Tag Archives: secrets

The Lazy Recapper Takes On This Week’s Once Upon a Time, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, New Girl, and The Big Bang Theory (in ONE post!)

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Don’t you hate it when your personal life gets in the way of you fulfilling your blogging responsibilities?

I know, I DO!  But just because I haven’t been updating you each day with 5,000-word in-depth analyses of various TV shows I watch, doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching television.  After all, I firmly believe that, no matter how busy you are, there is ALWAYS time for television . . .

That is why, this week, instead of merely recapping one or two of the shows I watched, I will recap EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ONE but in a half-assed way, that waters them down to one or two punchlines, a piece.

Well, I don’t care if you’re impressed, DAMON SALVATORE!  I’m going to do it,  anyway!  (Besides, YOUR show is on hiatus.  So, what do YOU care?)

So, without further adieu I proudly present to you, The Lazy Recapper’s Guide to Television for the Week of April 2nd . . .

Once Upon a Time – “The Stable Boy”

This week on Once Upon a Time, I learned that I should never tell little girls my secrets . . .

“You can trust me!  I’m a Disney Princess!”

Because, if I tell a little girl my secret, I will probably become evil, for all eternity (and start wearing WAY too much mascara) . . .

Also, my blue collar boyfriend with the heart of gold will DIE . . .

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And I will cope with it, by removing all my neighbors’ hearts, and putting them in little individual jewelry boxes.  This way, whenever I’m having a bad day, I can take one out, and do this to it . . .

 I also learned that the little girl who briefly played Max on Wizards of Waverly place is kind of an AMAZING actress.  (She also might very well be Ginnifer Goodwin’s Time-Traveling Doppelganger.)

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P.S. So, it turns out, Prince Charming’s ex-wife isn’t quite as “dead” as we once thought she was.  (However, after spending over a week wandering the woods aimlessly, she probably smells a bit like death.)

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Zombie?

Mad Men – Tea Leaves

Here’s an interesting tidbit of information for you.  Did you know that Jared Gilmore, the kid who plays Henry Mills on Once Upon a Time, used to play Bobby Draper on Mad Men?

Unfortunately, the performance itself wasn’t all that memorable.  This has less to do with Jared Gilmore’s acting abilities, and more to do with “Bobby Draper” as a character.  For one thing, the kid is, for all intents and purposes, a selective mute, and has probably said about five lines in as many seasons of the show.  Also, the producers seem to change the actor who plays Bobby every few episodes.  (They are already on their fourth.)

Nonetheless, Jared Gilmore did manage to leave his mark on Mad Men, by famously tattling to the press about what a heinous biatch January Jones was to him, while he was on set.

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“Take THAT, Snow White’s grandkid!”

Well, you know how it is when people are REALLY mean to you, right?  You can’t help but feel the slightest bit of guilty glee, when they eventually get what’s coming to them . .  .

So, you could imagine how psyched Jared Gilmore probably was, when he turned on Mad Men this week (assuming it’s not on after his bed time), and saw THIS . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  The once-modelesque, ice queen, Betty Draper nee Francis now wears your grandma’s house coats, and steals her own daughter’s ice cream sundaes, after the latter leaves the dinner table.  (She also, as it turns out, DOESN’T have a deadly disease.  So, you can post pictures like the one above on your blog, without feeling like a total cretin for doing so.)

Somewhere in Hollywood, Jared Gilmore is fist pumping for joy . . .

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Also this week on Mad Men, Sterling Cooper Draper Price hired its first Jewish employee.  Happy Passover!

Sure, Michael Ginsburg is a bit on the “socially awkward” side.  But he’s a smart guy.  And I think he’ll fit in at the firm just fine . . . provided he stops stealing jackets from Pete Campbell’s wardrobe . . .

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I mean, let’s face it, you REALLY don’t want to mess with Pete.  The dude keeps a hunting rifle under his desk, for crying out loud . . .

Speaking of socially awkward people who dress badly . . .

The Big Bang Theory – “The Hawking Excitation”

So . . . um . . . this happened . .  .

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And all I could think to myself was that Jim Parsons has some really well-toned legs!  He must do Pilates.  Or . . . maybe he takes those pills you hear about on late night infomercials . . . you know, the ones that make you .  . . bigger.

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Or . . . maybe not.  But while Sheldon’s weiner thigh muscles showed some signs of growth this week, his ego most certainly did not.  From having to wash the pee off Howard’s many belt buckles, to having to stuff Howard’s rotund mother in a teeny tiny dress, having to wear a French Maid costume was the least of Sheldon’s problems, this week.  And if all that didn’t drum up pity in your heart for the genius from Apartment 4A, then I suspect this will . .  .

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In other Disconcerting Revelations News . . .

New Girl – “Secrets”

Schmidt’s and Cece’s “secret relationship” isn’t such a “secret anymore.”

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Nick didn’t exactly take the news well . . .

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Jess didn’t take the news well either . . .

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And yet, I’d say that she took the news that all the guys in the house had “self-completed” while thinking about her, much worse .  . .

“Come on Cece, the boys are busy slapping their salamies.  Let’s go rob some banks.” 

(Of course, we all know that Jess secretly LOVES the idea that Nick frequently self-completes, while thinking about her.  She’s not fooling anybody.)

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Speaking of people who are going to have to do a lot more “self-completing” in the future . . .

Gossip Girl – “Con Heir”

It turns out that Chuck Bass’ often malevolent (but still totally awesome) Uncle Jack shouldn’t really be exchanging bodily fluids with ANYONE but himself .  . .

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And that means it’s safe to say that Uncle Jack’s blood wasn’t what saved Chuck’s life, back when he was still with Blair, before the show went to Hell in a Prada bag . . .

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Many viewers now suspect that the real source of Chuck Bass’ lifeblood was his secret bio mom, and Nate’s former screw toy, Diana, who not-so-coincidentally will be returning to the show, next week . . .

Personally, my money is on Damon Salvatore.  We all know how much he likes to “share” his lifeblood with the dying . .  .

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(Come to think of it, Chuck HAS been looking a bit pale,  lately . . .)

In other news, Blair Waldorf learned that the only way to make sex with Donut Dan Humphrey passable is to get drunk enough, and travel to a dark enough alley, that she can make herself believe she’s actually doing it with Chuck Bass . . .

Speaking of people who shouldn’t be having sex . . .

Game of Thrones – “The North Remembers”

This guy . . .

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 . . . is the poster child for why incest is BAAAAAAADDDD . . .

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Dear readers, please, please, PLEASE do not have sex with your siblings.  I don’t care HOW hot they are . . .

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Draco Malfoy’s Evil-er twin, Joffrey Baratheon’s douchebagginess knows NO bounds .  . .

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You know, in most cases I am a staunch opponent of corporal punishment.  Hitting kids is WRONG, DAMMIT  . . . but in this case . . . I’d be willing to make an exception . . .

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Coincidentally, if you live in Westeros and happen to have had sex with the late King Baratheon at any time during the last . . . oh, twenty or so years, I have a little piece of advice for you . . .

