Tag Archives: shadow

Taming of the Shrewd – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Echo House”

let me out big

let me in

stiles upward looking

Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers!  It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits).   Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort!  She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!

eichen house

 

Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .

hanging three

 

“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”

Five-star cuisine . . .

the bug

 

“Tastes like chicken?”

A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need .  . .

gonna get you

 

stab

 

And the accommodations?  Talk about luxurious!

oliver

So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while.  Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .

344_bag_of_nuts

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]

The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow

Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker.  If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims.  Why?  Because he’s a smart guy!  He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

 

funny-gif-Yoda-dancing-stormtroopers

I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .

no idea what im doing

Simpler-minded . . .

ephemeral

Less complex . . .

ep 8 scotts bowl sunshower 80

I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.

lets put our heads together

 

“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”

But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too.  One who clearly likes a challenge.  And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap.  He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls.  Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.

stiles sad 1

They say nice guys finish last.  But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned!  Sorry Stiles!  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .

more dancing stiles

As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott.  Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum.  Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!

i dont like this

Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.

dad thinks one

“Looks pretty swanky.  I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”

And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.

trust scott

Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.

never get out

“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.

Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right?  They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .

nogitsune teeth

Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.

forgetting

“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”

no sleep

But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy.  *sniffle*

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Just Hanging Out . . .

Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical  equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .

hanging self 1

 

hanging self

He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets!  Very clever!

eli says happy birthday

Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle.  And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you.  Ready?

nodding oh yeah

“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky.  It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”

angry bird

Get it?  It’s a SHADOW!

take off shadow

 

ep 9 obviously stiles

Come on Nogitsune!  Stop giving us riddles with the same answer.  Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .

trademark scott face

 

“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right?  The answer is totally wings!”

Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule.  But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it.  She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.

nurse ratched

 

Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!

another oliver

 

hi stiles

All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy.  He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!

another oliver again

“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”

a third oliver

“This place has a lot of echoes.  That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”

yet another o

“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?”  (Just kidding.  He never said that one.)

In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .

drlling

. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .

By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug.  Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note.  But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.

You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .

Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House.  Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .

jesus one

 

jesus 2

Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table.  I wonder what that would look like?

last supper

Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.

you cant sit with us

Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular.  But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material.  So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right?  Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .

my queen

 

“My queen!”

my fist

“My fist!”

punching

Then again, maybe not . . .

that all went a lot better in my head

 

hate coyot

But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty.  Check it out.  It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .

picture of the wolf

While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .

basement

 

memoris

 

aliceinwonderland

 

Curiouser and curiouser . . .

Fun with Flags Scrolls

This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason.  Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.

pretty paper

 

“These are some really expensive paper towels.”

For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy?   Huh?

stiles in strife

 

“Why are my friends so stupid?”

Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.”  Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!

internet derek 2

In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles

Poor Stiles!  A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise.  First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance.  Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned.  And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.

a lot like death

By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.

have some drugs

 

or ill give you other drugs

 

“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”

The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?

Animal Instincts

While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.

hallucinating

 

“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”

 

But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy.  Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina).  Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there.  Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again .   . .

naked

 

cant get warm

It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven .  . .

know who i am

After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs.  “They are not going to drill holes in my head.”  (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.

fighting

 

key pass

 

teen wolf allison argent stiles

But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.

why does everyone keep

 

“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”

 

Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show!   Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Give me the Finger!

So many mixed metaphors on this show.  First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”

teeth

OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor.  But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer.  The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.

Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .

finger

Give him the finger . . .

Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.

more funny

 

“I’ve got it!  The answer is shadow!”

Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.

ooh

Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .

huh

 

angry

Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.

talk dirty

Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.

Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about.  Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish.  She was much more interesting then . . .

frumpy mom

La Loba . . . El Bano.

Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .

Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel   . . .

Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.

my trusty bat

 

“How did I get my bat back?”

hes not cute

“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon.  Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”

picture

“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”

In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads.  (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)

brain

Rock on, Stiles.  It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.

talking

Other turn ons for Malia?  Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .

hungry

(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)

yumm

 

kiss

What’s a girl to do?  I know!  You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!

sex me now

 

sexing

Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune!  Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot.  (So much pretty on one television screen!).

hand porn one

 

hand porn two

 

hand porn three

 

But also kind of cheap, in a way.  Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible,  with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.

crying stiles in hos

 

“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”

Then again, it’s also kind of realistic.  Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .

winky stiles

Or . .  . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!

stiles with wolf hat

Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?

You know what would be hotter though?  If they did it to This Song  . . .

Even better news?  Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .

backne

 

improved backne

 

stiles approves

Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.

stiles and dad

Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony.  And it tells them . . .  pretty much nothing.

this is silly

“It just says Shadow.”

Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host.  And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles!  You need to bulk up . . .

dylan growl

. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .

The Trouble with Eating Bugs

Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?

But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?

et tu olive

 

“Et tu Oliver?”

sucks for m

“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover?  If so, then yes.”

Now, you will!

Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned.   And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.

tied up

 

crying

But wait, there’s more!

Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?

blue eyes

Watch out, Lydia!  The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .

sterek comfort

 

lyd screams

Next time on Teen Wolf . . . Chaos!

