Believe it or not, this is a REAL movie poster, from an ACTUAL MOVIE, starring Nina Dobrev . . . and . . . one very non- Taylor Kinney looking werewolf, who is in SERIOUS need of dental insurance. The internet is a strange and wonderful place . . .
Holy crap! Let me say that again . . . HOLY CRAP! Could this show get ANY MORE INSANE? I mean, I don’t think I’ve gasped or OMG’ed more in a single hour since . . . well . . . since the Season 1 Finale of The Vampire Diaries! And to think, this episode was supposed to be the “tame one,” leading up to the TOTAL BLOODBATH that will be next week’s “Masquerade!”
But, before we begin our weekly recap, I would like everyone to please take a moment of silence for Mason’s Family Jewels.
After all, our “Big Scary Werewolf” ended up being nothing more than a “Poor Little Lovesick Puppy,” didn’t he?
We’ll miss you, Mason Lockwood . . . you Little Weiner, YOU!
So Much Hot Sex, So Little Time . . .
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, TVD writers, for giving me TWO sex scenes for the price of ONE . . . and all within the first five minutes of this episode. Talk about EFFICIENCY!
Granted, NEITHER of these sex scenes were the “Damon and Elena” sex scene I’ve been hoping and praying for, every Thursday night, for 1.25 seasons now . . .
. . . but they were still PRETTY DARN SPICY!
The episode opens with Elena “gazing” not “staring” at Stefan, in a state of post-coital / pre-coital bliss. (Vampires . . . they’ve got STAMINA!). Still tingly from all the hot fangy loving, Elena still can’t help but worry a bit over whether Katherine will find out their Big Ole Fight, was a Big Ole Fake.
Meanwhile, Katherine is whispering sweet nothings into a naked Mason’s Big Dog Ears.
“Give me you’re Big Jewels! I want to grab and squeeze Jewels! Let me fondle your Wolfy Jewels!”
Yes, boys and girls! Our girl Katherine has a bit of a one-track mind, it seems. But Mason, to his credit, doesn’t fall for Katherine’s Little Vampire Games . . . at least, not entirely.
Despite Katherine’s promises to the contrary, Mason isn’t quite certain that he and the Evil One will live “Happily Ever After,” once he turns over the Moonstone. In fact, Mason seems a bit concerned that, once he turns over his Fancy Family Jewels, Sexy Times with Katherine will be OVER, with a capital O . . .
As us wily TVD fan’s know, Mason’s right to be skeptical of Katherine’s true intentions. After all, she was the one that orchestrated the activation of Mason’s “werewolf curse” to begin with. You know . . . by compelling that Carrot Top-looking guy to go all Crazy Insane-o on Mason’s ass . . .
So, rather than turn over his Family Jewels right away, Mason decides to . . . hide them in a tight cavernous hole, where the Sun Don’t Shine . . .
Ummm . . . I meant that vervain and snake-filled WELL . . . on the Lockwood Property. You dirty-minded creatures, you!
And the Newest Recruit to the Salvatore Detective Agency is . . .
. . . MINI GILBERT! YAY!
Those of you (like me) who felt it was HIGH TIME that The Littlest Gilbert stopped mourning his Dead Vampire Girlfriends / getting the stuffing beaten out of him, and joined his sister’s Scooby Gang, got their wish this week. The very brave (or incredibly stupid, depending on how you look at it) boy had precisely NO QUALMS about dropping by La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and paying a visit to the VERY SAME PERSON who actually killed him, during the Season 2 premiere . . .
Yes, go ahead. By all means, complain that the above picture is inaccurate, because Damon was actually wearing a shirt, during this scene . . . I DARE YOU! 🙂
Using the knowledge he learned last week, during Sexy Times with Tyler, as leverage to gain acceptance into the Salvatore Detective Agency . . .
. . . Jeremy shares with Damon valuable information about both the “werewolf curse” and the Lockwood Family Jewels. But Damon, being Damon, is much more interested in Elena.
