Tag Archives: Scooby Gang

Never Cry Werewolf – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Plan B”

Believe it or not, this is a REAL movie poster, from an ACTUAL MOVIE, starring Nina Dobrev  . . . and . . . one very non- Taylor Kinney looking werewolf, who is in SERIOUS need of dental insurance.  The internet is a strange and wonderful place . . .

Holy crap!  Let me say that again . . . HOLY CRAP!  Could this show get ANY MORE INSANE?  I mean, I don’t think I’ve gasped or OMG’ed more in a single hour since . . . well . . . since the Season 1 Finale of The Vampire Diaries!  And to think, this episode was supposed to be the “tame one,” leading up to the TOTAL BLOODBATH that will be next week’s “Masquerade!”

But, before we begin our weekly recap, I would like everyone to please take a moment of silence for Mason’s Family Jewels.

After all, our “Big Scary Werewolf” ended up being nothing more than a “Poor Little Lovesick Puppy,” didn’t he?

We’ll miss you, Mason Lockwood . . . you Little Weiner, YOU!

So Much Hot Sex, So Little Time . . .

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, TVD writers, for giving me TWO sex scenes for the price of ONE . . . and all within the first five minutes of this episode.  Talk about EFFICIENCY!

Granted, NEITHER of these sex scenes were the “Damon and Elena” sex scene I’ve been hoping and praying for, every Thursday night, for 1.25 seasons now . . .

 . . . but they were still PRETTY DARN SPICY!

The episode opens with Elena “gazing” not “staring” at Stefan, in a state of post-coital / pre-coital bliss. (Vampires . . . they’ve got STAMINA!).  Still tingly from all the hot fangy loving, Elena still can’t help but worry a bit over whether Katherine will find out their Big Ole Fight, was a Big Ole Fake. 

Meanwhile, Katherine is whispering sweet nothings into a naked Mason’s Big Dog Ears.

“Give me you’re Big Jewels!  I want to grab and squeeze Jewels!  Let me fondle your Wolfy Jewels!”

Yes, boys and girls!  Our girl Katherine has a bit of a one-track mind, it seems.  But Mason, to his credit, doesn’t fall for Katherine’s Little Vampire Games . . . at least, not entirely. 

Despite Katherine’s promises to the contrary, Mason isn’t quite certain that he and the Evil One will live “Happily Ever After,” once he turns over the Moonstone.  In fact, Mason seems a bit concerned that, once he turns over his Fancy Family Jewels, Sexy Times with Katherine will be OVER, with a capital O . . .

 . . . and that would make him one SAD PUPPY.  (Not to mention, give him a WICKED case of these . . .)

As us wily TVD fan’s know, Mason’s right to be skeptical of Katherine’s true intentions.  After all,  she was the one that orchestrated the activation of Mason’s “werewolf curse” to begin with.  You know . . . by compelling that Carrot Top-looking guy to go all Crazy Insane-o on Mason’s ass . . .

SCARY!

So, rather than turn over his Family Jewels right away, Mason decides to . . . hide them in a tight cavernous hole, where the Sun Don’t Shine . . .

Ummm . . . I meant that vervain and snake-filled WELL . . . on the Lockwood Property.  You dirty-minded creatures, you!

And the Newest Recruit to the Salvatore Detective Agency is . . .

 . . . MINI GILBERT!  YAY!

Those of you (like me) who felt it was HIGH TIME that The Littlest Gilbert stopped mourning his Dead Vampire Girlfriends / getting the stuffing beaten out of him, and joined his sister’s Scooby Gang, got their wish this week.  The very brave (or incredibly stupid, depending on how you look at it) boy had precisely NO QUALMS about dropping by La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and paying a visit to the VERY SAME PERSON who actually killed him, during the Season 2 premiere . . .

Yes, go ahead.  By all means, complain that the above picture is inaccurate, because Damon was actually wearing a shirt, during this scene . . . I DARE YOU! 🙂

Using the knowledge he learned last week, during Sexy Times with Tyler, as leverage to gain acceptance into the Salvatore Detective Agency  . . .

 . . . Jeremy shares with Damon valuable information about both the “werewolf curse” and the Lockwood Family Jewels.  But Damon, being Damon, is much more interested in Elena.

Specifically, Damon wants to know if Elena thinks he’s sexy whether Elena knows what Jeremy is currently doing here at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  When Jeremy admits that Elena would NOT want her little brother playing with the likes of Naughty Bad Influence Damon, the Sexy Vampire snarks, “You’re a Gilbert.  You can’t help yourself . . . especially when it comes to ME.

Damon then allows Jeremy entrance into La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and, by extension the Scooby Gang.  (Just call him Scrappy Doo!)

“Mini Gilbert, reporting for duty, SIR!”

The Worst Kept Secret EVER reveals itself . . . TWICE

Over at the Lockwood Mansion, where seemingly EVERY snooty town-related event is held (What . . . no Mystic Falls Convention Center?), approximately half the TVD cast is prepping for next week’s MAJOR game-changing episode entitled “Masquerade the town’s annual Masquerade Ball.  There, Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

 . . . (who was surprisingly significantly less USELESS this week, and actually functioned as a MAJOR plot point) . . .

I know, crazy, right?

 . . . approaches Stefan about coming to the Gilbert house that evening for another rousing game of Pictionary Family Dinner.  In keeping up with his Fake Fight Story, Stefan tells Jenna, that he’d prefer not to come, because he and Elena are taking a “pause.”

PAUSE!

Useless Aunt Jenna then informs Stefan that . . . “That’s not what it sounded like last night.”

OK . . . am I the only one who would find the concept of my aunt / guardian telling my boyfriend how INSANELY LOUD he and I are when we screw, REALLY CREEPY?

“At least now I know what to buy Aunt Jenna for her birthday . . . earplugs . . . REALLY BIG earplugs.”

Oh, and while we are on the subject . . . Elena  . . .

YOU GO, GIRL!

Meanwhile, Bonnie  . . .

 . . . confronts Elena about the cold shoulder she has received from her former bud, ever since the Little Witch started being a BIG b*tch her whole “Vampire Hatred” kick . . . a habit that even extended to the Witch’s former Bestie, Caroline.

