Greetings, Werebangers! After last week’s game-changer of an episode, this week’s Teen Wolf shifted its focus away from Derek’s wolf pack, and towards its much scalier counterpart. As a result, “Frenemy” was by far the “lizardiest” ((and, yes, I did just make up that word) episode to-date . . . Keep this up, and we may have to change the series’ name to Teen Kanaima . . .
OK . . . so, you guys are all my friends right, Werebangers? Good, because I’ve got a confession to make. If any of you give me a sex tape with you in it, and tell me not to watch it, I’m SOOOO WATCHING IT, ANYWAY.
I don’t care who you are . . . gay, straight, fat, skinny, animal, vegetable, mineral. Curiosity will eventually kill the Recapper, and I’ll get to see your junk on the small screen. Sorry, if that makes me a crappy friend. But I’d counter that it also makes me human.
The fact that Danny didn’t watch is undoubtedly admirable. And yet, arguably, also unrealistic . . .
I don’t know, Danny. For someone who claims he didn’t watch the video, you sure look a heck of a lot like you’re watching it . . .
Anywhoo, Danny drops the unwatched Paranormal Activity Porn tape off in the trunk of a car, as instructed, and heads out to a nearby nightclub with his conscience clear. Meanwhile . . .
For all you comic book geeks out there, who just love pitting your favorite superheroes and villains against one another, to see how they’d fare in a fight, this opening sequence was definitely for you. Kanaima . . . versus . . . Alpha. BRING IT ON!
Who sent out e-vites to this battle? It’s like a supernatural flash mob!
Now, of all of these aforementioned warriors, you would think that Grandpa Argent . . . a.k.a. Mr. “I Cut Bodies In Half for Fun” would be the most bloodthirsty. But, oddly enough, that’s not the case. Instead, Not-John McCain and Lizard Thingy just stand around eye f*&king one another, until Scott intervenes, and cock blocks them both. Weird . . .
And just like that, the “Second Kanaima” / Master “Friend” of Kanaima betting pool just got one person larger . . .
Elsewhere, in Mushy Gushy Feelings Land . . .
. . . Allison informs Lydia that the reason she can’t tell her why the Really Hot Guy, and his three high-school age minions stalked her /seemed to want her dead is because . . . wait for it . . . she just LOOOOOOOOVES Scott too much.
. . . that is until that pesky Lizard Thingy has to harsh on Stiles’ game, by literally eliminating all his prospective suitors from the picture. (Well, that’s ONE way to get your man.)
Danny, who had just recently been making his ex-boyfriend VERY jealous, by grinding up against a hot piece of A, is now down for the count. See, Danny? That’s what you get for NOT watching sex tapes. You brought this on yourself . . .
Oh, and Derek’s at the club too now.
I don’t know, Derek. If you want to impress the gay guys, I’d probably go with a look that’s a bit more . . . natural . . .
And, suddenly, Jackson’s outside the club . . . back in human form . . . naked.
My straight-girl Gay Guy Fantasy is now complete. Well . . . almost.
Sheriff Stilinski is on the scene now, which leads to an . . . awkward . . . conversation between father and son. Apparently, Stiles’ dad doesn’t believe he’s gay, because of the way he dresses.
Small towns lead to small minds, I guess . . . even in otherwise awesome dudes, like Daddy Stilinski.
Now, for the record, I think Stiles is an AWESOME dresser. He always wears the coolest t-shirts.
But Daddy-o is right about one thing. Stiles is NOT gay. Anyone who’s watched the way he reacts to Lydia can see that . . .
Though . . . I guess he could be bi . . .
Anywhoo, Stiles and Scott manage to shove Jackson in the back of a police paddy wagon. And off they ride into the night . . .
Never trust a man who steals your purse dog . . .
Did you know Lydia has a “purse dog,” who she named after a company known for its high-quality purses. Clever right? But just because Prada is expensively named, doesn’t mean he’s immune to a man with beef jerky in his pockets or a werewolf with the power to mind control dogs, like we saw Scott do in the pilot episode (Come on! We all know that’s how he got the dog to run off, right?)
That’s right, Werebangers! Creepy Dude from Outside the School Shrink’s Office strikes again. And this time, he’s claiming to be Lydia’s “new neighbor.” How convenient!
In the words of Gotye, Creepy Dude definitely looks like “Somebody that I Used to Know” . . .
. . . and . . . wait for it . . . a gift of wolfsbane . . .
The question is, what are Creepy Dude’s motives for wanting Lydia to carry wolfsbane around with her at all times. Is it for protection from Derek’s pack? Is the wolfsbane what keeps Lydia immune from the Kanaima’s venom? Or does Creepy Dude have a more sinister reason for wanting to get under the red head’s skin.
Then again, he could always just be a horny teen looking to get laid . . .
Over in Argent land, Grandpoppy suggests that the Kanaima could be useful in culling out, and eventually killing Derek and his Wolf Pack.
At first blush, I’d say that this really isn’t such a bright idea. After all, the Devil You Know is always safer than the Devil you don’t. And this Kanaima sure does seem a lot more dangerous and deadly than broody Derek and his pitiful wolf pups. Unless, of course, the Kanaima IS the Devil that Grandpoppy knows better. Once again, the notion that Grandpa Argent is somehow connected to the Kanaima is dangled tantalizingly in front of us fans . . .
Elsewhere, even though Jackson is technically Stiles’ hostage, that doesn’t mean he can’t be a good host, right. After slipping Jackson into a pair of pants, while he was passed out (Now, THAT’S a deleted scene I hope they put on the DVD), Stiles kindly offers Jackson some gas station sandwiches and scintillating conversation . . .
Speaking of Stiles’ hostage hosting skills, he’s even gone to the trouble of texting Jackson’s adoptive parents from his cell phone to let them know he’s OK.
This, of course, ends up backfiring big time, because Jackson never says anything nice to his parents . . . or anyone for that matter . . . by text or otherwise. So, now, Jackson’s dad is super suspicious, and decides to go to the cops.
Over at school, Principal Not-John McCain creepily fondles his granddaughter’s neck to determine if she’s lying about the missing Jackson’s whereabouts. I bet he does that with all the girls . . .
“My, Allison what big boobs neck muscles you have!”
How convenient that the Argents, despite having just moved into town a few months ago, have such an influence on the Beacon Hills public school system. Within a day, Grandpa has installed video cameras all over the school. And I bet you will never guess who he hired as Allison’s new substitute teacher . . .
Out of all the Argents, I still think this one is the scariest of them all . . .
Oddly enough, like Principal Not John McCain, Mama Argent seems to be working at the school for no other reason than to torture Allison. After class, Mama Argent praises her daughter for being “strong” and staying away from Scott.
But Allison isn’t fooled, what might sound like praise coming from normal moms, is clearly a threat coming from this one. In other words, “stop dating Scott, or he dies.”
Nothing much new here. Though it did make me giggle a bit, when Mama Argent cleverly noted that Allison was exchanging quite a few text messages with “The Odd One” a.k.a. This Guy . . .
Speaking of Stiles, it seems his hostage-taking skills leave a bit to be desired. For one thing, he’s forgotten about a little thing called “GPS” that police can use to TRACK THE CELL PHONES OF MISSING PEOPLE.
Speaking of technology, remember that sex tape that Danny shoved into the trunk of a car unwatched? Well, feel free to check for it on YouTube next week because it’s GONE!
It’s not easy being green . . .
Outside the paddy wagon, Stiles, Scott and Allison argue over how next to proceed. Arguing for the “Let’s not kill, Jackson” side is Scott, champion of all supernatural creatures, who wonders, as many fans have postulated, whether the Kanaima might only be target “bad people” . . . like killers . . . and stuff.
But Stiles, who’s personally felt the wrath of the Kanaima on more than one occasion, is all, “Nah . . . he’s evil. Let’s kill him!”
Funny how quickly your tune changes, when you find out the Kanaima isn’t the hot red-head you LOOOVE, but, rather, the jock douchebag you hate, isn’t it Stiles?
Loyal Wolf Pup Scott isn’t convinced, however. He claims that his Scooby Gang should feel obligated to save Jackson because nobody else likes him enough to do it for them (well . . . except maybe Danny).
Then, Stiles heads off to chat with Lydia, so that the two lovebirds can make out some more. We’re treated to a “scintillating” conversation about how Allison wants to be with Scott FOREVVEEERRRR, despite the fact that they are only sophomores (?), and the fact that with Scott’s grades, he might not actually graduate high school until he’s 55. More nuzzling and smooching ensue . . .
Gag! Puke! BLEEEHHH!
I don’t know. Usually, I’m such a goopy girl romantic. And Allison has really been growing on me as a character these past few weeks. But there’s something about these two together that just bores me to tears. Does anyone else feel the same way?
The only interesting part of this conversation, was the suggestion that perhaps Lydia’s “immunity” to werewolf bites could be used to cure Scott of his “condition.” Well, they may have squeeze it out of her first . . .
Wait, I lied. There was another interesting part of this conversation. It was the one where Scott and Allison started boning. And Jackson used that opportunity to turn into the Kanaima and escape. Serves those horndogs right!
Now, completely out of options, Stiles decides to come clean to his dad about the town’s little “supernatural problem.” Scott and his yellow eyes tag along to help make Stiles’ story a bit more “credible.” Unfortunately, by the time they arrive at the sheriff’s office, a very smug looking “human” Jackson is already there with his lawyer dad. And they’re ready to sue!
You know, because lawyers and law suits are so much scarier than getting your face ripped apart by a lizard thingy . . .
Allison’s ready to come clean to her parents too. But before she can, she runs into Lydia, who, understandably, is desperate for answers.
She’s also conveniently fluent in Archaic Latin. It’s time to break out that trusty old Bestiary again . . .
Here’s an interesting twist. Either that school counselor chick really sucks at Latin . . .
. . . or she’s hiding something, because her translation of the piece about the Kanaima was missing one very important piece of information. Accoring to Lydia, the Kanaima isn’t looking for a “friend,” it’s looking for a “MASTER” to control it . . .
Ahh . . . the plot . . . it thickens! Until next time, Werebangers!
Hey Fangbangers! So, we’re just a week away from the Season Finale of TVD. And characters are dropping like flies, here in Mystic Falls. You know, for supernatural beings, these folks sure DIE a lot (die . . . un-die . . . re-die . . . faux-die . . . tie dye . . . die again).
Sometimes it gets quite difficult to keep track of who’s dead, and who’s . . . well . . . undead. (But hey, that’s what recaps are for, right?)
So grab your morning paper, and your balls . . . er . . . I mean soccer balls . . . and head on over the Wickory Bridge to Mystic Falls . . . a Vampire Town with a Drinking Problem. We’re dying for you to join us . . . for a little TVD-cap.
Caroline: “Let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever!'”
Tyler: “Oooh . . . I got one! Never have I ever died on this show.”
Elena: “Umm . . . yeah you did!”
Tyler: “I know . . . but so did all of you! Everyone drink up!”
(As always, special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire, for all the pretty pictures you see here. If I were Klaus, I’d draw him a pony for all his hard work and dedication . . .)
The episode begins with some creepy, and seemingly completely random Civil War photographs.
Awww . . . now THERE’S a nice, happy inspirational picture to hang up in your classroom!
Oh no! Not another flashback episode. I always hate those. Oh wait . . . I see what you did there, writers . . . Alaric’s a history teacher. Sometimes I forget he actually has an occupation aside from drinking and playing with his Chunky Monkey. And now he’s about to try to murder his own friends.
Is it just me, or does the toy on the horse look like he’s giving the other toys the finger?
Just like our ancestors murdered one another, back during that epic bloody battle.
This toy kind of looks like Klaus does at the end of the episode . . .
Man, I love when TVD gets all “deep” on us. It makes me feel “smart and sophisticated.” Now, I don’t have to watch PBS or the History Channel ever again.
Hey, did you ever notice how Alaric only seems to actually attend classes when he’s “not himself?” If you recall, Alarklaus taught history classes, back in Season 2. He even chaperoned the school dance!
Now, Nouveau Ric is hanging out at the high school as well, and on a weekend, no less! If only the Administration knew how mich being possessed improved Alaric’s work ethic, they probably would have done it themselves, a long time ago.
“I don’t even really like teaching. But the benefits are unmatched. And now that I have fangs, I could really use a good dental plan.”
Speaking of the academically inclined, 1,000-year old Rebekah is another character who seems to attend high school more than anyone else on the show. I mean, seriously, who volunteers to be on the 8 a.m. clean-up crew for a dance for which they spent the entire time lying dead in a coffin with a stake through their heart? Now, that’s dedication!
“Popularity is super important to me. After all, if I didn’t have friends? Who would I eat?”
But Rebekah’s not alone. Caroline’s on the clean-up crew too. Two blonde vampires picking up trash together . . . it’s a commercial for Garbage Woman Barbie!
I’m sorry. That was politically incorrect. Of course, I meant “Sanitation Worker Barbie.”
Typically at odds with one another in a “b*tch stole my look and my social life” sort of way, Caroline and Rebekah actually seem to be on their best behavior this morning. With their respective claws retracted, the two Alpha females even go as far as to exchange banal pleasantries with one another . . . like, for example, “Golly gee! I was so sorry to hear that your mother tried to murder you, stole your body, and is now definitely dead . . . again.”
And, “Oh yeah, same goes for that dead history teacher of yours. I know you really liked him. It’s a real shame that he decided to die just like your DAD rather than become an undead bloodsucker, like the two of us.”
Speaking of America’s favorite vampire slaying history teacher, Rebekah runs into Alaric . . . or, perhaps I should say, Nouveau Ric by the lockers. And suddenly, I’m having flashbacks of “The Reckoning.” (Remember that one . . . back when Klaus was still the Biggest Baddest Vampy in town, and Stefan still occasionally ate Elena . . . in more ways than one?)
Only this time, Rebekah is playing the role of the Damsel in Distress, for a change.
“Phew, your breath is rank, Nouveau Ric! What do you use to brush your teeth? Codfish?”
Fun times and Phallic Hijinks ensue, as the pair wrestle with the big shiny weiner-like object that is the Invisible Originals-Killing Stake. Vampire Barbie Caroline hears the commotion, and rushes to join Klaus Barbie in the fight. This is actually kind of erotic . . .
Caroline: “You know, this is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a threesome.”
Rebekah: *whistles uncomfortably*
Rebekah: “Hey! No fair! You can’t just pull it out like that? What do you think this is, the rhythm method?”
Of course, Caroline’s no dummy . . . at least, not in this episode. She knows when a fight is hers to lose. And this one has Death Trap written all over it. So, the littlest Forbes quite wisely makes a run for it. (It looks like the gym will have to be cleaned some other time. Hope no one was planning on using it for. . . like . . . actual physical education and stuff.)
Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to get to your car (because some psycho killer wants to shove a big stake up your ass), and your door won’t open? Poor Caroline! It seems that, while you can indeed run from Vampire the Vampire Slayer, driving away from him is not an option, especially when you can’t get into your car. I hope the company that made Caroline’s car didn’t pay for THAT product placement.
