When things go bump (and grind) in the night . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Heart of Darkness”

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The moment I got an electric shock from fondling my television screen . . . Totally worth it.

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  Long time, no fangirl!  Just in case you missed it, this week on TVD, ELENA FINALLY KISSED DAMON . . . and they humped against a dirty motel wall . . . and did some rather naughty things with their fingers in bed . . . it was all so deliciously tawdry, and long awaited, that I spent much of the episode celebrating . . .

Also, there was THIS . . .

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Oh, and I guess some other stuff happened too . . .

So, let your Big Bad Alter Ego out to play, because this episode of TVD is rated “M” for “More Makeouts Than We’ve Seen All Season.”

The Mysterious Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Saltzman

We begin the episode, in the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, also known as ‘The Time Out Corner for Misbehaving Salvatores and Friends.”  That little cage sees more action than a motel that rents by the hour i.e. the place where Damon and Elena shacked up this week   I mean, think about it.  Stefan goes there when he’s all Mean and Rippery.

Damon “rested there,” while he suffered from a nasty case of were-rabies.

Elijah vacationed there, during one of his many Temporary Deaths.

And now it’s Multiple Personality Disorder Alaric’s turn!

Psychotic or not, you have to give Alaric credit for his willingness to endure self-imposed lockdown, so that his Jack Nicholson from The Shining Other Self doesn’t run off and murder all his friends, while he sleeps.

However, when Elena popped by to offer him some food and light reading . . .

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 . . . I couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d been down there, and what the Good History teacher was doing about the all-important Three S’s” of Life (sh*t, shower, shave).  Because I definitely didn’t see a toilet in there . . . or a hose.  So, unless Warden Stefan was willing to act as chaperone, I’m thinking that place smelled pretty darn rank.

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Anywhoo . . . Elena’s real reason for visiting Alaric, of course, has more to do with her, than with him.  After all, she’s going on a little road trip to Denver with Damon to sow her wild sex oats  “rescue Jeremy,” and she needs a little moral support from her erstwhile father figure.

Understandably,  Alaric is pretty grumpy about the idea that Damon and Elena will be off exploring one another’s nether regions, while he’s busy playing “Find the Stake” with Stefan.  I mean, from the looks of things, it’s been a while since Prisoner Alaric has received a conjugal visit from the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie Meredith.  (Apparently, attempted murder is not so great for your sex life.  Who knew?)

Except . . . as it turns out, ALARIC’S a total psycho, which means he and Crazy Nanny Carrie are kind of perfect for one another . . . 

Alaric wonders out loud how Stefan is feeling about this Delena Sexcation.  And Elena responds that it was HIS IDEA!  Well now, this takes the concept of Brotherly Love to a whole new level, doesn’t it?

“Bye honey!  Be SAFE!  Have fun dry humping my brother!“

A bit of awkwardness ensues, when Elena pops by La Casa de Rich and Awesome to meet up with Damon, and Stefan meets her at the door.  “Have fun trying to coax that Big Stick out of Alaric,” Elena offers helpfully.  (No, she doesn’t actually say that.  But I kind of wish she did.)

“Be safe,” Stefan replies morosely, as Damon whisks Elena toward the door.

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Oh don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Steffie.  You know vampires can’t impregnate humans or spread STDs!  Though they do love to try . . .

Battle of the Blondes

We then move over to Mystic Falls High, where the students are hard at work preparing for their Bloodbath Prom . . . er . . . I mean Decade Dance.  Seriously, at this point the administration should just pick a day at random, where they line the students up against a wall, and randomly slaughter them, Hunger Games style.  It would be much more efficient.  But while we are on the subject of high school, does anyone else find it ironic that 1,000-year old vampire, Rebekah, seems to be the only one who regularly attends?

Caroline and Rebekah are apparently having a contest to see which of them can out “Regina George” the other.

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And the passive aggressive insults are flying across the gym like dodgeballs . . .  Personally, I think Caroline won this fight, though.  Her, “at least I don’t have sex with everyone I make eye contact with,” comment was filled with win.

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(Everybody knows that “slut jokes and fat jokes,” are the girlfight equivalent of “yo mama” jokes  . . .)  As for Rebekah’s retort . . .

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 . . . it probably would have been more effective if the two girls didn’t look so very much alike . . .  And yet, when Blonde Boy Matt sided with Rebekah, when it came to choosing a 20’s themed decade dance, over Caroline’s proffered 70’s one, it appeared that former featherweight champion, Vampire Barbie, might be forced to concede a victory in this round.  The latter stormed out of the gym in a huff, while Rebekah looked on, her face practically brimming with smug satisfaction . . .

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But, as it turns out, the jokes on Rebekah.  Apparently, Matt and Caroline orchestrated the entire argument, just to give Caroline an excuse to leave school, and engage in Sexy Times with Tyler.  (Seriously?  What is with all these guys offering up their ex-girlfriends as sexual sacrifices to the Altar of Alpha Male?)

Now, maybe this makes me a Bad Person.  But I would rather eat glue, than give an ex-boyfriend I’m not over yet, free reign to start boning my more attractive and probably better in bed rival . . .  It’s one thing to accept that your ex has moved on.  It’s quite another to give them an INVITATION to do it . . . particularly, when YOU aren’t getting any, yourself.

“Doh!” 

Boozing Buddies

Speaking of sacrificial males, Stefan has decided that in order for Bad Alaric to come out to play, Good Alaric needs to take a nap.  So, the Broody Vampire decides to speed matters along, by offering Alchyric some liquid lunch . . . which actually makes sense, since I’ve never seen the guy eat.  (You know how vampires only require blood for sustenance?  I’m starting to think the same concept applies to Alaric and Booze.)

Alaric, of course, tries to go all Dr. Phil on Stefan, and his mind boggling decision to get Elena to explore her feelings for Damon via road trip.  Stefan basically admits that in order for him to continue to pursue things with Elena, he has to know she isn’t lusting after his brother.  (Why Stefan?  It never stopped you, before.)

“Scoot over, brother.  It’s my turn to get the neck.”

Alaric and Stefan also reflect upon whether their Psycho and Ripper so-called alter egos, respectively, are really just themselves after a Bad Day.  “The same things that drive him, drive me,” Alaric reflects wisely.

Of course, if anyone knows anything about being driven by bloodlust to do Bad Things, it’s Stefan.  But for Alaric’s sake, he puts a kinder spin on things.  “It’s not you,” he reassures his buddy boy.  “It’s just your darkest parts.”  (Well, THAT sounds dirty . . .)

The “darkest parts” of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, a.k.a. the chocolate fudge . . .

But while all this navel-gazing and moody self-reflection might BORE Alaric, it doesn’t necessarily put him to sleep.  This, of course, means more “physical” tactics will have to be employed.  And, unfortunately, I’m not talking about sex.  Though really, nothing sends a warm-blooded male to dreamland faster than a solid roll in the hay.  I’m referring to a good, old-fashioned ASS KICKING . . .

Fortunately, Klaus has magically appeared to deliver said ass-kicking.  And when Stefan gives his ex boyfriend the Cliff Notes version of the whole “Save the Cheerleader, save the World Destroy the Missing Stake.  Save the Vampire Bloodline,” concept, Klaus helpfully breaks Alaric’s neck, thereby FINALLY powering this starting-to-become-a-bit-draggy plot line forward.

Sweet Dreams, Good Alaric!  (And THANK YOU, KLAUS!)

“Have you met YOU?”

I have to admit I was a bit disappointed, when the episode cut directly to Damon and Elena, already in Denver.  I mean, isn’t the whole point of a Sexy Times Road Trip, the hours and hours of having absolutely nothing to do but stare at one another, and bond over the bad in-flight movie?

Obviously the duo MORE than made up for this, by the episode’s end.  But at this point in the game, I was a little peeved.

Damon and Elena find Jeremy alone at the batting cages, striking out, of course.  “I should have compelled him to be better at baseball,” Damon quips.  (I don’t know.  If I was a teenage boy, there are a few things I’d want to be compelled to be “better” at, but baseball isn’t one of them.)

“STRIKE ONE”

“STRIKE TWO”

“STRIKE THREE!  YOU’RE OUTTTT!”

 The duo quickly fill Jeremy in on at least part of the reason they are really here . . . to get “I See Dead People” Jeremy to “talk” to Rose, and find out which Original sired her, so that the Scooby Gang doesn’t kill that one.  “So, you came all the way up here to get me to talk to some dead vampire?”  Jeremy gripes.

No, we also came up here, to make sure that Ring of Immortality Ring your wearing hasn’t already turned you into a drooling, vampire-hating loony toons, like your guardian, Alchyric.  “Dead and vampire is redundant, but yes,” Damon replies.

Jeremy promptly informs his darling sister, who has effectively traveled across the country to have sex with Damon effectively prevent the extinction of vampire kind, that the Vampire Apocalypse is just going to have to wait.  Apparently, Mini Gilbert has much more important things to do than save the world . . . like whacking balls with a “dear friend.”

Remember that time, an episode or two ago, when  Jeremy told Elena over the phone that he was heading out to spend time with “some friends?”  And most of the fandom immediately took this a a sign that Jeremy, much like his guardian before him, had already taken a One Way Trip to Crazy Town?  In fact, many fans even went as far as to suggest that these “friends” Jeremy was referring to may actually be vampires he’d already murdered, in the same way he offed that hybrid, before being sent away in the first place . . .

As it turns out, fans were right to be worried about the fact that Jeremy made “a friend.”  Apparently, sexy little Jer is only allowed to have real “friends” if they belong to his sister, or secretly want to sleep with him.  “Didn’t you find it a little weird that you made a friend so fast?  Have you met you?”  Damon chastises Jeremy later for his poor judgment.

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So, yeah, long story short, Jeremy’s friend was “Kol,” a reveal that probably surprised precisely no one, since we knew the Original Vamp had been stalking Jeremy, and his new dog (See, at least Jeremy has a Man’s Best Friend), ever since the latter arrived in Denver.  That said, I must admit, I did feel a bit bad for Jeremy, when Kol admitted.  “You and I are not really buds,” before bashing Damon’s head in with an aluminum bat.  (Of course, I felt worse for Damon for being beaten by an aluminum bat.  But, I felt bad for Jeremy too!  I mean, everyone should have REAL friends right.  Even if those friends just so happen to be blood sucking sociopaths . . .)

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Eventually, Damon manages to stake Kol with something that ISN’T dipped in or made from white oak ash (i.e. good for temporary death nap, but nothing more), and the threesome escape the batting cages, relatively unscathed.  But  . . . with Kol knowing the groups whereabouts, they can’t well stay in Denver.  So, you know what that means.  It’s time to check into the Sex Motel!  (Can I get a hell yeah!)

In which I take back everything bad I ever said about Rose the Vampire . . .

Unfortunately, this vacation isn’t only for Delena pleasure.  It’s for business too.  So, upon arriving at the hotel Jeremy “I talk to dead people” Gilbert manages to channel Ghost Vampire Rose, through Damon’s memories of her.

When Damon first starts waxing poetic about Rose’s death being beautiful, and sweet, and blah, blah, blah, Elena thinks he’s blowing smoke up Jeremy’s ass.  And understandably so.  After all, the last time Elena saw Rose, she looked like this . .  .

. . . and was literally trying to chew Elena’s face off.  It’s not really an image one soon forgets.  Interestingly enough, it’s Jeremy, who has either already connected with Rose, or simply managed to get hi s hand on the TVD Season 2 DVD that corrects Elena’s misinterpretation of the situation.  “Damon was talking about the dream he gave her when she died,” he offers.

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(Damn, Ghost Whisperers, always thinking they know everything . .  .)  After the reunited pair get the banal chitchat out of the way . . . (Yes, Rose is still hot.  Yes, she misses Damon, but is NOT obsessed with him.) . . . things start to get really interesting.

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Now, those of you who have read my recaps before know full well, that I was far from Rose’s biggest fan.  I believe the nickname I used for her was “Boyfriend Stealer.”

In fact, for weeks after she died, I refused to use any other photograph to illustrate this character but her Were-Rabies Mugshot.

Here we go again . . .

 It wasn’t really anything personal.  It’s just that, as a Delena shipper, I found the fact that Rose was constantly humping Damon to be . . . well . . . how do I put this kindly .  . . REALLY ANNOYING!

That all changed when Elena told Jeremy THESE fateful words, “Tell Damon I’m rooting for him and Elena.”

That’s right, Fangbangers.  Apparently, my former fictional arch rival is a fellow Delena shipper.

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This means she and I have the incontrovertible bond of folks who share the same ship.  And, therefore, I must love her like a sister.  (It’s easy for me to do this, since I am an only child, and really have no concept of what “loving someone like a sister” actually means.)  So, Rose, if you are out there . . . in Heaven, or wherever it is that rabid vampires go .  . . I’m sorry for calling you Man Stealer, posting ugly pictures of you on the internet, and not being particularly sad when you died.  I truly hope you can forgive me.  Oh, and if you ever want to come to my house, and watch Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries with me on DVD (We can skip your death episode of course), I promise to invite you inside.

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Oh, but back to the real reason we called Rose.  Who sired her?  As it turns out, it wasn’t ANY of the Originals.  Rather, the woman who sired Rose was a girl named “Mary Porter,” a.k.a. Scary Mary.  (Well, this certainly complicates things.)  Though Rose doesn’t know where Scary Mary lives off hand, apparently there’s some Vampire Phone Chain she can tap into.  Rose promises the Scooby Gang that she will do some research, and get back to them with an answer, before bidding them a fond adieu.

This, of course, means Damon, Elena and Jeremy can’t leave until they hear back from Rose.  Damon calls Stefan with the AWESOME . . . er . . . I mean terrible news.  “We’re stuck in a motel,” says Damon glibly.

The look on Stefan’s face upon hearing this admission is totally priceless.  Sorry, buddy.  But hey, you wanted Elena to explore her feelings for Damon.  And now she’s going to have an entire night in a not particularly big bed to do just that . . .

Mother/Daughter bonding?  (Yeah, we should have remembered that NEVER really happens on this show.)

Back at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Decorated (also known as the Originals’ house), Matt drives Rebekah home from school.  And she is so impressed that a boy actually did something nice for her, that she looks like she wants to hump his leg.  All joking aside, I REALLY these two together, and hope they both live long enough on this show to make a go of it.

“Thank you!  I WILL have a nice life.  Because I’m the only human left on this show . . . unless you kill me, of course.”