“You don’t want to talk to me anymore, Bonnie?  FINE!  But I am SO not letting you borrow my new lipstick!”

When Elena tells Bonnie that her fight with Stefan is a fake one, Bonnie admits that she had NO IDEA the two were even fighting.  *cough* bad friend *cough*  Although Bonnie is not quite ready to Re-Friend Caroline yet, she does seem amenable to making a go at things with Elena again . . . And, all I have to say, is it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME!

Vampy Mama Drama

 Speaking of Caroline, she’s been busy babysitting her vampire-despising Mommy, while the mother/daughter pair wait for the vervain to leave the latter’s system.   This way,  Mama Dearest can be brainwashed into forgetting how her vampire daughter “Did not Shoot the Sheriff, but definitely ATE the Deputy . . .”

At first, Mama Forbes wants nothing to do with her Undead Daughter.  However, as Caroline explains to her mother her new way of life, i.e. drinking blood bags, filched from hospitals, and sucking on the occasional bunny . . .

 . . . Mama Forbes begins to recognize what US fans have already known for about three episodes now . . . Namely, that Vampire Caroline is WAY COOLER, and MUCH LESS ANNOYING than human Caroline ever was!

It’s Time for Yet Another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation . . .

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon’s Bromantic Buddy, Alaric . . .

. . .  has arrived bearing a very nerdy box filled with snoozy information about werewolf lore.  Apparently, according to some lame Aztec Ritual, when it comes to Moonstones, only he (or she) who “made the curse, can break the curse.” 

 Wait . . . isn’t that kind of like, “Who smelt it, dealt it?”

 Ultimately, the Salvatore Detective Agency concludes that, if they want to get to Mason, they have to get his Family Jewels first.  This sounds like a job for . . . Tyler’s hot little lover MINI GILBERT.

When Elena and Stefan find out about Jeremy’s involvement in Damon’s grand plan, they are both majorly pissed.  Elena tells Jeremy not to trust Damon.  Stefan, for his part, gives Damon a Big Ole Bitch Slap . . .

 But these protestations are to no avail.  Scrappy Doo is already on the case!  And there’s nothing anybody can do about it!  (SO THERE!)

After talking to Tyler, Jeremy learns that the almost-wolf has already given Mason back his balls Family Jewels.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  So, the Salvatore Detective Agency decides to put in a pinch hitter, or should I say .  . .  a “witch hitter.”

Bonnie watches the porno in Mason’s Mind . . . and likes it!

When Little Witch Bonnie bumps into Mason, she is nearly bowled over by an exceedingly graphic image of the Wolf doing the horizontal mambo with, what appears to be, her best friend, Elena.

How’d YOU like to watch your best friend “do it?”

So, to show her Bestie just how “loyal” she is, Bonnie gets the brilliant (and by “brilliant” I mean “random and bizarre”) idea to rat Elena out to Stefan, who’s guts Bonnie just so happens to hate.

Fortunately, for Elena, Stefan immediately realizes that the vision Bonnie viewed in Mason’s head was NOT of Elena boinking the wolf, but of Katherine . . .

“You mean my EVIL GENIUS plan to break you two lovebirds up didn’t work?  Dammit!”

After a brief powwow, the Salvatore Detective Agency approach Bonnie and ask for her help.

Specifically, they want Bonnie to give Mason one of her trademark MASSIVE HEADACHES, in order to convince him to give up information about the Moonstone’s location.  Though initially skeptical of the plan, Bonnie ultimately agrees to help.  So, while Mason is incapacitated by a massive migraine, Salvatore Squared use the opportunity to knock him unsconscious, shove him their car, and drive him to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for an intense session of torture interrogation.

At “La Casa,” Bonnie does one of her Jedi Mind Tricks on an unconscious Mason, and finds out that he hid the Moonstone in that Aforementioned Very Special Place. 

Again, I mean . . .THE WELL!  (Will you stop it!)

Bonnie then texts that information to Stefan, who double times it there with Elena. 

After an awkward exchange, “former friends” Bonnie and Caroline decide to head to the well too, “just in case” Elena and Stefan need help . . .

“Hey, Judgy,” Damon calls after Bonnie, as she leaves the house.  “Thank you!”

(And that was the moment that all Bamon shippers simultaneously cheered the fact that Damon FINALLY has a pet name for Bonnie, which doesn’t include the word “witch” or anything that rhymes with it . . .)

All’s Well that Ends . . . Kinda Bloody and Gross

As Elena looks on nervously, Stefan lowers himself into the well.  He’s down there for all of a minute, when the vamp starts screaming like a little girl.  It turns out, Mason distrusted his “lover” Katherine, with his balls Family Jewels SO MUCH, that he filled the whole darn well with vervain!

Not a moment too soon, Bonnie and Caroline come to Elena’s rescue . . .

Quickly, the girls attach Elena to the well’s pulley system, and lower her into the well.  There she finds a VERY GORY looking Stefan, and sends him back up to land via pulley.  Now alone in the well, Elena finds a box containing Mason’s Family Jewels . . .

. . .  too bad it is covered in SNAKES!

All three girls scream like . . . well . . . like girls . .  . as they lift Elena to the surface, just seconds before she is turned into snake food.  Then, as a blood thirsty Caroline turns her head, and Bonnie looks on in horror, Elena cures Stefan’s ailments, once again, by feeding her his blood.

Farewell to Wolfy

While Stefan is busy slurping some Tasty Elena Soup, Damon and Jeremy are at La Casa playing Good Cop / Bad Cop (Bet you can’t guess, who’s who?) with a now conscious, but still chained-to-a-chair Mason.

That’s one HOT BAD Cop!

So, Damon starts poking Mason with his HUGE HARD, and VERY WARM stick, while peppering him with questions about Katherine and her true motives behind wanting the Moonstone.  Unfortunately, all that prodding only turns Mason on . . .

“Hit me Baby.  One more Time!”

 It doesn’t actually convince him to talk.  Fortunately, Scrappy Doo Jeremy has brought along wolfsbane, which is, apparently, the werewolf equivalent of vervain.  (Who said The Vampire Diaries isn’t educational?) 

So, Damon shoves the stuff down the poor dog’s throat.

