Blaine-y are you OK? Are you OK, Blaine-y? – A Recap of Glee’s “Michael”

BLAINE:  “Ummmm . . .  Kurt, what are you doing?”

KURT: “I’m taking your pulse, to make sure that evil slushie didn’t kill you.”

BLAINE: “Last time I checked, I didn’t have a pulse in my ass . . .” 

Greetings, fellow Gleeks!  This week, Glee paid homage to the King of Pop, through a series of MJ-inspired ballads and dance numbers.  Also this week, we experienced our first-ever slushie maiming, three college acceptance announcements (I’m sorry . . . one acceptance . . . two “finalists.”), two couples’ reunion-via-duet, and one Crazy Cellist War.  So, gulp down your Rock Salt Slushie, slap a tape recorder onto your under boob, grab your crotch, and yell, “HEE-HEEEE,” because it’s time for another Gleecap . . .

Because the school library is the absolute best place to spontaneously break out in song

Santana and the rest of the Troubletones are talking about how bummed out they are that, unlike the rest of their New Directions buddies, they never got to perform a Michael Jackson song for a crowd.  So, Blaine, the kind soul that he is, decides to make it up to them, by singing MJ’s classic “Wanna Be Startin’ Something,” mainly by himself, while the rest of the gang dances around him, and sings backup.  (Hmmm . . . correct me if I’m wrong here, but wasn’t THIS precisely why the Troubletones defected from the New Directions in the first place . . . because they were ALWAYS singing backup to the likes of folks like Rachel and Blaine?)

Nice going, Mr. Sexy Pants!

Anyway, Blaine takes his little crotch-grabbing conga line through the library, where he picks up the rest of the Glee kids en route to the auditorium.  There things get super cutesy, with the name “Michael” in lights, magically appearing on stage behind them, and every Glee kid clad in iconic Michael Jackson wear, from various periods in his life.

By now we’ve seen Glee do the whole “fashion tribute” thing, a few times during it’s “artist themed” episodes.  But I think it works particularly well here, because Michael Jackson was surprisingly fashion iconic for a dude.  He’s also been a mainstay in the music world for roughly forty years.  So, these costumes function as a sort of history lesson for some of us, and a trip down memory lane, for others . . .

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In fact, dare I say it, but I almost found the costumes in this musical number more memorable than the performance itself?  Check it out . .  .

Sexy Blaine is “too high to get over” and “too low to get under.”  So, it looks like we are going to have to *clears throat* go right through him, if you catch my drift  . . .

The Ring 4 – A Horror Love Story

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Oh dear, sweet, NAIVE, Finchel!  Last week, we found our stalwart Finn Hudson in a bit of a teen-life crisis.  Everything he thought he knew and loved about his life, was in danger of slipping through his fingers.  The FUTURE was looming, large and terrifying, over his potato-shaped head.  And try as he might, he couldn’t run from it.  So, instead, he grabbed tightly to the only piece of his crumbling world that still made sense.  In a moment of romantic impulsivity, mixed with just a twinge of desperation, Finn Hudson proposed to Rachel Berry . . .

And Rachel said . . . .

 . . . well, apparently, she said absolutely nothing . . . ZERO, ZILCH, ZIPPO.  (In fact, this is probably the first time in Rachel’s entire life, that she was left speechless . . . sans monologue and/or power ballad.)

To this cavernous Void of Speech and Song, Finn apparently responded (in a male version of the voice of that creepy girl from The Ring movies) “THREE DAYS.”  *shivers*

For those who aren’t horror movie fans, in The Ring movies, if you watch a certain video tape in which a creepy chick crawls out of a well, once that video is over, that same chick calls you to tell you you are going to die in seven days.  Annnd . . . then she kills you.

In the Finchel version, Rachel has three days to respond to Finn’s proposal, or he will make her choke on the engagement ring . . . never to sing again.  JUST KIDDING!  He just needs an answer, thank you very much.  Unfortunately for him, Rachel’s still not quite ready to respond.

Golly, I wonder why?  It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that she is seventeen, has minimal dating experience, and wants to be FAMOUS, now could it?  “You don’t need to marry me to keep me from straying,” Rachel promises him.  “There is only you, until I go to college, and meet the next Ryan Gosling.  Then, all bets are off.”

Finn agrees to call off the creepy chick from The Ring, and give Rachel some more time to decide her entire future.  That’s very generous of him .  . .

No More Mr. Nice Gay!

Now, the Glee kids are hanging out at the Only Coffee Shop in Lima talking about . . . wait for it . . . Michael Jackson.  They decide to go around in a circle, and share their favorite MJ memories, which, considering they were all still in the womb, during most of the guy’s career, should be an impressive batch of stories.  Rachel admits that she doesn’t “get” Michael Jackson, bascially, because he doesn’t sing show tunes.  So, the rest of the Glee club promptly proceed to browbeat her for this admission.  No sense, angering MJ’s estate, when they so kindly offered Ryan Murphy and Co., MJ’s entire song catalogue, right?