Specifically, Damon wants to know if Elena thinks he’s sexy whether Elena knows what Jeremy is currently doing here at La Casa de Rich and Awesome. When Jeremy admits that Elena would NOT want her little brother playing with the likes of Naughty Bad Influence Damon, the Sexy Vampire snarks, “You’re a Gilbert. You can’t help yourself . . . especially when it comes to ME.“
Damon then allows Jeremy entrance into La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and, by extension the Scooby Gang. (Just call him Scrappy Doo!)
“Mini Gilbert, reporting for duty, SIR!”
The Worst Kept Secret EVER reveals itself . . . TWICE
Over at the Lockwood Mansion, where seemingly EVERY snooty town-related event is held (What . . . no Mystic Falls Convention Center?), approximately half the TVD cast is prepping for next week’s MAJOR game-changing episode entitled “Masquerade the town’s annual Masquerade Ball. There, Useless Aunt Jenna . . .
. . . (who was surprisingly significantly less USELESS this week, and actually functioned as a MAJOR plot point) . . .
I know, crazy, right?
. . . approaches Stefan about coming to the Gilbert house that evening for another rousing game of Pictionary Family Dinner. In keeping up with his Fake Fight Story, Stefan tells Jenna, that he’d prefer not to come, because he and Elena are taking a “pause.”
Useless Aunt Jenna then informs Stefan that . . . “That’s not what it sounded like last night.”
OK . . . am I the only one who would find the concept of my aunt / guardian telling my boyfriend how INSANELY LOUD he and I are when we screw, REALLY CREEPY?
“At least now I know what to buy Aunt Jenna for her birthday . . . earplugs . . . REALLY BIG earplugs.”
Oh, and while we are on the subject . . . Elena . . .
YOU GO, GIRL!
Meanwhile, Bonnie . . .
. . . confronts Elena about the cold shoulder she has received from her former bud, ever since the Little Witch started being a BIG b*tch her whole “Vampire Hatred” kick . . . a habit that even extended to the Witch’s former Bestie, Caroline.
“You don’t want to talk to me anymore, Bonnie? FINE! But I am SO not letting you borrow my new lipstick!”
When Elena tells Bonnie that her fight with Stefan is a fake one, Bonnie admits that she had NO IDEA the two were even fighting. *cough* bad friend *cough* Although Bonnie is not quite ready to Re-Friend Caroline yet, she does seem amenable to making a go at things with Elena again . . . And, all I have to say, is it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME!
Vampy Mama Drama
Speaking of Caroline, she’s been busy babysitting her vampire-despising Mommy, while the mother/daughter pair wait for the vervain to leave the latter’s system. This way, Mama Dearest can be brainwashed into forgetting how her vampire daughter “Did not Shoot the Sheriff, but definitely ATE the Deputy . . .”
At first, Mama Forbes wants nothing to do with her Undead Daughter. However, as Caroline explains to her mother her new way of life, i.e. drinking blood bags, filched from hospitals, and sucking on the occasional bunny . . .
. . . Mama Forbes begins to recognize what US fans have already known for about three episodes now . . . Namely, that Vampire Caroline is WAY COOLER, and MUCH LESS ANNOYING than human Caroline ever was!
It’s Time for Yet Another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation . . .
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon’s Bromantic Buddy, Alaric . . .
. . . has arrived bearing a very nerdy box filled with snoozy information about werewolf lore. Apparently, according to some lame Aztec Ritual, when it comes to Moonstones, only he (or she) who “made the curse, can break the curse.”
Wait . . . isn’t that kind of like, “Who smelt it, dealt it?”
Ultimately, the Salvatore Detective Agency concludes that, if they want to get to Mason, they have to get his Family Jewels first. This sounds like a job for . . . Tyler’s hot little lover MINI GILBERT.
When Elena and Stefan find out about Jeremy’s involvement in Damon’s grand plan, they are both majorly pissed. Elena tells Jeremy not to trust Damon. Stefan, for his part, gives Damon a Big Ole Bitch Slap . . .
But these protestations are to no avail. Scrappy Doo is already on the case! And there’s nothing anybody can do about it! (SO THERE!)
