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Bye, Bye Birdie! Hello Nationals! – A Recap of Glee’s “Original Songs”

KURT:  “Here lies My Virginity, which you will be taking from me, about twenty minutes after the final credits roll on this episode.”

BLAINE: “That’s your Virginity?  I didn’t expect it to look so .  . . small.”

KURT:  “If you don’t like it, I’d be more than happy to give it to Karofsky.”

BLAINE:  “No . . . NO!  It’s beautiful!  I’ll take it!”

Talk about a JAM-PACKED Glee episode!  This week’s installment featured, no less than TWELVE SONGS (I’m still not sure how they managed to squeeze a plot in there!), a Regionals Competition, a funeral, a Sue Sylvester knockout, and possibly one of the most eagerly anticipated makeout sessions this show has EVER SEEN!

So much drama . . . so much music . . . so much trouty mouth, and big ass . . . heart!  We better get started now, or we will be here ALL NIGHT!

(Note:  All the YouTube Videos with the words “pixtiny.com” on the bottom, are not fully embedded.  So, just click on the internal links to view them.  The rest of the videos I included should play directly from this site.)

Kurt . . . is . . . in MIS-ERY!  (And there’s only one person who could comfort him.)

“That’s MEEEEEEEE!”

The episode begins at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Dalton Academy, where the Warblers are, once again, bopping around their choir room awkwardly, like this . . .

(Seriously, these guys REALLY need to rethink their choreography!)

 . . . while their fearless leader, Harry Potter Blaine No-Last-Name-Yet, leads them in a rousing rendition of Maroon 5’s Misery, a song who’s original version has been in high rotation on my iPod FOREVER since it was released last summer.  Misery is pretty much your basic run-of-the-mill Warbler fare.  It doesn’t look or sound too different from When I Get You Alone or Bills, Bills, Bills or any other ditty we’ve heard come out of Blaine’s luscious lips, this season (more on THOSE later).  But since I absolutely adore this song, they get a Free Pass on that from me . . . 

Now, while I may have given the Warblers a Free Pass on Misery, Kurt most certainly did not.  I actually gave a little standing ovation from my couch, when Young Hummel finally called out the love of his life for being the Rachel Berry of Dalton Academy.  “Your solos are breathtaking . . . they are also .  . . numerous.  Sometimes I feel less like I’m part of the Warblers, and more like a backup singer for Blaine and the Pips,” Kurt snarks.

“Oh, NO you didn’t!”

Oh, yes, Mr. Schue!  HE WENT THERE!  And, can I just say, it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME!  Blaine looked a bit shocked at being called out in this way.  But, to his credit, he neither denied what Kurt said, nor issued any sort of rebuttal.  In fact, he actually seemed fairly impressed that SOMEONE in his group would have the guts to say this to him . .  .

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DADDY LIKE!

But, alas, all is not well in Hogwarts Dalton Land!  Voldemort has arrived!  The Warbler’s prized little mascot, Pavarotti, seems to have flapped his little yellow wings for the very last time . . .

“WTF Glee!  You can’t kill me off, NOW!  I was just two tweets away from getting my SAG card!  Now I have to wait for them to make Angry Birds into a movie . . .

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I did actually shed a tear or two for Pavarotti.  This, when you think about it, is kind of ridiculous, considering the bird in question only actually appeared on-screen twice throughout the entire season.  The rest of the time, he was nothing more than a yellow cotton ball in a Burberry-covered cage . . .  And yet,  Kurt has carried around that cage for half a season now!   In fact, I’m pretty sure if there was a “Warbler Kurt” Doll, it would come with Pavarotti, as an accessory.  So, when that little yellow cotton ball died, a part of Kurt died right along with it . . .

“I wish the Will Doll came with an accessory!”

Stricken with grief over the unexpected loss of Pavarotti, Kurt interrupts a Warbler song meeting, and requests that he be allowed to sing a song in the dead bird’s honor.  The song he chooses is the Beatles’ “Blackbird.”  Admittedly, this is a strange choice of song for two reasons: (1) Pavarotti was obviously not “black,” he was “yellow;” and (2) when it was originally written, the song “Blackbird” was meant to serve as a metaphor for the Civil Rights Movement, as opposed to being taken  . . . um .  . . literally.  And yet, considering the alternatives, I think this was the best song choice Kurt could have made.  Because if he had, instead, started belting out “Bye Bye Birdie” a la Sal Romano from Mad Men, THAT would have been super inappropriate . .  .

And yet . . . at the same time . . . REALLY FUNNY!

Did I mention that Kurt showed up to sing his tweet-alicious solo, dressed like a cross between Elvis, Johnny Cash, and Christian Siriano from Project Runway?

Fierce!”

Of course, the song was beautiful!  As we learned from his rendition of “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” a few months back, Chris Colfer interprets Beatles songs like no other.  But, for me, the most amazing thing about this number, was the way Blaine responded to it. 

 Most of us wait our entire lives to have someone look at us, with the kind of love and admiration that was on display here.  I must admit, watching Blaine come to the realization that he was now, and had always been, totally and completely in love with Kurt, was enough to melt my snarky, cynical, and almost criminally unromantic heart . . .

Prepare to be awwwwwwwwww-ed!

Shortly thereafter, the Warblers’ hold their meeting regarding which two songs Blaine they will perform at Regionals.  At the meeting, Kurt shocks everyone, by suggesting that, instead of Blaine singing both songs all by himself (while the rest of the group does the Pee-Pee Dance behind him and hums) why not include  . . .  a duet?

Blaine then pipes in and suggests that he sing the duet with . . . Kurt.

The Warblers’ put it to a vote.  And, since none of these Cute Musical Robots have been programmed to do anything aside from hum, do the pee-pee dance, and agree with everything Blaine says, they almost unanimously vote to let Blaine and Kurt du-et with eachother. .  .  (Get it?  Du-et?   Sounds like do  . . . nevermind.)

BLAINE: “If Pavarotti the Animatronic Bird has had more speaking lines than you, this season, please raise your hand.”

While “practicing” for his duet with Blaine, Kurt gets up the courage to ask his soon-to-be-Boy-Toy, why he chose to sing the duet with him, rather than one of the older Warblers.  Blaine then sits down next to Kurt, and looks intently at him, with those big brown teddy bear orbs of his.  “There is a moment,” he begins, when you look at someone, and think, ‘Oh, there you are!  I’ve been looking for you forever.’  Yesterday, when you sang Blackbird, that was a moment for me . . . about you.”

This is the second time, in a single hour, that Blaine managed to give me chills.  The way that Blaine then bent over to kiss Kurt . . .  the way Kurt gently, and then more aggressively, grabbed Blaine’s face with his right hand . . . the way the pair looked at one another in complete awe and wonderment, after it was over, before going back  in for seconds . . . it was all . . .  MAGICAL.  There is just no other way to describe it . . .

WATCH!  I dare you not to be moved . . .

BURT:  “I bet you are glad I gave you that sex talk NOW, aren’t you, son?  Now, give me back my PAMPHLETS!”

Meanwhile, back at McKinley High . . .

Rachel is the Only Berry on Her Family Tree (and Quinn is just a B*tch).

Rachel is still trying to write an original song about something that doesn’t involve head gear.  Her second performance for Finn, is entitled “Only Child.”  In it, Rachel decries the horror, of never being able to sleep in bunk beds, and being the “only Berry on her family tree.” 

