Tag Archives: Senseless Death

When The Vampire Diaries’ Meets Lost . . . : A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Blood Brothers”

Fans of both Lost and The Vampire Diaries likely found a lot of similarities between this week’s TVD installment and that other show trickling across the airwaves right now.  And I’m not just talking about how both shows feature Ian Somerhalder playing a ” hot dead guy” . . .

Like that “other show,” “Blood Brothers” split its time between the present day and a flashback this week, in order to: (1) further develop the characters featured in the flashback; (2) explain these characters’ actions and motivations; and (3) provide viewers with additional insight into the show’s “mysteries.”  In addition to being profoundly Lost-ian . . .

 . . . this week’s episode, also featured: some truly sexy moments (way to go Jeremy and Anna!), some shockingly disturbing moments (Stefan ate his dad?), a vampiric re-death (R.I.P. Vampire Pearl), a vampiric rebirth (Hi, Isobel!), and, if you were really looking hard for it (like I was), some yummy grist for the Damon and Elena shipper mill . . .

Sigh . . .

Let’s bite into the episode, shall we?

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Eat Daddy .  . .

When we last left our pal Stefan, he was acting like a total human bloodaholic, and, in Damon’s words, “going around chewing on people.”

Before you chew on me, Stefan, may I interest you in a nice stick of gum, instead?

Same gushy center, less mess . . .

And so, with the help of Damon and Elena (It has such a nice ring to it, don’t you think?), Stefan met up with the business end of a vervain-filled syringe, and ended up locked up in a sort of jail cell, conveniently located right inside the Salvatores’ La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (You know, if I ever make it big enough to buy myself a mansion, I am TOTALLY putting some sort of cage in it . . . )

Because CAGES are SUPER KINKY!

Anyway, being “locked up” and all, Stefan suddenly has a lot of time to think.  So, he flashes back to the time in his life when he and Damon first became vampires.  This is great news for us fans, because we FINALLY get to learn how it all went down . . .

When we last left Flashback World, the Mystic Falls townspeople were in the process of forcibly gathering up all of the town’s vampires, in order to stuff them in a church and burn them to smithereens.  The mob is being led by none other than Damon’s and Stefan’s father, who uses the information he learned from Stefan, himself, to get to Katherine.  This is a very RUDE thing of Daddy Salvatore to do, putting a muzzle on a woman with whom you used to play croquet . . .

“But, Mr. Salvatore, I let you WIN!”

When Katherine is captured, Damon and Stefan band together to come to her rescue.  While they are attempting to untie and unmuzzle her, two gun shots are fired in rapid succession off-screen, one landing in each of the Salvatore brothers’ chests.  As the brothers’ lie on the ground, bloody and unconscious, Katherine is dragged away by the angry townspeople.

A few days later, Stefan and Damon wake up in a secluded area.  There, they are promptly informed by Witch Emily . . .

 . . . who just so happens to be the ancestor of Witch Bonnie . . .

 . . . that because both brothers drank Katherine’s blood (Damon, by choice, and Stefan, by compulsion) prior to being killed, they are now in transition toward becoming vampires.  The catch?  In order to fully transform into vampires, they need to drink . . .

 . . . ASAP, or they will DIE (for good, this time).

Initially, both Stefan and Damon agree that, without Katherine, there is no reason for eternal life. So, they must allow themselves to die, rather than complete the transition.  However, on a whim, Stefan decides to go to his father’s house to wish him goodbye.  Once there, his father informs Stefan that HE WAS THE ONE WHO SHOT THEM!!!!!  This bastard shot his own sons, because he didn’t like the girl they were dating?  Overreact much? 

 To make matters worse, Daddy Salvatore seems intent to finish the job.  He rushes at Stefan, clutching a large stake-like poker in his hands.  But Stefan, who has already gained some of his legendary vampire strength from those legendary (and hot) vampire arms of his . . .

 . . . stabs his DAD with the poker instead.  And while Stefan’s Daddy is moaning, groaning, and basically dying in front of him, Stefan begins to EAT HIM (well . . . drink his blood, at least).  The scene is NASTY!  I mean, sure, Daddy Salvatore was a TOTAL PRICK, no question.  But drinking the guy who gave you life, is kind of like drinking yourself .  . .

Stefan returns to Damon, all crazy-eyed and red-haired (not sure when present day Stefan found time in his busy “chewing on people” schedule to get a dye job, but, apparently, he did).  Trailing behind Stefan is a teenage girl, clearly under compulsion.  Stefan tells Damon that they were wrong.  That there is no need to die, not when drinking blood can “take away the pain” of life and “open up whole new worlds” for the Salvatore brothers.  Initially, Damon seems repulsed by his younger brother’s behavior, and hesitant to make the transition.  But, ultimately, his vampire urges take hold of him, and he sucks on (and very likely kills) the teenage girl.