Rebekah’s good mood is short-lived though.  Because when she crosses the threshhold into her home she’s greeted by none other than her miserable murderous, slightly bug-eyed Mommy.  Mommy Dearest tells Rebekah that the latter really should have no hard feelings about the whole “I tried to kill you” thing, because she’s dying now too.  We all know how starved Rebekah is for ANY show of love and kindness.  So, of course, she cracks immediately, cradling her mother’s hands as the latter . . .  “dies.”

In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.  “Big mistake . . . HUGE!”

“Tell him to suck it,” and other moments of Forwood Cave Porn

Meanwhile a much happier reunion is occurring in the Forest Where Bad Things Happen.  I really do love how horny Caroline and Tyler always seem to be.  I mean, think about it, whenever they aren’t broken up, these two are ALWAYS, ALWAYS boning.  This week they were almost too busy boning to engage in any dialogue at all.

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They boned against the tree .  . . They boned against the cave wall . . . They boned on the cave floor.

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They would have boned at Caroline’s house.  But they couldn’t because Lizard Forbes was home, which meant they actually had to talk.  Well, that don’t go over so well . . .

(Yes, before you guys, all jump down my throat, I know that Caroline and Tyler had a very sweet post coital conversation on the cave floor, during which Caroline said Klaus should suck it (HE WISHES!), and admitted to Tyler that if the Scooby Gang killed Klaus he would die too.  Caroline and Tyler are fully capable of engaging in adult conversation.  They’d just much rather have sex.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  I mean, have YOU seen them?  I’d bone all the time too . . .)

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But back to Caroline’s house, where everything went to hell, and all because Caroline just COULDN’T bear to throw away that darn pony picture that Klaus drew her.  Ruh-roh!  Tyler didn’t like that one bit.  And I for one, think his anger was justified.  I mean, the way I see it, if a sociopathic psycho killer draws a picture of you, there are only two rational reasons why you would want to keep it.  (1) He’s a FAMOUS psycho killer.  And you plan on selling the picture on E-bay for a crapload of money.  (2) You’re hot for the psycho killer.

Sorry Caroline . . . we haven’t seen you on E-bay.  So, I’m thinking it’s option 2 for you . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Looooooooove Shack . . .

In which Elena finally ravages Damon, a.k.a. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!

His suspicion piqued by Rose’s offhand comment, Jeremy understandably wants to know what’s going on between Elena and Damon.  The problem is that Elena’s not quite ready to admit what’s going on to herself yet .  . . at least not for another hour or so.  But Jeremy takes the hint anyway, and lets Elena and Damon share the second bed, while he sleeps alone.  Smart boy . . .

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Later that night, Elena is watching an open shirted Damon strut around the hotel room with his shirt hanging open (which is my FAVORITE Damon Look, by the way), and looking hotter than I’ve seen him look like .  . . EVER.

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And this is including all those shower scenes!  She’s staring him like she wants to swallow him whole.  And even though she tries to pretend she’s sleeping when he turns around, he notices . . . as all hot guys notice, when girls are ogling them like construction workers.

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Sensing an opening (smart boy), Damon crawls into bed with Elena, but lays on his back, so as not to make her feel pressured.  It’s not the first time they’ve slept together.  But it IS the first time Elena has seemed so very eager.  And Damon doesn’t want to screw up the moment.

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Elena starts the conversation, as she turns toward Damon, her eyes roving his mostly naked body.  Her eyes are already filled with yearning and wanting.  I suspect it’s already taking all her strength not to jump him right here and now.  But she’s got to treadly lightly too, as this is a “test of her true feelings.” And she doesn’t want her hormones to get in the way.

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“You never told me what you did for Rose,” Elena muses.

“It wasn’t about you,” Damon responds wisely.

It’s an important point to make.  Because, as far as Elena has always been concerned, Damon only did good, and selfless things for Elena’s benefit, because he loved her, and sought her approval.  But Damon’s selfless actions with regard to Rose, really didn’t have anything to do with Elena, or even with love for that matter.  Damon did what he did, because he cared about Rose as a friend, and because it was . . . wait for it . . . the right thing to do.  In fact, when he had the opportunity to tell Elena about it, when she comforted him later in the episode, he chose not too, because, as he said, it had nothing to do with Elena or his love for her.

Elena can be dense sometimes, but even she recognizes a selfless gesture when she sees one.  And this gesture of Damon’s is starting to make Elena feel all tingly in her pants.  You can see her face flush, and breathing quicken, even though it is dark.  As much as Elena “loves” Stefan, I don’t recall a time where she ever seemed this incontrovertibly turned on by his mere presence and the sound of his voice.

“Why don’t you let people see the good in you?”  Elena muses.

I love what Damon said here . . .  “When people see good, they expect good.  And I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s expectations.”

Those two sentences explain so much about who Damon is, and why he behaves the way he does.  In the same way Rebekah craves affection, Damon fears rejection.  And why not?  In a way, he’s been rejected all his life . . . by his father . . . by his brother . . . by the women he loves.  So, rather than put himself out there, and risk being rejected again, Damon turns inward.  He pretends to be cold and heartless, because it’s easier that way.  Because if people saw how truly large his heart was, they might toy with it, and break it.  And he’s simply not ready to bear the brunt of that pain for another eternity.

Of course, we have seen Damon show his goodness to many people . . . people he loves and cares about . . . like Stefan, Elena, Alaric, and Rose.  But he always does so with a caveat.  “I don’t do GOOD,” he tells them all . . . a pleading refrain.

When what he really means is, “Please don’t break my heart again.”

Elena understands all this instinctively, which is why she’s now so incredibly hot for Damon, she can’t breathe.   She turns her body toward the ceiling, mimicking his earlier gesture, but not before she reaches for his hand . . . What starts as a gesture of solidarity and understanding, becomes something much more . . . intense.  Seconds later, these two are having some serious Hand Sex.  There’s rubbing, massaging, groping and fondling.  Put it this way, if these were any other body parts, aside from fingers, this scene would be rated NC-17.

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Can you blame Elena for needing to go outside for some “air?”  And, more importantly, can you blame Damon for following her?  He knows a turned on hot tottie when he sees one!

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 By the time Damon approaches Elena, she’s literally gasping for breath.  She can’t resist any longer.  She grabs him, and kisses him intensely.  He throws her against the wall of the dirty motel passionately, as he kisses her chest and neck . . . there is not a single erogenous zone left untouched.  (Well . . . maybe ONE erogenous zone.)  She’s moaning, he’s panting.  It’s the dry hump of all dry humps.  And it is awesome.  And for one brief minute, the world is a perfect SEXY place.

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And then Cockblock Jeremy comes and ruins it all . . .

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Apparently, Rose has found Scary Mary in Texas, or wherever.  Who cares?  I want more Delena Almost Sex!  I’ve waited THREE SEASONS FOR THIS, DAMMIT!  Let’s relive it, shall we?

Where’s Fake Friend Kol when you need him?

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Vampire Hoarders – Scary Mary Edition

All sexual frustration aside, you know what?  I’m kind of disappointed that we never got to meet Scary Mary.  I mean, if DAMON thought she was creepy,  she must have really been a piece of work.  And yet, not creepy enough for our Bad Boy Vamp not to screw her in the past.

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That IS pretty Scary . . . Mary . . . 

“I said she was creepy, not ugly,” Damon quips, as Damon and Elena wander her haunted farmhouse of freakishness.  (They made Jeremy wait outside.  “Why so you two can make out more?”  Jeremy griped.  WE WISH!)

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Don’t mind if we do  . . .

Of course, Kol killed Scary Mary, before they got there.  Now, not only will we never get to meet Scary Mary.  We aren’t going to find out which Original sired her . . . probably for another season or so.  Maybe I’m exaggerating.  But I’m starting to think not.  Kol starts beating Damon up again.  Because it seems that poor Damon can’t go two episodes without getting torture or a beat down.  That’s just the price you pay for being a stud, I guess.

On a shippers note, I did love how both Elena and Damon put themselves in harms way to protect their makeout buddies.  “Don’t you touch her,” Damon growled, thereby causing my panties to drop again for about the 80th time this hour.

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But be wary, Delena fans.  Angst is-a comin . . .

In which Elena screws everything up (AGAIN),  but Rose gives us hope . . .

Outside Scary Mary’s house, Damon and Elena fondle one another’s wounds, as we know they LOOOOVE to do with one another.

But Damon makes the mistake of asking Elena what her sudden change of behavior is all about.  “Stefan thinks I have feelings for you,” Elena mumbles pathetically.

“Do you?” Damon asks stupidly?

(Really Damon?  You have to ask.  I mean, did you WATCH that hotel scene?)

“I don’t know,” replies Elena.

(AGRRRRHHHHH!  These people are killing me!)

Then, Elena has to go be all b*tchy, and admit that part of her was hoping that Damon would sabotage their makeout session, so Elena wouldn’t have to face the fact that she’s in love with someone who isn’t SAINT Stefan.

As frustrating as this scene was, I have to say, I was super proud of Damon for staunchly refusing to behave badl, thereby giving Elena an excuse to deny her feelings, and go running back to Stefan again.  Things may have ended badly between Damon and Elena, this week.  But I think, overall, it was a positive thing that Damon held his ground and leveled the playing field.  It’s about time, Elena chose a Salvatore once and for all, based on her true feelings, and not on some lame technicality . . .

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On the car ride home, Ghost Rose whispers in Jeremy’s ear that Damon and Elena had a fight, which is why they are now not talking, whereas, prior to this, they were eating one another’s faces.  (Well, THANKYOU, Captain Obvious!  And here, I thought they had just caught a bad case of mono / bronchitus, from all that kissing they were doing earlier.)

But like I said, I can’t bash Rose any more . . . especially not when she assumes the voice of the entire Delena fandom, by explaining why exactly, Stefan is the “safe” choice for Elena (because Rippers are SUPER safe), while Damon is the SEXY choice.  “She makes him a better person.  But he changes her too,” she explains surprisingly eloquently.  Damon challenges [Elena].  He makes her question her beliefs.  He is either the best thing for her or the worst.”

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Well, I’m going to go with THE BEST . . . but, other than that, I really couldn’t have said it myself.  I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU, Rose.  Thanks a lot.  (And, hey, if you ever want a side career, in TV recapping, you know who to call . . .)

Welcome back, Psycho Killer!

Back in Psycho Killer rehab, Alaric has woken up from his neckbreaking still himself . . . unfortunately.  Now, Stefan has to resort to beating Good Alaric up, in order to get Bad Alaric to come out and play.  Alaric even removes his ring, to raise the stakes.  It’s a surprisingly unpleasant scene, with Alaric bleeding everywhere, and Stefan desperately trying to fight the bloodlust he NEEDS to make this happen.

Eventually, Psycho!Alaric does appear.  And he starts flinging insults at Stefan like it’s his job.  “You’re pathetic,” he sneers.  “You’re nothing,” etc. etc.

But Psycho!Alaric isn’t all that smart, apparently, because it only takes him about two minutes to reveal that he hid the stake in the cave “where no vampire can get it.”  (Seriously, what’s with these people and caves?  Doesn’t anyone in Mystic Falls like to hang out above ground anymore?)

Of course, by the time Stefan and Psycho!Alaric arrive upstairs, Klaus and Rebekah are already waiting for them.  “Rebekah” gallantly offers to escort Psycho!Alaric to the cave, so Klaus can flirt some more with Stefan.  Honestly, Klaus has such a big boner for Stefan it’s not even funny.  It makes his boner for Caroline, look like . . . well . . .a handdrawn picture of a pony.  “I want my friend back,” Klaus gripes.

But Stefan isn’t about to be won over so easily this time.  He’s accepted his Ripperness, dagnamit!  And now NO ONE can control him . . . well . . . except for maybe Elena . . . boyfriend is TOTALLY whipped.

Here comes the TWIST . . .

Meanwhile, over in the caves, Psycho!Alaric, knowing he’s in grave danger of an Original Ass-Whipping / Cave Murder, tries to strike a deal with Klaus Barbie, before he crosses the threshhold back to where vampires CAN travel.  “Only one Original has to die,” he pleads.  “Help me, and I’ll make sure it’s not you.”

A fair enough proposal, but Rebekah isn’t having it . . . as she Boldly Goes into the Cave Where No Vampire Has Gone Before.  You see . . . because Rebekah isn’t a vampire anymore . . . She isn’t even Rebekah, anymore.  She’s MAMA “I WANT ALL VAMPIRES TO DIE” Esther  . . . .

. . . who’s currently borrowing her daughter’s body, like I used to borrow my best friend’s clothing in junior high.  (Her body fits better though . . . My best friend was WAY TOO TALL for me to fit in her pants.)

I smell an ALLIANCE OF EVIL . . .

And that was “Heart of Darkness” in a nutshell . . . next week we get another Deadly Decade Dance.  You can check out the Extended Promo, and a sneak peek here . . . (I’d give you the Canadian one too, if I could find it . . .)

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Not-So-Suite Life – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Panic Roommate”

Chuck:  “It was nice to FINALLY get scenes with you again this week, Blair.  For a while there, I was worried that the writers were AFRAID to have us interact, out of fear of showing the world just how much our CURRENT so-called relationships PALE in comparison to what you and I have together.”

Blair:  “Tell me about it!  You have about as much romantic chemistry with that Raina chick, as I have with Raccoon Zombie, Little J!”

Chuck:  “Good point . . . but what about Dan?  Do you think YOU have romantic chemistry with him?”

Blair:  “Who?”

Chuck:  “Exactly.”

 I like to think of this week’s installment of Gossip Girl as the “Special Guest Episode.”  Now, I’m not saying that the episode was particularly “special” or even all that good, for that matter.  I’m simply referring to the fact that, during this episode, our favorite Upper East Siders spent the majority of the hour interacting with and talking about special guests characters, most of whom we all KNOW won’t be around in about three or four episodes, anyway.  In fact, TWO of these special guest characters “peaced out,” even before the final XOXO . . .

Screw Little J!  If Gossip Girl ever does go off the air, I, personally think THIS guy has the most spinoff potential.  In fact, I can picture the title of his new series now:  “High Times with Drug-Dealing Damien.”  (Zac Efron would co-star, as his younger, straight-edge brother, Troy Bolton Ramien!)

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s go find out what the characters we do care about are saying about those we don’t.

Good Vibrations (or the lack thereof)

Is it just me, or does EVERY single Chuck / Raina sex scene on Gossip Girl look exactly the same (i.e. dull and colorless)?  In fact, not only do Chuck/Raina sex scenes not titillate me, they actually have the adverse effect of making me incredibly depressed. 

Why?  You ask . . .

Well, you see, everytime I watch Chuck and Raina power through one of their Five-Minute Missionary Position Lunch Break Lays, I can’t help but think of what I could be watching instead . . .

