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When Life Gives You Lemons . . . – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “The Age of Reason”

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I continue to learn a lot from Boardwalk Empire.  For example, this week, I learned that the Age of Reason is seven-years old (which sucks, because I was really hoping I hadn’t gotten there yet).  I also learned that you should always brush your hair, before giving birth to a baby by yourself in your bedroom.  (You never know who might be stopping by.)

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“Her hair . . . it was just so . . . UNKEMPT!”

Additionally, I learned some very interesting things about kosher meat preparation.   Also, did you know that it is possible to seduce someone, just by offering to sweep up their cornflakes?

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Because it is!  (Owen, you sneaky STUD, you!)

Finally, I learned that, if you make out with your mom in public, Uncle Junior from The Sopranos will TOTALLY judge you!

You should be ashamed of yourself, you Mother Pucker! 

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

“I’ll Keep You, My Dirty Little Secret.”

Pyromaniac Teddy has to make his First Confession this week.  So, why is Margaret the one who’s panties are all in a bunch?  Could it be because SHE has been doing a little sinning of her own?

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“I am not having sexual thoughts right now.  I am simply stroking this broom up and down repeatedly, because the friction helps me to clean better.  Yes . . . that’s it.”

After spending some quality time with the priest, Margaret arrives home to enjoy what has become her favorite past time over the past few weeks: namely, The Passive Aggressive Verbal Assault of Maid Katie.  Truth be told, Margaret seems to have had it out for this Dangerous Maid, ever since the latter learned the truth about her “secret” identity, and the family she left behind.  This week’s jabs are directed at the highly spirited naked aerobics noises Margaret heard coming Katie’s room, in the last episode.

MARGARET: “I just want to let you know that I think your loud sex moans are totally fake and unnecessary.  This is HBO, not Skinemax.” 

KATIE: For your information, my moans are totally real.  Perhaps, you’ve just never had a partner that was good enough to make you scream like that.”

“HEY!  I heard that!”

“Your behavior . . . there are children in this house, as you are well aware,” snorts Queen Mother Margaret, as she stalks out of the room.

Cut to the next scene, where Nucky is riding Margaret, like she’s one of those coin-operated horses you see outside supermarkets.

Aside from showing Margaret’s apparent hypocrisy .  . . as far as sex scenes go, this one is pretty darn ugly . . .  with Nucky flopping all over the place, like a fish out of water, and Margaret, lying there, more or less immobile, with a look on her face, like she just smelled something skanky.  Then it ends, and Studly Nucky lights up a cigarette, while patting himself on the back  for a job well done . . .

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NUCKY: “Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

MARGARET: “I plea the Fifth.”

Though Nucky would probably like nothing better than to roll over like a dog and go to sleep, after his 30-second exertion, he notices that Margaret looks upset.   (Isn’t she always?)   So, he decides to ask her what’s wrong?  Just like the insecure school girl, Katie seems to turn her into, Margaret begins awkwardly fishing for compliments from her current lover.  “Do you not find me attractive?” Margaret asks poutily.  Um . . . Margaret, perhaps, the better question is, “Do you actually find Nucky attractive?”

George Clooney, he ain’t!

“We just made love,” Nucky offers soothingly.  (That’s right, Nucky, because no man has EVER screwed a woman he DIDN’T find attractive.)

“Sometimes it feels like you are elsewhere,” Margaret admits.

Margaret then reveals to Nucky the true source of her stress.  It involves the Confession she is expected to give to the priest prior to Teddy’s First Confession, so that she can “set a good example” for her probably already a sociopath / future serial killer son.  Nucky tells his “lover,” in no uncertain terms, that she should NOT reveal anything to the priest about his and Margaret’s “shared history,” which could be described as “morally ambiguous” to say the least.  “How Catholic are you, really?”  He asks casually.

“Catholic enough to shove this halo up your ass . . .” 

However, the accusation and paranoia creeping into Nucky’s voice when he says this, is not lost on Margaret, who retorts, “If you are feeling guilty, perhaps you should take that up with the priest yourself,” she replies.

Game . . . Set . . . Match.  Margaret: 1, Nucky: 0 (actually negative 1, for being bad in bed).

Later, Owen pays a visit to Margaret to defend the honor of his Lady Love, Katie.  After taking FULL responsibility for the Dangerous Maid’s EXTRA LOUD moans of erotic passion, this Pimp Daddy proceeds to cleverly fondle Margaret’s hands and arms, under the guise of “helping her sweep up the Corn Flakes.”  (So, that’s what the cool kids are calling it, nowadays!)  Poor Margaret is total puddy in this guy’s hands, and immediately starts swooning, like a school girl, whose nursing a major crush on the star quarterback.

Owen also makes sure to purposefully accidentally refer to Miss Schroeder as Miss Thompson to REMIND her that she is NOT a married woman, and, therefore, has no LEGAL obligation to continue having bad sex with Nucky, when she can be having GREAT sex with this tall glass of Irish Whisky.  Message sent and received . . .

At confession, Margaret speaks NOT of all the criminal activities she’s gotten up to with Nucky, but rather  of the erotic feelings she’s been having for a “very bad man,” who provides her with “nothing.”  Though she doesn’t mention that man’s name, I think it’s pretty safe to guess that it probably rhymes with Mowin’ Cheater.  Sorry, Nucky!  It looks like this honeymoon is OVER!

“Anyone know how you spell Margaret’s last name?  How about Owen’s?”

Meanwhile, in Creepy Crazy Van Alden Land . . .

“I Know Who What You Did, Nine Months Ago”

“Peekaboo!”

Lucy is SUPER tired of being preggers, and is seriously craving some lemons.  Van Alden, being the real sweetheart he is,  promises to get her some, after work.  Today, “work” for Van Alden involves visiting that employee of his that got burnt to a crisp at a liquor distillery, while trying to expose Van Alden for being a total fraud and secret boozehound.  Van Alden stands guiltily over the latter’s now charred and grotesque form, blubbering on about how the man’s fate is now the Lord’s hands, and what-not.

But then, the Human Bacon Lookalike starts chanting ominously, “I see you.  I know what you did!”

This freaks Van Alden out, BIG TIME.  So, he rushes outside in the hallway, where he is met with (GASP!) a flickering lamp. Oh no!  It MUST be a sign from the Lord that the hospital needs to hire better maintenance people Van Alden is about to be punished for his EVIL WAYS!

Frantic, Van Alden calls his wife, whining that he is a BAD MAN, who doesn’t deserve her, and isn’t fit for his job.  (Tell, us something we DON’T know, Van A$$hole!)  Mrs. Van Al-turd is understandably disturbed by her husband’s uncharacteristic demonstration that he might actually have a soul.

There’s something fishy going on.” 

“I’ll say!”

Meanwhile, Lucy’s water has broken.  And no one is around to get her to a hospital.  She tries to get the neighbor kid to do it.  But he takes one look at Lucy, and hides behind a curtain.  (Honestly, can you blame him?)  For most of the episode, we are “treated” to extremely uncomfortable interludes of Lucy, doing nothing but squatting awkwardly on various pieces of furniture, and moaning . . . (and I’m not talking about the GOOD Katie and Owen moaning, either).

“Please, make it stop.” 

Then, she brushes her hair out in the mirror, and proceeds to give birth to her baby, all by her lonesome.  (But, who cut the umbilical chord?)

“Dr. Jimmy, at your service!” 

Back at the hospital, Van Creepo is completely unaware of the fact that he has just become a daddy.  However, he has received some other good news.  As it turns out, The Human Bacon isn’t REALLY the voice of the LORD.  Rather, he is just some delirious, close to dying, DUDE, who spout out random crap at completely inopportune moments.  We see that, when he tells the NURSE that . . . wait for it . . .”He sees [her].  And knows what she did.”

But wait . . . it gets better.  Here’s what he says next: “You ate all the pie!  I’m going to tell MA!”

Suddenly, Van Douchebag’s conscience is clear!  (HOORAY!)  He comes home lighthearted (with his bag of lemons, of course!) to find broken glass all over the floor.  But before he can beat Lucy to a pulp, for being such a pig, he finds her in bed, nuzzling their newborn evil spawn.  “I did it all myself,” says Lucy.  “It’s a girl.”

Since Van Wackadoo is incapable of showing any genuine emotions, aside from anger, and discomfort, the Agent awkwardly excuses himself to get a doctor.   When he returns, he is shocked to find the lemons he bought, placed neatly in a bowl . . .

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The broken glass has also been cleaned up, and Lucy’s bloody nightgown soaking in the sink.  (Really?   Because, I would throw that sh*t out, SO FAST!  Can you imagine wearing that again?)

Van Doofus is SHOCKED.  “Wow,” he thinks to himself.  “That Lucy is pretty amazing.  She just gave birth, without a doctor, and still manages to find the energy to clean the house!  What a saint!”

But, then, he goes back into Lucy’s room and finds .  . . HIS WIFE, THERE.

