Tag Archives: Rufus

Make Room for Daddy (and Jenny) : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Dr. Estrangeloved”

Uh, oh . . .

Greetings, Upper East Siders!  Tonight’s GG installment touted the return of many things us fans may or may not have been missing from Seasons past: (1) a wasted, shaggy-haired, self-destructive, and generally D-baggy Chuck . . .

So HOT!

 . . . (2) an uber slutty, gothed out, stringy-haired, man-stealing Little J . . .

So NOT!

 . . . and (3) a formerly absentee daddy, who kind of, sort of,  makes a pass at his own biological daughter

So CREEPY!

Let’s revisit, shall we?

Little Girl Lost (Bad Hair Found)

So, apparently, while Serena has been MIA searching for her not-so-proud papa, Jenny and Nate have been getting mighty chummy.  She’s been crashing at his place, sleeping in his bed (He sleeps on the couch), and supposedly wearing his shirt . . .

OK, GG Fashion Department, this is where I call BS.  That shirt Jenny was wearing?  HUGE . . . Nate?

Not so much (still cute though).  The pair was also  involved in some SERIOUS Wii Tennis Tourneys.  And can I just say, if that game is anywhere near as sexy as Chuck described it here (sweaty bodies touching, grunts, groans, and sexual tension galore), I would hereby like to officially add a Wii to my Birthday Wish List . . .

How phallic!

Anyway, Serena texts Nate to let him know she’s back home. So, our boy promptly ditches Little J’s ass.  She sulks unattractively, convinced all hope is lost.  However, EEEVVVIL (and hot) Chuck encourages Jenny to use Serena’s return to her advantage, by trying to drive a wedge between the happy couple.  Why did Chuck suggest this you ask?  Well, if you recall, last week Blair dumped his butt.  So, now he’s miserable, and wants everyone else to be miserable too . . . And nothing could make a person more miserable than dating Little J . . .

“I’m misery incarnate!  Yay me!”

Jenny takes Chuck’s advice, stealing Nate’s shirt (which conveniently has his last name etched in the back – His maid must have done that, because we all KNOW Mama Archibald doesn’t sew!).  Jenny then “accidentally” pulls the shirt out of her purse, when she runs into Serena later that day.  Jenny’s evil plan seems to work, because Nate and Serena quickly start bickering over the shirt, as well as Serena’s recent MIA-ness. 

“I was washing my hair.  Not like Little J!  Her weave is probably waterproof!”

Having so much success the last time, Little J takes Chuck’s advice again by “dressing like someone who doesn’t have a mother” (which she sort of doesn’t), when she accompanies Nate and Chuck to a party in Brooklyn. (Yes, boys and girls, our Upper East Siders actually LEFT the Upper East Side this week  . . . and went somewhere other than the Hamptons.)

When Serena calls Nate on his cell phone, Jenny sparks her ire again, by approaching Nate and — loudly enough so that Serena can hear — suggesting he do shots with her . . .

“Drink these, Nate.  They will lower your standards, and make you forget that I am UNDERAGE!”

When Serena rips Nate a new one over the phone for being out with Little J, Nate gets pissed, and decides he wants to “go back to the apartment and get wasted.”  (Smooth move Nate!  Because liquor and heartbreak always mix SOOO WELL!)  Of course, Jenny goes tromping off after him.  Back at the apartment, Nate is bitching to Little J about Serena.  And Little J takes up the bashing in full force, telling Nate that he deserves better, and that SHE would never treat him that way.  Jenny then pulls Nate in for a kiss, which he rebuffs. And Serena arrives at the apartment, just in time to see the WHOLE THING!

“Not cool Nate.  When I told you to bring someone back to the apartment for a threesome, I assumed you would at least choose someone hot!”

Nate and Serena begin to duke it out, and, through their fighting, they figure out that Jenny orchestrated this whole mess. So, Nate kicks Little J to the curb . . .

 . . . and Serena and Nate kiss and make up (meh!  – At least it’s the lesser of two evils . . .)

World’s Creepiest Dad . . .

Why was Serena all “MIA” from Nate’s life during this episode, you ask?  Well, it turns out she was dealing with family issues.  If you recall, last week, when Serena went to her biological father’s apartment, she found her mother there . . .

Apparently, all this time, Serena’s father has been treating Serena’s mother for cancer.  The pair had temporarily cut ties with their entire family, to keep this a secret from them (which, I’m sorry, seems really weird and unrealistic – I don’t blame Rufus for being skeptical).  Papa van der Woodsen arrives in the Upper East Side to break the news to everyone.  He claims that Lily is in remission now (that was fast!), but he would like to rekindle a relationship with his daughter . . .

