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Once Upon a Time: The Demise of Mary Margaret (Recap: S5: Ep 13)

bow and arrow

You may think this is a scene from the episode. But this is actually behind-the-scenes footage of actress Ginnifer Goodwin threatening to turn the producers heads into shishkabobs, if she has to wear this hideous haircut for another week.

There’s a new hero in town, ladies and gents. And though he was only around for a single episode, he won my heart, in ways I can’t even begin to describe. His name is Hercules.

hercules hercules

That’s actually not him . . . but I appreciate the sentiment.

Why am I so bowled over by this fine specimen of man, you ask? It’s not for his looks . . . though, don’t get me wrong, they are some very nice looks . . .

hunkules

Rather, Hercules accomplished what five seasons of super attractive twenty and thirty-something year old men (and Henry) couldn’t. He got Snow White to finally reconsider her abysmally poor hair and fashion choices! So, maybe now there is hope that this . . .

“What? She couldn’t have waited another 20 minutes, until she got home? What a b*tch! Team Regina all the way!”

. . . could turn back into this, before seasons end.

trump snow

I’ve been waiting five years for this . . . seriously.

Other things happened this week too, I guess. Like Hook got beat up some more. That three-headed monster thingy got defeated. And Regina called someone a Child Muncher, which isn’t at all relevant to the plot, but is awesome, nevertheless!

with ch

But mostly for me the episode was about Hercules, and Snow’s decision to spiritually (and hopefully fashionably) reinvent herself. I wonder if they sell hair extensions in the Underworld?

Let’s review, shall we?

Playing Hook-y

hooky

It strikes me as just a wee bit unfair that everyone else in the Underworld gets to sort of just “hang out” and have day jobs and stuff, while Captain Hook gets the crap beat out of him on a regular basis. (Then again, maybe that is actually his job, because there are no punching bags in the Underworld?)

Even Hook’s prison cellmate, Megara, gets to keep herself looking pretty, with, what I assume is an endless supply of really good moisturizer, and salon-quality conditioning shampoo . . .

helps her 2 helps her 1

After learning that Fluffy from Harry Potter is guarding their cell . . .

harry potter fluffy

. . . Hook, ever the martyr, offers to create a diversion (one that possibly involves dancing like a schmuck) . . .

walken dancing

. . . so that his new lady friend can escape and inform Emma of his whereabouts . . .

you will

tell her to find me

“Oh, and before you go, will you tell me where you’ve been hiding all your beauty products? I’d kill for some hair gel and guyliner.”

Megara does as instructed, but can’t quite pin down the location of the jail cell she shared with Hook. This prompts Regina to send her boyfriend and adopted son to the Underworld version of her house, using the excuse that she wants them to find “maps,” but clearly she just hopes to get more alone time with her crush, Emma.

look at emma

look at regina

Speaking of fantasies, Megara’s description of Fluffy from Harry Potter causes Snow White to reminisce about that one time at Fairytale Land Camp when she sucked face with a demigod, and first learned how to properly wield a bow and arrow.

Snow’s First Beau

snercules

“I’ve got another arrow, you might enjoy having in your quiver, if you catch my drift.”

Back in Fairytale Land, Snow has a bit of a panic attack, when she can’t figure out how to solve her kingdom’s Bandit Problem, because she’s twelve, and twelve year olds shouldn’t rule kingdoms . . .

 

joffrey death - season 4

Because when they do, bad things happen . . .

Snow runs away from her kingdom meeting in shame, and ends up falling into a not-particularly deep hole. (Like, seriously, she could have just stepped out of that thing, without even stretching her calf muscles.) But then this happens, which, of course, makes the whole “Hole Thing” totally worth it . . .

rescues her

rescued

climb that

Absolutely what Snow White is thinking during this scene . . .

Hercules offers to help teach Snow how to defeat the bandits, because he obviously thinks that she’s super hot (which, she is, because, remember, this is before she got that awful haircut). He also believes himself to be the right man for this job, because he’s already completed 11 out of 12 of his “Labors” required to get up to Mount Olympus, all of which pretty much involved his beating the sh*t out of various beings.

