OK. So, right off the bat, I’ll admit that the title to this recap is a tad misleading. After all, it implies that “the good guys” (Salvatore squared) won the “battle,” at the conclusion of the episode. Because, interestingly enough, they sort of didn’t. And yet, the fact that these words were uttered by a sexy open – shirted DAMON . . .
about ELENA was enough to make me squeal and bounce up and down on my couch like a 13-year old girl. (Seriously, I was a MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS to watch this episode with — squealing, chirping, laughing out loud, and clapping my hands all the way through. It’s probably a good thing that I watched it alone . . . )
So, of course, I had to use this line as the title of my recap. Then again, there was ANOTHER line, later in the episode, that made me squeal even LOUDER than this one — one that I would have liked to use as my title even MORE. But we’ll get to that later . . .
We should probably get started, before I completely lose the ability to craft coherent sentences, and start typing in ALL CAPS . . . .
A vampire walks into a bar . . .
Conveniently enough, this episode began where last week’s left off. Specifically, Alaric . . .
was sitting in a bar getting sloshed . . . (Is it just me, or has Mr. History Teacher been spending A LOT of time at the bar lately? Life got ya down, Alaric? Not enough sex = too much DRINKY- DRINKY? Do you think we need to stage an intervention, Dr. Drew?)
Celebrity Rehab – Friends of Vampires Edition airs tomorrow night on VH1
Anyway, Alaric is busy getting wasted, when he is basically accosted by his once-thought-to-be-dead-but-actually- a-vampire-sort-of-ex-wife, Isobel. (Try saying that three times fast!)
Now, I have to say, based on the few things I had read online, and what I saw from the previews, I assumed that Isobel would be bad ass. I just wasn’t expecting the SHEER extent of her BAD ASSEDNESS. This woman was PURE EVIL INCARNATE, for all but about the last two minutes of this episode (more on those later). Isobel was so void of any humanity or empathy for her fellow man or vampire, that she made DAMON look like this puppy dog .
Equally adorable? Perhaps. But I’m willing to bet this pup looks no where near as good with IT’S shirt off !
So when drunken Alaric sees Isobel, he understandably gets all teary-eyed and blubbery. He desperately wants to have the “I loved you! Why did you leave me, and ruin me for all women, you heartless TURD” – type conversation with Isobel – a conversation that would have totally made sense coming from this guy . . .
We REALLY do miss you, Dawson of Dawson’s Creek. We just happen to miss PACEY more . . .
But EVIL ISOBEL is having NONE of that! She doesn’t give two sh&ts about her once-husband’s feelings! She just wants to see, Elena! You know, HER DAUGHTER! The one she gave up for adoption . . . the same daughter that Isobel was so intent on NOT seeing a few episodes back, that she made some random dude KILL HIMSELF to “send a message” that a family reunion was simply not in the cards. When Alaric refuses to orchestrate Isobel’s and Elena’s reunion, Isobel basically threatens to KILL ALARIC’S ENTIRE HISTORY CLASS, if he doesn’t comply with her wishes . . .
“Ummmm . . . Mr. Saltzman, is it too late to transfer to Shop Class? I’m thinking that regularly placing my hands beneath a massive power saw is a safer bet for me, right now . . .
Scooby, Scooby Doo, Where are YOU? (Hopefully not being eaten by vampires . . .)
A freaked out Alaric summons the rest of the Scooby Gang to his classroom after hours, in order to orchestrate their plan of attack. Damon arrives last on the scene. And the 13-year old girl in me, who had been quiet throughout the Alaric / Isobel exchange, starts SQUEALING in full force once again, when Damon cocks his eyebrows in utter concern, and says to Elena, “You don’t have to see her, if you don’t want to.”
But Elena does want to see Isobel. After all, the latter is her biological mother. The two make plans to meet up at. Where, you ask? Well, at the ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT IN ALL OF MYSTIC FALLS, of course!
A vampire walks into a bar AGAIN . . . (Stop me if you’ve heard this one.)
An understandably freaked out Elena, totes Stefan along for the meeting. He stands idly by, playing pool, just out reach. However, he can hear everything, thanks to those super sensitive vampire ears of his. Bromantic Buddies, Alaric and Damon, wait impatiently outside, just in case some vampire ass needs kicking . . .
But Damon, I REALLY need a drink! I haven’t been to The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls in OVER six hours. Can’t we go in?
And if you thought for a second that Isobel would be kinder and gentler to Elena, seeing as she is her DAUGHTER (because I TOTALLY thought she would be), you are about to be proven WRONG!
Just as she did with Alaric, Isobel threatens Elena. “Get me what I want, or I will kill everyone you care about,” she, more or less, says to her daughter.
And what does she want? That random Civil War Era invention created by Wacky Ancestor Gilbert. The same invention coveted by Creepy Uncle John (who is apparently in cahoots with Isobel, because . . . well, you’ll find out in a bit).
This is also the same invention that the now Dead-Dead Pearl, gave to Damon for safe keeping. Elena tells Isobel this is a “no can do,” seeing as Damon doesn’t answer to ANYBODY but himself. “You underestimate Damon’s feelings for you,” remarks Isobel. (Hold your ears, VD fans! That awful sound you are hearing is ME, squealing with joy, yet again!)
Before leaving the bar, Isobel makes one last parting shot at Elena’s increasingly intense “dude situation.” “Why are you with Stefan? Why didn’t you go for Damon, instead? Unless of course, you want them both . . . just like Katherine.”