Yep, there sure were a lot of DEAD BASTARD BABIES in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones.  It was rather disturbing . . .

And yet, when it happened, somehow I didn’t cry quite as much as I did back in the pilot episode, when they killed Sansa’s pet wolf.

Puppies make me mushy.  Babies?  Meh! 

Clearly, I’m an awful human being . . .

P.S. Tyrion Lannister, if you are reading this . . . CALL ME!  (We can be short and snarky together!)

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 And that was the Lazy Recapper’s TV Week in review.  So, tell me, what did YOU watch on TV this week?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Mad Men, New Girl, Once Upon a Time, The Big Bang Theory

“Hi, Mom!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Kill or Be Killed”

“Sheriff Liz Forbes, you just found out your daughter is a vampire, what are you going to do now?”

“Ummm, go underground, and wait for my brainwashing?”

This week on The Vampire Diaries . . .  an “Origins” story was told . . .

 . . . vampires unwittingly found themselves thrown “out of the closet,”

 . . . a mother/ daughter relationship was put to the test . . . and failed miserably;

 . . . a BRAND NEW BROMANCE was born;

Do you hear that?  That’s the sound of half-a-million gay male TVD fans simultaneously typing up Jyler Slash Fanfiction . . .

 . . . and “The Game” was irrecovably changed.

Let’s take a look back at how it all went down, shall we?

“Oh my GOD, you killed JIMMY (wait . . . who’s Jimmy, again)?”

The episode begins with a flashback to a year prior.  The location is Some Random Town, Florida.  Despite the distinct locale, Mason is drinking at a bar that looks suspiciously similar to the Only Bar / Social  Establishment in Mystic Falls (because the same set was used?).  He settles his tab, and stumbles out into the night. 

Some Drunk Loser named “Jimmy” follows him outside.  “Jimmy” looks kind of like that Carrot Top guy.

“Jimmy” immediately attacks Mason, even though Mason repeatedly claims that the two are “friends.”  But Jimmy doesn’t care that Mason is his “friend.”  He just keeps babbling on about Mason being with Jimmy’s girlfriend, some chick named “Marla.”  Mason vehemently denies this.   In fact, upon hearing the suggestion that he and  “Marla” have been having Sexy Wolfy Times together, Mason makes a face like this . . .

Because of this, even though we never get to see “Marla,” I sort of imagined the woman as Marla Hooch from that old movie, A League of Her Own.

a.k.a. Carrot Top’s Jimmy’s sultry GF

Mason begins warning “Jimmy” to back off, or else “very bad things” will happen to him.

“You’re making me angry.  You wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry.”

But Jimmy doesn’t back down.  It’s almost as though some “unseen force” has compelled him not to back down.

History repeating?

Eventually, Mason loses it, and pushes Jimmy to the ground . . . HARD.

Nice knowing ya, Carrot Top Jimmy.

Back in the present day, Mason is explaining to Tyler how Jimmy’s death activated the Lockwood Curse for him.  “Any death caused by your hand will activate the curse,” he restates.

Now, every Full Moon, Mason has to get naked . . .

. . . and chain himself to something HARD (kinky!), or else, he will KILL EVERYTHING IN HIS PATH.

It was a very powerful scene between Uncle and Nephew.  But you know what would have made it even more powerful?  If the exchange was made while the boys were out jogging shirtless . . .

Just a suggestion for next time, Kevin Williamson . . .

Anyway, always a big fan of the quid pro quo, Mason takes this opportunity to inquire after his Family Jewels . . .

And yet, since Tyler still has information he wants from Mason (such as why Mason’s Family Jewels are so very small so important to him), Tyler decides to continue to manhandle the Jewels by himself, for a while longer.  Therefore, he once again, lies to Mason about their whereabouts.

Speaking of Big Fat Liars . . .

“The Truth” is for pussies!

Stefan and Elena are still carrying on their “We’re Going to Pretend to Break Up, So Katherine Doesn’t Eat One of Us” Ruse from last week.  Elena, of the “I only believe in PDA when it will make the boy I pretend to hate, but secretly Luuuuuuuuuuuuve, really jealous” School of Dating . . .

It’s OK, Elena.  Daddy LIKES to watch!

. . . starts pouting about how very, very hard it will be for her, not to be able to smother Stefan with kisses, and grab his tight firm ass, every second of the day.

To appease his whiny girlfriend, Stefan comes up with a code they could use to communicate with eachother, during their public Fake Breakup.  “When I say, ‘I can’t do this, anymore,’ what I really mean is ‘I love you.'”

Oh, that boy is GOOD.

“And when I say, ‘Fine, Whatever,’ it really means ‘I love you too,”’ offers Elena.

OK, I’m sorry, Elena, but that was LAME!  First of all, Stefan already knows you love him almost as much as you love Damon.  Couldn’t you at least have rewarded him by making your code into Dirty Talk?  (Example: “Fine, Whatever” = I would very much like to suck your big vampiric &$#@!”)

Oh, and while we are on the subject, who the heck “breaks up” with someone, by using the words “Fine, Whatever?”

“Ummmm . . . hi, Elena?  This is 1995 calling.  We would like our ‘Fine, Whatever’ back  . . .”

Meanwhile, somewhere across town, Caroline . . .

. . . is trying to convince her absentee Mom, that the reason that she has been moody lately, is because she is “on the rag,” and not because she now occasionally snacks on nurses, ex-boyfriends, and random guys she meets at the school carnival.

Speaking of the aforementioned school carnival, this week’s Town-Related Event-Designed-to-Put-All-the-Main-Characters-in-the-Same-Place-at-the Same-Time is “Volunteer Day.”

(Is it just me, or do these “events” get lamer, every week?  I mean, at least the Founder’s Day stuff was cool.  But cleaning a park?  Seriously?  What’s next, “Take Your Werewolf to Work Day?”)

Do I at least get a free t-shirt?

Adventures in Homoeroticism – Part 1

“I just can’t do this anymore, Mason.”

“Fine, whatever, Stefan . . . Let’s f&*k!”

Did you notice how VERY touchy feely our Sexy TVD boys were this week?  And did you also notice that this “touchy feely-ness” seemed to peak when they were in scenes TOGETHER, and WITHOUT GIRLS.  Here’s our first example of the evening . . .

Stefan gets up close and personal with Mason at Town-Related Event-Designed-to-Put-All-the-Main-Characters-in-the-Same-Place-at-the Same-Time Volunteer Day.  He tells Mason that he is the “nicer brother,” and, as such, he would like to apologize on his “less nice brother’s” behalf for that whole “trying to murder him” thing.

“Oh, come on!  Don’t try to tell me you didn’t enjoy it.”

But Mason is not interested in Stefan’s half-assed apology, nor does he care to come to any sort of “truce” with the Salvatore brothers.  “I made that same offer to your brother, last week.  And he turned it down,” counters Mason.  “Tell your brother to watch his back.”

