ONCE UPON A TIME Recap: Stuck in the Mirror with You (S6: Ep 8)

Cross posted at Agonybooth.com

Last week on Once, while I was in Spain, the Evil Queen cast a curse on Snow White and Prince Charming, so that they could never be awake at the same time. Specifically, every time one member of the happy couple tried to suck face with the other, the mere act of face sucking would cause that person to fall into a coma. (You may have experienced something similar when trying to kiss someone with morning mouth.) Also while I was in Spain, someone was elected President of the United States, whose name was most certainly not next to the bubble I darkened on my absentee ballot . . . thus proving that bad things happen everywhere when I leave the country . . .

This week on Once, I was back in the country, so Henry saved his moms from the mirror they were trapped in, without darkening his soul. AND he got Violet to admit that she still has the hots for him, despite the fact that their honeymoon period is totes over. Balance is hereby restored. You’re welcome. Now, if I could just fix that OTHER matter . . .

Anyway, on to the review . . .

A Kiss Before Snoring

Because making the best of a bad situation is kind of Prince Charming’s and Snow White’s thing, they decide to equitably divide their shared life in half, so that each gets a chance to take care of their perpetually newborn son, and bond with the rest of Storybrooke, while the other snoozes under the Evil Queen’s curse. Though to be honest, it’s not entirely clear to me how the time schedule works.

 

Does one person get nights and the other get days? Because that wouldn’t be entirely fair. Maybe they alternate days, and actually both sleep at nights, which would be more fair, but seems wasteful, in the sense that the couple should maximize their waking hours, in order to figure out a way to break the curse. (Like for example, Emma, their child, and also their true love, could wake both of her parents with true love’s kiss simultaneously. I mean, wouldn’t that be an obvious first thing to at least try? Maybe if they didn’t spend so much time sleeping and leaving one another cute notes and videos, they could have figured that out by now.)

Maybe I spend way too much time thinking about the nocturnal habits of a fictional couple . . .

Anyway, we get an idea of what life under a shared sleeping curse is like for the Charmings through a cute montage of the perpetually half-comatose couple to the tune of Colours by Donovan, which could just as easily double as a particularly weepy cell phone commercial.

At some point during all this Verizon-approved adorableness, Snow looks in a mirror and realizes, she REALLY needs to lose that awful haircut. Just kidding! She realizes the Evil Queen is watching her through the mirror and angrily shatters it, which coincidentally, is also a great way of dealing with a bad haircut, you can’t immediately correct. If you can’t see it, it’s easier to pretend it isn’t there.

The Mirror Has Two Faces

Snow White’s aggressive encounter with her bedroom mirror gives Regina the idea to enchant one and use it to entrap the Evil Queen. The only problem with this plan is that Regina and the Evil Queen sort-of / kind of share a brain. And, much like with Snow and Charming’s sleeping curse, only one of the pair seems capable of using it at any given time. This was Evil Queen’s turn at having a brain, so she beat Regina to the punch, switching Regina’s enchanted mirror for a plain one.

So, when Emma and Regina, using Henry as bait, lure the Evil Queen to the beach to entrap her in the mirror, the Evil Queen turns the tables and traps Emma and Regina in the mirror prison instead!

So that the rest of Storybrooke won’t immediately become wise to the switcheroo, the Evil Queen masquerades as Regina. She also leaves a fake message on Hook’s cell phone from Emma, in which the faux-Savior claims she’s out of town searching for help to break her parent’s sleeping curse. After that though, Regina seemingly gains control of the Shared Brain. As a result, Evil Queen does a terrible job at masquerading as her better half, fooling absolutely NO ONE!

Oh Henry!

Hook immediately becomes suspicious of Faux-Regina, when Emma fails to answer any of Hook’s twelve phone calls inquiring as to her whereabouts. Ahh, the wonders of modern technology, and the power it has to make even the most masculine of guyliner-wearing boys extremely needy. However, it’s Henry who determines with absolute certainty that Faux-Regina is actually the Evil Queen, when the latter chooses a black tie for Henry to wear to the upcoming dance (Regina would have totally opted for red.), and bitches about the teen’s posture. (Regina thinks slouching is sexy.)

Now, that he knows his moms are in danger, Henry graciously backs out of going to the dance with Violet, and proceeds to shout at every mirror he comes upon like a raving lunatic, hoping to connect with his parents. This scene, if you think about it, could also serve as a Verizon commercial. Granted, it’s not a sweet sappy one like what Snow and Charming were filming earlier. It’s more like those old school “Can you hear me now,” ones from that guy that eventually jumped ship and switched to Sprint.

