Tag Archives: Rene Lenier

Because Vampires Don’t Have to Suck . . . – Seven (and a half) Ways to Save True Blood, Next Season

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It’s probably no secret that True Blood and I are on a bit of a “break” in our relationship.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, we still see one another, every Sunday night . . .

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But, lately, it’s become more out of habit than anything else.  Basically, I think we’ve both come to the conclusion that the spark in our relationship has fizzled a bit.  We’ve even started seeing other people shows . . .

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Now, lest you think I’m a total sour fangbanger, I will say that the past few episodes of True Blood have been fairly decent.  And yet, with only one episode left in the season, I feel like this may just be a case of “too little, too late.”

However . . .

I don’t give up on my friends and my lovers.  And I definitely don’t give up on my once-favorite television shows.  The truth of the matter is, I still think True Blood can be saved!

A few weeks back, I suggested a few possible spinoffs for the show, that might re-energize the franchise.  This week, I’m focusing on the show, itself.  So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you, my seven (and a half) step foolproof plan to make True Blood fangtastic, once again . . .

1) Minimize Extraneous Plotlines

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The folks of Bon Temps definitely know how to tell a great story.  Over the past few years, we’ve had a few really great plotlines that will forever remind me of why I fell in love with this show, in the first place.  Who could forget Season 1’s Sexy Serial Killer?

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Or Season 2’s “Jason Joins a Jesus Cult” fiasco?

And let us not forget Season 3’s “Mississippi Vampire King Delivers the News” . . .

Like its predecessors, Season 5 has also had its share of solid storylines.  For example, I’ve been genuinely enjoying Tara Thornton’s and Steve Newlin’s parallel transitions into “good new vampire” and “bad new vampire,” respectively.

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And Vampire Pam has positively killed it this season (no pun intended), with her kickass “origins” story, her heartbreaking (hopefully temporary) separation from Eric, and her surprisingly heartwarming acceptance of her responsibilities as Tara’s maker.

Speaking of Eric, I’ve also really enjoyed seeing a genuine soft side to the Viking Vampire (as opposed to the artificial, highly disconcerting “manchild” soft side we got during the Amnesia!Eric Days, last season), as he struggles with his faith, his feelings toward his Maker and Progeny, and his strong desire to save the soul of his “sister” Nora.

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The problem is that these are just four of about twelve different storylines that have been jam-packed into this season.  Now, sure, the idea of every single cast member getting his or her own extended backstory / plotline is good, in theory.  But it’s simply not workable for a twelve-episode season.  I mean, honestly, did we REALLY need to spend eight episodes on the Big Bad Battle between Terri and Noel from Felicity versus The Smoke Monster from Lost 2: Electric Boogaloo?

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And what about that bizarro Shifter Killers in Obama Masks storyline . . . you know, the one that was largely comprised of roughly ten characters we have never seen before, and will likely never see again?  In a 22 or 24 episode season the existence of these sideplots wouldn’t have mattered so much.  But in a cable-sized season, they took significant time away from stories and characters we genuinely care about.

So, in conclusion, when it comes to storylines, less is more.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that some of the best seasons of True Blood were also the ones with the least storylines.  Season 1 managed to rope all of its characters into a single Serial Killer plotline.  And Season 2 did the same with thing with two plotlines.  As a rule of thumb, the more core characters you can incorporate into your story, the more invested your viewers will be in that story.  This, of course, leads me to . . .

2) Don’t split up your core cast members

The majority of this season found Sookie, Jason, Pam and Tara slumming it in Bon Temps, while their co-stars, Eric and Bill, schmoozed it up with those uber snooty (not to mention, snoozy) Authority folk.  Now, whether you happen to be Team Eric or Team Bill,  TEAM ERIC!  TEAM ERIC!  TEAM ERIC!  as a fan, this had to dust your doilies a little bit.

Now, I’m not even lodging this complaint from a shipper / romance perspective.  I’m simply talking about basic logistics.  Having your most popular characters interact with one another on a regular basis, is something fans LIKE TO SEE.  After all, back in Season 1, we signed on for a show about a spunky Southern Waitress, interacting with Sexy Vampires.

Not a Spunky Southern Waitress traipsing around with nameless fairies, while the Sexy Vampires are doing their own thing, Somewhere ELSE . . .

Just sayin . . .

3) Choose an Interesting and Charismatic Big Bad

Over the years, True Blood has had some stellar super villains.  There was the elusive Rene Lenier in season 1 . . .

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. . . the oddly charming Steve Newlin, in Season 2 . . .

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. . . and who could forget the inimitable Russell Edgington’s debut in Season 3?

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Initially, Season 5 of True Blood seemed to have the right idea.  Bringing back that zany religious nutbar Steve Newlin?  And as a VAMPIRE, no less?  Then, pairing him with Russell Edgington, for a dynamic (and surprisingly likeable) evil duo?  How could this plan NOT succeed?

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And, to some extent, it did succeed . . . Russell’s and Steve’s scenes together comprise some of the most enjoyable, hilarious moments of this entire series.

So, what’s the problem, then?  All those OTHER lame villains, who have also been thrown into the mix, starting with . . .  WAIT FOR IT . . . That Gross Red Lady, Lilith . . .

I mean, honestly, aside from that extremely small population of men who get turned on by women coated in chunky tomato sauce, with voices like drag queens, who exactly is the audience for this kind of character?  I mean, doesn’t say much, so she’s not exactly funny or smart.  The fact that she may or may not be real, makes her not particularly scary.  And the fact that she seems to get everyone else to do her dirty work, while she just stands there and stares at the camera, makes her flat out LAZY!

The same can pretty much be said for her minion, Salome, who, at least is a bit nicer to look at, but pretty much bores me to tears, every time she is on screen.

What bothers me so much about this flaw in Season 5, is that it was entirely unnecessary!  We had two perfectly good villains, who were more than capable of carrying the show on their own.

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Sigh!  Maybe next season . . .

4) Keep Fabulous Characters Behaving Fabulously . . .

One of my favorite things about True Blood, was that the show could always be counted on to bring the SASSY.  Back in Season 1, Pam, Tara and Lafayette comprised the Triumvirate of Sass.  These three could always be counted on to have the perfect zinger for just about every wacky situation on the show.  Here are just a few of their highlights . .  .

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But then somewhere in the middle of the series Pam got quiet, Tara got whiny, and Lafayette (when he wasn’t getting kidnapped, or crying about something) was getting possessed way too often by people who were way less sassy then himself.

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Somewhere in the middle of this recent season however, Pam, Tara, and Lafayette all managed to simultaneously get their respective grooves back.  Now, that has been a joy to watch!

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So, in the future, TB writers.  Let’s keep the Triumvirate of Sass doing what they do best, BEING SASSY.  And please, for the love of all that is holy, NO MORE POSSESSIONS . . . EVER!

5) The books are GOOD!  (Well, at least the first seven were . . . ) USE THEM!

By now, it’s certainly no secret, even to the most casual True Blood fan that the television series is based on a collection of books called the Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries, written by the author, Charlaine Harris.  Up until this year, each season of True Blood could be mapped directly to a Sookie Stackhouse Book.  Season 1 of True Blood loosely followed, Book 1 of the Series, Dead Until Dark.  Season 2 followed Book 2, Living Dead in Dallas, and so on . . .