See ya then, Werebangers!

ep 12 derek smile bitten by gif

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The Shadow Knows . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Riddled”

stiles in strife

 

honeybadger dont care

Source

“The Riddler” . . . not exactly one of  the Batman franchise’s most impressive villains.  For one thing, he seemed totally redundant.  I mean, why would Gotham need another “Joker-type” when it already had the Best Joker Ever?

good at something

Second, “The Riddler’s” modus operandi was basically asking his adversaries inane questions . . . making him seem much less like a Denizen of Evil, and much more like your Annoying High School Algebra Teacher . . .

old riddler

But, more than anything, “The Riddler” just looked lame . . .  with the scrawny body, the bad ginger haircut,  the head-to-toe neon green spandex suit with those stupid question marks all over it.  This was a man meant to evoke fear in the hearts of comic book geeks the world over?  He looked more like an out-of-shape cage dancer you’d find working at a gay nightclub catering to the over-70 crowd .  . .

gay dancing riddler

Teen Wolf too has had problems in the past creating truly terrifying looking baddies.  I mean, they always got off to a promising start.  Who could forget the mesmeric druid chanting of the Darach . . . the growls of the Alpha pack and the bloody marks they left in their wake .  . . or hushed talk of the unstoppable, all powerful Demon Wolf?

demon wolf

But then, when these evil doers finally made their way to center stage, their appearances were . . . well .  . . a bit underwhelming, to say the least . . .

cyber smurf

voldemorteet

funny face grandpa

In a sense, Season 3B’s Big Baddie is a comment on all the poorly executed villains of Teen Wolf past.  He’s a Riddler done right .  . .

whose behind the mask

Sure, just like a certain Batman character, the Nogitsune speaks in puzzle, using his words as weapons.  His war against the Scooby Gang is one waged, not on it’s body, but rather against it’s mind, soul and, perhaps most importantly, it’s heart.

crying stiles

But unlike the Baddies before him, the Nogitsune’s appearance is truly terrifying, mainly because it has no appearance at all!  By lingering in the darkness,  and shrouding itself in shadow, the Nogitsune becomes no one and everyone all at once.  He (or she) embodies all of our deepest most secret fears, and tosses them back at us in the form of a mirror showing us our darkest, most despicable, selves  . . .

whose behind the mask 2

He also has really f*&ked up teeth . . . and f&*ked up teeth are the worst .  . .

nogitsune teeth

So, come out of the shadows, Werebangers; and be sure to bring your thinking caps . . .  and some dentures,  because it’s time to get “Riddled” . . .

[Once again, a special thanks go out to Andre the Most Powerful and Talented Screencapper in all the Land . . . also the first person I would call at 4 a.m., if I ever found myself trapped in a coyote den having schizophrenic conversations with myself . . .]

Wish you were here . . .

Poor Stiles!  He’s on a Bad Trip.  And I’m not talking about the usual garden-variety bad trip . . . the kind where the pillow smells like feet, the blanket has bed bugs, the pool is being fumigated, the baby in the room next store won’t stop crying, and you are positive the housekeeping staff is stealing your toiletries.  I’m talking about the Wrong Turn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Evil Dead kind of Bad Trip . . .  the kind that usually ends with you rotting away in a forest, missing a few of your most prized body parts . . .

crawling

 

panic now

Stiles wakes up in the middle of the night to find himself in a dark, fetid smelling place, with no clue where he is or how he got there.  What’s worse,  he’s injured and can’t escape.  What’s even worse than that?  He’s pretty sure he’s not alone . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Stiles still has his trusty cell phone though!  And in Beacon Hills, even the Depths of Hell, apparently, get pretty decent cell reception.  So, Stiles does what any of us would do in a situation like this.  He calls . . . The Hottest Girl.

hot girl

Even under the best of circumstances, Scott is not exactly a brainchild.  And he’s hindered here by a sleep-fogged mind, and the almost incoherent,garbled ramblings of a confused and clearly terrified Stiles.   But Scott still does his honest best to keep his bestie calm, and find out the information he needs to find his pal quickly, and keep him from harm.

wazzuuuup

wazzup

The problem, of course, is that the call keeps getting disconnected!  And whenever Scott calls him back, it goes straight to voicemail!   Time to switch to Verizon, Scott!  (Hmmm, I wonder if I can get product placement money for saying that.)

can you hear me now scott

hear me now

 

 

Scott wakes up the new Robin to his Batman (who also happens to be currently boning his ex), Isaac, so that the two can be useless and ineffective together in finding their pal.  (You know what they say, two half-brains is better than one!)

i think i just

“I think I just pissed my self.”

orly

“Me too!”

But Stiles is no dummy.  He knows that if he wants to increase his odds of being found, he has get someone with above-average IQ on the case as well.  And so we head to Beacon Hills High, where Lydia and Aiden are engaged in some Sexy Naked Painting Times to the tune of Sexy Retro Music from not-so-retro Bose Speakers, without the threat of being found by school security, because,  as Lydia rightly notes,  “No one in their right mind would take a nightshift job at the High School Where All Extras Die Gory and Painful Deaths.”

thinker

 

the_thinker

 

lydia smirk

 

“Screw this Banshee Crime Fighting Sh*t.  I’m going to art school!”

And then, just when it seems like things are about to get a little X Rated, Stiles, whose possession by the Nogitsune has apparently armed him with Magical Cockblocking Abilities, chimes through the speakers with a Very Important Message: DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THAT DOOFUS FORMER ALPHA AGAIN, WHEN YOU COULD BE TAKING MY VIRGINITY FROM ME. “HELP FIND ME!”

sexy time

artschool

standing

bose

 

hi stiles

 

“Hey Lydia!  It’s me . . . Stiles .  . . climbing through your speakers . . . snatching up your sex life.  The usual.”

