GAME OF THRONES: We’re Going to Need a Bigger Wall! (Season 7 Finale Recap)

(Cross posted at Agonybooth.com)

So, overall the Season 7 Finale episode was kind of an “L” in the Team Good Guys column. . . what with (1) the Night’s King and Viseri-Zombie completely demolishing The Wall, thereby allowing the Zombie Army to enter Westeros proper; and (2) Cersei RSVPing “Yes” on the E-vite for “Jon’s and Dany’s Team Breathing Party,” only to rudely back out at the last second.

“I’ll be washing my hair that day.”

But hey, it wasn’t all bad! Littlefinger died, so that was kind of awesome, right? The Stark sisters are back together again! Jamie and Theon both finally took their heads out of their respective asses. Jon’s finally been legitimized . . . at least by BranBot3000, if not, necessarily by Folks Who Matter yet. And the two most beautiful people on the show had two seconds of really hot sex . . . which, if you aren’t too picky about the whole “She’s His Aunt Thing,” was fairly pleasant to watch.

So, let’s erase that “L” for loss and call it a “T” for tie, yeah?

We’ve got tons to cover on this, the LONGEST EPISODE IN GAME OF THRONES HISTORY. So, let’s get started . . .

Much Ado About Cocks

The first sixteen minutes of the episode is literally just the entire cast walking in Kings Landing to the Big Meeting at the Coliseum Thingy. I’m fairly certain it took the characters longer to walk that half a mile distance than it took pretty much any one character to get anywhere else in Westeros all season.

Still walking . . .

But it’s all good, because this gave Bronn time to make a rather insightful comment about how every war ever fought by men revolves, in some way, around their dicks. (Side note: this is a rather peculiar comment to make on a show where a sizable portion of the characters are sans male anatomy: the Unsullied, Theon, Varys . . . not to mention all the ladies fighting for the Iron Throne.) Though the line, at first blush, seems like a throwaway one, it actually foreshadows a scene later in the episode. So, um, don’t forget about the cocks, OK?

Walking 2: Electric Boogaloo

In addition to all this penis talk, lots of other characters, who haven’t had a chance to hang out in a few seasons, get to meet up with one another, while on this Extremely Long Walk. Brienne and Hound have an awkward meet-again cute, in which Brienne apologizes for almost murdering Hound, while, at the same time being kind of surprised that she didn’t succeed in actually murdering him. The tension between the pair is quickly diffused however, as the two reminisce about how truly Bad Ass their mutual former charge Arya happens to be.

Walking: The Final Frontier

Pod and Tyrion also get to bro it out for the first time since they fought alongside one another at the Battle of Blackwater, until Bronn interrupts them to throw in a bon mot about Pod’s Magical Cock. (Quite a weiner fixation that Bronn has, doesn’t he?)

Also during the walk, Jamie and Brienne side eye one another. Theon and Euron side eye one another. Hound and The Mountain side eye one another (thus confirming that The Mountain actually HAS eyes underneath that Darth Vader helmet of his). It’s basically just sixteen minutes of walking and side-eyes.

The Unsullied physically arrive at the site first. Followed by the Dothraki Screamers, who, for me, are such a joy to watch, simply because they always seem to be having so much more fun than pretty much anybody else on the show.

Cersei arrives second to last, followed by Dany. The Mother of Dragons appears fashionably late and in style, as always, on the back of Drogon, with Rhagael bringing up the rear.

The party doesn’t start ‘til I fly in!

Cersei then proceeds to make a catty comment to Dany about how long everybody has been waiting for her, even though the two women arrived on the scene just about one minute apart from one another. (Clearly, the Lannister Queen is just salty because she wanted to be the one to arrive last.)

Dammit! Why do I have to be such a fast walker?

In Which The Hound Brings in His New Pet Zombie for Show and Tell

Once we’ve got basically the entire cast of the show on the scene, Euron annoys everybody by taking this opportunity to tell Theon: “I have your sister and youuuuuu don’t, Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nahhhhh” (Clearly, Euron is that coworker of yours who goes to the staff meeting without reading the agenda first, and then bores everyone by complaining for twenty minutes about how long the kitchen has been out of Hazelnut-flavored Keurig coffee pods.)

Once Euron finally shuts up, Jon can begin his Team Breathing pitch proper. He logically explains how Kings Landing has a million inhabitants, who are all in danger of basically becoming zombies, if Westeros doesn’t put aside their petty fights for the uncomfortable chair and kill the Night’s King ASAP.

Dany then pipes in to announce that she got her Team Breathing Club Membership card last week! It’s a super cool club! And those who join get a one-week episode hiatus from Uncomfortable Chair Fighting sometime during Season 8 of the show!

Cersei and Co. are not immediately sold on this idea, seeing as Cersei is DEFINITELY the kind of gal who won’t join any club that would have her as a member. So Team Breathing breaks out the big guns! In walks The Hound carrying a large wooden box.

Hound takes his sweet time opening this box, and displays an uncharacteristic amount of panache and flare while doing so . . . a magician prepping for a magic trick with the ugliest assistant EVER.

Eventually, he manages to get the box open, and out runsFido, everyone’s new favorite Pet Zombie, who charges at Cersei with more emotional heft than you’d expect from an undead-y. Cersei does seem to be moderately frightened by the thing, though she could just be backing away like that because zombies have notoriously stinky morning breath.

Jon then goes through the process of teaching everyone the do’s and don’ts of zombie murder. The Hound first chops poor Fido up into pieces, each of which continue to wiggle around of their own free will, post-dismemberment. It’s kind of like that donkey costume where one person is dressed up as the head and the other is the ass? (LESSON 1: Chopping up the zombie = bad. Got it.)

Then Jon picks up the dismembered hand and burns it successfully. (LESSON 2: Burning zombie = good!). And the Hound finishes off the rest of it using a dragon glass sword. (LESSON 3: Spearing zombie with Super Special Snowflake Plot Device Weapon = also good.)

Oddly enough, no one bothers to mention how killing the White Walkers can effectively eradicate all the zombies in a single blow. (LESSON 4: Killing One Single Scrawny White Walker Wearing a Funny Hat That Makes Him Easily Recognizable In a Crowd = best) Talk about burying the lead, Team Breathing!

“I’ll be here all week!”

 

Sassy Euron Greyjoy is slightly more on point with his next contribution to the meeting. “Can zombies swim?” He wonders (thereby providing me with a funny image in my head of a hoard of zombies all wearing matching floaties and attempting to doggie paddle en-mass to the Iron Islands).

As we learned last week during the Undead Ice Flow Fiasco, zombies definitely aren’t buoyant. Jon confirms this fact to Euron, who responds by dramatically exiting stage left. “Catch you land lubbing losers, later. I’m going back to my safe ugly island,” Cersei’s new Gay Best Friend says, more or less.

By the way, anyone interested in contributing to my GoFundMe campaign to Outfit the Entire Zombie Hoarde with Floaties and Life Jackets so they can kill Euron just let me know in the comments section . . .

A Truth and Two Lies

Cersei, in a surprising show of grace, instantly assents to the temporary Uncomfortable Chair fighting détente . . . but only if Jon Snow and the North collectively agree to play Switzerland, and not choose sides in the Heavy Weight Title Throne Match between Cersei and Dany.

This is the point in the episode where Jon “I Cannot Tell a Lie” Snow, rips off his shirt to reveal a bright pink “Team Dany” t-shirt. “Sorry, Cers,” he explains with a shrug. “The North is officially all in on the hot chick with the dragons. I changed my wallpaper on Facebook to Drogon’s face framed in a heart and everything. So, no Switzerland for us.”

“Well, I guess we are all becoming zombies next season then. No deal,” Cersei responds nonchalantly before storming back to her castle.

“WAY TO GO, JON SNOW,” grumbles everyone in the Coliseum Thingy, and all the viewers at home, simultaneously. (Jon has just basically become the guy at the World Cup who scores the winning goal . . . into his own team’s net.)

“I’m sorry, guys!” Jon insists. “But the Mother of Dragon’s is just sooo pretty. And the Team Switzerland t-shirt doesn’t bring out the color of my eyes nearly as well as the Team Dany one.”

Tyrion volunteers to approach Cersei with an appeal on behalf of Team Breathing. His first instinct is to ply his big sister with booze, seeing as raging alcoholism is the one thing these two siblings still have in common. When Cersei declines the wine, Tyrion immediately knows she’s pregnant.

So, perhaps is the pregnancy hormones that make the typically heartless Cersei get all misty eyed at the prospect of having the Mountain murder her little brother, despite the fact that she blames him for pretty much everything bad that has ever happened to the Lannisters since Tyrion murdered his pops on a toilet bowl. Tyrion miraculously ends up leaving the exchange still a member of Team Breathing, in both senses of the word.

Shortly thereafter, Cersei reenters the Coliseum and tells the gang she’s had a change of heart. She’s going to help with the zombie fighting, after all!

Everyone is ELATED, and RELIEVED, until Jamie learns later that his sister was LYING about her willingness to help . . . just like Euron was LYING about going back to the Iron Islands. Instead, Euron is going to the bank to withdraw some cash, so Cersei can conquer some more lands while Team Breathing are busy getting their asses handed to them by the Night’s King. “Obviously, my Gay Best Friend wouldn’t leave me without saying goodbye,” Cersei notes matter-of-factly. “Nobody walks away from me.”

For the first time in seven seasons of this show, Jamie is legitimately disgusted by his sister / lover’s behavior! Nonetheless, he doesn’t walk away from her (because, as she just said, nobody does that). Instead he RIDES away from her (presumably to Winterfell), just as snow begins to fall on his pretty little head. It appears winter has finally come to Kings Landing, after all . . .

Nobody is Getting Littlefingered Anymore!

Who gets to clean that up?