“Oh no you didn’t, just threaten my Insanely Gorgeous Older Brother, and expect that would be OK with me!”

Mason doesn’t know it yet, but his careless words have acted as an unspoken invitation for Dark Stefan to come out and play . . .

“Heeeeeeeeereeee’s Stefffy!”

Stefan ever so subtly begins to invade Mason’s personal space, so that the pair’s faces are almost touching.  “Well, I guess you will have to wait until a Full Moon then.  Otherwise, you are not as strong, or you would have already killed Damon,” Stefan suggests, venom pouring from his pink puckery lips.

“There’s only one of you . . .

ONE

. . . but there are TWO of us . . .

TWO

. . .  maybe YOU’RE the one who needs to watch his back.”

The now SCHOOLED, Mason, having been promised by Steffy that Damon would stay away from him, reluctantly shook Dark Stefan’s hand and skulked back into the forest, his wolfish tale between his legs.

Then Damon magically appears . . .

Ever the expert at Personal Space Invasion . . .

 . . . Damon wastes no time getting all up in Stefan’s grill about the conversation he just overheard . . .

Dark Stefan, may I have this dance?”

“I don’t wannnnnnt peeeeeaaaace!”  Damon whines petulantly.

“Well, then consider it Opposite Day,” Stefan retorts.

“Do you really think a handshake will make this all go away?”  Damon asks incredulously

“No, I think he is going to try to kill you and me.  Like we don’t have enough problems, already.  So, thanks!”  Stefan replies smartly.

“Oh, you’re very welcome!  Cheers!”

Adventures in Homoeroticism – Part 2

Tired of being left out of all of his sister’s PowWows of Sexiness and Plot Explanation, and unceremoniously rejected from the Salvatore Detective Agency, Jeremy decides to take matters into his own hands.  Elena has already told him that Mason Lockwood is a werewolf, but nobody seems to know yet whether Tyler is one as well.

This sounds like a job for Mini Gilbert!

At the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Jeremy casually wrangles his way into a sort of / kind of double date at the Lockwood Mansion, along with Tyler, Slutty Amy, and New Girl, Slutty Sarah (played by Majara Walsh) . . .

At the Lockwood Mansion, Slutty Sarah and Slutty Amy dance drunkenly to songs from The Vampire Diaries Soundtrack (specifically, Obsession, by Sky Ferriera – GREAT SONG, by the way), while Tyler and Jeremy give eachother longing looks across the room. 

“Hmmm . . . I wonder if Jeremy has an Endzone Dance as cool as mine.”

Then, Jeremy accidentally / on purpose exposes his drawings of werewolves to the slutty group.  The girls think the pictures are “icky,” but Tyler takes the bait.  Steam coming out of his ass ears, Tyler excuses himself, and drags Jeremy into a nearby room, where he pushes him up against a wall and makes passionate love to him tries to strangle him.

Poor Jeremy, always in peril . . . kind of like Dawn on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“GET OUT!  GET OUT!  GET OUT!”

“I know what you are,” gasps Jeremy.

Tyler eventually chills out, and the pair share a heart-to-heart, during which the Not-Yet-Werewolf relays to Jeremy, the ENTIRE Mason Lockwood Storyline, as it has unfolded thus far.

“Woo hoo!  *sings*  I know something Elena doesn’t know!  I know something Elena doesn’t know!”

Unfortunately, while Tyler and Jeremy are busy fondling Mason’s Family Jewels together . . .

. . .  Slutty Amy and Slutty Sarah pop in, and decide that they want to fondle Mason’s Family Jewels too.  In fact, Slutty Sarah would very much like to fondle Mason’s Family Jewels with Jeremy in Tyler’s bedroom.  But Jeremy is not down with that. 

So, Tyler, always up for everyone Sloppy Seconds, chases Slutty Sarah up the staircase and grabs for Mason’s Jewels.  The sudden movement catches Slutty Sarah off guard and she FALLS DOWN THE STEPS!

Is she DEAD?  Will Tyler become a werewolf now?

Unfortunately (Oh, come on!  Don’t get all self-righteous with me.  Slutty Sarah was REALLY annoying!), the answers to both of those questions are a resounding “No.”  Slutty Sarah gets up after a few moments without so much as a scratch on her. 

OK . . . how many of you want to bet that SHE’S not human, EITHER! 

(Is anyone human on this show, anymore?   If they tell me Elena is a Fairy next week, I will be SO PISSED!)

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

Never Trust Little Girls Bearing Lemonade . . .

“Sure!  NOW you tell me!”

While Stefan and Elena are having their silly fake fight (which nobody, except maybe Caroline, believe for a second) . . .

“Grrrr!  I’m so mad right now that I could just EAT YOU!”

. . . Mason is busy trying to convince Sheriff Forbes, or “Liz” as everyone was suddenly calling her today, that her good ole buddy Damon Salvatore was a real undead bloodsucker.

Just a minor little quibble here.  If Damon was able to hear EVERYBODY ELSE’S conversations during this episode, why couldn’t he hear THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE?

Mason eventually promises to prove to “Liz” once and for all Damon’s “true colors” (red and black, of course).

Damon first starts to get suspicious when he kindly tries to help Liz with her inability to relate to her daughter, and Liz, more or less, blows him off.

“Is this because I stopped following you on Twitter?”

But the Poo REALLY hits the fan when a suspiciously cute little girl offers Damon  . . . LEMONADE . . . and he DRINKS IT!

Oh, the horror!

Apparently, Mason and Liz had laced the glass with vervain.  The nefarious pair watches as Damon clutches his chest and falls to the ground  — his loyal brother Stefan at his side, helping him to his feet.  Once Damon comes back to himself, he is PISSED!

“I am PISSED!”

Stefan tries to calm down Damon as he rages against that D-bag Mason.  “I’m gonna kill him,” Big Bro seethes.

Stefan .  . . agrees.

“Well HELLO, Dark Stefan!  I didn’t expect to see YOU back so soon!”

“I don’t like it.  He is making threats, and we need to put him down,” says Dark Stefan in his best Tony Soprano voice.

The two corner Mason in the woods, and are about to jump his ass, when shots ring out.  Both Damon and Stefan fall to the ground, each SHOT MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE CHEST!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It was all a RUSE!  The Salvatore Brothers were set up by Wolfy Mason and Evil Liz, and shot with bullets of wood and vervain!

Fortunately, for the boys, Caroline, who is “comforting” Elena about her “break up,” gets suspicious when she sees her mother rushing into the forest, and uses her Super Vampire Hearing to track the vampires to that slave quarters / dungeon Mason had tied himself up in a few weeks back.

“Hey, when we’re done doing this whole ‘Save Your Boyfriends’ thing . . . I just heard there’s a big sale at the Gap.  Wanna go?”

Liz starts peppering a half conscious Damon and a completely unconscious Stefan (yeah . . . because talking to sleeping people is TOTALLY an affective interrogation tactic) about the vampires of Mystic Falls.  When the Sleepyheads don’t answer, Evil Liz and her Police Boy Minion decide to stake their asses.

