“I’m Mini Bass.”
My dear GGers. I know I’ve been a bit remiss this season about recapping the trials and tribulations of our favorite Upper East Siders. (OK . . . I haven’t recapped them at all.)
However, seeing as Gossip Girl uttered her final XOXO earlier this week, I felt I couldn’t possibly bid the series a fond adieu, without at least offering up some final words . . . consider it a eulogy, of sorts.
In which Bart Bass proves that Evil Old Men can fly . . . and die.
Here’s a philosophical question for you. If a man falls from the roof of a heavily populated skyscraper, onto a busy street, and no one sees him go splat (or is squashed by him), did it really happen?
Last week, we all laughed inappropriately at the sight of Chuck Bass battling his Big Bad Dad on the roof, as “SCARY” Music swelled awkwardly in the background. We marveled at how a single push from Chuck, who, let’s face it, has never exactly been the athletic type . . .
. . . was enough to send NotDonaldTrump soaring over the side of the skyscraper, like an inept super villain in the final pages of a comic book.
“Just hanging out . . .”
Then, we giggled as Blair and Chuck did all but throw the man a Going Away Party as the Big Bass-tard plummeted to his death.
Hey, that was actually kind of fun to watch. Let’s see that again . . .
I know. I’m a terrible person. Moving on . . .
Perhaps, all the hot air that filled Bart Bass’s head facilitated a surprisingly smooth landing. Because, not only did the real estate magnate’s dive-bombing body not cause ANY damage whatsoever to the streets below, the sheet that is now covering it is conspicuously free of blood. Talk about a classy way to go! Then again, Bart Bass is what some would call an Expert Die-r. He’s done this before . . .
Reporters are now on the scene. And police are questioning everyone on the Upper East Side, even going as far as to stop limos leaving the party where Bart Bass was last seen. Of course, they are only checking the back seats of those limos . . . not the trunks. After all, why would someone who just committed murder hide away in the trunk of a car? That would be silly!
Possible conception spot for Henry Bass?
Yes, boys and girls, Chuck and Blair are ON THE LAM! (I’ve always wanted to say that.)
They’ve turned themselves into a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde. You know how I know? Because the song playing in the background on Gossip Girl says so!
In which everyone finds out Bart Bass is dead, and Chuck is a suspect, except . . . you know . . . THE GUY WHO OWNS THE NEWSPAPER!
Oh dear sweet Nate, with your permanently glassy (but still very pretty) blue eyes from a decade of pot smoking ./ . . and your equal opportunity boning of tweens and cougars alike . . . you must seriously be the WORST NEWSPAPER MAN EVER! OK . . . OK, I know you are dating a 17-year old. And she probably told you that using pretty-colored handwritten index cards to study once helped her earn a B+ on a very hard exam about the Civil War. But seriously? This is how you choose to solve the mystery of Gossip Girl’s identity? No wonder it took you five years!
Also, hey I
majored in journalism write a blog watched Newsroom a few times on HBO! I know that all major news outlets get blasts on the wire, before everybody else. Not Nate though. He has to get a call from Ivy/Charlie/CallMeSerena telling him to turn on the television, where Bart’s death has made prime time. Nate Archibald, you’ve just been scooped . . . again.
I like how uniformly uncooperative the rest of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, and their respective parental units, are when the police come snooping around for C and B, especially since it seems like most of them are 100% certain their friends / children are guilty of murder. Now that’s what I call true friendship. If I had to choose a favorite brush-off of the po-po, however, I’d probably have to go with Nate. I mean, it takes a real true blue friend to tell a cop. “Yes, there’s a rather young looking woman in my bedroom. And yes, it’s quite obvious I’m sleeping with her, which I know is statutory rape. But no, she can’t talk to you about Chuck Bass, Mr Policeman, because she is much too young.
“Do you think we can hurry this up? Spongebob Squarepants is on in three minutes.”
Speaking of super sneaky legal loopholes . . .
“It’s twisted, but very you . . .”
