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The Doppelicious Duo and a (barely there) Naked Damon – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Katerina”

ELENA:  Oh Stefan . . . It was awful!  I was busy trying to get information from Katherine about all this Doppelganger Stuff, when . . . all of the sudden . . . Damon . . . he . . . he . . .he . . . F$%KED ROSE!  *cries uncontrollably*

STEFAN:  Wait .  . . who’s Rose, again?

ELENA:  I know!  Right?

This week, on The Vampire Diaries, we made some new “friends” (most of whom were dead by the end of the episode), learned about Katherine’s origins as well as Klaus’s Evil Master Plan, and we saw some NAKED DAMON . . .

“Well, hello there, ladies!  My name is Naked Damon.  I’m a lot like regular Damon, except I’m . . . you know . . . naked and stuff.”

 . . . or at least we would have if SOMEONE wasn’t rubbing up on him, and REPEATEDLY BLOCKING OUR VIEW!

Ummm . . . Rosie . . . can I call you, Rosie?   I know you are new here.  And, perhaps, you don’t really know how these things work.  So, let me let you in on a little secret . . .cock blocking Team Delena the camera from Naked Damon, is not exactly going to endear you to fans, if you catch my drift.

So, without further adieu, let’s step WAY back in time, and review what we’ve learned.  Shall we?

It’s 1490 in Bulgaria.  Do you know where your Kat is?

The episode opens with a very human Kat giving birth to a baby (Thereby, setting into motion the chain of events that would result in Elena’s birth — roughly 500 years later – and, by extension, making possible the existence of a  television series we lovingly refer to as The Vampire Diaries).

“You’re welcome!”

Had Katherine’s parents known then, what wonderful things would ultimately result from the birth of their grandchild, they might have been a bit kinder to its mother.  Unfortunately, there was no CW in Bulgaria, back in 1490.  Therefore, all Katherine’s parents could see was their Big Slut Daughter, who got herself knocked up, without first managing to obtain the Wedding Ring that would make such a condition acceptable.  So, the PARENTS FROM HELL took Katherine’s baby away, and threw their poor teenage daughter’s ass out into the cold.  (Wow.  I can’t believe I just used the word “poor” to describe THIS GIRL . . .)

Weird . . .

Back in the Present Day . . .

Elena rings the doorbell at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Answering the door is Damon, who is, presumably, seeing Elena for the first time, since he made his HEARTFELT, BUT COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN, CONFESSION OF LOVE to her, last week . . .

Kickass picspam brought to you by The Vampire Diaries Tumblr.

Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy this moment while it lasts.  Because this will be the ONLY TIME DAMON AND ELENA INTERACT THE ENTIRE EPISODE!

After exchanging some smouldering looks with Damon, Elena quickly enters La Casa.  And, so, the weekly Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation ensues, starring Elena, Damon, Stefan, and Evil Man Stealer! Newbie Rose.

It goes a little something like this . . .

STEFAN:  Some Big Bad Vampire named Klaus is the villain trying to kill you this week, Elena.

DAMON:  But he’s probably not real, anyway.

ROSE: Yes, he is.

DAMON:  No, he’s not.

ROSE: Yes, he is.

DAMON:  Remember last week, when I told you I loved you, Elena?  Please remember because EVERYBODY wants you to remember REALLY BADLY.

ELENA:  I do remember.  And I love you too, Honey Bun!

ELENA:  I’m bored.  Off to class!  Toodles!

“OK, is it just me, or was that TOTALLY unhelpful?”

Little do Stefan and Damon know . . .

 . . . that Elena has plans of her own, ones that don’t involve freaking out about some Big Scary Boogeyman Vampire with a Dorky Name.  Elena wants to talk to Katherine, and get the real scoop on why all those Old Fogey Vampires want her dead.  So, she enlists Caroline to help her get into the tomb. 

Honestly, you would think that Caroline would put up more of a fight over this.  Especially considering that, just two episodes ago, she and the Scooby Gang spent AN ENTIRE NIGHT trying to get Katherine into the tomb, so the Evil Vamp wouldn’t KILL ALL THEIR FRIENDS.  But no.  Caroline seems more concerned about whether Papa Stefan will yell at her and, possibly, ground her, if he finds out she deliberately disobeyed him.

“Dark Stefan is NO JOKE, Elena!  You should see what he does to those cute little defenseless bunnies . . .”

Remember back in Season 1, when the gang spent an entire episode opening the tomb, and the sheer effort of it, KILLED Poor Grandma Bennett?

“Yeah . . . that SUCKED!”

Well, Damon must have used a MUCH cheaper lock.  Because, to open the tomb this time, our girl Caroline simply has to  lift up the door of the tomb, and move it out of the way.  And yet, despite how INSANELY easy the tomb is to open, we are told that Katherine is completely incapable of leaving it, because she is agoraphobic some witchiness around the tomb keeps all vampires who enter inside it until the plot deems it convenient for them to be let out FOREVER.

Moments, after the tomb is opened, Katherine hobbles toward its exit.

We know immediately that “Tomb Life” hasn’t been easy on Katherine, because (1) the foundation she’s wearing on her face is about two shades lighter than the rest of her body (A Common Beginner’s Makeup Application Mistake, by the way); (2) her non-waterproof mascara has run, giving her raccoon eyes; and (3) she now talks all weird and whispery, like a little kid impersonating a very old lady.

Fortunately for Katherine, Elena has come bearing gifts.  She’s brought over that Big Ole Book containing Katherine’s family history, as well as some blood in an empty Poland Spring bottle, along with one of those little sippy cups that Mom’s use to give their babies cough medicine.

As it turns out, Elena wants to play a “little game” with Katherine.  Knowing the Old Vamp has not eaten in two episodes, and is starting to look slightly blood-orexic, Elena decides to give Katherine a sippy cup full of blood, for every Klaus-related fact the bloodsucker shares.  Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right?

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Mystic Falls . . .

. . . high school has just let out for the day.  And so, Jeremy decides to commence Shameless Flirting with Bonnie Part 3.  He sees an opening, when Little Miss Klutz conveniently drops all her books on the floor.

“My Dear Maiden, it looks like you have dropped your school books.  This sounds like a job for .  . . MINI GILBERT!”

Of course, rather than offer to take the darn things off Bonnie’s hands, and carry them for her, Jeremy simply retrieves the books, and shoves them back into the witch’s wimpy arms.  (Future Boyfriend FAIL!)  Jeremy then invites Bonnie to play pool with him at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  This is when Bonnie really turns on the charm.  “Ewww Gross!  You’re my best friend’s brother!”  She tells him, more or less.

“Ooh, I love it when they treat me like crap.  Hit me, baby.  One more time!”

However, recognizing that the rest of the cast obviously has other plans, Bonnie ultimately decides to reconsider Jeremy’s offer.  So what if she’s bad at pool?  Jeremy is more than willing to help Bonnie learn her way around balls and a stick!  Speaking of “learning to drive stick,” remember this?

*Sigh*

Anyway, Jeremy’s chances of getting Bonnie in the sack seem to be REALLY looking up . . . that is, until the NEW GUY comes along.

Ahhh . . . another new character has found their way to Mystic Falls.  You know what I like to do with new characters on this show?  Find compromising pictures of them as child stars, from the early 90’s, and post them on the internet . . .

Well, hello there.  Little Richie from Family Matters!  My, have you grown!

So, New Guy Luka wants to find the school’s main office.  He introduces himself to Jeremy, who politely shakes his hand, and Bonnie, who’s so obviously hot for the guy, she nearly detaches her jaw, and swallows him whole.

“Hi Luka, my name is BoneMe . . . er . . . um . . . I mean Bonnie.”

Eager to size up his competition (and probably more even eager to separate the New Guy from the Carniverous Bonnie), Jeremy “gallantly” offers to personally direct Luka to the school’s main office.  However, before doing so, he instructs Bonnie to meet him over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls a little later.

So, Bonnie heads to the Only Bar / Social Estabishment at Mystic Falls to wait for Jeremy.  And, who should she meet there, but . . .

George Clooney?

Just kidding, it’s Luka and his dad, Jonas .  . .

Not that Jonas . . .

That’s the ONE!

Unfortunately, Papa Jonas TOTALLY pisses on his son’s game, by making some uncomfortable references to the Bennett Family’s Salem Witchy Roots. 

“OMG!  My dad is SUCH an Urkel!”

When Jeremy FINALLY arrives to retrieve Bonnie for their “date,” the Little Witch actually seems relieved to be free of Jonas and his hot son.  However, just moments later, while Jeremy is generously tutoring Bonnie in the art of fondling sticks handling a pool cue . . .

Luka butts in AGAIN.  As it turns out,  the New Guy very much wants to f*ck Bonnie, play against the winner of Bonnie’s and Jeremy’s friendly pool game.

“You know what they say . . . once you go 8-ball, you NEVER GO BACK!”

Now, unless Bonnie is the Best Pool Hustler in the World, I’m assuming she didn’t win her game against Jeremy.  So, it kind of surprised me to see a normally possessive Jeremy playing with his balls alone (um . . . I was referring to pool balls, of course), while Bonnie cuddled inside a booth with Luka, who’s father had presumably left the bar, sometime during the commercial break.

Eventually, a pissed off Jeremy leaves the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, without Bonnie, and without his balls . . .

But Bonnie doesn’t really seem to notice . . .

Luka rightly apologizes to Bonnie for how TOTALLY creepy his dad acted earlier.  You see, Luka’s dad took one look at Bonnie, and knew immediately that she was a witch.  (And she didn’t even have to give him a Massive Headache, like she usually does!  Go figure!)  Inexplicably, this supposedly made “Jonas” worry that Bonnie would “out” Luka and his dad for their magical powers. 

What magical powers, you ask?  Well, this week, we learned that Luka can . . . play with table salt?

Ummm . . . I hate to break it to you Luka, but that’s pretty much the LAMEST SUPER POWER EVER!  I mean, how exactly do you plan on defeating your enemies?  By giving them High Blood Pressure?  When Bonnie asks whether Luka is a witch, Mr. Persnickety corrects her, by saying he’s a “warlock.”

Was I the only one hoping he would say “wizard?”

What can I say?  I have a thing for guys with really big wands . . .

Katherine’s Story

Back at the tomb, Katherine is still telling her life story, in exchange for little sippy cup-sized sips of blood.  Already, she is looking healthier than she was when the episode began . . . or, at least as “healthy” as a 500-year old corpse can look.  Apparently, after being banished from Bulgaria, Katherine traveled to England and hooked up with Klaus.  (“Hooked up?”  Oooh, does this mean Klaus could be HOT?  *crosses fingers*) 

I should probably mention here, that, although he was mentioned throughout this episode, we never actually got to see Klaus.  And, until we do actually get to see him, this is how I, personally, will be picturing the Big Bad Vamp in my head . . .

Hey!  It could happen!

Despite the fact that Klaus looks suspiciously similar to Vampire Eric Northman, Katherine ultimately decided to dump him.  Don’t get her wrong, it’s not like he wasn’t a good lay or anything . . .

