But, lately, it’s become more out of habit than anything else. Basically, I think we’ve both come to the conclusion that the spark in our relationship has fizzled a bit. We’ve even started seeing other people shows . . .
Now, lest you think I’m a total sour fangbanger, I will say that the past few episodes of True Blood have been fairly decent. And yet, with only one episode left in the season, I feel like this may just be a case of “too little, too late.”
However . . .
I don’t give up on my friends and my lovers. And I definitely don’t give up on my once-favorite television shows. The truth of the matter is, I still think True Blood can be saved!
A few weeks back, I suggested a few possible spinoffs for the show, that might re-energize the franchise. This week, I’m focusing on the show, itself. So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you, my seven (and a half) step foolproof plan to make True Blood fangtastic, once again . . .
The folks of Bon Temps definitely know how to tell a great story. Over the past few years, we’ve had a few really great plotlines that will forever remind me of why I fell in love with this show, in the first place. Who could forget Season 1’s Sexy Serial Killer?
And let us not forget Season 3’s “Mississippi Vampire King Delivers the News” . . .
Like its predecessors, Season 5 has also had its share of solid storylines. For example, I’ve been genuinely enjoying Tara Thornton’s and Steve Newlin’s parallel transitions into “good new vampire” and “bad new vampire,” respectively.
And Vampire Pam has positively killed it this season (no pun intended), with her kickass “origins” story, her heartbreaking (hopefully temporary) separation from Eric, and her surprisingly heartwarming acceptance of her responsibilities as Tara’s maker.
Speaking of Eric, I’ve also really enjoyed seeing a genuine soft side to the Viking Vampire (as opposed to the artificial, highly disconcerting “manchild” soft side we got during the Amnesia!Eric Days, last season), as he struggles with his faith, his feelings toward his Maker and Progeny, and his strong desire to save the soul of his “sister” Nora.
The problem is that these are just four of about twelve different storylines that have been jam-packed into this season. Now, sure, the idea of every single cast member getting his or her own extended backstory / plotline is good, in theory. But it’s simply not workable for a twelve-episode season. I mean, honestly, did we REALLY need to spend eight episodes on the Big Bad Battle between Terri and Noel from Felicity versus The Smoke Monster from Lost 2: Electric Boogaloo?
And what about that bizarro Shifter Killers in Obama Masks storyline . . . you know, the one that was largely comprised of roughly ten characters we have never seen before, and will likely never see again? In a 22 or 24 episode season the existence of these sideplots wouldn’t have mattered so much. But in a cable-sized season, they took significant time away from stories and characters we genuinely care about.
So, in conclusion, when it comes to storylines, less is more. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that some of the best seasons of True Blood were also the ones with the least storylines. Season 1 managed to rope all of its characters into a single Serial Killer plotline. And Season 2 did the same with thing with two plotlines. As a rule of thumb, the more core characters you can incorporate into your story, the more invested your viewers will be in that story. This, of course, leads me to . . .
2) Don’t split up your core cast members
The majority of this season found Sookie, Jason, Pam and Tara slumming it in Bon Temps, while their co-stars, Eric and Bill, schmoozed it up with those uber snooty (not to mention, snoozy) Authority folk. Now, whether you happen to be Team Eric or Team Bill, TEAM ERIC! TEAM ERIC! TEAM ERIC! as a fan, this had to dust your doilies a little bit.
Now, I’m not even lodging this complaint from a shipper / romance perspective. I’m simply talking about basic logistics. Having your most popular characters interact with one another on a regular basis, is something fans LIKE TO SEE. After all, back in Season 1, we signed on for a show about a spunky Southern Waitress, interacting with Sexy Vampires.
Not a Spunky Southern Waitress traipsing around with nameless fairies, while the Sexy Vampires are doing their own thing, Somewhere ELSE . . .
Just sayin . . .
3) Choose an Interesting and Charismatic Big Bad
Over the years, True Blood has had some stellar super villains. There was the elusive Rene Lenier in season 1 . . .
Initially, Season 5 of True Blood seemed to have the right idea. Bringing back that zany religious nutbar Steve Newlin? And as a VAMPIRE, no less? Then, pairing him with Russell Edgington, for a dynamic (and surprisingly likeable) evil duo? How could this plan NOT succeed?
And, to some extent, it did succeed . . . Russell’s and Steve’s scenes together comprise some of the most enjoyable, hilarious moments of this entire series.
So, what’s the problem, then? All those OTHER lame villains, who have also been thrown into the mix, starting with . . . WAIT FOR IT . . . That Gross Red Lady, Lilith . . .
I mean, honestly, aside from that extremely small population of men who get turned on by women coated in chunky tomato sauce, with voices like drag queens, who exactly is the audience for this kind of character? I mean, doesn’t say much, so she’s not exactly funny or smart. The fact that she may or may not be real, makes her not particularly scary. And the fact that she seems to get everyone else to do her dirty work, while she just stands there and stares at the camera, makes her flat out LAZY!
The same can pretty much be said for her minion, Salome, who, at least is a bit nicer to look at, but pretty much bores me to tears, every time she is on screen.
What bothers me so much about this flaw in Season 5, is that it was entirely unnecessary! We had two perfectly good villains, who were more than capable of carrying the show on their own.
One of my favorite things about True Blood, was that the show could always be counted on to bring the SASSY. Back in Season 1, Pam, Tara and Lafayette comprised the Triumvirate of Sass. These three could always be counted on to have the perfect zinger for just about every wacky situation on the show. Here are just a few of their highlights . . .
But then somewhere in the middle of the series Pam got quiet, Tara got whiny, and Lafayette (when he wasn’t getting kidnapped, or crying about something) was getting possessed way too often by people who were way less sassy then himself.
So, in the future, TB writers. Let’s keep the Triumvirate of Sass doing what they do best, BEING SASSY. And please, for the love of all that is holy, NO MORE POSSESSIONS . . . EVER!
5) The books are GOOD! (Well, at least the first seven were . . . ) USE THEM!
By now, it’s certainly no secret, even to the most casual True Blood fan that the television series is based on a collection of books called the Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries, written by the author, Charlaine Harris. Up until this year, each season of True Blood could be mapped directly to a Sookie Stackhouse Book. Season 1 of True Blood loosely followed, Book 1 of the Series, Dead Until Dark. Season 2 followed Book 2, Living Dead in Dallas, and so on . . .
Following along with a popular book series, was a win-win proposition for True Blood. Fans of the books enjoyed seeing their favorite characters come to life on the small screen. And while these book readers knew the basic structure of the season’s plot line, there were always little surprises thrown into the series, to keep them on their toes. Like, for example, there was that time that a character who died early in the books (Lafayette), shockingly survived in the series. And then, there was that other character (Jason), who turned into a shifter in the books, but stayed human in the series. Book fans were also able to enjoy the addition into the television series of a few original plotlines which, while they didn’t actually take place in the context of the books, still seemed to consistent enough with the overall narrative of the story, that they conceivably COULD have happened, in the novel’s “deleted scenes.”
Then Season 5 came, and it suddenly felt as though the books never existed . . .
Now, I know . . . I know . . . the show is NOT meant the same as the books. And True Blood writers are obviously well within their rights to develop original plotlines for these characters in the context of the show. On the other hand, there are still a couple of excellent plotlines from the books that it would almost be a shame not to use in the series. I mainly referring to the AWESOME World Vampire Conference in Book 7, and the very intriguing mystery of what happened to Sookie’s cousin Hadley, in Book 6 . . .
Basing the True Blood Seasons around particular books, helped the writers give this show consistency, structure, and balance, which brings me to . . .
7) Maintain a healthy balance between camp and horror
True Blood still remains one of the few shows out there that can make things like brutal stabbings, and bloody murder FUNNY.
Part of the reason for this is that the show, its actors, and its writers never took themselves too seriously. By inserting moments of “meta” self awareness, and slapstick hilarity, into even its most gruesome sequences, early True Blood episodes successfully towed the line between comedy and horror, without being totally offensive or tasteless.
Then came this season . . . and that vampire that eats little kids and babies . . . Now, call me prude, but there’s just no way I can find that funny. In fact, I have trouble finding any portion of the Vampire Authority Storyline (with the exception of the scenes including Russell and Steve) funny . . .
Maybe it’s because those stuffy, Lilith-loving politicians are always so gosh darn serious all the time!
So, in conclusion, for next season, I suggest, more CAMP . . . less politics / baby eaters. KAPEESH?
And finally . . . last, but certainly not least . . .
7.5) Less naked Lilith and Luna, more naked Eric / Alcide / and Jason!
I think this one is pretty much, self-explanatory. Don’t you?
So, there you have it, 7.5 surefire ways to keep True Blood Fangtastic for Season 6. Any questions?
[Attention Werebangers! The recap for this week’s Teen Wolf episode, Party Guessed, should be up by early this evening, July 25th. Sorry for the delay!]
Greetings, Fangbangers! Some of you might have noticed that I’ve been a wee bit (OK, a LOT BIT) less prolific, of late, when it comes to recapping, and fangirling over a certain vampire-themed HBO show. Part of that has to do with time constraints and “personal issues,” which I suspect none of you give two licks about.
The other part, though, has to do with a certain recent, shall I say,”cooling off” in my love affair with True Blood?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a card-carrying Fangbanger. I still get all gooey over the prospect of neck nibbles, sexy glamour sessions, supernatural sex, and, let’s not forget, the always enticing-opportunity for a bare ass sighting from Ryan Kwanten, Alexander Skarsgard, and/or Joe Manganiello.
It’s just that . . . well . . . parts of this season of True Blood have been a tad . . . underwhelming.
Like, for example, that “lfrite” storyline! I liked it better when it was on Lost and called “The Black Smoke Monster.” Every time it appears on my screen, I find myself thinking, “What the “lfrite” are the writers doing taking time away from a prospective Naked Eric Money Shot to show me this crap?
And don’t even get me started on the whole “Lafayette is possessed . . . AGAIN” thing . . .
Perhaps, the problem with this season of True Blood simply boils down to “too much of a good thing.” With so many widely varying storylines, it’s difficult, as a viewer, to become truly invested in ANY of them, let alone ALL of them.
That’s why, here at TV Recapper’s Anonymous, we’ve come up with a solution to True Blood‘s “excess pounds” problem. In short, we’ve decided to put True Blood on a character (and storyline) “diet,” by spinning off Bon Temps’ most promising supporting cast members into series of their own. What follows are five prospective True Blood spinoffs, we think could actually work . . .
Spinoff 1: Fangtasia
Starring: Kristen Bauer as Vampire Pam, Rutina Wesley as Tara Thornton, Tara Buck as Screaming Ginger, and Jim Parrack as Goofy Fangbanging Hoyt Fortenberry (with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Alexander Skarsgard, as Viking Vampire Eric Northman)
Tagline: “Because you wanna go where no one gives a sh*t what your name is, but everyone knows your blood type.”
Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Let’s face it, everybody loves Pam. She’s got the perfect mixture of calculating coolness, snarky one-liners, and lethal killer instincts to carry her own series. For me, she embodies what True Blood used to be: sexy, dark, violent, funny, and FUN!
