Tag Archives: Schmidt

An Important Message from Future Nick Miller – A Recap of New Girl’s “Re-launch” and “Katie”

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Ah, New Girl.  There is so much to love about this show.  It’s got penis casts (and penis diapers?), random dancing, drinking games, references to Game of Thrones,and people shaking their asses at one another,  just because they can . . .

But really, for me at least, New Girl is about one man . . . THIS MAN . . .

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Nick Miller, you are the fictional love of my life . . . my Grumpy TV Boyfriend for life.  This is why, though plenty of other things happened, during the New Girl two-episode season premiere, most of this recap is going to be dedicated to you . . . and your turtle face.

Nick Miller’s Greatest Hits

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Here’s how I know, the writers of New Girl care about me as a fan.  Even before the opening credits rolled, we got to see both Nick and Schmidt in their mostly naked glory.  I mean, granted, penis cast diapers aren’t exactly the hottest male fashions of 2012 . . .

But hey, when a girl has gone an entire season without ANY Naked Nick and Schmidt in her life.  She’ll take what she can get.

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Did I mention that Nick Miller sings “Groove is in the Heart,” while in the shower, and has a terrible singing voice?

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You might not know this about me, but I also sing bad 90’s music, while in the shower.  And I too have an awful singing voice.  Now, that’s what I call kismet . . .

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Nick Miller feels your pain . . .

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You can tell how far Jess and the guys have come in their relationship, when she gets canned from her job . . .

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. .  . and they awkwardly rally around her, trying to cheer her up, as opposed to merely be annoyed at her, like they were, when she first moved in . . .

Nick, in particular, seems deeply affected by Jess’ loss.  It even causes him to develop an Eye Twitch . . .

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Though Jess initially claims to be OK with her new-found unemployment . . .

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Nick doesn’t buy it, and goes to great lengths to help her through this difficult time.  He compliments her beauty . . .

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 . . . and her artistic endeavors . . .

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He encourages her . . .

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He even dances for her.  (And Nick Miller doesn’t dance for just anybody.)

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And when Jess’ foray as “shot girl,” at Schmidt’s “Dangerous Penis Party” . . .

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. . . causes her to finally break down, and face her fears about being an out-of-work teacher . . .

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. . . it’s Nick who races off to find her, comfort her, and, of course, tell her she has a plywood ass . . .

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Nick Miller will help you get laid . . . but only if you want to get laid by guys named Bearclaw . . .

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While Schmidt is coping with the idea that Cece has moved on to an adorably average looking guy . . .

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Jess’ unemployed, off-the-grid mojo is off the charts.  This enables her to draw the attention of, not one, but both of Nick’s fellow bartenders, in addition to this really hot guy, who just so happens to think she’s a dancer named Katie, who he met on OK Cupid . . .

Given Jess’ recent hike in sex appeal, and Nick’s newly single status . . .

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Can you really blame the guy for “accidentally” giving Jess’ number to the goofy guy with a Bearclaw tattoo on his back, instead of his much less bear-like friend, in whom she was very obviously interested?

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Eventually, Jess’ identity thieving, two-timing ways, end up getting her busted in a bar bathroom.  And Nick gets a front row seat to her humiliation.  (Though, I guess, when you think about it, the whole thing is actually more impressive, than it is embarrassing.)

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One person who thought this feat was impressive, was actually Jess’ fellow bathroom humper Sam, who decided to continue engaging in mindblowing sex with Jess, despite the fact that she was a liar, who absolutely hated his favorite band, Creed.  Sorry, Nick!  Better luck, next Bearclaw . . .

Nick Miller will apologize to you for things he hasn’t even done yet!

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What would you do, if you had the opportunity to come face-to-face with your future self?

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What kinds of things would you ask him or her?

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And would you take future you’s advice, even if “future you” sort of / kind of seemed like a wackjob, who wore a tin foil hat, and “time traveled” in a cardboard box, while making weird beeping noises?

Nick did.  And it’s probably a testament to his obviously burgeoning feelings for Jess, that, despite the fact that Future Nick might well have been a total nutbar, Nick decided, at the end of the episode, to make his female roommate an old fashioned, and apologize to her for any harm he might cause her heart, in the near future . . .

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Yeah . . . that’s what us folks in the literary and media world like to call FORESHADOWING . . .

Don’t you, worry Nick Miller.  Something tells me you and Jess will be having sandwiches and sex together soon enough.  It should have been ME, dammit!

The question is just how badly are you going to inevitably screw it up?

Just so you know, Nick whatever awful things you might do in the future to Jessica Day, I’ll still love you . . .

Until next time, New Girl fans . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][fangirls forever]

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Jar of My Tears – A Recap of New Girl’s “Backslide”

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I actually find this really impressive, Nick.  My tears always evaporate or my face, or fall into my lap, before I can manage to put them in a jar. What you did takes real dedication!  (Now, go  take a shower, and get a haircut.)

Backsliding . . . falling off the wagon . . . relapsing . . . engaging in self-destructive behavior . . . being BAAAAAAAD.  We’ve all done it before.  And, I hate to say it, but we’re all going to do it again, sooner or later.  We’re human.  And it’s natural to fall back on bad habits, return to bad relationships, and make the same mistakes over and over again.

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Deep down we know it’s bad for us.  But it just feel soooooo good, when it’s happening, that sometimes, it’s just too hard to resist.

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That’s really what this episode of New Girl was about . . . all the bad decisions we make when we are lonely, horny, have had too much to drink, or are suffering from a broken penis heart.

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Let’s review shall we . . .

The River of Self Pity

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Poor Jess!  Dumping Russell sure brought out the emo chick in her . . . with her big glasses, and and her, make-you-wanna-slit-your-wrist depressing music, playing on endless loop throughout the night, and her being curled up in a ball in her pajamas making Pouty Face all day!  (See, Nick and Jess NEED to be together!  They even cope with breakups in the same ridiculously melodramatic way.)

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Question:  When you are the DUMPER in the relationship, do you earn the right to your Melodramatic Depression, in the way that the DUMPEE does?  I’m saying, if the DUMPEE didn’t like . . . cheat on you . . . or something.

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Because I’m going to go out on a limb, and say “no.”  I think when you find the courage to get out of a relationship, for no other reason than the fact that being in it doesn’t make you happy, you should be doing this . . .

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Or this . . .

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(Sadly, watching this clip made me realize that this is exactly how I look when I dance.)

 Not this . . .

This, I think, is why Jess’ roommates were a lot less supportive of her moping, than, perhaps, they would have been otherwise.  Take, for example, Winston’s “cheery” remarks about The Soundtrack of Jess’ Discontent . . .

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Or Schmidt’s remark when she finally turned off the music . . . “No . . . wait!  Turn it back on!  After 80 times, I finally get it!  It’s . . . A RIVER!”

Oh, but Nick was the worst offender by far!  Literally dancing your new-old girlfriend around in front of the girl who’s, not only nursing a broken heart, but, quite obviously  in love with you, is cold man . . . just cold.