It’s just that he kept trying to use her as an ingredient in his recipe for Moonstone Curse Breaking Stew!  (So, NOT A TURN ON!)  Speaking of that stew, Klaus would now like to include Elena in it, which is why he is currently on the hunt for her. 

Now, just in case your interested in whipping up a batch of the delicious concoction for yourself, here are the ingredients you need to make Moonstone Curse Breaking Stew:

(1) one human Petrova Doppelganger . . .

(2) one werewolf . . .

(3) one vampire . . .

(4) one witch to recite the appropriate spell . . .

(5) and, of course, the Moonstone, itself . . .

How very convenient that the “ingredients list” for Moonstone Curse Breaking stew seems to comprise most of the supporting cast of The Vampire Diaries!

Suddenly, Katherine’s bizarro Season 2 actions make TOTAL sense!  She’s been on a Scavenger Hunt for the Moonstone Breaking Curse ingredients!  But . . . wait a minute . . .  why would Katherine want to help Klaus, if he’s been trying to kill her all these years?  As it turns out, it’s the same reason Rose and Trevor wanted to help Klaus (and his Evil Minion, Elijah) . . . freedom from persecution.

But, perhaps, I’m getting ahead of myself . . .

Back in 1490 England, an on-the-run, a still-human Katherine caught the eye of a familar face . . .

You guys remember Trevor, right?  That Hot Mental Midget who kidnapped Elena, and literally “lost his head,” as a result?  Well, apparently, that dude used to be in love with Katherine.  (Because, as we all know, it is in Nina Dobrev’s contract that every male character on this show, MUST fall in love with one of her two characters, at least once each season).

“What can I say?  My milkshake brings all the vamps to the yard .  . .”

So, Trevor sends Katherine to his vampire buddy Rose’s cottage, assuming that she will be safe from Klaus there.  But Rose isn’t having it.  She wants to take Katherine back to Klaus ASAP.  So Katherine wounds herself fatally, while Rose isn’t looking.  “I’d rather die, than go back to Klaus,” Katherine explains.

“OK . . . now I am deeply hurt.”

Knowing full well that Klaus’ recipe requires the sacrifice of a LIVE Petrova, not a dead one, Rose refuses to let Katherine die.  So, she cuts open her wrist, and shoves her vampiric blood down Katherine’s throat to heal her.  However, since Rose is nowhere NEAR as smart, as I thought she was last week, she walks away AGAIN.  This gives Katherine just enough time to hang herself.

When Katherine reawakens from death (due to having Rose’s blood in her system) she promptly drinks the blood of Rose’s human housemaid.  And POOF, an EVIL VAMPIRE BIATCH is born!

“What’s new, Pussy Kat?”

You see, as I mentioned earlier, the Moonstone Curse Breaking stew requires a live human Petrova doppelganger, since an original Petrova’s sacrifice was what sealed the curse in the first place.  (The Petrova doppelgangers themselves were “created” as part of the original curse, to continually give vampires, and werewolves (?) the opportunity to try and break the curse)  Since Katherine is no longer “living” or “human,” she no longer fits the requirements of the recipe.

Upon returning to Rose’s cottage and learning what happened, a poor lovesick Trevor is kind of hurt that Katherine would rather Go Vamp, than spend a life time as his human pet.  He also recognizes that, thanks to Katherine’s transformation under their watch, he and Rose will now have targets on their backs for the rest of eternity. 

“Oops, did I do that?”

Better you die, than I,” scoffs the uber selfish Katherine, before dashing out of the cottage at new, Super Vamp speed.

In fact, she “runs” all the way back to her birth home in Bulgaria.  When we see her next, it is 1492.  Columbus has sailed the ocean blue, and Katherine has sailed right into THIS . . .

Hey, I have something just like this hanging on MY WALL at home!

That’s right, boys and girls.  Klaus murdered Katherine’s entire family (but obviously, not her baby . . . or else we all wouldn’t be here).  When Katherine assumed she could disobey Klaus, go vamp, and get off scot free, she was WRONG.  You see, Katherine had seriously underestimated Klaus’ penchant for REVENGE. 

We see the seemingly stone-hearted Katherine break down in tears, as she mourns the death of her parents.  I mean, sure, they were A**holes, who took away her kid and kicked her out of the house, when she was still a teenager.  But they were her a**holes.  And for the first time ALL season, I found myself feeling just a smidgeon sorry for Katherine.

I KNOW!  Crazy, right?

“You have a friend?”

While Elena is chilling with Doppelicious, Caroline is busy trying to keep Stefan from figuring out where Elena is, and what she’s doing.  So, Caroline decides to invite Stefan to . . . SURPRISE, SURPRISE . . . the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.

“Oh, COME ON, Caroline!  This is the best you can do to distract me?  You couldn’t have taken me to a strip club, or something?”

Hoping to keep Stefan’s mind occupied on something other than Elena’s absence, Caroline admits to telling New Werewolf Tyler that she’s a vampire. 

To his credit, Papa Stefan keeps his cool about Caroline’s admission.  However, he can’t help but patronizingly lecture her about what a risk she was taking, by doing that.  In a very sweet moment that totally embodies the relationship these two have with eachother, Caroline wonders why Stefan seems to be always looking out for her.  Stefan admits that Caroline reminds Stefan of an old friend of his.

“You have a friend?”  Caroline snarks.

“Her name is Lexie,” Stefan replies.

Poor Dead Lexie . . . here’s hoping Caroline doesn’t suffer the same miserable fate . . .

Caroline tries to keep stalling Stefan, by admitting that she wants to help Tyler confront his First Full Moon.  However, the always-obsessive Stefan just isn’t having it.  He wants his Elena, and he wants her NOW, DAMMIT!

“Stop yammering, and give me my girlfriend, you B*TCH!”

But the increasingly loyal Caroline holds her ground, explaining to Stefan that while she does consider Stefan a friend, Elena is her friend too.  And she refuses to betray Elena.  Annoyed at not getting his way, Stefan stomps off.  But it doesn’t really matter.  Stefan has already figured out what Elena has done.  And he is PISSED!

Back in Tomb Town .  . .

Katherine has told Elena that Klaus will most certainly kill her, unless, of course, she goes vamp, like Katherine herself did, all those years ago.  To prove her point, Katherin cuts her wrist and offers it up to Elena to drink . . .

But Elena’s too wimpy to do a cool thing like that.  (I know, I know . . . I love her too . . . but you have to admit, she’s not exactly a Fly By the Seat of Her Pants, kind of Bad Girl). 

“Hey!  I can be BAD.   Just last night, I went to bed without brushing my teeth!”

Stefan arrives, just as Katherine is telling Elena that Klaus will kill everyone she loves, if she doesn’t die at his hand.

Stefan tries to tell Elena that Katherine is a Big Fat Liar, but Katherine won’t let him.  “Face it, Stefan, [Elena] is doomed.  There is nothing you can do to stop it,” she insists.

And yet, there might be SOMETHING they can do . . . It is then that Katherine reveals her hidden bargaining chip, namely, the Moonstone .  . .

Stefan, of course, is FURIOUS that Katherine has once again so thoroughly manipulated him.  “You Manipulative Psychotic B*tch!”  Stefan seethes.

“That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out!”

As it turns out, although Stefan is right about Katherine manipulating the Scooby Gang, he is wrong about her ultimate motive.  You see, contrary to what Stefan thinks, Katherine didn’t take the moonstone to bargain her way out of the tomb.  In fact,  Katherine doesn’t want out of the tomb AT ALL.  Because, the tomb is the only place where Klaus can’t get her.  “[In here] I’ll be the safest Psychotic B*tch in town,” Kat concludes.

On their way home from the tomb, Dr. Stefan, who’s ALWAYS up for the Sharing of Sappy Feelings, forces Elena to open up about what just went down.  “Don’t shut me out,” he pleads with her.

Eventually, a tearful Elena breaks down, admitting that she was wrong in thinking that it was the Salvatore brothers’ arrival in Mystic Falls that put all of Elena’s friends in danger.  “All of this is because of me,” explains Elena sadly.

“Well DUHHHH!”

As nice of a guy as he is, Stefan can’t bring himself to lie to Elena, and tell her that what she just said isn’t true.   Because it TOTALLY is!  So, he just gives her a sweet hug instead . . .

Damon takes another Road Trip . . .

While Elena is engaging in a Battle of Wits with Katherine (and losing terribly), Damon is back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome with Rose.

Of course, like EVERYBODY ELSE ON THIS SHOW, Rose, within minutes of meeting Damon, instantly recognizes his love for Elena.  “I’m not in love with anyone,” Big Fat Liar Damon replies, getting up in Rose’s face just to prove how NOT in love he really is . . .

But enough of this mushy stuff. especially since Elena is not there!  After Rose admits to Damon that she summoned Old Vamp Elijah (who they both mistakenly think is dead) through a vampire friend living in Richmond, Damon suggests a road trip to visit this friend.  Rose gently reminds Damon that, unlike him, SHE does not have an Ugly Ass Sunscreen Ring to help her brave the sun.  This will make travel kind of difficult for her.

Well GEEZ, Rose!  How have you been on Earth 500 years, and never once thought to get yourself an Ugly Ass Sunscreen Ring?  VAMPIRE FAIL!

Nevertheless, Damon and Rose somehow make it to Richmond, without Rose burning to a crisp unfortunately.  There, they find this funky little cyber cafe, that LOOKS like it is completely sun exposed, but actually isn’t.    (Don’t ask.)  There, they meet Slater, Contacter of Elijah . . .

Though Slater is a vampire, he actually more closely resembles that DONKEY THING from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe . . .

He also takes the term “Professional Student” to a whole new level, having earned as many as 18 undergraduate degrees in varying subjects, and a few post-graduate ones, during his vampire life.  To me, Slater comes off as kind of a plot device know-it-all, rattling off to Damon and Rose an explanation as to why Klaus wants to break the Moonstone Curse. 

If you recall from earlier episodes, the Moonstone Curse keeps vampires from being able to travel in sunlight, and keeps werewolves turning wolfish, every full moon.  If one species breaks the curse, his or her whole race is free of it, while the opposing race will be bound by the curse forever. 

Honestly?  I’m not quite sure why it would be SO important for Klaus to break the curse at all, especially since Old Ass Vamps like him and Elijah seem to have no trouble walking in the sun, ANYWAY.  However, I have never been one to sass my elders.  So, I will not judge Klaus.  I’m sure he has good reason for doing what he’s doing.  (That . . . and he’d probably eat me, if he found out I was dissing on his motives).

But you know who I WILL diss on?  Slater.  You know how he contacts the Big Bad Elijah?  He puts ads on CRAIGS LIST!  Umm . . . yeah . . . I can’t really think of anything that says “Cool Vampire” less than Craigs List Old Ass Vampire Wanted posts.  Then again, no one ever said Slater was a Cool Vampire.

“Coolness is overrated, anyway!”

Unfortunately, Slater doesn’t have very much time to prove his “coolness,” because Elijah’s outside “playing with his coins.”

And, for reasons, I don’t quite understand, that causes this to happen . . .

Now exposed to the sun and STILL without Ugly Ass Sunscreen Rings to protect them, Slater and Rose are suddenly in very serious risk of having their faces turn to THIS . . .