Come quick, Lydia/ Daphne!  Stiles/Velma and the rest of your Scooby Gang need you!

dammit

deflated balloon

The Cats in the Cradle

You ever play that game when you were a kid?  The one where you and a friend would hold a single string together, and use it to form a series of unrelated images, the chief of which being a baby cradle, and a cat’s eye, which all somehow wove together to tell a very abstract, loosely defined, story?

ep 9 obviously stiles

There’s a bit of childlike innocence in Stiles’ obsession with the red yarn, and his use of it to weave together “unsolved cases” in Beacon Hills.  It’s almost as if there’s a part of Stiles that believes that by physically connecting a series of unrelated incidents together with a strand of yarn, he can somehow forge a literal connection between them.

pulling strings

It’s also kind of f*&ked up.  Seeing the strands of red yarn, each connecting  from a gruesome picture on his bedside wall to his bedpost, one can’t help but be reminded of every episode of Law and Order: SVU she ever saw, where the bad guy inevitably gave away his identity by having similarly lousy taste in room decoration.

crazy board

4 12 psycho handbook

 

But, as Lydia notes when she and the Scooby Gang convene in Stiles’ yarn-warped bedroom, Stiles’ Yarn Art may very well be more than a childish pipedream, or even the workings of a diseased mind.  Stiles may be offering his friends up a clue to all the wacked out things that have happened in the town over the past few years.  Could the Nogitsune be the cause of all of them?  Could the Nemeton?

likes you  a lot

 

the picture 1

 

the picture 2

 

evil tree

 

After rightly lecturing Scott for listening to an addled-brained Stiles’ advice,  and not telling the teen’s own father he’s missing, Lydia decides to remain behind, amidst the yarn of Stiles’ psyche, in hopes that she alone might be able to decipher the message her partner in crime has been desperately trying to convey.

red unsolved

 

colored strings

If only Stiles was around to see how easy it was to get Lydia to more spend time on his bed . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

It’s Just Me, Myself, and I

With the flashlight app from his cellphone casting the only light in his world of darkness, and his foot bare and bloodied inside a coyote trap, Stiles’ schizophrenia / multiple personality disorder / existential crisis gets a bit more literal,  when a bandaged figure crouched in the corner of Stiles’ prison, scratches the Oni “Self” tattoo onto the wall in white chalk, in between what appears to be two crude drawings of eyes.  Then the figure cackles demonically and disappears, as the “self” mark evaporates, and Stiles is left alone with nothing but his smelly bloody feet and those pesky judgy eyes . . .

shin light

 

“Hey buddy, you got a first aid kit in here?  I could really use a band-aid?”

bloody foot

 

ust chillin

 

“No bandaid.  Just the entire roll of toilet paper wrapped around my head.”

disappearing self

damon dont judge

But who is Stiles’ true Self anyway?  Is he the scared kid lying on the floor in the middle of the night?  The crazy kid with all the yarn over his bed?  The goofy guy who everyone thought was funny, but no one took seriously?  The smart guy who solves all the mysteries for the Scooby Gang?  Or the freaky guy with toilet paper wrapped around his head, who draws all his “S’s” backwards?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

And just like that, this show just got a whole lot more Meta . . .

Wack-a-doodle

It’s kind of refreshing to see that Scott’s douchey dad has become the Town Joke, after he spent the first few episodes trying to make Stiles’ dad look like the crazy one.  With his jacket wrapped around him like a cape, due to his broken arm, Papa McCall storms into the Sheriff’s office and tries to give the new deputy hell for not following up on his description of the “Caped Crusader” that massacred his arm last week.

daddy o

The Deputy smiles smugly as he inclines his head toward the two Wanted Posters behind him, both of which look more like those “Learn to Draw Cartoon” advertisements you find in the back of comic books, than renderings of actual criminal masterminds.  One picture looks like a cross between a Cowboy and a Pirate.  The other looks like a cross between a Ninja and Darth Vader.

haha

 

darth vader

“Hey dipshit,” the Deputy tells Agent McCall, more or less.  “Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass long enough to listen to the police radio, every once in a while, you’d know that nobody gives two craps about the Ninja that clipped your wing, when the Sheriff’s son has gone missing on the coldest night of the year . . . .”

going to die

At the hospital, the cops have located Stiles’ jeep, but it’s been abandoned and the batteries are dead.  Surprisingly enough, it’s Derek of all people, who makes himself the most useful, by smelling Stiles’ body odor on the rooftop of the hospital, and concluding that he smells “stressed.”

on the roof sniffing

 

“Smells like Teen Spirit.”

Well thank you, Captain Obvious!   I’m glad you are here to tell me he’s stressed.  Because the last five times we’ve seen Stiles on screen, he’s seemed downright chipper to me!

winky stiles

In all seriousness though, Derek wins MVP of this episode for being the first member of the Scooby Gang to correctly ascertain that Stiles is struggling for control of his body against the Nogitsune trying to possess it, and make it do  Very Bad Things!  He proves himself further useful later, by explaining to Kira that her Electric Light Show with Barrow might have been the precise spark the Nogitsune needed to make that possession possible.

derek to andre

 

“I rule!”