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But hey!  It was YOUR obnoxious antics that finally managed to get Jess out of the house!  So, way to go, Nick I LOVE YOU! you sexy sneaky bastard you!

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“Take off your skis, and wait for your family in the lodge!”

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 Later, at That Random Bar Where Nick Works (which I’m starting to think is the New Girl equivalent of TVD’s Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) . . .

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Schmidt explains to Jess the dangers of “Backsliding,” and hides her Bunny-Shaped cell phone, so she doesn’t drunk dial Russell in a moment of weakness.  What Schmidt doesn’t count on, is Jess having a run-in with Nick Miller, Backslider Extraordinaire.  He explains that terrible, emotionally abusive, relationships CAN be magically turned into good and healthy ones!  It’s just a matter of timing . . .

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Don’t listen to him, Jess.  He doesn’t realize he’s madly in love with you yet. He knows not what he says!

But it’s too late.  The Seeds of Backslide have already been planted in Jess’ fertile mind . . .

Next thing you know, Jess has managed to retrieve her phone from Schmidt’s coat.  She makes That Call . . .

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But it’s not to who you think . . . She’s going to call Nick, right? Please let it be Nick.  Oh . . . wait . . . Nick is still in the bar.  Damn!

The Tale of the Slow Motion Sneeze 

So, you guys remember Paul?  You know, the guy who dressed like a gourd . . . and who Jess started dating during the Thanksgiving episode?  The one she had really bad sex with . . . who Nick was super jealous of hated . . . who broke up with Jess when he realized she didn’t love him yet . . . even though they’d only been dating for a few weeks, when it happened?  Yeah . . . he’s back.  That’s a wayyyy bigger backslide than returning Russell, don’t you think?

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Oh, and here’s another thing you probably didn’t know about Paul.  He’s a really ugly crier.  You know, kind of like this guy . . .

And this one . . .

Jess describes Paul’s crying as a cry-smile, and a “slow motion sneeze.”  In a moment, you will see why . . .

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Here’s my question.  Weren’t Jess and Paul only actually dating for a few weeks?  What the heck did she do to him to make him cry so much in that short amount of time?  Did she beat him repeatedly with sharp objects?  Did she try to extract his teeth from his mouth, while he was sleeping?  Because, I’m thinking this relationship had WAY worse problems than just bad sex, and rushed “I love yous.”  Just saying . . .

 Despite the obvious warning signs, Nick’s jumping headfirst into a repeat doomed-to-fail relationship with Caroline, seems to make Jess more determined than ever to couple up with Paul again.  She rushes to his classroom to tell him as much.  And it’s there that Paul reveals HIS deep dark secret . . . He has a serious girlfriend . . . one who kind of/sort of looks like an Asian-version of Jess .  . . complete with Minnie Mouse-style clothing, emo glasses, and some seriously thick bangs . . .

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Moral-to-a-fault, Jess initially seems determined to rat Paul out to her Asian Alter Ego.  But Paul ends up beating her to the punch.  And it’s at that moment that we learn that Asian Jess is also an incredibly Ugly Crier.  Clearly, this is a match made in adorkable Heaven.  Jess knows “true love” when she sees it except when it comes to her and Nick.  And she’s not about to let it pass by her ex . . .

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Jess even goes as far as to help Paul propose to her Asian self . . .  right there in the classroom . . . minutes after the chick found out she was cheated on.  It was the most awkward .  . . awful . . . proposal ever . . . and yet so very Paul.  Asian Jess said yes! Some kid in the class played here comes the bride on his clarinet .  . . It was beautiful.

OK . . . not really.  But it did cause Jess to have an epiphany about love, and why it’s important not to settle for a relationship that, deep down, you know, will fail.  When a relationship is right for you, you’ll know it, as soon as you’re in it!  (At least that’s how it works on TV!)

Jess rushes home.  She can’t wait to share her new wisdom with Nick so that she can stop him mid-backslide.  But will he listen?

“Summer’s Day is not a B*tch!”

 How very Clockwork Orange of you!

Speaking of jumping into things wayyyyy too fast, in the course of a single episode,  Nick has gone from seducing Caroline in his bedroom with incense and the song “Sentimental Reasons” to contemplating moving in with the chick . . .

Serious times call for serious measures.   So Winston and Schmidt stage an intervention, literally holding his eyes open, and forcing him to watch a video he made of himself, back during his last breakup with Caroline.  It was a dark time for Nick . . . He looked like Jesus . . .

 . . . if Jesus was a homeless crazy person.  He wouldn’t leave his couch.  And spent his days collecting his own tears, and writing Caroline poems . . . like this one . . .

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That’s beautiful, Nick!  Shakespeare couldn’t have said it better himself. 

Any sane person would have taken one look at the video, and gone running from that relationship, as fast as their legs could carry them.  But not Nick.  The allure of sandwiches, sex, and not being alone was just too powerful for him . . .

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He knows what he has to do . . .

In slightly less depressing news . . .

“Emotional intimacy turns you on?”

Cece decides to take Schmidt and his Broken Penis to the one place where he can’t possibly become aroused . . . an old age home.

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It’s there that Schmidt meets Cece’s Granny, who has something important to tell him about the state of their current relationship . . .

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But there’s just something about seeing Schmidt conversing with all these old people about how to make relationships work that warms the cockles of Cece’s heart.  (Personally, I’ve never really understood that phrase.  What the heck are “cockles,” anyway?  They sound dirty.)  She tells Schmidt that, for the first time in her life, she wants to be in a real relationship.  And she wants to be in one with him . . .

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Annnnnnnd then he screams in agony, and passes out from the pain.

Apparently, all this healthy, happy, talk of love and long-term relationships was just too much for poor Schmidt’s crooked knotted wizard staff of a weiner to take.

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Oh Schmidt.  You really are a woman, aren’t you?  Then again, that’s why we love you . . .

“Captain Black Sparrow.”

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Attention:  We interrupt this recap for a segment during which I do nothing but share gifs that make fun of Winston’s perpetually expanding in size, and increasingly ridiculous earring . . . (Thank, i-heart-vampire-series.tumblr for all the great Winston gifs below.)

 

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We now return to your regularly scheduled recap . . .

“You deserve love.”

Do you like a little romance, and unrequited angst with your comedy?

We’ve got some of that!  Things actually start out really promising.  It’s the end of the episode.  Jess has just had her epiphany about true love, and not having to settle for less.  She rushes to tell future soul mate Nick all about it, and finds him fresh out of the shower, looking all nakey and hot  . . .

It’s enough to get any girl flustered.  Fortunately, Jess has her speech pre-prepared.  And it’s a good one . . . complete with it’s very own Tom Waits impersonation.  (Though, to be honest.  I don’t know who Tom Waits is . . . never heard him speak . .. and thought she sounded more like the Cookie Monster.)    Jess tells Nick that he’s wrong about love and timing.  She tells him that when love is real, and right.  It’s right all the time.

