I Wanna Sex Ed You Up! – A Recap of Glee’s “Sexy”

During the last episode of Glee, we learned that alcohol is fun.  But if you drink it at school, you WILL projectile vomit all over your friends in a public setting.  And if you drink too much of it, you will drunk dial your ex, or, maybe, accidentally, your greatest enemy, and tell them that you were thinking about boning them, while riding a bull . . .

This week, we learned that sex is fun.  But there are “feelings” involved.  And you shouldn’t make sex tapes, if you are under 18.  Oh, also, wear condoms.  Because everyone has . . . a “RANDOM.”

And they said Glee wasn’t educational!

So, slip into something “more comfortable,” dim the lights, and snuggle up under the covers, with you know WHO . . .

 . . . because it’s time to get “Sexy.”

You Put Your Chastity Charm WHERE?

The episode begins at a meeting of the McKinley High Chastity Club . . . well, I use the term “club” loosely.  Since, at least at the beginning of the episode, the “club” only has three members.  And one of those members pretty much gets humped at least twice every episode . . .

Those balls won’t be blue for LONG!

Emma, the MARRIED 30-year old sex abstainer, seems vehement about fellow members, Rachel and Quinn, avoiding sexual activity for as long as humanly possible.  (Hate to break it to you, Emma.  But for the GIRL WHO HAD A BABY, that ship has sailed . .  . around the world . . . three times . . . and sank into the ocean.)  The problem with Emma’s celibacy speech, is that it seems less designed to keep her students safe, and more designed to keep them virginal, simply so SHE doesn’t feel “left out.”

More inspired than Emma’s speech, however, are the “chastity charms” she gives members of the Celibacy Club, and, it seems, anyone else who wants one.  The charms feature a heart-shaped locket and a key.  Of course, Emma is horrified when she learns that the charms are being used as nipple rings . . .

“Omigod!  They look like cow udders!”

Really, McKinley High students?  Because, honestly, I can think of a WAY more appropriately symbolic place to hang your chastity charm than on your boob, if you catch my drift . . .

In the student lounge at lunch time, Emma complains to Will and Beiste about the alarming sluttiness of the student body.  Cue the very slutty entrance of Holly Holiday a.k.a Gwyneth Paltrow a.k.a. McKinley High’s New Substitute Sex Ed Teacher . . .

Now, cue the 21-Gun Salute that takes place in Will’s pants . . .

Like Emma, Holly is also concerned with her students’ relationship with sex, namely, their lack of knowledge about it.  Through a flashback, we see Holly showing her class how to put a condom on a cucumber.  “Wait . . . cucumbers can give me AIDS?” Finn inquires nervously.

Beware the Evil Aids-Giving Cucumber.

Emma and Holly then get into an argument about the proper way to teach kids about sex.  Emma believes in NOT teaching them, and, instead, preaching abstinence.  Holly argues that celibacy for teens and married 30-year old guidance counselors is simply not realistic.  However, if you are open and honest with students about sex, they can make better decisions relating to it.  Holly then tells the crew that she is “off to have crazy sex, because she is crazy informed about it.”

Upon hearing this, Will gets down on all fours, and starts panting like a dog . . .

Schuester LIKE!

OH NO!  NOT ANOTHER PREGNANCY STORYLINE!  Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.

Back at school, Santana wants to spend an evening sharing Lady Kisses and watching Sweet Valley High with Brittany, even though I’m pretty sure that show hasn’t been on television in about 10 years.  (Maybe one of the Glee writers was a fan?)  But, unfortunately, Britt can’t hang, because she thinks she’s pregnant . . .

“OH NO, NOT AGAIN!”

Of course, rumors of Britt’s Shocking Pregnancy spread around the Glee club, like wildfire.  But when Brittney explains that the REASON she think she’s pregnant is that there is a “stork’s nest outside her bedroom window,” Will comes to the shocking realization that Holly was right.  His students are TOTALLY clueless about sex!  And so, he puts on a ridiculous-looking leotard, and asks Holly for help.  (Note:  I couldn’t find a a screencap of Will in his nut-hugger.  Suffice it to say, he looked a lot like this . . .)

Holly decides that singing a sexual song to the Glee kids, while dressed in a trampy outfit, and humping chairs, is the best way to teach them the birds and the bees. 

So, after a very brief introduction .  . .

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 . .  . she launches into a rockin’ rendition of the song “Do You Wanna Touch Me?” 

The moral of this song, of course, is McKinley High apparently has NO school dress code whatsoever wear a RUBBER,  BOYS!  Because everyone has “A Random!”

Practice Makes Perfect Sex Faces . . .

We find Blaine and Kurt at . . . SURPRISE . .  . the coffee shop!  (Man these two consume a lot of caffeine!)  Sue Sylvester stalks them there, and inexplicably tells them that they have to sing a sexy song in order to be relevant to the episode’s theme the McKinley High kids are upping their sex appeal.  So, if the Warblers want to win Regionals, they will have to do the same . . .

But what do the Warbler boys know about being sexy?  After all, most of them haven’t seen a FEMALE in about four years, let alone “wet hugged” one!  So, Blaine decides to invite over some females from the local girl school to “test the waters” . . .

I bet there are about EIGHT porno films that begin just like this . . .

With their human sexy barometers in place, the Dalton boys begin rocking out to “Animal” . .  . and . . . SURPRISE . . . Blaine’s got the solo . . . again!  But wait . . . Kurt’s there too!

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But . . . why does Kurt look like he has to pee?

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Perhaps, it has something to do with all the water . . .  and foam . . . and Warbler “Wet Hugs” . . .

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You can watch the Warblers, in all their humpy, soapy, animal-y goodness, right here:

After the number, Kurt and Blaine are alone together again. (Does anyone else notice how, ever since Kurt arrived at Dalton, Blaine has stopped hanging out with any of the other Warblers?  Interesting  . . .)  Blaine starts having hot horny bunny sex with Kurt wants to know why Kurt was making all those weird faces during the performance?  Kurt explains that those were his “sexy” faces.  So, Blaine asks to see them up close, so that he can judge for himself . . .

Unfortunately, for Kurt, his “sex faces” don’t really make Blaine want to give him a “Wet Hug.”   Rather, they remind him of someone who has gas . . .

For what it’s worth, I disagree with Blaine.  I think Kurt’s “Sex Face” looks more like a cross between Derek Zoolander . . .

 . . . and Charlie Sheen . . .

Either way . . . NOT SEXY!

The problem, of course, is that Kurt has NO sexual experience, whatsoever.  I mean, his idea of a hot porno is the Dalton Academy’s production of Sound of Music . . .

Blaine figures,  if he ever plans to “Wet Hug” with Kurt, he’d better nip this issue in the weiner . . . FAST.  And so he attacks the problem at its source, by visiting Kurt’s dad . .  .

Blaine starts by telling Burt how envious he is of the great relationship he and Kurt share.  (I think most of us are a bit envious of that, actually.)  Then he lets the other shoe drop.  If Burt doesn’t hurry up and give Kurt the “birds and the bees ” talk, there’s a good chance that his son will learn about sex from boning Blaine by watching those Eating Out movies they are always showing on the Logo channel, late at night . . .

As a straight girl, can I tell you?   These are SO HOT!  (The acting is usually crap, of course.  But, let’s be honest.  That’s not why you’re watching.)

So, Burt, being the kickass dad he is, goes out and picks up some pamphlets.  And then he tells his son that it’s time for The Talk . . .

Needless to say, Kurt is not particularly receptive, at first.  But then Burt reigns him in by giving him the BEST SEX TALK EVER!  I mean seriously, if I ever have kids, THIS is the Sex Talk, I’m going to give them . . . well . . . maybe a slightly modified version . . .

Here are the highlights:

“You know, when you’re intimate with somebody in that way, you’re exposing yourself.  You’re definitely going to be more vulnerable. And that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. . . . Once you start doing this stuff, you’re not going to want to stop. You just . . . You’ve got to know that it means something.  It’s doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem.  Even though it feels like you’re just having fun.  Kurt, when you’re ready, I want you to be able to do everything.  But when you’re ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you matter, Kurt.”

All together now, “AWWWWWWWWWWWW!”

(Did you ever wish you could hug someone through your television screen?  Because that’s what I wanted to do to Burt Hummel, after this scene was over.)

In other Sexy news . . .

“You’ve just been Zized!”

So, Puck wants to star in a sex tape .  . .

. . . with Lauren Zizes . . .

Apparently, this is all part of  Lauren’s “big plan” to be “famous,” like the “Kardashians,” and have her “own reality show” with a “clever tagline” :  “You’ve just been Zized.”

The most bizarre part of this whole storyline for me (aside from the obvious, of course) was that Puck and Lauren “researched” their sex tape, by watching other sex tapes on the internet in the SCHOOL LIBRARY.  (Public School FAIL!)   They also conveniently told Ms. Holiday about their plans, when she caught them in the act . . . of watching the tapes.  (What did you think I was going to say?)

Holly helpfully informed the budding new couple that, if they made a sex tape, they would both be guilty of CHILD PORN.  Having been accused of being a creepy pedophile by his OWN SEX ED teacher, a clearly traumatized Puck finds himself, for the first time in his life, NOT WANTING TO HAVE SEX!

You would think that GETTING A GIRL PREGNANT last season would have the same effect on him  . . . but no.

So, Puck joins the Celibacy Club . . .

 . . . which seriously pisses off his horndog girlfriend . . . that is, until she learns that he “like, cares about her . . . and stuff.”

PUCK:  “Haha, my evil plan has worked!  I am so getting laid tonight!”

Meanwhile . . .

Boys are like Wasa Crackers.

Best . . . product placement . . . EVER!

Ahhh . . .  Will Schuester . . .  such a martyr.  Once again he is trying to get laid . . . to educate his students, of course!  So, being the “Swell Guy” he is, The Schue commandeers Holly for a little musical number, specifically, a tango, to the tune of Prince’s Kiss . . .

You can tell immediately that Will is extremely aroused during this performance.  For starters, his singing voice gets so high that you literally can’t tell it apart from Holly’s.  (Yes, I realize that Prince, himself, had a high voice.  And that this was the whole point of the musical number . . . But I still found it bizarre.  Sorry!)