Hey Sterek fans?  Do you think it’s possible that Secret Sex has the ability to transfer IQ points?  Because Derek seems to have gone and become intelligent on us all of the sudden?  Who’dda thunk it?

sterek next to eachother

 

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

Back on Stiles’ bed,  Lydia decides to play banjo with Stiles’ Crazy Strings,  and somehow comes up with the idea that Stiles might be trapped in an insane asylum.  Why? Because the Crazy Strings told her so!

touching string

Dear sweet Lydia,  Stiles might not be the only one who ends up trapped in an insane asylum by the end of this season.

now im crazy gg plotholes

On the bright side, the two of you could share a cell, and spend your days drawing one another crazy pictures!  Now, if that’s not True Love, I don’t know what is!

lyd and sty

stydia kiss 6

 

Ooh, how embarrassing!  Lydia gets the entire police force to search for Stiles in the basement of the insane asylum and he was never there!

not there

lydia brave tatikatelena

Or was he . . . .?

self

 

mischeivous stiles

My What Big Teeth You Have?

Alter Egos can be a real pain in the ass, sometimes.  And Stiles’ alter ego is the worst!  First of all, Dude doesn’t shut up.  Yammering on in Japanese, then English, then Japanese again, spouting off stupid riddles that no one cares about.  “When is a door not a door?”  “Everyone has it but no one can use it?”  “Hey,  watch my magic trick, where I make the trap on your foot switch legs!”

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

What a douchebag!

He’s basically the kid from the Jerry MacGuire movie, only slightly less adorable . . .

Then, he gets all up in Stiles face with his  janky teeth and bad breath,  and tells him that “we” have to save ourselves, or “we” are going to die.

 

2 16 damon says stop talking

Now, that’s just rude.   There’s no “we” about Stiles Situation.  Bad Teeth Guy doesn’t have his leg trapped in a coyote trap?  Bad Teeth Guy is warm and cozy in his rotten bandages, so HE’S NOT FREEZING TO DEATH in a thin cotton t-shirt.  Bad Teeth Guy can just get up and leave anytime he pleases.

In fact, he’s doing it right now, dragging Stiles across the floor, like it’s no big deal.

shut up

 

“This is really not very sanitary!”

Outside of Hell, Papa McCall has somehow used his vital life experiences of getting drunk and peeing in closets, because he was convinced they were toilets, to find Stiles in a coyote den.

Wait, what?  Did I miss a connection here?

here's a story about my pee

 

“So, basically, what I’m trying to say is that, all this time you thought I was just a bastard and a bad drunk, I was really a super hero whose pee possessed magical powers.”

So, according to Papa McCall, Stiles was sleepwalking and wandered right into the coyote den, where they found the pretty chick from The Secret Circle a few episodes back, and where the cops apparently sprayed some stinky stuff, to keep the animals, but not the Nogitsune, at bay.  And the poor guy’s basically been sleeping this whole time.  In fact, he may very well have been sleeping all through Season 3B.

rescued

That’s fine.  But it doesn’t explain the abandoned jeep, or the stinky sweat smell on the hospital roof .  . . or the Crazy Strings, or the “S” on the insane asylum wall, or what it was about Papa McCall’s laundry basket that made it look so much like his toilet . . .

gameovertoiletBig

Color me confused . . .

BatMan Strikes Again . . .

Derek wanders into Beacon Hills High, as he is wont to do on occasion, hijacks Kira, and takes her back to the site of her almost-electrocution.

kira and derek

Ahhhh . . . memories!  There, they find Stiles’ Magical Metal Bat, which has been magnetized and possibly possessed by evil demons, much like Stiles’ brain .. .

bat the bat

im batman haa

Speaking of Stiles’ brain, back at the hospital, Mama McCall finally breaks the news to Papa Stilinski that his son might be suffering from the same degenerative brain disorder that killed his mother ten years earlier.  Papa Stilinski is understandably devastated, but admits he’s been suspecting the same thing for quite awhile.   They agree to have some tests done at the hospital.

sad dad

 

“I think I liked it better when my son was solely used on this show for comic relief.”

Not cool, Teen Wolf writers.  Stiles’ brain is too cute to be fried, scrambled,  hard boiled, or sunny side up, maybe.  But never fried!

broken eggs

Fix this, Jeff Davis!  And fix it fast!  Or I’ll personally see to it that all your breakfast bacon is burnt for all eternity!

gives me joy

S.O.S. – Save Our Stiles

As Stiles waits to endure his MRI, he and Scott speak honestly about his possible condition: frontal temporal dementia, which is basically incurable . . . unless, of course, you have a powerful Alpha Werewolf Friend with the power to bite your brain, and make it healthy again.  The two lifelong best friends embrace, as their parents look-on sadly, in this quietly devastating scene that is possibly one of the series’ strongest to date . . .

bromance

A word about frontal temporal dementia . . . After reading a bit about it, am I the only one who thinks the symptoms don’t seem all that consistent with Stiles’ and his mother’s at all?

great cap

For one thing, they both seem much too young,  considering the disease tends to afflict most individuals in their 50s and 60s, while Stiles is still a teenager, and his mother passed in her early 30s.  For another, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, insomnia, none of these are listed as common symptoms of frontal temporal dementia.  In fact, they are more common symptoms of other diseases . . . like, say, a brain tumor . . .

not a tumor

So, now I’m thinking that either Jeff Davis an Co., didn’t do their web MD homework, before choosing their character’s ailments, or BOTH Stiles and his mom never had frontal temporal dementia at all.  Rather, they are/were both suffering from something else .  . . something everyone has but no one can lose . . . the Shadow of the Nogitsune.

crying stiles in hos

Though,  I guess the MRI they show of Stiles’ brain toward the end of the episode would beg to differ with me . . .

thanks mommy the mri

What do I know, I’m not a doctor . . . I’m just the recapper.

doctor-bot-operation

Speaking of symptoms . . .

