(The following post will eventually be cross-posted at Agony Booth.com. Please check out all the cool movie reviews and TV recaps they have there!)
Given the company’s recent decision to shift their business model away from previously-released films, and toward more original programming, I suspect we will be seeing a lot more “television series” like Easy on Netflix, in the near future. The show itself — an eight-episode compilation of VERY loosely related stories, each involving some aspect of sex and romantic relationships in the 21st century — struck me more as a slyly disguised abbreviated pilot season for the entertainment platform, than an actual comprehensive Season 1 of an ongoing television series.
Each episode features an attractive, more or less likeable, cast of B minus / C+ list Hollywood actors going about the sexy business of their respective upper middle-class lives. Orlando Bloom, New Girl’s Jake Johnson, and Dave Franco are probably the most recognizable faces you will see in Easy, which should give you an idea of the level of “star power” you will find here. Though there are definitely other faces and voices you will recognize. In fact, I think most of the fun of Easy is trying to pinpoint the failed television series or supporting role in a romantic comedy that has caused you to remember the visage of a particular Easy cast mate.
That being said, you’ve got to imagine that the good folks at Netflix created Easy under the assumption that one or more of the episodes would receive a more favorable review by critics than the others, and that cast and storyline can get its own show. (One cast of characters finds themselves at the forefront of two episodes in the series, while the rest of the work-a-day schlubs only get one a-piece). And hey, if none of the episodes end up being well-reviewed, well there is always the option for an Easy: Season 2, with an entirely different cast and story lines.
As for the individual episodes themselves, I found most of them, if not particularly memorable, at least pleasant and inoffensive enough (except for one episode, in particular, which featured, WAY too much female body hair for my liking. But I think that’s just a matter of personal preference. Maybe y’all really like looking at body hair, while sitting on your couch eating your Saturday morning cereal breakfast!) I certainly didn’t despise any of the characters featured in Easy. And there definitely wasn’t an episode of the series I watched, where I found myself saying, “Wow, this is so awful. I have to turn this off.”
If anything, part of me wishes some of the episodes were MORE controversial. I didn’t particularly feel like Easy had anything new and groundbreaking to say about sex and romance in the 21st century. In fact, in a post- Sex and the City age, I feel like most sex-related topics, including many of the topics covered in this series, have become part of the television mainstream.
So what sex topics are covered in Easy? You may be wondering. Well, in one episode, a forty-something husband and father struggles with the fact that his wife has recently become the breadwinner in the family, and that makes him feel sexually emasculated. In another, a lesbian couple tries to navigate a budding sexual relationship, despite the fact that the two lovers have vastly different recreational interests. In a third episode, a happily married couple attempts to spice up their relationship, by using a Tinder-type dating app to find themselves a companion for experimentation with menage a trois. In a fourth tale, a middle-aged graphic novelist famed for detailing his sexual escapades in his works is nonplussed, when his most recent, millennial, lover documents her rendezvous with him in a slightly more modern, and definitely more invasive, form of media. In still a fifth story, one half of a Spanish couple –who speak mainly in subtitles throughout the episode– (GASP!) has an extramarital affair with an old flame.
These are all topics that, had they been featured in a television series, say ten, or maybe even five years ago, may have seemed taboo, or at least titillating, but now, come across as commonplace, at best, and a bit ho-hum, at worst.
Ironically, probably the best story of the bunch, which also happens to be the one featured twice in the series, is also the most chaste, sexually speaking. It’s the one about two brothers, one straight-laced, the other a stoner, who decide to open a bootleg bar and brewery together, much to the dismay of the more conservative brother’s very pregnant wife.
Easy
In sum, while I wouldn’t recommend you drop everything this instant, and binge-watch Easy in its entirety (I’m sure you have much more exciting things to do with your Saturday nights, like laundry or toilet bowl cleaning, for example.), it may be worth a try, if for no other reason than to brush up on your character actor recognition skills, and to try and predict which of the eight of the episodes is destined to become Netflix’s next original series . . .
Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers! It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits). Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort! She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!
Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .
“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”
Five-star cuisine . . .
“Tastes like chicken?”
A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need . . .
And the accommodations? Talk about luxurious!
So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while. Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .
[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]
The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow
Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker. If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims. Why? Because he’s a smart guy! He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.
I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .
Simpler-minded . . .
Less complex . . .
I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.
“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”
But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too. One who clearly likes a challenge. And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap. He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls. Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.
They say nice guys finish last. But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned! Sorry Stiles! But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .
As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott. Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum. Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!
Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.
“Looks pretty swanky. I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”
And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.
Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.
“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.
Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right? They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .
Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.
“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”
But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy. *sniffle*
Just Hanging Out . . .
Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .
He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets! Very clever!
Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle. And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you. Ready?
“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky. It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”
Get it? It’s a SHADOW!
Come on Nogitsune! Stop giving us riddles with the same answer. Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .
“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right? The answer is totally wings!”
Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule. But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it. She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.
Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!
All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy. He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!
“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”
“This place has a lot of echoes. That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”
“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?” (Just kidding. He never said that one.)
In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .
. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .
By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug. Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note. But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.
You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .
Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House. Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .
Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table. I wonder what that would look like?
Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.
Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular. But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material. So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right? Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .
“My queen!”
“My fist!”
Then again, maybe not . . .
But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty. Check it out. It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .
While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .
Curiouser and curiouser . . .
Fun with Flags Scrolls
This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason. Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.
“These are some really expensive paper towels.”
For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy? Huh?
“Why are my friends so stupid?”
Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.” Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!
In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles
Poor Stiles! A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise. First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance. Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned. And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.
By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.
“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”
The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?
Animal Instincts
While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.
“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”
But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy. Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina). Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there. Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again . . .
It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven . . .
After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs. “They are not going to drill holes in my head.” (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.
But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.
“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”
Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show! Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?
Give me the Finger!
So many mixed metaphors on this show. First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”
OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor. But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer. The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.
Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .
Give him the finger . . .
Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.
“I’ve got it! The answer is shadow!”
Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.
Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .
Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.
Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.
Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about. Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish. She was much more interesting then . . .
La Loba . . . El Bano.
Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .
Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel . . .
Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.
“How did I get my bat back?”
“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon. Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”
“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”
In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads. (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)
Rock on, Stiles. It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!
Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.
Other turn ons for Malia? Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .
(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)
What’s a girl to do? I know! You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!
Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune! Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot. (So much pretty on one television screen!).
But also kind of cheap, in a way. Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible, with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.
“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”
Then again, it’s also kind of realistic. Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .
Or . . . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!
Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?
You know what would be hotter though? If they did it to This Song . . .
Even better news? Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .
Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.
Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony. And it tells them . . . pretty much nothing.
“It just says Shadow.”
Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host. And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles! You need to bulk up . . .
. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .
The Trouble with Eating Bugs
Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?
Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?
But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?
“Et tu Oliver?”
“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover? If so, then yes.”
Now, you will!
Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .
Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned. And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.
But wait, there’s more!
Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?
Watch out, Lydia! The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .
The Glen CapriMotel: Come join us at this 1.5 star, home away from home! Our accommodations are so spectacular, the guests would literally rather kill themselves than leave! (198 suicides and counting!) Amenities include nicotine-scented towels (Mmmmm!) . . .
cable TV . . .
a buffet-style continental breakfast . . .
and, for those workout buffs, a gym, right in your bedroom!
So, give us a call today! Our friendly staff will be more than happy to arrange your death . . .er . . . I mean, your stay!
This week on Teen Wolf, our friendly neighborhood Darach got a bit lazy.
It was bound to happen sometime. I mean, the guy was clearly over-exerting himself . . . killing three victims a week, THREE TIMES A PIECE (when one would suffice).
But this week, the Darach decided to rest on his laurels, and let the werewolves KILL THEMSELVES! You know, because, if this series has taught us anything about werewolves its that they ALWAYS succeed at everything they try to do . . .
The plan failed . . . MISERABLY. (Werewolves: 4, Darach: 0) Imagine, an entire hour dedicated to suicide, and not a SINGLE DEATH.
Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself . . .
Pack your bags, Werebangers! Because it’s time to check-in to “Motel California” . . .
[As always, special thanks to Andre . . . the greatest screencapper in all the land . . .]
That 70’s Show
Whenever television shows do 70’s flashbacks, I’m always struck by the bizarre nature of sideburns.
They make everybody look like werewolves, which, I guess, in this case, is kind of fitting . . .