Yes, it was a LAME song.  (I, for one, prefer “My Headband.”)  And yet, as an only child, myself . . . I must say, I can relate!  (I always REALLY wanted a bunk bed . .  . before I learned how hard they are to climb to the top of, while inebriated.  Thanks, College!)

While Finn is not-so-subtly telling Rachel, that this is “Strike Two” on the Original Song attempts, Quinn is watching from a distance, plotting a Massive Rachel Take Down of Mean Girls Proportions.  After all, Quinn NEEDS TO BE PROM QUEEN!  And she NEEDS FINN IN ORDER TO DO IT . . . 

(Ughhh!  Can someone please knock this ho-bag up, again?  I’m tired of Evil Quinn, or, as Finn calls her, “Scary Quinn.”  I want Insecure Baby Bump Quinn BACK!)

“My Precious!”

Careful, Quinn!  This guy wanted to be Prom Queen too.   And look what happened to HIM!

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”  That’s the motto Quinn decides to live by, when she supports Rachel’s renewed request that New Directions perform original songs at Regionals.  Quinn even offers to help Rachel come up with a new song!

Except, when the two do finally start to write, and Rachel asks Quinn whether she and Finn are back together, Quinn shows her true colors, by telling Rachel that she is not meant to be with Finn.  Apparently, Quinn has given this A LOT of thought, because she then launches into this whole future scenario for Quinn and Finn.  She becomes a real estate agent in Lima.  Finn takes over Burt Hummel’s car repair business.  And the pair live in town, raising lots of not particularly intelligent Fuinn babies.  

Hey, remember when Quinn dumped Puck, because she thought he was nothing more than a “Lima Loser,” and SHE wanted to leave town with Finn, so she could move on to Bigger and Better Things?  NO?  That’s OK.  Apparently . . . neither does Quinn!

“Like most of the characters on this show, I have a rare disease, which prevents me from having any short term memory whatsoever, beyond the current episode.  Remember Drew Barrymore’s character in 50 First Dates?  I’m kind of like her.”

Upon hearing that she doesn’t fit in with the Finn, and the rest of the Lima Losers, Rachel runs out of the room crying, when she should really be jumping for joy . . .

“YAY for ME and my eventual meteoric rise to fame (and subsequent stint in rehab, at age 21)!”

Inspired by her sadness, Rachel rushes home to write a song for Regionals . . .

Meanwhile, back in the Choir Room .  . .

Trouty Mouth?  Big Ass Heart?   HELL-TO THE NO!

“Back up off me or I’ll EAT YOUR FACE OFF with my Supposedly Mondo Mouth which really isn’t that big, at all!”

Rachel isn’t the only Glee kid attempting to write an original song.  Santana writes one herself, in an attempt to prove to Brittany that, after the latter rejected her for Artie, she is now “safely” back in the closet. 

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Except, the song that Santana chooses, while tauting itself as a “love song” to her “boyfriend,” actually has the unintended effect of proving just how attracted to boys Santana ISN’T.  The song is called “Trouty Mouth.” And its lyrics, more or less, compare poor Sam’s lips to every kind of fish and slimy amphibian featured in a high school science book . . .

“Now, THAT’S offensive!”

For his original song, Puck serenades his lover girl Lauren with yet ANOTHER fat song. 

“You’re DEAD, PUCKERMAN!”

Except, this time, he’s talking about Lauren’s heart . . . her Big ASS Heart.  Admittedly, it’s a sweet song.  The lyrics are REALLY clever.  And Puck’s sultry singing voice, never fails to cause my panties to drop on the floor, every time I hear it.  The only problem is that Lauren Zizes, DOESN’T have a Big Ass Heart . . . at least not from what we’ve seen, which makes this . . . just another thinly-veiled song about her large girth, after all. 

But, hey!  It’s Puck!  And he’s hot!  So, we forgive him!

“I get away with EVERYTHING!”

Then, Mercedes sings “Hell-To the NO!” 

And it’s EXACTLY the kind of awesome song you would except this character to write and sing.  No further explanation is required, really!

Brittany didn’t write an orignal song.  But she informed us that her favorite song of all time is “My Headband” by diva songstress Rachel Berry.  (Woah!  Who’d have thought that Brittany, of all people, would be the character on the show with best memory for stuff that’s happened in past episodes.)

Finally, Will helps the Glee kids brainstorm a song idea based on their collective hatred for Sue Sylvester.

It’s entitled “Loser Like Me.”

It’s Regionals TIME!

The day has come for the New Directions, The Warblers, and Aural Intensity to perform at Regionals.  They will be judged by Kathy Griffin, whose playing some sort of weird amalgamation of Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, and Michelle Bachmann.  You’ve gotta love how Fox (a.k.a. Republican TV), by nature of Glee being one of its most successful shows, was forced to make fun of nearly all of it’s female mascots in a single hour of television!  It’s just too bad Kathy G. wasn’t particularly funny in this role  . . .

“Oops!”

Also judging the competition is Loretta Devine, who appears to be playing some sort of take off on Whoopie Goldberg’s character from those old Sister Act movies.  A cute idea .  . . but . . . also not really funny.

Taking into consideration the seemingly “ultra-conservative” bent of the judges, Aural Intensity, led by none other than Sue Sylvester, perform the song, “Jesus is my Friend,” while holding hands, and morphing into the formation of various religious symbols.

Umm .  . . yeah.  I don’t have much to say about that.

We didn’t get to hear Aural Intensity’s second number, but I strongly suspect it was something off the Sister Act soundtrack . . .

Next up, are the Warblers.  Kurt and Blaine perform a very sweet, and romantically charged, if not particularly energetic, rendition of Hey Monday’s “Candles.”

And then, because, apparently, the world would EXPLODE if the Warblers entered into a competition, wherein Blaine did not get AT LEAST one entire song to himself, Blaine sings Pink’s “Raise Your Glass,” another song in high rotation on my iPod.  (Hey Blaine!  Call me!  We can swap mix tapes!) 

As usual, Darren Criss does a nice job with this song.  And yet, I kind of wish New Directions had sung it instead.  The thing is . . . for me . . . the Warblers . . . with their Pee Pee Dances, and their Hogwarts Jackets . . .  just seem a bit too straight-edge to properly convey the angsty “I Don’t Give a F*&k!” attitude of this Anthem to Outsiders.  But don’t take my word for it . . .

New Directions are up last.  For the first number, Rachel sings the song that Quinn’s evilness, and her unabiding and inexplicable love for Finn have presumably inspired within her, “Get it Right.”

As she sings, Finn watches from backstage, and gives Rachel EXACTLY the same “I can’t live without you” look that Blaine gave Kurt earlier in the episode . . .

Don’t worry, Quinn.  Knowing Finn (and Glee), Douche-Boy will be BACK in love with YOU again in two episodes, tops . . . (Man this love triangle is getting annoying!)

I have to laugh when, about HALF WAY through this number, Kurt turns to Blaine and whispers, “Wow, they are doing Original Songs.”  (Seriously?  It took you THAT LONG to figure this out, Kurt?  Sex with Blaine must be killing your BRAIN!)

“Where am I?  Is this Sectionals?  Why aren’t I on stage?  I’m part of New Directions too!  Aren’t I?”

The Glee kids’ second song is the Sue Sylvester-inspired “Loser Like Me,” which could more or less, be Glee‘s theme song . . . if the show actually had one.   The number even features confetti-filled slushees, and lots of folks making the “L” sign on their foreheads . . .