“STOP!  You are ruining my DIET!  Wolfsbane is SO FATTENING!  What will become of my girlish figure?”

Ultimately, it is not the Big STICK, but the BIG PLANT that finally gets Mason to talk.  The problem is, for all his bluster, the Dude actually has VERY LITTLE to say.  He genuinely loves Katherine!  And he only wanted the Moonstone because SHE told him, it would free him of the werewolf curse. 

“Now, I get it!  You’re just STUPID!”  Damon exclaims.

DING!  DING!  DING!  That’s right, Damon!  Vanna, tell him what he’s won . .

“What can I say?  I’m a fool for love!  (I also have really nice abs . . .)”

Having finally convinced himself, that he had gotten all the information he could get out of Mason, Damon “benevolently” tells Jeremy that the little guy’s work for the Salvatore  Detective  Agency has been completed.   He can go home now

.  But Jeremy doesn’t want to go home.  He wants to stay and make sure Damon doesn’t convert “Stupid Mason” into doggie kibble.

Damon’s not too keen on insubordination amongst his employees.  And so, he gently reminds Jeremy what is expected of him . . .

“SERIOUSLY?  I can’t have ONE single episode, where I don’t get my ass kicked?  Just ONE!  That’s all I ask  . .”

“Suck it up or LEAVE!” Damon tells Jeremy, in no uncertain terms.

And . . . since Mini Gilbert has never been much of a SUCKER . . . he chooses the latter . . .

With Mini Gilbert gone, Damon turns his attention back to a now very frightened Mason.  “I look at you, and I see myself . . . only less dashing, and less intelligent,” Damon explains cordially.

Truer words were never spoken . . .

“I love her,” Mason wimpers pathetically. 

Damon’s face softens.  For a single moment, he looks at his captive, with pity and understanding.  “I’ve been where you are.  Katherine will rip your heart out.”

“Let me do it for her,” he concludes.

And then . . . Damon STABS MASON IN THE HEART, KILLING HIM, before wrapping him in a fancy Oriental Rug, like a Pig-in-a-Blanket . . . or, rather . . . a BIG FAT HOT DOG.

Who said romance was dead?

Thrilled with the rush of his kill, and high on vengeance, Damon then makes a decision he will literally regret forever.  (You see, that’s one of the downsides of immortality.  A complete inability to EVER escape from yourself.) 

After texting Tyler’s Mom from Mason’s phone, to explain Mason’s upcoming ETERNAL absence, Damon can’t resist calling up Katherine to gloat about her now-dead boyfriend.  As can be expected, Katherine does NOT take losing well . . .

“Awwww MAN!  Why didn’t I get to kill Old Yeller Mason ?  No FAIR!”

Yet, despite her OBVIOUS ire, Katherine manages to keep her cool on the phone.  “Do you honestly think I don’t have a Plan B?”  She inquires cooly.  “Send my love to Stefan,”  Katherine concludes, before hanging up the phone.

“We are SO screwed . . .”

While Damon and Stefan are fretting over Katherine’s cryptic words, Caroline is back in the dungeon, excitedly recounting for her mother, her recent adventures in “Well Rescue.”  To Caroline’s complete surprise, her mother TOTALLY shares in her excitement, fanginess and all.

“You’ve become such a strong and confident person,” says Liz Forbes, paying her daughter the first compliment the two have exchanged, since the series began.  “You don’t have to take my memories away.  Just tell them you compelled me . . . You can trust me.”

“I know I can trust you,” says Caroline tearfully.  “But you will never be able to trust them [Stefan and Damon],” she concludes.

Realizing that the vervain has now completely left her mother’s system, Caroline begins to compel her mother to forget the past few days, and believe, instead, that she has spent them home with the flu.  “And then everything went back to normal.  And I started to ignore you again,” finishes Caroline, thereby erasing ALL of the progress these two had made in their relationship throughout this ordeal.

Kind of sucks, right?

On a positive note, Caroline’s complete loyalty to Stefan and Damon show’s a good deal of growth and self-sacrifice, on her part.  Additionally, Caroline’s ability to bond with her mother, even for just a short while, demonstrates a maturity in Caroline we haven’t seen up to this point.  She’s going to be OK, that Baby Vamp!

Vampire Katherine’s Revenge

“I’ll get you my pretty, and you’re Useless Aunt Jenna TOO!”

Elena returns home to find Alaric and Useless Aunt Jenna still preparing dinner.  Elena relays her busy day to Alaric, while Jenna chats to SOMEONE on the phone.  Jenna then absentmindedly hands Elena the telephone, and walks away.

In that special sing-song voice utilized by all Super Villains when they are monologuing about their dastardly deeds, Katherine begins to explain to Elena how she KNOWS about her “fake breakup” with Stefan.  (And, honestly, who did those two think they were fooling?  They couldn’t even trick moronic Aunt Jenna into thinking they were broken up, for crying out loud!)

Speaking of Useless Aunt Jenna . . .  I’m about to feel momentarily guilty about ranking on her during all these episodes .  . .but . . .only momentarily  . .. of course.  I suspect I’ll be over it, by next week .  . . maybe earlier

You see, not only did Katherine realize what Elena was doing with Stefan, she also figured out that Elena was protecting her Aunt, by putting vervain in her perfume and her tea.  So Katherine, posing as Elena, convinced Aunt Jenna not to use all that “protection stuff,” thus making the woman her unwitting slave.

Sure enough, Elena twirls around to find Aunt Jenna stabbing herself in the chest with a carving knife.

Breakdowns and Breakups

I know this is probably an inappropriate time to bring this up, but  . . . Is it just me, or is Mini Gilbert looking ALL KINDS of hot, lately?

At the hospital, Jeremy comforts an inconsolate Elena, who feels completely responsible for what happened to Aunt Jenna.  (Auntie’s fine by the way . . . At least, for now.)  “It’s going to be OK,” Jeremy whispers in his Big Sister’s ear sweetly. 

“No . . . It’s not,” she says dejectedly.

“I don’t know how, but she is going to pay,” responds Mini Gilbert, with determination.

GO GET HER, SCRAPPY DOO!

Upon leaving the hospital, a still tearful Elena heads directly to La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  There, she finds Stefan, shaking and quietly crying by the fireplace. 

