Tag Archives: Rebekah Mikaelson

The Boy Who Cried “Dead” (and the Wolf who Cried “Gone”) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Down the Rabbit Hole”

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Hola, Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, someone DIED again . . . but maybe not permanently . . . it’s kind of hard to tell.

don't die jer

elena and jer

bonjer

elena stabs jer

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Someone left Mystic Falls forever    for a REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME     for a few episodes, at LEAST!

tyler points

And someone RETURNED FROM ETERNAL EXILE, at least until her NEXT eternal exile!

the kat thank me brought cure

This is a big deal, right?  I mean these sorts of things don’t happen every week . . .

must be thurs

OK, you got me.  They kind of do happen every week in Mystic Falls.  But still!   When someone dies, they usually stay dead!

not dead forget your mistakes

When someone leaves, they usually stay gone!

shakes head

When someone returns, they usually stick around.

no no no its delena love

All these things could mean big changes for the show, as we know it.  RIGHT?

stefan shrug

No?  Oh well!  On with the recap, anyway  .  . .

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who will undoubtedly miss screencapping JerBear’s abs, just as much as I miss writing about them!]

Skin Care with Damon Salvatore

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When we last left Damon Salvatore, he was dead . . .

got to be kidding

No, seriously.  I don’t mean like “undead.”  I mean, that vampire hunter guy snapped his neck, and he wasn’t breathing.  (See what I mean about deaths being unusually passe and temporary, on this show?)

Anywhoo, Damon’s alive again now . . .

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Except, he’s got a noose around his neck, and is being humiliatingly dragged around Lost Island by the guy who “killed” him . . .

soap dish smash

These two are flirting with one another, something fierce.  The Vampire Hunter (who’s name is “Vaughn” by the way), compares Damon to a mosquito, an adorable pet name, if I’ve ever heard one.

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He also tells Damon that he’s been watching him, and all his friends closely (Though, apparently, not closely enough to know that Damon doesn’t give two craps about Bonnie.); and that he plans to use him to wake and kill the Infamous Silas.

In return, Damon remarks on Vaughn’s nifty new tattoo (which apparently sprouted new wings around the same time THIS happened) .  . .

defans jeremy hulk

tattoo eee

Then, the eternal stud boasts of his own, supple, ink-free, skin.

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Oh, just get a room already, you two .  . . or at least a nice hole in the ground!

We interrupt this Very Sexy Infomercial for another “Previously on The Vampire Diaries” phone conversation . . .  Take it away, Elena . . .

elena on phone

“Like previously .  .  . on The Vampire Diaries . . .  we all went to this crazy island, where dudes wearing dreadlocks and white face paint occasionally try to  stake us and shoot us with arrows.  But you and Tyler didn’t get to come, because you were  both busy getting hit on / almost murdered by Klaus.  And then, like,  Damon and I TOTALLY got into this big fight, because I want to take The Cure.  And he like . . . doesn’t?  And then he disappeared, and I thought it was because he was mad at me.  But I think he’s like actually in a lot of danger?  So, um, anyway, even though last week we said we had no cell phone reception here, and now it seems like we lied . . . would you mind going to Klaus’ house, picking up his sword map, and sending us pictures of it?  Because we totally came to this remote and dangerous island without any plan, whatsoever?”

caroline on phone

“What?  Elena?  I can’t hear you.  This is a really bad connection.  *makes fake static noises into the phone*  Ohhh, I think I’m losing you.  Gotta go. Have fun failing to get The Cure.  Byeeeeeee!”

elena on phone 2

“I can’t believe that b*tch hung up on me, on MY SHOW!”

Then, Caroline goes to Klaus’ house, so she can fondle his big ancient sword, which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds . . .

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“Thanks so much for your help!  Here, have a rock!”

Poor Not-Johnny Depp . . .

johnny depp guy

depp tonto

He went through all this trouble to capture Bonnie and JerBear, and all he got for his troubles was a DAMN ROCK!

rock

Shane said the rock . . . like . . . had some sh*t like that.  Bull honky!  It looked like a plain old rock to me!  And it certainly didn’t help keep Not Johnny Depp from ending up like this . . .

dead guy

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Sorry Not Johnny Depp guy!  Unlike the rest of the characters on this show, I’m thinking you are probably going to STAY dead.  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you don’t have to shell out extra cash for a fancy gravestone!  You already have a rock!

Gravestone Eyes

Aramaic for Dummies

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler, Caroline and Klaus are having a great time surfing for porn on the internet . . .

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pictures of jer bear

“Hey, look!  It’s Andre’s screencaps!”

 . . .  and taking turns rubbing Klaus’ big ancient sword . . .

holding sword

Tyler: “I think my sword is bigger.”

Caroline: “Trust me, it isn’t.”

jerbear sexy

“Hey Caroline, don’t YOU want to hold my sword for a little while?”

hold sword

Tyler: “I’m not going to lie, this is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.”

Actually, Tyler and Caroline are using Klaus’ surprise knowledge of Aramaic to translate the sword.  They immediately call Rebekah on the phone to share the intel with her, figuring she’s on Team Scooby, anyway, so why not.  But then Klaus drops a not particularly surprising, because we all pretty much knew this from the beginning bombshell on them, which makes them wish they used cell phone minutes a bit more wisely.  As it turns out, there’s only enough vampire cure for ONE PERSON!

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Oh no!  If Vampire Klaus Barbie gets to the cure first, the Scooby Gang won’t be able to use it to .  . . SAVE ELENA!  Oh the humanity!

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“I don’t know why I’m crying.  I’m not even on this show.”

So, I guess now, in the words of the Three Musketeers,  it’s all for one, and one for .  . . ONE?

Meanwhile, back on Lost Island . . .

Stefan and Elena – Friends Forever . . . Literally

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Stefan and Elena share a nice platonic moment, during which Stefan admits that he still wants to grow old and eventually croak, even if that means never being able to insert his 160 + year old weiner (which might very well become instantly wrinkly, once he gets the cure) into Elena ever again.  Watching from afar, Rebekah doesn’t find this moment all that platonic . . .

jelly

rebekah heart

Poor Beks . . . she’s always a bridesmaid.  (But hey, at least she’s the bridesmaid that ends up getting laid in the coat closet at the wedding reception!)

shhhdamon beks memory

stebekah

With her new knowledge about The Cure in tow, Rebekah cleverly separates Elena from Stefan, so that she can reveal to the latter her deep dark secret about  The Cure’s limitations.  She then asks Stefan if he’s going to end up giving the darn thing to Elena, anyway.  He can’t deny it, so she breaks his neck.  Ahhhh, young love . . . or, perhaps, I should say really, really, really  old love!

bitch mode activated

And just like that, another temporary death has rocked Mystic Falls.

Later, Elena comes to Stefan’s temporary death rescue, at which time he breaks for her the bad news about The Cure.  Elena’s response to this news is arguably more surprising than anything else that happens during the episode . . .

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WOAH!  Look who’s gone and become all self-aware on us!

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All sarcasm aside, I was kind of proud of Elena, in this moment.  In past seasons, Elena has always been treated by the rest of the cast (except, maybe Rebekah) as a Delicate Flower, because she was a young fragile human, in a world of Old Dangerous Vampires, Werewolves, Witches and Whatevers.

damon gives elena flower

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“And what am I, chopped liver?”

But now, Elena is a vampire, who has committed murder.

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She has no greater claim on her humanity / right to The Cure than any other life-loving vampire on this show.  And the fact that she understands that, and is willing to own up to it, makes me a lot more sympathetic to her character, than I have been in recent episodes . . .

happy elena

In fact, Elena gets over the fact that she’s probably going to be a vampire for the rest of eternity, a lot quicker than one might suspect.  Instantly, she’s rushing toward the cave, dragging Stefan in tow, so that the pair can obtain the cure, and use it ON KLAUS!

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“Not before I get my spinoff, b*tches!”

Things we do for love .  . .

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Also in the cave, Damon refuses to continue to be dragged around as Vaughn’s vampire puppy dog.

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“I’ll let you off your leash, once you lift your leg and pee on the tree!”

Like the rest of the crew, thanks to Vaughn, he has also been blessed (or cursed, depending on the way you see things) with the knowledge that there is only one cure.  And while Vaughn’s idea to use the cure on SILAS, thereby preventing an impending apocalypse, even if it means all vampires shall STAY vampires for eternity, definitely seems like the better deal for Damon . . .

sexy delena 2

delena sex real

 . . . he’s still willing to risk all that, if it means making the woman he loves happy.  (Little does Damon know, Elena is TOTALLY willing to forgo the cure, if it means continuing to bone him for the rest of time, without Klaus constantly on their tail.)  So, Damon makes a move to beat the crap out of Vaughn, along with some help from a surprising source . . .

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Rebekah!

crushing beks moonlight-dream

So what if they both end up totally getting their asses handed to them, by a mere HUMAN guest star, and end up passed out next to one another on the floor . . .

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It’s the thought that counts, right!

Later, when Stefan and Elena come to Damon’s rescue, he agrees to bow out gracefully, and let Stefan keep the proverbial Hero Hat that fits his slightly large head so well.  Damon doesn’t really want Elena to have the cure, because he fears it will be the end of their relationship.  But he’s not going to inadvertently stand in the way of her obtaining it either . . .

love you damon

Further up in the cave, Elena encounters a familiar face . . . one that has no trouble whatsoever kicking her BUTT!

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“This  is sooooo not my episode!  I’m calling my agent.”

Golly gee!  I wonder who it could be?

It’s the CIRCLE OF LIFE and tattoo removal

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Over in Nosebleed Bonnie land, Shane finds a Perfect Circle, and positively no one’s everyone’s favorite witch uses the shape as an excuse to fondle Jer Bear’s naked body, once again.  (Honestly, can you blame her?)

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JerBear: “But Bonnie, I thought you loved me for my mind?”

Bonnie: “Shut up and take off your pants, I have Very Important Witchy Work  to do!”

JerBear: “But the tattoo is only on my chest.”

Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*

hot hand job

Bonnie: “Wow, I can feel your tattoo moving and growing.  The magic must be working.”

Jer Bear: *whistles awkwardly*

Bonnie must have really strong hands!  All it takes is a few fondles, and Jer Bear’s tattoo’s disappear, like he’s just had the Best Laser Treatment EVER!

erase

“Thanks for the free tattoo removal.  You know, I also have this freckle on my left butt cheek that I never much cared for.  Do you think you could take that off too?”

Elsewhere, Vaughn’s tattoos disappear as well.  Unfortunately, no one had the foresight to take off HIS shirt, or this could have REALLY been a party!

shoot score

“This is total crap.  I’m calling my agent too!”

