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Casualties of War – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Insatiable”

dying ali

Hey there, Werebangers!  This week on Teen Wolf, our Scooby Gang learned that, when you are fighting an evil fox spirit with a penchant for shoving flies into its enemies orifices, casualties of war are inevitable.  And sometimes those casualties might come in the form of people you always assumed would be safe, because they are in the main title sequence of the show .  . .

allison bamf heir of slytherin

That’s right, boys and girls.  Jeff Davis actually went and killed off Allison Argent, one of Teen Wolf’s Big Four, a decision that will undoubtedly alter the feel and dynamic of the show for the rest of its run.  Regardless of how you felt about Allison as a character, and the way she was utilized throughout the series (first as a love interest, then as a surprise villain, then as a redemption story, and finally, as wallpaper), Teen Wolf fans cannot doubt the impact of her presence on the show for its past three seasons.

allison tear heir of slytherin

And so, without further adieu, I present to you the episode that will forever go down in Teen Wolf history as Allison Argent’s Swan Song . . .

scream for al

(It will also go down in history as the episode with Two Stiles!  Talk about Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun.)

more dancing stiles

 

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

[As always, a big hearty thank you goes out to my screencapping pal Andre, who I think would pull an evil mind controlling fly out of my mouth, if I asked nicely . . . though I suspect he’d do it wearing a surgical glove, and would make certain I’d at least brushed my teeth first.]

Open Your Mouth and Say Ahhhh

hand in mouth

 

“This is more uncomfortable than that time my brother stuck his hand up my ass and merged bodies with me.

What a fun way to begin an episode!  Deaton decides to exorcise Isaac, Aiden and Ethan of their demons the old fashioned way, by sticking his hand down their throat and making them puke them out in the shower.   (I guess having the wolves do it themselves would have made it seem like Teen Wolf promotes bulimia?)

not sexy mouth

 

Deep Throat 2: Dig Deeper

Speaking of exorcise, Stiles finally mans up and gets his Oni-induced self-tattoo . . .

teen wolf stiles - Copy

 

“Can’t I just get a hickey instead?”

got you now

“We meet again.”

so beautiful

“You know, since we are going the whole tattoo route, I was thinking you could give me something a bit more original . . . like Batman or the Abominable Snowman.”

tattoo

“Or you could just give me the same old boring backwards S everybody else has . . . whichever you think is best.”

. . . thus proving him to no longer be a possessed evil demon, but rather someone with whom many Soap Opera characters can relate: The Guy with the Evil Twin.

good stiles

 

bad stiles more

 

“I’m the hot one!”

Speaking of Stiles’ Less Snarky But More Swaggery other half, he’s chillin in the basement of Eichen House with a kidnapped Lydia, trying to charm her with his best nogitsune pickup lines . . .

get you get you

“Scream for me Lydia,” he coos.

lyd screams

“Check out my cool underground lair that smells like dead people.”

winky stiles

“Your other love interest on this show is probably going to croak.  And I look just like him.  Isn’t that good enough?”

nodding oh yeah

“I can eat your feelings.  Yum!  Sexy, sexy!”

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

 

“Lydia’s feelings taste like onion rings.”

“Hey, mind if I sniff your neck?”

sniff sniff

Fortunately for the Nogitsune, Lydia is no stranger to generalized creepiness, and uncouth sexual advances.  After all, she dated Jackson . .  .

half kanaima jack

And Dead Uncle Peter . . .

heard party

And This Guy . . .

what he said

Come to think of it, Nogitsu-Stiles might very well be her ideal mate!

stiles upward looking

Preparing for Battle

Around Beacon Hills, our Scooby Crew are all prepping for the showdown of the century.  Deputy Parish is speaking cryptically . . .

handsome thank you

Derek and Papa Argent are . . . kissing and making up .  . .

i sorry

 

“You wouldn’t happen to know where I might be able to find a Hallmark card that says, ‘Sorry I doused you in kerosene, because I swallowed an evil bug, would you?”

its ok

“I keep a bunch of them in my top drawer just in case.”

i sorry

“Cool.  Would you mind writing one to yourself from me?  I haven’t picked up a writing utensil in ten years, and even then it was just to stab someone I didn’t like in the eye.”

Kira and her mom are . . . enjoying Family Game Night.

playing go

 

good enoug

 

“When you are 900 years old, you find a lot of new and inventive ways to waste time.”

this sucks

“If I wanted to waste time, I’d go upstairs and have meaningless lukewarm sex with Scott, not play a more boring version of checkers with you.”

Stiles, Scott and Sheriff Stilinski are paying a visit to everybody’s Second Favorite Banshee, Crazy Meredith, who they figure may have Lydia on her “Friends and Family” plan on her non-working payphone.

phone a friend

“E.T phone home.”

(Why does everybody always assume that all banshees automatically know one another?  Isn’t that a little racist?)

Unfortunately, finding Meredith may be easier said than done.  After all, like seemingly every other loon in Eichen House, Meredith has figured out that freedom is always just a misplaced shot of Haldol, and an orderly key swipe away . . .

meddling kids haha

 

“Rats, foiled again!”

Which you are YOU?

While Lydia endures the creepy company of Nogitsu-Stiles, Real Stiles takes a nap, and awakens petrified that this little snooze, like every other one he’s taken this season was less nap and more EVIL FOX POSSESSION.

wake uppppp stiles

“Nope, you were legitimately sleeping this time,” his bro Scott reassures him.

you are ok

 

“Hey remember that time you and I were in each other’s arms like this, and you stabbed me with a sword?  Good times.”

Stiles seems pretty relieved to hear this good news, except for the fact that he’s now freezing cold and pretty much at death’s door.

dreaming stiles

 

Nogits-Flu

going to die

A nice healthy Nogitsune Possession is starting to look like a pretty attractive alternative now,  isn’t it Stiles?

nodding oh yeah

Speaking of mistaken identity, Allison is forced to ask Isaac whether he was the dude she f*&ked the night before, or if she actually bumped uglies with the psycho fly guy who chained her to the bed the following morning.

you or not you

 

Isaac proudly proclaims that it was definitely him who put his weiner inside the Argent vajayjay.

happy isaac

 

“I totally tapped that ass!”

And that’s really nice for Allison to hear.  I mean, no one wants to think they’ve been having sex with bugs . . .

bugging

But honestly I’m still a bit skeptical.  Let’s recap . . . Isaac was ill in the hospital and unconscious up until that fly invaded his IV.  Then his eyes went all firefly yellow, and the next thing you know he’s perfectly  healthy in Allison’s bedroom acting oddly quiet, extremely sexually aggressive and way creepier than usual.

ready to kill

I don’t know about you guys, but it sure sounds like Bug Sex to me.

not an orgy - Copy

Perhaps, Isaac was just telling Allison what she wanted to hear, because he somehow knew she was  shortly headed to the big ole Argent Graveyard in the Sky, and he didn’t want her to die feeling all skeeved out her recent sexual encounter.  Nice guy , that Isaac!

Coach Crackhead TO THE RESCUE!

Having somehow wandered  all the way from Eichen House to the high school on foot (is this entire town one square mile long?), Meri-Death gets the brilliant idea to sit in on Coach’s Econ class . . . probably because every other teacher in the school has already been murdered, and Coach’s class is the only one left.

apply

 

“Since Post Nogitsune Stiles is less snarky and more emo broody, I figured the Scooby Gang had an opening in the position of  The Quirky One.  Is now a good time to apply?”

love greenberg

Eichen House Dickwad, who didn’t even bother to change out of his scrubs before making the trip to school, has some not-so-nice words to say to everyone’s favorite Econ Teacher before barging in to bring Meredith back to the loony bin.

the pajama squad

 

The Pajama Squad

Bad move, Dickwad.  You just messed with the wrong gym teacher.

Meredith, meanwhile, is doing what any self-respecting banshee escaped from a mental institution would do.  She’s talking to a piano!  The problem is that the piano is speaking too quietly, and Meredith can’t hear it.

hand down greenberg hellloooooo

 

“Beethoven is that you?  Think you could maybe teach me how to play chopsticks?”

And then, just when the piano is finally ready to speak up, in comes Eichen House Dickwad with his trustee taser.

time to fry

 

“Torturing mentally disturbed minors is awesome!

Fortunately for Meredith, Coach Crackhead hates douchebags with tasers .  . . and bullies . .  and people who curse . . . and the American Healthcare system.

my time

Nighty night, Eichen House Dickwad!

And that was how Coach Crackhead finally became an unofficial member of the Scooby Gang.  Here’s hoping they don’t they don’t decide to kill him off next week . ..

Father Knows Best

In other adult news, Allison and Papa Argent shared a nice moment, during which Papa indoctrinated Allison into kind of a neat family tradition of fashioning bullets out of silver.  I liked that Allison decided to fashion a silver arrowhead instead, since that has always been her weapon of choice.

bonding

One of the cool things about Allison Argent is that, while she remained faithful to her family’s history and ideals, she was never afraid to question them, when they needed questioning, and to chart out her own path, when the old family guidebooks didn’t seem to suit her current situation.  As a werewolf hunter, Allison Argent has always been a bit of a pioneer.  Sure she stumbled a bit, along the way, was evil for a good portion of the second season, and sometimes seemed more interested in getting laid than getting stuff done.  But hey, she’s just a teenager after all.  And given that, I’d say she made for a pretty fierce heroine during her lifetime on the show.

dark allison 1

Was Allison’s “goodbye” to her father a bit heavy handed, particularly in light of her demise by the end of the episode?  Sure!  I mean, Allison and her dad pretty much put themselves in harm’s way every episode this season.  Why choose now to get all mushy gushy about it?  But as an opportunity to showcase the character’s strengths and how much she’s grown since the pilot episode, I think the season was an effective one.

talking with daddy

Unlike, say . . . the scene between Scott and his dad . . .

whos your daddy

After weeks of speculation, the real Big Secret Scott’s dad had been keeping from his son about why he left was finally revealed.  And it was . . .  drumroll please . . .

finn head nod

Scott hit his head once when he was a baby, because Scott’s dad was a drunk.

know why

THAT’S IT????!   THAT’S THE DEEP DARK SECRET?? WHY THE GUY STAYED AWAY ALL THIS TIME?

scared stupid things joeliepolie

Well . . . at least it explains why our True Alpha is so . . . how do I put this kindly?  Slow?

ephemeral

Too many knocks to the noggin during one’s pre-adolescent years could cause any kid to end up a few crayons short of a Crayola Box .  . .

yet another scott face

Speaking of non-sequiturs, elsewhere in Beacon Hills the Alpha Twins almost get murdered by a barrage of wolfsbane-infused bullets, but are rescued by Derek, in a sequence that seems to have absolutely nothing to do with this week’s episode, apart from the possible build-up of a cliffhanger for Season 4.

nothing to do with

Change in Ownership

It took Kira playing a silly board game with her mother, and a fake cell phone conversation between Meredith and The Banshee Network for our Scooby Gang to figure out what most fans could have told you back in episode 3 or 4 . . . that the final showdown between the Oni, Nogitsu-Stiles and the Scooby Gang was destined to take place where all this crap began 70 years earlier  . . . at Eichen House.

eichen house

Speaking of complex machinations leading to obvious conclusions, it also appears that Nogitsu-Stiles only captured Lydia so he could figure out when the Oni were close enough for him to break Kira’s mom’s last tail, assigning their ownership from her to him.

break

ownership

Hey Nogitsu-Stiles, I could think of another way you could have figured out when the Oni were close . . . you could have waited until you ACTUALLY SAW THEM . . .

ep 9 obviously stiles

Just saying . .

Complaints aside, I’m not a huge fan of Kira’s mom.  I think she’s kind of a b*tch basically.  So, I’d be lying if I didn’t cheer just a little bit when Nogitsu-Stiles smiled smarmily at his sort-of / kind-of erstwhile ex girlfriend, while he flaunted her army of former minions in her face.  That’s what you get for being cocky, Mommy Dearest.

bamf

MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAAAAT

Time for this week’s fight scene.  And ooh, I’ve gotta say, this one is a doozy.