DOH!

Van Cheater is in BIG TROUBLE.  “This child is FOR YOU!” He offers, pleadingly, as the two wrestle against the wall.  Then, Rose BITES HIM ON THE WRIST, vampire style, before storming out of the boarding house.

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Whoops!  So, much for a family reunion.   I hope you’ve saved up for a good babysitter, Mr. Van Newly Single.  Because, something tells me that you, and Lucy Can’t Close Her Legs are going to need one . . .

Speaking of plans gone awry . . .

Green Shoes and Legal Blues

Nucky’s Evil Genius Plan to get his Election Fraud case moved to federal court, where (he thought) it would promptly be dismissed, gets off to a good start, when Ugly Green Toad Shoes, Esquire succeeds in getting the case removed from state court.  But then, Nucky’s BIG BAD ENEMIES, Senator Hedge and Mr. Cincinatti / I Only Talk About Myself in the Third Person, Remus . . .

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 . .   band together to blackmail Nucky’s allies into hiring a more vigorous prosecutor to throw the book at Nucky.

This means Nucky might actually have to defend himself in court against a REAL lawyer.  He’s SUPER PISSED .  . . so pissed, in fact, that he tosses Ugly Green Toad Shoes, Esquire right out of the Ritz Carlton, without even waiting for him to finish screwing the whores he hired at Nucky’s behest.  Now . . . that’s just bad manners . . .

Finally, let’s check in on Jimmy D . . .

“Not Every Insult Requires a Response”

Simon says, stick out your arm.  Simon says, hold up your gun.  Now, SHOOT . . . (MANNY!  I didn’t say “Simon Says!”  You’re out!)

Jimmy, Gillian, and a still not particularly communicative Commodore, are meeting in the Commodore’s living room with Uncle Junior from The Sopranos, who doesn’t seem nearly as torn up as you would think he would be about his friend’s unfortunate scalping, last week.  In fact, he seems much more disturbed by the big wet one Mommy Dearest leaves on Jimmy’s lips, as she exits the room.

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JIMMY: “If he’s that grossed out by this, what would he say, if he knew she used to kiss my winkie, when I was a baby and still does.”

Though highly socially aware in most circumstances, this really does seem to be the first time Jimmy sees what his bizarro relationship with his mother, must look like to other people.  “She just does that sometimes,” he tells Uncle Junior, with an embarrassed look on his face.

“I’m confused.  Doesn’t everybody’s mother try to make out with them, every once in a while?”

Fortunately, for Jimmy, Uncle Junior isn’t here to talk about incest.  He’s here to discuss Jimmy’s leadership techniques, and how they could stand some improvement.  “Not every insult requires a response,” notes Uncle Junior cleverly.

In other words, it is not necessary to scalp every old man who tells you that you lack respect for your elders, and proceeds to hit you on the head with a cane . . .

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Overreact, much?

By way of example, Uncle Junior notes how Commodore was a big blow hard as a County Treasurer, while Nucky was more prudent, ambitious, and not afraid to grease a few wheels to get what he wanted.  This , he explains, is why Nucky was more successful than Commodore in his position.

“Oh yeah?  Well, I bet HE can’t hold a big fat phallic elephant tusk over his head!  Oh wait . . . I can’t do that anymore, either.” 

Jimmy gets a chance to use what he learned from Uncle Junior, soon enough.  It begins, when he’s walking on the boardwalk, and sees Nucky walking with known mobster, Waxy Gordon (enemy to JIMMY’s new ally Manny Horovitz) and Manny’s associate Traitor Herman.

To ensure he hasn’t been seen, Jimmy plants a big sloppy tongue kiss on his lesbian wife, in order to hide his face.

Smooth move, Romeo!  (Just don’t tell your Mom, or she’ll get jealous.)

Later, Jimmy rats out Traitor Herman to Manny, who responds by stringing the poor guy upside down in a meat locker.

After getting Traitor Herman to admit that he was conspiring with Waxy to help Nucky secure a liquor shipment, Manny asks Jimmy to slit his friend’s throat, because, as a kosher butcher, he isn’t permitted to kill an already wounded animal.

“This Bud’s for you!” 

It’s a power play, for sure.  But Jimmy only shows the slightest hint of hesitation, before slitting Herman’s throat, in a killing that wasn’t quite as grotesque as the two we saw last week, but still made me hide under my pillow for a few moments, while watching . . .

Later, when Manny, Jimmy and Richard come to intercept the liquor shipment (in a scene echoing the one from the pilot, in which Jimmy and Al Capone did the same thing), they are shocked to find Lucky and Meyer are the ones doing the shipping!  The shock is so great for the usually UBER polite Richard, that it causes him to swear, for what is likely the first time.  This, of course, is oddly adorable, as is most everything Richard Harrow does except , when he scalps people, of course . . .

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Manny wants to kill EVERYBODY, but Jimmy holds him off.  “Not every insult requires a response,” insists Jimmy, echoing the very same words Uncle Junior uttered to him, earlier in the episode.

Tony Soprano approves (even though he hates Uncle Junior) 

That is when Meyer, ever the diplomat and expert negotiator, suggests a plan.  If Waxy and Jimmy team up with Lucky and Meyer in the heroine business, everybody wins.  “Our predecessors’ time has passed,” he remarks prophetically.

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Jimmy and Manny then agree to let Lucky and Meyer complete the liquor delivery, so as not to alert Nucky and his minions about agreement that has just been made.  Then, Manny shoots some 13-year old kid, for sh*ts and giggles, and everybody goes home . . .

It’s just another day on the Boardwalk, folks . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Let’s Not Lose Our Heads Over This – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Gimcrack and Bunkum”

[Note:  For those of you looking for a Gossip Girl Recap for “The Fasting and The Furious,” check back around this time tomorrow (October 26th) and it should be up by then.  Sorry for the delay! :)]

NUCKY:  “Mirror, mirror on the wall.  Who’s the most badass of them all?  I am, because I beat the crap out of my own brother in the Garden Room.”

JIMMY: “I scalped some old dude in his house, while forcing him to eat a Native American Breach Cloth.”

NUCKY: “DOH!”

Let’s be honest.  Many of us watch gangster dramas for the WHACKINGS. . .

Not THAT kind of whacking . . . 

Sure, we might pretend to be all “evolved and mature” about these shows.  We might even talk a good game about how impressed we are with the “adult things,” like the “cinematography,” and the “symbolism,” and the “character development.”  Yet, in reality, most of us are just secretly waiting for the moment when the character we always knew was a goner anyway, gets murdered in a highly creative and equally disturbing way . . .

And a good gangster drama doesn’t just whack people, wily nily.  There’s got be a build up to the murders . . . some anticipation . . . and longing. So, when the killing actually arrives, you, the viewer, feel rewarded . . . like you’ve earned it.  In short, gangster dramas treat whackings, like teen dramas treat kisses between soulmates.  Technically speaking, both should happen ALL THE TIME, in EVERY episode.  But because they don’t . . . and because you are taunted and teased with the prospect of them, each week, when they DO happen, it is a true Thing of Beauty.

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That’s what “Gimcrack and Bunkum” was to me . .  . a true Thing of Beauty.  Sure, it had good “cinematography,” “character development,” and Richard Harrow being lifted out of an existential crisis by a dog, who tried to eat his “face” off.  But more importantly than all of that, it had two truly spectacular whackings . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Public Speaking 101

“I’m picturing all of you naked, right now . . . especially you, Jimmy *winks*”

It’s Memorial Day in Atlantic City.  What better day to publicly humiliate a World War I veteran, right?  Apparently, this is what Nucky thinks, when, after saying a few words about the brave men, who fought for his country, Nucky decides to call Mr. Man of Few Words, Jimmy, to the stage for an impromptu speech, and the reading of the names of some dearly departed soldiers.

Jimmy is clearly neither that confortable, nor that experienced with public speaking.  And this, undoubtedly, is precisely what Nucky was counting on, when he made this tactical political and psychological maneuver.  Nucky’s silent message to his former protege turned nemesis is clear: If you can’t even make a simple speech in public, how can you possibly run an entire city?  At first, Nucky’s plan seems to have paid off.  And we watch for a few uncomfortable moments, as Jimmy shakes, sweats, and blinks silently at the waiting crowd.

“I will not puke on the podium . . . I will not puke on the podium . . . I will not puke on the podium, and if I do, I’ll be sure to puke on Nucky.”

But then something happens to Jimmy, as he stands on that stage.  In those few seconds, he transforms from the runty kid, whose father didn’t care about him, and who’s mother used to inappropriately make out with his winky, into a soldier.

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And though Jimmy’s words, may be just as politically motivated, as those of his predecessor, they ring true, in a way that Nucky’s did not, simply because he IS a veteran.  So, when Jimmy talks about fighting for his family and for America . . . and when he pauses in the reading of the names to remark on a fallen soldier he knew personally, we believe him, and find ourselves eating out of the palm of his hand, just like the rest of the watching crowd.