Caroline: *sigh* “If only I had ONSTAR to help me to open my car door, in desperate situations like these.” *winks at camera*
Alaric knocks out Caroline with frightening ease, before dragging her temporarily unconscious, and always lifeless, body across the concrete, wheelbarrow-style. Ouch! She’s probably going to feel that in the morning. While all this is going down, we see Rebekah, in the distance, observing the situation with a mixture of horror and smugness. Undoubtedly, in this moment she is thinking, “Now, I’m the fairest of them all, B*tch! The Prom Queen title is MINE!”
“I’d help her out . . . but I don’t want to ruin my manicure.”
Oh, did I forget to mention that Alaric’s face is falling off?
Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching the Thriller video?
Oh Esther, you silly little, pursed lips, completely lacking of facial expression, witchypoo, you! You would think that as the MOTHER OF ORIGINAL VAMPIRES, she would have at least remembered to give her little Frankenvampire creation a Sunscreen Ring, so that he could play with his fellow fangy friends in the daylight. (“But MOMMY, all the other vampires have them. NO FAIR!” I could picture Alaric whining, upon learning of this unfortunate turn of events.
“Snookie and the Situation lied. Gym, tanning and laundry are definitely overrated.”
But noooo Esther . . . you had to make him suffer unnecessarily, in furtherance of your stupid-totally-doomed-to-fail, because the Scoobies always win or there’d be no show brilliant Vampire Extinction Plan. Super Villain FAIL!
Then again, I guess you had your reasons . . . like the fact that the episode needed a title . . . and a Cinderella “They all turn back into pumpkins at midnight” type timeline to “heighten the intensity.”
“Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . . another one.”
Back at the Gilbert House of Death, Misery, and Hideous Floral Décor, siblings, Jeremy and Elena, are innocently painting not-so-dead Alaric’s bedroom a lovely shade of toothpaste green. (That will teach you not to DIE LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO, Alchy Ric! Now your bedroom vaguely resembles snot. I hope you are proud of yourself.)
If Alaric had a grave, he’d be rolling over in it . . . Then again, considering this is a guy who willingly decorates his classroom with pictures of dead people, and the Civil War equivalent of GI Joes, he’s not exactly an Arbiter of Taste, either.
Stefan arrives on the scene to offer his trademark Sad Smile (also, presumably to kill some time, since “Murder and Mayhem” don’t appear on his calendar today, until about noon. To say that Petulant Pouty Jeremy (Oh, how I missed your misery Jer Bear! Unhappiness is SO hot.) is less than thrilled to see one of his sister’s multiple undead suitors on the scene is the understatement of the century.
“I challenge you to a wet t-shirt contest.”
(Then again, it’s possible that Mini Gilbert is simply jealous of Elena’s popularity with members of the opposite sex . . . human or not. After all, his own ghost girlfriends seemed to have stopped calling him entirely. I mean things have to be REALLY bad in the relationship department, when women who lack corporeal bodies aren’t willing to bone you. I’ll bone you, Jer Bear!)
Let’s face it Jer, when she stops haunting you, while you’re on the toilet . . . she’s just not that into you.
“All I want is one day without vampires,” Jeremy gripes.
(And hey, considering we are one week away from the season finale of the show, Jeremy might get an ENTIRE summer without vampires . . . unless he watches True Blood.)
Though he tries to play it “cool,” Stefan seems a bit hurt by Jeremy’s statements. (It’s time to grow a thicker skin, Stefan! You would think that having been alive for nearly two centuries, you would have at least one or two insults lodged at you that were harsher than the equivalent of: “Vampires suck. I wish they’d stop trying to bone my sister.”)
“I know . . . it’s just . . I just finished watching The Notebook again. And I’m in a really vulnerable place, right now.”
This, obviously, puts Elena in an awkward position, as she tries to broker a fragile peace between all the men in her life. Fortunately she doesn’t have to broker for very long, before there is a knock at her door. Surprise! It’s the other man in her life . . . some would say the Best Man (I know I would!)
Still in her flapper costume, nearly 24 hours later. This takes Walk of Shame to a whole new level.
Of course, I’m referring to Damon, who’s currently hanging out on Elena’s doorstep with a Bloody Bonnie by his side . . . a bloody Bonnie, who he has undoubtedly scraped off the floor and fed his own blood, after a zombified version of herself gave him a migraine and let then-almost vampire Ric give her a massive hickey on her neck.
And they say Damon isn’t the forgiving type . . .
So now the Scooby Gang knows that Ric-ipoo is not-so-much-dead. The next challenge is for Bonnie to come up with the Witch Ex Machina to make him definitely dead. Oh Bonnie, you are sooo the Velma of your Scooby Gang . . . always stuck with your head in boring spell books, while everyone else is breaking sh*t, beating people up, and getting laid.
Sometimes, the truth hurts.
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Furnished, it’s Rebekah’s turn to want to kiss Mystic Falls goodbye. Next week, it will be Klaus’ again . . . oh . . . wait . . . nevermind. But Klaus isn’t about to skip town without his prized bloodbag Elena. How else would he be able to create an unlimited array of hybrids who would be eternally gay for him (even the female ones)? Rebekah pleads for him to reconsider. After all, wasn’t the whole Hybrid Thing really just a convoluted end-run around being alone?
And hey, Klaus doesn’t NEED to be alone anymore. He has his family now . . . you know, the folks he carried around in coffins for hundreds of years, just for fun . . . well . . . except for his mother (dead), his father (deader), and Finn (deadest) . . . but Klaus never really liked them anyway, right?
It has been quite some time, since we got to see you kick some genuine ass. And no, I’m not just talking about your threatening to “kill everyone [insert name here] loves; or getting your hybrids to kick asses for you . . . I’m talking about honest-to-goodness acts of impressive villainy. “Before Sunset” finally allowed us to see some of that . . .
. . . annnnnd then Klaus died.
Shortly after he learned the truth about Nouveau Ric, Klaus paid a little visit to the Gilbert house to retrieve Princess Elena. The problem, of course, is that, unbeknownst to Klaus (and everyone else in the house, for that matter), Elena is out rescuing Caroline, whos’s been held hostage by Nouveau Ric at the school. To be honest, I don’t know if “rescuing” is ever a good word to describe for what Elena does for other people . . . since it always ends up with Elena in danger, and people coming to rescue her. Maybe what Elena does should become it’s own adjective: “Elena-ing.”
“Hmm . . . who’s number is this in my cell phone? TV Recapper? DELETE!”
Either way, neither the Salvatore Brothers, nor Mini Gilbert, have any intention of letting Klaus in the house. This, of course, pisses Klaus off royally. And so, he responds by doing what Klaus does best . . . He throws a temper tantrum.
Have you ever played that old video game, where you’re the Paperboy, and the object of the game is to get all the papers on your “route” to land on the stoop, as opposed to . . . hitting the neighbor’s dog, or breaking windows? Yeah . . . well, let’s just say Klaus has other strategies in mind.
. . . at the not-entirely-unsuspecting Salvatore Brothers, who are expertly ducking them all. It’s like one big crazy game of dodgeball!
I don’t know about what Klaus is doing. It sure seems like an awful lot of work to me just to get into a house. As another, much more talented recapper (Entertainment Weekly’s Mandi Bierly) than I pointed out, Klaus’ brother Elijah accomplished the exact same thing, with nothing more than the loose change in his pocket.
Also, not to point out the obvious, but what the heck are the Gilbert’s neighbors going to think about all this? Then again, given all the CRAZY INSANE-O things we’ve seen go on at the Gilbert house, these past three seasons, the fact that the neighbors NEVER ever thought to call the cops . . . or better yet move . . . probably means that they are all dead anyway. (Maybe Klaus ate them?)
Or Stefan . . .
Once the gang finally figures out where Elena actually is (thanks to a helpful call from Nouveau Ric, himself), it should come as no surprise to anyone that Saint Stefan is the one that encourages Klaus to join Team Scooby in it’s weekly installment of the “Save Elena” games. After all, they all want the same girl, right? They might as well work together to get her back.
Never one to look a gift pony in the mouth (especially one he’s drawn), you can’t exactly blame Klaus for being a bit skeptical of the offer. In no uncertain terms, Klaus reminds Stefan that, if they defeat Nouveau Ric, Klaus WILL be leaving Mystic Falls with lover girl as his bloodbag. “Then I’ll go with you,” Stefan says, unfazed.
“And that’s why you’re the better option [for Elena],” Klaus remarks generously . . . thus proving that he will say whatever it takes to get back into the jock strap of his unrequited vampire love.
Long story short, Klaus isn’t about to give up the opportunity to have his blood bag, and eat Stefan’s weiner too. He’s SO in!
The question is, of course, if no stake on Earth can kill Ric, how are Bonnie and her Scooby Gang plus Klaus going to manage it? More on that, in a little bit . . .
That Nouveau Ric! He’s such a sweetie. Here he is giving up a fun weekend of binge drinking and blacking out to offer some private tutoring to his favorite students Caroline and Elena. The lesson of the day: Why Murdering Vampires Isn’t as Morally Reprehensible as You Might Think 101. Since this is an “interactive lesson” it involves Caroline being stabbed in the hand with a pencil, and gagged with vervain.
Oh, Alaric. You really haven’t thought this one through. How is she supposed to take notes?
Disturbing as this scene was, I liked the way it fleshed out (no pun intended) Alaric’s alter ego a bit more. In earlier episodes, the guy came off as nothing more than a raging lunatic. But this scene reminded us that Nouveau Ric, evil as he might be, still possesses all of Alaric’s old memories. He even . . . in his own twisted way . . . still cares about Elena . . . sort of. And when he tells the young woman that he came thisclose to formally adopting in his “other life,” that his vampire distrusting parents would be disappointed in some of Elena’s recent “life choices,” you can tell that he really believes it.
In a way, Nouveau Ric is kind of like a religious extremist or terrorist . . . so firm and single-minded in his beliefs, that he is willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish them . . . even if it doing it makes him a monster. Klaus tries to coax Elena into staking Caroline, under the theory, that her death will be more painful if Alaric himself carries it out.
“For the last time, I will NOT touch your stick, Ric! So, stop whipping it out, and waving it in my face!”
But surprisingly enough, the teenager outsmarts the dude with the Master’s degree, by pretending to try and stake him, while she douses his face with scalding-to-vampires vervain.
Now, Nouveau Ric is angry . . . and you wouldn’t like him, when he’s angry. . .
The Three Vamp-keteers . . . the Witch . . . and the Whipping Boy
Surprise! At the eleventh hour, Bonnie Ex Machina has discovered the key to temporarily killing . . . at least until the non-vampire Scooby Gang reaches their 30’s the seemingly unkillable Nouveau Ric. Specifically, Bonnie wants to use on Alaric the dessication spell, her absentee bio mom once used on the now definitely dead Mikael.
The catch is that she needs her lame-ass, cut-and-run, pays more attention to her pseudo-son/boyfriend than her, mother Abby, in order to accomplish the deed.
Now, I can’t STAND the useless, wimpy, cowardly character of Abby. And I would have much rather her stayed GONE. That said, I kind of love how the writers used her to express us recapper’s long standing complaint that the Salvatore’s house . . . which was specifically deeded over to the very human Elena back in Season 2 . . . now seems open to any and all vampires. Of course, most of the characters on the show consistently ignored this annoying anomaly until Abby.
Speaking in the voice of the writers, Damon explains that, when Elena “died” (for about two seconds) back in episode 221, the house reverted back to the Salvatores, at least in the spiritual sense (legally, it OBVIOUSLY still belongs to Elena). And so, since La Casa de Rich and Awesome is once again vampire owned, it is pretty much an Open House for every soon-to-be-dead guest star vampire around . . .you know . . . like Abby.
Anywhoo . . . Abby’s all “Nooo . . . dear daughter, who I abandoned, seemingly uncaring as to whether you lived or died . . . PLEASSSEEEE don’t do the Dessication spell! It involves BLACK MAGIC, and . . . temporarily killing a human by stopping their heart and . . . having vampires drink your blood again . . . and making your face look prematurely veiny. In other words, this is a big time Bad News Spell, child. It can f*&k you up, something fierce!”
Fortunately, Damon pipes in to say. “Hey, she’s Bonnie ex Machina. It’s her JOB to perform dangerous spells in the last ten minutes of every episode to save our asses.
Not that we pay her, or anything . . . because we don’t. But hey! If she didn’t do it, she might as well be another show . . . like The Secret Circle . . . or something.
It’s settled them! Black magic and veiny face be damned. Klaus, Stefan and Damon are going to temporarily incapacitate Nouveau Ric, and drink Bonnie’s blood . . . so that Bonnie can mumble in faux Latin . . . and do whatever it is she does on this show that constitutes “spell casting.”
Jeremy: “Umm . . . Bonnie . . . not to question your witchy ways or anything, but what exactly does grabbing my crotch repeatedly have to do with killing Nouveau Ric.”
Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*
But here’s a question: what moronic human is idiotic enough to let Bonnie stop his heart, even temporarily, for the love of one teenage girl. Do you even have to ask? It’s Mini Gilbert of course. (Poor guy, even he performs acts of tremendous bravery, they always seem to involve him lying on his back, and having the crap kicked out of him by women. Life just isn’t fair.)
Oh, and did I mention that Bonnie “found” Caroline and Elena at the school, using her trusty iPhone GPS. Obligatory and Obnoxious Product Placement Alert!
Trying to determine whether your history teacher is an alien? There’s an app for that!
In which Elena gets an IDEA . . .
Though the Three Vamp-keteers put on a good show, of trying to tackle Nouveau Ric together at school (The diversion even enables Klaus to free, and subsequently make some serious sex eyes, at Caroline.) . . .
. . . their efforts to stake Nouveau Ric, while Bonnie fondles Jeremy’s chest, and attempts to stop his heart, are ultimately ineffective, and end with both Salvatore Brother down for the count.
Thus proving you can never be too old for nap time.
But worry not, because hope is not yet lost. Nouveau Ric’s staunch refusal to kill vampire lover Elena makes the doppelganger extremely suspicious . . . so, suspicious, in fact, that she takes a risk, and tries to slice open her own neck for sh*ts and giggles.
It’s a Do-It-Yourself Hickey . . .
The seemingly suicidal action causes Nouveau Ric to go batsh*t insane, thereby confirming Elena’s surprisingly clever hypothesis.
Apparently Nouveau Ric’s life is tied to Elena’s in the same way each other vampire’s life is tied to an Originals. So, if and when Elena dies, Nouveau Ric will die too. In other words, Alchy Ric isn’t actually a threat to Elena, even at his most vampire hater killingest. Problem solved . . .Elena has been saved . . . again . . . crisis averted, right?
Alert the media, Elena’s in danger again!
We come back from commercial to find out that sh*t has really hit the fan now. Somehow, Klaus managed to get away from Alaric, and took Elena with him. So, remember the Good Old Days, when Klaus used to want Elena to live, because he needed her blood bagging talents to make more hybrids? Apparently, not so much, anymore! All it took was one look at how powerful Nouveau Ric was, and Klaus completely flip-flopped on his Elena policy.