Don’t Wake the Dragon

While stuck in Mirror Prison, the Real Regina and Emma come upon this guy, the Dragon, who magically appears on the show whenever the gang need “mystical” advice from a wise elderly Asian man who talks like Yoda from Star Wars. Not-Yoda tells the pair that they can get out of Mirror Prison, if they repair the conveniently located cracked mirror inside the prison. Oddly enough, Dragon hasn’t used this plan to free himself from Mirror Prison for Reasons.

Real Regina and Emma start rebuilding the mirror, only to learn that Not-Yoda the Dragon is actually being controlled by the Evil Queen herself, who is holding the Dragon’s heart in her hands. The Evil Queen promptly turns Not-Yoda the Not-Dragon from a wise elderly Asian man into a Bad CGI version of an actual, fire breathing, Savior and Mayor-eating Dragon. So, now Real Regina and Emma are totally screwed. Or are they?

Oh Henry 2: Electric Boogalo

Hoping to make Henry evil just like her, the Evil Queen gives Henry a magical hammer she procured from Gold, while they were sucking face earlier in the episode. (Yuck!) The Evil Queen explains that if Henry uses the hammer to squish Dragon’s heart, the Dragon will die, and Emma and Regina will live. Henry tells the Evil Queen not to Darth Vader him into taking an innocent life. It’s a solid metaphor, if ever there was one . . . especially since I made a Yoda reference earlier in the recap, and I like to make everything in this show about me. Except, personally, Henry always struck me more as a Chewbacca type, than Luke Skywalker.

Anyway, Henry refuses to kill the Dragon. Instead, he uses the hammer to smash through the mirror, freeing Emma and Regina, while leaving Not-Yoda unharmed, if still in his fire-breathing CGI form. It’s a Big Win for Team Good Guys. Even Hook, who hasn’t done anything during the episode but leave incessant phone calls on Emma’s voicemail, gets in on the action, by making empty threats to decapitate the Evil Queen while looking very sexy, because that’s kind of his thing.

In other good news, Henry attempts to make it up to Violet for skipping out on the school dance, by making his own private party for her at Granny’s. (Oh Henry, you dirty dog, you! Maybe some of the Evil Queen’s Darth Vadering worked after all, if you catch my drift.) At the “dance” for two, Violet admits to Henry that even though she’s been avoiding him like the plague for half a season, she still likes him. In fact, the only reason she’s been treating him like he has an incurable and highly contagious case of the cooties for weeks is . . . wait for it . . . she’s really stressed about school.

Now, in my personal experience, that’s a “let him down gently” excuse, if ever I’ve heard one. But here in Storybrooke it’s apparently totally legit, and so Henry’s thrilled. As far as the little guy is concerned, he’s going to be hammering Violet’s nail really soon! (See what I did there . . . with the hammer . . . because earlier in the episode . . . oh never mind!)

In Aggressively Abusive Relationship News . . .

Nothing says loving like handcuffs, false imprisonment, threats of violence and egregious stalking, am I right? Fearing for her and her unborn child’s safety from an increasingly Lifetime Movie Bad Boyfriend-esque Rumpelstiltskin, Belle forms an unholy alliance with Zelena, in the hopes that the latter can make a portal into which Belle can escape into another realm prior to giving birth. In order to make the portal though, Zelena needs a magic wand, which, unfortunately is in Rumpel’s pawn shop, because where else would it be? Zelena and Belle hire Aladdin to break in and steal the wand for them, which he does, if only so that his character can squeeze out just a wee bit more relevance to this season’s plot than he’d have otherwise.

While in Rump’s shop, the ambiguously accented thief also manages to steal a lamp he claims will help he and Jasmine save the kingdom of Agrabah. Or will it?

Unfortunately, minutes before Zelena can use the spell to make the portal, Rumpel appears at her home and slaps a gold House Arrest bracelet on Belle. Now, Rump will know where Belle is at all times, regardless of realm.

 

Then, just in case the old “If I can’t have her, no realm can,” line doesn’t render Rumpel enough of a bad boyfriend cliché, he promptly turns to Belle’s frenemy, Zelena, and starts strangling her. After all, violence against women is always a primo characteristic for the romantic male leads on family friendly television shows!

[Sidenote: Honestly, apart from indicating that this entire season has been a bad dream, I’m not sure how the writers of this show have Rumpel come back from this, and still be seen as a viable candidate for Belle’s heart, without sending a scarily bad message to young women about the kind of men they should be hoping to date in the future.]