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Match point.  Jimmy: 1, Nucky: 0

Poor Richard (Poorer Squirrel)

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Meanwhile, Poor Richard is looking through his damn “Families are Awesome.  My Life is Sad” scrapbook again.

He then packs himself an apple for lunch, and heads out in the woods to eat bullets from his gun.

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I probably would have eaten the apple, instead.

I’ll never understand why people choose “blowing brains out,” as their preferred method of suicide.  I understand that it’s more error proof than taking pills, or drowning, or shooting yourself in the heart.  But really, I can’t think of a more awful and grotesque way to send one’s self out of the world.  Can you?

So, already, I’m watching this scene through my fingers, hoping we won’t have to see the actual Brain Explosion.  (They never show it on TV.  But that doesn’t ever stop me from fearing that, one day, they will.  This is HBO, after all.)  Fortunately, for us, and Richard, some adorable, but slightly mangy looking dog, interrupts the suicide attempt to play fetch with the Poor Guy’s face mask.

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If you look closely at the dog, he sort of looks like he’s got a mask on one side of his face, similar to Richard’s.  YAY for parallels (and for adorable mask-eating, suicide preventing dogs)!

Now, realistically speaking, you would think that the guy who was about to explode his FACE with gun powder, would no longer have much use for a face mask.  But Richard decides to put off offing himself, to chase the dog, anyway . . .

Richard eventually loses the dog.  But all that running, and NOT killing himself, has made him tired.  So, he chills out by a tree for a bit.  It is there he is discovered by a creepy, but ultimately well-meaning, hunting dude, and another guy who may be his dad, or just  an elderly friend of his.

Just a bunch of guys . . . chilling out . .  . chewing off the heads of rodents . . . 

These two dudes invite Richard to their little bonfire to drink booze and feast on squirrels.  I’ve never seen a roasted squirrel before.  And it surprises me how much they look like pink versions of the Geico Gecko, when de-furred.

“Please don’t eat me.  I give good rates on car insurance.”

It’s gross . . . and sad.  But not as gross and sad, as a headless Richard.  So . . . yay for that . . . I guess.

Oh, and the dog’s there too . . . with Richard’s mask, which now looks a bit more like a doggy chew toy, than half a face.  If I were him, I would have rinsed it off with the alcohol, before putting it back on.  Because, really, who knows where that dog’s mouth has been?  Anyway, apparently, the dog does not belong to either of the two men.  Rather, he is a SOLDIER *cough symbolism / foreshadowing cough*, and a fighter, who survives, by living every day, as if he is at war.

Richard Harrow’s new mascot. 

One of the guys who found Richard might just be a little psychic, since he somehow seems to know instinctively that Richard came to the forest to kill himself.  He lectures the younger man, about how these woods are FOR LIVING .  . . Yeah, dude . . . tell that to the roasting naked squirrels . . .

Judging YOU . . . 

All sarcasm aside, I’m glad Richard decided not to blow his brains out, and that he has found a new purpose for his life . . . More on that, in a bit.

Meanwhile, back at Vegetable Commodore’s house . . .

Never Mess with Old People Carrying Canes

One of these two men will be minus one scalp by the end of the episode.  Bet you can’t guess which one! 

Jimmy and Eli are meeting with those Old Dudes, led by Uncle Junior from the Sopranos . . .

When did Uncle Junior turn into Santa Claus? 

 . .  who are none too pleased with them, about their 70,000 having recently been eaten up by that fire Owen Sleater set last week, at Mickey’s distillery.  Jimmy tries to reassure the men, that the money will be forthcoming.  But with the Commodore no where in sight, the men are becoming restless, and suspicious about the safety of their investments.  When one particularly ornery old man in a wheelchair publicly suggests that the Commodore is either dead or dying, Jimmy mouths off at him, causing the dude to whack him in the face, with his cane.

It was kind of funny.  I’m not going to lie.  Like most Old Dudes, this one thinks that Young People, like Jimmy, need to learn to respect their elders.  And he is going to beat that respect into every last youngster,  if it is the last thing he does.

Silently seething, Jimmy storms out (probably so his mother can kiss his winkie and make it better).  Eli follows after him, to yell at him for not keeping his cool, and to warn him that, without the Commodore, the two of them are pretty much screwed.  Jimmy doesn’t really think he needs advice from Boardwalk Empire’s version of Fredo, and tells Eli as much.

Later, while Jimmy’s Mommy is cleaning his wound,  she not-so-subtly tells Jimmy he shouldn’t take this being caned, lying down.  “We will not be respected . . . Do what needs to be done,” she scolds him.

Of course, as we learned from last week, when Gillian Darmody tells you to do something, you DO IT.  Because she has a really nasty right hook . . .

Just ask THIS GUY . . . 

Speaking of women (and men) not to be trifled with . . .

“Hey Bro, sorry about the whole Betrayal Thing . . . wanna wrestle?”

Nucky comes home from a strenuous morning of kissing some lawyers’ asses to find, much to his dismay, that Margaret has let his brother into the Garden Room.   Eli’s totally working this Fredo angle, hardcore.  He’s crying and blubbering, and begging Nucky for forgiveness.  His nose is so far up his brother’s butt, that it’s practically popping out of the older man’s mouth.

After making a few cracks about how the lord distributes his gifts unequally (Yes, Nucky, clearly, you got the looks in the family.) . . .

. . .  and hearing Eli admit, both that he knows the names of the men testifying against Nucky, and that the Commodore has had a stroke . . .

. . . it really does seem that Nucky is going to take pity on his brother, and let him back into his inner circle.  And  . . . then he doesn’t.  Nucky boldly asks his brother to get on his KNEES AND KISS HIS FEET.  Eli seems genuinely shocked.  I suspect he really thought this was going to work out.

“But . . . you have really smelly feet!” 

Next thing you know, the two middle-aged men are wrestling on the floor . . . and, suddenly, I’m having flashbacks to that episode of The Sopranos, where Tony and Bobby Baccala started beating the crap out of eachother at the Lake House.

Ahhh, brotherly love . . . 

It’s kind of awesome, and unintentionally hilarious at the same time.  But then the men start grabbing for concealed weapons, and I’m genuinely beginning to get worried about their safety.

But wait .  . . SOMEONE has just put a rifle to Eli’s head, and it’s not Nucky.  It’s . . . wait for it . . . MARGARET!

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My hero!  Holy crap!  This woman has done it again.  She leads a shocked Eli out the door, with a simple and calm expression of a single word.  “Enough.”  And I’m pretty sure Eli just crapped his pants.

Once he’s gone, Nucky has the NERVE to tell the woman who just SAVED his ass, that she should have LOADED the gun, before she shoved it in Eli’s face.  HELLO, by the time she LOADED the gun, you’d probably have brains seaping out of your ears, ASSHAT!  A simple “thank you,” would have sufficed.  Just sayin . . .

Those are some BUSY prostitutes .  . .

Later that day, the Attorney General, Nucky’s lawyer, and that Senator Guy we keep seeing, pop by to explain, once again, how those election fraud charges SHOULD eventually be dropped against Nucky, once the case is removed to federal court, on account of the federal prostitution charges that are ALSO cleverly being lodged against Nucky.  And yet,  we’ve spent so MUCH time on the rather technical legal nuances of this storyline, that I can’t help but wonder whether all of this is going to end up blowing up in Nucky’s face.

Nevertheless, the same whores who initially got him out of State court, are back to bone the Attorney General and his pals in Nucky’s by-now-surely-disease infested “study.”  Part of me thinks, the only reason they keep showing these ladies is so that Boardwalk Empire meets it’s weekly Boobie Quotient . . .

Speaking of Boobies . . .

Dangerous Maid Gets Dangerously Laid

O face . . . 

Margaret awakens in the middle of the night, to the sound of a scream.  She runs into Maid Katie in the hallway, who claims she hasn’t heard a thing.  Later, of course, we learn that the scream came from Katie, who has been boning Owen, down the hall .  . . Way to go, Katie!  Now, Margaret’s not the only lady with a little Irish in her, if you catch my drift . . .

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Meanwhile, at Fredo-Eli’s house . . .

By George, he’s got it!  (And by IT, I mean a wrench in the face)

“May I have this dance?” 

Eli is hanging out with one of his 85,000 kids, when Alderman George comes by, asking some surprisingly on-point questions about the Commodore’s health.  In fact, the Alderman wants to go down to the Commodore’s house, to make sure he’s not a vegetable, or something.  Eli assures George that the Commodore is fine.  But George isn’t buying it, and threatens to go back to Nucky, if Eli isn’t honest with him.

So, Eli freaks out, and crushes George’s windpipe with his monkey wrench.

Well, that’s not good!   Now, George is definitely going to go to Nucky . . . if he’s ever able to speak again.  Eli can’t have that, so he hits him with the monkey wrench in the face . . . again . . . and again . . . and again.