(By the way, kudos to both Nina and Paul for a remarkable job, on what was undoubtedly an extremely difficult scene.)

 

“Stefan, I’m so sorry,” whispers Elena, her face red and raw from crying.  “We were stupid sneaking around.  We did this.  Jenna is in the hospital.  Jeremy can be next.  This is because we didn’t listen to her.”

Stefan is full-on crying now.  “I know what you’re going to say,” he says softly.  “Please, don’t say it.”

“I’ve been so selfish, because I love you so much.  It’s over.  It has to be,” concludes Elena, before running from the room.

A distraught Damon stops Elena at the door. 

 Of course, Damon loves Elena.  Of course, he wants to be with her.  But, like many of us staunch Damon and Elena fans watching at home, Damon didn’t want this.   For things to end between Stefan and Elena, in this way, seems crueler somehow, than if they betrayed one another, or simply fell out of love.  Because this is the type of heartbreak you don’t move on from.  

And Damon . . . well . . . he feels partly responsible for what happened to his brother, and the woman of his dreams.

“When I rang Katherine up . . . I didn’t think that,” he fumbles, uncertain of how to continue.

“Damon, she won.  Katherine won,” replies Elena sadly, before closing the door.

Katherine’s Plan B

In a shocking final twist, we learn that Katherine needs a werewolf to make use of the Moonstone in the way she sees fit.  And so, without Mason as her pawn, Katherine is required to find another prospective werewolf to help complete her plan.  And that werewolf will be THIS GUY . . .

You guessed it . . . it’s Tyler.  But in order for Tyler to become a werewolf, he’s gotta commit murder.  And if Katherine has her way, he will kill . . . Big Ole Blue Eyes himself, Matt.

In the final moments of the episode, we see Katherine compelling a glazey eyed Matt (just as Damon compelled that now-dead Connor guy, and Katherine,  compelled that Carrot Top guy, before him) to pick a fight with Tyler, and not to back down until Tyler kills him.

First Aunt Jenna, now Matt . . . Oh my!

In most places, being clueless is a liability.   But, apparently, in Mystic Falls, it can be DEADLY . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Those darn kids! – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Ex-Husbands and Wives”

In tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl, our Upper East Side Scooby Gang banded together to “save” one of their own (Serena) from a common enemy.  Unfortunately, not everyone was playing for keeps.  Bet you can’t guess which member of our Scooby Crew was being a total b&tch?

When the episode begins, Serena is helping Blair pick out an outfit for her date with . .  . well according to IMDB, his name was “Cameron,” but I couldn’t have told you that, without cheating and looking it up.  If you recall, “Cameron” was the guy Blair almost kissed a couple of episodes ago at that Brooklyn party, to make Chuck jealous.  IMDB also told me that the actor who plays him is Ben Yanette.

He’s the one pictured above who isn’t Blair . . . the one wearing the Mr. Rogers sweater . . .

And while “Cameron” was cute in a sort of bland way, to the writers’ credit, they didn’t make any bones about the fact that this dull dude isn’t going to be around for the long haul.  (I mean, come on, he was on a first date with Blair Waldorf, and he talked about “rugby.”  Who does that?)   So, anyway, even though Serena is supposed to be helping Blair prepare for her date, in true van der Woodsen fashion, she finds a way to make this all about her.  “I found out that Rufus is cheating on my mom with our neighbor,” Serena whines.

Blair tries to be supportive of her friend.  However, she clearly has misgivings about Serena’s supposition.  “No way would another Upper East Sider schtup Rufus,” asserts Blair later, when talking to Nate and Dan.  (Way to go Blair, using the Yiddish!)  “What?  My stepdad’s Jewish!”  Blair explains, when Nate and Dan look at her, as if she just told them she enjoys shopping for clothes at Walmart.

“Schtup? Is that like a new fashion designer or something?  Think he has a men’s line?”

Back in Brooklyn, a grounded and very gothy looking, Jenny is chatting on the phone with Chuck.  The two are plotting to prove that the pills Dr. van der Woodsen is prescribing to Lily are not pills typically used to cure cancer.  Jenny, of course, had figured this out, last week, by doing a websearch using the search engine that is clearly the CW’s biggest sponsor.  After all, it appears at least once on literally EVERY CW show.

Bing . . .  the only search engine clinically proven to cure cancer.

So, Rufus catches Jenny chatting with Chuck and takes her phone away.  So, Jenny makes some lame excuse about not having her “stuff” with her, and sends Rufus traipsing to La Casa de van der Woodsen like the big wimp he is, to retrieve Jenny’s personal belongings.  When Rufus arrives, he runs into Serena, who tells him to leave, in no uncertain terms.  Conveniently, the ENTIRE van der Woodsen / Humphrey clan (and Nate – What was he doing there?) are here to witness this exchange.  When pressed as to why she is being such a total ass to Rufus, Serena explains that she believes him to be “schtupping” the neighbor, whose name is Holland (And if there was ever a name reserved JUST for rich and snobby people . . . that’s the one.)

But at least they have nice tulips . . .

So, Brilliant Rufus gets the fabulous idea to bring Holland down to the apartment to set things straight.

  . . . rhymes with Doofus.

So, of course, Holland . . .

 . . . repeats to virtually the entire cast of Gossip Girl (and special guest star, William Baldwin)  . . .

Was it just me, or did he look HOTTER during this episode, for some reason?

 . . . the same thing she told Serena last week, “I totally schtupped Rufus.”  (OK, she didn’t exactly say it like that.  But she should have.)

Most of the cast looks shocked by Slutty McNeighbor Holland’s admission. 

 But Serena and Dr. VDW seem to be having a particularly difficult time hiding the sh*t-eating grins from their faces.

Separately, bromantic buddies, Nate and Dan, and worst-prospective-couple EVER (hint, hint GG writers) Chuck and Jenny, decide to hunt down Holland . . .

Last time, I promise . . .

 . . . and expose her for the fraud they know she is.  Both groups also decide that they need an “expert” to do their dirty work for them.  Who is this expert, you’re wondering?

Duh!