And I can’t believe I’m saying this, especially given all the flack I’ve given the Tara character over the years for being whiny and annoying, but Pam’s and Tara’s newfound progeny / maker relationship is one of the high points of this season.
Plus, let’s not forget the bar, itself. True Blood has spent a lot of screen time at Merlotte’s these past few seasons. And, don’t get me wrong, that’s great! But I can’t help but feel like Fangtasia has been treated like the red-headed vampire stepchild in all this.
I want to learn more about this cool, yet, at the same time, tacky in its commercialism, fangbanging establishment. What are the other vampires like who who work there: the waiters, the bartenders, the bouncers, the “exotic dancers?” Do only tourists frequent the place, or does it cater to a certain more “regular” clientele? And, perhaps, most importantly, doesn’t Ginger ever lose her voice from all that screaming?
Spinoff 2: CSI – Bon Temps
Starring: Chris Bauer as Andy Bellefleur, Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse
Tagline: “Because investigating human crimes is for pussies!”
Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Who doesn’t enjoy a good crime procedural show? OK, I’ll admit it. I don’t . . . at least, not usually.
But think of all the really gnarly crime possibilities that might exist, when you aren’t limited to the “natural world.” Vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, witches, lfrites, fairies, maenads . . . these are some killers, who could really f*&k you, if they’re having a bad day.
And yet, even viewing really grotesque bloody human remains week, after week, would start to lose its luster, after four of five episodes, without some really solid characters to back it up. That’s where Andy and Jason come in!
These two have the ultimate buddy cop bromance going on! Chris Bauer is perfection as the old-school jaded cop, with a secret soft spot for his rookie partner.
And as for Ryan Kwanten’s Jason, well, we all know he’s the perfect man child, one who’s never afraid to bring the funny at his own expense. He’s also not afraid to show some skin, which, of course would be a requirement for his character, at least twice each episode.
Spinoff 3: Kid Wolf
Starring: Chloe Noelle as Mini Wolf Emma Garza, a bunch of other adorable child stars, with Sam Trammell, as doting foster dad, Sam Merlotte, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Joe Manganiello, as Sam Merlotte’s (always shirtless) handyman, and Emma’s “Werewolf Advisor”
Tagline: “She’d play well with others, if she could just stop biting their heads off first . . .”
Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Up until recently, when most of us thought of True Blood the first thing that came to mind wasn’t usually “family-friendly kid show.” That was before this . . .
I mean, seriously, it’s so cute, it’s almost nauseating! I’m thinking a sitcom about a seemingly normal orphaned school girl (Yeah, I killed off Luna. Got a problem with that?) . . .
. . . who, along with her adoring stepdad, is forced tohide a “deep dark secret”: She occasionally morphs into a werewolf.
This could make seemingly “normal” little kid things, like snack time, gym class, ballet lessons, birthday parties, and Show-and-Tell time more than a bit complicated . . . but still “adorable,” of course . . .
Well . . . half of this picture is adorable.
We’re thinking a sitcom for this one . . .
Spinoff #4: A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating . . .
Starring: Deborah Ann Woll as Vampire Jessica and a bunch of other 20-something hot actress ingenues, as as her sassy gaggle of vampire and human friends, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Ryan Kwanten as ex-boyfriend / friend-with-benefits, Jason Stackhouse, and Stephen Moyer as doting Vampire Dad, Bill Compton . . .
Tagline: Because being single can suck, whether you’re undead or not . . .
Why we think it might work as a standalone series: Since entering the True Blood character lexicon, late in Season 2, not only has Vampire Jessica become a Bon Temps’ mainstay, she’s also become a favorite among fans, both male and female.
In fact, the character has become so popular, she’s even started her own blog and video series on the perks of being a perpetually young female vampire.
The thing is, we think Vampire Jessica’s video series has the potential to be more than just a blog. And why not? It’s awesome! It’ gets hundreds of thousands of viewers each week, and tons of commenters, all of whom talk to Jessica like she’s a Real Person with Real Problems.
Now, some of you might be thinking . . .dating show = chick show = Sex and the City with Vampires = no thank you.
But I think A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating could appeal to a much wider audience. I mean, think about it, hot girls . . . hot guys . . . humor . . . LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX . . . BITING . . . what’s not to love?
And finally . . .
Spinoff #5 – Steven Newlin, GVA (Gay Vampire American)
Starring: Michael McMillan as Steve Newlin. DUH!
Tagline: “Being a religious cult leader bites! So, now he’s coming out . . . of the coffin.”
Why we think it would work as a series: You guys remember, Steve, right? You know, that wackadoo religious cult leader, with the hot wife, who tried to shoot Jason in the head, and almost blew up Eric Northman, and all his vampire friends?
Yeah, not exactly the kind of guy you’d want to bring along to your raging keg party. Of course, that was before some wise soul decided to turn ole Steve-o into the Most Awesome Vampire Ever!
Now, the former religious nutbar is a Bill Cosby-sweater wearing, nerdy dancing, Jason Stackhouse-loving, gay ball of fun.
And I (no, not “we” this time, just “me”) want him to have a show of his very own? Got a problem with that?
I didn’t think so . . .
So, there you have it, five True Blood spinoffs I might enjoy watching more than Season Five. What would you rather watch?
Boot and Rally, Fangbangers! It’s the mantra of champion partiers the world over. After all, everyone knows that the harder you party, the greater the chance that your “fun” is going to come back and haunt you . . . one way or the other.
But the strong among us are the ones that can take a beating, dust ourselves off (rinse out our mouths, if necessary), and head right back out on the proverbial dance floor to do it all over again.
At least, I call that strong. Others might call that stupidity . . . or alcoholism . . . whatever.
Anyway, this week’s episode of True Blood was all about the various ways in which people’s past can come back to haunt them. It also explored how some of our favorite (and a few of our not-so- favorite) characters coped with these “haunting” experiences.
But enough philosophizing, let’s boot and rally on to another TB-cap!
REVENGE of the Orange Marzipan
When we last left our heroine Sookie Stackhouse, she was grinding her ridiculously drunk ass all over Alcide man candy, and cleaning his werewolf fangs with her tongue.
Meanwhile, Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo Bill and Eric stood outside Sookie’s window . . . watching. (Quality Vampire Porn must be real hard to come by in Bon Temps, if even the King of Louisiana has to improvise.)
Eventually, Sookie and Alcide decide to move this party upstairs. Sookie hitches a ride on Alcide’s massive torso, and up to the bedroom they go!
Now, whether or not you’re a fan of Sookie and Alcide as a couple, you have to admit, this scene was pretty f*&king awesome. There were grunts, groans, grinds, and kisses from both parties, and Alcide did this thing with his belt that had to be the best free advertisement for the Magic Mike movie I’ve ever seen.
Alcide thought he was getting laid tonight. Instead, he got a pair of shoes that will match nicely with a pair of khakis, if he ever decides to wear them . . . (Alcide always seemed like more of a jeans and flannel guy to me.)
Downstairs in the kitchen, a still drunk Sookie is just finding it absolutely hilarious that her two ex-boyfriends have interrupted her sexcapades for yet another Vampire Investigation Mission.
She’s game, though! Talk about a boot and rally. Sookie’s so eager to get started on her mission, she can’t even be bothered to properly open her front door!
Terry and Noel from Felicity have been tied up by their wackjob comrade, who keeps babbling on and on about something called a “lfrite.” Apparently, it’s like this Vengeance Fire Demon or something. Wackjob Comrade says the “lfrite” is out to get Terry and his buddies, because of all those people they torched during the war. Personally, I’m kind of hoping the lfrite goes ahead and takes vengeance on this lame storyline, by burning it to the ground. But for now, it just takes Wackjob Comrade, while Terry and Noel from Felicity live to “lfrite” another day . . .
In other news . . .
REVENGE of . . . Jesus’ Head?
Lafayette is sad, because that weird party mask from last season, keeps making him do BAAAAD things, like almost put bleach in the soup at Bon Temps, and cut the breaks on Sookie’s car. (Quite the kidder, that Weird Party Mask!)
So, Lafayette does what many people would do in this situation. He prays to Jesus . . .
. . . well, not THAT Jesus . . . although he was standing in front of a statue of HIM when he said the prayer. THIS Jesus . . .
You know, the one Lafayette sort of / kind of killed last season, while under the influence of yet another dark force? “Show me a sign that you hear me!” Lafayette pleads.
Jesus does his former beau one better. He gives him head . . . literally.
REVENGE of . . . that Annoying Authority Storyline
In the immortal words of Vampire Pam, “Blah, blah, blah . . . Blood of Lilith, Blah.”
Christopher Meloni is trying to rally his troops against the imminent uprising of the Sanguinistas, who may or may not be led by Eric’s hot but crazy sister, Nora, who’s spent the past three episodes or so, doing nothing but rocking back and forth on her knees, screaming and curling up in a fetal position.
But personally, my money is on Salome being the REAL woman behind the rebellion / freeing Russell from his cement jail cell.
My favorite part of this whole Authority Storyline was when Mac from Veronica Mars called Bill and Eric to tell them she had activated the blow-up device on their leather S&M jock straps.
Why was that my favorite? Because Mac from Veronica Mars is funny, and so are leather S&M jock straps, at least I think they are . . .
REVENGE of the Shapeshifter Haters with the Funny Masks
Ruh-roh, Scooby Doo! There appears to be a gang of Supernatural Creature Killers on the loose, who keep offing all of Sam’s shifter buddies! (Man! Sam’s pals and f*&k buddies just seem to drop like flies, every single season. Remind me to un-friend him on Facebook . . .)
Back in Season 1, we didn’t get to find out who the serial killer was, until the second-to-last episode.
But this time around, these chumps are driving around out in the open with their stupid masks, like it’s friggin Mardis Gras. They shoot both Luna and Sam, as a petrified Emma shifts into a baby wolf and skitters away. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Luna’s dead and Sam’s not . . . which means Sam’s probably going to adopt Emma, which means a lot more screen time for the child actress. But hey, at least wolf girl is better than that vampire kid, right?
One thing True Blood has always been missing is evidence of solid girl bonding. I mean sure, Sookie and Tara were “best friends.” But lets face it, they spent half of the screen time they spent together, crying, yelling and screaming, usually at one another.
After all, Tara isn’t exactly the kind of girlfriend you invite over for to watch a Ryan Gosling Movie Marathon, talk about boys, and dance around the room with, while you’re singing into your hairbrush.
But Vampire Jess is definitely that kind of girl, which was why it was so cool to see her take Tara under her wing, and show her all the awesome things the vampire world has to offer.
Speaking of naked, Andy Bellefleur spent a second episode of the season in his birthday suit, thereby making him officially nude more than ERIC NORTHMAN, this season.
Not cool . . . Alan Ball . . . not cool at all . . .
And the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .
The Return of Russell Edgington!