Meanwhile, over in Winterfell, Sansa has just learned via raven that Jon has started donning a Hot Pink Team Dany t-shirt, and will be wearing it proudly next season, when the ridiculously attractive pair ride together in a boat en route back to Jon’s birthplace. Sansa, understandably, is a bit miffed that she wasn’t consulted by her older brother about this decision. Littlefinger senses Sansa’s unhappiness and replies by saying, “Yeah, that sucks what Jon did. You should totally murder your sister.”

Wait . . . what? Talk about a total non-sequitur.

Littlefinger, reasoning that people are generally shitty, and, when given the opportunity will almost always make the shittiest choices for the shittiest possible reasons, subtly leads Sansa to the conclusion that Arya is trying to become Lady of Winterfell over Sansa, so Sansa should definitely kill her.

Two seconds later, Sansa has called for a trial in the Great Hall. Arya is led to the center of the room, where the defendant usually stands. The charges are murder and treason. But the defendant is not Arya. The defendant is . . . wait for it . . . LITTLEFINGER himself.

Apparently, Branbot3000 is useful for something other than napping by trees and creeping people out. He has provided Sansa with the entire Wiki page on all the truly awful things Littlefinger has done since Season 1, and there are a TON! To name a few, he (1) murdered that crazy Lady Lysa Arryn; (2) gave Lysa the poison to murder her husband, Jon Arryn, and blamed the Lannisters for it; and (3) got Ned Stark tried for treason and beheaded. (That last one’s a biggie for this particular audience!)

“Send pics, or it didn’t happen,” Littlefinger responds, more or less.

Haha, wrong thing to say, Littlefinger. BranBot3000 has pics of everything in the Game of Thrones DVR Box Set that exists in his mind. More than pics, he’s got GIFS, with words in them, from the scripts of every episode of this entire series!

BranBot3000 chooses this moment to describe all the words Littlefinger said as he was betraying Ned Stark. And everyone in the hall instantly believes Bran, because he’s too weird and creepy, and has too terrible social skills to be a good liar.

Sansa admits that she’s a slow learner. It took her seven seasons to learn that shitty people do shitty things for shitty reasons. But she learned it finally, thanks to Littlefinger himself.

At this point, Littlefinger has totally pooped his pants He’s on his knees begging for mercy. He’s crying. He’s got snot in his nose. It’s pathetic, and AWESOME to see. Even more awesome is when Arya slits his throat, causing him to choke on his own blood and bleed to death, while Sansa looks stoically on.

Bye-bye Bae!

Hey Littlefinger, it could have been worse. You could have died on a toilet or had your face turn the color of grape Powerade . . .

After the murder of Littlefinger, Arya and Sansa become besties again. Arya admits that Sansa is brave and strong for surviving the rape and mistreatment of a sizable portion of the male characters on the show, and somehow managing to become an excellent leader of her people, in spite of it all. Sansa admits that Arya is weird and kind of scary, but also tough and super cool. All of these things are true, by the way.

Now, if they could just track down Arya’s direwolf and bring her back into the fold, everything would be perfect.

Speaking of direwolves, anyone seen Ghost lately? Has he ghosted us? Was it something I typed?

Theon Greyjoy Finally Gets His Balls Back . . . Sort of.

A fairly cordial exchange between Jon and Theon occurs in this episode. During it, the former forgives the latter for being a total douchebag for pretty much three quarters of the series. Also, the two agree that Theon can be loyal to both of the families that raised him. He doesn’t have to choose! He can have his Greyjoy and eat his Stark too (which I guess makes him a Greystark . . .or Starkjoy?).

Inspired by this new bonhomie with the Almost-Annoyingly-Angelic Jon Snow (Game of Thrones’ clear frontrunner for Mr. Congeniality) Theon decides to commandeer what’s left of the Greyjoy army for a mission to rescue his sister Yara from the clutches of his Sassy Uncle.

One of these random, no-name, Ironborn thinks this is a bad idea, and, therefore, proceeds to beat the crap out of Theon. But then No-Name Ironborn makes the mistake of repeatedly kneeing Theon in the crotch. While this would be excruciatingly painful for most men, for Theon it feels just like a light playful tickle. In fact, Theon is so energized by this light tickle that he regains his wind during the crotch kicking totally takes down No-Name Ironborn. This impresses the rest of the extras in this scene so much that they immediately agree to help Theon save Yara.

Help is on the way!

So, I guess that the moral of this story is that Bronn is right. Cocks and balls make the world go round . . . or, at least, the world of Westeros.

Speaking of male sex parts . . .

All in the Family

Back on the boat en route to Winterfell, Jon visits Dany’s room and the two instantly proceed to make sweet, sweet love to one another, while Tyrion creepily listens at the door to their sex sounds, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear.

Sounds like doggy style . . . wolfy style?

Perhaps, the dwarf was just about to knock on the door to remind the pair to wrap up their sexy times quickly. Slow and steady will not win this sex race, Jon. After all, if prior travels on this season are any indication, the boat should reach Winterfell in about 2.8 minutes. Nonetheless these will undoubtedly be the best 2.8 minutes of the Mother of Dragons’ life . . .

While, Dany and Jon are going at it, we cut to a scene between BranBot3000 and Sam Tarly, where the two piece together what most of us fans have known for a while now: namely, that Dany is actually Jon’s aunt (thereby making their sex incestual, but not quite as incestual as Cersei’s and Jaime’s, so . . . um . . . hooray for less-bad incest?).

To summarize: Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark were lovers back in the day, who legitimized their soon-to-be born lovechild through a secret marriage, and ultimately named that child Aegon Targaryen (They chose this name, despite the fact that Rhaegar already had another child named Aegon Targaryen with another woman, because giving your babies original names is super overrated?)

The second Aegon Targaryen was ultimately taken to Winterfell and cared for by Ned Stark, who raised the child as his bastard, in order to keep the child’s identity as true heir to the Iron Throne a secret from those who would want him dead. This mysterious child ultimately grew up to be . . .you guessed it . . . Jon Snow . . . the same hot guy whose bare ass we are currently ogling, as it bounces up and down on top of the Mother of Dragons for another 2 minutes and 36 seconds.

This also means that Robert’s Rebellion, which purportedly occurred because a Targaryen kidnapped and raped a Stark . . . the same fight that set this entire series into motion . . . was based on a lie.

In short, all this fighting for the uncomfortable chair has officially become pointless. Jon Snow . . . er . . . I mean . . . the second Aegon Targaryen . . . should be sitting on the Iron Throne right now (well, after he finishes having sex with his aunt, of course). Party’s over. Everyone else should go home.

Wake me up when I’m King of the World.

Can you imagine if this misunderstanding didn’t happen, and Robert’s Rebellion never occurred? There’d be no Game of Thrones! None at all! It would just be the Some Hot Guy with a Weird Name Sitting on an Uncomfortable Chair Show.

What the heck would I do with my Sunday nights? I’d have to take up knitting or something . . .

The Night King Begins His Renovation Project

Meanwhile, back at The Wall, Tormund is having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (and his lady love Brienne isn’t there to cheer him up about it either). It all starts when an entire army of zombies set up camp on his lawn. (They are totally going to eat all his groceries, and make a big mess in his bathroom. You just know it.)

Then, to add insult to injury the Night King drops by unannounced on Viseri-Zombie, and burns down the ENTIRE WALL. As in . . . it’s gone . . . and the Season 8 opening credits for this show will now probably have to include Zombie-Infested Pile of Rubble as one of its locations on the 3-D Westeros map. (On a kind of related note: can the Night King talk? I’m just wondering how he was able to issue the Dracarys, fire-breathing command to Viseri-Zombie. Perhaps zombies get a sign language handbook in there Undead Army Orientation Package?)

Tormund ends the season, just running for his life like a bat out of hell, as the zombie army advances on Westeros completely unopposed. (I wonder if his home insurance policy covers zombie invasions and ice dragon destruction? If not, I’m thinking the inevitable replacement Wall he builds should probably be flame retardant, just a suggestion . . .)

Tormund . . . in much happier times.

Cheer up, Tormund. Help is on a boat engaging in mad passionate sex, just 2 minutes, 18 seconds and an entire season hiatus away? Surely, nothing else bad will happen to you between now and then . . .

Once Upon a Time’s Recent Reconstructive Surgery Will Render It Nearly Unrecognizable In Season 7, But It’s Far From the First Show to Go Under the Knife

(soon to be cross-posted at Agony Booth.com)

After her memorable portrayal of the earnest and refreshingly relatable Baby Houseman in the original Dirty Dancing (not to be confused with the atrocious remake that will appear on ABC this week), actress Jennifer Grey seemed destined for a long and glorious Hollywood career. And then she went and got a nose job.

Though her talent agents undoubtedly praised her new appearance as being more in line with the American Beauty Standards of the day, Grey and her new nose no longer resembled the strong-willed teen that nobody was allowed to “put in a corner.” The surgery nearly ended her career. And though the actress does occasionally appear on TV and film (most recently as the real estate agent mother of the main character in the Amazon series Red Oaks), one can’t help but wonder what might have been had she refused Hollywood pressure to go under the knife.

Television series are a bit like Jennifer Grey’s face, I think. Over time, they are naturally going to age, and evolve as seasons pass. But if they change too much, or too quickly, from what made fans like them in the first place, those changes will undoubtedly result in the series’ demise.

This past week, in a two-hour season finale that I wasn’t able to timely recap because I was overseas, Once Upon a Time closed the storybook on its sixth season. It was an episode that could have functioned as a series finale, had the show not been picked up for a seventh season. Emma Swan, the series’ main protagonist, fulfilled the Prophecy of Saviors by sacrificing her own life to protect goodness against evil, only to have her life restored at the last minute by the ever-abused Plot Band-Aid that is “True Love’s Kiss.” Rumple, the series’ on again, off again (but mostly on again) peripheral baddie, took grand steps toward redemption by killing his own mother, the Black Fairy, who also so happened to be the Big Bad of the Season. In doing so, Rumple (1) broke the curse that his Mommy placed on the town, (2) reunited with the love of his life, the much put-upon and criminally underutilized character, Belle, and (3) got a second chance to raise his son Gideon, who was conveniently reverted from troubled 28-year old man with a perma-scowl to baby boy following the final battle.