But, fortunately, SUPER DAMON is there to rescue them!

Well, at least he’s there to rescue Rose, by picking her up, wrapping her in his coat, and gallantly carrying her to safety.    (Slater, he just kind of leaves alone to rot . . . Oops.)

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon is drinking as per usual . . .

And Rose is talking about her feelings, also as per usual.  Somehow this leads to talk of turning off feelings, which leads to Damon and Rose having sex . . .

You see this picture?  It DIDN’T come from this episode.  You wanna now why?  Because we BARELY saw Damon shirtless in this episode, despite the fact that he . . . HAD SEX DURING IT.  You wanna know why?  Because ROSE WAS ALWAYS IN THE WAY!

You can cry all you want, Rose.  It’s not going to get you off my poopy list, any faster . . .

In a state of post coital numbness bliss, Rose and Damon talk about how, despite their assertions to the contrary, vampires can’t really turn off their feelings.  You know what that means, don’t you?

Oh, yeah!  It’s still on, Delena fans!

At the end of the episode, Slater calls Rose, and tells her to tell Damon that they need a witch to break the Moonstone Curse.  Later, we find out that Slater was compelled to say that.  That’s right, boys and girls, Old Ass Vampires Like Elijah can compel younger vampires!

(This kind of makes me wonder why Elijah didn’t use compulsion the first time, he tried to  kidnap Elena and met with vampiric opposition.  But again, I don’t sass my elders, so . . .)

Elijah then compels Poor Slater to kill himself.

And it’s weird.  Because, before he stakes himeslf, Slater KNOWS he’s being compelled to do it.  So, he repeatedly says very Meta things like.  “You’re compelling me to kill myself now.  I don’t really want to kill myself.  But I will, because you are making me.  Here I go . . . killing myself . . . almost dead . . . almost . . . yeah, I’m dead.”

Knowing you’re being compelled, but not being able to fight it . . . Now that’s gotta suck. something FIERCE!

Did I mention that Elijah is in league with Luka’s creepy dad, Jonas the Warlock?

I KNEW I didn’t like that guy for a reason!  Well, I hope you’re still cool, Little Richie from Family Matters . . .

While, there wasn’t NEARLY enough Delena in this episode for it to rank on my list of favorites, it does present some interesting plot points for the rest of the season.  And it’s going to make the upcoming TVD hiatus seem all the more interminable.  Hopefully, however, Naked Damon will help us cope, during this tough time.

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Do That Tomb Me, One More Time! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Masquerade”

Don’t you love it when our little Scooby Gang can put aside their differences, and come together to achieve a common goal?  I mean . . . think about it.  EVERYBODY played their part in Katherine’s destruction this week.  Alaric brought the weapons.  Bonnie set the trap.  Caroline led Kat into the trap.  The Salvatores kicked some Major Kat Ass, and Jeremy . . . well . . .  ummm . . .

 . . .  he looked really pretty!

So put on your party masks, everyone . . . it’s time to look back at how our favorite Scooby Crew turned a Mission Impossible into a Mission (mostly) Accomplished!

We ALL Need a Stiff One Sometimes . . .

ALARIC:  “My, what big WOOD you have, Damon!”

DAMON:  “The better to poke you with, My Dear Alaric.”  *does Eye Thing*

When the episode begins, Caroline is in DESPERATE need of a Stiff One.  And Damon kindly obliges . . .

“Phew, I really needed that.”

OK . . . I meant he gave her a DRINK . . . of blood . . . Get your mind out of the gutter!  (Damon’s a one-woman girl, now!  HE BELONGS TO ELENA!  DUH!)

That’s more like it!  (You’re welcome for the Shirtless Damon pic, by the way . . . they’ve been SO LACKING this season!  WTF Writers!)

Anyway, Caroline needed the Stiffy drink, because she had just had a run in with the EVIL KAT.  Apparently, Elena’s Much Cooler Twin Sister cornered the Baby Vamp, while she was skulking around Mystic Falls Only Bar / Social Establishment, and stalking her ex boyfriend, Zombie Matt.

“Must . . . eat . . . brains    be  . . . Random Plot Device   do . . . Katherine’s bidding.”

As per usual, Katherine wants Caroline to “deliver a message” to the Salvatore Detective Agency.  (What’s with all this getting your enemies to deliver your messages for you, Katherine?  Can’t you afford Fed Ex . . . or a good texting plan?)

“What do you MEAN, it’s going to take 3-to-5 business days to get there?  I eat customer service reps, like you for lunch!  No . . . really . . .I do.”

The “message” in question is that Katherine wants the Object-Formerly-Known as-Mason’s-Family-Jewels . . .

 (Sorry Wolfman!)

 . . . delivered to her that night, at Mystic Falls’ Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?)

(Seriously?  Aside from maybe the Hidey Hole Vamps, how many homeless people do you think actually live in Mystic Falls)

If the Brothers don’t deliver the Jewels to the Big Ball, THE TOWN WILL RAIN BLOOD!

“RAIN?  I didn’t even bring an umbrella!”

Caroline initially suggests that the Salvatore Detective Agency give Katherine what she wants so she will “GO AWAY!”

But Damon doesn’t PLAY that game!  “I’m not giving her my DICK again!”  He exclaims.

Would you, perhaps, consider giving it to ME, then?

Damon then states that HE plans to KILL Katherine (a revelation that would be truly shocking . . . if . . . say . . . you were stuck in an underground tomb somewhere, between this week and last, and, therefore, never saw any of the promos for this episode).  Then Stefan, ever the stereotypical little brother, states that he wants to kill Katherine, instead of Damon!

DAMON: “I’ll wrestle you for it.”

STEFAN:  “Fine . . . take off your shirt.”

Stupidity, Naivety, and, of course, more Uselessness . . .

After last week’s brief brush with plot importance, Aunt Jenna dutifully resumed Chronic Uselessness this week, when she was carried home by Matt, Elena, Alaric and Jeremy, after “accidentally stabbing herself in the abdomen with a knife.” 

(OK . . . could someone please tell me WHY these guys haven’t told Useless Aunt Jenna about the whole “Vampire Thing” yet?  Doesn’t her current status as the girlfriend of the male equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer earn her honorary admission into the Scooby Gang?  We all know she’s just going to keep “walking into the knives,” until she’s taught to do otherwise . . .)

Once alone, Jeremy asks Elena what she plans on doing about the whole “Kat Problem.”  And Elena, taking a page from the Useless Aunt Jenna Book of Problem Solving, replies, “Nothing.”

“I always knew I had all the brains in the family . . .”

Elena honestly believes that, because she broke up with Stefan she can FINALLY start screwing his Hot Brother Katherine will just ride off into the sunset on the coffin she rode in on.  “You are being a F*CKING MORON naive, and you know it!”  Jeremy scolds.

And with that, Mini Gilbert stalks off to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for yet another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation . . .

“I’ll Take ‘Weapons Commonly Used to Kill Vampires’ for $100, Alex”

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Alaric has quite literally opened up his Can of Vampire-Flavored Whup Ass on the rest of the Scooby Gang.  This guy’s got some phallic-shaped weapons that would make even Buffy blush!

DAMON:  “All that vampire slaying, and your hands are still silky smooth!  Do you mind my asking, what kind of moisturizer you use?”

Soon, Bonnie arrives with her . . .  to this day I can never figure out what they call that Witch Book of hers . . . Grimmore . . . Grin More . . . Gremlin? . . . whatever it is, she’s got a Big Book, and Stefan wants her to use it to help kill Katherine.

BONNIE:  “Do you want me to hit her on the head with it?  Because I could do that, you know . . .”

Stefan’s actual plan involves Bonnie performing a spell at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?) that will isolate Katherine from the rest of the party, so that the Brother Vamps can kill her in peace.  Then, Bonnie makes me like her character just a little bit more, by actually agreeing to the plan, without giving anyone a migraine . . .

 . . . or making a single Anti-Vampire comment, in the process.  (It’s a start . . .)

“As long as no one gets hurt,” Judgy Bonnie can’t help but scold.

(In hindsight, this was probably the funniest line in the whole episode.  Seriously!  Who didn’t get hurt at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?))

“Except for Katherine.  Tonight the Kat gets a stake through the heart,” concluded Damon (a line which undoubtedly scared the bejeesus out of all the cats,watching this episode . . . including mine . . . she’s a HUGE TVD fan!)

This isn’t her . . .

My Katherine, what a BIG WITCH you have!

Speaking of Katherine, it looks like she got herself a witch of her own.  And MAN is she TALL!  In fact, Witchy Lucy was SO tall, she made most of the cast look like miniature figurines!  After weeks of seeing the evil vamp threaten her adversaries, with sing-song one-liners and double entendres, it was nice to see Katherine with someone who (at least, at first) actually seemed like friend of hers.

When Lucy inquires as to why Katherine is straightening her hair, she replies conspiratorially, “I’m impersonating my dull as dishwater doppelganger, Elena.”

“She has terrible taste,” scoffs Katherine.

“Except in men!” Lucy replies.

When Katherine flirtatiously asks Lucy to be her “plus one” at the event, I couldn’t help but wonder if these two had ever “experimented” with eachother.  (Come on!  You just KNOW Katherine is the kind of girl who “swings both ways.”)

Everybody Rejects Elena . . . (for once in her life)

“WTF, guys!  You can’t engage in Scooby Games without ME!  You all LOVE ME, and I’m HOT!”

Back at the Gilbert house, Mopey Elena is being SUPER selfish!  She’s letting her breakup with Stefan get in the way of her going to a boozy party TO HELP THE HOMELESS!

She tries to get Zombie Matt to stay home with her (he used to LUUUUUUVVVV her, after all).  But Zombie Matt is on a suicidal mission . . . one which (shockingly) doesn’t involve Elena.  But when Elena finds out that Stefan AND Jeremy went to “help the homeless” too, she gets REALLY pissed!

“I’m glad he’s going,” says Useless Aunt Jenna, of Jeremy.  “He needs to lose the Emo Thing.”

(“Emo Thing,” Jenna?  COME ON!  That is SO Season 1!)

Ultimately, however, it’s Alaric that spills the beans about the Scooby Gang and their Ocean’s 11-esque plan to Kill the Kat, and Save the Elena!

“What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a good Spoiler!”

So Many Dicks, So Little Time . . .

Having watched the episode, I now see that the purpose of that seemingly random scene between Tyler and his mom, was to, more or less, foreshadow what happened to him at the end of the episode.  However, when I first watched it, I was pretty certain it was all about DICKS . . .

“Why so much ‘dick’?  You’ve got something against the word ‘weiner?'”

Tyler apologized for being a DICK . . . Tyler’s mom said Tyler’s dead dad could be a DICK sometimes . . . Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.  Between all these dicks, and the two Damon used in the opening scenes, I found myself sorely wishing I had created a drinking game around this word, before the episode began . . .

Slutty Amy Meets Her Maker . . .

As if the attempted murder of Useless Aunt Jenna, and the zombification / attempted murder of Matt weren’t enough of an indication, Katherine once again proved herself to be NO JOKE early on in the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?).  After a very sexy slow dance with Stefan, Katherine, angered by Stefan’s staunch refusal to give her the Moonstone right away, claimed the episode’s first victim, in a matter of minutes . . .

