“Oh, how I miss the good old days, when I only had one personality, and when my biggest problem was that my girlfriend’s teenage niece accidentally caught a glimpse of my Chunky Monkey.”
Ever feel used and abused by one of your favorite television shows . . . like the writers treated you like a cheap tissue, blowing their nose on your tummy, and tossing you in the trash?
That’s kind of how “Do Not Go Gentle,” made me feel, this week. Of course, this is not to say it wasn’t a well-written, bold, and game changing episode. It was! And yet, I still somehow ended the hour with a not-so-fresh feeling . . .
Shameless excuse to use Damon shower gif? CHECK!
Then again, when you think about it, this wasn’t even TVD’s first Fake Death at a School Dance Episode. (Remember what didn’t happen to Bonnie during “The Last Dance?”)
So, perhaps, I’m a bit at fault for coming into the episode so patently unprepared for emotional manipulation. On a lighter note, I now have about four more pictures, of hot boys with single tears streaming down their cheeks, for my ever-growing Soulful Crying Collection! So, HOORAY FOR ATTRACTIVE ANGST!
Let’s review, shall we?
(As always a Big Bloody thank you to Andre, one of my favorite Fangbangers, for all the awesome screencaps you see here . . . including a few admittedly obscure screencap requests made by THIS lazy recapper . . .)
Faux-bekah Strikes Again
We begin our episode over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer But Not as Well Furnished. Klaus is hard at work, painting something that, I suspect is supposed to look moody and avant garde, but to me vaguely resembles a big pile of poop . . . literally . . .
This is why you shouldn’t chew on girls who eat beans for dinner . . .
Faux-bekah has just returned from her little pow wow with Psycho-Ric, and wants to “bond” with Klaus. For the record, Barbie Klaus is acting so completely unlike the real Rebekah (She’s all prim, proper and prissy, now . . . Her accent has even changed) that it annoys me a bit that Klaus isn’t at all suspicious.
“I’m showing you mine. So, whip it out, and show me yours. Come on. Don’t be shy. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before. I used to change your diapers. Oops . . . I mean, our mom used to change your diapers . . . But I’m not your mom, no sir! Now, bend over and let me spank you on your knee for pooping on that piece of artwork.”
I mean, this is the SISTER he’s known for 1,000s of years (thereby making this at least ten times worse than all those times Katherine fooled Stefan and Damon into thinking she was Elena). And it’s not as though Klaus is a stranger to bodily possession.
Yet, we get no indication that Klaus is the least bit wise to the fact that his sister is now his mother . . . not even the slightest snarky remark, or eyebrow raise. I’m starting to think that crushing on Stefan . . . er . . . I mean Caroline, has negatively impacted Klaus’ IQ.
“There’s something different about you, I just can’t put my finger on it. Oh, wait . . . I know. You cut your hair
and your personality.”
Anywhoo, after the “siblings” discard what is supposedly the Very Last Deadly to Originals Stake together, Klaus starts to discuss the idea of skipping town. Unfortunately for him, Faux-bekah isn’t having it. “But I want to go to the dannnnnnnnce,” she pouts, like the perpetual early 40-something pretending to be the perpetual teenager that she actually is. (It’s all so very Freaky Friday.) “And, besides, don’t you want a chance to see Caroline? I know you looooooooove her.”
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Klaus actually finds this ridiculous argument compelling. So compelling, in fact, that he agrees to stick around for Mystic Falls’ annual Bloodbath Prom, based solely on the hope that his Prom Queen Crush will dump the football jock, and acknowledge his Hybrid King existence. Sigh . . .
After pretending to be “Real Alaric” during a phone conversation with Damon, Psycho Ric meets up with his new girlfriend, Faux-Bekah, again, who then quickly returns to her old Esther body, by temporarily staking Rebekah. “WHY?” I yell at my television. Just so she can do more of that witchy chanting stuff? BO-RING. I don’t know . . . I had the opportunity to parade around as a younger, hotter, version of myself for a few days, while awaiting the destruction of an entire species, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Just saying . . .
From a storyline perspective, I was also a bit disappointed at how quickly the form of Faux-Bekah was discarded. For one thing, it make last week’s big twist so much less impactful than it could have been. Also, personally, I was interesting in seeing how well Claire Holt could pull off the dual role for a more extended period of time. Of course, I understand this whole possession storyline to some extent was a been there/ done that rehash of last season’s Alar-klaus fiasco. But still, it would have been nice if Faux-Bekah stuck around a bit longer.