Back in the audience, Kurt (who, just five minutes ago, DIDN”T EVEN KNOW  thathis friends were performing “Original Songs”) magically has the foresight to pass out props that are completely appropriate for this particular musical number.  Go figure!

“Hey Blaine, I plan to use this on you after the competition.  Pretty kinky, right?”

After virtually no deliberation, and no explanation whatsoever as to which teams come in second and third . .  .  SURPRISE . . . New Directions wins Regionals!!!!

So, Sue punches out the Governor’s Wife on stage, because . . . oh, who the heck knows!

The episode ends with the New Directions hugging an ecstatic and tearful Rachel for her remarkable dual performance, while Kurt and Blaine bury Pavarotti, clasp hands, and walk off together into the sunset to have hours and hours of hot monkey sex in Kurt’s bedroom . . .

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And that’s what you missed, on Glee . . .

Next stop, NATIONALS!  See you then, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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I Wanna Sex Ed You Up! – A Recap of Glee’s “Sexy”

During the last episode of Glee, we learned that alcohol is fun.  But if you drink it at school, you WILL projectile vomit all over your friends in a public setting.  And if you drink too much of it, you will drunk dial your ex, or, maybe, accidentally, your greatest enemy, and tell them that you were thinking about boning them, while riding a bull . . .

This week, we learned that sex is fun.  But there are “feelings” involved.  And you shouldn’t make sex tapes, if you are under 18.  Oh, also, wear condoms.  Because everyone has . . . a “RANDOM.”

And they said Glee wasn’t educational!

So, slip into something “more comfortable,” dim the lights, and snuggle up under the covers, with you know WHO . . .

 . . . because it’s time to get “Sexy.”

You Put Your Chastity Charm WHERE?

The episode begins at a meeting of the McKinley High Chastity Club . . . well, I use the term “club” loosely.  Since, at least at the beginning of the episode, the “club” only has three members.  And one of those members pretty much gets humped at least twice every episode . . .

Those balls won’t be blue for LONG!

Emma, the MARRIED 30-year old sex abstainer, seems vehement about fellow members, Rachel and Quinn, avoiding sexual activity for as long as humanly possible.  (Hate to break it to you, Emma.  But for the GIRL WHO HAD A BABY, that ship has sailed . .  . around the world . . . three times . . . and sank into the ocean.)  The problem with Emma’s celibacy speech, is that it seems less designed to keep her students safe, and more designed to keep them virginal, simply so SHE doesn’t feel “left out.”

More inspired than Emma’s speech, however, are the “chastity charms” she gives members of the Celibacy Club, and, it seems, anyone else who wants one.  The charms feature a heart-shaped locket and a key.  Of course, Emma is horrified when she learns that the charms are being used as nipple rings . . .

“Omigod!  They look like cow udders!”

Really, McKinley High students?  Because, honestly, I can think of a WAY more appropriately symbolic place to hang your chastity charm than on your boob, if you catch my drift . . .

In the student lounge at lunch time, Emma complains to Will and Beiste about the alarming sluttiness of the student body.  Cue the very slutty entrance of Holly Holiday a.k.a Gwyneth Paltrow a.k.a. McKinley High’s New Substitute Sex Ed Teacher . . .

Now, cue the 21-Gun Salute that takes place in Will’s pants . . .

Like Emma, Holly is also concerned with her students’ relationship with sex, namely, their lack of knowledge about it.  Through a flashback, we see Holly showing her class how to put a condom on a cucumber.  “Wait . . . cucumbers can give me AIDS?” Finn inquires nervously.

Beware the Evil Aids-Giving Cucumber.

Emma and Holly then get into an argument about the proper way to teach kids about sex.  Emma believes in NOT teaching them, and, instead, preaching abstinence.  Holly argues that celibacy for teens and married 30-year old guidance counselors is simply not realistic.  However, if you are open and honest with students about sex, they can make better decisions relating to it.  Holly then tells the crew that she is “off to have crazy sex, because she is crazy informed about it.”

Upon hearing this, Will gets down on all fours, and starts panting like a dog . . .

Schuester LIKE!

OH NO!  NOT ANOTHER PREGNANCY STORYLINE!  Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.

Back at school, Santana wants to spend an evening sharing Lady Kisses and watching Sweet Valley High with Brittany, even though I’m pretty sure that show hasn’t been on television in about 10 years.  (Maybe one of the Glee writers was a fan?)  But, unfortunately, Britt can’t hang, because she thinks she’s pregnant . . .

“OH NO, NOT AGAIN!”

Of course, rumors of Britt’s Shocking Pregnancy spread around the Glee club, like wildfire.  But when Brittney explains that the REASON she think she’s pregnant is that there is a “stork’s nest outside her bedroom window,” Will comes to the shocking realization that Holly was right.  His students are TOTALLY clueless about sex!  And so, he puts on a ridiculous-looking leotard, and asks Holly for help.  (Note:  I couldn’t find a a screencap of Will in his nut-hugger.  Suffice it to say, he looked a lot like this . . .)

Holly decides that singing a sexual song to the Glee kids, while dressed in a trampy outfit, and humping chairs, is the best way to teach them the birds and the bees. 

So, after a very brief introduction .  . .

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 . .  . she launches into a rockin’ rendition of the song “Do You Wanna Touch Me?” 

The moral of this song, of course, is McKinley High apparently has NO school dress code whatsoever wear a RUBBER,  BOYS!  Because everyone has “A Random!”

Practice Makes Perfect Sex Faces . . .

We find Blaine and Kurt at . . . SURPRISE . .  . the coffee shop!  (Man these two consume a lot of caffeine!)  Sue Sylvester stalks them there, and inexplicably tells them that they have to sing a sexy song in order to be relevant to the episode’s theme the McKinley High kids are upping their sex appeal.  So, if the Warblers want to win Regionals, they will have to do the same . . .

But what do the Warbler boys know about being sexy?  After all, most of them haven’t seen a FEMALE in about four years, let alone “wet hugged” one!  So, Blaine decides to invite over some females from the local girl school to “test the waters” . . .

I bet there are about EIGHT porno films that begin just like this . . .

With their human sexy barometers in place, the Dalton boys begin rocking out to “Animal” . .  . and . . . SURPRISE . . . Blaine’s got the solo . . . again!  But wait . . . Kurt’s there too!

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But . . . why does Kurt look like he has to pee?

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Perhaps, it has something to do with all the water . . .  and foam . . . and Warbler “Wet Hugs” . . .

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You can watch the Warblers, in all their humpy, soapy, animal-y goodness, right here:

After the number, Kurt and Blaine are alone together again. (Does anyone else notice how, ever since Kurt arrived at Dalton, Blaine has stopped hanging out with any of the other Warblers?  Interesting  . . .)  Blaine starts having hot horny bunny sex with Kurt wants to know why Kurt was making all those weird faces during the performance?  Kurt explains that those were his “sexy” faces.  So, Blaine asks to see them up close, so that he can judge for himself . . .

Unfortunately, for Kurt, his “sex faces” don’t really make Blaine want to give him a “Wet Hug.”   Rather, they remind him of someone who has gas . . .

For what it’s worth, I disagree with Blaine.  I think Kurt’s “Sex Face” looks more like a cross between Derek Zoolander . . .

 . . . and Charlie Sheen . . .

Either way . . . NOT SEXY!

The problem, of course, is that Kurt has NO sexual experience, whatsoever.  I mean, his idea of a hot porno is the Dalton Academy’s production of Sound of Music . . .