Following along with a popular book series, was a win-win proposition for True Blood.  Fans of the books enjoyed seeing their favorite characters come to life on the small screen.  And while these book readers knew the basic structure of the season’s plot line, there were always little surprises thrown into the series, to keep them on their toes.  Like, for example, there was that time that a character who died early in the books (Lafayette), shockingly survived in the series.  And then, there was that other character (Jason), who turned into a shifter in the books, but stayed human in the series.  Book fans were also able to enjoy the addition into the television series of a few original plotlines which, while they didn’t actually take place in the context of the books, still seemed to consistent enough with the overall narrative of the story, that they conceivably COULD have happened, in the novel’s “deleted scenes.”

Then Season 5 came, and it suddenly felt as though the books never existed . . .

Now, I know . . . I know . . . the show is NOT meant the same as the books.  And True Blood writers are obviously well within their rights to develop original plotlines for these characters in the context of the show.  On the other hand, there are still a couple of excellent plotlines from the books that it would almost be a shame not to use in the series.  I mainly referring to the AWESOME World Vampire Conference in Book 7, and the very intriguing mystery of what happened to Sookie’s cousin Hadley, in Book 6 . .  .

Basing the True Blood Seasons around particular books, helped the writers give this show consistency, structure, and balance, which brings me to . . .

7) Maintain a healthy balance between camp and horror

True Blood still remains one of the few shows out there that can make things like brutal stabbings, and bloody murder FUNNY.

Part of the reason for this is that the show, its actors, and its writers never  took themselves too seriously.  By inserting moments of “meta” self awareness, and slapstick hilarity, into even its most gruesome sequences, early True Blood episodes successfully towed the line between comedy and horror, without being totally offensive or tasteless.

Then came this season . . . and that vampire that eats little kids and babies . . .  Now, call me prude, but there’s just no way I can find that funny.  In fact, I have trouble finding any portion of the Vampire Authority Storyline (with the exception of the scenes including Russell and Steve) funny . . .

Maybe it’s because those stuffy, Lilith-loving politicians are always so gosh darn serious all the time!

So, in conclusion, for next season, I suggest, more CAMP . . .  less politics / baby eaters.  KAPEESH?

And finally . . . last, but certainly not least . . .

7.5) Less naked Lilith and Luna, more naked Eric / Alcide / and Jason!

I think this one is pretty much, self-explanatory.  Don’t you?

So, there you have it, 7.5 surefire ways to keep True Blood Fangtastic for Season 6. Any questions?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“Excuse me, we’re feeling a little crispy up here!” – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 4 Finale “And When I Die”

So, I was thinking of making a life-sized sculpture of this image, and putting it in my living room as a coat rack.  (I’d only actually hang coats on the Bill side, of course.)

Greetings Fangbangers!  Can you believe another season of True Blood has already come and gone?  It seems like only yesterday that Sookie was off playing with the fairies . .  .

 . . . and Baby Vamp Jessica was still dating Hoyt . . .

 . . . and half the characters on this show were STILL ALIVE . . .

3/8 of the people in this picture no longer have beating hearts for Eric Northman to yank out and sip on . . .


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But, of course, it wasn’t yesterday.  It was twelve weeks ago.  And A LOT has changed since then (most of it in the last hour of the season).

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So, round up your favorite ghosts, tightly secure your demon headgear, and for, heaven sakes, LOCK YOUR DOOR, because it’s time for the FINAL True Blood recap of the season . . .

(Oh, and as always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for all the brilliant screencaps!)

I Guess He REALLY Didn’t Like Those Eggs .  . .

“PLEASE STOP!  I promise I’ll scramble them next time!” 

Lala hasn’t been himself, since he woke up this morning.  He keeps giving Jesus the stinkeye, and not eating his eggs.   Jesus thinks something is up with his lover, but he doesn’t want to pry, because that’s not what “good boyfriends” do . . .

“Are you mad, because I insisted on wearing my Demon Helmet, while we had sex?” 

Ever the peacemaker, Jesus apologizes to Lala for pressuring him to use his TRULY AWFUL “gift” of inconveniently opening his mouth whenever angry ghosts are passing by.  But still, Lala does not respond.  So, Jesus just sadly kisses him.  But when he does, he SMELLS SOMETHING ROTTEN .  . .

“Did you forget to brush your teeth again, this morning, Lala?  Because that sh*t is RANK!” 

It smells like WITCHIPOO!

“Dammit!  I knew I should have put on my Ghost Deodorant before crawling into Lafayette’s mouth.  So STUPID!”

Of course, since we already knew that Witchipoo possessed Lala, after last week’s episode, this was no surprise at all.  OH NO!  Witchipoo is in Lafayette’s body. I’m bored SHOCKED!  Lalapoo then stabs Jesus with his fork, and somehow manages to drag him into his house and tie him to a chair.  Is this the beginning of a fun, S&M Brujo Sex Game, perhaps?  I’m thinking not . . .

“If this is going to be a Sex Game, let me know.  Because I really want to go grab my hat.” 

But Jesus and Lalapoo aren’t the only ones who are having a rough morning . . .

Tara Forgets the Number One Rule of How to Stay Alive as a TV Character: NEVER Talk About Getting Old.

“Since I knew we were going to have a discussion about getting old, I thought I’d get into the mood, by wearing this ugly ass grandma nightgown.” 

Tara (who spent the night at Sookie’s, because I don’t even know if she has a home anymore) heads into the kitchen to find Sookie all distraught and weepy.  What else is new?

 

You see, Sookie has had this stain on her kitchen floor for years.  And she just can’t seem to get rid of it . . .

Yeah, that’s really gross.  Sorry about that.  I tried to help, by making it smaller . . . 

Sookie admits to Tara that she’s been feeling Granny’s presence lately.  And she’s not “feeing her” in the sweet spiritual way people usually say they “feel” their dead loved one’s presence.  Nope.  She’s feeling Granny in the creepy, “I keep seeing her dead body on the floor, and am worried she’s going to get up from there and start baking pecan pie” way.

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Then, randomly, Sookie starts talking about how she wants to one day become an old lady sitting on the porch with her grandkids.  You know, because seeing a dead bloody old lady on your kitchen floor inspires nostalgia, or something.  Then,Tara says she hopes to be an old lady on that porch, right along side Sookie . . .

Yeah, you just pretty much signed your death warrant, right there, Tara.  (Or should I say, “Tarapoo.”)  You see . . . Sookie?  She’s the main character of the show.  She can talk about being old all she wants, and nothing is going to happen to her.  But YOU talk about getting old, and it’s pretty much a surefire trip to the grave or vampirism, for you.  And we all know how much you HATE those vampires!

“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?” 

Speaking of graves (and dead people) . . .

Is Maxine Fortenberry Going to Adopt EVERYONE on This Show?

“Poor Tommy Boy!  I never did get to teach him the right way to wear my makeup.”

A word of warning, Kiddies!  This is what’s going to happen to you, if you’re a screw-up.  The only people who will end up attending your funeral are the two people you impersonated, and the one you had sex with, while you were impersonating one of them.  In all seriousness though, I’m kind of disappointed that Jess didn’t attend Tommy’s funeral, because those two were good buds, back in the day . . .

In fact, Jess was the only “friend” Tommy never screwed over probably because he REALLY wanted to get in her panties.