(By the way, I’m not typically a girl who obsesses over television fashions, but Leighton Meester had the best wardrobe EVER for this episode.  There wasn’t one thing she wore that I wouldn’t purchase . . . if I could actually afford it . . . which I can’t.)

Jenny and Chuck approach Blair for help first, and she turns them down.  After all, she’s still pissed at Chuck for pimping her out to the EVIL Jack Bass, a few weeks back.  And Jenny . . . well, she just pretty much thinks Jenny sucks.  Fortunately, Nate and Dan fare a bit better in their quest, and Blair agrees to help them.  With the entire Scooby crew now fully in tact, the group head down to Holland’s office, because apparently she’s a psychiatrist of some sort.  (I could have sworn that the first time Rufus met Holland, she told him she was a house wife.  But maybe I’m wrong.) 

As it turns out, it was Holland who prescribed the pills for Lily.  And the pills were NOT for curing cancer, but for curing some other ailment entirely.  Apparently, Holland also had the pills repackaged into “cancer pill” bottles, so that Lily wouldn’t be suspicious.  Not that she would be, anyway.  I get the impression that, like Doofus, Lily-brain isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

“But at least I’m pretty!”

Why did Holland do this, you ask?  Well, apparently, she owed Dr. VDW a “favor” i.e. he had something on her, and blackmailed her ass.  I imagine she also wanted to ACTUALLY schtup Rufus, instead of just pretending to do it.  Although, publicly calling your crush out as an adulterer is not exactly the recipe for starting a healthy relationship . . .

Now, it was up to the Upper East Side Scooby Crew to expose Dr. VDW as the Big Fat (but kind of hot for a middle-aged dude) Liar that he was.  And, because it wouldn’t be Gossip Girl without a random fancy party, the group decides to make their move at some library charitable event thing.  The plan?  Corner Holland with the information they have against her and make her squeal like a pig. 

(BTW, there was a cute scene, where Chuck and Blair approach the shrink, under the guise of seeking relationship adivce, and REALLY tell her their actual problems with one another.  It didn’t further the plot along all that much, but it was nice to see these two working off one another, and being funny together again.)

What the Scooby Crew didn’t count on?  Little J going all Benedict Arnold on them . . .

Jenny’s sudden change of heart and rationale for suddenly WANTING VDW to succeed in his plan to singlehandedly drug her stepmom and RUIN her dad’s relationship, was a bit unclear.  Perhaps, Little J finally realized that her unfortunate wardrobe, untenable weave, and racoon-inspired makeup style . . .

Little J is having a bad day . . .

 . . . were never really going to cut it on the Upper East Side.   Anyway, Jenny hides the evidence against Dr. VDW, and warns him to take his family and ditch the party, before Holland can squeal on him.  Crafty Dr. VDW plans an impromptu trip to Bali on “medical emergency.”  However, before the van der Woodsens can get out of dodge, Scooby Gang comes to expose him.  Dr. VDW excuses himself, promising to return with evidence to prove his innocence, but instead, heads to the airport, leaving a very depressed Serena waiting for him alone in the lobby.

Now, I’ll never get to meet Alec or Stephen . . .

As if plotting against Serena’s “happy” family reunion, wasn’t enough, Good Ole Nate hammers the final nail into the coffin containing his relationship with Serena, by calling the cops on Dr. VDW.

Sorry, I just really wanted to use this picture again . . .

When Serena confronts Dr. VDW at the airport, he comes clean to her, explaining how he had actually treated Lily, back when she came to visit him, but fell in love with her again, in the process.  He did all this bad stuff, because he thought it would be the only way Lily would let him back into her life.  Dr. VDW then has the gall to ask Serena to come away with him.   And, I’m sorry, but it really sounds more like a sex proposition than anything else. 

(Sidenote:  Billy Baldwin really grew on me throughout his guest appearance.   He’s cute and a good actor.  And I definitely started to like him better than Snoozy Rufus.  And yet, I couldn’t help but feel like he was interpreting some of his lines in a “hit on Blake Lively” sort of way.)

Serena refuses to “escape” with him, telling him, “I don’t forgive you.” 

However, she does care about him enough to tell him to fly away, before the PoPo arrive.  And fly away he does.  Then Serena returns to her limo to find none other than Snoozy Dan waiting with a boring shoulder for her to cry on.  But is he there for moral support, or something more?

Good lord, not again!  You do realize you two are STILL related.  Don’t you?

At the end of the episode, Chuck and Blair share a sweet and quiet, albeit slightly contrived, scene that will undoubtedly lead us into next week’s finale, entitled Last Tango, then Paris . . .

Chuck tries to get Blair to admit that she “felt something” for him when the two were playing “couple” at the party.  Blair denies it.  So, he gives her an ultimatum.  “Meet me at the top of the Empire State Building, at 7:00 p.m.  If you are not there by 7:01, I will close my heart to you forever.”

“You can’t affair to remember me,” remarks Blair.

But Affair to Remember her, Chuck does.  And it was a sweet gesture.  Although, I am not exactly sure why Chuck specifically chose 7:00pm as the couple’s meeting time.  I actually never saw Affair to Remember (I’m a big disappointment to “Girl Kind,” I know).  But I’m wondering if that was the time they were supposed to meet in the movie?  If not, my best guess is that Chuck is big Jeopardy fan . . .

 . . . and if he’s about to get dumped, the last thing he wants to do is miss his favorite show, on account of it.

Although Blair initially seems immune to Chuck’s charms, Chair fans can’t help but notice that she looks longingly up at the Empire State Building, as snoozy “Cameron” talks about rugby, during the final moments of the episode.

Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot, Jenny ran away from home . . .  AGAIN.  This time, it looks like she’s staying at Chuck’s and Nate’s place, which is wrong on SO MANY LEVELS!

That’s all folks.  See ya next week, for the big Season Finale.  Can’t wait that long?  Head to Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair for all your finale and spoiler needs.

XOXO

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Filed under Gossip Girl

The Good, The Bad, and The Zombies – A Vampire Diaries Recap of “Fool Me Once”

There must be something in the water in TV Land this week. On Tuesday’s episode of Lost, there was much talk of “zombies.” Actually, the Lost zombies were not exactly of the “eat brains” variety.  Rather, they fell more into the “spiritually empty” realm of zombie-ism.  But they were zombies, nonetheless.