With the help of an extra large coffee and some Nutter Butters, Hangover! Sookie successfully un-glamored Alcide’s employee, simply by holding and fondling his hand a few times. Now, that’s impressive (as were the hilariously petrified expressions the guy was making throughout the entire episode — LOVED HIM)! Somehow or other this brings Sookie (her HAREM of men in tow) to the creepy old abandoned insane asylum where Russell Edgington has been biding his time, while his burnt up nasty face reforms. The endless buffet of human shishkabobs certainly doesn’t hurt.
The episode ends with a final triumphant showdown between Big Bad Russell (who’s still looking a bit too feeble old mannish to be believable as genuine threat) . . .
Uh oh, Fangbangers! Don’t mess with the Sookster! Because, if you do, you might just end up with a stake in your heart, a cap in your ass, a face full of glow fingers, or a piece of your brain flapping in the wind. (Sorry Tara!)
For all you folks who’ve been super pissed about this whole “Everybody Loves Sookie” theme that’s been a resounding refrain on this show since season one . . .
. . .this was the episode for you!
Sookie sure wasn’t feeling the love this week . . . with everyone from Lafayette, to Holly, to that random extra sitting in the back booth at Merlotte’s giving her Bon Temps Death Stare.
Yes, TB fans, after two seasons of unrequited sexual tension, Alcide Herveaux and Sookie Stackhouse finally swapped some heavily alcohol-laced spit, just a hop skip and a jump away from the spot where the former’s trailer trash ex was turned into wolf kibble. Ain’t that sweet?
In other news, they FINALLY killed off that darn kid . . . Yeah, I said it.
Let’s review, shall we?
Tanning BAAAAD, Blood GOOOOD!
Those of you who were secretly hoping that Vampire Tara would meet her maker, Jersey Shore style, were probably a bit disappointed, when Pam not only rescued her progeny from the Evil Tanning Bed, but forbid her from using it again. (I guess she will have to find more creative ways to try and off herself now.)
That said, considering how much pride Vampire Pam takes in her relationship with her Maker (more on that later) . . .
. . . it was kind of nice to see the tough-as-stakes blonde take her “parenting” responsibility seriously. Not only did Pam teach Tara how to feed without killing, she also helped her to hate herself just a little less, and gave her some fashion tips to boot!
Whatever it is, it screwed up the brakes on Sookie’s car, and almost left her brain flapping in the wind, Tara Thornton style . . .
. . . almost . . . but not quite.
Of course, not all “hated” characters will make it out of this episode alive . . .
OMG! You killed that annoying vampire kid. You RULE! Bastard!
Let me start by saying that there are a lot of really great child actors in this world . . . like Sally Draper on Mad Men . . . and that kid from Modern Family, and pretty much every pre-pubescent on Game of Thrones.
That little vampire kid . . . who I’m sure is a really nice guy in real life . . . just isn’t one of them.
I mean, sure, he looked the part . . . all cute, blonde, and well dressed. In fact, if he never opened his mouth, he’d be an awesome vampire. I’m certain of it. Plus, I think, if I was forced to be ten-years old for all eternity, I’d probably be pretty loud and whiny about it too.
But there was just something about the way “Alexander” delivered his lines each week, that just made fans say, “Stake that b*tch.”
And so, when Christopher Meloni learned from Eric’s hot sister that there was a traitor among them . . . one with blonde hair, baby teeth, and a super screechy voice, that’s exactly what he did . . .
BRAVO! Er . . . I mean . . . awwww . . . he was just a kid . . . that’s sad.
Meanwhile, in Terry’s boring storyline news . . .
PTSD 2: Electric Boogaloo
Noel from Felicity and Terry go on a rather lame road trip, to find their former comrade, who once shot up some civilians, because they looked at him funny.
Long story short . . . they find him . . . He paints creepy pictures . . . and looks like he hasn’t taken a shower since Desert Storm. Needless to say, unlike Noel from Felicity, whose hot, and looks like he could sell you insurance, Arlene probably wouldn’t be so quick to invite this guy home for a dinner with the “Fam.”
Oh, Eric Northman! It’s a good thing you’re so pretty.
Because like Lafayette, you also treaded dangerously close to Turd Ball territory, at the beginning of this episode. Suffice it to say that accusing Vampire Pam, your own flesh and blood . . . literally . . . of betraying you and releasing Big Bad Russell Edgington onto an unsuspecting populace was most definitely not your finest hour.
That said, you did earn some of that debonair Viking Vamp mojo back, when you made the ultimate personal sacrifice to save your progeny, even though that meant renouncing the most sacred bond between maker and made.
“How ya like me now?”
For those of you who did not get even the slightest bit teary, when Eric — who, once again, fears his rendezvous with Russell Edgington and the Authority might end up being fatal — told Pam she was destined for greatness, and that she had to live on without him to ensure the vitality of his bloodline . . . well . . . you just might not be human.
The only thing that would have made this scene better would be if Eric was naked during it. But hey, we can’t get everything we want in this world, right?
Or can we?
In which both Alcide and Jess take one for Team Sookie, but only one of them gets rewarded for it . . .
Earlier on in this recap, I noted that almost everyone seemed to hate Sookie this week. Of course, there were some notable exceptions to this rule. The first exception was Vampire Jess who, upon hearing that Sookie wished to turn herself in to Sheriff Andy for killing Trailer Trash Debbie . . .
. . . immediately took the law into her own hands. Like the awesome gal pal she is, Jess followed Jason to Sheriff’s office, and defty compelled Sheriff Andy to forget that Debbie even existed. Pretty awesome huh?
Of course, Jessica’s compulsion tactics would not have been nearly as effective had Debbie’s grieving parents already called off the search. And why did they do that you ask? Because sweet ole lovelorn Alcide blamed the whole thing on already dead packmaster Marcus, which is kind of perfect, when you think about it . . .
Yeah . . . you go ahead and tell them you didn’t do it, Tough Guy!
Meanwhile, Sookie, who’s, all in all, had a pretty crappy day, what with being called the Angel of F*&king Death, and almost DYING when her car went all “Christine” on her, and randomly wrapped itself around a tree . . .
. . . has decided to go and get herself good and wasted. That’s my girl!
You know what, Fangbangers? This might have been my favorite scene in the episode. For starters, Sookie’s bar selection is all kinds of awesome. Either girlfriend’s been filching for Merlotte’s, or she’s totally been holding out on us.
And what’s more, for all her whining and ugly cry facing, Sookie is actually kind of an awesome drunk!
She sings her own versions to cheesy songs like “The Pina Colada Song,” while humping the couch.
Oh, and hey, it looks like you have an audience! Poor Beeeel . . . it looks like you aren’t going to be the Knight and Shining Vampire in this fairytale. And now that your ex has moved on to furrier pastures, if you want to force her to help you find Russell, you’re probably going to have to use more than your “charm” to do it. Might I suggest dipping into your daughter’s Mary Jane stash?
But you aren’t fooling anyone . . And as many times as you say “F*&k Sookie,” we all know that deep down that’s exactly what you’d like to do . . . again.
Speaking of folks, who are f*&ked . . .
Barak and Hillary – Shapeshifter Edition
Apparently, it’s a bad day to be a shapeshifter, who vaguely resembles a highly regarded political figure. Just ask these two pals of Sam’s who “shifted” into corpses, and will never “turn” again. The question is . . . who killed them? I smell another mystery! Because lord knows, that’s just what this season needs, ANOTHER mystery for Sookie to solve . . .
Speaking of mysteries . . .
Moulin Rouge- Fairy Edition
Why does the Super Secret Fairy Club that the mayor dude took Andy and Jason to visit look like a set from the straight-to-video sequel to Moulin Rouge?
And why did that weird random fairy have glow-sex with Andy in the woods last season? Unfortunately, we have little time to contemplate the answers to the questions, because our two favorite buddy cops stay at Hooligans Fairy Dance club is disappointingly short.
Not long after Jason reunites with his cousin Hadley, who we last saw playing beer-bitch to the ill fated Queen Sophie Anne, he and Andy get their ass glow fingered (that sounds dirty) right out of the club! And all because Jason started asking too many questions about Sookie’s fairy roots, and what really happened to his parents.
Is Sookie really in danger, due to her vampire intoxicating fairy blood? (Isn’t Sookie always in danger?) Could vampires really have murdered the Stackhouses, back in the day? Can a human male get pregnant from glow sex with a fairy?
Unfortunately, these are all questions for another day, and another episode. Until next time, Fangbangers!
And then there are those who show they love you by eating your carcass, after you die.
It’s all kind of romantic, when you really think about it.
Yes, Fangbangers. This week’s season five premiere of True Blood was just filled with the “L” word . . . and also a whole lot of blood, guts, and misplaced bodyparts. Just how we like it. Let’s review, shall we?
The Super Snatch of Sookie Stackhouse
We begin our story, literally seconds from where Season 4 ended. Half of Tara’s brain is oozing out on the floor, as is one of Trailer Trash Debbie’s teeth, as well as other assorted bits of Trailer Trash Debbie.
Sookie’s ready to tell her to skedaddle. (After all, she has some deep kitchen cleaning to do . . . again.). But Lafayette has other plans. “Turn her!” Lafayette demands, referring to the brainless wonder lying on the floor beneath him.
“But everybody hates Tara HATES vampires,” says Sookie and . . . well . . . everyone watching at home.
Nevertheless, if Lafayette has to choose between having a self-loathing vampire for a cousin, and worm food for a cousin, he’s going to choose the former. And Sookie, who LOOOOOOOVES vampires, doesn’t take much convincing to follow suit. “I’ll owe you one,” Sookie offers brightly.
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you feel about Tara), Vampire Pam is desperate enough to get back into her Maker’s good graces to play Let’s Make a Deal. The sassy vampire gets Sookie to promise to use her magical vaginal powers to smooth things over between Pam and Eric, as well as to perform for Pam an additional, as of yet, unmentioned favor at some unspecified time in the future.
Sookie seems skeptical at first, but ultimately agrees . . . you know because “TARRRRRRAAAAA” is the most important person in her life right now . . . after “BEEEEEEEEEEEL,” and “ERRRRRRIIIIC” and “JASOOOOOOOON.”
Next thing you know, Vampire Pam is squatting in the dirt next to the highly odorous, Brain-Flaps-A Lot-Dead Tara. I should note that the former is dressed in the ugliest sweatshirt I have ever seen in my entire life. (I’m sincerely hoping that belonged to Grams, not Sookie. But given some of the outfits we’ve seen Sookie wear these past few years, you can never be too sure.)
Sookie thinks Vampire Pam and Head-Like-a-Half-Chewed-Chocolate-Chip-Cookie Tara should spoon in the grave, to instill maker-progeny bonding or something. But Vampire Pam isn’t having it. Wearing an ugly grandma sweatshirt, and becoming eternal mom to her mortal enemy is more than enough sacrifice for one day, as far as Pam is concerned.
Shrugging it off, Sookie and Lafayette, take turns burying the pair. Then, they return to Sookie’s house to wait . . .
In other Stackhouse news . . .