Stiles finds Lydia and to say she is unhappy to be rescued is an understatement.  Not that the girl is ungrateful, per say, it’s just that she was pretty confident the death that she was feeling was Nogitsu-Stiles.  But now that all her friends are here fighting for her honor, well . . .

my best friend

Let’s just say she’s rightfully got a bad feeling about this.

While Real Stiles takes a much deserved other nap  (Dude really did spend most of this season asleep, didn’t he?) .  . .

need more nap

. . . the rest of the gang takes another shot at the now fully-recharged evil Oni.  And they get slaughtered!

homework

 

slaughtered

 

“Homework is looking pretty good right now.”

In a surprise twist, Allison figures out, almost by accident that they key to killing the Oni are the same silver-tipped arrowheads she fashioned just hours earlier.

missing what am i

 

try again

 

dying

 

wizardofzwitchmelt1

 

“I’m mellllttttinnnng.”

Annnnnd . .. then she gets her tummy sliced in half by an Oni Sword.  Isn’t that always how things work out?

stabs

A horrified Scott rushes to Allison’s side only to realize that she is basically already gone.  He can’t even take away her pain, because she feels nothing.  In her tearfully poignant final monologue, Allison declares Scott as her first and always love . . .

love you

(Sorry Isaac!  Maybe it would have been better off if she did bone the fly.)

sad is

She also pleas that Scott tell her father something . . . but she dies before she can say what that something is.  I’m thinking her message for dad has to do with the Oni-killing arrowheads. Allison must have put something different in them to make them the effective weapons they were.  I suspect this “secret” will come into play in next week’s finale.

this is me thinking

But for now, we mourn Allison Argent, the third member of the Argent clan to meet an untimely demise, and the first to actually die as a pretty darn decent person . . .

final word

 

crap

 

sads

Why do I have the terrible feeling that old evil Gramps is going to outlive them all . . .

mountain ash

Next week on Teen Wolf, the Season of Nogitsu-Stiles will reach its stunning conclusion, and another pack member will, unfortunately, kick the wolfsbane bucket.

Any guesses as to which Beacon Hills resident shouldn’t be buying any green bananas?

Until next time,Werebangers!

stiles rescue

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Buggin’ Out – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “De-Void”

no go

Aloha, Werebangers!   This week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles found some even more creatively disgusting uses for his seemingly never-ending army of Fireflies-on-Steroids.

bug mafia

bugging

Seriously, where the heck does he store all these busy little dudes on their days off?  What’s the firefly equivalent of an Ant Farm or Roach Motel?  Firefly Flea Circus, perhaps?

firefly people

As if that wasn’t enough, “De-Void” also introduced us to some new characters . . . Meet

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Derek . . .

crazy derek

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Isaac . . .

ready to kill

serial killer

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Ethan/Aiden . . .

evil now

and Dream Slut Allison .   . .

dont stop

It was almost like an alternate dimension Beacon Hills, where the entire Scooby Gang were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes . . .  Actually, when Ethan / Aiden, and, to a lesser extent, Isaac, were first introduced, they pretty much were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes.  But we like to forget about that nowadays, don’t we, Werebangers?

Loved it!

winky stiles

So open your eyes, close your mouths, and, for heaven sakes, try not to get possessed by any evil fox spirits within the next twenty minutes or so, because it’s time for another Wolf-cap . . .

more dancing stiles

[As always, a hearty Werebanging Thanks to Andre for the gorgeous screencaps you see here.  Andre’s mind probably doesn’t have as many red balloons, lockers, evil tree stumps, or unwinnable Games of Go, as Stiles’ mind does, but I’m sure it’s still a fairly impressive and fun place to spend the afternoon.]

Silly Adults, Tricks are for Kids!

I hate to say it, folks.  But Nogitsu-Stiles is super sexy.

stiles upward looking

What can I say, I have a soft spot for TERRIBLE BOYFRIENDS!

Just as smart as human Stiles, but twice as powerful, he expertly stacks his chess pieces on the board, without them even realizing they are playing right into his hands.   The most dangerous villain is the one who gets his enemies to fight his battles for him.   And that’s precisely what Nogitsu-Stiles did here.

dont trust the fox

Step 1: Draw your enemies into one place, making them that much easier to control.

was thinking of doing some interior decorating

“You know, we all spend a lot of time in here . . . fighting evil, and such.  So, I was thinking we could do a little decorating.  Maybe put in a couple of couches, a flat screen TV, the carcasses of Derek’s dead relatives . . . that sort of thing.”

Step 2: Pray on their weaknesses.

A father’s love for his son . . .

gun showdown

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

A hunter’s ego and bloodlust  . . .

ep 8 papa a

“Constantly being outsmarted by teenagers can really take a toll on one’s self esteem.”

A friend’s loyalty . ..

aww thats cute

kind of turned on right now

“Not going to lie.  I’m a little turned on right now.  You should know that your being a homicidal maniac is totally not a deal breaker for me. Pretty much all my exes are evil.”

tazed

“Trust me, friend.  This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you.”

take that taser

“Really?  Because I’ve had paper cuts more painful than this?”

Step 3: Know when to get the f&*k out of the way . . .

havent you all learned

“Sh*t, this place again.  Why doesn’t the Nogitsune ever possess people someplace fun . . . like college students on Spring Break.  We’ve been waiting 800 years for a tan!”

kill them

“It’s been fun guys.  But I’ve kind of gotta jet.  Call me when you want to discuss options for Derek’s new oriental rug!

As much as Nogitsu-Stiles knew the Scooby Gang wanted him expelled from Stiles’ body, or at least incapacitated, he knew they wanted the Oni out of the picture, even more.  After all, keeping Real Stiles body alive and unharmed was the Scooby Gang’s only hope for keeping alive the loyal and snarky brains behind their operation.

And the Oni don’t exactly have a reputation for making clean breaks . . .

nogitsune

man no head

And so, when night fell, and the Oni appeared on Derek’s doorstep, Nogitsu-Stiles knew all he had to do was step back and enjoy the fruits of Real Stiles’ beloved status amongst his pack. They couldn’t defeat the Oni, of course.  But at least they could distract them from their real target, at least for one night . . .

which way did they go

“I feel so used!”

Truth be told, Real Stiles could stand to take some lessons from Nogitsu-Stiles on big pimping.   Had he followed even a bit of the Evil Ones advice, the fan favorite undoubtedly would have bagged Lydia Martin long ago  . . .

lyd and sty

Of course, by the time Scott and Kira arrive, all the damage has already been done.  Derek’s injured, Nogitsu-Stiles is gone, the Oni have vanished.

ephemeral

Is it possible to impeach a “True” Alpha?

bad scott

True Sassy Peter was a Total Socio, but at least he never would have let things go down like this . . .

always been the alpha

Should Have Brought More Bug Spray

Speaking of massive failures, Mama de Kira goes to the Insane Asylum to pay respects to the lost love of her life, Toilet Paper Head . . .

hey look whose back

“Hey sweet cheeks.  My body is rotting, my soul is gone.  But, surprisingly enough, my equipment still works.  Care for another roll in the toilet paper for old times sake?”

not tonight loverboy

“Tempting, but I’m still pulling flies from my underwear following our last rendezvous . . .”

We can understand her nostalgia.  After all, Nogitsu- Reese may not have been much to look at . . .

nogitsune teeth

“I’m too sexy for my head scarf . . .”

. . . but at least he had a rockin’ body . . .

my balls

“Let’s not forget, I had massive balls.”

. . . and unlike Mama de Kira’s current Boy Friday,  it took WAY more than a single stupid firefly to bring her last boyfriend to his knees . . .

gulp

“Hey, I have a very sensitive stomach!”

Talk about trading down!

Enter Nogitsu-Stiles . . .

got your tail

“This is the part of the show where I figure out a way to stick your tail inside me, while still keeping this show suitable for general audiences.”

sex me now 2

Kid travels fast!  Last I checked, Derek’s house was not quite next door to Eichen House.  Being an evil fox spirit must come with unlimited frequent flyer miles from the Kitsune Equivalent of Jet Blue . .

hi stiles

While, the Scooby Gang is still back at Derek’s house, licking their wounds . . . Nogitsu-Stiles is already squaring off with Mama de Kira, stealing one of her tails, and stabbing it into Stiles’ tummy . . .

self stab

“So much phallic symbolism, so little time.”

WOAH Stiles???!!! What the heck were they feeding you in the Loony Bin?

infestation

“Now, I know why my dad always told me not to sit with my tongue out and my head out the window, whenever we went on car rides . . .”

Though I’ve been told an all bug diet is actually surprisingly rich in vitamins and minerals, while still being low and fat, something tells me the FDA wouldn’t approve .  . .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

“I told them I liked to eat FRIES . . . with an ‘R!!!”

Especially, since it seems like someone forgot to kill the bugs before our rascally mental patient ate them . . .

bug tummy

“Don’t knock it, until you’ve flied it!”

Anywhoo, Beacon Hill can now add “Bug Infestation” to the long list of reasons why its property values are plummeting weekly . . .

Best Commercial for Band-aids EVER!

Everyone knows Teen Wolf is no stranger to product placement . . . from Bing Search Engines to Samsung Phones to pimped out motorcycles to Stiles’ never ending supply of witty t-shirts, MTV, as a network has never been afraid to sell out their much-coveted  aged 18-25 viewing demographic and sell them HARD!

macys product placement

2 17 phone

I myself, am usually quite immune to product placement . ..

But you know what I did after watching this episode?  I bought myself Band-Aids, lots and lots of Band-Aids . . .

bandaids

Because, apparently, if you don’t use Band-Aids, evil bugs will crawl into your cuts and bruises, and make you try to kill all your friends . . .

into the wound

*Slurp, slurp*

And I’d like for my friends to stay alive for the time being, thank you very much . . .

That said, evil bugs aren’t all bad . . . apparently, they help you get laid . . .

taste buggy

spoon

ogle

“YEAH!  BUG PORN!”

Which tells me that if I ever run out of Band-Aids, I should really stock up on contraceptives, if I don’t want an army of baby TV Recappers running around my not particularly large apartment . . .

condom 2

Product placement, Teen Wolf . . . you got me this time . . . TWICE!

Damn, GPS!

Living just outside a major metropolitan area, I have little use for private transportation and can no longer afford to pay for long-term parking . . .

But back in the good ole days, when I owned a car, I had a rather complicated relationship with my GPS system.  I lovingly named her Taylor.  And Taylor and I spent many hours alone together on the lonely roads of the Garden State.    Sure, she got annoyed at me sometimes, snarkily saying things like “Calculating Route,” or “When possible make a legal u-turn,” when I disobeyed her patient instruction.   But I couldn’t navigate my way out of a paper bag, so I gladly accepted her lectures .  . . despite  those times when she “accidentally” navigated me into “bad neighborhoods,” “roads that haven’t existed for 15 years,” and “possible illegal drug transactions made by Gangs with Guns.”

left turn at hellmouth

“Make a left turn at the Hell Mouth, followed by a right turn at Your Inevitable Death.”

So, I can commiserate with Lydia, who finds herself having phantom conversations with a GPS no one else can hear, while driving with her boyfriend, which unwittingly lead her to the possibly possessed unconscious boy who SHOULD be her boyfriend, lying in the middle of the road.

parking lot

“You have reached your destination . . .  for sex in Season 4.”

MY GPS almost got me killed many times, but it never once gave me romantic advice . . .

Lydia, consider yourself lucky . . .

not an orgy - Copy

Fifty Shades of Nogitsune . . .

Back at Chez Argent, Allison learns that the S&M of romance novels may be sexy in theory, but in practice, being chained to a bed is less sexy than TOTALLY DEMORALIZING . . .

so not sexy

“I know my father told me I should stop opening my legs for every boy I meet.  But this is kind of ridiculous.”