Lydia appears to be suffering from a really bad migraine.

lyd screams

Did I say migraine?  I meant MRI / brain hijacking sympathy pains for Stiles.

 

It’s not easy being a banshee . . .

In which the Bad Guys Win . . .

Inside the MRI machine, Stiles faces off with Toilet Paper Head, FINALLY solves that stupid riddle (“It’s a SHADOW, DAMMIT!”), and gets to meet the man behind the Charmin for all his trouble.

eyes open

And the guy dressed up in the lame Mummy Halloween costume with the funky-looking teeth is .  . .

great shot

toilet paper on floor

good stiles

STILES?!

bad stiles more

 

BabyScared

Wait . . . what?

take off shadow

So, Stiles has an evil doppelganger?  What is this The Vampire Diaries?  All I know is if someone starts talking about “Saving Elena” I’m changing the channel . . .

shadow self

All kidding aside, Evil Stiles is both super cool, and extremely terrifying.  Real Stiles could stand to take a few notes from this guy . . . what with his sexy Bad Guy Walk, and sly self confidence.  Lydia would f*&k Evil Stiles in a heart beat . . .

no thank you

 

stydia big 2

By the way, I’d totally watch the HBO version of this show, in which Stiles and Evil Stiles engage in a threesome with Banshee Lydia . . .  Now, that would give her a good reason to scream .  . .

not an orgy - Copy

Back on the roof of the hospital, Derek and Scott learn that Real Stiles and his stinky stress sweat, ultimately lost the battle with Evil Stiles and the pair ended up electrifying the entire power grid of the hospital, all  while Real Stiles was supposedly “dreaming” in the smelly coyote den.

explosion

Take that, Papa McCall . . .

electrifying

Elsewhere in the hospital, Evil Stiles attempts to make his escape, only to be encountered by the two remaining Oni he didn’t kill in last week’s episode, and their fearless leader . . . Kira’s mom?

bamf

 

honeybadger dont care

 

It’s a pretty cool scene, actually, with Kira’s mom all sophisticated and self-righteous, “I’ll kill you, even if you are hiding inside the most popular character on Teen Wolf!”   She threatens coolly.

stiles doesn't care

 

bored now

Evil Stiles shrugs it off, throwing some major shade in the direction of his elder.  “Bring it on, Firefly B*tch,” he responds, before casually walking out of a hospital that’s about to be completely electrified.  In other words, Nogitsune Stiles is the Honey Badger . . . basically . . .

Outside the hospital, a stray electrified wire almost kills Kira . . .

foxfire

ah no

 

surprised-face

Somehow, I think the Girl on Fire will make it out just fine .  . .

Speaking of girls Scott wants to bone, Allison seems to be on a completely different show from everybody else.  She slept through Stiles’ entire ordeal.   And now she’s getting telephone messages from Fake Japanese Internment Camps?  (By the way, for an honestly brilliant theory about the Nogitsune’s true identity that actually connects to Allison’s bizarro subplot, check THIS out . . .)

two allisons

Evil Stiles is unamused . . .

unamused

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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Stiles-ception – A (Ridiculously Late) Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 3B Premiere “Anchors”

dark tunnel

Source

“Is this real? Am I real?  Is this even a real door?  If I repeatedly bang my head on it, will I figure it out?  Ouch . . . ouch . . . ouch, maybe not.”

What’s up, my fellow Werebangers!  I missed you!

ep 8 i love you twg

How was your New Years?  Did you dance?

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Meet any new and interesting people?

surprise bitch

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Die in a bath tub, and come back to life, only to realize you’ve somehow forgotten how to read?

cold stiles

read good

cant read good

(Don’t worry if this happens to be the case.  Most of this blog post will be pictures anyway . . . :))

Wherever you’ve been, whatever you’ve done, worry not!  Your Werebanger Family welcomes you back with open arms.

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

So, lets get on with this recap, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big werewolfy round of applause for my good pal Andre, who in addition to being the Lean Mean Screencapping Machine who generously provided us with all the awesome pictures you see here, also happens to be a pretty kickass person, in general.]

Sleeping with Stiles . . .

sleeping stilessss

Teen Wolf . . . it’s no longer just a show you watch to see hot guys take their shirts off, flex their muscles, and get all sweaty with one another . . .

(Though that, in and of itself, is a pretty good reason to watch the show.)

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

more shirtless male review

shirtless issac

This is show is educational!  You learn stuff here!  For example, this week on Teen Wolf, I learned about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of “Bardo,”which from what I gather, is basically a cross between Purgatory, and whatever the f*&k happened on the last season of Lost  . . .

state between life and death

20100524_lostending_560x375

“So you mean to tell me all this time, we thought we were battling Baddies, Bionic Bears, and Black Smoke in a jungle, we were really just sitting around in this lame old church?”

Also, I learned from Stiles all the nifty tricks you can use to tell that your dreaming, while you are actually dreaming .  . . you know, for all those times you find yourself possibly-but-maybe-not asleep, and don’t have on hand Leonardo DiCaprio’s Magical Spinning Top from Inception . . .

spinning-top-inception

We start the episode off in bed with Stiles, which is as good a place as any to start off a series, AM I RIGHT ladies (and men)?

hi stiles

We know immediately that Stiles is dreaming, by the way he’s sweating, rapidly blinking his eyes, moaning amorously, curling his toes under his blanket, and thrusting upward, while he grabs on to his sheets for dear life .  . .

amorous sleeping stiles

Unfortunately for us fans, it ended up not being one of THOSE kind of dreams.  But we totally see where you were going with this, Jeff Davis, you naughty minx, you .  . .

gives me joy

At the start of the “Dream,” Stiles comes out of the closet . . . er . . . I mean the locker . . .

stiles comes out

“I feel so liberated!”