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She tells him she loves him thinks he’s the best, and that he doesn’t have to settle.

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She says all the right things.  And she says them, while looking deeply into eyes and naked chest with such intensity and passion, that Nick can’t possibly do anything else but grab her  face and kiss her, right?

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Except he doesn’t . . . instead he tells her he signed the lease to move in with Caroline that morning.  And then . . . he just . . . leaves.

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But hey, it’s not over until Jess sings her final theme song of the season, right?  We’ve still got one more episode left!

Next week, in “See Ya,” the New Girl Season Finale, Jess and Nick almost get eaten by a coyote . . .

Horny the Coyote approves! 

Roll the clip, Maestro . . .

Until next time, New Girlians!

[juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Passion of the Jess – A Recap of New Girl’s “Tomatoes”

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Ahhh . . . Russell, a.k.a. the Fancyman . . .

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Ever since the character started dating Jess, a few weeks back, we all pretty much suspected that he wouldn’t be long for this series.

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(Well . . . almost all of us.)

I mean, sure, he seemed nice enough.  He had a good job . . . lots of cash.

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The dude had a real talent for shot-gunning beer, and playing True American.

He even had the Nick Miller Stamp of Approval, something neither of Jess’ previous beaus on the show managed to obtain.

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And yet, there was just something about Russell’s and Jess’ relationship that was . . . how do I put this kindly . . . REALLY, REALLY BORING.

Given that, it’s not surprising that many New Girl fans (Nick and Jess shippers, in particular) have spent the last few weeks trying to predict what Unforgivable Faux Pas would chime the death knell for this particular relationship.

Would Russell say the dreaded “I love you,” too early, like Paul?  Would he buy Jess a cactus, like Julia did for Nick?  Would he cheat on Jess, like Spencer?

As it turns out, Russell’s downfall was much simpler than that.  And it all boiled down to one simple word . . . passion.

Though difficult to describe, passion is a surprisingly easy thing to see.  Either you have it . . .

.  . . or you don’t.

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In essence, that was what “Tomatoes” was all about . . . passion . . .and tomatoes . . . and Schmidt’s weiner . . .

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Let’s review, shall we?

Sowing the Seeds of a Brighter Tomorow

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The episode began with Nick swearing off women . . . for approximately ten minutes . . . opting instead to shower affection on something a bit less likely to break his heart and/or get him convicted of statutory rape and/or get him a VD . . . namely, tomatoes.  Yes, Nick was very serious about his tomatoes this week . . .  so serious, in fact, that he even built them their very own scarecrow . . . which he subsequently murdered . . .

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(By the way, if Martin Scorcese ever actually directed a remake of The Wizard of Oz, it would totally win an Oscar . . . just sayin’.)

 . . . but that’s neither here nor there.

As a Prospective Parent of Tomatoes, Nick was a doting, if unorthodox, father . . . one who ascribed to the Alicia Silverstone School of Child Nourishment.

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I don’t know about you, but I personally always enjoy a little backwash in my salad.

Unfortunately, for Nick, his friends were being less than supportive of his new endeavor . . . well, except for Jess, of course . . . who, in a sense, functioned as the Working Tomato Mom, to Nick’s stay at home dad.

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“You like my personality?”

Meanwhile, Cece and Schmidt were busy trying desperately to pretend that they were “just not that into one another.”

Ultimately, this extended game of foreplay resulted in Schmidt boning Cece’s German roommate, Nadia, who admitted to liking his face so much, she wanted to “punch, punch, punch” it.

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It was a match made in Heaven . . . or Fight Club, whichever you prefer.

Violent tendencies aside, here are some other things you should know about Cece’s roommate, and the things she likes  . . . (just in case you have any interest in “sexing her in the face” later . . . or something)

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Did I mention that she’s a violent jungle predator in the sack . . . her vajayjay may actually have a right angle in it, and that she turned Schmidt’s weiner into a battered highway cone?

Now, THAT’S a scene I would have liked to have seen . . .

But hey, if it got these two crazy kids to finally admit their feelings for one another, it was all worth it, right?

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Speaking of love, sex, and MAN PAIN IN YOUR PANTS  . . .

“Even if it’s harder and hurts more.” 

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*giggle snort*  “She said she wants it harder . . . That’s dirty!”

After an awkward naked hug with Russell’s ex wife Ouli in the local gym sauna (Personally, I never understood those women  — usually older women — who walk around gym locker rooms just gleefully flaunting their “wares” for all to see.  What’s up with that?  Is body self-consciousness something that just dies when you hit middle age?)

. . .  Ouli’s boobs hypnotize Jess, causing her to invite her along on a dinner date with her and Russell.  When Jess tells her boys about what she’s done, Nick gets this secretly happy glint in his eyes, recognizing that there might actually be some trouble in Fancy Man Paradise.

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Oh honey, you aren’t fooling ANYONE!

Jess isn’t worried, though.  She has this situation under control.  She’s great at dealing with awkward situations . . . and by great, I mean she tap dances to the song “Surrender,” and sings off key, whenever people around her are fighting.

At the Mexican restaurant, Russell, who’s barely changed his facial expression once, the entire time he he’s been with Jess . . .

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 . . . suddenly looks like he wants to ravage Ouli right there on top of the Nacho basket, as the two fight about something ridiculous . . . like donkeys, or getting lost on vacation .  . . or Ouli’s uber annoying habit of lisping authentic Southern Spain style, whenever she speaks in Spanish.

“Threesome, anyone?”

Jess is horrified, and yet just a little bit turned on.  Suddenly, she’s determined to evoke in Erstwhile Boringman Russell, the sex stud she briefly witnessed over her dinner of fajitas, margaritas, and Ouli.  (And yes, it did inspire her tap dance and sing “Surrender” in public restaurant.  Poor girl.)  During a decidedly boring date, during which Jess graded papers, and Russell did . . . well, whatever, rich people do during their spare time . . .probably count their money, or something . . .

. . .  Jess tried desperately to get Russell passionate about HER.

She starts simple, by saying think, over and over again, accenting the “K.”  Then she squats, and does her scary pop out eye thing in his face.  But when she tries to ravage him, right there on the couch, she totally isn’t having it.  “You hurt my teeth, Jess,” he whines.

Long story short, Russell gets dumped for failing to bring the passion.  YAYYYYY!  WOO- HOO!  YIPPEE!  What a shame!

“I want what you have with Ouli . . . even if it’s harder and hurts more,” she explains dejectedly, as she leaves his death trap of a car . . .”

Hasta la vista, Rusty.  You weren’t the first of Jess’ Non-Nick boyfriends.  And, unfortunately, you probably won’t be the last, either . . .