Back at Derek’s loft, Nogitsu-Stiles annoys everybody enough with his smart mouth to get a wad of ducktape on his lips, or as the Nogitsune refers to it . . .  foreplay . .  .

hush yo mouth

“Talk dirty to me?”

Hey, the guy has already pretty much screwed over everyone on the show,  why not at least get a little pleasure-pain enjoyment out of the process?

orgasm face

Speaking of Derek, it turns out that his Nogitsune-possessed incarnation is a lot less forgiving of the Argent’s  slow burn of the entire Hale werewolf clan and their happy home, than the Derek we’ve known for three seasons . . .

kerosene

“Think of it as REALLY HOT massage oil. . .”

As it turns out, Possessed Derek believes that what his newfound bromance with Papa Argent needs to really be at its strongest is a little FIRE .  . .

electrifying

I like how the Nogitsune in this episode, doesn’t so much completely alter the minds of its pawns, as it does remind them of their pre-existing anger, and use it to his own deviously destructive advantage.  After all, Derek likely genuinely does still harbor some ill-will towards the Argents for pan frying his mother and siblings.  Isaac truly has never been able to 100 percent forgive the twins for murdering Boyd (and possibly Erica). And there’s a part of Ethan that probably is super pissed that his twin brother’s inability to play nice with others has kept him from enjoying the full protection of membership in Scott’s pack . . .

sibling rival

kill you both

Allison and Kira arrive on the scene to help, but . . . really . . . these dumb brainwashed boys are fully capable of fighting their own battles . . . aren’t they?

charlies angels

“We aren’t being the least bit helpful.  But at least we look super fashionable while we do it . . .”

Weapons of Mass Destruction

With half of their pack turned into angry vengeful zombies, the Scooby Gang is forced to dig into their bag of less desirable weapons against Nogitsu-Stiles.  Their reluctant choice?  Sassy Uncle Peter, of course!

lit your fire

Of course, Sassy Uncle Peter isn’t the type to give away something for nothing.  He requires payment for his temporary dalliances with heroism.  And that payment comes in the form of secrets from Lydia about the true name of his bastard child.

malia older

Lydia reluctantly agrees to give up the goods.  And before you know it, Sassy Uncle Peter is inducing one of his trademark nail rapes on his subjects, and Scott and Lydia are on board a first class flight into the uber terrifying Mind of Stiles Stilinski .. .

in the head

Tell me, Werebangers, what kinds of awful goodies do you think Professional Nail Rapist Peter would find in YOUR MINDS????

derek body

wet stiles

want sandwiches and sex nickmillerfixed it

little miss scatterbrain

Be afraid, Werebangers . . .  Be Very Afraid . .  .

This is your brain on Stiles . . .

Stiles’ brain is a fun place to play . . . a nostalgic trip into Teen Wolf episodes’ past . . .

mischeivous stiles

First our Scooby Heroes’ find themselves in the memorable “five-point restraint system” of Echo House.

big trap

trapped

And, of course, it’s entirely up to Lydia to remind the Alpha Wolf in bed beside her . . .

“Hey, Dumbass . . . WOLVES BREAK RESTRAINTS!”

lyd screams

And so he does . . .

After that, Nogitsu-Stiles switches to a divide and conquer strategy that would make Dream Warrior Freddy Krueger proud.

freddy-krueger1

“Toilet paper head . . . I should have thought of that!”

He places Lydia into the midst of her Season 1 Prom Fantasy Gone Bad . . .

lots of balloons big

“Haha, look at all those blue balls.  Bet I cause a lot of those in high school!”

And he appeals to Scott’s weakest member, his p*&nis . . .

penis likes brain doesn't

“Should I be creeped out that my best friend clearly fantasizes about me having sex with my ex?”

nodding oh yeah

. . . with an impromptu makeout session from a version of Stiles’ ex-girlfriend Allison, who is DTF, all the time!

Kira may be cool with fully clothed smooches in the bed.  But let’s face it, when it comes down to naked action, the sly fox is no match for the sexually adventurous hunter . . .

allison bamf heir of slytherin

You go, Stiles!  Who knew your brain was such an X-rated playground in which to play . . .

Papa Don’t Preach

Meanwhile, at Sheriff Stilinski’s impeachment hearings, Stiles’ pops finds himself an unlikely ally in . . .

you kind a susck

“You kind of suck at your job.”

gettin fired

“True, but everyone else on the police force pretty much gets killed after two episodes max.  So it’s not like you have a lot of options.”

. . . Detective McCall?

nice guy deep down

“Douchey on the outside.  Soft and mushy on the inside.”

Turns out, Scott’s dad just used the whole “Firing Stiles’ Dad from his Sheriff Job” thing as an excuse for some father/son bonding time.  Yikes, Papa McCall . . . most dads just spring for a fishing trip, or something . . .

singing-fish-singing

No GO!

Back in Stiles’ head, thanks to a much needed wakeup call from Peter, Lydia and Scott finally break out of their personal hell’s long enough to  find mission control in the Stilinski Brain . . . turns out, it’s Stiles caught in a never-ending game of Go with the Nogitsune.

wake up

“GROW A BRAINNNNNNN!”

(Apparently, Go is kind of like Monopoly . . . you know, one of those games that literally can go on for decades, if none of your opponents are smart enough to admit they are tired of playing, and would prefer to spring for some pizza, instead.)

whats that spell

“Poor man’s checkers . . .”

Compared to the rest of Stiles’ brain, this is just plain BORING . . .

is this a mall (2)

“Is this supposed to be like a shopping mall?”

Time to blow this popsicle stand, Oh Skinny Sarcastic One . . .

tear jerk (2)

wake uppppp stiles

I know what will help you!  How about a little Care Bear Stare . . . er, I mean, call from your Alpha . ..

the how

carebear stareee

And with one wild roar, everyone in Scott’s back has been de-Nogitsuned . . .

better now

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

Talk about a powerful mouth!  No wonder Scott is so popular with the ladies . . .

Got any toilet paper?

Back in Derek’s loft, Lydia and Scott are back from their vacation in Stiles’ brain, but Stiles still seems sort of / kind of unconscious, at least until Lydia whispers in Peter’s ear the name of Peter’s daughter: Malia.

seriously what have i eaten

“Bulimia is BAD, kiddies!  Do not try this at home!

SEX . . . teens and sex . . . if the Scooby Gang only knew that all it took to end Stiles’ nogitsune possession was to utter the name of his first sexual partner, they may have gotten him laid long ago .  . .

sexing

Cue the massive toilet paper vomit of Lost Love Remembrance . . .

no shopping

“Hey guys!  We’ve got enough toilet paper in here to last us a month!”

But wait . . . which Stiles is which?

who am i

Hint, Nogitsu-Stiles may NOT be the one beneath the bandages . . .

super gross

“Fooled you again, SUCKAS!” Say Nogitsu-Stiles as he runs off with Real Stiles’ Lady Love Lydia . . .

its me its me

Now, how’s THAT for a Mind F*&k?  You’re move, Scooby Gang!

Until next time, Werebangers!

bad stiles more

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Taming of the Shrewd – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Echo House”

let me out big

let me in

stiles upward looking

Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers!  It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits).   Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort!  She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!

eichen house

 

Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .

hanging three

 

“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”

Five-star cuisine . . .

the bug

 

“Tastes like chicken?”

A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need .  . .

gonna get you

 

stab

 

And the accommodations?  Talk about luxurious!

oliver

So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while.  Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .

344_bag_of_nuts

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]

The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow

Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker.  If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims.  Why?  Because he’s a smart guy!  He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

 

funny-gif-Yoda-dancing-stormtroopers

I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .

no idea what im doing

Simpler-minded . . .

ephemeral

Less complex . . .

ep 8 scotts bowl sunshower 80

I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.

lets put our heads together

 

“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”

But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too.  One who clearly likes a challenge.  And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap.  He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls.  Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.

stiles sad 1

They say nice guys finish last.  But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned!  Sorry Stiles!  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .

more dancing stiles

As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott.  Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum.  Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!

i dont like this

Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.

dad thinks one

“Looks pretty swanky.  I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”

And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.

trust scott

Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.

never get out

“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.

Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right?  They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .

nogitsune teeth

Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.

forgetting

“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”

no sleep

But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy.  *sniffle*

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Just Hanging Out . . .

Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical  equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .

hanging self 1

 

hanging self

He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets!  Very clever!

eli says happy birthday

Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle.  And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you.  Ready?

nodding oh yeah

“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky.  It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”

angry bird

Get it?  It’s a SHADOW!

take off shadow

 

ep 9 obviously stiles

Come on Nogitsune!  Stop giving us riddles with the same answer.  Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .

trademark scott face

 

“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right?  The answer is totally wings!”

Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule.  But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it.  She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.

nurse ratched

 

Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!

another oliver

 

hi stiles

All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy.  He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!

another oliver again

“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”

a third oliver

“This place has a lot of echoes.  That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”

yet another o

“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?”  (Just kidding.  He never said that one.)

In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .

drlling

. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .

By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug.  Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note.  But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.

You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .

Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House.  Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .

jesus one

 

jesus 2

Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table.  I wonder what that would look like?

last supper

Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.

you cant sit with us

Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular.  But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material.  So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right?  Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .

my queen

 

“My queen!”

my fist

“My fist!”

punching

Then again, maybe not . . .

that all went a lot better in my head

 

hate coyot

But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty.  Check it out.  It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .

picture of the wolf

While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .

basement

 

memoris

 

aliceinwonderland

 

Curiouser and curiouser . . .

Fun with Flags Scrolls

This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason.  Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.

pretty paper

 

“These are some really expensive paper towels.”

For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy?   Huh?

stiles in strife

 

“Why are my friends so stupid?”

Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.”  Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!

internet derek 2

In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles

Poor Stiles!  A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise.  First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance.  Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned.  And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.

a lot like death

By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.

have some drugs

 

or ill give you other drugs

 

“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”

The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?

Animal Instincts

While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.

hallucinating

 

“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”

 

But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy.  Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina).  Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there.  Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again .   . .

naked

 

cant get warm

It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven .  . .

know who i am

After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs.  “They are not going to drill holes in my head.”  (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.

fighting

 

key pass

 

teen wolf allison argent stiles

But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.

why does everyone keep

 

“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”

 

Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show!   Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Give me the Finger!

So many mixed metaphors on this show.  First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”

teeth

OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor.  But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer.  The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.

Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .

finger

Give him the finger . . .

Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.

more funny

 

“I’ve got it!  The answer is shadow!”

Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.

ooh

Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .

huh

 

angry

Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.

talk dirty

Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.

Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about.  Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish.  She was much more interesting then . . .

frumpy mom

La Loba . . . El Bano.

Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .

Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel   . . .

Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.

my trusty bat

 

“How did I get my bat back?”

hes not cute

“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon.  Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”

picture

“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”

In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads.  (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)

brain

Rock on, Stiles.  It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.

talking

Other turn ons for Malia?  Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .

hungry

(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)

yumm

 

kiss

What’s a girl to do?  I know!  You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!

sex me now

 

sexing

Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune!  Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot.  (So much pretty on one television screen!).

hand porn one

 

hand porn two

 

hand porn three

 

But also kind of cheap, in a way.  Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible,  with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.

crying stiles in hos

 

“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”

Then again, it’s also kind of realistic.  Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .

winky stiles

Or . .  . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!

stiles with wolf hat

Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?

You know what would be hotter though?  If they did it to This Song  . . .

Even better news?  Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .

backne

 

improved backne

 

stiles approves

Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.

stiles and dad

Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony.  And it tells them . . .  pretty much nothing.

this is silly

“It just says Shadow.”

Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host.  And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles!  You need to bulk up . . .

dylan growl

. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .

The Trouble with Eating Bugs

Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?

But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?

et tu olive

 

“Et tu Oliver?”

sucks for m

“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover?  If so, then yes.”

Now, you will!

Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned.   And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.

tied up

 

crying

But wait, there’s more!

Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?

blue eyes

Watch out, Lydia!  The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .

sterek comfort

 

lyd screams

Next time on Teen Wolf . . . Chaos!