The show even went as far as to add a series-ending-esque musical montage epilogue to the finale, which depicted each of the main characters experiencing their so-called happy ending, by returning to their respective loved ones and resuming “business as usual” in the much-abused town of Storybrooke.

Had Once Upon a Time ended with its sixth season, it would have been a respectable run for the series, by any stretch of the imagination. At 133 episodes (22 to 23 per season, which is almost unheard of in this current culture of “sexy” 9-to-10 episode truncated season runs), Once boasts 12 more episodes than the uber successful and generally beloved (except for maybe it’s series finale) Lost, another ABC series that coincidentally featured the same writing team as Once.

The series is also well over the “age limit” generally required for syndication (four seasons). This means that, after Once ends, it’s pretty much guaranteed a second life in reruns and re-airings, both in the U.S. and overseas.

Up until a few weeks ago, at least, a sixth season run seemed precisely where Once Upon a Time was headed. This seemed particularly true, in the wake of news that nearly three-quarters of the original cast (most notably, Jennifer Morrison who plays main protagonist Emma, and series stars Josh Dallas and Ginnifer Goodwin, who play Prince Charming and Snow White, respectively) would not be returning to the show for future seasons. In addition to a truncated cast, the show was also struggling HARD in the ratings department. Having garnered a respectable average of around 11 million viewers per episode in its first season, by its sixth, the show was averaging less than 3 million. To add insult to injury, ABC had recently announced plans to move the series from its six-year home on Sunday nights to the dreaded Friday night death slot.

That’s right, Emma. Drink away the pain!

And yet, despite all this, the Once Upon a Time was renewed, and its showrunners decided to continue the saga for an unlikely seventh season. With virtually none of its original cast returning, the showrunners decided to pitch the season as a reboot of sorts. The plot would now focus on Emma’s son, Henry Mills (now grown, and played, understandably, by an older, and much more attractive, actor) and his scrappy daughter.

Puberty has been REALLY kind to you, Henry!

Cast veterans Lana Parilla (who plays the Evil Queen), Collin O’Donohue (who plays Captain Hook), and Robert Carlyle (who plays Rumplestiltskin) would reportedly continue on with the series, though their role in this restructured show, at least, at this point, is uncertain.

It wouldn’t be the first time that a long running show was forced to shift gears in later seasons, as a result of cast member departures and/or flagging ratings. Medical drama ER (which lasted on air for a whopping 15 seasons), and its contemporary Hot Doc Show, Grey’s Anatomy (still going strong after an impressive 13 seasons) have both made a point of casually introducing new cast members each season by cycling through classes of medical interns. This is a clever way for a show to test out the likability of new cast members on a smaller scale, and, if they pass the ratings test, gradually increasing their roles on the series, so that they can eventually take the place of primary cast members, should they eventually decide to depart from the series. To date, only four of the original Grey’s Anatomy cast members still remain on the show.

Perhaps, no series has been more successful at cycling through cast members than the Canadian high school drama, Degrassi, which has been on air in some form since as early as 1982! Using a similar model to Greys and ER, Degrassi is known for introducing a new class of freshman students each year, and gradually shifting focus toward those students, as older characters graduate from high school, and the cast members who play them depart the show. In fact, Degrassi has been shuffling cast members for so long that some of its original cast members now play the middle-aged parents of characters who recently graduated from college, and subsequently were married to one another. And you know what that means . . . Degrassi Grandparents aren’t out of the realm of possibility in seasons to come.

Other series have been forced to make abrupt changes in their main cast lists, as a result of the sudden departures of series’ protagonists. Pitched as a family drama revolving around a father raising teenage daughters, and based on a book with the same name, 8 Simple Rules, had to switch some pretty serious gears after its first season, following the untimely death of John Ritter, who played the show’s patriarch. David Spade and James Garner were brought on for the show’s final two seasons as family members’ of the main characters.

Spin City a sitcom about the goings on in NYC local government lost its star Michael J. Fox after four seasons, as a result of the increased severity of his Parkinson’s disease. Fox was replaced by Charlie Sheen, who played a different character, naturally, for the series’ final two seasons.

Sheen went on to star alongside John Cryer on Two and a Half Men, which lasted for 12 seasons on air. Coincidentally, this time, it was Sheen’s turn to depart a successful series, as a result of his own misbehavior and issues with substance abuse, around season 8. Sheen was replaced by Ashton Kutcher, as a series co-lead. The latter’s tenure on the show lasted for four seasons, and ended only when the series was cancelled in 2015.

The aforementioned series are all shining examples of moderately to majorly successful cast member replacements. And it was these examples the showrunners’ of Once Upon a Time undoubtedly cited in the writers’ room, when they were pitching the idea of continuing their series without most of the original cast.

However, unlike all of these shows, Once has not had the opportunity to gradually introduce or test out its new leading cast members, Andrew J. West of The Walking Dead and Alison Fernandez of Jane the Virgin. (Though both characters were featured in the series finale, they had a combined screen time of less than five minutes.) And while three of the original cast members still plan to continue on with the series, in order to provide some consistency and appease loyal fans, the veterans’ chemistry with the new additions to the cast still remains a question mark, as the two new additions to the cast appeared in scenes only with one another during the finale.

Regina: “Who is the new hot guy with the little girl?” Emma: “I think that’s supposed to be our son and his kid.” Regina: “So, basically, in the last five seconds, I just learned I’m a grandparent at 40. I also inadvertently expressed attraction to my own child. So much to talk about in my next therapy session with Jiminey Cricket.”

Nonetheless, the showrunners of Once remain cautiously optimistic about the new direction in which the show is headed in its seventh season. “It’s like a new book. So, we’re starting with new stories. Although it’s going to have some of the people that we’ve loved for six years at the center of it, we are going to meet new people and new worlds,” Executive producer Adam Horowitz explained in a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly.

New people. New worlds. New time slot. New cast members. In fact, the series name will be just about the only thing Once Upon a Time will retain this fall from its first six seasons. But new and different doesn’t always mean better, as Jennifer Grey’s nose will most certainly confirm. And so Once Upon a Time has headed to hiatus, leaving fans with the greatest cliffhanger of all. Will this series will be able to survive its forced reconstructive surgery, and obtain it’s long awaited Happily Ever After in Syndication Land? Only time will tell . . .

Game of Groans – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale “Status Asthmaticus”

After watching 5 seasons of a show, the characters in it become sort of like your friends.

You know them pretty well.

You care about them . . . most of them, anyway.

You want to see them succeed . . . again . . . most of them.

You want to shake them by their little scrawny shoulders, when they do things that are just so friggin stupid, and counterproductive to their leading long, healthy, successful lives, that you can’t fathom how they’ve survived this long in the world, without accidentally running headfirst into moving traffic, while wearing a red Superman cape, and/or drowning in a 3-foot deep kiddie pool.

While you were watching Teen Wolf this week, you may have heard some strange sound effects in the background that you couldn’t quite place. That was me . . . groaning, grumbling, and vigorously shaking my head, at these teenagers, who, just seasons earlier, continuously stuck together, while each and every one of them took a turn at being temporarily evil, but now, for no conceivable reason, have decided to alienate, lie to, and occasionally try to murder one another, all because some good looking guy suggested it would be a good idea.

In short, the Beacon Hills Scooby Gang has somehow become the kids in the slasher film, who you are supposed to be rooting for, but who make it kind of hard for you to do so, when they are constantly, walking alone into the scary basement with no lights and only one exit, when they should instead be running to the car outside, and booking it the hell away from the Cabin Where All Those People Got Murdered Last Summer.

https://youtu.be/olEbwhWDYwM

Let’s review, shall we?

[A big ole thank you to my pal Andre, who convinced me that it was worth it to recap this series this summer, if only so it would give me an opportunity to enjoy his awesome screencaps of it.]

“Suck on My Girlfriend, Please?”

When you are in werewolf “family,” you are guaranteed to experience some really awkward life moments. . . like when you have to beg your father figure to give the new love of your life a hickey, that will make her really hormonal and hairy, so that she won’t die a horribly painful death.

So, THIS exchange happened on the show:

Liam: “Suck on my girlfriend now! Chew on her really good!”

Scott: “Honestly, I just had dinner, and I’m not really hungry right now? Also, she’s really sweaty. I feel like eating her will make me break out. Thirdly, if I chew on her she may get rabies and die . . . but, like, in a different way than she’s dying right now . . . a wolfy way.”

Liam: “All that stuff didn’t seem to bother you when you were sucking on my arm last season, like it was a chocolate Tootsie Pop!”

Scott: “That was different. You were about to become a main character on the show. And you weren’t as gross and sweaty as she is now. You have really great skin, you know that? Like baby soft, and no pores, whatsoever. You were an absolute pleasure to suck. Your girlfriend will taste like ass.”

Liam: ????

Scott: “Also, you were hanging from a building and definitely going to die. Your girlfriend only has a 99.99% chance of dying.”

Liam: ????!!

Scott: “Look, I don’t want to get to first base with your girlfriend’s gross neck, OK? End of discussion. Now, if you’d excuse me, I have to go further emasculate myself, by sucking on this fake inhaler.”

Then, the crew take Dying Hayden to MIA Vet, Deaton’s office, so Melissa McCall, who is neither a doctor, nor a veterinarian, can fail miserably at saving her life. Hayden, who knows she’s a goner, having placed her life in the hands of a bunch of bozos, repeatedly makes the dying request to see her sister before she inevitably croaks. It’s a request that everyone in the room blatantly ignores, because they are total assholes.

At one point, they actually send Scott out to pretend to go fetch the sister, but he goes to visit with his friend Lydia instead. And, of course, no one thinks of calling this woman on her cell phone, or trying to contact her at the police station WHERE SHE WORKS, because she is not a main character, and, therefore, unimportant.