This Michael Jackson Informercial is interrupted by Big Bad Sebastian Warbler.  Remember him?  The Lobster from The Little Mermaid?

 The guy who seemed to have a big ole crush on Blaine, and wasn’t afraid to bulldoze right over Poor Kurt, in order to show it?  Well, the Lobster’s motives for this little flirtation are now being severely called into question.

We are told that Sebastian learned of New Directions plans to do another Michael Jackson medley, by calling Blaine, under the guise of his needing help getting a wine stain out of his jacket.  (I don’t know, Kurt.   It sounds like phone sex to me . . . Jackets were definitely removed, at least.)  I loved Blaine’s sheepish facial expression, after being called out on this.  You would think that a guy who looks like Darren Criss would be used to the constant flirtations of men and women.  But Blaine was clearly so taken aback by Sebastian’s faux show of interest in him, that it led him to miss ALL the red flags about this guy.

I haven’t decided yet, if I find this charming, or just really, really stupid . .  .

Anywhoo, now Sebastian says that the WARBLERS will also be doing an MJ medley.  This, of course, prompts Santana to go a little Lima Heights Adjacent on the Lobster’s ass.

 So, the Lobster retorts by making a comment about all of Santana’s relatives in prison.

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At first, I found this piece of dialogue to be a little racist.  Then, I realized (based on Santana’s reaction) that her family members actually are supposed to be in prison.  And I’m still not sure, if that made the joke more racist, or less . . .

Anywhoo . . . Sebastian says that he’s captain of the Warblers now, and is tired of playing nice.  Then, he butt wiggles toward the exit, while the rest of the Glee kids, even the typically unflappable Santana, watch him go, open-mouthed, and more than a bit frightened.  And now, we are probably NEVER going to learn how to get wine stains out of suit jackets.  DAMMIT!

Two Glee Clubs, both alike in dignity . . .

The Glee kids decide to settle their score with the Warbler’s like adults . . . or, rather, like gang leaders and / or people who spend way too much time watching West Side Story.  They decide to meet their nemeses in an abandoned parking lot.  (Yeah, because THAT’s a safe place to play!)  Clad in leather jackets and scowls, the Glee kids, duel dance and sing, against the Warblers, in an approximate recreation of the music video for Michael Jackson’s “Bad.”

Toward the end of the song, the groups broke off into pairs of two.  And from that point on, I couldn’t stop watching Sebastian and Santana, who were paired off against one another.  I know their character’s are gay.  But I just can’t get over the sexual chemistry Naya Rivera and Grant Gustin have with one another.  It’s positively electric, and it emanates from them, every time they share a scene together.  (More on that, later.)

Speaking of Santana, I was happy to see her get a solo in this number, since “Bad” is oddly well-suited to her voice.  My one gripe about the number, is that Puck wasn’t given more to do.  You know . . . the former bully, who wears a mohawk, and spent time in juvie.  Wouldn’t you think this whole “gang homage” would have been right up his alley?

Additionally, I’m always of fan of Glee putting it’s own spin on popular songs, as opposed to merely recreating them.  And I think that the inclusion of Mark Salling’s raspy baritone into this number, could have made “Bad” something really special.

It’s not until the end of the song that things start to go really . . . for lack of a better term . . . bad.  We see one of the Warblers hand Sebastian a brown paper bag containing an orange slushie.  Sebastian aims to throw it at Kurt, but Blaine dives in the way.  Instantly he crumbles on the floor, yelping and screaming, as the rest of the Warblers slink away.

Like, I suspect, many of you, at first, I found Blaine’s dramatic response to having his leather jacket and face dirtied, a bit over-the-top.  I even recall laughing at him, a bit.  Then, I found out the slushie actually scratched his cornea.  So, I felt like crap.  Thanks Glee!

Artie CAN WALK (and wear REALLY tight pants)!

You know who else felt like crap about Blaine’s eye injury?  Artie.  He’s tired of being pushed around by bullies, and rich kids wearing Hogwarts uniforms.  He wants justice, dammit.  He wants to crack some SKULLS AND SOME CORNEAS!

But Schue says, NO!  Better to roll over and play dead . . . you know, kind of like Mr. Schue does himself, whenever he’s brow-beaten by his ex wife, or Sue Sylvester, or Principal Figgins, or the six year old who sells him girl scout cookies, or the neighbor’s chihuahua . . .

Artie is just SO MAD that he GETS UP AND STORMS OFF, with Mike Chang, close behind him . . .

Wait . . . WHAT????!!!!

Ooooh . . .  now I get it . . . it’s a DAYDREAM SEQUENCE, also known as a near perfect visual recreation of Michael and Janet Jackson’s “Scream,” with Artie playing Michael, and Mike, oddly enough, playing Janet . . . even down to the hairdo.

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For those familiar with the video, seeing it recreated in this way was really cool.  (Though, I suspect those who weren’t familiar with the original video, it just looked . . . weird.)  That said, I love that they gave Harry Shum, Jr. a solo in this one.  His voice has improved by leaps and bounds, since the series began.  I just wish the producers strayed from the original video, a bit more, to allow him to do more of his trademark dancing . . .