Then, Stiles takes a long slow glance in the mirror to remind fans how buff he’s gotten during the hiatus .  . .

buff stiles

“Someone’s been sneaking Wheaties into my Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs . .  .”

Stiles hears a sound, so he goes to investigate.  This is what he finds . . .

evil tree

“Don’t you just hate it when an Evil Tree crashes through your classroom, and then tries to eat you?”

feed me seymour

feed me

I know I do!

Then, Stiles “wakes up” only to learn that he’s slept through his entire courtship with Lydia!  Apparently, they’ve gone from “heat of the moment” first kiss partners, to bed buddies, who sleep together on school nights and massage one other’s arms after nightmares, in the span of less than two episodes . . .

lyd and sty

Source

“Is it Season 5, already?”

This is the moment I usually realize that I’m dreaming . .  . when things are simply too good to be true. . .

stiles

Stiles breaks the fourth wall at this point in the narrative, leading us to believe that he realizes he’s still dreaming as well . . .

stiles looks at camera

“I can’t really be this much of a pimp, yet . . . CAN I?”

And while most hot blooded teens would take advantage of their Super Awesome Dream, by say .  . .  taking this unique opportunity to do away with a certain Pesky Virginity Problem .  . .

sex me now 2

Stiles, being the tragic hero we know him to be, decides instead to go and CLOSE THE DOOR . .  .

door

3 the door 1st

This concept of THE DOOR, is one that presents itself throughout the episode.  Throughout the hour, we see Stiles and Allison, in their dreamlike states opening doors that they shouldn’t, doors that release evil spirits, funky trees, and b*tchy dead aunts into the ether.  We learned last season from Deaton, that “dying and returning to life in a bathtub” opened a seemingly figurative, but possibly literal, door in the characters’ minds, through which some pretty nasty Big Bads can pass through, if they aren’t careful.

in tub

Notice how adamant Dream Lydia was against Stiles closing the door to his room / mind.  This reminded me a bit of something Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Inception said about dream characters becoming violent toward anyone or anything that might disrupt the dream.  Perhaps, Dream Lydia didn’t want Stiles to close the door in his dream, because if he did, it would end his Bardo, thereby closing off the possibility of the evil demons connected to the Evil Tree / Nemeton breaking free into the Real World.

lyd screams

That would make Dream Lydia kind of evil.  So maybe it was a good thing Stiles didn’t have sex with her . . .

Then again, Stiles never actually closes the door.  Instead he WALKS THROUGH IT, thereby exposing himself, once again to the Nemeton, and the horrors of sleep paralysis . . . which, some might say, was a worse result than if he simply ignored the door and started humping his lady love. . .

wake uppppp

“DAMMIT, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I COULD HAVE GOTTEN LAID!”

wake uppppp stiles

We then see Stiles wake up, go to school and tell Scott all about his theories about waking dreams, and how his, in particular, might be related to the Sacrifice to the Nemeton that the three of them made last season.  Scott grunts, stares at his friend dumbfounded, and has absolutely nothing whatsoever intelligent or helpful to say, as per usual.  Everyone in the class pretends the two boys don’t exist, despite the fact that they are both rather attractive, have great bodies, and are talking very loudly about very weird sh*t .  . .  also as per usual.  Everything seems normal enough.  But Stiles still feels like something is off . . .

is this real babe

And that’s when he wakes up again . . . for real this time . . . maybe . . .

stiles and dad

In a sense, Stiles’ intense self awareness and extensive knowledge of dream states functions as both a blessing and a curse for him.  On one hand, Stiles is more likely than any other character on the show to instinctively realize he is dreaming.  Therefore, he would theoretically have the easiest time lucidly navigating his own dream world, and, when necessary, waking himself up.  On the other hand, Stiles’ innate ability to detect dreamlike things in everyday occurrences will undoubtedly cast a pall of strangeness on every aspect of his life, leaving him perpetually uncertain as to whether he is ALWAYS AWAKE or ALWAYS ASLEEP.

stiles and the new pack

This has led some to speculate that Stiles may already be dead (either from the tub, or from the car accident he experienced later that same episode), and that the entire second half of the season is taking place in his (unconscious?) (comatose?) (purgatoried?) mind . . .

ep 9 stiles hale tumblr going to die

In short, the cold open to Season 3B was about twenty times more meta than anything we’ve seen on the show, thus far.  But I liked it.  Unlike most dream sequences in teen shows, which bash you on the head with their symbolism  (Common Example 1: A precocious student is afraid of bombing her SATs.  So, she has a dream that she bombs her SATs, and ends up a homeless bum.  Common Example 2: A woman fears her Bad Boy boyfriend lacks ambition.  So she has a dream that she marries him, and ends up living in a dirty trailer park with 10 kids, married to her Bad Boy boyfriend, who is now a fat, burping, unemployed mess.), Stiles dreams were subtle, confusing, and disjointed.  They didn’t insult viewers’ intelligence, by tying everything up in a nice pretty Bardo Bow.  And that made them seem more like . . . well . . . real dreams . . .

dream bigger

I still wanted to see Stiles get dream laid though . . .

stiles with wolf hat

My Shadow Self

As is usually the case on this show,  other characters experience Real Problems, while Scott experiences things that are mildly annoying, but also kind of fun / funny.

nails

“My Shadow Self really needs a manicure.”

manicured

“If you think it, it will come . . .”