But you know Klaus . . . he’s all about the Evil Villain Monologue. So, instead of bleeding Elena dry as fast as possible, he decides to gossip with her, about which Salvatore Brother she loves more. DAMON! DAMON! IT’S GOTTA BE DAMON!
Of course, Elena doesn’t give an answer because it’s not the season finale yet. Actually she does answer Klaus’s question. Just not necessarily in the way we would have hoped . . .
Now, he’s draining her blood, in hopes of escaping with his own life in tact. Sure, it will mean that the amount of new hybrids Klaus can make are limited. But that’s a small price to pay for eternal life, right? And eternal life is exactly what Klaus will get once Elena and Alaric are dead? True?
Maybe not . . . you see . . . Klaus’ main henchman during the Elena Draining is none other than Tyler . . . Elena’s friend . . . Caroline’s boyfriend . . . and a self-de-sired hybrid, who, in his own words is “SO NOT [KLAUS’] b*tch anymore. So, much for hybrids being an Original Vampire’s best friend! Tyler is clearly, gay for Klaus, no more.
“Now, I’m gay for Damon! Sorry!”
And what’s worse, he’s called in the Scooby Gang to perform on Klaus the exact same “desiccation” spell originally meant for Nouveau Ric.
In the words of werewolves . . . and cartoon dogs named Astro . . . Ruh Roh, Klausipoo!
Your cheating heart . . . (will make you dried out and veiny)
Back in the Forest Where Everyone in Mystic Falls Has Died at Least Once, Bonnie is, once again, chanting and mumbling over a sleepy . . . soon to be dead-y Jeremy. This time, though, she succeeds in stopping her ex-boyfriend’s heart, at the exact same moment the Salvatore Bros have staked Klaus.
“Need . . . Botox . . . now.”
Oh, this is soooo time for a nose bleed, right? Apparently not. Nope . . . no nose bleeds for Black Magic Bonnie, who seems to be having wayyy to much fun stopping Jer Bear’s heart if you ask me. I mean, girlfriend’s making an “O” face, while she’s killing her boy toy, which is just beyond inappropriate if you ask me . . .
Also . . . her face is getting all black and veiny, for no apparent reason whatsoever. EW! I don’t know about you, but if I had to choose one, I’d go nosebleeds over Vein Faced spellgasms any day (and twice on Sunday).
Back at the Klaus House, Big Bad Original is starting to look all pale, sad, creepy, lifeless zombie like . . . you know, kind of like his siblings looked, back when he staked all of them. Knowing that life as he knows it is now coming to an end, Klausipoo takes these last few moments to share one final eye-f*&k with the secret love of his life, Stefan. It was both sad, and sexy at the same time. And Stefan’s eyes are undoubtedly pregnant right now from the effort.
Still . . . eye-screw or no-screw, Klaus is DEAD-DEAD . . . at least until the next Sweeps period.
Mini Gilbert lived to tell the tale though!
“Oh Bonnie. I had the most awful dream. You were murdering me with your hands, while making sex noises.”
But only after a maudlin Bonnie cried hysterically for about three seconds over his unconscious body. (Oh honey, we saw your O-face. Don’t act all high and mighty now, and pretend you didn’t enjoy it.)
When all is said and done, the Salvatore Brother’s toss Klaus’ lifeless body into the trunk of their car where Stefan gives it the goodbye screw of it’s life, and escort the favor, slightly de-blooded, Elena back home.
The Doppelganger and Not-Secret Service Crew
At the doorstep, she stops to thank them for being so patient with her. But she really needs some more time to choose which one of them she wants to dry hump on a regular basis, if that’s OK with them. DAMON! DAMON! DAMON!
They both say, “Sure ! No problem” (though neither of them really means it), and head for the hills.
In the car, on the way to dump Klaus’ body off the Wickory Bridge, Stefan and Damon have a heartfelt conversation about Elena. I probably would have paid a lot more attention to it, if, the whole time, I wasn’t waiting for Klaus to pop up in between them, say, “HAHA FOOLED YA, SUCKAS! I AIN’T EVEN DEAD YET,” and start making out with Stefan.
It never happened. And I can’t decide whether or not I’m disappointed about that.
Anywhoo, Damon and Stefan mutually agree with one another, about how totally hot and perfect Elena was.
Then, Saint Stefan offers to “gallantly” leave town if Elena ends up choosing Damon as her “lovah!”
At first, Damon’s response seems to be “F*&k that, if she picks you, I’m sticking around for the Hot Revenge Sex I’m going to get, each time you two fight.”
But eventually, Damon VERY RELUCTANTLY agrees to do the same thing for his brother’s sake. “And hey,” Damon adds. “In sixty or so years, after Elena croaks, we might even be able to be brothers again.”
Good old Damon. Always the optimist . . . well . . . except for the fact that he’s only letting Elena live until her mid seventies. That’s kind of cold, don’t you think?
It’s a CELEBRATION!
It’s rare to get truly happy moments on TVD. But we got one at the end of this episode, when Jer Bear, Bonnie, Tyler (who, since the founder of his bloodline is only “all dried up” and not “actually dead, got to live to see the end of this episode), Token Human Matt, Caroline and Elena herself all got to get wasted on tequila, and celebrate the death of Season 2 and 3’s Big Bad.
Just happy not to have a vervain soaked rag in her mouth, a slightly tipsy Caroline echoed her not-so-much boyfriend Klaus, in trying to get Elena to voice her Salvatore Brother Choice. But Elena wasn’t about to let a little thing like the fact that polygamy isn’t legal in Virgina, rain on her Dead Klaus Parade! No sir!
And it’s a good thing too . . . because all that happiness only lasts for about two seconds . . .
Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Nouveau Ric crashes a council meeting to out Caroline’s and Tyler’s respective mommies as “vampire sympathizes’ and “harborers of supernatural creatures.” Now, it’ just a hunch. But I’m thinking this is going to hurt their chances at mayor and sheriff re-election, BIG TIME! (Might I suggest throwing a little compulsion in with those campaign buttons . . .)
In more bad news . . .
So, THAT’S where Bonnie’s nosebleeds went . . .
In the final moments of the episode, we see Elena returning to Alaric’s room to finish painting his snot green walls. A searing pain hits her neck, and she passes out, blood dumping from her nose, like Bonnie on a Spell Bender. Well, this can’t be good . . .
“Don’t call it a nosebleed. Call it a Blood Mustache.”
That said, for all two of you that actually thought Elena actually croaked, you can rest easy. The doppelganger LIVES!
Derek Hale, you just purchased a brand new pair of red-colored contacts became the new Alpha. What are you going to do now?
DEREK: “I’m going to have crazy, mindblowing, sex with a TV Recapper!”
Greetings Werebangers! Well, the finale of Teen Wolf has come and gone. And the world, as we know it, will never be the same. We’ve seen things we can’t unsee: people with their throats ripped out; corpses tucked in the trunks of cars; skin irreparably burned by twin Molotov Cocktails; a body spewing blood across a hospital bed, like a geyser . . .
. . . and, the most shocking image of all . . . DEREK HALE SMILING!
So, reload that crossbow, toss me a Molotov, and show me your teeth, because it’s time for the FINAL Teen Wolf Recap of the Year . . .
Man, I’m going to miss using this GIF!
(As always, special thanks to the spectacularly brilliant and talented screencapper Andre, for the images you see here. Were it not for all his help, this season, these recaps would probably be filled with nothing more than my LAME words, and a few random promotional stills that I nabbed off MTV.com. 🙂 )
“So . . . ummmmm, Allison. About my New Face . . .”
When we last left those two crazy kids, Allison and Scott, they were contemplating a little quickie in the old school bus . . .
. . . until, of course, that mean ole’ cock block, Papa Argent came, and TRIED TO RUN SCOTT OVER WITH HIS CAR . . .
Damn you, Papa Argent! It’s YOUR fault that this show is only rated “T” for teen!
Once Scott realizes what has happened, he runs off to LITERALLY go howl in the woods . . .
OK, Scott. I know your “devastated,” and all. But is it really necessary to go rolling around in dirt, in your WHITE DRESS SHIRT? What is this . . . the beginning of a Tide detergent commercial?
Having been effectively neutered by his girlfriend’s dad, Scott goes to the vet’s office, so he can “sort out his feelings” along with the other K-9’s . . .
*sniffle, sniffle* “I wish I could just roll over, and play dead.”
As for Allison, she’s more in shock than anything else. Wouldn’t you be, if you found out you were screwing a dog?
Papa Argent hugs his frightened daughter to his chest, and drives her home. Given the state she’s in, he will probably have to wait until tomorrow to get her a rabies shot.
Meanwhile, out on the football field . . .
Road Trippin’ with Uncle Alpha
Stiles is freaking out now, huddled, as he is, over a definitely unconscious Lydia’s limp body.
“Uhh . . . Lydia? I really hope you don’t let this reflect poorly on your opinion of our first date.”
But Uncle Alpha doesn’t seem all that concerned. He has bigger fish to fry than prospectively dead redheads. He wants to find Derek Hale, and he needs Stiles to help him do it. “Why don’t you just kill me, already?” Stiles shouts.
Oh, come on, Stiles! Let’s not be so overdramatic! I mean, Lydia’s a nice girl and all (Well . . . not really). But she’s not technically your girlfriend yet, is she? So, there’s really no need to go all Romeo and Juliet on us, now. Is there?
After Uncle Alpha assures Stiles that he doesn’t want to immediately kill him, Stiles reluctantly agrees to help him find Derek. However, being the chivalrous gentleman he is, Stiles absolutely refuses to leave Lydia three-quarters dead, in the middle of the football field. (What a guy!) So, Uncle Alpha, ever the resourceful Super Villain, suggests that Stiles call Jackson, and tell him where he could go to pick up his ex-girlfriend, and possibly ex-human.
“Lord, when I asked you for a ready and waiting woman, to fall into my arms, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.”
Chilling out in Stiles’ jeep together, en route to UncleAlpha’s car (which is located in the parking lot of the mall / grocery store) “sensitive” Uncle Alpha tells Stiles not to worry about Lydia, since there’s a good chance she could come back to life, as a big hairy werewolf. What a refreshing thought, Uncle Alpha! Stiles, of course notes that this would also mean that Lydia will start sprouting hair in weird, unattractive places, undoubtedly causing Stiles to cough up many a hairball, if and when he sleeps with her will eventually lose control, and try to EAT STILES, at some point, all because she’s having a bad day.
Yeah . . . that wasn’t what I meant.
Uncle Alpha can’t really argue with that assessment, so he starts humming to the tunes on the radio, instead . . .
“My mouth is alive, with juices like wine. And I’m Hungry Like the Wolffffff.”
Over in the parking lot, Uncle Alpha lets Stiles get a peek underneath his hood . . . oops, I mean, in the trunk of his car . . . which is actually the red-headed nurse’s car. “But . . . she’s dead,” exclaims Captain Obvious Stiles, in horror.
Check out the hand. It looks kind of wolfy to me. I guess “getting the bite” doesn’t necessarily promise a long life, now, does it?
“I got better,” remarks Uncle Alpha emotionlessly. (Haha! I like THIS GUY! He’s funny!)
From the stinky corpse-filled trunk, Uncle Alpha extracts a iMac laptop, causing Stiles to wonder whether ALL werewolves are MAC people. (Gee, I wonder how much Apple paid for THAT little advertisement?)
Buy iMac . . . for all your wolfy, human flesh-eating needs.
Now, all they have to do, is type Scott’s iPhone username and password into the computer, and they can figure out where Derek (who has been hanging on to the phone for precisely this purpose), is being held captive. After making a few growled threats, and promising to keep Scott safe, Uncle Alpha eventually gets Stiles to admit that he knows both Scott’s username AND password by heart.
Stiles types both in, and Uncle Alpha hilariously rolls his eyes. “His username is ‘Allison.’ And his password is also ‘Allison‘?” He snorts derisively.
“Apparently, I’ve just let the human equivalent of a tampon into my wolf pack.”
(OK, so, I immediately guessed Scott’s password. He’s not particularly intelligent, or creative, after all. But that username threw me. I mean, what kind of guy chooses “Allison” for their username? The kind of guy who gets weepy, while watching The Notebook, that’s who!)
“Are you sure you still want him in your pack?” Stiles quips.
Uncle Alpha doesn’t look sure at all. In fact, he’s probably wishing he took Stiles, instead, or Stiles’ dad, or THIS GUY . . .
. . . anybody aside from Schmoopy Scott and his oh-so-creative cell phone passwords!
Within moments, Derek Sexy Pants’ location is revealed. Apparently, Auntie Kate has been keeping him in a dungeon, underneath the guy’s OWN HOUSE, this WHOLE TIME.
I suspect the warehouse was used back in the day, by the family, to prevent themselves from eating their neighbors, during the Full Moon. (How thoughtful!)
Having gotten what he wanted out of Stiles, Uncle Alpha takes the keys to the poor kid’s jeep and smashes them in his hands, so he can’t follow him. He then prepares to strand the poor guy in the parking lot.
Wait . . . how did he get them all to bend in different directions? That’s pretty impressive!
“Oh, so your not going to kill me?” Stiles asks, seeming slightly disappointed, if you ask me.
Uncle Alpha, honestly, seems hurt by the notion that he would kill the most popular character on this show. “When are you going to realize that I’m not the bad guy here?”
“You turn into a giant monster, with red eyes and fangs, and YOU’RE not the bad guy?” Stiles quips. (LOVE HIM!)
“I’m just misunderstood.”
Though clearly played up for humor, this conversation actually brings up a good point about Uncle Alpha. I mean, of course, he’s the Bad Guy! How could a guy morph into something that looks that hideous and not be? And yet, Uncle Alpha is far from the one-note maniac with his heart set on World Domination that we so often see on these types of shows.
Much like the Argents (well, at least Papa Argent . . . there’s no accounting for Auntie Kate the Psychotic Werewolf Slayer), Uncle Alpha has a code to live by, and that code is Vengeance. All his actions throughout the season were geared toward attaining that goal. And while this doesn’t make his actions justifiable, it certainly gives him a valid, and somewhat relateable, motive for his crimes.
So, while WE view Uncle Alpha as a Bad Guy for what he did to Laura Hale . . .
You just don’t come back from something like this . . .
. . . and what he’s TRYING to do to Derek, Scott, and his friends, as viewers, we can definitely see why Uncle Alpha HIMSELF doesn’t see himself as a Bad Guy, but more as a victim, of sorts, turned renegade anti-hero.
In fact, to prove he’s “not a Bad Guy,” Uncle Alpha offers to repay Stiles for all his heart work and support, by BITING HIS ARM OFF!
“Does anybody have any butter?”
That’s right, boys and girls! Realizing that one of his packmembers is this uber sappy emo kid, who’s unhealthily obsessed with his girlfriend, Uncle Alpha has decided that it might not be such a bad idea to do a little additional pack recruiting. And he wants Stiles on his man-eating team.