After talking to Tyler, Jeremy learns that the almost-wolf has already given Mason back his balls Family Jewels. Desperate times call for desperate measures. So, the Salvatore Detective Agency decides to put in a pinch hitter, or should I say . . . a “witch hitter.”
Bonnie watches the porno in Mason’s Mind . . . and likes it!
When Little Witch Bonnie bumps into Mason, she is nearly bowled over by an exceedingly graphic image of the Wolf doing the horizontal mambo with, what appears to be, her best friend, Elena.
How’d YOU like to watch your best friend “do it?”
So, to show her Bestie just how “loyal” she is, Bonnie gets the brilliant (and by “brilliant” I mean “random and bizarre”) idea to rat Elena out to Stefan, who’s guts Bonnie just so happens to hate.
Fortunately, for Elena, Stefan immediately realizes that the vision Bonnie viewed in Mason’s head was NOT of Elena boinking the wolf, but of Katherine . . .
“You mean my EVIL GENIUS plan to break you two lovebirds up didn’t work? Dammit!”
After a brief powwow, the Salvatore Detective Agency approach Bonnie and ask for her help.
Specifically, they want Bonnie to give Mason one of her trademark MASSIVE HEADACHES, in order to convince him to give up information about the Moonstone’s location. Though initially skeptical of the plan, Bonnie ultimately agrees to help. So, while Mason is incapacitated by a massive migraine, Salvatore Squared use the opportunity to knock him unsconscious, shove him their car, and drive him to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for an intense session of torture interrogation.
At “La Casa,” Bonnie does one of her Jedi Mind Tricks on an unconscious Mason, and finds out that he hid the Moonstone in that Aforementioned Very Special Place.
Again, I mean . . .THE WELL! (Will you stop it!)
Bonnie then texts that information to Stefan, who double times it there with Elena.
After an awkward exchange, “former friends” Bonnie and Caroline decide to head to the well too, “just in case” Elena and Stefan need help . . .
“Hey, Judgy,” Damon calls after Bonnie, as she leaves the house. “Thank you!”
(And that was the moment that all Bamon shippers simultaneously cheered the fact that Damon FINALLY has a pet name for Bonnie, which doesn’t include the word “witch” or anything that rhymes with it . . .)
All’s Well that Ends . . . Kinda Bloody and Gross
As Elena looks on nervously, Stefan lowers himself into the well. He’s down there for all of a minute, when the vamp starts screaming like a little girl. It turns out, Mason distrusted his “lover” Katherine, with his balls Family Jewels SO MUCH, that he filled the whole darn well with vervain!
Not a moment too soon, Bonnie and Caroline come to Elena’s rescue . . .
Quickly, the girls attach Elena to the well’s pulley system, and lower her into the well. There she finds a VERY GORY looking Stefan, and sends him back up to land via pulley. Now alone in the well, Elena finds a box containing Mason’s Family Jewels . . .
. . . too bad it is covered in SNAKES!
All three girls scream like . . . well . . . like girls . . . as they lift Elena to the surface, just seconds before she is turned into snake food. Then, as a blood thirsty Caroline turns her head, and Bonnie looks on in horror, Elena cures Stefan’s ailments, once again, by feeding her his blood.
Farewell to Wolfy
While Stefan is busy slurping some Tasty Elena Soup, Damon and Jeremy are at La Casa playing Good Cop / Bad Cop (Bet you can’t guess, who’s who?) with a now conscious, but still chained-to-a-chair Mason.
That’s one HOT BAD Cop!
So, Damon starts poking Mason with his HUGE HARD, and VERY WARM stick, while peppering him with questions about Katherine and her true motives behind wanting the Moonstone. Unfortunately, all that prodding only turns Mason on . . .
“Hit me Baby. One more Time!”
It doesn’t actually convince him to talk. Fortunately, Scrappy Doo Jeremy has brought along wolfsbane, which is, apparently, the werewolf equivalent of vervain. (Who said The Vampire Diaries isn’t educational?)
So, Damon shoves the stuff down the poor dog’s throat.
