Tag Archives: Sara Canning

The Vampire Diaries has FINALLY returned! Let’s celebrate with a LIVEBLOG!

It’s been a loooooooooong time, since The Vampire Diaries last graced our television screens . . .

Not quite 145 years .  . . but it sure felt like that long!

We have waited patiently . . .

(Admittedly, some of us may have been more patient than others .  . .)

And FINALLY our patience (or lack thereof) has been rewarded.  Because the wait is over, Fangbangers!  As for those Sexy Salvatore Brothers, well . . . THEY’RE BAAAAAAACK!

As you ALL probably know, The Vampire Diaries’ “The Descent” premieres January 27th at 8 p.m. on the CW.  The question is, how do YOU plan to celebrate?

Will you DANCE?

Or, perhaps, have a few drinks?

Do you plan on getting laid that night?

Maybe, you will get to do a ALL OF THE ABOVE!  (You lucky DOG, you!) 

But whatever you decide to do, momentous occasions like this simply don’t happen every day!  And when they do come around, it’s important to share them with fellow fangirls (and boys) like yourselves!  For this reason, my Brilliant, Gorgeous, Hilarious, and All Around Amazing Blogging Pals, Amy of Imaginary Men, and Cherie over at My Spidey Sense is Tingling, and I have decided to LIVEBLOG THE MID-SEASON PREMIERE!

What’s a LiveBlog, you ask?  Well, it’s kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about “The Descent” with other fabulous fangirls, like yourself, while the show is airing.  Or, if you’re shy, just read along.  And let US do the work for you!

  In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!), Amy, Cherie and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part. 

TYLER: *reads*  “Who’s the hottest character on The Vampire Diaries?  I’m going to go with choice “C,” Tyler!”

CAROLINE:  “Hmmmm . . . what are the other choices?”

TYLER:  “Hey!  Don’t make me go all werewolf on you, again!”

Of course, if you miss the LiveBlog, and want to check it out after the episode airs, you can do that too!  Here’s an example of a LiveBlog we did back in September, for the show’s season premiere. 

“Haha!  Those girls TOTALLY thought I was dead, when Damon broke my neck, back in ‘The Return.’  Silly Fangbangers!”

(Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.  Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides “chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources — or the necessary legal approval — to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!)

So, if you are up for celebrating The Vampire Diaries’ mid-season premiere with a bunch of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of  both snarky commentary and shirtless vampires . . .

 . . . CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. on Thursday, January 27th! 

(You never know WHO you might meet! 😉 )

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Vampire Diaries

Let’s Have Some Fun with The Vampire Diaries’ Promotional Posters!

Aside from being an amazing show, with stellar writing, and a talented, not to mention, sublimely sexy, cast, The Vampire Diaries is also known for its INGENIOUS marketing strategies.  Every few months, the CW marketing department releases a few new fabulous posters to promote the show.  These posters tend to feature one or more of the cast members in a sexually suggestive pose, adorned by both the TVD logo, and a titillating tagline, which hints a bit at what’s to come on the show. 

Here are a few of my favorite promotional posters, from The Vampire Diaries’ recent past . . .

In honor of the upcoming mid-season premiere of The Vampire Diaries, the CW has released three NEW posters, one featuring each of the show’s three main characters.  The first poster was released around the time that the show’s mid-season finale, “By the Light of the Moon” aired.  Elena was the focus of that poster. 

Its tagline,  “Death is a sacrifice Elena is not willing to make,” was a not-so-subtle reference to the dangerous deal Elena made with Elijah, in order to release Stefan from the Underground Tomb, where he and Katherine were heretofore trapped.  (It also probably referred to “The Sacrifice,” the title of Season 2’s tenth episode.)

The second new promotional poster was released in early January 2011.  I’m pleased to report, that it featured my FAVORITE character, Damon Salvatore, in a mesmerizing EXTREME CLOSEUP! 

As for its tagline, “Look out Damon, your emotions are showing,” it refers to Damon’s increasing inability to “turn off his emotions,” particularly when it comes to the people he loves (Stefan and Elena), and the friends, who have helped him along the way.  Could these not-so-hidden emotions impact his relationship with Elena, in the upcoming episodes?  Will Damon’s “forgotten” declaration of love to his brother’s girlfriend, be “remembered,” once again?  (MAN, I HOPE SO!)

The third installment of this new poster series, features Stefan Salvatore.  According to interviews with Paul Wesley, himself, his tagline,  “There’s a reason he always gets the girl,” refers to Stefan’s nefarious, almost Damon-like past, and the one woman in it who deemed him capable of redemption. 

This can only mean two things, TVD fans: (1) more flashbacks to 1864; and (2) DARK STEFAN RETURNS!

But why must Elena, Damon, and Stefan be the only cast members of The Vampire Diaries to get their own promotional posters?  What about the rest of the cast?  Honestly, I think this is a travesty of justice!  For this reason, I have decided to create MY OWN posters for some of the OTHER residents of Mystic Falls . . .

Here’s one for our favorite Baby Werewolf, Tyler Lockwood . . .

Not creative enough for you?  Perhaps, this one will be more to your liking . . .

But what about Tyler’s new Gal Friday, Caroline?  Surely SHE deserves a poster too!

In fact, I don’t think one poster is enough for Caroline Forbes.  After all, Vampire Barbie isn’t just a character, she’s a commodity to be “played with” by fangirls (and adoring boys) EVERYWHERE!

Having already covered, Tyler and Caroline, I would be remiss not to create a poster for the third point of that aforementioned Love Triangle.  Of course, I’m referring to the Cute but Clueless, Matt Donovan . . .

Speaking of Clueless, what about Aunt Jenna?  Doesn’t SHE deserve some poster love too?

While we are on the subject of Jenna, what about her dashing History Teacher Turned Vampire Slayer Boyfriend, Alaric Saltzman?  Surely, Damon’s bromantic buddy, and favorite weapons enthusiast is worthy of a poster all his own.  Isn’t he?

Hmmm . . . I think I’m missing a new couple here . . . Oh, I KNOW!  It’s Mini Gilbert and Bonnie the Teenage Witch!

But enough about all these Good Guys, I need some VILLAIN posters!   Let’s start with the biggest villain of them all . . . ROSE!  (Hey, she interferes with my Delena Mother Ship!  That makes her a BIG BAD VILLAIN, OK?)

But, you know, there are villains I ACTUALLY LIKE on this show.  And one of them is Kickass Vampire Katherine.  Granted, unlike the other cast members for whom I’ve created posters, Katherine HAS already been featured in promotions before.  (See the poster featuring her and Stefan, above).  Nevertheless, this Tomb-Dwelling Femme Fatale has never had her OWN poster . . . until now . . .

(It’s a Full House reference . . . just in case you missed it.)

Another villain we all love to hate, is the mysterious OLD VAMP, Elijah.  He’s smart, intense, wryly humorous, and scary as ALL HELL!  So, I for one, think it’s high time, he got inducted into our TVD Poster Hall of Fame . . .

Well, that about does it for the villains, we KNOW.  But what about the ones we haven’t met yet . . .  You all know who I’m talking about, right?  I’ll give you a hint, he’s a vampire who’s name rhymes with “mouse.” 😉

So, there you have it.  Now ALL of the main cast members of The Vampire Diaries have their own promotional posters, just in time for mid-season premiere . . .

Well . . . almost everyone . . . 

Speaking of “The Descent,” I am proud to report that my blogging pals, Amy from Imaginary Men and Cherie from My Spidey Sense is Tingling, will be LIVE BLOGGING the entire episode!  Be sure to check back here, later this week (probably this Tuesday or Wednesday) to find out how YOU can join in with the fangirly festivities. 

See you then, my fellow FANGBANGERS!

[www.juliekushner.com]

10 Comments

Filed under Promotional Posters, The Vampire Diaries

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “By The Light of The Moon”

“Now, Caroline, I know you’re on the run from a bloodthirsty werewolf right now, but would you mind telling me who styles your hair?  That Medusa look you are sporting now is simply TO DIE FOR!”

Dreamy Doppelganger Tomb Sex, Magical Orgasms, deals made with the Devil himself, hot shirtless sweaty werewolf transformations galore, a Death Bite, and a Crying Kat, what more could a fangirl want out of a mid-season finale?

(Well . . . aside from THAT, of course. ;))

(And that. ;))

Tonight’s TVD installment definitely brought the excitement, and the drama, as the show’s writers got all of their characters to exactly where they need to be, for the second half of the Season.  Let’s recap, shall we?

“Is that wolf hair on your back, or are you just happy to see me?”

When the episode begins, Tyler the Super Masochist is rewatching the Snuff Werewolf Porn his Uncle Mason left for him in the S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway.  He calls Mason, who he believes to be in Florida (instead of . . . you know . . . dead . . . like he actually is) to ask him for advice on what he should wear to his upcoming Werewolf Coming Out Party (Guest list = Caroline).  Unfortunately, Mason is a rotting corpse in the trunk of Damon’s car not home to take Tyler’s call.  But THIS CHICK is . . .

As luck would have it, THIS CHICK can’t take Tyler’ call either.  She’s much too busy staring at the phone, with that “I’ve got an EVIL GENIUS plan” expression on her face . . .  The chick (whose name is Jules, by the way) apparently has magical “Beam Me Up, Scottie” powers, because, despite living in Florida, she is on the doorstep of Tyler’s Virginia mansion, within the time frame of a single commercial break.  But Tyler doesn’t have time to talk with Jules.  He has a full night of hot half-naked almost sex with Caroline painful werewolf transformations ahead of him.  And so, he makes up some excuse as to why he has to leave, and exits stage left leaving Jules to interrogate Tyler’s mom as to Mason’s whereabouts . . .

After meeting up at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Tyler and Caroline head together toward the S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway . . .

Once there, Tyler quickly disrobes . . .

. . .  so he can make sweet, sweet love to Caroline won’t ruin his designer duds, upon shifting.  Caroline feigns shock and embarrassment at Tyler’s nude form, but we can all tell she totally wants to tap that ass . . .

With his all-important nudity out of the way (THANKS, TVD WRITERS!), Tyler goes about the business of actually making himself less of a danger to society.  While shackling himself to some fairly heavy duty chains (see what I mean about the masochism?), Tyler ask Caroline for the wolfsbane he requested that she get for him.  (Werewolf Fact:  Wolfsbane is poisonous to werewolves, and saps their strength.)  When Caroline hands the wolfsbane to Tyler, he instantly recoils from its touch, the rare spice nearly burning a hole in his hand.  He then dumps the vervain into a water bottle and begins to drink it, an action which causes him to wretch uncontrollably.

As the transformation progresses, Tyler proceeds to get sweatier and sweatier, and hotter and hotter looking.  But he is also in a crapload of pain, and not in a good way  . . .

Despite his repeated requests for her to go away, Caroline refuses to leave Tyler’s side – caressing his cheek, rubbing his back, and whispering encouraging words in his ear.  But when things start to get REALLY BAD, Caroline straddles Tyler, and rides him like a pony . . .

Yeeee haw!  Ride’em cowboy!

However, when Tyler starts growling, and sprouting gross pulsating growths on his back, Caroline determines that it may be about time for her to leave.  Now, almost a fully transformed werewolf, Growly Tyler begins systematically breaking free from his chains, one by one.  Oh, yeah .  . . Caroline is SO out of there! 

A rabid Tyler lunges at Caroline, as she backs toward the door, full of tears, and muttering apologies, all the way.  Still trying to be a friend to Tyler, even though he “hasn’t really been himself, lately,” Caroline waits outside the Dungeon door for as long as she can.  But, eventually, it begins to buckle, and Caroline begins to worry about whether Were Tyler is strong enough to break the door down.

She gets the HELL out of there . . . 

The next morning, Caroline heads back to the tomb to praise an again-human Tyler on a successful Werewolf Coming Out party.  He stayed in the tomb, and DIDN’T EAT ANYONE!

“That’s a good boy!  You’re a good boy, Tyler!  Yes you are!  Now roll over and play dead.”

Seeing that her life is no longer in danger, Caroline straddles Naked Tyler, once again.  (That’s my girl!)  “You are OK,” whispers Caroline sweetly into Tyler’s ear.

“No, I’m not,” mutters Tyler, as he bursts into tears, finally recognizing the enormity of what has just happened to him . . .

(By the way, if CW shows were capable of EVER getting Emmy’s, Michael Trevino totally deserves one for this.  He took a scene that, in the hands of a lesser actor, would have been laughable and overblown, and rendered an understated performance that was both truly horrifying and heartbreaking at the same time.)

(Oh, and let’s not forget the NAKED . . .)

 Team Badass Returns!

How about a little Damon and Alaric bromance to bring you some holiday cheer?  But . . . before we get to them . . .

Knowing that Elena would go all suicide missiony on everyone’s asses, and rush try to get Stefan out of that tomb with Katherine, Damon came up with the brilliant idea of having Jeremy and Bonnie “entomb her” in her own home.  And, if I could find a GIF of Nina Dobrev doing the “Mime Thing,” as she tried to break through the imaginary wall in front of her house, I would.  Suffice it to say, it looked kind of like THIS . . .

 . . . only less creepy.

Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.  I just found one.  (Man, I love GOOGLE!)

But just when Elena is about to KILL Bonnie and her little bro for doing this to her, Damon magically appears . . .

Damon announces that he has arrived for his tour of duty on “Elena Patrol.”  This involves, making sweet, sweet love to Elena on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home  invading Elena’s personal space and eye-f*cking her brains out, until she’s so blissed out, she’s forgotten Stefan’s name . . .  THEN making sweet, sweet love to her on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home. (See what I did there?)  😉 

Things get off to a great start, when Damon plops down on the couch next to Elena, and throws his arm around her shoulder, like the total Playa he is.  “I find hilarity in the great lengths I go to to save your life,” Damon snarks, meeting Elena’s trademark, “puss face” with a smile . . .

But then Alaric calls . . .

. . . and tells Damon that he is needed for a Daring Mission and Buddy Cop hijinks.  And while us Delena fans love Team Badass, we can’t help but be a bit saddened, as our dreams of Delena Cabin Fever Sex slowly fly out the window . . .

Clearly, Elena was looking forward to Delena Cabin Fever Sex too!

Anyway, Team Badass’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to find out what the deal is with this Jules girl, who is nosing around Mystic Falls, and trying to find Mason.  They catch up with their mark at . . . where else .  . . THE ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT in Mystic Falls.