Batter up . . . 

Remember earlier, when I was talking about how I never wanted to see what someone’s head looks like, after it’s been blown off.  Well, now, I know what someone’s head looks like, when it’s been smashed to bits by a monkey wrench.  And, let me tell you, it’s not pretty.  For those of you who have never seen something like this, I’ll attempt to provide you with the necessary visual.  Imagine drop-kicking a watermelon . . .

I’m just glad, Eli sent his kid away, before he did this.  Talk about being traumatized for life.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong.  But wasn’t George supposed to be one of the alderman meant to testify against Nucky for Election Fraud.  Well, that should make things interesting  .  . .

Anywhoo, Eli gets his second in command, to help him carry George’s body to his car.  And then Eli buries the poor schlub on the beach.  Oh Fredo-Eli . . . you are SO getting whacked on a fishing boat, sometime soon . . .

Scalp and a Haircut . . .

Back at the Darmody house, Jimmy shares a sweet moment with his wife . . .

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JIMMY: “Just pretend you are making out with that woman you were cheating on me with, last season.”

ANGELA:  “Cool, and you can pretend you are making out with that woman you were cheating on ME with, last season.”

JIMMY: “Which one?  My mom?”

ANGELA: “THE OTHER ONE!”

 . . .  before having an even sweeter one, with Richard.   (As awful as Jimmy can be sometimes, you’ve got to admit, his bromance with Richard is just adorable.)  When Richard comes home late, Jimmy instinctively seems to know that something SERIOUS has gone down.  “I should have gone with you,” Jimmy tells Richard, when the latter claims to have “gone for a walk.”

Jimmy then asks Richard to go on job with him, because even Veterans, apparently, don’t get the full day off on Memorial Day.  “Would you fight for me?”  Richard asks, looking to his companion, much like a son seeking approval from his dad.

“Right down to the last bullet,” Jimmy assures his friend, rubbing his head, in a rather paternal way, much as we suspect Nucky used to do to HIM, back when he was a child.

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With a renewed sense of purpose, Richard rises, with a look of determination on his face.  “Then, let’s go to work.”

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“Scalp, Richard, scalp . . . GOOD BOY!”

Now, we’re at that Old Dude’s House . . . you know, the one who clocked Jimmy.  He’s looking at some Native American Breach Cloth, and making some not-very-PC comments about Native Americans to his butler, specifically, referring to their penchant for public nudity, and belief in magic.  Once Old Dude is alone, Jimmy and Harrow appear, in front of him.  Jimmy straps the soon-to-be-dead guy down to show him, that he is “not to be disrespected.”  “I’m going to teach you something, now” he says maniacally.

Then Harrow appears from behind.  “And who the hell are you?”  Old Dude asks.

“I’m a soldier just like that adorable dog that tried to eat my face,” says Harrow triumphantly, as he grotesquely scalps the Old Dude, and, in doing so, brings meaning back to his life.

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See, don’t you just love a happy ending?  🙂

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Boardwalk Empire

“I’ll have what he’s having!” – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “A Dangerous Maid”

[I know I posted them out of order, this time.  But you can still find the Gossip Girl Recap for “The Jewel of Denial,” HERE.]

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And in that moment, Larry the Flying Lobster beat out Sebastian from The Little Mermaid for the honor of Best Performance by a Crustacean in a Film or Television Production.

Jealousy and regret.  We’ve all experienced both, at one time or another.  It’s easy to look at someone else’s life, and covet that which isn’t yours.  And it’s just as easy to look back at the past, longing for a time when things were simpler, and less complicated.  This week’s episode of Boardwalk Empire finds all of our characters feeling, in some way or another, uncomfortable in their own skins . . . or, in Commodore’s case, in his own Loberster Thermidor-covered lap . . .

“Why is there a claw in my crotch?” 

Let’s review, shall we?

(Special thanks to rawrcaps.net for the screencaps you see here.)

Nelson Van Alden: A Real Fun Guy

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t resist. 

Our tale begins in a creepy boarding house, where Crazy Pants Van Alden is scraping butter onto his toast, and looking out a dingy, dust-filled window onto the world.  In waddles a SUPER pregnant Lucy to announce, in her bizarro voice, which sounds like a cross between Wall-E and Miss Piggy, that “It is kicking again.”

“I think it’s the baby, but it could just be a really nasty case of crabs . . .” 

A clearly aggravated Nelson is quick to remind Lucy that “it” is actually a baby.  But, honestly, I can understand Lucy’s confusion.  I mean, any living being spawned from Crazy Pants and Madame Sluts-a-Lot has an exceptionally good chance of being born with fangs or a tail.

The future Baby Van Alden 

Last week, we learned that Lucy was hanging around the boarding house, and Nelson was paying her.  However, this week, we got to dig a bit deeper into the happy couple’s “business agreement.”  Apparently, Nelson is paying Lucy a “salary,” to stay in the boarding house, and not leave it, until their little demon baby is born.  Once she’s given birth, Lucy is free to return to her so-called “normal” life.

Of course, this begs the question of what will happen TO THE BABY.  Will Nelson give it up for adoption?  Will he bring it back to HIS wife, and claim that he adopted it for HER?  One thing is for sure, Nelson definitely isn’t going to want Lucipoo to have anything to do with the kid, once it’s wrenched from her alcohol and cigarette-scented uterus . . .

Lucy is understandably feeling a bit stifled by her new living arrangement.  After all, not too long ago she was Nucky’s #1 whore!  She wore fancy dresses, partied seven days a week, and had lots and lots of undoubtedly unappetizing looking sex with THIS GUY .  . .

Now, she’s stuck effectively living under house arrest (not unlike a puppy who hasn’t yet been potty trained and is, therefore, forced to do its business on a stack of old newspapers).

Lucy tells Nelson this, in no uncertain terms, remarking, by way of example, that she can’t even listen to music, because, unlike the neighbors, she and Nelson don’t even have a victrola in the house.  Nelson doesn’t know what a vitrola is . . . probably because it’s not mentioned in the bible . . .

Nonetheless, Crazy Pants Van Alden HATES the idea of being compared negatively with his adversary Nucky.  After all, Mrs. Van Alden lives EXACTLY like this.   And Nelson never hears complaints from her! Lucy is clearly just spoiled with all her crazy notions of, you know, actually LEAVING THE HOUSE, and stuff .  . .

“You better behave, or I’ll baptize you.  (And we all know what happened to the last guy I baptized . . .)” 

“Between ordering murders, and rigging elections, I’m sure [Nucky] showed you a real good time, ” scoffs Nelson sarcastically.

“Say what you will about Nucky, but at least he has a really big weiner was FUN!” Lucy pouts.

Honestly, Lucy’s got a point there.  With a name that looks and sounds so much like “nookie,” how could you be anything BUT FUN?

See?  This guy’s a BLAST! 

Speaking of fun, Lucy’s pal, Eddie Cantor — who is based on a real-life comedian, and Broadway performer, who was probably way too cool to actually hang out with a weirdo like Lucy –is his OWN party!

“Oh, Lucy!  You and I are going to have so much fun (once I used the restroom . . . I have to piss, like a racehorse).” 

He pops by the boarding house with a bottle of booze (As if this baby’s life, wasn’t ALREADY guaranteed to suck, let’s give him an alcohol problem, and possible congenital disease), some hilariously exaggerated facial expressions, and a real snoozer of a play entitled “A Dangerous Maid.”

My new favorite couple on this show . . . 

Lucy complains to her pal about wanting a man who wants her for more than just “makin’ whoopie.”

(The fact that Mr. Cantor didn’t bust into hysterical laughter, upon hearing this, makes him a WAY better person than I am.)

Later, Nelson comes home, and is shocked to find Lucy “rehearsing” for “A Dangerous Maid” in front of the bedroom mirror.  “You wish to perform in this spectacle?” He inquires, which causes Lucy to pout and mug at the camera a bit (a.k.a. her only workable facial expression).

Nelson actually tries reading the play out loud with her for a few minutes, before losing his temper, and tossing it at her.  Clearly, their little baby-making arrangement did not involve momentarily pretending you didn’t look 8.5 months pregnant and could actually star in a play!  How dare Lucy do such a thing!

But Lucy has gotten through to Nelson more than she knows.  While at work, Nelson asks a co-worker?  “Do you think I’m fun?”

The fact that THIS co-worker also did not laugh in Nelson’s face makes HIM a way better person than I am.  (Man, I must truly suck as a human).

Meanwhile, back at the boarding house, Lucy is crying over her naked massively pregnant body in the mirror.  Because, heaven forbid we go through an episode where Lucy doesn’t get naked at least once.  She even goes as far as to try to throw herself down the stairs . .  . either to lose the baby, or commit suicide, not quite sure which.

“Don’t worry, I’m not trying to kill myself.  I’m just teaching myself how to fly.” 