Maxine and Sam commiserate over how much they are going to miss Tommy, even though he kind of treated them both like crap, most of the time.  It’s interesting how tolerant Maxine was of Tommy, and all his flaws, when she was always so INTOLERANT of her own ridiculously well-behaved son, and HIS life choices.

“YEAH!  Take that, Mom!” 

Still, it was super sweet of Maxine to offer Sam the right to call her Mom, since he no longer has any family members to call his own.  Here’s hoping that the growth Maxine has undergone this season, will enable her to make amends with her own son in Season 5.  Because something tells me that man is going to need some SERIOUS motherly love, next season  . . .

“Motherly love?  Who needs motherly love?  I just want to start getting laid again, DAMMIT!” 

After the funeral, Sam and Luna start making out again What else is new?, and chatting about how wonderful their lives are, now that Greasypoo is dead.

“So, you’re a Skinwalker, right, Luna?  Would it be terribly awkward if I asked you to shapeshift into Natalie Portman?  I’ve really always wanted to bang her.” 

Then Luna, who clearly watches more television than Tara, warns Sam that if they keep acting cheesy and overly happy, the world will come along and poop on them again.  Well, at least she knows what she’s getting into . . .

Speaking of people who are constantly getting their ass kicked by life . . .

Why Jason Should Seriously Consider Investing in Body Armor . . .

“Well, this feels familiar.  But hey!  At least I’m not getting straddled and screwed by underage, inbred, and toothless werepanthers.  So . . . PROGRESS!” 

Jason decides to come clean to Hoyt about having sex with Jess.  And when Hoyt asks him “how,” he starts describing it rather graphically, by listing the various positions in which Jess and Jason got to know one another in the biblical sense.  You know, because THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR . . .

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“Would you like me to draw you a diagram, Hoyt?  Because I could draw you a diagram.” 

Then, Hoyt starts kicking Jason’s ass, like . . . a lot . .  . and Jason just sits back and takes it.  Because, I guess that’s what friends are for too . . .

“If you were planning to have sex with my ex-girlfriend, the least you could have done was invited me over for a threesome.  That’s what your SISTER would do!” 

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In a parting shot to Jason, that truly seems to hurt him more than the sucker punches and groin kicks ever will (Well, maybe not the groin kicks.  I hear those are TERRIBLE!), Hoyt tells his former(?) best friend that he will never find true love, because something inside of him is missing . . .

Oh, don’t you worry, Jason!  Whatever is missing inside of you, I will gladly go in there and fix it. 😉 

That night, Jessica heads to Jason’s house dressed as a Slutty Red Riding Hood.  (Did I forget to mention that it’s Halloween in Bon Temps?  Well, it is!)

“My what a big penis popsicle stick you have!” 

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“The better to poke you with, my dear.”

She wants to screw!  So, they do!  And it’s GOOD!

Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a porno entitled “Little Red Riding Pussy?” 

Meow?

After sex, Jessica wants to bolt, so she can go eat something.  And it’s a TOTAL role reversal, because Jason is adorably pouting, and wondering whether she wants to leave because, he’s not a good lay (AS IF?!), or because he is “missing something inside,” like Hoyt said he was.  Jessica comforts him by telling him that he has sexy hip bones (among other things).  It’s just that she’s not ready to be in a serious relationship yet, after what happened with Hoyt.  And, oh yeah, she still wants to EAT other people . . .

“Well, OK . . . as long as you brush your teeth, afterwards.” 

Jason tries to act like he’s cool with it.  But, honestly, I’m not sure he means it.  He definitely seems like he wants more from the relationship than just sex.  Because, when you think about it, aside from him being a huge Man Slut, back in Season 1, Jason is actually a REAL “Relationship Guy” . . . someone who always seems to really love the women he dates . . . even that Nutbar Crystal!

I never said he had good taste . . . 

To make matters even more awkward, the “new not-so-couple”, keep talking about Hoyt, in the context of their sex lives, which is actually kind of creepy  . . .

“Come on, people!  You know you want a piece of this!”

Shortly after Jessica leaves, there’s a knock at the door.  And poor Jason gets all giddy, because he thinks Jessica has changed her mind, and decided to spend the night.  But it’s DEFINITELY not Jessica at the door.  It’s THIS GUY. . .

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That’s the preppiest f*&king vampire I’ve ever seen!

So, how does the HEAD of the Vampire-Hating Fellowship of the Sun end up becoming a fanger, himself?  I don’t know.  And we are probably going to have to wait until Season 5 to find out.  But am I the only one wondering whether this whole scene was just a Big Fat Tease?  After all, this IS a Halloween episode.  And it wouldn’t be hard for a guy like Steve Newlin to head over to some costume shop to purchase some realistic retractable teeth, in order to scare the  stuffing out of the man who screwed his wife back in Season 2.

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Just a thought . . .

You Killed JESUS!  You Bastard!

“Seriously, Lalapoo, what kind of chair is this?  This is the most uncomfortable chair I have ever sat in!  Of all the chairs in this place, why did you have to tie me up in this ugly piece of crap?  It’s giving me a wedgie.  Plus, I’m in SCRUBS!  No one should have to die in scrubs .  . . SO UNFLATTERING!” 

Lalapoo is trying to convince Jesus to give up his Really Nifty Helmet Head Power.  But Jesus is not down with that.  He says you can’t trade magic like Pokemon cards . . .

Little does Jesus know that Lalapoo has a MASSIVE Pokemon card collection, back in the Moongoddess Emporium.  And that’s where he/she gets all her powers from!   Jesus doesn’t want Lala’s inner Witchipoo to hurt his boyfriend, so he starts doing that weird chanting thing again.  And then LALAPOO STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH!

BEEEEEEEEEELLLL  JEESSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUSSSS!”

Sorry, wrong Jesus.  Thanks for coming, though!

So, it turns out, you CAN trade magic powers like Pokemon cards.  Because now LALAPOO is wearing that ugly helmet.  But here’s the weird thing.  It suddenly MATCHES LALAPOO’S outfit?  Who knew Demon Helmets had such great fashion sense?

Pretty in Purple

Matching abilities aside, as far as Evil Head Gear goes, Demon Hat is, at best, a second place finisher, for me.  I mean, I don’t know about you, but my heart will always belong to the Ribcage Hat .  . .

Speaking of weird outfits . . .

Alert the Media – Sookie Actually Goes to Work (and spends the entire time hitting on Alcide)!

So, did it occur to you that Sookie hasn’t showed up at work this ENTIRE season?  It sure didn’t occur to Sam, who assumed she was just “going through some stuff” when she ditched her shifts for an ENTIRE WEEK!  Sookie reminds Sam that he sort of / kind of fired her.

And Sam tells her that he wasn’t himself that day.  He was Tommy.  So, he decides to give Sookie her job back, provided she wears Playboy Bunny ears for Halloween.  Sounds like a fair trade, right?   I mean, at least she didn’t have to wear something AWFUL, like those zombie costumes Terry and Arlene were wearing, right?  (Oh . . . wait . . . you’re telling me they CHOSE to look like that?  Never mind then . . .)

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By the way, want to ensure your kid gets knocked up at an early age, Arlene?  Let her dress up like THAT for Halloweeen . . .