Elsewhere, Nick is failing miserably at Plant Parenthood.  And he’s taking all his anger out on Winston . . . he of the nauseatingly sweet “healthy relationship” he just won’t shut up about.  I feel your pain, Nick.  Happy people are THE WORST, especially, happy people in relationships.  They should just go hang out on another planet from the rest of us, as far as I’m concerned.

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That said, you know what made ME happy?  The last scene of this episode.  (Well, second to last, if you count that post credits roll of Schmidt and Winston gluing store bought tomatoes on Nick’s poor dying plant . . . He really shouldn’t have murdered that scarecrow.)

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Jess returns to the apartment after her last date with Russell, feeling miserable, dejected, and angry at the world.  And just when she wants to curl up in a ball in her room and die, out pops Nick in his sexy blue boxers, and white tee.  The sound of old timey music, and the scent of nauseating incense waft out of his room . . . i.e. the telltale signs of a seduction scene orchestrated by a guy who, mentally and emotionally, never really left college.

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I’d like to tell you it was all planned for Jess, but it wasn’t.

Because standing next to Nick is Caroline, wearing the telltale flannel, and smelling like sex . . . Nick Sex.  Jess is in a very vulnerable place right now.  She’s lonely, jealous, and frustrated.  And there, standing in front of her is her roommate, who’s about to make the biggest mistake of his life . . . with someone who is not her.

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Nick, of course, knows none of this.  He’s just happy to be screwing a girl who’s old enough to drink.  And Jess’ angry accusations and judgments are irking him, as much as they are secretly turning him on.  What unfolds in the next two minutes, is the most intense, awkward,  sexy, ridiculous, booty-shaking, fight-until-you-almost kiss-but-don’t-actually-kiss-because-we’re-probably-saving-that-for-the-season-finale-or-something moment I have ever witnessed in my LOOOOONG television history.

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Seriously, the sexual tension between these two was emanating from my television screen in waves that were so strong, I might have become unintentionally impregnated by their sheer force.  Jess, you wanted true passion, that’s HARD and HURTS (hint, hint, wink, wink).  Well, you got it, honey!

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Now, if we could just get that spare guest star girlfriend out of the way . . .

Until next time, New Girlians!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Ten (and a Half) Things I Learned from This Week’s Episode of New Girl, Entitled “Normal”

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Who said television can’t be educational?

 This week on New Girl, Jess brought her new Silver Fox boyfriend, Russell, into the fold, by  letting him play with her Nick . . .

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Also, Winston got a new job.  And Schmidt  . . . um . . . got laid some more . . .

But this isn’t a recap.  It’s a “teaching post.”  So . . . let’s get down to learning, shall we?

(And don’t worry.  I promise there won’t be a quiz, afterwards . . .)

Lesson Number One: A corn holder (So, THAT’s what those things are called that hold your corn!  Clever!) can double as a Gentleman’s Shiv!  Talk about getting a good bang for your buck!

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Lesson Number Two:  Is your sink or toilet bowl acting up?  Just stick a bat in it.  And hit that bat with a frying pan.  Works like a charm!

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Yeah . . . because THAT doesn’t look phallic at all . . .

Speaking of phallic . . .

Lesson Number Three: Putting your balls in someone’s milkshake is apparently a “Guy Thing” that I wouldn’t understand . . .

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(possibly because I lack balls . . .

. . . and am occasionally lactose intolerant.)

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Lesson Number 3 and 1/2:  I guess I should probably take “typing” off of MY resume . . .

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What about “blogging,” guys?  Is that still cool?

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Wait . . . don’t answer that . . .

Lesson Number Four:  Nick has an Idea Book, which he really hopes no one will ever steal.  *clears throat, winks suggestively*

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Lesson Number Five: In other Nick Miller News – 1/8th Cherokee . . . who knew?

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He’s my TV Boyfriend.  I NEED to know these things, OK?

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Lesson Number Six: Apparently, there’s this amazing new drinking game out there called True American.  And now, I know how to play it.  (Actually, New Girl didn’t really teach me how to play this game.  But the lovely folks who took the time to write the rules down on Wikipedia did!)

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Lesson Number Seven:  This is REALLY the most surefire way to win True American.  (But it’s probably more fun for the loser than for you . . .)

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Of course, with any luck, you’ll be too drunk to care . . .

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Lesson Number Eight: When Kareem Abdul Jabbar fears for your life, you should be afraid .  . . VERY afraid.

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And NO, he will not let you sit on his shoulders . . . (no matter how politely you ask).

Lesson Number Nine:  This one is for all you guys out there.  I’m looking at YOU, Nick Miller.  If you want to be Jess’ lover, you have to get with her friends.  (And, yes, that IS a Spice Girls song.)

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And finally . . . (drumroll please)

Lesson Number Ten: Who needs Vacation Days, when you can have Sexcation ones?

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And there you have it . . . Ten and a Half things I learned from this week’s episode of New GirlWow . . . shortest . . . post . . . ever.

Consider yourself SCHOOLED!

Until next time, my fellow New Girlians!

 

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Pride and Prejud-Jess – An Animated Mini-cap of New Girl’s “Fancyman, Part 1”

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(I suspect Elizabeth Bennett would agree with this statement.)

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I tend not to recap sitcoms.  I just find it kind of difficult to say something uniquely “witty and amusing” about a show, whose main purpose is to be “witty and amusing.”  In short, sitcoms are usually funnier than I am.  And that makes me feel inferior . . .

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However, lately I’ve come to develop a bit of an obsession with television character, Nick Miller (MARRY ME, NICK MILLER!) the sitcom New Girl.  The show is surprisingly smart and quirky, in an oddly relatable way.  Every episode is chock full of compulsively quotable one liners.

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Also, the entire cast has great chemistry with one another.  And the relationships between the show’s main characters are captivating and fun to watch . . .

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OK . . . OK . . . So, maybe there is one relationship on the show in which I’m just a teensy weensy bit more invested than the others.  I’m a girl.  SUE ME!

Therefore, without further adieu, I proudly present to you a “recap” of this week’s episode of New Girl, in which I shameless mooch off the gif-making abilities of others, and include very little of my own original content. . . .

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Poor Nick!  He can’t get a new cell phone, because he weighs more than his credit score.  (By the way, I didn’t know the cell phone company actually checked your credit score.  This makes me feel a little violated.   It also makes me think that Nick would be great in those FreeCreditReport.Com commercials .  . . you know, the ones with the scruffy, but oddly hot guy, with the bad credit score, who lives with his mom, plays the banjo, and sometimes dresses up in a pirate costume . . .)

Nick’s misfortune is apparently a source of great amusement to the Good Folks at Verizon, who tease him mercilessly.  You know, because people who sell cell phones for a living are always Bastions of Conservative Spending.

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Personally, I’m not sure why Nick didn’t just buy one of those nifty prepaid cell phones at the local Quick-e-Mart.  But I guess that wouldn’t be very funny . . . unless, of course, the “Mart” in question was owned by Apu from The Simpsons . . .