Just as Derek did with Scott, during the Pilot episode, Uncle Alpha begins to sell Stiles on the joys of being a werewolf. Believe it or not, the “DO YOU WANT THE BITE?” scene was by far my favorite of the episode, and, considering this episode contained within it a heaping helping of Shirtless Derek, that’s saying A LOT!
“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?”
“You know, I bit Scott that night, because I needed a pack, but it could just as easily have been you . . . ” Uncle Alpha begins. (Well, that’s a new piece of information!) “If it doesn’t kill you, which it might . . . you will become like us . . . no more standing on the sidelines watching Scott grow stronger, and more popular . . . watching him get the girl. You two will be equals . . . maybe you’ll even more than that.”
This naughty little puppy is about to get a spanking.
One of the things that makes Uncle Alpha such an intriguing character, is that he is capable of SO much empathy, especially for a villain. (A quality which the female Auntie Kate, ironically seems to almost completely lack.) The reason why Uncle Alpha is so great at manipulating the other characters on this show, is that he has such a deep understanding of them.
He knows that Derek is primarily driven by his guilt over the pain of losing his family. He KNOWS that Scott would pretty much sell out his own mother to protect Allison. And he knows that Stiles, while being predominately driven by loyalty toward his friends, also deep down, must be feeling some resentment toward being forced to the sidelines, as the less intelligent, and less generous Scott is given the opportunity to shine with his newfound abilities, and new hot girlfriend.
You gotta admit, for a socially awkward high school kid, who’s best friend is already a werewolf, accepting Uncle Alpha’s offer sounds like a pretty good idea, don’t you think? (Just ask Jackson.)
“Please bite me in the ass. I’ll be your best friend!”
Stiles doesn’t say anything at first. He just sort of stands their gawking at Uncle Alpha, like he wants to make out with him, or something. Not one to stand on ceremony, Uncle Alpha grabs Stiles’ arm, and slowly lifts it toward his mouth. But Stiles snatches it back at the last second. “I don’t want to be like you,” Stiles hisses.
(I know it’s random, but I just couldn’t resist.)
Uncle Alpha doesn’t believe Stiles, because apparently his heart was beating faster, when he said the words, “I don’t want,” thereby signifying a lie.
I guess lie detection is another cool party trick werewolves can do! I don’t know, Stiles. It sounds like you are missing out.
Having had his “gift” denied, Uncle Alpha bids Stiles adieu, and heads off in Stiles’ jeep toward La Casa de Old and Decrepit, a.k.a. Derk Hales House . . .
Don’t Mess with Mama Argent!
Back at the Walmart of Guns, Papa Argent is reading Auntie Kate the riot act, for letting the cat out of the bag to Allison about the whole “werewolves exist, and we kill them” thing. (So, I guess this means Papa Argent didn’t expose Scott as a werewolf to Allison, on purpose?)
He’s beginning to question Auntie Kate’s real reasons behind returning to town, and whether she’s adhering to the code, considering she seemed so willing to put a teenager like Scott’s life at risk, even though he’s never spilled any blood, while in wolf form. (Well . . . except maybe Danny’s.)
How soon we forget!
You can tell that Papa Argent is already starting to piece things together, when he notes that Uncle Alpha only seems to be killing those individuals with some connection to the Hale fire. “Well, everyone always blamed us for that,” Kate argues. (UHH HUH! With good reason! Because YOU did it, B*tch!)
Why do I get this weird incestual vibe, everytime I watch these two interact on screen with one another?
Ultimately, Papa Argent punishes Auntie Kate for her insubordination, by benching her from the Game of Kill Alpha, and forcing her to take Allison out of town to ensure that she is safe from any possible retaliatory Alpha acts that might be made against her person, within the next couple of days. Auntie Kate reluctantly agrees, but she does so with a mishievous gleam in her eyes, that seems to suggest that she has other plans for her and Allison, ones that involve a bit less road tripping, and a bit more ass-kicking . . .
I would wipe that smirk off your face, if I were you. In about 15 minutes, you aren’t going to have a throat . . . or a working neck, for that matter.
Upstairs in Allison’s room, her mom is helping her to pack for her little “Please don’t kill me, Mean Werewolf,” excursion.
We’ve really only met mom once or twice this season. But we already know she’s a total WACKJOB, one that makes Auntie Kate look like a pussycat by comparison. (Who would have thought that scary Papa Argent, would end up being the most docile and relatable adult in this family?)
“Who you callin’ DOCILE?”
In addition to her severe haircut, and super frightening alien eyes, Allison’s mom is like a cross between a Stepford Wife, Mommy Dearest, the Wicked Queen in Snow White, and a rabid pitbull. During her scene with Allison she alternates from faux smiling and discussing the weather up north, and what Allison should wear, to screaming at her to keep quiet about all the family secret’s she’s recently learned. Mommy Dearest, indeed . . .
Gross Anatomy (No, really . . . that sh*t’s nasty.)
Just as Uncle Alpha had envisioned, Jackson retrieves Lifeless Lydia from the football field, and carries her back to school to get some help. She is promptly brought to the hospital where, according to the doctors, she seems to be having an allergic reaction of sorts to the bite she received.
“Don’t I look all pretty and angelic, in my hospital bed?”
Outside in the waiting area, Deputy Daddy gives Jackson a good ole’ TVD style wall slam, demanding to know exactly what happened to this teen, who was suppposedly Jackson’s girlfriend.
I suspect Jackson has a pretty good idea of precisely what happened to Lydia. But, of course, he passes the buck, telling Deputy Daddy that maybe he should ask HIS SON, since HE was Lydia’s actual date to the dance, not Jackson.
Now it’s Deputy Daddy’s turn to be near tears. “Somebody better find my song,” he whispers frantically, before finally letting Stiles go.
Entering the hospital with a creepy detached look in her eye is Allison, who’s walking through the hospital halls, like she’s a dude with a hard-on.
I didn’t know there were zombies on this show . . .
She immediately finds Lydia’s bed. And when she places her hand on the glass, Allison envisions Lydia, seizing violently, and shooting blood all across the room.
That was neat, Allison! I want to learn to do that!
Of course, when she removes her hand, Lydia goes back to normal, her bed just as white and pristine, as when the bedsheets were first washed. But hey, just because it was a hallucination on Allison’s part, didn’t make it any less nasty.
When Allison returns to the car, “supportive” Auntie Kate is right there waiting to give her a little snide, “I told you so.”
Why does this picture remind me of a poster for the direct-to-video sequel of Thelma and Louise?
According to Auntie Kate, this is what ALL werewolves do. “They just can’t help themselves . . . yes, even Scott.”
Oh, Auntie Kate, you Shameless Murderer of Young Love, you!
“DIE, ROMANCE, DIE!”
When Stiles finally arrives at the hospital, his father is clearly relieved to see him alive. But still . . . he has some SERIOUS explaining to do, about the whole, “leave your date in the middle of a field to die, after she was bit by . . . SOMETHING” thing. Nevertheless, Deputy Daddy has some important information to share with Stiles. Specifically, he tells him that the person who orchestrated the Hale fire was a woman, currently in her late 20’s wearing a very distinct necklace.
And that’s how Stiles FINALLY fingered Kate . . .
. . . wait . . . that didn’t come out right.
Of course, now that Stiles has returned, everyone seems to be looking for Scott. Deputy Daddy inquires as to his wereabouts, but both Stiles and Jackson remain mum. However, when Papa ARGENT, asks the same question, Jackson, who I will hereinafter refer to as the Little Weiner tha Couldn’t, or Little Weiner for short, cracks under the pressure. (SURPRISE!)
It’s time for more idle threats and wall slams! Yay!
“Pucker up, cutie pie!”
Papa Argent takes this captive audience opportunity to tell Stiles his furry little bedtime story, about the time he had to shoot his rabid werewolf, former best friend in the head. Stiles snarks that Papa should use better judgment selecting friends. Papa fires back, by forcing Stiles to recall the time he was forced to chain Scott to the radiator, during the whole Bad Scott Full Moon episode.
“Memories . . . like the corners of my mind. Misty water colored memmoriesssss, of the way we werreeee.”
In response, Stiles FINALLY lets Papa in on what we’ve known all along, that Auntie Kate was the one who broke the Hunter Bro Code to burn down the Hale House, all those years ago.
Annnnd the plot thickens . . .
Once Papa Argent is done man-handling the kiddies, Stiles and Jackson decide to head off in Stiles’ Porsche to go find Scott themselves, since they are both pretty sure, under the circumstances, that he is hanging out at La Casa de Old and Decrepit with Wolfman Derek.
Scott McCall to the Rescue (I guess there’s a first time for everything!)
We return to the dungeons to find Sexy Wolfman Derek still shirtless . . .
. . . and still being beaten by the Argent Enforcer, Mr. Clean . . . this time, with a bat.
I’ve never been so jealous of a bat before in my life . . .
Scott finds Derek by howling at the moon.
(Because that’s not cheesy at all.)
By the time Scott arrives, Derek has managed to remove enough of his chains to knock out the enforcer. Derek is pretty happy to see his fellow pack member.
“So, this one time . . . at band camp . . .”
But the pair seem to be at a bit of a standstill. You see, Derek wants Scott to help him out of his last restaints, but Scott wants Derek to promise to help Scott rescue Allison first. Having had his own . . . negative experiences with Argents during his teen years . . .
. . . Derek wants Scott to buck up and behave like a wolf. “You are 16-years old . . . you are not in love. You are a CHILD,” Derek growls, even though he can’t really be more than five years older than the “child,” himself.
But then Scott conveniently shows Derek the paper indicating that the Alpha, with the nurse’s help had lured Laura Hale into town to kill her, so that he could become the Alpha. And suddenly a vengeful Derek is right back on the “Help Scott, Save Allison, Kill Alpha Team.” He breaks out of the restraints himself, and the two betas make a run for it . . .
Nice Knowing Ya, Auntie Kate (Well . . . not really . . . but, you know . . .)
Derek and Scott are running around La Casa de Old and Decrepit, when Derek suddenly has the strangest feeling that they are being stalked. Scott suddenly decides to get all META, and tell Derek that by SAYING seems to easy, he’s pretty much GUARANTEEING that bad sh*t will go down.
“NOW, you tell me!”
Cue the entrance of Allison and Kate, and their weird weapons arsenal. Using her archery bow, Allison expertly hits Derek with two silver tipped arrows at Kate’s command.
“WOAH! How did THAT get there?”
She then blows up a tree near Scott to blind and incapacitate him.
Cue the Bad Ass Female Music, as the two women walk in slow mo toward their prey. A whiny squinty Scott continues to proclaim to an angry Allison that despite pretty much lying to her for 11 episodes straight, he really does love her, and has only been trying to protect her this entire time. Kate interrupts this sweet heartfelt moment to tell Allison that it’s time to kill the Betas. Naive Allison is SHOCKED at this suggestion. “I thought you just wanted to catch them,” she exclaims.
Really Allison? Have you met Kate the WEREWOLF SLAYER? Have you been watching the same show we have? Then Kate shoots Derek in the stomach WITH A GUN to prove she’s serious . . .
Then, before Allison can scream “SCOOOOOOOOOT,” she pushes her own niece out of the way, and prepares to put a bullet in our heroes brain.
It’s PAPA ARGENT to the rescue? He reminds Kate that shooting teens is not acceptable. She has gone against the code for the last time. “Put the gun down, or I will put you down,” he threatens, holding a gun in his sister’s face.
(Now don’t you wish you could put THAT sentiment on a Hallmark card for YOUR sister’s birthday?)
This little Fun Family Moment, is interrupted by the ominous opening of the door to La Casa de Old and Decrepit. Scott’s eyes begin to glow. “It’s the Alpha,” he snarls.
Suddenly, the Alpha is circling the Argents at top speed, knocking them to the ground, one by one. It’s pretty darn hilarious, I have to say, particularly when he does it to Allison. (Yes, I’m a total b*tch, I know.) Saving the best for last, he grabs Auntie Kate, and breaks her arm, causing her to drop her only weapon. He then throws her into the Hale House.
Oh, it’s ON!
Allison runs into the house, frantic to save her Aunt, who the Alpha now has by the neck.
Cutest Couple EVER!
For the first time, Auntie Kate looks scared, and vulnerable. She’s no dummy, and knows the end is near for her. Uncle Alpha remarks that Allison and Kate look a lot alike, only Allison is less damaged. (Something tells me, she won’t be “less damaged” for much longer, after witnessing this!) Uncle Alpha then tearfully asks Kate to apologize for killing his entire family. Kate rasps out a sorry. But Uncle Alpha breaks her neck, and rips out her throat, anyway, as Allison looks on in horror.
“I don’t know about you, but that apology didn’t sound very sincere to me,” Uncle Alpha snarls. (You have to admit, he has a point.)
Then the Alpha lunges for Allison. But ta-da! It’s a wolfy Scott and Derek to the rescue. Scott growls for Allison to run. It’s GO TIME!
Werewolf Showdown (Cue the bad CGI Graphics!)
As Uncle Alpha’s face gets all stretchy, weird and Alpha like . . .
This gives the term facelift a whole new meaning . . .
However, Scott and Derek dominate the human transformer, by kicking him, punching him, and doing back flips and karate chops on him. But when Uncle Alpha morphs into his full Alpha mode. All bets are off, and the playing field is no longer even. Uncle Alpha then easily incapacitates Derek for like the 80th time this episode, and stalks out toward the humans, who are waiting for him outside
Rock on, Scooby Gang!
Stiles and Jackson arrive on the scene, just as Uncle Alpha is running through the door.
Though I’m not sure when they had time to make them, each is carrying a Molotov Cocktail. Stiles throws his first. And, in an echo to the “Night School” episode, the Alpha catches it . . .
Chug a Lug, Alpha!
. . . except THAT time the Cocktail was made wrong. This time, it was made CORRECTLY. Thinking fast, Scott throws Allison her crossbow, and she shoots an arrow through the Cocktail, causing it and Uncle Alpha to burst into flames.
“Stop, drop and ROLL, Alpha!”
Jackson then throws HIS Molotov Cocktail to fuel the fire, and Scott needlessly . . . but I guess the writers needed him to do SOMETHING finishes Uncle Alpha off, by kicking him into a nearby tree (Honestly, I’m not sure how he managed to not get burned doing that, but OK.)
The Alpha falls to the ground, looking pretty darn dead. But shockingly he’s not. Cue Derek’s triumphant exit from La Casa de Rich and Decrepit. He walks toward the prone Alpha like a man on a mission.
Scott warns Derek, that if HE kills the Alpha, Scott’s final chance at a cure for his werewolfism is pretty much shot. But Derek isn’t exactly in the mood to listen to reason. He leans over the Alpha, with vengeance in his eyes. “You’ve already made your decision,” rasps the dying, groteque-looking Uncle Alpha. “I can smell it on you,” he concludes, his eyes glowing red for the last time.
