which Serena forgives Donut way too quickly, despite never actually receiving an apology (or a retraction)

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Call me callous.  But if someone published really crappy things about me in Vanity Fair for the world to read.  And then he sent me some nice words about me that he never planned to publish, I would probably use the paper containing those “nice words” as toilet paper, the next time I really had to pee.

But I guess Serena is a better person than me . . . or at least a dumber one.  Because all it takes is a few kind paper words from Donut Dan.  And, suddenly, girlfriend has abandoned her private jet to LaLa land (must be nice), and returned to the “villain’s” apartment for “answers,” and, I suspect, a hopeful shot at makeup sex.

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“I also have very little self respect.  Shhh!”

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Now, maybe it’s just because I’m not a big Dan Fan.  But, honestly, I didn’t find the guy’s apology all that “apologetic.”  Basically, Dan’s explanation for why he wrote terrible things about Serena was because he developed a crush on her sophomore year, to the tunes of Rihanna’s Pon de Replay, and has been stalking her ass ever since?  That sounds more like a confession of guilt to me.  But hey, at least it gave us the opportunity to see Flashback!Chuck and Flashback!Nate in HIDEOUS wigs, and hear Flashback!Blair utter the words “Happy Barf Day!”

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Elsewhere in Manhattan . . .

Ivy Dickens, Queen of the Swamp People, star of “Nobody Gives a Damn”

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Question: If a woman who is always boning younger guys is called a cougar, what do you call a young woman with a penchant for humping fogies?  Cougarthritis?

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Maybe you just call her Charlie/Ivy/CallmeSerena . . .

Yeah, poor St. Ives . . . She thought the death of Bart Bass meant a beginning of public bliss for her and the perpetually sniveling Dr. VDW.  But, in a classic case of Turnabout is Fair Poison Ivy, the good doctor — who once tried to poison his ex wife, in order to get her to love him again — was only using Ivy to get to Lily, just as Ivy was using Rufus for the exact same reason . . . well sort of . . .

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Be careful, VDW.  This chick has bunny burner written all over her . . .

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So you could imagine how mortified / miserable Ivy became when Dr. VDW denied their relationship ever existed, in front of none other than Miss Lily herself.  “You’re a Lifetime movie called ‘Nobody Gives a Damn,’ the Ivy Dickens story.  Actually, I think I saw that one before.  Didn’t Tori Spelling star in it?

Just as hilarious is Dr. VDW’s assessment that Ivy’s Florida roots made her “Queen of the Swamp People.”  There is always a certain type of New Yorker, who believes that any residence outside of the five boroughs is basically Hillbilly town.  VDW is definitely one of those dudes.  He’s a total douche, but at least he’s damn funny.  Maybe they should have made him Gossip Girl . . .

The Quick and The Wed

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I don’t know about you.  But if I had a bunch of cops out looking for me, and I didn’t want to be found, the absolute last place I’d go would be the local courthouse.  But that’s where Chuck and Blair go to get their quickie marriage license.  (Now, come on.  I know it’s not Vegas. But there’s gotta be at least one of those crazy drive-thru chapel’s in Manhattan.  Just saying . . .)

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Once their marriage is legal, Chuck and Blair decide to make it official, inviting all of their friends for an impromptu wedding over at . . . of all places THE MET!  How fitting!  Chuck even gives Blair an Egyptian Snake ring to seal the deal.  It’s no Harry Winston.  That’s for sure.  But in a way, like the circumstances surrounding their marriage, it’s . . . wait for it . . . “twisted, but totally them.”

At the wedding Dan magically gives Worst Newsman Ever Nate a Vanity Fair piece on Gossip Girl, and Nate acts like he’s just received inside information on the taking down of Osama Bin Laden.  (Knowing Nate, he probably isn’t even aware that’s happened yet.)  He gets his high school girlfriend to publish the scoop on his behalf (because, you know, Nate’s “staff” only consists of people he porks), and turns his attention back to the wedding.

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When the Newsie overhears Mini Blair and Mini Serena (remember those two?) on the steps of the Met complaining that Gossip Girl never published their scoop on Chuck and Blair’s quickie wedding, Nate FINALLY puts two and two together, and figures out that . . . DAN . . . IS . . . GOSSIP GIRL!

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But then the girls end up reporting C&B to the police.  (INGRATES!)  And now it’s race against the clock to get them “kiss the briding” in time.  Chuck dips Blair into a triumphant kiss, uttering his trademark, “three words, eight letters” line just moments before the cops take him and his new bride away.  Part of me kind of wishes that, when the cops came for “Blair Waldorf,” she would have announced “I’m Blair Bass,” in true “Mrs. Chuck” style.

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But she didn’t.  I guess Blair isn’t really the type to take a man’s last name, even if it’s Chuck Bass’.  Oh well . . .

It’s Donut Dan’s Coming Out Party, and YOU’RE Invited

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Hilarity ensues, when Nate’s cheeseball newspaper outs Dan Humphrey as Gossip Girl, and we get to watch all the show’s past guest stars react.  “I always thought it was Dorota,” exclaims Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

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(Sure, blame the maid.  Typical New York politician . . .)

“That B*TCH!” Announces Agnes, that chick who once burned Little Jenny Humphrey’s fashion designs in an outdoor trashcan  . . .

Juliet and Vanessa are also shocked,  but not quite as shocked as Rachel Bilson and the voice of GG herself, Kristen Bell, who in a highly meta scene, play themselves auditioning for the film version of Dan’s book, Inside.  “Gossip Girl is real?”  Bilson exclaims, as Kristen Bell offers an exaggerated wink at the camera.

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Oh Veronica Mars!  I haven’t had this much fun watching you on my screen, since that one time when you killed Sookie Stackhouse .  . .

. . .  or that other time when you got really, REALLY excited about a sloth . . .

Plothole, Schmathole.  It’s the FINALE!

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OK.  Now despite having never been a Dan Fan, there are some things I really like about his character ending up being Gossip Girl.  For one thing, unlike that goopy love letter he wrote to Serena that somehow ended up in the New Yorker, during Season 1, or that crap Dair fanfiction we know better as Dan’s first “novel” Inside,  the fact that Dan, even at the young age of 16, was able to so seamlessly mimic the voice of a snooty Upper East Side female actually makes him a GOOD writer.  This show has always been telling us, ad nauseum, that Dan had talent, but this is the first and only time I actually believe it.

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And yeah, that “talent” also makes him a sociopath . . . one that most likely has multiple personality disorder.

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It’s the only possible explanation for his sending blasts to Gossip Girl, and acting visibly surprised when they hit his own e-mail, despite being alone at the time he received them.  Or how about that time when Gossip Girl outed Dan for porking a teacher?  Or the time when Dan porked the Hillary Duff character, and Gossip Girl knew she was an actress back when she first appeared, but it took “Dan” weeks to figure it out . . .  Let’s not forget that the whole time Dan dated Blair, Gossip Girl thought she was a better match for Chuck . . .

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now im crazy gg plotholes

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It’s actually pretty clear that the writers hadn’t decided on the identity of Gossip Girl, until at least early Season 5, despite their protests to the contrary.

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But hey, now we just have another reason to re-rent those DVD’s and prove them wrong right?  From a marketing perspective, choosing Dan as Gossip Girl was actually pretty genius . . .

Oh, and I did like the idea that Little J knew that Dan was Gossip Girl, and used it to her own advantage, like when she wanted to challenge Blair as Queen B, and when she wanted to leave town, after her unfortunate virginity slicing rendezvous with Chuck . . .

In short, those Humpty Dumpty’s really were the ultimate scheming social climbers .  . . something we’ve really always secretly suspected,  back in Season 1.

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But what I don’t understand is why everyone but Blair was totally cool with it, especially considering how many times Gossip Girl ruined each of their lives, while Donut Dan sat idly by and feigned moral anguish?

I guess considering the guy has already lambasted the entire Upper East Side crew, first in a national bestseller, and then in Vanity Fair, nothing would surprise them about this douche.

And yet, when Dan triumphantly announced that Gossip Girl is dead, part of me wishes the entire cast pulled out their carving knives and killed him.  Now THAT would have been a cool ending . . .

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A Derena Wedding and the Most Adorable Mini Bass EVER

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Flash forward five years into the future.  Chuck and Blair are happily married with the best-cast child star EVER as their kid “Henry Bass.”  (a clever nod to Chuck’s days living in Europe under the pseudonym “Henry Prince”).

But where was Monkey?

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“I’ve been replaced by a child star.  GRRR!”

Blair has taken over Waldorf designs, with none other than Jenny Humphrey herself, as her prime fashion designer . . .

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(She’s come a long way since her days as a rabid raccoon . . .)

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(Though, honestly, these two’s fashion senses couldn’t be more disparate, so I’m not really sure how that works.)

Lily is married to Dr. VDW again.  And Rufus is married to . . . wait for it . . . Lisa LOEB.  Remember her?

All those years, and girlfriend never bought a new pair of glasses . . .

Jack Bass hooked up with Georgina Sparks, which kind of works, considering they are pretty much both the same person.

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(Though I do wonder what happened to Baby Milo and that “Nice Guy” she used to call her husband.)

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drunk interesting

Nate is single, but running for MAYOR?!

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(And you said Gossip Girl wasn’t funny!)