See ya then, Werebangers!

ep 12 derek smile bitten by gif

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Filed under Teen Wolf

The Trojan Horse – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Letharia Vulpina”

big gift

“Hey, it’s me Stiles!  Let me in!  I’m totally harmless, and not at all possessed by an evil sociopathic spirit, who experiences orgasms from your pain.”

So you probably all read that story in school about how the Greeks defeated the Trojans during the Trojan war, by making them believe they had already won the war, presenting them with an attractive looking package that seemed to cement their victory, and using that package to get themselves behind enemy lines and ultimately defeat their oppressors.

my-little-pony1

My Little Trojan Horse Pony

Quite a few times this season, we’ve seen “Stiles” trick people into accepting dangerous substances, by wrapping those substances in shiny white paper and pretty silver bows, and disguising them as gifts.

birthday present

happy birthday

not trusting

And yet, when you think about it, the REAL Trojan Horse of Season 3B is Stiles, himself . . . Good, Snarky, Skinny, Smart, Loveable Virgin Stiles . . . the guy we loved, adored and rooted for, over the course of three seasons.  By using this fan favorite character as his host, the Nogitsune gains unofficial membership into Scott’s pack.  He enjoys the benefits of their power and protection.  He becomes privy to their secrets.

mischeivous stiles

He defeats them, without them even realizing they are being defeated . . .

bad stiles more

All of the Teen Wolf villains have tried to some extent to accomplish this, with varying degrees of success.  Peter tried to get behind enemy lines by controlling his adversaries . . .

ep 6 alpha

“Dance puppet, dance!”

 . . . the Kanaima by terrorizing them . . .

half kanaima jack

.  . . the Darach by boning them (or, at least, one of them) . . .

dennifer

. . . Grandpa by manipulating them . . .

funny face grandpa

. . . the Alpha Pack by torturing them.

destroyer of worlds

But none of these attempted takedowns have been as effective as the one perpetrated by Nogitsu-Stiles . . .  a sly villain who understands that the best way to defeat your nemeses is to become one of them . . .

stiles and scott

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big hearty thank you to Everyone’s Favorite Supernatural Screencapper Andre, whose every picture is worth a thousand words . . . which means I can write a lot less. :)]

Dr. Dolittle’s Revenge

Once upon a time, there was a veterinarian with the quirky ability to talk to animals.  Talking to the animals made the doctor seem like a bit of a nutbar, but it also made him better at his job.

220px-Dr_dolittle_movie_1998

By being able to ask the animals directly what exactly it was that was ailing them, he could more quickly and easily cure them.

sleeping scott

But this magical ability also came with a darkside, as efficient a healer of animals as Dr. Dolittle was, he was also it pretty efficient killer of animals.  He knew their weaknesses, how to gain their trust, how to disarm them . . .

great pic

Poor Yuki and his well-meaning, if slightly curmudgeony, Yakuza owner, learned this lesson the hard way, when Dr. Dolittle Deaton Trojan Horsed their asses, just so he could do a little weeding in their backyard . . .

noooooo

“NOOOOOOOOOO!”

Now, that’s just rude!

Now, I haven’t checked Career Builder recently to find out how much they pay vets in Beacon Hills, but it must be a lot, because our Deaton had enough moolah to fly all the way to Japan just to slip some paralytic Kanaima snot into poor Yuki Wolf’s puppy chow.

sleepy puppy

“OK, be honest.  Which one of you yakuza pooped in my Kibbles n Bits?”

Under the guise of attempting to cure little Yuki, Deaton quickly gains access, not only to Yakuza headquarters, but also to the cursed garden where Nogitsu-Yakuza was murdered by the Oni, in that flashback a few episodes back.

nogitsune

magical forest

“Marijuana farm?”

“Why was my adorable Yuki eating fox poison from this creepy shrine to my dead father and his massively f*&ked up teeth?”  The Yakuza wants to know.

“Just kidding!”  Deaton replies.  “He wasn’t.  And I just made you touch Kanaima goo.  Nana-Nana- NOO NOO!”

touch it

good pot

“I wonder how high I would get if I smoked all of this?”

Dr. Deaton blows the most powerful man in Japan a raspberry, as the latter lies on the floor dumbfounded and motionless, trying to figure out what the f*&k just happened to him, and how he wound up on a teen television show as the nameless patsy, as opposed to in a Martial Arts movie as the main villain, where he clearly belongs.  Then, Dr. Does-Slightly-More-Than-a-Little (at least this week) pockets some Nogitsu-Stiles killing weeds, and heads back to America on JetBlue, like the BAMF he is .  . .

nighty night

“Suck on that, Eddie Murphy!”

The Electric Slide – It’s Not Just a Lame Dance You Did in Middle School Anymore .  . .

shine the light

You can’t see it, IT’S ELECTRIC! Woonky, Wonky, wonky . . .

Meanwhile, halfway across the world, only mere minutes have passed since we last saw Kira, who is still dancing with a pesky livewire outside the hospital.   Please kiddies, do NOT try this at home!

live wire

its electric

electrifying

Cue the slew of dying extras, who moronically step out of the cars into puddles of water, and do the Electric Slide all the way to the morgue (which is very conveniently located, seeing as this all happens right outside the hospital).

dead 1

“Ooh an electric puddle.  I think I’ll step in it!”

bye bye

“Me too!  Electric puddles are awesome and not at all dangerous!”

Remember those cartoons you used to watch, when you were a kid, where the guy showed his lady love how chivalrous he was, by taking off his coat and putting it in a puddle of water, just so that the woman he secretly wanted to bone wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of having wet feet?

chivalry-quiz-0208-de

Well, Isaac, bless his heart, takes this whole chivalry thing, even one step further, by getting electrocuted for Allison, just so she didn’t have to suffer the indignity of getting her hair fried and looking like this . . .

einstein

not going to end well

to save her

to save her 2

to save her 3

“This idea played out a whole lot better in my head.”

So romantic!

Then, Kira does some show-offy backflips over cars . . .

flippy

“Situations where the entire town is in danger are the best times for me to practice my gymnastics!”

 . . .verrrrryyy SLOWWWWWW-LY sucks up all the electricity into her fist to the tune of Dramatic Music, and becomes a hospital hero . . .

glowy eyes

“I bet if you put your iPhone on my forehead, I can charge it for you!”

(Though I’m sure Dead Extra’s 1, 2, 3 and Isaac are probably wishing she did a few less backflips, and chose a slightly snappier Heroic Theme Song, since her doing so would have prevented them from suffering the indignity of frying like bacon).

2 3 bacon

isaac scarf

“Thanks a lot, Foxy!”

Nonetheless, Scott and Derek are understandably enthralled.  After all seeing Kira perform this feat brings back fond memories for both of them . . .

super hot

“That was really hot, and gave me the strange compulsion to suck my thumb and then stick it in an electrical socket.”

Like the time that Scott verrrry SLOWWWLLLY popped a bubble with his mind . . .

bigger bubble

. . .  and the time that Derek verrrry SLLOWLLLY allowed two wacked out baby werewolves to beat the shit out of him, so that they wouldn’t beat the sht out of his girlfriend, who ended up being a Skeletor-faced psycho killer, anyway.

torn up derek 1

Who is on Team Nogitsune?

Many of you Werebangers have speculated that Nogitsu-Stiles is not acting alone.   Granted, his repeated use of the word “We” when making his villainous speeches, could just be an annoying habit . . . like those awful people who always talk about themselves in the third person.

eye roll jackson

But it could also mean that he’s acting in tandem with someone else . . . a second Trojan Horse . . . one who is still hiding dormant behind enemy lines .  . .

two allisons

Like for example, the Hot New Deputy, who instantly insisted that the “Mysterious Package” delivered to the Sheriff’s office contained nothing but “harmless batteries and flashlights.”  (How many Fedex Delivery guys do you know, who inform you what’s inside their packages before they give them to you?)

mysterious package

“I thought you were about to comment on how huge my package is.  And I was going to tell you all about how with good diet and exercise, anyone can have a really large package, even you Sheriff.  But, then again, maybe it all comes down to good genes.”  

condom 2

condom 3

And what about Allison?  The only member of Scott’s pack, who has yet to be marked by the Oni as her “Self”  . . . the woman getting mysterious messages from Japanese internment camps, who, like Stiles, is being haunted by her darker other half . . . a woman who seemed EXTREMELY INTERESTED in Scott’s pain-sucking abilities when he went to visit Isaac, and who made a point of holding his hand tightly, while the wolf did his Arm Fondle Thing . . .

look at is

holding hands again

taking pain

allison tear heir of slytherin

“Maybe I should touch his butt again.  It made him stronger last time!”

bacon issac

“I really hope she touches my ass again.  That will solve all my problems.”

Just sayin . . .

“Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Possessed by an Evil Spirit Who Wants You Dead.”

At school, Kira suggests that Nogitsu-Stiles may be terrorizing Beacon Hills as part of some Long-Con Revenge Plot, for wrongs perpetrated against him long ago . . .  Riiiight, because we’ve never seen THAT before, on this show?  Have we . . .

matt and ma

evil jenny

In the men’s locker room, a woefully fully dressed Scott and Alpha twins (I thought nudity in the locker room was a requirement on this show.   What gives, Jeff Davis?) are summoned to the school basement by the sound of an emitter held by none other than Stiles Stilinski . . .

trust me

“I come in peace.”

But WHICH Stiles Stilinski is it?

good witch or bad witch

Will the real Stiles Shady please stand up?

more dancing stiles

Stiles assures his pals that he’s the Good Stiles.  And they instantly believe him, for no other reason than that the kid is just so doggone cute with his spiky hair and blue flannel shirt.  And because this particular portion of the pack are not exactly its “A” students, if you catch my drift . . .

no idea what im doing

“Stiles” shows the crew his alter ego’s “Big Ole Bag’ O Mischief,” and they look at him like he’s the Leprechaun who’s just shown them the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

plans

lucky charms guy

And while this Stiles may, in fact, be a Leprechaun, of sorts, I don’t think he’s one of the Lucky Charms Variety . . . More like This Guy .  . .

“Mrs. Robinson Martin, are you trying to seduce me?”

In the film, The Graduate, a young Dustin Hoffman gets nookie from two beautiful ginger-headed ladies, who just so happen to be mother and daughter.

trying to seduce you

Peter Hale is equally slutty.  Just half a season ago, he was posing as his teenage self, and locking lips with Lydia.  Now, he seems to be putting the moves on her mommy.  Or is he?

looking at you kid

smug

“This is the most action I got, since Klaus drowned me in the fountain on The Vampire Diaries!”

Upon speaking to her mother, Lydia gets the impression that Peter, with his cryptic talk of “hearing tests,” is using her mother to get to the aurally-attuned banshee, herself . . .

narcissistic teens

. . . because seducing  a child through the woman that gave birth to her isn’t creepy at all!

Dumb like fox!

It’s Trickster Spirit – 3, Wolf Pack- 0, when, mere hours after electrifying the hospital, Nogitsu-Stiles (1) frames Papa Argent and Derek for Silverfinger’s “Murder” still not sure that guy is actually dead, by planting the money from the “weapon sale” in the Argent’s house; and (2) buries a metal chain in the ground near the school cross country field to distract Coach Crackhead, from the trip wire and poison-tipped arrow lying in wait for the comic relief character, right in the middle of the woods.

the chain

is this the trap

“Let me guess, this is another one of those times when you give me a present, I open it, and something falls on my head, right?”

stabbed

“Not quite, Coach.”

this hurts a little

“Sh*t, I knew I should have gone to Clown College instead of becoming a teacher!”

But hey, at least we got a little makeout time between Danny and Ethan, for all our troubles, right?

i think i love you

 

“The nogitsune is probably going to murder us all anyway, so we might as well have a little fun now, while we are still alive!”

 

into it

Speaking of which, Danny, you ignorant slut?  Aren’t you supposed to be back with your ex?  What are you doing making out with your serial killing other ex?