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your particular thoughts about Lucy), Lucipoo’s epic Stair Dive is interrupted by a delivery person, bearing a gift from Nelson, or, more accurately, the fake name Nelson is living in the boarding house under.  It’s . . . wait for it . .  a victrola.  He comes home later to find Lucy listening to the victrola, and happily dancing around the house, as if she is giving the furniture a lap dance.  (Just like Old Times!)

“I’m a GREAT dancer!  I can pat my head, and rub my belly AT THE SAME TIME!” 

Nelson’s face, upon seeing this spectacle is inscrutable.  Is he overtaken with feelings of love, and pride, for this strange woman carrying her child?  Is he aroused by her naked body?  Confused as to why anyone would enjoy music that couldn’t be found in a hymn book?  Relieved that he has successfully prevented his Baby Maker from escaping with the child?  Perhaps, he is a little of all of these things . . .

Then again, maybe he’s just really, really constipated . . .

Speaking of poker faces . . .

Who is Peggy Rowland Margaret Schroeder

 . . . aside from someone who can really hold her liquor . . . 

Margaret continues on her quest to be the dutiful not-wife to Nucky, during his hour of need.  Concerned about their finances, Margaret returns some of the fancy jewelry Nucky bought her, despite the latters repeated (though not very believable) protests that “everything is going to be fine.”

“Hang on to the jewelry, now.  We may need to sell it on the streets, later, when we are poor and destitute . . .along with your body.” 

Of course, Margaret has more to worry about than just Nucky’s continued financial health.  A letter has arrived at her home from a local detective agency.  As it turns out, the agency has tracked down Margaret’s family in Ireland, and they have since emigrated to nearby Brookyln.

Margaret reluctantly reveals this fact to Nucky, when he finds her flipping through their photographs in bed.  He is suprisingly kind and supportive of Margaret’s discovery, and even encourages her to arrange for a family reunion.   “We didn’t leave on the best of terms,” Margaret admits.

“Golly gee, Boss!  This is fun!  Who do we get to prank call, tomorrow?”

Later in the episode, Margaret commandeers her busy little maid, Katie (she of the crappy coats), from last week’s episode, to call the house where Margaret is staying, and ask for Peggy Rowland.  When she does, Katey is informed that “Peggy,” died twelve years ago.  Margaret copes with this discovery, by crying by herself in her bedroom.  The outburst does not go unnoticed by an increasingly suspicious Katey.

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Later Margaret makes the odd choice of trying to “revisit her roots,” by trying to hang out with the maid staff, while they are drinking booze and gossiping down in the kitchen.  Perhaps, she feels this will help her to assauge the guilt about her own family.  She tells the girls to call her Margaret, and pour her a shot.  However, drinking with Margaret, feels to the girls a bit like drinking with their boss . . . or their own mother.  And so, the fun in the room, quickly, and humiliatingly dies.

MARGARET:  “Ladies, I was thinking of playing a rollicking game of strip poker.  What do you say?”

KATIE: “If we say no, do we get fired?” 

Margaret’s attempts at closeness, however, do strike a chord with Katie, who stops her on the staircase, at the end of the episode, to confirm a suspicion she has, “YOU’RE Peggy Rowland, aren’t you?”

“The minute I get upstairs, I am SO unfriending you on Facebook.” 

Well, so much for being friends with the help!  Margaret metaphorically shuts the door on a friendship with the maid, by coldly shooing her away.  However, based upon her sudden change in demeanor, we can tell that what Katie said was absolutely true.  Margaret had, for some reason, changed her name from Peggy Rowland, when she left the states.  And, because of that, her family either THINKS she’s dead, or is behaving as if she is dead, out of resentment.  Either way, it is quite a blow to Margaret, and pretty much makes her the “Don Draper,” of Boardwalk Empire . . .

Oh, how I miss you, Don Draper! 

Al C. and Jimmy Irish: Reunited and it feels so good!

Al Capone is BACK AT THE BOARDWALK!!!!

And he’s got a special message to deliver to Nucky Thompson on behalf of Joe Torrio:  Chicago and New York are no longer in the liquor business together.  This is because Chicago is now in business with Some Annoying Dude from Pittsburgh Who Refer to Himself in the Third Person.  Nucky is extremely insulted that Torrio sent his emissary, as opposed to delivering this information by himself.  And he tells Capone as much.

“You ditched me for someone who refers to themselves in the third person!  People who do that don’t deserve to LIVE!” 

Nonetheless, Nucky IS curious, given his recent struggles, with the business, how,his counterparts are fairing in other cities, “How is Torrio handling the competition?”  Nucky inquires, as Capone prepares to leave.

“We’re killing ’em,” Capone replies with a wry smile.  (Well, that IS one way to get rid of them . .  .)

But politics and platitudes never much interested Capone.  He’s much more interested in his bromantic buddy Jimmy Irish, a.k.a. Jimmy Darmody.  “You’ll have to ask him, himself,” Nucky replies coldly.

So, Capone DOES!  The next time we see the inimitable Capone he is in Jimmy’s living room, charming Jimmy’s wife and son in the way only he can.

“Hey little guy!  Want me to tell you a story?  It’s all about this guy I whacked, back in Chicago . . .”

When Jimmy returns home, the two share a drink and catch up on where their respective storylines have taken them, since they last saw one another.  Both men are moving up the ranks, in their respective crime families, Jimmy due to his father’s greed, and his cunning, and Al, due to his strength, and seamless ability to whack the competition, without experiencing an ounce of guilt.  Case in point, when Jimmy tries to explain to Al the political coup he, the Commodore are planning, to oust Nucky, Capone is mystified.  The whole thing just seems like so much unnecessary work!  “Why don’t you just have Frankenstein here, put a bullet in his head?”  Capone asks, motioning to Harrow, who has been silently listening to this conversation the entire time.

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Meh . . . I don’t really see a resemblance.

“I won’t do that,” replies Harrow sternly.  (Wow .  . . it looks like our Family Coveting SUPER Hitman has gone and developed some scruples.  This can’t be good!)

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(All together now . . . AWWWWW!)

When Jimmy rushes to the living room floor to cuddle his son, and help him tie his shoes, both Capone and Harrow watch him with matching looks of envy, Harrow, because he has no wife and kids, and Capone, because his son is deaf, and therefore, can’t converse with him, like Jimmy’s can.  Harrow breaks the awkward ice by asking after that “lovely prostitute,” Odette, that took his virginity last season.  “She’s a WHORE,” Capone replies.  (I guess he’s not real big on “small talk.”)

“That’s the last straw.  I’m totally taking Al Capone out of my Family Scrapbook!  No one calls my prostitute girlfriend, a prostitute, and gets away with it!” 

Later, we see Jimmy getting a manicure from Mama “Kiss His Little Winky” Darmody.  Jimmy muses to her about Al Capone’s late father, who was a barber, and wonders whether he might have been meant for a simpler life.  Mama clearly sees her son as someone who’s Little Winky is destined to explore hot women for great things.  And she’s more than happy to be the woman behind that Winky . . . well, aside from HIS WIFE, of course.

“I do hope you’re treating your little winky, better than you are treating these nail beds.  Mind if I check?” 

It’s evident in this scene that Jimmy is already beginning to question his allegiance to the Commodore, who his mother used to call “The Lech.”  When questioned about this, Mama notes that forgiveness is a virtue.  And this undoubtedly causes Jimmy to wonder why he should be forgiving COMMODORE and not Nucky, who effectively raised him, while Commodore was out exploring his “other interests.”

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It kind of makes me wonder whether Jimmy will ultimately decide to return to Nucky, even if it means giving up the opportunity to ascend to power.  And if he does make this decision, will he be able to do so, before it is too late . . .

Speaking of paying one’s dues to one’s elders .  . .

Making the Cheshire Cat Frown

Oh no!  Why so serious, Meyer? 

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Ahhh . . . that’s better.

Lucky and Meyer are sitting down to a very uncomfortable dinner with Arnold Rothstein and Mr. Mazzeria, the Lower East Side Crime boss, who’s henchmen’s throat’s Jimmy slit last week.  Mr. Mazzeria is clearly pissed about this, especially considering that it happened on, what he considered to be his turf.  Apparently, Mazzeria is well aware of the card game Lucky and Meyer run, fairly close to where his men were killed.  Rothstein, ever the businessman, offers to make amends, by having Lucky and Meyer pay a lump sum to Mazzeria for the two victims families, as well as 10% of their card game wins, going forward.

Lucky is furious and moves to protest, but is quickly silenced by Rothstein, and the more cool-headed Meyer.  As he is leaving, Mazzeria notes in Italian to Lucky that he should be working with a fellow  Italian, like HIM, as opposed to two Jewish men.  Lucky seethes at this, but does not respond.  With Mazzeria out of the picture, Lucky turns to Rothstein out of sheer frustration.  “We already give 50% of our earnings from that game to you!”  He complains.

“And now you know why,” Rothstein says coolly.