Sookie takes off her bunny ears FAST, when Alcide arrives at the bar to tell her, he’s not necessarily in love with her, but they should date anyway, because they are WAY less crazy than all the other wackadoos in this town.  At first, I thought that sounded like a really unromantic proposition.  Then, I remembered what Alcide’s ass looks like . . .

 . . . and his BEAUTIFULLY SEXY NIPPLES . . .

. . . and decided it was a great offer . . .

Sookie didn’t take it though.  Because she’s still all about BEEEEEELLL and ERRRRRIIIIC.  More on that later.  Anyway, Alcide can’t stay and hit on Sookie much longer.  He just got a call from one of his construction workers.  Apparently, a vampire glamoured him, dug a BIG FAT HOLE right in the middle of the CEMENT parking lot, and left.  I bet you know who was in that HOLE, right?

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That’s right, boys and girls.  Big Bad King Russell is back in action!  Hide your newscasters!

The question is, which vampire was desperate enough to break him out, when so few people knew where he was buried in the first place?  Well . . . I have one idea.  And you’re not going to like it . . .

Pam is SUPER TIRED of Sookie’s Fairy Vag . . .(Wouldn’t YOU be, if you were her?)

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You know, I’m so glad that Alan Ball decided not to kill Screaming Ginger this Season, like Charlaine Harris did in Book 4.  Because, if he had, Pam would have had no one to ride on her coffin . . .

Or hug Pam, while she freaked out over F*ckin Sookie (Yes, I’ve decided to call her that for the rest of the recap, once again) and her tendency to make all the male cast members on this show turn to mush (more on that later.)

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I don’t mean to be a hater.  But Pam CRIED TOO MUCH, THIS SEASON.  That’s SO not Bad Ass . . . just sayin’.

Because, rest assured, Pam definitely needed a hug.  I just hope she didn’t take all that pent up anger and use it to shoot a rocket launcher at Sookie . . .

 .  . . to do something crazy, like free Russell Edgington.  Because Eric would REALLY never forgive her for that one . . .

While we are on the subject of murderers . . .

When Your SERIAL KILLER Ghost Boyfriend Tells You to Be Afraid . . .

 . . .  BE VERY AFRAID! 

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(You’ve gotta admit, as far as psycho serial killers go, this one was kind of charming . . .)

Surprise!  All season Arlene’s been worried that her baby is an Evil Spawn possessed by Papa Vampire Killer, Rene . . .

So, you can imagine Arlene’s surprise, when Rene’s Ghost DOES come to see her, right after that whole SUPER ANNOYING Baby Storyline has ended.  Even more surprising, he’s being NICE!  He just wants to warn Arlene that her second husband might very well be just as big of a sociopath as her first one, so she should RUN . . . AWAY .  . . FAST . . .

“Wait . . . why am I hugging you?  You’re the one he’s talking about!” 

Actually, that’s not exactly what Ghost Rene said.   Ghost Rene simply said that the Ghosts of Terry’s past won’t stay buried forever.  I kind of take that meaning literally.  After all, Terry is a war veteran who cracked up, after serving his country.  He’s probably killed a LOT of people, who aren’t too happy about it.  What I’m saying is, I don’t think it was a coincidence that Arlene and Terry dressed up like zombies this year for Halloween .  . . I think it was meant to foreshadow a future storyline.

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In other Ghosts of the Past News (perhaps not so ghostly . . . yet) Noel from Felicity Terry’s old war buddy, Patrick, is back in town to see Terry.  And he seems to be pretty darn hot.  How did he manage to stay so hot? up to something not-so-kosher . . .

Like stealing Felicity away from Ben, perhaps?

All Those Ghosts Together in One Place, and NO ONE Thought to Do The Thriller Dance?  FAIL!

That’s better!

Waitress / Resident Witch Holly is sparking a doobie, while talking to F*&kin Sookie about how the town feels weirder than usual tonight.  She’s saying all this while she’s dressed as a fairy . . . you know, because fairy’s AREN’T scary.  HAHA!

“I am SO high right now, I’m starting to think this outfit actually looks good on me.”

Then, Tara the Killjoy comes by to tell the girls that Jesus is not-so-much alive anymore.  And Lala, is not-so-much Lala, as he is Witchipoo.  (Talk about KILLING A GOOD BUZZ!)  So, the threesome race to the cemetery, while Holly dopily digs through her purse / Emergency Eitch Spell Making Kit (Buy them at CVS for $4.99), for something to combat possession . . . Or whatever it is you call it, when someone flies into your mouth.  Then, forces you to kill your boyfriend, and wear his weird hat.

“I only make constipated faces, because I care.” 

At the cemetery, Charlie’s Lala’s Angels arrive to find that Lalapoo has helpfully stripped the Viking Vampire and King Cockblock, and tied them to some vaguely phallic-looking object (a tree?).  Sound familiar?

And yet despite being silvered and in GREAT DANGER, King Cockblockand his New Boyfriend, Viking Vampire still manage to find time to flirt with one another . . .

Ah!  The fresh bloom of Old and Decrepit Love!  So sweet!

The group try to distract Lalapoo by saying silly things to him / her, like “Revenge won’t bring you peace,” and other such B.S. (SO UNTRUE!), while Holly tiptoes around circling the area in salt.  You know . . . because every good barbecue requires a nice heaping helping of salt.

“Shhhh!  Be very, very quiet . . . I’m hunting Lalapoo!” 

Oh, yeah, I said “barbecue,” didn’t I?  id I forget to mention that Lalapoo LIT THE NAKED VAMPIRES ON FIRE LIKE A BIG OLE WEINER-FILLED SHISH KABOB?  Well, he/she did!

“So, I know weiners are supposed to shrink in the “cold and wet?”  Does that mean that they ENLARGE in the “hot and dry?”  In that case, hey Sookie!  Get a load of my HOT ROD!” 

Then F*&kin Sookie does her little glow finger thing, and temporarily knocks  out Lalapoo, which only causes him/her to put on that nifty Demon Hat AGAIN . . . (Sheesh!  Boring!  A little variety in headgear wouldn’t hurt, Lalapoo!  Tim Gunn would NOT approve!)

“Ooooh, you’ve got to . . . let your body VOGUE to the mu-sic.” 

Now, as much as I didn’t want my Eric to become casserole, I’m actually kind of glad F*&kin Sookie’s Cure All Glow Finger’s Didn’t Work, this time.  I was getting SUPER tired of the writers always using her lightbulb hands to get out of the various messes they created for themselves his season.

Then, the girls started chanting, something that sounded suspiciously like, “Friends, Romans, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your Dead Ears.”  And in the most unintentionally hilarious scene in the entire episode, all the DEAD inhabitants of the cemetery, started WADDLING TOWARD LALAPOO, including, you guessed it, Sweet Old, Perpetual Muumuu-Wearing, Adele Stackhouse . . .

. . . and the oddly likeable (even though she really is the one who got us into this mess, in the first place), Antonia . . .

. . . who, after an entire season, FINALLY got to wash her face.  And you know what that means for Witchipoo, right?

So, first Antonia puts out the fire that’s been grilling our vampires.  And then Adele reaches into Lalapoo’s mouth, and removes the “poo” from it . . . the WITCHIPOO, that is . . .

Oh, that is gross! I mean, you just KNOW that, up in Heaven, Adele is BAKING PECAN PIES
WITH THAT HAND!