We barely knew thee, ya big WHORE!

Your dress is “GORG!” swoons Slutty Amy to Vampire Katherine, who she believes to be Elena.  Casting a final defiant look in Stefan’s direction, Katherine casually walks over to the well-meaning, but incredibly dim girl, and snaps her neck.

“OMG!  I can’t believe you just did that!  It makes me so . . . thirsty.”

And the Senseless Death Award goes to . .  .

  . . . wait . . . I already forgot her name . . .

Tyler gets some action (and his first taste of CGI Graphics . . .)

“Hey Matt, is that a murder weapon in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

So, here’s the question I have about this whole “compelling thing:”  When a subject is compelled to do something, how long does that suggestion last?  Is Jenna going to keep “accidentally walking into knives?”  Is Matt going to keep trying to get Tyler to kill him, even though Katherine is (at least, temporarily) out of the picture, and the reason for the mission has already been accomplished?

I only ask, because I noticed that, even though Katherine gave Matt the suggestion to provoke Tyler until Tyler killed him, last week, Katherine felt the need to compel him AGAIN, with the same suggestion, at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?). 

Perhaps, she was afraid viewers he would forget?

“God, you are HOT!  Now go away!”  Katherine told Matt, her message having been successfully re-delivered.

So, off went Matt, along with Slutty Sarah . . .

 . . . and Tyler into the “Forbidden Room” a.k.a. “Dad’s Study” to get wasted.  Once the trio is suitably hammered, Matt starts acting like . . . for lack of a better term . . . a TOTAL DICK . . .

Speaking of dicks (AGAIN!), Matt starts calling Tyler’s Dead Dad ONE.  (Talk about speaking ill of the dead, this is the second time this hour that the dearly departed Mayor has been called a part of the male anatomy.)  Matt then randomly pours a bottle of expensive liquor on the carpet, and smashes a picture of Tyler and his father to the ground.  “Remember when your Dad used to slap you around?”  Matt slurringly inquires.

“I’m not going to fight you,”  says Tyler, just as he does EVERYTIME he’s about to fight someone.

Then Matt starts to attack him . . .

The two “go at it” (wink, wink) for a little while, as Slutty Sarah watches with interest.   Then Caroline . . .

 . . . having just completed her Scooby Gang task (more on that, in a bit) . .  . hears the ruckus, using her super sensitive vampire ears.  Off rushes Baby Vamp to kick some ass, and take some names!

In minutes, Caroline has put herself in between the fighting boys.  With little effort at all, she knocks Matt unconscious to the ground.  He’s woozy and wasted, but alive. 

“That was ALL KINDS of hot, Caroline!  I’m stroking my pool stick, just thinking about it.”

Crisis averted . . . or so it seemed . . . but as we learned last week, Katherine always has a Plan B!   “Matt failed.  If Matt fails, I can’t,” utters Slutty Sarah robotically, as she lunges at Tyler with a very sharp letter opener.

“TYLER LOOK OUT!”  Caroline screams, from the floor next to Matt.

Caught off guard, a very freaked out Tyler knocks Slutty Sarah into his deceased father’s desk.  And Slutty Sarah, who, might I remind you, survived BEING PUSHED DOWN AN ENTIRE FLIGHT OF WOODEN STEPS, early on in the season, hits her head and dies instantly.

But, hey . . . at least her death wasn’t SENSELESS, like her friend Amy’s!  Caroline rushes to examine Slutty Sarah’s non-existent pulse, while Tyler hunches over in pain.  That’s when it happens.  Tyler’s eyes begin to bug out, werewolf style . . .

 . . . and THAT was how his curse was ACTIVATED!

After dropping Matt off in the car to “sleep it off,” Caroline returns to check on Tyler, who has broken the news of Slutty Sarah’s death to his mother.  Mommy Dearest takes it surprisingly well.  It kind of makes me wonder how much she knows about the Werewolf Curse, which both her husband, and now her son, have experienced firsthand.  “It was an accident,” she says calmly.  “We’ll take care of it.”

“I’ll deal with Matt,” Caroline says comfortingly to Tyler. 

“Why are you doing all this [for me]?”  Tyler inquires.   “I killed her.  She’s dead.  You have no idea what that means.”

“Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle DEAD!”

“Yes . . . I do,” replies the Undead Triple Homicide Veteran. 

Caroline then calls Tyler’s attention to his heretofore bloody wounds, now healed.  “How did you do that?”  Tyler asks, now staring at the sexy blonde intently.

(Hmmmmm . . .  well . . . Caroline and Tyler would be more interesting together than Caroline and Matt.  That’s for sure!  Just out of curiousity, how bizarre exactly do you think a vampire / werewolf lovechild would look, anyway?)

Here’s a good guess!

The Best Laid Plans

Back in Kill Kat Land, Stefan chastises himself for not killing Kat during the Memory Lane episode, when he had the chance.  Damon, always eager to best his brother, argues that this would NEVER happen to him.  “You loved her for over 140 years.  It could happen . . .”  Stefan warns.

“Whatever happens, I’ve got your back,” says Damon to his Baby Bro.  “Tonight, it [Kat’s Reign of Terror] ends.”

Meanwhile, Mr. I-Am-Incapable-of-Being-Single-and-Therefore-Will-Hit-On/Fall-in-Love-with ANYONE, Jeremy decides that this would be a great opportunity to put the moves on his Big Sister’s sort of/kind of best friend.

“Nice boobs, Bonnie!  Way nicer than Tyler’s .  . . a bit nicer than Anna’s . . . but not quite as nice as Vicki’s”

“You are 100% B*tch Witch.  That is so cool,” remarks Jeremy flirtatiously, as Bonnie puts the finishing touches on her Kathering Binding spell.

Surprise!  Surprise!  If Jeremy had witchy powers, he says he would use them to perform Sex Spells . . .

When did this episode of The Vampire Diaries become the movie Eyes Wide Shut?

[Being a witch] never ends well for people like me,” complains Bonnie morbidly. 

(Talk about KILLING THE MOOD, BONNIE!)

While the pair are talking, Bonnie gets a “feeling” (it’s called being horny) that she has to investigate . . .

The “feeling,” as it turns out, comes from Mini Gilbert fellow witch, Lucy . . .

The plan now set in motion, Jeremy finds Katherine and tells her to meet Stefan and Damon upstairs, where they will supposedly give her the Moonstone.  Next up is Caroline, who finds herself accosted by Katherine for the second time this episode.

“They are trying to kill you,” squeaks Caroline, as her head is pushed into a wall.

“Where’s Bonnie?”  Katherine wisely inquires to a “choked up” Caroline.

“She’s upstairs,” replies Caroline breathlessly.

Katherine drags Caroline upstairs.  Then, the Baby Vamp leads the Old as Sh*t Vamp to a guest bedroom.  Bonnie is not there.  But Stefan and Damon are.  And now, thanks to Bonnie’s spell, Katherine can’t leave!

“I DID IT!”  Caroline squeals with joy, practically jumping up and down at the thought of having bested the vampire who “killed her.”  “Goodbye Kat!”  She says, giving her a cute girly finger wave, before exiting stage left. (LOVE HER!)

While Katherine is distracted by Stefan and his little baby dagger, Damon approaches her from behind with his big BULL of a SHOTGUN! *wink wink*

But this . .. is when things start to go wrong . . .

Down on the ground below, Elena has crashed the party in plain clothes.  Apparently the Debbie Downer has come to pee on all the fun that is the Salvatore Detective Agency Feline Murder Plot . . .

Note:  When I first screencapped this scene from the trailer, I was POSITIVE that it featured Damon and Elena!  Imagine my disappointment to learn that it was Mini Gilbert instead . . .

You don’t need to do this for me,” remarks Little Miss Selfish to her brother, when she learns what the crew has planned in her absence.

“It’s not just about YOU!  NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!  She’s messed with all of us.   She has to be stopped!”  Jeremy explains.

Suddenly, a massive bullet wound appears on Elena’s stomach.

Elena doubles over, in pain!  Bonnie instantly realizes that Katherine’s witch, Lucy, linked the doppelgangers together, so that when Damon and Stefan hurt Katherine, they would also hurt the NEW love of BOTH of their lives, Elena.  Bonnie rushes to find Lucy, while Jeremy tends to Elena . . .

Meanwhile, the battle of Salvatore Brothers versus Katherine rages on!  And as my Blogger Pal Amy (not the Slutty Dead ONE from the show) remarked, it was SUPER KINKY!

There was tons of panting, grunting, thrusting and vamped-out posturing . . .

Phallic weapons were stroked, poked, and prodded into skin that bumped and grinded against other skin. 

There were big STICKS flying everywhere, penetrating EVERYTHING!

“EAT IT!  PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!  SWALLOW!”

At one point, Katherine straddled Stefan, while Damon approached her from behind, ready to “strike.”

It was AWESOME!

At that moment, Jeremy rushes in to tell the brothers that Katherine and Elena are linked, and that everything Damon and Stefan do to Katherine is also happening to Elena .  . .

Unable to fathom ever physically hurting the woman he has come to care for so deeply — even if it means losing to Katherine — Damon stops fighting immediately.  A worried expression instantly replaces the rage that had covered his face, just seconds before.

Talk about doing a complete 180!  NOW Katherine has begun hurting herself, as Damon and Stefan desperately try to STOP HER!

“Kiss me, Damon!  She’ll feel THAT too!”  Katherine taunts.

(GIRLS, HOW AWESOME WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF HE ACTUALLY DID IT?)

“What happened Damon, you used to be so polite?”  Katherine continues.

“That guy died a LONG time ago!”  Damon remarks shrewdly.

Like Isobel before her, Katherine instantly can see the extent to which Damon loves Elena, and how that effects Stefan.  She notes how both men are “worshipping at Elena’s alter,” when they used to worship at Katherine’s.

Stefan and Katherine then take a little trip down memory lane.  With Katherine remarking about how she has checked up on Stefan over the years, even going as far as to follow him to a Bon Jovi concert back in the 80’s.  (And you just KNOW Stefan had a  mullet back then!) 

Stefan, for his part, makes the connection between Werewolf George’s need for the moonstone back in 1864, and Katherine’s need for it now.

“You used the moonstone to bargain for your safety,” Stefan notes wisely.  “And you were already free, when we tried to save you.”  He recalls. 

“Yes, your obsession with me was very inconvenient, Damon,” Katherine scoffs.

“You and me both!”  Damon exclaims.

The old ball and chain . . .

Stefan wonders who Katherine has been running from all these years.  But Katherine refuses to answer.  And yet, something tellls me that the Salvatore Detective Agency are about to find out . . .

Meanwhile, Bonnie finds Lucy, who knows she has the Moonstone, and will only break the spell on Elena, if Bonnie gives it up.  Bonnie moves to fight Lucy, but stops, after hearing her say the words, “You can trust me.”

HUH?

In the following scene, Lucy arrives in the War Room, instantly breaking the binding curse on Katherine, and handing her the Moonstone.  But when Lucy hands Katherine the stone, Katherine falls to the ground seizing. 