Blaine figures,  if he ever plans to “Wet Hug” with Kurt, he’d better nip this issue in the weiner . . . FAST.  And so he attacks the problem at its source, by visiting Kurt’s dad . .  .

Blaine starts by telling Burt how envious he is of the great relationship he and Kurt share.  (I think most of us are a bit envious of that, actually.)  Then he lets the other shoe drop.  If Burt doesn’t hurry up and give Kurt the “birds and the bees ” talk, there’s a good chance that his son will learn about sex from boning Blaine by watching those Eating Out movies they are always showing on the Logo channel, late at night . . .

As a straight girl, can I tell you?   These are SO HOT!  (The acting is usually crap, of course.  But, let’s be honest.  That’s not why you’re watching.)

So, Burt, being the kickass dad he is, goes out and picks up some pamphlets.  And then he tells his son that it’s time for The Talk . . .

Needless to say, Kurt is not particularly receptive, at first.  But then Burt reigns him in by giving him the BEST SEX TALK EVER!  I mean seriously, if I ever have kids, THIS is the Sex Talk, I’m going to give them . . . well . . . maybe a slightly modified version . . .

Here are the highlights:

“You know, when you’re intimate with somebody in that way, you’re exposing yourself.  You’re definitely going to be more vulnerable. And that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. . . . Once you start doing this stuff, you’re not going to want to stop. You just . . . You’ve got to know that it means something.  It’s doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem.  Even though it feels like you’re just having fun.  Kurt, when you’re ready, I want you to be able to do everything.  But when you’re ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you matter, Kurt.”

All together now, “AWWWWWWWWWWWW!”

(Did you ever wish you could hug someone through your television screen?  Because that’s what I wanted to do to Burt Hummel, after this scene was over.)

In other Sexy news . . .

“You’ve just been Zized!”

So, Puck wants to star in a sex tape .  . .

. . . with Lauren Zizes . . .

Apparently, this is all part of  Lauren’s “big plan” to be “famous,” like the “Kardashians,” and have her “own reality show” with a “clever tagline” :  “You’ve just been Zized.”

The most bizarre part of this whole storyline for me (aside from the obvious, of course) was that Puck and Lauren “researched” their sex tape, by watching other sex tapes on the internet in the SCHOOL LIBRARY.  (Public School FAIL!)   They also conveniently told Ms. Holiday about their plans, when she caught them in the act . . . of watching the tapes.  (What did you think I was going to say?)

Holly helpfully informed the budding new couple that, if they made a sex tape, they would both be guilty of CHILD PORN.  Having been accused of being a creepy pedophile by his OWN SEX ED teacher, a clearly traumatized Puck finds himself, for the first time in his life, NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX!

You would think that GETTING A GIRL PREGNANT last season would have the same effect on him  . . . but no.

So, Puck joins the Celibacy Club . . .

 . . . which seriously pisses off his horndog girlfriend . . . that is, until she learns that he “like, cares about her . . . and stuff.”

PUCK:  “Haha, my evil plan has worked!  I am so getting laid tonight!”

Meanwhile . . .

Boys are like Wasa Crackers.

Best . . . product placement . . . EVER!

Ahhh . . .  Will Schuester . . .  such a martyr.  Once again he is trying to get laid . . . to educate his students, of course!  So, being the “Swell Guy” he is, The Schue commandeers Holly for a little musical number, specifically, a tango, to the tune of Prince’s Kiss . . .

You can tell immediately that Will is extremely aroused during this performance.  For starters, his singing voice gets so high that you literally can’t tell it apart from Holly’s.  (Yes, I realize that Prince, himself, had a high voice.  And that this was the whole point of the musical number . . . But I still found it bizarre.  Sorry!)

The dancing was pretty hot, though!  Watch, and you’ll see what I mean . . .

After the number, Will takes the opportunity to ask a sweated up Holly Holiday on a date.  And she TURNS HIS ASS DOWN!

“I break Nice Guys like you, like Wasa Crackers,” Holly explains.  “You married your high school sweetheart, and then went out with a virgin,” Holly notes, adding insult to injury.   (You’ve got to admit.  Girlfriend’s got a point!) 

Speaking of virgins . . .

Emma has herself an Afternoon Delight . . .

Concerned that Holly’s teachings are only offering teens one viewpoint about sex, Emma decides to lead the Celibacy Club in their own musical number, to illustrate an alternate way of thinking.  With the help of Rachel, Quinn, new Celibacy Club member, Puck, and her new husband, Carl,  Emma performs “Afternoon Delight.”

Watching this not-very-good musical number, I must admit that I was . . . confused.  To give you an idea of  just how confused I was, here are some of the recapping notes I took, during the performance:

-Why are they singing Afternoon Delight?  Is the choice of song supposed to be ironic in some way?  Wouldn’t a song like Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” a.k.a. A Cautionary Tale About Car Sex, be more appropriate for this purpose?

-Why are there pictures of dessert in the background?  That’s kind of kinky!

-Why are they dressed like THAT?

-Why is Emma so friggin annoying?   I kind of feel like the Emma character unintentionally functions as the Poster Child for Teen Sex.  In other words, “have sex young, or you will end up like Emma.”  Way to send positive messages, GLEE!

Of course, after the musical number, all is explained.  (Well . . . almost all.)  You see, apparently, Afternoon Delight, is not just a euphemism for “sex on your lunch hour,” it is also . . . a DESSERT, which, when you think about it, is kind of fitting! 

Later, Carl and Emma decide to visit Holly for some much-needed “couples’ counseling.”

As it turns out, these two have been married for HALF A YEAR, and still have NEVER HAD SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER!  See what I mean . . . about the whole Giving Virgins a Bad Name thing?  I mean, “waiting until marriage” is one thing . . . waiting until your Golden Anniversary, is quite another.  In the words of Jesse from Full House, himself.   “Have MERCYYYYYY!”

I’ll admit I made this exact same face, while I was watching this scene.

Holly perceptively figures out that Emma’s longstanding love for Will, might be the glue that’s keeping her legs together.  When Holly suggests as much to Emma, the latter can’t deny it.  The realization forces Carl to storm out of the room, and possibly the marriage . . . something a Smart Guy would have done SIX MONTHS AGO . . .

“I could have told him THAT!”

In completely unrelated news, that doesn’t fit anywhere else in this recap . . .

 . . . these two doofuses are making monkey again.  (I wonder where SHE hung HER Chastity Charm?)

Speaking of making monkey . . .

Brittana Experiences a Landslide of Emotions

Last we checked, Brittany was dating Artie.  And Santana was dating Sam.  But that’s not stopping these two former Cheerios from boning in Santana’s bedroom on a fairly regular basis . . .

But don’t worry, guys!  It’s not cheating, if the “plumbing is different!”  At least, that’s what Santana says!  (Speaking of which, I have a clogged toilet that needs fixing.  Now, I know who to call!)

In a surprisingly coherent post-coital moment, Brittany complains to Santana that all they do is bone.  And they never talk about their feelings.  But Santana is not exactly the sharing type.  And she tells Brittany as much.  Nevertheless, the girls decide to visit Holly Holiday for their own version of couples’ counseling.   So, Holly plops the pair down in a Sexy Sharing Circle . . .

. .  . and asks them if they think they might be lesbians.  The Sharing Scene, by the way, is accompanied by Rotating Camera Shots, which always make me dizzy and slightly nauseous.  This scene was no exception.  (WHY MUST SHOWS ALWAYS DO THIS?  WHY?!)