Meanwhile, inside Stiles’ Jeep Roscoe. . .

Bummer Man

Remember back in Seasons 1 and 2 when Stiles was fun? He was the comic relief of the show! The one who wore adorable tee shirts with cute sayings on them, or pictures of muffins . . . the one who had a quippy comeback for every line uttered on the show . . . the one who somehow managed to find a silver lining inside the death trap that he and his friends found themselves in every season?

Don’t get me wrong, Werebangers. Dylan O’Brien is still the best. He acts rings around pretty much everybody on the show, no matter what material he is given. He even pulled off being the best villain the series has ever seen. And he’s tugged at my heartstrings more times than I can count.

But man, has this character been a Charlie Brown with a rain cloud on top of his head all season!

Somebody get this guy on Wellbutrin! Also, get him to a mechanic whose willing to fix his jeep for free. I mean the thing was literally flipped over and set on fire, and Stiles is still driving the thing. You would think his cop dad, might have a problem with that, seeing as there is absolutely no way Roscoe passes inspection, which means his son is violating about a million traffic laws, every time he gets behind the wheel.

Anyway, Stiles in understandably bummed that his friend Scott is acting like such a turd, and, you know, because, he killed that Douchebag with the weird teeth. So, he throws a wrench at the window of poor, broke down Roscoe the Jeep, which is a total example of Kick The Dog Syndrome.

“I don’t like it when you hit me with tools, Stiles.

“When Malia picks him up (because, apparently, she’s a really great driver now), Stiles is being unusually uncommunicative, so Malia, being the good girlfriend that she is, attempts to break the ice, by telling Stiles it’s totally cool that he’s a murderer and stuff. “You killed some people, as Void Stiles. And killed Weird Teeth guy, as yourself,” Malia explains. “I thought I killed my adopted family. And now I actually want to kill my mom. We are a Killer Couple . . . like Bonnie and Clyde . . . if Bonnie was a werecoyote.”

“Um, can we talk about this after I witness my father having yet another brush with death that could have been prevented, if Scott didn’t suck so badly at being a hero?” Stiles asks hopefully.

“Sure, no problem,” replies Malia. “I’m just going to go hang out in the hidey hole where I lived and pooped for eight years, fondle a baby doll, and ogle unnecessarily naked Evil Theo, who, P.S. is part coyote, and is trying to steal me away from you, so you can go be with Lydia.”

“Try not to look at the naked man in the hallway, baby. You are too young to see such things. Me, on the other hand . . .”

“Sounds great. Bye soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend!” Stiles calls out over his shoulder, as he heads to the police station.

At the police station, Stiles finds out his father is out of the office. He’s actually at the school . . . with Hayden’s sister, and a large, as of yet unseen chimera, who must really hate Beacon Hills High, and, of course, those pesky not-very-good-at-speaking English Dredd Doctors . . .

Ruh-roh!

Also at the police station with Stiles, but not his dad . . .

Naked Garbage Man Finally Gets a Clue . . . Actually Lydia Gets it For Him . . . Because Thinking Makes His Brain Hurt

With bars between them, so they can no longer beat the crap out of one another as a form of foreplay, Lydia and Parrish are relegated to pretending their fingers are sex organs, and poking at one another through the bars.

“Is life easier for you, now that you know you are a banshee, and can finally stop waking up dirty and naked in the woods?” Parrish inquires conversationally.

“Not really,” Lydia replies. “I mean, it would be if Jeff Davis could get a handle on what banshees actually do, but my powers and skills tend to change week to week, so I never really know what I am until I read the script.”

“Hey, I wake up dirty and naked in the woods sometimes, and seem to really have a thing for manhandling corpses,” Parrish muses. “Does that mean I’m a male banshee? It would explain why we are hot for one another, despite our obvious age difference, and the fact that I am a mental midget compared to you, so we couldn’t possibly ever have any interesting conversations with one another, that go beyond a third-grade reading level?”

“Nah. We are only attracted to one another, because we are both attractive people. And teen shows demand that all attractive people must eventually pork one another,” Lydia explains. “Also you aren’t a banshee, you’re a hellhound.”

“I thought I was a phoenix. Wouldn’t that make a lot more sense, given the hints that were thrown out about me last season?” Parrish wonders.

“It would. But then all the fans immediately pegged you as a phoenix. And that pissed Jeff Davis off. So, he decided to throw a curve ball and make you something else that he randomly found on Wikipedia,” Lydia responds.

“OK. But what exactly makes me a hellhound, as opposed to something else . . . like a phoenix?” Parrish presses.

“I don’t know. Let me go to the school library, and put myself in harms way to find out, even though I could probably just Google Hellhound on my smart phone and get the limited information we need to satisfy this plot point,” Lydia answers as she walks out of the police station, completely ignoring Stiles, who is there too.

“I’m going to break out of here, steal some more bodies, and maybe accidentally kill some people, if you aren’t here to babysit me,” Parrish calls out after Lydia, by way of warning.

“I know and don’t care,” Lydia responds, as she closes the door behind her.

Moments later, Parrish breaks out of his jail cell, all red-eyed and dangerous looking. Stiles, who is a kid, and not a cop, tells all the cops around him not to shoot at the clearly violent Parrish. So, they don’t, and, instead just let Parrish go out into the world and potentially hurt some innocents, without going after him in their cop cars, or calling for backup.

Law enforcement in Beacon Hills is the best!

News Flash: Beacon Hills Officially Has a Vampire

It was only a matter of time folks . . . just a matter of time.

Also, Braeden’s back, and fully confused by what happened to this show during the half-season she’s been away having 24-7 sex with Derek Hale.

“So, the guys in the black suits that talk funny? They are the Oni, right?” Braeden asks Malia, with whom she has never before exchanged words, but who suddenly seems like her best pal.”

“No, that was season 3. These are the Dredd Doctors,” Malia explains.

“But they kind of look and act like the Oni,” Braeden muses.

“I know, right?” Malia replies.

“And Parrish . . . he’s a phoenix?” Braeden continues.

“Hellhound,” Malia corrects.

“What the heck is a hellhound?” Braeden asks.

Malia shrugs.

“What about the douchey good looking evil guy that hits on everyone in the cast, male and female? That’s Jackson?” Braeden asks.

“Nope,” Malia replies.

“Aiden then . . . or Ethan? I always get those two confused.”

“His name is Theo,” Malia answers.

“But he kind of looks and acts like Jackson, Aiden and Ethan . . .”

“I know right?” Malia replies again. “Anyway, enough about them. Come help me kill my mother, before she kills me.”

“I thought you’d never ask!” Braeden responds.

I know Malia and Braeden are both supposed to be straight and spoken for, but, honestly, wouldn’t these two be like the best lesbian couple ever?

More Violence Against Women (and Stiles) Ensues . . .

Theo finds Lydia in the library, and punches her in the face, knocking her unconscious, because he’s afraid she will clue in the Scooby Gang to the fact that she “senses death.”

But clearly, he just punched her in the face for the fun of it, because, obviously she senses death, because like 50 teenagers died this season! So, why would that implicate Theo at all?

Theo’s basically been walking around this entire season, twirling his villain mustache, sporting his “I am Evil tee shirt,” everyday, murdering puppies, and eating babies everywhere he goes, in plain sight.  And yet, still, no one, but Stiles, ever suspected him of wrong doing . . . . probably because the entire Scooby gang has apparently spent the summer drinking Moron Juice, which prevents them from engaging in logical reasoning of any sort. So, why punch a girl in the face now, and ruin all this undeserved trust you’ve built up all season, right when your Evil Plan is finally starting to come to fruition? Because it’s the season finale, obviously . . .

Scott takes the bait to come find Lydia, when he should be off collecting Hayden’s sister and taking her to Hayden’s death bed. This was yet another super dumb move on Scott’s part. So, of course, evil Theo has to lock him in the library using mountain ash, and reveal himself as a villain to SCOTT TOO!

“P.S. Your inhaler is fake and filled with wolfsbane,” Theo explains helpfully. “P.P.S. I’m a chimera, who is going to steal your pack from you, even though I’ve been going around punching them all in the face, which would indicate that I have poor leadership skills. P.P.P.S. Liam is going to kill you and take your Alpha powers to save Hayden, and then I’m going to kill him and take those Alpha Powers from him. Now, I’d love to stay and chat, but I gotta go punch Stiles in the face, and hope that it will turn him on enough that he will have sex with me. P.P.P.P.S. I’m secretly in love with Stiles. See ya!”

Theo finds Stiles outside, and the two roll around on the ground for a little bit. It’s sexy in a Fight Club sort of way. At least Stiles is fighting back, so it doesn’t give off that domestic abuse sort of vibe we got when Theo was beating the crap out of Lydia. Then, Theo admits to Stiles that both Scott and his father should be dying by the end of the episode, and Stiles can only save one of them.

Stiles chooses his dad, because his dad is awesome, and, at least lately, Scott, is the worst.

It’s the first good choice anyone has made all season . . .

So Many Zombies, So Little Time . . .

Liam has now arrived at the library, and he’s doing a pretty good job of beating to death Scott, the supposed “True Alpha.”

We are told that Liam is doing this because the Super Moon is making his Irritable Bowel Syndrome Act up, so he’s gassy, and really grumpy about it.

Did I say Liam had IBS? I meant IED. I always get those two confused . . .

Liam is so busy beating up Scott to save Hayden, that he totally misses Hayden’s ACTUAL DYING. (Also, no one ever answered Hayden’s dying request to see her sister at her death bed, so that sucks. Mason just barely stops Liam from killing Scott by informing him that Hayden, is in fact, already dead, which sort of defeats the purpose.

Then, Theo pops by, and is really pissed at Mason for stopping Liam from killing Scott, so he . . . wait for it . . . punches Mason in the face, just so the new pack member won’t feel left out, since he’s already done it to everyone else.