Interestingly enough, Rumpel’s actions against Zelena actually end up hurting Rumpel himself. This is because, apparently, the Wicked Witch cast a spell to ensure that, anytime the Dark One attempts to hurt her, only he will experience the pain. Basically, this is the magical adult version of “I’m rubber, your glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.”

Do you guys remember that gem of a phrase from your childhoods? No? Damn, I’m old.

This makes Rumpel mad, so he goes over to his new girlfriend Evil Queen, who also happens to be Zelena’s sister, and asks her to KILL Zelena for him.

What a swell guy! Why on Earth would Belle want to let a stud like this slip away?

Until next time, Oncers . . .

ONCE UPON A TIME: The One That Got Away (S5: Ep 16 Recap)

Who knew the Lord of the Underworld was just another dumb schmuck looking for love in all the wrong places?

Also this week on Once, the characters finally simultaneously remember all the plot-inconvenient babies they left languishing at home for half a season.

Henry becomes a “tortured artist,” because that’s not a cliché or anything. And Ghosting . . . it’s not just the thing you do to significant others who you are too cowardly to dump in person, anymore.

Let’s review, shall we?

Because, Apparently, the Only Brain in Oz Belongs To The Guy Made of Straw

Scariest scarecrow EVER!

In Oz’ past, Zelena needs a brain for her time travel spell. So, she has her flying monkeys kidnap the (quite honestly, super creepy looking) Bad CGI Scarecrow, in an attempt to take his. I don’t know about you guys, but if I was looking for a single brain that embodied “wisdom” I wouldn’t choose the one owned by the guy whose sole function in life is to stand around looking vaguely intimidating to birds. Then again, maybe the IQs in Oz as a whole, simply aren’t that high. I mean, think about it, these are folks who can’t comprehend directions that are any more complicated than “follow the yellow brick road.”

Anywhoo, a bizarrely bad-ass looking Dorothy returns to Oz with Toto in tow to rescue her creepy CGI friend and his brain, which is shared by all of the citizens of Oz! (Talk about precious cargo!)

Of course, Toto does all the rescuing, because everyone knows that dogs are way smarter than brainless Oz residents!

This brick road was white, before I got here and did my thing on it!

Zelena is super pissed about her lost brain (mainly because now she can’t remember all the ingredients for her time travel spell, or the color of the road she must follow to collect them). Then, Hades comes by, and informs her that he wants a time travel spell too, and would be happy to help Zelena make hers.

As it turns out, Hades and Zelena have a whole bunch in common. They both have older siblings who, at least as far as they are concerned, got better lives than they did, and it’s turned them both into tremendous assholes. They both want to use the time travel spell to change the past so that they get “the good stuff” instead of their siblings, in the hopes that this will make them slightly less assholey.

In order to track down Dorothy and the Scarecrow, Hades and Zelena go for a ride on her bike together, and it makes them both SUPER HORNY.

I totally get this from Zelena’s perspective. I mean, when the only boys in your neighborhood are smelly flying monkeys, flamboyantly dressed, probably mostly gay, munchkins, an extra large tin can, and a lion with zilch sex appeal, you are going to be pretty lonely. As for Hades, I’m not quite seeing the appeal. I mean, by definition the Underworld is filled with LITERALLY Hot People.

And Zelena? The woman who has no brain, and who can’t shower ever, because doing so would literally be the death of her? Let’s just say that’s not a Match.com profile that’s getting many hits.

“I’m excellent at sweeping floors though!”

Hades lets it slip that True Loves’ Kiss can bring him back his heart and make him, like, human or something. This way, he can leave the Underworld forever and become just another dude. He insists this is something in which he has interest. But, if I were him, I’d stick to the Devil I know. After all, down there, Hades is Lord of the Underworld and has magic. Up on Earth, he has no marketable skills and would probably end up being Lord of McDonalds’ or something . . .

Hades and Zelena almost suck face, but end up putting it on pause, so that Zelena can easily freeze Dorothy and take the Scarecrow’s brain from him. Crap. All dressed up and no brain to go. How’s that girl ever going to get back to Kansas?

Back at Zelena’s house, Hades sort of/ kind of proposes to her. “Time travel / schmime travel. Let’s screw so I can share one brain with you in Oz forever!”

But Zelena isn’t falling for that crap. She thinks Hades is playing her, so he can make the time travel spell himself, and leave her home in Oz with all the brainless morons. And so the Wicked Witch of the West runs away from the Lord of the Underworld without giving him the kiss he’s waited literally an eternity to receive. Do you think it’s possible for a tongue to get blue balls?