And the Derek does it. Using his nails, he takes a big swipe out of Uncle Alpha’s neck, ripping his throat out, just as the Alpha had done to Auntie Kate, moments ago.
His eyes immediately glow red, and his voice starts to get that creepy echo to it. “I’m the Alpha now,” he says triumphantly.
YEAH, YOU ARE!
Amidst all this (Because seeing people with their throats ripped out is SUCH a turn on!), Allison crawls over to Scott, and starts making out with his wolf face. The effect of Allison’s saliva, de-wolf’s Scott. “What did you do that for?” He inquires.
“Because I love you and I really don’t give a sh*t that my favorite Aunt just died, or that I killed someone, and will, therefore, probably be traumatized for the rest of my life,” Allison replies.
Allison, you DOG F*CKER, YOU!
Cue the schmoopy music. OK, I’m officially gagging now . . .
Lydia’s a WHAT??!
After all is said and done, Scott and Stiles sneak back into the hospital to look in on a resting Lydia. After shutting the creakiest door on the planet behind them . . .
“I really shouldn’t have eaten those beans, before killing the Alpha. WOW!”
. . . the besties examine her wounds, and find, to their shock and awe, that they did not heal, as Scott’s did. This means that Lydia is NOT a werewolf, but . . . wait for it . . . SOMETHING ELSE.”
“Seriously! Her hair is perfect! How did she do that? She must be an ALIEN from Planet Good Hair.”
The Aftermath . . .
The episode ends with the Argents announcing that they have rallied the hunter troops to avenge Auntie Kate’s death, and deal with whatever werewolfy problem is on the horizon for them.
Apparently, having one of their own publicly admonished for KILLING AN ENTIRE FAMILY, including a bunch of innocent kids, is going to make the Argents unpopular in town. WHO KNEW?
Allison doesn’t care though, she’s cuddling on the roof with Scott. PUSH THEM OFF! SOMEONE PLEASE PUSH THEM OFF! Looking out at the stars . . . and the Full Moon.
QUICK! STRANGLE HER! NO ONE WILL KNOW!
Wait, what? How is Scott human, during a full moon? Is it because Allison is KEEPING him that way WITH HER LOVE (blech!), or does it have something to do with Scott’s “maker’s” death. Only time will tell . . .
In the final scene of the episode, MORON Jackson returns to La Casa de Old and Decrepit to ONCE AGAIN beg NEW ALPHA DEREK to make him into a wolf . . .
And there you have it folks, an admittedly predictable, but definitely game-changing end to a surprisingly well-written and acted show’s freshman first season. So, now it’s your turn, Werebangers! What did you think of the finale? Was it all you hoped it would be?
Did you correctly guess: Which two characters would die? Who would turn into a wolf? Who would make out under the stars, while nauseatingly cheesy music blasted in the background?
Drop me a line in the comment section, and let me know!
(P.S. In closing, I just want to say that I’ve had such a great time talking Teen Wolf with all of you, this season! So, to all you brilliant commenters, and loyal lurkers, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing this surprisingly fun and entertaining show with me. I look forward to doing it all over again with you guys, next summer!)
AUNTIE KATE: “Come on, Werewolf! Show me your teeth . . . like in the Lady Gaga song!”
ALLISON: “Really Kate? You’ve got this hot specimen of man meat in front of you, and HIS MOUTH is the first thing you want to unzip pop open? Are you sure we’re really related?”
How’s it hanging, Werebangers? This is sure shaping up to be one heck of a season finale, isn’t it? After weeks of speculation, and analysis, the Teen Wolf writers FINALLY seem to be giving us answers to the burning questions we’ve been asking ourselves all season.
And what better backrop for those jawdropping reveals than a High School Dance? (Well, in truth, some of those reveals came about in a vet’s office, a mall, a warehouse torture chamber, a football field, inside a bus, and in the creepy forest, but still . . .)
So, ramp up your car to 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone, let the Alpha help you pick out your pretty little dress, and give your gay best friend a big manly hug, because it’s time to get this recap started . . .
(Once again, a big round of wolfy applause to my pal Andre, for the spectacular screencaps you see here. I couldn’t have done it without you, Mister!)
Rattling the Cages . . .
“Sorry about the chains, and the electric shocks, Derek. These days, this is the only way I can get men to sleep with me.”
“Formality” begins right where “Co-Captain” left off (well, actually, it begins a few hours after that time, but Allison conveniently “flashes back” for us, to fill in the blanks). As a tearful Allison is cruising through Beacon Hills in the rain . . .
“Does this camera angle make my face look fat?”
. . . she recalls Auntie Kate using poor Wolfed-Out (and deliciously shirtless) Derek as a science experiment in electrical conduction . . .
“How dry I am. How wet, I’ll be. If I don’t find . . . the bathroom key . . .”
We see a Crazy-Eyed Auntie Kate gleefully describing the Family Business, as Allison looks on in disgust and horror. Auntie Kate clearly never took a marketing class, because she SUCKS at selling her niece on the job of werewolf hunting. For example, coldly telling Allison that she sees Derek as nothing more than an animal, is a REALLY stupid thing to say to Allison . . . the girl who rescued a stray dog she accidentally hit with her car . . . a girl who wrote Peta about her father’s “accidental shooting” of a mountain lion. Allison is CLEARLY an animal lover . . . just ask Scott . . .
Auntie Kate’s tactics of persuasion improve slightly, when she plays the “I can make you feel strong and powerful,” card, and the “Your parents thought you were too immature and weak to know about this, but I think you can handle it. Because I believe in you,” card.
These statements make Allison at least a little bit intrigued about what happens next. “So, what do I do now?” She inquires. “Go to the dance, and act like a normal teenage girl. Because after that . . you are going to help me catch the Second Beta.”
Wait . . . the Second Beta? But that’s Scott!
UH OH! I smell trouble . . .
If at First You Get a Speeding Ticket, Cry, Cry Again . . .
“I swear, Officer. I haven’t been drinking. It’s just that I have this werewolf in my basement, being electrocuted, as we speak. Surely, you understand.”
Back in “Present Day,” Allison is out on the road in the rain, having a Mini Meltdown over the information she just received, when Papa Stiles pulls her over for going 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone IN THE RAIN. The fact that Allison is bawling her eyes out, and having a major mental meltdown, right there in the car, clearly gives Papa Stiles a hard-on softens Papa Stiles’ heart, while keeping her from getting the speeding ticket she SO richly deserves right now.
“I also think she’s kind of sexy. Shhhh. Don’t tell Stiles.”
I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t tried this particular method of “Speeding Ticket” evasion. After all, what good is being a member of the “fairer sex,” if you can’t use that fact to your advantage, somehow? And yes, it works . . . just in case you happened to be curious . . . it works like a charm.
Coincidentally, so does THIS . . . not that I would know from personal experience.
Allison starts nuttily babbling on about how she’s “not like this,” and that she’s “strong,” and “should definitely get a ticket.” By the time Allison is done with Poor Papa Stiles, he barely remembers his own name, let alone Allison’s specific infraction(s). In fact, Allison’s SO DAMN GOOD AT THIS, that she somehow manages to get Papa Stiles to BEG her not to have to give her a ticket. Now, THAT’s what I’m talking about! Way to go, Allison!
“I know . . . I’m awesome.”
With Papa Stiles out of earshot, a mask of calm falls over Allison’s face, and a nefarious glint appears in her eye. “I’m OK,” she says to herself, and as if to prove it, we get to see her SHOOT AN ARROW UP POOR DEREK HALE’S NOSE . . . well, at least the artist-sketched poster picture of his nose.
“She shoots . . .”
“. . . she SCORES!”
(That’s NOT cool, Allison. I don’t think we can be friends, anymore.)
Meanwhile, Scott is shirtless (SURPRISE!), and still being felt up by That Veterinarian Everyone Used to Think Was the Alpha . . .
Beware of Alpha’s carrying wooden desks . . .
VET: “You’re obviously feeling lightheaded, from all the bloodloss. You should lie back down, and take off your pants. You will feel better.”
SCOTT: “What does taking off my pants have to do with it?”
VET: “Well, that would make ME feel better . . .”
Our first big reveal of the hour happens in Scott’s pants inside the vets office, where Uncle Alpha has come looking to “pick up” some precious shirtless cargo.
Uncle Alpha’s inquiry seems consistent with those viewers who assumed that the vet was in league with the Big Bad Werewolf, and somehow, doing his bidding. However, the vet’s response to Uncle Alpha smashes THAT theory to bits. Rising to eye-level with the Beast, Vet Man fixes his steely gaze on the villain, and tells him, in no uncertain terms that he will NOT deliver Scott to him.
*sings* “I’m sorry that you . . . seem to be confused . . . he belongs to me . . . THE BOY IS MINE!”
Uncle Alpha then attempts to threaten Vet Man, by showing some claw. However, Vet Man is two steps ahead of him. Apparently, the gate between the entrance way and Vet Man’s office is either made with, or been covered by, “mountain ash,” which keeps werewolves in their human form. Nice move, Vet Dude!
Of course, the absolute COOLEST part of the scene comes when Uncle Alpha lifts up a desk, and THROWS it right at the vet’s stomach, only to find that his body can perfectly deflect the impact, a la Superman!
He has a stomach of steel . . . he neuters your pets., with a single pluck . . . they won’t even feel it, when he shoots them in the ass with a rabies shot. He’s . . . VET MAN!
“Rats! Foiled Again!”
In case you’ve been counting, that’s Vet Man: 3, Alpha: 0. Three strikes, and your OUT! Don’t let the door hit you, where the Good Lord split you . . . Of course, Uncle Alpha has a few choice words for Scott, before he leaves the vets office for good. Uncle Alpha wants his pack minion to know that if he doesn’t straighten up, and fly right, the Alpha will . . . wait for it . . . KILL ALLISON!
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . . wait . . . why am I still holding his key?”
Later, back at Scott’s house . . .
Well, Well, Well . . . Look Who’s FINALLY decided to play hero . . .
“This sounds like a job for . . . NON DOUCHEY SCOTT!”
Oh, Scottiepoo! For 10 episodes, you’ve pretty much walked around with your head up your ass . . . ignoring your wolfy responsibilities, while your smarter (Stiles) and hotter stronger (Derek) friends, did your dirty work for you.
Now, all the sudden, the finale is here, and you realize that, if you want to make your character likeable for Season 2, he’s going to have to stop thinking about how to please his weiner all the time, and START kicking ass, and taking names . . .
“Hi, my name is Scott. What’s yours?”
In this scene we find Scott and Stiles searching in vain for Scott’s ever-elusive cell phone. (Dude! The things been taken from you and/or broken about twelve times since the series began. It’s time to cut your losses, and invest in an iPhone. Or better yet, just HOWL. Trust me, your friends (all two of them) will hear you!
SCOTT: “Allison? Are you down here?”
STILES: “I thought you were looking for your phone?”
SCOTT: “Yeah, but it’s been about 30 seconds since I said the word ‘Allison.’ I’m starting to go through withdrawal symptoms.”
Scott frantically tells Stiles that they have to find and rescue Derek. In an intriguing reversal of roles, it is now the normally self-sacrificing Stiles who instructs Scott to just let Poor Derek rot away in that hunter warehouse (or should I say were-house). Stiles reminds Scott that, just last week, Derek seemed pretty intent on killing BOTH Jackson and Scott. However, I think the REAL reason Stiles doesn’t want Derek rescued, is that he’s jealous because Danny finds “Miguel” more attractive than Stiles of Derek’s hot abs. (OK . . . no . . . I don’t ACTUALLY think that. But, whatever . . .)
(That lame joke was just an excuse to use this GIF again . . .Oh, and while we’re at it . . .)
Sorry . . . I just couldn’t resist.
Scott, who is “connected” to Derek, through the whole “Pack Thing,” explains to Stiles that Derek wasn’t REALLY trying to kill anybody. Rather, he was attempting to protect Scott, and, by extension, Jackson, from both the Hunters, and the Alpha. Outside, Scott overhears his mother in her car leaving a rather clingy stalkerish message on Alpha’s answering machine.
“Hi Uncle Alpha. This is Desperation calling. Please arrange another date with me, or I will be forced to do naughty things with my son’s lacrosse stick.”
Geez! Given how creepy and cold the Alpha seemed on the “couple’s” first date, Mommy McCall must be REAL hard up for some loving to want a little Alpha in her! And, perhaps because she realizes that this, is in fact, the case, she proceeds to burst into tears.
(What . . . is there a “crying in cars” theme to this week’s episode, about which I am unaware?)
Stiles instructs Scott that he can’t protect ANYONE, because he’s pretty much a selfish turd, who only cares about keeping Allison safe, and can give two figs about anyone else everyone.
“I have to,” says Scott “bravely.”
Is Scott’s new foray into Superhero-dom too little, too late? Only time will tell . . .
Meanwhile, back in Auntie Kate’s Torture Chamber / Were-house / S&M Pleasure Dome . . .
“Is that your tongue on my stomach, or are you just happy to see me?”
OH Derek, you can ravage me with those, “I want to murder you, in your sleep” eyes ANYDAY (and twice on Sunday!) . . .
The episode’s second big reveal, happens during the S&M Scene between Derek and Kate. More and more, each week, Auntie Kate seems to prove what a ridiculously evil nutball she actually is . . . Now we see her holding Derek’s New York drivers license to his face, and telling him to smile more. (I don’t know, Auntie Kate. I kind of prefer my Derek mad and pouty, thank you very much!)
By the way, can anyone make out the Birth Year on Derek’s license? I’m guessing it’s either 86, 88, or 89 . . .
When Derek remarks that he would very much like to kick Auntie Kate in the face, the wackadoodle somehow interprets this as a COME ON.
All the sudden, Auntie Kate wants to reminisce about all the “Fun Times” she and Derek had together. “You mean when you burned down my house, and killed my entire family?” Derek asks angrily.
“I was thinking more of the really hot, and crazy sex we used to have!” Kate responds.
That’s right, Werebangers! As many of us suspected, Kate and Derek used to do the DEED together, back in the day. What we DIDN’T know was that, much like with the Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher, Kate played Derek (who must have been underage at the time) like a fiddle, to get what she wanted from him namely, to have her brains f*&ked out of her : information as to the whereabouts of the rest of his were family. So now, not only does Derek feel responsible for his own family’s demise, and the rise of Uncle Alpha. He’s also suffering from a Broken Heart. I mean, he actually fell in love with this Crazy B*tch!
(By the way, Vampire Diaries’ fans, does this scenario REMIND you of anybody, in particular?)
“Kiss me, or kill me, Damon. Which will it be?”
(Special thanks to East Coast Captain, for this parallel. Though HE used Stefan and Katherine in HIS example . . .)
Having been given this information, I now feel like I have so much more insight into Derek’s character, and why he is the way he is: i.e. uncommonly broody, unsmiling, not particularly trusting of others, and, perhaps, most importantly, perpetually single, despite looking like THIS . . .