Eric VDW is back from the set of Revenge, and spouting some facial hair.  But he’s single too.

And how could we forget Charlie/Ivy/CallMeSerena Dickens?

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He’s PSYCHIC!

Oh, and it took five years, but Serena finally married Gossip Girl.  Ahhh . . . a gay wedding, in more ways than one . . .

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Even Donuts deserve love . . .

In the episode’s final moments, Kristen Bell reprises her role as the voice of Gossip Girl one more time, only this time around she’s the voice of a NEW GENERATION of Upper East Siders.  And so what was once old has theoretically become new again.

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never rid of me

All in all it was a flawed but fitting end to a series with which us fans, I suspect, all have a pretty complicated relationship . . . much like the relationship it’s main characters have with one another.  We loved it. . .

We hated it . . .

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We were aroused . . .

We were nauseated . . .

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We wanted more . . .

We wanted it to end . . .

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But through all the ups and downs, Gossip Girl will remain an important part of my TV viewing history . . . one that I suspect will send me clamoring back to YouTube for nostalgia’s sake, for years to come.  And for that I have the show’s cast, its crew, its costume designers, and, yes, even its writers to thank.

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They all know we love them, and will miss them terribly.  XOXO,

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever 2]

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My Ten New TV Boyfriends of 2011 . . .

As the New Year approaches, I suspect that many of you are taking this time to reflect on the year past.  Perhaps, you are even wondering how you might be able to improve your life in the upcoming year.

Meh!  Self-reflection is overrated, I say.  As for me?  I prefer to use this time to think back on all the hot new fictional TV characters I’ve met this past year, and decide which ones are worthy of being added to my ever-growing TV Boyfriend List . . .

Now, I’m the first to admit that, when it comes to TV Boyfriends, I tend to be a bit on the slutty side (sometimes “dating” as many as  twenty television characters at once) . . .

Nevertheless, making it onto my List is still a rather competitive process for prospective faux-beaus.  After all, I’ve watched A LOT of television, during my time on this planet.  As a result, there are characters on my List that have been getting into my increasingly crowded panties, since the late 90’s.  (I’m looking at you, Pacey Witter.)

So, if a TV character wants to date me, he better be pretty damn special.  Because, when it comes to fictional men, I’ve literally seen it all!

Nonetheless, 2011 ended up being a pretty great year for TV Boyfriends.  New additions to my List run the gamut from fairytale characters, to warlocks, to bartenders.  I even managed to squeeze a little person in there!

So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you (in no particular order) my Ten New TV Boyfriends of 2011 . . .

1. Wade Kinsella – Hart of Dixie

Who plays him: Wilson Bethel

Why we’re “dating”: 

Just like Hart of Dixie’s own Zoe Hart, I’m both a city girl, and a native East Coaster.  And whether or not we like to admit it, us East Coast girls can be a bit high strung.  We could really use a laidback, small town, southern guy to keep us grounded, and prevent us from “sweating the small stuff.”  Whether he’s playing video games, jamming on his guitar, or cooking up a prize-winning pot of gumbo, Wade is a guy who knows how to have a good time.

Wade is a man’s man, through and through.  He doesn’t put on airs, or stand on ceremony.   You can always count on him to be straight and honest with you, whether or not you necessarily want him to be.  He’s also quite the ladies’ man, not that this should be any surprise .  . .

And yet, Wade has a soft side too.  He cares about his family and his friends.  And he can always be counted on to lend a helping hand, when they really need him.  And as much as he might mess around with the local floozies, deep down, I think Wade is a one-woman man, as evidenced by his adorable, suffer-in-silence pining over one, Zoe Hart.

Moments when he won my heart:

*When he kissed Zoe to “calm her down” . . .

*When he sang Moon River with his drunken dad to get him down from a roof ledge . . .

*When he cooked a prize-winning gumbo pot for Zoe, but let her take all the credit for it . . .

*When he offered to drive Zoe to the airport, in a tacit admission that he had feelings for her . . .

*When he called out George for leading Zoe on, when the two spent the night in jail . . .

*When he told Zoe that she taught others how to be “amazing” . . .
For your consideration:

2. Nick Miller – New Girl

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Who plays him: Jake Johnson

Why we’re “dating”:

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There’s just something super endearing about a grumpy guy . . . especially when you are one of the few people that can make him smile.  Like many of us, Nick is still figuring some things out about his life.  He’s a smart guy, and a law school graduate, but he isn’t quite sure what career path he wants to take.  He’s a “relationship guy,” but he just got out of a devastating relationship, and might not be quite ready to fall in love again . . .

However, Nick doesn’t let these shortcomings detract from who he is as a person.  If anything, his self-deprecating sense of humor, and good-humored, if slightly sarcastic, take on life makes him more relatable and approachable.  This is likely why most of the roommates in the house go to Nick first for advice.  And yet, as wise and grounded as Nick can be,  he’s not afraid to let his adorkable flag fly, when it’s warranted, or when his friends need a good laugh.

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As a friend, Nick’s a pretty considerate guy . . . one who almost always puts his friends needs before his own.   And even though he can tend to be a bit jealous sometimes, he never lets that get in the way of his friendships.  Oh, and I almost forgot, like Wade, Nick is a bit of a “piner.”  And the way he looks at Jess, when he thinks nobody is watching will most definitely turn you to mush. . .

Moments when he won my heart:

* When he convinced his roommates to leave a hot party, so that they could all serenade a recently stood up Jess . . .

*The way he looked at Jess, the first time he saw her in a dress . . .

*When he “fixed” the house soap dispenser, by attaching a wooden spoon to it . . .

*When he got super jealous of Jess and Paul, but still followed them to the back of the shopping line on Black Friday, so they wouldn’t be left out . . .

*When his feet pointed at Jess, wherever she went (a sure sign of attraction, if ever there was one) 😉 . . .

*When he missed Christmas with his parents to bring Jess to Candy Cane Lane, so that she could see the “pretty lights” . . .

For your consideration:

3.  Derek Hale – Teen Wolf

Who plays him: Tyler Hoechlin

Why we’re “dating”:

Derek Hale really is the best of both worlds.  He’s dark and dangerous . . . yet highly moral, loyal, and fiercely protective of those he cares about.  He’s masculine and tough, yet sensitive and vulnerable.  He’s got a bit of a temper, but he’s also surprisingly funny, and an exceptionally patient teacher.  He’s kind of a loner.  And yet he’s no stranger to “pack mentality.”  He can be cold and aloof sometimes, yet warm and caring other times.

Though Derek’s been hurt and betrayed in the past by those he loved, this hasn’t stopped him from caring about others, and looking out for their best interest.  Derek is the kind of boyfriend, who would always make you feel safe and protected, but would never be too clingy or overbearing.  He’d always be there for you, when you needed him, but would be willing to give you space when you didn’t.  I mean, so what if he sometimes gets hairy, and howls at the moon?  We all have our idiosyncrasies!

And have you SEEN this guy’s body?  It’s genuinely mesmerizing . . .

Moments when he won my heart:

*Every time he rescued damsel-in-distress Scott from certain doom . . .

*His sexy homoerotic “locker press” with Jackson . . .

*His surprising show of vulnerability with Kate, and when he found his sister’s corpse . . .

*His hilarious exchanges with Stiles, most notably, that one time Stiles tried to “pimp” him out to his gay friend . . .

*When he did pull ups half-naked, in his ramshackle house . . . (THANK YOU MTV!)

For your consideration:

4. Sheriff Graham / The Huntsman – Once Upon a Time

Who plays him: Jaime Dornan

Why we’re “dating”:

Having literally had his heart crushed by an evil queen, Sheriff Graham may not have been long for TV land, but he will most certainly live happily ever after in our hearts.  An animal lover, with expert aim (which can come in VERY handy, if you catch my drift), plenty of energy in the sack, and a high tolerance for liquor, this hard working public servant will most certainly be keeping you warm and happy during those long cold nights in Storybrooke.  Did I mention he has an adorable accent, and a sexy voice that will make you go weak at the knees every time he opens his mouth?

But lest you think my relationship with the Sheriff is just superficial, I can also tell you that, despite what he might tell you to the contrary, Sheriff Graham has a good heart.   He’s a hero, a protector, and a savior of those in need.  Plus, despite his murky past, and dubious history, he’s managed to stay surprisingly innocent.  There’s an almost childlike quality about him that’s quite refreshing.  Perhaps, that comes from spending so many years inside a children’s book . . .

Moments when he won my heart:

*When he drunkenly kissed Emma for the first time . . .

*When he (as the Huntsman) beat up some barmen for talking smack about wolves . . .

*When he (as the Huntsman) was brought to tears by Snow White’s letter, and ultimately spared her life . . .

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*When he sat with young Henry and learned about his history in Fairytale World . . .

*When he finally got up the courage to dump the Mayor’s ass . . .

*When he lovingly kissed Emma for the second time, just moments before his heart . . . turned to dust.

*Anytime he wore those super tight pants . . .

For your consideration:

5. Tyrion Lannister – Game of Thrones

Who plays him: Peter Dinklage

Why we’re dating:

This may seem like an odd choice to some.  But hey, I’m only 5’3”.  So, height has never really been an issue for me.  (Also, I hate wearing high heels . . .)  Though I despise most of his family members (which means we could probably never marry), Tyrion himself is a terrific catch, in my eyes.  He’s exceptionally smart, amazingly resourceful, exceedingly wealthy, uproariously funny, honest almost to a fault, and surprisingly honorable.

