Although Chuck’s utterance of the above-referenced line saddens me, as it represents yet another setback, in a series of increasingly dark turns that his relationship with Blair, has taken since last season, I am mildly comforted by the image of a very sexy Ed Westwick, decked out in yummy army fatigues . . .
See? Every Chuck Cloud DOES have a silver lining!
Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was a bit of an emotional roller coaster for us Chuck and Blair fans. On one hand, after WEEKS of minimal contact between the two, the pair finally had an abundance of tension-filled scenes together.
However, most of those scenes featured (1) Blair trying to sabotage Eva, and (2) Chuck vehemently defending his new Angelic Whore to the only woman he ever truly loved.
Then, Eva FINALLY left town . . . FOR GOOD!
But . . . as is usually the case in such situations . . . the GG writers decided to use this episode to make the almost universally despised French woman LESS annoying and MORE sympathetic — thereby, making us all feel just the teensiest bit guilty for having hated her for all these weeks.
And yet, Chuck DID confront Blair, desperate to find out if she still loved him. . .
And she said . . . NO!
However, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here. Let’s take a step back, and see how it all went down, shall we? But first, let’s get the less interesting simpler storylines out of the way . . .
Rags to B*tches
When the episode begins, we learn that Nate is starting to have some doubts about his new girlfriend, Juliet. Mind you, these doubts did NOT stem from Juliet’s Hamilton House shenanigans, last week. After all, aggressively crapping on the reputations of Nate’s ex-girlfriends, through lies and deceit, is completely normal behavior in GG Land. In fact, it’s encouraged!
Congratulations, Juliet! You are officially EXACTLY like every other female on this show . . .
What really raised Nate’s eyebrows was how Juliet kept canceling out on dates with him, because she . . . HAD TO STUDY!
“Studying? Nobody does that on THIS show! Your new girlfriend is TOTALLY a serial killer, Nate.”
Fortunately for Nate, hiring a private detective is entirely unnecessary on this show, as each character’s every single solitary move is chronicled on Gossip Girl.
(Wait, did you say EVERY cast member? Even Vanessa? This site must be the most boring read EVER!)
8 a.m. Dress in hideously mismatched thrift store outfit
8:30 a.m – 10 a.m. Frequent artsy fartsy coffee shop
10 a.m. – 4 p.m. Attend fake classes
4 p.m. to 5 p.m. – Frequent ANOTHER artsy fartsy coffee shop, which smells like dirty hippies
5 p.m. to 10 p.m. – Pretend to study, while nagging and fondling, Dan Humphrey
10:15 p.m. – Bedtime!
So, anyway, Nate cyberstalks Juliet on Gossip Girl, and learns that, during a time that she had SAID she was studying at home, she was actually spotted emerging from a subway station ACROSS TOWN!
Wait . . . someone on this show actually TAKES PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION? Oh the humanity!
Because stalking his “loving girlfriend” on the internet isn’t enough, Trusting Nate decides to take things one step further, by stealing her cell phone. Conveniently, Juliet has recently received a text message from the mysterious “Ben,” which states “I need to see you.”
Umm . . . are we supposed to believe that “Ben” is the same guy Juliet was hitting on at the prison last week? Wow! Who knew prisons had such great cell phone plans? Now THAT’S our tax dollars at work!
Rather then stewing in silence for a few episodes, or exacting revenge, as men on this show tend to do, Nate actually does the mature thing, and confronts Juliet about her implied infidelities.
When Juliet fumbles with an explanation for the call, Nate tells Juliet that the reason she hates Serena so much is that she is Bat Sh*t Crazy just like her!
Later, a humbled Juliet, not wanting to get dumped, comes clean to Nate. She is NOT cheating. Rather “Ben” is her “troubled brother” who she is currently giving conjugal visits to on a daily basis “not ready to talk about.” However, she promises, that he will “not come between [her and Nate].”
Nate, whose own drawers are just FILLED with dirty family laundry . . .
Let’s get DIRRRRRTY!
. . . is thrilled to hear this wonderful news! (Now, he can finally come clean about all those bastard children he sired during his Spring Break in Nicaragua!)
To reward Nate for not dumping his ass, Juliet offers to FINALLY let Pretty Boy see her apartment!
WALL OF CRAZY, HERE WE COME!