I love the way Damon and Alaric double-teamed Jules, using the same Good Cop / Douchey Drunk Cop Wingman Pickup Technique perfected by college boys, everywhere.  (Hey, maybe this would work on Elena?)

It’s worth a shot, right?

Anyway, while Jules is busy thanking Sweet Damon from saving her from Big Bad Louse Alaric, Alaric pours some wolfsbane in her drink.  If she chokes, she’s a werewolf.  If not, she’s just a b*tch.  In short, it’s like Two Guys, a Girl, and a Rufie – Werewolf Style.  (Thanks for the funny, Amy!)

If you recall, this was the same trick Caroline’s mom used on Poor Damon (i.e. vervain in the lemonade) a few episodes back, to out him as a vampire.  At least the experience taught him something useful!  The problem is that Jules is no fool, and sees right through the ruse.

She instantly smelled the Ode de Vampire cologne on Damon’s neck, and immediately guessed that he would try to slip wolfsbane in her drink.  “Tonight is the night of a full moon.  On any other night, our positions are reversed.  But tonight is not the night to pick a fight with me.  You’ve been marked,” warns the OBVIOUSLY werewolf Jules, before stalking out of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.


“What the f*ck just happened there?”

Furious that he’s just been one-upped by one of Mason’s K-9 floozies, Damon is mad and ready for revenge.  However, Alaric kindly reminds him of that legend that he always relays during the “previously on” portion of every episode, “One bite from a werewolf can kill a vampire.”

Alaric certainly doesn’t want his buddy to die!  So, he advises him to return to La Casa de Rich and Awesome STAT, and lock all the windows and doors.  Surprisingly, Damon complies . . . but there is someone locked in there with him.  (ELENA?  PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)  It’s Rose .  . .

Awwww, CRAP!

Rose tells her sob story.  She’s scared.  She has no where to go, and blah, blah, blah . . .

Hear that?  That’s the sound of the smallest violin playing for Rose.

Then, a window breaks.  Damon’s got another female visitor (ELENA?  PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)

It’s Jules, only she’s kind a looking a little doggish, if you ask me.  (Tyler was a kickass scary werewolf.  Jules looks more like a cute werepuppy.  Where I come from, we call that sexist, TVD writers.)  But instead of going for Damon, Jules bites . . . wait for it .  . . ROSE.

I’m liking this Jules character more already!

After Jules exits stage left, poor Damon actually looks genuinely concerned as to Rose’s welfare.  He hugs her close to him, feeling scared for her, not to mention incredibly guilty for the part he played in her demise.  But then, Rose’s bite appears to heal . . .

OK . . . OK . . . I know that was harsh.  But I promise you, I didn’t just want Rose to Bite the Big One, because she gets in the way of my Delena ship (though that is a VERY good reason).  I just think that cinematically, it would have been more dramatic, particularly considering this was a mid-season finale, for Rose to die instantly from were bite, as if shot with a bullet.  Not only would this force Damon to experience feelings of guilt, over the part he played in this loss, it would also prove to the Salvatores that werewolves (including Tyler) are a genuine danger for them, not just a hypothetical danger. 

But NOOOOO!  Rose seems totally fine . . . or is she?

“Sorry Rose.  It’s not you, it’s me.  You see, us Salvatore brothers are genetically programmed to only fall in love with girls who look like Nina Dobrev.”

A funny thing happened toward the end of the episode.  I started to NOT MIND ROSE .  . .

I know . . . crazy, right?

This was strange for me, considering my opinion of the character changed, while she was wearing that RIDICULOUSLY WHORISH purple nighty thing (seriously, what is up with that?), sitting way too close to Elena’s man for comfort, and KISSING HIM!

But here’s the thing.  I like that Rose doesn’t want to pursue anything romantically with Damon (WOO HOO!  GO TEAM DELENA!  We’ve still got it.). I like that she just wants Damon to scratch her itch, and assume the “friends with benefits” position that Now-Dead Trevor once occupied . . .

“500 years of sex with the same gal gets kind of boring, no?”

Perhaps, even more importantly, I like that Rose REMINDED Damon that he is in love with another woman . . .

Heck, she even seems willing to HELP Damon GET that woman — so that he could better screw protect her — if necessary.  (How’s that for self-sacrifice?)  So, of course, that means that Rose has to die, right?  Because whenever I start to kind of like a character I used to hate, they always have to die.  And when Damon finds these creepy pulsating bruises on Rose’s back, he begins to worry that werewolf bites may be fatal to vampires, after all .  . .

(Wait . . . does that mean my dreams of hot Taroline were/vamp sex cannot come true?)

Dammit!  Now they’ve got me rooting for Rose to live .  . .  MEAN WRITERS!

Meanwhile . . .

Bonnie and the Magical Orgasms, Part 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Having given Poor Jeremy the old kiss off, last week, Bonnie decides to busy herself with the task of de-spelling the Moonstone.  For help, she goes to . . . you guessed it . . . Little Richie from Family Matters Luca . . .

Luca is apparently a HUGE Witch Nerd with all sorts of Grimmores?  Grin Mores?  Gulags? spell books just lying around the house, waiting to be used at a moments notice.  Though mildly pissed at Bonnie for “channeling” him in the tomb-opening spell that almost killed him, Luca, who hasn’t been magically f*cked since last week, seems more than willing to help Bonnie de-spell the stone. 

And so the pair create their trademark romantic setting, with candles, and flowers, and blah, blah, blah.  Then they go in the center of a circle, hold hands and play Ring around the Rosey screw eachothers brains out WITH THEIR MINDS . . .

I decided to put Luca’s CURRENT picture here, only because the image of Bonnie mind f*cking the little kid from Family Matters was seriously starting to creep me out . . .

The “spell” looks surprisingly similar to the one these two did together last week, only this time the “moonstone” rose up and burst into sparks.  (I’m purposely ignoring the “their love set off sparks” metaphor the writers were obviously trying to go for here, because it was just so gosh darn LAME!)  But did Bonnie and Luca REALLY cure the moonstone of the doppelganger curse?  I’ll give you a hint . . . NO.  (OK . . . that wasn’t really a hint, but whatever.)

As it turns out, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has been pimping out his son, in order to carry out Elijah’s dastardly plans.  And one of those plans involved “despelling” the FAKE moonstone, and stealing the REAL one.  And that’s what Luca did for his dad . . .

Kid, you are SO GROUNDED!  No Sesame Street for you!

Speaking of Elijah . . .

“Hi, I’m Elijah!”

Ahhhh . . . Useless Aunt Jenna.  I discovered yet a third function for her idiocy this week.  Let’s see . . . in addition to staking herself, and allowing us a glimpse at Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, she also INVITES BAD VAMPIRES INTO THE GILBERT HOME . . . like ALL THE TIME!  This time it was Elijah, who she invited in under the guise of “picking up some books,” or something lame like that.

“He can have his stinky books.  I don’t know how to read, anyway.”

As it turns out, Elijah has a little proposition for Elena, one that DEFINITELY seems to good to be true.  You see, most of us TVD fans, myself included, always assumed that Elijah was a high-ranking henchman for the Big Bad Santa Klaus . . .

But tonight we find out that those two Old Fart Vampires are kind of “on the outs.”  In fact, Elijah would very much like to stake Santa Klaus’ ass (It is Christmas, after all!)  All he wants Elena to do is stop trying to get herself killed.  And then, when the time comes, Elijah and Elena will go kill Klaus together.  If Elena goes along with this, Elijah promises to see that no harm comes to the people she cares about . . .

Yes, I’m aware that Elena cares about other people aside from Damon.  I’m just trying to make a point.  OK?  (Besides, as you can probably tell, I REALLLLLY like this picture.)

But here’s the thing, Elena is (sometimes) smarter than she looks.  And she knows that she is in the position to negotiate additional favors from the surprisingly genial vamp.  (Seriously?  Wasn’t Elijah much less of a grouch, this week?  Who knows maybe he’s also in love with Elena . . . like everybody else on this show.)  As you can probably guess, that “favor” involves a certain tomb . . .

Fake Doppelganger Tomb Sex = FAIL!

At least, we always have the GIFS!

Stefan’s and Katherine’s much anticipated tomb sex romp, ended up being nothing more than an Inception like, dream-walking exercise in fan annoyance . . .

(Heck, if Stefan had only thought to spin a top during the intercourse, the whole thing might not have happened at all . . .)

“If that was really just a dream, why do I suddenly feel like I have crabs . . .”

The whole Dream Thing really does beg the question of how much control Katherine actually has over what Stefan does and says, in the DREAM WORLD.  Could Stefan have really cheated in the tomb with Katherine (YES YES YES PLEASE YES)?  Possibly, but it probably would have taken another 140 years — long after Elena was dead and buried — for Mr. Straight and Narrow to go to bed, and for Dark Stefan to come out to play . . .

DAMMIT, GOOD STEFAN!  You just pissed off a lot of fans, and gave me the worst case of Blue Balls EVER!”

Then again . . . maybe it would happen much sooner.  After all, Katherine’ reiteration of her love for Stefan — while she’s locked in the tomb and has nothing to gain from saying it — really did seem genuine.  What also seemed genuine was Katherine’s offer of help to Stefan, in finding Klaus, and destroying the Moonstone curse, and, thereby, saving Elena’s life.  “Find Isobel . . . she’s an expert vampire history,” Katherine suggests, more or less.  “She found ME.”

Well, well, well . . . it looks like Elena’s Mommy Dearest will be making a reappearance, after all . . .

Unfortunately, for Kefan fans, we don’t really get the opportunity to find out whether Stefan will stray from Elena in 140 years.  Because, about 10 seconds later, Elijah stages a Tomb Style Jail Break for Stefan on Elena’s behalf . . .

“Rats!  Foiled again . . .”

Honestly, I’ve never seen Katherine more frightened, than she was by the arrival of Elijah.  Her terrified tears were heartening, really — much more so than the dramatic ones she shed during the Katerina episode, in my opinion.  And yet, Katherine’s fear doesn’t trump her arrogance. 

Wrongfully, assuming that she’s been sprung from the pokey too, Katherine bounds out after Stefan, only to find herself face-to-face with the compelling gaze of Elijah.  “You will stay here until I come for you,” says Elijah calmly, as Katherine’s eyes do that thing Elena’s do to show their being appropriately mesmerized . . .

Then again .  . . the guys compelling these girls are always so gosh darn hot, it’s possible that this is just “the look of love”  . . .

As Stefan leaves, Katherine pleads for him to take mercy on her soul.  “You aren’t going to leave me here alone, are you Stefan?”

Stefan ponders Katherine’s question for approximately 2.5 seconds before saying, “SEE YA, SUCKA!”

So much for being the “Safest B*tch in Town” . . .

In the last moments of the episode, we are treated to a syrupy sweet Stelena reunion, and the hints of some Stelena sex . . .

DELENA FANS:  “Rats . . . foiled again.”

Well, that was “By the Light of the Moon,” in a nutshell, folks.  Next up . . . a LOOOOOOOONG Hiatus.  New episodes of The Vampire Diaries are slated to air January 27th.  While you wait, however, feel free to enjoy over and over again, this promo for the next new episode . . .

WOAH!  Rose is going all Crazy Vampire Zombie on us!  Apparently, werewolf bites are like rabies for vampires.  So much for Damon’s “Friend with Benefits!”  Looks like its going to be Vampire Vicki all over again.  And did you catch the steamy Taroline kiss? 

SCORE!

Still thirsty for more?  Check out The Vampire Diaries season 2 marathon,starting this coming Monday on the CW.  Experience the fangtastic magic again, for the second time (and the third, and the fourth, and the fifth . . .)

See you next year, fellow Fang Bangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Love is a Battlefield – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Sacrifice”

Oh, the games we play . . .

No matter which “Ship” you cherish, whether it be Delena (awwwwww yeah!), Kefan, Taroline, Maroline, Jonnie, or Lonnie (heck, there was even some Alarjenna in there, for crying out loud) . . . this episode had something in it to feed your specific desires.  Well . . . except for Stelena fans . . . The Sacrifice kinda sucked for you, didn’t it?

Sorry, Steffy!

And yet, in addition to being about sexual tension and foreplay, The Sacrifice was also about . . . you guessed it . . . sacrifices . . . namely the ways in which we are willing to risk our own lives and happiness for the people we love.  It’s just that . . . well . . . talking about the SEX is WAY more fun!  So, I’m probably going to focus on that part, if that’s all right with you?

Well, what are we waiting for?  LET’S DO IT! 😉

Elena Stalks Warlocks, while Jenna Eats Alaric’s Chunky Monkey

 

Oh, Useless Aunt Jenna, aside from trying to off yourself, THIS might be the most useful thing you’ve done in TWO SEASONS . . .

When the episode opens, Elena is in bed dreaming of Damon (just like I do, every night) when she is awaken by a rustling sound, and the visage of a mysterious being, hovering by her bedroom door.

“My name may be Jonas, and I may be a Brother, but this sure as hell ain’t no Camp Rock!”

Was what she saw real?  Or was it simply part of her dream?  Elena isn’t sure.  Now, if this was the film Inception, she could find out, by just spinning a top . . .

 . . . but it isn’t, so she heads down the hall to investigate.  What Elena finds, shocks her . . .

It’s Alaric, and he’s sporting some some serious wood Chunky Monkey . . .

Useless Aunt Jenna tries to feign embarrassment, over being caught in flagrante, by the teenage girl, over which she is supposed to be “legal guardian.”  And yet, Auntie J can’t seem to wipe the sh*t-eating grin off her face that says, “I TOTALLY HIT THAT!”  (Can you blame her?)

Meanwhile, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother is completely perving out in Elena’s room, stealing her highschool cheerleader pictures, some jewelry, a comb, and quite possibly, some “lady items.”

Elena goes to bed feeling violated.  Little does she know that having seen her sort-of mom get it on, is about to become the least of her problems . . .

Meanwhile, the Brothers Salvatore are making yet another visit to Katherine’s Tomb . . .

“Yep.  We’re Awesome!”

After spending some time “Chatting with the Kat” (This would be a great name for a talk show, by the way.), Damon and Stefan head over to Elena’s house.  When Elena opens the door and sees the brothers, she gets this big puss on her face, that makes me want to punch her a little bit.