Though he comes from a very powerful family, Tyrion is most certainly not a snob.  In fact, he often acts as a champion for the weak and less fortunate.  Though not necessarily the most able-bodied of the bunch, Tyrion can use his intelligence and wit to get himself out of even the stickiest of situations.  And he knows how to get what he wants.

On top of that, Tyrion is a blast to hang out with.  He drinks like a fish, curses like a sailor, screws like an Adonis, and always has a joke or hilarious story handy, when the party is getting too stale.  In a world that is dark, bleak, and filled with war, Tyrion never takes himself or the situations in which he finds himself too seriously.  Optimistic, fun-loving, and good-natured, this is exactly the kind of guy, you want on your side, especially when “winter is coming” . . .

Moments when he won my heart:

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* When he helped the newly crippled Bran come to terms with his paralysis . .  .

*When he told the story of his first love . . .

*When he confessed to ALL of his sins, in front of the Moon Door . . .

*When he won a fierce deadly battle, despite being unconscious for most of it . . .

*When he proved that at least one Lannister, does, in fact, always pay his debts . . .

For your consideration:

6. Schmidt – New Girl

Who plays him: Max Greenfield

Why we’re “dating”:

Sure, he owns a Douchebag Jar, sometimes wears women’s kimonos, and gets a bit persnickety about his cooking, but, rest assured, if you are hanging out with Schmidt, you’re going to be having a great time.  You will also be laughing a lot . . . sometimes with him . . . sometimes at him.  A notorious ladies man, who’s clearly very comfortable with his sexuality, Schmidt feels just as comfortable being “one of the girls,” as he does being “one of the guys.”  Whether he’s at a baby shower, a wedding, or playing Sexy Santa at the office Christmas function, Schmidt is always sure to be the life of the party.  He’s also an impeccable dresser, with great hair.  So, if you are ever in need of fashion tips, he’s your guy.  (Just don’t let him choose your perfume . . .)

As if all that wasn’t enough, Schmidt is also super sweet and an unabashed romantic . . . when he’s not being douchey, that is!

Moments when he won my heart:

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*When he watched Curly Sue with Jess . . .

*When he singlehandedly saved a baby shower, by getting everybody (except for the mother-to-be) completely wasted . . .

*When, at the same party, he drank out of a giant baby bottle . . .

*When he admitted to not liking to sleep alone . . .

*When he saved Thanksgiving Dinner . . .

*When he played Sexy Santa at the Office Christmas Party . . .

*When he bought Cece her own personal perfume.  (Regardless of how bad it smelled, it’s the thought that counts, PEOPLE!)

*When he made this dating video . . .

For your consideration:

7. Owen Sleater – Boardwalk Empire

Who plays him: Charlie Cox

Why we’re “dating”:

Every girl wants a bad boy.  And Owen Sleater’s as bad as they come.  A hit man, and professional “enforcer,” Owen has no qualms about stealing, committing murder, or sleeping with another man’s betroved.  Don’t let his sweet smile, boyish good looks, and adorable accent fool you.  Owen is a very dangerous man.  He’s strong, smart, incredibly resourceful, and can be very manipulative when he wants to be.

But Owen Sleater can also be a true gentleman, one who sweeps ladies off of their feet, with his incredible acts of kindness, declarations of adoration, shameless flirtation, and calm, self-assured nature.  Owen might have a criminal’s brain, and a killer’s body, but he has a lover’s heart, and deep down, I think, a good soul.  Like many of the men on this list, Owen is a caretaker, and a protector.  And he’s going to make one lucky lady very happy some day . . . if he doesn’t get himself killed first . . .

Moments when he won my heart:

*His surprisingly awkward, and adorably cute, early flirtations with Margaret . . .

*His surprisingly friendly standoff at gunpoint with Richard Harrow . . .

*The sexy, and brilliant way he explained the inner workings of the explosives he was making to blow up Mickey’s liquor distillery . . .

*How he told Margaret that he was hers to “command” . . .

*The way he always looks at Margaret . . .

*The fierce growl he let out, when he finally had his way with Margaret . . .

*The look on his face, when he found out Emily was diagnosed with polio . . .

*The way he helped Margaret fix Emily’s leg braces . . .

*The solemn, and slightly sad, look on his face, as he acted as a witness to Margaret’s and Nucky’s wedding . . .

For your consideration:

8. Charles Meade – The Secret Circle

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Who plays him: Gale Harold

Why we’re dating:

If Owen Sleater is a “bad boy,” Charles Meade is arguably an “evil man.”  When he ignited the fire that killed his supposed long-time friend Amelia Blake, in the pilot episode of The Secret Circle, I got chills.  When he used a crystal to turn Jane Blake into a Stepford Wife / zombie in more recent episodes, I gasped.  Charles is an incredibly powerful warlock, one that will stop at nothing to get what he wants.  The fact that his motives for doing the things he does are, as of yet, not entirely clear, make him even more frightening . . . and intriguing.

That said, people are not all good, or all bad.  Most tend to reside within the shades of grey, and Charles Meade is no exception.  We’ve seen this man experience extreme guilt, and even have an emotional breakdown, as a result of his part in the accidental death of Nick Armstrong.  We’ve also seen him show love and concern for his daughter Diana, and affection for his longtime friend and fellow coven-mate Dawn.

Aside from all that, there’s just something about Charles Meade that makes me think that he lives by a rather rigid moral code.  He seems to truly believe that the things he’s doing are in service of the greater good.  Many times he’s even expressed disapproval toward Dawn, when she behaved particularly rashly, or hurt someone he felt didn’t need to be hurt.  This evidence leads me to believe that Charles Meade’s motives might be more benevolent than many viewers assume them to be . . .

Besides, there are plenty of perks to dating a sexy, strong, mysterious warlock.  I mean, when you think about it, the possibilities are absolutely endless . . .

Moments when he won my heart:

*When he broke down, following Nick’s death . . .

*Anytime he uses his sexy, eargasmic, spell-casting voice . . .

*During his flirtations with Dawn . . .

*During his father/daughter moments with Diana . . .

For your consideration: 

9. Prince Charming / James – Once Upon a Time

Who plays him: Joshua Dallas

 Why we are “dating”:

There’s a reason the phrase “Prince Charming” has come to embody the Ideal Man.  He’s strong, heroic, debonair, dashing, incredibly handsome, and, let’s not forget, how his KISSES SAVE LIVES!  And yet, admittedly, in children’s books, I always found the character of Prince Charming to be kind of wooden, and woefully personality-free.  Fortunately, in Once Upon a Time, the writers have managed to come up with a character who actually lives up to his name . . .

Unlike the traditional, born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-his-mouth fairytale prince, our Prince Charming lived most of his life as a poor, sheep herder, in a remote town.  He worked hard, took care of his mother, who he loved dearly, and expected very little out of life.  In this new world post-recession world of 99%ers, where most of us “have-nots” deeply resent the “haves,” the fact that Prince Charming came from humble beginnings, and can, therefore appreciate the riches bestowed on him in later life is deeply refreshing.

And if that didn’t make him loveable enough, Prince Charming is also a dragon slayer, who put his life at risk to save an entire kingdom, and gave up his happiness to save his own mother’s life, when he agreed to marry a woman he did not love.  But what really makes Prince Charming an excellent TV Boyfriend is the way he behaves around Snow White.  With a disarming smile, sharp wit, and adorable banter, both Prince Charming and his Storybrooke counterpart James managed to bust through this slightly jaded woman’s firm walls and found his way deep into her heart.

Prince Charming literally lights up whenever he sees or speaks to Snow White.  And yet, there relationship isn’t cliched or cheesy.  They are both very strong willed, head strong, and slightly snarky individuals, who have fought hard for everything they have, and are inherently skeptical of those for whom things come easy.  There’s is the kind of love for which everybody secretly wishes . . . the kind of love that makes you believe in fairytales . . .

And who doesn’t want a little fairytale in their lives, every now and then?

Moments when he won my heart:

*When he rescued his knights, and singlehandedly slayed a dragon, without any battle training whatsoever . . .

*During his heartfelt goodbye to his mother . . .

*When he “captured” Snow White . . .

*When he flirted with Snow White . . .

*When he helped Snow White battle the trolls . . .

*When (in Storybrooke), he came to Snow White / Mary Margaret’s school to declare his love for her . .  .

*When he lost his own life (in fairytale land) to save his wife, and baby Emma . . .

*Everytime he said “I’ll always find you,” to Snow White . . .

For your consideration:

10. Matty McKibben – Awkward

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Who plays him: Beau Mirchoff

Why we are “dating”:

Sometimes in our lives, we are looking to find our Prince Charming, and have our fairytale.  Other times, we’d much rather date someone normal, with flaws, insecurities, and imperfections . . . someone like us.  What’s so great about Matty McKibben is that he’s so incredibly real.   Way too often television shows make teenagers act and look like people in their late twenties.  But Matty McKibben is a genuine high school guy . . . a guy who most likely reminds you of someone you went to high school with, crushed on, and maybe even were lucky enough to date . . .