But, alas, Juliet doesn’t bring Nate to her Dumpy Psycho Serial Killer Apartment from Hell.
Instead, Juliet pays off the doorman at some fancy apartment complex, to give Juliet the keys to a temporarily vacant place. Given all the creepiness that this entails, it seems kind of fitting that the last shot of the “happy couple” is of them making out “behind bars.”
Here We Go Again . . .
Oh for Heaven’s sake, will the boredom EVER end?
Is it just me, or have Dan and Vanessa been having some variation of the same storyline together for FOUR SEASONS! Here’s how it goes . . . Judgy Vanessa nags Dopey Dan about something he’s doing lately, which doesn’t meet up to her high moral standards (Past Examples: Hanging out too much with various members of the Upper East Side Crew, acting “too rich,” not telling his parents some lame deep dark secret he has, being a Male ho). This week, it was Dan’s failure to properly grieve over the loss of Baby Milo.
Then, as a result of all the nagging, Dan will inevitably grow moody . . .
“Hey, you say ‘moody,’ I say ‘brooding and edgy'”
. . . and run straight into the arms of Slutty Serena . . .
. . . who for about two minutes (or until the next commercial break, which ever comes first) will decide she “loves him.” During that short time span, Serena will string Dan along on a tight leash, like the disobedient dog he is . . .
. . . or pour ketchup on him and eat him . . . depending on her mood.
Then, Vanessa will take Dan back because she has no other options truly loves him. After all, her lashing out at Dan was only as a result of that suffocating love she feels for him. So, yeah, that was basically what happened with Dan and Vanessa AGAIN this week. Any questions?
Oh, and this should tell you just how much I dislike Dan and Vanessa as a couple . . . This week, I ACTUALLY found myself rooting for the romantic re-pairing of . . . SIBLINGS Serena and Dan!
I KNOW, I KNOW! Clearly, I need my head examined . . . Then again, as Blair says, “Anything to head off the nightmare of Humphrey-Abrams Offspring!”
Now THOSE would be some BORING ASS babies!
And now . . on to the REALLY juicy stuff . . . 😉
Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It’s out with “New” Chuck we go!
“Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in!”
The above words were spoken by the always iconic film character, Michael Corleone, during the much lambasted third installment of the otherwise brillant Godfather film series. I imagine that our Chuck Bass was feeling much the same way as the aforementioned fictional Mafia Kingpin this week. After all, ever since his “unforunate accident,” Chuck has been trying desperately hard to “be good” (whatever that means).
It’s not as though this has all been some ruse on Chuck’s part to get Blair back (although, honestly, we all kind of wish it was). Nope. Chuck REALLY seems to want to change. He wants to be the type of guy who has no secrets, who doesn’t engage in petty gossip or revenge plots, and who genuinely enjoys attending charity functions with his bland girlfriend.
Yet, while he smiles, and plays the part, to the best of his ability, Chuck never really seems to be enjoying himself. This ideal he’s painted in his head of who he should be, it just isn’t him. Fortunately (or “unfortunately” depending on how you look at it) Chuck’s “devilish” Upper East Side pals are there to remind him of this, at every turn.
As the episode opens, we, along with a distraught Blair, watch live streams from Gossip Girl, of Chuck giving his new Gal Pal Eva obscenely an expensive watch from Cartier . . .
. . . and obscene amounts of money to charity . . .
No one seems to be able to believe that this “Innocent” and Slightly Dull Blondie has single-handedly been able to surgically remove Chuck’s sizeable Mean Streak (not to mention his sense of humor — The guy hasn’t had a single fun one liner, since the season started). Even Juliet can’t believe it, and she hasn’t been around all that long! During a double date breakfast, that includes Nate and Juliet, and Chuck and Eva, Juliet asks Eva how she feels about Chuck’s sordid past.
“Well compared to Lord Voldemort, he’s not so bad!”
“Old Chuck, New Chuck, Bad Chuck, Good Chuck . . . How much wood could a woodCHUCK CHUCK if a woodCHUCK could CHUCK wood? . . it’s all part of the same journey,” offers Eva, who clearly believes she has just walked into an audition for the role of a princess in a Disney cartoon.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who’s the lamest of them all?”
Determined to bring this seemingly perfect b*tch down, Blair does what any self respecting character on this show would do, she STALKS her!