So, Lala is now un-poo’ed, and writhing on the floor.  But, other than that, he’s OK . . . you know, other than being TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE.  At this point in the story, I’m REALLY looking forward to something TRULY AWFUL happening to Witchipoo, to pay her back being such a HEINOUS ASSHOLE the entire season . . . something like THIS . . . (Sorry, I couldn’t find a version that was in English.  But I think you will get the idea . . .)

Instead, we got this ANNOYING ASS therapy session, courtesy of Grandma Stackhouse, in which we learned how SAD AND LONELY, POOR Witchipoo was; and how, now, she can be at peace with herself and her Ghost Friends, and blah, blah, blah . . .

Cry me a river, Toots! 

And then Marnie just got to WALK OFF INTO THE MOONLIGHT with her new see-through pals.  SERIOUSLY?

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You got that right, Witchipoo!  You deserved WAY WORSE!

Cue F*&kin Sookie crying AGAIN, about how lonely SHE is, and how grandma can’t leave her again.  And will someone please call the WAAAAAAH-MBULANCE, for this one!   So, Grandma Stackhouse tells her kin “Shut the f*&ck up . . . You’re friend just HAD A WITCH YANKED OUT OF HIS MOUTH, WHO KILLED HIS BOYFRIEND.  HAVE SOME FRIGGIN RESPECT!

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You know, because “we’re all alone in the end.” This is either the wisest, or most depressing piece of advice, I have ever heard.  I haven’t decided yet . . .

Then Eric and King Cockblock interrupt this lame touching moment to remind everybody that “Hey, we’re still here . . . naked .  . . and chargrilled . . . please HELP!”

Speaking of our Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo . . .

Slumber Party at King Cockblock’s House!

“You HAD to get me a robe that matched, yours?  You mean to tell me, you didn’t have ONE single robe in your closet that didn’t look exactly like the one you are wearing?  You’re a KING, for crying out loud!” 

OK, now I like a good threesome as much as the next girl.  But I’ll be the first to admit that I HATED this scene, which began with Eric and Cockblock sucking Sookie’s arms AT THE SAME TIME!  (I guess she felt that, by having one suck before the other, she’d be PLAYING FAVORITES!  Heaven forbid!)  I hated how these two supposedly strong vampires, were looking at this Whiny FAIRY all moony and dopey eyed, as she gave them each her trademark Losing Game Show Contestant Speech, for the 85th time, since this series has started.

Here’s how it went down (at least, in my head):

“Eric you are great at sex.  Bill you are great at . . . playing Wii.  You both did a fairly adequate job of being my boyfriend.  But, unfortunately, you are both out.  Thanks for playing, ‘Let’s Get into Sookie’s Pants.’  Better luck next time!”

The only mildly funny part, was when Bill offered Sookie to Eric, “out of the goodness of his heart,” clearly expecting Eric to do the same thing.  Instead, Eric grabs Sookie’s arm, drags her toward the door like an excited toddler, and says, more or less, “COOLl!   YIPPEE!  I WIN!”

But he didn’t win.  He lost.  Bill lost.  They all LOST . . . Then, Sookie cried . . . AGAIN . . .

I’ve decided that, next season, I’m going to play a drinking game, where I do a shot every time someone on this show cries.  (Two for F*&kin Sookie).  Coincidentally, I have a feeling I’m going to need to have my stomach pumped A LOT next summer. 

In completely unrelated news . . .

Andy Must REALLY Like Fairies . . .

Sorry for the TOTAL lack of transition.  I just had no where else to put this completely random scene.  You see, last week Andy had sex with a real fairy.  This week he propositioned a FAKE Fairy (Holly), to be his girlfriend.  You know, because he is lonely, and two days sober . . . and stuff.   (Now, if that’s not a TOTAL catch, I don’t know what is . . .)

 I’m just glad SOMEONE chose to f*&k a fairy that wasn’t F*&kin Sookie . . .

Anywhoo, on to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE scene of the evening . . .

“Hi, Nan and Gay Storm Troopers . . . Bye Nan, and Gay Storm Troopers.”

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Yeah, so, after Cockblock and Viking are rejected by Sookie, they go to Cockblock’s office to make out discuss business.  Then, Nan shows up with her, (as Eric calls them) Gay Storm Troopers.

(In case this hasn’t already been made TOTALLY clear, I LOVE ERIC!  He had ALL the best one liners of the finale.  Save the one about the Fairy Vagina . . . and well . . . the one that Cockblock is about to make, in a few minutes.)

Anywhoo . . . Nan has, apparently, been sent by the American Vampire League to KILL Eric and Cockblock for Conduct Unbecoming a Fanger. . .

 She gets to do this, even though she’s already been fired by the AVL for, you know, sucking at her job and stuff . . .   But Nan has plan that will allow Eric and Bill to live.

They can join her in her little Mutiny against the AVL.  (Hmmm . . . maybe SHE was the one who orchestrated Russell’s “release” from cement?)  Correction:  They MUST join in the mutiny, or Fairy Sookie is VERY, VERY DEAD.  “Come on, I see the way you both look at her like, puppy dogs,” says Nan.   (And you have to admit.  Girlfriend has a point.)

Unfortunately, for Nan, Eric and Cockblock don’t see it that way.  Eric takes off all THREE Gay Storm Troopers heads, so fast, you would think he was just opening three bottles of soda (which is kind of what it looks like).  And I just wish I had an animated GIF for it, because it was the MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

So, remember when I told you that Cockblock had a great one-liner in this episode?  (Well, aside from his “Eric as brain-damaged” line, which, admittedly, was pretty funny too.)  Here it is . . .

And you know when he said it?  Right after he did THIS, that’s when . . .

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I bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?  Oh wait. . . you did?  Never mind then . . .

Let us not forget ERIC’S additional awesome one-liner to finish the scene.  (It almost makes me forget how goofy he looked wearing Bill’s robe and mooning over Sookie . . . almost.)

Source

Speaking of b*tches . . .

Say Goodbye to . . . well, EVERYONE!

Poor Lala certainly isn’t one of them.  (But don’t worry, I’ll get to them later.)  He’s in Sookie’s bed, inconsolate over the loss of Jesus.  But since it’s Halloween Jesus is able to pop in, and give him a sweet goodbye, reminding Lala that it’s not his fault that he’s dead.    Well, actually, if only Lala knew how to keep his mouth shut, literally, Jesus might still be alive.  But hey, let’s not be picky, all right?  The boy is hurting here.

Ever the pragmatist, Jesus tells Lala that he’s actually HAPPY that his life ended the way that it did.  Because now he never has to end up old and hanging out with F*&kin Sookie on that damn porch!, dying of cancer, and suffering from bed sores.  At first, I thought Jesus was just being nice to Lala, by saying all this.   I mean NO ONE wants to die in their late twenties, from a psychopath’s stab wound, all because of a stupid ugly helmet, right?

Then I remembered that Jesus was a hospital orderly at an old age home / mental institution.   He watched people rust out and fade away for a living.  So, the notion of getting old must have scared the beejeezus out of Jesus.  And in that sense, maybe he really DOESN’T mind dying young . . .  I hope not, for his sake, at least.

And yes, I’ll admit that even MY cold, cold heart was touched when Jesus told Lafayette that, because he is a medium, and Jesus is a ghost, in some sense, they will always be together . . .

All together now . . . AWWWW! 