When Chuck and Blair have sex it’s a Contact Sport, one in which the competitors get extra points for creativity.  When Chuck and Raina do it, it’s an item on the To Do List, right underneath “Confirm Client Meeting” and “Make Sure the Maid Washes My Underwear.”

Anywhoo . . . the episode opens with Chuck and Raina doing it zzzzzzzzzzz.  Don’t feel bad if they are boring you, because Chuck’s bored too.  So, bored in fact, that when Raina’s cell phone vibrates, Chuck suggests she bring it into bed with her to up Arousal Factor.  (Note:  If this were Chuck and Blair in bed, they’d be going at it so aggressively, that not only would no one PICK UP the cell phone, it would probably get literally crushed beneath the sheer magnitude of the couple’s grinding backsides love.)

Raina, however, ignores Chuck’s advice, opting to pick up her phone, rather than use it as a Sex Toy.  In hindsight, that was probably a good decision, especially considering that the person calling Raina was HER FATHER . . .

The Awkward Moment when you are using your cell phone as a vibrator, and your DAD’S FACE appears on its screen . . .

Speaking of Chuck and Raina . . .  zzzzzzzzzzzz . . . 

(OK, I’m up!  I’m up!) 

What’s their ship name, anyway?  Ruck?  Chaina?  Is it even worth the effort of making one up?  Do any fans ACTUALLY ship these two as a couple?  I didn’t think so . . .

Always at Daddy’s beck and call, Raina exits the premises, leaving Chuck to nurse THESE . . .

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Upper East Side . . .

Epperley Needs a Date (Wait . . . who the f*&k is Epperley?)

At W Magazine, Blair is finding herself in a very unique situation, one she has NEVER experienced in all her time on Gossip Girl:  She has to work . . . hard.

“Surely, this is the first sign of Show Cancellation Shark Jumping the Apocalypse!”

As luck would have it, Blair’s new boss, Epperley, is completely stressed out about the Plot Device Party Upcoming W Magazine event, and is working Poor Blair’s little french manicured fingers to the bone, as a result.  This, of course, is completely unacceptable to Blair.  No self-respecting woman should willingly busy herself with menial office tasks (That’s what DOROTA is for!).  In fact, according to Blair, any woman who DOES work hard in a career setting, MUST be hard up for loving! 

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t help myself . . .

Fear not, Upper East Siders.  Blair Waldorf has A PLAN!

Blair and Chuck Put their Heads Together (Unfortunately, no other body parts touch, in the process.)

After work (or before . . . or during . . . Annoying and inconsequential things like TIME, never seem to matter all that much to the ridiculously rich.), Blair (with Epperley in tow) heads over to La Casa de Chuck and Nate to screw Chuck’s brains out request a favor of her soulmate former beau.

Isn’t this picture SO much better, when taken completely out of the lame context of this episode?

The stated reason for the visit is that Blair wants to host the W Magazine function on Chuck’s property.  Of course, we all KNOW that Chuck could have probably agreed to host Blair’s event over the phone, thereby saving her and her boss the commute.  I SMELL A SCHEME!

Of course, we are not at all surprised, when Blair requests that Nate give Epperley a tour of the place, leaving Blair and Chuck alone to screw like bunny rabbits talk. 

As it turns out, both Blair and Chuck have favors to ask one another.  Chuck goes first.  He wants Blair to tell him how he can win Raina’s heart (blech!), so that she can convince her father not to sell Bass Industries out from under him.  (Ummm yeah . . . because asking your EX girlfriend, who you are CLEARLY still in love with, how to seduce your current one is not inappropriate AT ALL!) 

Improprieties aside, Blair actually offers Chuck some pretty helpful advice.  Contrary to what Chuck might think, hours and hours of sex (particularly the boring kind of sex he has with Raina) do not make a woman fall in love with a man.  Rather, Chuck will probably have to find some commonality between him and Raina that he can exploit, in order to make her feel connected to him.

“You mean I actually have to TALK to her?  I’m bored already . . .”

For Blair’s part, she wants Chuck to seduce Epperley, so that she doesn’t make Blair work so hard.  (Ummmm yeah . . . because asking your EX Boyfriend, who you are CLEARLY still in love with to have sex with your boss, so that he can sleep YOUR way to the top, is not inappropriate AT ALL!)  Unfortunately for Blair, Chuck declines her request.  Don’t get him wrong, it’s not that Chuck is AVERSE to having multiple sex partners at one time . . .

. . . it’s just that this whole “talking to Raina” thing is going to be using up all his excess mental energy, not to mention his patience.  So, there is simply not enough Chuck left over for Epperley. 

No bother!  If Blair can’t have Chuck, she’ll take the Next Best Thing . . .

Source

OMG!  It’s Gossip Girl, Season 1, all over again!

So, Blair wants NATE to seduce Epperley now.   But she wants him to be a more “generous” lover with Epperley than he was with HER.  (Who knew Little Nate Archibald was such a glutton in the sack?)  Slutty as he may be, however, Nate is going to need a bit of convincing, before he lets Blair pimp him out. 

And so, when Chuck calls, while Blair is still with Nate, Blair pretends he’s Epperley, and starts talking to “her” about how “she” [Epperley] thinks Nate is a majorly Hot Piece of Ass, who she desperately wants to bone at the W party.

“Epperley” and I can agree on this point.

“You’re overselling.  Wrap it up,” Chuck kindly advices his Lady Love, immediately understanding EXACTLY what she is trying to do.

Then, when Chuck notices Raina and her RIDICULOUS hat looming in the distance,  he starts playing the SAME game — casually telling Blair what a DEEP connection he and Raina share together . . .

“Legend has it, if you look at my hat for too long, you can turn to stone . . .”

Chuck and Raina Play Hotel Hide and Seek

Knowing that Raina’s dad’s company will vote on the buyout of Bass Industries in just a few short hours,  Chuck really turns on the charm.  He takes Raina out to lunch at his hotel, and sweet talks every busboy or waiter that passes him by.  When Raina notes that all this “Kindness for the Poor” stuff Chuck is doing seems like a Big Ole Crock of Sh&t, Chuck starts waxing poetic about his young days growing up on the Disney Show the Suite Life of Zack and Cody and Chuck on hotel property. And, wouldn’t you know it?  RAINA GREW UP in a hotel TOO!

You mean to tell me kids who’s Fathers Own HOTELS spend a lot of time in HOTELS?  I’M SHOCKED!

The two Children of Hotel Barons even shared the same Childhood Hiding Place!  This must be Lame True Love, right?  Recognizing that he has Raina in his clutches, Chuck allows the other shoe to drop, by inviting Raina to attend Blair’s W party event, thereby missing  the vote to take over Bass Industries, which, conveniently enough, must be unanimous in order to pass.  Raina accepts!

“I am SO GOOD!”

And yet, neither Chuck, nor Raina counted on Raina’s Kill Joy Dad crashing the party.  Thorpe quickly informs Raina that the Little Bass-tard knew all about the timing of the vote, and was only using her to save his company.  Raina asks Chuck if this is true.  He admits that it is, but assures her that, in the process of manipulating Raina, he eventually grew to “really care about her” and blah, blah, blah *cough . . . bullsh*t . . . cough*

“Nothing can make me trust you again,” pouts Raina, before stalking off.

“I’m MAD AS HELL.   And I’m not going to take it . . . for the next five minutes, at least!”

Apparently, when Raina said that “nothing” would make her trust Chuck again, she might have been exaggerating just a little bit.  Because all it takes is an itty bitty phone call from Blair telling her how much Chuck REALLY cares about her, for Raina to wind herself right back into Chuck’s bed.  (Wow!  She must REALLY like Boring Missionary Sex!)

Blair to Shark:  “Consider yourself JUMPED.”

Speaking of Meaningless Sex, Blair has finally managed to convince Epperley to attend the W event, so that she can screw Nate there, and, hopefully, start being nicer to Blair, as a result.  On the night of the event, when Nate starts getting cold feet about essentially being Blair’s Man Whore, our Queen B gets a little handsy . . .

Source

Later that night,  W Magazine enters into a bit of a crisis situation (Apparently, it had something to do with gift bags, or something else equally unimportant).  Unfortunately, for Blair, her boss, Epperley, is nowhere to be found.  Nate is there, however . . .

Nate explains to Blair that he struck out in his manwhoring with Epperley, when some dude with a British accent hit on her, causing her to go off with him.  Blair then commandeers Nate to help her fix the Gift Bag Crisis, by threatening him to reveal his favorite musical to everyone, if he doesn’t help.   Apparently, Nate thinks that The Sound of Music is the Bees Knees, because it has “guns and Nazis, and Julie Andrews was hot.”

Who knew?

With the help of the apparently Nazi-loving Nate, Blair does manage to singlehandedly SAVE W Magazine from the horror that is having a party with NO gift bags.  So, when Blair arrives at the office the next morning, she is surprised to learn that Epperley has been in the Editor’s office for OVER AN HOUR.  (“What could they POSSIBLY be talking about?”  She wonders.)

When Epperley emerges from the office, she gives Blair the news.  Apparently, Epperley’s British One-Night Stand ended up being a LONG TIME ex-beau, who wanted to take her to Bali so the pair could do yoga together, or something.  So, Epperley decided to QUIT her much coveted, insanely prestigious, job.

“You are leaving the magazine for ‘Eat, Pray, Love’?”  Blair inquires, confused by Epperley’s plot device change of heart.

As it turns out, not only did Epperley quit the magazine, but she has requested that Blair, an INTERN and COLLEGE SOPHOMORE / FULL TIME STUDENT, who she knew for MAYBE A WEEK, and who, during that time, GOT INTO A WRESTLING MATCH AT A HIGH PROFILE COMPANY EVENT, to be her replacement . . .

“Well . . . on a positive note . . . this will make me feel successful enough in my own right to start dating Chuck again!”

In other news . . .

He’s Baaaaack!

Ugh!  Ben . . . again!  When is this guy going to GO AWAY, already?  Isn’t it bad enough we had to cope with HIS EVIL PSYCHO SISTER for half a season? 

Now, I know Drug Dealing Damien is a “Bad Guy” who “Tried to Date Rape Raccoon Zombie” and “Hurt Eric’s Feelings,” but still . . . was any one else, besides me, actually ROOTING FOR HIM, this week?

Did I mention he’s REALLY hot?

Anyway, as you might recall from last week, Rufus took Serena advice (at the SECRET behest of Lily), and offered Ben the opportunity to live out the remainder of his parole at DAN’S APARTMENT.  He did this, mind you, without asking DAN whether it would be OK. 

“W . . . T . . . F!”

To make matters worse, Ben is an AWFUL ROOMMATE.  For starters, he PUTS THE SALAD BOWLS BACK ON THE WRONG SHELF!  (The horror!)  Ben also constantly eyef*&ks Dan’s ex girlfriend, EATS her out SUSHI with her, and agrees to attend W Magazine events with her . . .

NOT COOL, BRO!

Fortunately for Dan, help is on the way, in the form of Drug Dealing Damien, and Friendless Eric.  Honestly, I had to laugh when Damien started going into that ridiculously fake sob story, about how Ben threatened to tell his parents on him for DEALING DRUGS, and how Damien is SO VERY SCARED of Ben, and Eric ACTUALLY BELIEVED HIM! 

(Seriously, Eric?  Have years and years of being FRIENDS with Raccoon Zombie Little J, a step-sibling to Chuck Bass, and a son to your Lying Manipulative B*tch of a Mother taught you NOTHING?)

“So, I come off as gullible and mentally deficient in this episode.   So, what?  At least they gave me a PLOTLINE, for a change!”

Together, Damien and Eric come to Dan for help with Operation Make Ben Look Crazy so his Parole Officer will Cart him Back to Jail.  At the W party, Damien tries to provoke Ben into a fight, but fails.

Not willing to give up, Damien then has ERIC punch him in the face.  He then has Dan invite Ben’s parole officer to the party, so that the latter can see Damien’s smushed face, and think Ben did it.  (That’s A LOT of trouble to go through for some guy you just “don’t like very much.”  Isn’t it, Damien?)

When Serena arrives at the party, to find Ben being dragged away by his parole officer, she is not a Happy Camper . . .

“I am NOT a Happy Camper.”

Serena does not believe for ONE SECOND that Ben would willingly hurt Drug Dealing Damien at a public event.   And yet, when she confronts Ben about it, he doesn’t deny it, or try to defend himself because he is such a Boring Loser.   Later, Eric tries hitting on his “new friend” Drug Dealing Damien again.  However, this time, the latter admits to, more or less, just using him to get back at Ben, and wants nothing more to do with him.  As a result of this rejection, a heartbroken, and incredibly guilty-feeling, Baby VDW comes clean to Rufus, about what he and Drug Dealing Damien did (with Dan’s help, of course).  Then, Dan and Eric rat Drug Dealing Damien out to his Mommy and Daddy for being a drug dealer, and make him cry . . .

Ultimately, Ben is cleared of all charges.  He is also eventually allowed to move back into Dan’s place . . . and Serena’s pants.

“Welcome Ben, prepare to boldly go where every male (and some inanimate objects) on this show have already been . . .”

And that was “Panic Roommate” in a nutshell, Upper East Siders!   Until next time . . .XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

People Can Surprise You – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Damien Darko”

A WORD OF WARNING, BEFORE WE BEGIN:  I’m a Chair Fan . . . BIG TIME!  Dair Fans, some of this recap might annoy the heck out of you.  Please enter with caution.  And don’t say you weren’t warned . . .

BLAIR:  “Wait a minute!  Why am I FIGHTING with you over a stapler?  I have never stapled anything in my life!  Dorota stapled everything for me from the day I was born until middle school.  After that, my minions took over the job.”

DAN:  “Honestly, I’m not quite sure.  Just like I don’t understand how YOU ended up being the one who ‘worked hard to earn’ this internship, and I got it as a result of my ‘vast connections.’  Not to mention, the silver spoon Lily van der Woodsen has apparently, lodged up my ass, ever since she started boning my father.”

BLAIR:  “Ughhh, does this mean I’m still in that weird Nightmare World, where I suddenly know how to do thinks like ‘wash dishes,’ and rarely ever get to interact with Chuck?

DAN:  “I’m afraid so, Miss Waldorf.   I’m afraid so . . .”

BLAIR:  *closes her eyes and starts clicking her heels together repeatedly*  “There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like home.  There’s no . . .”

Just when you THINK you know a person, he or she can start doing things that are *ahem* COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER.  If there was any theme at all to Gossip Girl’s “Damien Darko” episode, I would say that would be it.  And yet, toward the end of the episode, people returned to acting JUST how you would expect them to act.  Thus, proving that, at the end of even the darkest of tunnels, a bright light will ultimately shine through . . .