After Damon returns from his “snack,” he angrily vows to make Stefan’s life hell on earth for all eternity.  And, in hindsight, we know that, for a good portion of his undeath, Damon did just that . . .

You just KNEW I’d find SOME WAY to use this picture again, in my recap, didn’t you?

They’re Bringing Sexy Back (from the dead . . .)

So, I’ve got good news and bad news.  Which news do you want first?  The good news?  OK.  Jeremy and Anna?  They are a SUPER HOT COUPLE!  And if their sort-of sex scene and post-coital cuddle wasn’t all of two-seconds long, I would have TOTALLY shown you a Shirtless Jeremy pic from it.  The actor who plays him (Steven R. McQueen) is, after all, 21-years old . . .

In addition to being HOT, Jeremy and Anna were also really sweet together.  Between Anna’s willingness to stand up to her mother, and revisit the slings and arrows of high school, just to spend time with Jeremy; and Jeremy’s sleepy whisper of “Oh, that feels so good,” when Anna lovingly rubbed his face, as the two laid in bed together, I instantly became a Team Jeranna fan! 

So, here’s the bad news:  near the end of the episode, Anna’s mom, Vampire Pearl . . .

 . . . was bludgeoned by a crossbow, shot at her from long range, and instantly killed!  Who killed her, you ask?  Presumably, this CREEPO . . .

 . . . Uncle John (I HATE THIS GUY!), who realized he no longer had any use for Pearl, upon learning that she had given his ancestor’s Magic Vampire Killer Thingy (that nobody knows how to use yet) to Damon.  Just one question:  What happened to Hottie Vampire Harper?

Vampire Pearl’s loyal associate was standing right next to Vampire Anna when she was bludgeoned, but has not been seen or heard from since . . .

Damon and Alaric – The Bromance Continues . . .

This week, Alaric calls his new buddy Damon (LOVE these two together!) to check out a lead he had on the possible whereabouts of his previously-thought-to-be-dead-but-actually-a-vampire wife, Isobel.  Damon immediately agrees to come along.  And although I know that Damon was the one responsible for turning Isobel, my Damon and Elena shipper sense tells me, that Damon went on this “little journey” with the secret hope of helping Elena to find her long lost biological mother.  After all, Alaric’s “ex” and Elena’s “mom” are one in the same person.

“Damon Salvatore is currently out kicking some Serious Vampire Ass for the woman he secretly loves . . . Leave a message.”

When Damon and Alaric arrive at the house initially thought to contain Isobel . . .

 . . . she’s not there.  However, some random Hidey Hole Vamp is!  (And WE thought they were GONE FOR GOOD!)  Upon learning that Random Vampire Henry is somehow connected to Creepy Uncle John, Alaric and Damon KILL HIS BLOODY BUTT for good!  Congratulations to Vampire Henry for winning the Senseless Death Award for the week!  Here’s your trophy . . .

 Teacher (as Damon lovingly calls Alaric) is getting surprisingly good at murdering folks, now, isn’t he?  Once the deed is done, the two engage in a heartwarming personal conversation about the struggles of pining over the “one who got away.”  “Two years pining over the woman who left you, is remarkably healthy, I think,” remarks Damon, self-deprecatingly, having mooned over Vampire Katherine for way over a century now.

Although the two pals end their little road trip empty handed, in the last scene of the episode, Isobel comes out of hiding and confronts Alaric at the local bar.  Seeing as how next week’s episode is entitled “Isobel,” I’m pretty sure we haven’t seen the last of this chick . . .

The Will to Live (and to wear sexy white tees that show of your KILLER arms) . . .

When Stefan wasn’t flashing back to his past, he spent most of the episode, brooding, refusing to drink blood, and flexing those drool-worthy pectoral muscles of his.  Elena, who has been basically living at La Casa de Rich and Awesome with both Salvatores for a few days now  . . . (Threesome anyone?) . . . continually tries to get through to Stefan, and break him out of his funk.  At one point, she even goes as far as to enter the “lion’s den” with the hungry vampire, putting her life at risk.  But Stefan, feeling incredibly guilty for his recent behavior, and for the part he played in making Damon become a vampire, wants to die, as he feels he should have done all those years ago.  During the episode’s climax, Stefan escapes his cage, leaving his “I can be in sunlight without rotting” ring on the floor by his prison cot.  His plan, of course, is to meet the sun and die at dawn.

“I put up with your crap for 20 episodes, and all I get for it is this UGLY ASS RING?   You could have at least got me something from Tiffany’s . . .”