Still playing “defense,” Scott absorbs a bleeding (and very whiny) Coach Crackhead’s pain, while Papa Argent and Derek become unlikely allies / co-defendants in a quest to find out the Real Reason they find themselves in handcuffs, while trapped at a police station.

give him air

 

the finger

 

make peace

 

“Is it at least a middle finger?  Because it would be a heck of a lot funnier if a middle finger framed us for murder?”

“I’m the spark that lit your fire, sweetheart.”

lit your fire

 

he's insane

Peter shamelessly hits on the still-underage Lydia, while Allison stands by for moral support (with a few weapons up her sleeve, just in case).  Uncle Alpha informs Lydia that his bite is responsible for bringing out her banshee abilities, which he seems to know quite a bit about, for someone who spent most of season 2 decomposing in the dirt, like a very tall, recently stomped-on earthworm . . .

heard party

For example, Peter tells Lydia that the real gift of the banshee is not its scream, but its exceptional supernatural   hearing ability.   The scream merely blocks out other sounds to make hearing the dead more possible.

lyd screams

 

“Everybody stop talking,  Can’t you see I’m trying to think?”

Of course, with Peter, there’s always a catch.  And this one involves Lydia communing with the nasty fingernails extracted from Derek’s mom’s dead body, which apparently contain within them a memory Mama Hale extracted from Peter Hale’s scull before she died . . .

stole a memory

Meanwhile back at school . . .

“There’s a Bomb on the Bus”

Apparently, Nogitsu-Stiles planted a gift-wrapped bomb on a school bus and handed it to none-other than Puking Jared from the Motel California episode . . .

not happy

(Poor Puking Jared, for a kid with a chronic case of bus sickness, he sure seems to spend more time on a bus then any other character on this show.)

not throw up

If only Keanu Reeves were here.  He’d know what to do for sure!

Instead, we have that creepy deputy, who decides that moments before Puking Jared’s head is blown off is the perfect time to give him beauty secrets on how to keep youthful dewy skin, well past the ancient age of 24.

you look really

 

handsome thank you

 

Umm . . . I think he was going to say “modest.”  You look really “modest,” and not self-absorbed at all.

“Hey Pretty Green-Eyed Douchebag!  You keep talking, and Puking Jared won’t have any skin left on his face to protect!”

Keanu Reeves would never make us listen to annoying shit like that, moments before we were supposed to die.  Partly because Keanu Reeves is a cyborg incapable of emoting.

matrix1

Fortunately, as it turns out, there isn’t actually a bomb on the bus.  It’s nothing but a crafty ruse.  A ruse that Nogitsu-Stiles put into motion to distract the Sheriff’s Department from the location of the Real Bomb . . .

stilinski

 

“Hey look!  Puking Jared bought you a new name placard for your office.   Wasn’t that nice of him?”

We know this instinctively because this “Trojan Horse” is wrapped in blue ribbon, which Stiles, himself, has explained has no real purpose, apart from just being “pretty.”

blue just pretty

Hint: it was planted in a box that was supposedly filled with “harmless batteries,” and brought to a place where Derek Hale and Papa Argent are currently under investigation for a murder they didn’t commit . . .

explosions

Telling “Tails”

Where would you hide your deepest darkest secrets?  Talia hid hers in her gross chopped off nails, which for some inexplicable reason revealed to Lydia that the werecoyote from The Secret Circle is actually Peter Hale’s daughter.

controlling nails

 

“Take that, bad manicure!”

not just an uncle

comparison

Kira’s mom hid hers in a book . . . probably because most of the students at Beacon Hills High are functional illiterates.  Though Kira may not have nine tails yet, her mother does . . . or at least she did, before Nogitsu-Stiles Firefly Fried five of them.

hidden tails

 

the tale

Since when do foxtails look like Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-3

 

“Go Ninja, go ninja, GO!”

No wonder she keeps them locked away in a book.  Having nine Shredders attached to your ass on a daily basis would hurt like a bitch!

eyes doing thing

Speaking of things that hurt like a bitch, this couldn’t have felt good for Derek or Papa Argent, who were almost exploded by Nogitsu-Stiles, but just barely escaped with their lives . . .

the rescue again

 

you're ok im ok

(By the way, I found it interesting that Derek was willing to risk his life to save the life of the guy who spent most of Season 1 trying to murder him.  Does anyone else think that Derek’s magical dream talk with Talia involved her predicting his own untimely demise?  Between offering sage advice to Scott, to risking his life for people he doesn’t like very much, Muscles McWolf sure seems like I guy whose just been given a Death Sentence?)

internet derek 1

If only the same could be said for This Guy . . .

friday yet

 

“Is it Friday yet?”

But hey, at least he got to get his arm fondled by Scott, before he Walked into the White Light . . .

fonde fondle

There are worse ways to go, honestly . . .

It was a dark and stormy night . . .

In Beacon Hills it rains a bunch . . .  the better to endure intense chase scenes where-in the firefly guys attempt to murder “Stiles” and his friends fight gamely to protect him.

big bad oni

But who are they REALLLLLY PROTECTING?

Inside the vet’s office, Nogitsu-Stiles reveals his true colors.  And they are EVEEEEEEELLLLLL SEXY!  He knocks out Kira, and digs the Oni sword deeper into his bestie’s tummy, as he monolgues about all the pain he manipulated Scott into sucking up that day . . . pain that could give the Nogitsune more power.  (But how did Nogitsu-Stiles know about Scott sucking up Isaac’s pain, when he wasn’t there to witness it?  Or was he . . . at least in spirit?)

arm twist

Then, this happens, and I’m pretty sure it’s the closest Virginal Stiles has ever come to an honest-to-goodness orgasm caused by something other than his right hand.  (Hey, even psychotic fox possession has its benefits, right?)

tickle finge

 

twisty

 

give it to me

 

even more

 

orgasm face

 

was it as good for you

 

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me, Scott?”

that was amazing

“Virgin,schmirgin, you are so much better at this than Allison ever was!”

Talk about getting off on pain!  That Nogitsu-Stiles is one sadomasochistic b*tch, isn’t he?  That couple from 50 Shades of Grey has nothing on him!

sex me now 2

But lest you worry too much about the safety our resident Hot Girl, Scott . . .

hot girl

. . . help is on the way!  The Fox is subdued, poisoned by the same green leafy weed we saw Deaton leach from the Yakuza’s yard less than 40 minutes prior?

have some weed

 

“Enjoy some Japanese Ganja, Nogitsu-Stiles!”

that's some good shit

“That’s some good sh*t!”

And all is safe and right in Beacon Hills?  But for how long?

dont trust the fox

Next week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles winds up in the Loony Bin, which is precisely where Lydia predicted he’d be.   He claims being locked up will keep the world safe from his trickster ass.  But what if this mental institution, a possible former sight for a Japanese Internment camp is precisely where Nogitsu-Stiles wants to be?  What if getting committed is nothing more than another Trojan Horse move from our crafty fox?

Until next time, Werebangers!

winky stiles

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Naughty or Nice? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Fifty Shades of Grayson”

arg

A Very Merry Christmas from your friends at Augustine!

Seasons Greetings, Fangbangers!  In this month of fat men slithering down small chimneys and giving you presents, while stealing your cookies and milk . . . a time when elves (I believe the appropriate term now is “little people”), work tirelessly, without the benefit of vacation time or a health care plan, to build Little Janey her iPad or Kindle Fire, much discussion will inevitably be had over the concept of “Naughty or Nice.”

so naughty

Were you a good girl or boy, this year?

bad girls

How exactly is something like that measured?  Does “Santa” take an average of all of our deeds, and draw up some complex mathematical computation, where the difference between good or evil is merely a hundredth of a decimal point?  Is it merely enough that you’ve been well behaved, this week?   This month?  That even if you’ve been naughty in the past, you promised to do better next time, and really meant it?

4 good bad pick

Or are there actions in this world that are considered to be so evil, that they will land us irredeemably on the Naughty List for life, no matter how hard we try to repent?

3 15 better at bad

Vampire series (and, really, shows starring antiheroes as the main protagonist, in general) grapple with this issue all the time.  How far can a writer push the misdeeds of her main character, before fans find themselves simply unable to empathize with him or her?  Let’s see, over the course of TVD’s five season history, we’ve seen . . .

Damon murder Jeremy, because Elena rejected his romantic advances . . .

damon dont judge

Katherine feed Jeremy to Silas, just so that she could steal the cure to immortality and use it as a bargaining tool with Klaus.  (Poor Jeremy, are we noticing a pattern here?)

dead jer 2

We’ve seen Klaus murder an entire line of hybrids he, himself, sired, stake his siblings countless times just because they were kind of mean to him, kill Useless Aunt Jenna, Tyler’s mom, and that annoying female werewolf whose name I no longer remember . . .

santa klaus

And we’ve watched Stefan eat his own father and murder thousands of innocent humans as the Ripper of Monterrey.

2 22 bloody stefan

And yet, season after season, we forgive these monstrous vampires.  We invite them into our homes.  (A very bad idea, as vampire lore will tell you.)  We root for them to fall in love, get the girl, vanquish their enemies, and live Happily Ever After.

damon eternal stud

But if these were our real family and friends, could we be so forgiving?  If those were our relatives who they bludgeoned?  Our lovers who they remorselessly slew?

forgive me big

forgive me

Maybe . . . but probably not.

life sucks get a helmet

“Fifty Shades of Grayson” delves into that concept wholeheartedly . . . the idea of being completely and utterly beyond redemption.  And by the end of the episode, some of our favorite characters find themselves stuck on the much-despised Naughty List (Do not Pass Go.  Do not collect a MacBook Air.) possibly for . . .  ALL ETERNITY.

big bad vampire out here

Let’s review, shall we?

Damon . . . SMASH!

True story.  When I was about 9 years old, I was cast as the Wicked Queen in my day camp production of Snow White.  During the scene where (SPOILER ALERT), the Queen learns from her Magic Mirror that the Huntsman didn’t really kill Snow White, and her Highness is still not the prettiest girl at the party, I had to say the line, “I’ve been cheated!”

queen grr

In our first rehearsal, I lent all my energy to this single line.  I stamped my foot.  I clenched my fist.  I scrunched up my face like I was constipated.  I jumped up and down like a raving loony.

The whole cast cracked up laughing.  The problem, of course, was that it wasn’t supposed to be a funny scene.  “The Wicked Queen wouldn’t act like that,” my Drama Teacher lectured me.  “She’s mature, dignified, and cunning.  She’s . . .”

Well . . . she’s Regina from Once Upon a Time, basically.

evil queen 2

But try as I might, I just couldn’t say the line “I’ve been cheated,” without sounding like a nine-year old who just had her Barbie doll taken away from her, because that’s what I was!  Eventually, the Drama Teacher gave up on me entirely.  So, on the day of the performance, I huffed, and I puffed, and I stamped, and I screamed, and I gave the temper tantrumiest “I”VE BEEN CHEATED,” of my VERY, VERY short-lived acting career.

(The next summer, in our camp production of Grease, I was given the role of the school custodian.  I stood in the back of two scenes with a mop.  I had no lines.  Not sure why . . . )

stefan shrug

So, why am I telling you this?  Because that’s what Damon reminds me of, whenever he gets angry and starts taking out his aggression on harmless pieces of furniture . . . You guys all remember the Soap Dish Incident, right?

soap dish smash

“I’VE BEEN CHEATED!”

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not denigrating Ian Somerhalder’s acting in any way.  Crazy Temper Tantrum Damon is super hot, while still being kind of hilarious!  And my Drama Teacher was totally off base about my interpretation of the Wicked Queen .  . . just saying.