The dancing was pretty hot, though!  Watch, and you’ll see what I mean . . .

After the number, Will takes the opportunity to ask a sweated up Holly Holiday on a date.  And she TURNS HIS ASS DOWN!

“I break Nice Guys like you, like Wasa Crackers,” Holly explains.  “You married your high school sweetheart, and then went out with a virgin,” Holly notes, adding insult to injury.   (You’ve got to admit.  Girlfriend’s got a point!) 

Speaking of virgins . . .

Emma has herself an Afternoon Delight . . .

Concerned that Holly’s teachings are only offering teens one viewpoint about sex, Emma decides to lead the Celibacy Club in their own musical number, to illustrate an alternate way of thinking.  With the help of Rachel, Quinn, new Celibacy Club member, Puck, and her new husband, Carl,  Emma performs “Afternoon Delight.”

Watching this not-very-good musical number, I must admit that I was . . . confused.  To give you an idea of  just how confused I was, here are some of the recapping notes I took, during the performance:

-Why are they singing Afternoon Delight?  Is the choice of song supposed to be ironic in some way?  Wouldn’t a song like Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” a.k.a. A Cautionary Tale About Car Sex, be more appropriate for this purpose?

-Why are there pictures of dessert in the background?  That’s kind of kinky!

-Why are they dressed like THAT?

-Why is Emma so friggin annoying?   I kind of feel like the Emma character unintentionally functions as the Poster Child for Teen Sex.  In other words, “have sex young, or you will end up like Emma.”  Way to send positive messages, GLEE!

Of course, after the musical number, all is explained.  (Well . . . almost all.)  You see, apparently, Afternoon Delight, is not just a euphemism for “sex on your lunch hour,” it is also . . . a DESSERT, which, when you think about it, is kind of fitting! 

Later, Carl and Emma decide to visit Holly for some much-needed “couples’ counseling.”

As it turns out, these two have been married for HALF A YEAR, and still have NEVER HAD SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER!  See what I mean . . . about the whole Giving Virgins a Bad Name thing?  I mean, “waiting until marriage” is one thing . . . waiting until your Golden Anniversary, is quite another.  In the words of Jesse from Full House, himself.   “Have MERCYYYYYY!”

I’ll admit I made this exact same face, while I was watching this scene.

Holly perceptively figures out that Emma’s longstanding love for Will, might be the glue that’s keeping her legs together.  When Holly suggests as much to Emma, the latter can’t deny it.  The realization forces Carl to storm out of the room, and possibly the marriage . . . something a Smart Guy would have done SIX MONTHS AGO . . .

“I could have told him THAT!”

In completely unrelated news, that doesn’t fit anywhere else in this recap . . .

 . . . these two doofuses are making monkey again.  (I wonder where SHE hung HER Chastity Charm?)

Speaking of making monkey . . .

Brittana Experiences a Landslide of Emotions

Last we checked, Brittany was dating Artie.  And Santana was dating Sam.  But that’s not stopping these two former Cheerios from boning in Santana’s bedroom on a fairly regular basis . . .

But don’t worry, guys!  It’s not cheating, if the “plumbing is different!”  At least, that’s what Santana says!  (Speaking of which, I have a clogged toilet that needs fixing.  Now, I know who to call!)

In a surprisingly coherent post-coital moment, Brittany complains to Santana that all they do is bone.  And they never talk about their feelings.  But Santana is not exactly the sharing type.  And she tells Brittany as much.  Nevertheless, the girls decide to visit Holly Holiday for their own version of couples’ counseling.   So, Holly plops the pair down in a Sexy Sharing Circle . . .

. .  . and asks them if they think they might be lesbians.  The Sharing Scene, by the way, is accompanied by Rotating Camera Shots, which always make me dizzy and slightly nauseous.  This scene was no exception.  (WHY MUST SHOWS ALWAYS DO THIS?  WHY?!)

Anywhoo . . . since the girls can’t articulate their feelings for one another, Holly suggests they sing about it.  And they do . . . with Holly’s help, of course. Because, apparently, it is in Gwyneth’s contract that she must perform at least three musical numbers during each Glee episode in which she appears to prove that she is a “Real Artist” . . . or something.  So, Holly sings “Landslide,” while the two besties exchange tearful and longing looks with one another.  It’s kind of heartbreaking, really.

At the end of the number, Brittany and Santana share a hug, laced with emotion and symbolism . . .

Upon seeing this, Sam turns to Artie and says that he wishes that the two of them can have a relationship as close as the one their respective girlfriends share . . .  (And you’ve gotta love the latent homoeroticism in THAT!)

After class, Santana confronts Brittany by the lockers.

She then tearfully explains to Brittany that she loves her, and wants to be with her, and ONLY her.  In fact, Santana has wanted this for a long time, but was afraid of what people would say about her behind her back, if she submitted to these desires.  Brittany admits to Santana that she loves her too, and would totally be with her . . . if it weren’t for Artie.

Oooops!

“Whoever thought being fluid would mean you could be so stuck,” Santana explains morosely.

Brittany then moves in to hug her again, but a heartbroken Santana pushes her away. 

It was a powerful scene.  One that was beautifully acted by both Naya Rivera and Heather Morris.  It’s refreshing to see these two actresses finally getting the chance to display themselves as more than just The Comic Relief.  And I hope we get to see more scenes like this between them in the future.

In other news, Will and Holly made out at the end of this episode.  Now, they are dating.  Zzzzzzzzzzzz  Yippee!

Next week on Glee, New Directions heads to Regionals with “Original Songs.”  You can watch the promo for the episode here:

See you then, my fellow Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Drunk People . . . Singing – A Recap of Glee’s “Blame it On the Alcohol”

Sunglasses = The Ultimate Hangover Accessory

This week’s installment of Glee was kind of like a weekend-long, alcohol-fueled bender.  It was random, plot-free, only mildly coherent, embarrassing, vomit-filled, and, yet . . . at the same time . . . AWESOME!

So, fill up those shot glasses, turn on some Ke$ha, and get ready to make out with someone completely inappropriate, because it’s time for a GLEECAP!

Everybody in the School, Get Tipsy!

When the episode begins, Principal Figgins (or, as I like to call him, The Fig) is, once again, in need of Mr. Schuester’s help.  Apparently, McKinley High’s alcohol content has recently skyrocketed to Charlie Sheen-type levels.  The entire student body is walking around blitzed on Four Loko, cheap beer, and Mike’s Hard Lemonade (a.k.a. The Good Stuff).  To combat this trend, The Fig wants The Schue and his Glee kids to perform a song about “the Dangers of Drinking” at the school’s “Alcohol Awareness Assembly.”

Normally, The Schue would welcome this opportunity!  The problem is that lately he has become DEPRESSED.  And, why not?  He’s lonely and divorced.  The object of his affections is house hunting with her faux-husband, Jesse from Full House (Have MERCY!).  And .  . . well . . . actually, I’m not sure what it is about THIS week that is making Will so much more miserable than usual.  I mean, his life is the same degree of sucky that’s it’s been for about four episodes now!  But it’s important to the plot that he be “depressed.”  So, we’ll deal . . .

Always one to rub Will’s face in things, Sue materializes to tell Will that Alcohol Awareness Week will most certainly send our favorite Spanish Teacher straight to the Drunk Tank.

Now that you mention it Sue, a Rehab-themed episode of Glee would be FABULOUS.  Just imagine all the Special Guest Stars we’d get to see!

But enough about those BORING teachers!  We want to see some GLEE KIDS GET WRECKED!

Rachel Berry’s House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza!

Poor Rachel!  She had such good intentions.  There she is, just minding her own business, trying to create an original song for Regionals, when a (very hot) Mohawked-devil LITERALLY appears on her shoulder, and tries to convince her to throw a party at her house, while her two dads are on vacation.  Rachel initially rebuffs Puck’s offer.  But there’s nothing like a Really Bad Musical Performance to drive our diva heroine straight to the bottle . . .

Truth be told, Rachel’s “Original” single, “My Headband,” probably isn’t going to make it on to the Top 100 Itunes Downloads this week.  And yet SOME might have found it inspiring!

Unfortunately, for Rachel, Finn is more of a pigtail-type guy, and, therefore, doesn’t show Rachel’s ode to headgear the love that it deserves.  Rachel realizes that the reason she can’t come up with an “inspired” original song is that she has no “life experience.”  She has never even TASTED ALCOHOL BEFORE!  And so, our girl decides to throw a house party, after all, and invite “all of her friends” i.e. the Glee Club and Blaine.

The Glee crew is skeptical at first, as to whether Rachel will truly be able to “throw down” with the rest of them.  And yet, they all ultimately decide to attend, looking forward to the Massive Trainwreck that will inevitably result .  . .

Doesn’t this screenshot kind of look like one of those Sex Hotline ads you usually see on TV at 3am?  Justin sayin’

As expected, the party gets off to a pretty lame start, with Rachel, clad in a what looks like my grandma’s nightgown, pawning off wine coolers on her guests, and threatening to involve them in a game of “Celebrity.”

Oh, Rachel!  Hasn’t having two gay dads taught you ANYTHING about fashion?

Once Puck convinces Rachel to let him break into the liquor cabinet, however, things pick up, rather quickly.

We are treated to a fun little Drunk Party Montage, to the tune of Far East Movement’s G6, as Designated Driver Finn generously gives us all a tutorial on the “Different Types of Drunk People.”  (Who said you couldn’t learn anything from Glee?)

Which type are YOU?

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Angry that Finn has dubbed her Needy Drunk, Rachel sets out to prove how very UN-needy she is, by setting up a game of Spin the Wine Cooler Bottle.  To everyone’s surprise, the hottest kiss of the night actually belongs to . .  RACHEL AND BLAINE?

Sexual orientation aside, these two are actually kind of smokin’ together.  For one thing, they look like FRATERNAL TWINS! (Wait .  . . ewwww . . . nevermind.  That’s not awesome AT ALL!) 

Honestly, am I the only one who thinks Drunk Blaine and Drunk Rachel are WAY MORE FUN, and WAY LESS ANNOYING / JUDGEMENTAL than Sober Blaine and Sober Rachel?  I didn’t think so .  . .