While walking home from the cell phone store, Jess tries to cheer up Nick, by telling him the not having a cell phone might actually make him seem “cool” and “mysterious” . . .  like a Mole Person . . . or the Unibomber.

And hey, at least he will never have to worry about going over his text messaging limit!

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At this rate, Nick is going to have to invest in some genuinely ambitious carrier pigeons, if he wants to maintain his social life.  (Carrier pigeons don’t check credit scores.  Do they?  Remind me to ask the cast of Game of Thrones about this.  They owe me one.)

In a surprise show of Roommate Solidarity, Jess offers to throw out her phone too . . .

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But then, Nick reminds her that he gave his mom her number, in case of emergencies . . . a sure sign of budding love, if ever there was one . . .

OK, so now we know why Nick hates the rich and people who work at Verizon.  But what about Jess?  Well, it turns out, she had her own little “Lizzie Meets Mr. Darcy” Moment at school, earlier that day.

Just like their iconic literary predecessors, Jess’ first meeting with Russell, a father of one of her students, doesn’t exactly go well.  The fact that Jess was dressed like this certainly didn’t help matters . . .

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By the way, check out the board behind Jess’ head.  Ahh . . . if only I had Ms. Day as a teacher when I was eleven.  I would TOTALLY be writing letters to convicts, and checking my head for lice, instead of “engaging in intercourse,” while in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.  (What kind of hippy dippy school is this?)  Then again, when it comes to protecting your vegetables from STDs, I guess it’s never too early to learn  . . .

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As for single dad, Russell, he seems much less concerned with Jess’ Salad-Friendly take on sex education, than with her insistence on the students’ daily forays into artistic expression.  Apparently, he’s a bit concerned by his daughter, Sara’s decision to create this piece, entitled “A Trip to the Mall with Grandma.”

(Coincidentally, I have a piece just like this, hanging over my bed . . .)

Possibly worried that, in her next work of art, his daughter will substitute real human heads for baby doll ones, Russell angrily informs Jess that, from now on, Sara will be “opting out” of “artistic expression time,” and will, instead, engage in, “Solo Study Hall.”  Jess — who never met a baby doll head, or bloodied white glove, she didn’t like — is furious that Russell is squashing poor little Sara’s dreams of becoming a serial killer an installation artist.  When she complains to her principal, the latter warns her not to rock the boat, when it comes to Russell, who is apparently a Big Money Donor to the school.  In fact, according to the principal, Russell might pull his funding, if he is dissatisfied with the way his daughter is being educated.

Not one to be so easily swayed, Jess offers her principal alternatives to taking scholastic money from “The Man.”

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But the principal is not amused, and demands that Jess apologize to Russell Rich Guy for her behavior.  At the horns of a moral and ethical dilemma, Jess turns to her roommates for help.  Winston and Schmidt think she should suck it up and apologize, for the sake of her job.  But Nick is all, “Damn Mr. Fancyman.  Save the Empire!”

Jess decides to take Nick’s advice, because she’s secretly in love with him and stuff.  (Hey, no one said this recap wouldn’t be biased!)

On her way to meet Russell Rich guy, and give him a piece of her mind, she has Schmidt and Nick on the phone, for moral support.  With Nick chanting, “We ARE the 99 percent,” in her ear, she can’t lose . . . that is  . . . until her old clunker of a car breaks down, and Russell, himself, arrives to witness the embarrassment . . .

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“Weird Guy” Russell gallantly offers Jess his Bentley, so that she can drive home, without having to worry about bursting into flames by staying in her car . . . He does this, despite knowing absolutely nothing about her, aside from the fact that she often has men remove their condoms themselves, after intercourse, and lets his daughter draw decapitated heads during “Art Time.”  (Hey, no one said rich people were smart.)

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(I STILL do that!)

Though Jess initially rebuffs Russell’s offer, she eventually grudgingly accepts his help . . . the lure of a working automobile, being simply too enticing to pass up . . .

Later, back at the house, Jess admits to her bestie,  Cece, that she’s been invited to Russell Rich Guy’s Fancy Rich People Cook Out, but doesn’t want to attend.  Always one to offer the Tough Love, Cece chastizes Jess for being afraid of grown-up men, who might actually be capable of taking care of her, as opposed to the other way around.  (Wow, New Girl just got deep!)

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Meanwhile, in B-plot Land, Winston is feeling inferior, because he isn’t as good at triva as Schmidt.  And it’s making him look bad in front of his new girlfriend . . .

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When Schmidt’s repeated offers to “put on some Jodeci” to help set the mood, don’t help, Winston turns to the kid he sometimes babysits for, for help . . .

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But it turns out, even the kid is better at trivia than Winston.  So, this only makes him feel worse.  But then, everything kind of sorts itself out, when Winston’s girlfriend tells him that she loves him . . . wait for it . . . just the way he is . . .

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(My sentiments exactly, Schmidt.)

Back in A-plot Land, Jess takes Nick as her date to Russell Rich Guy’s cook out.  (Naturally!)  Remember in Pride and Prejudice, when Elizabeth Bennett visits Mr. Darcy’s estate, for the first time, and is initially totally put off by how ridiculously big and expensive everything looks.  (“He’s just so . . . rich.”)  But then she sees that massive bust of his head, and completely falls in love with all the wonderful things money that can buy?  Well, that’s kind of what happen to Jess and Nick, as they explore Russell’s mansion, completely unaccompanied.  (You’d think a guy like Russell could afford an alarm system . . . or at least some doors with locks.)

Though unimpressed by the “snooty island” in Russell’s kitchen, Nick is immediately captivated by Russell’s Sexy Mysterious Benefector in a Romance Novel Office . . .

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Jess is captivated too . . . by Russell, himself . . . Then again, maybe it’s just his eggrolls . . .

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However, she’s slightly less enthused by his Japanese bidet . . .

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  . . .  which does give her a “deep cleaning,” but not exactly in the way she might have intended . . .

Count on Jess to crank the bidet up to “Six Happy Faces,” when Three is all that is necessary to give one’s bum a solid washing . . .  Of course, it’s Russell to the rescue, once again . . . breaking into the bathroom at the last moment, to rescue his Damsel in Dist-Jess, like Batman, Ironman, or any of those other obnoxiously rich superheros out there . . .

Jess is grateful, but incredibly embarrassed, and wants out of La Casa de Ridiculously Wealthy,  ASAP.  But good ole, Nick has seen the light, and doesn’t want her to leave . . . thanks to a soulful conversation he recently had with, you guessed it, Russell McPerfect.  The latter walks in on Nick, in a bit of an awkward moment, but not quite the type of “awkward moment” you might expect . . .

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(Hmm . . . I wonder what kind of inanimate objects Russell Rich is sexually attracted to?  Stock certificates, perhaps?)