“Chuck Bass . . . and no guest.  You may enter my dress.“

Let’s review, shall we?

Blair plays nice(?), while Dan plays . .  . with himself

“Ak . . .  and now I’m sitting on a DIRTY FLOOR .  . . IN MY DESIGNER DRESS?  What the heck is WITH this episode?”

When the episode begins, Blair and her roomie Serena are preparing for the day ahead. 

In a rare turn of events, Serena is extremely chatty about her plans for the upcoming week (i.e. “To give my Ex-Con Teacher Friend an “I’m sorry my family TOTALLY ruined your life, but, as it turns out, you kind of deserved it, because you and your sister are ABSOLUTE NUTBAGS, who almost got me killed” F*&k, by Friday.”).  Blair, on the other hand, is alarmingly secretive about her To Do List. 

(OK, since when has Blair EVER kept quiet about her career, and / or plans for Eventual World Domination?  The only time Blair is supposed to be keeping secrets, is when she’s having Mindblowing Sex with Chuck, and doesn’t want anyone else to know about it . . . because they’d be way too jealous.)

“You know you love us  . . . together.  XOXO!”

And yet, it is absolutely essential for this Bizarro Plot of the Week that positively NO ONE, save Blair herself, know about the internship she supposedly worked so hard to secure, sometime between this week’s episode and last.  “I feel like I’m living with Don Draper,” remarks Serena.

No, Serena.   You WISH you were living with Don Draper.  I hear he “Likey The Blondes,” particularly ones that are young, extremely promiscuous, and have low self-esteem, like yourself.

Blair leaves the apartment, and meets up with her New Movie Buddy Dan, who, apparently, she’s been seeing quite a bit of, since their first Holiday Dalliance, during the mid-season finale.  (Somehow, I find it difficult to imagine Blair enjoying herself in a place where Popcorn and Soda in a Plastic Cup are the choicest items on the menu.)  It seems, based on the pair’s exchange, that these two have had plenty to talk about, during their nights out.  Everything from movies, to books, to art is discussed, analyzed, and promptly disagreed upon, in a matter of two minutes. 

And yet, during all this time, NEITHER Blair, nor Dan, has mentioned where he or she is planning to INTERN.  This is despite the fact that these two are SO scholarly and ambitious, that obtaining said internship SHOULD have been the PRIMARY thing on BOTH of their minds, ever since winter break concluded.  (I mean, it’s not like EITHER of them has been getting laid!)  But hey, Plot Devices . . . they are important, right?  So, Blair and Dan part ways, only to find themselves together again, just moments later, in the Copy Room of W Magazine.

“You want me to WHAT?  Collate?  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  You, over there, in the unfashionable suit, get Dorota on the phone and ask her to tell me what ‘collate’ means?”

Now, I find it a bit hard to believe that Blair — a girl, who just last week, memorized the entire biography of a woman on the Forbes list, and literally made a life-sized CHART of her day-to-day schedule, in order to secure an internship with her — wouldn’t even THINK to inquire as to whether there might be OTHER interns working with her at a company as large as the W Magazine.  In fact, the Blair WE know and love, would have probably collected a full dosseir on EACH of the other interns (Dan included), complete with their Deepest Darkest Secrets, and already begun the process of bringing each and every one of them down.  But, like I said, Plot Devices are important . . .

 “Epperly” Blair’s and Dan’s modelesque, but obviously business-minded, boss informs the group that they are all fighting for the same job — which appears to be an “assistant to the editor’s assistant” — sort of deal.  (Lesson to you future employers out there:  If you want to GUARANTEE a toxic environment within your workplace, THIS is how you do it.)  That being said, I actually saw a lot of promise in this storyline . . . intially. 

I pictured Dan and Blair banding together (They are members of the SAME Scooby Gang after all), to cleverly and hilariously weed out the other interns, only to engage one another in heated battle, during the final moments of the episode.  Unfortunately, that didn’t happen . . .

“W . . . T . . . F!”

I also expected for a place like W Magazine to engage its potential employees in a series of meaningful, Project Runway for Fashion Writers-esque competitions.  This way,  the “competitors” could truly showcase, which of them was the Best of the Best for the position.  What I got instead was Dan and Blair pretty much ignoring the rest of their competition (to their peril, I might add) and engaging in fundamentally idiotic battles over who made the best lattes, and who got to “handle the stapler.”  (Unfortunately, this is NOT a Euphemism for Sexual Activity).

All complaints aside, one part of GG’s take on The Devil Wears Prada 2:  Electric Boogaloo that I did enjoy, was when Blair distracted Dan from one of his menial office tasks, by shouting to him, “Oh, look!  It’s Georgina’s Baby!”

Do you remember that storyline?  Because Dan Humphrey probably wishes that you would forget it.

But when the interns actually are assigned a GENUINELY competitive task:  Who can get the most prestigious guest to attend Gossip Girl’s Fancy Party of the Week W Magazine’s promotional event?   . . .  well, that’s when things get REALLY bizarre.  As Convenient Plot Devices Luck would have it, both Dan and Blair somehow manage to get a hold of one another’s proposed guest lists.  Yet while Blair stupidly politely throws Dan’s list in the trash, determined to play fairly for once, DAN sabotages her, by preventing her prized guest from attending the event.

On the night of the party, Blair finds herself working the door, when, who should enter, but Chuck Bass.  Thus, begins, what, OF COURSE, was my favorite scene of the entire episode . . .

Source

BLAIR:  “Chuck Bass . . . and no guest.   You may enter.”

CHUCK:  Blair Waldorf . . . working the door.

BLAIR:  “I got an internship at W Magazine.”

CHUCK:  “Knowing you, you’ll be Editor and my wife by May.  Your plan is working.

BLAIR:  “So, it seems to be.”

And in that one small scene — surrounded, as it was, by abyss of woeful Chair-lessness – I found HOPE, for the couple I’ve grown to love over four seasons.  Though admittedly short, the interaction was pulsating with chemistry, sexual tension, longing looks, and above all, an unmatched sweetness.  This unique flavor of sweetness is one that Chuck and Blair reserve exclusively for one another.  Though, on occasion, they can be KIND to others (generous, and self-sacrificing even), never are these two driven, extremely serious, individuals EVER “sweet.”  Unless, of course, they are together, sharing a moment like this one.

Watching this scene, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Chuck’s words to Blair, during their painful breakup, back in “The Witches of Bushwick” episode,  “When two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”

That, of course, is “The Plan” to which Chuck refers in the scene.  And that plan IS working.  Because as Blair mentioned during “The Witches of Bushwick,” she needs to chart her own path in life, before she can build a true and everlasting future with Chuck.  Succeeding at this internship, is her first step down that Golden Path . . .

So, of course, Dan has to go and screw it up, by sabatoging Blair’s party list, and, thereby, causing THIS to happen . . .

Source

And then this happens to both Dan and Blair . . .

Blair is NOT amused . . .

 (I would like to note, at this point, that I was searching for a picspam on the Dair tumblr page to insert into this recap.  And the mere act of doing so NEARLY gave me a virus.  My computer started doing all these weird scary things, and I had to unplug it quickly, before any more damage can be done.  I suspect this is either the result of Dair fans wanting revenge against me for my undying devotion to Chair, or the universe trying to tell me something . . .)

Anyway . . .

Back at the W offices, Blair and Dan are packing their things, when Blair reveals to Dan just how big of an ass he REALLY is.  As it turns out, Blair’s mom DIDN’T secure Blair this internship, as Dan (and most of us) assumed.  Instead, she stalked the office, like a crazy person, to get the job . . . creepily bombarding every fax machine in the office with her resume.

Then she KILLED the intern who was ACTUALLY supposed to get the position . . . just kidding!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m loving this “New and Improved” Blair, who’s willing to actually work hard to get what she wants, as opposed to getting there through manipulation and nepotism.   And yet, I find it VERY hard to believe that Eleanor, one of New York’s Premier Designers, couldn’t get Blair an internship at W, by . . . say . . . offering its editor an exclusive peek at her Spring Line.  Nevertheless, I agree with Blair, that, Dan’s career aspirations and talents would be better suited with him working for an enterprise like The New Yorker.  (For the record, Lily got Dan HIS job . . . probably by paying off Epperley, or screwing the director of Human Resources, knowing her.)

“You wanted an internship.  I wanted THIS one,” argues Blair.

Dan then wondered out loud (as most of US wondered) why Blair didn’t sabotage Dan’s efforts to secure a guest for the party.  “Guess I must have an undiagnosed brain injury, because I stupidly thought this fake friendship might be real!”  Blair admits.

“Well, don’t I feel like a Douche!”

Ultimately, Dan redeems himself, by calling Epperley, and admitting that HE was the one who sabatoged Blair’s internship efforts, not the other way around.  He goes one step further, by fibbing that it was BLAIR, and not Dan, who got Dan’s famous guest to arrive at the party.  He even goes as far as to tell his former boss that HE started the knockdown, drag out, fight with Blair, just to make her look bad. 

It WAS a genuinely nice gesture on Dan’s part, I must admit — one that shows that Blair was right.  Her FRIENDSHIP with Dan is a real one.  And yet, I can’t help but notice that, having lost HIS internship already, Dan really had nothing to lose, by calling Epperley, and taking the blame for what had happened at the party.  Now, had only BLAIR been fired, thereby, forcing Dan to GIVE UP the position . . . so that she could have it, in his place . . . THAT would have been a special sacrificial act, indeed. 

(A missed opportunity, Gossip Girl writers!  If you want us Chair Fans to support a Dan and Blair hookup . . . even if it’s only a temporary one, which ultimately ends in a lasting friendship for the pair . . . you are going to have to work WAY harder than that!)

The next morning, Blair is sulking in bed with Serena, when Epperley calls her, to tell her she has her job back.  Blair has 15 minutes to get her butt to the office.  (You can’t get ANYWHERE in 15 minutes, in Manhattan!)  This probably would explain why Blair showed up at work looking like THIS . . .

Looks like SOMEONE raided SERENA’s closet, by accident . . . FISHNET STOCKINGS?  PINK SHORTS?  A GRANNY SWEATER?  SERIOUSLY, B?

In other news . . .

Strange (and boring) bedfellows

Chuck’s been doing the Horizontal Mambo with Raina, in hopes that she will fall so desperately in love with him, that she will convince her father not to buy out Bass Industries.  Riiiiight . . . because THAT always works.  (And by “always,” I mean “never.”)  Chuck, I’m disappointed in you.  Clearly, you need Blair on your side to help you come up with better Diabolical Plans.

Chuck’s eyes are closed, because he’s sleeping through this scene . . . as are most fans.

Chuck’s duller than dishwater scheme hits a bit of a snag, when he learns that Russell Thorpe has hired Nate’s ex-con dad to do his dirty work for him.  So, Chuck stupidly requests that Raina fire him.  Insulted that Chuck would have the GALL to mix business with pleasure (Clearly, this chick has never watched Gossip Girl before.)  Raina kicks Chuck out of her bed . . . for about an hour.  Then she takes him back.  *Yawn*

Speaking of Nate’s Coke addicted loser of a Papa . . . The Captain of Douchebaggery . . .

 . . . he’s positively SHOCKED that his son would even THINK that he, of all people, would sabotage Chuck’s business interests, while working for his corporate enemy.  So, the morally outraged Captain moves out of Nate’s house.  And then . . . wait for it . . . he tells Russell Thorpe that he is willing to sabotage Chuck’s business interests.  SURPRISE!

Eric Finally Gets His Own Plotline!  (YAY!) Too Bad its One That Makes Him Look Like a Gullible Moron (BOO!)

The Awkward Moment when you come home, to find your Ex-Boyfriend and your Mom engaged in an in-depth conversation about your Love Life, or lack thereof . . .

This week, we learn that, even though Eric CLAIMS to have been spending time with his boyfriend, Elliot, they actually broke up weeks ago.  (Way to spill the beans to Mom, LAME-O Ex Beau, Jonathan!)  Instead, Eric has been spending his time filling up on sleeping pills, and hanging out with Drug Dealing Damien — the same guy who (1) almost KILLED Serena, by dealing the drugs Juliet used to knock the poor girl unconscious; AND (2) almost date raped his former bestie, Little J a.k.a. Raccoon Zombie.

He’s still hot though . . . which, come to think of it, may be why Eric likes him so much.

Eric eventually comes clean to his family about what he’s been doing, these past few weeks.  But, alas, Mini van der Woodsen is SO very lonely, that when Drug Dealing Damien calls him, in the last few moments of the episode, with offers to “be his friend,” Eric accepts the invitation without a single moment of questioning or hesitation.  Well, this certainly doesn’t look good . . .

Speaking of Drug Dealing Damien, his Call of Friendship to Eric seems to be in response to a recent threat he received from Ex Con,  Ben (or, as I like to call him, Professor Pedophile) who warned the Triple D to stay away from Serena’s family, even thoughProfessor Pedo claimed earlier in the episode that he had “no romantic feelings for Serena, AT ALL.”

“That’s not really true, Serena.  I dreamed about you in prison . .  .  every single time I dropped the soap.”

Regarding the Happily Now-Of-Age Sort-of / Kind of Couple . . .

Serena is in love AGAIN!  (It must be a Monday!)

It appears that Eric isn’t the only van der Woodsen that’s a Glutton for Punishment.  No matter that Ben had Nate’s dad beat up in prison, and hired his own sister to basically ruin Serena’s life for the entire first half of the season, Serena is positively smitten with Professor Pedo.  And when he tells her that he’s leaving town in a few days to start an Organic Farm in Ithaca (?)  (Oh, Professor, you are SO on the wrong show!), Serena is positively heartbroken.  She’s even more shocked to learn that Professor Pedo isn’t living on his friend’s couch, as he mentioned, but at a Super Seedy Halfway House  . . .

It should, perhaps, be noted that Serena defines a “Super Seedy Halfway House” as anything below 80th street  . . .

At the Gossip Girl Fancy Party of the Week, Serena’s affection for Professor Pedo grows, when he offers some “fatherly” (hint, hint, wink, wink) advice to Eric about staying away from drug dealers like Damien (and ex cons, like himself, and the Captain of Douchebaggery).  Then, Ben actually goes so far as to REJECT Serena’s romantic advances.  This nearly sends the Masochistic, Serial Dumping, S to her knees, with orgasmic pleasure. 

“Yes . . . yes . . . yes!  Reject me!  Say you hate me!  Treat me like crap, and try to have me murdered!  MORE!  MORE!  MORE!”

So, of course, Serena is flabbergasted, though not exactly surprised, to find that Evil Mommy Dearest Lily (who redeemed herself in fans eyes for precisely two seconds, by getting Ben released from jail) had tried, once again, to use her money and influence to keep Professor Pedo out of the van der Woodsen’s lives for good. 