  SERIOUSLY?  Would YOU have Puss Face, if THIS was on your doorstep?

What . . . is . . . wrong . . . with . . . this  . . . girl?

Puss Face aside, Elena ultimately invites Damon and Stefan into her home.  (She may be bratty, but is not blind, after all.)  Let the Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation ensue . . . 

Damon and Stefan explain to Elena their Grand Plan to (1) steal the moonstone from Katherine’s tomb; and (2) use Bonnie’s witchy powers to release the doppelganger damning spell from it — thereby, saving Elena’s life, in the process.  “Yep, we’re awesome,” says Damon, clearly proud of himself. 

Wouldn’t YOU be?

Alas, Wet Blankety Elena is not down with the plan.  She tells the boys that she’s not prepared to risk the lives of everyone she cares about, including the two of them.  Upon hearing Elena admit that she cares for him, Damon perks up instantly . . .

You like me!  You REALLY like me!”

And, if I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure I saw him do the Eye Thing, in celebration of Elena’s important declaration . . .

Speaking of Eye F*&king . . .

Screw Condoms — Witches and Warlocks Do It with THEIR MINDS!

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Back at school, Bonnie and Luka are hitting on one another / talking about Witch Stuff.  Bonnie gripes that, when she tries to do important spells (like that one where she passed Elena a note, in the last episode), her nose bleeds, and she faints.  This makes her feel like a total LOSER.  Fortunately, Big Bad Warlock, Luka . . .

 . . . he of the incredibly LAME super cool Salt Lifting Powers . . .

 .  . . has a solution to this problem.  It involves Air Sex intermingling the powers of Witch and Warlock.  So, Bonnie and Luka trade necklaces, and close their eyes.  Suddenly, it’s really windy outside, and Bonnie’s breathing all heavy, and making this KILLER O FACE!

The “spell” was so intense that everyone walking within 3 miles of it got an STD!  Then Mini Gilbert shows up, wondering why he suddenly has this intense urge to smoke a cigar . . .

The answer, my friend, is blowing you in the wind . . .

Then Bonnie, who is still clutching Lukas’ balls necklace, receives a text from Damon, who, undoubtedly is wondering why all of Mystic Falls High got screwed by Bonnie’s brain, when all he got from her were a few headaches. 

Busy girl . . . that Bonnie . . .

Elena Cock Blocks Rose – YIPPEE!

This mildly homoerotic picture is for the men that read my TVD recaps .  . . all two of you . . .

When Elena arrives at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and runs into a half-naked Rose, who mistakes her for a pre-sex DAMON, I get kind of pissed off . . .

But, then, I remember that Damon is busy trying to save ELENA’S life.  And, therefore, has NO interest in screwing this vamp floozy again.  That makes me feel much better . . .

Thanks silentwilight tumblr!

As it turns out, Elena has a proposition for Rose, one that DOESN’T involve that Man Stealer getting naked with a certain Hot Vampire she secretly luuuuuuuuves!  You see, Elena has figured out that Slater (who, unbeknownst to Elena, staked himself to death, in the episode prior) has information about Klaus that he might be willing to share with Elena.

“Rose!  Your friend is super hot.  I’d totally be willing to come back from the dead . . . again . . . to see her.”

Since, unlike EVERYBODY ELSE ON THIS SHOW, Rose can give two figs whether Elena lives or dies, Elena figures she can get Rose to take her to the “Vampire Almanac.”  In return for this favor, Elena offers to get Rose a Sunscreen Ring, so that she can finally walk around in daylight, like EVERY OTHER VAMPIRE IN MYSTIC FALLS! 

 VAMPIRE FAIL!

Recognizing that there is little chance of her EVER getting screwed by Damon again (YAY!), Rose reluctantly agrees to help her much more loveable nemesis . . .

However, when Rose and Elena arrive at Slater’s house, they find him . . . sort of indisposed . . .

Oops!

As if on cue, some gothy chick named “Alice,” who looks kind of a like a Poor Man’s Lelee Sobieski, runs out of the closet, in tears . . .

Come on!  Let’s not pretend the writers had any other reason for naming the character, Alice!

Surprisingly, however, “Alice” is actually NOT a vamp.  She’s just a wanna-be, who slutted around with Slater for a bit, in hopes that he would change her into a vampire.  Knowing an opportunity when she sees one, Elena asks “Alice” to help her hack into Slater’s computer, in return for Rose turning her.  Alice agrees, and makes me giggle, by admitting that Lame-O Slater’s computer password was “Kristen Stewart.”

And . . . the annoying Twilight references continue . . .

Having become bored, looking at Vampire Porn on Slater’s laptop, Elena decides to reveal to Alice (and Rose) her real reason for wanting to see Slater.  Elena asks Alice to spread the word in Vamp Town that the Petrova Doppelganger is “alive and ready to surrender” a.k.a commit suicide, to save the rest of the cast of this show from certain death, at the hands of Santa Klaus. 

Realizing that she f*&ked up royally, and basically sucks at life / undeath, Rose immediately phones Damon, so that he can come to Elena’s rescue . . . AGAIN.

Speaking of f*&king up, royally . . .

The Werewolf Diaries

Poor Tyler!  When it comes to supernatural creatures, werewolves certainly seem to have gotten the short end of the fun stick in TVD world, haven’t they?  Think about it .  . . vampires live forever and can control people’s minds.  Witches and warlocks can have mind sex, and give people they are mad at killer migraines.  What do werewolves get, except monthly pain, hairiness, and bad tempers?  In short, being a werewolf is about as much fun as having really bad PMS . . .

After some prodding from Caroline, Tyler agrees to show her his “plan” regarding how to deal with his first wolfy transition, during the upcoming full moon.  He takes his future girlfriend down to the Lockwood Dungeon – the same place Mason chained himself, a few episodes back, and where Caroline’s mom was kept when she temporarily learned that her daughter was a vampire. 

 Truthfully, the Lockwood Dungeon looks more like an S&M Parlor than anything else, with its wide assortment of whips and chains, and deep scratches on the wall . .  .

But WAIT!  There’s MORE!  As it turns out, Mason kept . . . you guessed it . . . a DIARY.  (What is it with these Mystic Falls people and their need to chronicle every moment of their lives on paper?  And why the heck are NONE of them blogging?)

Mason’s old diary chronicles every excruciating moment of his first werewolf transformation.  The process, which takes HOURS, by the way (the werewolves in True Blood and Twilight must come with fast-forward buttons) sort of sounds to me like the way new mothers describe the birthing process — except, instead of popping out a baby, these guys just sprout hair out of their backs . . .

As if the written description wasn’t bad enough, Mason conveniently webcammed the horrifying event.  Getting a dark glimpse into his future, as he watches the “movie” with Caroline, causes tears to come to Tyler’s eyes.  “I can’t do that,” exclaims a terrified Tyler.  “Whatever that was.  I can’t go through that.”

Caroline comforts Tyler, by promsing him that he will not have to go through this alone.  In doing so, she takes on the role Stefan did for her, when she first went vamp.  Tyler is clearly appreciative.  However, before things can get too sexually intense for Baby Were and Baby Vamp, the doorbell rings.  And I bet you will never guess who it is . . . (She says, sarcastically.)

IT’S MATT!  And, SURPRISE, he wants Caroline back.  Then, in a moment that probably occurs at least once in EVERY SINGLE TV SERIES, we see Caroline and Matt close to kissing and making up, when . . . suddenly . . . Tyler is at the door too!  So, of course, Matt figures that these two are doing it, which, as we all know, they eventually will be . . .

Nevertheless, it’s nice to see Poor Matt having a potential storyline again.  It’s only taken a season and a half . . .

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Operation Save Elena AGAIN is in full effect . . .

Jonnie Be Good

“Pull my finger.”

Before Damon got Rose’s distress call, he was busy with the rest of the Scooby Gang, plotting the theft of the moonstone from Katherine’s tomb.  Damon hopes Bonnie can use her witchy powers to vampire-proof the tomb, long enough for Stefan and/or Damon to go in, grab the moonstone, and leave, before Katherine can get out.   The assumption is that Katherine, having not fed since the last episode, would be weakened, and, therefore, at a disadvantage. 

“Please!  You think I’d be able to look this good, WITHOUT skipping a few meals?  Starvation is my specialty!”

 Mini Gilbert / Scrappy Doo rationally argues that if he went into the tomb, no spell would be needed, as he is human, and, therefore would not have to worry about being locked inside.

Good boy!  Now roll over and play dead . . .

Damon, however, quickly trashes this idea, calling attention to Mini Gilbert’s youth and general wimpiness.  (I know you Jeremy Fans are TOTALLY giving me the Stink Eye, right now.  But even YOU GUYS have to admit, that, while adorable, Jeremy hasn’t exactly proven himself to be the best physical specimen, when it comes to Vampire Fighting. . . .)

“It’s OK guys . . .  getting choked and beaten up repeatedly is all part of  my Master Plan.”

“Maybe, I can better the plan,” offers Bonnie.  (Well . . . it certainly can’t get much worse than what you have now!)

Bonnie’s “plan” is to burn Katherine’s picture . . .

 . . . along with . . . if I recall . . . a necklace of hers.  By burning these objects, while closing her eyes and mumbling creepy-sounding gibberish, Bonnie can great a dust that will temporarily incapacitate Katherine — thereby, giving the Salvatores more time to enter the tomb.  Unfortunately, while performing the spell, Bonnie gets another one of her famous nosebleeds . . .

This is a sign that, either Bonnie is working too hard, or that she is secretly a Cokehead.  I haven’t decided which.  Either way, the event is significant enough to cause Loverboy Jeremy to become concerned for Bonnie’s safety . . .

Bonnie assures Jeremy that she will be just fine once she gets in contact with her drug dealer.  To prove it, she lets Jeremy smell her breath, and suck on her finger.  (I make fun, but, seriously, the scene was HOT with a capital “H.”   And I say that as someone who is NOT on Team Jonnie.)

While Bonnie is snorting cocaine distracted, Jeremy steals some of her “Magic Dust,” and skips out to Katherine’s tomb, all by his lonesome . . .

Once inside the tomb, a surprisingly resourceful Jeremy shoots a dart of some sort at Kat, and incapacitates her with the coke Magic Dust.  Katherine falls backwards, in a very dramatic, cartoon villain-esque way, allowing Jeremy to run past her into the tomb.  And just in case you didn’t know he was in danger, SCARY MUSIC begins to blast VERY LOUDLY in the background, as Jeremy tries in vain to find the moonstone.  Of course, just when he grabs hold of it, THIS happens . . .

Tastes like chicken!  (Thanks, F-yeah Steven R. McQueen Tumblr!)

While Jeremy is nursing ONE HELL OF HICKEY, Damon is rushing to Elena’s rescue.  Also, Old Vamp Elijah and Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother are holding hands, and “conjuring” . . .

“You’re skin is so soft, Jonas.  What kind of moisturizer do you use?”

Having groped Jonas for awhile, Elijah now magically knows where Elena is “hiding.”  Hurry, DAMON!

“Get You’re Ass Out that Door, Before I Throw You Over My Shoulder, and Carry You Out!”

Yes, please!  (Thank you Delena’s DestinyTumblr!)

Damon arrives at La Casa de Dead Slater, and he looks PISSED!  He’s so pissed, in fact, that he barely notices “Alice” fawning him like a total fangirl (which, by the way, is EXACTLY how I would act in Damon’s presence).  Damon wastes no time getting up in Elena’s personal space and working his Crazy Eyes on her . . .

Those eyes were made for compellin’, and those lips were made for smoochin’!

Elena tells Damon, in no uncertain terms, that she does NOT want to be saved.  “Get your ass out that door, before I give you the best screw of your ENTIRE LIFE throw you over my shoulder, and carry you out myself,” Damon growls, his voice exuding sex.

Elena moves to slap Damon, as she has done SO many times in the past. (These two like it ROUGH!)  But Damon quickly grabs hold of her, and pulls her in closer.  Their eyes lock, as Elena struggles bodily with a stalwart Damon.  “Damon, let go of me,” she squeals.

Elena tries to wriggle out of Damon’s grasp.  But it’s completely obvious that the harder they fight one another, the more turned on they get.  Suddenly, both of their eyes are closed.  Elena’s neck is tilted upward, as Damon’s lips move closer to hers.  These two are so close to kissing you can almost taste Elena’s Lipsmackers, and the liquor-tinged blood on Damon’s hot breath.  

“Don’t ever do that again,” intones Damon, looking deeply into Elena’s eyes.    (Don’t listen to him, Elena.  DO IT AGAIN!  DO IT AGAIN!  DO IT AGAIN!)

In short, it . . . is . . . AWESOME!

Damon and Elena Mating Dance – Take TWO!

But then Slater’s cronies show up, and Elijah pops in behind them, and kills them like the Extras they clearly are . . .

And the Senseless Death Award goes to . . . Random Vampire Dudes . . .

(At some point during all of this, Rose runs away like the wimpy b*tch, she clearly is . . .)

Sayonara Sucka!  (DE-FTW Tumblr)

Damon then turns his attention to Elijah.  “I killed you.  I thought you were dead,” Damon snarks.

Then, something TOTALLY confusing happens.  Elijah runs away too!

Huh?

Later Big Bad Vamp admits to Jonas, that he realizes that Damon and Stefan would both give up their lives to keep Elena safe.  And, since it is Elijah’s ultimate goal to bring Elena to Klaus, “safe” is exactly how he wants her . . . at least, for now. 

So, in order to ensure Elena’s safety, he spared Damon’s life as well .  . . (I’m still not sure why Elijah didn’t just compel them all to give up Elena . . . but . . . whatever.)

Surprise, Surprise – Katherine’s got a Plan B . . .again

“I RULE!”

When Bonnie and Stefan arrive outside the tomb, they are surprised to find the moonstone, tauntingly tossed outside of it.  Stefan snatches it up, just as Katherine arrives, with her new hostage Jeremy under her arm.  Now, Stefan and Bonnie have the moonstone, but have to open the tomb, anyway, to rescue Jeremy, which is exactly what Katherine wants.  So, a sly Bonnie uses Luka’s necklace to channel his power, as well as hers.  She then begins attempting to open the tomb with her spell . . .

However, since this spell does not involve Mind-F*&king or Playing with Salt, Luka is not much help.  Within a few moments, Warlock Jr. is writhing on the floor of his home in pain . . .