“You should have told me the other witch involved was a Bennett,” remarks Lucy, as Katherine goes still.

Lucy informs the brothers that the curse is broken, and Elena will heal.   She then goes outside to Bonnie, and tells her the truth.  Lucy was only working for Katherine, because she had a debt that needed repayment.  Katherine had apparently saved her life once. 

But Bonnie is Lucy’s family, so she comes first.  Because Lucy is a Bennett witch too!

“Seeing you was a wake up call,” explains Lucy.  “I have got to stop letting vampires control my life.”

“I have so many questions,” says Bonnie.  “How do I stay out of all this[vampire sh*t]?”

“You are one of the good ones,” Lucy explains.   “Right in the middle is where you need to be.   It was nice meeting you.  You’ll see me again.”  The witch promises before disappearing into the woods.

Then Mini Gilbert MAGICALLY APPEARS .  . .

He gallantly offers the Little Witch a ride home.  Bonnie didn’t even know he had a drivers’ license!  “I’m not a kid anymore,” remarks Scrappy Doo.

Then, the future couple ride off  into the sunset, in Jeremy’s Super Fly Ride . . .

For reasons I didn’t quite understand (not that I’m complaining – Damon and Elena FOR THE WIN!) Elena stays broken up with Stefan, even though the purported reason for their breakup is now out of the picture.  When Stefan confronts her about her decision, Elena rattles off some nonsense about needing to “feel safe.” 

(Riiiight, because being single and alone, when you are a Magnet of Trouble, is WAY safer than having a kickass Body Guard Boyfriend who can snap your attackers’ necks, as easily as he can tie his shoes . . .) 

Umm Stefan?  I hate to be the one to break this to you, but . . .

 . . . quite possibly because she’s into him . . .

“MY TURN!  Cheers!”

(My sincere apologies to Stelena fans, who are undoubtedly cursing me underneath their breaths right now.  Really, I mean you no harm!  I like Stefan.  I DO!  I just like Damon MORE  But, even YOU have to admit, that Breakup Excuse was kind of lame . . .)

Speaking of Damon, he made the awesome decision to NOT kill Katherine, and instead, to lock her up the same tomb she SHOULD have been in all those years ago.  “Death would have been too kind,” growls Damon.  “The writers would also really like the opportunity to bring you back next year around Sweeps Week, and if you were Dead Dead, they couldn’t do that.”

“Elena’s in danger,” Katherine warns from inside the tomb.

“You lie.  You will always lie,” Damon seethes.

“Why do you think I never killed her, when I had the chance?  She’s my doppelganger.  She needs to be protected.”  Katherine adds convincingly.

“Then I’ll protect her,” Damon replies without a second thought, a few choice images, undoubtedly running through his head, and ours as he utters those powerful words  . . .

“And YOU will ROT IN HELL!”  Damon explains decisively, as he locks the tomb.

Damon pointedly ignores Katherine’s screams of “You need me,” as he walks off into the darkness . . .

As it turns out, Damon may have done well to listen a bit better to Kat, for once.  Because, in the final scene of the episode, as Elena walks alone to her car, she is kidnapped by THIS WEIRDO . . .

There you go, Elena.  Yet another Damsel in Distress moment for YOU!  So much for “BEING SAFE!”

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

This Means WAR!!!! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “A Touch of Eva”

Although Chuck’s utterance of the above-referenced line saddens me, as it represents yet another setback, in a series of increasingly dark turns that his relationship with Blair, has taken since last season, I am mildly comforted by the image of a very sexy Ed Westwick, decked out in yummy army fatigues . . .

See?  Every Chuck Cloud DOES have a silver lining!

Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for us Chuck and Blair fans.  On one hand, after WEEKS of minimal contact between the two, the pair finally had an abundance of tension-filled scenes together.

However, most of those scenes featured (1) Blair trying to sabotage Eva, and (2) Chuck vehemently defending his new Angelic Whore to the only woman he ever truly loved.

Then, Eva FINALLY left town . . . FOR GOOD!

But . . . as is usually the case in such situations . . . the GG writers decided to use this episode to make the almost universally despised French woman LESS annoying and MORE sympathetic — thereby, making us all feel just the teensiest bit guilty for having hated her for all these weeks.

And yet, Chuck DID confront Blair, desperate to find out if she still loved him. . .

And she said  . . . NO!

However, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here.  Let’s take  a step back, and see how it all went down, shall we?  But first, let’s get the less interesting simpler storylines out of the way . . .

Rags to B*tches

When the episode begins, we learn that Nate is starting to have some doubts about his new girlfriend, Juliet.  Mind you, these doubts did NOT stem from Juliet’s Hamilton House shenanigans, last week.  After all, aggressively  crapping on the reputations of Nate’s ex-girlfriends, through lies and deceit, is completely normal behavior in GG Land.  In fact, it’s encouraged!

Congratulations, Juliet!  You are officially EXACTLY like every other female on this show . . .

What really raised Nate’s eyebrows was how Juliet kept canceling out on dates with him, because she . . . HAD TO STUDY!

“Studying?  Nobody does that on THIS show!  Your new girlfriend is TOTALLY a serial killer, Nate.”

Fortunately for Nate, hiring a private detective is entirely unnecessary on this show, as each character’s every single solitary move is chronicled on Gossip Girl. 

(Wait, did you say EVERY cast member?  Even Vanessa?  This site must be the most boring read EVER!)

Daily itinerary:

8 a.m. Dress in hideously mismatched thrift store outfit

8:30 a.m – 10 a.m. Frequent artsy fartsy coffee shop

10 a.m. – 4 p.m. Attend fake classes

4 p.m. to 5 p.m. – Frequent ANOTHER artsy fartsy coffee shop, which smells like dirty hippies

5 p.m. to 10 p.m. – Pretend to study, while nagging and fondling, Dan Humphrey

10:15 p.m.  – Bedtime!

So, anyway, Nate cyberstalks Juliet on Gossip Girl, and learns that, during a time that she had SAID she was studying at home, she was actually spotted emerging from a subway station ACROSS TOWN!

Wait . . . someone on this show actually TAKES PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION?  Oh the humanity!

Because stalking his “loving girlfriend” on the internet isn’t enough, Trusting Nate decides to take things one step further, by stealing her cell phone.  Conveniently, Juliet has recently received a text message from the mysterious “Ben,” which states “I need to see you.”

Umm . . . are we supposed to believe that “Ben” is the same guy Juliet was hitting on at the prison last week?  Wow!  Who knew prisons had such great cell phone plans?  Now THAT’S our tax dollars at work!

Rather then stewing in silence for a few episodes, or exacting revenge, as men on this show tend to do, Nate actually does the mature thing, and confronts Juliet about her implied infidelities.

When Juliet fumbles with an explanation for the call, Nate tells Juliet that the reason she hates Serena so much is that she is Bat Sh*t Crazy just like her!

Later, a humbled Juliet, not wanting to get dumped, comes clean to Nate.  She is NOT cheating.  Rather “Ben” is her “troubled brother” who she is currently giving conjugal visits to on a daily basis “not ready to talk about.”  However, she promises, that he will “not come between [her and Nate].” 

Nate, whose own drawers are just FILLED with dirty family laundry . . .

Let’s get DIRRRRRTY!

. . . is thrilled to hear this wonderful news!  (Now, he can finally come clean about all those bastard children he sired during his Spring Break in Nicaragua!)

To reward Nate for not dumping his ass, Juliet offers to FINALLY let Pretty Boy see her apartment!

WALL OF CRAZY, HERE WE COME!

But, alas, Juliet doesn’t bring Nate to her Dumpy Psycho Serial Killer Apartment from Hell.

Instead, Juliet pays off the doorman at some fancy apartment complex, to give Juliet the keys to a temporarily vacant place.  Given all the creepiness that this entails, it seems kind of fitting that the last shot of the “happy couple” is of them making out “behind bars.”

Here We Go Again . . .

Oh for Heaven’s sake, will the boredom EVER end?

Is it just me, or have Dan and Vanessa been having some variation of the same storyline together for FOUR SEASONS!  Here’s how it goes . . . Judgy Vanessa nags Dopey Dan about something he’s doing lately, which doesn’t meet up to her high moral standards (Past Examples:  Hanging out too much with various members of the Upper East Side Crew, acting “too rich,” not telling his parents some lame deep dark secret he has, being a Male ho).  This week, it was Dan’s failure to properly grieve over the loss of Baby Milo.

Then, as a result of all the nagging, Dan will inevitably grow moody . . .

“Hey, you say ‘moody,’ I say ‘brooding and edgy'”

. . . and run straight into the arms of Slutty Serena . . .

. . . who for about two minutes (or until the next commercial break, which ever comes first) will decide she “loves him.”  During that short time span, Serena will string Dan along on a tight leash, like the disobedient dog he is . . .

 . . . or pour ketchup on him and eat him . . . depending on her mood.

Then, Vanessa will take Dan back because she has no other options truly loves him.  After all, her lashing out at Dan was only as a result of that suffocating love she feels for him.  So, yeah, that was basically what happened with Dan and Vanessa AGAIN this week.  Any questions?

Oh, and this should tell you just how much I dislike Dan and Vanessa as a couple . . . This week, I ACTUALLY found myself rooting for the romantic re-pairing of . . . SIBLINGS Serena and Dan!

I KNOW, I KNOW!  Clearly, I need my head examined . . .  Then again, as Blair says, “Anything to head off the nightmare of Humphrey-Abrams Offspring!”

Now THOSE would be some BORING ASS babies!

And now . .  on to the REALLY juicy stuff . . . 😉

Hi Ho!  Hi Ho!  It’s out with “New” Chuck we go!

“Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in!” 

The above words were spoken by the always iconic film character, Michael Corleone, during the much lambasted third installment of the otherwise brillant Godfather film series.  I imagine that our Chuck Bass was feeling much the same way as the aforementioned fictional Mafia Kingpin this week.  After all, ever since his “unforunate accident,” Chuck has been trying desperately hard to “be good” (whatever that means). 

It’s not as though this has all been some ruse on Chuck’s part to get Blair back (although, honestly, we all kind of wish it was).  Nope.  Chuck REALLY seems to want to change.  He wants to be the type of guy who has no secrets, who doesn’t engage in petty gossip or revenge plots, and who genuinely enjoys attending charity functions with his bland girlfriend.

Yet, while he smiles, and plays the part, to the best of his ability, Chuck never really seems to be enjoying himself.  This ideal he’s painted in his head of who he should be, it just isn’t him.  Fortunately (or “unfortunately” depending on how you look at it) Chuck’s “devilish” Upper East Side pals are there to remind him of this, at every turn. 

As the episode opens, we, along with a distraught Blair, watch live streams from Gossip Girl, of Chuck giving his new Gal Pal Eva obscenely an expensive watch from Cartier . . .

 . . . and obscene amounts of money to charity . . .

No one seems to be able to believe that this “Innocent” and Slightly Dull Blondie has single-handedly been able to surgically remove Chuck’s sizeable Mean Streak (not to mention his sense of humor — The guy hasn’t had a single fun one liner, since the season started).  Even Juliet can’t believe it, and she hasn’t been around all that long!  During a double date breakfast, that includes Nate and Juliet, and Chuck and Eva, Juliet asks Eva how she feels about Chuck’s sordid past.