Nice knowing ya, Random Argent Relative . . .
“I’ll miss you Burt Reynolds’ mustache!”
The Usual Suspects
Meanwhile, over on the Beacon Hills Cross Country Team Bus . . . actually, I shouldn’t say, “meanwhile,” because it’s 36 years later . . .which reminds me, why 36 years? It seems kind of random, no?
At first, I thought, perhaps, Jeff Davis had ole “Uncle” Argent croak on his birthday. But according to Wikipedia, Jeff Davis was actually born in in 1975, not 77 . . .
I guess we’ll never know . . .
Anywhoo, Scooby Gang ends up being forced to spend the night at the same hotel where Sideburn Guy ate the business end of his revolver. Needless to say, Lydia is not pleased . . .
While in bed with Scott . . .
. . . sorry, I mean, in the bed “next” to Scott, Stiles helpfully reviews with us his chief suspects in the “Druid Sacrifice” killings.
“Previously on Teen Wolf . . .”
They are . . .
Mr. Harris, because he’s ALWAYS a suspect
Derek, because “Sterek” hasn’t exactly been going as planned, this season . . .
Cora, because she’s related to Derek (see earlier comment about “Sterek failure”) . . .
Mr. Deaton, because Stiles is creeped out by that whole “Obi Won” thing he has going on . . .
. . . and Lydia, who is basically the female version of the kid from The Sixth Sense . . . except the kid from The Sixth Sense, doesn’t suffer from blackouts, and never poisoned all his friends with wolfsbane. (Then again, that’s probably because the kid from The Sixth Sensedidn’t have any friends except Bruce Willis, who, spoiler alert, was already dead.)
Stiles also posits that it’s entirely possible that the killer is someone completely random like the English Teacher good ole Kanaima Master Creepy Matt, from last season, who Stiles (AND I!) suspected as being bad news, from the get go . . .
Honestly, though, I was surprised that Stiles didn’t through Peter in the mix, as a possible suspect. After all, he’s been a Big Bad before. Not to mention he seems way smarter than both Derek and Cora . . . just sayin . . .
After all, didn’t Lydia note last week that these sacrifices seemed designed to build the killer’s strength for impending battle? And we all know Peter has hasn’t quite been back in fighting form, ever since his awakening from the dead . . .
Personally, I’d be bummed if Sassy Uncle Peter ended up being the Bad Guy again. I’m just putting it out there . . .
In other Villain News . . .
Get in MY BELLY!
BOW CHICKA WOW, WOW! Ethan and Danny are putting this creepy hotel to good use . . . a use that involves nipple licking . . .
“Nom, nom, nom, nom . . .munch”
Talk about making the best of a bad situation . . .
Mid-foreplay, Ethan and Danny discuss the latter’s scars, which Danny has had since he’s a child. Ethan basically offers to heal them for Danny . . . but he does so in a casual enough way, so as not to make Danny think, “My boyfriend’s totally a werewolf, who occasionally gets fisted by his brother, and merges into this big ugly Shrek-looking thing . . .”
Danny, however, likes his scars. They make him feel like a survivor.
“Where’s the scar?”
Ethan replies that he hopes Danny will be a survivor . . . a statement I’m sure Danny found sweet, but sounded kind of threatening to me, under the circumstances . . .
Don’t you hate when you are just about to hook up with a guy you really like, and indigestion appears?
“Sh*t, not again.”
“Can’t a guy get a meal in here, every once in a while? Danny’s weiner only has so much protein in it.”
I don’t know about you, but when I find a bald guy growling in my stomach, I reach for the Pepto Bismol. Chainsaws are just too messy . . .
Then again, it’s possible that Ethan just has a distaste for pink drinks . . .
“This is how Real Men deal with getting the runs . . .”
Fortunately, Stiles and Lydia arrive just in time to stop Ethan from giving himself an emergency tummy tuck. Unfortunately, the mood has definitely been killed. No sex in the dingy motel room for Danny and Ethan . . . at least not tonight.
“Was it something I said?”
Dark!Scott Returns
So remember how last week, I made this comment about how I sort of missed Edgy Scott, from Season 1 . . . the-not-yet-in-control-of-his-wolfiness guy, who tried to pork Lydia, even though Stiles was clearly in love with her?
Yeah, he was kind of a douche. But dude was fun to watch!
Anywhoo, the writers of Teen Wolf must read this blog have heard my prayers, because guess who made a surprise return to TV, this week?
It’s Scott McRapey!
Walking in on Allison in the shower? Grasping for her, even though she asked him to leave? Telling her that sex “as friends” would solve all their relationship problems? Then, magically “snapping out of it,” and claiming he “forgot what just happened?”
Scott just became the male star of every Lifetime movie I’ve ever seen . . . It was awesome!
In other news, the Red Eyes were back. Alpha, shmalpha! Get this boy some Visine, STAT!
Come Play with Us!
It was a busy week for Team Human, this week, who pretty much had to do all the heavy lifting this week, while our supernatural friends were . . . you know . . . out of their minds and trying to find increasingly creative ways to off themselves . . .
Downstairs in the lobby, trying to complain to an old lady with emphysema, because the towels in her supposedly smoke-free room smell like ASH, Lydia stumbles upon some unpleasant history about the motel where Coach Crackpot has willingly forced his students to spend the night. As it turns out, the Glen Capri hotel holds the record as the “Motel that hosts the most Suicides.”
It’s an admittedly dubious distinction. But Emphysema Lady is proud, nonetheless. I mean, people could choose to end their lives ANYWHERE. But the fact that 198 depressives chose the Glen Capri motel, of all places, as the last place on Earth they will ever see while among the living, must be kind of touching to the motel owners . . . in a totally creepy way.
“Prayer circle?”
In fact. Emphysema Lady is so “touched” by the deaths, she’s decided to convert each room into an unofficial suicide museum, helpfully hiding newspaper articles about each of the suicides in the King James Bibles of the room in which they occurred!
Having 198 corpses on your premises, also makes you about 10 times more likely to be haunted than your average Best Western or Motel 6 . . .
In fact, it kind of reminds me a bit of that Other Hotel . . .
This might explain why Lydia keeps “overhearing” suicides, in presumably empty motel rooms. You know, like those two kids who shot one another in the head simultaneously, Romeo and Juliet style.
Speaking of Lydia, this isn’t exactly her day. As if it wasn’t bad enough having 198 people wanting to play with you, Stiles informs her that she might very well be the evil Druid killer. It makes sense, a bit, considering how wacky all the resident werewolves are acting. The last time we saw these guys act like that, was the type Lydia, possessed by Peter, poisoned them all with wolfsbane at a party.
“I think I liked you better when you worshipped the ground I walked on, and didn’t accuse me of being a serial killer, each week . . .”
Coincidence?
Downstairs in the lobby, the sign touting the hotels 198 deaths, seems to have magically increased to 201 . . . a number we keep seeing pop up throughout the episode.
201-198 = 3
The question is, which lucky trio will get to check into Suicide Motel . . . FOREVER?
Insert “Yo Mama” Joke Here
“Ring, ring! Hey, Scott! It’s your mom calling.”
“Just wanted to let you know I’m about to get my throat slit by your nemesis, while you watch.”
“Also, I hope you brought a sweater to your track meet. I hear it’s a bit nippy outside.”
“Just kidding. I’m not really dying. I’m just a metaphorical representation of your fear that your Wolf Life will ultimately cause the inevitable demise of everyone you love.”
“But I meant what I said about the sweater . . .”
Ice, Ice, Baby . . .
You ever see that commercial, where the football player is really hungry, so he temporarily turns into Betty White?
Well, Boyd’s definitely hungry. But I’m not quite sure Betty White would be able to do this?
“Care for a Kit Kat?”
(Fun fact. At the vending machine, Boyd selected candy number 201 . . . you know as in 201 DEATHS in the motel? Could he be one of the lucky three?)
Later, while getting some ice, Boyd finds a prize inside the icebox . . .
“Peekaboo!”
Later in his hotel room, Boyd can’t seem to stop hearing the taped transcript of his police interrogation, following his little sister’s abduction at an ice rink, after which she was apparently murdered.
In all seriousness, this actually explains a lot about the heretofore enigmatic Boyd . . . a loner, who relives his sibling’s abduction each day, by working at, of all places, an ice rink, and driving a Zamboni. Not only does this appear to be Boyd’s way of punishing himself for losing track of his sister on that fateful day, it’s also a way for him to make sure that no other little kids at the ice rink suffer the same fate his sister did.