Outside, Elena and Caroline are arguing.  You see, Caroline has just TOTALLY kicked that Weenie Mason’s ASS, like the HBIC champ she NOW is . . .

 So, Elena figures it’s high time both girls enter the dungeon, guns blazing, to save Elena’s boyfriends a.k.a. Caroline’s Punching Bag and Fellow Bunny Hunter, respectively.  When Caroline refuses to enter the dungeon, out of fear of being exposed as a vamp to her mother, Elena rushes in alone.

Unfortunately, when it comes to Heroic Rescue, mere human Elena is sort of a D-student, so it’s up to Caroline to bail her out.

Within about two seconds, Vamp Caroline has taken a big lethal bite out of Police Boy, and cheerily offered a polite “Hi Mom,” to Evil Liz.

“What’s wrong?  Do I have something in my teeth?”

Cut to a very weak Stefan chowing down on Peter Rabbit . . .

 . . . while Damon finishes off Caroline’s Police Boy . . .

Is it wrong that I find this photograph incredibly erotic?

Caroline then begs her mother to keep her little vampire secret, when Damon refuses, Caroline warns her, “he’ll kill you.”

“So kill me,” Evil Liz says sadly.

Ever the gentleman, Damon moves to oblige his lady, grabbing her by her neck like a rag doll, and pushing her up against the wall.  Everyone screams.  However, they needn’t be so worried.  “Relax, you’re my friend,” says Damon, gently placing Evil Liz back on the floor.

Something tells me that Damon’s definition of “friend” is a bit more expansive than mine . . .

“Did you get some bunny in you?” Caroline sweetly inquires of Stefan, as the Scooby Gang leave the dungeon.

“Yes, I am feeling much better now, thanks,” says Stefan with a smile.

How cute are these two?

After setting Evil Liz up with high thread count sheets, and letting her call in sick to work, Damon tells Liz that she will stay down there for three days until the vervain leaves her system, and then he will compel her to forget that all of this has happened.  Before leaving, Damon sweetly tells Evil Liz that she should be nicer to her vampire daughter.  “My daughter is gone,” says the Wicked Witch.

“You have no idea how wrong you are about that, she’s going to outlive your ass for centuries” Damon concludes.

Now we have seen Damon’s humanity in his self-sacrificing dealings with, not just Elena and Stefan, but also with Caroline and Liz.  His most recent kindness does not go unnoticed by Elena . . .

MOMMY LIKE!

Sometimes Bunnies Just Don’t Cut It . . .

“My Precious!”

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena catches Stefan ogling those telltale hospital blood bags that made him go all CRAZZZZZY last season, as if they are nudie magazines.  When Elena looks at him with her trademark judgy eyes, Stefan tells her how Katherine built up a tolerance to vervain, by ingesting a little bit each day.  He believes he can do the same thing with blood.

“I almost died tonight.  This is the only thing that will make me strong enough to defeat Katherine.  If I can’t change, I can’t protect you,” explains Stefan.

“Vampire with an addictive personality, say WHAT?”

Elena storms off, just as she did with Stefan during their fake fight, only this time, the fight is REAL.

Upstairs at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena finds a Sad Caroline, who is afraid to go home, because Katherine is waiting for her to rat out Stefan and Elena.

Caroline confesses that Katherine threatened Matt’s life . . .

. . . and that’s when she decided to do Katherine’s bidding.  “I’m really scared of her,” says Caroline.

“You should be,” says Elena, except she doesn’t know exactly why.

Damon arrives home as Elena is heading out.

“Caroline is sleeping on the coach,” Elena whispers to Damon.

“And you?”  He inquires.

“I’m sleeping in your bed going home,” she replies, a bit wistfully, in my opinion.

“What you did for Caroline’s mom,” Elena adds.  “That was the Damon that was my friend.”

WOO HOO!  Delena Fans?  It is SO ON!

Since Elena has shared this VERY IMPORTANT piece of information with Damon (not to mention, gave him a nice eye f&*king for good measure), the Elder Salvatore brother decides to respond in kind.  “Stefan didn’t drink the People Blood.  But he NEEDS to.  And, deep down, you know that,” he concludes.

Elena ponders Damon’s GORGEOUS EYES and big . .  . ahem . . . heart words for a moment, before returning to Stefan.  “I don’t want you to do this alone,” she says to her loving bloodsucker.

After receiving confirmation that he will be able to control himself, upon imbibing just a few drops of human blood per day, Elena gallantly offers Stefan her wrist.  He sucks from it.  It is SUPER HOT!

“It’s you and me, Stefan .  . . always until the writers decide it’s Damon’s turn,” whispers Elena, as her eyes roll back in her head in ecstacy from all that licking and sucking.

In Other News . . .

“Mason can have his Family Jewels.  I still have a Big Stick, and NO ONE is taking that away from me except for maybe Jeremy, if he really wants it.”

Back at Lockwood Mansion, Tyler’s experience almost killing Slutty Sarah has given him a whole new outlook on the Werewolf Curse.  He wants no part of it.  And so, Tyler finally decides to give Mason his Family Jewels.

“Yee haw!  I finally got my balls Moonstone back!”

After rubbing his jewels a bit, Mason decides he’d prefer if someone else rubbed for him, and so he gets into a car with . . . KATHERINE!

“Why do I feel like I’m watching the last five minutes of The Usual Suspects all over again?”

A brief flashback confirms, more or less, that Katherine courted Mason a year back, knowing of the Lockwood curse.  She then, most likely, compelled Jimmy . . .

 . . . to think that Mason cheated with Marla . . .

 . . . and attack him.  It was KATHERINE who wanted the Moonstone all along.  The question is “WHY?”

As the episode concludes, we see Mason and Katherine screwing like bunnies . . .

Not those bunnies . . .

 . . . thus proving that Nina Dobrev is the LUCKIEST ACTRESS IN THE WORLD!  Seriously!  How would you like to get paid somewhere in the neighborhood of 30K an episode to make out with Ian Somerhalder . . .

Paul Wesley . . .

 . . . and Taylor Kinney . . .

Ummm . . . Nina . . . if you ever get tired of this gig, you know who to call! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Why the heck weren’t MY high school dances this exciting? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liar’s “There’s No Place Like Homecoming”

Breaking and entering, destruction of chemistry labs, freaky gang-type tattoos, allusions to incest, creepo fortune tellers, and, quite possibly, a MURDER, all in a single hour?  I’ve got three words for you: Best.  Dance.  Ever.

Last week, I griped about the disappearance of one of my favorite characters on Pretty Little Liars.  Namely, THIS GUY . . .

Yep  . . . unfortunately, that adorable, drunky Brit, Wren, was missing YET AGAIN this week!  However, unlike last week, where I spent a good portion of the lackluster episode pining for his return, this episode pretty much rocked, IN SPITE of his absence.  Shocking, yet true . . .

(Which is not to say that I don’t want him back, ABC Family!  You BETTER bring him back!)