Allison has 100% turned into Haley Joe Osment’s character from The Sixth Sense . . .

i see dead people

Complete with cold gusts of air coming out of her mouth, every time she encounters the dead . . .

cold alli

“Oooh, either it’s getting a little nippley in here . . . or I just stumbled into a commercial for breath mints.”

breath mint

She’s also hallucinating entire trips to the hospital mortuary on her walks to school, and may or may not be suffering from multiple personality disorder  . . .

two allisons

“Which one of us do you think looks better in this outfit, Me or me?”

To top that off, her hands are shaking constantly, as if she’s suffering from DTs, so she can’t shoot her bow and arrow for sh*t, and her pesky zombie dead aunt, not only can’t seem to leave her alone, but almost made her  kill her best friend, and TOTALLY cockblocked her Awesome Dream Sex with Isaac. . .

peekaboo i see

“Helllooooo?   Anybody in there?”

whassuppp

“Sup, girl?”

BabyScared

shooting

hello again its me

“Hey again.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were avoiding me, Allison?”

see me

“Was it something I said?   Is it because I have zombie breath?”

surprised-face

woah

“Woah, Allison, there are much easier ways to make sure you win prom queen than scalping the competition .  . .”

shexy

“Oh Isaac, I’ve wanted this for at least three episodes so long.”

cock block 1

“Hey girl!  Can I get in on this too?  Argent Family Threesome?”

not an orgasm

“Worst . . . orgasm . . . EVER!”

So, I’d say that’s all pretty sucky.  Stiles, as we know, can’t tell whether he’s asleep or awake . . . like ALL THE TIME.  He may, in fact, already be dead . . .  As if that wasn’t bad enough, the sole income earner in his family either just got fired from his job by his best friend’s bio dad .  . .

sheriff do not remove

more files

. . . and /or became a serious hoarder.  And to top it off, in the past couple of days, Stiles has officially become a barely functioning illiterate who can’t count to ten . . . .

cant read

weird writing

read good

Source

So, in what horrible way has Scott been affected by the ritual sacrifice you ask?  Well, his shadow is being sort of a pain in the ass . . .

peter pan

“My shadow has officially become more attractive than I am.  Now, I know how Peter Pan felt. . .”

take off shadow

“I am SO done competing with this douchebag.  Off he goes!”

And his best friend is crushing on his ex . . .

fly isa

weeeee

“Weeee . . .  I’m flying.  Hey Scott, is this what it feels like to have sex with Allison?

Oh, and he’s also experiencing a massive case of dry eyes / anger management issues!

red eye scott

nothing to see here

“Nothing to see here.  This is totally normal.  I treat my friend like he’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame all the time!”

pain

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m horny . . . “

smash 2

In  other words, it’s nothing a little Visine, and a pep talk from Mommy about how he’ll find love again, couldn’t cure . . .

visine

mommy dearest

“You don’t need a girlfriend to keep you from turning into a monster, Scott.  Remember what that nice man Anthony Bates said in Psycho, ‘A boy’s best friend is his mother . . .’ “

janet leigh pyscho scream

ep 8 more shower scott 2

Perhaps, that wasn’t the best example.

So, to summarize, Stiles and Allison are going through Hell.  And Scott?  Well, he’s going through puberty . . .

That’s Sign Language for “You’re totally f*&ked.”

all signing

signage

Have you ever had one of those dreams, where it’s the end of the semester, and you realize that you totally spaced and forgot to attend one of your classes.  And now,  suddenly, you have to go take a final for a class for which you’ve never even cracked open a book?

ep 8 funny stiles

Well, imagine that the class was Sign Language 101.  And you arrive to find everyone repeatedly, and angrily motioning toward you in a way that might be the Macarena dance, for all the significance it has to you.

1996_macarena

That’s what happens to poor Stiles in this episode.  Fortunately, our trusty old Coach Crackpot is there to wake our hero up from his nightmare.  The problem, of course, is that, while all this was happening, Stiles wasn’t actually sleeping.   He was . . . drawing . . .

wake up scrib

But wait . . . check out the shape of Stiles’ incessant scribble of “Wake Ups.”  Does it look like anything to you?  Because it sure as heck looks like an “anchor” to me . . . as in .  . . THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE .  . .

anhor

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Here’s a theory.  You know how all the werewolves require a mental “anchor” to keep themselves from wolfing out at inopportune moments.  What if to escape “Bardo,” our heroes also need an anchor to keep them “tied down” to the real living world, which is becoming increasingly hard for them to reach?

nodding oh yeah

Kind of like the “anchors” who first guided our heroes into the Ritual Ice Bath Sacrifice in the first place?  (i.e. Lydia for Stiles, Isaac for Allison, Deaton for Scott, or according to Scott’s mother, Scott for Scott).

About that whole “Bardo” Concept . . .

So, it just occurred to me that I’ve been going about this  recap kind of backwards, in the sense that I’ve been consistently referring to this Bardo Concept, without explaining how this information was actually introduced to our characters . . .

verbal keyboard smash

It all started with Lydia, who was taking way too much joy in the fact that she was no longer the token wackadoo of the group . . . i.e. the one who screamed really loudly at really inappropriate times for no reason at all, occasionally drugged her friends with wolfsbane, and had a strange tendency to wander around in the forest naked in the middle of the night .. . (Well, actually, she’s still that person.  But now all her friends are acting just as nuts.)

no longe crazy

She also really, really wanted to figure out what the heck was going on with all her friends.