So, I guess Quinn’s . . . like smart . . . or something.

While lurking through the Glee message boards, I noticed that the pairing of Rachel Berry and Quinn Febray is extremely popular among a segment of the fandom.

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And those shippers were undoubtedly squealing with joy, when Rachel met Quinn in the ladies room, in order to get advice about that whole “Finn proposed to me,” thing.

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Now, I’ve gotta say, this wasn’t exactly Rachel’s most thoughtful moment.  I mean, correct me, if I’m wrong, but didn’t Finn LEAVE Quinn for Rachel MULTIPLE TIMES . . . the last one occuring very recently.  Didn’t she worry that hearing this might . . . I don’t know . . .  hurt Quinn’s feelings, a little bit.

After all, it’s one thing for your first love to move on, and fall in love with someone else.  It’s quite another for him to MARRY that someone else . . . And that brand of heartache is certainly not something one expects to have to deal with, while still in high school.  Then again, it could be argued that no one should have to deal with pregnancy in high school either, and yet many young women do every year, including Quinn  . . .

That said, Quinn was surprisingly SUPER adult about the whole thing . . . more adult than I suspect I would be.  Rather than calling Rachel out for her insensitivity, Quinn kindly and gently, but firmly, offers her some pretty sound advice.  “You have an amazing life ahead of you,” she tells her frenemy.  “You can finally get what you want, what you always dreamed of.  Don’t throw it away.”

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She also tells her to DUMP Finn, and leave high school completely behind.  Well . . . that might be a bit like throwing the Finn baby out with the bathwater.  But in terms of the marriage proposal, I think Quinn’s got a point.  If Rachel sacrifices her own dreams to be with Finn, she will eventually come to resent him for it.

Quinn then announces to Rachel (and, eventually, the rest of the Glee club) that she got into Yale.  Wow, I remember, a few episodes back, when Quinn mentioned she was applying to Yale (but only because she felt she wasn’t a good enough singer to get into NYATA (also known as the Glee equivalent of whereever it was the kids from the original 90210 went to college), I actually started laughing, because the character never struck me as being particularly smart.

Sorry!

But apparently, the whole time Quinn was getting (1) knocked up, (2) kicked out of her house, (3) giving birth, (4) trying to steal her baby, and (5) hanging out in the bathroom with a group of girls called “The Skanks” she was also getting Straight A’s.

Who knew?

Quinn’s solo this week “Never Can Say Goodbye” . . .

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 . . .  which she sings to Rachel, and, of course, to all the Glee men she’s boned in the past.

I’ll admit, it wasn’t my favorite number of the episode (or even my favorite Dianna Agron performance).  But, hey, at least she looked really pretty doing it!

Goodbye Quinn!  We sure will miss your sometimes-crazy ass!

I LOVE BURT HUMMEL! 

Burt Hummel is PURE awesomesauce!  He came all the way down to McKinley High, in the middle of the day, just to give Kurt his mail.  That’s right, Kiddies, the NYATA admissions letters are FINALLY HERE.  And Kurt’s is REALLY SMALL, which, many college hopefuls can tell you, tends not to be a good sign.  While he was opening that letter, I was so worried that  you would think it was me about to get my dreams crushed, not him.

But wait . . . it’s not a rejection at all.  He’s a NYATA finalist!  Kurt’s ecstatic, of course.  But Burt seems even more thrilled.  “They hurt you, and tried to bring you down, but you beat them all,” Burt tells his son, while choked up with pride.  “I’m so proud to be your dad.  They can never take this away from you.  You won.”

And . . . now my mascara is running all over my face.  Thanks Burt!  (What can I say, I’m always a big sucker for those father / son moments . . .

Speaking of winning . . .

Sam SCORES!

Continuing on his quest to get back inside Mercedes panties, Sam gets her to meet him in the auditorium, where he ropes her into singing, MJ’s soft, sweet, and sensual, “Human Nature.”

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The performance itself was a fairly bare-bones one.  But I was impressed by how nicely Chord Overstreet’s and Amber Riley’s voices complemented one another.  The duet also highlighted the couple’s romantic chemistry.  And Sam must have been doing something right, because this number ended in a much-more-than-friendly kiss.

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Sorry Shane!  It looks like your guest star days as Mercedes’ arm candy are numbered . . .

“Gee, sorry about your eye, Blaine.  Let me sing you a song about this rat I know . . .”

Meanwhile, at Blaine’s house, he’s in bed, rocking an eye patch (and awaiting the surgery that took his character conveniently out of commission, while Darren Criss starred in “How to Succeed in Business” on Broadway).  Blaine looks like a really cute gay pirate, but you can tell he’s seriously bummed about it.  Cue the entrance of Finchel and Kurt to lift his spirits, by singing him a song about how they Blaine him, no matter what he looks like . . . even if he just so happens to look like a garbage-eating, subway crawling, disease-infested rat.