So, in the words of the inimitable Hanna, who, by the way, was my TOTAL hero and main source of comic relief, this week  . . .

(Who knew Queen Bee Former Fatties could be so funny . . . and likeable?) . . .

 “Let’s get this PARTY started!”

Confuscius say, “Who hijacked MY Fortune Cookie?”

In the darkest corners of human nature, there now lurks a NEW evil . . . and it is shaped like this . . .

When the episode opens, Spencer, Emily, and Hanna are in Aria’s bedroom staging an intervention.  We know that Aria is seriously depressed, because she is wearing a  . . . PONYTAIL!

She is also sporting . . . NON-NAME BRAND SWEAT PANTS . . . from LAST SEASON!

Clearly, this is an emergency of EPIC proportions.  To rescue their friend from the dark fathomless abyss of “dressing for comfort,” the girls arrive, armed with trashy gossip magazines and Chinese food.  What more could a girl possibly want?

Without too much effort on their part, the girls eventually manage to snap Aria out of her Mr. Fitz-shaped depression, and convince her to attend the upcoming Homecoming Dance.  With their “mission accomplished,” the girls quickly breakout the takeout and start to chow down.  Before even touching her food, Hanna heads for dessert (girl after my own heart). 

She eagerly rips open her fortune cookie, yanking out that familiarly tiny piece of paper that, to this day, is my FAVORITE part of eating Chinese food.  Unfortunately, Hanna’s cookie-sized “prediction for the future” isn’t anything positive like:  You will come upon great and unexpected riches.  Nor is it something funny like:  You will eat another fortune cookie.  Rather, it says THIS . . .

Lions and tigers and bitches, oh my!  There is no place like homecoming.  See you there, A!

A’s unexpected use of a Wizard of Oz reference in crafting this taunt, can only mean ONE thing.  SOMEONE in the writers’ room has clearly been reading my recaps, in which I generally enjoy comparing “Dead Ali” to the Wicked Witch of the West.

Then again . . . maybe not.

The rest of the girls quickly open their own fortune cookies.  Sure enough, each one bears the SAME cryptic message.  This development obviously begs the very important question of, “How did A get her message into cookies?”

Does she work at the Chinese Restaurant where the girls got their takeout food?  Did she simply order the Fortune Cookies premade online, and slip them into the girls’ takeout bag, at the last minute?  If the latter is true, how did A know that the girls would be ordering at the exact time they did?

I’m with you, Mr. Monkey!  I don’t get it, either.

Hanna Gets Sexercised

The next day, in what was, hands down, the episode’s funniest scene, Hanna attends an abstinence group meeting with her boyfriend, Sean.  During it, she is asked to participate in a “role-playing” exercise, in which she propositions a boy for sex, and he turns her down for Jesus.  The boy doing the rejecting in the skit is a new guy named Lucas.

 I liked Lucas instantly, if only because his nerdiness, and smart-mouthed defensive sarcasm, reminded me so much of the ever-awesome Seth Cohen from that show The O.C.  And you all know how I LOVE me some Seth Cohen!

Socially awkward and snarky, but loveable, high school nerds?  Meet your king!

“Come back to my bedroom,” monotones Hanna, looking bored as ever.

“I can’t do this,” replies Lucas.

“But you’re so hot,” deadpans Hanna.  (Her delivery of this line, in particular, WAS hysterical!  I only wish I had it on MP3, so that I can play it for myself, whenever I’m feeling down.)

“No, what I mean, is I can’t do this with YOU!” Lucas clarifies.

In a very sweet, and unusually honest moment for the show, Lucas explains how a guy of his social status could never even THINK of having the opportunity to have sex with a woman of Hanna’s caliber.  (Clearly, Lucas has never watched The O.C.)  “I have the physical strength of Screech . . .  keeping my virginity is pretty much a done deal for me,” he concluded.

I had to laugh when I heard the random “Screech” reference . . .

After all, the Lucas character is undoubtedly WAY too young to have watched Saved by the Bell, the sitcom that first featured the character (as are, I would imagine, a good percentage of Pretty Little Liars fans).  Heck, I was a little kid when the show first aired, and I am quite a ways away from high school.  Perhaps Lucas remembers Screech, or rather Dustin Diamond, the actor who played him, from Celebrity Fit Club.  

Or, maybe he found that awful sex tape starring the actor, online, while his parents were asleep in the next room.  Seeing THAT would be enought to make any kid want to stay abstinant FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!  Then again, later on in the same episode, Lucas also made a Hans Solo reference . . .

. . . leading me to conclude that the character is actually a 40-year old, stuck in a 17-year old body. 

(BTW, the next time Hanna propositioned him for sex during role play, Lucas enthusiastically said, “Yes.”  Atta boy, Lucas!  Don’t let nasty sex tapes starring has-been 90’s stars get you down.)

Speaking of a character on this show who looks and acts too old to be in high school . . .

 . . . Hanna was so inspired by her sexercise, that she decided to play matchmaker for her dear friend Emily.  Having recently learned from A, via instant message, that Emily and middle-aged Maya occasionally enjoyed swapping spit with one another, Hanna more or less invites Maya to the dance on Emily’s behalf.  The problem, of course, is that Emily is already going with someone else .  . . Creepy Toby.

I love high school dances.  They always remind me of that old movie, Carrie.

More on Creepy Toby in a bit . . .

Spencer should really stick to what she does best (Hint:  It’s not dating.)

Having unceremoniously tossed aside, and completely forgotten, about the adorable Wren, as if the hottie was yesterday’s dirty underwear, Spencer is totally ready to head off to the Big Dance with Ball Boy Alex, when the episode begins.  The two share a surprisingly sexy scene together pre-dance, when Alex visits Spencer at school, so that the two could color coordinate their outfits.  (Color coordinate, huh?  OK.  Alex is clearly gay.)

When Alex offers to pay for the dance tickets, Spencer awkwardly explains that she has it taken care of.  “It’s just that you . . . work so hard for your money . . . I’d hate to see you waste it on something stupid like this.”

To Alex’s credit, rather than be offended by the obvious implications of that statement, he simply pulls Spencer into a steamy embrace.  “But I WANT to,” he insists.

He then deftly sticks a wad of cash in the pocket of Spencer’s jeans, like she’s a Vegas showgirl, who just gave him a lap dance.  (Way to stay classy, Ball Boy!)

That night, at the dance, Spencer is surprised (and by “surprised” I mean completely miserable) to see that her sister Melissa also in attendance.

Glory Days . . . They’ll pass you by, Glory Days .  . .

Apparently, it is customary for former Homecoming Queens to pass off the  crown to the next Queen Bee.  And this year, they conveniently chose the Homecoming Queen from the class of 2000, Melissa.  This is probably because she was the only former queen lame enough to show up. 

Wait a second . . . Class of 2000?  Did I mishear that? 

Wouldn’t that make Melissa (and Wren) like 12 or 13 years older than Spencer?  And what about that AP History paper Spencer stole off her sister’s laptop?  I could have sworn the date on it was 2004. 