Knowing what a total unapologetic perv I am, I suspect a lot of you assumed that my favorite part of this episode was that the mere fact of Bonnie touching JerBear’s Man Parts caused an honest-to-goodness avalanche in the Silas Cave . . .

the show

But that’s not true at all!  My actual favorite part of the episode came a little later, when that same avalanche ended up paralyzing Professor Dumpy Dork, and the rest of the Scooby Gang left him to ROT!

scared shane

Now THAT was awesome!  Honestly, they should have done that about five episodes ago!

left to die

caroline laugh

clap for bonus

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But then, JerBear has to go and ruin all that awesomeness, by putting his shirt back on.  LAME!

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“I’m sorry!  My nipples got cold, OK?”

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Welcome back, Zombie Granny!

Bonnie knows she’s getting closer to Silas’ coffin when her Ghost Granny, who is suddenly sporting a SERIOUS case of the Crazy Eyes, pops up out of no where, and tells her that she should feed her blood to the rotted dead corpse . . .

crazy gram

“Hi sweetie!  Go kill yourself, OK?  Grandma knows best!”

Fortunately, JerBear, who’s seen more dead people in his lifetime than that kid from The Sixth Sense . . .

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 . . . knows that Zombie Grams is nothing more than a figment of Bonnie’s Silas-controlled imagination.  He knows some sense into Bon-Bon, just in time for her to get stabbed in the back by that pesky Vampire Hunter Vaughn.

The Long(ish) Goodbye

With Bonnie out of commission, Klaus has earned his Get Out of Box Free Card, and can no return to the important work of Terrorizing the Cast of The Vampire Diaries Until His Spinoff Begins . . .

santa klaus

Not wanting Klaus to kill her boyfriend again, or chase him out of town for the 85,000th time, Caroline appeals to the Original Vampire’s “softer side,” by admitting to him that, like him, she too prefers her fangy, eternally youthful self, to the shallow, self-absorbed human brat she was back in Season 1 . . .

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   . . . at least not anymore . . .

In return for this heartfelt admission, Klaus agrees to let Tyler take another multi-episode hiatus, before he goes and tries to kill him again.

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Caroline: “Does this mean that Tyler gets a spinoff too?  It could be called Hungry Like a Hybrid?”

Klaus: “Don’t push your luck.”

Outside on the porch, Caroline and Tyler share a tearful, sweet, and possibly, but probably not, permanent, goodbye. . .

forwoody

Tyler: “See you next season?”

Caroline: “Absolutely . . . well . . . unless the writers have given me another love interest by then, in which case, nice knowing ya . . .”

forwood goodbye

forwood goodbye 2

The on again, off-again couple genuinely promise to attempt to live full and happy lives without one another.  And I swear I’m not crying, it’s just raining on my face . . . or I’m chopping onions .  . . or something . . .

The Selfless Salvatore

Speaking of touching, Rebekah and Damon share a surprisingly genuine moment, during which Rebekah expresses her admiration for Damon’s selflessness, with regard to Elena and the cure.

get the damn cure

 

I really do like Rebekah, and think it’s about time she gets herself a hookup that isn’t Elena’s sloppy seconds.  Anyone else agree?

Surprise!

Further down in the cave, we FINALLY get our first glimpse of the ever elusive SILAS . . .

silas

 

And I hate to say this, but he kind of looks like Mikael . . . you know   . . . that OTHER big scary vampire type, who started off entombed, until he fed on one of the cast members, and then awoke, only to die about two episodes later . . .

3 6 mike

3 6 eat kat

 

Deja-vu?

If you recall, it was actually the unlucky Kat, who received the honors of being Mikael’s first meal, which is fitting, when you think about it, because . . . well . . . I’ll get to that in a bit.

So, Vampire Hunter Vaughn is fighting with Vampire Hunter Jer Bear, when “Elena” makes a surprise appearance, and rescues her brother from certain death . . .

kat vaughn

JerBear’s first hint that “Elena” isn’t quite herself, is when he has to REMIND her not to KILL Vaughn, and risk being saddled with that pesky Vampire Hunter Murderer curse again.  His second hint, is when she refuses to help paralyzed Bonnie, which I think is just good sense.  That witch is a pain in thee ass!

brat

 

But alas, JerBear figures out a bit too late that the vampiric female, who came to his rescue is not his sister at all, but . . . wait for it . . . KATHERINE PIERCE . . .

2 15 surprise

 

the kat eating apple petrova gifs

 

Annnd . . . then she feeds JerBear to Silas, who breaks his neck, and leaves him lying dead on the floor.  (So much for avoiding that Hunter Killer Curse, Katherine!)

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So, is Mystic Falls’ Shirtless Wonder REALLY dead?  Or just FAKE DEAD . . . like all those other times?

dead jerrr

It’s hard to tell at this point.  And this makes it difficult for me, as a viewer, to have a genuine emotional response to a loss which, if it actually sticks, will be a pretty major blow to the Mystic Falls Community, on multiple levels . . .

jer 1

(I’ll miss those ARMS, that’s for sure!)

The promos certainly want us to believe that JerBear is gone for good.

But IS he?

stefan shrug

Only time . .  . and next week’s episode will tell . . .  See ya then, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

I Know What You Did Last Silas . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Into the Wild”

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Nothing like a little change of scenery to shake things up a bit.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, we all love getting wasted on whiskey at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

save a drink for

And getting staked at Elena Gilbert’s house .  . .

throwing stakes

And getting chased by psychopaths down the hallway of Mystic Falls High . . .

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And we DEFINITELY love getting wet in Damon’s shower . . .

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But sometimes we all can use a break from the daily grind of getting our hearts ripped out of our chests . . .

rebekah heart

. . . and hot no-frills sex . . .

stebekah

. . . and drama with a capital D.

delena

Sometimes, we just need to . . . go to Canada . . .

This week’s installment of TVD was a literal detour from week’s past, in that a good portion of it took place on a remote island off the coast of Nova Scotia . . . Lost Island Silas Island.  So, strap on that backpack, hold your ancient headstone up high, and practice your “expression,” Fangbangers.  Because it’s time to head . . . “Into the Wild.”

delena scene

[As always special thanks to Andre, who photographs Steven R. McQueens pectorals more lovingly than Bonnie Bennett ever could . . .]

Bushy hair is whacked!

scared shane

It’s Super Short Flashback Time!  Professor Dumpy Dork is being chased through the forest by . . . wait . . . is that Johnny Depp’s character from The Lone Ranger?

running man

depp tonto

I guess we can take this to mean the natives are on Team Dead Kol, when it comes to letting The Cure stay buried, right alongside other Discarded TVD Plotlines, like Damon’s Crow and Bonnie’s decision to date her sort-of brother?

funny kol face

“Now, where was Johnny Depp, last week, when I was getting my ass handed to me at Baby Vamp’s house?”

Back in the present day, our Scooby Gang (minus Caroline and Tyler) arrives on Lost Island Silas Island in their trusty canoes.  (Who knew Mystic Falls had its very own Eastern Mountain Sports store?)  Professor Dumpy Dork waxes poetic about the island, and makes some lame vampire sunscreen joke to Damon, who looks unamused.

sunscreen

“Are you sure?  It smells like coconuts?”

Then, Rebekah and Elena try to stake one another in front of Stefan, who looks VERY amused, but has to pretend he’s not . . . you know, to protect his image as the Brooding Tortured One.

girlfight

Hey . . . you know what . . . while we are waiting for something exciting to happen, let’s go ahead and give our Scooby Gang their Lost identities for the hour.  After all, this is the Lost episode of TVD, after all.  (For those of you who never watched Lost, feel free to skip down to the next section, as this part is going to make absolutely no sense to you.)

dancing losties light-comma-sticks

Professor Dumpy Dork, of course, is our Benjamin Linus.  You know, the guy who fans new was bad news, the minute he appeared on screen.  And yet the Losties took about a season to figure out the exact same thing . . .

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professor shane

Damon is that uber sexy snarky rascal, Sawyer (naturally) . . .

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Which, I guess makes Elena, the intrepid Kate . . .

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And Stefan the serious minded doctor with daddy issues, Jack . . .

we have to go back

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Depending on your personal feelings about her, Rebekah could either be the started-out-as-an-Other, but-turned-into-an-ally / plucky love interest blonde, Juliet . . .

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 . . . or the bratty, doomed-to-die blonde with brother issues, Shannon . ..

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Our warrior Jeremy, will double as THEIR Warrior, Sayid . . .

sayid warrior

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Also starring Bonnie Bennett as . . .  the Smoke Monster . . .

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X Marks Jeremy’s Nipple

Now, I like obligatory shots of Steven R. McQueen’s naked flesh as much as the next girl . . .

photograph body

But could someone please tell me why they waited until the crew got to FREEZING COLD LOST ISLAND for Bonnie to start snapping pictures of JerBear’s hot bod?

stefan shrug

They couldn’t have done that before they left . . . like, say, in Jeremy’s bed?

Because the way Bonnie was fondling that tattoo definitely seemed illustrate a bit more than “scientific interest” on her part . . .

fondle

And let’s be honest, as far as Maps To the Cure go, this one seems to pretty much be the Easiest One to Read EVER.  I mean, we are pretty much talking about a straight line from Jer Bear’s right arm to his left nipple.  Not much room for error, there . . .

more nip

As for the theory that JerBear’s hunter tattoo is not a map at all, but a “spell to awaken Silas,” that theory ends up pretty much being a dead end too.  So, in other words, the Scooby Gang just had thousands of vampires, so that Jeremy could look sexier with his shirt off . . .

jeremy arm

Makes perfect sense to me!

This is My Confession . . .

Damon Salvatore .  . . He’s an enigma, wrapped in pain, wrapped in love, leather, and a nice behind .  . .

nice behind 1

damon eternal stud

He was a self-proclaimed monster, with a deep dark secret, one he couldn’t bare to share with anyone, who would live to tell it to anyone else.  Damon Salvatore was a vampire, who missed his humanity . . .

And yet, unlike a certain other Salvatore, he was never ashamed of who he was.  And when the woman he loved also turned into a vampire . . . well . . . it didn’t change how he felt about her, in the least . . .

So, he taught her to love herself, which, in turn, helped her to realize that she loved him . . .

Why am I recapping all of this for you?  Well, basically, because I found Damon’s admission this week, that, not only did HE not want the cure,  but he didn’t want Elena to take it either, a bit confusing.

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Now, don’t get me wrong, I particularly enjoyed Ian Somerhalder’s acting this week.  There was a certain wistfulness about him, that we haven’t seen in some time.  I loved the resigned sadness on his face, as Elena fervently reassured him of her continued love for him, human or vampire.

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It was quite obvious that Damon’s history wasn’t letting him believe her.  Yet, he really WANTED to believe her.  And, above all, he wanted her to be happy.  So, he pretended to be happy too, even though, inside, he was miserable.

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That made sense to me.  What didn’t make sense was Damon’s sudden shunning of Elena . . . his assertion that he wouldn’t want to be with her, while she got old and died, and he stayed the same age . . . even though, for three seasons, the love unrequited Elder Salvatore seemed like he would have given the world for that opportunity.