Ben refuses the money, however.  And this prompts Rufus to take him on as a tenant.  Serena is POSITIVELY THRILLED with this new development.  But it just makes me nervous . . . really nervous. 

And that’s all I’ve got on Damien Darko.  But, of course, I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts on the episode!

Until next time . . . XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

It’s All “Relative” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Kids Are Not All Right”

Welcome Back, GGers!  I’ve MISSED you!  Heck, I’ve missed ALL my favorite Upper East Siders!  It’s definitely been a long and dark December, without a hint of gossip, a dollop of scandal, or a heaping helping of Limosine Sex, to keep me warm . . .

And, honestly, I think it’s BECAUSE I missed this show, and these characters, so much, that I had such a great deal of trouble sitting down to write this recap.  You see, I really, REALLY wanted to kick off the second half of the fourth season of Gossip Girl, by writing an energetic, fun, and, above all, extremely positive, recap, of which I could truly be proud.  But then, I watched this episode . . . and . . . well . . .

 . . . Suffice it to say, I had some “less than positive” things to say about it.

OK . . . I know what you’re thinking!  I can practically feel you rolling your eyes at me from your computer screen . . .

Your thinking to yourself, of course SHE didn’t like the episode!  SHE is a crazed, unapologetically biased, Chair Fan.  And “The Kids Are Not All Right,” not only featured virtually NO interaction between Chuck and Blair whatsoever, it also depicted both characters getting “friendly” with other members of the opposite sex, from OTHER “Ships.”

Good point!  But it’s not ALL about that!  REALLY!  I mean, surely, I’ve enjoyed at least SOME GG episodes that didn’t feature solid Chuck and Blair scenes in them. 

I mean . . . I can’t really think of any right now.  But I’m willing to bet they exist! 🙂

In all seriousness, it was the STORYLINES of “The Kids Are Not All Right” that really bugged me:  Another “Battle for Bass Industries” . . . 

 

 . . . another situation, where Blair schemes to get some “prestigious” internship with some fancy One-Week-Wonder Guest Star, only to have it ultimately blow up in her face . . .

 .  .  another storyline where Dan fumbles a “great” opportunity, because he’s too busy following Serena around like a puppy dog to care about his own life . . .  

 . . . another Nate’s Deadbeat Dad storyline . . . COME ON, Gossip Girl!  These aren’t the fun, sexy, and uniquely scandalous storylines that have kept us coming back, week after week, for FOUR YEARS NOW!

That being said . . . I thought a lot about how I could write this recap, and keep it “positive.”  I explored a lot of options.  I even considered MAKING UP STUFF, and pretending that it happened in the episode — thereby, turning this “recap” into what would essentially be a glorified Chair fanfiction . . .

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

And that’s when it hit me .  . .

I don’t NEED to insert any fake Chair scenes into this episode, because this episode is ALREADY ALL about Chair . . . and (unfortunately, for me, because I’m a Serenate fan) Derena.  Specifically, “The Kids Are All Right” is about how these two seemingly volatile couples are both essentially DESTINED to be the “Endgame” in Gossip Girl world! 

(Suddenly, I’m liking this episode a WHOLE lot better . . .)

Confused?  Allow me to help you examine “The Kids Are Not All Right” from what I’d like to call the “Chair Perspective.”  (Oh, and for those of you who aren’t Chair fans, you may want to skip down to the words THE END at the bottom of this VERY Chair-full recap section.  I don’t want to make you any madder at me, than you probably already are. ;))

The Chair Perspective – Blair’s Path to Greatness

Remember “The Witches of Bushwick” episode?  If so, then you probably recall how Chuck and Blair FINALLY mutually confessed their love for one another, only to break up outside the Empire Hotel, moments later, so that Blair could try and “find herself.”  Here are some of the “highlights” of that heartbreaking scene:

BLAIR:  “I followed my heart all last year, and it got me no where.  Now I need to follow my head . . . I have to be Blair Waldorf, before I can be Chuck Bass’ Girlfriend.

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

BLAIR:  “I love you too . . . I don’t expect you to wait.”

CHUCK: “If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”

A pointless breakup of two soulmates, you say?  ABSOLUTELY!  🙂  And yet, the above scene is very meaningful, in terms of this episode!  You see, Blair always knew she didn’t want to simply follow in her mother’s footsteps, or live off her family’s wealth. 

Blair wants to chart her own path, and be a successful, powerful woman, in her own right.  But, up until this point, she had NO CLUE what that path was!  That’s why she always got her ideas for internships and extracurriculars activity ideas out of Forbes Magazine, as opposed to by picking her own brain.  Yet, this week, with the help of her new buddy, Dan (Yes, I said Dan . . . and “buddy,” of course) as well as the support of her mother, Blair, for lack of a better term, finally figured out what she “wants to be when she grows up.” 

Chair Fans, Blair Waldorf is destined to be the next Anna Wintour!   

She’s the editor of Vogue, in case you were wondering.

And once Blair is confident that she can successfully achieve that goal, she will be ready to begin the lifelong relationship with Chuck that we all know she is destined to have.  In real life, “finding yourself” can take years, maybe even a lifetime!  But in TV land, it takes approximately “four episodes” . . . 

“If two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back [to eachother],” says Chuck Bass. 

And, if my predictions are correct, Blair should be “back” to Chuck in four-to-six episodes . . .  Sound good?

But What About Chuck?

Chuck may not have been as adamant about it as Blair was, but he also needs to find himself, before he can enter into a livelong relationship with Blair.  Unlike his soulmate, who has spent her whole life striving for success, Chuck merely allowed it to be handed to him.  The Chuck Bass we met during Seasons 1 and 2, cared little about academics, and only slightly more about his father’s business and finances.  He was much more interested in booze and sex. 

Chuck inherited Bass Industries.  He never had to work for it.  And in the first few months of his ownership of the company, he squandered his wealth and the company’s good name.  So, his stepmother, Lily had to step in, and take the reigns for him. 

Now Chuck is at risk to lose Bass Industries once again.  And this time, Lily can’t help him.  This time, Chuck must prove to himself, (and to rest of New York City) that HE is not just the slacker son of a Real Estate Magnate, but a force to be reckoned with — an adult, who is capable of running a successful Empire (and Empire Hotel, of course).  Only when Chuck has accomplished this, will he feel truly worthy of Blair, or at least, of the strong powerful business woman that she is destined to become.

This is why this whole (admittedly snoozy) Bass Industries storyline, is essential to the Chair Endgame.  It is forcing Chuck to prove himself, in a professional way, and on his own merits, without his parents, step-parents, or his slimy older brother to lift him up, if he falls.

So what’s the deal with Dair?  (And why are Chuck and Serena getting so pal-y all the sudden?  Because, that’s just creepy!)

Watching Dan interact with Serena this week, proved to me that he and Blair are in effectively the same place, in terms of their respective relationships.  Both Dan and Blair are more studious, and hardworking than their counterparts.  And yet, they also tend to sacrifice more of their own success and happiness for that of their significant others, due to their generally giving (albeit, slightly judgmental) natures.  Blair mentioned in “The Witches of Bushwick” that she followed her heart for a year, and it got her nowhere.  Dan might have said the same thing, if he had more lines, during that episode . . .

No less than THREE times, during this episode, Dan gave up his own plans, and even a JOB INTERVIEW, to cater to Serena’s whim.  And each time, she DITCHED HIS ass!  To echo Blair’s now-iconic words, Dan REALLY needs to become Dan Humphrey, before he can become Serena van der Woodsen’s boyfriend!  And who better to help him chart that path (platonically, I hope!), than the one woman who wants to achieve the exact same thing, for herself?

We know that Dan helped Blair out this week, by letting her know that she was a “Dictator of Taste,” someone who let people know, in no uncertain terms, that “tights are NOT pants” (Nice Season 1 reference, Humphrey!)  This, of course, helped Blair to figure out that she wanted to one day become the Editor (Editrix?) of a Fashion Magazine

But Blair helped Dan too!   She told Serena, that she couldn’t keep stringing her poor dopey dog of a boyfriend on such a short leash, and just expect him to roll over and play dead for her, forever.  And it was this conversation between the two besties, that ultimately allowed Serena to see the sh*tty way she was treating Dan.  Basically, it convinced her to break things off with him now, so the pair could get back together, later.  (Sound familiar?)

In essence, Serena’s breakup with Dan this week, almost perfectly mirrored Chuck’s with Blair, in “The Witches of Bushwick,” in that both pairs needed to find themselves, individually, in the short term, to salvage their relationships, in the long term.  “We either sink or swim.  We won’t get another chance,” Serena tells Dan.  “So, when we try again, we better be ready.”

This brings us to Serena and Chuck.  (YES!  They are related . . . in more ways than one. :))

Like Chuck, Serena has never been exactly what you would call, “ambitious.”  Both Upper East Siders have reputations for being hard partiers, and more than a bit slutty . . . *cough the Raccoon Zombie Sex Incident cough*  Up to this point, both Chuck and Serena have gotten where they are in life, through a mix of good luck, and unadulterated nepotism. 

So, while Chuck needs to break free from Lily, to prove to himself he can run Bass Industries on his own, Serena needs to break free from her mother too, to prove to herself that she’s more than just the van der Woodsen heiress getting wasted on page 6 of the Post, she’s her own Slutty  Person!  So, Chuck and Serena can help one another achieve their goals, in the same way that Dan and Blair can help one another achieve their’s.

And when that’s all said and done (hopefully, in approximately four episodes), . . .

 .  . . everything will be exactly how it’s supposed to be.  (Well, unless you prefer Serena with Nate, like I do.  But we can’t have EVERYTHING we want, can we?)

THE END(GAME)!

And now, for those other storylines I mentioned earlier. . .

Nate’s Dad is The Captain (of a Sinking Ship)

This question is specifically directed to those of you who have spent time in prison.  (Don’t worry, I won’t ask for names!)  Remember when Nate’s dad, “The Captain” looked like THIS?

Well, what the heck HAPPENED to him in the pokey, that he now looks like Uncle Fester, from the Addams Family?

You might have just assumed that the ACTOR (Sam Robards) who plays “The Captain” has merely lost his hair, and put on a few pounds, since we last saw him.  But, really, FOUR YEARS is NOT THAT LONG!  I think the costume department suggested this “new look” for Howard Archibald.  My question is, “Why?” 

I always thought folks in TOUGH High Security Prisons (where “wrongly accused” teachers got other inmates to beat the crap out of you, just to “teach their baby sister a lesson)” did nothing all day, but lift weights, do push ups, run laps around the track, and try not to drop the soap in the communal shower.  But apparently, I was mistaken.  Is prison food really THAT good?  Just saying . . .

So, anyway, The Captain is living with Nate, and has basically become a total leech, and waste of life.  Rather than abide by the conditions of his parole, and get a job, “The Captain” prefers instead to boink the help (who are helpfully clad in French Maid Halloween costumes, just in case we couldn’t figure out what they did for a living), and play Nate’s Wii in his hotel apartment. 

The Captain later tells Nate that this is because he’s “too good” for janitor work.  Nate, understandably doesn’t buy it.

 

And yet, “The Captain” seems to catch a TOTALLY undeserved career break, when the EEEEEVVVILL Russell Thorpe hires him to do . . . well . . .  heck if I KNOW!  Whatever it is, I strongly suspect that “The Captain’s” undoubtedly job description will end up making janitors look like Mother Theresa, by comparison . . .  (I don’t buy for a second, that Russell didn’t know about The Captain’s incarceration, just because he used to live in Chicago, instead of NYC.  Do you?)

Speaking of Bass Industries (and Russell Thorpe) . . .

Upon learning that Lily has designs on selling his company out from under Chuck’s nose, Chuck seeks out the help of a man who used to be business associates with his father, a Chicago Tycoon, named Russell Thorpe.

What Chuck doesn’t know, at least, until the end of the episode, is that Lily was actually selling the business to a benevolent third party, who would keep the Bass name in tact, and prevent the now-financially destitute company from going up on the auction block.  Oh, and that “friend” of Bart Bass, Russell Thorpe?  He actually HATED Chuck’s dad with a passion!  (Who didn’t, right?)  So, of course, upon learning from Chuck that Bass Industries is being sold, Thorpe blocks the sale, so that HE can buy the company at auction price, and sell it for parts, as a form of revenge against the dearly departed (Debarted?) Bart.

How does Chuck respond to this total threat to his financial health, and good name, you ask?  Well, by SCREWING Russell’s daughter, Raina, of course! 

Screwing people, after all, IS what Chuck Bass does best!  (Just ask Blair!)

But Chuck Bass isn’t the only one, who has seemingly misread Lily van der Woodsen’s intentions.   Serena screwed up as well.  With Chuck’s help (and armed with Lily’s Glamour Shots-looking passport) . . .

(Seriously, who’s passport photo actually LOOKS like this?  Mine is so scary looking, it actually breaks MIRRORS, when I leave it to close to them!)

  . . . Serena somehow convinces a clearly BLIND bank manager that she is her 40-something year old mother, and that Chuck is her SON!

Way to keep the storylines plausible, Writers!

This allows Serena and Chuck to go digging through Lily’s safety deposit box at the bank.   And, lo and behold, in there they find the fake affidavit that Lily signed on Serena’s behalf,  to put Juliet’s brother Professor Ben away for a sex act he didn’t commit.  (Actually, Professor Ben may be the ONLY man on the East coast who HASN’T slept with Serena . . .)

Chuck and Serena plan to show this affidavit to the judge who originally signed off on it, and prove to him that it’s a fraud, thereby ensuring Ben’s release.  And yet, the Judge seems to have flown the coop .  . . or has he?  With Little Eric van der Woodsen’s help, Serena learns that the Judge had been staying at the Empire at Lily’s behest, but has now left town.  Could Lily have been paying the judge off, to stay hidden, so that her daughter couldn’t FIND HIM?

THE HORROR!

When Serena confronts Lily with the incriminating affidavit, at the episode’s Fancy Party of the Week, Lily balks at the idea that she has done anything wrong.  And yet the argument, causes a stir among the partygoers, illustrating publicly the unrest that exists between the Bass-van der Woodsen families.  And it is this unrest that Russell Thorpe is ultimately able to capitalize on, when he is making a play for Bass Industries . . .

And yet, as it turns out, Lily ends up not being as BIG of an A**HOLE as we once thought she was!  Because, at the end of the episode, when Serena goes back to the jail to visit Ben, she learns that Judge in question has already released him from jail, thanks to the presumably well-intentioned efforts of Lily, herself.