Russell somehow manages to tell the chronically underachieving Nick that he should “grow up,” without sounding snobby or condescending.  Russell also admits that he likes Jess a lot.  The admission touches Nick, so much, that he immediately becomes Team Jess and Russelll . . . (or, rather, the way I like to see it, Team Jess and Happiness . . . . because I refuse to believe that Nick would rather Jess be coupled with anyone but Nick, himself . . . were it not for his own current financial shortcomings).

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So, back in, Jess goes . . .  And for her courage, she’s rewarded with a dinner date invitation from Russell Rich  . . .  (If she plays her cards right, there may even be eggrolls involved, and/or cucumbers with condoms on top.)

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 She also gets to have a nice little dip in the koi pond . . .

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This time, it’s Nick who decides to come to Jess’ rescue . . .

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Unfortunately, Russell’s instructions regarding Chair Sweater Folding Techniques prevent him from being as effective a superhero as he otherwise might have been . .  .

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In Nick’s defense, the “President of Earth” is a busy guy.  And he can’t save every pretty girl that falls in the koi pond . . .

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Donald Trump, Mitt Romney, and Dr. Evil would definitely approve . . .

That’s all she wrote, folks.  Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][FangirlsForever]

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Filed under New Girl

My Ten New TV Boyfriends of 2011 . . .

As the New Year approaches, I suspect that many of you are taking this time to reflect on the year past.  Perhaps, you are even wondering how you might be able to improve your life in the upcoming year.

Meh!  Self-reflection is overrated, I say.  As for me?  I prefer to use this time to think back on all the hot new fictional TV characters I’ve met this past year, and decide which ones are worthy of being added to my ever-growing TV Boyfriend List . . .

Now, I’m the first to admit that, when it comes to TV Boyfriends, I tend to be a bit on the slutty side (sometimes “dating” as many as  twenty television characters at once) . . .

Nevertheless, making it onto my List is still a rather competitive process for prospective faux-beaus.  After all, I’ve watched A LOT of television, during my time on this planet.  As a result, there are characters on my List that have been getting into my increasingly crowded panties, since the late 90’s.  (I’m looking at you, Pacey Witter.)

So, if a TV character wants to date me, he better be pretty damn special.  Because, when it comes to fictional men, I’ve literally seen it all!

Nonetheless, 2011 ended up being a pretty great year for TV Boyfriends.  New additions to my List run the gamut from fairytale characters, to warlocks, to bartenders.  I even managed to squeeze a little person in there!

So, without further adieu, I proudly present to you (in no particular order) my Ten New TV Boyfriends of 2011 . . .

1. Wade Kinsella – Hart of Dixie

Who plays him: Wilson Bethel

Why we’re “dating”: 

Just like Hart of Dixie’s own Zoe Hart, I’m both a city girl, and a native East Coaster.  And whether or not we like to admit it, us East Coast girls can be a bit high strung.  We could really use a laidback, small town, southern guy to keep us grounded, and prevent us from “sweating the small stuff.”  Whether he’s playing video games, jamming on his guitar, or cooking up a prize-winning pot of gumbo, Wade is a guy who knows how to have a good time.

Wade is a man’s man, through and through.  He doesn’t put on airs, or stand on ceremony.   You can always count on him to be straight and honest with you, whether or not you necessarily want him to be.  He’s also quite the ladies’ man, not that this should be any surprise .  . .

And yet, Wade has a soft side too.  He cares about his family and his friends.  And he can always be counted on to lend a helping hand, when they really need him.  And as much as he might mess around with the local floozies, deep down, I think Wade is a one-woman man, as evidenced by his adorable, suffer-in-silence pining over one, Zoe Hart.

Moments when he won my heart:

*When he kissed Zoe to “calm her down” . . .

*When he sang Moon River with his drunken dad to get him down from a roof ledge . . .

*When he cooked a prize-winning gumbo pot for Zoe, but let her take all the credit for it . . .

*When he offered to drive Zoe to the airport, in a tacit admission that he had feelings for her . . .

*When he called out George for leading Zoe on, when the two spent the night in jail . . .

*When he told Zoe that she taught others how to be “amazing” . . .
For your consideration:

2. Nick Miller – New Girl

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Who plays him: Jake Johnson

Why we’re “dating”:

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There’s just something super endearing about a grumpy guy . . . especially when you are one of the few people that can make him smile.  Like many of us, Nick is still figuring some things out about his life.  He’s a smart guy, and a law school graduate, but he isn’t quite sure what career path he wants to take.  He’s a “relationship guy,” but he just got out of a devastating relationship, and might not be quite ready to fall in love again . . .

However, Nick doesn’t let these shortcomings detract from who he is as a person.  If anything, his self-deprecating sense of humor, and good-humored, if slightly sarcastic, take on life makes him more relatable and approachable.  This is likely why most of the roommates in the house go to Nick first for advice.  And yet, as wise and grounded as Nick can be,  he’s not afraid to let his adorkable flag fly, when it’s warranted, or when his friends need a good laugh.

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As a friend, Nick’s a pretty considerate guy . . . one who almost always puts his friends needs before his own.   And even though he can tend to be a bit jealous sometimes, he never lets that get in the way of his friendships.  Oh, and I almost forgot, like Wade, Nick is a bit of a “piner.”  And the way he looks at Jess, when he thinks nobody is watching will most definitely turn you to mush. . .

Moments when he won my heart:

* When he convinced his roommates to leave a hot party, so that they could all serenade a recently stood up Jess . . .

*The way he looked at Jess, the first time he saw her in a dress . . .

*When he “fixed” the house soap dispenser, by attaching a wooden spoon to it . . .

*When he got super jealous of Jess and Paul, but still followed them to the back of the shopping line on Black Friday, so they wouldn’t be left out . . .

*When his feet pointed at Jess, wherever she went (a sure sign of attraction, if ever there was one) 😉 . . .

*When he missed Christmas with his parents to bring Jess to Candy Cane Lane, so that she could see the “pretty lights” . . .

For your consideration:

3.  Derek Hale – Teen Wolf

Who plays him: Tyler Hoechlin

Why we’re “dating”:

Derek Hale really is the best of both worlds.  He’s dark and dangerous . . . yet highly moral, loyal, and fiercely protective of those he cares about.  He’s masculine and tough, yet sensitive and vulnerable.  He’s got a bit of a temper, but he’s also surprisingly funny, and an exceptionally patient teacher.  He’s kind of a loner.  And yet he’s no stranger to “pack mentality.”  He can be cold and aloof sometimes, yet warm and caring other times.

Though Derek’s been hurt and betrayed in the past by those he loved, this hasn’t stopped him from caring about others, and looking out for their best interest.  Derek is the kind of boyfriend, who would always make you feel safe and protected, but would never be too clingy or overbearing.  He’d always be there for you, when you needed him, but would be willing to give you space when you didn’t.  I mean, so what if he sometimes gets hairy, and howls at the moon?  We all have our idiosyncrasies!

And have you SEEN this guy’s body?  It’s genuinely mesmerizing . . .