“Your face tastes awesome,” slurs Rachel in Blaine’s ear.  (YAY, Cannibalism!)

After swapping spit and gnawing on one another’s faces for a good twenty seconds, while a dejected Kurt looks on miserably, Rachel and Kurt segway immediately into an impromptu duet of The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me?” 

Considering how COMPLETELY FUBAR-ed these two individuals supposedly are, the resulting performance is surprisingly good!  See for yourself . . .

Unfortunately, we don’t get to actually see the rest of the party.  However, we can assume that the night went pretty well, when we see Kurt’s dad Burt (who NEVER TAKES OFF HIS BASEBALL CAP, by the way.  What’s up with that?) barge into Kurt’s bedroom the next morning, only to find THIS GUY in there  . . .

“WAY TO GO, KURT!  (My son is a TOTAL PIMP!)”

“The Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass”

Despite the party having taken place on Friday night, the Glee kids are all conveniently still completely hungover by Monday.  (LIGHTWEIGHTS!)  The experience of being hungover has somehow converted Artie into Chris Rock.  So, he informs the rest crew, in a RIDICULOUS accent, that they should all join him for some Bloody Marys, a.k.a. “The  Hair of the Dog that Bit Yo Ass.”

Cut to the once-again inebriated Glee kids performing “Blame it on the Alcohol” for Mr. Schue in the school auditorium, while swaying back and forth on Rotating Red Leather Furniture(?).  Seriously?  What kind of BUDGET does the Glee Club have that they get these type of props?  At my high school, musical performances in the auditorium always featured the exact same scenery:  Hand-Drawn Smiley Faces on Posterboard . . .

The Schue, who apparently has NO SENSE OF SMELL WHATSOEVER, and is also a moron, can’t tell his own students are wasted.  They are just REALLY GOOD ACTORS.  (De-Nial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Schuester!)  And yet, Will wonders whether this Jaime Foxx ditty glorifies drinking a bit TOO much to be performed at the Alcohol Awareness Ceremony.

You be the judge .  . .

The Schue Gets Sloshed

Tired of listening to Will’s nonstop “wah-wahing” about how sucky his life is (Aren’t we ALL?), The Schue’s new bestie, The Beiste, decides to take the Glee Club advisor out for a night of hard drinking, bull riding, and cheesy line dancing.  The pair even get up on stage and sing a duet of that countrified ode to wasted-ness, “One Bourbon, One Shot, One Beer.”

This would all be well and good, except for the fact that Will still has Spanish tests to grade . . .

“Que HAGO Uds.?”  “Yo ESTOY el hermano de Pepe?”  YO NO THINK SO!

After giving all his CLEARLY illiterate Spanish students A+’s on their exams  (I am SO transferring to this school!), Will makes the same fateful mistake many of us unfortunately make after a night of endless boozing and faux-soul searching.  Of course, I am referring to . . . THE DRUNK DIAL!

“Emma?  I luuuuuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!“

As luck would have it, the following morning, when a VERY hungover, also sunglasses wearing (Product Placement much?) Schuester arrives at school and confronts Emma about his belligerent late night phone call, she has no idea what he’s talking about. 

“PHEW!  Now THAT would have been embarrassing . . .”

Then again, maybe he’s NOT so lucky, after all . . .

“You want to put your   . . . WHAT . . . in my . . . WHAT?”

In sober-er news .  . .

Ring Around the Closet . . .

Poor Little Ornery Kurt!  He’s not exactly having the best episode.  First, he made the mistake of STAYING SOBER at Rachel’s party.  So, he had his full faculties, when he had to watch the man of his dreams make out with his new gal pal.  Then, his dad read him the riot act about having Blaine sleep over, despite the fact that the dude was so wasted, Kurt didn’t even get to COP A FEEL!  Kurt accuses his dad of having a double standard, regarding the whole sleepover issue.  “If Finn had PUCK sleepover at the house, you wouldn’t care!”  Kurt whines.

*sigh*  A Finn and Puck sleepover . . . I’ve had dreams about this .   . .

Burt gently reminds Kurt that his analogy is a POOR one.  While Burt wouldn’t care if Finn had PUCK sleepover, he WOULD care if Finn had Quinn or Rachel sleepover.  (Does that mean KURT can have Rachel sleepover, without his dad getting mad?  I mean, it’s only fair, right?) 

“I watched all of Brokeback Mountain.  Now, I don’t know much about gay stuff, but I’m pretty sure something went on in that tent,” Burt notes wryly . . .

*sigh* Memories!

Ultimately, the father / son duo come to a compromise.  Kurt will ask Daddy, before having any possibly gay dudes sleep with him (a.k.a. any guy in Glee Club).  In return, Burt will school himself on the wonders of male-on-male sex, just in case Kurt happens to “have any questions” on the topic.  (Oh, Burt!  I have a WHOLE LIST of really great movies I can recommend for you on this topic.  Just call me, OK?)

But Kurt’s dad is the least of his problems.  Kurt also has to worry about the fact that a ONCE AGAIN drunk (My, they sure fall off the wagon fast on this show!) Rachel has asked Blaine out on a REAL date, post kiss.  And Blaine has accepted!

“And we can play Barbies, and watch The Care Bears Movie, and you can braid my hair, and play with my dollhouse .  . .”

Kurt sees Blaine’s acceptance of a date with Rachel as a blatant rejection of Kurt homosexuality.  Blaine argues that he is just not that into him “confused” about whether he’s into dudes, chicks, or both, and that Kurt should stop chasing after him like a wounded puppy be more understanding.  Then Blaine ends the conversation, just as any straight manly man would, by sticking his tongue out, flipping his hair, and strutting off, in a huff . . .

That night Kurt stops by Rachel’s house to ask stalkerish questions about Blaine, and interrogate her about the Infamous Date the two shared help her clean up the basement, after the big party.  To Kurt’s chagrin, the pair actually had a great time.  Kurt “kindly” tells Rachel that she is destined to a be a perpetual  . . . forgive the expression . . . “Fag Hag” to gay guys pretending to be straight, starting with Blaine.  Now, if I were Rachel, I would of SLAPPED Kurt in the face for saying that to ME!  (Even though, let’s face it, it’s probably true .  . . for Rachel at least.) 

I love how, in this screencap, you can clearly see the bra Brittany was wearing earlier, at the party, hanging on the wall, behind Rachel and Kurt . . . It’s all about the details!

But Rachel, to her credit, refuses to be bullied by Jealous Kurt, and his pronouncements of doom and gloom.  She vows to kiss Blaine sober, thereby proving, once and for all, that the Warbler, is, in fact, in love with her.  After all, she is not about to pass up the opportunity to have “A New Musical Boyfriend” and . . .  eventually, “vaguely Eurasian-looking babies.”  I mean, can you blame her?

The next day, at the coffee shop, as Kurt creepily looks on, Rachel plants another smackeroo on the Blainester .  . .

Blaine’s reaction?  “Yep, I’m gay,” replies the Head Warbler, before exiting the coffee shop.

WOW!  Insensitive much?  Who knew gay guys could be such D-bags?  Fortunately, Rachel takes the rejection in stride.  Besides, being dumped by a gay guy in the middle of Starbucks is GREAT song-writing material.  Even, Rachel’s headband would agree!

Source

I Didn’t Know Vomit Could be That Color . . .

Looks more like Wet Cement . . . actually.

It’s the day of the Alcohol Awareness Assembly, and the Glee kids are unusually nervous about their performance of Ke$ha’s (or, as The Fig calls her “Ke Dollar Sign a”) rousing alcoholic anthem “Tik Tok.”  Fortunately, Rachel has come bearing courage-fabricating “refreshments.”  Said “refreshments” apparently include the REST of the contents of her dads’ liquor cabinet, all poured into one big yummy vat . . . along with cough syrup . . . and some crushed up Oreos . . .

Mmmmm . . .  Yummy!

Led by Ke$ha lookalike Brittany, and her criminally short-shorts, the Glee kids give a performance that starts off rather well, and ends in . . . for lack of a better word, Vomitpalooza 2011.

“Everybody drink responsibly,” slurs Brittany at the end of the performance, before rushing off for an intense session of Oreo Cookie Tossing and Porcelain God Praying.

You can enjoy the Glee kids, in all their pukey splendor, RIGHT HERE . . .

To add insult to vomit-covered injury, the next day, Sue decides to broadcast Will’s drunk dial to Emma across the student loudspeaker, during morning announcements.  (Poor Will!  He must not have very many friends AT ALL, if “Sue’s” name comes anywhere near “Emma’s” in his Cell Phone Contact List.)

Usually, on television shows like this, “Drunk Declarations of Love” are surprisingly romantic, eloquent, and poignant.  Not so here!  Kudos to Glee for showing the world what REAL DRUNK DIALS sound like: disturbing, stalkerish, and incredibly creepy.

  “Bring some wine coolers to my place, and we can get busy together ALL night . . . I rode a bull tonight, and when I was riding it, I was thinking of YOU,” slurs Will into his phone.  (Ummm  .  . . ew?)

“Awwww, you think I look like a Mechanical Bull!   That’s the sweetest thing anybody’s ever said to me!”

But just in case you were worried that our Glee kids and Will would experience repercussions for their bad behavior, worry not!  The Fig LOVED IT!  Thanks to the Glee kids barf, and Will’s humiliation, no one wants to be drunk in school anymore. 

Uhhhh  . . . your welcome?

In fact, The Fig is so grateful to the Glee club for their effort, he gives them all coupons to buy yogurt!  Because that’s the first thing you want to eat, after you’ve vomited up your insides . . . mushy, chunky, globule, yogurt  . . .

That afternoon, at Glee club practice, The Schue makes all the students sign pledges promising to stay sober through Nationals.   However, he also gives the crew his cell phone number, so that, in case they DO end up getting wasted, he can come pick them up from whatever dark alley they decide to shoot heroine in.

Can I get that number too, Will?

And that’s all she wrote!  Be sure to tune in two-weeks from now, when The Schue FINALLY takes a break from whining and complaining about how miserable his life is, in order to rock out to some Prince songs, and bang Gwyneth Paltrow.  Good times!