Chuck and Blair are holed up in a hotel . . . ON THE LAM (Twice in one recap, WOO HOO!). And who should pop in with a tray he stole from room service (probably after schtupping the maid), but a surprisingly twiggy looking Jack Bass? (Oh, seeing these three individuals in a hotel room together, brings back bad memories. No me gusta.)
Turns out, the dude put a tracking device on Chuck Bass’ limo, just for sh*ts and giggles. You know, because that’s not creepy at all . . .
Anywhoo, since Blair is the only person on the entire planet who saw Chuck, not so much kill Bart, as huff and puff and blow his body off the building, Jack comes up with the idea that the two should get married!
This will enable the pair to take advantage of the spousal privilege laws that prevent husbands and wives from testifying against one another in court.
It will also serve as a massive apology to Chair fans, who have suffered through Blair’s ill-fated pseudo-romantic relationships with the likes of a Louis-bot and a certain doughy pastry, who shall remain not-so-nameless.
“It’s twisted, but it’s very you,” Jack Bass muses.
(It’s also the Graysons on Revenge. Spousal privilege marriages are SO the new Greencard Marriages.)
Chuck is bothered by this. He wants the love of his life to have the wedding of her dreams. Blair reminds him that she did that already, back last season when she married the cyborg with the weird accent, thus proving that dreams are usually VERY overrated.
She also reminds Chuck of this memorable moment between them . . .
Upon being reminded that he and Blair aren’t a boring couple . . . like say Louis-bot and Blair . . . or Blair and You Know Who, Chuck decides to propose again. And why not? He
knows this is the only realistic way to get him and Blair married off and spawning during this abridged final hour of television, amidst about 30 minutes of those cloying Carrie Diaries commercials loves this woman, and wants to spent the rest of his life with her. The ends therefore, definitely justify the shady means . . .
Meanwhile, on some private jet . . .
In which Serena forgives Donut way too quickly, despite never actually receiving an apology (or a retraction)
Call me callous. But if someone published really crappy things about me in Vanity Fair for the world to read. And then he sent me some nice words about me that he never planned to publish, I would probably use the paper containing those “nice words” as toilet paper, the next time I really had to pee.
But I guess Serena is a better person than me . . . or at least a dumber one. Because all it takes is a few kind paper words from Donut Dan. And, suddenly, girlfriend has abandoned her private jet to LaLa land (must be nice), and returned to the “villain’s” apartment for “answers,” and, I suspect, a hopeful shot at makeup sex.
“I also have very little self respect. Shhh!”
Now, maybe it’s just because I’m not a big Dan Fan. But, honestly, I didn’t find the guy’s apology all that “apologetic.” Basically, Dan’s explanation for why he wrote terrible things about Serena was because he developed a crush on her sophomore year, to the tunes of Rihanna’s Pon de Replay, and has been stalking her ass ever since? That sounds more like a confession of guilt to me. But hey, at least it gave us the opportunity to see Flashback!Chuck and Flashback!Nate in HIDEOUS wigs, and hear Flashback!Blair utter the words “Happy Barf Day!”
Elsewhere in Manhattan . . .
Ivy Dickens, Queen of the Swamp People, star of “Nobody Gives a Damn”
Question: If a woman who is always boning younger guys is called a cougar, what do you call a young woman with a penchant for humping fogies? Cougarthritis?
Maybe you just call her Charlie/Ivy/CallmeSerena . . .
Yeah, poor St. Ives . . . She thought the death of Bart Bass meant a beginning of public bliss for her and the perpetually sniveling Dr. VDW. But, in a classic case of Turnabout is Fair Poison Ivy, the good doctor — who once tried to poison his ex wife, in order to get her to love him again — was only using Ivy to get to Lily, just as Ivy was using Rufus for the exact same reason . . . well sort of . . .
Be careful, VDW. This chick has bunny burner written all over her . . .
So you could imagine how mortified / miserable Ivy became when Dr. VDW denied their relationship ever existed, in front of none other than Miss Lily herself. “You’re a Lifetime movie called ‘Nobody Gives a Damn,’ the Ivy Dickens story. Actually, I think I saw that one before. Didn’t Tori Spelling star in it?