Girlfriend, can’t catch a break . . . EVER.
On a much more shallow note, there’s just something about the way the actress who plays Esther puffs out her lips when she talks that really bugs me.
If this episode was a more Faux-Bekah centric one, we could have easily sidestepped this inconvenience . . .
In other news, Jeremy’s back in town. He’s still wearing the ring, but he’s not a psychopath yet . . . at least as far as we know. He’s also been spending a lot of time with Matt, which is nice.
Since Mini Gilbert has never been particularly sporty, Matt suggests the young stud take up interpretive dance.
Team Human has to stick together, after all. As long as neither of these guys bring up the fact that they both used to bone eachother’s sisters, I think they will be OK.
Speaking of Matt boning Elena, what was the deal with Caroline telling Matt to stay away from Elena? That was kind of pushy! Now, granted, I don’t want Matt and Elena to get together either. But I was annoyed on Matt’s behalf that Caroline was the one telling him not to “go there.” After you break up with someone, you officially waive the rights to have any sort of say in who they date next. That should be like a law . . . or something.
Wow, I think this is the first time I’m taking Matt’s side over Caroline’s!
Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Caroline and I are no longer on the same team, shipper wise. And I’m consequently a little mad at her . . . OK, make that A LOT mad.
Shipping Stelena has painful consequences on this blog . . .
“He’s your Epic Love.”
*gag, puke, groan*
Last week, we all got to hear Rose’s argument as to why Elena should be with Damon.
This week, we got Caroline’s rebuttal. And it basically boiled down to this:
Caroline, because I am mad at you, you get to be the victim of an unflattering screencap.
(1) Stefan’s and Elena’s love is EPIC. Ummm . . . NO. Actually, THIS is epic . . .
Stefan and Elena are more . . . um . . . sweet, I guess? I don’t want to offend Stelena fans out there. But I do take offense to the use of the word “epic,” predominately as a result of the clip above. Stefan’s great and all. But he’s no Logan Echolls . . . sorry.
(2) It’s Stefan’s turn. *snort, giggle* Yes, last week, Damon’s “turn” involved some super hot dry humping and almost-sex, at a motel that probably actually did rent by the hour. Stefan’s “turn” -involved a half a slow dance, a lot of crying, and some G-rated hugging. Long story short, if this was carnival game, and I was Stefan, I’d ask for my red tickets back. That wasn’t a “turn,” it was a taste test . . .
Anyway, Caroline’s “super argument” convinces Elena to ask Stefan to Bloodbath Prom. He accepts gratefully, thinking, “Hey, maybe I could get some action, under the bleachers, while my ex-girlfriend reminisces about the time I almost ate her there . . .”
Sorry, Stefan . . . this isn’t that kind of episode.
Damon, of course, hasn’t gotten the memo about how lackluster Stefan’s “turn” is going to end up being. So, he broods and pouts a bit, telling Stefan not to accidentally stab Elena with his corsage . . .
You know, because if she bleeds, he might be tempted to eat her again . . . and not in the “good way.”
Woefully without a date to the Bloodbath Prom, Damon decides to stalk the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie at the hospital, since she’s the only person on this show, aside from Sheriff Forbes, who actually seems to go to work. Damon informs Crouching Tiger, Hidden Psychopath, that Alaric hasn’t been taking his “Be a Good Boy,” medication, which means he’s now a “Very Bad Boy.”
In real life, this probably thrills the Lady Doc, who, let’s face it, always seemed like the kind who liked it rough. Of course, for purposes of this storyline, she has to pretend to be appalled.
“That’s hot . . . um . . . I mean . . . Oh, no. How terrible!”
One Big Silver Phallus to Rule Them All
Not enough phallic imagery in the first twenty minutes of this episode? Worry not! Lady Esther, is about to take her BIG POWERFUL STICK (i.e. the Originals Killing Stake), and thrust over and over again, into Alaric’s ring, until it oozes silver stuff, thereby rendering, it EVEN BIGGER AND MORE POWERFUL.
“I’m going to need a bigger condom . . .”
Woo! I need a cold shower, after watching that . . .
Shameless . . . THAT’S ME!
In all seriousness though, the idea of linking the Immortality Ring to the Stake, to prevent it from burning up instantly upon use, thereby rendering it recyclable, was a pretty brilliant move on Esther’s part . . . not to mention clever plotting, on the part of the show’s writers. . .