Feeling sorry for himself, Boyd decides to take a bath . . . with a safe?
“Plop.”
“Glug, glug, gurgle, fizzzzzzzzzzz”
Fortunately, Lydia’s ability to converse with dead people, apparently extends to the future dead. Because Lydia predicts Boyd’s future drowning, just in time for her and Stiles to finding him taking a nap in the tub, sans Rubber Duckie. Upon determining that heat could be used to break the werewolves out of their suicidal trances, Lydia instructs Stiles to get some signal flares from the (unlocked?) bus.
He waves one in Boyd’s face and . . .
“How dare you interrupt my water aerobics session!”
Phew, that was a close one. Fear not, kiddies. It looks like Boyd will get to live to be a not-particularly-well-developed-character (save for the dead sister thing) another day . . .
But Boyd isn’t the only werewolf hanging out around ice boxes tonight . . .
Get in the Icebox!
Since there’s nothing good on television . . .
“Why are all the werewolves on True Blood such inbred douchebags?”
Isaac decides to take a walk down memory lane, with his dear old dad . . .
“Hey dad, remember that time you locked me in the icebox, because I gave you the wrong-sized tool?”
“Good times!”
Isaac actually seems more scared than suicidal, when Stiles finds him hiding under the presumably grossly dirty hotel bed . . .
But Stiles decides to put a burning flame in his face anyway. (That’s what friends are for!)
Speaking of friends with benefits . . .
Sex Heals All Wounds . . . Apparently
When we last left English Teacher, she was huddled over a nearly-dead Derek in the school parking lot . . .
So, she does what any woman would do in such a situation: takes him to a hospitaluses a first aid kit on him in an attempt to staunch the bleeding makes some cheesy jokes about what a hot body he has, and then proceeds to have sex with him, as his gaping, gross, open wounds rub all up on her privates . . .
“Seriously?”
Not that Derek is complaining . . .
Did I mention that English Teacher has a magic coochie, apparently?
One roll in the hay with this chick, and he’s CURED! It’s a MIRACLE!
“Thank you, Magic Coochie!”
English Teacher has officially become my hero! Too bad it’s looking more and more likely that she’s evil.
Gas Pains . . .
Speaking of Magic Coochie, Scott could probably use one of those, when Suicide Motel motivates him to douse himself in kerosene, while holding a signal flare . . .
Team Human watches in horror, as Scott threatens to kill himself, thereby putting a premature end to a series that has clearly been written around him . . .
“Goodbye Cruel Television Show!”
OK, so most of the fanbase KNOWS the writers wouldn’t really kill Scott, smack in the middle of the season. But still, it’s an emotional moment . . .
Then, Scott starts telling Stiles what losers and nobodies they used to be, before Scott turned into a werewolf . . . the implication being, obviously, that Stiles is STILL a loser and a nobody.
OUCH! If I was Stiles, I might have been tempted to let him die for that . . . just sayin . . .
“If I’m such a loser, how come YOU’RE the one who smells like gas?”
Obviously, I’m kidding. But seriously! Show Stiles a bit of respect, Scott! He pretty much solves EVERY CRIME COMMITTED ON THIS SHOW! Not to mention, he’s constantly getting Scott’s dumb ass wolf side out of trouble . . .
But Stiles is clearly a better person than me. Because rather than telling off Scott, he gets all teary, and offers to die with him . . . calling the Teen Wolf his best friend and brother . . .
“It gets better.”
Once again, Dylan O’Brien hits the scene out of the park, almost making me forget how annoyed I am at Suicidal!Scott for dissing him . . . almost.
When Stiles pulls Scott out of the fire, Lydia gets a surprise glimpse at Voldemort from Harry Potter! Talk about a cool cameo appearance!
“Was the signal flare a horcrux?”
Thar she BLOWS!
The next day on the bus, Lydia steals Coach Crackpot’s whistle, and finds out that someone filled it with wolfsbane, which would explain why the wolves were acting so wacky on this little trip.
Except, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t EVERYONE . . . wolves, humans, and kanaimas alike . . . effected by the wolfsbane, back when Lydia slipped it into her punch at her birthday, last season? Why was it so much more selective, this time around? I mean the Coach blew that sh*t RIGHT IN STILES’ FACE!
Also, how was Coach able to get any sound out of the whistle, with all that purple crud in it? Anyone? Bueller?
Logical reasoning aside, the gang determines that the Darach . . . and not the Suicide Motel . . . was responsible for all the almost-murders . . . If I was the Suicide Motel, I’d be massively offended by this . . .
Also, on the bus, Ethan thanks SCOTT for saving his life.
SCOTT? SCOTT? SERIOUSLY?
Scott was out playing in the gasoline! STILES AND LYDIA saved your life, Ethan!
Why is everybody crapping on Stiles, this season? Correction, why does everybody crap on Stiles, EVERY SEASON?
Makes me mad, is all . . .
Anywhoo, to thank SCOTT for “saving his life,” Ethan tells the Scooby Gang that Derek is still alive . . .
However, the Alpha’s plan on killing him . . . again . . . to avenge the death of THIS GUY . . .
“Doh!”
Something tells me that the Magic Coochie won’t help Derek, this time around . . .
Can I Get You a Tissue . . . GERARD ARGENT?
Back in Adult Town, Papa Argent figures out his daughter flauted his authority by attempting to murder Alpha’s Katnisss Everdeen style, without daddy’s approval. So, he punishes her, by letting her rot for the night in the same hotel where his Uncle, shortly after turning werewolf, decided to off himself . . .
“What’s this random escalator doing in here?”
At the end of the episode, Papa Argent pays a visit to a familiar face . . .
“Hi honey, I’m home!”
“Miss me and my massive over-acting?”
That’s right, Kiddies, it’s the MOUNTAIN ASHHHHHH guy . . .
(who, apparently, after all these years, has never learned how to blow his nose)
And he’s got some interesting intel about who bit Uncle Argent, back in 1977 . . . It was . . . wait for it . . . THE DEMON WOLFFFFFF!
Next week on Teen Wolf, Deaton becomes the Maggie Grace character from the movie Taken (which, I guess makes Scott, Liam Neeson?)
And yet, with generous amounts of guyliner, and a couple clever pop culture references (Son of Giusseppe, anyone?), Damon Salvatore manages to make what could have been a tired scene seem somehow fresh . . . not to mention way funnier than a double homicide has any right to be. Because, he’s just cool like that.
Also, kudos to the music department for getting the rights to Talking Heads “Psycho Killer.” When it comes to matching a song to a scene, it really doesn’t get much more perfect than this . . .
Of course, my favorite TVD Musical Moment will ALWAYS remain Damon’s dance with Vicki in Season 1 to Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”
But this one came a close second. What’s YOUR favorite TVD Musical Moment?
When Stefan finds out Silas has been skulking around Mystic Falls, and draining the hospital blood supply, he immediately calls his ex-boyfriend Klaus for help.
This, of course, totally pisses off Stefan’s New Girl Friday, Caroline.
Did I say pisses her off, I mean secretly thrills her in a Sexual Way . . .
And when it comes to Bad Boys, Klaus pretty much takes the cake, in Caroline’s life. After all, this IS the guy who killed her boyfriend’s mother and her best friend’s Useless Aunt, banished her boyfriend to the Great Beyond, and was responsible for almost poisoning Caroline, herself, to death with werewolf venom . . . twice.
But he draws her ponies, and triangles on a map. And he buys her expensive things. (DREAMY!)
Did I mention he has an accent?
That’s right, Klaroline fans. Though, when it comes to snagging Caroline, up to this point, Klaus has had about as much game, as Charlie Brown on a football field . . .
. . . he definitely made some headway into her heart, this week . . .
from the group geometry lesson . . . to the Walk in the Woods . . .
Something is definitely brewing here, Sports Fans. And then Klaus did the one thing that is sure to send Caroline zooming right into his Dr. Evil Underoos . . .
He REJECTED HER!
“As IF!”
But I’m getting ahead of myself, here. For now, all you need to know is that our Blonde Vampire Trio has located Silas Bushyhead, by finding on a map, the two places where he is most likely to perform his next massacre . . .
The plot . . . it’s thickening . . .
A New York Sh*tty Flashback
This one time . . . at Band Camp . . . I turned off my humanity, and started eating everyone in New York . . .