See ya then!

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Taming of the Screwed – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “War at the Roses”

OMFG! 

Three words.  Ten letters.  HOT . . . HATE .  . . SEX.

This week, sexually frustrated Gossip Girl fans everywhere FINALLY got the vicarious release they’ve all been waiting for, since the Season 4 premiere.

There’s nothing like a little Birthday Sex, to kick off your twenties with a BANG!

So, now that we’ve all been . . . ahem . . . satisfied . . . let’s take a look back at how everything “went down,” shall we?

“Coffee is the thing you pay for, before you go have sex.”

Come on, Gossip Girl writers!  How naive do you think WE ARE?  A Celibate Serena?  Talk about an Oxymoron!  I mean that would be like a Classy Jenny . . .

. . . or an Interesting Vanessa . . .

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . . .  Sorry.  I just fell asleep looking at that picture . . .

Anyway, everyone KNOWS that Serena is absolutely incapable of withholding sex from a man.  Might I remind you of the widespread panic that took over Manhattan a few weeks back, when Serena was thought to have an STD?

Nonetheless, this week, we are led to believe that Serena is preserving her nonexistent“virtue” with Professor Colin . . .

 . . . at least, until she completes his course in Tantric Sex Psychology of Marketing.  And so, the couple-supposedly-yet-to-“couple” meets each morning for “coffee and conversation.”  However, since the only words Serena knows how to “converse” with end in “_uck,” “_crew,” and “_ang,” these sessions never seem to last more than a few minutes . . .

When Serena tells Blair about her hot and foamy rendezvous with Professor Sugar, No Cream, Queen B is “morally aghast” (as she is about once per episode) with her friend’s teacher-mounting ways . . .

“I am morally aghast!”

“Coffee is the thing you pay for, before you go and have sex,” lectures Blair (and she would know . . .).

Blair wisely instructs Serena that she should stop licking cream off her Studly Business Professor, if she cares at all about her education.  Not liking Blair’s advice one bit, Serena (who’s obviously a MORON, and clearly has selective amnesia), seeks comfort from the girl trying to RUIN HER LIFE, Juliet . . .

“This is just too friggin EASY!”

Upon learning that Serena is “involved” with her professor, Juliet immediately recognizes an opportunity to bring about Blondie’s downfall.  And so, Juliet “kindly” suggests to Serena that if the Professor is not getting his “cream and sugar” from Serena, he is most certainly getting it from somewhere else.  As if on cue, Serena spies Colin escorting a rather attractive woman out of her cab, and into his house.

“I am so spitting this FOAM in your FACE, the next time I see you, Professor Scumbucket!”

A perturbed Serena stomps right up to Colin’s door, ready to catch him in the act.   However, when she gets inside, Serena sees that the Professor’s “lady friend” is wearing an apron and carrying a broom. 

“Oh, Professor!  You are such a Dirty Boy!  A nice sponge bath will clean you right up!”

Somehow, Colin manages to convince Serena that the lady currently “cleaning his clock” and “dusting his balls trophies” is his housekeeper, and not his lover .  . .  Nonethless, Serena, recognizing the extent of her own jealousy (but not her idiocy), decides to put a stop to “Office Hours” and “Coffee Time” with Professor Maid Humper until the end of the semester.

And yet, avoiding Professor Stud Muffin will be easier said than done — especially when both he and Serena are scheduled to attend Blair’s 20th Birthday party, the following evening  . . .

Speaking of things that are easier said than done . . .

“I guess this is goodbye.”

Not believing their friends Chuck and Blair to be capable of staying “true” to their “truce” on their own, Nate and Serena agree to put aside their own differences, and broker a “Peace Treaty” between the uncoupled- couple. 

CHUCK: “In the spirit of peace, if you give me the Standard on weeknights, I will give you The Carlyle for the entire Christmas Season.”

BLAIR:  “Done.  But I want an addendum that you can’t bed hostesses from the roster of restaurants I frequent.”

While the words coming out of our hero’s and heroine’s mouths are pure business, their body language is a bit more . . . suggestive.  Lips are licked.  Collars are fidgeted with.  Fingers are ran through hair.  Legs are crossed and uncrossed.  Necks and chins are stroked amorously. 

Oh, yes, boys and girls!  There is some SERIOUS sexual tension in the air!  “There is just one last point to negotiate . . . in private.  Attorneys, you are dismissed,” Blair says pointedly, throwing serious F*ck Me Eyes in Chuck’s direction.

(Photo provided by ChuckandBlairthePerfectPair  – check them out for all the latest GG promos, stills, production intel and spoilers!)

Unfortunately, we don’t get to see what went on between Chuck and Blair during the last few moments of Treaty Negotiations.  (I, personally, like to imagine them cementing the terms of their agreement, by screwing like bunnies . . .

 . . . but that’s just me.)

The next time we see Chuck and Blair, they are leaving the “conference” and heading toward their respective limosines.

“I guess this is goodbye,” says Chuck, with more than a bit of uncertainty, as he extends his  hand for Blair to shake.

Blair begins to reach for Chuck’s hand as well.  Then, remembering the electric current of sexuality that coursed through her veins the LAST TIME she shook Chuck’s hand, she thinks better of it.  “Let us not forget about Article 19.  No touching,” concludes Blair, with a certainty she does not feel.

With a wistful look in eachother’s direction, the two slowly part from one another, and withdraw to their respective vehicles.

Meanwhile, in Dorky Dan Land . . .

Dan’s Lame Attempt at Vengeance #1

Poor Dan!  He tries so hard to be one of the gang, with his snoozy relationship troubles, droll one-liners, and feeble attempts to be Bad Ass.  And yet, he fails miserably every time.

Annoyed that last week’s rendezvous with Chuck andBlair has left Little J cowering in a trash can, like the Raccoon Zombie she is . . .

 . . . and concerned that Jenny’s hermit-like tendencies will keep his father and stepmother from celebrating their first anniversary in style, Dan (with the help of Mini van der Woodsen) . . .

“Do you think, maybe, sometime this Season, someone can write me a storyline that’s not . . . you know .  . . TOTALLY LAME?”

 . . . develops a Dastardly Scheme of Revenge.

(And by “Dastardly” I mean, “Uninspired and Incredibly Stupid”)

Dan decides to . . . SEND A FAKE POST TO GOSSIP GIRL ABOUT BLAIR SUPPOSEDLY SLEEPING WITH JACK BASS, WHILE SUMMERING IN FRANCE!

Wait . . . that was it?  That was the entire plan?  Silly, Dan!  Fake blasts to Gossip Girl are SO Season 1 . . .

Anyway, Dan hopes that Chuck will be SO MAD about this fake blast, that it will send him running right into the waiting arms of Jenny . . .

OK, first of all .  . . EWWWW!  And, second of all, wasn’t Jenny’s illicit relationship with Chuck what started all these problems, in the first place?

What ON EARTH would make Dan think that this was a good idea?

When Dan arrives at Chuck’s house, he is surprised to find Chuck having tea with . . . none other than Blair Waldorf, herself.

After weeks of seeing these two spar AGAINST one another, it was nice to see Blair and Chuck have a little fun together at Dorky Dan’s expense.  As it turns out, Blair and Chuck recognized the blast as a fake immediately, and met up to revise their treaty to include additional terms, which would govern the pair, in the event that such fake blasts occurred in the future. 

“Jack Bass wasn’t even in France this summer.  He was in Chile,” Blair says nonchalantly.

Chuck pauses at this.  “Wait . . . how did you know that?”   He asks.

And yet, he recovers quickly, in an attempt to exhibit a unified front, in the face of a ridiculous enemy.  “The intricacies of war games are too complex for a prole like you to fathom,” Chuck scoffs at Dorky Dan.

Blair, for her part, adds that she could care less what Dan’s Gothic Barbie sister does to try and undermine Chuck’s and Blair’s treaty.

I see a resemblance.  Don’t you?

To prove just how much she doesn’t care about Jenny, Blair boldly invites Chuck to her birthday party, right in front of Dan.  And Chuck agrees to attend.

Take THAT, Dan the Dipstick!

The Serena van der Woodsen Escort Service

While Dan is striking out with Chuck and Blair, Serena begins to worry that her plan to NOT screw Professor Sexy Pants will also fail miserably.  Dumbbell Serena decides that Psycho Stalker Juliet would be the “ideal candidate” to act as her Professor Buffer (How dirty does that sound?) at Blair’s party. She, therefore, invites the little wench to attend the affair as her date.

However, when Nate finds out about Serena plan, he offers to be the Buffer between his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend.  It is important to note that, in doing this, Nate is taking the place of his other ex-girlfriend, who was supposed to the Buffer originally, while attending the party of a third ex-girlfriend (Blair).  AWKWARD!

“I treat my ladies like cowpoke at a Rodeo! Round em up.  And keep em in line!”

“You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck.  So, you fight with everybody else!’

If anyone really needs a Buffer, it’s Blair!  The girl has been running around like a chicken without a head, ALL AFTERNOON!  Poor Blair has been seriously fretting about her party, and whether it will allow her to make her mark in society, as a “powerful woman.” 

Incredibly stressed out, and bursting with sexual energy — as a result of her recent heated encounters with Chuck — Blair is being a total BIATCH to all her poor lowly servants, including the loveable Dorota.

“What’s going on with me?”  Blair asks her trusted friend (and slave) worriedly.

“You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck, so you are fighting with everybody else,” Dorota says decisively.

As it turns out, Blair would be better off using that pent-up energy to fight off Dorky Dan.  The pathetic loser has just stolen a copy of Blair’s and Chuck’s treaty from the moronic Nate.  Apparently, Nate the Nincompoop was dumb enough to leave the darn thing lying around, even though Chuck demanded it be “locked away in a safe . . .”

Sex, Lies, Videotape, and Family Members?

Blair isn’t the only one who is the subject of a revenge plot, this evening.  When Serena ditched Juliet for Nate, the Psycho Stalker rounded up an “alternate” date to Blair’s birthday party: namely, Professor Screws-a-Lot.

While “distracting” Serena from the Professor, Nate spies him engaged in a heated conversation with Juliet.  Nate then quickly becomes convinced that the Professor is two-timing Serena with his own ex-girlfriend.