“On second thought . . . eating brains would be a really good way to reduce my carb intake.”

The “zombies” in tonight’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, however, were a bit more literal-minded. These entombed undead bloodsuckers certainly looked the part, with their vacant stares, cob-webbed attire, and skin falling-offy faces.

“Fool Me Once” was not exactly The Vampire Diaries’ prettiest episode, nor its strongest. There was a lot of bad and ugly here, and not all of it included Katherine’s decrepit, centuries-old, friends.  But there were definitely some highpoints to this, the last episode of the series, before it goes  on a month-long hiatus. So, without further adieu, let us separate the dead from the undead, shall we?

“Living” it Up in Motel Vampire

The episode begins with Elena waking up in a shabby motel room, to find vigilant Vampire Ben McKittrick holding her captive.  Or, at least, he would be vigilant, if he wasn’t fast asleep. A frightened Elena tiptoes toward the door. As you watch her, you just know Hot Bartender Vamp is going to jump out, give her a scare, and prevent her from leaving (the “fake escape,” is, after all, the oldest trick in the horror movie book).

When Ben does jump out for the obligatory scare, he tries to compel Elena to stay captive, by using that mind bendy thing they showed in the trailer. Of course, that ended up being a tease. Elena is still wearing her vervain necklace at the time, and, therefore, is immune to his “charms.”

Creepy Stalker Vamp Anna then jumps out and scolds Ben for his stupidity.  And, I have to say, given that they used such a hot actor to play Ben, I was a bit disappointed with the blandness of his two-episode character arc. (Stefan literally torched Hot Bartender Vamp at the end of this episode, so I’m pretty sure he’s gone for good.) Granted, The Vampire Diaries already has its share of sexy and brooding bad boys, but I think Ben had the potential to be more than Anna’s bumbling sidekick.

“I coulda been a contendah!”

Anyway, after suffering through what was officially the worst date ever, Bonnie is stuck slumming it in Motel De Vamp too. As it turns out, Vampire Anna has decided to use Elena and Bonnie as bait to get the Grinimore from Stefan.  (Is it just me, or is Elena used as “bait” in every single episode?)

With the help of Bonnie’s Witchy Grandma, Stefan finds the motel where Elena and Bonnie are being held captive, and rescues them by performing the heroic act of . . . wait for it . . . opening the window shades. Yeah, apparently, unlike Stefan, Damon, and Anna, D-list Vampire Ben not only cannot venture out doors during daylight, he cannot experience any sunlight whatsoever.

Back safe and sound at Witchy Grandma’s house, the Scooby Gang decides to help Damon to open the tomb, if only to get Creepy Stalker Vampire and her various D-list minions off their back. There is one problem with this.  After having been betrayed by the Scooby Gang in the last episode, Damon basically hates their guts . . . Elena offers to take one for the team, and reestablish with Damon the trust that has been broken between them.

“WOO HOO! YIPPEE! An Elena and Damon scene! I knew there was a reason I watched this show . . .”

It’s Just a Matter of Trust and Fashion Facilitation

One of the worst things about being single (for me anyway), is that there is no one there to help you unzip your dresses and secure the clasps on your bracelets and necklaces. Clearly, Elena Gilbert will never have this problem. In what was, of course, my favorite scene of the evening. Elena comes to Damon with her tail between her legs, ready to grovel.

Elena recognizes that Damon was more hurt by Elena’s betrayal at the cemetery last week than Stefan’s, due to the special connection these two have with one another. “You and I have something,” Elena explains, using as evidence the fact that Damon chose not to compel her when the two went down to Georgia together a couple of episodes ago.

“Who says, I didn’t,” challenges Damon, who gets some glee at seeing Elena flinch at his remark.

In a bold move to earn his respect and trust, Elena removes her vervain necklace, allowing Damon total control over her. Touched by the gesture, Damon moves toward her and takes the necklace. However, instead of tossing it away, he gently reattaches it to Elena’s neck. “I didn’t compel you in Atlanta, because we were having fun.  And I wanted it to be real.  I am trusting you.  Don’t make me regret it,” whispers Damon in Elena’s ear.

Wow . . . Please excuse me for a moment, while I wipe the drool off my keyboard . . .

The Lamest Party Ever

“Hey, what do you say we play a rollicking game of bingo when we get home?”

Remember shows like The O.C., where there was a party in every episode, and at every party there was at least one fight and one drug overdose? I do, and for that reason, I was massively disappointed by “Duke’s Cemetery Party.” After all, we had all the makings for a truly awesome party here.

For starters, it was at a cemetery filled with vampires.  Second, Tyler was there! And he likes to beat everyone up! Third, Jeremy was there! And he used to like to get wasted ALL THE TIME! Finally, new couple Matt and Caroline were there! Surely, I can count on them for some heavy petting and steamy necking.

What did I get instead? Tyler lecturing Jeremy about how he used to “be cool.” Jeremy moping around in the corner, mooning over Anna.  Sure, Vampire Ben ended up punching Jeremy’s lights out.  But it wasn’t nearly as much fun to watch as you would think.

And how about our hot new love couple: Matt and Caroline? Did they spend the episode heating up the screen with their newfound passion for one another? Not exactly. Instead, they made “Speeches” to each other and had in-depth philosophical conversations about how to make their relationship work. I  felt as though I had inadvertently changed channels away from my hot and sexy teen drama and, had instead found a talk show starring him . . .

This couple showed a lot of promise with their adorably sexy “car kiss” at the end of last weeks episode. However, the fact that they are already psychoanalyzing one another during the second week of their relationship, doesn’t bode well for them . . . AT ALL!

In Other, More Exciting, News . . .

Back at the tomb, Bonnie and her Grandma successfully complete the spell that will open the gates to Vampireland. Damon enters the tomb with Elena, who is accompanying him as, you guessed it, bait. You see, Damon fears that, without Elena, the witches will burn the tomb down with him still inside it. And we soon find out, that’s exactly what Granny plans to do.