OK, here’s the thing . . . I always REALLY liked Billy Baldwin.  In my opinion, he was the hottest Baldwin brother (Alec was the funniest, Stephen was the most religious, Daniel is . . . nevermind).  I even liked him as the sexy sociopathic voyeur in that bizarre Sharon Stone movie, Sliver . . .

And for a middle-aged dude, he still looks pretty good.  My issue here, I think, is with how Billy chose to play this particular role. I’d read in a recent Entertainment Weekly interview with Mr. Baldwin, that he was kind of offended that GG cast him as Serena’s dad.  After all, in the past, he always played the boyfriend of girls like Serena. 

You know what?  It totally showed.  When Billy asked Serena out to a local restaurant “to chat,”  and, later, when he said to her “let’s get out of here” and have some “banana splits,”  his line deliveries were much more in the vein of a creepy old guy hitting on a teenager, than of an absentee dad trying to reconnect with his daughter.  It totally grossed me out.

Later that evening, the van der Woodsens have yet another family meeting.  It turns out that Lily’s cancer is not  in remission after all.  So Papa van der Woodsen is going to have to stick around for a while.  But is Papa a Big Fat Liar?  His cryptic conversation with a shady pharmacist, at the end of the episode (not to mention next week’s promos), seem to suggest that he is . . .

The Tale of the Relationship Fatwa . . .

Poor Blair!  Recently single and in complete denial of her breakup pain, all she wanted to do was have a hot revenge makeout session with an eligible bachelor.  But EEVVILL Chuck had other plans for her.  When Blair arranges a party with a dozen eligible bachelors from the Upper East Side, not one of them shows up.  Blair knows the reason instantly.  “You put a Relationship Fatwa on me,” she whines to Chuck.

“I did NOT put a Relationship Fatwa on you,” argues Chuck.  “It’s just that no one can measure up to what we had, and I’m not the only one who knows it.” 

(For what it’s worth, I kind of liked the “no one can measure up” line.  I thought it was kind of sweet in a D-bag Chuck way.  But, apparently, he’s used it in past breakups with Blair.  Because when I searched for the quote on Google to try and nail down his exact phasing, I found the same words in recaps for other episodes.  Way to be original, Gossip Girl!)

Anyway, recycled lines aside, Chuck was LYING!  He totally put a Relationship Fatwa on Blair!  He confirms this when he learns Blair is heading to a party in Brooklyn (the same one Jenny and Nate attended). Chuck immediately decides to go to the party, in order to extend the Fatwa across all Five Borroughs! 

At the Brooklyn party, Blair flirts with a student from Columbia (which, if I recall, is where Blair now goes to school, although they seemed to brush over that fact during this episode.  Wouldn’t it have made sense for her to tell this boy that she recently transferred to his college?).  The Ivy League Co-ed is clearly smarter than he looks, because he immediately picks up on all of the glares Blair is throwing in Chuck’s direction.  He tells Blair that he is more than willing to play along, and make out with her, to make Chuck jealous.  But Blair declines.

Huh?

As Blair explains to Chuck at the end of the episode, she needs to properly grieve over the loss of their relationship, before she can make out with random dudes.  “When I kiss another boy, I want it to be for Me,” she explains.  (Boo, hiss Blair!  Don’t you know, you aren’t supposed to be the mature one on this show?  What happened to the bratty, whining, scheming, and 12-year old acting Blair of yesteryear?)

I’ll miss you, Mean Girl!

In Other News . . .

Gossip Girl‘s most boring couple got only slightly more interesting this week, when they both screwed one another over.  You see, apparently, NYU — where, in real life, approximately 20,000 undergraduates are matriculating at any given time — in GG world, has the WORLD’S SMALLEST WRITING PROGRAM EVER – one that only admits ONE PERSON every year.   Riiiight!  Talk about a poorly constructed plot device.  And yet, if it drives a wedge in the middle of this snoozy couple, I say, “Bring it on!”

Anyway, Sleazy Liar Vanessa decided to apply to the program AGAINST Dan, and NOT TELL HIM she was doing it.  And even though the character has NEVER EVER shown ANY interest in writing AT ALL!  She gets in over him.  When Dan finds out, he initially tries to be supportive.  But I’ve faked happy for a friend I was jealous of before, and I know what it looks like . . .

Yup . . . that’s what it looks like.