OK.  Well, now that you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy in side, I’m going to go ahead and DESTROY that feeling.  You know why?  Because, after all that F*&KIN Sookie has been through in her life, she STILL DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO LOCK HER DOOR.  And that’s why THIS happens . . .

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Did you catch all that?  Here’s what happened, Trailer Trash Debbie WALKED RIGHT INTO SOOKIE’S KITCHEN, AND SHOT AT HER.  Then,  Tara rushed in front of the bullet, Secret Service Style, and kind of lost her head (Too Soon?).  Then Sookie straddles Debbie, yanks the gun from her, and SHOOTS HER POINT BLANK IN THE FACE!

So, to recap my recap . . . Jesus is dead . . . definitely .  . . as are the Gay Storm Troopers, Nan, Trailer Trash Debbie and Witchipoo . . . along with Rene and all those lame ghosts in the cemetery who wouldn’t do the Thriller Dance for me.  Russell Edgington is now UNDEAD, and so is Steve Newlin  . . . MAYBE.

Tara may also be dead . . . or . . . undead, depending on who hears Sookie’s Sounds-Like-A-Drowning-Cat screams for help (Heaven forbid she call 911, like a NORMAL person): Lala the Ghost Sucker, who sometimes sucks up Witch Doctors, Sookie’s vampire non-boyfriends, or . . . NOBODY.

Sorry, Tarapoo!  Maybe next time if there is a next time you will learn not to talk to Sookie about visiting her on the porch when you get old .  . .

And that was the Season 4 True Blood Finale, in a nutshell.  So . . . let’s talk about it.  Did you think it was Fangtastic?  Or did it SUCK?  Sound off in the comment section below.

Oh, and since I suspect I won’t be seeing some of you for awhile unless you watch The Vampire Diaries.  You really should watch The Vampire Diaries.  Please watch The Vampire Diaries, or I will have to bite you! I wanted to thank all of my fabulously fun, and brilliant readers and commenters for making this one heck of an awesome Summer TV Viewing Season.  I couldn’t have done this without you!

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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What Lies Beneath – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 3 Finale “Evil is Going On”

Tonight’s Season Finale dealt mainly with the types of things that are hidden beneath the surface.  They can be “hidden” in the literal sense,

Oh hi, Russell!  I didn’t see you there!

 . . . the geographic sense,

Welcome to Hicksville, U.S.A.

 . . . or the internal sense.

Inner Fairy

Inner Dick

However, perhaps, the most pernicious things hidden beneath the surface are secrets.  And it was those secrets that truly drove tonight’s episode.

Another F&cked Up Fairytale . . .

“Beam me up, Fairy!”

The episode opens with yet another one of those trippy fairy dream sequences that have become so prevalent, during the latter half of this season.  Sookie is frolicking in the forest, when she comes across what appears to be a giant chandelier, descending from the sky.

Don’t buy it, Sookie!  The monthly electric bill alone would kill you.

Sookie looks in awe at the beautiful alien chandelier for a few moments, before closing her eyes.  Then, unfortunately, the beautiful image is replaced by a much less attractive one . . .

No, this picture is not inverted.  That is actually how Bill’s head looked in the screencap.

Sookie is not at all happy to be woken up from Fairly Land, and she lets Bill know it.  “You f*ckin betrayed me again,” she growls at Bill.  (Damn straight, Sista!)

“I wuz jes trah-ing to pro-tect yuuu, AGIN!”  Bill replies.

They spar a bit longer.   However, when Sookie learns from Pam that the future love of her life (Eric) is outside getting one hell of a sun tan, she leaves Bill’s mopey butt, and dashes out of Fangtasia, to save her man.

What’s with Sookie doing so much running in this episode?  Can’t fairies fly?

They have wings, don’t they?

Sookie finds Eric, whose massive sunburn makes him look a bit like a teenager with a really bad case of acne.  In fact, it was probably the first time in Alexander Skarsgard’s life that he didn’t look the least bit sexy.

Don’t worry, Eric!  A few dabs of Proactive will clear that right up!

While Sookie pouts, and tries to figure out how to move the six plus feet of pure sex that is Eric’s bod, Russell taunts her mercilessly about not using her Fairy Glow Fingers to save him.  Though not AT ALL in a position to threaten, Ballsy Russell tells Sookie that he will kill everyone she loves, if she doesn’t use her magic.

I use this picture of Russell, because it’s the only I could find to show him burning.  But this screencap MASSIVELY overestimates his appearance.  Here is a more accurate represenation . . .

While all this is going on a delirious Eric is talking to the apparation of his daddy . . .

. . . who has taken time out of his busy Angeling Schedule to lecture Eric about being good, kind, and forgiving, and blah, blah, blah . . . I almost fell asleep typing that.

Papa Killjoy

Finally, Sookie figures out how to be a fairy!

She uses her Glow Fingers to toss Russell against a fence, and break the silver chains encircling Eric.  She then drags him inside.  As Eric is in desperate need of blood, Sookie has Bill bite her arm to release some.  She  instructs Bill to keep watch on Eric to make sure he doesn’t accidentally drain the life out of her, like Bill did a few episodes ago.  Ever, the gentleman, Eric maintains his control, taking just enough blood from Sookie’s arm to clear up the acne on his face.  The feeding scene is sweet, and VERY sexy.  MOMMY LIKE!

Yes, boys and girls, arm sucking is the Gateway to Sex!

Once Eric is back to his gorgeous self . . .

 . . . he informs the group that he has to go save Russell, because Ghost Dad told him to do so.  Pam, is not cool with that AT ALL.  “He killed your family.  Rip off his f*cking head,” she says. 

I love Pam.

The only LIVING being in the bunch, Sookie, reluctantly runs outside AGAIN, to grab Russell . . .

 . . . and bring him back inside Fangtasia.

But, alas, just when the party is really getting started, the vampires realizes that they must “go to ground.”  Eric asks Sookie to watch Russell, since she is the only human-ish person he can’t glamour.  Sookie does not care for this idea one bit.  “I’m not babysitting this f*cker, while you all take a nap!”  She whines.  (Have you ever noticed that they say f*ck a lot on this show?)

Bill offers to stay with her while she watches the Russell Steak thaw, but she denies his ass.

Adventures in Babysitting

In a fun, but slightly disturbing scene, Russell attempts to bargain with Sookie for his release, while she boredly reads the latest issue of US Weekly.  Interestingly enough, she requests: $7 million, Russell’s home in Mississippi, and  . . . the DEATHS of Bill and Eric.

But then she changes the subject, turning her attention to Russell’s prized container of Talbot Soup. . .

I taste delicious when sprinkled with some oyster crackers.

Sookie inquires why Russell has been carrying Talbot Soup around so long.  He admits that he hopes that Sookie’s fairy blood will help to restore Talbot from the viscous liquid he is now, to the adorable, fashion advice-giving stallion he was a few episodes back.  So, Sookie, laughing maniacally the whole time, POURS TALBOT DOWN THE SINK!

“Ick!  When’s the last time Eric had his pipes cleaned?  This place is rank!”

And that was when any hope I had of an Eric / Talbot Revenge Sex Reunion literally went right down the drain . . .

Sam’s Grand Redemption Tour

If you recall, during the last episode, a drunk and belligerent Sam made a buttload of enemies, by more or less insulting all of Bon Temps.  Then he screwed Tara . . .