So begins, Damon’s Bedtime Story to Elena.
And of course, every Bedtime Story has to have a Fairy Godmother . . .
Good ole, Lexie! Talk about a Girl with Bad Boy Complex. This reoccurring vampiress never met a Humanity Free Salvatore she didn’t want to fix.
But while “therapy” for Stefan involved tying him to a chair for months on end, and draining him dry, her methods of curing Damon were a bit more . . . unorthodox.
Honestly, who could blame Damon for not wanting to restart that pesky humanity switch? From the sexy neck shares, to the long nights spent drinking and dancing, this flashback read more like The Perks of Being a Vampire II: Electric Boogaloo than any sort of cautionary tale against bad vamp behavior!
And when Damon started fixing those Puppy Dog Eye Things in Lexie’s direction, and stroking her ego (among other lady parts), by claiming his love for her CURED HIM OF EVIL, I knew instantly he was full of crap. (Even the most casual TVD fan knows that Damon Salvatore was a one-woman vamp for about 145 years, and that woman was sure as hell NOT LEXIE.)
But still, like the Most Gullible Vampire Ever, I found myself eagerly awaiting the start of some good, old fashioned humanity free Damon Sex . . .
Seriously, since when did the CW become PBS! They skipped over the night, and went straight to MORNING?! COME ON! Even ABC Family gives us Naked Foreplay!
Anywhoo, I guess it isn’t supposed to matter, because the whole Seduction Thing was all just a scheme on Damon’s part to get Lexie locked up on the roof, without her sunscreen ring, so he could ditch her self-righteous ass.
But still . . . a little skin would have been nice . . . just sayin’
Feeding Family Style
Back in the present day, Damon’s gabbing on the phone with Stefan, who’s back in Mystic Falls, while Elena is busy getting the FASTEST Hair Color / Cut EVER. (Maybe the hairdresser is a vampire too?)
STEFAN: “Previously, on The Vampire Diaries . . .”
DAMON: “Seriously, isn’t this supposed to be Elena’s job? I don’t want to have to listen to this. What, just because she has her humanity turned off, she gets a free pass on in-script recapping? I’m contacting SAG!”
I like Elena’s new look . . . I do. And in general, I enjoyed Nina Dobrev’s new take on humanity-free Elena this week. She just seemed less robotic, and more mischievous . . . She seemed like she was actually having a good time being bad, for a change.
My one gripe? This Elena seems a lot less like Humanity Free Elena, and more like . . . Regular Katherine, even down to the bigger hair, and more stylish clothes. I have a feeling that this is going to make next week, when the two start sharing the screen again VERY CONFUSING.
But I digress, it turns out that Damon has some ulterior motives for his little Humanity Vacation Road Trip. You guys remember Will from last week?
Well, apparently, he was well known in New York City vampire circles as a Fake ID maker . . . or rather, a Real ID taker, who gave dead people’s ID’s to vampires on the run . . . And I bet you will never guess who Will’s favorite client was . . .
So, Damon’s Master Plan is to hunt down Katherine, swipe The Cure from her fingertips, and shove it down Elena’s throat, along with her morning Blood Breakfast. Sounds easy, right?
The only problem is that Elena’s on to his little scheme, and has some plans of her own for The Cure . . . plans that involve it being given to her Brand New Bestie, instead . . . Rebekah.
Woah! Who ever thought that these two sworn enemies would end up partying together, and drinking from the same neck . . . literally?
Apparently, Damon’s little pep talk to Rebekah, last week, about humans being boring, failed to convince the Original She-Vamp that her future shouldn’t be paved with mortality, and a bevy of Klaus Barbie Babies . . .
Now, I know this makes me a total traitor, but I kind of like the idea of a Human Rebekah. She wants it more than anyone else. Why shouldn’t she get it?
And while I’m still quite positive that this storyline is going to end with the cure inadvertently being shoved down Damon’s throat, I have to admit that I’m with Team Elenbekah on this one . . .
Now, that we know the Teams, we can start keeping score!
Damon, thanks to Stefan’s uncanny ability to remember all his ex-girlfriend’s birthdays, finds a paper in Will’s apartment, listing all of Katherine’s known addresses. (Score 1 for Damon).
Then, Elena seductively brings him on the roof, for what Damon thinks will be some Lexie-inspired nookie, but is actually a game of Back-Pocket snatch and grab (Score 1 for Elena, Score -25 for Delena fans hoping for a little rooftop action from their favorite lovebirds).
But Damon catches on to Elena’s scheme, and pries the paper back from her greedy little hands. (Score 2 for Damon, 1 for Elena).
Then, Rebekah pops up, seemingly out of nowhere, and breaks Damon’s neck!! (Score 69 for Rebekah, Score 2 for Elena, and Score -25 for the temporarily dead Damon).
In the final round, Rebekah, and Elena head off in Damon’s car, with his precious address list, while Damon naps off his death on the rooftop of that seedy New York bar.
(Score 169 for Rebekah and Elena, Score -125 for Snoozing Damon, and Score 1,025 for Lexie, who, somewhere up in Vampire Purgatory, just got the best Poetic Justice of her unnaturally long life . . .)
Talk about Vampire Girl Power!
Binge and Purge – Wiccan Style
“Hey, I just met you. And now you’re crazy . . .”
“So I’ll call all my witch friends . . .”
“And kill you, maybe?”
Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Silas Bushyhead is still Svengali-ing Bonnie into murdering 12 people, who P.S., just so happen to have to be witches.
So dad does what any rational father would do in this situation . . . sends his daughter off in the woods to meet with his vampire ex-wife’s crazy witch friend, and her 11 teen minions?
Is Ridiculously Bad Parenting contagious? Because it definitely seems like an epidemic in Mystic Falls.
As much as I abhor me some Bonnie, even I have to admit the Witch Exorcism scene was pretty nifty, with Bonnie adding white eyeballs to her usual repertoire of Bleeding from the Nose and Whining . . .
Then, Stefan . . . bless his heart, pops on the scene, and says, “WAIT! Stop the exorcism, Bonnie’s working for SILAS!”
To which, The Witch, replies . . . “Eh, no biggie! We’ll just kill Bonnie. We were half way there, anyway . . .”
(Sounds like a plan to me!)
Of course, Stefan’s lame attempt at rescue ended up playing right into Bushyhead’s plans. Because, minutes later, Caroline KILLS the head witch . . .
. . . and all the others immediately fall dead, domino-style (which was also pretty unintentionally hilarious to watch).
And so, the Apocalypse has finally come to Mystic Falls . . .maybe.
Klaus, who earlier in the day gave Caroline a geometry lesson about equilateral Expression Triangles, now gives her another one, about how killing TWELVE witches, and OPENING THE GATES OF HELL, to save one REALLY annoying one, isn’t exactly a fair trade in the scheme of Good versus Evil.
Caroline is SAD. Caroline is VULNERABLE. Caroline wants comfort. In other words, Klaus is SO IN . . .
. . . which is probably why he rejects her ass . . .
Welcome back, Fangbangers! This week on TVD, we got a chance to meet BAAAAAD Elena. For those who are confused, BAAAAD Elena is actually not all that different from Good Elena. She just wears less clothes, and eats more people! (After all, perpetual nudity does cause one to work up an appetite . . . or so I’ve heard.)
Also, in this episode, Klaus, the thousand-year old vampire drawer of ponies, ugly snowflakes, and random shapeless mounds of what look like poop “artist” extraordinaire, FINALLY GOT LAID, thus making him a hero for geriatrics everywhere!
OK, so, it may not have been the most eventful TVD episode ever (or the second most, or even the eighth most). But I guess after the doom and gloom of “Stand by Me,” the writers thought we were in need of something a little lighter . . . like a cheerleading competition!
So, tighten up that high ponytail, puff up your pom-poms, and, for heaven sakes, leave that blue hair ribbon at home, because it’s time to “BRING IT ON!”
[As always, special thanks to Andre for the kickass screencaps. This may be the first time, in a long time that he’s liked an episode more than I did. Go figure!]
Drive-Thru Fast Food
She may be emotion free, and have terrible manners.
But our Bad Elena is an incredible little student. Look how effortlessly she perfected the Katherine and Damon method of Roadside Dine n’ Dash!