Anywhoo . . . since the girls can’t articulate their feelings for one another, Holly suggests they sing about it.  And they do . . . with Holly’s help, of course. Because, apparently, it is in Gwyneth’s contract that she must perform at least three musical numbers during each Glee episode in which she appears to prove that she is a “Real Artist” . . . or something.  So, Holly sings “Landslide,” while the two besties exchange tearful and longing looks with one another.  It’s kind of heartbreaking, really.

At the end of the number, Brittany and Santana share a hug, laced with emotion and symbolism . . .

Upon seeing this, Sam turns to Artie and says that he wishes that the two of them can have a relationship as close as the one their respective girlfriends share . . .  (And you’ve gotta love the latent homoeroticism in THAT!)

After class, Santana confronts Brittany by the lockers.

She then tearfully explains to Brittany that she loves her, and wants to be with her, and ONLY her.  In fact, Santana has wanted this for a long time, but was afraid of what people would say about her behind her back, if she submitted to these desires.  Brittany admits to Santana that she loves her too, and would totally be with her . . . if it weren’t for Artie.

Oooops!

“Whoever thought being fluid would mean you could be so stuck,” Santana explains morosely.

Brittany then moves in to hug her again, but a heartbroken Santana pushes her away. 

It was a powerful scene.  One that was beautifully acted by both Naya Rivera and Heather Morris.  It’s refreshing to see these two actresses finally getting the chance to display themselves as more than just The Comic Relief.  And I hope we get to see more scenes like this between them in the future.

In other news, Will and Holly made out at the end of this episode.  Now, they are dating.  Zzzzzzzzzzzz  Yippee!

Next week on Glee, New Directions heads to Regionals with “Original Songs.”  You can watch the promo for the episode here:

See you then, my fellow Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Drunk People . . . Singing – A Recap of Glee’s “Blame it On the Alcohol”

Sunglasses = The Ultimate Hangover Accessory

This week’s installment of Glee was kind of like a weekend-long, alcohol-fueled bender.  It was random, plot-free, only mildly coherent, embarrassing, vomit-filled, and, yet . . . at the same time . . . AWESOME!

So, fill up those shot glasses, turn on some Ke$ha, and get ready to make out with someone completely inappropriate, because it’s time for a GLEECAP!

Everybody in the School, Get Tipsy!

When the episode begins, Principal Figgins (or, as I like to call him, The Fig) is, once again, in need of Mr. Schuester’s help.  Apparently, McKinley High’s alcohol content has recently skyrocketed to Charlie Sheen-type levels.  The entire student body is walking around blitzed on Four Loko, cheap beer, and Mike’s Hard Lemonade (a.k.a. The Good Stuff).  To combat this trend, The Fig wants The Schue and his Glee kids to perform a song about “the Dangers of Drinking” at the school’s “Alcohol Awareness Assembly.”

Normally, The Schue would welcome this opportunity!  The problem is that lately he has become DEPRESSED.  And, why not?  He’s lonely and divorced.  The object of his affections is house hunting with her faux-husband, Jesse from Full House (Have MERCY!).  And .  . . well . . . actually, I’m not sure what it is about THIS week that is making Will so much more miserable than usual.  I mean, his life is the same degree of sucky that’s it’s been for about four episodes now!  But it’s important to the plot that he be “depressed.”  So, we’ll deal . . .

Always one to rub Will’s face in things, Sue materializes to tell Will that Alcohol Awareness Week will most certainly send our favorite Spanish Teacher straight to the Drunk Tank.

Now that you mention it Sue, a Rehab-themed episode of Glee would be FABULOUS.  Just imagine all the Special Guest Stars we’d get to see!

But enough about those BORING teachers!  We want to see some GLEE KIDS GET WRECKED!

Rachel Berry’s House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza!

Poor Rachel!  She had such good intentions.  There she is, just minding her own business, trying to create an original song for Regionals, when a (very hot) Mohawked-devil LITERALLY appears on her shoulder, and tries to convince her to throw a party at her house, while her two dads are on vacation.  Rachel initially rebuffs Puck’s offer.  But there’s nothing like a Really Bad Musical Performance to drive our diva heroine straight to the bottle . . .

Truth be told, Rachel’s “Original” single, “My Headband,” probably isn’t going to make it on to the Top 100 Itunes Downloads this week.  And yet SOME might have found it inspiring!

Unfortunately, for Rachel, Finn is more of a pigtail-type guy, and, therefore, doesn’t show Rachel’s ode to headgear the love that it deserves.  Rachel realizes that the reason she can’t come up with an “inspired” original song is that she has no “life experience.”  She has never even TASTED ALCOHOL BEFORE!  And so, our girl decides to throw a house party, after all, and invite “all of her friends” i.e. the Glee Club and Blaine.

The Glee crew is skeptical at first, as to whether Rachel will truly be able to “throw down” with the rest of them.  And yet, they all ultimately decide to attend, looking forward to the Massive Trainwreck that will inevitably result .  . .

Doesn’t this screenshot kind of look like one of those Sex Hotline ads you usually see on TV at 3am?  Justin sayin’

As expected, the party gets off to a pretty lame start, with Rachel, clad in a what looks like my grandma’s nightgown, pawning off wine coolers on her guests, and threatening to involve them in a game of “Celebrity.”

Oh, Rachel!  Hasn’t having two gay dads taught you ANYTHING about fashion?

Once Puck convinces Rachel to let him break into the liquor cabinet, however, things pick up, rather quickly.

We are treated to a fun little Drunk Party Montage, to the tune of Far East Movement’s G6, as Designated Driver Finn generously gives us all a tutorial on the “Different Types of Drunk People.”  (Who said you couldn’t learn anything from Glee?)

Which type are YOU?

Source

Angry that Finn has dubbed her Needy Drunk, Rachel sets out to prove how very UN-needy she is, by setting up a game of Spin the Wine Cooler Bottle.  To everyone’s surprise, the hottest kiss of the night actually belongs to . .  RACHEL AND BLAINE?

Sexual orientation aside, these two are actually kind of smokin’ together.  For one thing, they look like FRATERNAL TWINS! (Wait .  . . ewwww . . . nevermind.  That’s not awesome AT ALL!) 

Honestly, am I the only one who thinks Drunk Blaine and Drunk Rachel are WAY MORE FUN, and WAY LESS ANNOYING / JUDGEMENTAL than Sober Blaine and Sober Rachel?  I didn’t think so .  . .

“Your face tastes awesome,” slurs Rachel in Blaine’s ear.  (YAY, Cannibalism!)

After swapping spit and gnawing on one another’s faces for a good twenty seconds, while a dejected Kurt looks on miserably, Rachel and Kurt segway immediately into an impromptu duet of The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me?” 

Considering how COMPLETELY FUBAR-ed these two individuals supposedly are, the resulting performance is surprisingly good!  See for yourself . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get to actually see the rest of the party.  However, we can assume that the night went pretty well, when we see Kurt’s dad Burt (who NEVER TAKES OFF HIS BASEBALL CAP, by the way.  What’s up with that?) barge into Kurt’s bedroom the next morning, only to find THIS GUY in there  . . .

“WAY TO GO, KURT!  (My son is a TOTAL PIMP!)”

“The Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass”

Despite the party having taken place on Friday night, the Glee kids are all conveniently still completely hungover by Monday.  (LIGHTWEIGHTS!)  The experience of being hungover has somehow converted Artie into Chris Rock.  So, he informs the rest crew, in a RIDICULOUS accent, that they should all join him for some Bloody Marys, a.k.a. “The  Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass.”