Fortunately for Dan, the daughter of the Dean of Admissions at Tisch REALLY wants to get in his pants.  So when Dan lets it slip to HER that Vanessa’s application piece might not have been entirely original (He thinks she based it on a short story Dan once wrote), the ho-bag quickly runs to rat Vanessa out to Daddy.  The only problem is . . . Vanessa DID submit an original story, one based on her relationship with Dan (that must have been ONE BORING ASS STORY!)  So, of course, Vanessa finds out what Dan did, and she is PISSED!

Well, that’s all folks!  Tune in next week, when we will most definitely get to see a lot more of this Creepo . . .

 . . .Tighten up that chastity belt, Serena.  You’re gonna need it!

XOXO!

 

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“Your V is Showing . . .” – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Sixteen-Year Old Virgin”

You’ve really gotta hand it to Gossip Girl.  Even when the show seems like it’s being a hypocrite, it can surprise you, by proving that it is not afraid to call itself out on its own BS . . .

Of course, I am referring to the moment when the unabashedly sluttiest teen drama on television suddenly became all morally aghast, when its youngest cast member contemplated offering her V card to a slightly older man (Slightly older being 19, mind you). 

19!  He’s practically got one foot in the grave, already!

But as I said, our fave nighttime soap is nothing, if not self-aware.  And our Upper East Side sexpots more than redeemed themselves by the episode’s end.  Sure, “The Sixteen-Year Old Virgin” ‘s plot twists were a tad on the predictable side (I guessed two out of three within the first ten minutes.)  But that didn’t make it any less fun to watch . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s strap on our Jimmy Choo’s, sneak out of Daddy’s house, and get ready to get de-flowered . . .

Get thee to a nunnery, go!

Jenny Humphrey , circa 2080 . . . still grounded.

Contrary to what I might have thought upon viewing the conclusion of last week’s episode, Jenny did not , in fact, run away from home to shack up with Drug Dealing Damien / Poor Man’s Jared Leto.

Instead, she obediently followed her father to Brooklyn.  But all was not as it seemed . . .   After “good” Little J kissed her Daddy goodbye, and headed off to school, she (gasp!) REMOVED HER PONYTAIL!

Long hair = The Devil’s Playpen

So, of course, Jenny cuts class and heads off to La Casa de Drug Dealing Damien.  It only takes a few seconds of half-hearted necking, before Ole’ Horndog rears his ugly head (no pun intended).  “When I date someone, sex is usually part of the equation,” explains Jordan Catalano Damien, matter-of-factly. 

(Yes, Damien.  Because discussions about mathematical formulas are always such a tremendous turn-on for us girls.)

E = MC Screwed?

After some more subtle-as-a machine gun hints from the Suave Big D, Little J agrees to do the deed with him that night after school.  Stop me if you’ve heard THIS one before . . .

Unfortunately, for our Craptastic Cassanova, Big Daddy Rufus has grown wise to Jenny’s cutting class to canoodle with Sir F*cks A Lot.  So, like any Proud Papa, Rufus rallies the troops for a rescue mission.  Jenny’s Big Brother, Dull Ass Dan, can give two sh&ts about what, or who, his little sister is doing.  After all, he’s too busy contemplating whether or not to “go public” regarding the most boring relationship in television history . . .

Just looking at these two puts me to sleep . . .

Slutty Serena and Pornstar Pizza Delivery Guy Nate, however, go ABSOLUTELY BALLISTIC!  “Jenny can’t possibly cash in her V-Card!  She’s WAY TOO YOUNG!”  They exclaim, in horror.

Sidenote: If you recall, Nate lost his virginity at age 16 to Serena, as shown in flashbacks of the event (and in those now-famous promotional posters for the show), which were said to occur months prior to the show’s first episode.

Although not explicitly stated, it is implied that Serena lost hers MUCH earlier . . .

A photograph of Serena Van Der Woodsen and her first “serious” boyfriend . . .

Fortunately, Serena has an ingenious (and by “ingenious” I mean “mind-blowingly” dumb) plan to rescue Jenny’s Flower from Drug Dealing Damien’s evil clutches.  The plan involves Serena seducing Damien and Nate coordinating it so that Jenny will catch him in the act. 

 (Don’t you love how Serena’s schemes always seem to involve her getting naked?  If I recall, her equally “ingenious” plan to get her absentee father to notice her also involved her slutting it up with random guys.)

Oh, the sacrifices I make for the ones I love . . . (and kind of . . . sort of . .. like . . .  a little bit).

Damien, however, proved himself to be smarter than I thought he was, and didn’t fall for Serena’s not-so-nefarious plan.  But Nate takes matters into his own hands, by calling in the Daddy Squad.

Have no fear, Deputy Killjoy is here!