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Was Damon lying to himself?  Was he subconsciously trying to make himself believe that he could no longer love a human Elena, so that it would hurt less, if she stopped loving him?

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Then again, maybe, the writers are just doing a little ret-con to make the inevitable plot twist of DAMON dying and coming back as a human, while Elena stays a vampire, more epic.

And, while we’re on the subject, shouldn’t this so-called sire bond, have immediately caused Elena to shun the cure, once she realized that her taking it would displease Damon?

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Whatever the reason, I cheered when Damon tried to beat the sh*t out of Professor Dumpy Dork.  (A least someone has finally wised up to the idea that this guy is up to no good.)  And I was kind of bummed, when Elena stopped him.

soap dish smash

Speaking of the Shanester . . .

Fake Aztec Moonstone Curse 2: Electric Boogaloo

I don’t know about you guys, but for me, there was something about Shane’s flashback stories that struck me as a little bit . . . what’s the word I’m looking for here . . . oh yeah, FULL OF CRAP!  Let’s review, shall we?

(1) This week we learn that Bonnie’s witch ancestor buried Silas alive, to punish him for planning to use HER cure for immortality spell on ONE other woman.  And yet, the Scooby Gang somehow believes there’s enough of this cure for all the vampires in the world?

Damon eye roll

(2) Professor Shady Douche claims he got this entire idea for the Journey to Rescue Silas from a  . . . hallucination he had of his Crazy Dead Witch Wife?  And no finds that the least bit disturbing / odd?

now im crazy gg plotholes

(3) The “Good” Professor boldly admits that route to the cure involves THREE massacres, not the two he’s already brought about.  And NONE of these people, who have just been brought to a deserted island . . . where no one can hear you scream . . . is the least bit worried, that they’ve been brought here not because they have some big rock in their pants, or a gnarly tattoo, or a nice ass, or a nosebleed problem . . . but because they are PIGS FOR SLAUGHTER?

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And, finally (4) any plan that involves Poor Man’s Benjamin Linus protecting the increasingly volatile Bonnie Smoke Monster from erupting hot lava all over Canada, just seems doomed to fail from the get-go.

what have i done

But hey, what do I know?  I’m just the lowly recapper, right?

nodding oh yeah


Two Vamps and a Stefan . . .

Damon’s Lady Troubles render him unusually incapable of snark this week.  Fortunately, Rebekah hops right in to the role of comic relief, lobbing zingers, left and right, mostly at her favorite target  . . . Elena.  From her wry determination that Elena was the only one who brought nothing to the table, when it came to the Scooby Gang’s quest for the cure (though, it could be argued that, since carrying a headstone requires only one vampire, not two, Rebekah, herself was equally useless) . . .

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 . . . to her later insistence that she saved Elena from the flying spear of an angry native, because she wanted the perky brunette’s death to be EPIC, Rebekah had me chuckling multiple times throughout the episode.

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Oh, and let’s not forget her wise recognition of Damon’s ASS-ets . . .

damon approves

I also related very much to Rebekah’s obvious fear, as the group sat at the Blair Witch Campfire that night, of things going bump in the night.  Many would argue that an All-Powerful Original Vampire shouldn’t fear lesser supernatural creatures, like ghosts and dumb natives.

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But I’m personally terrified of spiders and cockroaches, so I certainly can’t fault her for that . . .

Plus, it gave her a nice excuse to cozy up close to Stefan, a union I fully support.

stebekah 1

In addition to being funny, Rebekah also appears to be the Voice of Reason in this episode, when she reminds the rest of the Scooby Gang, that they are all just as evil murderous monsters as she is . . . killing anyone and everything that gets in the path of the people she loves.  So, why don’t they all just cut the crap, and work together?

trust me yes

And work together is precisely what Stefan, Rebekah, and Elena ultimately decide to do . . . after Damon, JerBear and Bonnie disappear, and Wanna Be Ben Linus makes off with their precious headstone . . .

Gravestone Eyes

“Smell ya later, losers!”

Elena even offers Rebekah back her “Originals Take a Nap” Dagger, as a sort of peace offering.

happy elena

I mean, it’s not like they have any other options. We interrupt the I Guess NOT Everybody Loves Elena After All Show, to bring you . . .

Klaus in a Box

Back in Mystic Falls, our loveable Box inhabitant gets his very first visitor, Tyler.  (Welcome back, Tyler!)  At first, they just growl and snarl at one another a bit, and exchange “I killed yo mama / yo brudda jokes.”

tyler points

Tyler smugly notes that, once his Scooby pals get The Cure, they will use it to “humanize” Klaus, and break the sire line.  This way, they can kill him, without subsequently murdering everyone in the cast.  Look at you, Tyler. . . a few months as a hybrid, and already you are an Expert in Vampire Mythology And Other Things Completely Unknown to the Rest of the World.

2 3 tyler scratch

(Except, a certain in-the-works spinoff tells us all, this isn’t actually going to happen.  So, thanks for playing, Tyler.  Better luck next time.)

Then, Caroline pops over to do a little happy house cleaning.  I liked very much how her version of disposing of Kol’s dead corpse was putting a blanket over it.  That’s how I handle most of the stains in my house, so I can relate.

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

When Klaus tries to appeal to Caroline’s good will for a Get Out of Box Free Card, she scoffs at the idea, insisting that Klaus “is not worth the calories she burns” yelling at him.

calories

Huh?  Since when does Vampire Barbie not like to burn calories?  Don’t all girls like to burn calories?  Are vampires even capable of burning calories, considering they are . . . you know . . . dead . . . and stuff?

So, many questions.   Unfortunately, we won’t have time to answer any of them, because, the minute Caroline finishes speaking Klaus stakes Caroline, and bites her neck, rendering her unconscious, and, prospectively doomed to death by werewolf venom poison.

bite

It looks like someone should have created a smaller Klaus Box . . . BONNIE!

bonnie kol

So, now Caroline is dying . . . again . . . and it’s shades of the last time Caroline was dying from a werewolf bite.  Except, this time, instead of sort of / kind of compelling Tyler to do it, this time Klaus “bites” the bullet, no pun intended, and does the dirty work himself . . .

bloody mouth

“Now, that was well worth the calories,” Klaus jokes.

(Stupid boys and their fast metabolisms.  They think it’s just soooooo easy to burn off a late night bite of Caroline . . .)

Tyler is horrified . . .  Caroline is on the Gilbert fainting couch, looking really pretty for a near-death girl.  Tyler begins to bargain out of desperation, “If you save her, I’ll be your b*tch again,” he pleads hopefully.

3 9 gay for klaus 2

“Been there, sired that,” Klaus replies . . . more or less.

3 3 bored honour in

So, Tyler carries Caroline home to die in peace . . . annnnd then he brings her back.

carrying car

(Now, that’s what I call a good workout!)

too hot tyler

Tyler leaves Caroline to die in front of Klaus, which had to be a tough thing for him to do, on multiple levels.  For one thing, there is no guarantee (at least in Tyler’s mind) that Klaus will save her.  So, there’s a very good chance, he will return to the Gilbert’s house to find her dead.  For another,  Tyler is basically leaving the woman he loves in the arms of another man, hoping that THAT man’s love will be enough to allow her to continue living.  AWKWARD!

scared tyler

From a character development perspective, I kind of wish the producers lingered on Tyler’s face for just a few brief moments, after he “dropped Caroline off.”  I think it would have added an extra layer of poignancy to the scene.  But unfortunately for Tyler, this storyline ended up not really being about him at all . . .

3 12 mad tyler

Like with Damon’s scenes this week, Klaus’ and Caroline’s “moment” was more notable for the brilliant acting displayed during it, than for the writing that made up the scene itself.  I’ve never really considered myself much of a Klaus fangirl (waves at blogger pal, Amy / Imaginary Men).  However, there’s just something about his Angry!Cry that just melts my heart to mush, every time I see it . . .

cant look 1

cant look 2

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And Angry!Cry was in full force as the dying Caroline dangled the carrot of The Redemptive Power of Love in front of his face.  “I’ve caught myself wishing I could forget all the horrible things you’ve done,” Caroline says, in one labored breathe.  “Anyone capable of love, is capable of being saved,” she says in another.

in love 1

in love 2

love saved 3

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Girlfriend is like a Life-sized Dying Hallmark Card . . .

But it worked . . . on Klaus, anyway . . . who Angry!Cried his bloody wrist to Caroline’s lips, just moments before she took her last breath . . .

saving

3 11 klaroline savior

Deja-vu?

Back at Lost and Found Island . . .

Jer Bear gets kidnapped by (I think) the axe murdering Johnny Depp, who tried to kill him, earlier in the episode . . .

captured jer

“You’re not really Johnny Depp!  Liar!”

Bonnie Smoke Monster makes some . . . wait for it . . . Black Smoke.

black smoke bonnie

Damon wanders off to sulk, and gets temporarily killed by a (hot?) vampire hunter, as punishment for being overly broody . . .

got to be kidding

Professor Evil drags new hostage Jer Bear and Bonnie off into the sunset to find Silas.

gangs all here

But at least he’s taken that ridiculous flashlight hat off his head . .

stupid flashlight

He looks like the forgotten cast member of The Village People.

Ruh-roh . . .

surprised-face

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries, meet Hot Vaughn: Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire.  Here’s hoping he lets us see HIS Hunter Tattoo, before the hour is up . . .

Tune in next time to find out who!  Until then, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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That was Kol-d! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “A View to a Kill”

defans jeremy hulk

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JerBear, SMASH!

“If you’re going to be bad, be bad with a purpose.”

bad purpose 2

These are the sage words of advice “Mostly Reformed” Villain Damon Salvatore offers “Most-of-the-Time” Villain Klaus Mikaelson, while their respective friends and lovers are out trying to murder Klaus’ brother Kol.

A little ironic . . . don’t ya think?

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

But is Damon right?  Are TV characters who do bad things for good reasons always redeemable, while those who do bad things for bad reasons are, in the words of Damon, himself, “just dicks?”

douchebag jar misomeru

Take for example the now dearly departed, Kol Mikaelson.  Here’s a guy who, make no mistakes, has been doing some pretty bad things lately.  Let’s see . . .

He killed a group of innocent newbie vampires in a bar (though, let’s face it, they were all pretty much goners, regardless).

dead baby vamps

He threatened his own sister with the True Death.

hot kol 2

He made Damon stab himself.

stabbing self

He compelled Damon to kill Jeremy.

zombie damon

He terrorized Elena and Jeremy in their own home.

kol rampage

Trust me, Santa is definitely not putting Kol on any Nice List, this year.

santa klaus

And yet, ostensibly speaking, Kol had good reasons for doing all of these things.  He was doing them to try to avoid what he believed was the arrival of the END OF THE WORLD.