You would think now that Theo is totally screwed, right? Because he’s alienated his would-be pack by beating them all up. Plus, he can’t take Scott’s True Alphaness from him directly, as he’s a chimera, who wasn’t bitten by Scott, and Liam didn’t do it for him.

That would be logical. But this is Teen Wolf, where logic left the building two seasons ago. So, Theo kills Scott . . . for a few minutes at least.

And then, he suddenly has the Alpha powers he needs, to do that neck fondling thing to Lydia, where he finds out where the Nemeton is located . . . because, again, big ole trees covered in dead bodies are near impossible to find otherwise.

This inexplicably renders Lydia catatonic, even though it hasn’t had that effect on anyone else who has been neck fondled on the show . . .

Then, Theo takes the heroin mixed in cocaine and dirty water that the Dredd Doctors were using on themselves, and injects it into Hayden, Corey, Tracey, and that kid he killed on the roof a few episodes back, who liked eating electric wires. This act has the surprise effect of bringing them all instantly back to life, as mindless sycophants, who follow him, just because he’s good looking, even though he ACTUALLY MURDERED ONE OF THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE . . in other words, they act just like our Scooby Gang acted all season, only they have a slightly better excuse for doing so, because . . . ZOMBIES.

“Come with me if you want to live . . . my new pack, who are my second choice, because I punched everyone in my first pack in the face, and they no longer want to play with me,” Theo explains in his best Arnold Schwartzenager from The Terminator voice.

Elsewhere, the Dredd Doctors finally reveal their true plan . . . and it involves . . . wall renovation, and really ugly artwork?

See ya next season, Werebangers!

And They All Lived Crappily Ever After – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 7 and 8

It seems like only yesterday (because it more or less was) that we first met Galavant (a singing, pungent-smelling, chicken-loving hero, who looked his absolute best when naked and wet and/or wearing hoodies).

Since then, we’ve ventured with him on a four-week journey to win back the heart of the b*tch he inexplicably loved, and rescue an obscure, sparsely populated kingdom from the clutches of an “Evil” King who was supposed to be The Worst but was actually The Best.

And now here we are at the stunning conclusion of a show that will very likely not be renewed, given its fairly abysmal ratings and the fact that ABC had the genius idea to air its second episode opposite the Golden Globes . . .

But hey, at least we’re guaranteed to get a happy ending right?

OK . . . well, not like a totally happy ending (they need to save some conflict for the rare chance we actually get a Season 2), but some things will surely work out for the best, won’t they?

Like the mutually attractive Galavant and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names will get to begin their courtship in earnest ?

Orrrr . . . Gareth and King Evil Dick will belatedly admit their love for one another and rule their glorious kingdom side by side?

Umm . . . the odious Madalena will finally get what is coming to her?

Galavant will get to have his long-awaited Hero Moment?

Everybody will get to eat more chicken?

Well . . . one out of five ain’t bad! Let’s review shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

It’s Always Dawn-est Before the Dark – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Heroes and Villains”

Welcome to the mid-season finale of Once Upon a Time, a.k.a. The Episode Where We Learn How Everything That Was Fixed in the Last Episode Will Turn to Crap Just in Time for Part B of the Season. It was an episode jam packed with ooey gooey goodness, and a heaping helping of angst thrown in for good measure. Let’s see, we got a wedding . . .

. . . well . . . part of a wedding . . .

. . . we got to see a bride look in the mirror before her wedding . . .

Two lovers rekindled their romance . . .

. . . and then . . . un-kindled it.

Rumpel had a very good day . . .

. . . followed by a very bad one . . .

. . . followed by a trip to the aquarium?

Lots of people made out with one another.

And three very fabulous Drag Queens of Darkness finally found their King.

Let’s review, shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

Presto Chango – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale “Smoke and Mirrors”

Game of Bones . . .

Have you ever seen a children’s magic show? By design, a children’s magic show has to be different from its adult counterpart. You see, children generally don’t have the patience for the pomp and circumstance of adult magic shows . . . the “mood music,” the attractive scantily clad assistant, the table that spins in the center of the stage for no apparent reason than to make the audience dizzy.

Because of this, children’s magic shows tend to consist of a variation of the same magic trick, over and over again. “Presto chango.” This hat is empty.

“Presto chango.” Now there is a rabbit in it.

“Presto chango.” We poured milk into a rolled up newspaper.

“Presto chango.” Now it’s dry.

“Presto chango.” This is a blank coloring book.

“Presto chango.” Now it’s filled with the colors the audience shouted at the magician, a moment earlier.

Season 4 of Teen Wolf, in general, and the aptly titled “Smoke and Mirrors” finale, specifically, felt a bit like watching a children’s magic show . . .

“Presto chango.” There’s a deadpool.

“Presto chango.” Just kidding!

“Presto chango.” Derek’s a man werewolf. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s a kid werewolf. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s dying. “Presto chango.” Now, he’s not dying, and is an actual wolf.

“Woof.”

“Presto chango.” Scott’s a berserker. “Presto chango.” He’s better now.

“Presto chango.” Liam’s petrified of berserkers , and doesn’t want to be a member of the pack. “Presto chango.” “I’ll die for you, Scott McCall!”

Back in my early season recaps of Teen Wolf, one of the aspects of the show I always complimented was the way in which its writers never felt they had to underestimate their fans intelligence, by spoon-feeding them information they could figure out on their own. But there’s a difference between providing the audience with only some of the pertinent information, and providing them with none. When you do the former, you are treating your fan like she’s smart. When you do the latter, you are treating your fan like she’s . . .well, a child.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who faithfully recapped this entire season of Teen Wolf, without grumble or complaint, and even indulged my Deputy Parrish fantasies and thinly veiled requests for pictures of him naked, without judgment or mocking.]

Scott McCall and the Temple of Relationship Doom

Not to be a Debbie Downer (I promise I’ll try to make the rest of this recap more upbeat.), but I was so incredibly disturbed by the scene where Berserker Scott beat the crap out of Kira that I think it may have colored my perception of the rest of the episode. My main issue with the scene is that I have this sneaking suspicion that Scott’s actions will have no repercussions in his relationship with Kira, next season. “He didn’t mean it,” she’ll say. “He wasn’t himself at the time.”

“This is all starting to feel very Afterschool Special.”

In this particular instance, it may be true. But how many times have you heard an abusive boyfriend or husband use the same excuse? “I wasn’t myself . . . I was angry . . . I was drunk . . . I haven’t been sleeping.”

“I was wearing a funny hat.”

Even Stiles, who actually wasn’t himself, back in Season 3, when he was possessed by the Nogitsune, was willing to take some responsibility for the havoc “his body” wreaked on the town. “I was there. I saw everything. And a part of me enjoyed it,” Stiles admitted to Malia earlier this season.

If the writers were to have Scott make a similar confession to Kira, could they allow Kira to willingly continue the relationship, without sending a terrible message to fans everywhere?

Ummmm . . . .

Anywhoo, back in the Temple of Relationship doom, Kate is Villain Monologuing about how this cave has magically imbued her with the power to create Berserkers, and make them 100% loyal to her, because . . . um . . . bears really like jaguars, I guess.

“Are they still considered six-pack abs, if you have to wear them as a t-shirt?”

She tells her pet Scott to stab Kira in the chest, and he does.

“Good Bear / Dog. You get a cookie . . . or should I say, another bone.”

Has the Mexico Department of Tourism Gotten Wind of This?

In the season premiere, the Scooby crew all took a nice little road trip to Mexico to save Derek from Kate’s clutches . . . and also to tussle with a Mexican crime syndicate. Now, in the finale, they are heading back to Mexico to “save” Scott and Kira . . .

Apparently, if you are looking for a place where your adult friend can get turned into a teen, and your teen friend can get turned into a mindless bear zombie, Mexico is the Vacation Destination for you!

“Cancun, baby!”

Did I mention they have Chimichangas?

Papa Stilinski is totally not cool with Stiles and his friends heading off to certain death in Mexico. “I get it. You need a vacation. But why not somewhere like Daytona Beach, Bermuda, New Orleans, Vegas . . . a Giant Maze where bug-like creatures chase you around for sh*ts and giggles . . .”

“Nope, viva la Mexico,” replies Stiles. “Also, I’d very much like some guns, please.”

“What’s that you say, Stiles? You would like to take your trustee bat to the Murder Church? Yes, you can take your bat,” replies the Sheriff.

“I said GUNS . . . G-U . . .”

“All right, sonny boy, now you run along and play . . .”

Speaking of guns . . .

All Paws on Deck

For trained bounty hunter, Braeden, murder is like playing golf. You bring every gun you own, everywhere you go, and then carefully select the best one for the circumstance at hand . . . hopefully, before someone shoots you in the face.

“You’re going to need a really big backpack.”

. . . which, I guess, makes Derek her caddy.

For a hero, Derek seems surprisingly cool with his impending demise.

DEREK: “They’ve got that little guy, with the pretty boy face now. Clearly, I’m being phased out, sent off on the ice floe, like the Eskimos do to old people.”

BRAEDEN: “But if you’re dead, we can’t have sex in your poorly furnished apartment, while Lydia screams in our ear anymore.”

DEREK: “You’re over 18, (I hope. I mean, you are, aren’t you? Because, I never actually asked). Maybe they’ll send you on the ice floe too . . .”

BRAEDEN: “Hmmm . . . I’ve never had sex on a block of ice before . . .

Also packing for the trip are Stiles and Malia, the former of whom helpfully offers Malia a pair of his besties dirty underwear so that she can pick up his scent . . .

. . . which would be very helpful, if Scott was trapped under something heavy, and the only part of his body out in the open air was his crotch . . .

Malia rolls her eyes, and decides to sniff his pillow instead. Smart girl!

Last week, Liam was all, “No thank you,” to the opportunity to be a series regular on a show that involved him willingly walking into the jaws of death every week. “Please keep me in mind when there’s an opening on Dawson’s Creek,” he said.