“STOP! You are ruining my DIET! Wolfsbane is SO FATTENING! What will become of my girlish figure?”
Ultimately, it is not the Big STICK, but the BIG PLANT that finally gets Mason to talk. The problem is, for all his bluster, the Dude actually has VERY LITTLE to say. He genuinely loves Katherine! And he only wanted the Moonstone because SHE told him, it would free him of the werewolf curse.
“Now, I get it! You’re just STUPID!” Damon exclaims.
DING! DING! DING! That’s right, Damon! Vanna, tell him what he’s won . .
“What can I say? I’m a fool for love! (I also have really nice abs . . .)”
Having finally convinced himself, that he had gotten all the information he could get out of Mason, Damon “benevolently” tells Jeremy that the little guy’s work for the Salvatore Detective Agency has been completed. He can go home now
. But Jeremy doesn’t want to go home. He wants to stay and make sure Damon doesn’t convert “Stupid Mason” into doggie kibble.
Damon’s not too keen on insubordination amongst his employees. And so, he gently reminds Jeremy what is expected of him . . .
“SERIOUSLY? I can’t have ONE single episode, where I don’t get my ass kicked? Just ONE! That’s all I ask . .”
“Suck it up or LEAVE!” Damon tells Jeremy, in no uncertain terms.
And . . . since Mini Gilbert has never been much of a SUCKER . . . he chooses the latter . . .
With Mini Gilbert gone, Damon turns his attention back to a now very frightened Mason. “I look at you, and I see myself . . . only less dashing, and less intelligent,” Damon explains cordially.
Truer words were never spoken . . .
“I love her,” Mason wimpers pathetically.
Damon’s face softens. For a single moment, he looks at his captive, with pity and understanding. “I’ve been where you are. Katherine will rip your heart out.”
“Let me do it for her,” he concludes.
And then . . . Damon STABS MASON IN THE HEART, KILLING HIM, before wrapping him in a fancy Oriental Rug, like a Pig-in-a-Blanket . . . or, rather . . . a BIG FAT HOT DOG.
Who said romance was dead?
Thrilled with the rush of his kill, and high on vengeance, Damon then makes a decision he will literally regret forever. (You see, that’s one of the downsides of immortality. A complete inability to EVER escape from yourself.)
After texting Tyler’s Mom from Mason’s phone, to explain Mason’s upcoming ETERNAL absence, Damon can’t resist calling up Katherine to gloat about her now-dead boyfriend. As can be expected, Katherine does NOT take losing well . . .
“Awwww MAN! Why didn’t I get to kill Old Yeller Mason ? No FAIR!”
Yet, despite her OBVIOUS ire, Katherine manages to keep her cool on the phone. “Do you honestly think I don’t have a Plan B?” She inquires cooly. “Send my love to Stefan,” Katherine concludes, before hanging up the phone.
“We are SO screwed . . .”
While Damon and Stefan are fretting over Katherine’s cryptic words, Caroline is back in the dungeon, excitedly recounting for her mother, her recent adventures in “Well Rescue.” To Caroline’s complete surprise, her mother TOTALLY shares in her excitement, fanginess and all.
“You’ve become such a strong and confident person,” says Liz Forbes, paying her daughter the first compliment the two have exchanged, since the series began. “You don’t have to take my memories away. Just tell them you compelled me . . . You can trust me.”
“I know I can trust you,” says Caroline tearfully. “But you will never be able to trust them [Stefan and Damon],” she concludes.
Realizing that the vervain has now completely left her mother’s system, Caroline begins to compel her mother to forget the past few days, and believe, instead, that she has spent them home with the flu. “And then everything went back to normal. And I started to ignore you again,” finishes Caroline, thereby erasing ALL of the progress these two had made in their relationship throughout this ordeal.
Kind of sucks, right?
On a positive note, Caroline’s complete loyalty to Stefan and Damon show’s a good deal of growth and self-sacrifice, on her part. Additionally, Caroline’s ability to bond with her mother, even for just a short while, demonstrates a maturity in Caroline we haven’t seen up to this point. She’s going to be OK, that Baby Vamp!