 . . . and Bonnie’s about to pass out (AGAIN) too . . . “I can’t do it.  I’m not strong enough,” whines the Bonster, as she falls to the ground . . .

Bored of playing this game, Katherine strong arms Jeremy, and begins to walk further into the tomb.  In an impetuous moment, Stefan tackles Katherine, freeing Jeremy (which, of course, is exactly what Katherine wanted him to do).  Jeremy dashes to Bonnie’s side, as Stefan finds himself trapped in the tomb with the girl he used to screw, all those years ago . . .

(Thanks again, Steven R. McQueen Tumblr!)

Back at the Gilbert House, Bonnie and Jeremy tearfully admit to having risked their own lives to save eachother’s.  In addition to being kind of in luuuuuuuve with one another, the pair are also feeling mighty crappy about the ways in which each of their respective dumb acts, resulted in Stefan getting trapped in the tomb, as Katherine’s Sex Slave . . .

Squeeeeee!  I can’t wait until next week!

“Don’t act like this is one-sided,” demands Jeremy, moving in closer to Bonnie for the third time this hour.

Jeremy runs his hand across Bonnie’s cheek.  “You could have died today,” he whispers.

“And you almost did,” cries Bonnie.

The two move in even closer.  They are CENTIMETERS AWAY from one another now.  “I can’t,” says Bonnie inexplicably, before dashing out the door.  OUCH!

Ummm . . . Jeremy . . . I think you may have dropped these . . .

“That right there was the biggest mistake you ever made .  . .”

Awwwwww yeah . . . they’re at it again!

When Elena arrives home, and learns from Jeremy what happened to Stefan, she dashes off to the tomb, with Damon hot on her heels.  Outside the tomb, the pair bicker heatedly, like a married couple, as Stefan listens on sadly, from inside the tomb.  Damon calls out Elena for the stupid risk, she took with her life, by going to Slater’s house.  Elena responds that after all the times that Stefan and Damon have risked their lives to save hers, how could they possibly question, her decision to do the same?  (She’s kind of got a point there, Damon . . .)

In an almost complete mimic of their earlier scene, Damon and Elena begin to bodily struggle with one another again.  “Let go of me,”  Elena yelps, for the second time this hour.

Then, suddenly . . . they stop . . .

“Are you done?”  Damon asks breathily.

“Yes,” mutters Elena.

Elena tries to move away, but Damon blocks her path, moving in for a kiss AGAIN.  And . . . then she leaves . . .

When it’s all over, a saddened Stefan talks to a determined Damon across the tomb’s invisible magic divider.  Damon promises to get Stefan out.  And then Stefan asks for two more favors, which, if you know Kevin Williamson, and you’ve ever watched a little show called Dawson’s Creek, you know are going to result in BIG THINGS for Delena . . . and BAD THINGS for Stelena . . .

Pacey and Joey started out this way too . . .

Stefan asks Damon to (1) keep Elena away from the tomb; and (2) protect Elena, should anything happen to him.  Damon (as one Pacey Witter did YEARS before him) solemnly agrees to both, before exiting stage left.

A very glib Katherine then tells Stefan that he just made the biggest mistake of his life . . .

Dawson Leery agrees . . .

But Damon doesn’t think it’s a mistake at all . . .

See you next week, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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“A Rose by Any Other Name . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Rose”

Wow!  This has been a FABULOUS week for me and my favorite TV Relation “Ships.”  First, on Monday’s Gossip Girl, Chuck and Blair FINALLY put aside their differences (well . . . sort of), and engaged in a session of HOT HATE SEX . . .

 Then, tonight, on The Vampire Diaries, Damon FINALLY told Elena he loved her, and then proceeded to make the ultimate sacrifice for her: that of his own happiness.

This all just makes me SO HAPPY!  And you know what it makes me want to do?  It makes me want to DANCE!

But enough about ME, we’re here to talk about Elena .  . . and “Rose” . . .

The Rise and Fall of a Masked Avenger

When we last left Elena, she was being carted away by  . . . well . . . Whatever the Heck This is . . .

In the first few moments of the episode, Masked Avenger Dude reveals himself to be a rather furry man — one who bears a startling resemblance to This Guy . . .

Please, Carrot Top Doppelganger, put the mask BACK ON!

NotCarrotTop drives an unconscious Elena to a deserted field.  Once there, he parks his black van next to another one, completely identical to it.  When NotCarrotTop approaches the other vehicle, a voice from behind its half open window instructs him to transfer Elena from the trunk of the first car, into the backseat of the second.

NotCarrotTop, possibly under compulsion, performs the simple task, but is then moronic enough to ask The Voice if he requires any further assistance.  The Voice tells NotCarrotTop to come closer.  And NotCarrotTop, who has clearly NEVER read Little Red Riding Hood, as a child, complies . . . and dies.

With all the expedience of a patron at the drive thru at McDonald’s, The Voice (who we later learn is named “Trevor”) devours NotCarrotTop completely, without EVER HAVING TO OPEN HIS CAR DOOR!

Now THAT’S what I call “fast food.”  Can I, perhaps, interest you in a wet napkin for your face?

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Mini Gilbert has just learned that Elena never came home from the Masquerade Ball the night before.  He’s not worried though . . .

“Go ELENA!  Getting some nooky from STEFAN!  Wait a minute . . . did I just congratulate my sister on having sex?  Yuck!  Who the hell do I think I am, Aunt Jenna?”

Tyler’s a Tool (but he’s growing on us . . .)

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome (at least, I think that’s where they were – though it very well may have been Caroline’s house . . .), Damon and Caroline discuss what on earth could possibly possess our favorite Baby Vamp to cover for a very “toolish” Baby Were Tyler, after the latter killed Slutty Sarah, and went all Teen Wolf on her ass.

We start to suspect that Caroline has “caught the feelings” for Wolfman, when she admits to Damon that she “felt bad for him,” after he “murdered that Big Fat Whore innocent teenage girl.” And yet, what really gives it away, is when Miss Forbes describes the creepy Village of the Damned eyes that Tyler was sporting during the transition as, “bronze with flecks of gold highlights,” or something equally schmoopy.

“OMG Damon!  Werewolves are SO DREAMY!  I don’t know what’s hotter, their hairy backs, or their long yellow toenails . . .”

Having recently become a victim of LOOOOOOVE himself . . . (hint, hint, wink, wink) . . . Damon knows just how debilitating (and TOTALLY AWESOME) such feelings can be.  And so, he leaves Caroline with a little helpful advice. 

“He can’t know about us, Caroline.  A werewolf bite can kill a vampire!”

“Even if it’s just a hickey?”

At school for the first time in about four episodes (Seriously!  These kids NEVER go to class!  Where’s a truancy officer, when you need him?), Tyler is visibly shaken by the posters on the wall featuring a “Dead at the Bottom of Some Ravine Missing Slutty Amy,” as well as a makeshift memorial, situated in front of Slutty Sarah’s locker.  So upset is Tyler, that when he tries to open his locker, the latch breaks off in his hand.  (Don’t you just HATE when that happens?)

When Caroline runs into Tyler in the hallway, she offers him a few words of encouragement, but then gives him the slip, when he tries to question her about the events of the previous night.  Tyler runs into Caroline again, at the end of the day, outside the school bus.  But when she gives him the brush off a second time, he makes the mistake of getting a little grabby with her . . .

OK . . . this girl is officially too cool for words!

Having been beaten up by a girl, and, TOTALLY humiliated, “Mr. Superhuman Strength” Tyler decides to pick on someone his own size and strength . . . a poor defenseless trashcan . . .

“Hey, buddy, what gives?  Do I go throwing YOUR home around, everytime I have a Bad Day?”

When Caroline arrives back home, she is again accosted by Tyler, who has somehow managed to break into her home.  (Umm . . . how romantic?)

When Tyler tells Caroline that he suspects her of also being a werewolf, based on her insane strength and her general lack-of-freak-outedness over Tyler’s murderous tendencies, Caroline LAUGHS IN HIS FACE!  (Again, I LOVE THIS GIRL!)  Tyler responds by pushing Caroline up against a wall (KINKY!).  But Caroline gets the best of him a third time, by vamping out on his ass!

“I’m not a werewolf,”  Caroline explains calmly.

Perhaps, against her better judgment, Caroline eventually tells Tyler that she’s a vampire (not that anyone who’s ever seen True Blood or a Twilight movie wouldn’t already know that).  However, she is smart enough not to out Stefan or Damon in her confession.  Later Caroline and Tyler share a little liquor (Apparently, it helps with the whole “Supernatural Rage” thing), and discuss symptoms of their “otherness.”  For example, Tyler often gets hot . . .

But we already KNEW that. . .

 . . . and Caroline gets emotional . . .

We knew THAT too . . .

“You can’t tell anyone, Tyler.  No one will understand,” Caroline warns the Baby Were, more or less echoing Damon’s words from earlier in the episode (which, of course, she completely IGNORED).

“I have no one to tell,” Tyler admits dejectedly.  “Next full moon, I’m going to turn . . . and I’m scared.”

Then Tyler does something I NEVER thought I’d see him do . . . he cries.  So, Caroline pulls him in for a tender embrace, while whispering comforting words in his ear.  And it is the second sweetest thing I saw all episode.  (Of course, you all know what the FIRST one is . . .)  WAY TO GO, TEAM TAROLINE!

“It’s Elena.”

Damon Salvatore, you can make Crazy Eyes at me, any time you want!

Back at school, Jeremy, who still thinks Elena spent the night at Stefan’s congratulates him on a “job well done.”  Then he tells the broody vamp, that he might not have to keep covering for the couple, because Aunt Jenna seems so very cool with their loud boning, even when its underneath her own roof.  SERIOUSLY?  What is with these Gilberts and their inappropriate interest in one another’s sex lives?

“So, Stefan, what’s yours and Elena’s favorite sexual position?  Vampire Anna and I always really liked 69, but my sister always struck me as the ‘missionary’ type.”

Creeped outedness aside, Stefan is starting to seriously worry about Elena, because he KNOWS she wasn’t with him the night before.  In fact, they were “broken up” at the time.  So, Stefan decides to confront Damon about what really went down between him and Katherine, when he was supposedly locking her in the tomb . . .

“Hey, I heard about your little ‘Halloween Costume Trick.’  Not cool, Big Bro.  My hair does NOT look like that!”

“OK . . . maybe it does . . . but still . . . NOT COOL!”

Damon insists that he did shut Katherine up in that tomb, just as he promised.   However, he also recounts to Stefan, Katherine’s cryptic words about Elena being “in danger.”  “And you didn’t think to ask her, if she’d care to elaborate?”  Stefan snarks.

“It’s Katherine.  She lies all the time!  How was I supposed to know she was actually telling the truth, for once?”

Stefan, immediately, decides to reopen the tomb and interrogate Katherine as to why Elena might be in danger.  But Damon thinks that’s a TERRIBLE idea.   (And so do I . . .)

“Duh!”

“She’ll negotiate her release.  We’ll let her out.  And then she will have us all killed,” Damon argues, quite reasonably, I think.

But Stefan cares not for rational thought, “Its Elena,” he replies matter of factly.

At school, Stefan (Didn’t he drop out, last season?) asks Bonnie to do a spell to reopen Katherine’s tomb.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . because that turned out SO WELL last time.)

If you recall, it was the first opening of the tomb, that killed Bonnie’s Granny, and caused Bonnie to turn from Elena’s Sweet Gal Pal into Raging BWitch.  So, I thought for sure that when Stefan made this RUDE request of her, she would totally go all Firestarter on his ass . . .

But she didn’t.  Instead Bonnie merely offered an alternative solution.  And it was actually a good one! 

Using Jeremy’s blood . . .

“Stefan . . . Damon . . . it’s dinner time!  Come and get it!”

 .  . . Bonnie is somehow able to conjure up the captured Elena’s whereabouts on a map.  Sure, it causes Bonnie to get a bloody nose.  But what’s a little MORE blood among Hungry Vampires, right?

Of course, Scrappy Doo Gilbert wants to come along on Magical Journey to Rescue Elena #242.  But Papa Stefan, of course, says, “No.” 

“You can’t do this alone,” counters Jeremy.

Then Damon magically appears . . .

*Sigh!*

“He’s not,” responds Hot Stuff.

“You’re coming with me?”  Stefan inquires, surprised.

“It’s Elena,” responds one half of the Delena duo, echoing Stefan’s earlier words.

(BTW, did you guys know “Delena” was recently inducted into the Urban Dictionary?  How friggin cool is that?  GO TEAM!)

I smell a ROAD TRIP!

“Just a Taste”

Somewhere East of Eden (I’m serious!  I pretty sure “Eden” was the name of the town where Jeremy’s blood said Elena was taken . . .), “Trevor,” a.k.a. Eater of NotCarrotTop, who is looking mighty hunky, now that his face isn’t covered in blood and guts, carries Elena into a creepy ramshackle house, that is randomly covered in lit candles.  (Now, either someone is DESPERATELY trying to get laid here, or no one bothered to pay the electric bill.  Did I mention it’s BROAD DAYLIGHT outside?)

“This Mood Lighting is nice and all, but it’s kind of unnecessary . . .  All Stefan has to do, usually, is look at me, and I’m immediately down for a good screw!  Just ask Aunt Jenna.

Trevor then ties Elena up on the couch, and starts sniffing at her, like a dog in heat.

“Dude, you just ATE!  Stop being such a pig, or you’ll lose that girlish figure!”

“Just a taste,” promises Trevor, echoing the words of every failed dieter in the world!

Then, the titular “Rose” enters the room, and spoils all of Trevor’s fun.  “Trevor, control yourself,” Rose lectures sternly.

“Buzzkill,” mutters Trevor, like a petulant child.

Then, suddenly, although I honestly don’t recall her ever being untied, Elena is up and about, and chatting with Rose.

“How the heck did you get off that couch, Magic Lady?  I thought Trevor said he tied those ropes tight?  Idiot!  It just goes to show you, that just because someone eats boyscouts, doesn’t mean they can tie knots, like them.”

Just like everybody else on this show, Rose remarks about how much Elena looks Katherine.

 Well, they ARE played by the same person!  Duh!

But when Elena starts peppering Rose with annoying questions (“What do you want from me?”), Rose decides to pop her one, right in the mouth (“I want you to be quiet.”).