Rufus returns Jenny to the high-security prison that is his Brooklyn apartment.  There Dumbass Dan finally wakes up from his Vanessa-filled stupor long enough to tell Jenny not to “do it” with Damien, because she is only 16.  “When you were 16, you were in love with Serena, and everybody thought it was adorable,” retorts Jenny.

Touche, Little J!

Later, Serena berates Nate for not trusting her “ingenious” plan and for calling Rufus.  Nate responds that he had to prevent Jenny from screwing at all costs, because she is just so darn cute and innocent at 16.  “Not like me, who was such a major slut at 16!”  Serena seethes.

Hey, would you look at that shoe your wearing!  It fits!

Nate then proceeds to detail all of the people Serena had been rumored to have screwed prior to age 16.  Serena tells him not to believe EVERYTHING he hears, but doesn’t exactly deny having been sexually active prior to her encounter with Nate. 

All sarcasm aside, I LOVED this exchange between the two of them!  As I mentioned in my intro, Gossip Girl is well aware that it is a slutty and trashtastic teen soap.  For better or worse, the show is never afraid to own up to that fact, even during an episode like this one, which was obviously meant to promote more chaste ideals . . .

Need I remind you of this photograph ?

Nate later apologized to Serena for his faux pas, recalling how much he loved her, even at age 16, and how devastated he was by her sudden and abrupt post-coital disappearance.  He seemed sincere.  However, I couldn’t help but wonder whether Nate’s over-protectiveness of Jenny went just a bit beyond typical “brotherly concern.”  Watch out Serena, I smell a love triangle . . . AGAIN.

Although Rufus does a fairly good job of keeping Jenny locked up in her fairytale tower (where all the virgin princesses stay), the latter somehow manages to reunite with Drug Dealing Damien at the episode’s token hoity toity social event, a dedication of a museum wing to Chuck Bass’ Dead Dad. There, Drug Dealing Damien clocks Nate in his pretty boy face . . .

 . . . too pretty not to include in my recap.

. . . and escapes with Jenny directly to his apartment and The Bedroom of Abandoned Flowers . . .

Another one bites the dust?

And just when it looks like Little J is about to become minus one Big V, Don Juan Damien makes some “seductive” comment about how sex is “no big deal.”  Seriously?  Could this guy be a bigger moron?  Jenny comes to her senses and escapes.  And her Flower lives to see another day, which is more than I can say for the rest of the cast . . .

When Bad Acting Happens to Bad People . . .

Back on the Upper East Side, in Chuck and Blairville . . .

Still love these two . . .

Chuck is bonding with his “Mommy Dearest.”

Unfortunately, her complete inability to emote, and her monotone delivery of every single line she utters, proves her to have graduated from the Ben Stein School of Acting . . .

Bueller . . .  Bueller . . . anyone?

Unfortunately, Chuck is too preoccupied to notice his “mother’s” clear lack of a personality and soul.  After all, he is facing a boatload of sexual harrassment charges made against him by patrons of the hotel he owns.  Blair impresses me yet again, by not believing this hogwash for even a moment.  The timing of these law suits just seems a tad too convenient, coming right on the heels of the dedication of a museum wing to the late Bart Bass.  The couple’s suspicions appear to be confirmed when Chuck’s Uncle Jack returns to the scene with designs on Chuck’s hotel.

EEEEVILLL . . .

Perhaps to illustrate that his loss of Bass Industries’ to Lily Bass has left him destitute and desperate, the Elder Bass now sports a ridiculous mountain man-esque moustache and beard.  Uncle Jack confronts Chuck and causes him to doubt the veracity of Mamma Bass’s claims of maternity.  Chuck grows even more suspicious of Mommy(?), when she backs out of the museum dedication party upon hearing that Uncle Jack will be there. 

 Despite Blair’s protests, Chuck orders a DNA test to ascertain whether Mamma Bass is truly his Mommy.  However, when he is discussing the matter with Blair, Lady Bass overhears him.  With a stiff, heavily Botoxed face, we have to assume is “very hurt and angry,”  she (boredly) stalks off.  Chuck decides to have the DNA test done anyway . . .

Later, Chuck’s Creepy Lawyer, who also appears to have attended the Ben Stein School of Acting with Mamma Bass . . .

What can I say?  We have a great financial aid package . . .

 . . . informs Chuck that the ONLY way out of this scandal is to give up the hotel temporarily to another member of the family, until things die down.  Already, my BS meter is going off the charts.  Come on, Chuck!  Bad actors just can’t be trusted!