Almost Everybody Loves Jason Stackhouse . . . (even Steve F*&king Newlin)
It’s starting to seem like, on this show, the more you hate vampires, the more likely it is that you will eventually become one. Such was the fate of former cult leader Steve Newlin, who, at the end of last season, found himself on Jason Stackhouse’s doorstep with a pair of pointy incisors, and an outfit that makes him look like he should be playing the uptight rich villain in an 80’s teen movie.
At first, Vampire Newlin plays the vulnerability card, in order to gain access to the house of his follower turned nemesis. He claims he has no where else to go, having already been shunned by both his minions, and vampires themselves due to his present condition, and past acts, respectively. But Jason thinks Steve’s fangs look like big ole white hard-ons (a notion which ends up being rather prophetic), so he doesn’t trust them. Steve, then, is forced to use a little of that good ole’ glamour power, in order to gain his invitation.
As it turns out, Steve has a little confession to make. And he doesn’t want Jason to interrupt him, until he’s said his piece. So, of course, Steve does what any rational person would do in this situation, he tapes the mouth of his sole audience member — who just so happens to be conveniently shirtless — shut with duct tape. It’s all very kinky, and 50 Shades of Grey-esque.
It was certainly one of the more aggressive departures from the book series we’ve seen so far. And yet, as far as plot points go, this one actually seems to make a surprising amount of sense. It definitely explains a lot of the weirdness between Steve and Jason during Season 2.
“You should really touch my gun. It’s SOOO BIG!”
And all that “murderous rage and whatnot,” it had to come from somewhere right? Besides, it’s not exactly like falling in love with Jason Stackhouse is the most difficult thing in the world to do.
Considering he had just had his mouth taped shut, by the man who multiple times tried to kill him, Jason handled the profession of adoration quite well. He even complimented Steve on his kind words. But when it came right down to it, Jason’s dog just doesn’t bark that way . .
But don’t you worry Jason fans! Little Red Riding Hood is about to tell that Big Gay Wolf where he can shove his big hard-on fangs. Poor Steve. Rejection is hard enough when you aren’t forced to fly backwards through someone’s front door, like a twig caught in the path of a leaf blower, because your home invitation was just rescinded. Bad for Steve. But very good for Jason and Jessica . . .
Not everyone’s a Jason fan though. He gets some serious cold shoulders from Hoyt and his former highway working crewmates over at Merlotte’s.
They call him G*rlfr*end F*&ker, which I guess is supposed to be insulting, but to me seems kind of like a compliment. I mean, isn’t that what you’re SUPPOSED to do with your girlfriend. Yeah, yeah . . . I know, Jason betrayed Hoyt by getting with Jess, and yadda, yadda, yadda. But Bon Temps is just such a small town! It’s probably really hard to hook up with someone who isn’t the ex girlfriend of SOMEONE you know . . . especially if you look like Jason Stackhouse . . .
Meanwhile, Jess is enjoying the perks of being temporary Queen of Louisianna, while Papa Bill is “otherwise engaged.” And like any good Queen, Jess knows how to treat her subjects well . . . by throwing them a frat party, and laying down some fly tunes.
Jason unintentionally crashes the party, thinking he’s in for another quickie, when Jess lays the “let’s just be friends with benefits speech on him.” But don’t worry about Jason, looking like he does, he’s a welcome addition to any sorority girl’s daydreams, provided he slip out of that nerdy cop uniform, and into something “more comfortable.”
For a moment there, it seems like Jason might hook up with a college coed just to make Jess jealous. But in the end, he does the gentlemanly thing, and simply drives the lovestruck girl home.
Good lord! Since when did Jason Stackouse, Resident Man Whore of Bon Temps become the Messiah of Boyfriends?
“Hey, I thought I was the Messiah of Boyfriends.”
Speaking of loyal boyfriends . . .
Tastes Like Marcus
Sam gets accosted by some of deceased Werewolf Pack Leader Marcus’ followers, because they think the shapeshifter killed him. So, Sam turns into a bird and flies away, rather than rat out Marcus’ real killer, Alcide. Hey you know what I noticed about Sam? Except for that cute dog from season 1, he always shift into rather lame creatures, like ugly birds, or flies, and such. Not very manly. He’s also probably naked more than any other character on this show.
Anywhoo, Sam eventually turns himself in to the nudist colony of werewolves, provided they promise not to harm his lover Luna and her kid. Besides, all they really want to know is where Marcus was buried . . . you know, so his mom could like, eat him and stuff . . .
Eventually though, Alcide does the right thing by admitting to killing the Leader of the Pack. As a result, he gets a pack of his own . . . I’d like to call them the “Non-Carcass Eaters.”
“I rule with an iron fist and washboard abs.”
In other Alcide news, he pops by Sookie’s house to give her some home decorating tips . . .
. . . and to invite her to be his roommate, so that he can have hardcore doggy sex with her protect her from Russell Edgington, who’s not-so-much dead, by the way. Sookie declines, figuring that the whole “I just shot your ex-girlfriend in my kitchen, and you almost tripped over her tooth on the way in here” would make for awkward dinner table conversation.
Speaking of dead bodies, apparently, someone stole Jesus . . .weird.
Burn it Down
Meanwhile, in what was clearly the least interesting storyline of the evening . . .
. . . Noel from Felicity is making Terry VERRRRY ANGRY, probably because he keeps yammering on about “The War.” No one talks to Terry about “The War” and gets away with it. Also, apparently, someone’s been going around burning down the homes of all of Terry’s former comrades. So, maybe that freaky lady ghost with the big pop out eyes didn’t burn down Terry’s house after all. (I’m still trying to decide whether or not I care.)
Speaking of the Bellefleur’s Policeman Andy has a surprisingly nice ass, and a good set of abs, as we learn when we find him post-coitus in waitress Holly’s bed. Who knew?
The two new lovebirds may have ended up in the bed, but they started on the couch, where Holly’s son typically slumbers.
Yikes. It looks like someone’s going to need to invest in a sleeping bag, STAT.
But enough about those pesky humans. We watch this show for the vampires, right?
When we last left Vampire Eric and BEEEEL, they had just killed Tight Pants Nan of the Vampire AUTHORITAAYYYY. In short, they are now in deep doo-doo. While Lazy Beeel makes a few casual phone calls, Vampire Eric rolls up his sleeves, and starts cleaning Nan bits off the floor, like it’s his job.
I have to admit, watching him clean was a bit of a turn on. Then again, watching Vampire Eric do anything would probably be a turn on to me, even if it was something like picking his nose, or scratching his bum.
Beeel notes that he has this FEELING that Sookie is in danger. But Eric is unmoved. “F*&K Sookie,” he says resolutely, which coincidentally, both of these vampires have done numerous times.
Unfortunately, Beel and Eric have little time to reminisce about all those screws in the dirt, shower boinks, and snowball hallucination sex they each had with the blonde waitress, because the AUTHORITAY has come to bring their asses to justice . . .
Riding trapped in the trunk of a car, with their faces so close they could kiss, new bromantic buddies Bill and Eric plot their escape, while their captors rock out to late 70’s era elevator music. Ultimately, they opt to use an umbrella to access the car’s gas tank. They then proceed to blow that sh*t up. Ahh, the many benefits of being immortal, and having unlimited healing powers. Lying on the ground, face burned to a crisp, Bill twitches awkwardly, as Eric lifts him to safety. “I won’t leave you,” whispers Eric in his former nemesis’ ear.
“I just can’t quit you.”
How very Brokeback Mountain of the two men who, on more than one occasion almost killed one another over the Super Snatch of Sookie.
Their captor up too, and he’s raring for a fight, that is until his female companion shreds the bastard.
Turns out this is none other than Eric Northman’s “sister” . . . at least, in that they share the same maker. So, they are blood related, but not “blood” related, if you catch my drift. I’m only telling you this, because they end up screwing in some storage container moments later . . .
The Lannisters approve.
. . . as poor Beeel, waits outside, listening, and suffering from a serious case of these . . .
And I have to say, it’s kind of hot . . . or at least as hot as two ridiculously attractive people engaging in sort of/kind of incest can be. Then, Eric’s cell phone goes off, and the two start bickering. “We fight like siblings, but we f*&k like champions,” Eric tells Bill conversationally.
Later that night, Sister Nora leads Eric and Bill to a boat driven by someone who I guess is the equivalent of the vampire witness protection program. You see, even though it looks like Nora has just betrayed her position in the AUTHORITAY, by helping Eric and Beel escape, it seems like there may be a bit of schism among the vampire politicos. I smell a revolution!
Speaking of revolution, Eric and Bill never quite make it on to that boat, before they are ambushed, by a bunch of gun toting AUTHORITAY members. RUH-ROH!
Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps . . .
It’s time to dig up Tara and Pam. The latter pops out looking bored, as usual, and more than a bit eager to change out of that ridiculous outfit. But Tara seems a bit . . . unresponsive. This of course, is not exactly surprising considering that Pam had suggested that the latters little “brain-flap” issue, might leave her at best a f*&ktarded vampire, and a worst, just a stinky corpse. Sookie cries. Lafayette cries. Pam rolls her eyes.
In the weeks to come on True Blood, Eric, BEEL and Hoyt (?) don leathery S&M gear, Tara tries to EAT EVERYONE, Sookie screams a lot, Steve Newlin and Jess square off once again for Jason’s affections, and that dude from Law and Order quotes scripture, while wearing a really snazzy suit. And you can check out all of it, here . . .
So, round up your favorite ghosts, tightly secure your demon headgear, and for, heaven sakes, LOCK YOUR DOOR, because it’s time for the FINAL True Blood recap of the season . . .
(Oh, and as always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for all the brilliant screencaps!)
I Guess He REALLY Didn’t Like Those Eggs . . .
“PLEASE STOP! I promise I’ll scramble them next time!”
Lala hasn’t been himself, since he woke up this morning. He keeps giving Jesus the stinkeye, and not eating his eggs. Jesus thinks something is up with his lover, but he doesn’t want to pry, because that’s not what “good boyfriends” do . . .
“Are you mad, because I insisted on wearing my Demon Helmet, while we had sex?”
Ever the peacemaker, Jesus apologizes to Lala for pressuring him to use his TRULY AWFUL “gift” of inconveniently opening his mouth whenever angry ghosts are passing by. But still, Lala does not respond. So, Jesus just sadly kisses him. But when he does, he SMELLS SOMETHING ROTTEN . . .
“Did you forget to brush your teeth again, this morning, Lala? Because that sh*t is RANK!”
It smells like WITCHIPOO!
“Dammit! I knew I should have put on my Ghost Deodorant before crawling into Lafayette’s mouth. So STUPID!”
Of course, since we already knew that Witchipoo possessed Lala, after last week’s episode, this was no surprise at all. OH NO! Witchipoo is in Lafayette’s body. I’m bored SHOCKED! Lalapoo then stabs Jesus with his fork, and somehow manages to drag him into his house and tie him to a chair. Is this the beginning of a fun, S&M Brujo Sex Game, perhaps? I’m thinking not . . .