In the pilot episode of Awkward, Matty is depicted as your typical popular high school jock.  He’s good looking.  He’s athletic.  He goes to the best parties, and dates the prettiest girls.  He has sex with Jenna Hamilton that first time, more on impulse than, as a result of any sort of strong feeling he has for her.  And he keeps their relationship a secret, because it’s easier that way, considering the fact that they come from different social circles.

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And in a typical high school drama, that would pretty much be the end of the story.  The “Jenna” character would inevitably find out that the “Matty” character is shallow, and using her for sex, so she would leave him for a “nicer” guy.  But real life isn’t that simple, and, fortunately, neither is this show.  As the series progresses, we get to know more about Matty McKibben.  What we learn is that he’s actually pretty good guy . . . someone who’s loyal to his friends, to the point of being willing to give up love for their sake . . . someone who truly cares about Jenna, and tries to do right by her, in the best way that he knows how.

Throughout the series, we watch Matty learn from his relationship with Jenna, and grow from a seemingly dimwitted and shallow jock, to a surprisingly smart and thoughtful boyfriend.  And in the end, when Jenna chooses the “nice guy,” our heart can’t help but break a bit for Matty, who, as it turns out, is  actually pretty “nice,” himself . . . not to mention, smokin’ hot.

Moments when he won my heart:

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*When he drove Jenna home from the football game on her birthday, and helped her toss out her not-so-lucky socks . . .

*When he finally told Jenna he wanted to make their relationship official . . .

*When he took Jenna to his parents’ restaurant on their first official date . . .

*When he bonded with Jenna’s friends, and gave them guy advice . . .

*The mixture of jealousy and friendly sympathy he showed, when he learned about his best friend, Jake’s feelings for Jenna . . .

*When we found out about the sweet way Matty planned to “ask” Jenna to formal . . .

*The resigned look of heartbreak and devastation on Matty’s face at Winter Formal, following Jenna’s tacit rejection . . .

For your consideration:

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(Sorry, MTV is surprisingly stingy, about allowing scenes from Awkward to exist on YouTube.  So, this was the best I could do.  That said, you could watch the entire series on MTV.com!)

And there you have it . . . my Ten New TV Boyfriends of 2011.  So, who’s on YOUR list?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

23 Comments

Filed under 2011, Hot Actors, Shirtless TV Stars, Television Super Couples, Top Ten Lists, TV Boyfriends

An Ode to The O.C.’s Seth Cohen (Because he’s the Snowflake AND the Latke!)

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True story!  Once upon a time, there lived a TV Recapper who only liked Bad Boys . . .

(Ummm  . . .  OK . . . so maybe it wasn’t THAT long ago.) 

But then, one day, seemingly out of nowhere, there emerged a little show called The O.C. . . .

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And from The O.C., a boy named Seth Cohen was born.  And he was GOOOOD!

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On the surface, Seth Cohen is not the type of guy a TV fangirl, like me, normally “goes for.”  In fact, when I watched the pilot episode for The O.C., I was very ANTI- Seth Cohen!  He just seemed so “sweet” and protagonist-y. 

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This wasn’t a guy who was going to be broody or uncommunicative, like my previous TV boyfriends.  He wasn’t going to kick people’s asses for the fun of it . . . or do morally ambigious (read: “sexy”) things on a weekly basis . . .  or walk around shirtless, constantly, just because he could.  In short, I didn’t think Seth Cohen and I were going to get along, AT ALL .  . .

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But then, something strange happened.  As I continued to watch The O.C., gradually, Seth Cohen began to win me over with his refreshingly uncool ways . . .

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He wasn’t like the shallow, superficial high school characters you typically saw on teen dramas, who only seemed interested in who they were dating at the moment, and whether they’d win prom king and queen.  Seth was smart and sarcastic, but not in a pompous or self-righteous sort of way.  His unique brand of humor was goofy, charming, and self-deprecating. 

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He was also unapologetically “meta.”  This was a Guy On a TV Show who ABSOLUTELY KNEW he was a Guy On a TV Show.  And he was loving every minute of it . . .

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Given all that, it should be no surprise to you that Seth Cohen ended up being somewhat of a STUD on The O.C.  And though he did have his pick of the ladies, throughout the seasons, there was only ONE woman who truly had his heart . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  Seth Cohen was a firm believer in the ever-evaporating concept of Monogamy.  (Granted, he did date two girls simultaneously for a good portion of the first season.  But we are going to let that one slide, for the moment .  . .)  Seth Cohen gave the entire Nerd Population hope, when he managed to overcome his social awkwardness, unpopularity, and love of comic books, to win the heart of pretty, popular alpha female, Summer Roberts. 

Seth and Summer.  Summer and Seth.  It just doesn’t get much more adorable than these two brunette cuties . . .

For all the aforementioned reasons (and some others I will share with you in just a bit), on this Memorial Day 2011, I would like to create an Unofficial Memorial to my favorite TV GOOD BOY Boyfriend.  This memorial will feature video clips, screencaps, GIFS, and . . . well . . . not much else, because I’m feeling particularly lazy today.   (I’m hungover!  SUE ME! 🙂 )

What follows are TEN REASONS (in no particular order) why Good Boy Seth Cohen has what it takes to go head-to-head with even the darkest of Bad Boys in the battle for your heart . . .

(1) He is “stealth.”

(2) He’s kind to ALL animals (even the plastic ones).

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(3) He’s “nice” (even when he tries not to be).

(4) He’s not afraid to be a fool for love.

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(5) He’s “handy.”

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(6) He’s “refreshingly flawed.”

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(7) He’s “upper-middle class.”

(8) He is well-rounded.

(9) He has a DEEP appreciation of the “arts.”

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And finally  . . . (drumroll please)  . . .

(10) He will (quite literally) sweep you off your feet.

There you have it: a video and pictoral representation of 10 reasons why Seth Cohen fully deserves TV Boyfriend status, despite being an unrelentingly GOOD BOY.  So, thank you, Seth Cohen, for showing us TV watchers that sometimes the LIGHT can be just as sexy as the DARKNESS.  That being said . . . TAKE YOUR DAMN SHIRT OFF, ALREADY!

THANK YOU!

(For more shots of Shirtless Seth Cohen, feel free to head HERE!)

See ya in The O.C., Seth.  And in the words of Phantom Planet, “California, HERE WE COME!”

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

27 Comments

Filed under Seth and Summer, Seth Cohen, Television Super Couples, The O.C.

The Cold Can Be VERY HOT! – Cozy up with 7 Heart-warming Wintery TV Moments

What is it about those cold wintery months that puts all of us in the mood for romance? 

Well . . . most of us, anyway!

Are we simply looking for a warm body to hold close, when the temperature drops to the single digits? 

Do we just not want to be alone for the holidays? 

Perhaps, the desire to couple in winter is innate and primal, something akin to hibernation or mating rituals. 

Or, maybe there’s something more to it than that . . .

In light of the fact that I am VERY COLD RIGHT NOW . . .  and, also in light of the fact, that there is currently TWO FEET OF SNOW outside my window, I thought it might be nice to write a post based on the “softer” (and sexier) side of wintery weather . . .

So, get into something “more comfortable” . . .

 . . . and grab those warm winter blankets . . .

Because we are about to get started . . .

Winter Helps us to Remember the Good Times . . .

For most of us, most of the year is a blur.  We rush around, day-in-and-day-out, maneuvering through work, or school, and our mundane daily tasks.  We rarely have the time to stop and take a breath, or think about the things and people that really matter to us. 

But around winter time, things slow down.  Suddenly, we have all this spare time to think about ourselves and others.  We have time to make major decisions about what we want out of life.  We have time to . . . FINALLY GET LAID!

In this first clip from Dawson’s Creek, it takes a wintery class ski trip and a conveniently “hidden” wallet condom, to help Joey realize that Pacey’s “TOTALLY-Puts-Every-Boy-On-The-Planet-To-Shame” Boyfriending Skills are MORE than worth the cost of her much-coveted V-card!

Winter Forces Us to Remember the Bad Times . . .

While for many, winter is time of comfort and joy, for others, it’s a time for sadness and severe depression.  Because all that time spent alone thinking, can be MIGHTY LONELY.  It can also dredge up some painful memories.  But just when you feel like all hope is lost, that’s when you come to realize that you aren’t so alone after all.  Because the thing you thought you were missing, might just have been by your side all along . . .

In this second clip, from Gossip Girl, Serena’s snowstorm car crash, dredges up some painful memories for Chuck Bass, regarding his father’s untimely death . . .

Winter Makes Things That Would Normally Be Really Annoying, Seem “Festive and Poignant”

You wouldn’t know it from this extremely sappy post, but I’m actually a rather jaded person, when it comes to love and romance.  Things that make most women go, “Awwwww” tend to make me roll my eyes, and throw up in my mouth a little bit.  And yet, this time of year that all changes. 

For a few months, I’m all about those cheesy ABC Family Christmas Specials, mistletoe, heart-shaped boxes, sappy love songs . . . and watching When Harry Met Sally when it airs on TBS for the 85,000th friggin time.

“I’ll have what she’s having.”

I suspect I am not alone in this. 