Dance Karma’s a B*tch . . .
Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Stefan picks up Elena for the dance, and the two make some highly meta jokes about how super deadly dances happen to be, in this town. Of course, all this seeming self-awareness would be a lot more meaningful if Stefan and Elena were actually smart enough to take their own advice, and . . . wait for it . . . NOT GO TO THE DANCE WHERE ELENA IS PERPETUALLY IN DANGER, AND HER FRIENDS ALWAYS DIE.
Speaking of meta, resident Alpha Male, Tyler Lockwood rarely gets to exhibit his intelligence on this show (except for that one time, when they randomly decided to put him in Advanced Placement History class). However, this week, for whatever reason, the writers decided to throw Tyler a bone (Cheesy Wolf Joke Alert), and allot to him, what was, in my opinion, the funniest line in this entire, otherwise rather depressing, episode.
It all starts, with Tyler arriving at the 20’s themed dance, all decked out in his gangster finery, and ready to sweep Caroline off her feet with his mad “swing dance” moves. (His snooty mom probably made him take ballroom dance lessons, as a kid, or something.) Caroline, of course, is petrified that Klaus will sniff out (another dog joke) his sire, and make him do something awful, like lick his boots or something.
But Tyler Lockwood is not afraid. Ripping off all your clothes, and turning into a werewolf, over and over again in the woods, will do that for a guy. “What’s he [Klaus] going to do?” Tyler snarks. “Draw you another picture?”
That My Little Pony drawing .. . man, Klaus really was asking for it when he made that.
“I wuv you, Cawoline!”
Back in my high school, that was the kind of thing that got your head shoved in a toilet. In addition to Klaus’ “gift” to Caroline not exactly being the most manly way to show a lady your affection, we often forget that Tyler too is an artist. But, unlike Klaus, he draws DUDE stuff . . . like bloodthirsty werewolves, and naked ladies with big titties. In other words, in the male pissing contest for Caroline’s affections, Tyler sort of wins this round.
It IS a dance. So, we have to get all this cheesy, cuddly, coupley stuff out of the way, before we can starting ripping people’s faces off and killing sh*t. We see Bonnie having a grand old time with her Not-Brother (who kind of still IS her brother) Jamie.
The Lannister family approves!
I’m pretty sure it’s the only time I’ve seen her smile all season. Then Jeremy arrives, and looks jealous for about two seconds. Then, he remembers that his ghost girlfriends were about ten times better in the sack than Bonnie ever was. So, he goes back to play with Matt some more . . .
While Stefan and Elena slow dance, Elena tries to apologize to Stefan for occasionally tongue kissing, and often dry humping, his brother.
Stefan says he doesn’t care. He’s just happy to have a date. Way to set the bar low, Steffie-poo! Then, Damon comes and cockblocks the pair, which doesn’t particularly bother me, because someone is ALWAYS cockblocking Damon and Elena. Remember, as Caroline said, it IS Stefan’s turn . . . and being cockblocked is just one of those things that “turns” with Elena on a non-pay-cable show will inevitably include.
“Sorry to interrupt . . . oh, wait. . . no I’m not.”
Apparently, Damon actually has a REAL reason for interrupting Stelena time, aside from just pure not wanting it to happen. Psycho Alaric has gone rogue, and Damon wants to murder the guy, in order to put his “good self,” out of his misery. This, of course, pisses off Jeremy, because this will be the third father figure he’s lost since the series started. (Fourth, if you are like me, and always considered Useless Aunt Jenna to be more paternal, than maternal.)
Would you like some salt with your vampire?
Outside the dance, Esther gets Elena to come with her, because
Elena’s a moron she wants to save Alaric’s life, psycho or no psycho. The rest of the Scooby Gang, run off in pursuit but find they are trapped inside by . . . wait for it . . . a ring of salt. SALT! That’s great! Who knew this year’s Bloodbath Prom theme would end up being Vampire Barbecue? Throw in a little hot sauce, and some grilled veggies, and we can make a mean shish-kabob . . .
“This reminds me of the 80’s, when I used to do a lot of coke.”
Damon’s the Cockblock King this week, he interrupts Jamie’s and Bonnie’s
incest perfectly normal . . . make out session . . .
. . . to tell them that the Bonnie’s weird chanting, and nosebleed services are needed to move the salt. Personally, I would have gone with a plain old vacuum, but that’s just me . . .
