KURT: “Here lies My Virginity, which you will be taking from me, about twenty minutes after the final credits roll on this episode.”
BLAINE: “That’s your Virginity? I didn’t expect it to look so . . . small.”
KURT: “If you don’t like it, I’d be more than happy to give it to Karofsky.”
BLAINE: “No . . . NO! It’s beautiful! I’ll take it!”
Talk about a JAM-PACKED Glee episode! This week’s installment featured, no less than TWELVE SONGS (I’m still not sure how they managed to squeeze a plot in there!), a Regionals Competition, a funeral, a Sue Sylvester knockout, and possibly one of the most eagerly anticipated makeout sessions this show has EVER SEEN!
So much drama . . . so much music . . . so much trouty mouth, and big ass . . . heart! We better get started now, or we will be here ALL NIGHT!
(Note: All the YouTube Videos with the words “pixtiny.com” on the bottom, are not fully embedded. So, just click on the internal links to view them. The rest of the videos I included should play directly from this site.)
Kurt . . . is . . . in MIS-ERY! (And there’s only one person who could comfort him.)
The episode begins at
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Dalton Academy, where the Warblers are, once again, bopping around their choir room awkwardly, like this . . .
(Seriously, these guys REALLY need to rethink their choreography!)
. . . while their fearless leader,
Harry Potter Blaine No-Last-Name-Yet, leads them in a rousing rendition of Maroon 5’s Misery, a song who’s original version has been in high rotation on my iPod FOREVER since it was released last summer. Misery is pretty much your basic run-of-the-mill Warbler fare. It doesn’t look or sound too different from When I Get You Alone or Bills, Bills, Bills or any other ditty we’ve heard come out of Blaine’s luscious lips, this season (more on THOSE later). But since I absolutely adore this song, they get a Free Pass on that from me . . .
Now, while I may have given the Warblers a Free Pass on Misery, Kurt most certainly did not. I actually gave a little standing ovation from my couch, when Young Hummel finally called out the love of his life for being the Rachel Berry of Dalton Academy. “Your solos are breathtaking . . . they are also . . . numerous. Sometimes I feel less like I’m part of the Warblers, and more like a backup singer for Blaine and the Pips,” Kurt snarks.
“Oh, NO you didn’t!”
Oh, yes, Mr. Schue! HE WENT THERE! And, can I just say, it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME! Blaine looked a bit shocked at being called out in this way. But, to his credit, he neither denied what Kurt said, nor issued any sort of rebuttal. In fact, he actually seemed fairly impressed that SOMEONE in his group would have the guts to say this to him . . .
But, alas, all is not well in
Hogwarts Dalton Land! Voldemort has arrived! The Warbler’s prized little mascot, Pavarotti, seems to have flapped his little yellow wings for the very last time . . .
“WTF Glee! You can’t kill me off, NOW! I was just two tweets away from getting my SAG card! Now I have to wait for them to make Angry Birds into a movie . . .
I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I did actually shed a tear or two for Pavarotti. This, when you think about it, is kind of ridiculous, considering the bird in question only actually appeared on-screen twice throughout the entire season. The rest of the time, he was nothing more than a yellow cotton ball in a Burberry-covered cage . . . And yet, Kurt has carried around that cage for half a season now! In fact, I’m pretty sure if there was a “Warbler Kurt” Doll, it would come with Pavarotti, as an accessory. So, when that little yellow cotton ball died, a part of Kurt died right along with it . . .
“I wish the Will Doll came with an accessory!”
Stricken with grief over the unexpected loss of Pavarotti, Kurt interrupts a Warbler song meeting, and requests that he be allowed to sing a song in the dead bird’s honor. The song he chooses is the Beatles’ “Blackbird.” Admittedly, this is a strange choice of song for two reasons: (1) Pavarotti was obviously not “black,” he was “yellow;” and (2) when it was originally written, the song “Blackbird” was meant to serve as a metaphor for the Civil Rights Movement, as opposed to being taken . . . um . . . literally. And yet, considering the alternatives, I think this was the best song choice Kurt could have made. Because if he had, instead, started belting out “Bye Bye Birdie” a la Sal Romano from Mad Men, THAT would have been super inappropriate . . .
And yet . . . at the same time . . . REALLY FUNNY!
Did I mention that Kurt showed up to sing his tweet-alicious solo, dressed like a cross between Elvis, Johnny Cash, and Christian Siriano from Project Runway?
Of course, the song was beautiful! As we learned from his rendition of “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” a few months back, Chris Colfer interprets Beatles songs like no other. But, for me, the most amazing thing about this number, was the way Blaine responded to it.
Most of us wait our entire lives to have someone look at us, with the kind of love and admiration that was on display here. I must admit, watching Blaine come to the realization that he was now, and had always been, totally and completely in love with Kurt, was enough to melt my snarky, cynical, and almost criminally unromantic heart . . .
Prepare to be awwwwwwwwww-ed!
Shortly thereafter, the Warblers’ hold their meeting regarding which two songs
Blaine they will perform at Regionals. At the meeting, Kurt shocks everyone, by suggesting that, instead of Blaine singing both songs all by himself (while the rest of the group does the Pee-Pee Dance behind him and hums) why not include . . . a duet?