The OTHER La Casa de Rich and Awesome
Isobel arrives back at her La Casa de Rich and Awesome (2.0), to find Damon making himself at home, and playing strip poker with Isobel’s brainwashed porn-star esque human pets. (The fact that Isobel interrupted this game, before Damon could take off his pants, just makes me hate her MORE!) At first, it looks as though these two might mess around with one another. After all, the fact that they have a sexual history together is OBVIOUS. And, admittedly, the chemistry between the two characters is palpable, in a Mrs. Robinson, The Graduate, sort of way.
“Are you trying to seduce me, Iso-bitch?”
BTW, WHO did Dustin Hoffman’s character end up with at the end of that movie? THE DAUGHTER!
Just saying . . .
But just when it seems like Isobel and Damon are about to get it on, Damon THROWS her ass on the floor (and NOT in a foreplay way). “You messed with Elena . . . BAD MOVE! (WEEEEEE! Sorry, that was me, not him . . .) And I DO like to kill the messenger. Because it sends a message,” threatens Damon, throwing Isobel’s own hurtful words back in her face, before refusing to give up the Crazy Invention. “If Katherine wants something, tell the little b&tch, she can come and get it herself.”
YES! Damon actually used the “B” word in reference to the supposed love of his life, Katherine. He is SO TOTALLY on Team Elena now!
Bad Hair Day, Bad Personality Day . . .
Meanwhile, Bonnie (who now has unflattering bangs that don’t complement her bone structure AT ALL) has been treating Elena like total crap, lately.
I couldn’t find a picture of Bonnie’s Bad ‘Do ANYWHERE! (Not even on BING, CW!) So I had to post this perfectly nice picture of the girl, even though I am REALLY mad at her right now!
She even ignored her supposed BFF, when she found her crying at the bar, after that traumatic Mommy Encounter. However, later in the episode, Bonnie relents and visits Elena at her house. After the two hug, and Elena dishes about her Evil Mommy, Bonnie actually provides her with some valuable information about the Crazy Invention. Apparently, Old Ancestor Gilbert wasn’t a talented inventor at all. He was just some Loony Old Coot with a hatred for vamps. So, Bonnie’s ancestor, Witch Emily . . .
. . . in an effort to protect the townspeople, put spells on all of Ancestor Gilbert’s inventions to make them “magical.” The Crazy Invention was made into a weapon to KILL VAMPIRES!
A vampire walks into a float preparation event . . .
To prove to Elena that she means business regarding the Crazy Invention, EVIL ISOBEL, causes Matt . . .
. . . to break his wrist, and KIDNAPS Elena’s little bro, Jeremy!
Fortunately, Elena has a plan to save him . . .
Double, Double, Toil and Trouble . . .
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (the original), Elena explains to the Salvatore brothers that Bonnie has the power to remove Emily’s original spell from the Crazy Invention, making it useless. Therefore, Elena can give it to Isobel and save Jeremy, without causing any repercussions for the vampire community. Initially, Damon is a bit skeptical, seeing as Bonnie hates his guts. “You’re right, you can’t trust me,” remarks Bonnie angrily.
“But you can trust me,” says Elena, solemnly.
Then the two share ONE SERIOUSLY HOT LOOK, before Damon hands over the Crazy Invention to Elena. Their hands brush against one another, as the object is passed between them. And my throat is officially sore from squealing so much.
So, Bonnie does her little magic floaty thing on the Crazy Invention, and pronounces it cured of all vampire-killing tendencies.
The Exchange and The Implication of LOOOOOOOVE!
With Stefan and Damon as protection, Elena heads off into the woods to hand off the Crazy Invention to Isobel, in exchange for Jeremy’s life. However, she soon finds that Jeremy is already safe and sound at home. When Elena asks Isobel how she knew Damon would religuish the weapon, Isobel responds, “Because he is IN LOVE WITH YOU!”
YAY! YIPPEE! WOO HOO!
I think I need a moment . . .
OK, I’m better. Always one to have the last word, before leaving, Isobel warns Elena that living with a Salvatore brother on each arm, will surely bring about her demise. Once Isobel is gone, Elena rushes to Stefan for comfort. However, while they hug, both Elena and Stefan are exchanging pointed looks with Damon that suggest that Isobel’s pronouncements regarding the latter vampire’s romantic feelings were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
And that’s not all . . .
In the last few minutes of the episode, we learn the following”
“Elena, I am your father.”
Elena’s daddy is none other than Creepy Uncle John. This means that Elena is a GILBERT after all! (I don’t know about you, but something about this news just set off the Ick Alarms, all over the place, for me!) Apparently, Creepy Uncle John, and the Self-Loathing Isobel, want to kill ALL VAMPIRES (including Stefan and Damon) to SAVE ELENA from the same fate suffered by undead Isobel and Katherine.
Isobel DID in fact love Alaric, but acted bitchy to him, so he wouldn’t feel pain over the loss of her. (Remember when I said that Isobel was only NOT totally evil for about two minutes, during the episode. This was them! Unless you count as “nice” her admission that she wants to save Elena, by killing Stefan and Damon, which, obviously, I DON’T!)
3) Now that his true feelings were put out in the open by Isobel, Damon suggests to Stefan that he will FIGHT for Elena’s heart!
4) New Vampire Hater Bonnie LIED to Elena about curing the Crazy Invention. She WANTS Stefan and Damon to die at the hands of the Isobel and Creepy Uncle John. OK, I officially HATE her now! She can take that nasty hair cut and shove it up her butt!
But I’m not biased, or anything . . . I mean, why would I be biased against someone who wanted to kill Damon?
Oh! That’s why . . .
Given all this new intel, we can be certain that the VD Season Finale is going to be one WILD RIDE!