“Look!  I’m FLYING!  Whheeeeeeeee!”

The massive blow, knocks Elena unconscious.  But, of course, doesn’t leave so much of a scratch on that flawless face of hers.

I’m too pretty to bruise.  Bruising is for NORMAL (a.k.a. Ugly) People . . .”

Upon regaining consciousness, Elena overhears Rose and Trevor, talking about some dude named Elijah . . .

Not that one . . .

 . . . to whom they are offering Elena, in exchange for their own freedom from persecution.  A little later, Elena and Rose hold their own little Plot Explanation Pow Wow.  During this exchange, Rose tells Elena that only the blood of Katherine Petrova’s Doppelganger can break the Moonstone Curse that Katherine created.  Apparently, this Elijah is one of the Volturi from Twilight First Vampires . . .

 . . . who Katherine majorly screwed over, by starting the Moonstone Curse, about 500 years ago.  Then, Rose and Trevor (well . . . Trevor . . . but Rose surpervised) helped Katherine escape the Volturi First Vampires, and, in doing so, painted big targets on their backs.  Tired of running from Dakota Fanning (and who could blame them?), Rose and Trevor, hope to exchange Elena for a “reduced sentence” of some sort from the First Vampires.

So, Katherine was TOTALLY telling the truth, that night in the tomb.  Go figure!

Damn that Dakota Fanning!  She annoyed the crap out of me during War of the Worlds!  As soon as I get out of this Hidey Hole, B*tch is going down!”

(By the way, “Trevor” seemed like kind of a Mental Midget, during most of the episode, but I LOVED when he called Elena “Doppelicious.”  I may have to “borrow” that for future recaps . . .)

Bonnie gets more nose bleeds / uses a spell to pass Elena a note in class . . .

Thank you CW trailer for this VERY cheesy screencap.   I couldn’t have done it without you . . .

Back at the Gilbert home, in what was, for me, the only weak part of this AMAZING episode, Bonnie and Jeremy sat around making googly eyes at one another and playing with Bonnie’s Grimmore . . . Grinmore . . . Gremlin, whatever the heck she calls her spellbook.

“Hey, Mini Gilbert.  Since we are already in bed together, what do you say we try put that Sex Spell you seemed so excited about last week?”

During most of their scenes together this week, Bonnie is bitching to Jeremy about how she’s all alone at being a witch, and blah, blah, blah.  Likewise, Jeremy admits to being alone in his emo-ness.  I smell a LOVE CONNECTION! 

However, in a rare moment of NOT thinking about herself, Bonnie asks Jeremy for Elena’s hairbrush.  Apparently, Elena’s a dirty girl, who never cleans the hair out of her brush (I bet she clogs the heck out of the shower too!). 

But fear not!  This is GOOD NEWS!  There are enough luscious locks in Elena’s brush for Bonnie to perform a spell on a crumbled piece of notebook paper, causing it to burst into flames.  (Ummm . . . wouldn’t it have been easier to use a lighter, Firestarter?)

Although, just a few weeks back, Bonnie lit an entire PARKING LOT on fire, to get back at Damon for trying to kill a newly vamped out Caroline — burning this piece of paper is apparently too much for her.  It causes her to pass out, with more blood dripping from her nose.  Jeremy is understandably concerned, and rushes to touch her boobies get her some water . . .

But Bonnie ends up being fine.  And, more importantly, Elena, who is still locked away in that Creepy House with the Candles (Yet, she’s not tied up, which makes me wonder why she didn’t just walk out the door.), gets Bonnie’s message: “Stefan and Damon are coming for you.”

Road Trip Bonding

Kudos to my favorite vampire brothers for GENUINELY opening up to one another, during their little ride to Elena’s Rescue.  At first, they just made snarky small talk.  (“Boy, Alaric sure likes his weapons.”)  However, eventually, things got a lot more personal . . .

Initially, Damon seems reluctant to acknowledge the “roar of the Elephant in the room” (His terminology, not mine — Elephant are more whiny, than roar-y, don’t you think?)

“Whatever, Picky Recapper!  I’m a Vampire, not a Friggin Zoologist!”

However, Stefan seems surprisingly eager to talk about Damon’s love life, and specifically, his Big Bro’s desire to bone his “ex” girlfriend.  (Apparently, the Gilbert T.M.I. Syndrome must be contagious . . .)   “We both know [your going on this trip] has nothing to do with me . . .  You love [Elena], just as much as I do.”

Others (like Isobel and Katherine) have mentioned Damon’s love for Elena before, but never has he heard these words come out of his brother’s mouth.  It makes him uncomfortable.  “I can step out of this car, just like I stepped in,” remarks Damon defensively.

“That’s the beauty of it,” replies Stefan glibly.  “You can’t.”

Later, while Damon is chugging on his “juice box” of human blood, Stefan asks for a taste.  Damon looks skeptical.  So, Stefan comes clean about his gradual building up of a tolerance to human blood.  When Damon inquires as to where Stefan has been getting his daily fix, Stefan admits that it comes from Elena. 

“How romantic,” remarks a clearly jealous, Damon, undoubtedly recalling all the times when HE might have enjoyed a taste.

Like, for example, THIS one . . .

Eager not to fill his head with thoughts of his brother sucking on the woman he loves, Damon quickly changes the subject.  He opts instead to take a trip down memory lane.  “Remember when you were this Big Bad Vampire?”  Damon inquires.

“You mean more like you?”  Stefan retorts.

“Exactly . . . what happened to that guy?  He was a hoot!”

Stefan Salvatore:  A Real “Fun Guy!”

“I guess he found something else to live for,” remarks Stefan wisely.

(Hmmm . . . interesting . . . if Stefan used to be “just like Damon,” but he changed, due to finding a “higher purpose,” could Damon reform himself, as a result of his love for Elena?  And if he could, would we WANT him to?  After all, just like Rose admitted to Elena, when she talked of possibly being “set up” with Stefan, back in the day, I’m more of a sucker for the Bad Boy.  Always have been . . . always will be.)

Upon arriving at their destination, Damon is uncharacteristically cautious, warning Stefan that the vampires inside Creepy House with the Candles are over 500-years old and, therefore, VERY dangerous.  Is Stefan sure that he wants to do this?

“I can’t think of a better reason to die,” replies Stefan defiantly.

“Good line, Bro . . . INTENSE!  I’ll have to remember that one for later.”

Enter Elijah

Back in the Creepy House with the Candles, Trevor starts freaking out about the impending arrival of Evil Elijah. 

(Brief biblical note: In the Old Testament, Elijah is the guy that goes around to people’s houses during holidays, drinking their wine.  So, you’re always supposed to leave a place for him at the table . . . so he doesn’t drink YOURS.  Kind of a fitting name for a Thirsty Old Vampire, Don’t you think?)

“Hey Rose!  Great party!  Got anyone to drink?”

Elena must have developed a bit of Stockholm Syndrome, because she honestly seems to feel really bad for her captors, upon seeing the abject terror in their faces, when Elijah comes to the door.  Looking remarkably dapper in his expensive suit, and coiffed hairdo, Elijah walks around Creepy House with the Candles like he owns the place.  After twice promising Rose and her “pet,” Trevor, a pardon, in exchange for Elena, Elijah is introduced to Katherine’s doppelganger.  Upon smelling Elena (Seriously?  What’s with all these Sniffing, Vampires?  Just bite people.  It’s WAY sexier!), he confirms she is “human.”

Wisely, Elena makes a play for her own freedom, by offering to show Elijah where Katherine’s moonstone is, if he will let her go free.  But, Elijah’s no dummy either.  Ripping off Elena’s vervain necklace, Elijah compels Elena to tell him the moonstone’s whereabouts.  She does so helplessly, destroying her only bargaining chip, in the process.

Elena’s vulnerability to compulsion (something we have NEVER seen up to this point, as she has always been protected by vervain) will become important at the end of the episode.  It also confused me a bit, because I was certain that Elena, not only wore a vervain necklace, but also ate a steady diet of vervain, precisely to protect herself from this sort of thing. 

Well, if she hasn’t been eating vervain, I’m sure she will start now.  But if she has . . . could she have been FAKING?  I HOPE SO!  I HOPE SO!

Oh . . . and I almost forgot . . . Elijah totally decapitated Poor Trevor (though it’s honestly hard to call a maneater like that “poor”).  He did agree to let Rose live, however, which illustrates some moral principals on his part . . .

Suddenly, in a scene that harkened back to those cheesy CGI “fog and crow” scenes from the pilot episode, Damon and Stefan wisk themselves into Creepy House with the Candles, and start flying around the room at warp speed.  Stefan grabs Elena away from Elijah, and pushes her up against the wall, silently instructing her to be quiet.  Then Damon does the same thing to Rose.

Elena then pretends to willingly return to Elijah’s clutches.   And that’s when Alaric’s Arsenal of Crazy Vampire Weapons comes out to play.  There are Harpoons, and Balls of Fire, and Weird Guns that Shoot out Bolts of Light.  If Yoda was here, I would think I was watching a remake of Star Wars.

“The force is strong with you, Salvatores!”

Not much for Fancy Schmancy Weapons, the Old School Elijah, opts in stead for a good old fashioned stake, fashioned from the bannister of Creepy House with the Candles’ staircase, which he and Stefan have just tumbled down, during a rather energetic fight scene.  Damon likes old-fashioned weapons too.  And he sticks a MASSIVE PIECE OF BANNISTER right inside Elijah!

And, even though it was DAMON who dealt the final blow, it is into her “ex” boyfriend Stefan’s arms that Elena runs.  OUCH! 

To his credit, Damon is way cooler about the rejection than I would be.  He even manages to fake a smile at Elena, when she mouths her not-nearly-enough, under the circumstances, “Thank you,” to him, toward the end of the scene.

I know this is a picture of Angry Damon.  But, actually, I included it to show you what MY face looked like during the scene.  Damon WAS, as I said, smiling at the time . . .

Also, Elena told the boys not to kill Rose . . . See what I mean, about the “Stockholm Syndrome?” 

And yet, Rose, does in fact, seem to have good intentions at heart, when she approaches Stefan at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and offers to help him fend off the First Vampires, most notably, some dude called Klaus (who, anyone who read The Vampire Diaries books could tell you, is a Big Bad Guy.)  Apparently, Rose was good buds with Stefan’s now Dead-Dead pal Lexie, who, once upon a time, told Rose that Stefan was “one of the good ones.”  Now Sans Mental Midget Trevor, Rose also doesn’t want to be alone . . .

“I Needed My Brother.”

Not wanting to be alone . . . That was a real theme running throughout this episode, wasn’t it?  Think about it . . . loneliness was something shared by Tyler and Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy, Rose . . . and . . . well I guess she really IS alone now, isn’t she?  Loneliness also comes into play, during this important exchange between Stefan and Damon.

Stefan enters the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome to find Damon . . . drinking, of course.

Wouldn’t YOU be drinking, after a day like he had?

And it is in that moment that Stefan decides to say something to Damon that he has NEVER said in the whole 145 years they have been vampires together.  He is SORRY.  Stefan finally apologizes for making Damon turn vamp, all those years ago.  “I was selfish,” Stefan explains.  “I didn’t want to be alone.  I needed my brother.”

Of course, Damon is heartened by Stefan’s apology.  But it is his brother’s discussion of “selfishness” that inspires Damon to do what he does next . . .

“I Can’t Be Selfish With You.”

You know what was so amazing about this scene (aside from the obvious, of course)?  The way it so expertly tied together so many previous interactions between and Elena.  Damon’s appearance in Elena’s room, and genuinely selfless declaration of love, harkened back to the much more selfish and frantic bedroom declarations, he made, back during “The Return.” Also,  Damon’s withholding of Elena’s vervain necklace, harkened back to my FAVORITE Delena scene from season 1, during which Damon refuses to compel Elena, despite her handing that very same necklace to him, as a declaration of mutual trust and honesty.

Because I love the scene so very much, I’m going to embed it in its entirety, right here, for your viewing pleasure.  I just hope that the CW doesn’t take it off YouTube, before you get the chance to re-view it . . . So here goes:

Just in case you didn’t catch it all (or they removed the video), here’s EXACTLY what Damon said in his final speech to Elena:

“What I am about to say is . . . probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever said in my life . . . I just have to say it once.  You just need to hear it.  I love you Elena. And it’s because I love you that…. I can’t be selfish with you, and why you can’t know this.  I don’t deserve you.  But my brother does.  God, I wish you didn’t have to forget this.  But you do.”

(Oh, and he also told her she had cute P.J.s, :))

Obviously, there is so much about this scene that is open for debate, which is one of the many things I love about this show.  Was Elena really compelled, or had she faked it, as she has so many times in the past?  Her shocked expression at the end of the scene could really be interpreted either way . . .

Was Elena effected by Damon’s SELFLESS declaration of love, in a different way than she was by the SELFISH one, he made during the Season 2 premiere?  I think so! 

Watch the way she looks at him, while he speaks to her.  Observe the way her eyes close, when he chastely kisses her on the forehead, in contrast to the aggressive Face Rape he subjected her to in “The Return.”  Except, this time, it seemed like Elena was hoping that Damon WOULD kiss her on the lips . . . and that maybe, just maybe . . . if he had, she would have kissed back this time.

After all, this is the “Good Damon” that Elena saw beneath all of that darkness, during Season 1, and the one she thought was lost to her forever, in the beginning of Season 2.

Another question we might all be asking ourselves, is whether Damon is right in what he says?  Can he ever really deserve Elena, after what he did to Jeremy in “The Return?”  It’s interesting that when Damon utters the line “I don’t deserve you, Elena,” the lyrics to the song playing in the background say, “I was wrong.” 

(Is the song right, in what it says?  Is Damon “wrong” to give up Elena, when he loves her so deeply, because he feels that Stefan is who is “best” for her?)

Just some food for thought . . . 😉

Oh, and that Elijah guy . . . he ended up being Not-So-Much Dead, after all.  Go figure!

Thanks for making it all the way through this insanely LONG recap!  See you next week, TVD’ers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Do That Tomb Me, One More Time! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Masquerade”

Don’t you love it when our little Scooby Gang can put aside their differences, and come together to achieve a common goal?  I mean . . . think about it.  EVERYBODY played their part in Katherine’s destruction this week.  Alaric brought the weapons.  Bonnie set the trap.  Caroline led Kat into the trap.  The Salvatores kicked some Major Kat Ass, and Jeremy . . . well . . .  ummm . . .