“Well compared to Lord Voldemort, he’s not so bad!”

“Old Chuck, New Chuck, Bad Chuck, Good Chuck . . . How much wood could a woodCHUCK CHUCK if a woodCHUCK could CHUCK wood? .  . it’s all part of the same journey,” offers Eva, who clearly believes she has just walked into an audition for the role of a princess in a Disney cartoon.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.  Who’s the lamest of them all?”

Determined to bring this seemingly perfect b*tch down, Blair does what any self respecting character on this show would do, she STALKS her!

Of course, it doesn’t take long, before Blair hits, what she believes to be “pay dirt.”  She spies Eva at Cartier exchanging Chuck’s gifted watch for cash.  Immediately, Blair goes running off to the Empire Hotel to rat out the girlfriend of the boy she supposedly “no longer cares about.” 

Chuck confronts Eva about the watch.  However, before she can answer, his maitre d comes to Eva’s rescue.  He admits that Eva gave the cash from the watch to him, so that he could help pay the mortgage for a close relative, who was at risk of losing her home.

  (Color me impressed.  I didn’t know the writers on Gossip Girl were aware there was a recession happening, at all!)

And you all know what this means for our girl Blair, right?

ONE!

Not one to give up so easily, Blair commandeers Serena and Dan to help her dig up some cyber dirt on the elusive Eva.

While Serena and Dan listen in from the comfort of La Casa de Waldorf, a wired-up Blair confronts Eva at a puppy adoption charity event.  Once there, she expertly plies the gal for information . . .

Why does this whole scenario seem so familiar to me?

Oh yeah . . . now, I remember!

The stupid guileless Eva keeps babbling on and on about her life, when finally, she reaches the part about her fateful rescue of Chuck Bass.  Apparently, Eva found Chuck in Prolovka, the Red Light District of Prague.  Searching the term “Prolovka” on the Internet, eventually leads Nate and Serena to find Eva’s HOOKER WEBSITE!

Blair, once again, is thrilled . . .

She can’t wait to go to Chuck’s charity gala, and break the bad news to him.  (What a good “friend!”)

Unfortunately for Blair, the news gets to Chuck, before she has a chance to tell him.  Chuck immediately confronts Eva, who comes clean about the whole thing . . .

So, at the gala, when Blair tries to break the news to Chuck, he totally blows her off!

Then, just to prove how cool he is with the whole “Happy Hooker as Girlfriend” thing . . .

“What’s good enough for Richard Gere, is good enough for Chuck Bass!”

 Chuck announces at the gala that he plans to give Eva FIVE MILLION DOLLARS . . .

 . . . to donate to the charity of her choice. 

TWO, Blair!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  If Blair can’t find a dark truth about Eva F*cks Alot to make Chuck dump her, well, then, she’s just going to make something up!  Blair gets her shot, when she finds a manilla envelope containing Chuck’s personal effects.  Said effects had conveniently just been recovered from Prague, despite his accident having pccurred months ago. 

 Blair takes the envelope from Chuck’s maitre d, and swipes his passport.  She then tells Chuck that she found his passport in Eva’s bag.  Thus, proving, once and for all, that Eva KNEW who Chuck Bass was when she rescued him.  (And, therefore, was probably using him for money.)

When Chuck hears this, he is outraged.  He lashes out at Eva, who agrees to leave, without explicitly denying Chuck’s allegations.  And yet, when Chuck learns of the existence of the envelope containing the passport, from Lily, he knows he’s been played by Blair, and that Eva had been honest with him all along.  (Well . . . except for the whole “sleeping with guys for money” thing.)

Chuck rushes to stop Eva from leaving, but her decision has already been made.  “Please don’t leave me.  Everybody leaves me,” Chuck whines like the petulant five year old he can sometimes be.

“No, not everyone leave you . . . only your Whore of a Mother, the Girlfriend you cheated on with a Slutty Zombie Raccoon, and the Slutty Disney Princess you accused of being a Golddigger,” replies Eva.  (Well, that’s what she should have said anyway.)

After Eva leaves, Chuck rushes to confront Blair.  “Do you hate me so much, that you can’t stand to see me happy?”  He inquires.  “Is it possible that you still love me?”

(SAY YES, BLAIR!  YES!  YES!  YES!)

There is silence, as Blair and Chuck regard one another, the tension palpable, the love and history between them still a definite presence in the room.  And then, Blair says something, that literally makes me throw my shoe at my television.

You’re going to pay for that, GOSSIP GIRL!

“How could I still love you after what you did?”  Blair inquires.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

THREE!  You are so OUT, Blair!

Chuck blanches at Blair’s hurtful responds.  When he gathers up the courage to speak again, his voice sounds hoarse, as he chokes back his own tears.  “You brought me back to my worst self,” he whispers.  “This means WAR!”

“War, OK .  . . so . . . is Hot Hate Sex is completely out of the question, now?”

[www.juliekushner.com]

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10 Things I Learned from Watching Grey’s Anatomy’s “Shock to the System”

“Is this going to be on the exam?”

I suspect that there are many of you out there who only watch Grey’s Anatomy for the “mushy-gushy relationship stuff” .  . .

 . . . the bizarro plotlines involving psycho serial killers . . .

 . . . the hot hallucinatory Ghost Sex . . .

. . . and the abundance of Sexy Shirtless Men . . .

(NEWS FLASH:  Nearly Naked Dr. Avery!  Coming Soon to a TV Near You, October 14th!  Never has the invention of HDTV been more appreciated . . .)

And while all of the above are perfectly valid reasons to watch this long-running show, what many fans fail to realize, is that Grey’s Anatomy is also a treasure trove of life lessons for us all!

So, without further adieu, let’s look back at the lessons we learned from this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy, “Shock to the System.”

1)  If you wish to fake an emotional breakthrough with your shrink, so that he will clear you to return to work (or, at least, trade those LAME anti-depressants he currently has you on, for the AWESOME uppers you’ve been eyeing since you started therapy), bad mascara and crumbly tissues are not enough . . .

Particularly if, even after crying, you still look like you belong in a Banana Republic magazine advertisement . . .

Drastic times call for drastic measures.  And in this situation, Ugly Cry Face is required.  Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Then again, if your name is “Meredith Grey,” and you are on a show called GREY’S Anatomy, you’ll be back at work after two episodes, anyway.  So, you might not even need to resort to this . . .

2) Those who lie down with criminals  . . .

 . . . wake up smelling like pee . . .

(and sometimes unwittingly attract new boyfriends named “Vito.”)

3) It may come as a shock to you, but there are some TV Watchers and (patients at Seattle Grace) . . .

 . . . who stopped watching Grey’s Anatomy after the third season.

Shocking . . . yes . . . but entirely plausible.  As a result of their Grey’s -watching negligence, these individuals may truly believe that Christina Yang is still involved with Dr. Preston Burke . . .

 . . . and that Isaiah Washington was never fired from the show . . .

“Well, THAT was awkward!”

While we are on the subject, here are some other aspects of the show about which these erstwhile Grey’s fans might be confused:

“Who are half these people?”

“Where the heck are George and Izzie?”

 

“So, Callie is a lesbian, now?”

4) When trying to convince your colleagues that you aren’t Bat Sh*t Crazy . . .

 . . . screaming at them “That’s ME, I’m the CRAZY ONE!” and running around the hospital muttering loudly to yourself, “She never saw it coming!  She never saw it coming!”  OMG!  She never saw it coming!” will probably not help your cause. 

Oh . . . and while we are at it . . . just because one of your patients is crying . . .

 . . . doesn’t mean it has to do with YOU and YOUR PROBLEMS.  Strange as it may seem, THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!!!!

Regardless, of what HE might lead you to believe . . .

5) If you play a lesbian couple on a show that predominately caters to straight females . . .

. . . the best you can hope for in a storyline is some comic relief-esque banter involving room decoration and paint swatches.

Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time!

6) If Miranda Bailey is touching your boobies, in the middle of a hospital hallway .  . .

 . . . your secrets WILL come out . . .

. . . even if she has to wrench them from your body with a pair of barely sterilized tweezers!

7) When THIS GUY says you are not ready to do surgeries . . .

 . . . you are NOT READY TO DO SURGERIES!

No “ifs” “ands” or “buts” about it, MISSY!

8 ) Are you single?  Feeling lonely?  Unappreciated by the men (or women) in your life?

Worry not!  Getting the objects of your desire to notice you is EASY!

Just get STRUCK BY LIGHTENING, along with all the men of your dreams!

You’ll be beating them off with a stick in NO TIME!  (No really . . . you’ll probably end up wanting to physically beat them.)

9) If your boyfriend is a shrink, and most of your dates are spent with you just talking, and him just “listening” . . .

 . . .  you’re not in a “relationship,” you’re in “therapy.”  Then again, with healthcare plans being what they are today, WHO CARES? 

But, if he ever sends you a bill for his “services,” it’s probably time for you two to have “the talk.”  (The phrase “quid pro quo” might come in handy . . . just saying.)

And finally . . .

10) If you lost your husband’s baby during a tragic accident . . .

 . . . and haven’t told him yet, just bite the bullet and DO IT!

If he’s anything like Dr. McDreamy, he’ll be totally cool with it!  And if he’s not . . . well . . . you wouldn’t want his Ugly Ass Baby, ANYWAY!

So, there you have it —  Ten Lessons learned from this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy.  Consider yourself SCHOOLED!

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

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Anatomy of the BRAND NEW True Blood Trailer Released at Comic-Con 2010!

Tonight, the True Blood cast held a panel session at Comic-Con 2010 in San Diego.   I wasn’t there . . .

But I DID manage to snag a copy of the BRAND NEW trailer for the second half of Season 3, which was released during the panel session . . .

And, of course, it was AWESOME!  Check it out . . .

OK.  It’s time to ANALYZE THE HELL OUT OF THIS THING!  So, remove your jaw from the floor, retract your fangs, put your shirt (and pants) back on, and let’s get to it, shall we?

:07 – I don’t know about you, but this has always been how I preferred my Vampire Bill:  Hot, Shirtless and Chained to the Floor where he can’t get in the way of the inevitable Sookie / Eric lovefest going on nearby.

:08 – Who knew that when Franklin Mott bought Tara that UGLY ASS NIGHTY / WEDDING DRESS (probably back in the early 1800’s), he had also purchased a matching one for HIMSELF! 

(At least he finally SHAVED though.  That morning stubble must have been HELL to wake up next to . . . and I’m not talking about the one in his pants. . . )

:16 – It looks like Creepy J.J. from Big Love the Magister has got Pam!  That’s not good . . .

:17 – Hey, Vampire Bill!  That’s a nice tan your sporting!  How did . . . wait . . . uh oh!

:28 – ERIC: “I don’t know what it is.  But I know it is quite valuable.”

Look how lovingly Sookie looks at Eric, even when he is trying to pawn her off on the Big Gay Vampire King, like she’s some early 19th-century antique (Vampire Bill?).  But seriously, can you blame her?  Have you SEEN what Vampire Eric looks like in that Baby Blue Panty Dropper Sweater of his?  He can sell ME to the highest bidder, ANYTIME!