Moments when he won my heart:

*Every time he rescued damsel-in-distress Scott from certain doom . . .

*His sexy homoerotic “locker press” with Jackson . . .

*His surprising show of vulnerability with Kate, and when he found his sister’s corpse . . .

*His hilarious exchanges with Stiles, most notably, that one time Stiles tried to “pimp” him out to his gay friend . . .

*When he did pull ups half-naked, in his ramshackle house . . . (THANK YOU MTV!)

For your consideration:

4. Sheriff Graham / The Huntsman – Once Upon a Time

Who plays him: Jaime Dornan

Why we’re “dating”:

Having literally had his heart crushed by an evil queen, Sheriff Graham may not have been long for TV land, but he will most certainly live happily ever after in our hearts.  An animal lover, with expert aim (which can come in VERY handy, if you catch my drift), plenty of energy in the sack, and a high tolerance for liquor, this hard working public servant will most certainly be keeping you warm and happy during those long cold nights in Storybrooke.  Did I mention he has an adorable accent, and a sexy voice that will make you go weak at the knees every time he opens his mouth?

But lest you think my relationship with the Sheriff is just superficial, I can also tell you that, despite what he might tell you to the contrary, Sheriff Graham has a good heart.   He’s a hero, a protector, and a savior of those in need.  Plus, despite his murky past, and dubious history, he’s managed to stay surprisingly innocent.  There’s an almost childlike quality about him that’s quite refreshing.  Perhaps, that comes from spending so many years inside a children’s book . . .

Moments when he won my heart:

*When he drunkenly kissed Emma for the first time . . .

*When he (as the Huntsman) beat up some barmen for talking smack about wolves . . .

*When he (as the Huntsman) was brought to tears by Snow White’s letter, and ultimately spared her life . . .

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*When he sat with young Henry and learned about his history in Fairytale World . . .

*When he finally got up the courage to dump the Mayor’s ass . . .

*When he lovingly kissed Emma for the second time, just moments before his heart . . . turned to dust.

*Anytime he wore those super tight pants . . .

For your consideration:

5. Tyrion Lannister – Game of Thrones

Who plays him: Peter Dinklage

Why we’re dating:

This may seem like an odd choice to some.  But hey, I’m only 5’3”.  So, height has never really been an issue for me.  (Also, I hate wearing high heels . . .)  Though I despise most of his family members (which means we could probably never marry), Tyrion himself is a terrific catch, in my eyes.  He’s exceptionally smart, amazingly resourceful, exceedingly wealthy, uproariously funny, honest almost to a fault, and surprisingly honorable.

Though he comes from a very powerful family, Tyrion is most certainly not a snob.  In fact, he often acts as a champion for the weak and less fortunate.  Though not necessarily the most able-bodied of the bunch, Tyrion can use his intelligence and wit to get himself out of even the stickiest of situations.  And he knows how to get what he wants.

On top of that, Tyrion is a blast to hang out with.  He drinks like a fish, curses like a sailor, screws like an Adonis, and always has a joke or hilarious story handy, when the party is getting too stale.  In a world that is dark, bleak, and filled with war, Tyrion never takes himself or the situations in which he finds himself too seriously.  Optimistic, fun-loving, and good-natured, this is exactly the kind of guy, you want on your side, especially when “winter is coming” . . .

Moments when he won my heart:

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* When he helped the newly crippled Bran come to terms with his paralysis . .  .

*When he told the story of his first love . . .

*When he confessed to ALL of his sins, in front of the Moon Door . . .

*When he won a fierce deadly battle, despite being unconscious for most of it . . .

*When he proved that at least one Lannister, does, in fact, always pay his debts . . .

For your consideration:

6. Schmidt – New Girl

Who plays him: Max Greenfield

Why we’re “dating”:

Sure, he owns a Douchebag Jar, sometimes wears women’s kimonos, and gets a bit persnickety about his cooking, but, rest assured, if you are hanging out with Schmidt, you’re going to be having a great time.  You will also be laughing a lot . . . sometimes with him . . . sometimes at him.  A notorious ladies man, who’s clearly very comfortable with his sexuality, Schmidt feels just as comfortable being “one of the girls,” as he does being “one of the guys.”  Whether he’s at a baby shower, a wedding, or playing Sexy Santa at the office Christmas function, Schmidt is always sure to be the life of the party.  He’s also an impeccable dresser, with great hair.  So, if you are ever in need of fashion tips, he’s your guy.  (Just don’t let him choose your perfume . . .)

As if all that wasn’t enough, Schmidt is also super sweet and an unabashed romantic . . . when he’s not being douchey, that is!

Moments when he won my heart:

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*When he watched Curly Sue with Jess . . .

*When he singlehandedly saved a baby shower, by getting everybody (except for the mother-to-be) completely wasted . . .

*When, at the same party, he drank out of a giant baby bottle . . .

*When he admitted to not liking to sleep alone . . .

*When he saved Thanksgiving Dinner . . .

*When he played Sexy Santa at the Office Christmas Party . . .

*When he bought Cece her own personal perfume.  (Regardless of how bad it smelled, it’s the thought that counts, PEOPLE!)

*When he made this dating video . . .

For your consideration:

7. Owen Sleater – Boardwalk Empire

Who plays him: Charlie Cox

Why we’re “dating”:

Every girl wants a bad boy.  And Owen Sleater’s as bad as they come.  A hit man, and professional “enforcer,” Owen has no qualms about stealing, committing murder, or sleeping with another man’s betroved.  Don’t let his sweet smile, boyish good looks, and adorable accent fool you.  Owen is a very dangerous man.  He’s strong, smart, incredibly resourceful, and can be very manipulative when he wants to be.

But Owen Sleater can also be a true gentleman, one who sweeps ladies off of their feet, with his incredible acts of kindness, declarations of adoration, shameless flirtation, and calm, self-assured nature.  Owen might have a criminal’s brain, and a killer’s body, but he has a lover’s heart, and deep down, I think, a good soul.  Like many of the men on this list, Owen is a caretaker, and a protector.  And he’s going to make one lucky lady very happy some day . . . if he doesn’t get himself killed first . . .

Moments when he won my heart:

*His surprisingly awkward, and adorably cute, early flirtations with Margaret . . .

*His surprisingly friendly standoff at gunpoint with Richard Harrow . . .

*The sexy, and brilliant way he explained the inner workings of the explosives he was making to blow up Mickey’s liquor distillery . . .

*How he told Margaret that he was hers to “command” . . .

*The way he always looks at Margaret . . .

*The fierce growl he let out, when he finally had his way with Margaret . . .

*The look on his face, when he found out Emily was diagnosed with polio . . .

*The way he helped Margaret fix Emily’s leg braces . . .

*The solemn, and slightly sad, look on his face, as he acted as a witness to Margaret’s and Nucky’s wedding . . .