OK . . . this rat is actually kind of cute.  But still! 

That’s right, folks.  Michael Jackson wrote the song “Ben” about a rat.  And now Kurt is singing it to his boyfriend . . .

2Cellos or Not 2Cellos . . .

Meanwhile, Santana has broken into La Casa de Warbler, home of Blaine’s former friends, who have since turned on him, like a bunch of . . . dare I say it . . . rats.  She confronts Sebastian for round two of their hot hate sex, disguised as dancing and singing angry duel for Blaine’s honor.  Sebastian excuses his fellow Warblers, telling them he doesn’t want them to see him make a girl cry.  But we all know it’s really because he doesn’t want them to see him cry in pure orgasmic ecstasy.

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In a room filled with a maze of chairs, fueled by the sounds of the two super talented, but-so-intense-they-are-a-bit-scary, cellists from the group 2Cellos, Sebastian and Santana tease and taunt one another, as they chase eachother around the room to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.”  Like, I suspect, many of you, I watched this number on YouTube, long before I saw it, in the actual episode.  And yet, it still remains, by far, my favorite musical number of the hour.

For starters, the performance a truly original take on MJ’s original song, bolstered by the sultry intensity of Naya Rivera’s vocals.  But, more importantly (for me, anyway), the complex and heated subtext between Sebastian and Santana, as they joust in more ways then one, pulling and prodding one another to the song’s ecstatic crescendo, adds layers to both the music and MJ’s words that I didn’t even know existed.

Did I mention that Sebastian openly admits to Santana that he put rock salt in that ill-fated slushie that ended up in Blaine’s corneas.

ROCK SALT!  (That’s really awful.  And it makes me feel even worse for laughing at Blaine, when he first went down, early on in the episode.)  Considering that Dalton Academy was a school to which Kurt originally transferred, largely for it’s “no tolerance for violence” policy, POURING ROCK SALT IN SOMEONE’S FACE, just so they can’t compete in a SINGING COMPETITION sure seems like  it would grounds for expulsion, don’t you think?   (Possibly even jail time.)

And though Sebastian seems to have absolutely no remorse for nearly blinding his almost-boyfriend, ultimately, it’s Santana, who has the last laugh.  Why?  Because she got the whole thing on tape, by attaching a bug . . . to her “underboob” . . . naturally . . .

Don’t want Finchel to get married?  Blame Rachel’s mailman . . .

“Dear USPS . . . YOU SUCK!  I’d send this letter to you by mail, but, knowing you guys, you will probably never ever receive it” 

Poor Rachel has become a victim of a government bureaucracy she can’t control.  It seems that everyone in the world has gotten their college acceptance letters, except for her.  So, of course, she assumes the worst.  “I have no idea what I’m doing,” Rachel cries to bestie Kurt, in the locker area, when she learns his good news about NYATA.  “Everyone has a plan, but me.”

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Well, Rachel . . . not everyone . . .

So, of course, Rachel goes to find Finn.

He gets an orchestra to accompany the two of them, as they sing, “Can’t Stop Loving You.”  It’s a gorgeous rendition . . . if you are a big fan of mushy ballads.  Rachel sure seems genuinely in love, when she finally gives Finn the “yes,” he’s been waiting for since last week.

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But, as much as I believe Rachel loves Finn, I can’t help but think that — at least, at this very moment — she sees marrying him as a sort of consolation prize.

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And when Rachel DOES ultimately receive her “Finalist” letter from NYATA . . .

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 . . .  that deer-in-headlights look she gets in her eyes, when Kurt asks if she told Finn the good news, definitely seems to confirm my suspicions . . .

“Gulp.” 

Because singing loudly at somebody, is the perfect revenge for their RAPING OF YOUR EYEBALL .  . .

So, I bet you were wondering what Santana ended up doing with that CRIMINAL CONFESSION of Sebastians.  As it turns out, she GAVE IT BACK TO HIM.

That’s right, kiddies.  Apparently, New Directions idea of “taking the high road,” means avenging their friend’s injury by PERFORMING FOR THEIR ENEMIES  . . .

My sentiments exactly!  But perform they do, to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Black and White,” complete with the video’s trademark Scary Face Morphing Technology.  The rest of the Warblers (except for Sebastian) join in the fun.  Of course, Blaine can’t play along . . . you know . . . BECAUSE HE ONLY HAS ONE EYE!!!!!!

But hey, it’s all about “teaching the villain” a lesson in goodness, right?

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Yeah, I didn’t think so, either . . . So, that was “Michael,” in a nutshell.  Did you likey?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Bite into that BIG Apple! It’s Time for Nationals! – A Recap of Glee’s Season 2 Finale “New York”

“Man, it is really hard to find a bathroom in this city!  Every place you try to go, they say you have to buy something first.  No wonder there is so much public urination in the Big Apple!’