Another aspect of Derek’s character that makes a lot more sense now, is his broken-record insistence that Scott break all ties with Allison. Contrary to popular belief, he’s not saying those things to be a cockblock! He simply doesn’t want Scott to make the same mistakes that HE DID, by giving his trust, and his heart to a Were-Hunter, only to eventually have both irretrievably ripped from his chest!
Unfortunately, just as us Werebangers are putting the puzzle pieces together, so is Auntie Kate. And it is by using the above-reference that KATE finally figures out that the second Beta is not Jackson at all, but, rather Scott.
Uh Oh . . .
Before our brains can fully process all the information we’ve just been given, those PERVS over in the Teen Wolf writing department treat us to the sexiest, raunchiest, and arguably most disturbing example of foreplay, I’ve seen in a while. I mean, I definitely needed a cold shower after watching this, both to water down my raging hormones, and to wash that dirty feeling off of me.
In the scene, Auntie Kate decides to torture a handcuffed, electroshocked, sweaty and shirtless Derek (who, thankfully, is back in his sexy human form), by licking his stomach, starting in the crotch area, and slowly working her way up to his neck.
Tyler Hoechlin plays the scene brilliantly, as someone who’s overcome with hatred for his torturer, but who can’t help but become aroused by what she’s doing to him, and the memory it undoubtedly evokes in both his psyche and his . . . um . . . yahoo place. 🙂
Derek’s fangs come out, in the werewolf (and vampire form of an erection), as he bucks and grunts, tears filling his eyes, trying to keep his body from having its natural response to being licked. His face turns down toward the Evil Auntie Kate, and he has to fight the urge to kiss her, with all his might. The humilation and emasculation he is undoubtedly feeling in this very moment, is far worse than any physical pain Auntie Kate can inflict on Derek. And, of course, PHYSICAL PAIN is about to become an issue, as well . . .
Once Auntie Kate has had her way with Derek, she sicks Mr. Clean, “The Enforcer” on his ass . . .
Speaking of pain, ever since he and Allison have “broken up,” Creeper Scott has apparently taken to sitting on her roof, and watching her sleep. Now, if you asked him about this, he’d probably say he’s just “keeping her safe.” But really, he’s just being icky. Seeing him there, I also couldn’t help but wonder whether Allison’s Wet Scott Dreams were more based in reality than I had initially thought.
Nevertheless, when Scott dozed off, and fell off the roof, I left my ass off, because dude DESERVED IT, BIG TIME, as far as I was concerned.
I mean, I don’t care how attracted I am to a person, I REALLY don’t want them watching me sleep from my window. It’s probably not a pretty sight . . .
Also, HOW THE HECK do Allison’s parents NOT KNOW that there’s a DUDE ON THEIR ROOF, EVERY NIGHT? Hunters FAIL!
“DO IT, for Allison!”
We are treated to yet another locker room scene in this episode . . .
Unfortunately, this time, everyone seems to be wearing a disappointing amount of clothing . . .
During this scene, Coach Cupcake confirms our suspicions that Scott is a Mental Midget, because he’s failing two classes, and doing fairly lousy in all his other ones. Normally, coaches pad good athletes grades to make sure they don’t flunk out bad grades like Scott’s would spell an end to his lacrosse career. However, Coach Cupcake has brokered a compromise: Scott can stay on the team, provided he misses the school dance. Really? THAT’S A COMPROMISE? Sounds like Scott got off kind of easy to me.
Of course, to Scott, the idea of not being able to use the school dance as an opportunity to get back inside the Argent pantalones is a fate worse than DEATH! Worried for Allison’s safety from a hungry vengeance-seeking Alpha, Scott approaches Jackson, and asks HIM to take Allison to the dance in his place.
“What’s the matter, Jackson? Got a bad case of deja vu?”
My first thought, of course, was, Why not just ask Stiles to do it? After all, he is ALWAYS RIGHT!
I suspect one of the purposes of this episode was to make Jackson seem as patently unlikeable as possible. Otherwise, I’m a bit confused by his reaction to this request. I mean, I get that Jackson was only seducing Allison to get under Scott’s skin. But, really . . . Jackson is a heterosexual (maybe?) teenage boy, and Allison’s a HOT GIRL, who’s not a total b*tch. Plus, he genuinely did seem to like her, at least as a friend, during some of the earlier episodes.
And yet, by the way Jackson reacted to Scott’s request, you would think he was asking him to insert a claw down his throat . . . oh wait . . . he already did that. 😉
In fact, Scott actually has to WOLF OUT on Jackson to get him to agree to take Allison to the dance. Weird . . .
The scene ends with a Bromantic Stiles and Scott moment, in which Stiles eagerly agrees to help the poverty striken Scott somehow find clothing and a ride to a dance he’s not allowed to attend, even though there will be lots of people there who would like to see him dead. All together now: Maybe Jackson had a point, when he said that these two should screw eachother AWWWW!
Thank you Macy’s, for your SUPER SUBTLE Product Placement . . .
After last week, when Allison not-so-subtly threatened Lydia with her archery skills, and massive weapons arsenal, the stuffy red head decided she better do something to get herself back into Allison’s good graces, after making out with her “ex” boyfriend, and FAST. Lydia’s solution: buy Allison a dress for the school dance.
Sounds like a pretty good apology, right? But Allison wants MORE. She wants Lydia to change her date to the formal from Random Extra Dude to This GUY! (YIPPEE)
It’s interesting that Lydia doesn’t make any mention at all of the fact that Allison is attending the dance with HER ex-boyfriend, who she is clearly not yet over. I mean, on one hand, her previous actions, put her not really in the place to say anything. On the other hand, wouldn’t THIS already make them even, without the dress and the date change. Not that I’m complaining, of course. As you know, I love me some Liles (Stydia?).
Somehow, Allison finds herself separated from Lydia and Stiles. So, of course, the minute she’s alone, a leering Uncle Alpha makes his appearance. (Honestly, this part was kind of lame. I mean, even if Scott and the rest of the Scooby Gang DIDN’T find Allison, Uncle Alpha REALLY wasn’t going to be able to do her any harm, in this crowded of a place. Then again, maybe he was just doing this to prove a point. More on that later . . .)
By the way, WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH UNCLE ALPHA’S HAIR?
Anywhoo, apparently, Uncle Alpha is the Tim Gunn of Teen Wolf, because he had all these random fashion tips for Allison about what dress would best suit her coloring.
“Make it work, Allison!”
Uncle Alpha can be pretty darn persuasive, when he wants to be (even without wolf pack mind control powers). And Allison ultimately selects the silver dress the costume department Uncle Alpha chose for her, instead of the darker colored one she had originally chosen. Oddly enough, Lydia goes with a silvery dress too, which you would think she would avoid at all costs, so as not to look like she had coordinated dresses with Allison, but . . . whatever.
Long story short, Scott sees Uncle Alpha making a move on his girl, and just like he did with his mom before him, Scott stages a distraction, in the form of having her car towed, to get her out of harms way. Uncle Alpha repeats that he is impressed with Scott’s “dedication to the cause.” However, he reminds Scottipoo that “he can’t be everywhere all the time.” As I suggested in an earlier paragraph, I’m pretty sure that Uncle A’s accosting Allison in the mall, was meant more to prove the above point, than to do anything more harmful to her person.
“Go out and get yourself laid, Son! (At least ONE person in this family should be getting some.)
“Well, at least it’s easy access.”
Back at the McCall crib, Scott has found himself a natty, ill-shapen ripped up suit to wear to the dance. Mama McCall (who never offered to buy her son a suit) makes up for this infraction, somewhat, by offering to sew up this ugly one for him. While she does this, she wonders out loud why Scott didn’t just find another dance partner, after Allison dumped his ass. (Of course, Mommy McCall has NO idea that Scott isn’t allowed to be attending the dance AT ALL, let alone with a DATE.)
In a scene that was equal parts sweet, nauseating, and WAY TOO LONG for my taste, Mommy encourages Scotty Dearest to tell Allison that he loves her, before it’s too late. Yes, Mommy McCall, because HIGH SCHOOL is all about finding “The One.” Drunken flings, and random hook-ups, be DAMNED! That being said, I very much approved of Mommy McCall telling her son not to be a dumbass. Truer words were never spoken.
Good Ole, Danny! (He’s one of the Best Looking Plot Devices I’ve Ever Seen . . .)
I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . .
Outside in the parking lot, Jackson is in his car, drinking from a flask, because apparently he needs to be wasted to go to a dance with a hottie like Allison. (Seriously, what the f*&k is wrong with this douchebag? What the writers are doing with this character is stretching the realms of believeability . . .) Realizing that Jackson’s going to be about as much fun as root canal, Allison steps out of the car, and smiles broadly, when she sees Scott running across the roof of the school. And suddenly all the lame, random, plot driven reasons why she dumped him are all is forgiven, between them. After all, it could be worse, she could be dating JACKSON.
Somebody who WANTS to be dating Jackson very badly is Lydia, who seems more than a bit distracted when the goofy but adorable Stiles, opens the passenger side door of his jeep, allowing her to practically fall out of it. When Jackson all but ignores Lydia in the parking lot, she is crushed. Fortunately, sweetheart Stiles is there to tell her how pretty she looks in her Allison look-alike dress . . .
At the dance, an awesome song is playing that I will be downloading onto my iPod, as soon as I finish writing this recap, thank you very much! It is called “Just a Little Bit,” by Kids of 88, and it’s pretty awesome.
Scott enters the dance, only to find himself cornered by BOTH Coach Cupcake, and Uncle Alpha at the SAME TIME. (OK, who the f*&k let Uncle Alpha into the dance? Because that’s the oldest looking 16-year old I’ve ever seen!)
Guess he didn’t like that, huh?
I usually make fun of Scott’s idiocy, but I have to say, that his impromptu “dance with Danny,” in order to prevent Coach Cupcake from publicly kicking him out of the dance (He would have looked like a total homophobe, and probably got sued, or fired, if he did.) was pretty inspired thinking.
“May I cut in?”
And, of course, once again, Danny gets used and abused as the Gay Plot Device. Here’s hoping Ole Danny Boy gets some storylines of his own, next season, because he seems pretty cool. (And so does his hot boyfriend, for that matter. . . )
Dance Until You Die?
Since neither Jackson nor Lydia seem interested in dancing, both Allison and Stiles must engage in a little creative persuasion to get their respective dates onto the dance floor. My favorite of the two, not surprisingly, was Stiles, who was TOTALLY channeling early Season 1 Seth Cohen, when he told Lydia to “get off her cute little ass and dance with him,” since he “had a crush on her since the third grade,” and “is the only one who knows how truly smart she is.”
As if all that wasn’t adorable enough, Stiles tells Lydia that he suspects she will get a Nobel Prize for solving some complex Mathematical Equation. And she corrects him, by noting that she will be getting a Fields Price, not a Nobel. The two slow dance together, for a while. And Lydia, actually seems fairly into it, with her head tucked carefully into the crook of the not-so-tall Stiles’ neck.
Unfortunately, Lydia can’t help but notice that Jackson has wandered off. Stiles senses her concerns and agrees to accompany her, while she searches for him, to make sure he’s OK.
It’s actually kind of sad, because Lydia does TRULY seem to love and care about Jackson. However, he’s way too shallow, and into himself, to ever genuinely return those feelings. Once again, Team Liles for Season 2! (Assuming Lydia makes it there alive.)
While the rest of the gang is outside, doing productive things, Scott and Allison are dancing close together. He finally admits that he loves her, and, blah, blah, blah lkjfslkjfsldkfjs;lkj . . . that was my head hitting the keyboard, because I just fell asleep typing these last two sentences . . .
Scott tries to talk to Allison about the whole Werewolf & Werehunter / Romewolf & Juliet Thing, but Allison, who is determined to enjoy her last few hours as a “normal teenage girl” (whatever that is), doesn’t really want to hear it . . .
Out in the creepy forest, a drunken Jackson weebles and wobbles (but doesn’t fall down). In the distance he sees two familiar red orbs, that he assumes are the eyes of the Alpha.
“I SEE YOU!”
In a truly pathetic moment, Jackson prostrates himself on the ground, begging the Alpha to “Become like [him].” (By the way, was anybody else hoping he’d get EATEN in this scene? Because I sure was!)
Alas, the red orbs didn’t come from a hungry Alpha ready to eat Jackson, they were from the Papa Argent and his hunter’s infrared flashlights. “I’m sorry. I can’t give you what you want,” Papa Argent tells a sniveling Jackson. “But maybe you can help me.”
“You should have seen what a moron you looked like out there. That was HILARIOUS!”
Within minutes, Jackson sings like a canary, giving Scott up as the second Beta. (Of course, Auntie Kate figured this out HOURS ago. However, apparently she has been keeping her S&M games with Derek a secret from the rest of the Hunters, and they have NO idea, where she is, or what she is up to . . .)
Elsewhere, Lydia rushes to the football field in search of Jackson, but finds Uncle Alpha, and his razor sharp teeth, instead. Stiles screams for her to run, but it is too late.
She is bitten . . . A LOT, and falls unconscious.
“What are you talking about Stiles? There’s nobody behind me!”
Uncle Alpha promises not to kill her (though from the looks of next week’s promo, he may have already . . . unless she’s been TURNED), provided Stiles inform him where Derek is. Stiles, honestly, has no clue where Sexy McWolf is hiding. However, he cleverly reasons, that Derek knew he would be captured at La Casa de Old and Decrepit, which was why he stole Scott’s cell phone. Since all cell phones have GPS, Uncle Alpha can use this feature to track Derek to the hunters lair, which, of course, is EXACTLY what Auntie Kate wants . . . aside from more Derek lollipop licks, of course.
If This Bus is a Rockin’ . . .
Elsewhere, Scott and Allison have stopped dancing. And Allison gets the SUPER TACKY idea that Scott should screw her on a school bus . . . nevermind that some dude DIED ON THERE, a few weeks back. School buses are ROMANTIC! What with those super comfy green seats, and the omnipresent smell of teenage body odor, intermingled with rotten lunch? Who wouldn’t want to bone on a school bus?
Anywhoo, Allison rushes onto the bus, and motions for Scott to follow. But, just when he is about to do so, Papa Argent and the other hunters come at him, in their cars at full speed from all sides.
“Go Speed Argent, GO!”
Scott has nowhere to run, and Allison is certain that he will be squished like a bug.
Instead, he jumps on top of the cars, wolfing out right in front of Allison for the first time, just as Papa Argent suspected he would. Allison looks horrified.
Wolf Scott looks sad.
“To Be Continued” appears on the screen . . .
Oh the humanity of cliffhangers!
Next week’s trailer promises a major death, and a major werewolf transformation. Personally, I would LOVE to see Lydia turn werewolf. Because wouldn’t that just TOTALLY dust Jackson’s doilies?
“Wahhh! Why couldn’t it be MEEEEEE?”
Also, I REALLY don’t want her to die, because I’m eager to see how her relationship with Stiles plays out in Season 2 . . . 😉
As for major deaths, my money is on either Papa Argent or Auntie Kate. Jackson is a possibility too, of course, but that might slice the “young cast” down too much for fans’ taste. And besides, we wouldn’t get to see nearly as much of Danny, if his best friend croaked, now would we?’