But, you know, Serena!  This girl is absolutely incapable of ending an episode, without doing something self-destructive and stupid.  And so, she meets up with former-convict Ben (who is creepily waiting for her outside the jail, even though he was released HOURS ago), and invites him for sex coffee.  Need I remind you that this is the same guy who “hired” his baby sister to ruin Serena’s life, not to mention, the same guy who had The Captain ground to a pulp, by his fellow inmates, just to keep that same baby sister in line, when she started to develop a conscience?

Oh, Serena!  You SURE know how to pick ’em! 

Until next time, folks . . . XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Adventures in REALLY Bad Parenting – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Townie”

“OK . . . when MY family looks like the most functional one on the show . . . something is VERY wrong.”

Remember, back in the old days, of television teen dramas, when parents were seen, and not heard?

“Jim, it’s 9:53 p.m.  Time to sit on Brandon’s bed, and teach him the Moral of the Episode.”

I mean, sure.  They had their own lives.  Sometimes, they even had their own usually boring storylines!  But, aside from giving the kids their regularly scheduled groundings, and offering some “sage advice” toward the end of the episode, when it came to teen dramas, TV Parents’ and TV Kids’ lives rarely intertwined. 

Well, boys and girls, those days are over.  It’s 2010 (almost 2011).  And, that means your TV Parents can ruin your lives, just as easily as your ex-boyfriends and frenemies can . . .

Be afraid . . . be very afraid.

Let’s recap, shall we?

A Very Dair Roadtrip

“So, this is what Middle Class Suburbs look like!  I’ve read about them in books, but didn’t believe they actually existed.”

When we last left Blair, she had just found herself an unlikely co-star to act alongside of her in The Rescue Serena Saga, Part 542.  That ally was . . . wait for it . . . Dan.

“Yeah, I’m as confused as you are.”

The first stop on the pair’s Random Couple World Tour was the Ostroff Center, where Serena had voluntarily committed herself for a drug binge she didn’t commit . . . well . . . at least not on purpose.  The two hope to spring Serena from the pokey, so that the three of them can work together to bring Juliet down for drugging “S,” and making her look like the female version of Charlie Sheen . . .

S and CS:  Separated at birth?

Blair and Dan are shocked to learn that Serena isn’t accepting ANY visitors at the center for 72 hours, not even best friends, or sort-of boyfriends (who she feigns deep attraction for, when the script requires it).  And so, our Upper East Side Scooby Gang’s resident Daphne and Velma . . .

Bet you can’t guess which one I think is Velma! 😉

 . . . decide to bring down Juliet, all by their lonesome.  But where can she be? 

In a moment of stupefying plot convenience, Blair and Dan turn directly to THE Gossip Girl for help.  And, because:

 (1) without the Upper East Side Scooby Gang, Gossip Girl wouldn’t have her SAG card;

(2) Gossip Girl hates Juliet as much as the fans do, ever since that biatch hooked up with Dullnessa and the Raccoon Zombie; and

(3) in addition to her vast network of snoopers around NYC, the Hamptons, and Paris, Gossip Girl also, apparently, is friends with some random Mail Guy in suburban Connecticut . . .

 . . . the show’s narrator quickly responds to Dan’s inquiry with Juliet’s current location, as well as a special request: “Find the b*tch!”

No one messes with Veronica Mars Gossip Girl, and lives to tell the tale . . .

So, off Blair and Dan head on their first official roadtrip together.  While en route to Connecticut, the unlikely pair bicker like an old married couple (and I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way) . . .

Sexy!

Blair acts like the quintessential backseat driver, cleverly noting that, if she put her feet through the floor of Dan’s ancient car, and started running, they would arrive at their destination faster than with Dan’s turtle-esque driving . . .

Yabba, Dabba, Don’t!

Dan responds back that at least he knows how to drive, which is more than can be said for Blair.

Why drive yourself, when you can take a limo AND get laid at the same time?

Blair also astutely notes that Lonely Boy — a supposed “Brilliant Writer” — hasn’t exactly been Mr. Prolific Novelist of late, having spent all his spare time pining over Serena and Dullnessa and/or screwing  playing video games with his Ambiguously Gay Duo partner, Nate. 

Even I must admit that the fact that Blair, in her snide way, encourages Dan to nurture his passion for writing (something NOBODY else on this show, not even his parents, has cared enough to do yet), supports their compatibility as friends.  I repeat . . . FRIENDS!  (Can’t anybody have a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex on this show, anymore?)

Yeah  . . . you and the Raccoon Zombie don’t really count because she’s not really human.  Sorry, Buddy! 

Drugs = BAD!  Drug Dealing Damien = GOOD!

When Blair and Dan arrive at Juliet’s last known whereabouts, they are SHOCKED to walk into a HOUSE PARTY, where teens wear NON-DESIGNER CLOTHES . . . and listen to NELLY . . . and play POOL . . . and smoke GANJA . . . and drink CHEAP BEER.

SHE HAS A PIERCING!  OH, THE HORROR!

“We’re not in the Upper East Side anymore, Toto.”

 Although Blair and Dan are unable to locate Juliet at the party, they do find someone WAY BETTER (at least, in my opinion).

It’s Drug Dealing Damien!  Or, as I like to call him, Triple D-light!

You might remember Damien from his guest-starring role in The Only Storyline Where Raccoon Zombie was Mildly Likeable and/or Interesting.  Blair and Dan approach Damien, and the threesome decide to take a little stroll outside . . .  (Was I the only one who was kind of hoping they’d all smoke some weed together?  If any two people on this show need to loosen up, its Dan and Blair.)

“I beg to differ, TV Recapper.  Blair can be VERY loose, when she wants to be . . .”

Anyway  . . .

Through Damien (and some very goofy flashbacks) we learn that when Serena left town, after screwing Nate and accidentally sort of killing that Pete Guy, she briefly attended the Nightly School (Now, if that’s not a school name straight out of a porno, I don’t know what is), when Triple D-light was also matriculating there.  Apparently, before Drug Dealing Damien dropped out of school, and became the cool badass Jared Leto-lookalike he is now . . .

 . . . he was a surprisingly geeky Troy Bolton from High School Musical type (a.k.a. Zac Efron) . . .

Seriously, I can’t tell them apart!

 . . . who used to pine over Serena, and do her homework for her, while she drank absinthe, and badly danced around her dorm, like a hippy on LSD, or the lead in a straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge . . .

Unfortunately, I was unable to locate a GIF of Serena dancing like a drugged out dork, from this week’s episode.  So, just imagine her doing exactly what she’s doing in the GIF above . . . only BY HERSELF!

Absinthe:  Making people dance like drugged out dorks, since WAY before anyone from the cast of Gossip Girl was born!

In addition to knowing Serena in her pre – Gossip Girl days, Damien also knew Juliet, who was, as Damien described her, a Townie.  When Damien last saw Juliet, she made a MAJOR drug purchase from him — one which included some hardcore rufies.  Damien seems SHOCKED to learn that Juliet bought the drugs to gaslight, and almost, kill Serena. 

“I thought she was just throwing a party,” exclaims Damien.  (Ummmm . . . a Rufie Party?  Nice try, Damien.) 

If you weren’t so gosh darn attractive, I’d totally hate you, right now. 

Nevertheless, Damien seems genuinely concerned with Serena’s welfare.  In fact, Triple D-light feels guilty enough about his part in what happened to his former luuuuve, that he agrees to help Blair and Dan locate Juliet’s house.  As the threesome pile into Dan’s Clown Car, Juliet spots them, and hides under her steering wheel, like the cowardly b*tch she is.

“Awwww, CRAP!”

Once they are safely out of sight, Juliet calls Jailhouse Ben, and tells him that she plans to return to NYC to “finish this herself.”  Ben, who was the same psychopath who GOT NATE’S DAD BEAT UP IN PRISON, JUST SO JULIET WOULDN”T SLEEP WITH NATE (Seriously, writers, what were you thinking when you wrote that scene?), once again, has a crisis of conscience.  He warns Juliet not to hurt Serena AGAIN.  And then, when his baby sister hangs up on his ass  . . .

“You HUNG UP ON ME, Lil Sis?  Oh, I am so pulling your hair and giving you a wedgie, when I get home!”

 .  . . Ben yells to Nate (who has conveniently entered the jail to see his father, at that EXACT moment) that he has to go protect Serena from Juliet.  Unfortunately, Nate is genetically incapable of doing anything on his own . . .

“Individuality is HARD!  Where’s the other half of my Ambiguously Gay Duo when I need him?”

And, therefore, puts in a call to Dan and Blair, at Juliet’s house . . . so that they can change his diaper do the dirty work for him. 

Meanwhile . . .

The Scooby Gang Makes a Discovery . . .

“Don’t hate me, because I spawned Juliet.  It could have been worse.  I could have spawned Raccoon Zombie.”

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

 Moments after Dair and Triple D-light arrive at La Casa de Juliet, Juliet’s mom inexplicably, and conveniently, drops a bombshell on them.  As it turns out, Juliet’s brother Ben, who’s last name is “Donovan” taught at the Nightly School.  Then, he was fired and incarcerated for engaging in sexual relations with a young student named . . . you guessed it . . . Serena van der Woodsen.

DUH! SURPRISE!

I smell a flashback coming on . . .

Serena and Teacher Sitting in a Tree, F-U-C . . . (Well . . . you know the rest.)

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  Apparently, four years ago, Serena was the same slutty, hard-drinking, lousy student that she is today.  And yet, also like today (well, more like yesterday, or last week, or whenever those Professor Hotpants Colin episodes aired) . . .

Just refreshing your memory . . .

 . . . Serena soon found a reason to reform and become a “good girl.”  That reason was that she was Hot for Teacher.  And that teacher was Professor Hotpants Colin Mr. Donovan.  Suddenly, Serena and Ben were spending A LOT of time together, talking about books, and frolicking in the rain.

But things went south fast, when Mr. Donovan and Serena entered a hotel to seek shelter from the rain one night, and Serena propositioned Ben to get a room with her.  Ben, more or less, admitted that he shared Serena’s romantic feelings, but did not want to cross the line with her, due to her student status.  In a chat with her therapist at the Ostroff Center, Serena admits that this was her FIRST (and, possibly, only) romantic rejection EVER.  (Must be nice.)  After the encounter, Mr. Donovan and Serena basically broke contact with one another. 

So, basically, Ben and Serena never SCREWED.  And yet, Ben Donovan ended up in jail . . . with his crazy sister plotting revenge on his behalf.  Why?

Evil has a new name: Mom

Back in the Upper East Side, Juliet has magically beamed herself from Connecticut to New York in a matter of SECONDS!  She’s also instantly appeared in the bedroom of Serena’s high security rehab center.  (Juliet is clearly a vampire, ghost, or an extra from the cast of Star Trek.)  When Serena returns to her room, after her therapy session, and finds Juliet there, I get REALLY excited about the AWESOME Cat Fight, I just KNOW is going to break out. 

Then, I remember this is SERENA, and not Blair . . .

So, of course, nothing fun happens.  Juliet explains to Serena how, four years ago, a lawyer showed Ben an affidavit, supposedly signed by then-minor Serena, stating that Teacher Ben crossed state lines, and “statutorily raped” her. 

Serena’s “family” didn’t want news of the occurrence in the papers, so they struck a deal with Ben’s attorney.  Ben would get minimal jailtime, if he didn’t contest the charge.  He also wouldn’t appear on the Child Sex Offender Registry.  (You’ve got to love Gossip Girl writers, and their COMPLETE lack of knowledge, regarding anything relating the legal system.)  So, now, Ben is in jail for a crime he didn’t commit, and Juliet is out for revenge.  But, who signed Serena’s name on the affidavit, if not Serena, herself?

*Insert scary music here*

By the time Blair, Dan, and Drug Dealing Damien arrive back at the Upper East Side, Serena is home and hanging out, bizarrely enough, with Juliet, who she invites to her mother’s Snooty Party.

Ummmm, Serena.  What the heck is wrong with you?  Have you even watched this past season of Gossip Girl?  Do you have any idea how much crap this evil biatch has done to you?

And yet, Serena is determined to confront her mother, about what she did to Ben, and by extension, to Serena.  So, the crew heads down to the party.  There, they encounter Eric, who hilariously confronts Drug Dealing Damien for the first time since that whole “Make Jenny into a Drug Dealer” Incident.

“Are you looking for another virgin to be your drug mule?”  Eric asks Triple D-light conversationally.

“I was going to say, ‘Why?  Are YOU available?’ but I won’t, because I’m leaving,” snarks Damien, before exiting stage left. 

(Man, I love that guy!)

Serena confronts her mother, and tries to talk to her privately about the Statutory Rape Affidavit.  But Lily blows her off, trying desperately to keep up the appearance that she comes from a loving and happy family.  So, Serena gets her mother’s attention the only way she knows how, by publicly humiliating her. 

Then, the entire Non Judging Breakfast Club (and Juliet and Rufus) confront Lily about what she has done.  B*tchface has NO QUALMS whatsoever about admitting that she brought charges against Ben — based on rumor alone — so that the private schools back in NYC would take pity on Serena, despite her crap grades and generalized sluttiness.

“This is incredibly stressful for me.  I need a drink.  Anyone got some absinthe?”

At this point, everyone is looking at Lily, as though, they want to tie her to a chair and force her to watch weeks and weeks of  Jersey Shore marathons on television.  And yet, Lily finds an unlikely ally in, who else, but THE Chuck Bass . . .

“I RULE!”

Chuck (stupidly) argues that it is TOTALLY OK that Lily sent an innocent man to prison, so her daughter can get into private school, because, “Everyone does things to protect the people they love.”

“Watch Chuck wear protection, while inside the woman he loves.”

But then RUFUS, of all people, pops Chuck’s “I Heart Lily” bubble, by spilling the beans that his Darling Wife plans to sell The Empire Hotel out from right under Chuck’s nose!

This is despite the fact that Chuck DEEDED the Hotel to Lily TEMPORARILY because she was “family,” and he TRUSTED her to manage it, during the short time in which he was unable to do so.  Chuck, of course, is disgusted.  Rufus is disgusted.  Everyone is disgusted.  (That’s a lot of disgust for single scene!)

As for Juliet, she agrees to leave Serena alone, after “S” promises to get her brother out of jail.

SAYONARA, SUCKA!

Cut to . . .

ONE WEEK LATER  .  . .

It is during these last few moments of the episode, when the most shocking events of the hour occur . ..

(1) The Non Judging Breakfast Club COOKS a CHRISTMAS DINNER, WITHOUT MAIDS . . . or DOROTA!

“Prepare for the end.  The apocalypse has clearly arrived.”