By way of example, I give you yet another clip from Gossip Girl — this one from a couple that usually makes me a little nauseous.  And yet, whenever I watch this winter-themed scene of them in action, I can’t help but soften toward the pair a bit, if only for a few moments.  Of course, I’m talking about Dan and Serena, and the latter’s “very special” Christmas gift to the former, during the holiday episode of the show’s first season.  (And no, I’m not talking about Serena’s body, as that is a gift that’s been given on the show MANY, MANY, MANY times over, to many people!)

Serena is kind of  like Santa.  She visits ALL THE LITTLE BOYS, during the holidays.  (And she’s very TIRED!)

Winter Gives You an Excuse to Make Out with People You’ve Secretly Always Wanted to Make Out With, But Haven’t Yet Had the Guts to Do So . . .

Blame it on the mistletoe!  Blame it on too much champagne!  Blame it on wanting to make that other guy (or girl) jealous!  Blame it on a joke . . . or dare!  Tell him (or her) it was just a “friendly holiday” kiss! 

The winter months are jam-packed with parties . . . and, perhaps more importantly, BOOZE.  This means they are also jam-packed with solid excuses to lay a wet one on the person you’ve been ogling in silence for all those months.  The good news, is that, for a limited time only, you can do so, without fear of suffering embarrassment or rejection.  And, hey, if the person you’re smooching doesn’t respond in kind, you can always tell him that Santa made you do it!  Because NO ONE messes with SANTA on Christmas!

In this next clip from Bones, Temperance Brennan uses the OLDEST holiday trick in the book — strategically-placed mistletoe — to engage in a rousing round of tonsil hockey, with her sexy as hell co-worker, Seeley Booth.  You GO GIRL!

Winter is a Time for Bold Romantic Gestures . . .

Helpful tools like mistletoe, a bottle of champagne, or a “spin the bottle,” are fine for those simple sneak-attack kisses.  But when you REALLY want to start something special with the object of your desires, it’s best to go au natural.  Now, is not the time to be tentative. 

Be BOLD!  Be ROMANTIC!  After all, you’ve got the cold winter weather, and the holidays on your side.  And there’s no better aphrodisiac on the planet than those two things, as far as I’m concerned . . .

In this Season 1 clip from Grey’s Anatomy, Alex lays a most awesome Ambush Kiss on Izzie, just when she has completely written him off as a romantic partner, following a VERY LOUSY first date the two recently shared.

Winter is The Time to Tell that Special Someone How You Feel About Them

This one is kind of self-explanatory.  And if I give you any more intel, I’ll likely ruin the impact of the next clip, if I haven’t done so already.  Suffice it to say, this one features Rory and Jess from The Gilmore Girls . . .

But When You Think About It, Winter is Really Just a State of Mind . . .

Now, where I come from, I get more winter cold than I could POSSIBLY EVER WANT!  But that might not be the case for you.  Perhaps, you live in a tropical climate, where it’s NEVER cold, and NEVER snows.  (Just so you know, I HATE YOU . . . Just kidding 🙂 . . . But not really.) 

Well, just because you don’t have excuse to wear big puffy jackets, or drink hot cocoa by the gallon, or cuddle up under down comforters, doesn’t mean you can’t make the romantic spirit of winter work for YOU too!  With just a little improvisation on your part, you can be feeling the Sexy Winter Fever, in no time! 

Just ask Seth Cohen from The O.C.  He lives in Orange County, California. where it NEVER SNOWS!  And yet, season after season, Seth made the winter months special with his trademark Christmukkah cheer, and a seemingly endless supply of ugly Christmas Sweaters (most of which, he probably sweat through, within minutes of putting them on.  Because, let’s face it, it gets pretty friggin hot on the West Coast!) . . .

In this clip, Seth and his perky girlfriend Summer embody the Romantic Spirit of Winter, by simply putting on those hideous brown caps my mother lovingly refers to as “Schmucks with Earflaps.”

So, there you have it.  Seven doses of wintery TV romance from one Freezing Blogger.  Now it’s your turn.  What’s YOUR favorite Hot Winter TV Moment? 

[www.juliekushner.com]

9 Comments

Filed under Television Super Couples, Winter TV Moments

Let your fangs be your guide! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Brave New World”

There’s a crazed newbie vampire and two VERY testosterone-y werewolves on the loose in Mystic Falls.  But worry not!  The Salvatore Brothers have it all under control . . . sort of.

Last week, our heroes, Damon and Stefan, had their hands full with Vampire Katherine and her crazy, sexy, evil doppelganger ways . . .

This week, Katherine seems to have taken a little siesta from Mystic Falls.  But that didn’t make life any easier on our Bro Vamps, who still managed to spend most of the episode tending to supernatural creatures, and cleaning up their magical messes . . .

“Who you calling a MESS, b*tch?”

So, without further adieu, let us head off to the Mystic Falls Carnival, and pay a very special visit to its fabulous House of Freaks!

 Hospital Food BITES

After suffering the massive inconvenience of having the life smothered out of her by an antiseptic-smelling hospital pillow . . .

 . . . Caroline “wakes up” in the middle of the night, mildly disoriented and MAJORLY hungry.  Unfortunately,  B*tchy Night Nurse, won’t let her eat until morning.  So, Caroline does what any girl would do in a such a situation.  She improvises.

“Mmmmm, is it just me or have these juice boxes gotten bigger, since I was a kid?”

The next morning, Caroline’s boyfriend, Matt, comes to visit . . .

. . . and Caroline gives him a shoulder so icy cold, it can only be offered by the undead.  She refuses to kiss him, flinches at his touch, won’t eat the food he brings her, and cowers against a wall, when he tries to open the blinds.  Like all boys forced to deal with moody mates, Matt undoubtedly wonders whether Caroline is “On the Rag.”  Little does Mystic Falls’ resident nice guy know that his girlfriend has a WHOLE DIFFERENT “Blood Problem” on her hands (and in her mouth .  . .).

In addition to coping with her brand new kind of “thirst,” and the fact that her face now occasionally sprouts dark lines and wrinkles that even Botox won’t be able to cure, Caroline is also stressed out about not being able to run the Mystic Falls Carnival.  The Carnival was something Caroline had organized every year, since she was a freshman.  And now, with her “out of commission,” Elena and Bonnie are forced to take her place.

While the girls are unpacking boxes, and stacking Team Jacob t-shirts . . .

Every screaming thirteen-year old girl should have one . . .

. . . they can’t help but make a few jokes at Type A blood drinking Caroline’s expense.  “If we mess this up, she will KILL US,” quips Bonnie.  “I don’t know how she does this every year!”

“Simple.  She’s not human,” replies Elena.

Little do they know how VERY RIGHT they both are .  . .

Fortunately, for Caroline, she may have found away to attend the Carnival after all.  Even though Blondie is not due for hospital release until the next day, she somehow “convinces” (read: threatens then compels) B*tchy Night Nurse to discharge her early.  Never one to be discourteous, Caroline thanks the Nurse for her help by NEARLY CHEWING HER NECK OFF!

It was kind of a sloppy move on the new Baby Vamp’s part.  After all, massive neck wounds?  Those are the kind of thing people tend to notice.  Fortunately, the intrepid Caroline has a cover story up her sleeve.  “My boyfriend likes to get kinky,” says a newly Zombie-fied B*tchy Night Nurse, after taking in enough mind compulsion to scramble her brain for weeks. 

(Now, that’s fine for a good hospital tale, but how is B*tchy Night Nurse going to explain all those massive hickeys to her ACTUAL boyfriend?)

Dating discepancies aside, Caroline admires her mind control handiwork.  “I don’t know what THAT is, but it’s SPECTACULAR,” she concludes, as she struts out of the hospital, looking absolutely TO DIE FOR!

You can hardly even tell she’s been dead for 24-hours!

Bark at the Moonstone

Wolves will be wolves  . . .

Considering the fact that TVD fans have known that Tyler Lockwood is a werewolf since the end of Season 1, the writers are REALLY dragging out this “major reveal” a bit long, aren’t they?  Week after week, I just keep waiting for the kid to finally figure out what EVERYBODY ELSE ON THE PLANET already knows.  But, alas, Doofus Tyler keeps missing the boat, on this one . . .

“I may be dumb.   But, hey, at least I look pretty when I’m topless!”

 After a random excuse to show off Michael Trevino’s hot bod, clad in nothing but a towel brief jog around the neighborhood . . .

Well HELLO, Tyler’s crotch and abdominals!  It’s so nice to finally meet you!

 . . . Tyler continues to “bond” with Mr. Wolf in Black Sheep’s Clothing, Mason.

And YOU are wearing a shirt . . . because?

And by “bond” I mean that Mason peppers Tyler with so many questions about his “rage issues” that for a moment I thought I had accidentally switched channels, and was watching a rerun of the Dr. Phil Show . . .

My final diagnosis is . . . you’re CRAZY, Wolfboy!

“I’m an angry guy,” explains Tyler matter-of-factly.  (Now THAT’S the understatement of the year!)

From this exchange, we also learn that Tyler “loses himself,” when he gets angry, and sometimes even suffers from “Rage Blackouts” a la Summer Roberts from The O.C.

When he’s not interrogating Tyler, arm wrestling, or defending his brother’s honor (more on all that later), Mason seems to spend most of his time at Mystic Falls searching for something called a Moonstone.

Riiiiiiight, because that’s EXACTLY what this show needs, MORE ugly jewelry that possesses magical powers . . .