Hercules, that super stud, fondles Snow White’s boobies a bit, while she holds a bow and arrow, and calls it “teaching.” So, of course, the first time Snow faces down the bandits and tries to actually shoot a bow and arrow, by herself, without a demigod’s hands on her tits, she fails miserably. But when Snow loses hope and wants to run away from her Queenly responsibilities, Hercules is there to imbue her with the real lesson of the episode: that failure is the best teacher, because it shows you what NOT to do the next time around.

hero

“This time, I will not think about Hercules’ hands on my boobs . . . and how they are big, and strong, and warm, yet oddly soft, when they are massaging . . . DAMMIT!”

So, Snow gathers up her newfound courage (and her boobies) and faces down the bandits a second time.

successful shooting

This time, she’s successful in scaring the bandits out of town (which seems kind of unrealistic, because ,even though she’s admittedly a pretty good shot, she’s still a twelve-year old girl facing down an entire gang of full-grown men, any of whom could single-handedly disarm her in about two-seconds flat. But, hey, it’s a fairytale, right?)

Hercules is so proud of his new girlfriend that he rewards her by sticking his godlike tongue down her throat (while touching her boobies . . . for old times sake, of course).

making out

And you know what? I totally believe that these two crazy kids could have made it as a couple . . . that is if Hercules didn’t go off and immediately get murdered by Fluffy from Harry Potter . . .

harry potter fluffy

. . . and Snow didn’t instantly age about 25 years and get a ridiculously unattractive haircut . . .

Cruella De Vil: Manipulator of Children, Kindred Spirit of Alcoholics Everywhere

the gin i miss

You would think if the Underworld had anything at all to offer its inhabitants, it would be good booze, right? But, apparently, the darn place is bone dry, and Cruella will do just about anything to get her drink on again, even if it means joining forces with the kid whose mother murdered her.

mission

The new frenemies easily evade the increasingly useless Robin Hood to chat about Henry’s nascent powers as “The Author.” Apparently, inanimate objects like pens can also have “unfinished business,” and Henry’s last season decision not to rewrite fairytale history wound up banishing his poor unfortunate Bic to the Underworld for all eternity . . .

sad pen

But all hope is not lost! See, Henry can find this Beleaguered Bic and use it to undo Emma’s murder of Cruella! This way, Everyone’s Favorite Puppy Murderer can live on to drink gin to her hearts content (at least for another couple of years, until her liver gives out), and Mommy Emma can, for sure, go to Heaven, having no longer “officially” killed somebody . . . despite that whole “Being the Dark One for half a season” thing. It’s a Win-Win for all involved . . . well, except maybe for puppies . . .

puppies

“Don’t do it, Henry!”

 

Speaking of Fluffy Puppies . . .

To Give Head is Better Than to Receive It

three headed

harry potter fluffy

“Good dogs!”

Upon learning of Hercules’ untimely demise, Snow figures out that her former lover must have croaked while battling the very same three-headed thingy that was holding Hook hostage. “That must be his unfinished business . . . beating the crap out of the last thing on his list!” Snow White exclaims. “And here I thought the only way to get people into Heaven was to make them believe we were no longer assholes, like Regina did with her dad last week!”

Snow hunts down Hercules and invites him to beat the crap out of a dog with a birth defect, so he can go to Heaven??!! (What’s up with all the promotion of animal abusers in this week’s episode?) But Hercules isn’t interested, possibly because Snow is oldish now, and has crappy hair, thereby making him no longer want to fondle her boobies.

hercules

Then, Snow has her first run-in with Fluffy and realizes that he is NO JOKE. Disheartened, Snow curls up into a tiny ball of poorly dressed self-pity, until Regina, her erstwhile nemesis, beats some sense into her. “The old Snow White with the cool long hair and the nicer outfits defeated me a whole bunch of times! She could totally take on a dog with a birth defect . . . even though doing so would make her an animal killer / terrible human.”

We interrupt this pep talk about animal murder for a commercial from the ASPCA . . .

mclachlan_aspca

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming . . .

“You are totally right, Regina. The old Snow White with cool hair and nice clothes was bad ass, and the same actress that played her (except during those really young flashbacks), plays my sad sack of a character! That means I’m capable of making some positive life choices that will make me a better person! Now, lets go kill some improperly bred puppies!”

Hercules is thrilled that Snow White is going to help him murder a mammal, even though he no longer wants to get to second base with her, and put his tongue down her throat. Fortunately, Megara arrives, and even though she has no puppy murdering skills whatsoever, she’s hot and has nice hair, like Snow used to. Together, the three Disney characters easily dispose of poor defenseless, genetically mutated ,Fluffy. And this act of animal cruelty causes love to bloom between the two younger, prettier, better hair having characters in the murderous threesome.

megara hercules that sme

And now they can both go to Heaven / Olympus together. Hooray! Then, again, perhaps, they should be a little afraid, because . . .

All_dogs_go_to_heaven_two_poster

Go get em, Fluffy!

I’d like to say that Snow White has her “Murder Mary Margaret” epiphany because she enjoyed taking part in the heroic acts that brought about uniting Hercules and Megara in the afterlife. But, honestly, I think she just hopes that someone who looks like Hercules will theoretically want to grab her tits again . . .

dont want to be mary

snow white again

. . . which is super news for Prince Charming . . . and his evil twin brother, James!

evil charming

As for Hook, well, nobody is fondling his boobs just yet . . . unless they happen to graze them accidentally while beating the crap out of him . . .

see the hook

No longer content with just bodily harming Hook, Hades decides he wants to scar him emotionally for life, by forcing him to choose which of his friends has to stay in the Underworld for all eternity to make up for the three people (and one three-headed dog) that got to go to Heaven, because the cast of Once tricked them into believing they are no longer assholes . . .

other villains

Until next time, Oncers!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.

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ONCE UPON A TIME: Holding Hands While Doing The Wave and Other Tips to Fight Evil (S5:E2 RECAP)

cumbaya

carebear stareee

This week on Once, we got to take a longer look at those lost weeks in Camelot, which transformed Emma from a Savior with Greasy Hair and a Slight Asshole Problem . . .

never emb

. . . . to the Biggest Asshole on the Planet with a Teensy Weensy Savior Complex.

im the ak one

Also this week on Once, Robin Hood proved that being good with a bow and arrow doesn’t necessarily translate to being good at . . . well . . . anything else.

robin hood

Robin Hood is the Mr. Bill of Once, basically.

As for the other men on Once, Henry learned that it’s easy to be a pimp when you and the girl of your dreams are the only two people on the show with speaking parts who are within ten years of your age.

ouat season 3 henry doesnt lie

And Dopey got to take the title of Second Most Important Dwarf on Once, by getting turned into a tree. DO you know how much oxygen those things produce? Let’s review, shall we?

Tree to Be You and Me

made a tree

Over in Hangover: Storybrooke Edition, the newly amnesiac dwarves have decided to skip town, because it only has one place to eat, no fun activities to speak of (apart from battling CGI Villains of the Week), and no words in any of its books . . .

ouat 4.2 dwarves

(At least the guys in the real Hangover movie got to hang out in Vegas with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger . . . UPGRADE!)

. . . also because they are really scared of Emma, who wears a bun, dresses in black, has weird eyebrows, and therefore, must be the Biggest Asshole on the Planet.

The dwarves want to know what sort of bad thing will happen to them this season when they leave town, so they bully their least valuable player, Dopey, into testing the waters and endangering his life for the rest of them. (Personally, I would have gone with Sneezy, who had already been turned into a stone garden gnome by Emma in last week’s episode and, therefore, really had nothing else to lose.)

freez

At first, Dopey seems fine, but then he turns into a tree, which proves that Emma might be the Biggest Asshole on the Planet, but she’s also a huge conservationist. Last I checked, Storybrooke had seven dwarves, but only like three trees. And since trees are clearly more useful than dwarves, our “Dark One” was just evening the score a little bit, while also, possibly, trying to prevent Global Warming. Why should Emma be persecuted for this? Who knew Storybrooke was filled with so many Republicans?