:32 – Shirtless Tommy Mickens (Marshall Allman) – Not really my cup of tea, personally.  But someone found this blog by searching for THIS EXACT IMAGE.  And I DO hate to disappoint my readers  . .  . So, here you go!

:35 – OK.  I’m confused.  When did I STOP watching the True Blood trailer, and randomly switch over to outtakes from the movie, Deliverance?

(Cringes, as “Dueling Banjos” plays in the background.)

:37 – Question: When white trash gets cleaned up, is it called “White-Washed Trash?” 

 (I didn’t like that comment Mommy Mickens made about Sam not being “family,” one bit, by the way.  But it DOES confirm what I always thought about her character.  Hint:  It rhymes with “masshole.”)

:41 – SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!   SHIRTLESS STACKHOUSE ALERT!

It looks like him and Crystal will be getting VERY CLOSE, VERY FAST . .  . and that her family doesn’t approve of the coupling AT ALL.  Awww . . . it’s like Romeo and Juliet . . .

 . . . if Romeo and Juliet took place in a trailer park in Louisianna . . .

:43 – Way to go Jason!  Whipping out the BIG GUNS!  (And I’m NOT talking about artillery . . .)

:53 – I just LOVE when Vampire Eric gets all up in Sookie’s personal space . . . and so does SHE!

(Note: I’m pointedly choosing to IGNORE that MEAN thing Eric said to Sookie in this scene, because his body language here CLEARLY implies otherwise . . .)

:54 – Speaking of foreplay . . .

1:00 – Of course, it wouldn’t be a True Blood trailer without at least one, “BEEEEEEEEELLLLLL!”

1:04 – It’s nice to see our former BFF’s, Sookie and Tara, bonding again.  It’s also REALLY NICE to see Tara (1) out of captivity; (2) in the sun (It means she’s not a vampire yet.); and (3) dressed in normal clothes from the 21st Century . . .

1:09 – First Deliverance, now The Matrix?  I think this trailer is broken . . .

(Actually, I’m pretty sure that Leather Chick is Vampire Spokesperson Nan from Season 2 . . .)

1:13 – White fur?  Red glowing eyes?  Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have just met our first WERE-VAMPIRE!

(Some vampire lore states that if a person consumes enough vampire blood, he or she can become a vampire without actually . . . you know . . . dying.  If that’s true HERE, and all those werewolves have been consuming Big Gay Vampire King Russell’s blood for lord knows how long, this is some SERIOUISLY BAD NEWS for Sookie and Co.)

1:14 – ALCIDE:  “I don’t take orders from vamps!”

Oooh, Alcide is SEXY when he’s angry!  And he’s sticking it to Vampire Bill too .  . . which makes it even hotter.

(By the way, I heard they just recently announced that Joe Manganiello, who plays Alcide, has officially been awarded SEASON REGULAR status!)

Here’s a little something to help you celebrate this AMAZING news!

And another SOMETHING . . .

You’re welcome.

1:19 – SOOKIE:  “If I knew what was best for me, I would have fallen in love with someone like you.”

(Get in line, Sookie!  Get in line . . .)

1:24 – SOOKIE:  “GET .  . . OUT . . . OF MY HOUSE . . . B*TCH!”

YEAH!  You go, Bad Ass Commando Sookie!

Be afraid, Trashy Debbie She-Mullet!  Be VERY afraid!

1:34 – Don’t you just HATE IT when you get stuck in the ceiling, next to the multi-million dollar chandelier!  I know I do .  . .

1:47 – You know, for some reason, every time I see Lorena, I get that song by Flo Rida stuck in my head.  “You spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down, down.”

I can’t imagine why . . .

1:53 – Poor Sookie!  If  this was any other character on this show, a picture like this would have me really worried.  But it’s SOOKIE .  . . so, I’m not.  

(No Sookie = No True Blood, and if the ratings are any indication, this show is going to be around for a LONG, LONG time!  Therefore, I’m thinking our girl is going to be just fine.  Just a little hunch I have . . .)

1:57 – Hey, I don’t like this Dream Sequence!  A Dream Sequence without a shirtless male in it, is like  . . . well . . . I don’t know what it’s like . . . something LAME though, that’s for sure! 

2:01 – Here is our first glimpse of Claudine (played by Lara Pulver). She was a fairly important character in the latter half of Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse Book series.  Unfortunately, I can’t TELL you what role she plays in Sookie’s life, because I don’t want to spoil it for you.  I CAN show it to you though . . .

(Warning: Spoilerific picture, below.)

And there you have it.  The new True Blood trailer in a nutshell.  So, what did you think?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Degrassi: The Boiling Point (Because Canadian Teens are People Too!)

The cast of Degrassi: The Next Generation . . . NONE of these people are actually on the show anymore.  Seriously.

Once upon a time (the early 2000s) in a land far, far, away (Canada), a bunch of folks got together and created a half-hour television program called Degrassi: The Next Generation.  It was a show about high school kids (well . . . actually, they started out in junior high), one which starred actors and actresses who were ACTUALLY teenagers  . . .

 . . . as opposed to the 35- and 40-year olds who typically starred in teen television dramas at that time.

Meet the first 16-year old to ever suffer from menopause . . .

And the first 17-year old to experience erectile dysfunction disorder.

But what most of us fans of the show DIDN’T know, was that Degrassi wasn’t exactly NEW.  It was actually a revamp of a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY old show (from the 1980s) that ALSO featured high school kids.  Except THEY looked like THIS . . .

Woah!  Scary!

 . . . and had HAIR like THIS . . .

How exactly did one sleep at night, with hair like THAT?  Wouldn’t it puncture holes in the bedroom wall, in the middle of the night?

Throughout the years, the NEW Degrassi grew more and more popular.  And as its cast aged (into their LATE teens, mind you, not their LATE fifties like those OTHER shows), its storylines became more and more provocative.  Degrassi began to tackle REAL issues that REAL teens faced everyday, like . . .

Rape;

Self-mutilation;

Mental illness;

Addiction to Prescription Pain Medication;

School Shootings; and

Zombies.

Due largely to the success of the show, and the innate talents of its stars, many Degrassi: The Next Generation cast members went on to become big stars in .  . . wait for it . . . THE UNITED STATES.  For example, you may remember Darcy Edwards (played by Shenae Grimes), the “good little Christian girl” . . .

“OMG!  You just CURSED!  You are SO going to hell!”

 . . . turned Skanky Ho / Internet Porn Star . . .

 . . . or, as you NOW know her, Annie from the NEW 90210.

Then, there was Little Jimmy (played by Aubrey Graham), the Rich Kid Jock . . .

 . . . who was tragically confined to a wheel chair, after being shot in the back by a psycho.  But you might know him better as kickass rapper dude, Drake . . .

And who could forget my personal favorite?  Baby Mama Mia.

 She doesn’t look familiar to you?  Perhaps you’d recognize her more, if she was attached to the lips of some VERY HOT VAMPIRES . . .

It’s Nina Dobrev!  Or as you know her better, Elena Gilbert of The Vampire Diaries!

Can I get a, “Hell yeah!”

Unfortunately, soon after the departure of these folks (along with most of the rest of the show’s original cast) came an inevitable drop in the show’s ratings . . .

Coming up on its tenth season, Degrassi: The Next Generation was staring down cancellation.  To stay afloat, it needed a MIRACLE!  It needed a HAIL MARY!

Hail, Mary!

So the producers of Degrassi came up with a plan . . .

Why not spice things up a bit, by changing the show’s format to one that’s already proven successful?  Why not make Degrassi into . . .  a SOAP OPERA!

So what if HALF of the longest running soap operas on television have been CANCELED within the past two years?

Clearly, this is an AMAZING and FAILSAFE idea!

And so, starting this week, Degrassi: The Next Generation has traded in its weekly airings for daily ones.  This summer, a half-hour episode of the series will air every weekday at 9 p.m. on TeenNick for six weeks.  This television viewing event is being referred to by advertisers as THE BOILING POINT . . . though I’m not quire sure why . . .

(Maybe watching it gives you hot flashes . . .)

The promo is pretty cool though!

THE BOILING POINT kicked off early this week, with a two-hour special entitled Degrassi Takes Manhattan.  The series got off to a good start, at least in terms of “shock value,” if not exactly for “good plotting” or “good acting.”  During the special, two characters who had precisely NOTHING to do with one another for the ENTIRE ten years they were on the program together (Spinner and Emma), inexplicably declared their “love” for one another, and got married . . .

“And you are . . .?”

(Man!  That drunken Vegas Toronto casino sex must have been REALLY GOOD . . .)

Then, an, admittedly very attractive, brother / sister duo (Declan and Fiona) engaged in a very public, disturbingly sexy, MAKEOUT session with eachother!

“So, Declan.  What do you think we should name our three-headed kids?”

But then, things kind of went downhill .  . .

Take this first week of episodes, for example.  It featured the following plotlines  . . .

THIS couple is NOT pregnant . . .

THIS girl is NOT getting a boob job  . . .

THIS girl did NOT try to commit suicide (ugly ass headband, notwithstanding).

If this keeps up, they may have to change Degrassi’s infamous tagline from “It Goes There” to “It Goes  . . . Where?”

I mean, really!  Fake pregnancies to win ELECTIONS?  Rumors about someone getting a boob job, when she is actually getting LASIK EYE SURGERY?  Could THIS be the same program that brought us this shocking scene?

OR this one?

Then again, maybe I’m being too harsh.  It IS early in the season, yet.  And maybe things will start to pick up, as the weeks wear on . . .  Here’s hoping . . .

So, I have to ask.  Have YOU been watching THE BOILING POINT?  If so, what do you think so far?

[Degrassi’s THE BOILING POINT airs weeknights at 9 p.m. on TeenNick this summer]

 

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Change Your Partner, Change the Game: A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “Homecoming Hangover”

To call tonight’s installment of Pretty Little Liars a “game changer” is a bit of an overstatement . . . a very cliched overstatement.  And yet, in the most literal sense of the term, that’s what “Homecoming Hangover” was.  After all, this was the episode where everything  . . . CHANGED.  Formerly “hot” romances fizzled out  . . .

I still haven’t given up hope, Wren!  COME BACK!

. . . recently broken relationships were mended, new prospective couplings blossomed, and a MAJOR suspect may very well have been taken out of commission for good.

Now that you know all of the rules have changed, what do you say we start playing the game?

“I Was Hunted Down by Creepy Toby, and All I Got Was This Lame Wrist Brace . . .”

“Thank goodness for this stylish butterfly stitch on my forehead, or you might have never known I was recently in ‘GRAVE DANGER.'”

When the episode opens, Aria, Spencer, and Hanna are still at the Homecoming Dance, searching for Emily when they find her cell phone on the ground . . . along with some broken glass . . . and BLOOD!

“I TOLD Emily she should have never chosen the theme song from The Shining as her ringtone.  That’s just asking for trouble.”

But fear not, boys and girls.  Emily is not dead . . .