(Plus, then we would never be able to answer the burning question of whether he finds Stiles attractive!)
So, now I turn the proverbial microphone over to you, Werebangers! What did you think of “Formality?” Was it everything you wanted it to be? What’s on your wish list for Part II? And who are your choices to win the awards for Newest Werewolf and Deadest Cast Member, respectively. Sound off in the comment section, if you DARE!
To be perfectly honest, I was a little skeptical coming into this episode. After all, we spent Episode 1 through 9 speculating as to the Alpha’s identity. And now that Episode 10 is here, that question has already been answered. I worried that with the Big Mystery out of the way, the final three episodes of Teen Wolf would end up being a bit . . . how do I put this kindly . . . anti-climactic.
Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about. Though “Co-Captain” was a bit disjointed for my taste (and I really could have done without all the hippy folk music that played in the background, everytime Scott and Allison reunited), it absolutely held my interest, answered a lot of lingering questions I had about the series, and ended on a MAJOR cliffhanger that left me “hungry” for more.
So, pour your dad an extra tumblr of whiskey, ship your mom off on her date with the Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killer, and lock that guy (or girl) you’ve been crushing on in the basement, so he (or she) can’t escape, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . . .
(Once again, special thanks to my good pal, Andre, for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)
Oh no, Scott! Your recently washed body is now rolling around on the dirty boy’s locker room floor! I guess it’s time for yet another shower, huh? 😉
With all the drama of the Big Alpha Reveal, I almost completely forgot that “Wolf’s Bane” ended with a lacrosse game! Thank you, writers for not forcing me to actually watch it reminding me. Of course, Beacon Hills won (Don’t they always?). And now, thanks to the “excellent leadership” of Co-Captains, Douchey Mc Doucheybag and Scott the Crying Wolf, the team has advanced all the way to the State competition!
(Either that, or THIS guy has some strange disease that forces him to spout out random words, over and over again, ad nauseam, until someone beats the sh*t out of him, for being so annoying . . .)
Scott doesn’t seem quite as excited as his teammates by the victory. After all, this Teen Wolf has bigger fish to fry. There’s an Evil Alpha on the loose, and he hasn’t heard from his bestie, Stiles, in HOURS! But, then of course, Allison shows up with her blinky doe eyes, and her “MY HERO!” flirtations. And suddenly, Scott is like “Stiles who?”
Allison: “Dude, what’s more important? The fact that your best friend might be dead, or the fact that I am wearing a really low cut shirt, that allows you a nifty little peek at my boobies?”
Scott: “Is this a trick question?”
Was it just me, or did Allison kind of seem like she underwent Personality Transplant Surgery, this week (and don’t even get me STARTED on Derek)? Just last week, she was all “Don’t call me!” and “I need time, before I can become your friend,” and “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?” (Just kidding on that last one, by the way). Now, all the sudden, she’s back on the Scott Train, requesting a round trip ticket to Pleasureland, doggy-style. Now, granted, perhaps, this has something to do with her overhearing that weepy speech Scott gave to Allison’s father . . .
But still, a little transition might have been nice, don’t you think? Then again, Allison pretty much dumped Scott for no reason, in the first place, so . . . whatever.
Then Jackson appears, which means its time for him to once again sing his “I want to be furry, just like you” theme song to Scott . . .
Jackson too seems to have changed his tune a bit, since the last episode. Back in “Wolf’s Bane,” Jackson was full of vim and vigor, and Big Bad Manly Threats, cautioning Scott, that if he didn’t somehow managed to turn him into a werewolf, Jackson would see to it that he lost Allison FOREVER! He even included a creepy whispered timeline on the threat a la that chick from The Ring: “Three days,” he said, before amorously licking Scott’s earlobe.
However, sometime during the lacrosse game, Jackson apparently decided that you catch more werewolves with honey than with vinegar (or . . . maybe that was flies . . . I don’t know). So, this time, Jackson approaches Scott with a NEW plan: If Scott can help Jackson become a werewolf in THREE DAYS, Jackson will HELP Scott get Allison back in time for the Big Dance!
Well, isn’t HE Mr. Self-Sacrifice? First, Jackson dumps Lydia for Allison, and now he seems more than willing to give up Allison on Scott’s behalf . . . and all for some pointy teeth, and a cheap pair of colored contacts . . . Then again, everybody knows that Jackson is secretly in love with Derek, anyway. So, all if this is probably no big deal to him.
“You had me at ‘I wanna break your face.'”
Next up is a Men’s Locker Room Scene. And you know what that means, Werebangers! Cue the obligatory Wet Scott Wearing Nothing But a Towel Shot . . .
Never . . . gets . . . old.
In fact, I think Scott’s towel-wearing physique has mind control powers! Last week, Derek promptly forgave Scott for TOTALLY selling him out to the local cops, and making him look like a serial killer. This week, Derek’s (or should I say “Miguel’s”) new best friend, Danny seems EXTREMELY willing to forgive Scott for the MAJOR BEAT DOWN he gave him during practice, two weeks ago, in “Lunatic.”
“Apology accepted,” remarks Danny to Scott from across the lockers, while sporting a physique to rival the Great Teen Wolf’s . . .
For some reason, I love when a guy has just ONE dimple, on his cheek, instead of two matching ones on either side. There’s just something really sexy about that . . . It’s as if, on the right side, he’s just a boy, but on the left side and down below he’s ALL MAN!
According to Danny, Scott spent the entire lacrosse game passing the ball to HIM, thereby, helping him to become the game’s lead scorer. Scott tries to shrug off the compliment, like it’s no big deal, but it does seem as though this was a conscious effort on Scott’s part. If nothing else, Scott’s “dude-approved” non-verbal “apology” to Danny illustrates that he is FINALLY learning to keep his inner-wolf at bay, while on the field. And, I expect we have Stiles’ Yoda-like training to thank for that . . .
Suddenly, it’s dark in the locker room, and Scott is alone (and still undressed) yet again.
Question: Why does it take Scott so much longer to get dressed than everyone else? Is it because he takes like TWENTY SHOWERS a day, perhaps? I just don’t understand how he always ends up in these situations . . .
But wait . . . Scott isn’t alone. Here comes a BALL . . .
“Phew, it’s been a long hard day on the lacrosse field. I was planning to take a long hot shower. Care to join me, Scott?”
Following that ball is Derek . . .
“Dude, why are you wearing SO MUCH CLOTHING? We’re in a locker room, for heaven sakes! This is SACRILEGE! I COMMAND you to take off your shirt!”
This locker room is getting fuller by the minute. But wait, there’s more partygoers on the guest list . . . like, for example, THIS GUY . . .
Yep, it would seem that, at some point between this week’s episode and last week’s that Derek and Uncle Alpha kissed and made up. Now, Derek seems TOTALLY on Team Alpha. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was wearing a “Team Alpha” t-shirt under that Brooding Anti-hero leather jacket of his. When Scott questions him as to what exactly happened to make him COMPLETELY change sides, Derek gives minimalistic zombie-like “I totally just drank this guy’s Kool-Aid” responses. He even goes as far as to chalk up Uncle Alpha’s murder of his own sister to “It happens.”
With all due respect, Derek, THIS does not just “happen” . . .
I know we are all supposed to be shocked by the lobotomy Uncle Alpha seemingly gave Derek, back at the hospital (His “join us” instruction to Scott was particularly chilling.). However, I still don’t buy that Derek has done this complete 180 he’d like us to think that he has. My current theory (and I’m sticking to it), is that Derek is merely biding his time — lulling the Alpha into a false sense of security, before he pounces, and kills the f*&ker! Of course, I’ve been wrong before . . .
Speaking of Uncle Alpha . . .
Is that a French Manicure?
. . . I loved the little shout-out he gave to the original Teen Wolf franchise, and its basketball roots, by casually noting the superiority of THAT sport to lacrosse. I suspect the comment was also a clever not to recappers and reviewers of the show, who find the show’s emphasis on lacrosse to be completely random, not to mention a bit tedious . . .
Since Scott doesn’t seem willing to put on the Team Alpha t-shirt anytime soon, Uncle Alpha resorts to giving him an impromptu neck massage.
“Ooooh . . . that feels good . . . now, a little to the left please, and MUCH harder!”
What happens after that, gives us a bit of a clearer picture of what, beyond wolfsbane poisoning, has been happening to Jackson. And why, ever since he was “fingered” by BOTH Derek, and the Alpha, he has seemed to have an unnatural connection to, obsession with, and instinctive knowlege of werewolves, particularly the ones that belong to Uncle Alpha’s, and, by extension, Scott’s pack . . .
Apparently, receiving a scratch on the neck by an Alpha, allows you to see what the Alpha has SEEN, or, at least, what he wants you to see. Intermingled with a few unnecessary, but still, very nice to look at, Scott as Alpha shower shots, during this montage, we were treated to a number of scenes that more or less tell us the story of the infamous Hale House Fire (Though Kate may have been the one to orchestrate the arson, she wasn’t the one who lit the gasoline tank, herself. Go figure), as well as how exactly it was that Uncle Alpha came to murder Laura Hale, and become the Alpha, himself.
I’ll allow you to examine some of the Highlights of Scott’s wet dream “religious experience” here:
Eventually, Scott’s neck stops throbbing, and Derek and Uncle Alpha leave the locker room for a Doggy Biscuit break, or whatever it is werewolf packs DO together . . .
Enter Stiles, who, by this point, is probably not the least bit surprised to learn that his best friend has been hanging out in a dark locker room for HOURS wearing nothing but a towel . . .
“Exactly how many plain white towels do you OWN, Scott?”
A frantic and breathless Stiles informs Scott that they’ve got a huge problem on their hands. Gee thanks, Captain Obvious! Tell us something we don’t know . . .
Drive Me Crazy . . .
Kudos to MTV for treating us to Allison’s super-sexy Scott-centric sex dream! Honestly, I’m starting to think these two are hotter together, when they are asleep than when they are awake!
Having been rudely awakened from her STD-free Dream Time with Wolfman, Allison overhears the sound of Papa Argent and Auntie Kate arguing heatedly about HER. Down the steps she sneaks to the garage, where she hides in her dad’s car to get a better listen . . .
There you go, Allison! Just sit in the front seat, with your head RIGHT IN THE WINDOW. I’m sure NO ONE will notice you there!
Allison listens as her relatives discuss various hunting techniques, and disagree as to when Allison should be let in on the family secret. Papa Argent seems completely oblivious to his daughter’s presence because he’s a MORON. Katiepoo, however, gives the camera a long extended look toward the end of the scene, that seems to illustrate that, not only does she KNOW that Allison is listening in on her conversation but she is GLAD that this is happening . . .
After the parental units have left, Allison notices that Auntie Kate seems to have purposefully left out for her a few oddly shaped arrow tips, and decides to use them during her next archery practice . . .
“These kind of look like the sex toys I tried out on Scott last week. Ahhhh, memories!”
The next morning, Jackson, clearly feeling emasculated by his non-wolfishness, has decided to go all Speed Racer on his porsche . . .
Unfortunately, Jackson’s car stalls out, leaving him stranded at . . . well, wherever the heck he is driving . . .
PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT, JACKSON! Don’t make me tell you again!
Then creepy Papa Argent magically appears, he’s been stalking Jackson this whole time seemingly out of nowhere. And he’s all about fondling the teenager’s neck scars, and interrogating him, as to his possible werewolf status.
Now, Jackson might not be the smartest tool in his shed, but he’s got enough innate survival skills in him, to spot a creeper, when he sees one. So, Jackson has enough good sense to lie through his teeth about the source of his scratch, and to refuse to go anywhere alone with Papa Argent to have sex get his car fixed. And yet still the poopyhead still looks plenty frightened of Papa Argent, and seems truly relieved when Scott and Stiles come to his rescue . . .
At this point, Papa Argent recognizes that the jig is most definitely up. With Stiles and Scott watching his every move, there is no way Papa is going to be able to take Jackson out back, and shoot him in the head, Old Yeller-style. Instead, Papa replaces the piece of Jackson’s car he OBVIOUSLY removed at some point to get it to stall as suddenly as it did, and drives away with a reluctant puss on his face . . . (Hmmm . . . I wonder if he still mistakenly believes that Jackson is a Beta wolf?)
When the car suddenly starts again, Jackson is understandably TOTALLY freaked out . . .
Jackson: “What the hell just happened there?”
Stiles: “Haha, you’ve just been punked by an Argent! Loser!”
But Jackson is not freaked out ENOUGH to not want to grow fur on his back . . . And he tells Scott as much, when Scott gives him the “When I was YOUR age (a few weeks ago), back before being a werewolf RUINED MY LIFE” speech . . .
Scott warns Jackson that once you go wolf, there is no going back. And Scott can’t protect him, once he makes that decision. (Well, that makes sense. Scott McCall couldn’t protect a blade of grass taped to the back of a bullet proof vest, let alone a douchebag like Jackson.) But COCKY ASS Jackson doesn’t think he needs protecting. After all, HE DRIVES A PORCHE!
Uhhhh . . . Jackson . . . haven’t you ever watched a horror movie before? Don’t you know the rich dickheads are always one of the first ones to go (right after the dumb slutty girls)? Just sayin’ . . .
Speaking of dumb slutty girls . . . Meanwhile, in the evil forest, where they filmed The Blair Witch Project (I know . . . I know . . . it’s not actually that same forest. But it REALLY looks like it is.) . . .
Revenge is a Dish Best Served Tasered . . .
Apparently, this is what you get when you make out with Allison Argent’s ex boyfriend in Coach Cupcake’s office . . .
You get to watch Allison Argent use her magic archery bows to blow up trees, while she subtly warns you that she KNOWS WHAT YOU DID, and that hole in the middle of the tree, could just as easily be up your butt!
“Sweet dreams, Lydia!”
Then again, if you are the EX BOYFRIEND who made out with Allison Argent’s best friend in Coach Cupcake’s office, you get TASED!
Hahahahah! Now IS the coolest thing I’ve seen Allison do in a LONG time!
I don’t know. I don’t necessarily buy the whole “I heard a noise in the woods. I swear, I didn’t know it was you,” montage Allison gave when she found Scott writhing on the floor for the second time this hour. (Poor GUY! This is definitely not his episode.)
Take another acting class, Ms. Argent! We know you are THRILLED that just happened!
Now, considering that these weapons are “magical werewolf killing weapons,” wouldn’t it be interesting if that taser ended up being a “tases werewolves only” type weapon, thereby leading Allison to learn of Scott’s “alter ego” on her own? Just conjecturing here . . .
So, according to Scott, he wasn’t STALKING Allison in the woods, at all! (Yeah right!) He simply came to give her back the Ugly Ass Argent Family Crest Necklace he stole he randomly found on the floor somewhere. Allison is so greatful to Scott for “finding” this, that she decides to straddle his recently-tased body, and give him a major hard-on . . .
Talk about sending mixed signals . . .