Even if we give Melissa the benefit of the doubt, and say she WAS part of the Class of 2000, that would mean she wrote the AP History paper that Spencer stole, over a decade ago.  And yet, Melissa still remembers it well enough to recognize it as hers on the website where information regarding Spencer’s award is posted.  I seriously doubt I could recognize a paper I wrote my last year in college, let alone high school, especially ten years after the fact. 

Melissa must have superhuman memory.  A nice skill to have.  Too bad she’s such a raging bitch. 

“I heart the Russian Revolution.  I always really identified with that Stalin guy.”

When Spencer becomes too occupied with the mystery of A’s identity to truly show her date, Alex, a good time, Melissa uses it as an opportunity to plant the seeds of destruction in Alex’s mind about the genuine nature of Spencer’s romantic attraction to him.  “She’s just using your poor ass to make our parents mad,” Melissa explains, more or less.

The statement festers in Alex’s brain all evening, and eventually causes Alex to ditch Spencer’s ass at the dance, without even saying goodbye.  When Spencer confronts Melissa about her misdeeds, the latter explains matter-of-factly.  “I didn’t have to do much.  You screwed that one up all on your own.”

“Who, moi?”

And while I HATE to EVER agree with Evil Melissa, I have to admit she DOES have a point here . . .

But BEFORE all that happened, Spencer and Alex went to visit a fortune teller, who had a penchant for tarot card reading.  (Yeah, we didn’t have THOSE at my dances either.)  At first, it seemed like a typical reading.  The fortune teller droned on and on about a bad relationship, and not trusting people and blah, blah, blah.  The whole thing would have sucked if A didn’t swoop in to make it exciting.  “Say Bye, Bye to Your BFF,” she somehow managed to scrawl on one of the cards. 

Woah!  How did A do that?  Clearly A is a superhero with magical powers!

 . . . or should I say  . . . supervillain.

Awkward much?

As soon as Aria was assigned to help out at the “bean bag toss” table at the dance (which, apparently, had some sort of “carney theme” or whatever), you just knew she would somehow wind up working it with Ezra Fitz and his new uber dweeby haircut.

“I wanted something to match my pasty white legs.”

The two bicker a bit about whether Aria knows “A” and whether she told “A” about her relationship with Fitzy.  Eventually Aria gets frustrated and storms off.  Later, a jealous, Fitzy spies Aria dancing with Hanna’s beau, Sean.  Fitz looks PISSED!

Glory Days . . . They’ll pass you by, Glory Days . . .

To Fitzy’s credit,  when Aria confronted him in the hallway later that night, I really thought, Fitzy was going to say something d-baggy about her “moving on” so quickly.  Instead, he breaks into an honestly heartwarming (even to a TOTAL cynic like me) speech about how he wishes that he could give Aria a good time in the same way boys Aria’s own age could: taking her to movies, introducing her to friends, attending dances together, banging her in the gym locker room, etc.  Fitzy then admits to Aria he got his haircut to impress her, and my heart melted a bit. 

But I STILL hate that awful haircut . . .

Creepy Toby ALWAYS gets the girl (even if she is, technically, a relative)

No one much approved of Emily’s taking Creepy Toby to the Homecoming Dance.  In fact, the couple’s mere entrance into the auditorium causes the entire room to literally turn blue with fear.  (Seriously, what was with the weird lightning in this episode?   Half the dance scenes were lit like a live actions Smurfs movie!)

Which begs a very important question: which Pretty Little Liar would get to be Smurfette?

One of the reasons for the Pretty Little Liars being so “blue” about Emily dating Toby, was that they kind of /sort of thought he killed Ali / was “A.”  You see, apparently, Dweeby Toby found time out of his busy “being a psycho” schedule to get a really gnarly tattoo on his stomach (I thought you had to be 18 to do that.) 

The tattoo said “901 free at last.”  Apparently, the number is not his zip code, but rather the day that  .  . . wait for it . . . Ali disappeared.

To further complicate matters,  Hanna breaks into Jenna’s shrinks office.  (Oh yeah, she totally did that — because shop lifting, car theft/ destruction, and breaking and entering weren’t enough to quench future gangleader Hanna’s taste for crime.  She missed being crowned Homecoming Queen to do it too.)

I may look sweet and innocent, but I’m a totally bad ass MO FO!

Once there, she learns that Toby’s been sexing his stepsister, Blind Jenna . . .

. . . and was in town when Ali disappeared!

Back at the dance, Toby invites Emily to the chemistry lab “to talk.”  Things start out innocently enough, with Emily admitting to Toby that she may very well be a Big Ole Lessie.  But then they take a turn for the frightening, when Toby utters that one line EVERY heretofore mild-mannered serial killer says in movies, before he turns on you and literally eats your face off . . .

“We all have secrets, Emily!”

As if that wasn’t enough of a warning, Emily receives a text message at that moment from Hanna saying, “You’re with A’s killer now.”

Emily freaks out and backs away from Creepy Toby.  He lunges toward her.  Thinking fast, Emily knocks him into a glass cabinet in the chem lab, causing glass to shatter all around him.  Clearly Toby has the same superpowers as A (or IS actually A), because he recovers from the massive fall into glass in mere seconds, and chases Emily down the hallway.  She trips over something and falls . . .

But the final scene just MADE the episode for me.  In it, we see a sign that says, “Rosewood Population 3,488” (or something . . . I can’t really remember the exact number.   I just know it was pretty darn small).  Then, suddenly, a black jacketed hand sprays white spray paint over the final “8,” and uses black spray paint to change it to a “7.” 

The question is . . . who died?  And how does the vandal KNOW about it?

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Filed under Pretty Little Liars

Dead Girls Who Text, Underage Sex, Kind of Perplexed – A First Look at ABC Family’s “Pretty Little Liars”

Yesterday, I wrote a blog entry about the television shows I planned on watching this summer.  My awesome blogging buddy Amy, over at Imaginary Men, suggested I add to my roster ABC Family’s latest attempt at undermining its reputation for being the “Good Little Christian Cable Channel.”  The show, entitled Pretty Little Liars, is based on a young adult novel series of the same name, which was written by Sara Shepard, and produced by Alloy Entertainment (a.k.a. the folks responsible for the Gossip Girl series).

And, boy am I glad I did!  This show is a snarky recapper’s DREAM!

But before I get started with my official recap, let me take a moment to discuss some of the casting decisions for this show . . . particularly the casting of its adults.  Now, on most teen shows, “adults” aren’t generally given all that much to do.  Rather, their limited screen time tends to fall into one of two categories.  There is the: “I’m a sweet, but bland, parent with no discernable personality, who has absolutely no clue about what my kid does everyday” type; and the “I am a raging a-hole parent, with no redeeming qualities, who is totally intent on screwing up my kid’s life” type.  Based on what I’ve seen from the pilot, this show is no exception.

Surprisingly, however, some of the “adults” on this show, were given an impressive amount of speaking lines in the pilot.  And I’m thinking that this anomaly probably can be attributed to who they are.  Ready to feel REALLY OLD, fellow 90’s era TV watchers?  Try this on for size . . .