Greetings Gleeks!  After weeks of speculation, the moment we’ve been waiting for all season, has finally come and gone.  The Glee kids came, saw, and conquered New York City . . . or at least a squeaky clean, sparkly, neutered version of it.  Speaking of neutered . . .

“Where the heck did my balls go?  I know I had them earlier in the season, back when I was in JUVIE.  Is it possible that when I was taking a shower in the communal . . . ?  Uh oh!”

Times Square:  The One Place Where You Can Still Buy Tickets to See Cats

“These tickets all say ‘SUCKER’ on them.  Ooh, maybe that’s one of the Cats’ Names!”

The episode begins with the Glee kids arriving in the usually bustling (and sometimes pretty scary) Times Square.  Although Times Square is typically, by far, the busiest part of Manhattan, the Glee kids find the area eerily void of humanity (AND DIRT!).  Seeing this reminded me of the opening dream sequence of that Really Bad Tom Cruise Movie (well . . . at least I thought it was really bad).  You know  . . . the one where he goes to Times Square, and learns that he’s the Only Man Left on Earth.  Talk about a HORROR FILM!

“L. Ron Hubbard predicted this would happen.”

Anyway, the Glee kids all start belting out “New York, New York,” on the steps near the TKTS Broadway ticket booth.  And I cringe inwardly, waiting for one of them to get mugged.  Then Rachel actually DOES . . . well, sort of.  Standing in front of the rest of the Glee Club, Little Miss Barbra Streisand 2.0 excitedly informs her pals that she got them all tickets to see “Broadway’s Longest Running Show . . . Cats.”  It is then up to Quinn, of all people, to break it to Rachel that the show has actually been off Broadway for ELEVEN YEARS!

 

“Oh, Febray!  Say it ain’t so!”

(By the way, was anybody else bugged by the fact that RACHEL, the Human Broadway Show Encyclopedia — who usually spends at least 5 minutes per episode spouting out useless facts about the Great White Way — DIDN’T know Cats was dunzo, but QUINN did?)

Anyway, the kids quickly head to the hotel, where Cheapskate Mr. Schue only manages to secure them TWO ROOMS (which has GOT to make the Bathroom Situation an absolute NIGHTMARE!).   Oh, and I’m pretty sure the “self-sacrificing teacher” somehow managed to get a room all to himself. (Real nice, right?)

“Well, if I roomed with the kids, I couldn’t watch 8 hours of hotel porn, now could I?”

I have to giggle a little bit when Puck and Zizes try to get served at the hotel bar (They order a Manhattan, har de har har.), and the bartender actually QUESTIONS whether these two are of drinking age.  This, of course, is despite the fact that both Puck and Lauren each look about 35-years old, and, by Glee’s timeline, have probably been chugging back shots of tequilla, since they were twelve . . .

PUCK:  “Hey Sweet Cheeks, what time are you getting off from work?  I’m sharing a hotel room (and two double beds) with five other guys.   We can show you a REAL good time . . . and my girlfriend can watch.”

As if Mr. Schue hasn’t already proved himself to be the Worst Chaperone EVER, he then decides to lock the Glee kids in a SINGLE hotel room, so that THEY can pen the songs they SHOULD have come up with weeks ago for the National Competition, which is less than 24 hours away.  Meanwhile, HE goes off to promote Matthew Morrison’s upcoming album pursue his Broadway Dreams . . .

“On stage, we call this an ‘Inspired Performance.’  In the potty, we call this a Bad Bout of Constipation.”

 A Stagehand happens to catch Will Schuester performing “Matthew Morrison’s Hit Single ‘We’ve Got Tonight'”  on an empty stage, in the theater where April Rhodes’ CrossRhodes (not to be confused with the terrible Britney Spears film of the same name) is set to debut.  Stagehand is quick to compliment Will on his “obvious talent.”  He then tries to sell Schue some leftover tickets to Cats . . .

“They say there’s a sucker born every minute.  When’s your birthday?”

Nothing Says Loving Like a Street-side Serenade Outside Sardi’s

ARTIE:  “Just think, at this time last night, real, honest to goodness, hookers could have been occupying this very spot.”

SAM:  “Hey Puck!  Put down the friggin accordion!  You’re TOTALLY destroying our game!”

PUCK:  “What?  I want the ladies to know I’m good with my fingers!”

Cooped up in the hotel room, Artie and Brittany offer up THEIR suggestion for an Original Song the Glee kids can sing at Nationals.  It’s called “My Cup.” 

I can’t be the only viewer who found this song a little dirty, right?  I mean, come on . . . “In the middle of the night, I’m in bed alone.  Don’t care if you’re paper, glass, or Styrofoam” ????

Santana TOTALLY gets it!

You can listen to this masterpiece (emphasis on the “master”) in its entirety, HERE:

Though Britney and Artie are the first ones to suggest an actual song, it’s QUINN  . . .

(She of the “Last week, I said I was going to do something evil to Finn, and ruin Nationals for the Glee kids, when all I actually did was cut my hair short and scowl a lot.”)