Detective Damon and his Trusty Sidekick, Stefan

“Cheers, to me already getting, in just two episodes, more sexy facial closeup-shots, than I did during the ENTIRE last season!”

But Mason isn’t the only one investigating Tyler during this episode.  Damon seems to have his eye on the Baby Werewolf too.  (Or, maybe he’s just trying in vain to keep his mind off of a certain someone . . .)

Whatever the reason, Tyler’s “Secret” is occupying most of Damon’s thoughts.  Big Brother Salvatore, is pensively pouring himself a goblet of blood, when Stefan arrives home from a morning of “Hunting Wascally Wabbits” with his good pal, Elmer Fudd.

“So, that thing you told me about your brother eating humans . . . you were just kidding about that, right?”

When Stefan turns down Damon’s offer of a blood glass, Big Bro can’t help put take a pot shot at his brother’s Drink of Choice.  “Aren’t you worried that, one day, all the forest animals are going to band together and fight back.  I mean, surely, they talk,” quips Damon.

Be afraid, Stefan.  Be VERY AFRAID!

Damon, who has recently been crowned new head of the Anti-Vampire Council by Ms. Lockwood, herself (How’s THAT for irony?), peppers Stefan with questions about the Lockwoods.  Specifically, he wants to know why they were affected by that Supernatural Clock Thingy during the Season 1 Finale, even though they are not vampires.  Unfortunately for Damon, Stefan sees Damon’s new hobby of “playing detective” for exactly what it is, a way for a guy who’s recently been dumped (TWICE) to pass the time.

“Come on, Damon!  We all know you’re suffering from Man Pain.  Wouldn’t it be easier to just massage your Willy, and call it a night?”

“Well, DUH!  But I’d much prefer massaging YOURS . . .”

Ever the jealous ex, Damon just can’t resist asking Stefan if Elena talks about him.  (How adorable is he?)  And, based on Elena’s exchanges with Stefan during this episode, we know that she DOES talk about him.  However, most of those exchanges involve her repeatedly saying, “I want to be normal and do human stuff, like kiss at the top of the Ferris Wheel.  And I DEFINITELY don’t want to talk about the D- word.”

“D?  As in DELICIOUS?  DEBONAIR?  DECADENT? DRUG-LIKE?  DESTINED TO BE YOUR MAN?”

While over at the Lockwood’s house for an Anti-Vampire Pow Wow,  Damon overhears Tyler talking to Mason about his “rage blackouts,” and comes up with a plan to expose the pair’s supernatural nature.  At the carnival, Damon commandeers Super Human Strength Stefan to challenge Mason to an arm wrestle.

Stefan loses badly.  It’s kind of an embarrassment really.  (I mean, have you SEEN those arms?)  The loss forces Stefan to agree with Damon that Mason is not human.  Stefan’s diagnosis?

Mason and Tyler are Ninja Turtles!  (You know what, I kind of wish he was right.   Because that would be AWESOME!)

Damon rolls his eyes at the joke, echoing the thoughts of some TVD fans, who believe that Stefan “has no comedic timing whatsover.”  I, however, beg to differ.  I thought that Ninja Turtle line was pretty darn hilarious, and his dry emotionless delivery made it even more so.  And I NEVER disagree with Damon.  So, you know I must really mean it.

All this arm wrestling and talk of rage blackouts inspires Damon to come up with a plan, as to how to break Hero Mason Lockwood, out of his “half-shell.”  (TURTLE POWER!)  And so he finds Poor Random Guy, Connor (who is about to have the WORST NIGHT EVER, by the way) and compels him to pick a fight with Tyler, and never back down, no matter what is done to him in retaliation.

The idea is to get Tyler to rage at Connor, and for Mason to go all “Supernatural” on Connor’s ass in Tyler’s defense.  The plan, of course, works flawlessly.  And we watch with amusement, along with Damon and Stefan, as Poor Connor picks a losing fight with Tyler.  Tyler predictably rages.  Then, Mason gets all yellow-eyed . . .

 . . .  and starts “jumping over cars” to break up the wrestling match.  But the fact that DAMON AND STEFAN still can’t figure out what kind of creatures these guys are, EVEN after witnessing THAT, bugs me to NO END!  In fact, I think I may have just had a Rage Blackout, just thinking about it . . .

I’m Burning Up For Your Love

A Newly Undead Caroline arrives at the school, and runs into Damon who has been lurking the hallways.  Caroline confronts Damon about all that mind controlling and physical abuse he heaped on her during Season 1.  Damon, of course, denies it.   But Caroline is insistent. 

NEW VAMPIRE RULE:  Apparently, if you were compelled a vampire, while you were alive, you can remember it, once you are undead.  (This is probably also how Stefan figured out that his love for Katherine was largely the result of compulsion.)

“I have a message from Katherine,” Caroline whispers in Damon’s ear.  (You know, I forgot how hot and hilarious these two were together, during Season 1)  “GAME ON!”

Caroline then throws Damon across the room.  “You suck,” she says wistfully, before stalking outside.

Once at the Carnival, Caroline runs into her loyal, but clueless boyfriend, Matt.

“I’m all better now,” the Undead Girl insists when asked how she was so quickly discharged.

The two quickly head off to the Ring Toss.

Still unused to her superhuman strength,  Caroline’s ring flick ends up shattering about five or six bottles within range.  “They must have already been broken,” Caroline mumbles cleverly.

The “neat trick” totally turns Matt on, and he pulls Caroline in for a kiss.  However, once the Little Vampire gets to close to his human flesh, she becomes incredibly hungry.  Not wanting to hurt Matt, she pushes him away violently.  “Leave me ALONE!”  She screeches, before running away.

An ashamed and humiliated Caroline is crying in the corner, when who should spot her, but a Lip-Bloodied Connor.  “Is everything OK?”  The Nice Guy / Poor Sap asks.  “I am so sorry,” cries Caroline, before doing this . . .

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would hereby like to award Poor Connor this week’s Senseless Death Award!

Meanwhile, Damon pulls aside Elena . . .

It’s amazing how fast Elena seems to have forgiven Damon for the whole “attempted killing of her brother” thing.  Not that I’m complaining . . .

. . . to warn her about Caroline’s newfound vampishness.  Stefan is called in for support, and our three main characters engage in their obligatory Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation for the week.  Gently reminding everybody about how lousy the whole Vicki Vamp Conversion went . . .

. . . and what a “manipulative nasty little slut” Katherine is for doing this to all of them . . .

“That’s ME!”

. . . Damon suggests that they have no choice but to stake Caroline, and put her out of her undead misery.

“Absolutely NOT!”  Elena insists.

Stefan agrees with Elena, but does so half-heartedly,  so that everyone in the room knows that, deep down, he thinks that Damon is right  — Caroline won’t be able to survive as a vamp.   And the longer she lives, the more all of their  lives will be in danger.  When Elena confronts Stefan about his true feelings he PUNCHES A WALL.  (SO HOT!)

“Oooh, baby!  Do it again!”

Damon finds a tearful Caroline outside, crying over a lifeless Poor Connor.  He moves in to “console her,” cupping her chin with his hand, and gently brushing her bloody hair out of her face.  “Don’t cry.  I can help you,” coos Damon with enough faux sensitivity that I almost believe him, myself.

“How?”  Caroline sniffles.

“I’m going to kill you,” replies Damon, matter-of-factly.

Caroline starts bawling now, begging for her not-life.  “Please don’t, I’m not ready to die.”

“But you’re already dead,” explains Damon.

Eventually, Damon convinces Caroline that he’s NOT going to kill her.   He pulls her into a hug, and, then, TRIES TO KILL HER with a sharpened stake!

But then Stefan comes and SAVES THE DAY, knocking the stake right out of Damon’s hand.

(I’ve gotta say!  I’m not ready to see Vampire Caroline go.  Human Caroline was really boring (except, of course, when she was Damon’s Play Toy).  But THIS Caroline?  She. Is. AWESOME!  Way to go, Candice Accola for making me warm up to your character in a big way!)

Then Damon picks up the stake AGAIN, and lunges for Caroline a SECOND TIME . . .

 . . . this time Elena blocks his path. Damon’s stake is now just inches away from the heart of the woman he loves.  “She’s my friend,” whispers Elena.

The two lock eyes, and say nothing for a few moments, the expressions on their faces revealing everything.  It is UNBELIEVABLY HOT!

Damon eventually drops the stake.  “Whatever happens, it’s on you,” Damon warns Elena — the vampire, himself, knowing a thing or two about residual guilt.

In the midst of all this, Bonnie arrives, touches Bloody Caroline and instantly learns that she’s a vampire.  Being a Vampire Hater, and a total bitch Bonnie turns away from her former BFF in disgust.  This causes Caroline to start bawling.  When Elena goes to her, Caroline pushes ELENA away, thinking that Elena was the one who turned her into a vampire.  Elena explains that the vampire who did that to her was Katherine.  But Caroline has had too much excitement for one day, and runs to the bathroom to pee.

Stefan rushes off to the bathroom (the Women’s Restroom?  FOR SHAME, STEFAN!) to comfort Caroline.  He carefully wipes the blood off her face, like a loving father.  Stefan then patiently teaches Caroline how to control her blood lust.  I guess Stefan is like the Mister Miyagi of Vampires . . .

. . . or a Vampire Jiminy Cricket.