Of course, Evil Jack Bass is waiting in the wings to take over the hotel.  But “fortunately” Chuck has another option.  You see, the DNA test Chuck ordered proved Mommy- Can’t-Act-For-Crap Bass is, in fact, related to him.  So, Chuck promptly turns over the hotel to HER, to apologize for doubting her parentage.  Mommy Bass accepts . . .

In the final moments of the episode, in a plot twist, that, by now, should surprise, precisely NO ONE we learn that Creepy Lawyer, EVIL Uncle Mountain Man, and Mama Bass are in cohoots . . .

In other, really dull news, Dan and Vanessa have decided to go public as a couple.  In other, less dull, and slightly surprising news: (1) Lily and Rufus have reconciled; (2) Rufus never slept with that trampy neighbor lady; (3)  and Lily may have been seeing Bily Baldwin  . . .

Dr. Van Der Woodsen, NOT to screw his brains out, as we once thought, but to seek treatment for her OWN, as of yet, unknown medical condition.

So, in conclusion, Mamma Bass is an Ass.  And neither Little J, nor Drug Dealing Damien, nor Rufus, nor Lily are getting any loving . . .

Until next week, XOXO!

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Teen-y Porn, Pill Poppers, and Excess Parental Baggage – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Lady Vanished”

 

This picture is disturbing on so many levels.  For one thing, the actress on the far left is only 16.  For another, the guy in bed next to her plays her BROTHER.  The photographer really should have thought this one through a bit more . . .

WARNING:  Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl has been rated . . .

 . . . with heavy emphasis on the “F.”  Viewer (and reader) discretion is advised.

Food, Fake Os, Family and Fun!

“The Lady Vanished” began with Nate and Serena, more or less, doing what they did throughout the entire last episode: screwing eachother’s brains out.  Poor Nate!   Once cast as the show’s leading man, he has, of late, been relegated to the roll of Porno Pizza Delivery Guy. 

“Did someone order extra sausage?”

Since the show has returned from hiatus, all this guy has had the opportunity to do in terms of “acting” is give  smoldering looks to the camera and make mildly suggestive comments, while being ravaged by his current femme fatale, Serena.

Don’t worry, Chace Crawford.  We still think you’re pretty.

I’ve been told that Nate’s and Serena’s food-filled sex romp was a send up to this classic film . . .

 . . . which, I will admit, I never saw, because I was too young when it came out (and, from the looks of it, may still be!)

However, I was shocked to find out that the sexy hunk of man in the above-poster “grew up” to be none other than this guy from The Wrestler . . .

“This should be a lesson to all you kiddies.  DON’T DO DRUGS!”

Aside from being a super sexy scene, it was nice to see one of the Gossip Girls actually eating.  Because, as Blair mentioned during the episode, Serena hasn’t “eaten bread since middle school” or, likely,  anything else, for that matter . . . (well . . . except . . . nevermind.  This blog post has gone far enough into the gutter as it is.)

Serena and Nate are interrupted from their “meal” by the loud sexual moans of Blair Waldorf.  (Seriously, could this episode get any more pornographic?)  Of course, Nate and Serena immediately assume that Blair is having her own “meal” with Chuck.  However, when Chuck phones Nate, requesting that the latter retrieve the former’s cell phone from Blair’s and Chuck’s apartment, without Blair finding out about it, it becomes apparent that Blair is home alone, flying solo . . . WOAH!

“What?  I’m not man enough for you, in my neon orange peacoat?”

As it turns out, Blair is “just reading.”  (Isn’t that what everyone says, when they are caught?)  Her moans were merely intended to make a point about Nate’s and Serena’s inconsiderate “loudness” and sexcapades of recent days past. 

“Glad I got Chuck’s couch scotchguarded,” she remarks.  (I totally forgot N and S did it there last week too!  The writers were loving Leighton Meester, this week.  She got all of the episode’s best lines.)

While Blair confesses to Serena that her and Chuck are “not connecting,” Nate arrives with a lame excuse as to why he suddenly needs Chuck’s cell phone.  “I had to check a tweet,” he offers.

Good ‘ole Gossip Girl.  Always up on what the “cool kids” are doing . . .

Of course, because Blair almost got into Yale, and, therefore, must have an IQ above 20, she doesn’t buy Nate’s Tweety Excuse.  “I so miss dating a horrible liar,” she sighs.

Upon examining the phone, Blair learns that Chuck has been receiving calls from the woman who, last week, claimed not to be, but actually is, his mother.  And he has been ignoring her.  Chuck walks in on this exchange, and explains that he wants nothing to do with Mommy Bass.  Blair surprises us all, by supporting Chuck’s decision.  Serena “Buttinsky” Van Der Woodsen, however, is not as understanding.