Blaine then pipes in and suggests that he sing the duet with . . . Kurt.
The Warblers’ put it to a vote. And, since none of these Cute Musical Robots have been programmed to do anything aside from hum, do the pee-pee dance, and agree with everything Blaine says, they almost unanimously vote to let Blaine and Kurt du-et with eachother. . . (Get it? Du-et? Sounds like do . . . nevermind.)
BLAINE: “If Pavarotti the Animatronic Bird has had more speaking lines than you, this season, please raise your hand.”
While “practicing” for his duet with Blaine, Kurt gets up the courage to ask his soon-to-be-Boy-Toy, why he chose to sing the duet with him, rather than one of the older Warblers. Blaine then sits down next to Kurt, and looks intently at him, with those big brown teddy bear orbs of his. “There is a moment,” he begins, when you look at someone, and think, ‘Oh, there you are! I’ve been looking for you forever.’ Yesterday, when you sang Blackbird, that was a moment for me . . . about you.”
This is the second time, in a single hour, that Blaine managed to give me chills. The way that Blaine then bent over to kiss Kurt . . . the way Kurt gently, and then more aggressively, grabbed Blaine’s face with his right hand . . . the way the pair looked at one another in complete awe and wonderment, after it was over, before going back in for seconds . . . it was all . . . MAGICAL. There is just no other way to describe it . . .
WATCH! I dare you not to be moved . . .
BURT: “I bet you are glad I gave you that sex talk NOW, aren’t you, son? Now, give me back my PAMPHLETS!”
Meanwhile, back at McKinley High . . .
Rachel is the Only Berry on Her Family Tree (and Quinn is just a B*tch).
Rachel is still trying to write an original song about something that doesn’t involve head gear. Her second performance for Finn, is entitled “Only Child.” In it, Rachel decries the horror, of never being able to sleep in bunk beds, and being the “only Berry on her family tree.”
Yes, it was a LAME song. (I, for one, prefer “My Headband.”) And yet, as an only child, myself . . . I must say, I can relate! (I always REALLY wanted a bunk bed . . . before I learned how hard they are to climb to the top of, while inebriated. Thanks, College!)
While Finn is not-so-subtly telling Rachel, that this is “Strike Two” on the Original Song attempts, Quinn is watching from a distance, plotting a Massive Rachel Take Down of Mean Girls Proportions. After all, Quinn NEEDS TO BE PROM QUEEN! And she NEEDS FINN IN ORDER TO DO IT . . .
(Ughhh! Can someone please knock this ho-bag up, again? I’m tired of Evil Quinn, or, as Finn calls her, “Scary Quinn.” I want Insecure Baby Bump Quinn BACK!)
Careful, Quinn! This guy wanted to be Prom Queen too. And look what happened to HIM!
“Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” That’s the motto Quinn decides to live by, when she supports Rachel’s renewed request that New Directions perform original songs at Regionals. Quinn even offers to help Rachel come up with a new song!
Except, when the two do finally start to write, and Rachel asks Quinn whether she and Finn are back together, Quinn shows her true colors, by telling Rachel that she is not meant to be with Finn. Apparently, Quinn has given this A LOT of thought, because she then launches into this whole future scenario for Quinn and Finn. She becomes a real estate agent in Lima. Finn takes over Burt Hummel’s car repair business. And the pair live in town, raising lots of
not particularly intelligent Fuinn babies.
Hey, remember when Quinn dumped Puck, because she thought he was nothing more than a “Lima Loser,” and SHE wanted to leave town with Finn, so she could move on to Bigger and Better Things? NO? That’s OK. Apparently . . . neither does Quinn!
“Like most of the characters on this show, I have a rare disease, which prevents me from having any short term memory whatsoever, beyond the current episode. Remember Drew Barrymore’s character in 50 First Dates? I’m kind of like her.”
Upon hearing that she doesn’t fit in with the Finn, and the rest of the Lima Losers, Rachel runs out of the room crying, when she should really be jumping for joy . . .
“YAY for ME and my eventual meteoric rise to fame (and subsequent stint in rehab, at age 21)!”
Inspired by her sadness, Rachel rushes home to write a song for Regionals . . .
Meanwhile, back in the Choir Room . . .
Trouty Mouth? Big Ass Heart? HELL-TO THE NO!
“Back up off me or I’ll EAT YOUR FACE OFF with my Supposedly Mondo Mouth
which really isn’t that big, at all!”
Rachel isn’t the only Glee kid attempting to write an original song. Santana writes one herself, in an attempt to prove to Brittany that, after the latter rejected her for Artie, she is now “safely” back in the closet.
Except, the song that Santana chooses, while tauting itself as a “love song” to her “boyfriend,” actually has the unintended effect of proving just how attracted to boys Santana ISN’T. The song is called “Trouty Mouth.” And its lyrics, more or less, compare poor Sam’s lips to every kind of fish and slimy amphibian featured in a high school science book . . .
“Now, THAT’S offensive!”