The Scooby Gang, on the other hand, murdered Kol, and, by extension THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of vampires . . . not all of whom were definitively terrible people, by the way . . . because they wanted to . . . make it easier for Elena to resolve her romantic feelings for Damon and Stefan?

stefan shrug

Hmm . . . maybe Damon’s wrong.  Perhaps, the difference between a redeemable TV villain and an irredeemable one really just comes down to . . . whose name is higher on the credits?

happy elena

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre,  whose screencaps are .  . . wait for it . . . to DIE FOR, MWAH-HAHAHA!]

Vampire Walk of Shame

pissed stef

“Oh crap!”

Those of us out there who have had the unfortunate experience of making a Bad Decision after a night of drinking, can certainly relate to Stefan’s desire to “dress and dash” at the first morning’s light,  in order to avoid the inevitable “awkward conversation” that typically follows such Bad Decisions.  Super vampire speed can come in pretty handy, in such situations!

hush little

*tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, door open, squeeeeeaaaak*

Unless, of course, you are making Bad Decisions with other vampires.  Then, you are kind of screwed . . .

hello mate

“Hello, Guy Who just F*&ked My Sister.  Care for a spot of tea?”

Stefan learns this the hard way, when he tries to make a quick escape from Rebekah’s bed, only to find himself face-to-face with her brother, Klaus .  . . who, let’s face it, always seemed to have a not-so-secret crush on Stefan.

3 11 klefandiaries love never dies

Talk about awkward!

Fortunately for Stefan, Klaus isn’t there to take a walk down Memory Sex Lane.  He actually just wants Rebekah’s Make-the-Originals-Take-a-Nap Dagger, so that he can put down his pesky brother Kol.  Rebekah has a few choice words for Klaus,  in response to his request, and they rhyme with “Yuck Foo” (or, at least they would, if this show was on cable, instead of the CW).

sookie shut the fuck up

Stefan, on the other hand, is a bit more receptive to Klaus’ argument.  After all, daggering Kol, at least, at the present moment, seems to be the key to . . . wait for it . . . SAVING ELENA.

happy elena

Something in the Water

Caroline is inexplicably on hiatus again, this week . . .

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

This means that Bonnie must take on her job of . . . having highly unnatural sounding telephone conversations with other members of the cast, with the sole purpose of re-hashing the plot of last week’s episode . . .

previously on

“Previously on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

strangle balloon

“I’d rather strangle this balloon than be having this conversation.”

I thought the show’s annoying helpful new intro took care of this . . .

“I’m stuck in the house, because Damon is compelled to kill Jeremy.  But I want Jeremy to kill Kol.  Because killing Kol means killing his entire vampire line.  And killing lots of vampires means Jeremy’s tattoo can grow.  And Jeremy’s fully grown tattoo equals a map to the vampire cure,” rambles Elena, as she essentially makes my “job” as a recapper completely useless.

3 5 angry fixed at zero other nat and gace

Thanks a lot, biatch!

I’m not going to lie.  I cheered when the newly-vervained water supply burned Elena’s dainty plot-spoiling fingertips.  Girlfriend had it coming . . .

ayeeee

“Ayeeeeeeeee . . .”

Mayor McSad

im a witch

“Do you have any idea how many supernatural creatures live here?  You do realize that by vervaining supply, you are going to ensure that none of them can shower, right?  Do you know how bad this place is going to stink, in about two days?

whistle

*whistles*

Taking a page out of the movie Footloose, Bonnie’s dad unilaterally decides that teenagers dancing leads to death.  So, he opts to cancel the school’s annual decade dance.

dont dance

Unfortunately, in this case, dude’s probably right.

TVD’s Decade Dance episodes are almost always their most bloody.  And this one will be no exception . . . In fact, it can be argued that this episode’s body count is the highest in TVD history . . .

Bonnie’s pretty pissed about the whole “no dance” thing.  (She blew up those 99 damn red balloons for nothing!)

grrrr owl

bonnie kol

“Oddly enough, this is the most action I’ve had since I stopped sleeping with my almost brother.”

And I imagine her No Dance rage had a bit to do with her going all Stephen King’s Carrie on Kol, when he tried to accost her in the hallway by the lockers.

pop balloon

“NO!  Not popped balloons!  Anything but popped balloons!  Please Bonnie, have mercy on my soul!  (Maybe you could just give me a papercut, like you did that Shane guy.)”

Now granted, Bonnie does some pretty cool witchy things, by the end of this episode.   So, I’ll give her a break here.  But it must be said, that, just like with last week’s “gave Shane a paper cut,” moment, Bonnie’s “defense” against Kol’s advances is pretty Magic Lame.  Popping balloons?  Slamming lockers?  Around these parts that’s what we call a Temper Tantrum.

And yet “All Powerful Original Vampire” Kol was on his knees, inexplicably screaming in anguish from this lackluster demonstration.  So, Not-Yet-Dark-Willow 2.0 must have been doing something right. . .

dark willow

Damon Salvatore’s Revenge Sex Handbook, and other items on my Must Read List

nice floor

Dirty, pride-wounded, and half drained of blood, Damon is still looking mighty hot, as he naps on the floor of the Makeshift Correctional Institution for Wayward Salvatores.  Stefan treats his brother like a dog, throwing  blood vial treats on the floor by his face, and offering him probably piss warm re-bottled tap water to drink.  (Important later)  What’s the matter, Steffy?  You couldn’t spring from some Poland Spring?

wet damon 2

Oh how the mighty hath fallen!  Big Bad Klaus has been relegated to the job of babysitter/ prison warden, while Stefan heads out looking for Rebekah’s Make-the-Originals-Take-a-Nap Dagger to use on Kol.

prison warden

“Peekaboo!  It’s your friendly neighborhood prison warden!”

the show

He shares with Damon gossip about Stefan’s sexcapades with Rebekah.  And I’ll be damned if big bro doesn’t seem just the slightest bit proud of his brother’s newfound sluttiness!

damon approves

“Look whose taken a page out of my Revenge Sex Handbook,” muses Damon.

First Katherine, then Elena, and now Rebekah . . . these two bro vamps sure do seem to enjoy dipping their pens in the same company ink, don’t they?  Speaking of Salvatore Sex Buddies . . .

Elena’s Master Plan

Stefan is pissed off enough at Elena to remove her picture from his cell phone, but not pissed enough to delete her from his contacts entirely.  So, when Elena calls Stefan, the generic “Male Silhouette” pops up on his phone, instead of his ex-girlfriend’s smug face.

I thought it was pretty hilarious that, when Elena started detailing her plans to Stefan on how she planned to kill Kol, Stefan turned on his motorcycle, so Klaus couldn’t hear them.

whaaat

“Previously on The Vampire Diaries . . .”

moto

“Wait, I’m turning on my motorcycle so Klaus can’t hear us.”

whaaat

“WHHHHHAAAAT???!”

screaming stef

“I SAID, I’M TURNING ON THE MOTORCYCLE, SO KLAUS CAN’T HEAR . . . oh, fudge!”

Riiiiight, because the Original Vampire’s Super Hearing is strong enough that he can hear telephone conversations going on UPSTAIRS and OUTSIDE HOUSE WALLS, but not telephone conversations that are DROWNED OUT BY THE DULL ROAR OF AN ENGINE.

Damon eye roll

Anywhoo, Elena wants Stefan to use the Make-Originals-Take-a-Nap dagger on Rebekah (or, rather, have Matt do it for him), so that Jeremy can kill Kol, and Bonnie can “do something” to Klaus.  And, just like that, the Band is back together again . . .

Happy House Guests and Maneaters

All two people who shipped Elena and Kol as a couple were probably thrilled that it was her job to hit on him in her home, while Matt helped Stefan look for Rebekah’s dagger, and JerBear headed off in search of BonBon.  Kol tries to smooth, by waxing poetic about “music” and yammering on about the classy alcoholic beverages of yesteryear.  But let’s face it, he’s no Elijah . . .

hi im elijah

video games

ELENA: “Yooooo hooo, I’m flirting with you, and plying you with alcohol!  It’s your job to love me!  Don’t forget what show you’re on!”

KOL: “Shut up, wench.  I’m in the middle of beating Grand Theft Auto.”

ELENA:  “You’re sooo not surviving this episode . . .”

Why not stick to what you do best, Kol?  Making people stab themselves, and clocking them on the head with baseball bats?

kol bat

Meanwhile, Rebekah is rocking out to the song “Maneater,” while whining about the lameness of 80’s fashions.  Having missed every single decade dance, since the show’s inception, Rebekah seems more resigned than dejected, when she learns that this one was canceled.

rebekah heart

And yet, try as she might to look nonchalant, when Stefan presents her with the idea of attending the dance anyway, the perpetual 17-year old’s face lights up, like a kid on Christmas morning . . .

go to the dance

“If this were really an 80’s movie, you’d be the bitchy girl, who, dated James Spader, and got screwed in the end, while Molly Ringwald got the boy.  But since you were sleeping during that decade, we can pretend it’s the other way around.”

Villain Bonding Session

In my second favorite scene in the episode (we’ll get to my favorite soon enough), Klaus randomly asks Damon for advice on how to get the girl of your dreams to fall in love with you, despite the fact that you occasionally murder people she cares about . . .

blonde vamp

damon-compels-caroline-gif

“Been there, done her . . .”

As I mentioned at the beginning of this recap, Damon advises Klaus that the key to being a redeemable villain is doing bad things for good reasons.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t help Klaus all that much.  After all, he’s the guy that killed Aunt Jenna, because he wanted to build himself a Slave Army, and killed Tyler’s mom and twelve hybrids, because he was Having a Bad Day . . .

3 9 better klaus cry

Cheer up, Klaus.  Redemption is overrated, anyway . . .

Worst .  . . Family Meeting EVERRRRRR!

Sucky is when your dad confiscates your cell phone and your car keys, so you can’t go out and play in the Save Elena games with your Scooby Gang.

got your phone

“I got your phone, and you can’t have it, Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nahhhhhh.”

SUPER SUCKY is when your ex-boyfriend barges in and tries to kill your vampire mother, so she suffocates you, and drugs you, so you can’t leave the house . . .

stop talking

“Ew, mom, your hand stinks.  Who have you been eating?”

Ode to the 80’s

Unlike some of the other decades this series has represented, you can tell that the 80’s is one that a majority of the show’s writers have actually lived through, and thoroughly enjoyed, tacky wardrobe choices notwithstanding.  Paul Wesley (speaking in Stefan’s voice, of course), who, himself is an 80’s baby, seems almost wistful, as he describes movies like Say Anything, The Princess Bride, and The Breakfast Club.

80s movie

I gotta say though, I kind of thought they’d go with a Pretty in Pink reference, especially given the locale .  . .

pretty-in-pink-fb

But I guess that’s not really a “Dude Movie,” not even for “sensitive vampire dudes” like Stefan . . .