One of the character’s moms is played by Holly Marie Combs.  You might remember her as Piper, the “smart sensible sister” on the television series Charmed, who also happened to be a bonafide witch.

Her husband on the show is played by Chad Lowe, brother of THIS GUY . . .

(Sorry Rob!  We know you are supposed to be all “respectable” now.  But some of us still remember your sex tape scandal . . .)

As for Chad himself, a few of you might remember him as “Jesse” a.k.a. “the loner kid with the earring, from Life Goes On, who just so happened to have AIDS.”

But more of you probably remember him as the former Mr. Hilary Swank.

This time, let’s try to say NO to drugs, Chad!

Next up is Laura Leighton, who you might recall playing “that crazy slutty b&tch Sydney” from the OLD Melrose Place . . .

 . . . OR “that crazy slutty middle-aged DEAD b&tch” from the NEW (and recently cancelled) Melrose Place.

Oh, and even though she doesn’t technically play a “parent,” I would be remiss not to mention Torrey Devitto, who plays one of the Pretty Little Liars’ obnoxious significantly older sister.  Torrey is perhaps best known for playing Crazy Nanny Carrie on One Tree Hill.

This was the storyline that made me stop watching One Tree Hill.  It was THAT BAD!

She is also the lucky chica rumored to be engaged to THIS GUY . . .

That’s right boys and girls, Crazy Nanny Carrie and Vampire Stefan apparently do the nasty together, on a regular basis.  It’s a good thing vampires can’t have kids, because otherwise, he would DEFINITELY have to hide HIS from her!

Anyway, now that I’ve written virtually an ENTIRE blog entry on the supporting cast of this show, perhaps its time I get on with the actual recap.  So, here goes . . .

It was a DARK and STORMY night!

Bet you thought the above-referenced tired cliche went out of style during your grandma’s time.  NOT SO!  Because that is exactly the setting for our opening scene, which takes place in an old dirty barn, that probably smells like horse poop, in a small town in Pennsylvania, one year ago.  This is where we meet the girls for the first time. 

First up is Aria (Lucy Hale), who we KNOW is supposed to be the “loner bad girl” because she wears black and has (gasp) a pink stripe in her hair.  Then there’s Spencer (Troian Bellisario), who is obviously the “smart girl,” because she wears argyle sweaters.  Third, is Emily (Shay Mitchell), a.k.a the jock.  She’s gotta be the jock, right?   Because what other high school girl would wear SNEAKERS to a dirty barn party!  Finally, there is Hanna (Ashley Benson), who we instantly realize is the “fat dorky girl who is about to become thin and popular” because she wears . . . wait for it . . . baggy t-shirts and hoodies.

The girls are chatting away when they hear A NOISE!

But when they go to investigate, it ends up only being the soon-to-be-dead, Alli (Sasha Pieterse).  At least initially, Alli is provided with very few defining qualities, aside from being kind of mean.  She also has a habit of saying weirdly foreshadowing things that no human being would ever actually utter in real conversation.  Here’s an example: “It’s important to share secrets.  It keeps us close.”  

Yeah, whatever, girlfriend!  Your days are numbered . . .

Later that night, the girls are asleep on the dung covered barn floor (still in their dress clothes and shoes, of course — too poor to buy PJs and slippers, I guess?), when one of them wakes up and realizes that two of them are missing: soon-to-be-dead Alli, and “smart” Spencer.  Spencer comes back, looking really creepy, and says that Alli is GONE! 

And no one suspected this Spencer chick of any wrongdoing, why, exactly?  Oh, that’s right .  . . “smart girls” who wear argyle CAN’T POSSIBLY be killers . . . How foolish of me to forget.

Sex in a Fetid Public Bathroom is HOT!  (But doing it with your teacher is not . . .)

One year later, “bad girl” Aria is back from a year long stint in Iceland . . .  And she’s DIFFERENT!  Apparently, her year in Europe scared that pink stripe right out of her hair.  And now, she doesn’t wear BLACK anymore.  She wears PURPLE!  Clearly, this is a changed woman . . . 

Based on a stilted and awkward “we needed to include this scene, in order to give you information” chat she has with her mother, we also learn that Aria and the other girls drifted apart after the “Alli Incident.”

Speaking of “chats,” when Aria leaves the house, she has a creepy conversation with her dad about promising to keep his “secret.”  And if this wasn’t ABC Family, I’d be really worried about the implications of that awful-sounding statement.  But it is ABC Family . . .  so I’m not terribly concerned.

After dropping her little brother off at Lacrosse practice, Aria heads to a local bar to pick up a cheeseburger.  While there, she meets Ezra (Ian Harding), a recent college grad who just got a teaching job in town.  Ezra has bland, goofy good looks, bad hair, and an ineffectual, almost effeminate, quality about him.  He also “woos” Aria with cheesy lines like, “If you write for yourself, it’s true passion.” 

In short, Ezra is Hugh Grant in every movie he has EVER been in . . .  except Bridget Jones’ Diary.

Not wanting Ezra to know she is jailbait, Aria, without exactly lying, subtly allows Ezra to believe that she is in college.  After chatting for about a minute, these two start boning in a nasty unisex bathroom, right there in the bar.

Way to stay classy, former Goth Girl!

Wouldn’t you have loved to see the exchange that led to this?  Here’s how I think it probably went:

Ezra:  “Hey .  . . I hear the bathroom here is INSANELY CLEAN.  Wanna check it out?”

Aria:  “Actually, I don’t really have to pee.”

Ezra:  (Tries to wink, but can’t, and ends up looking like he is having a seizure.) “Neither do I.”

The next day at school, in a scene that surprised precisely NO ONE, we learn that Ezra is Mr. Fitz (Could the dude HAVE a geekier name?), Aria’s English teacher.  “Brilliant” college grad that he is, Mr. Fitz responds to this revelation by saying “Oh Crap!” 

He does so loudly, and in front of the entire class.  Clearly, this guy WANTS to be arrested for statutory rape.  As if being called out for boning the English teacher wasn’t enough, Aria’s phone rings loudly to inform her she has text message.  (Ever heard of the “vibrate” function, Aria?”)  This is the message she receives . . .

So much for her dad’s “Big Secret.”  Aria instantly suspects the “A” who sent the message is Dead Alli.  (Hmmmmmm, how much do you think texting minutes cost in Heaven?  Because, I’m willing to bet they aren’t cheap . . .)  Through a flashback, we learn that Aria and Alli were running away from a dorky girl at school named Mona, when they came across Aria’s dad making out with one of his young students in his car. 

Speaking of making out with your students, Aria approaches Ezra and tells him she still wants to be his permanent f*ck buddy.  Statutory rape regulations BE DAMNED!  Ezra responds by making this speech about what an amazing girl she is, and how much she means to him.  (Am I missing something?  Because from what I saw, all these two did was make out in a bathroom.  We’re not exactly talking Romeo and Juliet here . . .) 