Having recently heard Stefan’s flashback tale of woe from Damon (BTW E and D have been sharing adorably snarky barbs and smirks with one another ALL NIGHT . . . just saying), Elena instantly knows she can find Stefan at the very spot where he got Damon to eat that teen way back when.  Elena explains to Stefan that she too is no stranger to guilt.   After all, she was the reason her parents were out driving on the night they were both killed in the car accident.  Elena explains to Stefan that she knows he is “good,” and that, together, they can beat his human blood addiction.  Ultimately, Stefan puts back on that UGLY ASS RING, and the two kiss and make up.

With Stefan back to being the “good brother” and Damon’s alone time with Elena over, it is now Damon’s turn to brood.  In the last scene featuring the sexy Salvatore brothers, Damon admits that the REAL reason he hates Stefan is because Katherine chose to “turn” Stefan too.  And now, it seems, once again, that the two brothers are in love with the same girl . . .

Love sucks . . . and so do these guys .  . . literally.

 Can’t wait to sink your teeth into “Isobel?”  Non-spoilerphobes can click the video below to watch stills from next week’s episode, in which Slutty Bad Ass Vampire Isobel seems to be wreaking havoc on Mystic Falls.  The pictures feature, among other things, quite a few photos of Damon Salvatore adorably open-shirted.  So, put your fingers on those “print screen” buttons, ladies . . . 

 

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The Vampire Diaries: Who’s Getting Staked? (Contains Some Spoilers)

Who will be cropped out of this picture, in time for Season 2?

If you’ve read this blog .  . . um . . . EVER, you probably already know that I am kind of what you would call a CRAZY OBSESSED fan of The VD.  So, of course, when I was reviewing the E! Online Weekly Spoiler Chat and found this . . .

“Any info about the death of a major character on The Vampire Diaries?
I can tell you that there’ll be not one, but two major deaths by the end of season one, and that the two goners often have overlapping storylines. Any guesses?”
 . . . needless to say, I was intrigued.
Fans of The Vampire Diaries know that one of the main staples of the show,  is its habit of awarding at least one unlucky cast member (typically a “one-episode wonder”) the Senseless Death Award, each week.  However, the show genuinely surprised many (myself included) during mid season, by bestowing this “prestigious award” upon none other than Vicki Donovan . . .
 
 . . . a series regular, whose storylines regularly entwined with most of the main characters, including Jeremy Gilbert (He briefly dated her.), Matt Donovan (She was his brother), and Damon Salvatore (He TURNED HER INTO A VAMPIRE!!!!).  After that happened, VD fans quickly learned that NO ONE is safe in Mystic Falls (unless, of course, you happen to own that Ring of Immortality, which is seemingly being passed around on the show, like a bad virus).
 
My spoilery sources have already informed me that castmembers definitively safe from the stake, include:
Elena Gilbert (duh);
Stefan Salvatore (DOUBLE duh);
Damon Salvatore (THANK THE LORD!); and
Tyler Stratton (meh).
Additionally, I have read that the dying cast member(s) will be DEAD, DEAD.  In other words, no vampiric rebirth for him and/or her . . .
So, without further adieu, let’s take a look at which VD castmembers are potentially on the chopping block; and analyze why the writers might decide to send those particular characters to that big ole’ Blood Bank in the Sky . . .
 Bonnie Bennett
 Why she might be a goner:  Bonnie was a major player in early VD episodes, but she’s been kind of MIA of late.  Could the writers be trying to prepare us for a more permanent absence of this character?
 
Why she might be safe:  With all these Sexy Shirtless Fangtastic men in her life, Elena REALLY needs a good gal pal to put everything into its proper perspective.  And the shallow, sometimes-bitchy, Caroline doesn’t really measure up, in this respect.  Plus, Bonnie is FINALLY getting a handle on those awesome witchy powers of hers!  It would be a real shame if the writers axed the character, before us fans got a chance to see her reach her full supernatural potential . . .
 Caroline Forbes
 Why she might be a goner:  Let’s face it. Caroline’s relationship with new beau Matt is kind of played out.  I just don’t see much chemistry between this platinum blonde duo.  And since it is unlikely that Caroline will align herself with Damon again, and equally unlikely that she will be able to make a successful play for Stefan, romantic opportunities for this gal are already few and far between.  One thing we know about writers for CW shows, they DESPISE a single gal!
 
Why she might be safe:  Every high school drama needs its resident mean girl.  And, right now, Caroline is the closest thing that VD has to one.  Sure, lately, the character seems to have retracted those claws that she exhibited in earlier episodes.  However, if the writers ever decide to change that, I have real easy fix for them in my “Matt Donovan” explanation, below . . .
 