“If this is going to be a Sex Game, let me know. Because I really want to go grab my hat.”
But Jesus and Lalapoo aren’t the only ones who are having a rough morning . . .
Tara Forgets the Number One Rule of How to Stay Alive as a TV Character: NEVER Talk About Getting Old.
“Since I knew we were going to have a discussion about getting old, I thought I’d get into the mood, by wearing this ugly ass grandma nightgown.”
Tara (who spent the night at Sookie’s, because I don’t even know if she has a home anymore) heads into the kitchen to find Sookie all distraught and weepy. What else is new?
You see, Sookie has had this stain on her kitchen floor for years. And she just can’t seem to get rid of it . . .
Yeah, that’s really gross. Sorry about that. I tried to help, by making it smaller . . .
Sookie admits to Tara that she’s been feeling Granny’s presence lately. And she’s not “feeing her” in the sweet spiritual way people usually say they “feel” their dead loved one’s presence. Nope. She’s feeling Granny in the creepy, “I keep seeing her dead body on the floor, and am worried she’s going to get up from there and start baking pecan pie” way.
Then, randomly, Sookie starts talking about how she wants to one day become an old lady sitting on the porch with her grandkids. You know, because seeing a dead bloody old lady on your kitchen floor inspires nostalgia, or something. Then,Tara says she hopes to be an old lady on that porch, right along side Sookie . . .
Yeah, you just pretty much signed your death warrant, right there, Tara. (Or should I say, “Tarapoo.”) You see . . . Sookie? She’s the main character of the show. She can talk about being old all she wants, and nothing is going to happen to her. But YOU talk about getting old, and it’s pretty much a surefire trip to the grave or vampirism, for you. And we all know how much you HATE those vampires!
“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?”
Speaking of graves (and dead people) . . .
Is Maxine Fortenberry Going to Adopt EVERYONE on This Show?
“Poor Tommy Boy! I never did get to teach him the right way to wear my makeup.”
A word of warning, Kiddies! This is what’s going to happen to you, if you’re a screw-up. The only people who will end up attending your funeral are the two people you impersonated, and the one you had sex with, while you were impersonating one of them. In all seriousness though, I’m kind of disappointed that Jess didn’t attend Tommy’s funeral, because those two were good buds, back in the day . . .
In fact, Jess was the only “friend” Tommy never screwed over probably because he REALLY wanted to get in her panties.
Maxine and Sam commiserate over how much they are going to miss Tommy, even though he kind of treated them both like crap, most of the time. It’s interesting how tolerant Maxine was of Tommy, and all his flaws, when she was always so INTOLERANT of her own ridiculously well-behaved son, and HIS life choices.
“YEAH! Take that, Mom!”
Still, it was super sweet of Maxine to offer Sam the right to call her Mom, since he no longer has any family members to call his own. Here’s hoping that the growth Maxine has undergone this season, will enable her to make amends with her own son in Season 5. Because something tells me that man is going to need some SERIOUS motherly love, next season . . .
“Motherly love? Who needs motherly love? I just want to start getting laid again, DAMMIT!”
After the funeral, Sam and Luna start making out again What else is new?, and chatting about how wonderful their lives are, now that Greasypoo is dead.
“So, you’re a Skinwalker, right, Luna? Would it be terribly awkward if I asked you to shapeshift into Natalie Portman? I’ve really always wanted to bang her.”
Then Luna, who clearly watches more television than Tara, warns Sam that if they keep acting cheesy and overly happy, the world will come along and poop on them again. Well, at least she knows what she’s getting into . . .
Speaking of people who are constantly getting their ass kicked by life . . .
Why Jason Should Seriously Consider Investing in Body Armor . . .
“Well, this feels familiar. But hey! At least I’m not getting straddled and screwed by underage, inbred, and toothless werepanthers. So . . . PROGRESS!”
Jason decides to come clean to Hoyt about having sex with Jess. And when Hoyt asks him “how,” he starts describing it rather graphically, by listing the various positions in which Jess and Jason got to know one another in the biblical sense. You know, because THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR . . .
In a parting shot to Jason, that truly seems to hurt him more than the sucker punches and groin kicks ever will (Well, maybe not the groin kicks. I hear those are TERRIBLE!), Hoyt tells his former(?) best friend that he will never find true love, because something inside of him is missing . . .
Oh, don’t you worry, Jason! Whatever is missing inside of you, I will gladly go in there and fix it. 😉
That night, Jessica heads to Jason’s house dressed as a Slutty Red Riding Hood. (Did I forget to mention that it’s Halloween in Bon Temps? Well, it is!)
Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching a porno entitled “Little Red Riding Pussy?”
After sex, Jessica wants to bolt, so she can go eat something. And it’s a TOTAL role reversal, because Jason is adorably pouting, and wondering whether she wants to leave because, he’s not a good lay (AS IF?!), or because he is “missing something inside,” like Hoyt said he was. Jessica comforts him by telling him that he has sexy hip bones (among other things). It’s just that she’s not ready to be in a serious relationship yet, after what happened with Hoyt. And, oh yeah, she still wants to EAT other people . . .
“Well, OK . . . as long as you brush your teeth, afterwards.”
Jason tries to act like he’s cool with it. But, honestly, I’m not sure he means it. He definitely seems like he wants more from the relationship than just sex. Because, when you think about it, aside from him being a huge Man Slut, back in Season 1, Jason is actually a REAL “Relationship Guy” . . . someone who always seems to really love the women he dates . . . even that Nutbar Crystal!
I never said he had good taste . . .
To make matters even more awkward, the “new not-so-couple”, keep talking about Hoyt, in the context of their sex lives, which is actually kind of creepy . . .
“Come on, people! You know you want a piece of this!”
Shortly after Jessica leaves, there’s a knock at the door. And poor Jason gets all giddy, because he thinks Jessica has changed her mind, and decided to spend the night. But it’s DEFINITELY not Jessica at the door. It’s THIS GUY. . .
That’s the preppiest f*&king vampire I’ve ever seen!
So, how does the HEAD of the Vampire-Hating Fellowship of the Sun end up becoming a fanger, himself? I don’t know. And we are probably going to have to wait until Season 5 to find out. But am I the only one wondering whether this whole scene was just a Big Fat Tease? After all, this IS a Halloween episode. And it wouldn’t be hard for a guy like Steve Newlin to head over to some costume shop to purchase some realistic retractable teeth, in order to scare the stuffing out of the man who screwed his wife back in Season 2.
“Seriously, Lalapoo, what kind of chair is this? This is the most uncomfortable chair I have ever sat in! Of all the chairs in this place, why did you have to tie me up in this ugly piece of crap? It’s giving me a wedgie. Plus, I’m in SCRUBS! No one should have to die in scrubs . . . SO UNFLATTERING!”
Lalapoo is trying to convince Jesus to give up his Really Nifty Helmet Head Power. But Jesus is not down with that. He says you can’t trade magic like Pokemon cards . . .
Little does Jesus know that Lalapoo has a MASSIVE Pokemon card collection, back in the Moongoddess Emporium. And that’s where he/she gets all her powers from! Jesus doesn’t want Lala’s inner Witchipoo to hurt his boyfriend, so he starts doing that weird chanting thing again. And then LALAPOO STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH!
Sorry, wrong Jesus. Thanks for coming, though!
So, it turns out, you CAN trade magic powers like Pokemon cards. Because now LALAPOO is wearing that ugly helmet. But here’s the weird thing. It suddenly MATCHES LALAPOO’S outfit? Who knew Demon Helmets had such great fashion sense?
Pretty in Purple
Matching abilities aside, as far as Evil Head Gear goes, Demon Hat is, at best, a second place finisher, for me. I mean, I don’t know about you, but my heart will always belong to the Ribcage Hat . . .
Speaking of weird outfits . . .
Alert the Media – Sookie Actually Goes to Work (and spends the entire time hitting on Alcide)!
So, did it occur to you that Sookie hasn’t showed up at work this ENTIRE season? It sure didn’t occur to Sam, who assumed she was just “going through some stuff” when she ditched her shifts for an ENTIRE WEEK! Sookie reminds Sam that he sort of / kind of fired her.
And Sam tells her that he wasn’t himself that day. He was Tommy. So, he decides to give Sookie her job back, provided she wears Playboy Bunny ears for Halloween. Sounds like a fair trade, right? I mean, at least she didn’t have to wear something AWFUL, like those zombie costumes Terry and Arlene were wearing, right? (Oh . . . wait . . . you’re telling me they CHOSE to look like that? Never mind then . . .)
By the way, want to ensure your kid gets knocked up at an early age, Arlene? Let her dress up like THAT for Halloweeen . . .
Sookie takes off her bunny ears FAST, when Alcide arrives at the bar to tell her, he’s not necessarily in love with her, but they should date anyway, because they are WAY less crazy than all the other wackadoos in this town. At first, I thought that sounded like a really unromantic proposition. Then, I remembered what Alcide’s ass looks like . . .
. . . and his BEAUTIFULLY SEXY NIPPLES . . .
. . . and decided it was a great offer . . .
Sookie didn’t take it though. Because she’s still all about BEEEEEELLL and ERRRRRIIIIC. More on that later. Anyway, Alcide can’t stay and hit on Sookie much longer. He just got a call from one of his construction workers. Apparently, a vampire glamoured him, dug a BIG FAT HOLE right in the middle of the CEMENT parking lot, and left. I bet you know who was in that HOLE, right?
You know, I’m so glad that Alan Ball decided not to kill Screaming Ginger this Season, like Charlaine Harris did in Book 4. Because, if he had, Pam would have had no one to ride on her coffin . . .
Or hug Pam, while she freaked out over F*ckin Sookie (Yes, I’ve decided to call her that for the rest of the recap, once again) and her tendency to make all the male cast members on this show turn to mush (more on that later.)
(You’ve gotta admit, as far as psycho serial killers go, this one was kind of charming . . .)
Surprise! All season Arlene’s been worried that her baby is an Evil Spawn possessed by Papa Vampire Killer, Rene . . .
So, you can imagine Arlene’s surprise, when Rene’s Ghost DOES come to see her, right after that whole SUPER ANNOYING Baby Storyline has ended. Even more surprising, he’s being NICE! He just wants to warn Arlene that her second husband might very well be just as big of a sociopath as her first one, so she should RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST . . .
“Wait . . . why am I hugging you? You’re the one he’s talking about!”
Actually, that’s not exactly what Ghost Rene said. Ghost Rene simply said that the Ghosts of Terry’s past won’t stay buried forever. I kind of take that meaning literally. After all, Terry is a war veteran who cracked up, after serving his country. He’s probably killed a LOT of people, who aren’t too happy about it. What I’m saying is, I don’t think it was a coincidence that Arlene and Terry dressed up like zombies this year for Halloween . . . I think it was meant to foreshadow a future storyline.
In other Ghosts of the Past News (perhaps not so ghostly . . . yet) Noel from Felicity Terry’s old war buddy, Patrick, is back in town to see Terry. And he seems to be pretty darn hot. How did he manage to stay so hot? up to something not-so-kosher . . .