Just as hilarious is Dr. VDW’s assessment that Ivy’s Florida roots made her “Queen of the Swamp People.” There is always a certain type of New Yorker, who believes that any residence outside of the five boroughs is basically Hillbilly town. VDW is definitely one of those dudes. He’s a total douche, but at least he’s damn funny. Maybe they should have made him Gossip Girl . . .
The Quick and The Wed
I don’t know about you. But if I had a bunch of cops out looking for me, and I didn’t want to be found, the absolute last place I’d go would be the local courthouse. But that’s where Chuck and Blair go to get their quickie marriage license. (Now, come on. I know it’s not Vegas. But there’s gotta be at least one of those crazy drive-thru chapel’s in Manhattan. Just saying . . .)
Once their marriage is legal, Chuck and Blair decide to make it official, inviting all of their friends for an impromptu wedding over at . . . of all places THE MET! How fitting! Chuck even gives Blair an Egyptian Snake ring to seal the deal. It’s no Harry Winston. That’s for sure. But in a way, like the circumstances surrounding their marriage, it’s . . . wait for it . . . “twisted, but totally them.”
At the wedding Dan magically gives Worst Newsman Ever Nate a Vanity Fair piece on Gossip Girl, and Nate acts like he’s just received inside information on the taking down of Osama Bin Laden. (Knowing Nate, he probably isn’t even aware that’s happened yet.) He gets his high school girlfriend to publish the scoop on his behalf (because, you know, Nate’s “staff” only consists of people he porks), and turns his attention back to the wedding.
When the Newsie overhears Mini Blair and Mini Serena (remember those two?) on the steps of the Met complaining that Gossip Girl never published their scoop on Chuck and Blair’s quickie wedding, Nate FINALLY puts two and two together, and figures out that . . . DAN . . . IS . . . GOSSIP GIRL!
But then the girls end up reporting C&B to the police. (INGRATES!) And now it’s race against the clock to get them “kiss the briding” in time. Chuck dips Blair into a triumphant kiss, uttering his trademark, “three words, eight letters” line just moments before the cops take him and his new bride away. Part of me kind of wishes that, when the cops came for “Blair Waldorf,” she would have announced “I’m Blair Bass,” in true “Mrs. Chuck” style.
But she didn’t. I guess Blair isn’t really the type to take a man’s last name, even if it’s Chuck Bass’. Oh well . . .
It’s Donut Dan’s Coming Out Party, and YOU’RE Invited
Hilarity ensues, when Nate’s cheeseball newspaper outs Dan Humphrey as Gossip Girl, and we get to watch all the show’s past guest stars react. “I always thought it was Dorota,” exclaims Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
(Sure, blame the maid. Typical New York politician . . .)
“That B*TCH!” Announces Agnes, that chick who once burned Little Jenny Humphrey’s fashion designs in an outdoor trashcan . . .
Juliet and Vanessa are also shocked, but not quite as shocked as Rachel Bilson and the voice of GG herself, Kristen Bell, who in a highly meta scene, play themselves auditioning for the film version of Dan’s book, Inside. “Gossip Girl is real?” Bilson exclaims, as Kristen Bell offers an exaggerated wink at the camera.
Oh Veronica Mars! I haven’t had this much fun watching you on my screen, since that one time when you killed Sookie Stackhouse . . .
. . . or that other time when you got really, REALLY excited about a sloth . . .
Plothole, Schmathole. It’s the FINALE!
OK. Now despite having never been a Dan Fan, there are some things I really like about his character ending up being Gossip Girl. For one thing, unlike that goopy love letter he wrote to Serena that somehow ended up in the New Yorker, during Season 1, or that crap Dair fanfiction we know better as Dan’s first “novel” Inside, the fact that Dan, even at the young age of 16, was able to so seamlessly mimic the voice of a snooty Upper East Side female actually makes him a GOOD writer. This show has always been telling us, ad nauseum, that Dan had talent, but this is the first and only time I actually believe it.