Though I bet Edward Cullen would just eat that sh*t up .  . .

EdwardCullen

And while, as far as plot points go, this scene did little to advance the main story, it did serve to reveal a side of both Rebekah and Stefan that we haven’t seen before . . . their shared sentimentality and sense of nostalgia.  Plus, I thought it was a little kinky that Rebekah’s “koala corsage,” was grabbing at her boob the whole time they danced . . .

dancing

copping

Upon learning that Rebekah has conveniently hidden the dagger in her boot, Stefan gets right to business, cleverly suggesting the pair practice The Breakfast Club Slide (Is that a Thing?  I didn’t know that was a Thing?), as a way to get her barefoot.

breakfast club slide

She sees right through his evil scheme, though . . .

Ruh Roh!  Nice knowing ya, Steffy!

beating up stefan

Except . . . wait a minute  . . . Rebekah’s totally COOL with giving her little bro the Big Sleep . . .

. . . if it means getting a chance to use the vampire cure on herself, that is . . .

wanna be human

Sorry Matt Donovan, Dagger Finder!  You’ve just been rendered entirely useless, for yet another episode . . .

always a bridesmaid

“Always a bridesmaid . . .”

Speaking of Originals, who know they’ve been betrayed . . .

Burning MAD!

After phoning Brother Klaus to give him the 411 on his so-called allies, Kol angrily barges back into Casa Gilbert to tell Elena he’s denied her phony request for a truce.  He stabs Elena with some wood, tries to chop off Jeremy’s arm on the carving table, gets sprayed in the face with vervain water, and chases Elena and JerBear around the house a bit, like he’s the Wil E. Coyote, and they are the Road Runners.

baked jeremy

“Anybody hungry?  I thought I’d make some Hunter’s Stew, heavy on the hunter.”

And just like the Wil E. Coyote, Kol makes one VERY stupid mistake . . .

Hey buddy, question for you.  Why would you bring THE WEAPON DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY TO KILL ONLY YOU to the house of the people who REALLY WANT TO KILL YOU?

draco malfoy facepalm

“I’m a mini villain, and even I know that’s a bad idea.”

And kill him they do!  While Kol is being distracted by vervain water and shiny objects (like Elena’s boobs), Elena grabs the stake from him, tosses it to JerBear, and allows the latter to finish the job.

burning kol

“Stop drop and roll, buddy.  Just stop, drop and roll . . .”

KABLOOEY,  Hot Kol has just become REALLY HOT KOL .  . .

And then ASH KOL . . .

And then DEAD KOL . . .

No spinoff for you, little man!  That’s what you get for not being nice to Elena on the Everybody Loves Elena show. . .   Better luck, next series!

happy elena

Klaus the Mime

Hey guys, Kol’s dead!

You know what that means.  That’s right.  An uncompelled Damon has earned his Get of Jail Free card from the Correctional Institution for Wayward Salvatores.  More importantly, now he can go back to screwing Elena.  YIPPEEE!

sexy delena 2

In other news, Bonnie went all Witchy Roid Rage on her parental units, and made it back to Casa Gilbert just in time for a furious Klaus to land on their doorstep, and realize his brother is Definitely Dead this time . . . not just taking a 500 year nap, like last time . .  .

burn house

Klaus, of course, is hopping mad, and threatens to blow Elena’s house down, like the wolf in the Three Little Pigs story.  Actually, he threatens to BURN it down.  Honey, your brother already tried that.  It didn’t work out so well for him.

burning kol

Turns out, Klaus didn’t really want the cure to make Elena human, and make more hybrids.  He wants to DESTROY IT!

(Really, Klaus?  You go through all that trouble to find something, and then you want to throw it away?  Wouldn’t it have just been easier to go along with Kol’s plan, and prevent the cure from being found at all?)

funny kol face

“Now you tell me?”

In an unintentionally hilarious moment, Bonnie leads Klaus into the Gilbert living room, and inexplicably uses some witchy juju to LOCK HIM IN . . .

fist pump

“Klaus, you’re doing it wrong.  Clearly, in your thousand years of time on Earth, you never spent time at the Jersey Shore.  A fist pump looks like this.”

stefan salvatore fist pump best

Cue Klaus screaming and banging his fist against the air.  That homeless mime, who I see every day outside the subway would be SO impressed.  Screw the Originals spinoff.  I want to watch a show that features new guest stars every week coming to talk to a faux-imprisoned Klaus at the Gilbert Home.  Imagine all the hijinks!  They could call it “Klaus in a Box.”

lonnie oh my feelings

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Speaking of funny . . .

You wouldn’t like JerBear when he’s angry . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome the Scooby Gang reunites for my favorite scene of the episode.  At first, nothing much happens.  Damon and Elena hug and kiss, but can’t do much else, because all those pesky other people are there watching.

Delena-Hug-3-2x12-damon-and-elena-18786642-500-254

Stefan pops in to inform everyone that their former nemesis, Rebekah, has now joined the Scoobies. And why not?  After all, Rebekah has already paid the membership fee, by getting a Stefan injection . . . if you catch my drift . . .

stebekah 1

Elena, of course, thinks this idea is crap.  Because she’s the fairest one of all, gosh darn it!  And she’s not going to have to put up with another lady who has intimate knowledge of which Salvatore brother has the bigger weiner.  No sir!  Not on the Everybody Loves Elena Show! she doesn’t trust Rebekah.

Damon and Stefan exchange words about their lady loves.  Stefan issues a particularly below the belt sire bond comment.

oh hell to the no

The two are about to beat the crap out of one another for the 85,000 time this series  . . .

punching stefan

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 . . . when . . . MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE HAPPENS!

JerBear starts growling, and ripping off his shirt, like he’s just been told he got the starring role in Hulk: The Musical.  And I start laughing hysterically at his expense, until I see his muscles all covered in dead vampire tattoos.  Then, suddenly, I fall silent, mesmerized by the hotness of it all.

muscles 2

muscles 1

x marks the spot

BabyScared

Surely, the sight of Jeremy’s naked chest makes the death of thousands of vampires, worth it?  Doesn’t it?

nodding oh yeah

Next week on The Vampire Diaries, the Scooby Gang goes camping on Lost island!  (Here’s hoping Damon and Elena have sex in a bear cage.)

KateSawyer cage

See you then, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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A Case of the Munchies – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Five”

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Are your tummies growling, Fangbangers?  There was a whole lot of “messy eating” going on this week, on The Vampire Diaries. Vampires ate college coeds . . . vampire hunters ate hybrids” ears . . . The Original Family ate . . . chicken and vegetables?

I don’t know about you.  But I’ve personally been starving for some serious fang action, all week!

So, tie on a nice big bib, and polish that silverware, because it’s time to share a hearty meal with your favorite vampires in Mystic Falls . . .

Today’s Episode is brought to you by the letter “H” (for Hot Sweaty Shirtless Men) and, of course, the number “five”

I’m willing to bet that a lot more moms would watch Sesame Street with their kids, if the show taught tots how to count, this way.  Kudos, Julie Plec and Co.  This scene is Male Objectification in its purest form.  And it is, in a word, AWESOME!

The episode begins, way back in 1110 A.D.  Some old witchy lady with Crazy Witchy Lady Hair is hanging out in the BadThingsAlwaysHappenHere! Forest with what appear to be five strippers from some Game of Thrones-themed Male Review.

Is that a Storm of Swords in your pocket, or are you just happy to be on TVD?

The half naked men form a circle around her, and stare blankly into space, while she holds a fiery cauldron triumphantly above her head, like it’s Baby Simba at the beginning of the Lion King.  She’s even chanting gibberish, like they do at the beginning of that movie!

“NAAAAAAH SVENYAHHHH MAMAGICHI WAWAHHHHHHH!”

Then, Witchy Lady lowers the cauldron and the fire branches out to the five men, who, from VERY far away (1) look like they are EXTREMELY hung; and (2) appear to be pissing out flames.  I bet they can’t do that on Game of Thrones!

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”

But the fun is far from over!  Next up, everyone gets their Magical Tattoos!

“Duuuuude!  That hurt even less than that time on my 18th birthday, when I drank an entire bottle of tequila, and woke up with my ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on my Fire Crotch!”

Meanwhile, back in the present day . . .

Deny, Deny, Deny . . .

 De-Nile may very well be a river in Egypt, but it’s also got a pretty steady current running through Mystic Falls.  We see plenty of denial going on around town, during the first few minutes of the episode.  Damon still actually thinks Connor is dead . . .

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This is despite the reality of Damon never actually having seen the vampire hunter’s corpse.  Not to mention the well-known fact that the gods of Mystic Falls would never, EVER, allow a hot male villain, like Connor, to croak, without getting him to take his shirt off at least once.

Also in denial?  Stefan.  He thinks he’s “totally over” Damon’s and Elena’s little hand-suck blood exchange, a couple weeks back.

Yeah, this guy?  He’s not jealous of his brother at all!  No sir!  Not a bit!

Speaking of denial . . . sure Elena, Stefan has nothing to worry about.  Just because you are going to an all-night frat party with Damon, doesn’t mean that you are going to spend the entire night dry humping him on the dance floor, and/or sucking on his fingers.  You’re DEFINITELY going to be 100% faithful to Stefan . . . He’s your “boo,” after all, isn’t he?

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Oh, and might I add, that “convenient” explanation as to why Elena could ONLY learn how to feed from that sexy studmuffin / awesome kisser Damon, and not from Caroline, because she’s “too good” at controlling her vampire urges?

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That’s a TOTAL crock of dog poo!  Need we all be reminded of an incident, back in Season 2, that I like to lovingly refer to as “Carter-gate?”

So much self control!  She even managed to brush her hair out of her eyes, before snapping his neck with her teeth.  Honestly, I don’t know how she does it!

Still more stops on the Denial Train.  Next we have Beks, who is stalking Matt Donovan at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  She mistakenly believes she can still get into his pants, despite the whole, “sending his car over the Wickory Bridge” thing.

I think it drowned, Matt  . . . along with your dignity.

Desperate for redemption (and nookie), Rebekah even goes so far as to buy Matt . . . wait for it . . . A BRAND NEW CAR!

OMG!  Rebekah Michaelson is like Richard Gere, and Matt Donovan is her Pretty Woman . . .   Except, money can’t buy Matt’s love!  He’s keeping the car, but he still won’t kiss Rebekah on the mouth . . . too personal.

Heck, I’d kiss Rebekah on the mouth for a new car.  And I don’t even roll that way.  Go figure . . .

Don’t you just hate it when your family members are around to see you strike out with the opposite sex?  Poor Rebekah!  Klaus is sitting at the bar, ready and waiting with a “He’s just not that into you,” speech.

“You had to start with a car?  You couldn’t have gone with something less expensive?  Like a lottery ticket?  Or a lollipop?