Cut to the once-again inebriated Glee kids performing “Blame it on the Alcohol” for Mr. Schue in the school auditorium, while swaying back and forth on Rotating Red Leather Furniture(?).  Seriously?  What kind of BUDGET does the Glee Club have that they get these type of props?  At my high school, musical performances in the auditorium always featured the exact same scenery:  Hand-Drawn Smiley Faces on Posterboard . . .

The Schue, who apparently has NO SENSE OF SMELL WHATSOEVER, and is also a moron, can’t tell his own students are wasted.  They are just REALLY GOOD ACTORS.  (De-Nial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Schuester!)  And yet, Will wonders whether this Jaime Foxx ditty glorifies drinking a bit TOO much to be performed at the Alcohol Awareness Ceremony.

You be the judge .  . .

The Schue Gets Sloshed

Tired of listening to Will’s nonstop “wah-wahing” about how sucky his life is (Aren’t we ALL?), The Schue’s new bestie, The Beiste, decides to take the Glee Club advisor out for a night of hard drinking, bull riding, and cheesy line dancing.  The pair even get up on stage and sing a duet of that countrified ode to wasted-ness, “One Bourbon, One Shot, One Beer.”

This would all be well and good, except for the fact that Will still has Spanish tests to grade . . .

“Que HAGO Uds.?”  “Yo ESTOY el hermano de Pepe?”  YO NO THINK SO!

After giving all his CLEARLY illiterate Spanish students A+’s on their exams  (I am SO transferring to this school!), Will makes the same fateful mistake many of us unfortunately make after a night of endless boozing and faux-soul searching.  Of course, I am referring to . . . THE DRUNK DIAL!

“Emma?  I luuuuuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

As luck would have it, the following morning, when a VERY hungover, also sunglasses wearing (Product Placement much?) Schuester arrives at school and confronts Emma about his belligerent late night phone call, she has no idea what he’s talking about. 

“PHEW!  Now THAT would have been embarrassing . . .”

Then again, maybe he’s NOT so lucky, after all . . .

“You want to put your   . . . WHAT . . . in my . . . WHAT?”

In sober-er news .  . .

Ring Around the Closet . . .

Poor Little Ornery Kurt!  He’s not exactly having the best episode.  First, he made the mistake of STAYING SOBER at Rachel’s party.  So, he had his full faculties, when he had to watch the man of his dreams make out with his new gal pal.  Then, his dad read him the riot act about having Blaine sleep over, despite the fact that the dude was so wasted, Kurt didn’t even get to COP A FEEL!  Kurt accuses his dad of having a double standard, regarding the whole sleepover issue.  “If Finn had PUCK sleepover at the house, you wouldn’t care!”  Kurt whines.

*sigh*  A Finn and Puck sleepover . . . I’ve had dreams about this .   . .

Burt gently reminds Kurt that his analogy is a POOR one.  While Burt wouldn’t care if Finn had PUCK sleepover, he WOULD care if Finn had Quinn or Rachel sleepover.  (Does that mean KURT can have Rachel sleepover, without his dad getting mad?  I mean, it’s only fair, right?) 

“I watched all of Brokeback Mountain.  Now, I don’t know much about gay stuff, but I’m pretty sure something went on in that tent,” Burt notes wryly . . .

*sigh* Memories!

Ultimately, the father / son duo come to a compromise.  Kurt will ask Daddy, before having any possibly gay dudes sleep with him (a.k.a. any guy in Glee Club).  In return, Burt will school himself on the wonders of male-on-male sex, just in case Kurt happens to “have any questions” on the topic.  (Oh, Burt!  I have a WHOLE LIST of really great movies I can recommend for you on this topic.  Just call me, OK?)

But Kurt’s dad is the least of his problems.  Kurt also has to worry about the fact that a ONCE AGAIN drunk (My, they sure fall off the wagon fast on this show!) Rachel has asked Blaine out on a REAL date, post kiss.  And Blaine has accepted!

“And we can play Barbies, and watch The Care Bears Movie, and you can braid my hair, and play with my dollhouse .  . .”

Kurt sees Blaine’s acceptance of a date with Rachel as a blatant rejection of Kurt homosexuality.  Blaine argues that he is just not that into him “confused” about whether he’s into dudes, chicks, or both, and that Kurt should stop chasing after him like a wounded puppy be more understanding.  Then Blaine ends the conversation, just as any straight manly man would, by sticking his tongue out, flipping his hair, and strutting off, in a huff . . .

That night Kurt stops by Rachel’s house to ask stalkerish questions about Blaine, and interrogate her about the Infamous Date the two shared help her clean up the basement, after the big party.  To Kurt’s chagrin, the pair actually had a great time.  Kurt “kindly” tells Rachel that she is destined to a be a perpetual  . . . forgive the expression . . . “Fag Hag” to gay guys pretending to be straight, starting with Blaine.  Now, if I were Rachel, I would of SLAPPED Kurt in the face for saying that to ME!  (Even though, let’s face it, it’s probably true .  . . for Rachel at least.) 

I love how, in this screencap, you can clearly see the bra Brittany was wearing earlier, at the party, hanging on the wall, behind Rachel and Kurt . . . It’s all about the details!

But Rachel, to her credit, refuses to be bullied by Jealous Kurt, and his pronouncements of doom and gloom.  She vows to kiss Blaine sober, thereby proving, once and for all, that the Warbler, is, in fact, in love with her.  After all, she is not about to pass up the opportunity to have “A New Musical Boyfriend” and . . .  eventually, “vaguely Eurasian-looking babies.”  I mean, can you blame her?

The next day, at the coffee shop, as Kurt creepily looks on, Rachel plants another smackeroo on the Blainester .  . .

Blaine’s reaction?  “Yep, I’m gay,” replies the Head Warbler, before exiting the coffee shop.

WOW!  Insensitive much?  Who knew gay guys could be such D-bags?  Fortunately, Rachel takes the rejection in stride.  Besides, being dumped by a gay guy in the middle of Starbucks is GREAT song-writing material.  Even, Rachel’s headband would agree!

Source

I Didn’t Know Vomit Could be That Color . . .

Looks more like Wet Cement . . . actually.

It’s the day of the Alcohol Awareness Assembly, and the Glee kids are unusually nervous about their performance of Ke$ha’s (or, as The Fig calls her “Ke Dollar Sign a”) rousing alcoholic anthem “Tik Tok.”  Fortunately, Rachel has come bearing courage-fabricating “refreshments.”  Said “refreshments” apparently include the REST of the contents of her dads’ liquor cabinet, all poured into one big yummy vat . . . along with cough syrup . . . and some crushed up Oreos . . .

Mmmmm . . .  Yummy!

Led by Ke$ha lookalike Brittany, and her criminally short-shorts, the Glee kids give a performance that starts off rather well, and ends in . . . for lack of a better word, Vomitpalooza 2011.

“Everybody drink responsibly,” slurs Brittany at the end of the performance, before rushing off for an intense session of Oreo Cookie Tossing and Porcelain God Praying.

You can enjoy the Glee kids, in all their pukey splendor, RIGHT HERE . . .

To add insult to vomit-covered injury, the next day, Sue decides to broadcast Will’s drunk dial to Emma across the student loudspeaker, during morning announcements.  (Poor Will!  He must not have very many friends AT ALL, if “Sue’s” name comes anywhere near “Emma’s” in his Cell Phone Contact List.)