For your consideration:

8. Charles Meade – The Secret Circle

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Who plays him: Gale Harold

Why we’re dating:

If Owen Sleater is a “bad boy,” Charles Meade is arguably an “evil man.”  When he ignited the fire that killed his supposed long-time friend Amelia Blake, in the pilot episode of The Secret Circle, I got chills.  When he used a crystal to turn Jane Blake into a Stepford Wife / zombie in more recent episodes, I gasped.  Charles is an incredibly powerful warlock, one that will stop at nothing to get what he wants.  The fact that his motives for doing the things he does are, as of yet, not entirely clear, make him even more frightening . . . and intriguing.

That said, people are not all good, or all bad.  Most tend to reside within the shades of grey, and Charles Meade is no exception.  We’ve seen this man experience extreme guilt, and even have an emotional breakdown, as a result of his part in the accidental death of Nick Armstrong.  We’ve also seen him show love and concern for his daughter Diana, and affection for his longtime friend and fellow coven-mate Dawn.

Aside from all that, there’s just something about Charles Meade that makes me think that he lives by a rather rigid moral code.  He seems to truly believe that the things he’s doing are in service of the greater good.  Many times he’s even expressed disapproval toward Dawn, when she behaved particularly rashly, or hurt someone he felt didn’t need to be hurt.  This evidence leads me to believe that Charles Meade’s motives might be more benevolent than many viewers assume them to be . . .

Besides, there are plenty of perks to dating a sexy, strong, mysterious warlock.  I mean, when you think about it, the possibilities are absolutely endless . . .

Moments when he won my heart:

*When he broke down, following Nick’s death . . .

*Anytime he uses his sexy, eargasmic, spell-casting voice . . .

*During his flirtations with Dawn . . .

*During his father/daughter moments with Diana . . .

For your consideration: 

9. Prince Charming / James – Once Upon a Time

Who plays him: Joshua Dallas

 Why we are “dating”:

There’s a reason the phrase “Prince Charming” has come to embody the Ideal Man.  He’s strong, heroic, debonair, dashing, incredibly handsome, and, let’s not forget, how his KISSES SAVE LIVES!  And yet, admittedly, in children’s books, I always found the character of Prince Charming to be kind of wooden, and woefully personality-free.  Fortunately, in Once Upon a Time, the writers have managed to come up with a character who actually lives up to his name . . .

Unlike the traditional, born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-his-mouth fairytale prince, our Prince Charming lived most of his life as a poor, sheep herder, in a remote town.  He worked hard, took care of his mother, who he loved dearly, and expected very little out of life.  In this new world post-recession world of 99%ers, where most of us “have-nots” deeply resent the “haves,” the fact that Prince Charming came from humble beginnings, and can, therefore appreciate the riches bestowed on him in later life is deeply refreshing.

And if that didn’t make him loveable enough, Prince Charming is also a dragon slayer, who put his life at risk to save an entire kingdom, and gave up his happiness to save his own mother’s life, when he agreed to marry a woman he did not love.  But what really makes Prince Charming an excellent TV Boyfriend is the way he behaves around Snow White.  With a disarming smile, sharp wit, and adorable banter, both Prince Charming and his Storybrooke counterpart James managed to bust through this slightly jaded woman’s firm walls and found his way deep into her heart.

Prince Charming literally lights up whenever he sees or speaks to Snow White.  And yet, there relationship isn’t cliched or cheesy.  They are both very strong willed, head strong, and slightly snarky individuals, who have fought hard for everything they have, and are inherently skeptical of those for whom things come easy.  There’s is the kind of love for which everybody secretly wishes . . . the kind of love that makes you believe in fairytales . . .

And who doesn’t want a little fairytale in their lives, every now and then?

Moments when he won my heart:

*When he rescued his knights, and singlehandedly slayed a dragon, without any battle training whatsoever . . .

*During his heartfelt goodbye to his mother . . .

*When he “captured” Snow White . . .

*When he flirted with Snow White . . .

*When he helped Snow White battle the trolls . . .

*When (in Storybrooke), he came to Snow White / Mary Margaret’s school to declare his love for her . .  .

*When he lost his own life (in fairytale land) to save his wife, and baby Emma . . .

*Everytime he said “I’ll always find you,” to Snow White . . .

For your consideration:

10. Matty McKibben – Awkward

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Who plays him: Beau Mirchoff

Why we are “dating”:

Sometimes in our lives, we are looking to find our Prince Charming, and have our fairytale.  Other times, we’d much rather date someone normal, with flaws, insecurities, and imperfections . . . someone like us.  What’s so great about Matty McKibben is that he’s so incredibly real.   Way too often television shows make teenagers act and look like people in their late twenties.  But Matty McKibben is a genuine high school guy . . . a guy who most likely reminds you of someone you went to high school with, crushed on, and maybe even were lucky enough to date . . .

In the pilot episode of Awkward, Matty is depicted as your typical popular high school jock.  He’s good looking.  He’s athletic.  He goes to the best parties, and dates the prettiest girls.  He has sex with Jenna Hamilton that first time, more on impulse than, as a result of any sort of strong feeling he has for her.  And he keeps their relationship a secret, because it’s easier that way, considering the fact that they come from different social circles.

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And in a typical high school drama, that would pretty much be the end of the story.  The “Jenna” character would inevitably find out that the “Matty” character is shallow, and using her for sex, so she would leave him for a “nicer” guy.  But real life isn’t that simple, and, fortunately, neither is this show.  As the series progresses, we get to know more about Matty McKibben.  What we learn is that he’s actually pretty good guy . . . someone who’s loyal to his friends, to the point of being willing to give up love for their sake . . . someone who truly cares about Jenna, and tries to do right by her, in the best way that he knows how.

Throughout the series, we watch Matty learn from his relationship with Jenna, and grow from a seemingly dimwitted and shallow jock, to a surprisingly smart and thoughtful boyfriend.  And in the end, when Jenna chooses the “nice guy,” our heart can’t help but break a bit for Matty, who, as it turns out, is  actually pretty “nice,” himself . . . not to mention, smokin’ hot.

Moments when he won my heart:

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*When he drove Jenna home from the football game on her birthday, and helped her toss out her not-so-lucky socks . . .

*When he finally told Jenna he wanted to make their relationship official . . .

*When he took Jenna to his parents’ restaurant on their first official date . . .

*When he bonded with Jenna’s friends, and gave them guy advice . . .

*The mixture of jealousy and friendly sympathy he showed, when he learned about his best friend, Jake’s feelings for Jenna . . .

*When we found out about the sweet way Matty planned to “ask” Jenna to formal . . .

*The resigned look of heartbreak and devastation on Matty’s face at Winter Formal, following Jenna’s tacit rejection . . .

For your consideration:

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(Sorry, MTV is surprisingly stingy, about allowing scenes from Awkward to exist on YouTube.  So, this was the best I could do.  That said, you could watch the entire series on MTV.com!)

And there you have it . . . my Ten New TV Boyfriends of 2011.  So, who’s on YOUR list?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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