Do you smell a rebellion?  Because I think I smell a rebellion . . .

Since we’re on the subject of rebellion . . .

A Face Not Even a Father Could Love . . .

“If I just move that pillow ever-so-slightly over his face, and press down really hard, no one will ever know . . .” 

Oh, Eli!  Poor sniveling Eli!  All he wants to do is FINALLY wear the Big Boy Pants, and step outside of his older brother’s shadow.  But while Eli is taking car of his senile, emaciated father, who is staying in his house, the only name on that man’s lips is Nucky.  “How can they do that to him?  You have to help your brother,” says Papa Thompson, looking frantically into Eli’s eyes at the newspaper detailing the election fraud charges recently lodged against Nucky by Eli, himself, among others.

Is it just me, or does Nucky look kind of hot in this picture?  It’s just me?  Yeah . . . I thought so . . . 

But then Papa, in his senility begins to believe he’s talking to Nucky.  “You have to help ELI, he’s not like you.  He’s weak and has no sense,” Eli’s father says . . . or something to that effect.

“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up . . . oops . . . wrong line.” 

OUCH!  When you’re 80-something year old dad thinks your a loser, you’ve REALLY got problems.  It looks like Eli won’t be stepping into those Big Boy Pants anytime soon . . .

Speaking of surrogate sons .   . .

Jimmy Darmody 2.0

“I’m pretty sure I just fell in love with you . . .” 

So, remember that cute Irish guy from last week named Owen Sleater?  Well, it turns out he’s a lot more ambitious than his baby face would suggest.  Having landed a job at nearby casino, thanks to Nucky. Owen overhears the alderman nagging his boss for being short on Nucky’s “take” of the profits.  The boss gripes that, since he’s not getting any liquor, and drunks gamble more, and LOSE more, he’s suffering from a serious case of the Myfundsarelow Disease.  Sleater puts two and two together, and realizes that Nucky hasn’t been able to deliver his liquor to his patrons, because SOMEONE has been intercepting it at the shore, in order to sell their own.  *cough Commodore cough*

“Wow, Nucky, your desk is a mess.  I don’t think that woman, Katie, you hired as a maid, does a good job cleaning up around here.  Would you like me to spank her?  Because I would very much like to spank her . . . among other things.” 

Sleater sees this as an opportunity and quickly goes to see Nucky about it.  Sleater tells Nucky that he’s good at “making people stop doing things that other people don’t want them to do.”  It’s a bold move for someone who’s still clearly at the bottom of the food chain to make.  And Nucky seems equal parts intrigued, amused, and skeptical of the offer, which he neither accepts or rejects outright.

“Hmm . . . well, you’re definitely young and hot, like Jimmy is, but I’m not quite sure you really have what it takes.  Let me see your Little Winky, so I can know for sure.” 

However, later, back at the casino, Owen gets the opportunity to exhibit his skill, when he stops the Commodore’s liquor delivery to the casino, and ends up in an at gunpoint standoff with none other than Richard Harrow.  The two regard eachother as equals, with a matching twinkle in their eyes, and neither of them pulls the trigger.  “Why didn’t you shoot me?” Owen asks, a valid question, but also a REALLY stupid one, if you think about it.

“Would this be a bad time for me to ask you whether you have a Twitter account?” 

“I may yet,” says Richard, with a half grin, before exiting stage left, with his unloaded liquor.

Needless to say Owen’s boss isn’t going to be too happy with him, when he learns that his casino will be forced to, once again, stay dry, as a result of his new employees scare tactic.  But Owen is betting on the fact that Nucky will be take notice of what he did, and be pleased.  After all, he does seem to be in the market for a Jimmy 2.0 . . .

As for Jimmy 1.0 . . .

My Two Dads

JIMMY:  “Mmm . . . you smell nice, have you purchased a new cologne, since I betrayed you?”

NUCKY: “Why, yes, it’s called Eau De I’m Going to Kick Your Ass.” 

After spending some time in the pokey, and some more time in self-imposed exhile, Nucky seems super excited to have a night on the town with Margaret, his sole remaining political ally, Mayor Bader, and the Mayor’s wife.  The two couples head to their favorite nighttime spot, Babette’s only to find that their usual table is being occupied by, you guessed it, the Commodore, Jimmy D, and some Senator the pair are trying to butter up.  Nucky seethes, but says nothing, that is . . . until it comes time for the foursome to order their meals.

Margaret makes the HUGE mistake of ordering lobster thermidor.  This prompts the waiter to inform her that the last lobster was just sold.  Cut to Nucky’s eyes honing in on the Commodore, who is currently shoving a HUGE LUMP OF LOBSTER in his fat mustachioed mouth.

“Mmmmmm . . .  LOBSTER  . . . DELICIOUSSSSS!” 

“Hey!  You spit that out!  That lobster belongs to my lady!”

I think this is the first time in a LONG TIME, where we really see Nucky lose it.  He stomps over to the Commodore’s table, and hilariously flips that lobster plate, sending it flying across the table.  Quite frankly, it’s AWESOME!

“Weeeeeeeeeeeee!  I’m flyinggggggggg!” 

But Nucky’s not finished.  “I will ruin you,” he says determinedly.  “ALL OF YOU,” he concludes with a glare at Jimmy.

A bit embarrassed, and not sure how to respond, Jimmy stays silent . . . for now.  So, Nucky focuses his ire on Commodore, who chastizes him for acting like a child.  “You’re an expert on children,” he replies brilliantly.

(Ooh, that was a good one.)

But things get REALLY intense, when Nucky tells Jimmy that the Commodore didn’t even ask for his mother’s NAME, before he slept with her.  Instead, he just pointed to her, and said, “That one.”

Jimmy rises to his feet, and the two erstwhile comrades in crime, are now eyeing eachother with hatred and accusation.  It is the Commodore, who eventually prevents Jimmy from getting physical with Nucky.

“I want my daddy . . .*sniffle*” 

Later that night, when Jimmy is alone in his kitchen, we see the emotional and physical toll this evening has taken on him.  He is half asleep with drunkenness, and his head is heavy with sadness and regret.  Jimmy’s wife enters the room, and, seeing the state her husband is in, offers him a comforting hand on his shoulder, which he accepts gratefully.  “How was dinner with your father?”  She inquires.

“Which one?”  He replies glumly .  . .

You know, a lot of commenters have griped about Michael Pitt’s performance as Jimmy.  They’ve claimed it to be wooden, and uninteresting.  Now, maybe it’s just because I’m insanely attracted to the actor, but I have to respectfully disagree.  I love the understated way Pitt addresses this role.  The character of Jimmy Darmody is at a crossroads.  He can become a hardened criminal, a slimy politician, or a true hero . . . right now, any of these titles is ripe for the taking.  And, quite frankly, he’s not sure which one he wants.

To me, that’s what makes Jimmy SO interesting.  He always seems to be calculating his next move, and you just never know which version of him, you are going to get, at any particular moment.  It’s exciting . . . and sexy.

“Whatever, Recapper . . . you’re just saying that because you want to jump his bones.”

(Yeah . . . probably) 

OK . . . I’m off my soapbox now, and done with my recap.  So, what did you think of “The Dangerous Maid?”  Has it turned you off to lobster thermidor for good, or are you hungry for more?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“I’ve come to bury Nucky, not to praise him.” – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Ourselves Alone”

“All by my selllllllf.  Don’t wanna be, all by my selllllllf, anymorrrrre!” 

Poor Nucky!  I never thought I would ever begin a recap with those two words.   After all, wasn’t the entire theme of season one how blessed Nucky was in every way except in the looks department, of course, and how much power he wielded in his pants Atlantic City?

My, have the tables turned quickly . . . well, actually not so quickly, considering Season 1 aired a year ago!  Now, everyone’s out to screw Nucky over.  And District Attorney’s are touching his personal items in ways that Eddie finds personally offensive!

“I’m so upset over what is going on here that I am going to eat this phone.”

You know who else started out as a guy, who had it all, and ended up with crap?  THIS GUY . . .

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. . . well, him too.  But I was thinking more along the lines of THIS GUY . . .

The obvious comparisons between Nucky’s current situation and Julius Caesar’s are so striking, that I can’t imagine they weren’t intended by the writers of this show.  I mean, think about it, we’ve got the young up-and-comer, who used to be part of Nucky’s ranks, being groomed to usurp his throne.

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We’ve got the not-so-whispered words of mutiny amongst the senators alderman.  And, perhaps, most importantly, we have Nucky experiencing the ultimate betrayal at the hands of the person he trusted most . . . his own brother . . . his Brutus.

(Take that High School English Teacher that only gave me a B+ on my Julius Caesar paper!  You know who you are.)

And yet, while it would seem as though this episode revolved around the Downfall of Nucky Thompson, arguably, the real stars of “Ourselves Alone” were his supporting cast . . . the surprisingly sly, and cunning courage of Margaret Schroeder . . . the quiet, yet extremely dangerous, ferocity of Chalky White . . . the stone cold ambition of Jimmy Darmody . . . the bat-sh*t craziness of Nelson Van Alden . . .