When Nate confronts Juliet, she explains that Colin is her cousin, who has paid her way through school, and who she cares for deeply.  In talking with Nate, Juliet comes to realize that Colin is the Professor that Serena is dating. 

And we, as fans, come to realize that Colin might not be the manipulative scheming snake we originally thought he was, based on his suspicious conversations with Juliet last week.  This also means that Colin might . . . gasp . . . actually like Serena for her PERSONALITY!

Juliet calls Brother Ben in jail again to break the news to him.  (Seriously?  How much phone time does this guy get?  This must be the most LENIENT PRISON EVER!)

“Hey Juliet.  Listen, I’ve gotta go.  The strippers will be here any minute.”

Brother Ben who, oddly enough, looks like he’s lost a bit of hair, since last week’s episode (Comb over, much?), can clearly give two craps about whether Juliet’s screwing over Serena will, by extension, end up screwing over his own cousin.  “Get proof [that she’s boinking our cousin], and get Serena expelled,” Brother Ben demands.

In the next scene, we see that Serena has received a note from Colin telling her to meet him upstairs.  The couple rendezvous in her bedroom.  Things get pretty hot and heavy up there.   Personal space is invaded.  Fingers lightly probe body parts.  Eye F*cking occurs.  Shockingly, it’s Serena that puts a stop to it.

“What the heck is this?  Invasion of the Body Snatchers?   Who is this girl and what has she done with the Real Serena?”

“We’ve already gone farther than we should have,” says Serena.  “Old Me would have gone farther.  New Me wants to wait.”

I knew it!  I was right!  Serena’s TOTALLY been body snatched .  . . by some alien named NewMe!

Leaving Colin with a lingering goodbye kiss on the lips, Faux-Serena exits the bedroom, having, shockingly, never gone farther than first base with her new sweetheart.  Juliet creepily watches the events unfold in the window, from outside and below

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to anybody, except Juliet (and maybe Brother Ben), a camera, which Juliet(?) has planted inside Serena’s bedroom, most certainly catches one Hot and Bothered Professor tending to these . . .

Dan’s Lame Attempt at Vengeance #2

After Mini van der Woodsen wisely backs out of Team Doofus, Dan telephones some random company that does “roasts” and invites them over to Blair’s party to exhibit a “very special video” in Blair’s honor.  I was right there with Penelope and Blair’s minions, in hoping that Dan would embarrass Queen B in front of all those fancy people she invited to her party, by showing them something juicy like . . . say . . . a Chuck / Blair Sex Tape. 

That would have been HOT!

I should have known not to overestimate Dan’s abilities at .  . . well . . . doing anything.  What he actually ended up showing was an old video of Blair drunkenly singing “Stand By Your Man,” in a rather humorous fake southern accent, while Chuck tried in vain to pull her off the stage.

OOPS!

Despite my thinking that the video was (though mildly humorous) pretty unexiting, in terms of blackmail material, Blair was actually quite mortified by it.

Apparently, the disavowal of this tape was the “extra” treaty term that Chuck and Blair had sent Serena and Nate away to discuss earlier in the episode.  Blair rushes to turn off the video.  In doing so, she inadvertently knocks over fashion designer Rachel Zoe, who somehow ends up on the floor, covered in chocolate fudge.

“I’m MELTING!  I’m MELLLLTINNNNG!”

Mistakenly believing that Chuck was the only one who knew about the video, Blair immediately assumes that he is the one responsible.  Interestingly enough, despite being enraged at, and extremely hurt by, Chuck, it is at this moment that Blair admits something very heartfelt to him.  As it turns out, Blair only knew of Jack Bass’ whereabouts, because she had sent a private investigator to look for Chuck, while he was missing – despite he purported hatred for him during that time.

Chuck, understandably, seems touched by this admission.  “I hate being at peace with you, but I didn’t do this.  We have a Treaty,” he promises.

It is at this moment, that Dorky Dan, clearly proud of himself, comes clean about his “Dastardly Deeds.”

And honestly . . .  no one really cares that much . . . well almost no one . . .

Rufus and Lily quickly put Dan in his place, calling him out for what a Douchebag he’s always been become, since he’s started hanging with the Upper East Side Scooby Gang.  Like Goth Barbie / Raccoon Zombie before him, Dan begins to feel guilty for having stooped to Chuck’s and Blair’s level . . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzz. 

And I just put myself to sleep typing that sentence . . .

AND FINALLY .  . . THE GOOD STUFF!

After the party, a humiliated Blair has a heart-to-heart with her mother, about  . . . who else . . . Chuck.  “What I want is to be a powerful woman.  But Chuck makes me feel like a weak little girl.”

I have to say, the often absent and dismissive Eleanor surprised me this week, by giving Blair some pretty sound (not to mention, uncharacteristically, Pro-Chuck) advice.  “Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be weak, in order to become stronger.  You don’t have to lose the girl, to become a woman,” Eleanor concludes. 

Alone again and fortified by her mother’s encouraging words, Blair heads toward her bedroom.  However, before she reaches the stairs, she encounters a familiar face in her entrance foyer . . . it’s CHUCK!

“I just wanted to let you know that the treaty is off,” Chuck begins.

“Good.  The pretense of civility was exhausting,” Blair counters.

“We are not friends.  We don’t have to like eachother,” offers Chuck, his brow furrowed, fists clenched.

“I’ll never like you either,” seethes Blair, moving closer to Chuck.  “In fact, I hate you.”

“There’s a firery pit of hate inside of me, and it’s ready to explode,” counters Chuck, moving so close to Blair that their faces are almost touching.

Chuck then rips the treaty up right in front Blair.   Blair watches wide eyed, as Chuck grabs on to her shoulder.  He then yanks her closer to him, and . . . KISSES HER!

As music thunders in the background, Chuck and Blair start going at it, ferociously ripping one another’s clothes angrily, while hungrily probing eachothers’ bodies, and furiously making out.  Then, the camera starts to do strange and trippy things (which I DID NOT LIKE — don’t mess with CB SEX, you MEAN OLD CAMERA MAN!),

In the final moments of the episode, Chuck pushes Blair up against a piano, and proceeds to “hatefully” screw her brains out.  Man, I wishes someone “hated” me like that . . .

Tune in next week Chair fans, when, based on the promos, there will be PLENTY MORE where that came from! 

XOXO!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Ryan Kwanten: Where are you going? Where have you been (all my life)?

It’s times like these when I wish my laptop screen had a “3D” option . . .

You know him as Jason Stackhouse — Sookie’s dim-witted, but VERY loveable, huggable, kissable and MUCH MORE-able older brother on HBO’s hit series, True Blood.

Truth be told, you probably knew someone like Jason Stackhouse in high school (though, no where NEAR as hot as he is, I imagine).  At first glance, Jason seems like the quintessential “dumb jock” . . .

 . . . a high school football star (Starting Quarterback, to be exact), who has a real way with the ladies . . .

 ALL the ladies (and the MEN too) . . .

But here’s the thing about this “way” he has with the ladies (and men) . . . it gets him into trouble sometimes . . .

OK .  . . A LOT of times.  And the fact that he has a bad temper, certainly doesn’t help matters . . .

Jason is the kind of guy who shoots first, and asks questions later.

And the questions he DOES ask, often leave you as confused as he is  . . .

And that is VERY confused!

Wait . . . why should I tell you all this, when I can SHOW you?

Now, some of the aforementioned traits may seem like negative attributes, but there are  lots of great things about Jason too!  For one thing, he has a childlike sensibility.  Jason is a TRUE believer . . .

 

. . . in SANTA CLAUS . . .

 . . . and ANGELS !

Plus, he is always a loyal friend and confidant.

Did I mention, he is HIGHLY flexible?

And INSANELY good in bed?

But perhaps the BEST person to explain Jason Stackhouse to you, would be Jason himself . . .

OK.  So, now that we’ve met the character he plays, Jason Stackhouse, we are pretty clear on where Ryan Kwanten IS.  But WHERE HAS HE BEEN?

Well, for starters, Ryan Kwanten was born on November 28, 1976 in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia.  He started acting in the early 90’s, but didn’t really hit his stride, until the latter half of that decade.  Those Aussies among you might remember him as the adorable Vinnie Patterson on the soap opera Home and Away, a role he inhabited from 1997 until 2002.

But, even if you don’t remember Home and Away (because I don’t), you are sure to enjoy this VERY OLD trailer for the program, featuring Ryan Kwanten, himself . . .

(By the way, all you Pretty Little Liars fans out there should check out the “Dani” character at the 10 second mark.  Look familiar to you?  She SHOULD!

It’s Tammin Sursok a.k.a. BLIND JENNA!  Who knew?)

In 2003, Ryan starred in the film Liquid Bridge . . .

 . . . in which he played surfer dude, Nick Callum, who liked to wear his surfboard . . . and often NOTHING ELSE!

Check out the trailer for the film.  It’s practically SURF PORN!

But most of us U.S. fangirls didn’t meet Ryan until 2004, on the television drama Summerland, where he played another surf star, Jay Robertson. 

For your viewing pleasure, I have included a nice little clip of Ryan as “Shirtless Jay” here.  (Feel free to fast forward through all the lame Jesse McCartney stuff in the beginning and middle, because that’s what I did.)

In 2006, Ryan landed a role in the feature film, Flicka.  You know, the one based on the book . . . about the horse . . .

I didn’t see this one either.   But I found a great gag reel fom the film on YouTube.  The best part of the reel, by far, is the the end, which features Ryan doing some ad-libbing.  In the scene, Ryan’s character, Howard McLaughlin, is asked if there is anyone out there more fortunate than he.  He has some creative answers.  Who knew Ryan was such a Faith Hill fan?

There you go!  So, now you not only know where Ryan Kwanten IS, you also know where he has BEEN.  But where is he GOING?

Well, in short, it looks like Ryan is GOING back to the big screen.  Based on these two upcoming trailers, our favorite shirtless funny man will be taking a turn for the angsty and dramatic.  This first trailer is for Home and Away, a film that was made back in 2007, but is STILL pending release (WTF producers?).  In it, Ryan stars alongside The O.C.’s Mischa Barton, as a disillusioned young man, who has seemingly sold his soul to the music industry.  However, during the course of the film, he gets it back, thanks to the impending loss of his father, and the love of a free-spirited woman.  Check it out . . .