Of course, it doesn’t take long, before Blair hits, what she believes to be “pay dirt.” She spies Eva at Cartier exchanging Chuck’s gifted watch for cash. Immediately, Blair goes running off to the Empire Hotel to rat out the girlfriend of the boy she supposedly “no longer cares about.”
Chuck confronts Eva about the watch. However, before she can answer, his maitre d comes to Eva’s rescue. He admits that Eva gave the cash from the watch to him, so that he could help pay the mortgage for a close relative, who was at risk of losing her home.
(Color me impressed. I didn’t know the writers on Gossip Girl were aware there was a recession happening, at all!)
And you all know what this means for our girl Blair, right?
Not one to give up so easily, Blair commandeers Serena and Dan to help her dig up some cyber dirt on the elusive Eva.
While Serena and Dan listen in from the comfort of La Casa de Waldorf, a wired-up Blair confronts Eva at a puppy adoption charity event. Once there, she expertly plies the gal for information . . .
Why does this whole scenario seem so familiar to me?
Oh yeah . . . now, I remember!
The stupid guileless Eva keeps babbling on and on about her life, when finally, she reaches the part about her fateful rescue of Chuck Bass. Apparently, Eva found Chuck in Prolovka, the Red Light District of Prague. Searching the term “Prolovka” on the Internet, eventually leads Nate and Serena to find Eva’s HOOKER WEBSITE!
Blair, once again, is thrilled . . .
She can’t wait to go to Chuck’s charity gala, and break the bad news to him. (What a good “friend!”)
Unfortunately for Blair, the news gets to Chuck, before she has a chance to tell him. Chuck immediately confronts Eva, who comes clean about the whole thing . . .
So, at the gala, when Blair tries to break the news to Chuck, he totally blows her off!
Then, just to prove how cool he is with the whole “Happy Hooker as Girlfriend” thing . . .
“What’s good enough for Richard Gere, is good enough for Chuck Bass!”
Chuck announces at the gala that he plans to give Eva FIVE MILLION DOLLARS . . .
. . . to donate to the charity of her choice.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. If Blair can’t find a dark truth about Eva F*cks Alot to make Chuck dump her, well, then, she’s just going to make something up! Blair gets her shot, when she finds a manilla envelope containing Chuck’s personal effects. Said effects had conveniently just been recovered from Prague, despite his accident having pccurred months ago.
Blair takes the envelope from Chuck’s maitre d, and swipes his passport. She then tells Chuck that she found his passport in Eva’s bag. Thus, proving, once and for all, that Eva KNEW who Chuck Bass was when she rescued him. (And, therefore, was probably using him for money.)
When Chuck hears this, he is outraged. He lashes out at Eva, who agrees to leave, without explicitly denying Chuck’s allegations. And yet, when Chuck learns of the existence of the envelope containing the passport, from Lily, he knows he’s been played by Blair, and that Eva had been honest with him all along. (Well . . . except for the whole “sleeping with guys for money” thing.)
Chuck rushes to stop Eva from leaving, but her decision has already been made. “Please don’t leave me. Everybody leaves me,” Chuck whines like the petulant five year old he can sometimes be.
“No, not everyone leave you . . . only your Whore of a Mother, the Girlfriend you cheated on with a Slutty Zombie Raccoon, and the Slutty Disney Princess you accused of being a Golddigger,” replies Eva. (Well, that’s what she should have said anyway.)
After Eva leaves, Chuck rushes to confront Blair. “Do you hate me so much, that you can’t stand to see me happy?” He inquires. “Is it possible that you still love me?”
(SAY YES, BLAIR! YES! YES! YES!)
There is silence, as Blair and Chuck regard one another, the tension palpable, the love and history between them still a definite presence in the room. And then, Blair says something, that literally makes me throw my shoe at my television.
You’re going to pay for that, GOSSIP GIRL!
“How could I still love you after what you did?” Blair inquires.
THREE! You are so OUT, Blair!
Chuck blanches at Blair’s hurtful responds. When he gathers up the courage to speak again, his voice sounds hoarse, as he chokes back his own tears. “You brought me back to my worst self,” he whispers. “This means WAR!”
“War, OK . . . so . . . is Hot Hate Sex is completely out of the question, now?”