When Vampire Anna rushes in after Damon to retrieve her Mommy, Grandma explains to Bonnie that the spell they cast will allow anyone to enter the tomb, but only humans, like Elena, to exit. While Damon is searching for Katherine, Anna finds her now Crypt Keeper-esque Mommy and tries to feed Elena to her. Elena screams out, causing Stefan to run to her rescue.

Now that a vampire they actually like is stuck in the tomb, Bonnie and Grandma are forced to open it for real. When they do, Anna and her mother rush out, as do Stefan and Elena. Unfortunately, an increasingly frantic Damon is still inside searching for Katherine.  Stefan returns to the tomb and drags a reluctant Damon out seconds before it closes.

Anna confesses to a heartbroken Damon that she always knew Katherine wasn’t in that tomb. Apparently, Anna had run into Katherine a few years back, and the latter seemed to have no intention of finding Damon again.  In a surprisingly sweet scene, Stefan returns home with Damon to comfort him over his heartbreak.

The Vampire Diaries = Ageist?

Back at La Casa de Bonnie, Grandma isn’t looking so hot. It seems that this evening of staying up late and casting spells has taken its toll on her.  When Bonnie leaves the room to get her grandmother tea, she returns to find her dead.

This really dusts my doilies! After all, Grandma was the only sensible non-vampire adult in the whole show (unless you count Jenna and Alaric, which I don’t). Not only was she smart, but she was tough as nails. After all, she beat the crap out of Damon using only her mind!Am I supposed to believe that a hardcore witch like this would meet her demise as a result of merely muttering a few words in Latin? Come on The Vampire Diaries, don’t you realize that old people can be fun? Haven’t you ever seen The Golden Girls?

. . or that awesome Snickers Superbowl commercial starring Betty White?

But I digress.  After a few heart-wrenching moments of mourning dear old Grandma, we return to the infamous tomb, which turns out to be not-so-much closed, as a zombie-esque decrepit dude finds out when he merely pushes lightly on the door . . .

Personally, I would have liked to see all the zombies emerge and do The Thriller dance here, because that would have been awesome.  But no such luck . . .

Well, there you have it folks . . . See you on March 25th!

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Dawson’s Creek’s Pacey and Joey: The Fictional Television Super Couple That Ruined Me for All of My Future Relationships

           In honor of that not-so-fabulous upcoming February Holiday that shall remain nameless, I decided to pay tribute to one of my favorite television couples of all time.  Yes, boys and girls, before she met a man named Tom Cruise, before the “couch-jumping incident,” before Suri and scientology, Katie Holmes was just a girl named Joey Potter who fell in love with a boy named Pacey Witter.

              What follows is the Cliff Notes version (clips that make you go “awww” included) of the aforementioned couple’s relationship, which was carried out during the course of the show’s six seasons.  Special thanks go out to all the folks that posted these very special clips on YouTube, thus making my homage all the more complete . . .

 Season 1

            Like all great television couples, Pacey Witter and Joey Potter began the series hating each other.  Well, perhaps “hate” is too strong of a word.  But the two definitely didn’t exactly enjoy one other’s company . . . at least at first. 

                 When we first meet Joey, she is a shy and bookish tomboy from the wrong side of the Creek.  With a mother who died of cancer when Joey was only thirteen and a father in prison for drug trafficking, Miss Potter’s idea of a good time is climbing a ladder into the bedroom of her childhood pal, Dawson Leery (with whom she is secretly in love) crawling into his bed, and spending the evening watching old Steven Spielberg movies.

            Pacey is Dawson’s other best pal.  Son of the alcoholic local police chief, and the youngest of five children, Pacey begins the series as a skirt-chasing underachiever, who uses humor and sarcasm to hide his insecurities. At this point in the series, Pacey is best known for having a brief and highly inappropriate sexual relationship with his English teacher.

            Episode 11 – Double Date

            In Season 1, Pacey and Joey have little to do with one another, aside from the exchange of a few nasty barbs here and there.  After all, as I mentioned, Pacey is busy diddling the Teacher and Joey is coping with her unrequited feelings for Dawson.  And yet, in Episode 11, we see the first signs that things between the two may be about to change.  Forced to work together on an extra credit science project involving the mating habits of snails, Pacey and Joey find that they (gasp) actually enjoy one another’s company. 

             After a trip that the two take to the local pond gets hot and heavy, Pacey starts to think he may even have feelings for Joey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxsUNUp-lqI

            Suddenly jonesing for some Joey-loving, Pacey confronts Dawson, while the latter is at a carnival pursuing his crush, Jen Lindley.  Young Witter asks Dawson for permission to pursue Joey.  After Dawson gives his OK (which he later reneges upon), Pacey tries to kiss Joey, but is rebuffed.  As it turns out, she likes him as a friend, but does not return his affections . . . yet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPUX6TwUAYg

Season 3

            Most of Season 2 deals with the dramatic rise and fall of the relationship between Joey and Dawson (snooze), while Pacey is involved in a tumultuous fling with the annoyingly perky, and neurotically brainy Andie (double snooze).  However, at the end of that Season, Joey dumps Dawson, after he forces her to turn her own father over to the cops for dealing cocaine once again.  (A pretty good reason to dump someone, right?)

            Episode 36 – Like a Virgin 

               Despite that, as Season 3 opens, Joey throws herself at Dawson, hoping to give their relationship another shot.  And yet, Dumb Ass Dawson inexplicably denies her access to his manly parts.  After totally embarrassing the woman he supposedly still loves, Dawson goes to his best friend Pacey, now newly single after his girlfriend Andie was shipped off to the funny farm, and asks him to “look out for Joey.”  (Note to all of you men out there:  It is a BAD idea to have your hotter, sexier, funnier, and more charming best friend take care of the woman you love, while you are busy figuring out your issues.)

             Bad news for Dawson, but great news for us, because now the relationship between Pacey and Joey can truly begin in earnest.  The chemistry between the prospective couple is already evident in this heartfelt scene between them at the conclusion of the episode.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33_RzuieC6I

            Episode 44 – Four to Tango

            So, while Dawson is busy contemplating his navel, Pacey and Joey begin to develop a friendship.  In search of a college scholarship, Joey commandeers Pacey to partner up with her in a ballroom dancing class.  Pacey agrees to do this for Joey in exchange for her tutoring him in math.  Unbeknownst to Joey, Pacey, at this time, is engaging in a “friends with benefits” sort of relationship with the slutty Jen Lindley.