Like stealing Felicity away from Ben, perhaps?
All Those Ghosts Together in One Place, and NO ONE Thought to Do The Thriller Dance? FAIL!
Waitress / Resident Witch Holly is sparking a doobie, while talking to F*&kin Sookie about how the town feels weirder than usual tonight. She’s saying all this while she’s dressed as a fairy . . . you know, because fairy’s AREN’T scary. HAHA!
“I am SO high right now, I’m starting to think this outfit actually looks good on me.”
Then, Tara the Killjoy comes by to tell the girls that Jesus is not-so-much alive anymore. And Lala, is not-so-much Lala, as he is Witchipoo. (Talk about KILLING A GOOD BUZZ!) So, the threesome race to the cemetery, while Holly dopily digs through her purse / Emergency Eitch Spell Making Kit (Buy them at CVS for $4.99), for something to combat possession . . . Or whatever it is you call it, when someone flies into your mouth. Then, forces you to kill your boyfriend, and wear his weird hat.
“I only make constipated faces, because I care.”
At the cemetery, Charlie’s Lala’s Angels arrive to find that Lalapoo has helpfully stripped the Viking Vampire and King Cockblock, and tied them to some vaguely phallic-looking object (a tree?). Sound familiar?
And yet despite being silvered and in GREAT DANGER, King Cockblockand his New Boyfriend, Viking Vampire still manage to find time to flirt with one another . . .
Ah! The fresh bloom of Old and Decrepit Love! So sweet!
The group try to distract Lalapoo by saying silly things to him / her, like “Revenge won’t bring you peace,” and other such B.S. (SO UNTRUE!), while Holly tiptoes around circling the area in salt. You know . . . because every good barbecue requires a nice heaping helping of salt.
“Shhhh! Be very, very quiet . . . I’m hunting Lalapoo!”
Oh, yeah, I said “barbecue,” didn’t I? id I forget to mention that Lalapoo LIT THE NAKED VAMPIRES ON FIRE LIKE A BIG OLE WEINER-FILLED SHISH KABOB? Well, he/she did!
“So, I know weiners are supposed to shrink in the “cold and wet?” Does that mean that they ENLARGE in the “hot and dry?” In that case, hey Sookie! Get a load of my HOT ROD!”
Then F*&kin Sookie does her little glow finger thing, and temporarily knocks out Lalapoo, which only causes him/her to put on that nifty Demon Hat AGAIN . . . (Sheesh! Boring! A little variety in headgear wouldn’t hurt, Lalapoo! Tim Gunn would NOT approve!)
“Ooooh, you’ve got to . . . let your body VOGUE to the mu-sic.”
Now, as much as I didn’t want my Eric to become casserole, I’m actually kind of glad F*&kin Sookie’s Cure All Glow Finger’s Didn’t Work, this time. I was getting SUPER tired of the writers always using her lightbulb hands to get out of the various messes they created for themselves his season.
Then, the girls started chanting, something that sounded suspiciously like, “Friends, Romans, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your Dead Ears.” And in the most unintentionally hilarious scene in the entire episode, all the DEAD inhabitants of the cemetery, started WADDLING TOWARD LALAPOO, including, you guessed it, Sweet Old, Perpetual Muumuu-Wearing, Adele Stackhouse . . .
. . . and the oddly likeable (even though she really is the one who got us into this mess, in the first place), Antonia . . .
. . . who, after an entire season, FINALLY got to wash her face. And you know what that means for Witchipoo, right?
So, first Antonia puts out the fire that’s been grilling our vampires. And then Adele reaches into Lalapoo’s mouth, and removes the “poo” from it . . . the WITCHIPOO, that is . . .
Oh, that is gross! I mean, you just KNOW that, up in Heaven, Adele is BAKING PECAN PIES WITH THAT HAND!
So, Lala is now un-poo’ed, and writhing on the floor. But, other than that, he’s OK . . . you know, other than being TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE. At this point in the story, I’m REALLY looking forward to something TRULY AWFUL happening to Witchipoo, to pay her back being such a HEINOUS ASSHOLE the entire season . . . something like THIS . . . (Sorry, I couldn’t find a version that was in English. But I think you will get the idea . . .)
Instead, we got this ANNOYING ASS therapy session, courtesy of Grandma Stackhouse, in which we learned how SAD AND LONELY, POOR Witchipoo was; and how, now, she can be at peace with herself and her Ghost Friends, and blah, blah, blah . . .
Cry me a river, Toots!
And then Marnie just got to WALK OFF INTO THE MOONLIGHT with her new see-through pals. SERIOUSLY?
You got that right, Witchipoo! You deserved WAY WORSE!
Cue F*&kin Sookie crying AGAIN, about how lonely SHE is, and how grandma can’t leave her again. And will someone please call the WAAAAAAH-MBULANCE, for this one! So, Grandma Stackhouse tells her kin “Shut the f*&ck up . . . You’re friend just HAD A WITCH YANKED OUT OF HIS MOUTH, WHO KILLED HIS BOYFRIEND. HAVE SOME FRIGGIN RESPECT!
You know, because “we’re all alone in the end.” This is either the wisest, or most depressing piece of advice, I have ever heard. I haven’t decided yet . . .
Then Eric and King Cockblock interrupt this lame touching moment to remind everybody that “Hey, we’re still here . . . naked . . . and chargrilled . . . please HELP!”
Speaking of our Ambiguously Gay Vampire Duo . . .
Slumber Party at King Cockblock’s House!
“You HAD to get me a robe that matched, yours? You mean to tell me, you didn’t have ONE single robe in your closet that didn’t look exactly like the one you are wearing? You’re a KING, for crying out loud!”
OK, now I like a good threesome as much as the next girl. But I’ll be the first to admit that I HATED this scene, which began with Eric and Cockblock sucking Sookie’s arms AT THE SAME TIME! (I guess she felt that, by having one suck before the other, she’d be PLAYING FAVORITES! Heaven forbid!) I hated how these two supposedly strong vampires, were looking at this Whiny FAIRY all moony and dopey eyed, as she gave them each her trademark Losing Game Show Contestant Speech, for the 85th time, since this series has started.
Here’s how it went down (at least, in my head):
“Eric you are great at sex. Bill you are great at . . . playing Wii. You both did a fairly adequate job of being my boyfriend. But, unfortunately, you are both out. Thanks for playing, ‘Let’s Get into Sookie’s Pants.’ Better luck next time!”
The only mildly funny part, was when Bill offered Sookie to Eric, “out of the goodness of his heart,” clearly expecting Eric to do the same thing. Instead, Eric grabs Sookie’s arm, drags her toward the door like an excited toddler, and says, more or less, “COOLl! YIPPEE! I WIN!”
But he didn’t win. He lost. Bill lost. They all LOST . . . Then, Sookie cried . . . AGAIN . . .
I’ve decided that, next season, I’m going to play a drinking game, where I do a shot every time someone on this show cries. (Two for F*&kin Sookie). Coincidentally, I have a feeling I’m going to need to have my stomach pumped A LOT next summer.
In completely unrelated news . . .
Andy Must REALLY Like Fairies . . .
Sorry for the TOTAL lack of transition. I just had no where else to put this completely random scene. You see, last week Andy had sex with a real fairy. This week he propositioned a FAKE Fairy (Holly), to be his girlfriend. You know, because he is lonely, and two days sober . . . and stuff. (Now, if that’s not a TOTAL catch, I don’t know what is . . .)
I’m just glad SOMEONE chose to f*&k a fairy that wasn’t F*&kin Sookie . . .
Anywhoo, on to my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE scene of the evening . . .
“Hi, Nan and Gay Storm Troopers . . . Bye Nan, and Gay Storm Troopers.”
Yeah, so, after Cockblock and Viking are rejected by Sookie, they go to Cockblock’s office to make out discuss business. Then, Nan shows up with her, (as Eric calls them) Gay Storm Troopers.
(In case this hasn’t already been made TOTALLY clear, I LOVE ERIC! He had ALL the best one liners of the finale. Save the one about the Fairy Vagina . . . and well . . . the one that Cockblock is about to make, in a few minutes.)
Anywhoo . . . Nan has, apparently, been sent by the American Vampire League to KILL Eric and Cockblock for Conduct Unbecoming a Fanger. . .
She gets to do this, even though she’s already been fired by the AVL for, you know, sucking at her job and stuff . . . But Nan has plan that will allow Eric and Bill to live.
They can join her in her little Mutiny against the AVL. (Hmmm . . . maybe SHE was the one who orchestrated Russell’s “release” from cement?) Correction: They MUST join in the mutiny, or Fairy Sookie is VERY, VERY DEAD. “Come on, I see the way you both look at her like, puppy dogs,” says Nan. (And you have to admit. Girlfriend has a point.)
Unfortunately, for Nan, Eric and Cockblock don’t see it that way. Eric takes off all THREE Gay Storm Troopers heads, so fast, you would think he was just opening three bottles of soda (which is kind of what it looks like). And I just wish I had an animated GIF for it, because it was the MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
So, remember when I told you that Cockblock had a great one-liner in this episode? (Well, aside from his “Eric as brain-damaged” line, which, admittedly, was pretty funny too.) Here it is . . .
And you know when he said it? Right after he did THIS, that’s when . . .
Poor Lala certainly isn’t one of them. (But don’t worry, I’ll get to them later.) He’s in Sookie’s bed, inconsolate over the loss of Jesus. But since it’s Halloween Jesus is able to pop in, and give him a sweet goodbye, reminding Lala that it’s not his fault that he’s dead. Well, actually, if only Lala knew how to keep his mouth shut, literally, Jesus might still be alive. But hey, let’s not be picky, all right? The boy is hurting here.
Ever the pragmatist, Jesus tells Lala that he’s actually HAPPY that his life ended the way that it did. Because now he never has to end up old andhanging out with F*&kin Sookie on that damn porch!, dying of cancer, and suffering from bed sores. At first, I thought Jesus was just being nice to Lala, by saying all this. I mean NO ONE wants to die in their late twenties, from a psychopath’s stab wound, all because of a stupid ugly helmet, right?
Then I remembered that Jesus was a hospital orderly at an old age home / mental institution. He watched people rust out and fade away for a living. So, the notion of getting old must have scared the beejeezus out of Jesus. And in that sense, maybe he really DOESN’T mind dying young . . . I hope not, for his sake, at least.
And yes, I’ll admit that even MY cold, cold heart was touched when Jesus told Lafayette that, because he is a medium, and Jesus is a ghost, in some sense, they will always be together . . .
All together now . . . AWWWW!
OK. Well, now that you’re feeling all warm and fuzzy in side, I’m going to go ahead and DESTROY that feeling. You know why? Because, after all that F*&KIN Sookie has been through in her life, she STILL DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO LOCK HER DOOR. And that’s why THIS happens . . .
Did you catch all that? Here’s what happened, Trailer Trash Debbie WALKED RIGHT INTO SOOKIE’S KITCHEN, AND SHOT AT HER. Then, Tara rushed in front of the bullet, Secret Service Style, and kind of lost her head (Too Soon?). Then Sookie straddles Debbie, yanks the gun from her, and SHOOTS HER POINT BLANK IN THE FACE!