And yeah, that “talent” also makes him a sociopath . . . one that most likely has multiple personality disorder.
It’s the only possible explanation for his sending blasts to Gossip Girl, and acting visibly surprised when they hit his own e-mail, despite being alone at the time he received them. Or how about that time when Gossip Girl outed Dan for porking a teacher? Or the time when Dan porked the Hillary Duff character, and Gossip Girl knew she was an actress back when she first appeared, but it took “Dan” weeks to figure it out . . . Let’s not forget that the whole time Dan dated Blair, Gossip Girl thought she was a better match for Chuck . . .
It’s actually pretty clear that the writers hadn’t decided on the identity of Gossip Girl, until at least early Season 5, despite their protests to the contrary.
But hey, now we just have another reason to re-rent those DVD’s and prove them wrong right? From a marketing perspective, choosing Dan as Gossip Girl was actually pretty genius . . .
Oh, and I did like the idea that Little J knew that Dan was Gossip Girl, and used it to her own advantage, like when she wanted to challenge Blair as Queen B, and when she wanted to leave town, after her unfortunate virginity slicing rendezvous with Chuck . . .
In short, those Humpty Dumpty’s really were the ultimate scheming social climbers . . . something we’ve really always secretly suspected, back in Season 1.
But what I don’t understand is why everyone but Blair was totally cool with it, especially considering how many times Gossip Girl ruined each of their lives, while Donut Dan sat idly by and feigned moral anguish?
I guess considering the guy has already lambasted the entire Upper East Side crew, first in a national bestseller, and then in Vanity Fair, nothing would surprise them about this douche.
And yet, when Dan triumphantly announced that Gossip Girl is dead, part of me wishes the entire cast pulled out their carving knives and killed him. Now THAT would have been a cool ending . . .
A Derena Wedding and the Most Adorable Mini Bass EVER
Flash forward five years into the future. Chuck and Blair are happily married with the best-cast child star EVER as their kid “Henry Bass.” (a clever nod to Chuck’s days living in Europe under the pseudonym “Henry Prince”).
But where was Monkey?
“I’ve been replaced by a child star. GRRR!”
Blair has taken over Waldorf designs, with none other than Jenny Humphrey herself, as her prime fashion designer . . .
(She’s come a long way since her days as a rabid raccoon . . .)
(Though, honestly, these two’s fashion senses couldn’t be more disparate, so I’m not really sure how that works.)
Lily is married to Dr. VDW again. And Rufus is married to . . . wait for it . . . Lisa LOEB. Remember her?
All those years, and girlfriend never bought a new pair of glasses . . .
Jack Bass hooked up with Georgina Sparks, which kind of works, considering they are pretty much both the same person.
(Though I do wonder what happened to Baby Milo and that “Nice Guy” she used to call her husband.)
Nate is single, but running for MAYOR?!
(And you said Gossip Girl wasn’t funny!)
Eric VDW is back from the set of Revenge, and spouting some facial hair. But he’s single too.
And how could we forget Charlie/Ivy/CallMeSerena Dickens?
Oh, and it took five years, but Serena finally married Gossip Girl. Ahhh . . . a gay wedding, in more ways than one . . .
Even Donuts deserve love . . .
In the episode’s final moments, Kristen Bell reprises her role as the voice of Gossip Girl one more time, only this time around she’s the voice of a NEW GENERATION of Upper East Siders. And so what was once old has theoretically become new again.
All in all it was a flawed but fitting end to a series with which us fans, I suspect, all have a pretty complicated relationship . . . much like the relationship it’s main characters have with one another. We loved it. . .
We hated it . . .
We were aroused . . .
We were nauseated . . .
We wanted more . . .
We wanted it to end . . .
But through all the ups and downs, Gossip Girl will remain an important part of my TV viewing history . . . one that I suspect will send me clamoring back to YouTube for nostalgia’s sake, for years to come. And for that I have the show’s cast, its crew, its costume designers, and, yes, even its writers to thank.
They all know we love them, and will miss them terribly. XOXO,
[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever 2]