Apparently, there is nothing like a good roll in the hay with someone just as f*cked up as you are, to help you see the world in a new light.  The following morning, Sam is all happy, perky, and well-adjusted.  He’s making his hot cakes, with bacon grease.  Because, “it’s all about the bacon grease.”

See, personally, I think hot cakes are all about the syrup . . . but that’s just me.

In fact, Sam is in such a good mood, he decides to give Tara a pep talk about starting a new life, and banishing the demons of her past.  (Because those who CAN do, and those who CAN’T teach . . .)  Sam also confesses to Tara that he is a shapeshifter, to which she responds “Shut the f*ck up!”

Coincidentally, “Shut the F*ck Up” just so happens to also be the title of Tara’s upcoming autobiography . . .

Once Sam is done rocking Tara’s world, he heads over to Terry’s house to apologize for calling him a headcase and firing him the night before.  When Sam finds Terry crying on the porch, he immediately thinks  its because of his own drunken rampage.

“You’re so vain.  You probably think this tantrum’s about you . . .”

As it turns out, Terry is crying tears of JOY!

Oddly enough, Terry seems to be the ONLY person living in Bon Temps who is GENUINELY HAPPY!  (Weird, I know.)  He shares with Sam his good news about his Devil Baby still being alive, and his future stepkids being OK.  But what pleased ME most was Terry’s positive report on Felix the Armadillo, who I have been worried about terribly, since he was mentioned once during Season 1 and then never again . . .

It lives!  Hooray!

Sam goes to visit Tommy next . . .

. . . but the little Doggie Dude is missing, and seems to have ransacked his living quarters.  At Merlotte’s, Sam learns that Tommy has also emptied out the ENTIRE safe of all cash.  So, Sam hunts down Tommy in the forest with his trusty gun.

 Talk about handling things the WRONG way!  It was so very obvious that Tommy took the money, because he had no other way of supporting himself, but dog fighting.  The kid can’t even READ for crying out loud!  All Sam had to do to get his money back, was rehire Tommy, and ask him to come back home.  But he didn’t.  He just threatened him . . . with a GUN!

So, when Tommy told Sam that the latter didn’t have the guts to shoot him, and walked away cash in hand, Sam called his bluff  . . . and shot him. 

Now, I know we are supposed to believe Sam KILLED his own brother over a bit of petty cash and some lame insults.  However, the scene didn’t fool me for a second.  I’m thinking Sam shot Tommy in the foot to incapacitate him.  This way, he could get back his money, and bring Tommy back home.  But, I’ve been wrong before . . .  (By the way, if both Sam and Tommy wanted to out run eachother, why didn’t each just shapeshift into a fast animal?)

Fang-intervention

“Is this thing on?”

Speaking of guns, up until this episode, Self-Righteous Witch Maxine Fortenberry was just about the last person I would have expected to purchase one.  That is, until the end of the episode, when she DID.  If you recall, last week, Maxine and Summer banded together to “save” Hoyt from the clutches of Vampire Jessica. 

Because Hoyt and Vampire Jessica are currently the cutest vampire / human couple on the PLANET . . .

 (remember, Sookie and Eric aren’t technically together . . . yet), we hope Maxine’s PLAN fails miserably.  So, far ait has.  Maxine’s Big Idea was to stage an “intervention” at Hoyt’s job . . .

Most Pathetic Attendance at an Intervention EVER!

Heading up the intervention is Hoyt’s high school guidance counselor, who has NO experience in psychological counseling whatsoever.  Hoyt, who, by the way, is looking INCREDIBLY sexy and buff, this episode . . .

 (maybe it all that vampire blood he ingested) . . . told the Intervention Crew in no uncertain terms that he loved Vampire Jessica, and anyone who didn’t approve of that, might as well get out of his life.  Mama Maxine tried to win him over with threats of disownment.  However, seeing as Hoyt is now financially independent, and has his own place, there was nothing Maxine could say to change his mind.  The fact that Maxine is such an odios poopyhead, certainly didn’t help matters .  . .Hoyt then gallantly told Summer that he wished her the best, and hope she met the perfect guy one day (a male porcelain doll, perhaps?), before stalking off. 

Later, in a very sweet scene, Hoyt surprises Jessica, by inviting her to live in a brand new apartment that he rented just for the two of them . . .

When Jess comments that she can’t live without him, Hoyt replies that she’ll never have to.  (Ummmm, yeah, except she’s IMMORTAL and your NOT, so . . .)  Logistics of vampire / human relationships aside, the way that statement was made, while the camera lingered on a strange item on Hoyt’s new living room floor, and the way the scene immediately shifted to Maxine and her “target practice” made me worry about Hoyt’s fate in a way that I haven’t before . . . particularly, since, another fairly major character from the books, unceremoniously bit the dust this week.

“My name is Jason”

Jason Stackhouse: Guardian and Protector of all things trailer trashy

After seeing the DEA piling into to squad cars, right outside the police precinct . . .

 . . . and speaking with Andy, who inadvertently revealed that there would be a raid on the trailers at Hotshot that day, Jason jumps into action.

He and Crystal head to Hotshot, to warn the all the inbreds to hide their meth and V stashes . . .

. . . though initially skeptical, the “Hotshots” eventually agree to hide their stash.  But then, a hopped-up-on-V, Crazy Felton leaps into the scene, inexplicably shooting Calvin Norris dead.  He then threatens to kill everyone, if Crystal doesn’t go with him, and leave town with the massive V stash.  Jason pulls out the classic, “You’ll have to kill me first,” line, but Crystal has other plans . . . 

I’ve gotta say, sex with Crystal must be FABULOUS.  

How else could she possibly get Jason to agree to become King of the Trailer Park?  Because that pretty much looks like the WORST JOB EVER.    Nevertheless, the position does have ONE job perk that Jason might enjoy.  This will probably be the only workplace on the planet where Jason Stackhouse is the SMARTEST GUY IN THE ROOM  . . .

In Other News . . .

Before I get back to Sookie, and the Main Event, lets get some of the less important (and less interesting) storylines out of the way, shall we. 

“Just keep smoking up, Tara.  Because if ANYONE needs to loosen up, it’s YOU!”

You know your character is going through a storyline dryspell, when it’s the SEASON FINALE of a show, and the most exciting thing you do during the ENTIRE HOUR is give yourself a bad haircut, one that makes you look a bit like Vanessa Huxtable from The Cosby Show.

 . . . which would be fine, if it were still 1988.

(Based on some of the message board comments, I know some of you out there really liked the new ‘do.  But it just really didn’t work for me.  Sorry!)

After not-so-subtly saying what sound like final goodbyes to Sookie and her mother (What?  NO Lafayette?), we last see Tara driving off into the sunset.  Hopefully, she’s just going to the beauty salon to FIX THAT HAIR, and isn’t gone for good . . .

Speaking of Lafayette .  . .

. . . he’s still tripping on the aftershocks of that V he took with Jesus.  And now, it’s making him see auras (?), secrets(?), hallucinations(?) — it’s hard to tell exactly what.  All I know is his visions involved Sam with blood on his hands, and an evil murderous Rene strangling, Arlene and warning Lafayette that he is INSIDE of her.  The fact that both visions are ostensibly TRUE (Sam shot his ex and her boyfriend, and, possibly Tommy.  And Arlene DOES seem to have a Devil Baby.), just makes this whole storyline even stranger.