And that’s precisely where we find Damon in the cold open of “Fifty Shades of Grayson,” hulking out on his poor defenseless Augustine Vampire cage . . .

smash 2

Eventually, he manages to break a piece of rock off the wall.  He uses that rock to “chisel,” Aaron’s forgotten vampire bullet from the previous episode into the lock on his cage door, busting it open . . .

ian says awesome

The idea is so clever in its simplicity that it kind of makes you wonder why neither Damon nor Enzo bothered to think of it at any time during the many, many, many nights they sat together in their cell with nothing to do but await their daily dose of torture and STARE AT WALLS.  I mean, think about it, we saw two Escape from Alcatraz Augustine plans in action here.  The first one involved HANGING OUT FOR A YEAR, and then being faced with hundreds of party people, any of whom could possibly kill you dead (or light you on fire), as you tried to escape.  The second one involved, five minutes of wall punching that might hurt your fingers a little bit . . .

Which would YOU choose?

2 21 everynightisave you but bonnie dies

Anywhoo . . . Damon escapes Chez Augustine with both his humanity and his pretty face still refreshingly intact.  Huzzah!

The Morning After Bitter Pill

I’m not going to lie.  Katherine’s post coital wake up scene may very well have been my favorite one of the entire episode, which is odd considering it was also probably the least tangential to the ongoing plot.

haha i got laid

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There’s a scene in Bridget Jones Diary where Bridget wakes up after a night of earth shatteringly brilliant sex with Darcy, only to be faced with the harsh reality, that being in a real relationship means that your boyfriend will eventually have to see what you look like in the morning naked . . . There she is staring at herself in the mirror, as she really is . . . without all the makeup, the hair product, the perfume, the cute clothes, and the spanx to hide her “wobbly bits” . . . without the benefit of a liquor-induced haze, or the moonlight, or the passion that drives us human animals to screw first, and think later.   She sees her image, and is terrified that when Darcy sees the Real Her, he’ll fall instantly out of love.

Bridget_Reunited_350-01

We’ve all experienced this type of insecurity at one time or another.  But Katherine Pierce never had.  She always had the perfect figure, was disarmingly sexy, perpetually youthful, in stellar shape, and the object of every man’s desire.  And on the rare occasion when a man she coveted didn’t willingly throw himself into her bed, Katherine had the power to snatch his free will and make him do it, anyway.

the kat monster

For the first time in 500-some odd years, Katherine is finding herself in the rest of our shoes.  She wakes up in the morning next to Stefan Salvatore and is positively thrilled with her good fortune, that someone like him, a vampire, young, strong, hard in every sense of the word, would want HER, a mere human.  But all that happiness comes crashing down, when she finds a grey hair on her pillow.  Suddenly, she’s Bridget Jones . . . petrified that Stefan will see her in her grey-haired vulnerability, and discard her, not because she’s selfish, manipulative, and kind of evil (That, she could handle.), but because she’s OLD!

find grey hair

run and tumblr

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Cue the usually graceful Katherine merely falling over herself, as she drapes herself in a comforter, and tumbles out of the room, like a child dressed up as a ghost for Halloween . . .

got a rock

It’s little moments like these that remind me why I first fell in love with this show . . .

At the door, Damon runs into the fleeing Katherine, and feigns nausea over the fact that she just boned his brother.  But we all know Damon would (and has) totally hit that . . .

flirt with damon

The Bride of Damon-stein

Speaking of girls who look like Nina Dobrev, Elena’s morning after is far more bitter and far less sweet than Katherine’s.   She awakens strapped to a gurney to find Dr. Death, draining all the blood out of her body while babbling on about it into that annoying dictaphone of his.

conscious

what are you

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You know as Big Bads, the Augustine Folks were pretty decent . . . locking up vampires . . . torturing them  . . . turning them on one another as weapons of mass destruction?  Scary.

ahhh

But as Mad Scientists?  These guys kind of suck . . .

4 8 lame

Before Elena passes out again, Dr. Death proudly informs her that he’s been performing the exact same experiments on her that her father performed on vampires, back when she was a little girl, and that Dr. Whitmore performed on Damon back in the 50’s.  70 years of experimentation . . . and they are still repeating the exact same experiments over and over and over again.

Damon eye roll

Take blood from a vampire, see how long it takes for them to pass out . . . OOOH!

bloody rib

Electrocute a vampire, see how loud he screams . . . AAAH!

3 4 stef tort

Cut a vampire, watch that vampire heal . . . YAY!

3 3 sun torture

And all of this to discover what teenyboppers who read Twilight figured out on page 10.  Vampire blood can heal human ailments . . . pretty much all of them.

it healed

In other words, Augustine is basically the scientific equivalent of a cat chasing its tail, and a hamster running on that infernal wheel . . . mental midgets with mean streaks, wearing lab coats.

baby%20doctor

No wonder Damon wanted to fry all their asses . . .

wake up kill you

But poor Elena!  Her gene pool just keeps getting murkier and murkier, doesn’t it?  Now, it seems like her Adoptive Father (actual Uncle?) may have sucked as a human being just as badly as her actual father did . . . torturing vampires in a basement for years, all in the name of pseudo science.  At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if, by Season 8, we learned that Elena is somehow related to Hitler too . . .

In which Katherine Pierce endures the HORRORS of exercise . . .

Speaking of mean people distantly related to Elena, Katherine has decided that the cure to sickness and inevitable death is not medicine or science, but drinking Kale and exercising!  (Since when did Katherine Pierce become a Scientologist?)

do you see this

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Once again, Katherine’s mortality brings a refreshing dose of comedy to the hour, as Personal Trainer Matt wryly (but politely, as always) gets personal pleasure out of Katherine’s workout pain and general lack of physical fitness.  To add insult to injury, Matt even calls Katherine’s “long lost” daughter, i.e. the person responsible for getting Matt temporarily possessed by the dude who sounded like the bad guy from Rocky and Bullwinkle to slap Mommy Dearest around a bit for trying to kill herself, without even bothering to send her baby vampire girl a Hallmark card.

you killed me

But fear not, Doppelganger Lovers!  Mini-Katherine has a plan!  If Katherine’s own body is dying, why not simply “borrow” someone else’s?  It worked for Rocky and Bullwinkle Villain guy, right?  I mean, he lasted an entire two extra episodes before someone killed him again, didn’t he?

gregor

This sounds like a truly excellent, fail safe plan, right?

shakes head

Katherine’s not quite buying into the possession idea, either.  She likes looking like Nina Dobrev, dammit!   Even if it’s “old” Nina Dobrev with a bit of grey food coloring in her hair!  And if the choice is between (1) dying a horrible painful death, and (2) living, but looking slightly less attractive while doing it, we all know which option Katherine’s going to choose.

im a survivor

 . . . but only if survival = looking pretty and f*&king Stefan . . .

Besides, Katherine just started boning Stefan again!  She’s not going to let a little thing like her impending demise keep her from getting a few more rides on that Wild Stallion .  . . No sir.

“Nice knowing you, Mini-Me,” Katherine says,  more or less.  “See you in Hell!”

the kat always look out for myself  petrova-gifs

Hostage Aaron Hangs with Hungry Vampires . . . Hilarity Ensues

Having left baby bro Stefan in the dark for 70 years about the whole “Augustine” thing, Damon is forced to be a bit cagey with his brother regarding the missing Elena’s whereabouts.  Fortunately for Damon, Stefan and his hero hair are always suckers for a damsel in distress, and are willing to come along for the ride with pretty much no questions asked.

my hero

You know how I know Aaron is going to fit in just fine on this show?  Because literally a few hours ago, the character learned that he (1) comes from a long line of vampire torturing mad scientists; (2) that a vampire has been systematically killing everyone related to him; and (3) that pretty much all the friends he met at college are either vampires or were murdered by vampires (sometimes both).  He also just shot a vampire, who he presumed to be dead.  That’s a lot of information for any normal human being to absorb.  And yet, when Damon and Stefan find Aaron he’s . . . chilling out listening to some tunes and reading his Chemistry textbook, like its just another boring day on campus.

hanging with dam

“Um, do you think you could wait about two minutes before you kill me?  I was listening to a really good song.”

Even when it becomes pretty clear that Salvatore Squared are holding him hostage, so that Dr. Death will turn over Elena.  And they will very likely kill him whether Dr. Death complies with this request or not, Aaron just takes it all in stride.  “I thought I killed you.  Why aren’t you dead?”  Aaron asks boredly of the murderous vampire who he shot in the head with a bullet.

“You shot me in the head.  You should have aimed for the heart.  Aim for the heart, next time,” Damon scolds, playfully wacking his would-be murderer on the noggin.

smirky damon

Aaron just shrugs off his botched attempted murder of the guy who brutally savaged both his parents.  “Oops.”

I want to learn what kind of anti-anxiety / anti-depressant medication this kid is on . . . and I want a prescription.

pills for depression

Dr. Death agrees to make a trade of Aaron for Elena in some abandoned classroom.  But when the threesome arrive there, they find no Dr. Death, and no Elena. (The trouble with having no personality and being emotionally vacant, Aaron, is that it makes people who supposedly love you kind of ambivalent about saving your life . . .)

encounter

The rendezvous is not a total bust, though.  At least it gives Damon the opportunity to “reconnect” with blast from the past, Enzo.

Enzo’s Ill-Conceived and Ultimately Ineffective Revenge

enzo that you

been awhile

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Good ole, Enzo!  When we last met him in flashback land, he was jolly, hopeful, and downright bromantic.  He loved Damon in the way a dude loves the only other dude he gets to speak to in 70 plus years, who isn’t repeatedly cutting him open on an operating table and electrocuting him for sh*ts and giggles.  He was also pretty darn easy on the eyes, as is the requirement of every male with a speaking part on this show . . .

sex enzy

Personally, I liked that the Enzo we met in present day, was a bit less charming, and a bit more unhinged.  Unlike his fellow guest star, Aaron, this guy is seriously PISSED OFF at the sucky hand he’s been dealt.  And it’s totally understandable.  I mean, who wouldn’t be a little wackadoodle after spending almost a century as a mad scientists life-sized version of the game Operation?

doctor-bot-operation

They have pretty much the same haircut.  But Enzo has much better abs . .  .

It’s Enzo who finally fills in both Stefan and Aaron into the specifics of Damon’s betrayal at the Augustine compound, while standing at the podium of the otherwise abandoned classroom, like a frustrated professor whose students just don’t give two craps about his lecture.   Poor Enzo!  He doesn’t realize he’s rehashing the exact same flashback we all saw last week on The Vampire Diaries.  Dr. Death should really considering getting ole Enzie a cable hookup in his cell.  Problems like this could be avoided.

in class

“This class sucks.  I’m totally dropping it next semester.”

Having given up on educating his “students,” Enzo dismisses both Stefan and Aaron to go back to Aaron’s dorm room in search of information that might be helpful in locating Elena.  Damon, however, is given detention!  No Save Elena Games for him!  Not today.  It’s time for the Elder Salvatore to accept his punishment for being such a sh*tty friend to a fellow hot person . . .

elena ahhh

You see, when Dr. Death set Enzo free, it was with a pretty significant catch.  He injected the vampire with a dessication agent.  So, Enzo was dying and could only get healthy if he returned to the compound to get the antidote.  And he could only get the antidote if he killed Damon.

Ruh-roh!

BabyScared

Sucks for you, Enzo!  Damon’s the main character on this show!  It looks like you’ve been set up for failure.  (See, a little TV viewing would have gone a long way in this instance.  Damon has just enough time to kindly inform Enzo he’s “just not that into him,” before the sexy broody vamp goes all stiff and veiny.

Elsewhere on Campus . . .

Aaron is having slightly better luck at weaseling his way into the heart of a Salvatore Brother.  When Stefan gets the idea, that Aaron has dishonestly lured the younger Salvatore Bro back to his dorm room, just to break free from his clutches, Stefan pulls the ole homoerotic Slam the Other Hot Boy Against the Wall trick that all the teen shows are trying these days.

wall slam

ep 9 wall slam bitten by salvatores

ep 12 wall slam stiles dad jackson

“Just kill me,” Aaron challenges.  “I’m basically already dead.  Damon has been murdering my whole family.  And, assuming I don’t have another long lost relative out there somewhere to carry on the Whitmore name, he’s probably going to kill me too.  So, do it first, and don’t give him the satisfaction.”