 Aunt Jenna
 Why she might be a goner?  I hate to say it, but this character is boring and grating.  For one thing, the actress who plays her was terribly miscast.  (She looks and acts more like a high school pal of Elena’s, than any sort of legal guardian for her.)  Plus, the writers have tried to pair Aunt Jenna with literally EVERY age-appropriate suitor on the show, to NO AVAIL!  Bumping off Aunt Jenna would be a great way for the writers to erase their obvious mistake . . .
 
Why she might be safe?  Those poor Gilbert kids.  They just can’t win!  First they lost both of their parents simultaneously in a freak car accident.  Then Jeremy’s girlfriend died.  (As if that wasn’t bad enough, he later found out that she was killed by his sister’s boyfriend.)  Then Elena found out that she was adopted, after her then-teenage mom was turned into a vampire by her boyfriend’s brother (and future love interest, I hope).  For the writers to kill off yet another Gilbert guardian just seems too cruel!  Who would get custody of the minor Gilberts then?  Creepy Uncle John?
 
 Matt Donovan
 Why he might be a goner:  Remember how, earlier, I suggested that it would be in the writers’ best interest to turn Caroline bad?  Well nothing says “downward spiral” like the death of your Golden Boy Boyfriend . . . Aside from that, Matt is just a nice guy.  And “nice guys” don’t exactly fare well in towns run by vampires and other assorted supernatural creatures . . .  Sometimes, for me, anyway, this character seems a bit out of place on VD.  It’s almost as if he was plucked out of another show (Friday Night Lights, anyone?) and plopped right in the middle of Mystic Falls.  Thirdly, Matt’s function on the show seemed largely to be the stable human male in Elena’s life.  The one willing to perpetually wait in the wings for her, while she literally tasted more exotic men.  The removal of Elena’s “safety net” might cause her to seriously re-evaluate her decision to “hang with all the vamps.”  That would be an interesting turn of events, indeed.
 
Why he might be safe:  With Stefan becoming hooked on human blood and starting to keep secrets from Elena, Elena may need to fall back on her “safety net” sooner than she initially expected.  And it wouldn’t hurt the writers to add a human male to the preexisting vampiric love triangle that is Stefan,Damon, and Elena.  Love square, anyone?
 
 Jeremy Gilbert
 Why he might be a goner:  The look on the younger Gilbert’s face when he learned from Elena’s diary that Stefan had killed Vicki, and Damon had erased that fact from Jeremy’s memory, was BEYOND PISSED!  And we all know what testosteroney male teens do when they are REAL PISSED . . . stupid stuff, that’s what!  Seeing as the sources of Jeremy’s anger are two blood thirsty vampires, doing “stupid stuff” just might get him killed . . .
 
Why he might be safe: Jeremy has become quite the fan favorite, of late. Not to mention that his baby-faced good looks likely bring a younger demographic to the show, which might be lost without him.   Jeremy is popular enough with fans, that his death just might spark a fan revolt.  Plus, I think Elena’s little brother has a lot more stories left in him.  His relationship with his sister has yet to be fully explored.  Ditto regarding his relationship with Vampire Anna (unless, of course, the writers decide to kill her too).
 
 Alaric Saltzman
Why he might be a goner:  Poor Alaric is a history teacher.  And everyone knows that in teen horror shows and flicks, the teacher is always the first to go!  Plus, we already know, based on foreshadowing, that the Isobel / Alaric / Damon storyline will be coming to a head during the season finale.  The death of Alaric would punctuate that storyline with a tragic ending — one that would ripple outward — effecting all of VD’s main characters.
 
Why he might be safe:  I was just starting to LIKE Alaric!  His growing bromance with snarky vampire Damon has been awesome to watch!  I can envision a number of future storylines in which self-proclaimed vampire hunter, Alaric, uses his unique knowledge of the supernatural to help Elena and Co. combat the many assorted monster baddies that are sure to plague Mystic Falls in future episodes.  Besides, didn’t that professor from Buffy the Vampire Slayer stick around, throughout most of the show’s duration?
I’ve decided not to include . . .
Vampire Anna,
Vampire Pearl, or
Julie Cooper Nichols Matt’s Slutty Mom in my analysis, as none of the three could be characterized as “series regulars.”  However, it goes without saying, that none of THEM are completely safe from an untimely finale demise either . . .
 
And with that, I would like to leave you with, not one, but TWO sneak peaks of next week’s upcoming installment of The Vampire Diaries, “Miss Mystic Falls.”  Enjoy!

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Saving Stefan Salvatore – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Let the Right One In”

 

“Let’s kick some Vampire Ass (but not mine, of course)!”