Usually, on television shows like this, “Drunk Declarations of Love” are surprisingly romantic, eloquent, and poignant.  Not so here!  Kudos to Glee for showing the world what REAL DRUNK DIALS sound like: disturbing, stalkerish, and incredibly creepy.

  “Bring some wine coolers to my place, and we can get busy together ALL night . . . I rode a bull tonight, and when I was riding it, I was thinking of YOU,” slurs Will into his phone.  (Ummm  .  . . ew?)

“Awwww, you think I look like a Mechanical Bull!   That’s the sweetest thing anybody’s ever said to me!”

But just in case you were worried that our Glee kids and Will would experience repercussions for their bad behavior, worry not!  The Fig LOVED IT!  Thanks to the Glee kids barf, and Will’s humiliation, no one wants to be drunk in school anymore. 

Uhhhh  . . . your welcome?

In fact, The Fig is so grateful to the Glee club for their effort, he gives them all coupons to buy yogurt!  Because that’s the first thing you want to eat, after you’ve vomited up your insides . . . mushy, chunky, globule, yogurt  . . .

That afternoon, at Glee club practice, The Schue makes all the students sign pledges promising to stay sober through Nationals.   However, he also gives the crew his cell phone number, so that, in case they DO end up getting wasted, he can come pick them up from whatever dark alley they decide to shoot heroine in.

Can I get that number too, Will?

And that’s all she wrote!  Be sure to tune in two-weeks from now, when The Schue FINALLY takes a break from whining and complaining about how miserable his life is, in order to rock out to some Prince songs, and bang Gwyneth Paltrow.  Good times!

See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Just Bieb It! – A Recap of Glee’s “Comeback”

OK. Confession Time!  Before this episode aired, I had NEVER HEARD A JUSTIN BIEBER SONG.  Not one . . . ever.  I’m not sure why this is, exactly.  But I strongly suspect it might have something to do with his hair.  Simply put, it frightens me.

Yeah . . . remember that Chucky doll, they used to make all the horror movies about, back in the 90’s?  (I’m not even going to post a picture of him here, because I plan on getting some sleep tonight.  Thank you very much!)  Well, Bieber’s hair . . . it kind of reminds me of that freaky doll.

So, when I heard Glee was doing a Bieber-themed episode, I was skeptical to say the least.  “Would Justin himself be making an appearance?”  I thought to myself.   “Would I (gasp) have to stare at THE HAIR for AN HOUR?”

The answers to those questions ended up being “No” an “YES,” respectively.  And while this wasn’t exactly my favorite Glee installment, it did offer some genuinely funny moments.  It also gave me a minor appreciation for The Biebster.  (His hair still scares me though . . . A LOT.)

Let’s take a Bieb-alicious look back, at “Comeback,” shall we?

Meet Sam . . . and Sam’s Hair

It’s officially been half a season, since Sam Evans first became a member of Glee club, and since Chord Overstreet joined the cast, as a series regular.  Since then, the Glee writers haven given Sam a few solos, his own love interest, and more shirtless scenes than ANY CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, including (unfortunately) Puck . . .

But what they haven’t really given him is much of a personality.  And this week’s episode, while not going all the way, definitely took some strides toward remedying that oversight.

When the episode begins, we learn that, in the wake of her firework-inducing, mono-giving, makeout session with Finn (or, as I have taken to calling him, recently, Finndouche, Quinn has grown bored with Sam and his “mad choosing skills.”

Quinn openly scoffs at Sam’s suggestion that the pair go to “Color Me Mine” for Date Night.  Now, as far as hot dates go, “Color Me Mine” probably falls somewhere between “McNugget Happy Meal at McDonalds” and “private jet to the Bahamas.”  But we all know that PUCK got in Quinn’s pants, with nothing more than a few cheap beers, and some mildly kind words . . .

So, yeah, Sam, it’s safe to say that it’s not the POTTERY that’s to blame for your Dating Slump, it’s YOU!  Or maybe it’s not Sam, so much as his TOTAL LACK OF BACKBONE.  When Quinn tells Sam that she got mono, not from kissing Finn, but from giving him mouth-to-mouth when he CHOKED ON A GUMBALL (not the Heimlich, mind you, MOUTH-TO-MOUTH!) . . .

 . . . and Sam pretends to believe it, out of fear of losing his Ho-bag Barbie of a girlfriend, we all can see our blonde friend is just a smidge lacking in the cajones department, if you catch my drift.

That may not have been a GUMBALL, Quinn was carrying in her mouth, in the earlier picture.  Just sayin’.

But our Sam is optimistic!  He believes he can do what it takes to win back Ho-bag Barbie!  He’s ready to make . . . wait for it . . . a COMEBACK.  And that comeback starts with combing his hair into a creepy sidepart, and singing to a bunch of 13-year olds at what was probably LAMEST BAT MITZVAH EVER!

Seeing as Sam’s foray into being a one-man Justin Bieber Cover Band was SO successful with the Training Bra Crowd, he decides to bring his talents to an audience that DOESN’T make him look like a total pedophile when he performs in front of the — namely, Glee club.  So, off Sam heads to the front of the class to perform, Justin Bieber’s “Baby.”  To be honest, I found I couldn’t pay much attention to the song itself, because I found Sam’s (Bieber-esque (?)) dance moves, which were somewhat of a cross between the Robot, a Monkey in Heat, and Every Bad Line Dance You’ve Ever Seen, so oddly mesmerizing . . .

Just . . . cant . . . look . . .away.

Sam’s Scandalously Bad Dancing clearly hypnotizes the Glee Girls too, because the minute he starts performing, they are suddenly fawning all over the guy, and clinging to him, like a bunch of wet rags.  So, of course, Artie, Mike, and Puck want in on The Bieber Experience too.  After all, all three guys have found themselves in a Post V-day slump.  And they are in desperate need of some Bieb Street Cred to get back into their respective ladies’ panties. 

(OK, this is where I cry B.S., MIKE CHANG!  Last week, your girlfriend was so desperately in love with you, that the mere sight of you made her BURST INTO TEARS OF JOY.  NOW, just a few weeks later, you honestly expect me to believe that she has become immune, not just to you, but to YOUR ABS too?)

Did I MISS the episode where Tina went blind?

Unlike the rest of the Glee boys, Finn has no interest in Bieberizing himself (at least, at first).  After all, who needs Bieber Moves, when you’ve got Gassy Infant ones?

So, the rest of the Glee guys perform YET ANOTHER Bieber song for the Glee girls (and Schue).  This time, it’s “Somebody to Love.”  Again, the dance moves are bizarre (and, strangely enough, involve  . . . chalk?  Or maybe that was massive amounts of dandruff, the boys were playing with on stage?  I couldn’t really be sure).  But unlike with Sam’s first performance, this time, it wasn’t the dance moves that kept me from focusing on the music.  It was Puck and his reappearing / disappearing “Bieber Head,” which seemed to switch places with his Mohawk, on and off, throughout the musical number.

Hairy Puck issue aside, the second performance was an especially big hit with Ho-Bag Barbie, Quinn, who IMMEDIATELY decides to dump Finn cold turkey, and go back to her now-Bieberized boyfriend, Sam.  Unfortunately for Quinn, Santana has already dug her claws into that ridiculous mop top head.  Pulling Sam aside, she forces him to admit that he knows about his girlfriend’s affair with Finn.  She also “delicately” offers the Macauley Culkin double her “services”.  “I wants on them Froggy Lips.  And I wants on them NOW,” she coos . . .