#Ghostedbyfairytalecharacters

Back in the underworld, Henry is pissed and super broody because no one appreciates his art, which is basically the equivalent of a C-plot / filler episode on this show. Henry’s lame story is about how his grandparents finally remember they have a fairly newborn baby at home after abandoning the kid for over a month. (Hey, that’s 27 years and 11 months sooner than it took them to remember Baby Emma, so PROGRESS!)

“Boo! Scared you didn’t I, baby? This is apparently the way I show my motherly love.”

The blind witch lady at Granny’s diner tells the professional absentee parents that while they can’t see their baby boy, they can still “scare the sh*t out of him / haunt him / scar him for life” by calling him on Hell’s Telephone and haunting his ass. “This is an excellent idea!” Snow White exclaims. “What child wouldn’t want to hear strange disembodied voices calling out to them in the middle of the night, while they try to sleep, because that isn’t at all disturbing or frightening to a young person.”

On second thought, maybe it’s for the best that Snow and Charming are never around to actually raise their kids #badparentingchoices . . .

Henry’s story ends with Baby Neal being all happy that he got to be “ghosted” by his parents . . .but bummed that when he pooped, the “ghosts” refused to change his diaper, and he had to sit in his crap for the rest of the night . ..

Oh, Baby, Baby, how was I supposed to know?

That something wasn’t right here. Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you gooooo . . .And now you’re out of . . .

Oops, I did it again. Lost myself in the lyrics. Back to the Babies of Storybrooke!

Last week on Once, Rumpel became Hades’ bitch, in order to prevent Hades from taking his not-yet-born baby from Belle’s womb. This week Rumpel begins his bitch work by opening up a portal in Storybrooke so even more characters can join this fabulous Underworld rager that’s been going on these past few weeks.

Back in Storybrooke, Belle’s been helping the Blue Fairy to take care of all of the main character’s abandoned children, because, let’s face it, there’s nothing much else to do in town, seeing as how she’s already read all the books with no words in them from the town’s Library for Illiterates. Upon arrival, Belle is surprised when the Blue Fairy doesn’t know which bottle to feed one of the babies. (This doesn’t surprise me at all, because the Blue Fairy is the Absolute Worst, so, of course, she’d suck at bottles too.)

Then, it turns out that the Blue Fairy is actually Zelena posing as the Blue Fairy to steal back her own baby from Regina and Robin Hood, who abandoned it. A scuffle ensues, just as a Portal to Hell conveniently opens up right on the floor of the Nunnery. (Ouch! Sacrilege much?)

Belle grabs Zelena’s baby and heads straight to Hell, which may seem like a strange choice to some, but when faced with an eternity in Hell or an eternity stuck hanging out with the Blue Fairy, Hell seems like a way better deal. Zelena jumps into the portal after her child, leaving Baby Neal alone with the Blue Fairy, the former of whom is undoubtedly thinking “Hey, wait for me! Oh crap, abandoned again! And still no one has fed me or changed my diaper in a month!”

Upon arriving in Hell, Zelena worries that Hades might have brought her and her baby here to seek vengeance on her for dumping his ass all those years ago. Belle, on the other hand, figures that Rumpel was merely summoning her for an Underworld Booty call and is pleased as punch. She runs off to the library to meet up with him, because Library Sex in Hell is super sexy. Plus, since people in Hell are probably more literate than people in Storybrooke, some of the books may have real words in them.

At the library Rumpel shares some bad news for Belle, “I only brought you to Hell by accident,” followed by some good news, “You are preggars,” and some more bad news, “But I bargained our baby away to the Lord of the Underworld,” and still more bad news, “P.S. I’m the Dark One, and I’m always kind of going to be an awful sociopath who murders people, so I hope you likely real bad boys.”

It’s a lot of information for Belle to take in at once. Fortunately, it looks like she’s going to rot in here for the rest of eternity, so she has plenty of time to mull it all over!

Babes in the Woods

Because they clearly have not been paying attention to the show for the past five seasons, when Zelena reunites with the rest of the Once crew, she is easily able to manipulate them into thinking she will cooperate with them, only to screw them over and steal her baby from them.

Speaking of Zelena and Hood’s baby? Did I mention that Robin Hood never got around to naming her, because he claims that he doesn’t “know” her yet? This . . . even though the kid has a full set of teeth and looks to be over a year old. Zelena suggests the kid be named Pistachio, which would make her fit right in with all those weird-named celebrity kids, and would be way better than the “Hey You with The Dirty Diaper,” which is how she’s been referred to thus far in life.