Vampire Katherine’s Revenge
“I’ll get you my pretty, and you’re Useless Aunt Jenna TOO!”
Elena returns home to find Alaric and Useless Aunt Jenna still preparing dinner. Elena relays her busy day to Alaric, while Jenna chats to SOMEONE on the phone. Jenna then absentmindedly hands Elena the telephone, and walks away.
In that special sing-song voice utilized by all Super Villains when they are monologuing about their dastardly deeds, Katherine begins to explain to Elena how she KNOWS about her “fake breakup” with Stefan. (And, honestly, who did those two think they were fooling? They couldn’t even trick moronic Aunt Jenna into thinking they were broken up, for crying out loud!)
Speaking of Useless Aunt Jenna . . . I’m about to feel momentarily guilty about ranking on her during all these episodes . . .but . . .only momentarily . .. of course. I suspect I’ll be over it, by next week . . . maybe earlier
You see, not only did Katherine realize what Elena was doing with Stefan, she also figured out that Elena was protecting her Aunt, by putting vervain in her perfume and her tea. So Katherine, posing as Elena, convinced Aunt Jenna not to use all that “protection stuff,” thus making the woman her unwitting slave.
Sure enough, Elena twirls around to find Aunt Jenna stabbing herself in the chest with a carving knife.
Breakdowns and Breakups
I know this is probably an inappropriate time to bring this up, but . . . Is it just me, or is Mini Gilbert looking ALL KINDS of hot, lately?
At the hospital, Jeremy comforts an inconsolate Elena, who feels completely responsible for what happened to Aunt Jenna. (Auntie’s fine by the way . . . At least, for now.) “It’s going to be OK,” Jeremy whispers in his Big Sister’s ear sweetly.
“No . . . It’s not,” she says dejectedly.
“I don’t know how, but she is going to pay,” responds Mini Gilbert, with determination.
GO GET HER, SCRAPPY DOO!
Upon leaving the hospital, a still tearful Elena heads directly to La Casa de Rich and Awesome. There, she finds Stefan, shaking and quietly crying by the fireplace.
(By the way, kudos to both Nina and Paul for a remarkable job, on what was undoubtedly an extremely difficult scene.)
“Stefan, I’m so sorry,” whispers Elena, her face red and raw from crying. “We were stupid sneaking around. We did this. Jenna is in the hospital. Jeremy can be next. This is because we didn’t listen to her.”
Stefan is full-on crying now. “I know what you’re going to say,” he says softly. “Please, don’t say it.”
“I’ve been so selfish, because I love you so much. It’s over. It has to be,” concludes Elena, before running from the room.
A distraught Damon stops Elena at the door.
Of course, Damon loves Elena. Of course, he wants to be with her. But, like many of us staunch Damon and Elena fans watching at home, Damon didn’t want this. For things to end between Stefan and Elena, in this way, seems crueler somehow, than if they betrayed one another, or simply fell out of love. Because this is the type of heartbreak you don’t move on from.
And Damon . . . well . . . he feels partly responsible for what happened to his brother, and the woman of his dreams.
“When I rang Katherine up . . . I didn’t think that,” he fumbles, uncertain of how to continue.
“Damon, she won. Katherine won,” replies Elena sadly, before closing the door.
Katherine’s Plan B
In a shocking final twist, we learn that Katherine needs a werewolf to make use of the Moonstone in the way she sees fit. And so, without Mason as her pawn, Katherine is required to find another prospective werewolf to help complete her plan. And that werewolf will be THIS GUY . . .
You guessed it . . . it’s Tyler. But in order for Tyler to become a werewolf, he’s gotta commit murder. And if Katherine has her way, he will kill . . . Big Ole Blue Eyes himself, Matt.
In the final moments of the episode, we see Katherine compelling a glazey eyed Matt (just as Damon compelled that now-dead Connor guy, and Katherine, compelled that Carrot Top guy, before him) to pick a fight with Tyler, and not to back down until Tyler kills him.
First Aunt Jenna, now Matt . . . Oh my!