One small problem, of course. For an undead girl, Bad Elena makes for a very unconvincing corpse. At least Katherine and Damon bloodied their faces and went easy on the guyliner, for their “Monthly Street Lie-In.” Not only was Bad Elena’s makeup flawless, her outfit unwrinkled, and her hair un-mussed, on her Roadkill Debut, but, for whatever reason, girlfriend decided to lay in the road, SPREAD EAGLED?
It kind of makes you wonder what Bad Elena was supposedly doing, before she was “hit by a car,” to make her “land” in such a precarious position. Cheerleading, perhaps? Or, maybe, something even more “athletic” . . .
Anywhoo, our nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, driver stops to help Roadkill Elena (as all nameless, identity-free, unsuspecting, drivers inevitably do), and ends up with a neck-full-of gore for her trouble.
“Is it Friday yet?”
Have no fear, Nameless, Identity-free, Unsuspecting Driver! Damon Salvatore has arrived to rescue you!
“Elena, darling. Save some room for dessert!”
I mean, sure, you are still probably going to be spending the next month of your life, sporting the ugliest neck hickey in the History of Neck Hickeys. But hey, look on the bright side, at least you still have a neck!
Damon tells Elena to “practice some restraint.” It’s worthwhile noting that this comment that would have been a lot funnier, had it been said by Season 1 Damon . . .
. . . than by Season 4 Damon, who — much to Delena fans’ chagrin — has somehow managed to only have sex with Elena ONE TIME, since this whole Sire Bond storyline crapped on graced our screens.
Season 4 Damon is the Granddaddy of Restraint, at least when it comes to his superhuman ability to nurse these . . .
Coed Naked Elena
Damon drags a bloody faced, perpetually bored looking, but decidedly less hungry, Elena back home. Shortly thereafter, at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Daddy Damon has a “family meeting” with Mommy Stefan, and Judgmental-Older Sister Caroline about how to handle their new unruly vampire baby.
“Are they talking about me? They are totally talking about me, aren’t they?”
Sidenote: I did find myself briefly amused by the fact that, of ALL the houses in Mystic Falls, the SALVATORE water supply, just so happens to be the only one not laced with vervain. Not only is that ridiculously convenient plot wise — how else would we get to see five glorious minutes of Damon singing in the shower, every other episode? — it’s also SUCH a major failure on the part of the Mayor. I mean, Mystic Falls doesn’t seem like that BIG of a town, right? In fact, I’d go as far as to say that at least 15% of the town’s vampire population currently lives, has lived at, or WILL live at La Casa de Rich and Awesome. And THAT’S the house they miss vervaining?
Then again, this guy is related to Bonnie. So, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised . . .
Sorry, to all you Bonnie lovers out there. I’m not sorry.
(Speaking of everyone’s favorite Witch Who Joined the Cult of Silas, girlfriend was notably absent from this week’s cheer festivities, thus proving that Shane/Silas ruins EVERYTHING . . . even extracurricular activities.)
But back to this All-Important Family Meeting, Elena walks in on it, as unruly vampire babies are wont to do. But, here’s the kicker, she’s TOTALLY NAKED . . . which would be a lot more surprising, if we hadn’t seen it in the promos.
Still, it was fun to see the various characters’ reactions, to Elena in her birthday suit. They were embarrassed (Stefan), amused (Damon), and aghast (Caroline) respectively.
By the way, did you notice how Elena’s “It’s not like you haven’t all seen it before” statement included Caroline? Now, THAT would make for a great fanfiction . . .
Before Elena heads off for her first day back to school in about eight episodes since her “dehumanizing,” she and Damon play a quick game of Sire Says. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Sire Says, is a lot the Simon Says game you used to play as kids, except the commands take a lot longer to carry out than your typical, “jump on one leg,” “pat your head, while rubbing your tummy” sort of instructions. Plus, rather than saying the typical “Sire Says,” prior to giving a command, Damon is forced to say something like, “If you really loved me you’d . . .”
(Where have we heard that one before, ladies?)
But here’s the rub. BAAAAAAD Elena doesn’t love anybody anymore, which kind of puts the kibosh on the whole “Sire Bond” thing.
The good news about that, is that Damon can finally sex with Elena, without worrying about it being . . . you know . . . Sire Bond Sex.
The bad news is that, without the Sire Bond to force her to switch her emotions back on, BAAAAD Elena could very well end up being BAAAAD Elena FOREVER . . . or at least until the next Sweeps period . . .
The Quick and the Undead
In non-Elena related news (Who am I kidding? Everything on this show somehow ties back to Elena.) , Hayley (Remember her?) is wandering around some random gas station when some hot, soon-to-be-dead, vampire comes thisclose to making her into a tasty werewolf burger.
And you are never going to guess who saves her?
Wait, yeah you are, because you already saw the episode. It’s Klaus. You see, Katherine wants Hayley dead, because Hayley was a party to Katherine’s plans to steal the cure, and, therefore, might know her whereabouts. And Klaus wants Hayley alive, for the exact same reason. Comprende?
Now, Klaus has two people to mine for information about Katherine’s whereabouts: (1) Hayley, obviously; and (2) the now-dying-of-werewolf bite guy who just tried to kill Hayley on Katherine’s behalf. So, he makes things easier for himself, by sending Damon and Rebekah after the one he doesn’t want to f*&k. Convenient, right?
How’s this for a small world? When Damon finds Hayley’s would-be killer / Katherine’s minion, it turns out that he knows the guy! It’s some hot vamp named “Will” from New York. So, Damon decides to do what any self-respecting vampire would do, when he meets up with an old dying friend from New York . . . he rips his heart out. Nice knowing ya, Hot Will! See ya in next week’s flashbacks!
“Damon, don’t leave me here to die. You’re breaking my heart!”
“Problem solved!”
Also, in not-related-to-Elena news, it turns out that the mystery person whose been gorging on the local hospital blood supply is . . . wait for it . . . SILAS. Be afraid, Scooby Gang! Be very afraid!
Speaking of scary . . .
Cheerleading is a bloodsport . . .
With this odd expression on her face that makes her look like a Stepford Wife controlled by Dr. Evil . . .
. . . Bad Elena politely requests that Cheer Captain Caroline let her back on the cheerleading squad. Cheer Captain Caroline (who, come to think of it, bares a striking resemblance to Cheer Captain Torrence, from the first Bring it on Movie)
. . . thinks this is an AWESOME idea . . . possibly because, in addition to spiking the town’s water supply with Vervain, the Mayor has also spiked it with Stupid.
I mean, seriously, how did Vampire Barbie not realize that this was going to end badly. Hasn’t she ever seen Jennifer’s Body?
Caroline’s questionable judgment aside, Elena is immediately allowed back on the Cheerleading Squad. And, then, literally the next minute, she’s at a cheer competition. Now, that’s impressive. I wonder what poor freshman got [eaten] kicked off the travel squad bus, so that Elena could compete. Perhaps, it was this one . . .
. . . Haven’t seen the generallyuseless and ridiculously annoying perky April Young lately, have we? Wouldn’t it be great if, she somehow ended up being Silas? Just saying . . .
As someone who has attended regional sports competitions in high school, I can tell you, it’s never a good idea to leave your crap on the bus. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS take your crap off the bus, OK? For one thing, those meets are looooooong. You are typically there for hours, and are usually only competing for maybe 7 minutes of that time, if you are lucky. So, you are definitely going to want to have your crap with you while you wait.
“I left my crap on the bus.”
“Haha, moron!”
Also, I’m sure, by now, you’ve noticed that all school buses look alike. So, the chance of you actually locating yours, when your bus driver isn’t smoking in the front seat, are about as likely as TVD hooking up Matt with Klaus, this season. And even if you do find it, there’s about a 95% chance it’s locked up tight, which means you’re not getting in there, until that meet is OVER!
Another reason not to leave your crap on the bus? Elena Gilbert might come there, EAT YOU, and take away your ugly blue ponytail ribbon.
When Caroline finds Elena with a TOTALLY NOT MATCHING WITH HER RED UNIFORM blue ponytail ribbon, she is SUPER PISSED . . . though I’m not sure whether she’s more angry about the whole “eating the competition” thing, or the fact that Elena’s blue ribbon is like totally clashing with the team uniform . . . Whatever, the reason, she gives Elena a piece of her mind.
This, in turn, prompts Elena to let Caroline fall on her ass during Cheer Pyramid time.
“Last time Elena got me on my back, I was having a lot more fun . . .”