Before I put on my recapper’s hat, and attempt to provide you with some moderately (or, at least, minimally)  intelligent commentary on this week’s VD installment, I ask that you please forgive me my brief fangirl moment.  I LOVED this episode!   I LOVED it so much, in fact, that I would very much like to have hot raunchy sex with it;

marry it; pop out lots of babies from it;

and grow old with it, for vampiric eternity.

This one-hour, game-changing VD installment was packed to the gills with non-stop action, teen angst, and, of course,  drama, drama DRAMA!  A Buddy Cop-esque Bromance was born!  A darkside to a heretofore angelic character was exhibited!  Hearts were broken (and stabbed)!  Senseless deaths abounded!  A woman who at one time seemed long lost, was finally FOUND . . . but not in the way her friends and family had initially hoped!  Folks, it doesn’t get much better than this . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s take a fond look back at this pivotal, awesome-as-all-heck, VD episode!

Binge and Purge

“Do you think all this rain makes me look fat?”

It rained A LOT during this episode.  And not just drizzly droplets of rain, either.  Buckets of liquid hell rained down on Mystic Falls, throughout the entire hour, soaking all the characters to their core.  And while the “dark stormy night” cliche tends to be overused, particularly in films and shows of the supernatural horror genre, it really worked here.  Perhaps this was because most of the episode took place in broad daylight, a place of great discomfort for those light-hating vampires. 

It was the DISCOMFORT of the characters that really cinched the mood for this story.  After all, walking in the rain sucks.  Getting mud in your shoes sucks.  Falling down a hill and grabbing onto a hand attached to a dead body . . . well . . .  perhaps I’m getting  a bit ahead of myself here.

After declining Damon’s enticing offer of “two liters of soccer mom in the fridge,” a thirsty Stefan goes out in the woods in search of blood of the non-human variety.  There, he is attacked by two of EEVVIL Vampire Frederick’s goons.  Apparently, EEVVIL Vampire Frederick did not take too kindly to his girlfriend winning the “Senseless Death Award” last week, and sought revenge against this Kinder Gentler Salvatore, as  a result  . . .

“Payback’s a wet bitch, bloodsucker!”

The goons take Stefan back to Mama Pearl’s Vampire Hidey Hole, and tie him shirtless to some ropes dipped in the toxic-to-vampires vervain.  Now, I’m pretty sure that the whole POINT of all this was for the writers to have some excuse to show us Paul Wesley looking like this . . .

 . . . and I’m totally OK with that!

When Stefan fails to come home from his personal “Hunting Party,” Big Brother Damon becomes a bit concerned, and rallies the troops for a rescue mission.  Damon’s first recruit for the “Save Stefan” team is, of course, Elena . . .

Her job on the mission?  Well . . . to look pretty, basically.  After all, Elena is a GIRL, and that’s basically ALL girls did back in Damon’s day, that and play croquet, drink tea, and discuss Jane Austen novels.  Although Elena desperately wants in on the “kick ass first, take names later” plot to save her man, Damon won’t let her.  Although he “feels her pain” about losing a lover to a Vampire Hidey Hole (memories of Vampire Katherine much?), her life is “valuable” to him and, therefore, not to be put at risk.  Now, I don’t know whether to be seriously turned on by Damon’s sexy gallantry here (He adoringly cupped Elena’s face in his hands when he said it.), or seriously pissed off by his rampant chauvinism.  Damn you, Damon and your confusing MIND GAMES!

Damon’s other recruit?  Alaric!

His job?  To BORE the opposition to death with his  snooziness.  Just kidding (sort of).  Actually, Alaric just so happens to have in his possession a golf bag full of vervain-tipped darts.  (Who doesn’t, right?)  Since, the only weapon Damon had for battle was his own lean muscles and generalized awesomeness, the Smart and SexyVamp figured that having Alaric’s weaponry as a backup certainly wouldn’t hurt. 

The problem? Apparently, back in the day, Damon screwed Alaric’s wife and turned her into a vampire.  So, she left his boring ass.  Not exactly the stuff “bromances” are made of.

Never one to give up without a fight, however, Damon resorts to Plan B.  In order to get his hands on those weapons, he tells Alaric that if Alaric helps him save Stefan, Damon will force Mama Pearl to give up the info as to where Alaric’s wife is currently located. 

  

Seeing as Mama Pearl also hates Damon’s guts, and could easily kick his ass (even with both of her hands and one leg tied behind her back) this is, of course, a bald-faced lie.  Fortunately for Damon, Alaric is desperate . . . and stupid . . . enough to fall for it.  And so, off head our two heroes into Mama Pearl’s Vampire Hidey Hole.  It is there, that Damon meets the fusty Old Ms. Gibbons, who all of the vampires living in the Hidey Hole have been drinking, and mind-controlling lately. 