Now, normally, when I show a movie trailer like this, I try to precede it with the poster for the film.  But this poster REALLY bugged me.  See if you can figure out why . . .

Would someone PLEASE explain to me what Mischa Barton’s ginormous head is doing dwarfing MY Ryan?  Didn’t I just say this film is about a “disillusioned young MAN?”  So, tell me, which of the people in this poster seem to fit that description?  HINT:  It’s NOT the girl with a noggin that is seemingly the size of EARTH! 

I think I just figured out why this film hasn’t found it’s way into theaters yet.  Two words:  POOR.  MARKETING.

Needless to say, the poster for the next trailer I am going to show you is WAY more MY speed . . .

Now, that’s more like it!

Was it just me, or did that trailer sort of remind you of the film No Country for Old Men?

Only with WAY better hair!

According to IMDB, Ryan also has a number of other film projects in the works.  Most notable among these are: (1) The Knights of Badassdom,  a horror film about LARPers who unwittingly release demons on to the world (Are they SURE this isn’t supposed to be a comedy?); and (2) Griff the Invisible, a romantic comedy in which Kwanten plays . . . a SUPERHERO . . .

 . . . who BETTER NOT actually be INVISIBLE.  Just sayin’ . . . (Talk about a waste of a beautiful specimen!)

So, there you have it.  We now know where, Ryan Kwanten IS, where he’s GOING, and where he’s BEEN.  

Now, as for where Jason Stackhouse is going . . .

Well, I guess we will all just have to wait and see, won’t we? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

Before They Were Vampires – My Slightly Smutty Tribute to Alexander Skarsgard

Hungry?

If you’ve ever stopped by this blog before, you know that I ADORE HBO’s scary and sexy summer series, True Blood, in general, and Alexander Skarsgard’s deliciously devilish Viking Vampire, Eric Northman, specifically.  Honestly, can you blame me?  How can you NOT love a man who looks like THIS . . .

And SOMETIMES this . . .

And OTHER TIMES this?

So, yes, he’s pretty to look at.  (DUH!)  But there’s more to it than that . . . much more.  Skarsgard’s Northman is smart and sardonic.  He also has a mean streak a mile long. 

It’s true.  Vampire Eric can be brutal, but he can also be charming and surprisingly sweet.  Eric Northman has the unique ability to make you go from laughter, to tears, and back to laughter again, with nothing more than a sharp one-liner, a withering look, and a (seemingly) sincere apology. 

Eric is strong and ambitious.  He has a take charge attitude about every aspect of his life (and undeath).  This attitude encompasses his work, as much as his play.  This Vampire is Pure Epicure.  He LOVES being undead.  And undeath loves him . . .

Did I mention he can make your DREAMS COME TRUE?

But, as much as it seems as though Alexander Skarsgard was BORN to play Eric Northman, there WAS life B.V., “BEFORE vampire”

It’s ALIVE!  Hallelujah!

As it turns out, Skarsgard’s been doing this whole “acting thing” for quite some time.  According to Wikipedia, his acting career began in 1984, when he was just 7-years old.  Back then, he starred in the Swedish film, Ake and His World, based on a children’s book by Bertil Malberg.  Here’s what he looked like back then . . .

How cute was HE?

But Alexander Skarsgard didn’t enter MY life until about 17 years later, in 2001.  That was when he appeared in THIS film . . .

Even those of you who SAW this movie, might not have caught this.  (I certainly didn’t, when I first saw it.)  But, in Zoolander, Skarsgard played Meekus, Derek’s model friend, who died tragically in a freak gasoline accident.

R.I.P. Meekus

OK.  Maybe some of you already knew that.  But did you know that Skarsgard also makes for a really pretty girl?

I always knew Alexander Skarsgard was better looking than I was.  But does he also have to be a better looking WOMAN?  NO FAIR!

In 2006, just five years after his small part in Zoolander, Skarsgard starred in the kidnapping and crime caper, Kill Your Darlings, as a disturbingly hot, and decidedly suicidal, transvestite, named Geert. 

 Here’s a clip from the film that I think you’ll really like . . . You’ll figure out why in just a few seconds . . .

So, by this time, Alexander Skarsgard was quite the A-list star in Sweden.  However, he hadn’t quite “made it” in the U.S. just yet.  (Tragic Zoolander death, notwithstanding).  That all changed in 2008, when he landed the role of Sergeant Brad “Iceman” Colbert in the HBO miniseries, Generation Kill.  The series, which was based on a book of the same name by Evan Wright, detailed the lives of a real-life Marine Corps battalion during the invasion of Iraq in 2003. 

Just like a certain vampire he would begin to play that same year, Iceman was a force with which to be reckoned — a calm, cool, and calculated soldier.  Though many lives were undoubtedly lost at the hands of both of these “killers,” both Eric and Iceman possessed, beneath the surface, a refreshing amount of humanity and heart. 

Now I know that a good film and television viewer can separate any character from the actor playing him.  And yet, I couldn’t keep myself from being reminded of Eric Northman when watching THIS scene . . .

No one does the deadpan delivery of a “biting” one-liner like Skarsgard!

Finally, this year, while on hiatus from filming True Blood, Skarsgard took the opportunity to flex his comedic chops in Beyond the Pole, a British mockumentary about a group of friends who head to the North Pole on a mission to save the world from the scourge of GLOBAL WARMING.

 

Here, Skarsgard plays Terje, a gay Norwegian athlete, with a tendency to get a little frisky (and dance-y) after a few drinks (and you all KNOW how I LOVE my stars getting dance-y).  Check THIS out . . .

I’m willing to bet that Sookie is wishing she was the guy in that video, RIGHT NOW .  . .

Aren’t you?

So, there you have it.  A brief, and slightly smutty, look into the wild and wonderful film and television career of Alexander Skarsgard.  But, before you go, I DO have one more Alexander Skarsgard image you might enjoy.  This one comes from a film he made in 2000, called Hundtricket or The Dog Trick.

WARNING:  You might  . . . (clears throat) . . . need a COLD shower, after viewing this . . .

 Sweet Dreams!

 [www.juliekushner.com]

Hot Summer Nights – The TV Sex-y Awards!

Well, summer’s definitely here, folks!  It’s almost 90 degrees outside, where I’m from.  And I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty hot and bothered.   So I figured, what better way to beat the heat OUTSIDE, than to steam things up INSIDE, where at least an air conditioner, and a few systematically placed ice cubes, can cool you off?

A few days ago, my blogging buddy, Amy, over at Imaginary Men, hosted something she lovingly referred to as the TV Boyfriend Olympics.  During said “Olympics,” Amy and a “distinguished panel of judges” voted on the best television scenes, featuring the TV stars we LOVED to watch get together and almost get together.  The sheer awesomeness of her post, and the undeniable guilty pleasure I had “judging” the scenes, gave me an idea . . .

So, this morning, while many of you were probably out on the beach, working on your tans, I was INSIDE, culling through hours of hot television sex scenes, in search of the most notable ones. (Or rather, the most notable that DIDN’T require me to register with YouTube as someone who likes “dirty” videos.  I’m pretty sure YouTube sends THAT registry list to the government  . . .)  It was a tough job, but someone had to do it . . .

So, without further adieu, here are my picks for the first annual TV Sex-y Awards.

The “Most Bizarre Place to Get Lucky” Award goes to . . . (drumroll please)

KATE AND SAWYER on LOST for “Bear Cage Sex.”

Don’t you hate it when you are trapped on on an island you THINK is deserted, but it actually ends up being filled with a weird group of Others who throw you in a cage, and force you to eat nothing but massive looking dog food crackers shaped like fish?  Kate and Sawyer actually don’t seem to hate it all that much . . . In a few moments, you will understand why.

Honestly?  I don’t understand how these two DIDN’T end up together, at the end of the series.  Can you imagine JACK SHEPARD doing it in cage?  He’d probably be too concerned with how many bacterial infections you could get from those steel bars, to really get in the mood.

“When is the last time you think they windexed those?  That dude with the beard just didn’t look very clean.  Maybe they’d be willing to give us some paper towels to put down first . . .”

The “Best Use of Camera Effects to Simulate Sex, Without Upsetting the Censors” Award goes to . . .

CHUCK and BLAIR on GOSSIP GIRL for “Limo Sex”

I remember literally drooling the first time I watched this scene, which took place during Season 1 of Gossip Girl.  In it, Chuck takes a highly vulnerable Blair to a Gentleman’s Club he wishes to purchase.  Once there, the typically buttoned-up and straight-laced, Blair surprises him, by getting up on stage and performing a tasteful, but highly provocative, strip tease.  During the limo ride home, the pair do it for the first time. 

Upon watching the scene again, I was surprised by how little the producers actually showed, sex-wise.  In fact,  when compared to many of the others scenes shown here, this one was surprisingly tame.  And yet, something about the scene made it seem deliciously X-rated.  I’m thinking it was the jump cuts and old-school video effects that caused us fans to imagine a raunchiness that wasn’t necessarily there.  Watch and you’ll see what I mean . . .

The “Best First Time” Award goes to . . .

PACEY and JOEYon DAWSON’S CREEK for “High School Ski Trip Sex”

I’m pretty sure the scene I’m about to show you RUINED virginity loss for young women everywhere.  Most first sexual encounters are awkward, painful and uncomfortable.  Joey’s and Pacey’s was PURE PERFECTION. 

After watching an entire season of longing looks and “Will they?  Won’t they?”  Followed by ANOTHER season of coupledom that was frequently marred by petty fights and the annoying romantic advances of boring hangers on (cough, cough Dawson cough), it was REALLY nice to see Joey and Pacey finally able to get some unadulterated loving.  And as for Joey’s pre-sex speech?  Well, foreplay just doesn’t get much better than that!

The “Most Realistic First Time” Award goes to . . .