“I have soulful eyes.  I can totally be broody like Dawson, or misunderstood and charming like Pacey.”

But then that other wolf guy gave him a pep talk, and he changed his mind . . .

(Also, he Googled Dawson’s Creek, and learned it’s been off the air for over 10 years.)

“I’d very much like it if you tied me up, and strapped me to the roof of your car, so that I can come along on this Super Fun Suicide Trip with you all,” Liam offers, shrugging off the second full moon of his werewolf existence like it no big deal . . .

“Hey, can I come too? I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to be good or evil in this episode Maybe I should go back into a coma, so Meredith can tell me what I’m really thinking,” chimes in Peter.

Now, THAT’S what I call a road trip. But wait . . . SOMEONE’S MISSING . . .

Not Without My Lydia . . .

“Kind of smells like Scott’s crotch . . .”

Back at school, Lydia is snorting one of Kira’s jackets, when this happens . . .

“Hey Lydia, I was hoping I could borrow your calculus notes.  You see, I have this big exam on Monday, but Kate’s had me out late every night eviscerating innocent flesh, and I just haven’t had the chance to sit down and study.“

RUH-ROH!

I get that it’s the weekend. But I love how no one noticed the GIANT BEAR BONE ZOMBIE THINGY wandering the halls in broad daylight . . .

Mason’s at the school too, because he’s human, and not friends with Scott, which means he still has to do boring things on this show like eat nasty cafeteria food, dissect frogs, and, in this particular instance, “attend Study Group.”

Also, because every cute red-headed high school teen needs a gay best friend . . .

Stiles tries to get the group to wait for Lydia.   But Peter seems to be in a very big rush to leave her behind, so he can save two teens he doesn’t like very much. Yeah, because THAT doesn’t seem suspicious at all . . .

So, the Scooby Gang leaves without Lydia, which is pretty much what they’ve been doing all season, probably because she’s not dating Stiles or Scott . . . also, maybe, because of the Screaming Thing, which is super unpleasant . . .

Mason eventually finds Lydia’s cell phone in the hallway . . .

“Cool screensaver, is that from an app?”

. . . and then, he finds Lydia, just not in the way he would have hoped.

“Bet you never thought you’d wind up back in the closet, huh?”

“That guy, in the hallway . . . the one who beat me up. He had a really great Halloween costume. But I’m not sure if he was supposed to be Shredder from the Ninja Turtles movies, or someone from Game of Thrones. Think I should ask him?” Mason inquires.

“Not human,” Lydia remarks ominously of their burly captor . . .

Humanity is overrated . . .

As the full moon rises, all of our Scoobies appear to be becoming a bit more feral.   En route to Scott, Peter is doing a pretty good job of convincing Malia that murder is totally OK, provided it’s for a good cause, like, for example, to help out the person you occasionally bone. “Also, losing control and becoming an animal is OK, if you want to kill the Bear-Looking thing, that may or may not be Scott, so I can become Alpha, because . . . wait for it.”

Meanwhile, in the other car, Derek is offering up a slowly wolfing out Liam, his very favorite cereal box toy, to help him control his animal urges.

“I think it was supposed to come with a matching decoder ring, but I accidentally threw it out with my box of Lucky Charms.”

When that doesn’t work, he teaches him the Latin Alphabet.

“Not impressed.”

When that doesn’t work . .. it’s all about the Buddhism, baby!  I’m thinking, The Sun, the Moon, The Truth would make for a great phrase to put on a Teen Wolf t-shirt, don’t you?

Meanwhile, back in temple, Kira is self-mutilating, because the spirit of her Mom told her it would make her feel better. And it works! She’s healed! (And the negative messages for kids, just keep on coming . . .)

“Thanks for making me a cutter, Mom.  You’re the best!”

Derek gets sent on the ice floe . . .

Our gang barely manages to park outside the church, when Derek gets his intestines sliced open by a Berserker. It’s the kind of wound you see humans in movies suffer, and you just know they are about to bite it. But Derek . . . well, I guess he’s sort of kind of human now.

The Scooby Gang makes sure to put on their best sad faces for all of two seconds, before leaving Derek to die, and rushing off to rescue their REAL Hero, Scott.

To Stiles’ credit, he looks sad for at least FOUR seconds . . .

Braeden stays with the dying Derek, though . . . possibly because now she has no caddy to hand her guns in battle . . .

But then Kate and the Berserkers arrive, and it’s every man (and woman) for themselves . . .

And the CAVALRY IS HERE! Hello Deputy Parrish, Crazy Mexican Crime Syndicate, Chris Argent . . . We missed you! Well . . . at least I very much missed one of you!

I love how there are thousands off bullets being shot off in every direction, and every single one of these “trained shots” is totally missing the Berserkers. I get that the bone armor is probably pretty effective in warding off bullets. But there are enough openings in the Berserker wardrobe that one would think even a novice marksman could get in a few lucky shots on. . .

THE STOMACH . . .

THE ARMS . . .

THE EYES . . .

Maybe not all of these shots are kill shots, but they would at least do a better job at disarming the Berserkers than, whatever the heck it is they are doing in this scene . . .

“Pretending this is the carnival game where you have to shoot water into a clowns mouth until the balloon on his head pops . . .”

Having slightly better luck against the Berserkers on the home front. . .

Bombs Ove Beacon Hills

I’m pretty sure my favorite part of the episode was the scene where Lydia and Mason, kamikaze themselves (and their baseball bats) at the Berserker. I mean, Mason even came up with his own battle cry, which sounded like ArRRAHHIIAHIHIHI! It was awesome.

Then, Sheriff Stilinski added to the comedy, by engaging the Berserker in a friendly game of catch . . . with IEDs of course. I very much enjoyed the Wil E. Coyote facial expression the Berserker had while he’s holding on to the bomb and knowing he’s about to go kablooey . . .

“Front toward enemy? I don’t get it. Why would you want to play catch with your enemy? Wait a second . . . Awwwww sh*******t.”

S.O.S. – Save Our Scott

Inside the temple it’s a Berserker versus Scooby showdown. Stiles finds a newly-healed Kira, who warns Stiles that (1) Scott is a Berserker; (2) Lydia was left behind on purpose, so that she couldn’t warn the others before they killed Scott.

“My boyfriend physically abused me, which caused me to voluntarily cut myself, which, if this was another show, would make you very concerned for my well being.  But this is Teen Wolf, so SAVE SCOTT!”

Meanwhile, everyone seems to be working pretty hard to murder our newly-turned Doesn’t Care Bear . . .

“STOP! It’s our fearless leader Scott, in that Shredder costume!” Stiles warns, just as “Scott” is attempting to strangle little lost Liam.

In that moment, Liam looks into the face of the thing he fears most and sees EYES . . .

“Hey, I’d know those bushy unplucked verging-on-unibrow eyebrows anywhere! That’s my surrogate daddy!”

Since mantras had worked so well on Liam, he decides to use one on Scott . . . the same one Scott used on him to help control his change, earlier in the season. “Scott, you are not a monster. You are a werewolf, just like me.”

And . . . presto chango . . . Scott has, once again accomplished the impossible, and broken the Berserker curse . . . now, if he could just wax those eyebrows . . .

Minutes after coming back to himself, Scott sees Peter and immediately figures out that HE has been behind Kate’s plans all along. (For a dumb-dumb, Scott can be pretty insightful, when its plot convenient.) And he’s PISSED! So, he runs toward Peter, and Peter runs toward him, and the two of them embrace one another in a snazzy dance move I like to call the “Flying Hug of Death.”

“Let’s dance.”

“Think happy thoughts .  . .  You can FLY. You can FLY.  You can FLLLLYYYY.”

Meanwhile, outside . . .

Blah, Blah, Blah, Stuff Happens, Blah, Blah, Blah . . . NAKED DEREK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, just when everything seems like it’s going to crap, Derek turns into an actual wolf, and attacks Kate with what at first seems like puppy licks, but is actually gnashing teeth . . .

“Tee hee, that tickles.  Wait.  Why are you biting off my tit?”

He doesn’t kill her though, because . . . she hosts Wolf Watch . . .

Then Kate’s own brother, Chris, shoots her with a yellow-tipped bullet. Kate looks super offended, but this also doesn’t kill her . . . because . . . Wolf Watch.

“My feelings = hurt.”

THEN DEREK APPEARS NAKED, AND I START DROOLING, AND MY MIND TURNS TO MUSH . . .

(I don’t think anything really important happened at that point anyway . . . except for maybe that whole, Derek kills a Berserker by smushing his face with his bare hands thing.)

Back in the Church . . .

FINISH HIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scott and Peter fighting was like something straight out of the Mortal Kombat video game. Five minutes of, punch, punch, punch, kick, fly, punch, throw, fly, punch . . .

And I started looking at my nails and thinking, my nail polish is really chipped. I should invest in a better top coat . . .

Then Scott, had Peter on the ground FINALLY. . . and I’m like the announcer from the Mortal Kombat video game. “FINISH HIM . . . FINISH HIM . . . FINISH HIM.”

But he doesn’t . . . lame.

Also, lame is how Chris totally has a chance to, if not kill, at least disarm, Kate. And he willingly lets her go, only so he can leave the show head off with the Mexican Crime Syndicate to find her again . . .

“Feeling alone and emasculated . . . wondering if I remembered to DVR My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, before I left the house.”

How it ends . . .

Stiles comes back home, and gets grounded . . . big time.

Malia decides her favorite food is pizza, after all . . .

Coach tells the boys that he’s seen things in Mexico that would knock off their genitals. (I smell a prequel!!!!)

Kira gets a tail . . . well . . . actually a piece of the glass she mutilated herself with, but . . . details.

*sigh* Memories . . .