Bring it On Torrence would NEVER have stood for that! It’s time for revenge, Caroline. Shove that Spirit Stick right up Elena’s ass . . .
Or, maybe, just have Stefan do that for you. Outside Cheer Town, Stefan responds to Elena’s boredly hitting on him, by vervaining her ass and dragging her back home.
“I think this is the most play I’ve gotten from Elena all season.”
Meanwhile, back at Klaus House . . .
The “Art” of Seduction
Haley is not so much admiring, as, insulting Klaus’ artwork, while Klaus attempts, with only limited success, to extract from Tyler’s former Girl Friday information about Katherine’s whereabouts. Klaus admits that he uses art as a way to exert control over the world around him. Funny, because that’s exactly how Haley uses sex!
Klaus wants Caroline, and information about Katherine (which Hayley might have). Hayley wants Tyler, and information about her long lost family (which Klaus might know, based on his remark about her birthmark). They agree to form an unholy alliance to help one another get what they want. Instead of shaking hands on the deal, like normal humans, Klaus and Hayley decide to screw on it, which, I guess, is like shaking private parts.
All right, now I know a lot of fans have been bitching about the whole Klaus / Haley sexual interlude thing. They say the two actors have no chemistry with one another. They say the whole scene seemed less designed to drive the plot, and more designed to promote the spinoff, The Originals, in which both characters have already been awarded starring roles. They have a point . . .
But, here’s the thing . . . I’m GLAD Klaus finally got laid on camera. For one thing, the audience has gone way too long, without seeing Joseph Morgan shirtless, weird Sesame Street-esque triangle back tattoo, notwithstanding. Are Klaus and Haley a great love match? Absolutely not. But it was starting to stretch the realms of believeability that a hormonally-charged, perpetual 20-something, would remain entirely celibate for two-plus years, all because he “fell in love” with a high school girl. No matter how much Damon loved Elena, he was constantly getting laid, throughout the first three seasons of the series. And if TVD had any sense of realistic character development, that’s exactly what Klaus should have been doing this whole time . . . you know, when he wasn’t plotting World Domination and /or staking his siblings, and/or shamelessly hitting on Stefan . . .
House Party Munchies
Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena tells Stefan that she remembers him being good in bed . . .
. . . but only in a clinical way . . . not in a way that makes her want to marry him, and have his vampire babies .. . because that’s not what BAAAAD Elena is about.
What is BAAAAD Elena about, you ask? PARTIES!
That’s right! Our impressively efficient Evil Elena somehow manages to invite the ENTIRE SCHOOL to Stefan’s house all within her five minute conversation with him. Talk about speed text messaging! She must have learned that from THIS GUY . . .
Damon and Beks arrive at the party, just in time for Damon to tell Klaus Barbie that she shouldn’t really want the cure, because humans are boring . . . well, except for Human Elena, of course . . .
Having survived her brush with Cheer Death, Caroline arrives at the party, SUPER PISSED at her gal pal, Elena. Her and Stefan are very worried about the state of their friend’s soul, indeed. But not worried enough to keep them from DANCING . . . HOLLA!
Despite Stefan having only recently finished sexing up Rebekah, and Caroline only recently having “split” with Tyler (more on that in a bit), these two have been flirting with one another, something fierce lately. Do I smell a future hookup? Elena sure seems to . . .
“Why do I look so jealous? I’m not supposed to have emotions, this week.”
Man, is this group getting incestuous. . .
We interrupt this dating game to bring you Elena trying to EAT CAROLINE’S MOM!
“I knew becoming a cop was a mistake. I should have become a pirate, like I wanted to back when I was a kid.”
Watch it, Elena! You almost killed the only parental figure left alive in Mystic Falls. You’re going to pay . . .
It’s girl fight time! BRING IT ON!
And, once again, the Salvatore brothers must come to the rescue . . .
This used to be my boyfriend’s house (Now it’s my ex-boyfriend’s house)
Poor Caroline! Now, I’ve heard of guys breaking up with girls by voicemail, text message, post-it note, even Facebook / Twitter status update. But I’ve never heard of a guy breaking up with a girl by deeding his house to her ex-boyfriend! Ouch!
And us fans thought JerBear got a bad send off, when his stinky corpse got burnt to a crisp, along with the Gilbert house. Tyler got two minute voice over, in the same episode where Caroline very much looked like she’d already started moving on with Stefan. Now, that’s gotta hurt!
“Dammit! Now, I’ll have to choose from one of the other eight boys on this show currently hitting on me.”
In lighter news, Matt Donovan, Teenage Mansion Owner, just became the RICHEST poor guy, ever!
“I’ll buy a limousine, instead!”
Maybe now, he can finally stop working at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, and start trying to find himself a REAL storyline . . .
Pop Quiz: Where’s the best place to take your now- humanity-free girlfriend on a road trip?
Personally, I’d go with Vegas. I mean, they call it Sin City for a reason, right. Damon, however, opts to bring Elena to New York City, former home of the now literally heartless Will.
In a world where TV Viewers are defined, not only by the shows that they watch, but by the couples they ship while they are watching them, “Amazing Race”-type plotlines, like the one found in this week’s TVD episode, are not only encouraged, they are inevitable! Just like with Real People, competition brings about both the best and the worst attributes of our characters. It highlights their strengths, exposes their weaknesses, and awakens their basest instincts.
Who will win the Race for the Vampire Cure? Who will defeat their adversaries in a Battle to the Death? And who will end up sucking . . . blood? Only time will tell, Fangbangers. Time . . . and this recap, of course!
[Special thanks to Andre, whose snark and awesome screencaps know no bounds!]
Team Hunky Arms and Human Teddy Bear
When we last left the World’s Cutest Ambiguously Gay Duo, Mattykins and Jer Bear, they were in a bar, surrounded by freshly turned newbie vamps.
Silly Matt! Don’t you realize that wearing a varsity jacket to a bar not only tells everyone you are underage, it also tells them you are “not yet legal?”
Jer Bear, aside from occasionally erupting into a murderous rage against his own sister, is still, for all intents and purposes, a “Good Guy.” So, of course, he balks at the idea of killing “innocents.”
This makes Klaus mad!
And when Klaus gets mad, everyone suffers . . . especially Mattykins, who the newbie vamps have just been compelled to believe is a tender juicy steak with eyes, ripe for the chewing.
Run Matt, Run! The Sexy Cabin is waiting!
The “Run Through The Forest” sequence at the beginning of this episode has a fun sort of video game quality to it, in which each of our resident “heroes” takes turns rescuing Damsel in Distress Mattykins from a nameless, faceless, Vampire Zombie Type.
“I feel so used!”
First Jeremy does his “Cross-Bow” thing. Then, Damon does his “Heart Tugging” thing . . .
Then, Elena pops up out of literally nowhere, and does . . . well, whatever it is she does . . .
“Gee thanks, ex-girlfriend! As if the past five minutes haven’t emasculated me enough!”
The video game ends and the sex games begin with Mattykins, Elena and JerBear returning safely to Sexy Cabin. There, the only monsters they will have to battle are the ones they invite inside . . . provided they don’t screw up, and spring for pizza again . . .
Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes
“Our plans are lame, but our hotness makes up for it.”
Back inside Sexy Cabin, Jeremy has regrettably come to the conclusion that, cuddly though he may be, Human Teddy Bear Mattykins is more of a liability than an asset in the Race for the Cure. It’s time to trade him in for an “Older, More Vintage” model . . .
Elena is not entirely cool with this . . . until Damon tells her that she is cool with it. Then, she decides it’s a Great Idea!
So, Damon and Elena have sex!
(Actually, they don’t. But I was annoyed by the lack of Delena in this episode, particularly after their triumphant “I Love You” exchange, last week. And I decided to use a little poetic license. So, sue me!)
Sprawled out on her ex-boyfriend’s bed, and waiting for him to emerge from the shower in all his shirtless, muscle-y, glory, Rebekah probably wishes she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey or Gone Girl, or any other book about dysfunctional relationships that isn’tStefan’s Mopey Diary. Yet, she gallantly endures the tedium of Stefan’s writing. Because, when it comes to the Race for the Cure, knowing thy teammate is almost as important as knowing thyself. And besides . . .
Without a vampire hunter or a witch on their side, Rebekah and Stefan decide that their key to winning the Race for the Cure is finding Silas’ headstone. You know, because hunks of cement beat live human beings any day, and twice on Sundays.