SETH and SUMMER on THE O.C. for “Not-So-Hot at Having Sex”

He was desperately in love with her since the sixth grade.  She . . . thought he was a major loser . . . But then, he seemingly moved on.  And the thought of Seth dating another girl stirred up feelings in Summer that she didn’t know she had.  Remember how I said earlier that most “first times” are awkward, painful, and uncomfortable?  So was their’s . . .

The “Most Uncomfortable to Watch Sex Scene” Award goes to . . .

MEREDITH and GEORGE on GREY’S ANATOMY in “There’s No Crying in Sex!”

Speaking of awkward . . . how would you like it if you finally got the chance to do it with the girl or guy of your dreams?   But then, the mere thought of consummating a relationship with you made the object of your desire burst into tears .  . . and not tears of joy, either . . .

Note:  Asking someone if they are “almost done,” during sexual activity?  NOT A TURN ON!

The “Dirtiest (and not in a good way) Sex” Award goes to . . .

VAMPIRE BILL and SOOKIE on TRUE BLOOD in “Doing It with the Dead Sex”

Remember how I told you Dr. Jack Shepard from Lost would be too finicky to engage in Bear Cage Sex with Kate?  Well, you could just imagine how he’d feel, when faced with the prospect of banging a naked corpse in a cemetery, especially when said corpse had just spent the last several hours buried in the dirt.  In this next scene, Sookie, believing her beloved Vampire Bill to have died permanently in a fire, heads to his gravesite to pay her last respects.  It is there that she has a rather “unexpected” encounter . . .

The “Undead Dudes Make the Best Lovers”  Award goes to . . .

ELENA and STEFAN on THE VAMPIRE DIARIES in “I Love You, Even if You Are Old and Fangy, Sex”

My squeamish thoughts regarding the last video might give you the mistaken impression that I think sex with vampires is gross and wrong.  TOTALLY UNTRUE!  Sex with vampires can be unbelievably hot, particularly when the vampire in question has Hypnotic Arms of Steel, like Stefan Salvatore.  Watch and be entranced . . .

(This one is un-embedded, unfortunately.  Just click the internal link to see it.)

The “So Hot, We Wish it Wasn’t Incest” Award goes to . . .

BOONE and SHANNON on LOST in “Step-Sibling Sex”

You know who else plays a vampire on The Vampire Diaries?  THIS GUY . . .

Unfortunately, the sex scenes he’s been in on that show, so far, have almost universally involved, compulsion, violence, and girls that were NOT Elena.  But to hold a a TV Sex-y Award “show” and NOT include the Sex Master himself, Ian Somerhalder, would be pure sacrilege.  So, I figured, the least I could do was show a scene where he got it on with his sister.  Just TRY not to be aroused by this one . . . I DARE YOU!

The “Sex Scene That Made Me Hungry” Award goes to . . .

SERENA and NATE on GOSSIP GIRL in “Do You Really Expect Me To Put That in My Mouth? Sex”

“I can’t believe I ate the WHOLE thing!”

You see, to me, food and sex DON’T mix.  In fact, food is what you abstain from a few hours BEFORE sex, to avoid unfortunate incidents and “Pudgy Tummy.”  But, then again, I’m not Serena and Nate.  Is it wrong that, when I was watching this scene, I was paying more attention to the waffles and strawberries the couple was eating, than I was to the couple themselves?  Because, let me tell you, those were some JUICY strawberries . . .

(Yet another poopy non-embedder.  Click that link!  You won’t regret it!)

And, finally, The “Best Post-Coital Conversation” Award goes to . . .

LOGAN and VERONICA on VERONICA MARS in “We Just Did It.  Now Let’s Chat About Hookers Sex”

It’s fitting that the last award of the day would go to an “After Sex” scene.  And if any couple deserves a moment to lie together peacefully and spoon, its Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls.  Fans of Veronica Mars know that this couple’s “epic” relationship was most certainly never dull.  When these two weren’t bashing in the headlights on one another’s cars, getting eachother suspended for drug use on school grounds, protecting eachother from mobsters, rapists and serial killers, breaking eachother out of jail, and testifying in court against people who killed their friends, Veronica and Logan were just an ordinary couple looking for some “alone time.” 

Unfortunately, the show was only three seasons long.   And Veronica and Logan were “coupled” for less than half of it.  This didn’t leave much time for these two to do those “normal things” that most couples do.  That’s what makes the quiet and contemplative moment that the pair shares in this scene so special . . .

Well, there you have it folks.  This year’s First Annual TV Sex-y Awards has officially came and went.  I think I’m going to take a cold shower now . . .

 

 

Explosions! Car Crashes! Deaths! Kisses! And the Twist to End all Twists! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season Finale “Founder’s Day”

Prior to the airing of The Vampire Diaries first season finale, the show’s creator, Kevin Williamson, admittedly, set the bar pretty high for himself.  By all accounts, The Vampire Diaries had a freshman season most television shows only DREAM about . . . a cast that was both beautiful AND talented;

 a show concept that, in the age of Twilight  and True Blood, was pretty much guaranteed to be a ratings dynamo with the core 18-49 TV viewing demographic;

sharp and snappy writing, and brilliant plotting that was genuinely unpredictable, without a single “jump the shark moment.” 

Stay cool, Arthur Fonzarelli!  Your services will not be needed here this season!

After its midseason hiatus, The Vampire Diaries truly came into its own!  No more lame diary writing scenes and voiceovers, no more “Damon as crow” CGI-laced images. 

We all have to “eat a little crow” sometimes . . .

The show had become a lean-mean plotting machine, with each subsequent episode besting the one before it, both in terms of shock value and sheer greatness.

See?  Greatness!

As if there wasn’t enough pressure on Williamson to produce television gold this week, the show creator himself decided to up the stakes.  In a number of interviews he gave before the finale, Williamson promised a season-ending episode that would literally stop hearts!  E! Online and Entertainment Weekly both teased that the show’s finale, entitled “Founder’s Day,” would offer fans no less than EIGHT cliffhangers, a car accident, two major deaths, and a shocking first kiss . . .  

We can dream, can’t we?

To be honest, going into this finale, I was a bit worried for my good pal Kevin.   After all, he and I go WAY back to the early 00’s, during his Dawson’s Creek days.

Pacey and Joey, forever!

Oh, hush up, Dawson!

So I really, really didn’t want my old friend to fail.  And yet I feared that he would.  I mean, who could live up to ALL THAT HYPE?

Answer . . . this guy!

I am happy to report that, this finale did, in fact, deliver! (Did it EVER?)   It was truly everything all those spoiler blogs promised, and so much more! 

I did have one complaint though . . . There were no Shirtless Salvatores!   

Nor were there any open-shirted Salvatores!

Not even was there a Salvatore in wife-beater tank top!

 Not a single bit of skin to whet our appetites until next season.  Kevin, honey, I love you, but that’s just plain cruel!

Clearly, Dawson agrees!

Excess clothing aside, surprisingly, the finale still left me an extremely happy girl.  (And that’s saying a lot, especially considering how much I love my shirtless men!)  So, without further adieu, on with the recap!

“I’m Here to Eat Cotton Candy and Steal Your Girl”

Tonight’s finale started innocently enough.  It was the day of the Founder’s Day Parade, an event that probably looked a lot like your high school homecoming parade.  That is, if you were lucky enough to go to high school with super hot vampires, and if your school had a substantial wardrobe budget for historically accurate dresswear from the late 19th century.  (Come to think of it, it probably didn’t look like your school’s homecoming parade at all . . .) 

Our heroine Elena, with ringleted hair and a gown that made her look suspiciously similar to her (heretofore seen only in flashbacks) vampire doppelganger, Katherine, rode the high school’s premiere float, along with her escort, the no longer blood-crazed, Stefan, 

as well as the recently plotline-light couple, Matt and Caroline.

The CW is still paying us . . . We might as well make ourselves useful.

And then Damon magically appeared . . .

Sigh!

And boy was our newly out of the “Elena-closet” lover boy an emotional rollercoaster, this evening!   When we first see him, he is very much the cocksure badass we know from early Season 1.  When Stefan questions him about why he’s at this event, he remarks, in classic Damon fashion, “I’m here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl . . .”  (By the way, do vampires eat in Vampire Diaries’ world?  Because I’ve never actually seen it happen . . .)

Dear Damon,

BITE ME!

Signed,

Julie Cotton Candy

Unlike many television characters who find themselves on the outskirts of a love triangle, Damon is NOT a silent piner!  From the moment Isobel called Damon out on his love for Elena last week, he has made sure the world knows his feelings!  Starting with Stefan.  After having been surprisingly civil to one another these last few episodes, Damon and Stefan really went at it this week.  Snarky comments flew through their air like boomerangs in the Australian outback. 

 And yet, not a single punch was thrown!  In fact, Damon’s and Stefan’s encounters looked a bit more like “girly catfights” than, “macho man brawls.”  This made the interactions between them all the more adorable.

Catfight!  Ladies in your corners!

In other news, Damon confronts, Witchy (and Bitchy) Bonnie (who, thank goodness, is no longer sporting those awful bangs we’ve seen on her in past weeks) to “thank” her for curing Ancestor Gilbert’s “invention” of its Vampire Torture properties.  The scene is particularly interesting,  since we learned last week, that Bonnie only pretended to do this . . .

I bought you something, Bonnie . . .

“I can turn you, Jeremy.”

Poor Jeremy Gilbert.  It seems like this guy is an Angst Magnet.  Having recently re-learned about the tragic and bloody death of his erst-while girlfriend, Vicki Donovan . . .

Jeremy now has another dead body on his hands, his new vampire girlfriend Anna’s mother, Pearl. 

Having initially balked at the idea of turning Jeremy, Anna, now truly alone in the world, offers to turn Jeremy for real, going as far as to offer him a vial of her blood for safe keeping.  (Speaking of blood vials . . . remember when Angelina Jolie used to wear one of those around her neck?  And make out with her brother?  Good times!)

To a sincerely angry and depressed Jeremy, Anna extols the virtues of vampirism in a way that we heard echoed by nearly all of the vampires on this show.  “You can turn your feelings off, whenever you want.  It won’t hurt so much,” she explains.