 . . . who comes up with the most INSPIRED performance idea.  Bad Apple Quinn easily convinces the Glee kids to disobey Will’s wishes and spend the night running rampant around the city, instead of working on their Original Songs.  “We don’t have to write Original Songs,” says Quinn.  “New York City will write them for us.” 

(You know, I hate to break this to you, Quinn, but I’ve been trying to get New York City to write my next novel, for about a year now.  The City is just too damn lazy!)

Reality Checks notwithstanding, the Glee kids frolic around Central Park, while rocking out to an inspired “I Love New York / New York, New York” Mashup.

(Just out of curiosity, does anybody else agree with me that THIS mashup, along with Kurt’s and Rachel’s later duet from Wicked, would have, ultimately, been better choices, as Nationals performance numbers, than the songs the Glee kids actually ended up singing?)

Back in the boys’ hotel room, Finn, once again, suggests that Rachel and him singing a duet together would be a great strategy for getting in Rachel’s panties winning Nationals.  The rest of the boys agree, and egg Finn on to invite Rachel out on a romantic New York Date .  “You know, like the ones in those romantic comedies, that make men grow a vagina, if they watch them all the way through,” Puck adds.

Did Puck just really say “vagina” on Fox?  (And did I just type it . . . twice.)

 (Taking this statement into consideration, one can’t help but wonder whether this is what happened to Puck, after he went on his first date with Lauren Zizes to see “Something Borrowed,” starring Kate Hudson.) 

Speaking of girly movies, when Finn texts Rachel to ask her out on their Romantic Date, she looks like she’s trapped in the “Girl Bonding Montage” of a Chick Flick, herself . . .

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RACHEL: “If one of you ends up getting a Makeover to Increase Your Self Esteem, I’m SO jumping off the Empire State Building . . . Oh, wait . . . Quinn actually DOES that, in the next scene?  Just kidding!”

Finn takes Rachel out to explore the sights of New York.

“I guess going skinny dipping is out of the question, huh?”

The pair end up at Sardi’s for dinner, causing me to wonder what kind of High Class Paper Route Finn runs at home, because that place is NOT CHEAP!

“I hope you like washing dishes.  Because that’s how I’ve arranged to pay for this meal.”

“Seriously?  Now, instead of having Jazz Hands on stage tomorrow, I’m going to have Dish Pan Ones!”

At Sardi’s, Rachel encounters her idol, Barbra Streisand Patti Lupone (I guess Barbra was busy?).  Lo and behold, Patti has some Sage Advice for Rachel.  She tells her to . . . wait for it . . . “Follow [Her] Dreams.”

Oh my goodness!  I have never heard such inspiring words before.  My life will never be the same again.  Thank you, Glee!

Outside Sardi’s, Rachel tells Finn that the only thing that would make this night more perfect, would be if the pair were serenaded.  So, of course, Finn’s posse magically appears, and starts singing “Bella Notte” to the Happy Couple . . .

 You can LISTEN to the song, in its entirety, here:

Personally, I would have liked the scene much better, if the Boys started singing the Lady and the Tramp Song, back at Sardi’s, while Rachel and Finn were playing meatball hockey with their noses, and accidentally making out with one another, thanks to one Very Mischevious Strand of Spaghetti . . .

 Speaking of making out, while the Boys are still singing, Finn tries to plant a wet one on Rachel.  But, alas, Finn’s Love Interest of the Week runs away, because she ate some bad Chicken Carbonara has to go “Follow Her Dreams” . . . or something.  And because they have NO TACT WHATSOEVER, Finn’s boys actually continue to serenade him, even after he’s been FLAT OUT REJECTED . . .

AW-KWARD!

(Needless to say, at the exact same moment when this is happening, about 200 men, forced to watch Glee at home with their girlfriends, spontaneously sprout vaginas . . .)

 A Stagehand Saves the Day: Part 2 (Electric Boogaloo)

“We’re not in Lima, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean, Rachel.”

Kurt wakes Rachel up the following morning, so that the pair can have Breakfast at Tiffany’s (or, perhaps, more accurately, breakfast OUTSIDE of Tiffany’s).  The aforementioned exchange made me wonder if Mr. Schue had followed the concierge’s advice, and assigned rooms based on “sexual orientation,” after all . . .

(Then again, had he done that, Santana would have been sleeping with the guys . . .)

Anyway, Rachel confesses to Kurt that she and Finn love eachother.  However, she knows she’s destined to go to school in NYC and be on Broadway, and blah, blah, blah, Boyfriend Emergency, blah. 

So, Kurt comes up with the “inspired idea” of breaking into the theater where the pair’s favorite Broadway Show, Wicked (Remember when they sang the duet to “Defying Gravity” together?  Ah, memories!), is performed.  This way, Rachel can see what she might end up missing in the long run, if she starts dating the Finn-ster  and actually ends up dating him for longer than a two-week period, this time . . . 

“But we’ll get in trouble,” Rachel squeaks.

Have no fear, Little Berry, SUPER STAGEHAND is here to let you Live Out Your Broadway Dreams (provided your dreams only last fifteen minutes) . . .