So, to recap my recap . . . Jesus is dead . . . definitely . . . as are the Gay Storm Troopers, Nan, Trailer Trash Debbie and Witchipoo . . . along with Rene and all those lame ghosts in the cemetery who wouldn’t do the Thriller Dance for me. Russell Edgington is now UNDEAD, and so is Steve Newlin . . . MAYBE.
Tara may also be dead . . . or . . . undead, depending on who hears Sookie’s Sounds-Like-A-Drowning-Cat screams for help (Heaven forbid she call 911, like a NORMAL person): Lala the Ghost Sucker, who sometimes sucks up Witch Doctors, Sookie’s vampire non-boyfriends, or . . . NOBODY.
Sorry, Tarapoo! Maybe next time if there is a next time you will learn not to talk to Sookie about visiting her on the porch when you get old . . .
And that was the Season 4 True Blood Finale, in a nutshell. So . . . let’s talk about it. Did you think it was Fangtastic? Or did it SUCK? Sound off in the comment section below.
Oh, and since I suspect I won’t be seeing some of you for awhile unless you watch The Vampire Diaries. You really should watch The Vampire Diaries. Please watch The Vampire Diaries, or I will have to bite you! I wanted to thank all of my fabulously fun, and brilliant readers and commenters for making this one heck of an awesome Summer TV Viewing Season. I couldn’t have done this without you!
PAM: “Damn, there were A LOT of dead bodies in this episode! Bon Temps just became an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!”
ERIC: “And, best yet, there’s Witchipoo Creme Pie for Dessert!”
BILL: “I don’t know . . . the last time I ate a batsh*t crazy sociopath, I had heartburn for a WEEK!”
Greetings Fangbangers! We’ve got just one episode left, before True Blood‘s fourth season flies off to that Big Ole’ Blood Bank in the sky. And if this week’s installment was any indication, our Bon Temps buddies are going to go out with a BANG . . .
. . . a whimper . . .
. . . and a whole lotta sucking (but in a good way, of course) . . .
But that’s NEXT WEEK. In the meantime, we have plenty to talk about, THIS WEEK . . . like, for example whether Jesus got his Darth Vader helmet at Brujos R’ Us . . . whether an Inpenetrable Force Field could double as a microwave . . . and, perhaps, most importantly, whether the heart of Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion really does taste like chicken. So, fire up your rocket launcher, hold your glow finger high, and, for heaven sakes, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, Lafayette . . . because it’s time for your weekly recap . . .
(As always, special thanks to skarsgardfans.com for the spectacular screencaps you see here.)
Vampire RAGE = PMS (Who knew?)
You know, I never noticed this before, but King Cockblock has a little Butt Wiggle in his walk. Think he picked that up in the Cofederate Army? (Don’t ask, don’t tell . . . anyone?)
When we last left our Undead Matrix Cover Band, they were walking in slow motion toward the Moon Goddess Emporium (or, as I like to call it Hogwarts for Psychos), armed and ready to kick some Witchipoo ASS! Well, it must have been REALLY slow motion, because an ENTIRE WEEK has passed, and they are still making the trip! As the crew continue their LONNNNNNG journey, they attempt to inspire eachother with maxims like, “Let’s blow up this dipshit,” and “This is what PMS used to feel like.”
Then Jason appears, and lays a heavy guilt trip on them for having the audacity to explode a place with “F*ckin’ Sookie” inside of it.
“Coincidentally F*ckin’ Sookie was the name of a garage band I played for in high school.”
After all, “F*kin’ Sookie has been so very kind to King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric . . . doing things for them like screwing their brains out in the shower, screwing their brains out in the dirt, screwing their brains out in Narnia letting them drink her blood when they needed to heal, and lending her their home when they needed a place to screw someone’s brains out hide from their enemies, and/or work out their Amnesia Issues.
King Cockblock and No-Longer Amnesia Eric eventually agree that these were, in fact, very nice things for F*ckin’ Sookie to do. And so they eventually decide that they will not blow her up, after all. But they will let her blow them later. Who said vampires didn’t have working hearts?
Once that’s done, Jason has a little chat with Baby Vamp Jessica. He can’t understand WHY ON EARTH she’d be pissed at him. I mean, it’s not like he had sex with her, and then told her he wanted to forget doing it, or anything . . . oh wait . . . he did.
“If it makes you feel any better, I forget the names of most of the girls I sleep with, anyway!”
Meanwhile, inside Hogwarts for Psychos . . .
Lose Weight Fast, By Puking Up Your Friends
Because it sure as heck beats exercising . . .
Just like our vampires spent the entire week walking about a meter, our reluctant coven spent the week whining about how they wanted to go home. Witchipoo’s Wacky Minion quotes some old song, by telling the group that “they can check out if they want to, but they can never leave.” Quoting this line had the effect of making me want to yank Wacky Minion by his hair, and toss him around the room like a javelin. Some pop culture references are cute, and some are just obnoxious. It is up to you to know the difference . . .
Hotel California? Seriously? How OLD are YOU?
Then Witchipoo ACTUALLY gives the coven permission to leave. (How kind of her!) She even goes as far as to offer her “friends” a weapon with which to try and defeat the vampires, upon exiting the premises . . .
But when one of the witches actually makes a run for it, Witchipoo telekenetically raises the stake and plunges it directly into the woman’s heart, killing her almost instantly. “Marnie?” The woman gasps, shocked that her former friend would go so far as to MURDER her, as a result of their ideological differences . . .
“I know you’re Team Jacob, and I’m Team Edward, but that’s no reason to KILL ME!”
In protest of the Witch Homicide, Antonia pukes herself out of Witchipoo, and starts yelling at her for killing one of their own.
“Oof! I’m never eating Ancient Spanish Chick AGAIN!”
“Evil has BLOSSOMED in you,” says Antonia in that awesome accent of hers . . .
Antonia is SO done playing Witchipoo Games! She wants to blow this popsicle stand, STAT! Then, Witchipoo does this spell to force Antonia back in her body, leaving Antonia with no other recourse against Witchipoo, than to give her a really nasty case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome . . .
But worry not, kiddies, Jesus has an idea!
He pretends that the dead witch still has a pulse. This gives Jesus and Lala the opportunity to drag Dead Witch into the bathroom, and use her in some weird spell to bring Antonia back out of Witchipoo’s body. And you just KNOW Demon Head / Poor Man’s Darth Vader Hat is going to be involved in this one.
While Jesus is preparing himself for a bad case of Hat Head, F*ckin’ Sookie and Holly are outside, trying to convince Witchipoo to “negotiate” with the vampires.
They do this, by basically blowing smoke up her ass (and we all know how good Sookie is at blowing things), and telling her what a “nice person” she is.
Yes, Caroline. I thought that was funny too!
Eventually, Witchipoo DOES agree to negotiate. But she brings Sookie with her (“The vampires seem to like you,” she says), and sends her very own ZOMBIE vampires out ahead of her, to beat the sh*t out of OUR vampires make sure the coast is clear . . .
Meanwhile, over in Thank You Lord, for Ending this Annoying “V” Storyline, Anything You Could Possibly Come Up with MUST Be an Improvement Over That Nonsense the Forest of Andy Bellefleur’s Subconscious . . .
Float Like a Butterfly, F*&k Like a Fairy . . . .
Was it as good for you, as it was for Tinkerbell?
Andy is wandering home from his forced intervention at Fort Bellefleur when he comes across a white light . . .
Don’t worry, it’s not THAT white light! It’s the white light that comes from Freaks with Glow Fingers, like F*ckin’ Sookie, a.k.a. fairies . . .
“I’m my own night light!”
As it turns out, the Fairy’s name is Moron Maurella. She shoots Andy down with her magic glow fingers . . .
Then she straddles him, makes his finger glow, and screws the stuffing out of him, but not until after he promises to “protect her.” (Men will say anything to get laid these days, won’t they?) Andy arrives home many hours later, and tells Arlene his Fairy Sex Story. Arlene, of course, thinks he’s crazy and/or tripping on V. But hey, what does she know. This is the woman who thought her murderous dead ex-husband was reborn inside her baby . . . No accounting for sanity THERE!
Coincidentally, rumor has it that this is our Super Villain, in Season 5 . . .(Just kidding . . . or am I? ;))
In other secondary storyline news . . .
Bye Bye, Greasypoo!
“I may not have a SUPER SEXY ASS like Alcide, but I still want to make little hairy babies with you, Trailer Trash Debbie.”
Greasypoo is still trying to put the moves on Trailer Trash Debbie, who, to her credit, seems to be rejecting his advances. (I guess she’s not as blind as I thought.)
I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . and repeating . . . and repeating.
Of course, the fact that she’s SITTING IN BED WITH HIM WEARING SLINKY LINGERIE doesn’t exactly help her cause . . .
“Hey! For your information, this is the classiest outfit I own. I even wore it to a wedding, just last week.”
As it turns out, Greasypoo has kidnapped the kid he raised with Luna (a.k.a. Emma), and wants to run away with Debbie so that the pair could raise it together. Honestly, I think that’s kind of weird. I mean, who meets someone, and, two days later, wants to run away and start birthing babies with them? A Wackadoo Greasypoo, that’s who!
Speaking of Wackadoos, Sam’s busy going all Dirty Harry (maybe more like Joe Pesci) on one of Greasypoo’s loyal pack members at the autobody shop that Greasypoo owns . . .
“You think I’m funny? Do I amuse you?”
He’s doing this, of course, because he wants to find Greasypoo and kill him, in order to avenge Tommy Boy’s death. I also think, secretly, he gets off on waving guns in people’s faces . . .
Then Luna rushes in, demanding to know what Greasypoo did with her daughter.
Conveniently enough, Emma calls her mom right at that moment. And Alcide recognizes the telephone number as his OWN. GREASYPOO IS IN ALCIDE’S HOUSE WITH LUNA’S KID! Now that’s just CRAZY!
Sam, Alcide and Luna storm Alcide’s house. And on Sam’s instruction, Luna takes her daughter outside. And that’s when the Greasypoo REALLY hits the fan . . .
At first, Greasypoo and Sam fight like “REAL MEN,” i.e. without weapons, and in human form. Sam may be little, but he sure is scrappy! And he’s got vengeance on his side. The spry shifter eventually straddles and incapacitates Greasypoo (KINKY!). “Live with that,” taunts Sam. Then Greasypoo cheats by starting to shift. He also picks up a gun. This sounds like a job for SUPER ALCIDE . . .
“Grrrr . . . Me . . . Alcide . . . You . . . Dead Man.”
Alcide strangles Greasypoo until he becomes Corpseypoo. Trailer Trash Debbie then rushes to his side, and tries to make amends. But Alcide isn’t hearing it. He starts to do this weird little chant that book readers know as the “Werewolf Abjure.” It may sound like your typical breakup talk, but it isn’t. It’s a BIG DEAL. When you abjure someone in the werewolf religion, you and your fellow pack members LITERALLY pretend they are invisible for the rest of eternity. Talk about getting closure in a breakup!