Serena arranges a dinner date with Chuck, Blair, Nate and herself, and secretly invites Mommy Bass along for the ride. 

(I did a little research on Laura Harring, the actress who plays Chuck’s mom.  From this, I learned precisely two things: (1) she starred in that bizarre David Lynch movie, Mullholland Drive; (2) when you search for pictures of her on Google Images to include in your blog, more nudie pics appear than clothed ones.  Based on her not-so-hot acting during these past two episodes, I can’t say I am all that surprised.)

Anyway, Chuck approaches Mommy Not-So-Dearest, and hands her a large check in exchange for her leaving his life for good.  She takes the cash.  Later, Chuck admits to Blair that he HAD wanted a relationship with his long-lost mother.  Giving her the check was a test,  and she failed. 

Refusing to accept defeat, Nosy Nellie Serena pays another visit to Mommy Bass.

I just couldn’t resist . . .

You see, this whole “Chuck thing” was about SERENA all along!  Serena is hurt that her dad hasn’t made an effort to meet her, and she’s hoping Mommy Bass can give her some sort of an explanation for his action.  Mommy Bass does provide an explanation, but not exactly the one Serena wants.  As it turns out, it was Chuck’s Mom’s idea for Bart Bass to tell Chuck his mom had died during childbirth.   She was young at the time, and simply didn’t want any part in raising a child.

Horrified, Serena stalks out, immediately leaving a message on her absentee father’s machine, stating that she no longer wants to find him.  However, given that they have already offered the role of Serena’s father to this guy . . .

And the award for Baldwin Brother Who Aged the Best Goes to . . . BILLY!

 . . . I’m assuming Daddy Van Der Woodsen doesn’t regularly check the messages on his cell phone.

At the episode’s conclusion, Mommy Bass decides to stay in town and get to know her son; Chuck makes amends with her;  and they all live happily ever after . . . at least, until next week.

The Runaways

Meanwhile, Little Jenny Humphrey is hiding in her bedroom,  with Poor Man’s Jared Leto Drug Dealing Damien.  The two are messing around amid thousands of pharmaceuticals, while Jenny’s oblivious parents are still moping about the fight they got into last week.

And the Parent of the Year Award goes to . . .

Jenny is understandably a bit miffed when Drug Dealing Damien’s dad calls and he refers to Jenny as “his friend.”  However, she doesn’t have much time to pout about this, because her parents finally wake up from their self-indulgent stupors and realize that Jenny has an older boy in her bed.  Just to prove she’s “bad ass,” Jenny drops a bag of pills on the floor and tells her parents that they are hers.  When her father balks at the discovery, Jenny calls Hypocrite on his Aging Rocker tush.  “I know you didn’t spend all those years on the tour bus, reading,” she remarks.

“I WOULD HAVE . . . I just don’t know how to read . . .”

A surprisingly gallant Damien tries to deflect blame off Jenny, by admitting the pills are his,  and telling Mommy and Daddy Humphrey a sob story about his drug-addicted dad (a story he later told Jenny was true, but I’m not buying it).  However, Daddy Humphrey, a.k.a. Rufus, will not back down.  He uses Jenny’s rebellion as an excuse to escape the swanky Van Der Woodsen residence and return to Brooklyn. 

Although Rufus claims he is doing this for his daughter, I cry bullshit.  I’m pretty sure this has more to do with Mommy Humphrey’s “little white lie” to Rufus last week about her recent dalliance with Serena’s dad.

And yet, it seems that Mommy Humphrey isn’t the only parent getting a little action on the side.  Once Rufus has left the house, Lily learns from the doorman that Daddy Humphrey has been spending time in  Slutty Neighbor’s apartment, and has even left certain items of clothing there.

At the episode’s conclusion, Jenny leaves home and runs off to live with Drug Dealing Damien, who accepts her with open arms.

Shame on you Poor Man’s Jared Leto!   She’s 16!   If you even THOUGHT you would be cast in the remake of  My So Called Life, you could just forget about it now!

Which reminds me, didn’t we do the whole “Runaway Jenny” storyline two seasons ago? 

I guess this works for plotlines too . . .

In other news, these two reunited at a beach-themed party, and decided to make a go of it as a couple . . .

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . . .

Ooh, sorry, I must have dozed off for a moment there.

So, there you have it folks, another nearly R-rated Gossip Girl episode in the can.  Until next week . . .

XOXO!

 

 

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Taking Things SLLOOOOWW . . . : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Hurt Locket”

 

Spotted: The most unintentionally relevant episode title EVER . . .