So, what does “Our Hero” do?  Well, he does what anyone would do in this situation . . .  he BREAKS HER NECK, of course!  Wait . . . what?

Senseless Death Award?  I think we have a winner . . .

Inside, Damon and Alaric, vervain tipped arrows in hand, proceed to kick some SERIOUS vampire ass, all the while, muttering hilarious one-liners to one another, like any good buddy cops would do.  Meanwhile, Elena is outside . . . LOOKING PRETTY, until she realizes that NO ONE CAN SEE HER.  So, Elena heads toward the Vampire Hidey Hole herself.  As I watch her do this, I’m praying that her “girl power” bravery, doesn’t cause her to get kidnapped or captured, thereby, ruining it for my whole sex, a la Kate from Lost, every single time she is placed in this exact situation.

Girl Powerless.

Fortunately, my girl Elena does not disappoint me.  Not only does she kick a bit of vampire ass on her own, her human hands are also NEEDED to untie the vampire-poison laced ropes from Stefan’s hot shirtless arms.  Damon and Alaric then assure Elena and the newly freed Stefan that they are not done KICKING VAMPIRE ASS . . . even though the reason for the ass-kicking is no longer in the building. 

So, out of the Hidey Hole and back into the rainy woods go Elena and a battle-weary Stefan, ALONE.  Soon after, the pair are attacked by EEVIL Vampire Frederick.  As a result, Stefan is seriously injured.  So, Elena takes one for the team, by allowing Stefan his first healing taste of human blood . . . hers.

And you really have to hand it to the producers of this show for avoiding the typical vampire flick cliche of making “feeding” look like hot sex.  Because when Stefan feeds off Elena, it doesn’t look hot at all.  It looks . . . well . . . like a girl getting her arm chewed off by some dude with rabies.  Then, when EEVVIL VAMPIRE Frederick comes back for one final scare, a Feral Looking, Drooling and Snarling, Stefan does him in for good, but, unfortunately, freaks the crap out of Elena, in the process.

“Gag me with a spoon!  I didn’t sign on for this sh&t!  Maybe playing croquet and ‘looking pretty’ isn’t such a bad idea, after all.”

Later that night, Damon heads out for drinks with his new bromantic partner Alaric, who shows his loyalty to Damon by . . . RANDOMLY PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE! 

Super Sexy Damon = NOT a punching bag, POOPYHEAD!

Had he harmed an inch of that beautiful face, Alaric would be DEAD TO ME.  But Damon survived the faceplant relatively unscathed.  And so, I can officially say this about the typically snoozy Alaric . . . HE IS AWESOME!  (for now, at least)  When Drunken Damon arrives home, however, he finds Snarly Stefan huddled in a corner, having decided to take Damon up on his Bloody Soccer Mom offer, after all.  And you know what they say . . . once you go “Soccer Mom” you never go back . . .

 . . . and that was how Bambi’s mother got to live  another day . . .

Bite Me, Anna

 

In other news, Jeremy continues his campaign to get Anna to turn him into a vampire.  And it seems like Anna is about ready to take him up on his request.  Unfortunately, for Anna, she soon learns that Jeremy is “just not that into her.”  Turns out, “VampJer” prefers ACTUALLY DEAD girls to UNDEAD ONES.  Sucks to be Anna right now . . .

Speaking of Actually Dead girls . . .

The Senseless Death that Keeps on Giving . . .

The typically uber dull Caroline is out driving during the rainstorm, when her car gets  stuck in the mud.  To make matters worse, when Caroline gets out of the car to make a phone call, she falls down a hill.  Fortunately, a helping hand is there to pull her back to safety.  Unfortunately . . . that hand belongs to a corpse.

“And she TOTALLY screwed up my manicure too . . . BITCH!”

Poor Caroline!  Just when she thought her day couldn’t suck more, now she has to go tell all of Mystic Falls, including her boyfriend, who just happens to be Vicki’s brother, that Vicki is VERY dead.  And you KNOW how everyone just LOVES to shoot the messenger!  So, of course, upon hearing the news, Mattykins blows off Traumatized Caroline and rushes into Elena’s recently chewed-up arms . . . 

 Anyone have the number for a good therapist?  Because I think our girl Caroline is REALLY going to need one!

And that’s all she wrote folks!  Tune in next week, when the formerly Kinder Gentler Salvatore goes BAT SH&T BLOOD THIRSTY INSANE!!!!!! Is it Thursday yet?

 

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“If You Want My BLOODY, and You Think I’m Sexy . . .” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “There Goes The Neighborhood”

Me = seriously wishing that this ACTUALLY happened during the episode . . .