Klaus knows that Rebekah is still pissed at him for, you know, not appreciating her, and stuff.  But he still has information for her about “The Five.”  Rebekah pretends she doesn’t care.  But we all know she TOTALLY does . . .

“What can I say?  I wear my heart on my sleeve . . . no, I mean literally on my sleeve, like a big fat bloody cufflink.

Hot for Teacher, Not for Frat Boy

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Did you know that, before she was “That Old Lady Who Died Twice on The Vampire Diaries,” Bonnie’s grams was a college professor, who specialized in the occult?

Well, now you do!

What a convenient way to get Bonnie, Elena and Damon to road trip to “college,” while, at the same time, introducing a new fairly attractive, Alaric Saltzman 2.0 type, who may or may not end up being a villain and/or a witchy new love interest for Bonnie . . .  Anywhoo, he lectures about witches, and blah, blah, blah . . .

 Meanwhile Damon instructs Elena on the best, and worst types of people to feed off of . . .

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I assumed Damon would advocate eating fat people (MORE MEATY!).  But, instead, he instructed Elena to suck on airheads and the self-absorbed. (LESS CALORIES?)

(Fun Fact: Nerdy girls are bad meals, because, apparently, they are instinctively mistrustful of people who are nice to them.  So, at this point, I’d like to say, to all my fellow nerd girls out there, HOLLA!)

While Bonnie wanders off to have some more boring conversation with Professor Boo Radley, or whatever, Damon coaches Elena through her first feed.

Things start off well enough.  But then Self-Absorbed!Girl inadvertently shows Elena a picture of her baby sister, and Elena FREAKS OUT!  (Honestly, I think the emotional impact of the failed “tasting,” would have been more effective, if the little girl was Miss Would-Be Blood Bag’s daughter.  Now, that would have been poignant.  But baby sister?  Meh!)

No worries!  Damon’s got a better idea!  He decides to take Elena to a frat party.  You know, because everyone who goes to frat parties MUST, by definition, be a terrible person, worthy of bloody neck hickies.  Also, no one who goes to frat parties has a baby sister . . .

Once again, out of convenience, the frat party in question, has a death theme.  (You’ll learn why that’s convenient in a bit.)  Also, out of convenience, Hot Professor Boo Radley just so happens to be attending the party.  Because, lord knows, underage kids throwing kegger parties just LOOOVE to invite late 30-something looking teacher types to witness their debauchery and misdemeanors . . .

“I thought she was 18 . .  . I mean . . . I thought she was 21 . . . I mean . . . Someone put something in my drink?”

In what I can only assume was an “inside joke,” Damon arrives at the party dressed as Jack the Ripper, with Elena and Bonnie traveling in tow, as his “victims.”  (Take THAT, Ripper Stefan!)

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Elena finds a  frat boy, who, by roofie-ing a girl’s drink in plain view, renders himself just douchebaggy enough that Elena can feed off of him, without offending her “personal moral code.”  (Also, we can all assume he’s an only child.  Or, if not, an only child, at least doesn’t carry around a cute picture of his sibling on his cell phone.)

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Elena munches heartily, and immediately becomes swept up in the euphoria of Vampire’s First Feeding Frenzy.  “I want more,” she whispers seductively in Damon’s ear . . .

So, does he, Elena . . . So does he . . .

Eventually, Elena’s whole Dexter the Vampire rationale of “I only eat BAAADDDD PEOPLE,” goes right out the window.  We see her later chomping on an innocent looking chica, who most definitely had an iPhone filled with adorable siblings.  No matter!  Elena was having much to much fun, to concern herself with petty details like morality.

And we all know what Elena does, whenever she’s having fun, right?  You guessed it!  It’s DelenaDANCESEX time!

I know a lot of people had mixed opinions about this scene.  But I, for one, absolutely adored it.  I loved how messy it was . . . how Damon and Elena were more drunkenly swaying than actually dancing.  I loved how sweaty they were, how mussed both of their hair was, how their eyes looked bleary, glassy, and heavy lidded.

I even loved the ridiculousness of the fact that neither of them thought to wipe off the nasty-ass blood dripping from their mouths onto their shirts, despite the fact that, no matter how drunk people were at this party, surely SOMEONE would have noticed that.

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Believe it or not, I think the sloppiness of the scene gave it an added sense of realism.  If submitting to blood lust is a metaphor for being really drunk, or really high on drugs like ecstasy or heroine, it makes sense that the blood lusters would look and act like inebriated people.  People who were truly living in the moment . . . not thinking, just feeling, and enjoying life . . . not caring what other onlookers might think of them.

Then, of course Cock Block Extraordinaire Bonnie has to pop by, in order to give Elena THAT LOOK . . . You know the one.  It’s that all-too-familiar Judgy Bonnie look . . . the one that never fails to bring Elena right back to her boring self . . . which, of course, is Bonnie’s most impressive Super Power . . . MESMERIZING DULLNESS . . .

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Judge not, lest Bonnie ALWAYS judges . . .

Elena scampers off in tears.  She wants to go home, dammit!  Damon, understandably, is a bit “miffed” by it all . . .

Try not to take it too personally, Damon.  I think Elena’s just feeling guilty about chowing down on too many douchebag blood carbs.  Now, she’ll NEVER be able to fit into that Miss Mystic Falls Gown!

Back home, and hanging out on Elena’s front porch, Elena and Damon engage in another version of what is basically the exact same conversation they have with one another every few episodes.  And it basically boils down to this:  Damon is a BAD BOY.  Elena wants to be a GOOD GIRL.  She’s afraid that if she keeps hanging out with Damon, she will have wild, crazy, amazing vampire sex with him, and never ever want to stop . . . also become a BAD GIRL.  So, she has to stay with Stefan, because he’s . . . you know . . . “good” and stuff at least, when he’s not murdering thousands of people across the Eastern Seaboard.

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Stefan pops up on the porch, before things between Damon and Elena can get more heated (Geez, he and Bonnie make a great pair. TEAM COCKBLOCK!)  Cue Elena b*tching and whining about how AWFUL it was drinking that SCARY blood from those SCARY college coeds’ necks.  Oh, how she wishes she could have been home eating bunnies with Stefan . . . or knitting socks, or whatever it is “good” vampires are supposed to do on Friday nights . . .

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Little does she know that Stefan has spent his day plotting and scheming with the baddest vampire around . . . his Secret Boyfriend Klaus . . .

50 Shades of Connor Jordan

My that Klaus!  He really is a kinky bastard, isn’t he?  I mean, I totally get why he needed to chain up the Big Bad Vampire Hunter, who is undoubtedly the key to his Next Big Plan!  But putting him up against the wall, spread-eagled, half-naked, and, probably under a heat lamp (because no one sweats that much inside an air-conditioned home in the middle of Fall)?  Come on, that was obviously an exhibition of Klaus’ S&M fantasies come true.  (Watch out Caroline . . . and Stefan.  Because you are both soooo next!

Speaking of kinky, another one of my favorite scenes this week was the one where one of Klaus’ nameless soon-to-be-dead hybrids comes to “tighten up” Connor’s S&M chains, and the vampire hunter ends up BITING OFF A RATHER LARGE CHUNK OF HIS EAR!

Seriously!  I was not expecting that!

Cooler still?  Connor actually had a logical reason for doing this, one that much more complex than a simple “I was hungry,” or “Hybrid ears taste like chicken.”

Nope . . . Connor bit Random Hybrid’s ear to STEAL HIS EARRING, AND USE IT TO UNLOCK HIS CHAINS!  POSITIVELY GENIUS!

Smoke em if you’ve got em SUCKAS!

[Random sidenote:  When I was a little kid, I used to drink a lot of Shirley Temples at parties.  And if you’ve ever had a Shirley Temple, you know they come with a cherry garnish.  Anyway, rumor has it that if you can  tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue alone, that means you are a good kisser, and . . . if not . . . well . . .

Unfortunately, it’s something I’ve never been able to manage.  Take from that what you will.  All I can say is, given how tongue and teeth challenged I apparently am, I can 100% appreciate Connor Jordan’s ORAL PROWESS.  It also makes me really want to make out with him . . . like . . . a lot.]

“And I’m too sexy for your ear .  . . too sexy for your ear, too sexy, my dear!”

We’ll get back to Connor, and his teeth, in just a moment.  But for now, let’s get back to Kinky Klaus and Studly Stefan, shall we?

It’s Time for Another Round of Ye Old Important Flashbacks . . .

Ever since Stefan showed up on his doorstep, sniffing around for information about The Five, Klaus has been hitting on him, in a major way.  He’s definitely putting out all the stops . . . inviting him into his home, flattering him, invading his personal space, batting his puppy dog eyes.  As I’ve been genuinely missing these two’s weekly game of Hide the Salami for quite some time (Ahhh . . . memories of Early Season 3), it was nice to see it again this week.

Klaus’ rationale for hitting on Stefan (aside from the obvious, of course) is that he wants Stefan to convince Rebekah to tell them  both what she knows about The Five.  Through the use of flashbacks (and lots of goofy lion’s mane wigs), we learn that Rebekah used to occasionally hump one of these mystical FIVE, back in the day.  And that he, may or may not, have pillow-talked all his dirty secrets to the Original Vamp.

“I’ll show you my fangs, if you show me your fire crotch.”

Stefan is initially immune to Klaus’ charms,  until Klaus evokes the magical spell that never fails to make Stefan puddy in his hands.  Just in case you ever happen to run into Stefan, and want him to become your sex slave, I’d be more than happy to share the words of this spell with you.  Here it is: “DO IT FOR ELENA.”

Yes, once again, Klaus has made Stefan his loyal puppy dog, by evoking the Elena Clause in their Occasional F*ck Buddy Contract.  Stefan pops by the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, where Rebekah apparently still hasn’t moved, since being rejected by Matt there hours ago.  Maybe she’s under the “DO IT FOR ELENA” spell too . . .  Stefan somehow convinces Rebekah to temporarily play nice with her brother.  And eventually the three end up making plans for dinner.

(By the way, remember when Rebekah and Stefan used to be in loooooove with one another?  Because, sometimes, I feel like the writers don’t remember it at all . . .)

The Scene that Will Inevitably Spawn 1,000 Jeremy/Connor Slash Fanfics

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Meanwhile, back at the Hybrid House of Horrors, Klaus, remembering that a couple of weeks ago, Jeremy went from being “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead People” to “Elena’s Little Brother – That Kid Who Sees Dead Ancient Invisible Ink Tattoos,” kidnaps  invites Mini Gilbert over for an impromptu art session, whereby Jeremy will draw the tatts from Connor’s Hot Glistening Body.  (Mental Note:  Time to sign up for one of those art classes, where you sit for an hour each week, and draw naked people.  It’s suddenly sounding like a great idea!)

“Just let your Inner Goddess fly free!”