After all, there is no way the Gossip Girl writers could have possibly known, back when the script for this episode was being written, that a similarly titled film would go on to take home Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Original Screenplay awards at the Oscars, all by way of major upsets . . .

Or could they?

“I can see the future!  Now that’s what I’m TALKIN’ ABOUT, Willis!”

Tonight, we welcomed back our Upper East Side friends after a three-month hiatus.  Upon our return, we were treated to an episode about “taking things slow”  — an episode that, while not without its inherent sexiness and heartwarming moments, was . . . a little . . .  slow. 

Here’s what went down . . .

Reunited and it feels so . . . eh.

“Which one are you again?”

Remember a couple of episodes ago, when Serena was head over heels in love with Nate’s cousin, Tripp Archibald?  How about a few episodes before that, when she was in love with Carter Baizen?  Or a few episodes before that, when she was in love with Dan Humphrey?  Because Serena doesn’t seem to remember these things at all . . .

I wouldn’t mind so much, if the character just admitted to herself and the audience what she really is: a slut.  After all, there is nothing wrong with being a slut, per se.  Some of the greatest characters in television history were sluts!  For example, there was:

Blanche Dubois, from The Golden Girls;

Kelly Bundy, from Married with Children; and

Samantha Jones, from Sex in the City.

My problem with Serena is NOT that she is slutty.  But, rather, that she feels the need to justify her sluttiness by claiming that she is head over heels in love with every single man with whom she bumps uglies.  Her renewed relationship with Nate is no different. 

When the episode opens, Serena is on the phone with Blair, all hearts and roses about reuniting with Nate, after his time away from the city on vacation.  Blair cautions her friend about letting the “kitty out of the designer hand bag” too fast, if you catch my drift . . .

“Get your mind out of the gutter!  I was being literal!”

Blair urges Serena to take things slow, and play a little hard to get, so as to keep her blossoming relationship from going stale too quickly.  Unfortunately, Serena has about as much experience taking things slow, as she has with adding double digit numbers . . .

“Why bother learning to add when your boyfriends can do it for you?”

Serena is all set to disregard her friends sage advice, and head off to the Ambassadors Ball with her Beau- of-the-Week, when Nate, who has received similar “take it slow” advice from his buddy, Dan (Why anyone would take advice from HIM is beyond me!), disinvites Serena from the exclusive event.  Unaccustomed to being unceremoniously dumped, a pissed off Serena seeks revenge by asking a former beau from her “bad girl” boarding school days, Damien (more on him later), to be her escort to the ball.  A jealous Nate, who initially planned on attending the ball solo, ends up taking young Jenny Humphrey (more on her later too). 

 Hilarity ensues.  Long story short, Nate and Serena ultimately reconcile, and end up screwing in the coat check room (classy!), vowing never to take things slow again . . .

Now, I know I’ve just bashed the heck out of this storyline.  But I must say, these two were pretty hot together in that coat room.  No one ever said sex had to be smart to sell . . .

Make it Work, Pillheads!

Let me be the first to say, I like Jenny’s new beau, Drug Dealing Damien.  For starters, he bears an uncanny resemblance to Jared Leto, circa the mid 90s.

“Praise the Lord!  Jordan Catalano has been reincarnated, and returned to MY so-called life!”

Plus, I am always a sucker for a bad boy.  Up until this point, Chuck Bass more or less had the market cornered on redeemable bad assery on Gossip Girl.  And yet, as the series progressed, Chuck became increasingly well-behaved, leaving somewhat of a void in the series. 

While no one can match Ed Westwick’s deliciously deviant sexiness as Chuck, Kevin Zeger’s Damien follows in his footsteps quite nicely.  And I must say, even though Zegers looks a tad long in the tooth to be in a relationship with little Jenny, he and Taylor Momsen have good on-screen chemistry, something the actress never had with Chace Crawford’s Nate, in my opinion.

When the episode opens, Damien presents Jenny with a problem to solve.  You see, Damien has this gift box filled with expensive prescription medication and assorted designer drugs.  He needs to get these drugs to the daughter of the French Ambassador at Ambassador’s Ball, without getting narc-ed out by government security. 

Jenny, who is nothing if not resourceful, comes up with the “brilliant” idea of stitching the drugs into an item of clothing.  Suddenly, I am wondering whether I have inadvertently changed the channel, and stumbled upon a rather ill-conceived episode of Project Runway.

“This week, your challenge is to fashion a wearable garment made entirely out of pharmaceuticals.  Make it work, Designers!”

Although I loved Jenny’s idea in theory, her execution was a little off.  That pill-studded cropped jacket was the ugliest thing I have ever seen!  In addition to being completely grotesque, the jacket was also more than a tad dated, with its 80s era “bedazzled” pill sequins and high shoulder pads.