Well, actually, he wasn’t in this episode.  But I think you catch my drift . . .

So, settle down with a good book, pop open a new can of shoe polish, or take a dip in the Temperance Fountain, because it’s time for another Boardwalk recap . . .

(By the way, special thanks to ladymanson.com, for the kickass screencaps you see here!)

“Nucky’s in the Slammer.  Who wants pancakes?”

“Do you think they are whispering about me, because I’m not wearing any underwear?”

The episode begins with Margaret tiptoeing down the mansion steps in her nightie, to the sight of her apprehensive all-female staff, regarding her, as one would regard a terminally ill cancer patient.

“I can’t believe NONE of us were cast in the movie The Help.  It’s NOT FAIR!” 

Too bad Margaret doesn’t live in Modern Times.  Otherwise @randomnewsreporter could have totally tweeted her the news that her not-so-hubby was very much arrested the night before.

Doh!

Instead, the new Woman of the Thompson Household is forced to learn of her lover’s arrest in the local paper.

Margaret, who has obviously adapted rather quickly to the unspoken responsibilities of being an expensive sex toy the wife of a powerful public figure, is remarkably stoic, in the face of this obviously surprising and disturbing news.  Rather than bursting into hysterics, or rushing out the door to the nearest jail like a mad woman, as the old Margaret might have done, Nu-Margaret merely takes a deep breath, and returns to her regularly scheduled  tasks, i.e. bossing around of the staff.

It is not until a bit, later, when we see Margaret on the phone with Nucky’s driver, Eddie, that cracks in her marble facade begin to show.

“So, what exactly ARE conjugal visits?  I don’t think we had those back in Ireland.” 

“I’d be more than happy to SHOW you.”

Poor Margie can barely keep herself from crying, when Eddie tells her that he can’t pick her up and drive her to the jail.  (As it turns out, the District Attorney and his cronies have been inappropriately fondling the items in Nucky’s office.  And Eddie is afraid to leave them alone.)

When the house maid is found lurking near the doorway, Margaret asks her what kind of coat she owns?

Huh?

Well, THAT’S a strange thing to ask.  Is Margie hoping the maid will drive her to the jail to see Nucky?  Is she worried about her favorite housekeeper catching pneumonia during those cold A.C. winters?  Is she secretly writing an expose on the dressing habits of maids for the local paper?  Or is something more sinister afoot?  (Well, obviously, you already know the answer.  But let’s pretend everythings all scary and intriguing, for a little while longer, OK?)

Meanwhile, down at the Pokey . . .

“Gee, sorry I had you arrested, and am now sharing a jail cell with you . . . AWKWARD!”

“I never really believed all those silly rumors about ‘dropping the soap,’ did you?” 

How convenient odd is it that a large, purportedly crime-infested, place like Atlantic City, only seems to have two cells in its town jail?  Now, if that’s not a good reason NOT to screw over your friends, I don’t know what is.

Just last week, Nucky had his liquor and political compadre Chalky White arrested “for his own safety,” after a “nice, friendly” meeting with some SHEET HEADS KKK members went horribly awry.

SHEET!

Now, Nucky finds himself trapped ALONE in a jail cell with Nucky.

(Apparently, Chalky’s political clout has gained him enough social standing to earn a spot in the “more elite” jail cell, apart from the rest of the assorted riff-raff.  Umm . . . yay?)

Silly, Nucky!  He was apparently having sex sleeping during his Jail Cell Etiquette Class.  Rule #1 of Surviving Prison:  Don’t accuse your cell mate, who YOU are responsible of throwing in jail, of betraying YOU.  And yet, that’s exactly what Nucky does, by asking Chalky a few VERY pointed questions about whether his “people” had anything to do with the “anonymous witnesses” whose testimony got Nucky thrown in jail for election fraud.

“Vote on THIS, b*tch!” 

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.  Were it not for Chalky, there is a good chance that Nucky’s cronie, Anthony Bader, would have NEVER been elected Mayor.    Not to mention the fact that Nucky is DEFINITELY no longer in the position to be choosy about who he gets to call his “friend.”

Things get even MORE awkward between Nucky and Chalky (I’m sorry, but are those not the WEIRDEST NAMES EVER? My fingers get twisted on my keyboard everytime I have to type them both together), when Nucky’s lawyer comes to post his bail, while Chalky is made to rot in the slammer.  Oops!

“See ya, Sucka . . . er . . . I mean . . . sorry, Big Guy!” 

So, Nucky exits the jail a Free Man (for now), and successfully engages in a battle of wits with the local journalists, looking to prove he’s a criminal to the “Good People of AC.”

(He calls them all alcoholics.  BURN!  What a NOVEL insult about journalists!  You have to wake up pretty early in the morning or whatever time Jimmy, the Commodore, and Eli wake up to pull one over on Nucky Thompson.  What a FIRE CRACKER!)

Meanwhile, Chalky is forced to deal with insults of a much more personal nature . . .

David Copperfield (err  . . . I mean “Tom Sawyer”) must be a REALLY GOOD BOOK!

“I have flipped through a 100 pages of this book, and I haven’t seen a single BOOB.  And they call this a classic!” 

It starts off innocent, enough. Chalky’s wife has come to visit him in jail.  They have a fairly banal conversation, during which Chalky’s wife tells Chalky that his son wanted to come visit him, but she thought it would be best if he stayed home.  Remember Chalky’s son?  The adorable prepster piano player from last week?  Yeah, not exactly someone you picture in a jail cell.

“I may look sweet and innocent, but  .  . . yeah, I’m sweet and innocent.” 

Mini-Chalky sent a gift to his dad, in his absence, however.  It’s a book, David Copperfield, to be exact.  (Was I the only one hoping there would be some sort of file, key, or weapon hidden in that book, that would help Chalky to plan his escape?  Well, there wasn’t . . . It was just a book.  Crime Boss’ son FAIL!)

Hidden mechanism for escape or not, Chalky seems touched by his son’s gift.  “That’s a good one,” he says, with a proud smile, as he takes the book from his wife’s hands.  As Mrs. Chalky leaves one of the Chalky’s “cell-mates” from across the way makes some comments that a man should NEVER make about another man’s wife.

“What’s that you say?  That I’m going to be dead in five minutes?  You’re LYIN’!” 

Chalky accepts the passive aggressive taunting of his cell mate, which is thinly disguised as good natured banter, with a surprising amount of dignity and grace, though its obvious he REALLY wants to put a cap in this guy’s ass.  The guy’s name is Dunn Purnsley, which is a really stupid name, if you ask me.    (No offense to all you Dunn Purnsley’s out there.)  And the fact that Chalky currently has a “fancy” cell to himself REALLY seems to dust Dunn’s doileys, as does the fact that Chalky dresses expensively, and has an attractive, comparatively light-skinned, wife.

You’ve got to admit, they do make a cute couple.

When another white prisoner is brought into the jail, Chalky is switched into the cell with Dunn, and the rest of the prisoners (all African American).  According to the guard, this is to prevent the mixing of races, which is strange considering that Nucky and Chalky shared a cell just hours earlier.  Weird .  . .

You would think that Chalky’s relocation into Dunn’s cell would placate the latter’s ire.  Unfortunately, it only seems to rile him up more.  Now Dunn is making increasingly inciteful and offensive comments about the color of Chalky’s skin, and referring to him in derrogatory terms, that, I suspect were generally reserved for the pre-Civil War era.

(OK, now I’m REALLY hoping Chalky kicks this Dunn guy’s butt!  He’s TOTALLY asking for it now.  If he doesn’t do it.  I may just jump into the television screen and do it for him.)

What follows are what are, in my opinion two of the most intriguing scenes in the entire episode.  The first arises when Dunn asks Chalky – who has been silently “reading” David Copperfield this whole time, what he is reading.  When Chalky first announced the book as Tom Sawyer, I thought he might just be messing with the guy.  After all, Mark Twain was an author who was pretty well known for having some fairly strong opinions about race relations, as evidenced in his follow-up book to Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn.

“Once upon a time, there was a man named Dunn, who’s life was almost finished.  Get it . . . done . . . finished?  Oh well, I guess you had to be there.” 

But then, when Dunn asks Chalky to describe what he is reading, he does so by making up a story about a picture that happens to appear in the center of the David Copperfield book.  Fans will undoubtedly recall that this is the method most of us used as children to PRETEND we knew how to read, before we had learned to do so.  The fact that Chalky probably does not know how to read, and has obviously hidden this fact from his wife, and Harvard-bound son, is both shocking and a little bit sad.

But now is not the time for sad stories.   Now is the time for ASS KICKING!  That’s right, boys and girls, Dunn is stupid enough to put up his fists and threaten Chalky.  He even has the audacity to RIP David Copperfield out of his hand, tearing out the picture Chalky used to describe what was happening in the book.