Now, we are in some weird creepy cemetery. (I bet with their super high death toll, there are as many cemeteries in Mystic Falls as most towns have Starbucks.) It’s here that we learn Esther’s Big Bad Plan. Apparently, in order to kill all the vampires, she wants to . . . wait for it . . . turn Alaric into a vampire. Yes, because a vampire hater, who MAKES LOTS OF VAMPIRES isn’t hypocritical at all.
“Who wants to make some S’Mores?”
Seriously? Is there some rule that no one on this show can stay human, aside from Elena? Isn’t part of the aura of vampires the fact that they are so SPECIAL, and so much cooler than us humans? The problem is, in a town where seemingly about 80% of the population is something supernatural, it’s the humans that are special. Vampires are kind of, been there, bit that, you know?
Here’s another issue I had with this whole Psycho Ric storyline. We now learn that the real reason, Alaric’s become all crazy and Founder’s Council killing, is not because The Ring Made Him Do It, but because Esther, herself starting chatting his ear off every time he died? Huh? So, is that what we are supposed to believe happened to Samantha Gilbert too?
And if Alaric was really nurtured to believe that vampires and all their friends don’t deserve to live, each time he died, was there really ever an alter ego, at all . . . or has Alaric been secretly psychotic all this time? As clever as I thought this whole ring twist was at first, I found Esther’s part in it a bit confusing, and more than a bit frustrating.
Small town boy . . . small town life
Speaking of frustration . . . well, at least of the sexual variety, Klaus gets a verbal and emotional beatdown by Caroline, who, for all her keeping his horse pictures, and secretly mooning over him, in previous episodes, really does seem “just not that into him,” when he manages to pull her aside for one “Last Dance” at the prom.
She does, however, seem at least intrigued by his suggestion that, one day, her “small town life,” will no longer satisfy her immortal vampire urges. Now THAT’S a storyline I’d like to see explored further . . .
Nonetheless, it is Tyler who Caroline reaffirms her love for at the end of the dance. And the Alpha Male even earns some extra points, by offering to sacrifice himself on the Scooby Gang altar, just so Klaus could die. Yeah, Tyler definitely won this round against his Vampire Papa. The question is, can he win the war . . . and, even if he does, will he survive to reap the spoils of his victory?
The rest of the Scooby Gang runs into Klaus, while his now blue-balled self is stalking away from Caroline. Once again, Klaus is forced to join forces with Team Scooby for a common goal.
Behold . . . the Eye Candy.
Failing to realize that Plot Device Bonnie is already trying to break the salt barrier, so the vampires can rescue Elena . . . again, and stop Esther and Nouveau Ric, Klaus starts strangling her new beau-not brother Jamie.
You better not hurt me, or my Cousin Skeeter will kick your ass . . .
It shouldn’t be hilarious .. . but it totally is.
Yes, I’m fully aware that I’m a terrible human being.
Wow, they weren’t kidding. She really IS just a Human Plot Device!
It’s been three seasons, now. It’s time the writers deeper into their bag of tricks for spells their witches can do to save / ruin the day at the end of every episode. For example, I’m really tired of the one where they bleed on a piece of paper, and the blood travels around to “find stuff.” I know, it’s supposed to be all intense and visceral. But it always just looks like bad finger painting to me. It would have been better (or at least funnier) if they had Klaus draw another pony picture, and the horse GALLOPED off the page to Elena’s rescue.
Of course, all the vampires are still busy licking salt, so Token Humans Jeremy and Matt have to go out to the creepy ceremony to save Elena . . . This can’t end well . . .
Back at the cemetery, Esther snatches Elena’s blood and feeds it to Alaric.
Coincidentally, Elena’s O face . . . and Elena’s OH NO face are strikingly similar . . .
She then kills him, helpfully informing Elena that, during Alaric’s transition, he will become “Good Alaric” for one final time. Then, Jeremy and Matt pop up, and try to shoot Esther, which, of course, doesn’t work . . . because she’s an evil witch ghost DUH! But surprise!
Crossbows RULE. Just ask this guy . . .
Good Alaric rises to kill the biatch.
“NO MOTHER’S DAY CARD FOR YOU!”
Hooray . . . for now.
In other good news, now that Queen of the Vampire Haters is dead, Bonnie can move the salt with her mind. The Scooby Gang is FREE! But before they can leave to grab Elena, Klaus and Stefan, must fight like the gay lovers they truly are.