“Go Team Stebekah!”
From the get-go, there’s a lot of sexual tension between these two. They are both really close talkers, and enjoy invading each other’s personal space.
I just haven’t decided yet if that’s because these two have good chemistry with one another, or if they are both just REALLY, REALLY HORNY!
“I didn’t mean to do it! I swear, I thought it was his weiner!”
Team Bloody Nose and Brillo Pad Hair
Oh crap! Are these two staring at candles again?
“It’s just so . . . beautiful! I think I’m going to write an emo song about it.”
Fortunately, Lizard Forbes is on the case. She uses her badge to combat the boredom of Bonnie and Professor Flower Child.
“Scenery chewing is a federal offense. You’re under arrest, douchebag!”
“Cool! I’m getting arrested. This is totally going to up my street cred!”
Honestly, I’m so thankful to Lizard Forbes for saving this scene that it almost makes me forget about that time she tried to have her own daughter killed, just because she turned into a vampire . . .
Bonnie, of course, wants to know why the Lizard has so rudely interrupted her intense game of Candle Staring. To this inquiry, Lizard replies, “Ask your father.”
In the wise words of Yoda, “Thickening . . . the plot is . . .”
I hate to say it, but I think, right now, Kol is the only one on this show with any good sense. I mean, come on . . . “raising the dead,” “curing immortality,” “more powerful than an Original Vampire?” It’s SOOO obvious this Silas guy is being set up as the show’s Next Big Bad, just in time for Klaus to get his spinoff. So why does the entire Scooby Gang seem intent on giving this guy a wakeup call?
(Also, I’m pretty sure Professor Shane is actually a disembodied Silas, whose working to get back into his own body, to re-activate his dormant powers. But that’s neither here nor there . . .)
Anywhoo, Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes head back to the bar to pick up chicks continue their “hunting expedition.”
Hunting Rule 101: When trying to catch your prey by surprise, it’s probably a bad idea to stand under a BIG BRIGHT LAMP, while carrying a HUGE CROSSBOW.
So, this bar . . . it’s not exactly the kind of place you want to toss back a few beers, and sway drunkenly to “Sweet Child of Mine.” For one thing, check out the floor . . .
“Something’s wrong,” remarks Damon, sagely.
Gee! Ya think?
You know what I like to do, when I go to a bar, and the floor looks like that?
Yeah . . . I think that’s probably the normal response. Certainly not, “Let’s go hang out in the freezer,” which is exactly what Jeremy and Damon ended up doing . . .
This is what happens to people who hang out in the freezers of bars with bloody floors . . .
“Chill out, guys! Get it . . . chill? Because we’re in a freezer. Whatever! Socrates and Jesus both thought that joke was hilarious! You millennials have no sense of humor!”
In the freezer, Damon and Jer Bear find That Other Lost Original Who Isn’t Elijah . . .
Wanna get a man to confess to the mass murder of twelve townspeople? Put him in the room with a Really Pissed Off Witch! Bonnie went all Dark Willow on Professor Shane’s ass in the Mystic Falls interrogation room, this week.
And it actually gave me a great idea for a TV show. Think about it. What are the two most popular kinds of television dramas out there today? Police procedurals and Supernatural shows. So, why not combine those two for a show about a witch who uses dark magic to force confessions out of serial killers? Not bad, right?
Except, was I the only one who was a bit disappointed that Bonnie’s first Descent into Evil featured her doing nothing more than setting a small trash can fire, and giving Professor Shane would looked like a Really Bad Case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?
Seriously? Dark Willow would have blasted Professor Dimbulb’s ass to the next century for saying all the crap he was saying about Bonnie’s Grams!
The Bennett witch just gave him a glorified paper cut . . .
“Dammit Bonnie! Now I’ll never be a hand model!”
And yet, I think this scene was important because it foreshadowed two future plotlines: (1) Bonnie’s inevitable descent into Dark Willow 2: The Straight-to-Video Version “Bad Witch” territory; and (2) her developing her own motives for getting the cure, based upon a desire to bring her grandmother back from the dead.
Team Klaus and Elena?
While Caroline was out “shopping,” or whatever the f&*k she was doing throughout this episode . . .
I never said she was, Tyler. Thou doth protest too much?
. . . Matt had the unlucky job of being the Obligatory Delena Doubter of the Hour. There he was, in Elena’s ear, telling our heroine that her boyfriend is BAAAAAAD news . . .
“Payback’s a b*tch.”
We interrupt this “scintillating conversation” for an Important Phone Call . . .
It’s Jeremy! Kol has KIDNAPPED DAMON!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. And Elena actually ends up going to Klaus for help, which is weird on so many levels . . .
“Hey Elena! Come sit on Santa Klaus’ lap, and tell him how much you want the Vampire Cure for Christmas.”
Interestingly enough, Klaus and Elena are actually on the same side, in this instance. Though they each have their own reasons, these two BOTH want the cure, and they BOTH want to keep Jeremy Gilbert alive and safe . . . at least for the time being. So, Klaus agrees to call in a “brotherly favor” on Elena’s behalf . . .
“Sup, bro?”
“Oh, the usual . . . just torturing and manipulating people for my own personal gain.”
“No sh*t! Me too!”
It’s a real testament to Klaus’ stupidity arrogance that he seems to truly believe that he can get Kol to STOP trying to murder Jeremy, just because he asked nicely.
Kol gives Klaus his “word” that he won’t touch Jeremy Gilbert. And he does keep his promise . . . by compelling Damon to kill Jeremy for him . . .
Team ?
More Whisper Talking and Eye F*&ks for these two, as they scope out Professor Nerdy Pants’ office for Silas’ headstone.
Rebekah and Stefan then enter into that age old question that teen dramas cope with, time and time again. Is no frills sex possible, on a consistent basis? One night stands are one thing. But can you repeatedly bone the same individual, without “catching the dreaded feelings” for that person?
Stefan and Rebekah seem primed to test that theory, right there on Professor Needle Weiner’s desk. But then, Some Random Guy comes and grabs Silas’ headstone, which, conveniently, is precisely what Team Lonely Hearts had broken in to find!
The question is, who sent this guy, and what team is HE ON? Unfortunately, Some Random Guy would rather chew off his own tongue, and kill himself than let you find out . . .
This is usually how I feel on Sunday nights . . .
Team Zombie Damon?
“Must . . . Kill . . . Jer Bear . . .”
“But he’s SO CUTE . . . and has really nice arm muscles.”
“Must . . . kill . . . him . . . anyway.”
I always find the concept of vampire compulsion fascinating. You see, unlike humans, vampires KNOW they are being compelled. So, there’s this interesting dichotomy between what they WANT to be doing, and what they are ACTUALLY doing. The moment Damon hunts down Jeremy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, he realizes that Kol has compelled him to murder Jeremy. And yet a part of him WANTS to obey, while the other part is WARNING Jeremy to run away from him, and / or shoot him in the heart. Damon’s babbling on about this like a Crazy Person, as he chases the vampire hunter through that old underground railroad place where Tyler used to do his “Werewolf Transformation Thing.”
It’s a TOTAL Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde conundrum!
Jeremy ends up shooting Damon in the BRAIN, instead of the heart, which only places a temporary bandaid on the problem. (I guess he’s not really a zombie, after all!)
Then, Elena pops up to tell Damon he should fight the compulsion to kill Jeremy because he loooooves Elena so much. “It worked for Stefan,” she helpfully implies . . .
Here’s some helpful advice for you, Elena. Please don’t be one of those girls who always talks about your Old Boyfriend with your New One. Guys hate that! How would YOU feel, if Damon started comparing sex with you to the sex he’s had with the 20,000 other women he’s laid before you?
Exactly!
Also, let’s not compare apples to oranges here. Stefan was able to fight the compulsion to EAT ELENA. That’s very different from fighting a compulsion to EAT ELENA’S BROTHER. Stefan loved Elena. Damon loves Elena. Damon . . . likes Jeremy very much. Hence, these are two totally different situations. Comprende?
Speaking of Stefan, Elena ends up calling him for help. And though he first balks at the idea, Baby Salvatore conveniently arrives in the “forest” just in time to stop the bullet Jeremy shoots toward Damon’s heart AND break his brother’s neck, thereby putting him out of commission long enough for Elena and Jer Bear to make a quick escape.