(By the way, you would think that a BANSHEE would be a bit more attuned to the fact that her entire social circle is potentially half-dead.  But whatever . . .)

you crazy

“Well, you all can’t be THAT dead, because I’m not screaming my head off.  Then, again, if all of this is just a dream in Stiles’ head then . . . at least his subconscious put me in a cute outfit.”

And while Lydia was busy being totally stumped by the situation, someone else had already figured things out.  Meet Kira . . .

teehee

She’s the new girl in school.  This is her dad . . . who is a history teacher, and who is inexplicably teaching Kira’s history class, despite the fact that the school is pretty large and likely has at least two other history teachers on the faculty who weren’t murdered by evil Druids . . .

new guy

“I really don’t want to be a history teacher.  History teachers never survive supernatural teen shows.  Can’t I teach gym, or woodworking?  How about making me a nice lunch lady?  No one ever kills the lunch lady.  I’d even be willing to wear a hairnet.”

Some have speculated that Kira (or her dad) might be the foxy kitsune who gets into our Scooby Gang’s heads this half of the season, and functions as its trickstery, mental manipulating big bad.  But, for now, all we know about her is that she knows all about Tibetan Buddhism and Bardo, totally believes Scott and Co. are hallucinating and stuff because they are about to croak.  Oh, and Scott thinks she’s a total hottie.  Anywhoo, I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of this chick . . .

Speaking of Characters Whose Sole Purpose Seems to Be to Explain Complicated Tidbits of Mythology to the Audience. . .

oooh

He pops up just in time to tell the kiddies what we all pretty much figured out from the promos.  Basically, that whole ritual sacrifice thingy, which actually had nothing at all to do with the finale or how Darach Jenny was ultimately defeated has made them Stiles, Scott and Allison, nutzo.  And so they all need to  . . . wait for it . . . close the doors in their brains to keep them from going straight to hell and letting all the evil demons escape into the world, just like they keep threatening to do but never actually do on The Vampire Diaries  . . .

demons

helpful

Don’t worry Isaac.  At least you were more helpful than Deaton, this week!

In Seemingly Unrelated News . . .

This guy . . .

le douche

 . . . is a total douche, who is trying to take Stiles’ dad’s Sheriff job away, seemingly just because that’s the kind of thing douches do.

Stiles’ dad, of course, wants to keep his job, and randomly decides that solving a REALLY, REALLY cold case involving a missing little girl who IF she was still alive she’s totally still alive would be Stiles’ age now, is precisely the way to do it . . .

Meet, not really dead Malia Tate . . .

malia tate

Her mother and sister(?) were killed in what may or may not have been a wolf mauling, but her body was never found. Malia Tate looks a bit like a younger version of this lady, Shelly Hennig, who has signed on to be a “Super Secret Important Character on this Show.”

malia older

They even have the same side part in their hair!

For reasons that don’t quite make sense to me, Stiles’ dad decides to visit Malia’s slightly strange, and very pissed off, still grieving father, who has a strange obsession with, and seeming hatred, for coyotes  . . .

holding trap

“Coyotes are evil.  My missing daughter and/or I might be a were-coyote.

  . . . so that Scott can quite literally sniff around Malia’s room, and see if he can pick up her scent, despite her not having lived in the house for about ten years . . .

smelling stuff

She must have been a really smelly girl?

Scott can’t seem to latch on to Malia’s body odor.  But he and Stiles do have a fun little encounter with another smelly creature .. .

hanging with doggy

“Please let me join your pack.  I’m already house trained.”

cute dog

“I’m also a very good finder.”

Stiles and Scott narrowly escape the Tate home without being discovered by Creepy Papa Tate.  Later that night, the two of them head off into the night in search of Malia’s dead body.  (Riiiiiight, because this strategy of searching for dead things in the forest has served them both so well in the past . . .)

teen wolf chewed body

And while they don’t locate Malia’s corpse, the best friends do come upon one of her baby dolls, which, just so happens to have the best working batteries of any toy I’ve ever seen  . . .

hungry

What toy works that well after 10 years?  Even the Chuckie doll  from the Child’s Play series has started to show signs of slowing down, and he’s possessed by an honest-to-goodness serial killer . . .

Later that night, Scott stumbles upon a coyote or wolf (I’m not really good at differentiating between K-9’s) and is inexplicably convinced it’s Malia . . .

malia

It’s important to note that the creature .. .  whatever it is . . .  has blue eyes, which means it has killed innocents (possibly its own family members . . . possibly by accident, during a Full Moon turn).  So, who is it . . . Malia Tate?   Her father?  The Mysterious Kira?  It’s probably too soon to know for sure.

Oh, and for those of you who have been wondering where Derek and Sassy Peter have been all episode . . . the answer will shock you . . .

hostage

electroshock therapy

electrifying

Poor Derek!  He can’t even make it through one episode without having his manhood burned and denigrated in some way.  But hey, at least he still looks good shirtless . . .

ep 9 yeah shirtless derek

Some thing never change . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .

And if that didn’t whet your appetite, perhaps this will . . .

http://www.mtv.com/shows/teen_wolf/ep-14-sneak-peek/991310/video/#id=1719787

Until next time, Werebangers!  Sweet dreams . . .

stydia kiss 5

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