Clever boy, that Emotionally Empty Aaron!  He somehow intuited that Stefan Salvatore is a sucker for the pathetic and suicidal.  And that little piece of psychoanalytics ended up saving his life.  “We aren’t all like my brother,” Vampire Civil Rights Activist Stefan explained before removing his hands from around Aaron’s neck.

3 12 sad stefan stefan the hero

How very Season 1 of True Blood, Bill Compton, of him!

As it turns out, Aaron wasn’t lying about having information in his “diaries” that will save Elena.  And so Savior Stefan runs off to the evil lab to rescue his princess.

And just in time too (maybe).  You see, Dr. Death had just stabbed Elena with an elixir that would basically turn her into a Ripper for Vampire Blood, rendering her an instant danger to pretty much her entire Scooby Gang.  Elena then knocks Dr. Death unconscious, moments before Stefan saves her.  But as she leaves, she stupidly grabs her father’s medical diaries instead of the syringe itself, so we have no way of knowing whether she ingested enough of the vampire eating drug for it to have an impact on her.

draco malfoy facepalm

To add further insult to injury Enzo too, may or may not have been turned into a Ripper for Vamp Blood when Damon “rescued” him by stabbing him with every syringe in Dr. Death’s office, until one of them woke him up.  (You would think an anal retentive guy like Dr. Death would have a better labeling system for his vampire pharmaceuticals.

most important

monster

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Life saved or no life saved, Enzo is still not quite ready to forgive and forget Damon’s humanity free abandonment of his ass back in the 50’s.  “You will always be a monster,” says the vampire who killed Elena’s adorable guest star roommate with glasses.

you are a monster

cookie-monster3-7769871237963363

Well, ain’t that the pot calling the kettle a fanger?

In which Damon once again decides Elena is “too pure” for him (Shower, Rinse, Repeat) . . .

Here we go again . . . back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena excitedly tells Damon that, even though her father was a sadistic vampire torturer, he wasn’t so bad because, at least according to his diaries, he used vampire blood to save Elena’s roommate from immediate death, as a result of congenital heart failure.  (Instead, she suffered horrifically painful, eaten alive, and subsequently tossed out window death, by Enzo the Hungry Vampire, eight years later.  HOORAY!)

megan and dad

meg

(I kind of see a resemblance?  Same name too . . .)

Damon thinks Elena is being a pain in the ass Pollyanna, because she consistently sees the good in all people, even when they do things that make them irredeemably sh*tty.   And so for the 85,000 time since the series started, Damon dumps Elena “for her own good,” because “he’s a bad person, who is incapable of redemption,” and “he’s tired of her having to make excuses for him,” and “fate says she should be with Saint Stefan, blah de blah blah.”

stop defending

wont change

choosing to

OK, OK . . . now, I know I sound like I’m just being sour grapes, because I’m a Delena fan, and I’m pissed that the writers went and sank my ship.  But that’s not it, really!  You see, the thing is, I loved Damon’s “you’re too good for me” speech, back when he said it in Season 2, and compelled Elena to forget it shortly thereafter . . .

And when he said it again, at the end of Season 2, when he was dying and Elena was caring for him in what she truly believed would be his final hours on Earth. . .

Or in Season 4, where Elena FINALLY chooses Damon, not because of some creepy sire bond, but because she loves HIM, in spite of all the crappy things he said about himself just moments before she excitedly and romantically raped his face with her tongue . . .

I loved all of these scenes.  And I suspect I would have loved this one too, in spite its inherent sadness, in spite of it spelling the death knell for my ship, if I hadn’t seen it in its different (arguably better) iterations, at least three times before.

3 3 bored honour in

Yes, we get it, Damon is a “Bad Guy.”  He’s done “Bad Things.”  He believes himself to be “Bad for Elena,” despite the fact that he loves her wholeheartedly, and has, pretty much, since the middle of Season 1 of this series.  We know this.

3 11 delena not right now asheleyelizabeth1020

What I don’t understand is what is it about Damon’s recalling that he screwed over Enzo, of all the millions of bad things he’s done (and Stefan has done too, mind you) that made him decide to break things off with Elena, despite the fact that the plot dictated that it was “Stefan’s turn” to have her.  What did the season finale change fundamentally about Damon’s relationship with Elena?

no one tells me who i love

Nothing!  There’s no longer any sire bond.  Damon and Elena both currently have their humanity in tact.  Neither of them is dying, or racing for the cure, or running from Klaus.  So, basically, Damon dumped Elena because  . . . what?  He is tired of her justifying his bad behavior . . . just like she justified the bad behavior of her father . . . just like she justifies the bad behavior of Stefan and everyone else on this show . . . just like all the fans of this show (myself especially) do, every week?

nodding oh yeah

It just seems like a pretty crappy reason to break up with someone you supposedly love more than life itself.  But that’s just me . . .

damon soulful crying

But hey, maybe I’m being too harsh.  Maybe I should trust that the writers know what’s right for this ship . . . for these characters . . . for this show . . . in the long run . . .

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

no no on

Why the Dying Should NEVER Wear High Heels on Steep Staircases . . .

In other rejection news, despite her fantasies to the contrary, Katherine’s impending Date with Death is not enough to make Stefan forgive her for breaking his heart, pretty much ruining his relationship with his brother for 100 plus years, and being the series’ Big Bad for a Season and a half.  “I’m sorry you’re dying,” Stefan tells an increasingly grey-haired Katherine, as he holds her hand like it’s a consolation prize.

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Yikes.  Talk about “He’s just not that into you.”

When not even  IMPENDING DEATH garners you an ounce of sympathy from your crush, you just know wedding bells are out of the question.  And so Katherine decides that a little body swapping might not be such a bad idea . . .  She calls her Mini-Me to tell her the good news.

Annnnnnnnnnd then she has a heart attack (?) and tumbles down the steps . . .

dying 1

dying 2

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Here’s hoping her next body owns at least one pair of sensible shoes.

11nikeshoes

Until next time, Fangbangers!

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Bloody Tricks and Sucky Treats – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Monster’s Ball”

rawr damon

Happy Post-Halloween, Fangbangers?  Still nursing that pesky Candy Hangover?

eating kat

Are you currently grappling with the naughty things you might have done, while wearing someone else’s face?

shadow self

Perhaps, your just a teensy bit bummed, because this Halloween wasn’t quite as epic, as you hoped it would be?

dear great pumpkin

got a rock

Whatever your current early-Novembery mood,  this recap is sure to . . . not change it at all . . .

soap dish smash

But it will make you feel a bit better about your family and friends, who I assume have never broken your neck multiple times in a single evening, just so your evil doppelganger could hit on his ex-girlfriend . . .

neck breaking

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. . . or stabbed you in the stomach on the day of your family reunion . . .

sad nadia

. . . or fed you to a hungry vampire, encouraged him to drain you entirely of blood, and then seemed slightly disappointed when you didn’t actually die . . .

im a survivor

2 21 everynightisave you but bonnie dies

If you had family and friends like those, a tummy ache and a crappy Halloween would be the least  of your problems . . .

life sucks get a helmet

See?  I bet your life is looking better to you already!

happy elena

Let’s review, shall we?

A Long Time Ago, I Used to Have Friends . . .

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Dear Diary,

After abandoning you for four seasons, and burning you to shreds  back when I lost my humanity, I’ve decided to recycle you as a lame recapping plot device.  Congrats?

Sitting alone beneath the Saddest Tree at Whitmore College, Elena helpfully recaps for us, via Diary-writing Inner Monologue, the “Previously On the Vampire Diaries” sequence that just ended two seconds ago.  I strongly suspect this is because Elena fears that some fans of this show and a few of its writers suffer from extreme short-term memory loss, and can only remember what’s going on with the show at the very minute they are watching it . . .

Wait, did I just type that?  I don’t remember typing that . . .

3 16 dear diary fearisforthewinter

3 16 chipmunk fearisforthewinter

3 16 told him joe fearisfor

3 16 lie will haunt fear is for

In her monologue, Elena suggests that her Diary might be “tired of her talking about Death.”  This statement taught me a number of things I never knew about diaries.  First, apparently, when you burn your diary, its soul and memories get transferred forward to every diary you will ever have in the future.  So, no matter how nice you might be to your current diary, it will always remember you as a book-murdering, death babbling on about, b*tch.  Second, your diary is reading everything you write in it for entertainment value, and silently judges you whenever you don’t deliver.  In short, diaries are Major Asshats.

laughing dan

Speaking of Major Asshats, Elena is being one to Damon by ignoring his calls, while he’s standing right behind her, watching her ignore his calls.  When Damon calls Elena on her crap she calmly explains that she is too busy waxing poetic to a Diary that secretly hates her guts to have sex with a guy that looks like this naked . . .

wet damon 2

Doctor Damon promptly diagnoses his suddenly-frigid girlfriend with “Survivor’s Guilt.” But I think it’s that pesky short term memory loss again.  Elena simply doesn’t remember how awesome sex with Damon was!  Well, Elena, since you were so helpful  in recapping the recap of the show two minutes after it aired, please allow me to return the favor . . .

more sex

sex y delena 1

delena sex big

You’re welcome . . .

You see, Elena, sex with hot people is very powerful.  It magically makes you to forget all the bad things about your life and relationships.  Just look at Tyler and Caroline!

post coit

3 4 forwood txgirl0302

taroline sex

The writers only let these two see one another about once a season, for conjugal visits.  And yet, all it takes is a few minutes of hot hybrid humping,  and Tyler and Caroline are suddenly convinced that they are the best, most well-adjusted, couple in Mystic Falls (not that they have all that much competition .  . . I mean, Jeremy exclusively dates corpses).

defans jeremy hulk

Maybe if you started dating live women, for a change, you wouldn’t have to keep ruining your shirts out of sexual frustration .  . .

Speaking of corpses, Bonnie is still lurking around town watching, of all things, Elena writing in her diary.  BO-RRRRING!  Maybe, being dead kills your libido.  Because Ghost Me would totally be spending my Eternity-in-Limbo watching the Forwood Sex happening upstairs, or back in Mystic Falls, watching Jeremy bone Oriental Rugs . . .

jer bear pushups

Your DEAD, Bon-Bon.  It’s high time you got your priorities in order . . .

Speaking of attractive people who can’t move on with their lives, check out New Sexy Blonde Guy, who stops by Dead Megan’s memorial daily to leave flowers and attract girls like Elena for whom Damaged Broody Boys with Sinister Secrets are like catnip . . .

sad shaun sipos

Elena visits New Sexy Blonde Guy to get his name and make some innocent conversation.  But he is not buying what she is selling, and blows her off without fanfare.  Well played, New Sexy Blonde Guy!  Elena already has enough Damaged Broody Boys with Sinister Secrets to build her own harem.  Let the rest of us have a chance!

marcia marcia marcia

Elena, Elena, Elena!

Everybody is all a-buzz about the Random Weekly Event / Excuse to Get All the Characters In the Same Place Whitmore Costume Ball, except for the finally Shirtless (Yay!) Cinderella Jesse, whose Evil Step Professor is forcing him to stay strapped to a table and be subject to stupid experiments that only seem to confirm what everybody and their mother already knew about recently-turned vampires . . .

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Let’s see, they . . . are SENSITIVE TO SOUNDS AND SUNLIGHT!

duh told you so

They LIKE BLOOD!

ep 9 obviously stiles

THEIR TEETH GET POINTY BEFORE THEY FEED!

Damon eye roll

As much as I like seeing you half-naked, Jesse, don’t let that douchebag do you dirty like this.  You are a NEW, RAVENOUSLY HUNGRY, EXTREMELY PISSED OFF VAMPIRE, DAMMIT!  Compel the guy into believing he’s a piece of Salisbury Steak, eat his ass, and get out of there!

meat with eyes

Professor Medium-Rare field

Meanwhile, over in a fleabag motel, somewhere in the U.S., Katherine gorges on trans fats, while Nadia breaks the news to her about Silas’ plans for her blood.  It turns out the “Diabolical One” won’t be content with just a stryrofoam cup filled with Katherine’s delicious blood.  He needs ALL OF IT!  (This is true, even though the actual Cure for Vampirism that Katherine drank was only the size of a thimble.)

the kat thank me brought cure

Yikes!  That’s a mighty big meal for a skinny guy!  Ever hear of portion control, PIG?