Lydia gives Parrish a book that looks surprisingly skinny for a bestiary (abridged version, perhaps?), and tells him she’d like to try and help him figure out that he’s a phoenix what he is. (Meanwhile, Parrish patiently waits for Lydia, to leave, so that he can check his database to confirm that she’s had her 18th birthday, before he invites her over to his place for some . . . bestiarying.)

Peter ends up in Eichen House, and he has a roommate!

“I bet he snores and farts in his sleep too.”

(So maybe my guess about the X-Men Eichen House breakout is not so far off after all . . .)

Until next season, Werebangers!

 

Family Values – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Alpha Pact”

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Every single one of us has two families.  We have the family into which we were born . . . our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles . . . with whom we share a genetic code and a legacy.

And we have the family we choose . . . our friends and lovers . . . with whom we share common interests, a history, and bonds of loyalty.

To each of these families we owe certain obligations.  To the former — who have given us the gift of life, and enabled our existence — we owe a duty to fight for our survival at all costs, so that we can carry on the family name, and secure its place in history, no matter how small or insignificant that place might seem to outsiders.

To the latter, we owe our devotion and support.  We vow to stand by them in times of strife.  Carry them when they are weak.  Bolster them, when they are strong.  And we hope they do the same for us.

“The Alpha Pact” saw each of the members of our stalwart Scooby Gang struggling to simultaneously fulfill their obligations to each of their respective families, even though those obligations seemed to be in conflict with one another.

This week’s “family-friendly” installment of Teen Wolf is brought to you by the letter “S” for “suicide” (sort-of) . . .

“sacrifice”

“sucking face”

“Scott’s Dad” (Surprise!)

And, of course, “Stiles” . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to stellar screencapper Andre, who has never once tried to drown me while I was submerged in an ice bath, no matter how many times his sage veterinarian told him to do so . . .]

Rude Awakening

“My new alarm clock is very aggressive.”

We begin the episode with Stiles b*tch slapping the crap out of Derek, while straddling him in the middle of an otherwise abandoned elevator . .  . or as Sterek fans like to call it . . . “foreplay.”

“Doing this isn’t going to get me pregnant, is it?”

Derek wakes up just seconds before Stiles can punch him in the face . . .

 . . . which is weird, because punching people in the face is usually what you do when you want them to pass out, not wake up.  Of course, after Stiles breaks the news to Derek that his psycho girlfriend made off with his friends’ parents, Cora’s still dying, and Scott may have just decided to join Team Evil, the D-list Alpha wolf is probably wishing he had hit the snooze alarm a few more hundred times . . .

Cheer up, Der Bear!  It’s not so bad!  At least you got to get your arm fondled by Stiles in an enclosed space . . .

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Outside the hospital, the mere sight of Allison and Chris Argent, a.k.a. the folks whose aunt / sister he killed, back when he was the Big Bad Gorilla-Looking Thing, make this little Piggy, Peter Hale, cry “wee wee wee wee wee,” all the way back to Derek’s loft.

“Oh hey, look, it’s Allison and Chris Argent!  Yoo-hoo, Argents!  Come meet my new pal, Peter!”

“Peter? Maybe he had to pee . . .”

If the cast of Teen Wolf were ever sorted into Hogwarts houses, Peter would totally be  the Slytherin, to Scott’s, Allison’s, and Derek’s Gryffindor, Isaac’s Hufflepuff (He IS a really good “finder.”), and Stiles’ and Lydia’s Ravenclaw.  When he’s not pumped up on Epinephrine, posing as a teen in Lydia’s hallucinations, or dressed in a gorilla suit, Peter’s a total wussy.  And I love that about him.  It’s all very Draco Malfoy . . .

Sometimes bravery in the face of total and complete danger is akin to stupidity.  And  say what you will about Peter Hale.  But the dude is definitely not stupid . . . which is more than we can say for some other “braver” characters on this show .  . .

Speaking of Scott . . .

The Bad Dad

After waking up from his little Elevator Nap, Derek rushes to retrieve Dying Cora, so he can bring her back to his loft.  In doing so, he inadvertently abandons Stiles, who, in turn, gets to hang out in the hospital waiting room, looking broodier and sexier than we’ve seen him look in quite some time . . .

Misery looks good on you, Sweetie.

It’s there that the unofficial Alpha of Team Human runs into This Guy . . .

We find out This Guy’s true identity soon enough.  (Hint: See the title of this section.)  However, since, at this point in the story, who he is has yet to be revealed, I’m simply going to refer to him as . . . FBI Douche.

As an American viewer, I am comforted to know that if my hometown sprouted a serial killer every few months,  by the 23rd or 24th death in under a year, my government would finally care enough to send its very best douche to investigate.  That’s your proud tax dollars at work, Wolfbangers!

As with most federal law enforcement guys in film and television, FBI Douche seems like he has an axe to grind with our heroes, a personal vendetta that may or may not take precedence over the case that he’s trying to solve.  Case-in-point, when the Sheriff of a town with a Dead Cop Problem, mysteriously goes missing, FBI Douche’s first instinct is to badger the guy’s teenage son about his dad’s alcohol consumption habits.

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FBI Douche isn’t totally useless, however.  He does reveal a heretofore unrecognized talent of our current lady killer . . .

Apparently, in addition to having a Magic Coochie, being capable of performing (and un-performing) plastic surgery on her face just by turning head from side to side . . .

 . . . forcing people to chant in Druid against their will, and causing them to experience intense hallucinations, Jenny the Darach is also a master graffiti artist . . .

Who knew?

Speaking of females with odd talents, let’s talk about Cora Hale, or, as I like to call her, The Girl Who Spewed Too Much . . .

The Lone(ly) Wolf

“I hate puking up black goo all the time, but it sure makes for a rocking shade of lipstick.”

Derek’s chilling in the loft with his girl Cora.  I mean, sure, he’s pretty much just letting her die, and ignoring the fact that she needs obvious medical attention.  But hey, at least he changed her out of that unflattering hospital gown, and dressed her in sexy army fatigues.  Because, really, who wants to die while wearing blue plastic?

Unfortunately for Derek, his beta boo, Isaac, doesn’t agree with me about the importance of being “fashionably dead.”  He believes Derek should do penance for his brief (and ridiculous) communion with the Evil Magic Coochie .  . .

“This porn is AWESOME.”

 . . . and like . . . actually try and save people and stuff . . .

“You are way too hot to suck this bad as a half- human being.”

For me, the most interesting part of the scene is when Isaac asks Derek why he bothered to turn him, Boyd and Erika, in the first place, especially since, at least on the surface, he never seemed to have any interest at all in leading them, or even protecting them .  . .

It’s pretty gut wrenching when Isaac accuses Derek of turning  three innocent teens into supernatural monster killers, just because the latter wanted to have friends; and Derek doesn’t immediately disagree with his pack member’s assessment.

The accusation begins to sound even worse, when you consider the fact that, had Derek not turned Boyd and Erika into werewolves, last season, they’d probably both be alive today .  . .

When Isaac storms off to be with his new love interests, Allison and Scott  (Can you say, “threesome”?) . . .

Sassy Peter magically appears to comfort his nephew.

“Don’t feel bad, DerBear.  Isaac isn’t abandoning you because you are a sucky leader.  He’s abandoning you because he’s bored of humping you, and wants to hump Scott and Allison.  The fact that you are a sucky leader is just an added bonus!”

Good Ole Uncle Pete . . . always managing to look on the bright side of life.

Peter also intimates that Derek can save Cora, by using his Alpha power to transfer her pain on to him.  But doing so could render Derek un-Alphaed, or worse dead.  Peter cleverly tries to reverse psychology his not too bright nephew into doing this, by telling him how much he shouldn’t do it, and how, by doing it, he would be playing right into Jennifer’s Darach-y hands.

Basically, Peter is using the old “Red Button Trick.”  You know, the one where someone tells you:  “Don’t push the red button.  It’s SOOOO COOL to push it, but totally dangerous.  So, whatever you do . . . don’t push it.  No matter how much you really, really want to . . . or that it’s the only thing you can think about right now . . . or that it seems to be your life’s mission to push that red button.  Just don’t push it.  PUSH THE RED BUTTON!    PUSH IT GOOD!  PUSH. . .  THE . . . BUTTON.  The red button is SEX.  Don’t push the red button.  Do you hear me?”

Some have speculated, based on this scene alone, that taking the Alpha status back from Derek may have been Peter’s design all along . . .the reason he’s been “hanging out” with the Scoobies, all this time.  Some have even gone as far as to suggest that it was Peter and not Jenny the Darach, who poisoned Cora, for this exact reason.  I wouldn’t put it past him . . .

In other spunky relative news . . .

Parental Guidance Suggested

Papa Argent attempts to reassure his daughter and Stiles, that he won’t end up tied to a big ole tree like some other parents on this show, because he has a big . . . “gun.”

Though he doesn’t want to be rude to his friend’s dad, Stiles is unimpressed and particularly comforted by this, basically because Stiles, himself, also has a big “gun” . . .

And if Stiles has a big “gun,” there’s a good chance Sheriff Stilinski has one as well.  I mean, he’s the Sheriff, right?  What’s a Sheriff, without his big “gun?”

And he still ended up tied to a tree by a girl  . . .

As for Isaac, he KNOWS the size of his gun, is no match for the Argents or the Stilinskis.  But he’s got other assets to offer the ladies (and men).  For instance, he’s REALLY good with his hands . . .

While Stiles heads back to school to retrieve his Dead Body version of a Metal Detector, Lydia Martin, Isaac and Allison accompany Papa Argent to the vault, where he surprises the two kids by electrocuting them, and handcuffing them to a wall, respectively.

It turns out, Papa Argent isn’t planning on using his big gun on Jenny the Darach at all.  He’s planning to join the Parents-Tied-to-a-Tree-Party!

“I make bad decisions.”

“That’s OK.  I find incompetence a major turn-on.  It’s why I dated Derek for three episodes.”

To be honest, I’m not really sure how exactly Papa Argent thinks he’s going to save Beacon Hills, without the use of his “Big Gun,” or his “Dexterous Hands.”  But I’d really, really like to see him try .  . .