Connor is a little pouty with Jeremy.  Because he thought the two of them were TATT BROTHERS, and now, here Jeremy is “drawing for the Enemy.”  To this valid accusation, Jeremy responds, more or less . . . wait for it . . . “I’M DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

“Oh, well, if you are DOING IT FOR ELENA, than I forgive you,” replies Connor.  (Just kidding . . . sort of.)

Connor explains to Jeremy that his ability to see the tattoo marks him as a “potential” SUPER Vampire Hunter (which sounds very Buffy the Vampire Slayer-y to me).  He also explains how his tattoos grow each time he murders another vampire.  Well, that sure is cost-efficient.  Tattoos can be expensive!

What we eventually learn is that, as bad ass a vampire hunter as Connor might be, he’s apparently not bad ass enough to have a complete Vampire-Killing Arm Tattoo.  Klaus examines Jeremy’s drawing and finds it to be woefully incomplete . . . FOR NOW . . .

Ye Olde Flashbacks 2: Electric Boogaloo

A little while later, Klaus, Stefan and Rebekah sit down for one of their deliciously dysfunctional family dinners.  I always love it when Klaus caters a meal on this show.  He always puts about ten fancy courses of food on the table, and then NOBODY EVER EATS!

That’s got to really dust his doilies, don’t you think?  Maybe he should start spiking the dishes with Soccer Mom blood.  Then, at least, he wouldn’t have so many leftovers . . .

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Fake dinner seems like a great opportunity for another flashback.  And, so, we get one, in short order.  Just as Klaus suspected, Rebekah’s lover, Vampire Hunter Alex was quite the Chatty Kathy during sex.

“Check it out.  This sword and these tattoos together form a road map to my weiner . . . you know, just in case you can’t find it on your own.”

In a state of presumed post-coital bliss, Alex reveals, both to Rebekah, and to us, that the Five have a weapon that will surely wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth . . .A CURE TO VAMPIRISM . . .

Yeah, yeah . . . I think we all pretty much knew that was coming . . .

What does surprise me about this plot point, though, is how long this supposed vampire cure has purportedly been around.  You would think, for example, that Witchy Mama Esther or even Evil Vampire Eater Mikael would have heard about it, and at least tried to find it, before resorting to attempting to murder their own children . . . Just a thought . . .

Poor Rebekah!  She’s starting to rival Elijah and Alaric as Most Murdered Character on TVD!  Not long after Alex spills the beans to her about the Vampire Cure, he stabs her with a white oak stake, along with the rest of her siblings.  Rat BASTARD!

“Dear sister, I thought your room could use a bit of sprucing up.  How do you like your new wall decor?

Fortunately for us, Klaus is immune to White Oak Stakedom, and takes this opportunity to murder Alex and one of his FIVE-Y friends, conveniently leaving the other three alive to spawn Connor Jordan, Mini Gilbert, and whatever other sexy male guest stars TVD chooses to introduce in the near future.

Vampire Hunter Nick Miller, anyone?

But wait a minute.  If Klaus already knew all this crud about The Five, why is he bothering Poor Rebekah with bad memories of yet another lover her used her and discarded her like trash?

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A-ha!  See, this is where things get sort of interesting.  Apparently, those crazy tattoos Connor has on his body are a map to the Vampire Cure.  And the key to reading that map is on the sword of each of the Original Five.  Klaus (rightfully) as it turns out, assumes that Rebekah knows where that sword is.  Once found, that sword, combined with Jeremy’s drawing, will enable Klaus to locate the cure, give it to Elena, and then continue to use her as a bloodbag for the creation of new hybrids.

Nifty plan, right?  Except, Rebekah’s not budging with the information, no matter how many threats or insults Klaus hurls her way . . .

Hey Klaus, haven’t you ever heard the saying you catch more vampire siblings with honey?  Wait . . . that’s not how it goes.

Rebekah storms off in huff, but Klaus seems unmoved.  As it turns out, this was precisely his plan.  You see, Klaus wanted to put Rebekah in an emotional enough state to reveal the location of the secret sword to STEFAN.  And why again would Stefan want to help Klaus?  Repeat after me, everyone, “HE’S DOING IT FOR ELENA.”

That’s right.  Because if Elena can be made human again, she can revert back to the sweet docile kittenish girl Stefan always loved, cherished and worshipped, as opposed to the naughty keg standing, motorcycle riding, doucheboy drinking, Damon sucking soon-to-be Damon screwing, pencil flinging vampire girl she has become . . .

This recap has become long enough as it is, so I’m not going to bore you with the details.  Long story short, Stefan cleverly manipulates the vulnerable Rebekah’s romantic side into revealing that she buried Alex’s sword, along with his corpse, in the church where the couple was to be married . . . you know, before he stabbed her in the chest, and her brother cut out his heart . . . otherwise known as The Good Old Days.

Klaus is conveniently around to hear this information, and, for reasons I don’t quite understand, decides to stake Rebekah again, upon receiving it.

“Trust me, this hurts me way more than it is hurting you.”

“Somehow, I doubt that . . .

Seriously, dude?  AGAIN!  Klaus, you have to find better ways to express your emotions than staking your siblings every time they piss you off.  You’re becoming like that kid in the Twilight Zone movies, who keeps sending everyone in his family to the Evil Cornfield every time they don’t give him candy, or enforce his bedtime.  It’s time to get another outlet for your anger.  Might I suggest the batting cages, or S&M sessions with Connor and Jeremy . . .

Speaking of people you secretly want to have sex with, Klaus.  Could you explain to me why you felt the need to keep this whole “sword / tattoo” map thing a BIG Secret between you and Stefan?  Is it because you think it will make it easier to get into his pants, while you two are spending hours alone scheming with one another behind closed bedroom doors?  Don’t you think Damon the Scooby Gang could you help you find it faster, than just the two of you working alone?

Just saying . . .

So many headless hybrids, so little time . . .

And so our Big Bad Sexy Shirtless Scoundrel Connor uses that trusty earring to break free from Klaus’ Den of Rough Sex, just as we knew he would.  But geez, did he HAVE to decapitate ANOTHER one of Klaus’ precious hybrids.  You would think these guys are human PEZ Dispensers, given how easily their heads pop off at the slightest touch . . .

Connor Jordan . . . gives good head.

Connor’s action, of course, has the added benefit of conveniently finishing off his Vampire Hunter tattoo.  I wonder how many bloodsuckers he had to do in, to earn all those stripes . . . I wonder if you get more “points” for killing hybrids . . . so many questions. . . .

In the final scene, we see a pissed off Connor whining to his leader.  “Why did you send me to this PLACE, where all anybody ever does is have flashbacks, and sit around and talk about how they are ‘DOING IT FOR ELENA?”

WAH, WAH, WAH . . . cry me a bloody river, Connor.  But in all honesty, I’d be interested in knowing the answer to this question too.  What say you, Connor’s Exalted Leader. .  . Professor Boo Radley?

Next week, on The Vampire Diaries . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The more things change . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 4 Premiere “Growing Pains”

[Worry not, Fangbangers!  Your TVD-cap for Episode 2, “Memorial,” will be up in under 24 hours. Feel free to suck on some hot vampire’s hand, while you’re waiting . . .]

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Don’t feel bad, Elena.  I get grouchy during my “time of month” too . . .

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  I’ve missed you . . .

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After an interminably long hiatus, it’s finally time to sharpen those fangs, and head on back to Mystic Falls .  . . a town where nobody gives two craps what your name is (unless it’s Elena Gilbert, of course), but everybody knows your blood type.

I can’t believe this show is already entering its fourth season!  It seems like only yesterday that Stefan Salvatore compelled his way into Elena Gilbert’s high school history class, and nobody noticed that he looked about 27 . . .

So much has happened since that fateful day.  Practically everyone from the original cast has died .  . . and come back . . . multiple times.

Elena dated Stefan . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan . . .

. . . and then dated Stefan again . . .

. . . and then broke up with Stefan again.

There were Big Bads . . . and vampire sexcapades . . . and supposedly unbreakable curses that were magically broken by a woman who suffers from severe nosebleeds . . .

And yet, through it all, Stefan remained freaking hungry . . .

Damon stayed snarky (and continued to love taking showers) . . .

Tyler still hated wearing shirts . . .

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Elena judged everyone (but only because she cared) . . .

Caroline kept getting kidnapped . . .

And we still could never figure out what Bonnie was mumbling, during all those ridiculous spells . . .

In a way, “Growing Pains,” is the start of a brand new chapter in TVD-verse.  Elena, who has always been Mystic Falls most vulnerable damsel in distress, has finally become a supernatural creature capable of kicking some serious ass . . .

And yet, when you really stop to think about it, nothing has changed at all . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

To Feed or Not to Feed . . .

The episode begins with Elena waking up in her bedroom, where her two vampire love slaves are hovering over her, looking for signs of life . . . or lack thereof.  Understandably, given the whole “drowning in a car” thing, our leading lady is a bit disoriented and distressed.

Since Elena clearly never watched last season’s TVD finale (nor did she read any of the spoilers for this episode), she has no clue what has happened to her.  This means it’s up to Salvatore Squared to give her the bad news.  In short, Elena has until the end of the day to either feed on human blood, and turn into vampire, or DIE . . . again . . . but for good, this time.

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The fact that Elena is in this situation, because Stefan saved her ex-beau / buddy Matt from the drowning car first, thereby allowing Elena to die with Damon’s vampire blood in her system, is, more or less, brushed over, for the time being.  But we’ll get back to that later.  For now, Elena’s just seriously bummed about the whole, “destined to have pointy teeth, and a sometimes veiny face” thing . . .

But WAIT . . . there may be A CURE!!!  And I bet you’ll NEVER guess who’s going to provide this cure . . .

I’ll give you a hint.  It’s not Dr. Fell . . .

. . . or Sheriff Forbes . . .

. . . it’s not even the happy woodland creatures Stefan consumes on a daily basis.

Nope, the Finder of the Cure is . . . drumroll please . . .

BONNIE BENNETT!

No wonder today’s Mystic Falls weather forecast called for nosebleeds, with a chance of dramatic fainting . . .  It all makes sense now.

There’s a new sheriff in town and he looks a lot like the Evil Priest in every single movie you’ve ever seen containing Evil Priests . . .

Who knew what a proverbial can of worms Bad!Alaric would open up, when he outed all of the town vampires to the supposedly, but not-so-much Vampire Killing Town Council?  Now, this random guy named Pastor Young, who we have never ever heard of, or seen before and will probably never see again . . .

This douche . . .

 . . . is suddenly all over, like a bad rash, firing vampire-friendly locals from their jobs (Sorry Dr. Fell and Sheriff Forbes!), including the MAYOR (?!), and kidnapping pretty much every vampire, who’s name is featured in the opening credits.

Wow . . . this town must be REALLY religious!  Where I come from, the Pastors can barely get their congregations to fill the collection plates, let alone beat-up high school students!