            Unfortunately, slutty equals sloppy, for Pacey and Jen.  And when Dawson finds a condom wrapper on the floor of his bedroom, shortly after Pacey has left, the former becomes convinced that Pacey is having an affair with Joey.  Hilarity ensues when the four confront each other at a ballroom dancing class.  There, Jen begins to suspect that romantic feelings are developing between Joey and Pacey.  She, therefore, breaks things off with her former sex toy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtBtO6fM3EE

Episode 47 – A Weekend in the Country

               In this almost sickeningly sweet episode, Pacey rallies the Capeside Scooby Gang to help Joey and her family to run a newly-opened bed and breakfast.  Much to Joey’s chagrin, he even contacts a famous hotel reviewer to drop in on the place.  Thanks mostly to Pacey, the bed and breakfast receives a favorable review.

              That night, Jen’s grandmother tells the Scooby Gang a story about the love of her life.  She explains that if a person truly loves someone, he or she could be content simply sitting for hours and watching that person sleep.  At the episode’s conclusion, Pacey returns to the B&B to find Joey fast asleep on the couch.  I think you can guess what happens . . . (No, not that . . . he actually just watches her sleep.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rSpeozS8pM&feature=related

Episode 48 – Valentine’s Day Massacre

                In this episode, Pacey once again rallies the Scooby Gang around him, only this time it is to attend a keg party thrown by one of Capeside High’s resident assholes.  When the party gets busted, the whole crew is thrown in the drunk tank.  As Joey scolds Dawson for his uncharacteristically bad behavior that night, a highly inebriated Pacey interrupts her, jealously chastising the pair for their agonizing on-again, off-again relationship, before puking in a nearby toilet.

            In the following scene, Pacey admits to his older brother that Joey is the kind of beautiful that “gives you butterflies.”  At the end of the episode, Pacey stops by Joey’s house.  But instead of telling her how he feels about her, he simply offers to teach her how to drive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j-ouKoUKrc

Episode 50 – Crime and Punishment

               In this episode, the budding artist Joey is selected to paint a mural to be displayed at Capeside High School.  When one of Capeside High’s resident assholes (coincidentally the same asshole who threw the party in Episode 48) defaces the mural, Pacey beats the crap out of him.  He then rents Joey a wall in town so that she has an outlet for her artistic expression.  Seriously, how many of your significant others would be willing to buy you a wall?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNTdsm5Vu3w&feature=PlayList&p=590783AAD5312C95&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3

Episode 52 – Cinderella Story

               When a romantic weekend with a random college guy goes horribly awry, a heartbroken Joey calls Pacey in the middle of the night to rescue her.  On the drive home, Joey admits that Pacey and Dawson are the only two people in the world who really “know [Joey].”  Overcome with emotion, Pacey abruptly pulls the car off the road, and plants a hot wet one on an unsuspecting Joey.  Sparks fly . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3tXZNN_7H8&feature=PlayList&p=590783AAD5312C95&index=4&playnext=2&playnext_from=PL

Episode 54 – Stolen Kisses

              When the Scooby Gang travels to Dawson’s aunt’s house for Spring Break, Pacey finds himself overwhelmed by the vast amount of history that exists between childhood friends and former lovers, Dawson and Joey.  When he leaves the house in a huff, Joey runs after him.  Joey then admits that Pacey’s touch “makes her feel alive.”  Allowing her ten seconds to stop him, Pacey grabs Joey and the two share a passionate kiss with one another, before being discovered by Dawson’s aunt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j22v3cvZ_XU&feature=PlayList&p=590783AAD5312C95&index=7

            Later that night, Joey and Pacey discuss the difficulties inherent in their relationship.  And yet, despite the problems they know it will cause in their social circle, Joey and Pacey find themselves overtaken by passion for one another.  This time, Joey grabs Pacey and kisses him!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_ArKz1plLA&NR=1

Episode 57 – The Anti Prom

            Pacey and Joey’s new-found bliss is short-lived, however, and shortly after Stolen Kisses, the two break it off, in hopes of salvaging their now-broken respective relationships with a hurt Dawson.  At an alternative prom that the Scooby Gang puts together so that their homosexual friend, Jack, can attend with his boyfriend, Pacey and Joey share a heart-wrenching slow dance.  The fire between them becomes instantly apparent to everyone, including Dawson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtkd7YS4Gg8

Episode 58 – True Love

              Unable to cope with the loss of his relationship with Joey, Pacey decides to run away, choosing to spend the summer at sea on his boat, aptly named “True Love.”  Joey is torn between spending the summer rebuilding her friendship with Dawson (zzzzzzz), and following her heart with Pacey (Yippeee!!!).  In the final moments of the episode, she makes her choice . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaYyK63YSS0&NR=1

Duh!

Season 4

            Episode 72 – A Winter’s Tale

            Joey and Pacey spend most of Season 4 as a couple.  However, as is the case with most television couples, the actual relationship is never nearly as exciting as the build up.  And yet, despite all this, Season 4 contains within it, one of the best Joey and Pacey moments of the whole series.  This scene effectively defines and encapsulates the pair’s entire relationship.  In this episode, Joey and Pacey finally decide to do the deed on a school ski trip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lg1L3ZS5EQ

             Is it any wonder, that despite nearly two entire seasons apart (Season’s 5 and 6 were probably the show’s weakest, in my humble opinion), these two crazy kids got back together in the Series Finale?   I was going to include a clip of this as well.  However, seeing as most of the finale episode was fairly maudlin (a big chunk of time was spent coping with Jen’s untimely death), I decided the hot and steamy sex scene was a nicer place to end.  Wouldn’t you agree?

            Suffice it to say that, in my mind at least, Pacey and Joey lived happily ever after. (Coincidentally, in my mind, Tom Cruise eternally remains Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee, his character from A Few Good Men.  A nice and naively idealistic place, that mind of mine . . .). 

           Of course, all I got out of this relationship was a whole lot of baggage and a bunch of YouTube clips to fawn over.  Happy V-day to me! 🙂

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Filed under Dawson's Creek, Television Super Couples