“We never touch anymore . . . except when you’re strangling me, or trying to stake me in the stomach.”
Klaus, once again, bemoans his lost friendship with Stefan . . . and by “friendship” he means all the great hot ripper sex they used to have. Unfortunately, for Klaus, Stefan rejects him too . . . so the sex must not have been as good for Stefan, as it was for Klaus.
“Screw you, Recapper. I’m an Adonis in the sack!”
Wow, duped by Beks, hated by his own mother, and rejected by both Caroline and Stefan . .. this REALLY isn’t Klaus’ episode, is it?
Worst . . . Funeral . . . EVER!
“Shouldn’t someone like say a speech or something?”
“No, no . . . just stare it him. The depressing -want-to-slit-your-wrist-music will do all the work for us.”
It’s maudlin emotional manipulation time, when we learn that Alaric, like Caroline’s dad before him, is not going to complete his vampire transition, so as to save his friends from his own murderous impulses. This is followed by a massively tear jerking moment, in which the entire cast of the vampire diaries, stares longingly at Alaric, and gives the character, and presumably the actor, a fond adieu.
But that’s not all, we also get, single-tear soulful crying moments, first from surrogate son Jeremy, who’s been through this WAY too many times before . . .
. . . then from super crier, Elena . . .
. . . and finally, from Alaric himself, as bromantic team Bad Ass buddy Damon, joins Alaric in his self-imposed prison for one final glass of scotch, or bourbon, or whatever the heck is these two’s liquid of choice these days.
In my absolute favorite scene of the entire episode Damon . . . the King of the Single Tear Cry apologizes for killing Alaric . . . twice, while Alaric playfully teases Damon about the cheeseball romance novel dream death he gave Dear Rose, last season. A few, alcoholic jokes are exchanges, before Alaric finally passes out from the sedative Meredith gave him. And a lonely, and bereft Damon exits the “jail” stage left.
And if the episode ended here, I would have been happy . . . very happy. Not because I want Alaric to be dead, of course. But because I think this would have been a fitting and poignant send off, for a much beloved character . . . (who’s going to be starring on another show on the CW soon, anyway) . . .
But nooooo . . . we still have about five minutes left in the episode. And it only takes about five minutes for everything to go to hell in a bloody hand basket . . .
“Hey, remember that time when I ate you in this gym? Good times!”
After a couple sweet scenes, featuring various Mystic Falls’ couples comforting each other, in the wake of the “loss of Alaric” Matt and Jeremy: (“Let’s do shots for the Dead Alcoholic,)”
Bonnie and Not-Brother Jamie: (“I’m so sad about Alaric, even though I’ve shared maybe two scenes with him, since the pilot episode. Dad’s not home. Let’s screw.”)
And Stefan and Elena: “Here’s the gym where I made you feel really bad, by turning off my emotions, and trying to eat you. Feeling bad makes you human. Let’s screw.”) . . .
. . . annoying ass Esther returns again . . .
. . . just we thought we were finally rid of that pucker lipped ho. This time, she’s in Bonnie’s dreams.
Mother Effer (Or should I say, “Mother Esther?”)
Poor Bonnie . . . always a plot device . . . never a bride. Off she goes in her Esther-induced trance to almost dead Alaric’s jail to give the leaving Damon, one of her famous migraines . . .
“One of these days, I’m going to invest in a really good helmet.”
. . . and to force feed herself to Alaric. In the final moments of the episode, Alaric awakens as a Robot Vampire version of himself, armed with a big weiner stake, and out for revenge.
Buffy Alaric VAMPIRE the Vampire Slayer
Silly Scooby Gang . . . you should have let Damon break his neck, when you had the chance.
Next week on TVD, more BAAAAAD Alaric beating people up and breaking sh*t . . .
. . . at least, until they kill him again . . . probably for good this time. But since they had the funeral already (and Alaric’s already died about 85,000 times since the pilot episode), this one is probably going to be a bit anti-climactic. Alaric Saltzman has officially become the Boy Who Cried Dead.
Did I mention we already have a webclip?
One things for sure, with only two episodes left in the season, TVD is going to really have to up its game to wow its increasingly tough to please fanbase. We’ve seen it all, these past three seasons: murder, cannibalism, sex, sacrifice, death, destruction, doppelganger hijinks. What can they possibly throw at us now? 🙂 You’re guess is as good as mine . . .