Heathers – The film that inspired Jenny’s jacket.

The original plan is for Jenny to wear the pill-filled jacket to the event, and switch it with the French Ambassador’s “sober” version of the jacket during the party.  The problem is that Damien, upon recalling what a whore Serena was back in boarding school, jumps at the chance to attend the party with her, instead of Jenny. 

At the ball, Damien has little trouble getting Serena into the ugly jacket, but finds himself in the unique situation of being unable to get her out of it.  Now, when even Serena Van der Woodsen won’t sleep with you, that’s pretty bad!

“Nice going, loser!”

With enough “I told you so’s” to buy a jacket that’s actually fashionable, Jenny ultimately comes to Damien’s rescue.  Finding the pilly jacket on the floor in the coat room (Serena and Nate tossed it there during their hard-core screwing session), Jenny instructs the coat check girl to make sure that its delivered immediately to its proper owner, the French Ambassador’s daughter.

Something tells me Little J’s foray into drug dealing will not be quite so easy the next time around . . .

Mamma Mia

Of course, my favorite storyline of the evening came from my favorite Gossip Girl couple, the always-intriguing and never dull, Chuck and Blair.  Every time these two are on screen with one another, I feel like I need to take a cold shower.  Unlike Serena and Nate, Chuck and Blair don’t need to be screwing to be sexy, the looks they give one another say it all . . .

I’ll admit that when the episode opened with Blair babbling about needing Chuck’s help to convince some snooty French dude to approve her charter for a “secret society” at NYU, I was a bit concerned.  How many episodes are going to revolve around Blair plotting to get herself into some pompous club or event?  Foruntately, Blair’s popularity “crisis” quickly took a back seat to Chuck’s identity one. 

If you recall, Chuck was told by his father that his mother died giving birth to him.  As if that wasn’t enough of a guilty burden for a young man to shoulder, Chuck was always convinced that his father held him personally accountable for his mother’s death.

Prior to the show’s Season 3 hiatus, when Chuck visited his father’s grave on the anniversary of the latter’s death, he found a woman there, equipped with his father’s favorite flowers(?) (must be a “rich guy” thing), and a locket with his father’s picture in it.  Said locket just so happened to be engraved with his mother’s first initial “E”.  Understandably, Chuck became obsessed with finding this woman. 

 Initially, young Bass’s pride kept him from admitting to Blair that he was investigating the source of the locket and its female wearer.  Yet, Blair, in a move that was surprisingly mature and altruistic for her often immature and self-absorbed character, recognized her boyfriend’s pain, and put aside her petty secret society bids, in order to accompany Chuck on his mission to find the owner of the locket.

When Chuck finds the woman, she denies being or knowing Chuck’s mother, despite the fact that her name also begins with an “E.”  The woman claims that the locket was something Papa Bass gave to all of his sexual conquests.  A heartbroken Chuck leaves the scene, but Blair stays behind.  In a speech that was both beautifully written and beautifully acted by Leighton Meester, Blair explains to the woman that she doesn’t buy her story.  She tells the locket owner that if she knows anything that can relieve Chuck’s guilt over his mother’s death, she owes it to Chuck to share that information.

Later a dejected Chuck comes to grips with the fact that he will probably never have a mother.  Blair gently comforts him, promising him that she will always be his family.  With Blair by his side, Chuck will never have to be alone.  What well-adjusted adults these two have become — quite a long way from the scheming and conniving Blair and Chuck of Season 1 (who I’ll admit, I miss a little bit). 

Still, I’m proud of these two.

At the end of the episode, we see the Locket Woman staring at yet another locket, this one containing a picture of her holding a baby.  With Blair’s poweful words fresh on her mind, the woman finally musters up the courage to contact Chuck on his cell phone, using a Blocked number.   

Oh . . . and I almost forgot . . . there was another, minor, storyline involving Dan’s dad, Rufus being mad at his new wife, Lily, for spending the night with her ex husband and then lying to him about it.  Unlike the mature Chuck and Blair, middle-aged Rufus decided to handle the matter like a jealous and horny teen, hopping into bed with a neighbor at the first possible opportunity, for a night of Revenge Sex.  Way to set an example for your children, Rufus!

“What do you expect from a guy with a dog’s name?”

Tune in next week, when Serena and Nate are sure to have more steamy sex, the heretofore absent Vanessa will likely make an appearance (zzzzz), and, hopefully, there will be plenty more Chuck/Blair scenes and Damien bad assery to drool over . . .

XOXO!

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