Sigh!  Poor Caroline!  Girlfriend gets kidnapped and tortured on this show, more than she gets laid . . . well . . . on second thought . . .

Also on the kidnapping chopping block is Saint Stefan, and Rebekah-the-Original-Perpetually-Left-Behind . . .

In fact, the only vampires who escaped Pastor Young and Company’s wrath were Damon (well, of course he did!) and Klausi-Tyler.  More on him, in a bit . . .

Newbie Almost-Vamp Elena, the second-most kidnapped person on this show, manages to escape Pastor Young’s wrath, at first.  But it isn’t long before her true fangy colors start to show, i.e. she looks like she’s suffering from the Worst Hangover EVER!   She also hates LAMPS!  I mean, like, REALLY HATES THEM!

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Wouldn’t it have been easier just to hit the light switch?

Elena tries to escape the wrath of Pastor Young, but ultimately gets decked by one of his (kind of hot) henchmen.  Not cool, Hot Henchman . . . not cool at all . . .

But wait!  I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Before Elena’s newfound vampiness led to her undoing, it helped her accomplish the most AWESOME THING EVER . . .

Thanks for the Memories . . .

Ahhh, yes!  It’s the moment us Delena fans have all been waiting for . . . the moment when Elena, eternally free from vampire compulsion, finally gets to watch one of my favorite scenes in the history of TVD.  No, I mean, literally, she gets to watch it . . . as in, they replay the entire scene, right in front of Elena . . . in 3D.  It just doesn’t get much better than that folks.

We’ll talk later about how Elena responds to the realization that Damon met her first, and sacrificed her love to Saint Stefan, long before Elena even became consciously aware of his feelings for her.  (Hint: FRUSTRATINGLY!)  But, for now, let’s just bask in the glory that is “The Very First True Declaration of Delena Love” . . .

Speaking of love interrupted . . .

In which Klausi-tyler cockblocks himself . . .

Now, I know a lot of folks out there put-off / disgusted by the concept of Klaus inhabiting Tyler’s body.  But I, for one, was kind of excited about it.  Basically, I was just interested in seeing whether Michael Trevino could pull it off . . .

When we first meet Klausi-Tyler, he’s harassing Bonnie to put him back inside his own body.  This actually surprised, and disappointed, me a little bit.  One would think that a devious villain-type like Klaus could think of all sorts of ways to put Hybrid-Boy’s Buff Body to naughty use.  After all, we all remember how much fun Klaus had being Alaric, back in the day . . .

By comparison, what Klaus ended up doing with Tyler’s body was actually pretty tame. Though, I must admit, I giggled at Klausi-Tyler’s typical teenage reaction to having a mother who actually liked him . . . you know as opposed to his own mother, who tried to wipe his entire race from the face of the Earth . .  .

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When Klausi-Tyler finds out from his mother that Caroline’s been kidnapped, he ambushes the car carrying her and his sister, and stages a dramatic rescue . . . Let me rephrase that . . . he stages a dramatic rescue of Caroline.  It looks like Poor Rebekah is going to have to tough it out with the crazy vampire hating cult for just a bit longer . . .

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Caroline didn’t seem to notice though.  To say the young blonde was appreciative of the man she thought was dead for springing her from the pokey is the understatement of the century . . .

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That’s right, Forwood / Karoline fans, our favorite little Vampire Barbie rode that sexy body snatcher harder than a jockey at the Kentucky Derby . . .

Now, I know what most of you are thinking.  This has gotta be Klausi-Tyler’s dream come true, right?  I mean, hasn’t Klaus been trying to get his “stake” inside Caroline, ever since that fateful day when he made Tyler almost kill her, so that he could save her life?  I mean, we’re not honestly supposed to believe that Klaus drew those pictures of Caroline with the pony just because he’s a “nice guy,” are we?

And yet, moments into the scene Klausi-tyler STOPS Caroline from screwing him, by complaining that he’s using the “wrong equipment,” and by calling her Klaus’ telltale nickname, “Love.”

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I’m confused.  “Wrong equipment?”  What exactly does Klaus think Tyler has between his legs . . . a baseball bat . . . a vajayjay? Seriously!

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I don’t know.  I just find it hard to believe that Klaus, the same guy who’s killed his parents and siblings multiple times over was simply too “honorable” to pork Caroline under false pretenses . . .

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And Caroline . . . since when has she become so perceptive, that she could ferret out a body snatcher through the use of a single word?  In the finale, Klausi-tyler made an entire cheesy speech about how glorious life is, that Tyler wouldn’t be caught dead uttering.  And Caroline didn’t suspect a thing!

Meanwhile, back in the “witch” portion of our program . . .

Mumble, mumble, nosebleed, mumble . . .

Blah, de blah, dark magic, blah . . . Bonnie is busy trying to kill herself, so that she could bring Elena’s human soul back from the great beyond.  Jeremy, who’s soul purpose lately, has been to hold Bonnie’s hands, and look mildly concerned, while she does this, is dubious.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, JerBear HATES vampires, and certainly doesn’t want his sister to become one.

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But all those bloody noses!  Gross!  Surely, there must be another way . . . right?

Meanwhile, back at the cattle farm, where Crazy Vampire Cult is storing our main characters . . . no I’m not joking about this . . . they really used a cattle farm . . .

Stefan and Elena are declaring their undying love for one another through jail bars, while Elena death rattles dramatically, having not fed on blood for nearly a day now.  In a nearby cell Rebekah watches the lovebirds, alternating between nauseated annoyance, and jealousy that nobody seems willing to tell Rebekah how awesome SHE is, even when she’s looking like total crap . . .

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Suddenly, DarkMagic!Bonnie appears in the cell, and grabs Elena’s hand, ready to save the day, once again.  Until her grandma randomly pops up (remember her?), and tells her dark magic is WRONG!

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So, Bonnie just leaves . . .

Damn!  You mean to tell me, I had to watch all those disgusting nosebleeds for nothing?  I’m pissed . . .

Back in her hole and under duress, Bonnie calls upon dark magic again to put Klaus and Tyler back in their own bodies . . . even though we were led to believe that the only reason Klaus was in Tyler’s body, in the first place, was that his was burned to a crisp, in the season finale.

Of course, grandma is pissed again . . .

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“Sorry Grams!  It’s been two whole seasons since I accidentally killed you, while servicing vampires.  Time to pay the piper . . .”

But then the dark magic takes her soul, so we don’t have to listen to her lectures anymore.  Sorry Bonnie!  It looks like you’re going to be eternally cursed, DESPITE having doomed Elena to a life of either death or vampirism . . . Oh well!  Can’t win em all . . .

But hey, at least the British guy is back in his own body.  I was really missing that delicious accent . . .

Blood . . . it’s finger-licking good . . .

Back at Vampire Alcatraz, Damon is storming the gates outside, using Whipping Boy Matt as bait.

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You see, Damon’s been playing a bit of the blame game with Matt for the whole “surviving” when Elena didn’t thing . . . which, I guess is a sort of reversal on the whole concept of “survivor’s guilt.”

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Inside the jail, Hot Henchman has his hands full with Stefan and Rebekah, who have decided to join forces and go on the attack.  Sorry, Hot Henchman, it looks like your destined to become Elena Food.  Not a bad idea, Stefan and Rebekah . . . but couldn’t you have killed Hot Henchman closer to Elena’s cell?  Poor dying girlfriend, had to practically pry the bars open with her hands, just to get a taste off of the dirty cattle poop floor.  (FIVE SECOND RULE!)

But taste she did . . .

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Mmmm . . . tastes like a dead guest star . . .

It was a scene that was both beautifully shot, and painful to watch at the same time.  And, while I understand how ultimately Elena’s vampire instincts kicked in, and played a role in her choice, I would have liked to see her struggle just a bit more with her ultimate decision, especially considering how dead-set against becoming a vampire she’s been, since day 1 . . . so much so, that she’s, multiple times, chosen death over sprouting fangs . . .

In the very next scene, Damon, who has disposed of his own “Hot Henchman,” is about to kill a rather pathetic looking Matt for having the audacity to be saved first, when this happens . . .

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“Great.  Now it’s official.  All of my ex-girlfriends can kick my ass.”

Don’t ask me how Elena got out of her cell . . . just go with it OK.

It looks like Mystic Falls has a new damsel in distress, and it’s not Elena.

But back to Elena, she and Damon have a bit of a heart-to-heart about those precious compulsion memories we saw her regaining earlier on in the hour.  She now knows she met him first . . . that he sacrificed his love for her . . . that he’d always put her life before anyone elses . . . especially Matt and Bonnie . . . that if Damon had been on that bridge on that fateful night, she wouldn’t have ever had to make the choice to become a vampire . . .

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And she doesn’t give a sh*t . . .

Wait . . . that’s a bit harsh . . . For the record, I do think Elena was touched by the memories she regained about Damon.  And I do think that they’ve changed the way she views him, and feels about him.  But, for now, too much in her life has changed, for her to suddenly swap Salvatore Brothers too.

So, for now, Elena commits herself to Stefan . . . the guy who always respects her choices . . . no matter how stupid they might be . . .

Sibling Stakery . . .

Back at Klaus house, Rebekah is mad hurt at her brother for  leaving her to rot in cow jail with the World’s Most Nauseatingly Sweet Couple.  When she tells him that, through the centuries, she has truly been the only one to support him through thick and thin, she has a point.

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And I think her words really do touch Klaus’ heart, in a way he wasn’t quite expecting . . .

But then she uses Klaus’ last vials of Elena’s hybrid making blood as spray cans, and all bets are off . . .

He stakes her ass . . . well . . . actually he stakes her back . . . but, you know what I mean . . .

So much for brotherly love . . .

Now, that I wasn’t expecting . . .

Elsewhere, in Cult-Hate-a-Vampire, Pastor Young declares a “new beginning” to his followers quest to end vampirism, seconds before he blows up himself and all his minions, with a lit match and some gas . . .

“Oooh, fire pretty . . .”

Wait, WHAT?

Welcome to the world of underwhelming “Big Bads,” who die, after just one episode, Pastor Young . . .

And they all live bloodily ever after . . .

Back on the rooftop, Elena and Stefan are having a “moment,” that’s highly reminiscent of all those sweetly sappy scenes they shared together, in early Season 1 . . . you know, back before the series got really good.   They just WUV eachother so much . . . and Elena is suddenly thrilled with the idea of spending an eternity with Stefan, even if she has to eat people, in order to do it.

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Yes, Elena has chosen Stefan.  Klaus has chosen himself.  Caroline has chosen Tyler.  Bonnie has chosen to bloody her nose.  And Damon, well he’s understandably pissed off about the whole thing . . .

The more things change, the more they stay the same . . .

Next week on TVD, Elena learns about the joys of vampire sex, cannibalism, and making out with Damon Salvatore’s hand . . .

Something tells me I’m going to like next week’s episode way more than I liked this one . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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