“Ta-da!”

With Super Stagehand’s permission, Kurt and Rachel perform a GORGEOUS duet to Wicked’s “For Good,” with the set of the play, flanking them on all sides . . .

“Woah, Kurt, how much hair product did you use this morning?  I’m worried your Snookie Poof will set this set on fire!”

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

You can watch Kurt’s and Rachel’s impromptu performance, here:

At the end of the duet, Rachel seems to have made her  “Sophie’s Choice” . . .

 Meanwhile  . . .

Quinn Cuts Her Hair, Will Cuts the Chord . . . on his Dreams

Back in the hotel room, Quinn has a mini freakout, because her, Santana and Brittany “don’t have a chance at true love.”  Umm  . . . Quinn?  You’ve been single for LESS ONE EPISODE.  You are act like a heinous bitch, about 95% of the time  Please allow me to serenade you, with my tiny violin, regarding your Tragic Lack of True Love . . .

 As for Brittany and Santana “not having love,” well, the former just dumped her boyfriend for calling her “stupid.”  And the latter is faux-dating her fellow beard, Karofsky . . .

So, take that QUINN! 

My personal annoyance with Quinn, notwithstanding, Brittany and Santana are surprisingly sensitive to their erstwhile-pal.  They even attempt to bolster her foul mood, by treating her to a ridiculously overpriced New York haircut.  And, as much as I dislike Quinn, I have to say, girlfriend looks quite fierce in her new do’ . . .

 

Downstairs at the hotel bar, Mr. Schue meets up with Vocal Adrenaline coach, Dustin Ghoulsby . . .

. . . (who, unfortunately, is wearing a bit more clothes in the scene, than he is in the above picture).  Dustin has conveniently heard through the grapevine that Schue plans to leave teaching to pursue his Broadway Dreams.  Dustin thinks that’s a fab idea, remarking how much HE would love to stop teaching Show Choir, considering how much he DESPISES his students.  “But I love my students,” Will remarks, as I throw up a bit in my mouth.

Insert shallow attempt at humor here  (I’ve got nothing.)

Will’s undying love for his underage students notwithstanding (See how I just made something Sickeningly Sweet and Innocent sound Disgustingly Inappropriate?), Dustin immediately rushes to go rat out Will to his students. 

However, when Will arrives at the hotel room to collect the Glee kids for the Nationals competition, rather than bitch him out for NOT GIVING TWO CRAPS ABOUT THEM, THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE NEW YORK TRIP, they actually encourage Will to give Broadway a try.  And yet, Will (who has clearly never met Patti Lupone) is not about to give up his  love of teens for something as insignificant as a Once-in-a-Lifetime Opportunity at Fame and Fortune.  Andhe  tells his kids as much. 

(So, much for leaving us with a Cliffhanger, Glee writers!)

Happy to have their Steadfast Mr. Schue for at least one more season, the Glee kids join their teacher in a Big Fat Group Hug.  Puck enters the embrace first . . . because he has a vagina.  (Ummm . . . yeah, I’ve used this word WAY too many times in this recap.  It’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable, to be honest.)

Anywhoo enough about vaginas (DAMN!  I did it again.), it’s NATIONALS TIME!

The Big Kiss . . . and The Even Bigger Kiss Off . . .

RACHEL:  “Finn, is that GUM, in your mouth?  How many times have I told you not to chew GUM on stage?  It’s unprofessional.”

FINN: *blows bubble in Rachel’s mouth*

 At the Nationals Competition, Some Random Girls’ Choir, wearing short slutty dresses, performs Usher’s 2004 hit, “Yeah.”  And while their singing is “OK,” the dancing is ridiculous, and reminds me a bit of the Glee kids’ bizarre lunchroom dance to Salt n’ Pepa’s “Push It,” back in Season 1 . . .

You can listen to the song, here:

In the bathroom at Lincoln Center, Rachel and Sunshine Corazon come full circle from their Season 2, Episode 1, Potty Sing Off . . .

.  . . when Rachel, upon hearing Sunshine RALPH in the toilet, finally apologizes for sending her to a crackhouse for Glee club auditions. When Rachel learns that Sunshine HATES Vocal Adrenaline, and is petrified of performing in front of the crowd(Can I smell a transfer BACK to New Directions for Sunshine in Season 3), the newly reformed diva even goes so far as to offer to give Sunshine the “thumbs up sign” when she’s on stage, so the youngun won’t be nervous.   “But don’t you want to win?”  Sunshine inquires, without the snarky edge she COULD have used with that line . . .

“How was the old crackhouse, by the way?  I’ve been meaning to get back there for a refill, but I’ve been so busy not preparing for Nationals, that I haven’t really had the chance.”

“Guys like us have to stick together,” Rachel replies, pulling Sunshine in for a hug.  (All together now, “AWWWWW!”)