(2) To take the Empire back from Lily, Chuck decides to form an alliance with . . . JACK BASS!

“I’m BAAAAACK!”

(By the way, before Chuck left the dinner, he said what, in my opinion, was the funniest line of the ENTIRE episode, “Goodbye Friends . . . and Dan.”)

Apparently, Blair thought it was funny too . . .

(3) Serena visited the Much-Less-Creepy-Than-We-Originally-Thought (except for the whole Getting Nate’s Dad Beat Up Thing) Ben.  She did so by herself, after Dan turned down her roadtrip invitation (which, in and of itself, is kind of shocking, when you think about it).

“Rejected twice in a single episode.  Oh, the humanity!”

(4) Nate made the HUGE mistake of allowing his drug addict felon father move in with him, upon being released from jail.

Yeah, that’s not going to end well . . .

And, finally . . . the most SHOCKING of all . . .

(5) Dan and Blair admit that they have the same taste in DOCUMENTARIES!

They also WASH DISHES . . . BY HAND . . . TOGETHER!

“You’re telling me that Blair knows how to wash dishes?  BULLSH*T!”

Is there nothing sacred in the Upper East Side, anymore?

And, since, there won’t be any new Gossip Girl episodes until January 24th . . .

We feel your pain, Blair!

 . . . and since this episode was all about flashbacks, I invite you to take a trip down Memory Lane — and whet your whistle for next year’s Gossip Girl episodes — by watching this very well-done fan video (created by theunwrittenpast), which features memorable clips from the show’s groundbreaking first season . . .

Until next year . . . xoxo!

[www.juliekushner.com]

“A Rose by Any Other Name . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Rose”

Wow!  This has been a FABULOUS week for me and my favorite TV Relation “Ships.”  First, on Monday’s Gossip Girl, Chuck and Blair FINALLY put aside their differences (well . . . sort of), and engaged in a session of HOT HATE SEX . . .

 Then, tonight, on The Vampire Diaries, Damon FINALLY told Elena he loved her, and then proceeded to make the ultimate sacrifice for her: that of his own happiness.

This all just makes me SO HAPPY!  And you know what it makes me want to do?  It makes me want to DANCE!

But enough about ME, we’re here to talk about Elena .  . . and “Rose” . . .

The Rise and Fall of a Masked Avenger

When we last left Elena, she was being carted away by  . . . well . . . Whatever the Heck This is . . .

In the first few moments of the episode, Masked Avenger Dude reveals himself to be a rather furry man — one who bears a startling resemblance to This Guy . . .

Please, Carrot Top Doppelganger, put the mask BACK ON!

NotCarrotTop drives an unconscious Elena to a deserted field.  Once there, he parks his black van next to another one, completely identical to it.  When NotCarrotTop approaches the other vehicle, a voice from behind its half open window instructs him to transfer Elena from the trunk of the first car, into the backseat of the second.

NotCarrotTop, possibly under compulsion, performs the simple task, but is then moronic enough to ask The Voice if he requires any further assistance.  The Voice tells NotCarrotTop to come closer.  And NotCarrotTop, who has clearly NEVER read Little Red Riding Hood, as a child, complies . . . and dies.

With all the expedience of a patron at the drive thru at McDonald’s, The Voice (who we later learn is named “Trevor”) devours NotCarrotTop completely, without EVER HAVING TO OPEN HIS CAR DOOR!

Now THAT’S what I call “fast food.”  Can I, perhaps, interest you in a wet napkin for your face?

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Mini Gilbert has just learned that Elena never came home from the Masquerade Ball the night before.  He’s not worried though . . .

“Go ELENA!  Getting some nooky from STEFAN!  Wait a minute . . . did I just congratulate my sister on having sex?  Yuck!  Who the hell do I think I am, Aunt Jenna?”

Tyler’s a Tool (but he’s growing on us . . .)

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (at least, I think that’s where they were – though it very well may have been Caroline’s house . . .), Damon and Caroline discuss what on earth could possibly possess our favorite Baby Vamp to cover for a very “toolish” Baby Were Tyler, after the latter killed Slutty Sarah, and went all Teen Wolf on her ass.

We start to suspect that Caroline has “caught the feelings” for Wolfman, when she admits to Damon that she “felt bad for him,” after he “murdered that Big Fat Whore innocent teenage girl.” And yet, what really gives it away, is when Miss Forbes describes the creepy Village of the Damned eyes that Tyler was sporting during the transition as, “bronze with flecks of gold highlights,” or something equally schmoopy.

“OMG Damon!  Werewolves are SO DREAMY!  I don’t know what’s hotter, their hairy backs, or their long yellow toenails . . .”

Having recently become a victim of LOOOOOOVE himself . . . (hint, hint, wink, wink) . . . Damon knows just how debilitating (and TOTALLY AWESOME) such feelings can be.  And so, he leaves Caroline with a little helpful advice. 

“He can’t know about us, Caroline.  A werewolf bite can kill a vampire!”

“Even if it’s just a hickey?”

At school for the first time in about four episodes (Seriously!  These kids NEVER go to class!  Where’s a truancy officer, when you need him?), Tyler is visibly shaken by the posters on the wall featuring a “Dead at the Bottom of Some Ravine Missing Slutty Amy,” as well as a makeshift memorial, situated in front of Slutty Sarah’s locker.  So upset is Tyler, that when he tries to open his locker, the latch breaks off in his hand.  (Don’t you just HATE when that happens?)

When Caroline runs into Tyler in the hallway, she offers him a few words of encouragement, but then gives him the slip, when he tries to question her about the events of the previous night.  Tyler runs into Caroline again, at the end of the day, outside the school bus.  But when she gives him the brush off a second time, he makes the mistake of getting a little grabby with her . . .

OK . . . this girl is officially too cool for words!

Having been beaten up by a girl, and, TOTALLY humiliated, “Mr. Superhuman Strength” Tyler decides to pick on someone his own size and strength . . . a poor defenseless trashcan . . .

“Hey, buddy, what gives?  Do I go throwing YOUR home around, everytime I have a Bad Day?”

When Caroline arrives back home, she is again accosted by Tyler, who has somehow managed to break into her home.  (Umm . . . how romantic?)

When Tyler tells Caroline that he suspects her of also being a werewolf, based on her insane strength and her general lack-of-freak-outedness over Tyler’s murderous tendencies, Caroline LAUGHS IN HIS FACE!  (Again, I LOVE THIS GIRL!)  Tyler responds by pushing Caroline up against a wall (KINKY!).  But Caroline gets the best of him a third time, by vamping out on his ass!

“I’m not a werewolf,”  Caroline explains calmly.

Perhaps, against her better judgment, Caroline eventually tells Tyler that she’s a vampire (not that anyone who’s ever seen True Blood or a Twilight movie wouldn’t already know that).  However, she is smart enough not to out Stefan or Damon in her confession.  Later Caroline and Tyler share a little liquor (Apparently, it helps with the whole “Supernatural Rage” thing), and discuss symptoms of their “otherness.”  For example, Tyler often gets hot . . .

But we already KNEW that. . .

 . . . and Caroline gets emotional . . .

We knew THAT too . . .

“You can’t tell anyone, Tyler.  No one will understand,” Caroline warns the Baby Were, more or less echoing Damon’s words from earlier in the episode (which, of course, she completely IGNORED).

“I have no one to tell,” Tyler admits dejectedly.  “Next full moon, I’m going to turn . . . and I’m scared.”

Then Tyler does something I NEVER thought I’d see him do . . . he cries.  So, Caroline pulls him in for a tender embrace, while whispering comforting words in his ear.  And it is the second sweetest thing I saw all episode.  (Of course, you all know what the FIRST one is . . .)  WAY TO GO, TEAM TAROLINE!

“It’s Elena.”

Damon Salvatore, you can make Crazy Eyes at me, any time you want!

Back at school, Jeremy, who still thinks Elena spent the night at Stefan’s congratulates him on a “job well done.”  Then he tells the broody vamp, that he might not have to keep covering for the couple, because Aunt Jenna seems so very cool with their loud boning, even when its underneath her own roof.  SERIOUSLY?  What is with these Gilberts and their inappropriate interest in one another’s sex lives?

“So, Stefan, what’s yours and Elena’s favorite sexual position?  Vampire Anna and I always really liked 69, but my sister always struck me as the ‘missionary’ type.”

Creeped outedness aside, Stefan is starting to seriously worry about Elena, because he KNOWS she wasn’t with him the night before.  In fact, they were “broken up” at the time.  So, Stefan decides to confront Damon about what really went down between him and Katherine, when he was supposedly locking her in the tomb . . .

“Hey, I heard about your little ‘Halloween Costume Trick.’  Not cool, Big Bro.  My hair does NOT look like that!”

“OK . . . maybe it does . . . but still . . . NOT COOL!”

Damon insists that he did shut Katherine up in that tomb, just as he promised.   However, he also recounts to Stefan, Katherine’s cryptic words about Elena being “in danger.”  “And you didn’t think to ask her, if she’d care to elaborate?”  Stefan snarks.

“It’s Katherine.  She lies all the time!  How was I supposed to know she was actually telling the truth, for once?”

Stefan, immediately, decides to reopen the tomb and interrogate Katherine as to why Elena might be in danger.  But Damon thinks that’s a TERRIBLE idea.   (And so do I . . .)

“Duh!”

“She’ll negotiate her release.  We’ll let her out.  And then she will have us all killed,” Damon argues, quite reasonably, I think.

But Stefan cares not for rational thought, “Its Elena,” he replies matter of factly.

At school, Stefan (Didn’t he drop out, last season?) asks Bonnie to do a spell to reopen Katherine’s tomb.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . because that turned out SO WELL last time.)

If you recall, it was the first opening of the tomb, that killed Bonnie’s Granny, and caused Bonnie to turn from Elena’s Sweet Gal Pal into Raging BWitch.  So, I thought for sure that when Stefan made this RUDE request of her, she would totally go all Firestarter on his ass . . .

But she didn’t.  Instead Bonnie merely offered an alternative solution.  And it was actually a good one! 

Using Jeremy’s blood . . .

“Stefan . . . Damon . . . it’s dinner time!  Come and get it!”

 .  . . Bonnie is somehow able to conjure up the captured Elena’s whereabouts on a map.  Sure, it causes Bonnie to get a bloody nose.  But what’s a little MORE blood among Hungry Vampires, right?

Of course, Scrappy Doo Gilbert wants to come along on Magical Journey to Rescue Elena #242.  But Papa Stefan, of course, says, “No.” 

“You can’t do this alone,” counters Jeremy.

Then Damon magically appears . . .

*Sigh!*

“He’s not,” responds Hot Stuff.

“You’re coming with me?”  Stefan inquires, surprised.

“It’s Elena,” responds one half of the Delena duo, echoing Stefan’s earlier words.

(BTW, did you guys know “Delena” was recently inducted into the Urban Dictionary?  How friggin cool is that?  GO TEAM!)

I smell a ROAD TRIP!

“Just a Taste”

Somewhere East of Eden (I’m serious!  I pretty sure “Eden” was the name of the town where Jeremy’s blood said Elena was taken . . .), “Trevor,” a.k.a. Eater of NotCarrotTop, who is looking mighty hunky, now that his face isn’t covered in blood and guts, carries Elena into a creepy ramshackle house, that is randomly covered in lit candles.  (Now, either someone is DESPERATELY trying to get laid here, or no one bothered to pay the electric bill.  Did I mention it’s BROAD DAYLIGHT outside?)

“This Mood Lighting is nice and all, but it’s kind of unnecessary . . .  All Stefan has to do, usually, is look at me, and I’m immediately down for a good screw!  Just ask Aunt Jenna.“

Trevor then ties Elena up on the couch, and starts sniffing at her, like a dog in heat.

“Dude, you just ATE!  Stop being such a pig, or you’ll lose that girlish figure!”

“Just a taste,” promises Trevor, echoing the words of every failed dieter in the world!

Then, the titular “Rose” enters the room, and spoils all of Trevor’s fun.  “Trevor, control yourself,” Rose lectures sternly.

“Buzzkill,” mutters Trevor, like a petulant child.

Then, suddenly, although I honestly don’t recall her ever being untied, Elena is up and about, and chatting with Rose.

“How the heck did you get off that couch, Magic Lady?  I thought Trevor said he tied those ropes tight?  Idiot!  It just goes to show you, that just because someone eats boyscouts, doesn’t mean they can tie knots, like them.”

Just like everybody else on this show, Rose remarks about how much Elena looks Katherine.

 Well, they ARE played by the same person!  Duh!

But when Elena starts peppering Rose with annoying questions (“What do you want from me?”), Rose decides to pop her one, right in the mouth (“I want you to be quiet.”).

“Look!  I’m FLYING!  Whheeeeeeeee!”

The massive blow, knocks Elena unconscious.  But, of course, doesn’t leave so much of a scratch on that flawless face of hers.

“I’m too pretty to bruise.  Bruising is for NORMAL (a.k.a. Ugly) People . . .”

Upon regaining consciousness, Elena overhears Rose and Trevor, talking about some dude named Elijah . . .

Not that one . . .

 . . . to whom they are offering Elena, in exchange for their own freedom from persecution.  A little later, Elena and Rose hold their own little Plot Explanation Pow Wow.  During this exchange, Rose tells Elena that only the blood of Katherine Petrova’s Doppelganger can break the Moonstone Curse that Katherine created.  Apparently, this Elijah is one of the Volturi from Twilight First Vampires . . .

 . . . who Katherine majorly screwed over, by starting the Moonstone Curse, about 500 years ago.  Then, Rose and Trevor (well . . . Trevor . . . but Rose surpervised) helped Katherine escape the Volturi First Vampires, and, in doing so, painted big targets on their backs.  Tired of running from Dakota Fanning (and who could blame them?), Rose and Trevor, hope to exchange Elena for a “reduced sentence” of some sort from the First Vampires.

So, Katherine was TOTALLY telling the truth, that night in the tomb.  Go figure!

“Damn that Dakota Fanning!  She annoyed the crap out of me during War of the Worlds!  As soon as I get out of this Hidey Hole, B*tch is going down!”

(By the way, “Trevor” seemed like kind of a Mental Midget, during most of the episode, but I LOVED when he called Elena “Doppelicious.”  I may have to “borrow” that for future recaps . . .)

Bonnie gets more nose bleeds / uses a spell to pass Elena a note in class . . .

Thank you CW trailer for this VERY cheesy screencap.   I couldn’t have done it without you . . .

Back at the Gilbert home, in what was, for me, the only weak part of this AMAZING episode, Bonnie and Jeremy sat around making googly eyes at one another and playing with Bonnie’s Grimmore . . . Grinmore . . . Gremlin, whatever the heck she calls her spellbook.