As annoying hippie music blasts in the background, Allison and Scott hug, and go their separate ways, each feeling a bit more “tingly” than they did when they left . . .
Meanwhile, at La Casa de Stiles . . .
Because Getting Your Dad Drunk to Ply Him for Information Sure Beats Having to Tase HIM!
You’ve really gotta love these father/son moments between Stiles, his Dad, and his Dad’s trusty bottle of Jack Daniels. I mean, it just doesn’t get much more adorable than this. Stiles comes home to find Deputy Daddy poring over information in the Derek Hale as serial killer case, and wants answers. In fact, he wants THE TRUTH . . .
But Deputy Daddy isn’t talking, because this is “classified information.”
So, Stiles tries to ply his father, who, apparently, has the alcohol tolerance of flea, with liquor, in order to loosen his lips. Now, on the surface, this doesn’t exactly seem like a “healthy” type of father/ son bonding experience. On the other hand, I’m inclined to believe that Deputy Daddy, at least on some level, knew EXACTLY what his son was doing to him. However, he went along with it, simply because he wanted to spend time with his kid, and this seemed like the easiest way to do it . . . Sad . . . but true . . .
It doesn’t take long, before Deputy Daddy is spewing out information like a leaky faucet.
One interesting factoid he reveals is that Derek doesn’t show up in pictures . . .
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a VAMPIRE trait, not a werewolf one?
I found this particular piece of information intriguing, in that we KNOW that Scott appears in pictures just fine, like, for example, the ones he sent to Allison’s phone, back when they first broke up . . . last week . . .
Now, perhaps, this little inconsistency can be chalked up to another “bitten versus born” difference . . . or perhaps, it has some more substantial meaning than that. Only time will tell, I guess . . .
Deputy Daddy also reveals Uncle Alpha’s motive behind killing all those random folks, like the bus driver, and the janitor, and those two thugs who tried to rape Scott and Stiles. ALL OF THESE DUDES seemed to play some role in the burning of the Hale house.
“Awwwww Yeah! Yay for motive! “
Unfortunately, all this just serves to make Derek look even more guilty than he looked before . . .
Things get a bit sentimental, when a Drunken Deputy Daddy starts waxing poetic about how much he misses Stiles’ deceased mother. And though this unusual outpouring of emotion from Stiles’ father, makes Stiles feel like he’s going to probably spend an eternity in hell for what he has just done, he has a town to save, and therefore, exits Stage Left, at the first sign of Man Tears . . .
My Boyfriend . . . the Alpha . . .
So much for being an only child, Scott! You’re about to get a litter! I hope you like PUPPIES!
Queen of the Cockteases, Allison needs to see Scott (the boy she just broke up with), right away. When Scott sees Allison on his bed again, his weiner nearly JUMPS FOR JOY!
No . . . don’t worry, I’m not implying that Stiles IS Scott’s weiner . . . It’s just a pictoral representation, Mmmm kay?
Unfortunately, Allison doesn’t want to screw. She just wants to talk . . . about her family zzzzzzzzz . . .
Cue, Momus Interruptus . . . not that she’s actually interrupting anything FUN! In fact, if anyone is going to be having fun tonight, it’s MAMA MCCALL! She’s got a hot date tonight!
Speaking of jumping for joy . . .
Gee kiddies, I bet you can’t guess who Mommy’s new boyfriend is! (Hint: It’s not Santa Claus.)
Surprise, it’s the ALPHA!
(And if you didn’t guess that would happen THE MINUTE Mom appeared in Scott’s bedroom all tarted up, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you for a dollar . . .)
Apparently, the Alpha has this BRILIANT idea that converting Scott’s MOM into a werewolf and having her join the pack, will make membership seem more enticing to Scott. To prove this, Uncle Alpha makes some random analogy to German U-boats, that actually makes him seem way nerdier and less badass than he did twenty minutes earlier.
Despite Scott making that hilarious face he always makes . . .
Mom eventually absconds with Uncle Alpha, leaving Scott (well, more accurately Stiles) to pick up the pieces. But first he has to blow of Allison (NO SEX FOR YOU TONIGHT!) by giving her those famous last words, “I’ll be right back!”
In other words, “Nice knowing ya, girlfriend!”
On the way to their “date,” Uncle Alpha quickly reveals himself to have NO GAME WHATSOEVER, by creepily stroking the side of Mommy McCall’s face for NO REASON WHATSOEVER . . .
And doing THIS . . .
Just so you know, single men, out there, doing THIS is not considered good foreplay.
Just minutes before Uncle Alpha either bites Mommy McCall’s tummy, or just plain eats her head off, it’s STILES to the rescue, with his much abused jeep, and his subpar driving skills. He crashes into the Alpha’s car, like it’s his job . . . which it basically is.
“Uh oh! I wasn’t INTERRUPTING anything, was I?”
Uncle Alpha notices Scott hiding behind Stiles’ car, and grudgingly congratulates him on a job well done. (Well, at least the guy is not a sore loser!)
Of course, as you might have guessed, Uncle Alpha isn’t the kind of guy who’s just going to sit back and admit defeat. No sir! He’s going to have the last laugh, even if it means completely ruining his plans for World Domination. (I generally think talking too much, is a sickness that spreads amongst TV supervillains, don’t you?) So, Uncle Alpha helpfully tips off Scott to the fact that Derek is preparing to kill Jackson.
Why? Because he “knows too much?” Because he “has perfect hair? Honestly, we aren’t too sure, but we are just going to go with it for now, because it makes for adequate damn good television . . .
Meanwhile . . .
Derek makes his move on Jackson (Interpret that statement as you will . . .)
Mutual interests: working out, listening to music, long walks on the beach, fast cars, eating humans and endless hours of SEX.
You want a true testament to how much Teen Wolf writers adore their female and gay male viewers? Observe THIS scene . . . It begins, appropriately enough with Jackson WORKING OUT.
I just love the dedication to fitness on this show, don’t you? 😉 It seems like everyone (except for Stiles and Lydia) does active, mostly naked stuff, on a regular basis. What a positive message for people who like looking at others naked our nation’s youth!).
So, there’s Jackson, pumping iron, grunting, sweating, flexing, preening . . . the whole nine yards, in the school gym, when in pops Derek (AGAIN, NO SECURITY IN THIS SCHOOL, AT ALL!), with his sly flirty smile and “deep appreciation for Jackson’s music.
I smell a come on, don’t you?
The sexual innuendos continue, as Derek offers to give Jackson “everything he wants,” *gulp*, provided the latter follow him to his bedroom his house *double gulp*. And that’s when things start getting REALLY weird . . .
“I don’t think we are in a Romantic Comedy, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean Derek!”
Having received the Magic Neck Rub, the minute Jackson arrives at Derek’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit, he immediately recognizes it from his dreams of the Hale fire . . . weird. Even Derek seems taken aback by that piece of information. But still, our Big Bad Sexy Wolf sticks to the game plan. He threatens Jackson, telling him that he doesn’t deserve to live because nobody cares about him . . .even though he has perfect hair, is rich, drives a nice car, and is . . . well, we will get to that last thing he is in a bit.
You know, I think that’s kind of harsh, Derek! I think lots of golddigging women will care about Jackson for all of these reasons . . . and only these reasons. Then Derek shows Jackson his big ugly nail beds, and this makes Jackson CRY LIKE A B*TCH!
“Oh gosh! My eyes! Those are the ugliest fingernails I have ever seen! Please, put them away! I beg you!”
Jackson instinctively knows that he is no match for this Hunka Hunka Burning Love. He’s petrified . . . begging for his life, like he’s probably never had to beg for anything in his entire shallow existence. And, honestly, I think that’s kind of the point of this whole exercise . . . to give Jackson some tough love . . . to convince him, once and for all, that being a werewolf is not all it’s cracked up to be . . . and, above all, to keep those big fat lips of his shut.
If Derek really wanted to kill Jackson, he could have done it back at the gym, by bashing his head in with some barbells. He wouldn’t have even had to break a sweat. But hey . . . what do I know . . .
Earlier I mentioned that there was one other thing Derek mentioned that Jackson IS that nobody cares about . . . and that’s . . . wait for it “captain of the lacrosse team.”
Well, Scott McCall would certainly beg to differ with this statement! That’s right boys and girls. It is at THIS precise moment that Scott decides to make his presence known, and save Jackson’s life for the SECOND time this hour even though he wasn’t really in any particular danger either time. “CO-CAPTAIN!” Scott insists, from the top of Derek’s ratty staircase . . .
In two seconds flat, a now wolfed out Scott is flying down the bannister, like a bat out of hell (That looked like fun.) And the two Wolf Headed Weirdos (Yep, Derek is back to looking like a Jackass in Wolf Gear! The sexy glowing eyes were fun while they lasted!) begin to WRESTLE . . . again . . .
Shots ring out from outside the house . . . of course, it’s the hunters. Now, Derek is on Scott’s side, united against a common enemy. “Run SCOTT! GET OUT OF HERE!” He commands.
Meanwhile, Jackson probably just pooped in his pants . . .
We don’t get to see much of what happens next because Scott is pumped full of magic werewolf killing bullets.
Oh sweetie, that lipstick is ALL WRONG for your skin tone!
Somehow Bloody Scott manages to escape the warzone, and ends up in the forest. Believing himself to be dying, he makes one last cry for the woman he loves (OH PUHLEASE!) before he falls unconscious . . .
Next thing you know, Scott is being carried to the animal clinic, where he has the lethal bullets extracted from his body by . . . THE VET?
Well, technically, he IS a dog . . .
For weeks, many of us have wondered what exactly the vet’s relationship was with the werewolf community. Ladies and weres, I think we’ve just figured it out!
Meanwhile, at Scott’s house . . .
Golly Gee, Auntie Kate! Can I get one of those for MY basement?
Clearly, over an hour has passed, and Allison is still waiting for Scott on his bed. *cough DESPERATE cough* Finally, she gets a text message from Kate, requesting her presence, and she has enough self respect to leave. Allison meets Kate, and the former leads her down to the DUNGEON beneath the Walmart of Guns. (Because of course, the Walmart of Guns would come equipped with its own Dungeon. I mean, why the heck not?)
“Every family has it’s secrets,” explains Captain Obvious Auntie Kate. “Ours is a little different.”
Allison tentatively enters the dungeon, with an eager drooling Kate on her heels. What she finds down there is not something she ever, in her wildest dreams, could have guessed. (Though many of us had an inkling.) Wanna see what was down there? Here you go!
Smile for the camera, Wolfman!
Something tells me the Alpha isn’t going to be too happy about THIS!
There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned physically abusive bromance to get your motor running on a weeknight, am I right? Just so you know, MTV, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a sitcom in which these two did nothing but wall slam eachother, hit eachother in the heads with various objects, and throw pies in one another’s faces . . . provided, they did it shirtless, of course.
Believe it or not, Blatant Homoeroticism and Bromantic Buddy Cop Comedy Antics, were not the ONLY things “Wolf’s Bane” had going for it. There was also a lot of partial male nudity. This episode was jam-packed with nail-biting chase scenes, intense wolfed-out battle blowouts, drippy Allison and Scott melodrama, creepy dream sequences, countless plot-twisty reveals, and the most unintentionally erotic description of sex ever told by a sociopathic wolf wannabe. Did I mention that they FINALLY TOLD US WHO THE FRIGGIN’ ALPHA WAS?
And to my pleasant surprise, it ended up being someone who nearly NOBODY had guessed . . .
So, what are we waiting for, Werebangers? Take off your shirt, and call yourself “Miguel,” because it’s time to FIND THE ALPHA!
RUN, DEREK, RUN!
(Can I just say that I very much approve of the producer’s fairly recent decision to make Derek look less wolfy, and more vampire-y. I know, I know . . . he’s not SUPPOSED to be a vampire. So, technically, I should be upset about this. But REALLY, wouldn’t most of you prefer the picture above to THIS?
So, considering what Derek Hale looks like, it’s not much of a surprise that people always seem to be chasing him down, because they want to eat him, lick him, or pop him in the ass (with a “gun”) . . .
It all started with that Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher who (randomly gave his students an economics test last week) everyone seemed to think was the Alpha, because in shows like these, the Bad Guys always seem to be the ones wearing the bad suits and nerdy glasses . . .
“Who has two hands, and looks like the serial rapist in every Lifetime movie ever created? THIS GUY!”
So, when the Alpha paid HIM a visit at the school late at night, you could almost hear the collective shocked gasps of Werebangers across the world . . .
“What slimy hands you have?”
“The better to finger you with, Professor Emo!”
“HOLY CRAP! Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher is not the Alpha. Everything I thought I knew about Life is WRONG!”
Not only is Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher (a.k.a. “Professor Emo”) NOT the Alpha . . . the Alpha also doesn’t seem particularly fond of the guy. Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Professor Emo, indirectly, made Alpha look like THIS . . .
Now, here’s a guy who should REALLY consider keeping his shirt ON!
More on exactly how he DID that later . . . the important thing is that Professor Emo looks like he’s about to become an Alpha Chew Toy. That is, of course, until DEREK JUMPS IN AND SAVES THE DAY!
Cops and Alphas aren’t the only ones who want a piece of Derek tonight. A pack of RABID ATTACK DOGS are also on his tail . . .
But, of course, all Derek has to do is smile at them, and the Big Bad Dogs all go scampering away like giggly school girls. Less easily wooed are the Argents, who are trailing Derek in their cars, and on land, respectively . . .
“Hi, is this the phone sex hotline? I’m looking for someone who sounds REALLY young, and likes to be licked.”
“Oooh, my stomach is killing me! I really shouldn’t have had those beans for dinner on a Derek Hunting Night!”
They are also undoubtedly wondering why, if Derek is on foot, his car seems to be on the highway, DRIVING ITSELF! Welllll . . . not exactly. Cruising down the highway at warp grandpa speed are Scott and Stiles, who will be functioning as Derek’s getaway drivers, this evening . . .
By the way, was I the only one who was hoping Derek would give Scott just a TEENSY bit of a harder time about the whole “accusing him of being a serial killer” thing? I mean . . . sure . . . today he’s Mr. Chauffeur, but who’s fault is it that Derek is on the run from the cops, anyway? RIGHT?
And when Scott responds to Derek’s WAY TOO TAME snarky comment about the situation, by whining, “Can’t we just get over that already,” I want to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE! (Get over it “already?” Really? Because, where I come from, this happened TWO EPISODES AGO, a.k.a TWO DAYS AGO, in Teen Wolf time.) And nobody’s memory is that short . . . except for, perhaps Douchebag Wolves who make out with their best friend’s crushes.
In fact, oddly enough, when Derek wants to share pertinent information about the possible identity of the Alpha, it’s STILES he doesn’t trust to keep a secret . . . not Benedict ARNWOLF in the driver’s seat . . .
In Derek’s defense, Stiles’ “I’m really a daddy’s boy at heart” comment, that the police were just “doing their job” by trying to KILL DEREK, did seem to have a whiff of NARC, beneath the surface, didn’t it?
Nevertheless, Derek eventually shares THREE pertinent clues with the Scott