Not surprisingly, Sam dumps Ho-Bag Barbie’s ass, ASAP.  And in the character’s final scene, we watch him get “up close and personal” with Santana and “the two rambunctious twins that live on [her] ribcage.”

Personally, I CAN’T WAIT until she gives HIM Mono . . . or whatever Fun Variety Pack of STDs she is currently carrying

Sue-icide is Painless

Sam wasn’t the only Glee cast member in need of a comeback, this week.  After her earth-shattering Cheerios cheerleading championship loss, which resulted in the Glee club getting ALL of the school’s extracurricular club money, Sue is SO depressed, that she actually tries to KILL HERSELF by OD-ing on Gummy vitamins!  When that doesn’t work, she tries BEATING UP GLEE CLUB MEMBERS.  (Can someone tell me how this woman is STILL A TEACHER?)

Emma, being the annoyingly GOOD person that she is, sympathizes with Sue’s plight, and really wants to help.  So, she offers her the MOST AWESOME SELF-HELP PAMPHLET IN THE HISTORY OF SELF-HELP PAMPHLETS!

But when that doesn’t work, she flashes her tits puppy dog eyes at Schue.  And, this somehow convinces him to let Sue join Glee club.

WILL:  If I do this for you, will you divorce Jesse from Full House, and have white-gloved, compulsively-clean, insanely boring sex with me in the Choir room?

EMMA:  DEAL! 

So, of course, Sue uses this opportunity to try and sabatoge the Glee Club, using the oldest trick in the book:  pit the members against one another.  (Zzzzzzzz — Honestly, Sue, I expected something a little more creative from YOU!)  And, so, Sue tells resident divas, and new found besties, Rachel and Mercedes, that each has said that the other has “no talent.”  The result is a “Diva Off” to “Take Me or Leave Me” from the musical Rent. 

It is also, by far, my favorite performance of the episode . . . which is weird for me, seeing as the pieces that come from musicals typically tend to be my least favorite on the show.  (I guess I’m just “uncultured” like that.)

You can check out Rachel and Mercedes, and their fabulous DIVA OFF, right here:

As you may have noticed, Sue’s plan here fails MISERABLY.  And the act of singing, which was initially meant to divide Rachel and Mercedes, actually ends up bringing them EVEN CLOSER . . .

Realizing what Sue tried to do to his Glee Kids, Will punishes her and us with Intense Emotional Manipulation.  Oh yes, boys and girls, we are off to sing “This Little Light of Mine” to sick kids at a hospital, or, as Sue calls it, the House of Sad.  Thanks Glee!  Because, I wasn’t feeling guilty enough about the cracks I made at the prepubescent Bieber’s expense (well, really just The Hair . . . and The Dancing) in this blog.  You had to go and make me feel like an even crappier human being, by making me watch THIS!)

Sue’s journey to the House of Sad inspires her to lead the Glee kids in an “Anthem,” which just so happens to be the theme for the upcoming Reginonals Competition.  She chooses “Sing” from My Chemical Romance.  Now, I know some of your out there were deeply offended that Glee would have the GALL to cover a song by the admittedly fabulous MCR.  But I, for one, was actually pretty happy with this performance.  Then again, maybe that’s just because I like flannel . . . and furry hats.

Speaking of “Interesting” Fashion Choices . . .

Turns out, Lauren Zizes isn’t really all that good of a singer.  But I am a BIG fan of the cheesetastic 80’s inspired outfit she wears, when she performs “I Know What Boys Like,” in front of the crowd, this week . . .

Additionally, I was a HUGE fan of Puck’s suggestion, as to how Lauren could combat her stage fright!  As a result of that suggestion, during Lauren’s admittedly “Meh” musical number, we were treated to the teen’s view of what the Glee crew would look like in their underwear . . .

Aside from the obvious titillation of a shirtless Mike Chang, and SUPRISE, yet another shirtless Sam Evans shot, I’d have to say my FAVORITE underwear choices were a toss up between Finndouche and his Power Ranger Underoos, and Sue’s decidedly uncomfy Catwoman / S&M Mistress of the Darkness getup . . .

Will’s Cutoff Short Shorts (seen toward the left of this screencap) bring up the “rear” (No Pun Intended) for a close third.

In fact, my ONLY complaint, about Lauren’s undie choices, was THIS . . .

There is, most certainly, no way in HELL, that Puck sleeps with a SHIRT ON!  Opportunity for Greatness = Wasted.

Oh, and then THIS happened, which frightened me . . .

All political correctness aside, you have to admit, that is one SCARY screencap!  Also, is that a WEDDING RING on her finger?

In Other Fashion News . . .

“Being Cool” is apparently at the top of Rachel Berry’s “To Do” List, right above THESE ITEMS . . .

AVATAR on Ice Audition, ay?  Now THAT would be a fantastic Glee episode!

So, Rachel pays Britney to dress like HER, so that the unpopular Diva can also become a “trendsetter” by association.  How does one dress like Rachel Berry?   By shopping the Sales Rack of Kids R’ Us, of course!

Rachel’s plan actually WORKS!  And, within days, the entire female student body is rocking the “Sexy Librarian Chic,” look or whatever the heck Rachel calls it . . .

The problem is, however, that no one attributes the TREND to Rachel.  Rather, they ASSUME the style came from Brittany herself.  In fact, they openly mock Rachel for her inability to copy it correctly.  (She wore a reindeer on her sweater, when she should have worn a carousel horse.) 

“When people look at you, they don’t see your clothes.  They see a cat getting its temperature taken . . . and then they hear it screaming,” Brittany helpfully offers, by way of explanation, as to why this anomaly has occurred.

Source

Rachel gets shot down AGAIN this week, when she tries to convince her fellow Gleeks that they should not perform “Sing” at Regionals, because, while flannel and furry hats are cool, they are not cool ENOUGH to beat competitors, like Aural Intensity, the Warblers, and, of course, Vocal Adrenaline.  Rachel thinks the group should instead write their own ORIGINAL music. 

Though he doesn’t have the balls to stick up for Rachel in the Choir room, WHERE IT COUNTS, Finndouche, de-Douchifies himself long enough toward the end of the episode, to tell Rachel and her Minnie Mouse costume, that he believes she has what it takes to write an original song for Regionals, and, ultimately, convince the Glee kids to sing it at the competition. 

“I think you are do for a COMEBACK into my pants,” Finn insists to his Ex, as he walks down the hallway, leaving Rachel to have a Mini-O at the mere notion that this cheating lame-o actually BELIEVES IN HER!

Yeah, I know this picture has nothing to do with what I just wrote.  I just posted it here again, because I think it’s really funny.  Also, Finndouche and I are in a fight . . . So, TAKE THAT, FINNDOUCHE!

All sarcasm aside, Sue announces, during the final moments of the episode, that she will now be acting as Glee coach for New Directions’ competitors, “Aural Intensity”  . . .

(Yeah, because that’s not unrealistic at all!  Sorry . . . sarcasm again!)

As a result, Sue will likely have THEM performing MCR’s “Sing,” considering it was her song choice, after all.  Therefore, I’m thinking that Rachel’s dream to write her own music for the Regional competition is about to come true . . .

And that was “Comeback” in a nutshell.  Did it give YOU the Bieber Fever, or would you prefer that it “GOback” where it came from?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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