 . . .  he looked really pretty!

So put on your party masks, everyone . . . it’s time to look back at how our favorite Scooby Crew turned a Mission Impossible into a Mission (mostly) Accomplished!

We ALL Need a Stiff One Sometimes . . .

ALARIC:  “My, what big WOOD you have, Damon!”

DAMON:  “The better to poke you with, My Dear Alaric.”  *does Eye Thing*

When the episode begins, Caroline is in DESPERATE need of a Stiff One.  And Damon kindly obliges . . .

“Phew, I really needed that.”

OK . . . I meant he gave her a DRINK . . . of blood . . . Get your mind out of the gutter!  (Damon’s a one-woman girl, now!  HE BELONGS TO ELENA!  DUH!)

That’s more like it!  (You’re welcome for the Shirtless Damon pic, by the way . . . they’ve been SO LACKING this season!  WTF Writers!)

Anyway, Caroline needed the Stiffy drink, because she had just had a run in with the EVIL KAT.  Apparently, Elena’s Much Cooler Twin Sister cornered the Baby Vamp, while she was skulking around Mystic Falls Only Bar / Social Establishment, and stalking her ex boyfriend, Zombie Matt.

“Must . . . eat . . . brains    be  . . . Random Plot Device   do . . . Katherine’s bidding.”

As per usual, Katherine wants Caroline to “deliver a message” to the Salvatore Detective Agency.  (What’s with all this getting your enemies to deliver your messages for you, Katherine?  Can’t you afford Fed Ex . . . or a good texting plan?)

“What do you MEAN, it’s going to take 3-to-5 business days to get there?  I eat customer service reps, like you for lunch!  No . . . really . . .I do.”

The “message” in question is that Katherine wants the Object-Formerly-Known as-Mason’s-Family-Jewels . . .

 (Sorry Wolfman!)

 . . . delivered to her that night, at Mystic Falls’ Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?)

(Seriously?  Aside from maybe the Hidey Hole Vamps, how many homeless people do you think actually live in Mystic Falls)

If the Brothers don’t deliver the Jewels to the Big Ball, THE TOWN WILL RAIN BLOOD!

“RAIN?  I didn’t even bring an umbrella!”

Caroline initially suggests that the Salvatore Detective Agency give Katherine what she wants so she will “GO AWAY!”

But Damon doesn’t PLAY that game!  “I’m not giving her my DICK again!”  He exclaims.

Would you, perhaps, consider giving it to ME, then?

Damon then states that HE plans to KILL Katherine (a revelation that would be truly shocking . . . if . . . say . . . you were stuck in an underground tomb somewhere, between this week and last, and, therefore, never saw any of the promos for this episode).  Then Stefan, ever the stereotypical little brother, states that he wants to kill Katherine, instead of Damon!

DAMON: “I’ll wrestle you for it.”

STEFAN:  “Fine . . . take off your shirt.”

Stupidity, Naivety, and, of course, more Uselessness . . .

After last week’s brief brush with plot importance, Aunt Jenna dutifully resumed Chronic Uselessness this week, when she was carried home by Matt, Elena, Alaric and Jeremy, after “accidentally stabbing herself in the abdomen with a knife.” 

(OK . . . could someone please tell me WHY these guys haven’t told Useless Aunt Jenna about the whole “Vampire Thing” yet?  Doesn’t her current status as the girlfriend of the male equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer earn her honorary admission into the Scooby Gang?  We all know she’s just going to keep “walking into the knives,” until she’s taught to do otherwise . . .)

Once alone, Jeremy asks Elena what she plans on doing about the whole “Kat Problem.”  And Elena, taking a page from the Useless Aunt Jenna Book of Problem Solving, replies, “Nothing.”

“I always knew I had all the brains in the family . . .”

Elena honestly believes that, because she broke up with Stefan she can FINALLY start screwing his Hot Brother Katherine will just ride off into the sunset on the coffin she rode in on.  “You are being a F*CKING MORON naive, and you know it!”  Jeremy scolds.

And with that, Mini Gilbert stalks off to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for yet another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation . . .

“I’ll Take ‘Weapons Commonly Used to Kill Vampires’ for $100, Alex”

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Alaric has quite literally opened up his Can of Vampire-Flavored Whup Ass on the rest of the Scooby Gang.  This guy’s got some phallic-shaped weapons that would make even Buffy blush!

DAMON:  “All that vampire slaying, and your hands are still silky smooth!  Do you mind my asking, what kind of moisturizer you use?”

Soon, Bonnie arrives with her . . .  to this day I can never figure out what they call that Witch Book of hers . . . Grimmore . . . Grin More . . . Gremlin? . . . whatever it is, she’s got a Big Book, and Stefan wants her to use it to help kill Katherine.

BONNIE:  “Do you want me to hit her on the head with it?  Because I could do that, you know . . .”

Stefan’s actual plan involves Bonnie performing a spell at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?) that will isolate Katherine from the rest of the party, so that the Brother Vamps can kill her in peace.  Then, Bonnie makes me like her character just a little bit more, by actually agreeing to the plan, without giving anyone a migraine . . .

 . . . or making a single Anti-Vampire comment, in the process.  (It’s a start . . .)

“As long as no one gets hurt,” Judgy Bonnie can’t help but scold.

(In hindsight, this was probably the funniest line in the whole episode.  Seriously!  Who didn’t get hurt at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?))

“Except for Katherine.  Tonight the Kat gets a stake through the heart,” concluded Damon (a line which undoubtedly scared the bejeesus out of all the cats,watching this episode . . . including mine . . . she’s a HUGE TVD fan!)

This isn’t her . . .

My Katherine, what a BIG WITCH you have!

Speaking of Katherine, it looks like she got herself a witch of her own.  And MAN is she TALL!  In fact, Witchy Lucy was SO tall, she made most of the cast look like miniature figurines!  After weeks of seeing the evil vamp threaten her adversaries, with sing-song one-liners and double entendres, it was nice to see Katherine with someone who (at least, at first) actually seemed like friend of hers.

When Lucy inquires as to why Katherine is straightening her hair, she replies conspiratorially, “I’m impersonating my dull as dishwater doppelganger, Elena.”

“She has terrible taste,” scoffs Katherine.

“Except in men!” Lucy replies.

When Katherine flirtatiously asks Lucy to be her “plus one” at the event, I couldn’t help but wonder if these two had ever “experimented” with eachother.  (Come on!  You just KNOW Katherine is the kind of girl who “swings both ways.”)

Everybody Rejects Elena . . . (for once in her life)

“WTF, guys!  You can’t engage in Scooby Games without ME!  You all LOVE ME, and I’m HOT!”

Back at the Gilbert house, Mopey Elena is being SUPER selfish!  She’s letting her breakup with Stefan get in the way of her going to a boozy party TO HELP THE HOMELESS!

She tries to get Zombie Matt to stay home with her (he used to LUUUUUUVVVV her, after all).  But Zombie Matt is on a suicidal mission . . . one which (shockingly) doesn’t involve Elena.  But when Elena finds out that Stefan AND Jeremy went to “help the homeless” too, she gets REALLY pissed!

“I’m glad he’s going,” says Useless Aunt Jenna, of Jeremy.  “He needs to lose the Emo Thing.”

(“Emo Thing,” Jenna?  COME ON!  That is SO Season 1!)

Ultimately, however, it’s Alaric that spills the beans about the Scooby Gang and their Ocean’s 11-esque plan to Kill the Kat, and Save the Elena!

“What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a good Spoiler!”

So Many Dicks, So Little Time . . .

Having watched the episode, I now see that the purpose of that seemingly random scene between Tyler and his mom, was to, more or less, foreshadow what happened to him at the end of the episode.  However, when I first watched it, I was pretty certain it was all about DICKS . . .

“Why so much ‘dick’?  You’ve got something against the word ‘weiner?'”

Tyler apologized for being a DICK . . . Tyler’s mom said Tyler’s dead dad could be a DICK sometimes . . . Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.  Between all these dicks, and the two Damon used in the opening scenes, I found myself sorely wishing I had created a drinking game around this word, before the episode began . . .

Slutty Amy Meets Her Maker . . .

As if the attempted murder of Useless Aunt Jenna, and the zombification / attempted murder of Matt weren’t enough of an indication, Katherine once again proved herself to be NO JOKE early on in the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?).  After a very sexy slow dance with Stefan, Katherine, angered by Stefan’s staunch refusal to give her the Moonstone right away, claimed the episode’s first victim, in a matter of minutes . . .

We barely knew thee, ya big WHORE!

Your dress is “GORG!” swoons Slutty Amy to Vampire Katherine, who she believes to be Elena.  Casting a final defiant look in Stefan’s direction, Katherine casually walks over to the well-meaning, but incredibly dim girl, and snaps her neck.

“OMG!  I can’t believe you just did that!  It makes me so . . . thirsty.”

And the Senseless Death Award goes to . .  .

  . . . wait . . . I already forgot her name . . .

Tyler gets some action (and his first taste of CGI Graphics . . .)

“Hey Matt, is that a murder weapon in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

So, here’s the question I have about this whole “compelling thing:”  When a subject is compelled to do something, how long does that suggestion last?  Is Jenna going to keep “accidentally walking into knives?”  Is Matt going to keep trying to get Tyler to kill him, even though Katherine is (at least, temporarily) out of the picture, and the reason for the mission has already been accomplished?

I only ask, because I noticed that, even though Katherine gave Matt the suggestion to provoke Tyler until Tyler killed him, last week, Katherine felt the need to compel him AGAIN, with the same suggestion, at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?). 

Perhaps, she was afraid viewers he would forget?

“God, you are HOT!  Now go away!”  Katherine told Matt, her message having been successfully re-delivered.

So, off went Matt, along with Slutty Sarah . . .

 . . . and Tyler into the “Forbidden Room” a.k.a. “Dad’s Study” to get wasted.  Once the trio is suitably hammered, Matt starts acting like . . . for lack of a better term . . . a TOTAL DICK . . .

Speaking of dicks (AGAIN!), Matt starts calling Tyler’s Dead Dad ONE.  (Talk about speaking ill of the dead, this is the second time this hour that the dearly departed Mayor has been called a part of the male anatomy.)  Matt then randomly pours a bottle of expensive liquor on the carpet, and smashes a picture of Tyler and his father to the ground.  “Remember when your Dad used to slap you around?”  Matt slurringly inquires.

“I’m not going to fight you,”  says Tyler, just as he does EVERYTIME he’s about to fight someone.

Then Matt starts to attack him . . .

The two “go at it” (wink, wink) for a little while, as Slutty Sarah watches with interest.   Then Caroline . . .

 . . . having just completed her Scooby Gang task (more on that, in a bit) . .  . hears the ruckus, using her super sensitive vampire ears.  Off rushes Baby Vamp to kick some ass, and take some names!

In minutes, Caroline has put herself in between the fighting boys.  With little effort at all, she knocks Matt unconscious to the ground.  He’s woozy and wasted, but alive. 

“That was ALL KINDS of hot, Caroline!  I’m stroking my pool stick, just thinking about it.”

Crisis averted . . . or so it seemed . . . but as we learned last week, Katherine always has a Plan B!   “Matt failed.  If Matt fails, I can’t,” utters Slutty Sarah robotically, as she lunges at Tyler with a very sharp letter opener.

“TYLER LOOK OUT!”  Caroline screams, from the floor next to Matt.

Caught off guard, a very freaked out Tyler knocks Slutty Sarah into his deceased father’s desk.  And Slutty Sarah, who, might I remind you, survived BEING PUSHED DOWN AN ENTIRE FLIGHT OF WOODEN STEPS, early on in the season, hits her head and dies instantly.

But, hey . . . at least her death wasn’t SENSELESS, like her friend Amy’s!  Caroline rushes to examine Slutty Sarah’s non-existent pulse, while Tyler hunches over in pain.  That’s when it happens.  Tyler’s eyes begin to bug out, werewolf style . . .

 . . . and THAT was how his curse was ACTIVATED!

After dropping Matt off in the car to “sleep it off,” Caroline returns to check on Tyler, who has broken the news of Slutty Sarah’s death to his mother.  Mommy Dearest takes it surprisingly well.  It kind of makes me wonder how much she knows about the Werewolf Curse, which both her husband, and now her son, have experienced firsthand.  “It was an accident,” she says calmly.  “We’ll take care of it.”

“I’ll deal with Matt,” Caroline says comfortingly to Tyler. 

“Why are you doing all this [for me]?”  Tyler inquires.   “I killed her.  She’s dead.  You have no idea what that means.”

“Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle DEAD!”

“Yes . . . I do,” replies the Undead Triple Homicide Veteran. 

Caroline then calls Tyler’s attention to his heretofore bloody wounds, now healed.  “How did you do that?”  Tyler asks, now staring at the sexy blonde intently.

(Hmmmmm . . .  well . . . Caroline and Tyler would be more interesting together than Caroline and Matt.  That’s for sure!  Just out of curiousity, how bizarre exactly do you think a vampire / werewolf lovechild would look, anyway?)

Here’s a good guess!

The Best Laid Plans

Back in Kill Kat Land, Stefan chastises himself for not killing Kat during the Memory Lane episode, when he had the chance.  Damon, always eager to best his brother, argues that this would NEVER happen to him.  “You loved her for over 140 years.  It could happen . . .”  Stefan warns.

“Whatever happens, I’ve got your back,” says Damon to his Baby Bro.  “Tonight, it [Kat’s Reign of Terror] ends.”

Meanwhile, Mr. I-Am-Incapable-of-Being-Single-and-Therefore-Will-Hit-On/Fall-in-Love-with ANYONE, Jeremy decides that this would be a great opportunity to put the moves on his Big Sister’s sort of/kind of best friend.

“Nice boobs, Bonnie!  Way nicer than Tyler’s .  . . a bit nicer than Anna’s . . . but not quite as nice as Vicki’s”

“You are 100% B*tch Witch.  That is so cool,” remarks Jeremy flirtatiously, as Bonnie puts the finishing touches on her Kathering Binding spell.

Surprise!  Surprise!  If Jeremy had witchy powers, he says he would use them to perform Sex Spells . . .

When did this episode of The Vampire Diaries become the movie Eyes Wide Shut?