“Hey, Mini Gilbert.  Since we are already in bed together, what do you say we try put that Sex Spell you seemed so excited about last week?”

During most of their scenes together this week, Bonnie is bitching to Jeremy about how she’s all alone at being a witch, and blah, blah, blah.  Likewise, Jeremy admits to being alone in his emo-ness.  I smell a LOVE CONNECTION! 

However, in a rare moment of NOT thinking about herself, Bonnie asks Jeremy for Elena’s hairbrush.  Apparently, Elena’s a dirty girl, who never cleans the hair out of her brush (I bet she clogs the heck out of the shower too!). 

But fear not!  This is GOOD NEWS!  There are enough luscious locks in Elena’s brush for Bonnie to perform a spell on a crumbled piece of notebook paper, causing it to burst into flames.  (Ummm . . . wouldn’t it have been easier to use a lighter, Firestarter?)

Although, just a few weeks back, Bonnie lit an entire PARKING LOT on fire, to get back at Damon for trying to kill a newly vamped out Caroline — burning this piece of paper is apparently too much for her.  It causes her to pass out, with more blood dripping from her nose.  Jeremy is understandably concerned, and rushes to touch her boobies get her some water . . .

But Bonnie ends up being fine.  And, more importantly, Elena, who is still locked away in that Creepy House with the Candles (Yet, she’s not tied up, which makes me wonder why she didn’t just walk out the door.), gets Bonnie’s message: “Stefan and Damon are coming for you.”

Road Trip Bonding

Kudos to my favorite vampire brothers for GENUINELY opening up to one another, during their little ride to Elena’s Rescue.  At first, they just made snarky small talk.  (“Boy, Alaric sure likes his weapons.”)  However, eventually, things got a lot more personal . . .

Initially, Damon seems reluctant to acknowledge the “roar of the Elephant in the room” (His terminology, not mine — Elephant are more whiny, than roar-y, don’t you think?)

“Whatever, Picky Recapper!  I’m a Vampire, not a Friggin Zoologist!”

However, Stefan seems surprisingly eager to talk about Damon’s love life, and specifically, his Big Bro’s desire to bone his “ex” girlfriend.  (Apparently, the Gilbert T.M.I. Syndrome must be contagious . . .)   “We both know [your going on this trip] has nothing to do with me . . .  You love [Elena], just as much as I do.”

Others (like Isobel and Katherine) have mentioned Damon’s love for Elena before, but never has he heard these words come out of his brother’s mouth.  It makes him uncomfortable.  “I can step out of this car, just like I stepped in,” remarks Damon defensively.

“That’s the beauty of it,” replies Stefan glibly.  “You can’t.”

Later, while Damon is chugging on his “juice box” of human blood, Stefan asks for a taste.  Damon looks skeptical.  So, Stefan comes clean about his gradual building up of a tolerance to human blood.  When Damon inquires as to where Stefan has been getting his daily fix, Stefan admits that it comes from Elena. 

“How romantic,” remarks a clearly jealous, Damon, undoubtedly recalling all the times when HE might have enjoyed a taste.

Like, for example, THIS one . . .

Eager not to fill his head with thoughts of his brother sucking on the woman he loves, Damon quickly changes the subject.  He opts instead to take a trip down memory lane.  “Remember when you were this Big Bad Vampire?”  Damon inquires.

“You mean more like you?”  Stefan retorts.

“Exactly . . . what happened to that guy?  He was a hoot!”

Stefan Salvatore:  A Real “Fun Guy!”

“I guess he found something else to live for,” remarks Stefan wisely.

(Hmmm . . . interesting . . . if Stefan used to be “just like Damon,” but he changed, due to finding a “higher purpose,” could Damon reform himself, as a result of his love for Elena?  And if he could, would we WANT him to?  After all, just like Rose admitted to Elena, when she talked of possibly being “set up” with Stefan, back in the day, I’m more of a sucker for the Bad Boy.  Always have been . . . always will be.)

Upon arriving at their destination, Damon is uncharacteristically cautious, warning Stefan that the vampires inside Creepy House with the Candles are over 500-years old and, therefore, VERY dangerous.  Is Stefan sure that he wants to do this?

“I can’t think of a better reason to die,” replies Stefan defiantly.

“Good line, Bro . . . INTENSE!  I’ll have to remember that one for later.”

Enter Elijah

Back in the Creepy House with the Candles, Trevor starts freaking out about the impending arrival of Evil Elijah. 

(Brief biblical note: In the Old Testament, Elijah is the guy that goes around to people’s houses during holidays, drinking their wine.  So, you’re always supposed to leave a place for him at the table . . . so he doesn’t drink YOURS.  Kind of a fitting name for a Thirsty Old Vampire, Don’t you think?)

“Hey Rose!  Great party!  Got anyone to drink?”

Elena must have developed a bit of Stockholm Syndrome, because she honestly seems to feel really bad for her captors, upon seeing the abject terror in their faces, when Elijah comes to the door.  Looking remarkably dapper in his expensive suit, and coiffed hairdo, Elijah walks around Creepy House with the Candles like he owns the place.  After twice promising Rose and her “pet,” Trevor, a pardon, in exchange for Elena, Elijah is introduced to Katherine’s doppelganger.  Upon smelling Elena (Seriously?  What’s with all these Sniffing, Vampires?  Just bite people.  It’s WAY sexier!), he confirms she is “human.”

Wisely, Elena makes a play for her own freedom, by offering to show Elijah where Katherine’s moonstone is, if he will let her go free.  But, Elijah’s no dummy either.  Ripping off Elena’s vervain necklace, Elijah compels Elena to tell him the moonstone’s whereabouts.  She does so helplessly, destroying her only bargaining chip, in the process.

Elena’s vulnerability to compulsion (something we have NEVER seen up to this point, as she has always been protected by vervain) will become important at the end of the episode.  It also confused me a bit, because I was certain that Elena, not only wore a vervain necklace, but also ate a steady diet of vervain, precisely to protect herself from this sort of thing. 

Well, if she hasn’t been eating vervain, I’m sure she will start now.  But if she has . . . could she have been FAKING?  I HOPE SO!  I HOPE SO!

Oh . . . and I almost forgot . . . Elijah totally decapitated Poor Trevor (though it’s honestly hard to call a maneater like that “poor”).  He did agree to let Rose live, however, which illustrates some moral principals on his part . . .

Suddenly, in a scene that harkened back to those cheesy CGI “fog and crow” scenes from the pilot episode, Damon and Stefan wisk themselves into Creepy House with the Candles, and start flying around the room at warp speed.  Stefan grabs Elena away from Elijah, and pushes her up against the wall, silently instructing her to be quiet.  Then Damon does the same thing to Rose.

Elena then pretends to willingly return to Elijah’s clutches.   And that’s when Alaric’s Arsenal of Crazy Vampire Weapons comes out to play.  There are Harpoons, and Balls of Fire, and Weird Guns that Shoot out Bolts of Light.  If Yoda was here, I would think I was watching a remake of Star Wars.

“The force is strong with you, Salvatores!”

Not much for Fancy Schmancy Weapons, the Old School Elijah, opts in stead for a good old fashioned stake, fashioned from the bannister of Creepy House with the Candles’ staircase, which he and Stefan have just tumbled down, during a rather energetic fight scene.  Damon likes old-fashioned weapons too.  And he sticks a MASSIVE PIECE OF BANNISTER right inside Elijah!

And, even though it was DAMON who dealt the final blow, it is into her “ex” boyfriend Stefan’s arms that Elena runs.  OUCH! 

To his credit, Damon is way cooler about the rejection than I would be.  He even manages to fake a smile at Elena, when she mouths her not-nearly-enough, under the circumstances, “Thank you,” to him, toward the end of the scene.

I know this is a picture of Angry Damon.  But, actually, I included it to show you what MY face looked like during the scene.  Damon WAS, as I said, smiling at the time . . .

Also, Elena told the boys not to kill Rose . . . See what I mean, about the “Stockholm Syndrome?” 

And yet, Rose, does in fact, seem to have good intentions at heart, when she approaches Stefan at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and offers to help him fend off the First Vampires, most notably, some dude called Klaus (who, anyone who read The Vampire Diaries books could tell you, is a Big Bad Guy.)  Apparently, Rose was good buds with Stefan’s now Dead-Dead pal Lexie, who, once upon a time, told Rose that Stefan was “one of the good ones.”  Now Sans Mental Midget Trevor, Rose also doesn’t want to be alone . . .

“I Needed My Brother.”

Not wanting to be alone . . . That was a real theme running throughout this episode, wasn’t it?  Think about it . . . loneliness was something shared by Tyler and Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy, Rose . . . and . . . well I guess she really IS alone now, isn’t she?  Loneliness also comes into play, during this important exchange between Stefan and Damon.

Stefan enters the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome to find Damon . . . drinking, of course.

Wouldn’t YOU be drinking, after a day like he had?

And it is in that moment that Stefan decides to say something to Damon that he has NEVER said in the whole 145 years they have been vampires together.  He is SORRY.  Stefan finally apologizes for making Damon turn vamp, all those years ago.  “I was selfish,” Stefan explains.  “I didn’t want to be alone.  I needed my brother.”

Of course, Damon is heartened by Stefan’s apology.  But it is his brother’s discussion of “selfishness” that inspires Damon to do what he does next . . .

“I Can’t Be Selfish With You.”

You know what was so amazing about this scene (aside from the obvious, of course)?  The way it so expertly tied together so many previous interactions between and Elena.  Damon’s appearance in Elena’s room, and genuinely selfless declaration of love, harkened back to the much more selfish and frantic bedroom declarations, he made, back during “The Return.” Also,  Damon’s withholding of Elena’s vervain necklace, harkened back to my FAVORITE Delena scene from season 1, during which Damon refuses to compel Elena, despite her handing that very same necklace to him, as a declaration of mutual trust and honesty.

Because I love the scene so very much, I’m going to embed it in its entirety, right here, for your viewing pleasure.  I just hope that the CW doesn’t take it off YouTube, before you get the chance to re-view it . . . So here goes:

Just in case you didn’t catch it all (or they removed the video), here’s EXACTLY what Damon said in his final speech to Elena:

“What I am about to say is . . . probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever said in my life . . . I just have to say it once.  You just need to hear it.  I love you Elena. And it’s because I love you that…. I can’t be selfish with you, and why you can’t know this.  I don’t deserve you.  But my brother does.  God, I wish you didn’t have to forget this.  But you do.”

(Oh, and he also told her she had cute P.J.s, :))

Obviously, there is so much about this scene that is open for debate, which is one of the many things I love about this show.  Was Elena really compelled, or had she faked it, as she has so many times in the past?  Her shocked expression at the end of the scene could really be interpreted either way . . .

Was Elena effected by Damon’s SELFLESS declaration of love, in a different way than she was by the SELFISH one, he made during the Season 2 premiere?  I think so! 

Watch the way she looks at him, while he speaks to her.  Observe the way her eyes close, when he chastely kisses her on the forehead, in contrast to the aggressive Face Rape he subjected her to in “The Return.”  Except, this time, it seemed like Elena was hoping that Damon WOULD kiss her on the lips . . . and that maybe, just maybe . . . if he had, she would have kissed back this time.

After all, this is the “Good Damon” that Elena saw beneath all of that darkness, during Season 1, and the one she thought was lost to her forever, in the beginning of Season 2.

Another question we might all be asking ourselves, is whether Damon is right in what he says?  Can he ever really deserve Elena, after what he did to Jeremy in “The Return?”  It’s interesting that when Damon utters the line “I don’t deserve you, Elena,” the lyrics to the song playing in the background say, “I was wrong.” 

(Is the song right, in what it says?  Is Damon “wrong” to give up Elena, when he loves her so deeply, because he feels that Stefan is who is “best” for her?)

Just some food for thought . . . 😉

Oh, and that Elijah guy . . . he ended up being Not-So-Much Dead, after all.  Go figure!

Thanks for making it all the way through this insanely LONG recap!  See you next week, TVD’ers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

“DUDE! It’s Me, Hurley!” – The Drinking Game!

Everybody loves Hugo!  Don’t believe me?  Just check out the episode title for next week’s installment of Lost.  And, really, what’s NOT to LOVE about Hugo “Hurley” Reyes?  After all, he’s cuddly  . . .

and funny.

He’s good with kids . . .

 . . . and dogs.

No matter where he is, Hurley can always be counted on to bring the party . . .

. . . and the good food.

And our main man Hugo is ALWAYS down for a good road trip (even if you forgot to take the Dead Guy out of your van).

Speaking of dead people, did I mention that Hurley sees (and talks) to them?

Or that he’s a lotto winner?

So, in honor of this week’s Hurley-centric episode, I propose, for all you Lost fans out there, a little Hurley-themed drinking game.  The game should last throughout the duration of “Everybody Loves Hugo” (assuming you don’t pass out before then).  All you need? An alcoholic beverage of your choice,

(Beer or wine will work best.)

a bottle of hard liquor,

and your favorite snack (or snacks).

Here’s how to play:

(1) Every time Hurley says the word “Dude,” you take a shot.  To get an idea of just how many shots you will likely have to take, check out this lovely video.

(2) Every time Hurley says “The Numbers,” or utters any of those ever-important numbers, recite the numbers out loud, and take a sip of your alcoholic beverage.

If you forget to recite the numbers, or fail to recite them correctly, take a shot.

(3) Every time Hurley is shown eating, take a bite of your snack and two sips of your alcoholic beverage.

(4) If Hurley is shown running, run in place for ten seconds, and take a sip of your drink.

If you FAIL to run for ten seconds, take a shot.

(5) If Hurley sees or talks to a dead person, take a shot.

If the DEAD PERSON is JACOB, take two shots.

(6) If Hurley makes a meta-reference to science fiction or the mythology of Lost, cup your hand to your chin, and say “Hmmm, verrrry interesting,” with a European accent.  If those comments are made to MILES, take a bite of food, and a shot.

(7) If a reference is made to Mr. Cluck’s Chicken, stand up, do the funky chicken for ten seconds, and stuff your mouth with a wad of food.  (Oh, and take a shot, of course.)  For those of you who don’t think this will come up, check out the faux-commercial that debuted at this past year’s Comic Con.

And for those of you out there who DON’T watch Lost, but suffered through this post anyway (There may be one or two of you out there.), here’s a little treat for YOU!  It’s those old school Muppet Babies, with a Hurley-inspired twist . . .

Happy Drinking!  See ya Tuesday, DUDES!

[Note: My pal, Amazon Annie, says, “Play ‘Dude!  It’s Me, Hurley’ at your own risk . . .”]