Sav-ior Ass

at the tree

Back in Camelot, our fairytale gang learn that another “evil” conservationist went and turned Wizard Merlin into a tree too. “So, if we turn the tree back into a wizard, maybe he can bang the asshole out of Emma,” Hook muses, excitedly. “Except, not in, like, a sexual way, because I’m the only asshole who should be banging stuff out of Emma in that way,” he adds nervously.

“Only the Savior can chop down this awesome tree and turn it into a boring wizard who isn’t even good enough at his job to prevent himself from being turned into an awesome tree,” King Arthur explains conversationally.

Emma is about to reveal herself as the Savior, until Regina puppet masters her with her sword and declares that SHE is the Savior.

shut up and aw used to

“That’s cool,” King Arthur replies. “Let’s throw a party so you all have an excuse to get dressed up in period costumes and dance. Also, meet my wife Guinevere. She has a very thick foreign accent and no other definable personality traits.”

Then some hot dude comes and gives Regina an “I’m the Savior” purple necklace to wear to the ball, while stroking his Evil Mustache and Laughing Malevolently.

becklace beck

Regina, of course, suspects no ill will from this obviously-up-to-no-good guy, because she’s a Good Person now, and all Good People on this show are required to be frustratingly stupid when it comes to predicting the evil machinations of Not Good People.

To Love an Asshole Is to Be an Asshole, Just a Different Kind of Asshole

love one careful

Back in Storybrooke, Asshole Emma and her Assholey Bunhead are helping us viewers to narrow the field of people who actually betrayed her in Camelot by being somewhat less of a dick to some characters on the show than others. For example, she’s still totally cool with her son Henry. She also propositions Hook to come back to her new crib and bang the sh*t out of her, because, as we’ve previously established, Hook’s spectacular prowess in the sack is one of the main reasons she’s kept him around this long in the first place.

dark one cant be

Belle, being no stranger to the overwhelming desire to bang the sh*t out of major assholes, cautions Hook to try to think with the piece of meat between his ears, as opposed to the one between his legs.

lonely hearts

But Hook is totally convinced that by sticking his tongue down Emma’s throat, he can lick the asshole right out of her, so he doesn’t listen to Belle.

making out with evil

Needless to say, it doesn’t work. But Hook somehow manages to keep it in his pants long enough to fend off Emma’s advances, thereby, leaving Hook, Emma, and all the TV Viewers with a major case of these . . .

ouat 4.1 blue balls

The Fast and the Fury-us

In addition to turning characters with non-speaking roles and no relevance to the plot into useful, oxygen- producing trees, Emma’s curse also apparently involves bringing the cast of Camelot over to Storybrooke, which is really a bigger punishment for the Camelot folks than for anybody else on the show, because, as we’ve already established, Storybrooke is a lame place to vacation.

“Is that all you got? Trees, a bunch of medieval dudes, and a mild case of amnesia?” Regina challenges. “I’ve made poops with more malevolent intent than your Evil Curse.”

Then a big ole CGI creature that looks kind of like the Dementors from Harry Potter, and the Wraiths from Season 2 of this show, and the flying monkeys from Season 3, and the bad guy from Fantasia we saw last season, appears out of nowhere and takes Regina’s boyfriend away. Robin Hood just kind of hangs back and lets it happen, just like he let his girlfriend get body-snatched by a wicked witch last season, and then let that wicked witch fertilize herself with his seed, and then get kidnapped by that same wicked witch.

fury

“It’s a dementor wraith thing from Fantasia flying monkey Fury,” explains Belle. “It’s kind of like the IRS, only instead of taking people’s homes when they don’t make proper payment, they take people’s people.”

“So, someone has to die in order for me to get my boyfriend back, because I may or may not have killed someone in Camelot. Kind of like those Final Destination movies, only the deaths here are nowhere near as fun and gory?” Regina muses.

“Yeah, that about sums it up,” responds Belle, as she goes back to lovingly stroking the petals of the wilted flower that currently stands in for comatose Rumpel’s weiner.

looking at it

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

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