He promises not to let anything happen to Caroline.  He  says he will do everything in his power to protect her.  It’s really sweet, actually.

Outside a bawling Bonnie, uses her magic Migraine-Giving powers to initiate a gas leak . . .

 . . . which causes a fire, and results in Damon looking like this . . .

But, despite what he did to her brother, Elena finds enough forgiveness in her heart to come to Damon’s rescue . . .

“This is not US!  This can’t be us!”  Elena tearfully screams at Bonnie, breaking the latter out of her witches’ spell trance.

All That Mushy Stuff

In the post-carnival portion of the episode, we get to see everyone, more or less, kiss and makeup.   Well, Tyler doesn’t really kiss or makeup with anyone.  But  . . .

he does finally find that Moonstone, and the information regarding his ancestry, under a floorboard in his father’s office. 

Matt . . .

. . . sneaks into Caroline’s bedroom and expresses his love for her.  She returns the favor by kissing him, without literally chewing off his face.  Thank you, Stefan-y Cricket!

Damon . . .

 . . . bonds with Jeremy . . .

 . . . over them both having parents that hated vampires, and Jeremy’s inability to whittle a proper stake with which to kill Damon.  Good times!

And finally, Stefan makes good on his promise to have a “normal moment” with Elena, by flying her *rolls eyes* up to the top of the ferris wheel and kissing her there, a la Ryan and Marissa from The O.C.

“We have to take this moment,” comands Stefan.  “I came back to this town to start a life with you.  We can’t forget to live it.”

(Awwwww!) 

And yet, just to keep things from getting too sappy, Kevin Williamson makes sure to end this romantic scene on a slightly dark note.  “It’s not going to get any easier, is it?”  Elena inquires.

“No, it’s not,” replies Stefan, before the screen eerily fades to black.

So, that was Episode 2.  What did you think?  Did you love Vampire Caroline as much as I did, or did you miss Vampire Katherine?   Were you insanely happy (like ME) or slightly disappointed that Elena has started talking to Damon, so soon after she claimed to HATE him?  And finally, were you as underwhelmed by the werewolf storyline as I was, or did Michael Trevino’s shirtlessness make it all OK?

That’s all I’ve got!  See you next week, fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

True Blood Dream Casting – Amelia Broadway (May Contain Slight Spoilers)

A few days back, I put on my amateur casting director’s hat, and offered some suggestions to Alan Ball, should he ever decide to translate the character of J.B. DuRone from Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse books to their companion television series, True Blood.  Seeing as I had so much fun doing that, I’ve decided to try my hand at casting another popular character from the book series, namely, Amelia Broadway.

Introduced in the sixth book of the series, Definitely Dead . . .

. . .  Amelia eventually becomes intimately linked with many of the series’ already established characters.  When we first meet Amelia, she is living in New Orleans . . .

 . . . where, for a time, she acted as landlady to Sookie’s cousin, and Queen Sophie Anne’s lover, Hadley . . .

In addition to being a landlady, Amelia also happens to be an aspiring witch . . .

 . . . but a GOOD one . . .

Unfortunately, Amelia’s “bewitching” skills are not quite up-to-par.  For example, there was this one time, when she wanted her boyfriend, Bob, to be more adventurous in the sack . . . so, she accidentally turned him into a cat . . .

In the books, Amelia is said to be around Sookie’s age (late 20’s).   The two become fast friends, especially after Amelia relocates to Bon Temps.  Single, spunky, fun, flirty and a little bit flighty, Amelia is certainly not the kind of gal who has any difficulty finding dates on a Friday night. 

Did I mention that she’s also bisexual?  Or that, in addition to her many male suitors, she also catches the eye of a certain female vampire, we all know and love?

Let’s cast this little witch, shall we?   Below are my top five choices, in no particular order.

1) Rachel Bilson

Age:  Turns 29 TODAY (August 25th)!  (Happy Birthday, Rachel!)

Where you’ve seen her: as the adorable Summer Roberts, in The O.C., as Cindy, in How I Met Your Mother, and as Millie, in the film, Jumper

Why she’d make a great Amelia: 

Rachel Bilson would really shine in a role like this!  As Summer on The O.C., Bilson played a character who, on the surface, was ditzy, shallow, and self-absorbed.  And yet, she gave the role a surprising amount of complexity, intelligence, and heart.  Thanks to the actress’ charm and talent, Summer, who started off the show as a two-dimensional “mean girl,” blossomed into the most charming and likeable female character on the entire series! 

Bilson also has the comedic chops to pull off Amelia’s less than stellar witchy moments, without making them seem too cheesy or slapstick.  Finally, in terms of age and temperment, I think she would be relatively believable, as a good friend of Anna Paquin’s Sookie.

2) Allison Munn

Age: 35 (but looks about 10 years younger!)

Where you’ve seen her: as Amanda Bynes sarcastic and slightly promiscuous friend, Tina, on What I Like About You, as Fez’s girlfriend, Caroline, on That 70’s Show, and as Lauren, on One Tree Hill

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

Of all the actors on this list, Allison Munn bears the most resemblance the image I had in my head of Amelia, when I was reading the Sookie Stackhouse books.  In terms of physical appearance, she is almost a perfect match!  Like Rachel Bilson, Allison has proven herself to have the comic timing necessary for a role like this.  Plus, those of you who have ever watched What I Like About You would likely agree that there are A LOT of similarities between Amelia, and the role she played on that show, at least in terms of both characters’ personality traits.

3) Rachel McAdams

Age: 31

Where you’ve seen her: as Regina George in Mean Girls, as Allie in The Notebook, as Claire in The Wedding Crashers, as Clare in The Time Traveler’s Wife . . . and the list just goes on . . .

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

I know!  I know!  There is VERY little chance that at this stage in her career, Rachel McAdams would have any interest in taking on a non-starring role in a television series.  But hey, I called this post “Dream Casting” for a reason, right? 

You know what’s so great about Rachel McAdams?  She has this flawless ability to literally transform herself for every role she plays.   (Not to mention the fact that she is the ONLY HUMAN ON THE PLANET who actually looks good as a blonde, brunette AND a redhead!). 

I remember seeing The Notebook, shortly after watching Mean Girls, and being absolutely shocked that the same actress played the lead (second lead?) in both.  But no matter WHO she’s playing, Rachel McAdams brings a certain likeability and relatability to her roles that is virtually unmatched in the industry.  This role would be no exception.

4) Monica Keena

Age: 31

Where you’ve seen her: as mean girl, Abby Morgan on Dawson’s Creek, as boy crazy Rachel on Undeclared, as “E’s” one-time girlfriend, Kristen, on Entourage, and as Lori Campbell in that pitiful Freddy vs. Jason movie

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

In my other three casting choices, I noted a few traits that made the aforementioned actresses particularly suited to play Amelia: comedic timing, charm, likeability, age appropriateness, and the right physical appearance.  Monica Keena has ALL of those things going for her.   But she also has something else:  sex appeal. 

Let’s face it, with the possible exception of Sookie (who, in my opinion, is WAY too monogamous, especially given all the FABULOUS male options she has available to her), Amelia probably gets laid more than any other female character in Charlaine Harris’ series.  She’s boy-crazy!  And GIRL crazy! 

Whoever plays Amelia must have what it takes to be a believable seductress for PAM!  Not very many women can pull that off.  I think Monica can . . .

5) Rose McGowan

Age: 36

Where you’ve seen her: as Neve Campbell’s DOOMED B.F.F., Tatum in Scream, as Dr. Teddy Rowe in Nip Tuck, as Cherry in the film, Grindhouse, and, perhaps, most importantly, as WITCH Paige Matthews in Charmed

Why she’d make a great Amelia:

Talk about sex appeal!  Rose McGowan has it in spades!  She’s also proven herself to be a solid comedic actress  (that “doggy door” scene in Scream never fails to make me giggle), as well as a remarkably energetic and likeable one (as evident in the Charmed series). 

Sure, McGowan would be a more mature, and certainly edgier Amelia, than any of the other actresses I’ve suggested.  Then again, isn’t Kristen Bauer a more mature and edgier Pam than the one Charlaine Harris described in her books?  Speaking of Kristen Bauer, how utterly cool would it be to watch her and McGowan share scenes together?  I suspect their chemistry would be amazing!

So, there you have it  — my top five casting picks for Amelia Broadway.  Who would YOU choose?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under casting, Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, True Blood

OMFG? Not so much . . . – The Top Ten “Been There, Seen That” Teen Television Cliches (Part 2 of 2)

A couple of days ago, I came up with a list of the top ten plotline cliches featured in teen-oriented television dramas.  In the first installment of this blog entry, I posted the first five of these cliches.  That list included: (1) the Pregnancy Plotline; (2) the Death of a Peripheral Character Plotline; (3) the Student / Teacher Relationship Plotline; (4) the Cheating on a Test  / Plagiarism Plotline; and, finally, (5) the “Bad Influence” Plotline.

This installment will focus on the following popular Teen Television Cliches: (1) the Love Triangle; (2) the Summer in Europe; (3) the Love / Hate Relationship; (4) the School Ski Trip; and, of course (5) the Prom.  So, without further adieu, what do you say we take off our creative thinking caps, embrace conformity, and get started?

1) “Can’t we all just . . . have a threesome, instead?” – The Love Triangle Plotline

The Storyline:  Girl meets boy.  Boy is attractive. 