2 22 bloody stefan

At least now we know where Stefan gets his appetite . . . and his super fast metabolism . . .

Damon’s Ridiculous  Stupid   Suicidal   Extremely Dumb   Awful Great Idea

“Hey,” says Damon to Jer Bear, as the two lounge around La Casa de Rich and Awesome because their dead girlfriends won’t or can’t sleep with them.  “I’ve got an awesome idea!  Let’s risk all of our lives, and possibly bring about the Apocalypse, by aligning ourselves with the Sociopathic Mind-Controlling Vampire/Witch Freak, who looks just like my brother, so that we can bring Bonnie back from the dead, and Elena will be ever-so-slightly less miserable and maybe start having sex with me again.”

lightbulb-idea

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

To which, Jer Bear replies, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Hey, why not? I was planning on a busy day of doing push-ups and chopping wood half-naked.

jer 1

But this sounds like fun too!  Besides, it’s not as though Damon’s plans ever go horribly wrong . . .”

dead jer 2

Meanwhile, Bonnie is shaking her head in disapproval, thinking to herself, “Why am I sexually attracted to this kid, when he’s clearly a moron?”

team bonnie its delena love

Then, she remembers what he looks like with his shirt off, and decides to keep her mouth shut.

more fondle

So, what’s the grand plan?  Basically it involves everyone going to the Ball (SURPRISE!), so that they can track down Quetsiyah, who will be picking up some sort of Mystical Anchor thingy.  Then, they are going to take that Mystical Anchor thingy and give it to Silas, so that he can drink Katherine’s blood, turn into a mortal witch, and resurrect Bonnie right before he dies.

no no on

P.S. For some inexplicable reason (Comedy for Delena Fans?), this plan involves killing Stefan multiple times, thereby breaking the bond between the two Doppelgangers, and allowing Silas to read / mind control Quetsiyah.

stefan shrug

[OK, Vampire Diaries Mythology Experts, I have two questions for you:  (1) If Silas’ big plan was merely to find out where Quetsiyah was hiding the Mystical Anchor thingy, why didn’t he just have someone else tail her at the party . . . someone who didn’t possess the face shes hated for over 1,000 years?

quet

(2) If Silas could always read / mind control Quetsiyah, before the witch mentally linked him to and subsequently brain-fried his doppelganger (as we saw him do at one point during the episode), why didn’t he simply brainwash her to undo her spell, thereby allowing him to live in the after life with Amara centuries ago?]

brain fried stefan

“Doh!”

Now, that we’re all thoroughly confused, let’s head to the party shall we?

Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1492  . . .

stefan drunk verge of

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The best part of every TVD themed-dance episode is inevitably the costumes.  And this episode is no exception.  Caroline and Tyler attend the Whitmore Costume Ball as Bonnie and Clyde . . .

bonnie and clyde big

bonnie and clyde

Damon and Elena go as a pre-fat and stinky gout-footed Henry VIII and a pre-beheaded Anne Boleyn, respectively (How romantic?) . . .

halloween

I can barely tell the two apart!

8th couple

Amnesia Stefan attends as Season 3 Ripper Stefan James Dean . . .

3 2 hello brother stefan

james dean

Professor Severus Snape   Dickhead   Maxfield dresses up as Dr. Jekyll.

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(Though without the hat, he kind of just looks like a guy in a suit . . .)

And Hot Sexy Blonde Guy goes as “that one douchebag at every costume party, who thinks he’s too cool to dress up, and therefore, wears a lame shirt with a tuxedo drawn on the front.”

aaron in tux

Meanwhile, at some greasy spoon diner, Nadia and Katherine consume even more trans fats (though neither of these women look as though they’ve ever so much as looked at a french fry, let alone swallowed one).  While they munch, Nadia interrogates Katherine about her dark past of female friend betrayal, before admitting to her that Katherine had sold out and gotten her mother killed.  And, because of this, Nadia turned herself into a vampire, so that she could better follow her around for 500 years, without . . . you know . . . getting old and dying and stuff. . .

nadia

“Really, I just did it because I knew, if I stopped looking like this, it would be much more difficult for me to have threesomes with random people I ran into while traveling through Europe.”

(What is it about Katherine that possesses people to spend their entire eternity doing a REALLY, REALLY bad job of finding her?  Damon did it for 150 years .  . . Klaus and this chick . . . for 500.  As someone who, as a child, couldn’t play Hide-in-go-Seek for more than two rounds without getting bored and going back in the house to play video games, I’m intrigued . . .)

Convinced the foreign vampire chick is trying to kill her, Katherine stakes Nadia in the heart, knowing full well that this will not kill her, because her heart is all greased up from all the fatty foods they just consumed.   (Huh?  Is that an actual thing?  Does this mean that fat, unhealthy, high cholesterol having vampires are more immortal than other vampires?)

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

It turns out Katherine knows that Nadia was lying about her story, since, after the first few months or so, even Klaus’ inept minions weren’t stupid enough to mistake another woman for Katherine.  It is then that Nadia admits the truth, Katherine killed her mother, not by turning her in to Katherine’s minions, but by hanging herself in a cave and turning vamp.   You see, Nadia is Katherine’s daughter, the one who was taken away from Katherine because she had it out of wedlock, shortly before Klaus killed her entire family and hunted her down . ..

katherine

Awww, how touching!  A mother – daughter reunion.  Katherine and Nadia would have totally tearfully hugged, were it not for the 6-inch steak sticking out of Nadia’s heart.

first stabbing

I wonder if Hallmark sells a Mother’s Day Card that says, “I love you, even though you pretty much ruined my life, and traumatized me for all eternity.”

If they don’t yet, they totally should . . .

Like Lambs to Slaughter . . .

Ever a glutton for punishment, Amnesia Stefan decides to hit on, of all people, the chick who fried his brains, Quetsiyah.  (Stefan’s always been a sucker for women who make him act stupid . . .)

stefan shrug

Damon gallantly rescues his brother from possible future heartbreak, by breaking his neck instead  . . .

(There should be a Hallmark card for that too.)

While Stefan is snoozing away in the foyer, Silas is working his magic on Quetsiyah.  He quickly learns that Quetsiyah doesn’t know where the Mystic Anchor is, because Nadia and the Travelers hid it (it’s clearly inside Matt, and can only be extracted using the knife Gregor is hiding in his house).  So, she’s using a locket of hers that miraculously made its way to one of the display cases at the party to perform a locator spell.

witchy

Poor Baby Silas gets a headache, every time Stefan starts to wake up from being dead.

stefan crying gif

So, Damon gladly provides his new friend with virtual Aspirin, by killing his brother every four to six hours minutes, as directed.  (Talk about whacked priorities.  Then again, this is the guy who is risking the lives of the entire town to bring back from the dead a girl he never seemed to like all that much, whose death he failed to notice for over four months. . . )

damon dont judge

Elsewhere at the ball, Caroline would very much like to have Kinky Handcuff Sex with Tyler.  But he turns her down, because he has to pack and be in New Orleans by Tuesday, 8 p.m. / 7 p.m Central to guest star on The Originals  . . .

originals poster

It turns out Tyler is still a bit sore at Klaus for making the younger hybrid temporarily gay for him, mind controlling him to almost kill his girlfriend, and then actually killing his mother and hybrid buddies.  He wants revenge, even though the kind of revenge he can get is pretty darn limited considering that killing Klaus will result in Tyler’s death, as well as the death of basically every character in the entire CW franchise, due to that whole “bloodline” thing . . .

tyler points

Caroline goes all Taylor Swift on Tyler, telling him that if he walks out on her now, they are “Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together (No, not ever.).”

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And then he leaves  . . .  again . . . for the 465th time.

Elena sees New Sexy Blonde Guy looking sad by the punch bowl and compels him into telling her his name (Aaron) and sob story (“Everyone I love dies.”)

everyone die

cant feel

Awwww, how sweet!  It looks like Elena has found herself a Kindred Spirit Grim Reaper.  Watch out coeds of Whitmore College!  With these two allied together, it’s highly unlikely any of you will live long enough to ever don a cap and gown .  . .

grim reapers at CVS

Speaking of people I wouldn’t trust my life with, Elena shares a creepy, highly inappropriate dance, with Professor-I-Like-to-Torture-My-Students-For-Fun-And-Call-It-Research kind of like the toady looking teacher who always wore pink in Book 5 of the Harry Potter series Maxfield.  During the dance, the Professor tells Elena that he thinks a vampire killed Megan . . .

surprised-face

(“You mean to tell me a vampire killed someone on a Vampire Show?  LUDICROUS!”)

He also warns Elena that people are on to her true identity, and she should leave school ASAP, before they find her . . . bad people . . . the kind of people who strap their hot teaching assistants down to operating tables and perform stupid, but highly painful, experiments on them to prove things they already know . . .

OOPS, did I say that?

wes max

P.S. Professor Maxfield has some kind of familial relationship with Hot Grim Reaper Aaron . . .  you know, because if a character on this show has the same hair color as another character on this show they are almost always relatives of one another  . . .

Hey Matt, you are blonde and seem low on family members?   How’d you like to inherit a douchey professor dad, and dour collegiate fraternal twin brother?

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

And Now, for the Grand Finale . . .

Stefan awakens once again, but fakes death long enough to catch Damon off guard and snap his neck for a change.  Brothers are the best, aren’t they?

brother to brother salvatores 1864 love

Then, he rushes to tell Quetsiyah that she’s been hitting on the wrong Paul Wesley look-alike.  Quetsiyah responds by sticking her hand in Silas’ chest and squeezing his heart like its a stress ball, until his body dries out.

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(Wait?  I thought only vampires and people from the show Once Upon a Time could do that?  Apparently, witches can too?  Do not try this at home, practicers of Wicca!)

rebekah heart

open heart surgery

Once Damon wakes up from being dead, he dutifully carries his new pal, ash-hearted Silas home to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to wait out his temporary death on the couch like everyone else on this show does.  (They should really consider getting that leather cleaned.)

The Casting Couch

Elena comes home and seems less than bothered by the fact that a creepy Stefan lookalike is rotting on the couch where she and Damon sometimes screw.  She’s even less bothered when Damon casually invites Katherine over and haphazardly feeds her to Silas.  The two watch vacant-eyed and expressionless as the woman Damon once loved for 150 year, who looks just like Elena, has the life drained out of her by Stefan’s Evil Twin.

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It is weird and highly unsettling.  But maybe their humanity switches were on the fritz.  It’s happened before.

turn it off

stone faced elena

Besides, it’s for a good cause!  Elena’s pet Bonnie is dead.  And everyone who’s ever seen the movie Pet Cemetery knows that bringing your pets back to life at all costs is always, always a good idea . . .

cat scary

Then, Katherine wakes up from the dead and wonders, quite logically, if she’s in Hell.

am i in hell

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Worse, honey .  . . you’re in Mystic Falls . . .

Until next week, Fangbangers!

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Women Scorned – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Original Sin”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It’s no secret that everyone’s favorite teen vampire show has always been a bit of a sausage factory . . .

hot dog costume

 . . . at least metaphorically speaking . . .

3 1 baby elephant

For four seasons, the series has been almost exclusively dominated, both in the hero and in the villain column, by eternally youthful and modelesque men with uncommonly large . . .

blue balls

 . . . muscles . . .

jer 1

. . . super human strength, razor-sharp teeth . . .

eat pizza

tortured souls, and hearts of only slightly tarnished gold who, despite being instantly desired by everyone they meet, seem to only have eyes for the daintiest, most delicate, of damsels of distress, who just so happen to live right next door . . .

bloody elena

caroline carter

OK .  .  . so maybe they aren’t always all that dainty.  But I think you get my point . . .  Mystic Falls has almost always been a man’s world, wh