Sunshine performs an original song entitled “As Long as You’re There.”  And, while her voice is amazing, I must admit, I was mighty underwhelmed by herVocal Adrenaline backup dancers, who basically did the same dance to this WILDLY DIFFERENT number, as they did last year to “Bohemian Rhapsody during Regionals. 

But don’t take my word for it.  Watch the performance here, and judge for yourself . . .

During New Direction’s performance, a Smouldering Jesse St. Douchey-But -Still-Hot-James arrives, sneaking into a conveniently empty seat next to Schue to watch the show. 

“I’m here to collect my payment for hitting on Rachel, and not helping you prepare for Nationals at all.”

Though Jesse claims to be only interested in the performance, it’s pretty obvious he’s there, because he’s still in love with Rachel.  And Schue glibly calls him on that fact. 

(So, am I the only one that’s still kind of rooting for Jesse?  What can I say?  I have a thing for Raging Asshats!)

Asshat Lovin’ = Good Lovin’

The first New Directions Number is an Original Song written by Finn, called “Pretending.”  Not surprisingly, it’s a Finchel Duet. 

“Pretending” sounds and looks pretty much like every other Finchel Duet we’ve seen since Season 1, from the “Walking Slowly Toward One Another from Opposite Sides of the Room” Bit to the “Staring Intently Into One Another’s Eyes While Holding Hands, and Making Teary Constipated Facial Expressions at Eachother” Bit.  The only difference HERE is the ending, in which Finn (despite Rachel having reiterated her “I’ve got to follow my dreams” dumping of him, prior to the start of the performance) abruptly shoves his tongue down Rachel’s throat.

The audience is stunned into silence. (probably because they skipped last week’s episode, and thought Finn was still dating Quinn).  After a few moments of uncomfortable awkwardness, Schue offers the couple a tepid Slow Clap off the stage.  Poor Jesse looks heartbroken.  But hey, that’s what you get for making breakfast on your girlfriend’s head in Season 1 . . .

Watch “Pretending” and the Controversial Kiss that Ended it All here:

“Pretending” was followed up by another Original Song.  This one was entitled “Light Up The World.”  And, while it was peppier, and definitely more fun to watch, than “Pretending,” I didn’t find the song itself particularly memorable, or the dancing that accompanied the song all that different from what we saw at Regionals with “Loser Like Me.” 

You can check out “Light Up The World,” here:

The Big Shock of the Evening (though, considering the meh performances, it actually didn’t seem all that shocking) is that New Directions doesn’t end up placing in the Top Ten at Nationals.  (It comes in twelfth.) 

Oh, the humanity!

Though everyone is pretty bummed about the loss, no one takes it harder than Santana.  The former Cheerio has a little Lima Heights Adjacent Style Freakout in the dressing room.

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Once she is back home from New York, Santana even goes as far as to create a Yellow Cardigan- wearing-Rachel Voodoo Doll to torture.  (Many of the Glee kids, Santana included, blame the loss on how mediocre they performed the inappropriateness of the on-stage Finchel Kiss.)

So, of course, it is up to Brittany to cheer Santana up.  During a very sweet little locker scene, Brittany tells Santana how much she loves her (but just as a friend .  . . for now, at least), and how lucky the two of them are to have found “family” in their fellow Glee clubbers.  Brittany’s surprisingly wise words do wonders for Santana’s spirits.  And Santana tells Brittany as much . . .

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I, for one, adore these two togther, and very much look forward to the mature progression of their relationship in Season 3. 

Speaking of couples I adore, Kurt and Blaine finally exchanged “I LOVE YOU’S,” this week!

As dramatic as the multiple Finchel Moments were in this episode, I loved the quiet sweetness of this single Klaine moment.  No over-acted overtures, extravagant gestures, or big speeches were necessary.  This was just another day for Kurt and Blaine. 

The couple was just having coffee together, sharing stories, and enjoying one another’s company.  And then, seemingly out of no where, Blaine said it . . . the three words that Kurt undoubtedly has been wanting to hear, since he first met the guy, earlier this season. 

It was perfect!  Kudos to Darren Criss and Chris Colfer for the understated elegance of this memorable moment.

Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot, Finn and Rachel got back together.  (SUPRISE!)  After all that hemming and hawing about “following her dreams,” it turns out Rachel has an ENTIRE YEAR LEFT OF HIGH SCHOOL, before she even has to think of applying to NYU.  Talk about an hour’s worth of unnecessary drama! 

That being said, the couple’s second kiss on the floor of the library was way more adorable and genuine, than their overblown stage one, at least, in my opinion . . .

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Speaking of couples, you know who else is secretly dating in Glee Club World because heaven forbid any of these folks date someone who isn’t remotely involved in the show choir ? SAMCEDES!

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Hmmm . . .  it could work! 🙂 

And, there you have it folks!  Two seasons of Glee down, and hopefully, at least a few more to go.  So . . . how did you like the finale?  Did you think the Glee kids deserved to win Nationals?  Are you down with Samcedes?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section below . . . 

Have a great summer, my Gleekies!

[www.juliekushner.com]