For his original song, Puck serenades his lover girl Lauren with yet ANOTHER fat song.
“You’re DEAD, PUCKERMAN!”
Except, this time, he’s talking about Lauren’s heart . . . her Big ASS Heart. Admittedly, it’s a sweet song. The lyrics are REALLY clever. And Puck’s sultry singing voice, never fails to cause my panties to drop on the floor, every time I hear it. The only problem is that Lauren Zizes, DOESN’T have a Big Ass Heart . . . at least not from what we’ve seen, which makes this . . . just another thinly-veiled song about her large girth, after all.
But, hey! It’s Puck! And he’s hot! So, we forgive him!
“I get away with EVERYTHING!”
Then, Mercedes sings “Hell-To the NO!”
And it’s EXACTLY the kind of awesome song you would except this character to write and sing. No further explanation is required, really!
Brittany didn’t write an orignal song. But she informed us that her favorite song of all time is “My Headband” by diva songstress Rachel Berry. (Woah! Who’d have thought that Brittany, of all people, would be the character on the show with best memory for stuff that’s happened in past episodes.)
Finally, Will helps the Glee kids brainstorm a song idea based on their collective hatred for Sue Sylvester.
It’s entitled “Loser Like Me.”
It’s Regionals TIME!
The day has come for the New Directions, The Warblers, and Aural Intensity to perform at Regionals. They will be judged by Kathy Griffin, whose playing some sort of weird amalgamation of Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, and Michelle Bachmann. You’ve gotta love how Fox (a.k.a. Republican TV), by nature of Glee being one of its most successful shows, was forced to make fun of nearly all of it’s female mascots in a single hour of television! It’s just too bad Kathy G. wasn’t particularly funny in this role . . .
Also judging the competition is Loretta Devine, who appears to be playing some sort of take off on Whoopie Goldberg’s character from those old Sister Act movies. A cute idea . . . but . . . also not really funny.
Taking into consideration the seemingly “ultra-conservative” bent of the judges, Aural Intensity, led by none other than Sue Sylvester, perform the song, “Jesus is my Friend,” while holding hands, and morphing into the formation of various religious symbols.
Umm . . . yeah. I don’t have much to say about that.
We didn’t get to hear Aural Intensity’s second number, but I strongly suspect it was something off the Sister Act soundtrack . . .
Next up, are the Warblers. Kurt and Blaine perform a very sweet, and romantically charged, if not particularly energetic, rendition of Hey Monday’s “Candles.”
And then, because, apparently, the world would EXPLODE if the Warblers entered into a competition, wherein Blaine did not get AT LEAST one entire song to himself, Blaine sings Pink’s “Raise Your Glass,” another song in high rotation on my iPod. (Hey Blaine! Call me! We can swap mix tapes!)
As usual, Darren Criss does a nice job with this song. And yet, I kind of wish New Directions had sung it instead. The thing is . . . for me . . . the Warblers . . . with their Pee Pee Dances, and their Hogwarts Jackets . . . just seem a bit too straight-edge to properly convey the angsty “I Don’t Give a F*&k!” attitude of this Anthem to Outsiders. But don’t take my word for it . . .
New Directions are up last. For the first number, Rachel sings the song that Quinn’s evilness, and her unabiding
and inexplicable love for Finn have presumably inspired within her, “Get it Right.”
As she sings, Finn watches from backstage, and gives Rachel EXACTLY the same “I can’t live without you” look that Blaine gave Kurt earlier in the episode . . .
Don’t worry, Quinn. Knowing Finn (and Glee), Douche-Boy will be BACK in love with YOU again in two episodes, tops . . .
(Man this love triangle is getting annoying!)
I have to laugh when, about HALF WAY through this number, Kurt turns to Blaine and whispers, “Wow, they are doing Original Songs.” (Seriously? It took you THAT LONG to figure this out, Kurt? Sex with Blaine must be killing your BRAIN!)
“Where am I? Is this Sectionals? Why aren’t I on stage? I’m part of New Directions too! Aren’t I?”
The Glee kids’ second song is the Sue Sylvester-inspired “Loser Like Me,” which could more or less, be Glee‘s theme song . . . if the show actually had one. The number even features confetti-filled slushees, and lots of folks making the “L” sign on their foreheads . . .
Back in the audience, Kurt (who, just five minutes ago, DIDN”T EVEN KNOW thathis friends were performing “Original Songs”) magically has the foresight to pass out props that are completely appropriate for this particular musical number. Go figure!
“Hey Blaine, I plan to use this on you after the competition. Pretty kinky, right?”
After virtually no deliberation, and no explanation whatsoever as to which teams come in second and third . . . SURPRISE . . . New Directions wins Regionals!!!!
So, Sue punches out the Governor’s Wife on stage, because . . . oh, who the heck knows!
The episode ends with the New Directions hugging an ecstatic and tearful Rachel for her remarkable dual performance, while Kurt and Blaine bury Pavarotti, clasp hands, and walk off together into the sunset
to have hours and hours of hot monkey sex in Kurt’s bedroom . . .
And that’s what you missed, on Glee . . .
Next stop, NATIONALS! See you then, Gleeks!