And, I’m sorry, but I call BS right here.  Because, really, is there anyone on this show more emotional than the vampires?  First you have broody Stefan, who, though usually even-keel, gets  a single drop of human blood in his system, and quickly becomes a raving lunatic. 

Then there’s Damon, who alternates between making snarky comments, to breaking characters’ necks for no reason, to mooning over his sweetheart. 

 

(He looks hot doing all of the above, by the way.)

 And now, we have Anna, who has gone back and forth throughout the season between needing Jeremy and wanting to be left alone, wanting to turn him, and wanting to protect him from vampire kind. 

If THIS is vampires turning their feelings OFF, I’d hate to see them with them turned on . . .

Ummm . . . did I just say that?   Because I totally take it back!

“The Eye Thing”

Later, Elena stops by the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls and runs into Damon.  In a fabulous scene you may have seen posted on YouTube or, perhaps, on this blog, before this episode even aired, Elena confronts Damon about “Stefan’s concerns” regarding Damon’s “feelings” for her.  Initially, Damon plays it coy, as if to say, “I have no idea what on earth you are talking about.” 

However, Elena has his number, and calls him out on his “flirty comments” and  signature “eye thing,” (which I could watch on continuous loop for hours, by the way).

In fact, I think I WILL!

And yet, things start to get truly interesting, when Elena says these words to Damon, “Don’t make me regret being your friend.”

At this point Damon’s face falls noticeably.  Some might say, it’s merely because he has been explicitly tossed in the “friend zone.”  However, I think it is something more.  As callous as Damon might appear to the outside world, he truly loves Elena, and would much rather be her friend than nothing at all.  He nods imperceptibly, and probably for the only time this entire season, we watch Damon pine, just a little bit, as Elena walks away to talk to her brother. 

Elena tries to smooth things over with Jeremy, but he basically tells her to go to hell.  Damon hears this and promptly goes into full protective boyfriend mode, threatening Jeremy that he better be kind to his sister, “Or else.”

At which point, Stefan magically appears .  .  .

 .  . . and surprises us all, by openly admitting to Jeremy that, although Damon may have been the one to erase his memory, it was Stefan, and not Damon, who ultimately killed Vicki.

From a Whisper to a Scream . . .

It is not until the night of the Founders Day fireworks that the poo really hits the fan!  Here, we learn that the hidey hole vampires are back with a vengeance!  (And we thought they were gone!)  After all, thanks to the “Founders” these guys have been stuck underground since 1864, with nothing to do but be pissed off!  So, understandably, a lot of them have anger issues. 

To further complicate matters, Creepy Uncle John (who I guess we now have to refer to as “Father John,” since he seems to be Elena’s Daddy) . . .

I SO HATE THIS GUY!  (How the heck did Elena come out so NORMAL with Wackjob Bio Parents from Hell, John and Isobel?)

 . . . has decided to reenact that lovely old 1864 flashback, where the townspeople rounded up all the vampires and burned them to a crisp inside an abandoned building.  Except now, he has the “invention” to help him out.  He also, at first glance, has a traitorous vampire on the inside to help things along, Vampire Anna . . .

But all is not as it seems, because Vampire Anna is playing both sides.  She warns Damon of the respective plans of both the hidey hole vamps and Uncle John.  But before, Damon can rescue Stefan and “his girl,” Uncle John breaks out the crazy invention, and we finally get to see what it can do.  It’s a bit disappointing that the “invention” turns out to be nothing more than a dog whistle for vamps. 

 Turn it on and vampires crumble to the ground incapacitated, by what looks like nothing more than a super intense migraine.

As the invention “plays,” we watch as Anna, Damon, Stefan and the Hidey Hole vamps immediately fall to the ground.  This is not surprising.  What IS surprising is that the Mayor of the town is affected too, as is his son, Tyler . . .

 . . . who, while driving with Caroline and Matt, swerves upon hearing the sound, and gets into a massive car crash, leaving Caroline extremely wounded.  “But they aren’t vampires,” claims the Mayor’s wife / Tyler’s mother.

So what are they? If you’ve been reading online interviews about the show, it should be no secret that Tyler comes from a family of werewolves, a fact that will undoubtedly be explored in greater detail during Season 2 of this show. 

Who knew Ancestor Gilbert’s crazy invention extended to ALL supernatural creatures?  (How very True Blood of the show’s creators!)

All Hell Breaks Loose

In a scene eerily reminscent of those Civil War-era flashbacks from the Blood Brothers episode, Uncle John decks the town Sheriff, and proceeds to round up all the writhing headache-suffering supernatural creatures of Mystic Falls, tossing them into an abandoned building, which he promptly douses with gasoline.  Vampires Anna and Damon are inside, as is the Mayor of the Town.  Stefan, however, somehow manages to avoid the frey.  

If you recall, up until this point, Damon used to be on the Mystic Falls Vampire Killer Council.  Me thinks he won’t be invited back next year . . .

Elena sees Uncle / Father John entering the burning building, and tries to reason with him, explaining that she knows he is her father.

Don’t worry Elena, Father’s Day sucked for Luke Skywalker too . . .

Elena hopes that her admission will soften John’s heart . . . not so much.  The Evil Creepo Dude enters the building and STAKES ANNA . .

 . . . giving us our first major (and very sad) death of the episode.

The second death belongs to the Mayor, also killed on the scene, at the hands of Damon himself (having woken from his headache).  He does this, presumably in hopes that when this is all over, his true identity will not be exposed to the town.  (Did NOBODY else in Mystic Falls see the Extremely Hot Man writhing on the ground?  Unlikely . . . Sorry Damon!)

Outside the now-burning building, Elena, who has come to realize that her friend Bonnie is a total poopyhead, who lied about curing the vampire torture invention, confronts her fairweather friend.  The two duke it out a bit over the merits of dating and befriending vampires.   Then Bonnie starts mumbling some witchy hoo hah.  We worry she’s merely doing this to speed up the death process for the Grandma-killing blood suckers she hates so much.  However, she surprises everyone by stopping the burning, and allowing Damon to get free . . .

The Aftermath and the MAJOR OMFG Twist . . .

Meanwhile, at the hospital, Caroline remains in critical condition, and one of the eight cliffhangers of the episode is thereby revealed. 

Looks like you got a storyline, after all, Candice Acola . .  . but probably NOT the one you wanted, huh?

Another one follows shortly after.   A newly free Damon comes to see Jeremy, and admits to him that Anna is dead.  The two share a sweet and gut-wrenching moment, brilliantly acted by them both, in which they discuss, love, vampirism, and, of course . . . you guessed it . . . turning off one’s feelings.

  Surprisingly, Damon even goes as far as to apologize for how he treated (and ultimately turned Vicki).  Damon then offers to remove Jeremy’s memories again, but Little Gilbert declines.  The last time we see Jeremy, is staring forlornly at the mirror, drinking Anna’s blood and swallowing a mouthful of pills.  Will he die?  Will he turn into a vampire?  Or none of the above . . . It looks like we will have to wait until next season to find out . . .

With all of their friends rescued, Stefan finally has time to confront Elena about Damon’s purported feelings for her.   She assures him repeatedly how much she loves him.  And yet, me thinks thou doth protest to much . . .

Be afraid Stefan, be very afraid! – Love, Elena Cotton Candy (See what I did, there?)

Back at the Gilbert house, Damon is waiting outside Elena’s doorstep when “she” arrives home. 

In yet another heartfelt conversation  (And this episode had a TON!), a wistful Damon discusses the nature of his desire for redemption.  He feels fortunate that Stefan and Elena saw something in him, worth saving.  The two lean close to one another and . .  . wait for it . . . SHARE A HOT KISS!  At first it is small and chaste, on the cheek.  And then not so chaste, complete with hands around necks and fingers in hair.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a good screencap of these two hotties . . . so look at this picture and imagine Isobel as Elena!  (Or YOU as Isobel . . . because that’s fun too!) 🙂

And at that moment the entire TVD watching population shares a big fat O, if you know what I mean . . .

In classic style, of course, that “O” is interrupted by none other than Useless Aunt Jenna, who forces “Elena” to come inside (and I don’t mean in a fun way, either) . 

Aunt Killjoy

(But note the “invitation,” because it’s going to become important, in just a few brief moments.)

As the two leave, Damon strokes his mouth, and you just know the memory of that kiss will take an eternity to erase.    And I would have been content for the episode to end right there .  . . but BOY was there more!  “Elena” heads to the kitchen and meets up with Evil Uncle / Father John, who tries in vain to explain his actions to his vampire loving daughter.  By way of a truce, he offers to cook a meal with her.  She complies . . . by grabbing the knife, and cutting off his hand containing the ring of immortality!  She then STABS HIM IN THE CHEST! 

And her then face gets all veiny and puffy eye baggy!  We know that look!  That’s not Elena at all!  It’s her doppelganger, Vampire Katherine! 

“I’m back bitches!  Thanks for inviting me in, Useless Aunt Jenna!”

Dun Dun Dun!

At the end of the episode a non-veiny and non-eye baggy Elena arrives home, calmly leaving a message for Stefan on her cell phone (I love you, blah, blah, blah).  She is completely unaware, of course, of the carnage into which she is about to walk. 

“Hey, Kev W!  What gives?  Why are you always picking on me?  Haven’t I been through enough?”

A potentially dead biological father?  A potentially dead or vampiric little brother?  An angry Aunt Jenna who thinks she’s a cheater?  A lovestruck Damon who thinks so too .  . .  but likes it?

Throughout this series, I’ve always totally envied Elena Gilbert’s life.  During this episode’s concluding moments, for the first time this season, I didn’t envy her  . . . AT ALL!

So, there you have it folks.  A brilliant end, to a brilliant first Season.  It’s truly been a wild and amazing ride recapping this fabulous show.  And I sincerely thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing it with me.  (Especially, Amy over at Imaginary Men, who shared my obsessive fangirl love through many a comment and email, and was still willing to speak to me, after our failed liveblog event.)

 And to show you all my thanks, I’d like to leave you with these lovely gifs, that may help ease the pain of a Salvatore Brother-less summer . . .

(The people over at Gif Soup are officially my NEW BEST FRIENDS!)

Until next season . . . (or until they start airing the reruns).  Bite ya later!  🙂