One of the things I love about The Vampire Diaries is how far the show manages to push the envelope, in terms of sexual content, while still staying within the boundaries of its 8 p.m. basic cable time slot.  The producers  have somehow managed to make this show the equivalent of a FULL HOUR of foreplay.  It’s INGENIOUS!

E = MC Screwed

Because, if you really think about it, in every GOOD vampire story, the exchange of blood is, more or less, a metaphor for sex.

The pleasure / pain sensation that comes from being “bitten” is obviously supposed to be an “O” moment . . .

“Ohhhhh, yes!”

And the whole “compulsion” / “mind control” thing is all about being able to have sex with strangers, without feeling guilty or slutty, or having to go to sex rehab with Tiger Woods and Jesse James . . .

“The Salvatore brothers made me do it . . . and THEM.”

You know what ELSE I love about The Vampire Diaries?

A duh . . .

So, while tonight’s episode of “VD” wasn’t exactly my FAVORITE (No sexually tense Damon and Elena moments?  WTF!), it still managed to make me happy like nothing else on television today can (except for maybe True Blood, which won’t be back until this summer).  Let’s revisit the foreplay, shall we?

Elena & Stefan, Caroline & Matt – Swingers?

Truthfully, this was probably the dullest storyline of the evening.  But, seeing as Elena was heard, during the episode’s opening, bitching to Stefan about how she much she wishes her life was “normal,” I think that was kind of the point.  (Honey, take it from an expert.  Normal?  It’s WAY overrated!)

So, Stefan wants to prove to Elena that the two of them are a “normal” (i.e. “boring”) teenage couple.  Meanwhile, cloyingly insecure Caroline is beginning to have doubts as to whether her new beau, Matt, is over Elena, who also happens to be his ex.  Therefore, someone comes up with the “brilliant” idea that these two uber attractive couples should engage in one big fat orgy double date with one another.

“You know, Stefan . . . in the book version, Elena was BLONDE (hint, hint).”

The double date is kind of lame.  The group decides to hit up what is, apparently, the ONLY bar / restaurant / place to meet socially outside of school in Mystic Falls.  They do this, even though three members of the group aren’t old enough to legally drink, and the fourth should be too old to walk upright, without turning into a puddle of dust and bone, let alone have a beer.  Caroline, of course, gets jealous when Elena and Matt reminisce about their past.  So, Matt decides to make it up to her by screwing kissing her in Stefan’s hot red vintage sports car.  Stefan, meanwhile, stands idly by, acting all mature, and perfect, and well-adjusted.   ZZZZZZZZ.

Sorry Stefan.  This “healthy relationship” business  just isn’t going to work for me.  I prefer my men broken, tormented, and, generally, assholey . . .

Now THAT’S more like it!

Three-some’s a Crowd!

Speaking of Damon, his ULTRA-posthumous dumping by Elena’s doppelganger, Vampire Katherine, coupled with his getting his ass kicked by a girl (Vampire Pearl, to be exact), has left him in a seriously prickly mood.  And so, like the above-referenced foursome, he too went to that ONE AND ONLY BAR to drown his sorrows.  Soon, thereafter, he is  joined by Matt’s Slutty Mom, and Elena’s Aunt Jenna, who, apparently, was friends with Matt’s Slutty Mom, back when the two were teens.

OK, I’m sorry.  But this is really starting to bug me.  How old exactly is Aunt Jenna supposed to be?  I understand that she’s the sister of Elena’s deceased mother, but I always presumed her to be the MUCH YOUNGER sister (like late 20s, early 30s, tops).  (After all, the actress is virtually the same age as Nina Dobrev, who plays Elena.  And she LOOKS IT too.)  Now, I’m suddenly supposed to be believe that the girl pictured above is in her 40s?  Did I miss something here?  Is Aunt Jenna a vampire too, and nobody told me about it? 

Anyway, Damon, Matt’s Slutty Mom (I can’t recall whether they actually gave her a name yet), and Ageless Aunt Jenna, proceed to get totally sloshed at the bar.  Then things start to get all hot and flirty, as the trio practice knotting cherry stems with their tongues (a skill I desperately wanted to acquire at age 13.  And for that reason, probably STILL have an entire cherry tree of missed tries, lying at the bottom of my stomach).  Unfortunately, Tanked Aunt Jenna bails, and my hopes of seeing a hot menage walk out the door, right along with her.

Yeah, it never happened on THAT show either . . .  DAMN YOU, misleading trios!