Even though she’s weirdly enough, become, by default, the best parent in this episode, Zelena begins to question her parental duties when the use of her evil magic scars her baby. (How’s that for a metaphor?) What’s worse, since Zelena fears Hades’ wrath, she’s forced to hide out alone in a cabin in Hell, where she has to take care of her kid by herself, and she still doesn’t even known which bottle to use to feed her.

This time, when the Oncer’s find Zelena, she’s ready to give up the child so that she’ll have a better future with her dad who left her for dead to rescue someone’s boyfriend, and who still refers to her as “What’s her name?”

Speaking of Robin Hood, remember how he still has another kid? The cute one who likes ice cream, and is probably in his mid-twenties by now? What the heck happened to that guy?

Strangers in the Night

At the end of the episode, Zelena finally meets up with Hades, and, contrary to being pissed at her for dumping his ass, the guy actually designed the entire concept of the Underworld in her honor. Now, Zelena can have a crappy red-hued knockoff of the land her sister created!

“Geez! If I knew you still wanted to jump my bones and weren’t trying to kill me, I probably wouldn’t given up my kid so fast to the folks who couldn’t even be bothered to name her,” Zelena admits.

“So, we’ll murder them all, and get your baby back together. It will be just like old times,” Hades insists.

“Nah, thanks, but I think I need to ride solo, at least for now,” Zelena admits tearfully. “The truth of the matter is, I have kind of low self-esteem, due to the whole Green Face Thing. And I feel like your True Love after knowing me for twenty minutes came about too fast. So, it’s more likely that you’re playing me once again, because you are this season’s Big Bad.”

“Fair enough,” responds Hades. “I’ll wait for you, anyway. It’s not like I exactly have ladies knocking down my door. It’s the creepy CGI Hair thing. Ladies find it a turn off. I’m not sure why. Probably because it burns their nipples off when we are fooling around . . .”

And that was Once in a nutshell. Next week, Gaston emerges in the Underworld to pay tribute to what, in my opinion, is most underrated, unintentionally homoerotic, Disney song ever . .

 

See you then!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com

Extreme Makeover – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Enter the Dragon”

No offense to Robert Carlyle, but this is pretty much the Worst Makeover Ever . . .

Regina pledges to the Sorority of Evil, Rumpel proves just how two-faced he can be, and Pinocchio is growing up way too fast in this week’s Once Upon a Time

Bad Girls Club – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Darkness on the Edge of Town”

Who’s the evilest of them all? Three new contenders for the crown arrive in Storybrooke, but the true winner is someone you’d never expect…unless you saw the promos

A Bad Day for Gingers – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Family Business”

Sorry Brunettes, Gingers, Silver Foxes, and Raven-Haired Beauties! This week on Once, if your hair is not the color of sunshine, Tweety Bird or scrambled eggs, this woman wants you dead . . . like yesterday.

“Is it too late to invest in some bleach?”

She’s Snow Hitler, basically . . .

Elsewhere in Fairytale Land, Belle did a pretty crappy thing to Anna for a pebble and an even crappier thing to Rumpelstiltskin for a hat box.

“Oh Rumple! I just had this horrible nightmare in which I acted like a total asshole for an entire episode . . . oh, you mean that wasn’t a dream? Crap!”

And Hook? Well, he didn’t do very much at all, save looking sexy and making some wry comments about how gosh darn incestuous Storybrooke has become . . .

Still so pretty though . . .

So hug your favorite Rock Troll and steer clear of evil mirrors that talk too much, because it’s time for another Once Upon a Time Recap . . .

(You can check out the rest of this recap here.)

Coitus Interruptus – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s Season 4 Premiere “A Tale of Two Sisters”

Anna: “I’m so excited. I get to play a married early twenty something woman on an adult television show. Do you think they’ll finally let me take off these ridiculous pigtail braids?”

Elsa: “No.”

Anna: “But . . .”

Elsa: “Just let it go, Anna. Let it go.”

It’s official.  The prime time television season is back in session.  There goes my social life . . .

You can check out my random musings about Robin Hood’s failed attempt at propositioning a threesome, Hook’s and Emma’s oddly kinky idea of a first date, Rumpbelle’s House Crasher Honeymoon Oasis, and why I think the StayPuft Marshmallow man has seen better days, by clicking here.

Or . . . you can spend the evening hanging out with This Guy.  It’s totally up to you . . .