Boy is also nice and sweet, albeit a tad boring (and, sometimes, a bit of a whiny b*tch). 

Or, conversely, Boy is total douche; 

but Girl’s parents love him;

He looks “good on paper.”

and Boy is sure to make Girl a very wealthy, but very bored, housewife, some time in the not-so-distant future, if she plays her cards right.

But then . . . Other Boy magically appears.

Unlike the original Boy, Other Boy is a little dangerous . . .

Maybe he’s from the wrong side of the proverbial “tracks” . . .

Or, perhaps he has a reputation for being a bit of male slut . . .

 . . . or a criminal.

 Or maybe he has a bit of a mean streak, so Girl isn’t sure she can really trust him.

But there is just something about the way Other Boy makes Girl feel . . .

She smiles and laughs more when she’s around him. 

(Click the internal link to watch.)

He makes her more fun!

And Other Boy continues to believe in Girl, and support her, long after everyone else has seemingly abandoned her (including the original Boy).

So, what’s a Girl to do, when she wants them both?

Who does she choose?  Well, that depends on the season . . . the Television Season, that is . . .

Examples: Joey, Pacey, and Dawson (Dawson’s Creek); Veronica, Logan, and Duncan (Veronica Mars); Marissa, Ryan, and Luke (The O.C.); Elena, Damon, and Stefan (The Vampire Diaries); Rory, Jesse, and Dean (Gilmore Girls); Blair, Chuck, and Nate (Gossip Girl); Peyton, Lucas, and Nate (One Tree Hill); Emma, Sean, and Peter (Degrassi: The Next Generation); Felicity, Ben, and Noel (Felicity); Casey, Cappie, and Evan (Greek); Lyla, Tim, and Jason (Friday Night Lights)

Why it’s a cliche?  Three words (One of them is a contraction).  Because . . . It’s . . . AWESOME!

When it comes to successful teen drama plotlines, The Love Triangle, is a surefire WIN!  After all, what girl wouldn’t want to have two totally hot guys, who are complete opposites of one another fighting over her!  Aside from allowing female fans to vicariously fulfill their deepest fantasies, Love Triangles provide the added benefit of making Teen Television watching a TEAM SPORT!  Boys have football and basketball.  Girls have  THIS . . .

Yes, boys and girls, choosing sides in a Love Triangle War is SERIOUS business!  (Girls have been shot over WAY less!)  Don’t believe me?  Check out the sheer intensity of THESE fan-fueled debates  . . .

About Blair, Chuck and Nate

About Elena, Damon, and Stefan

About Felicity, Ben, and Noel . . .

(The above video debate between these two twenty-somethings kind of goes off the rails, after the first five minutes.  But I love their obvious enthusiasm for a show that’s been off the air now for nearly a decade!  I also love their accents . . . and the very impressive “Portrait of Ben” one of them created.  Scott Speedman, himself, would be proud!)

2) “Go to Europe . . . because no one could possibly ‘find themselves’ in the States!”  – The Summer in Europe Plotline

“When in France, do as the French do . . . French kiss!”

(Here we go again!  Internal link clicking time!)

The Storyline: It’s close to the end of the Season.  Our female protagonist’s life is a mess!  It’s just jam packed with unresolved love triangles, family issues, and massive blowout fights with former friends.  And what better way is there to deal with all of your problems, than to run away from them?  So, our female protagonist jaunts off to Europe (usually Paris), leaving pining boys and cliffhangers in her wake . . .

 Once there, our female protagonist sees the sights . . .

and miraculously FINDS HERSELF!  When she comes back, she’s a COMPLETELY different person, than when she left.  Who knows?  She might even have a new completely random, doesn’t belong on the show at all boyfriend!

Examples: Serena and Blair (Gossip Girl); Joey Potter (Dawson’s Creek); Brenda and Donna (90210); Holly (What I Like About You)

Why it’s a Cliche?  The main character’s temporary departure from his or her home base is a great way to bring about a Teen Television Drama’s summer hiatus.  If us fans are forced to spend an ENTIRE summer away from our beloved gang of characters, at least we can sleep better knowing that they aren’t hanging out with one another EITHER!  Plus, filming a scene or two “across the pond” makes for a great excuse for the show’s writers to say to their producer, “I’d like an all expense paid European vacation, please.  What!  It’s for THE SHOW!”

A summer in another country is also a pretty good excuse to suddenly change the entire personality and demeanor of a character, without any rational explanation whatsoever .  . .

“I got my new girlfriend and a frontal lobe lobotomy in Prague.  Doesn’t everybody?

3) “He Loves Me  . . . He Hates My Guts . . . He Loves Me . . .” – The Love/ Hate Relationship Plotline

The Storyline: He’s a playboy, and a real ladies man.  But he comes across as mean, and kind of shallow.  She’s a Type A personality, who comes across as cold and a bit uptight. 

They butt heads from the moment they first appear on screen together.  They fight, and call eachother names.  They insult one another, and play nasty tricks on eachother. 

But there is a passion boiling beneath the surface, that both he and she are trying desperately to deny. 

At the time, he and she are both involved with other people.  Their significant others notice the sexual tension laced beneath their supposed hatred, and try in vain to ignore it.  But the tension only grows.  Jealous and longing looks become prevalent.  Lingering touches, and moments of out-of-character “niceness,” between the two make each member of the pair begin to question their feelings. 

The guy in this scenario typically recognizes his feelings for her first. 

(You know the drill . . .)

But he usually keeps this to himself, out of fear of being ridiculed by the new object of his desires.  Then the two are placed in a dramatic situation.  Suddenly their mutual passion for one another overtakes them.  And they both give in to their desires.

Examples: Joey and Pacey (Dawson’s Creek); Buffy and Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer); Veronica and Logan (Veronica Mars); Seth and Summer (The O.C. – sort of . . . well . . . she hated him); Elena and Damon (The Vampire Diaries); Blair and Chuck (Gossip Girl)

Why it’s a Cliche?  You know how everyone always talks about how hot Makeup Sex is?  A couple fights, and then they make up.  All that angst and sexual energy, built up from all that red-faced arguing, is just kindling for the inevitable Orgasmic Fire of “Getting Back Together.”  And THAT’S from a fight that might last a day!  You can just imagine how hot Makeup Sex would be if the couple fought nonstop for TWO SEASONS!

4) “When the temperatures get COLD, the action gets HOT!” – The Ski Trip Plotline

The Storyline:  I’m going to be honest, this one was less of a “storyline” and more of a “plot convention.”  (Hey!  YOU try to come up with ten of these things . . . It’s not as easy as it looks.)  But did you ever notice how virtually EVERY teen drama features at least one ski trip?  BIG THINGS always happen on ski trips too!  People get drunk, get laid, get raped, or cheat on their significant other!   And someone ALWAYS hurts their foot, and conveniently can’t ski!

Examples:

Dawson’s Creek:

Jenn hurts her foot, gets wasted, and almost screws Gay Jack. 

Pacey and Joey do it for the first time!

Boy Meets World:

Cory hurts his foot too!  And makes out with Linda Cardellini!

Other fabulous shows featuring wild and crazy teen ski trips include Degrassi: Next Generation (Darcy gets date raped), and What I Like About You (Holly comes to terms with her feelings for Vince).

Precisely NONE of these characters were ever shown ACTUALLY skiing . . .

Why it’s a Cliche?  There’s just something about being away from home and your parents . . . about sleeping in a log cabin, right next to the fire.  You relax.  You let your guard down.  You get a little slutty and make bad choices.  (Except in the case of Pacey and Joey . . . that choice was GOOD!)  Plus, it’s WAY cheaper to film on location in some fake ski lodge than say . . . taking your entire cast and crew to Europe.

5) “Question:  What happened at Prom?  Answer: EVERYTHING!” – The Prom Plotline

The Storyline: It’s the event of the WHOLE season!  The entire cast will be in attendance!  But not everybody is going with the person they WANT to be going with. 

 A couple will break up.  A couple will get back together. 

Someone will win prom queen. 

 

Someone’s heart will be broken. 

A couple will finally do it. 

Another couple will ALMOST do it, but decide to wait . . . Oh, and someone will get wasted and make an ass of herself.

Examples: Dawson’s Creek, The O.C., 90210, Veronica Mars, Gossip Girl

Why it’s a Cliche?  For every high school girl, the Prom is the culminating social event of her entire pre-college academic career.  Even the most jaded of high school students (and I, myself, was already pretty jaded by that time) can’t help but dream of having the perfect dress, the perfect limo, the perfect Prom date, and the perfect slow dance.  For most of us, with all that build up and preparation, Prom itself ends up being pretty anti-climactic.  (The Post Prom Beach Trip, on the other hand . . . now, THAT ROCKED!).  But if we CAN’T have the perfect Prom, at least we can get the joy of seeing our television friends experience it for us.

So, there you have it – Ten Trashtastic Teen Television Cliches for your viewing pleasure!  Doesn’t it all make you feel OLD?

 

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Filed under 90210, Boy Meets World, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawson's Creek, Degrassi: The Next Generation, Felicity, Gossip Girl, Greek, nostalgia, teen dramas, Television Super Couples, The O.C., The Vampire Diaries, Top Ten Lists, Veronica Mars, What I Like About You