 Anyway, despite his “undying love” for the youngun, Ezra breaks it off with Aria.  Ever the idealist, Mr. Fitz truly believes that one day he will find an 18-year old, someone who, unlike Aria, he can screw in the potty, without fear of repercussion.  Aria is crushed . . . especially since she probably caught a bad case of hepatitus from that toilet seat . . .

Aw Man!  My Mom Never Screwed a Cop for Me!

Next up on this “Where Are They Now?  Dead Alli Reunion Special” is Hanna, who we find shopping (or rather shoplifting) at the mall with fellow former dork, Mona.  We know that Hanna is thin and popular now, because she wears tight tops, and “mean girl” music plays virtually every time she is on screen.  After flirting with the customer service guy, Hanna quickly exits the mall with an expensive pair of sunglasses she totally didn’t pay for. 

Later, while Hanna and her mom are eating dinner alone together. (Daddy apparently skipped town, probably after watching Mommy “act” in the New Melrose Place.  Can you really blame him?)  Their discussion is interrupted by a visit from the Shoplifting Police. (Oh I’m serious!)  They are here to arrest Hanna for taking those darn sunglasses.

At the police station, while Hanna’s mom is trying to talk her daughter out of trouble, Hanna, like Aria, receives a “mysterious” phone message from the “mysterious A.”

Very clever A!  But I was kind of hoping for a “don’t drop the soap” joke  . . .

Finally, Hanna and her mom are allowed to leave the police station.  While in the car, Bad Mommy tells Hanna how important it is not to do anything to jeopardize her newfound popularity.  She instructs Hanna to deny the shoplifting allegations. 

Later at home, while Hanna is watching TV and eating ice cream, Bad Mommy stumbles in, making out with none other than the Chief of the Shoplifting Police!  The two start going at it, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HANNA!  To make matters worse, Bad Mommy, looks RIGHT AT Hanna, while she is making out with Sheriff D-bag, just before taking him upstairs to bone him.  EWWWWW! 

So, it looks like Laura Leighton will be playing a Crazy Slutty B*tch on this show.  Thank goodness, she doesn’t have to worry about being typecast.

Les-be Friends!

Someone new is moving into Dead Alli’s house.  Apparently, that family is Amish, and doesn’t watch television.  Otherwise, I hope they bought the place dirt cheap.  After all, unsolved disappearance/ murder locations are not exactly top sellers in the real estate market.  When Jock Emily brings a “welcome basket” over to the new neighbors, she meets Maya (Bianca Lawson), a girl around Emily’s age. 

Maya is obviously supposed to be a teenager.  However she looks, talks, and acts, like the star of a gay porno loosely based on that old 70’s movie, Jackie Brown . . .

Everything Maya says to Emily is followed by an exaggerated wink and suggestive nod.  Her dialogue is laced with a series of bad puns and sexual innunedos that would make Samantha from Sex and the City proud.  Here are some of my favorites:

“Oh, I bet your a great swimmer.  You TOTALLY have the body for it.”

“I just really want to get to KNOW you better.”

“I’m corrupting you!”

“Is this your first time?”

Maya conveniently has a picture of her “boyfriend back home” in her bedroom.  But the dude has “beard” written all over him.  They don’t actually show the guy’s face, but I bet if you zoom in, you will find out that it’s someone like THIS GUY . . .

I’m talking about the openly gay Kurt from Glee, in case you missed it . . .

While walking home from school one day, Maya and Emily decide to make out.  Later, at school, Emily gets a letter in her locker from A, who, apparently, blew all her Heaven cell phone minutes, and now needs to resort to more inexpensive methods of communication . . .

My Sister’s Creeper . . .

Back in Uptight Over-Achieving Land, Spencer is basking in the glory of her new cottage, which she decorated herself and plans to move into during her junior year.  Unfortunately for Spencer, Crazy Nanny Carrie her older sister has other plans.  Her and her fiance are waiting for their own place in the city to be finished.  Meanwhile, THEY will be moving into the cottage. 

Crazy Nanny Carrie Spencer’s sister can really care less about what this does to Spencer.  However, her boyfriend, Wren (Julian Morris), is more sympathetic.  We know these two are going to connect, instantly, because they both  share a love of argyle.  It’s a match made in Heaven!  Too bad Crazy Nanny Carrie Big Sis is in the way . . .

If Ezra is Hugh Grant from every movie OTHER THAN Bridget Jones Diary, Wren is Hugh Grant FROM Bridget Jones Diary.

In fact, Ezra and Wren look SO MUCH alike, I almost couldn’t tell them apart.  While his fiance is away, Charming and Cute, But Super Sleazy Wren hits on Spencer shamelessly.  My favorite exchange between them is when they are both in their swimwear, and Spencer pulls out the oldest guy-getting trick in the book, by faking a sudden neck injury.  

Fortunately, Shirtless Ezra has come to the RESCUE!  After all, he is a future med student.  And EVERYBODY knows that sexy pornographic massages are the first thing you learn how to do in medical school . . .

Later, Spencer is up in her room “fantasizing” about Wren, when she gets an e-mail from the highly prolific “A.”

In a flashback, we learn that this isn’t the first time Spencer has made a play for one of her sister’s men.  She also apparently got down and dirty with Crazy Nanny Carrie’s (See, I didn’t even bother crossing it out this time.) last boyfriend, who, interestingly enough, bore a striking resemblance to both Ezra and Wren. 

OK . . . now this is getting weird .  . . Is there some sort of unwritten rule in this town that EVERY guy who lives there HAS to look like a young Hugh Grant?

The Body, The “Jenna Thing,” and the Return of the Shoplifting Police

Toward the end of the pilot, Alli’s body is magically found.  Horrified and frightened, the girls admit to one another, that they have each received messages from A, the Most Chatty Dead Girl Ever!  Later, at Alli’s funeral, the four former friends sit together at the front of the church.  They share looks of horror when JENNA– star of the mysterious “Jenna Thing” the foursome have been ominously referring to throughout the hour — arrives to attend the funeral.

Apparently, Jenna is blind.  How did she become that way?  Did the girls do something to bring about her blindness?  Did she simply watch too many episodes of the New (now cancelled) Melrose Place?  Here’s hoping they don’t cancel this show, before we can find out . . .

After the ceremony, the girls are confronted by none other than the Chief of the Shoplifting Police!  I was about to remark that it is highly inappropriate to discuss contraband designer sunglasses at a FUNERAL.  However, apparently, that wasn’t the reason for the Chief’s visit.  

It seems that when Chiefy is not making out with slutty mommies, or taking teens to the slammer, for failing to pay for chewing gum at the local 7-Eleven, he likes to solve murders!  And he plans on solving Alli’s murder!  Be afraid, girls!  Be very afraid!

So, what did you all think of Pretty Little Liars?  Did anyone actually watch it, besides me?  If so, are you planning to watch it again?  Or was this just a one night stand?

(Pretty Little Liars airs Tuesdays at 8pm on ABC Family.)

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