 . . . She’s just out for a romantic, late night car ride . . . except, she’s all bloody . . . and unconscious . . .  and Creepy Toby is behind the wheel . . .

Now, those of you who truly believed that Toby would chop up Emily into little bite-sized pieces, and eat them with french fries, have clearly never watched an ABC Family show.  Because in the next scene, Emily is chilling in her bedroom with no injuries at all, except for what appears to be a sprained wrist, and a small, very attractive, cut on her forehead.  Then again, maybe Emily suffered some  brain internal injuries, invisible to the human eye, because she was inexplicably on bedrest for two days. 

As it turns out, Creepy Toby . . .

“That’s ME!”

 . . . merely drove Emily’s unconscious body to the hospital, dumped it near the entranceway, and skipped town on his motorcycle, faster than you could say “raving lunatic.”

The next morning, cops swarmed upon Emily’s home, inquiring as to both Toby’s whereabouts and the location of his psychological records, which seemed to have gone missing that same night (because Hanna took them). 

“Oh yeah!  I’m one Bad Ass Chica!”

At some point during the evening (not sure if it was when Toby was chasing her around the school like a mad man, or dragging her, limp unconscious body into his car), Emily decides that Toby is a “totally sweet guy . . . just misunderstood.” What a moron!  So, she comes up with the brilliant idea to lie to the cops on his behalf, by claiming that her injuries were due merely to her own clumsiness, and nothing more. 

Unfortunately for Emily (and Creepy Toby), precisely NO ONE believes her story, particularly not Emily’s mom.  In fact, Mommy Dearest sees this as a BRILLIANT opportunity to lecture the recently beat up Emily for EMBARASSING her family, by having the NERVE to go to the prom with someone SO UNCOOL!

I don’t understand, Emily.  Why can’t you just date statutory rapists in their mid twenties, like your friends do?”

While Emily is resting up in bed with her barely there injuries, she receives some visitors.  First up are Spencer and Aria, who inform Emily about Toby’s whole “Sister Sex with Blind Jenna” Thing.  Emily who has always really wanted a hot brother to screw, is not quite sure what to do with this information.  Fortunately, My New Favorite Character, Hanna, arrives next, to put things into perspective . . . . She sweetly (and wisely) tells Emily that being a Lesbian is WAY better than dating a Sister F**ker who may very well also be a Stalker / Killer, like Creepy Toby.

Third on the guest list is Blind Jenna . . .

. . . who seems to have replaced her Cane of Destruction with a Hound from Hell.  Blind Jenna’s Guide Dog was so menacing and unstable looking, that if this was a different show, I would have sworn it was Creepy Toby in werewolf form . . .

Jenna also brings cookies, which she insists that Emily eat with milk because it helps the poison in them go down easier.

Fortunately, for Emily, she has seen Snow White enough times to know that taking food from Creepy People is a Bad Idea.  So, she leaves the cookies untouched.  Upon realizing that Emily knows about Creepy Toby’s missing psych file, Blind Jenna begs her for its safe return.  Emily promises Blind Jenna that she will do everything in her power to keep the latter’s Brother F*c*ing Secret safe, by retrieving the file.  However, when Emily texts the other Pretty Little Liars regarding said promise, they have already thrown the file in the LAKE, fully in tact.  

Riiiiiight . . . because NO ONE is going to find it THERE!  Haven’t these girls ever heard of a SHREDDER?

NO!  Not THAT Shredder!  THIS Shredder . . .

Only two can keep a secret, if one of them is SHRED . . .

During this episode, Emily also wins a car . . .

and decides to make a go of it with her lady crush, Maya . . .

 . . . which I would be excited about . . . if these two weren’t the most BORING lesbian couple on the entire planet  . . .

Hanna learns the joys of YouTube . . . and Lucas

“Hey, Hanna!  I found this GREAT video where they make fun of all the girls from Pretty Little Liars.  Wanna see?”

The next day at school, Hanna has to take a makeup picture, for the yearbook, wearing her Homecoming Queen crown. Hanna’s photographer is none other than THIS GUY  . . .

 . . . no . . . actually it’s not him. 

However, OUR guy, Lucas, looks and acts JUST LIKE Seth Cohen from The O.C., which undoubtedly has a lot to do with why I like him so much.  After initially getting adorably shy and flustered around Hanna, upon seeing her once again decked out in her homecoming finest, Lucas quickly develops an easy repoire with the Queen Bee, tossing cute jokes and sarcastic quips her way, as he hones in on her with his camera lens. 

Then, unfortunately, the Boring, Quite Possibly Gay, Sean has to come and ruin everything, with his bitchy attitude and his blubbering about how Hanna ditched him at the dance.    Boo Hoo, Rich Popular Jock Boy, the world’s smallest violin is performing an entire concert in your honor . . .

Beauty and the D-Bag.

Did I mention that this A-hole couldn’t even be bothered to put on a PAIR OF PANTS, before appearing in the photo shoot?  (Then again, Sean was probably just trying to hit on Lucas, by showing him his hot dog . . .)

It’s a tough job, but SOMEONE has to be Sean’s little weiner.

 Sean ultimately throws a temper tantrum, and storms out of the room, leaving Hanna and Lucas alone to flirt with eachother.

Later, Hanna and Lucas bond over the wonderful world of YouTube, and, in particular, a video involving a Snowboarding Turkey.

Not exactly the video I would have chosen to help land ME a date.  But it seemed to work prettyh well for Lucas.  So who am I to judge?

While enjoying their YouTube, Lucas and Hanna learned that they both had something else in common: both had a bad high school nickname bestowed upon them by none other than the Now Dead Ali . . .

Lucas’ was “Herme the Hermaphodite,” because Ali didn’t like his glasses (Huh?  I don’t get it.)  Hanna was “Hefty Hanna” (Now, that one I get, at least).  Wise Lucas then asks Hanna what many Pretty Little Liars fans have undoubtedly been thinking since the start of this show.  Namely, “Why the heck did you all hang out with Ali, if she was such a b*tch?”  (Well, put Seth Cohen Lucas!)

Hanna spouts off some nonsense about Ali having a way of “making people feel special.”  However, I suspect the REAL reason for their friendship was that Ali had a way of “making people popular.”

At the end of the episode, Hanna makes up with Sean, but soon learns that HE, unlike Lucas, has NO appreciation for Snowboarding YouTube Turkeys OR Loud Music (two things which should clearly signify the death knell for ANY high school relationship).  Worry not, Sean . . . you’ll always have Jesus . . .

First Wren Leaves, Now Fitzy, What is this show coming to?

Watch with a heavy heart, as those pasty twig legs and dweeby haircut ride off into the sunset  . . . alone.

But before I get to Fitzy, there’s something else you should know about Sean.  Aside from loving Jesus, and hating Snowboarding Turkeys, he’s also a two-timing bastard.  He taught us that, when he sent a huge bouquet of flowers to his girlfriend’s best friend, Aria, in hopes that doing so would help him to get into her pantalones, pronto.  (By the way, I’m not buying Sean’s whole “abstinence thing” for a minute.   Are you?)

Say what you want about Aria, but she KNOWS bullshit when she sees it.  Suspecting that Sean is only feigning interest her to get back at Hanna for her Homecoming Dance antics, Aria calls Sean out on his behavior, extracting a heartfelt apology from him, in the process.  Aria’ is lucky that this incident blew over fast, because she REALLY doesn’t have time for any more BS in her life.  She’s already chock full.  During this episode, Aria had to deal with the trial separation of her mother and father, AND her brother’s acting out in school . . .

To further complicate matters, overnight, her lover, Ezra a.k.a. Fitzy, seemed to have went the way of Wren and Creepy Toby — having disappeared into thin air overnight (They REALLY are dropping like flies, aren’t they?  It SURE doesn’t help your employment status to have a weiner on this show!). 

Desperate for answers, Aria heads to Fitzy’s apartment, and lets herself in using the hide-a-key he has left under his welcome mat. 

REALLY, Fitzy?  A HIDE-A-KEY?  Under a WELCOME MAT?  In an APARTMENT COMPLEX?  You might has well put a sign on your door that says, “Please Rob Me!”

Anyway, soon after Aria is safely inside Fitzy’s apartment, she hears a message on his answering machine from a nearby high school.  Apparently, Fitzy is applying for a job out of town.  Aria is crushed, though I’m not exactly sure why.  If Fitzy starts teaching elsewhere, Aria and him can bone without fear of repercusion for the whole “student / teacher thing.”  Then again . . . there’s still the whole “statutory rape” thing on the table.  Fitzy can’t exactly make that one disappear, now can he?

Spencer Shish-Kabobs and Salsas into Alex’s Heart

While Aria was LOSING her OLD man (emphasis on the OLD), Spencer was digging her claws into her NEW one.  With Wren seemingly no where to be found he’s probably off shooting a pilot episode somewhere, Spencer has devoted herself wholeheartedly to getting Alex’s pants. 

 Her campaign begins in the kitchen at the country club where Spencer plays and Alex works.  Spencer barges in to apologize for her bad behavior during the Homecoming Dance.  Clearly turned on by Spencer’s persistence and agression, Alex quickly forgives her and agrees to give her another chance, provided she let HIM pick the terms of the couple’s next date.  Spencer is overjoyed.

One – Love. (Two, if you count Wren, which I STILL DO!)

Just in case you forgot what he looks like . . .

Unfortunately, on the day of the Big Date, Alex calls Spencer to cancel, claiming he has to work.  Knowing the country club is closed that day, Spencer quickly becomes convinced that she has been stood up.   So, she does what any good stalker girlfriend would do, she heads to the country club, to catch him in a lie.  Except that, the jokes on her, because, HE’S WORKING AFTER ALL!

You’ve really gotta hand it to Spencer.  Rather than leave with her tail between her legs, she insists on sticking around to help Alex skewer shish kabobs.  She even wears a HAIR NET!  Now, if that’s not love, I don’t know what is . . .

Love means never having to get your hair in the mashed potatos.

And I have to say, despite a slight tiff involving a defaced photograph of Spencer hanging in the kitchen supply closet (someone who works there is apparently not a fan), these two made a mighty cute couple.   As the pair cooked and listened to the radio, an adorably booty shaking Alex (who has a really cute butt, by the way) commandeered Spencer to participate in a surprisingly spicy salsa dance.  And while it wasn’t quite enough to make me jump ship and switch to Team Alex, it WAS fun to watch . . .

At the end of the episode, two fairly important (and spooky) things happened:

(1) Creepy Toby’s Creepy Motorbike was found mangled in the woods.   He is now believed by authorities to be dead.  This prompted the Absent- for- NEARLY – An- ENTIRE Episode, A to, text the following message to Emily:  ‘Thank you for getting Toby out of the way for me;”

(2) That weird leather jacket-wearing, black-gloved person (who must be REALLY hot wearing all those layers, by the way, seeing as it always seems to be pretty sunny in the fictional town of Rosewood) retrieved Creepy Toby’s Creepy Sister F&*king Psych Evaluation from the lake.

So, there you have it.  “Homecoming Hangover” in a nutshell.  All in all, I thought it was a pretty solid, well acted, at times, even surprising, episode.  What did you think?

 

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