ISAAC: “Would it be inappropriate for me to make out with you, right after you just found out your dad is probably going to die?”

ALLISON: “A little . . . yeah.”

ISAAC: “Can I still fondle your boobs?”

ALLISON: “That would be nice.  Thanks.”

That’s right, Werebangers.  Strife brings people closer.  It reminds us that our time on Earth is limit.  It lowers our inhibitions, and forces us to seize the moment.  Which brings me to . . .

Leave Me Breathless

This sweet mother/daughter moment between Lydia, and the-mom-who-didn’t-seem-to-notice-that-her-daughter-had-a-different-strange-guy-in-her-bed-every-night-this-summer . . .

. . . is brought to you by Tampax Tampons . . .

All kidding aside, I enjoyed this quiet, subtle scene.  Not only does it offer a nice bonding moment between two characters who we rarely get to see interact with one another.  It also illustrates just how far Lydia has come as a character since Season 1.

This once shallow, vain, girl, who hid her intelligence, because she thought it would make her less popular . . . who was ashamed by her connection to the dead . . . who would never be caught dead without makeup on, is now displaying the neck scars she received last week from Jenny the Darach proudly, because their existence makes her a Survivor.

You GO GIRL!

So, of course, a new, wise and mature, Lydia needs a new, wise and mature boyfriend, am I right, ladies?

Upon receiving an update on the first twenty minutes of the show from Stiles, Lydia decides that Jenny the Darach might have had some other reason for trying to murder her, apart from her being a banshee.  So, the pair inexplicably head off to school, to talk to Aiden?

Unfortunately, before they can do this, Stiles gets a text message from Isaac that Papa Argent is missing.  And that Jenny from the Block of Druids now has not one, not two, but THREE parents in her murder collection.

Oh, hello, Stiles’ Panic Attacks!  Long time, no see . . .

Lydia pulls the hyperventilating Stiles into the skanky boys locker room, in hopes that the stink of male teenage sweat will stop Stiles from breathing in through his nose so much . . . but to no avail . . .

“It smells like feet in here.  And I wanna die!”

Next Lydia tries the old “Think Happy Thoughts” cure.  After all, it worked for those kids in Peter Pan.  It made them fly!

“Happy Thoughts?”

Unfortunately, for Stiles, his “Happy Thoughts” involve his good relationship with his dad . . . who is about to be killed . . . the girl who was going to get him laid . . . who is ALREADY DEAD . . . and his best friend . . . who just gave his soul to some guy called The Demon Wolf.

Fortunately for Lydia, Stiles has one happy thought left in his bank, that has yet to be marred by Jenny the Darach . . .

(Werebangers, if the Play button on the below video looks a little funny, it’s because I wore it out by pressing it 85,000 times this week . . .)

Let’s over-analyze this scene, shall we?

Let’s start with Lydia . . . there are two possible ways to read her reaction to this moment.  The first is by taking her at her word.  She read somewhere that holding one’s breath stops a panic attack.  And so, in a moment of impulse, she covers Stiles’ mouth with hers, forcing him to involuntarily hold his breath . . .

But there’s something about the intense, dare I say, loving way that Lydia looks at Stiles, right before she pulls him in for the kiss that makes me think her explanation of her actions is less than truthful . . .

(All the Stydia kiss pics in this section have been brought to you by This Awesome Tumblr)

A clinical “hold your breath” kiss would have involved a brusque and cursory pressing of Lydia’s mouth against Stiles.  But Lydia kisses Stiles slowly, caressing the sides of his face, and tilting his head upward, as she makes the connection.  When Stiles does begin to hold his breath, she doesn’t stop kissing him.  Instead, she deepens the kiss, pressing her lips against his even more intensely . . .

When Lydia finally pulls away from Stiles, she seems entranced by what just happened.  Upon coming to her senses, Lydia appears almost reluctant to break the connection that they shared.

Oh yeah!  She was definitely into it!

When Lydia gives her explanation to Stiles of what just happened, the usually confident girl seems oddly timid and uncertain, like a girl who just realized she’s developed a crush on a boy she never really noticed in that way before.  She licks her lips, a clear cut sign of attraction . . . and also, coincidentally, a telltale sign that someone is telling a lie . . .

Stiles reaction during and after the kiss is a bit more clear cut.  At first, he’s surprised . . . (after all, the kid did feel pretty much on the verge of death, about two seconds earlier) . . .

Then he’s aroused.  I mean, here is the girl he’s been dreaming about kissing since kindergarten . . . the girl he recently accepted that he could never have, finally kissing him . . . REALLY kissing him.  And, what’s better, she seems to be just as into it, as he is . . .

After it’s all over, Stiles is in awe, of this beautiful, smart, strong woman, who pretty much just saved his life.  And maybe, just maybe, he’s a smidge disappointed that her explanation of the kiss was more clinical than his interpretation of it.  But that doesn’t make what she did for him any less awesome . . .

But when Lydia jokes that Stiles should go get some help for his panic attacks from the school guidance counselor, Stiles gets an idea . . .

And it’s right back to business as usual again for our resident Mulder and Scully . . . (sigh)

Seeing the Forest Through the Obsessive Compulsive Drawings of Trees

“Hello, Teen Wolf Contest Winner, who has now gotten speaking lines in not one, not two, but THREE episodes, and is prominently featured in the MTV Teen Wolf after show!”

Seriously, I thought “Danielle” attended private school with the Dead Chick who almost screwed Stiles.  Why is she seeing the Beacon Hills Guidance Counselor?

Anywhoo, Special Guest Star brings the funny, when she quickly cedes her therapy session with the Missing Ms. Morrell to Stiles and Lydia, upon learning from Lydia’s files that she’s a freak of nature who obsessively draws creepy looking trees all over all her notebooks, rather than ever doing any actual school work . . .

And yet she still gets straight A’s!  Now that’s impressive!

That’s when Stiles figures out that what Lydia is actually drawing is the Nemeton, i.e. the root cellar where all the TV parents are now being kept . . . i.e. the place where Derek killed Paige.

In other words, Jenny the Darach didn’t try to kill Lydia, because she’s a banshee.  She tried to kill her because she saw her drawing the one key piece of information that, if exposed, could cause all of the Darach’s plans to go up in smoke . . .

So, Stiles sends Lydia off to give Derek this important information, while he heads off to distract FBI Douche.

Awkward Encounters

That’s right, FBI Douche.  Stiles’ dad is missing.  And all his friends didn’t show up at school today.  So, you should totally let him go off with the strange gentleman, who is creepily lurking around the school, at the exact moment when this clearly fragile teenage boy needs a place to stay . . .

“I like emotionally fragile teenage boys!”

Well, FBI Douche.  The good news is that no one would ever accuse you of being a good guardian.  That means you are totally safe from Jenny the Darach . . .

“Season 3B, here I come!”

Deaton has an idea as to how the Scooby Gang might be able to save their parents.  But, surprise, surprise.  They are going to need Scott for help.

Meanwhile, downtown . . .

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Peter was hoping he wouldn’t run into Lydia again, until he found a Hallmark card to send her that says, “Sorry I mind controlled you into trying to kill all your friends, and then pretended to be a teenager, so you’d make out with my grimy corpse.”

As instructed, Lydia tells Derek and Peter about the root cellar.  Unfortunately, thanks to a nice little neck rub they got from Mommy Dearest, Talia, both werewolves have conveniently forgotten its location  . . .

Hale Fail #247 . . .

Over in a forest somewhere . . .

Mountain ASSSSSHHHHHH 2: Electric Boogaloo

If I had one gripe about this otherwise pretty flawless episode it would involve this scene . . . you know, the one where Scott has supposedly made the hugely dangerous decision to join Deucalion’s Alpha Pack, in order to save his mom . . .

“I’m a bad guy now . . .”

 . . . and that Big Sacrifice seems to mainly involve standing around in a forest with the villains for a few minutes, while they fail to kill Mrs. Morell.  And then going right back to Deaton and his Scooby Gang . . .

You were fun, while you lasted, Random Plot Twist!

But hey, at least now Kali, and the Alphas know that Deucalion was the one who actually killed Ennis!  That ought to . . . have no impact on the plot, whatsoever . . .

“But I was such a good artist!”

The Circle of Life . . . and Death

There’s this old movie called My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the old grandpa believes, for some reason, that the World’s problems can be solved, by merely spraying some Windex on them . . .

I feel like that’s how Deaton feels about ice baths . . . Isaac lost his memory?

Try an ice bath!  Stiles’, Scott’s, and Allison’s parents may be murdered by an Evil Darach?

Let’s put them all on ice!

Now, while logically, I think the idea of surrogate sacrifices brought on by near death experiences is a TERRIBLE IDEA, I must say that it made for an incredibly poignant way to end the penultimate episode.  Let’s see . . . there was the ominous warning, that, not only will temporary death cause Allison, Stiles and Scott pretty much permanent emotional damage, it will also open up Beacon Hills as a Hell Mouth for every Big Bad in the world recently kicked out of Sunnydale, who is looking for a place to commit carnage . . .

There was the ritualistic offering up of Totems to represent the deep bonds that exist between each parent and child . . .

There was the part where Matchmaker Deaton outed Stiles and Lydia, and Allison and Isaac as future lovers, by pairing them together in the sacrifice, and basically left poor Scott out in the lonely cold . . . literally . . .

And then, if that wasn’t enough, right when they are all on ice, ready to die, Stiles reveals to the audience that FBI Douche is actually Scott’s dad, who is officially back in town . . .

Yikes!  When the promos said that this season of Teen Wolf might hurt, they weren’t kidding!

*gurgle gurgle*

*tssssssst*

P.S. Derek just un-Alphaed himself to save Cora.  How do ya like them apples, Peter?

He really ought to consider doing something about those varicose veins . . .

Next week, on the season finale of Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

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