Since Damon will remain compelled to kill Jeremy, until Kol is either daggered or permanently killed, Stefan ends up draining Damon of blood and locking him in that convenient cage in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where Stefan and Damon always lock each other when one or the other of them is “being bad.”
“Your turn!”
This seems to happen at least once or twice per season . . .
Elena heads over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to check on Damon. Needless to say, Stefan is not happy to see her. And her repeated requests are met with stone cold denial . ..
There still remains the risk that Elena might free Damon, as a result of the sire bond. And Damon will inadvertently kill Jeremy. So, in a sense, Stefan is protecting Elena and Damon from themselves. But that doesn’t mean he’s happy about it.
And Elena, well . . . sometimes, she just doesn’t know when to SHUT UP . . .
She has to go nag Stefan about palling around with his ex, Rebekah, when, really, she should be thrilled that he’s FINALLY moving on, like she already has. She lectures Stefan about his bad attitude . . .
And yeah, we can all see where she’s coming from. Stefan has been acting like a bit of a douche this week . . Why does that make him more attractive to me? Clearly, I have issues.
But for Elena to say that Stefan’s behavior is “out of character” for him, is kind of out of line. After all, the guy is what, 160 some odd years old? And Elena has known him for . . . maybe two of those years? Elena never really knew Stefan as the Ripper, or the depressive, who spent years underground trying to kick his human blood drinking habit cold turkey. And most of all, Elena never knew Stefan as a human, in love with a girl named Katherine Petrova.
So, who is to say what’s “normal” and what isn’t for Stefan? He was in his right, telling her that this is how he looks when he isn’t in love with her . . . even if his words are OBVIOUS lies . . .
This is the “Everybody Loves Elena” show, after all . . .
But Stefan and Damon aren’t the only characters who are having a bad day. Rebekah has a confrontation with Kol, during which she almost daggers him, and HE almost STAKES HER . . . permanently. Ouch!
Though Klaus comes to his siblings rescue, his presence isn’t exactly comforting to Rebekah, especially, when that presence advocates the murder of her own brother . . .
So, Elena has another idea. “Let’s KILL KOL!” She tells Jeremy excitedly.
You know, because directly murdering twelve innocent baby vamps is WRONG. But indirectly murdering 5,000 of them is TOTALLY cool!
Yeah . . . remember back when Elena thought that Kol might be the Daddy of the Sire Line that made Damon and Stefan; and she wanted to protect his life at all costs? That’s OK, neither does she!
“Oh, you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why. Santa Klaus is coming to kill your hybrids . . . and your mom . . . and your romantic relationship . . . and your favorite boots . . . which are now covered in blood . . . because you stepped on some decapitated hybrid . . . while walking through the forest . . . on the way out of town. Anybody have a napkin I could borrow?”
It’s Christmas, Fangbangers! Christmas is a time for time for GIVING, LOVING, and SPENDING TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT. Unless you live in Mystic Falls. In which case, Christmas is a time for MURDER, MAYHEM, BETRAYAL, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND SENDING THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AWAY IN A CAR WITH BONNIE FOR NO F*CKING LOGICAL REASON WHATSOEVER . . .
Let’s recap, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre for all the screencaps you see here. Even though he still thinks I write too much about Delena in my recaps. And it still makes me cry . . .]
I concur Damon. I suspect a lot of the problems I have with this show would cease to exist, if you and your male cast mates spent the entire hour naked . . . Or, rather, they would still exist, but I wouldn’t remember them. Because I’d be too busy staring at your . . .
Yes, I went there. I titled this section “Wanna Come?” And I meant it to mean exactly what YOU think it means.
In my defense, it’s an actual quote from the scene. Also in my defense . . . hey . . . at least SOMEONE should be having fun, because it sure as heck isn’t Damon and Elena . . . at least not in this episode . . .
Yes, boys and girls, we open this hour, just as we opened the last one, with Damon and Elena . . . sort of SPOONING . . . in Damon’s bed. Except, this time, they are fully dressed, and both looking pretty miserable because of it. Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies. Clothes are BAAAAAAAD!
Sleeping in your jeans is really uncomfortable . . . as is sleeping that close to someone who looks like Ian Somerhalder, without jumping his bones . . . or, at least, I imagine it would be uncomfortable. I can’t really say I know from personal experience . . . yet.
Whereas, in the previous episode, we saw Damon wake up HAPPY . . .
Now, he’s kind of broody about the whole “not breaking the sire bond / lying to Stefan” thing. You know what I say to that? “BAH HUMBUG,” that’s what. Hey Damon, do you think all those times Stefan slept with Elena, he spent all his post-coital mornings worried about how crappy it would make YOU feel?
Here’s an idea, Damon. You already did the “wrong” thing, by not breaking the sire bond, when you told Stefan you would. You already FEEL guilty. So, why not take your own advice from a previous episode, and just own your guilt?
It would be more fun for you and Elena, for sure. It also might be more fun for us to watch. But hey, at least we get to see you take your shirt off again . . .
“Just do it,” Elena says, when Damon makes this deliciously naughty overture toward the love of his life . . .
Unfortunately, almost immediately after, Elena puts the kibosh on any and all possibilities of morning sex, by saying she has to go to the lake house with Bonnie, so that the two of them could help Jeremy, you know, not want to murder Elena and Stuff.
“Wanna come?” Elena asks hopefully . . .
WE DO! WE DO! Except you two aren’t letting us! Such teases!
It’s nice to see that Klaus’ plans for World Domination haven’t adversely impacted his passion for Arts and Crafts.
Ponies . . . globs of goo that vaguely resemble poop . . . a cartoonesque picture of the girl he likes . . . a snowflake. Klaus may be over 1,000 years old, but in terms of art appreciation, he still seems to prefer painting a range of subjects that would look right at home on the wall at an Elementary School art fair . . . Maybe that’s why Klaus so much prefers hanging out with teenagers, than with people closer to his own age. You know, like them . . .
Stefan pops by the Klaus House, because there is important Mythology Stuff that must be relayed to the viewers. And the writers secretly hope that the homoerotic allure of seeing Klaus and Stefan eyef*&k one another will help us to forget that this particular part of the show sometimes feels like homework . . .
Blah blah blah, vampire cure . . . blah blah blah hunter’s mark on Jeremy’s arm equals map to cure . . . blah blah blah sword “owned” by Klaus equals legend for map to cure. It’s really nothing we haven’t heard before. But I guess we all need a little refresher course, every once in a while. And like I said, it’s fun to watch these two flirt with one another, even though we know they’ll never really bone, because this isn’t HBO or Showtime . . .
Later on in the episode, Klaus and Stefan share even more warm and fuzzies with one another, as they bond over the fact that they both maintain a Murder Victim Keepsake collection. Stefan writes his victims name on a wall, and Klaus breaks into their homes and steals their letters . . . you know . . . if they ever actually write any . . . and forget to send them.
“Dear Lover. If you are reading this, it means you killed me. So, take this letter and shove it up your ass, you MURDEROUS BASTARD!”
Klaus views this as a sign of shared loneliness.
I view it as a sign of shared psychosis . . . Except, unlike Saint Stefan, at least Klaus doesn’t glue people’s heads back onto their bodies, after he’s chewed off their necks . . .
Same difference I guess. But hey, it could be worse. Klaus could draw ponies for all of his victims.
Meanwhile at Mystic Falls’ Weekly Town Event Where Everyone Dies . . .
The Tale of the Dumbass Martyr
After you’ve been dating someone for awhile, you begin to develop little tricks to coping with his or her . . . idiosyncrasies. Tyler has been dating Caroline long enough to realize that she has a bit of a Freak Out Problem . . .
“I’m not angry! What would make you think I’m angry?”
And this is probably the reason he chooses a VERY public place (i.e. right in the middle of town square) to drop the bombshell on her, that he’s LITERALLY planning on donating his body to Operation Kill Klaus.
“First you go off and live in the mountains for six months, and now this? I’m beginning to think you’re trying to avoid me.”
*whistles uncomfortably*
I don’t know. I mean, if they were planning on dumping Tyler’s body, along with Klaus’ “essence” (whatever that means”), into a vat of concrete, anyway, why not just push Klaus into the vat and be done with it? (It worked on True Blood with Russell Edgington. . . for a half a season, anyway.) Why must the Scooby Gang always needlessly over complicate things? This is why their FAILURE RATE is so high . . .