After the bar, Damon takes Matt’s Slutty Mom (hereinafter “MSM”) back to his La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And you gotta hand it to MSM.  This woman  is so secure in her own total sluttiness, that Damon doesn’t even have to compel her.  Within mere moments, he has thrown her up against the wall, and is about to bang and bite her brains out.  Unfortunately, Poor Damon gets cock blocked, when Elena and her Fabulous Foursome arrive back at the house.  (So, Stefan and Damon live together now?  I thought Stefan resided at his Now-Dead “Uncle”‘s house?  This show is getting to be more confusing than Lost . . .)

Welcome to the Fang House

“When you’re good to Mama, Mama won’t beat the sh$t out of you . . .”

Meanwhile, those 20 some-odd vampires, who recently broke out of the cemetery, after about 150 years of entombed imprisonment, are now holed up in some old farmhouse, which is run, with an iron fist, by Mama Pearl.  There, since they aren’t allowed to leave, the vamps all drink blood from the same source.  This Poor Matronly Lady!  The woman’s been mind controlled and bitten so many times by now, that her brain and entire body are probably the consistency of cottage cheese.  Not sexy! 

Yet, most of the vampires, like Hottie Harper (played by Sterling Sulieman), who we briefly met last week . . .

 . . . try to make the best of a bad situation, by reveling in new technology like TELEVISION and TEXT MESSAGING!  However, the EVIL VAMPIRES, like Frederick (played by Stephen Martines). . .

 . . . (who you just know is supposed to be bad news, because he wears black, and has overly tweezed eyebrows, that are perpetually pointed, like the one’s little kids draw to represent “angry people”), and his Random Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, aren’t having it.  After a brief tussle with Mama Pearl, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This Show Girlfriend break out of Fang House. 

And where does the Bad News Couple head first, you ask?  Well, ONE AND ONLY BAR in town, of course!  There, Frederick mistakes Elena for Vampire Katherine.  Then he tries to compel Aunt Jenna to let him bite her, only to learn that she is protected by vervain, and cannot be mind controlled.  Later, Frederick and his Random-Not-Long-For-This-Show Girlfriend, break into La Casa de Rich and Awesome by crashing through its window.  (I guess that’s one way around the “Vampires have to be invited inside” Rule . . .)

A fairly well-choreographed fight scene ensues between Frederick, Random Girlfriend (I just can’t type that name anymore.  It’s a good thing I’ll never have to use it again), Damon and Stefan.  Random Girlfriend gets her ass staked, winning the award for Senseless Death of the Episode.  Frederick, of course, escapes to Live and Re-Die another day . . . 

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn (Me into a Vampire)

In other news, Elena’s Little Bro, Jeremy (Steven McQueen, who has been looking unusually yummy, of late), is up in his room surfing for porn researching vampires.  A few episodes ago, Jeremy looked up the word “vampire” on that Wanna-Be-Google Search Engine, Bing.

This week, we found him, trolling for information in a Vampire Lovers Chat Room.  Seriously, a chat room?  Am I missing something?  Because I thought people stopped using “chat rooms” sometime around 1995 (which, interestingly enough, is probably when this Jeremy character is supposed to have been born). 

So, Jeremy is supposed to be this cool, former druggie, loner guy, right?  Why does he spend all his time sitting at the computer.  Shouldn’t he be sitting on the hood of a car in an abandoned parking lot, smoking cigarettes and looking “dangerous”, like the rest of his stereotype?

“Heyyyyyy! I resemble that remark!”

Fortunately, Jeremy doesn’t have to surf for porn research vampires for too long, because Vampire Anna has magically popped back into his life . . .

Fairly certain that Anna is an actual vampire, Jeremy begins testing the waters with her, by asking her probing questions about her family, and pointedly not inviting her into his home.  (HELLO!  You already invited her in last time, Jeremy!  She can come in whenever she wants now.  Read The Rules, Doofus!) 

 But things REALLY get interesting, when Jeremy “accidentally” takes a big ‘ole slice out of his hand with a knife in the kitchen.  (Now THAT’S an infection waiting to happen . . .)  Hungry Anna, who has, no doubt,  grown tired of sucking on that Old Lady (who knows where SHE’S been), is overtaken by desire, and sucks the heck out of Jeremy’s bloody hand.  The chemistry between these two is stellar.  And the scene is WAY hotter than it should be, especially considering it involves cannibalism and a really gory appendage . . .

When Anna demands an explanation from Jeremy as to why he goaded her into biting him, putting his own life at risk in the process, Jeremy shocks Anna by explaining that he wants her to  . . . TURN HIM INTO A VAMPIRE!

Tune in next week, when EVIL Vampire Frederick  (who, in addition to having angry pointy eyebrows is also, apparently, into S and M) decides to chain up and torture Stefan to “thank” him for getting the Fang House vamps locked in that tomb all those years ago . . .

Bite ya, later VDers!

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