[Being a witch] never ends well for people like me,” complains Bonnie morbidly. 

(Talk about KILLING THE MOOD, BONNIE!)

While the pair are talking, Bonnie gets a “feeling” (it’s called being horny) that she has to investigate . . .

The “feeling,” as it turns out, comes from Mini Gilbert fellow witch, Lucy . . .

The plan now set in motion, Jeremy finds Katherine and tells her to meet Stefan and Damon upstairs, where they will supposedly give her the Moonstone.  Next up is Caroline, who finds herself accosted by Katherine for the second time this episode.

“They are trying to kill you,” squeaks Caroline, as her head is pushed into a wall.

“Where’s Bonnie?”  Katherine wisely inquires to a “choked up” Caroline.

“She’s upstairs,” replies Caroline breathlessly.

Katherine drags Caroline upstairs.  Then, the Baby Vamp leads the Old as Sh*t Vamp to a guest bedroom.  Bonnie is not there.  But Stefan and Damon are.  And now, thanks to Bonnie’s spell, Katherine can’t leave!

“I DID IT!”  Caroline squeals with joy, practically jumping up and down at the thought of having bested the vampire who “killed her.”  “Goodbye Kat!”  She says, giving her a cute girly finger wave, before exiting stage left. (LOVE HER!)

While Katherine is distracted by Stefan and his little baby dagger, Damon approaches her from behind with his big BULL of a SHOTGUN! *wink wink*

But this . .. is when things start to go wrong . . .

Down on the ground below, Elena has crashed the party in plain clothes.  Apparently the Debbie Downer has come to pee on all the fun that is the Salvatore Detective Agency Feline Murder Plot . . .

Note:  When I first screencapped this scene from the trailer, I was POSITIVE that it featured Damon and Elena!  Imagine my disappointment to learn that it was Mini Gilbert instead . . .

You don’t need to do this for me,” remarks Little Miss Selfish to her brother, when she learns what the crew has planned in her absence.

“It’s not just about YOU!  NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!  She’s messed with all of us.   She has to be stopped!”  Jeremy explains.

Suddenly, a massive bullet wound appears on Elena’s stomach.

Elena doubles over, in pain!  Bonnie instantly realizes that Katherine’s witch, Lucy, linked the doppelgangers together, so that when Damon and Stefan hurt Katherine, they would also hurt the NEW love of BOTH of their lives, Elena.  Bonnie rushes to find Lucy, while Jeremy tends to Elena . . .

Meanwhile, the battle of Salvatore Brothers versus Katherine rages on!  And as my Blogger Pal Amy (not the Slutty Dead ONE from the show) remarked, it was SUPER KINKY!

There was tons of panting, grunting, thrusting and vamped-out posturing . . .

Phallic weapons were stroked, poked, and prodded into skin that bumped and grinded against other skin. 

There were big STICKS flying everywhere, penetrating EVERYTHING!

“EAT IT!  PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!  SWALLOW!”

At one point, Katherine straddled Stefan, while Damon approached her from behind, ready to “strike.”

It was AWESOME!

At that moment, Jeremy rushes in to tell the brothers that Katherine and Elena are linked, and that everything Damon and Stefan do to Katherine is also happening to Elena .  . .

Unable to fathom ever physically hurting the woman he has come to care for so deeply — even if it means losing to Katherine — Damon stops fighting immediately.  A worried expression instantly replaces the rage that had covered his face, just seconds before.

Talk about doing a complete 180!  NOW Katherine has begun hurting herself, as Damon and Stefan desperately try to STOP HER!

“Kiss me, Damon!  She’ll feel THAT too!”  Katherine taunts.

(GIRLS, HOW AWESOME WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF HE ACTUALLY DID IT?)

“What happened Damon, you used to be so polite?”  Katherine continues.

“That guy died a LONG time ago!”  Damon remarks shrewdly.

Like Isobel before her, Katherine instantly can see the extent to which Damon loves Elena, and how that effects Stefan.  She notes how both men are “worshipping at Elena’s alter,” when they used to worship at Katherine’s.

Stefan and Katherine then take a little trip down memory lane.  With Katherine remarking about how she has checked up on Stefan over the years, even going as far as to follow him to a Bon Jovi concert back in the 80’s.  (And you just KNOW Stefan had a  mullet back then!) 

Stefan, for his part, makes the connection between Werewolf George’s need for the moonstone back in 1864, and Katherine’s need for it now.

“You used the moonstone to bargain for your safety,” Stefan notes wisely.  “And you were already free, when we tried to save you.”  He recalls. 

“Yes, your obsession with me was very inconvenient, Damon,” Katherine scoffs.

“You and me both!”  Damon exclaims.

The old ball and chain . . .

Stefan wonders who Katherine has been running from all these years.  But Katherine refuses to answer.  And yet, something tellls me that the Salvatore Detective Agency are about to find out . . .

Meanwhile, Bonnie finds Lucy, who knows she has the Moonstone, and will only break the spell on Elena, if Bonnie gives it up.  Bonnie moves to fight Lucy, but stops, after hearing her say the words, “You can trust me.”

HUH?

In the following scene, Lucy arrives in the War Room, instantly breaking the binding curse on Katherine, and handing her the Moonstone.  But when Lucy hands Katherine the stone, Katherine falls to the ground seizing. 

“You should have told me the other witch involved was a Bennett,” remarks Lucy, as Katherine goes still.

Lucy informs the brothers that the curse is broken, and Elena will heal.   She then goes outside to Bonnie, and tells her the truth.  Lucy was only working for Katherine, because she had a debt that needed repayment.  Katherine had apparently saved her life once. 

But Bonnie is Lucy’s family, so she comes first.  Because Lucy is a Bennett witch too!

“Seeing you was a wake up call,” explains Lucy.  “I have got to stop letting vampires control my life.”

“I have so many questions,” says Bonnie.  “How do I stay out of all this[vampire sh*t]?”

“You are one of the good ones,” Lucy explains.   “Right in the middle is where you need to be.   It was nice meeting you.  You’ll see me again.”  The witch promises before disappearing into the woods.

Then Mini Gilbert MAGICALLY APPEARS .  . .

He gallantly offers the Little Witch a ride home.  Bonnie didn’t even know he had a drivers’ license!  “I’m not a kid anymore,” remarks Scrappy Doo.

Then, the future couple ride off  into the sunset, in Jeremy’s Super Fly Ride . . .

For reasons I didn’t quite understand (not that I’m complaining – Damon and Elena FOR THE WIN!) Elena stays broken up with Stefan, even though the purported reason for their breakup is now out of the picture.  When Stefan confronts her about her decision, Elena rattles off some nonsense about needing to “feel safe.” 

(Riiiight, because being single and alone, when you are a Magnet of Trouble, is WAY safer than having a kickass Body Guard Boyfriend who can snap your attackers’ necks, as easily as he can tie his shoes . . .) 

Umm Stefan?  I hate to be the one to break this to you, but . . .

 . . . quite possibly because she’s into him . . .

“MY TURN!  Cheers!”

(My sincere apologies to Stelena fans, who are undoubtedly cursing me underneath their breaths right now.  Really, I mean you no harm!  I like Stefan.  I DO!  I just like Damon MORE  But, even YOU have to admit, that Breakup Excuse was kind of lame . . .)

Speaking of Damon, he made the awesome decision to NOT kill Katherine, and instead, to lock her up the same tomb she SHOULD have been in all those years ago.  “Death would have been too kind,” growls Damon.  “The writers would also really like the opportunity to bring you back next year around Sweeps Week, and if you were Dead Dead, they couldn’t do that.”

“Elena’s in danger,” Katherine warns from inside the tomb.

“You lie.  You will always lie,” Damon seethes.

“Why do you think I never killed her, when I had the chance?  She’s my doppelganger.  She needs to be protected.”  Katherine adds convincingly.

“Then I’ll protect her,” Damon replies without a second thought, a few choice images, undoubtedly running through his head, and ours as he utters those powerful words  . . .

“And YOU will ROT IN HELL!”  Damon explains decisively, as he locks the tomb.

Damon pointedly ignores Katherine’s screams of “You need me,” as he walks off into the darkness . . .

As it turns out, Damon may have done well to listen a bit better to Kat, for once.  Because, in the final scene of the episode, as Elena walks alone to her car, she is kidnapped by THIS WEIRDO . . .

There you go, Elena.  Yet another Damsel in Distress moment for YOU!  So much for “BEING SAFE!”

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Never Cry Werewolf – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Plan B”

Believe it or not, this is a REAL movie poster, from an ACTUAL MOVIE, starring Nina Dobrev  . . . and . . . one very non- Taylor Kinney looking werewolf, who is in SERIOUS need of dental insurance.  The internet is a strange and wonderful place . . .

Holy crap!  Let me say that again . . . HOLY CRAP!  Could this show get ANY MORE INSANE?  I mean, I don’t think I’ve gasped or OMG’ed more in a single hour since . . . well . . . since the Season 1 Finale of The Vampire Diaries!  And to think, this episode was supposed to be the “tame one,” leading up to the TOTAL BLOODBATH that will be next week’s “Masquerade!”

But, before we begin our weekly recap, I would like everyone to please take a moment of silence for Mason’s Family Jewels.

After all, our “Big Scary Werewolf” ended up being nothing more than a “Poor Little Lovesick Puppy,” didn’t he?

We’ll miss you, Mason Lockwood . . . you Little Weiner, YOU!

So Much Hot Sex, So Little Time . . .

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, TVD writers, for giving me TWO sex scenes for the price of ONE . . . and all within the first five minutes of this episode.  Talk about EFFICIENCY!

Granted, NEITHER of these sex scenes were the “Damon and Elena” sex scene I’ve been hoping and praying for, every Thursday night, for 1.25 seasons now . . .

 . . . but they were still PRETTY DARN SPICY!

The episode opens with Elena “gazing” not “staring” at Stefan, in a state of post-coital / pre-coital bliss. (Vampires . . . they’ve got STAMINA!).  Still tingly from all the hot fangy loving, Elena still can’t help but worry a bit over whether Katherine will find out their Big Ole Fight, was a Big Ole Fake. 

Meanwhile, Katherine is whispering sweet nothings into a naked Mason’s Big Dog Ears.

“Give me you’re Big Jewels!  I want to grab and squeeze Jewels!  Let me fondle your Wolfy Jewels!”

Yes, boys and girls!  Our girl Katherine has a bit of a one-track mind, it seems.  But Mason, to his credit, doesn’t fall for Katherine’s Little Vampire Games . . . at least, not entirely. 

Despite Katherine’s promises to the contrary, Mason isn’t quite certain that he and the Evil One will live “Happily Ever After,” once he turns over the Moonstone.  In fact, Mason seems a bit concerned that, once he turns over his Fancy Family Jewels, Sexy Times with Katherine will be OVER, with a capital O . . .

 . . . and that would make him one SAD PUPPY.  (Not to mention, give him a WICKED case of these . . .)

As us wily TVD fan’s know, Mason’s right to be skeptical of Katherine’s true intentions.  After all,  she was the one that orchestrated the activation of Mason’s “werewolf curse” to begin with.  You know . . . by compelling that Carrot Top-looking guy to go all Crazy Insane-o on Mason’s ass . . .

SCARY!

So, rather than turn over his Family Jewels right away, Mason decides to . . . hide them in a tight cavernous hole, where the Sun Don’t Shine . . .

Ummm . . . I meant that vervain and snake-filled WELL . . . on the Lockwood Property.  You dirty-minded creatures, you!

And the Newest Recruit to the Salvatore Detective Agency is . . .

 . . . MINI GILBERT!  YAY!

Those of you (like me) who felt it was HIGH TIME that The Littlest Gilbert stopped mourning his Dead Vampire Girlfriends / getting the stuffing beaten out of him, and joined his sister’s Scooby Gang, got their wish this week.  The very brave (or incredibly stupid, depending on how you look at it) boy had precisely NO QUALMS about dropping by La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and paying a visit to the VERY SAME PERSON who actually killed him, during the Season 2 premiere . . .

Yes, go ahead.  By all means, complain that the above picture is inaccurate, because Damon was actually wearing a shirt, during this scene . . . I DARE YOU! 🙂

Using the knowledge he learned last week, during Sexy Times with Tyler, as leverage to gain acceptance into the Salvatore Detective Agency  . . .

 . . . Jeremy shares with Damon valuable information about both the “werewolf curse” and the Lockwood Family Jewels.  But Damon, being Damon, is much more interested in Elena.

Specifically, Damon wants to know if Elena thinks he’s sexy whether Elena knows what Jeremy is currently doing here at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  When Jeremy admits that Elena would NOT want her little brother playing with the likes of Naughty Bad Influence Damon, the Sexy Vampire snarks, “You’re a Gilbert.  You can’t help yourself . . . especially when it comes to ME.

Damon then allows Jeremy entrance into La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and, by extension the Scooby Gang.  (Just call him Scrappy Doo!)

“Mini Gilbert, reporting for duty, SIR!”

The Worst Kept Secret EVER reveals itself . . . TWICE

Over at the Lockwood Mansion, where seemingly EVERY snooty town-related event is held (What . . . no Mystic Falls Convention Center?), approximately half the TVD cast is prepping for next week’s MAJOR game-changing episode entitled “Masquerade the town’s annual Masquerade Ball.  There, Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

 . . . (who was surprisingly significantly less USELESS this week, and actually functioned as a MAJOR plot point) . . .

I know, crazy, right?

 . . . approaches Stefan about coming to the Gilbert house that evening for another rousing game of Pictionary Family Dinner.  In keeping up with his Fake Fight Story, Stefan tells Jenna, that he’d prefer not to come, because he and Elena are taking a “pause.”

PAUSE!

Useless Aunt Jenna then informs Stefan that . . . “That’s not what it sounded like last night.”

OK . . . am I the only one who would find the concept of my aunt / guardian telling my boyfriend how INSANELY LOUD he and I are when we screw, REALLY CREEPY?

“At least now I know what to buy Aunt Jenna for her birthday . . . earplugs . . . REALLY BIG earplugs.”

Oh, and while we are on the subject . . . Elena  . . .

YOU GO, GIRL!

Meanwhile, Bonnie  . . .

 . . . confronts Elena about the cold shoulder she has received from her former bud, ever since the Little Witch started being a BIG b*tch her whole “Vampire Hatred” kick . . . a habit that even extended to the Witch’s former Bestie, Caroline.