“No wait! I thought abjure had something to do with Alcide’s ABS! Take it back! Take it back!”
Unfortunately, I didn’t catch ALL of the Abjure chant, but I did pick up the good stuff, like this: “I will see you no longer. I will share flesh with you no longer.”
“Haha! He said ‘share flesh’ as a euphemism for SEX! (And yes . . . I AM twelve.)”
Then the scene gets a little sad, when Sam walks out of the house, and Emma asks him where her daddy is. We didn’t get to hear his response. I’m guessing Sam said something like, “in that Big Ole Dog Pound in the Sky.” Don’t worry Emma! At least, you will always have Cat Barbie and Dog Barbie to keep you company!
Did you ever notice how much Cat Barbie looks like Trailer Trash Debbie? Weird . . .
Everybody Loves F*ckin’ Sookie (well . . . except Pam . . . and Jessica . . . and Witchipoo . . . and all those fans who would jump through the screen and MURDER HER if Eric actually committed suicide, on her behalf)
Though the zombie vampire sheriffs make a valiant effort to kill the Matrix Cover Band, they are ultimately unsuccessful. The MALE vampire sheriff gets de-hearted rather quickly. And the female gets gang banged by Eric, Bill and Sookie is incapacitated nearly as quickly. And yet, she is STILL spouting out her loyalties toward “Antonia Ladadeda Blahblahblah” or whatever the f*&k her name is. Friggin ZOMBIE!
We interrupt this Hallmark Moment to bring you a message from Witchipoo. Actually, it’s less of a “message” and more of a statement. Witchypoo gets the Zombie Sheriff back on her feet only to TOSS HER INTO THE FORCEFIELD AND TURN HER INTO BLOODY TIE DYE . . .
“Oooh, that blood clot looks kind of like a bear . . . and that one looks like a lion . . . and that one looks like Kanye West.”
Here are the terms of Marnie’s “Negotiation.” Sookie will be released from Hogwarts for Psychos, if Bill and Eric off themselves.
Seriously? That’s the stupidest “offer” I’ve ever heard. I know . . . I know it’s supposed to be all sweet, and romantic, and honorable, and blah, blah, blah that these two big powerful men would be willing to give up their lives for F*&kin’ Sookie, and all. But COME ON! I mean, who would run Fangtasia? Who would become the NEW reigning King Cockblock? Who would save vampire kind from Witchipoo? Who would TELL THE TWO DEAD VAMPIRES WHETHER WITCHIPOO HELD UP HER END OF THE BARGAIN?
Yeah, so apparently, having sex with a fairy doesn’t just make vampires HIGH, it also makes them UNBELIEVABLY STUPID, because both Bill and Eric take the deal. “I’ll shoot Eric, and then Pam will shoot me,” Bill says, almost boredly. (Wait? Don’t you need wooden bullets to shoot vampires? Why would the Matrix Cover Band carry guns with WOODEN BULLETS to fight witches?)
Of course, Sookie is making THIS FACE . . .
. . . which makes me EVEN MORE ANNOYED. Because why the heck would you sacrifice so much for someone who makes faces like that . . .
No offense, Dawson Leery . . .
. . . or Will Schuester!
So, Eric gets on his knees, just like he did when he was giving Sookie pleasure about to be given the Truth Death by Vampire Bill, THE FIRST TIME, earlier this season.
And then Eric gives Sookie this calm, loving, look that almost breaks my heart, and makes me forget what a moron he’s being . . .
I said ALMOST . . .
Aside from it being patently ridiculous that BOTH King Cockblock and Eric would ACTUALLY DO THIS FOR SOOKIE, my main problem with this scene was that it included no inherent danger. I mean, we all KNEW unfortunately King Cockblock wasn’t going to CROAK, and neither was Eric. So, really, it was just a matter of time, before SOMEONE stepped in to help.
That someone is Pam. She shoots a rocket launcher right at the Force Field, and almost blows up Sookie. (I’d be lying, if I said that doesn’t make me laugh, just a little bit . . .)
“Thar she blows!”
After the explosion, Witchipoo takes Sookie, and rushes back inside. I guess that is her way of saying negotiations are over . . .
Then, Eric makes Pam cry for having the AUDACITY to try to save her Maker’s life, over the life of Some Waitress . . .
Now, based on the message boards, I know that a lot of you were REALLY pissed at our man, Eric, for going off on Pam, like he did. After all, she was just doing what she was “raised” to do, right? Protect her Maker? And you would think that Eric, of all people, would understand how difficult it is to watch your Maker, who you love more than life itself, commit suicide, for what you see as NO GOOD REASON AT ALL . . .
And yet, let me play Devil’s Advocate here, for just a moment. What if Bill and Eric weren’t planning to sacrifice themselves, after all? As I said, a mere ordinary bullet from a gun, wouldn’t be enough to kill a vampire. So, what if Bill and Eric had planned to FAKE their own deaths, to get Witchipoo to let down her defenses and release Sookie? Then, they would simply kill her, when she was most vulnerable. King Cockblock and Eric, of course, wouldn’t have told their progeny about this, because they would have wanted their reactions to the “deaths” to be real.
“Come back, King Cockblock! Who will keep me from getting laid now . . . Hoyt?”
However, if THIS was the case, Pam not only disobeyed her Maker’s wishes, she also SINGLEHANDEDLY RUINED the plan. Now, if that’s not a good reason for a scolding, I don’t know what is!
Admittedly, King Cockblock is a bit more understanding of HIS progeny’s angry reaction to HIS suicide attempt. “Don’t you EVER do that to me again,” scolds Jess.
And King Cockblock just nods silently, and pulls her in for a big long hug. All together now . . . “Awwwwww!”
Oh, but before you get too comfortable, SOMETHING VERY BAD HAPPENS TO JASON! He gets barbecued in the Force Field . . .
Man! You can tell Jess must love that boy A LOT! Because she keeps looking at him lovingly and stroking his face, even though he currently looks like spaghetti with teeth . . . Then, Jess feeds him her blood for a second time. And he heals. And it’s all lovey dovey reunions, and hearts and flowers between them again. “Even without your blood, I can’t stop thinking about you naked,” admits Jason. That’s funny! Even without Jessica’s blood, I can’t stop thinking about JASON naked, either!”
You know what all this means, don’t you? MORE PICKUP TRUCK F*&KS! 🙂
Can I get a HELL YEAH!
Blood Puddle, Blood Puddle on the Floor, Who’s the Deadest One of All?
Ding, Dong, the Witch is DEAD! (Which old witch? The WICKED WITCH) Ding, dong, the Wicked Witch is DEADDDDD!
You know how in Snow White, the Wicked Queen talks to a creepy mirror with eyeballs . . . and it tells her that Snow White is the fairest one of all, which TOTALLY pisses off the Queen, who probably used to be REALLY hot, back in the day? Well, Witchipoo doesn’t own a mirror (Obviously! Have you SEEN some of those outfits she wears!) So she has to improvise, by looking at her reflection in . . . wait for it . . . SOME DEAD WITCH’S BLOOD!
SERIOUSLY! And the Blood Puddle pretty much tells her (1) the vampires are still outside Hogwarts for Psychos; and (2) she’s going to die. So, Witchipoo tells the witches they will ALL die, if they don’t hold hands and play Ring Around the Rosey with her. They do. And outside, this starts to happen . . .
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out. You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about . . .
Who knew vampires were such awesome DANCERS, right? Oh wait . . . I DID!
Now, it’s time for Jason to rescue JESS 🙂 . . . and Bill 😦 . . . by keeping them from Hokey Pokeying right into the Force Field of DOOM!
“What am I? Chopped liver? I want to be rescued too!”
Inside the Not-So-Secret Secret Circle of Hogwarts for Psychos, F*ckin’ Sookie HEARS Jason’s distress, and uses her glow fingers to break apart the circle AND stop all that Random Vampire Dancing.
Damon may approve, but Witchipoo, most certainly DOES NOT! She puts Sookie in a Burning Ring of Fire. (She fell in to a Burning Ring of Fire. She went down, down, down, and the flames crept higher . . . and it burns, burns, burns, the Ring of Firrrrrre . . . the Ring of fFre. Dammit! Now I have that song stuck in my head . . . and so do YOU! ;))
Somewhere in a nearby rest room, Jesus is drinking Dead Witch’s blood (which is not a very Jesus thing to do), and calling upon his Evil Darth Vader-like family spirits to help him (which also isn’t a very Jesus thing to do), and cutting his wrists (which also isn’t . . . never mind).
“Why oh why, did I have baked beans and Poor Man’s Darth Vader for breakfast.”
“Lala? Does my Inner Evil Demon make me look fat?”
“Hey Jesus! You have a little something on your face . . .”
Once Jesus is wearing his Supposed to Be Scary Looking, But is Actually Makes Me Giggle Mask, THINGS start happening . . . like the deactivation of the Forcefield of DOOOOM, and the regurgitation of Antonia (for good, this time), and the de-conflagration of F*ckin’ Sookie. I gotta say, that’s one busy Stupid Mask. It just goes to show you, never doubt a guy who’s named after Jesus, even if his (grandfather IS a goatlicker).
Never . . . gets . . . old. (For me, anyway!)
In a flash, the vamps have stormed Hogwarts for Psychos, and F*ckin Sookie tells them not to kill the other witches, because they are innocent. Then that MORON minion says that if the vampires want to kill Witchipoo, they will have to go through HIM first. So, Eric does, by pulling out Wacky Minion’s heart . . . and drinking it . . . like a juicebox. (Remind you of anyone?)
Then, King Cockblock shoots Witchipoo in the head, and she dies . . . And after all the Big Dramatic, Razzle Dazzle, Hocus Pocus, Force Field- Dancing, Heart-Eating, Darth Vader-Hat Wearing, Fairy-Sexing, Glow-Fingering, Excitement of the episode, it was a bit anticlimactic, actually. I mean, one bullet . . . done. And then everybody just went home . . .
Actually, it’s not. Because in the final scene of the episode, Lala is in bed with Jesus, trying to convince him that he did the right thing by, indirectly murdering his friend, while wearing a funny hat. Then, they both go to sleep. And, not a minute later, flying Ghost Marnie is floating over Lala’s head. And, after all he’s been through, with this WORST MAGICAL POWER EVER, he’s stupid enough to ACTUALLY OPEN HIS MOUTH AND LET HER IN?
I don’t know. Maybe he was just REALLY HUNGRY? Fighting evil can do that to a Vessel for Possession by Any Angry Ghost Who Happens to Be in the Vicinity.
Tune in next week, when we, once again, get to see Nelsan Ellis, flex his acting chops, and play the role of YET ANOTHER Crazy Lady . . . Also, next week: Bondage Eric, more of that Funky Mask, and Little Red Riding Hood just might kill us all!
Remember, Fangbangers! It’s the season finale! So ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN (and probably will). See you then!