Fearing he is going schizo like his mother, a very freaked out Lafayette seeks help from Jesus . . .

 . . . but THIS GUY comes instead . . .

The OTHER Jesus explains that Lafayette’s visions will calm down once Lafayette learns how to use MAGIC to control them.  Yes, apparently, Jesus is a WITCH . . . .

 . . . meaning, maybe, Lafayette is one too.  Geez, is ANYONE just plain human on this show, anymore?

Sookie de-friends ALL vampires on Facebook / joins Fairy Group.

“It’s complicated.”

Back at Fangtasia, Sookie is babysitting Russell still, when Alcide ARRIVES!

 . .. and he is looking so INSANELY GORGEOUS that Ginger can’t help but scream like a fangirl at the sight of him.

 .  . . OK .  . . that wasn’t why she screamed.  But that would have made a lot more sense. 

Alcide wasn’t even in werewolf form.  What the heck is so frightening about a modelesque hunk with perfect abs?  Seriously, Ginger.  Overreact much?  Did you forget you are working in the same room with someone who LITERALLY looks like this?

Anyway, apparently, Eric invited Alcide over to watch Sookie.  (This also didn’t make any sense, seeing as Eric himself appeared, just moments later.)  But, hey, no complaints here!  Alcide and Sookie flirt a bit, which is always fun to watch.  “You in trouble again?”  He asks wryly.

“When am I not in trouble,” she replies smirking.

Alcide REALLY turns on the charm.   And Sookie, who, at this point, is pretty much pissed at every other man on the show, is not immune.  “Why do you have to be such a good guy, right now?”  She asks.

“I am always a good guy,” replies Alcide matter-of-factly.

“I may be a GOOD GUY, but I can still do BAD THINGS with YOU, Miss Stackhouse!”

Unfortunately, Sookie’s and Alcide’s brief hot moment is interrupted by the return of the vamps, who have come to take Russell to his “final death.”

Still pissed, Sookie makes a point to rescind all preexisting vampire invites to her home.  This causes a smug smile to erupt on Alcide’s face, and causes Bill to glare at his would-be werewolf replacement.  “When you two are finished eye-f*cking eachother, can we go?”  Eric inquires impatiently.

(Honestly, I’d take a good eye f*ck from Alcide, any day!)

Wouldn’t you?

Outside Fangtasia, Alcide announces that his father’s debt to Eric has officially been paid off, and his time being Vampire B*tch is DONE.   Boy do we hope he’s lying, because we LOVE our, Alcide! 

“Oh, he’ll be back.  Even the toughest of werewolves can’t resist the charms of a fairy . . .”

Bill and Eric drop Russell into a cement pit.  Russell threatens that, when he gets out in 100 years (a “nap” for a vamp), he will wreak even more havoc on all of them.  Bill and Eric don’t really seem to care.

Eric is about ready to flip the switch, when Godric arrives AGAIN to bore us with his annoying pleas for peace and love.   Did you ever see those cartoons, where the angel sits on one of the main character’s shoulders, and the devil sits on the other?   But the angel is always so self-righteous and lame, that if you didn’t want to see the character sin before, you REALLY want him to sin, after the exchange is over? 

 Oh yeah, that’s Godric, in this episode . . .

Dear sweet, Godric.  You were so much more fun, when you tragically sacrificed yourself to the Sun, causing Sookie and Eric to almost have sex, as a result . . .

Ever the petulant teen, Eric disregards his “father’s good advice” and he and Bill flip the switch, covering Russell in cement.  (Wouldn’t it have been easier just to bake him in the sun, when the episode started?)  Then Bill surprises Eric, by offering him a hand to shake.  However, when Eric takes that hand, Bill tosses him into the cement, and flips the switch AGAIN!

Not cool, Vampire Bill!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the so-called “kinder, gentler” vamp, steals Eric’s cell phone, and orders a hit on Pam, impersonating Eric to do it.  Next, Bill visits Sookie, explaining to her that he has killed Eric. Furthermore, he will kill ANY vampire who has tasted her blood, or just knows that she is a fairy (like Pam), because none of these vamps will ever be able to resist her once they know.  (Ummm, Bill?  Doesn’t that definition include YOU?)

(Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a Lifetime Movie, and the crazy stalker boyfriend who’s just been dumped has uttered the oh-so-cliched “If I can’t have her, no one can!” line.)

But Sookie, ever the glutton for punishment, is obviously turned on by stalker / murderer types.  Because she rushes right back into his arms.  And then Eric magically appears . . .

 . . . looking hotter than ever, with strategically placed bits of cement on his face and in his hair. 

Question:  If both Eric and Pam (as we find out later in the episode) could break through cement in a relatively short amount of time, aren’t we to assume Russell can too?

Eric has come to get back his phone, and to tell Sookie the truth about Bill.  Apparently, not only did he EXPLICITLY court Sookie, solely at the behest of Sophie Anne, who wished to procure a fairy for her collection.  He also orchestrated the whole vampire blood drainer attack from the pilot episode, to get her to feed him her blood, thus forging the initial connection between them.

WOW!  I really didn’t think Alan Ball had it in him, given his insane and irrational love for Vampire Bill.  And yet, Ball has managed to make the Bill character EVEN MORE DEVIOUS than he was in the books!  Color me impressed!

And I have to say, my heart really went out to Sookie, who was genuinely shocked and heartbroken by this admission.  Our Favorite Fairy promptly rescinded her home invitation to both Bill and Eric once again.  She then told Bill, in no uncertain terms, that she never wants to see him again.  “Go back to Hell where you came from you f*cking undead piece of sh*t!”  She yells tearfully. 

To his credit, Eric does not appear the least bit pleased with his moral victory over the Man Who Tried to Kill Him.  And it is Eric’s genuine guilt over hurting Sookie that makes me KNOW that those two have a genuine shot together.  “It pains me to see you suffer like this.  I thought you had a right to know,” the Viking Vamp says solemnly, before quietly leaving Sookie’s property. 

The episode ends with Vampire Bill, dumped, demoralized, and with nothing to lose, challenging Sophie Anne . . .

 to a . . . flying contest?

Something tells me Vigilante Bill is going to be WAY more fun to watch than Mopey Boyfriend Bill.  Just saying . . .

Oh, and then Sookie communes with the fairies, in the cemetery, while visiting her Granny’s grave . . .

 . . . she then disappears inside the Giant Chandelier . . .

So, that was it . . . That’s all the True Blood we’re going to get, until next summer.  I for one was expecting a more action packed finale, with a few more questions answered. Honestly, this didn’t really feel like “season ending” episode to me.

 And yet, there were parts of this episode I really liked  — most notably, the return of Alcide, and the final confrontation between Sookie, Bill and Eric, which, for me, had been a LONG time coming.  Not to mention that if Season 4 of True Blood is ANYTHING like Book 4 of the series on which the show is based, then we have A LOT of fun coming our way . . . 😉

Well, that’s all I have to say about “Evil is Going On.”  Now, it’s your turn Fangbangers.  What did you think of the episode?  Were you as underwhelmed as I was?  Or was there some brilliance to it all that I missed?  Perhaps, more importantly, what do you think will happen to our favorite Bon Temps residents, next year?  And how are you planning to pass the time, until then?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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