“You don’t want to talk to me anymore, Bonnie?  FINE!  But I am SO not letting you borrow my new lipstick!”

When Elena tells Bonnie that her fight with Stefan is a fake one, Bonnie admits that she had NO IDEA the two were even fighting.  *cough* bad friend *cough*  Although Bonnie is not quite ready to Re-Friend Caroline yet, she does seem amenable to making a go at things with Elena again . . . And, all I have to say, is it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME!

Vampy Mama Drama

 Speaking of Caroline, she’s been busy babysitting her vampire-despising Mommy, while the mother/daughter pair wait for the vervain to leave the latter’s system.   This way,  Mama Dearest can be brainwashed into forgetting how her vampire daughter “Did not Shoot the Sheriff, but definitely ATE the Deputy . . .”

At first, Mama Forbes wants nothing to do with her Undead Daughter.  However, as Caroline explains to her mother her new way of life, i.e. drinking blood bags, filched from hospitals, and sucking on the occasional bunny . . .

 . . . Mama Forbes begins to recognize what US fans have already known for about three episodes now . . . Namely, that Vampire Caroline is WAY COOLER, and MUCH LESS ANNOYING than human Caroline ever was!

It’s Time for Yet Another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon’s Bromantic Buddy, Alaric . . .

. . .  has arrived bearing a very nerdy box filled with snoozy information about werewolf lore.  Apparently, according to some lame Aztec Ritual, when it comes to Moonstones, only he (or she) who “made the curse, can break the curse.” 

 Wait . . . isn’t that kind of like, “Who smelt it, dealt it?”

 Ultimately, the Salvatore Detective Agency concludes that, if they want to get to Mason, they have to get his Family Jewels first.  This sounds like a job for . . . Tyler’s hot little lover MINI GILBERT.

When Elena and Stefan find out about Jeremy’s involvement in Damon’s grand plan, they are both majorly pissed.  Elena tells Jeremy not to trust Damon.  Stefan, for his part, gives Damon a Big Ole Bitch Slap . . .

 But these protestations are to no avail.  Scrappy Doo is already on the case!  And there’s nothing anybody can do about it!  (SO THERE!)

After talking to Tyler, Jeremy learns that the almost-wolf has already given Mason back his balls Family Jewels.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  So, the Salvatore Detective Agency decides to put in a pinch hitter, or should I say .  . .  a “witch hitter.”

Bonnie watches the porno in Mason’s Mind . . . and likes it!

When Little Witch Bonnie bumps into Mason, she is nearly bowled over by an exceedingly graphic image of the Wolf doing the horizontal mambo with, what appears to be, her best friend, Elena.

How’d YOU like to watch your best friend “do it?”

So, to show her Bestie just how “loyal” she is, Bonnie gets the brilliant (and by “brilliant” I mean “random and bizarre”) idea to rat Elena out to Stefan, who’s guts Bonnie just so happens to hate.

Fortunately, for Elena, Stefan immediately realizes that the vision Bonnie viewed in Mason’s head was NOT of Elena boinking the wolf, but of Katherine . . .

“You mean my EVIL GENIUS plan to break you two lovebirds up didn’t work?  Dammit!”

After a brief powwow, the Salvatore Detective Agency approach Bonnie and ask for her help.

Specifically, they want Bonnie to give Mason one of her trademark MASSIVE HEADACHES, in order to convince him to give up information about the Moonstone’s location.  Though initially skeptical of the plan, Bonnie ultimately agrees to help.  So, while Mason is incapacitated by a massive migraine, Salvatore Squared use the opportunity to knock him unsconscious, shove him their car, and drive him to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for an intense session of torture interrogation.

At “La Casa,” Bonnie does one of her Jedi Mind Tricks on an unconscious Mason, and finds out that he hid the Moonstone in that Aforementioned Very Special Place. 

Again, I mean . . .THE WELL!  (Will you stop it!)

Bonnie then texts that information to Stefan, who double times it there with Elena. 

After an awkward exchange, “former friends” Bonnie and Caroline decide to head to the well too, “just in case” Elena and Stefan need help . . .

“Hey, Judgy,” Damon calls after Bonnie, as she leaves the house.  “Thank you!”

(And that was the moment that all Bamon shippers simultaneously cheered the fact that Damon FINALLY has a pet name for Bonnie, which doesn’t include the word “witch” or anything that rhymes with it . . .)

All’s Well that Ends . . . Kinda Bloody and Gross

As Elena looks on nervously, Stefan lowers himself into the well.  He’s down there for all of a minute, when the vamp starts screaming like a little girl.  It turns out, Mason distrusted his “lover” Katherine, with his balls Family Jewels SO MUCH, that he filled the whole darn well with vervain!

Not a moment too soon, Bonnie and Caroline come to Elena’s rescue . . .

Quickly, the girls attach Elena to the well’s pulley system, and lower her into the well.  There she finds a VERY GORY looking Stefan, and sends him back up to land via pulley.  Now alone in the well, Elena finds a box containing Mason’s Family Jewels . . .

. . .  too bad it is covered in SNAKES!

All three girls scream like . . . well . . . like girls . .  . as they lift Elena to the surface, just seconds before she is turned into snake food.  Then, as a blood thirsty Caroline turns her head, and Bonnie looks on in horror, Elena cures Stefan’s ailments, once again, by feeding her his blood.

Farewell to Wolfy

While Stefan is busy slurping some Tasty Elena Soup, Damon and Jeremy are at La Casa playing Good Cop / Bad Cop (Bet you can’t guess, who’s who?) with a now conscious, but still chained-to-a-chair Mason.

That’s one HOT BAD Cop!

So, Damon starts poking Mason with his HUGE HARD, and VERY WARM stick, while peppering him with questions about Katherine and her true motives behind wanting the Moonstone.  Unfortunately, all that prodding only turns Mason on . . .

“Hit me Baby.  One more Time!”

 It doesn’t actually convince him to talk.  Fortunately, Scrappy Doo Jeremy has brought along wolfsbane, which is, apparently, the werewolf equivalent of vervain.  (Who said The Vampire Diaries isn’t educational?) 

So, Damon shoves the stuff down the poor dog’s throat.

“STOP!  You are ruining my DIET!  Wolfsbane is SO FATTENING!  What will become of my girlish figure?”

Ultimately, it is not the Big STICK, but the BIG PLANT that finally gets Mason to talk.  The problem is, for all his bluster, the Dude actually has VERY LITTLE to say.  He genuinely loves Katherine!  And he only wanted the Moonstone because SHE told him, it would free him of the werewolf curse. 

“Now, I get it!  You’re just STUPID!”  Damon exclaims.

DING!  DING!  DING!  That’s right, Damon!  Vanna, tell him what he’s won . .

“What can I say?  I’m a fool for love!  (I also have really nice abs . . .)”

Having finally convinced himself, that he had gotten all the information he could get out of Mason, Damon “benevolently” tells Jeremy that the little guy’s work for the Salvatore  Detective  Agency has been completed.   He can go home now

.  But Jeremy doesn’t want to go home.  He wants to stay and make sure Damon doesn’t convert “Stupid Mason” into doggie kibble.

Damon’s not too keen on insubordination amongst his employees.  And so, he gently reminds Jeremy what is expected of him . . .

“SERIOUSLY?  I can’t have ONE single episode, where I don’t get my ass kicked?  Just ONE!  That’s all I ask  . .”

“Suck it up or LEAVE!” Damon tells Jeremy, in no uncertain terms.

And . . . since Mini Gilbert has never been much of a SUCKER . . . he chooses the latter . . .

With Mini Gilbert gone, Damon turns his attention back to a now very frightened Mason.  “I look at you, and I see myself . . . only less dashing, and less intelligent,” Damon explains cordially.

Truer words were never spoken . . .

“I love her,” Mason wimpers pathetically. 

Damon’s face softens.  For a single moment, he looks at his captive, with pity and understanding.  “I’ve been where you are.  Katherine will rip your heart out.”

“Let me do it for her,” he concludes.

And then . . . Damon STABS MASON IN THE HEART, KILLING HIM, before wrapping him in a fancy Oriental Rug, like a Pig-in-a-Blanket . . . or, rather . . . a BIG FAT HOT DOG.

Who said romance was dead?

Thrilled with the rush of his kill, and high on vengeance, Damon then makes a decision he will literally regret forever.  (You see, that’s one of the downsides of immortality.  A complete inability to EVER escape from yourself.) 

After texting Tyler’s Mom from Mason’s phone, to explain Mason’s upcoming ETERNAL absence, Damon can’t resist calling up Katherine to gloat about her now-dead boyfriend.  As can be expected, Katherine does NOT take losing well . . .

“Awwww MAN!  Why didn’t I get to kill Old Yeller Mason ?  No FAIR!”

Yet, despite her OBVIOUS ire, Katherine manages to keep her cool on the phone.  “Do you honestly think I don’t have a Plan B?”  She inquires cooly.  “Send my love to Stefan,”  Katherine concludes, before hanging up the phone.

“We are SO screwed . . .”

While Damon and Stefan are fretting over Katherine’s cryptic words, Caroline is back in the dungeon, excitedly recounting for her mother, her recent adventures in “Well Rescue.”  To Caroline’s complete surprise, her mother TOTALLY shares in her excitement, fanginess and all.

“You’ve become such a strong and confident person,” says Liz Forbes, paying her daughter the first compliment the two have exchanged, since the series began.  “You don’t have to take my memories away.  Just tell them you compelled me . . . You can trust me.”

“I know I can trust you,” says Caroline tearfully.  “But you will never be able to trust them [Stefan and Damon],” she concludes.

Realizing that the vervain has now completely left her mother’s system, Caroline begins to compel her mother to forget the past few days, and believe, instead, that she has spent them home with the flu.  “And then everything went back to normal.  And I started to ignore you again,” finishes Caroline, thereby erasing ALL of the progress these two had made in their relationship throughout this ordeal.

Kind of sucks, right?

On a positive note, Caroline’s complete loyalty to Stefan and Damon show’s a good deal of growth and self-sacrifice, on her part.  Additionally, Caroline’s ability to bond with her mother, even for just a short while, demonstrates a maturity in Caroline we haven’t seen up to this point.  She’s going to be OK, that Baby Vamp!

Vampire Katherine’s Revenge

“I’ll get you my pretty, and you’re Useless Aunt Jenna TOO!”

Elena returns home to find Alaric and Useless Aunt Jenna still preparing dinner.  Elena relays her busy day to Alaric, while Jenna chats to SOMEONE on the phone.  Jenna then absentmindedly hands Elena the telephone, and walks away.

In that special sing-song voice utilized by all Super Villains when they are monologuing about their dastardly deeds, Katherine begins to explain to Elena how she KNOWS about her “fake breakup” with Stefan.  (And, honestly, who did those two think they were fooling?  They couldn’t even trick moronic Aunt Jenna into thinking they were broken up, for crying out loud!)

Speaking of Useless Aunt Jenna . . .  I’m about to feel momentarily guilty about ranking on her during all these episodes .  . .but . . .only momentarily  . .. of course.  I suspect I’ll be over it, by next week .  . . maybe earlier

You see, not only did Katherine realize what Elena was doing with Stefan, she also figured out that Elena was protecting her Aunt, by putting vervain in her perfume and her tea.  So Katherine, posing as Elena, convinced Aunt Jenna not to use all that “protection stuff,” thus making the woman her unwitting slave.

Sure enough, Elena twirls around to find Aunt Jenna stabbing herself in the chest with a carving knife.

Breakdowns and Breakups

I know this is probably an inappropriate time to bring this up, but  . . . Is it just me, or is Mini Gilbert looking ALL KINDS of hot, lately?

At the hospital, Jeremy comforts an inconsolate Elena, who feels completely responsible for what happened to Aunt Jenna.  (Auntie’s fine by the way . . . At least, for now.)  “It’s going to be OK,” Jeremy whispers in his Big Sister’s ear sweetly. 

“No . . . It’s not,” she says dejectedly.

“I don’t know how, but she is going to pay,” responds Mini Gilbert, with determination.

GO GET HER, SCRAPPY DOO!

Upon leaving the hospital, a still tearful Elena heads directly to La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  There, she finds Stefan, shaking and quietly crying by the fireplace. 

(By the way, kudos to both Nina and Paul for a remarkable job, on what was undoubtedly an extremely difficult scene.)

 

“Stefan, I’m so sorry,” whispers Elena, her face red and raw from crying.  “We were stupid sneaking around.  We did this.  Jenna is in the hospital.  Jeremy can be next.  This is because we didn’t listen to her.”

Stefan is full-on crying now.  “I know what you’re going to say,” he says softly.  “Please, don’t say it.”

“I’ve been so selfish, because I love you so much.  It’s over.  It has to be,” concludes Elena, before running from the room.

A distraught Damon stops Elena at the door. 

 Of course, Damon loves Elena.  Of course, he wants to be with her.  But, like many of us staunch Damon and Elena fans watching at home, Damon didn’t want this.   For things to end between Stefan and Elena, in this way, seems crueler somehow, than if they betrayed one another, or simply fell out of love.  Because this is the type of heartbreak you don’t move on from.  

And Damon . . . well . . . he feels partly responsible for what happened to his brother, and the woman of his dreams.

“When I rang Katherine up . . . I didn’t think that,” he fumbles, uncertain of how to continue.

“Damon, she won.  Katherine won,” replies Elena sadly, before closing the door.

Katherine’s Plan B

In a shocking final twist, we learn that Katherine needs a werewolf to make use of the Moonstone in the way she sees fit.  And so, without Mason as her pawn, Katherine is required to find another prospective werewolf to help complete her plan.  And that werewolf will be THIS GUY . . .

You guessed it . . . it’s Tyler.  But in order for Tyler to become a werewolf, he’s gotta commit murder.  And if Katherine has her way, he will kill . . . Big Ole Blue Eyes himself, Matt.

In the final moments of the episode, we see Katherine compelling a glazey eyed Matt (just as Damon compelled that now-dead Connor guy, and Katherine,  compelled that Carrot Top guy, before him) to pick a fight with Tyler, and not to back down until Tyler kills him.

First Aunt Jenna, now Matt . . . Oh my!

In most places, being clueless is a liability.   But, apparently, in Mystic Falls, it can be DEADLY . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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