SERIOUSLY!  THE NERVE OF THIS GUY!

This next part is pretty cool.  Chalky doesn’t lift a FINGER!  Instead, he quietly addresses each of the men with whom he is sharing a cell.   He knows them all by name, and ALL of them, owe him SOME sort of debt.  It becomes apparent in this scene, that Chalky is the Nucky of the African American community in Atlantic City.  The only difference is that, unlike his political counterpart, Chalky’s power is still in full force.

Dunn rises to throw the first punch.  BAD MOVE!  Now, all of Chalky’s cell mates have been given their unspoken instructions.  They BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM . . . LITERALLY, as in . . . HE DIES!  Then, one of them casually gives Chalky back his book.

“And they all lived happily ever after . . . well . . . almost everyone.” 

So, Chalky decides its a great time for a bedtime story.   (Why not?)  He asks the group, which of them know their letters, reaffirming the fact that he, himself, cannot read.  One of the cell mates obliges, and begins to read the remaining living cell mates David Copperfield proper, as the victorious, but not, necessarily triumphant Chalky, stares blankly at the torn out page of the book.  The fact that its incredibly depressing words are meaningless to him do not mean that they don’t hold meaning for him .  . .

When Season 2 Margaret Meets Season 1 Margaret . . . (How META!)

“So that’s me from the future .  . . I was kind of hoping my boobs would get bigger.”

So, earlier in this recap, I teased at Margaret’s inquiry to her maid about what kind of coat she wore.  In this scene, we get to see what exactly she did with that lovely coat.  In a scene that ironically mimics that of the poor, beaten, and pregnant, Margaret Schroeder’s first fateful visit to Nucky Thompson, Margaret arrives at Nucky’s office to see it being swarmed by lawyers and investigators.

Having had a lot of experience playing this particular part, Margaret is flawless (if a bit exaggerated)  in the role of her old pre-f*&king Nucky self.  She feigns ignorance to Nucky’s arrest, claims to have wanted to see him in order to get some cash, and asks to be shown to the nearest rest room.  Feeling pity on this helpless biddy, the District Attorney personally directs her to the toilet, and then, most likely forgets her existence.  This, of course, gives her free reign around the rest of Nucky’s office.

We’ll find out what she does with that “free reign” at the end of the episode . . .

Elsewhere, specifically,  at La Casa de Commodore . . .

The Oldest Man Ever to Suffer from a Mid-life Crisis . . .

“This is my very subtle way of telling you I have a large weiner.” 

For the Triumverate of Evil — Commodore, Eli, and Jimmy’s winky (Don’t worry, Jimmy, I still love you, even though you’ve turned to the dark side.  You are just too hot to hate.), getting all of Nucky’s cronies, specifically, the aldermans of each of the five wards over which Nucky is city treasurer, was surprisingly easy.  All they had to do, was convince these greedy poopyheads that Nucky’s ship had sailed.  And if they wanted to continue fattening their pockets, and living in the manner to which they had grown accustomed, they had to support the “New Guard.”

Having already got these doofuses under their thumb, except one (more on him later), Commodore invites them all to his Dead Animal Zoo study to talk “business.”  Concerned that the aldermans will discount him due to his age, Commodore decides to dress up as a fat Charlie Chaplin, and amaze them with his remarkable ability to lift elephant tusks in the air.  (Because you KNOW that’s going to come in handy on the road to World Domination!)

“When you come face-to-face with destiny, do you want to be the bear, or do you want to be the one holding the shotgun?”  Commodore asks his ambivalent admiring associates.

Actually, I’d prefer to be Dick Cheney.  But that’s neither here nor there, is it?

Meanwhile, Nucky is also trying to rally the troops for his cause . . .

When the guy who’s house you burned down is your only ally, you know you have problems . . .

Exhiled from his swanky Ritz Carlton office, Nucky is forced to (gasp) actually work in the dingy work space provided for him by the government.  It comes complete with a secretary, who has probably spent the past, lord knows how many years, sitting on her fanny from 9 to 5, reading magazines and painting her nails.  (Now THAT’s a living.)

“You REALLY want me to work today?  But my radio soap opera is on in five minutes?”

Nucky has his not-so-new assistant call all of the aldermans, the mayor, and his brother for an impromptu meeting.

Only two of them actually show, both RIDICULOUSLY LATE.  The first is the Mayor, because . . . well, duh . . . Nucky’s election fraud GOT him his job.  And if Nucky goes down, so does HE.

“Honestly, I was just looking for a little more screen time . . .” 

The second “loyalist” is alderman Damian Fleming.

Remember him?  Nucky offered him his father’s home.  And then he BURNED IT DOWN!

This takes the term “working fireplace” to a whole new level .  . . 

But he gave him another one.  So . . . let bygones be bygones.  I guess . . .  Except, Damian isn’t really coming to Nucky to tell him he’s on his side.  He’s coming to tell him that he’s SORRY that he can’t be, and to warn him that everyone is against him now . . . everyone, including . . . nu-Fredo his brother . . .

It’s pretty darn heartbreaking to see Nucky, with tears in his eyes, alone in a rundown office, taking a call from his brother, who, at this point, he KNOWS has betrayed him.  And yet Nucky is STILL offering him a chance to return to the fold.  It’s all very “Et tu Brute?”

“That’s really too bad, Eli.  Because I was planning to celebrate your coming back to my team, by getting you a hooker?”

“If you want to get out of this, I can help you?”  Nucky offers.  “I’m prepared to hear your side.   Because in a minute it’s going to be too late.”

But Eli isn’t interested in second chances.  He’s interested in Power . . . and wearing Big Boy Pants . . . and sitting at the grown-ups table.  And so he gives Nucky a speech that I’m sure he practiced in front of his mirror for three hours, even though he always knew he was going to deliver it over the phone.  “How does it feel .  . . sitting by yourself?”  He asks cruelly, before continuing his Pee on Nucky Parade.  “Nobody takes power. Someone has to give it to them . . . What have YOU got?”

“What a poopy head!” 

Then he hangs up on Nucky, and I find myself in the rare situation of wanting to reach through the television screen and give Steve Buscemi a hug.  What are you DOING to me, Boardwalk Empire?

While Nucky is busy learning the One truly IS the Loneliest Number, Jimmy is across town, trying to get SOMEONE to give HIM some power . . .

Oh, Arnie, how we missed you! (And your milk!)

“Milk . . . it does a gangster GOOD!” 

Jimmy pays a visit to Arnold Rothstein (and his “pet” Lucky ;)).  He wishes to present him with a proposition . . . one that involves screwing over Nucky (SURPRISE!), and entering into the liquor business together.  Arnold seems a mixture of amused, impressed, and curious.  Arnold is no dummy.  He knows Jimmy used to be Nucky’s fair-haired boy.  He also knows that Nucky was recently arrested.

As he listens to the young up-and-comer kiss his butt and beg for his business, you can see he wheels turning in his head, regarding the possibilities this might present, and the inevitable risks.  Is this kid for real?  Arnold isn’t quite sure.  And so he politely bids Jimmy adieu, without offering an answer one way or the other.

“Well, if you are not going to go into business with me, could you at least take a drink.  I’ve always wanted to see the biggest crime boss on the East Coast with a Milk Mustache . . .” .

So, remember when Lucky f*&ked Jimmy’s winky kissing mom?

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Well, bygones, because now he wants to do business with him.  “You know that thing you asked for?  I would have said yes to that,” Lucky offers cheerily.

“Yes, but I asked Arnold.  Not the guy who carries his water.”  (Ummm . . . it was MILK, Jimmy!  MILK!  Get it right!)

Ohhh, yeah and . . .

Apparently, Arnold’s other pet, Meyer, he of the baby face and Cheshire Cat smile, instructed Lucky to invite Jimmy to their weekly poker night so the three could “talk.”

Oooh, I smell a Next Generation Rebellion!  Yay Twenty-somethings!

Meyer Lansky says, “Say YES to heroin.  (And NO to Temperance Fountain.)”

“So, before I got this part, I was cast in my college production of Batman . . .  I was the Joker.  I hope that explains the smile.” 

At their meeting Meyer tells Jimmy he has BIG PLANS for the two of them and Lucky.  “We’ve learned a great deal [from Nucky and Arnold],” he begins.  “But no one wants to be in school forever.”

Except all these people . . . 

Then, Lucky and Jimmy start exchanging Yo Mama jokes (well, actually, it’s just Jimmy’s mama), and beating the crap out of eachother.  So, Meyer has to stop them, so that he can tell them his BIG PLAN.

“Calm down.  You’re both pretty.” 

It involves Meyer and Lucky buying liquor from Jimmy, if Jimmy and HIS people buy HEROIN from them.

Ummm . . . HOORAY for HEROIN . . . I guess .  . .

(Something tells me school teachers Arnie and Nucky would most certainly NOT approve.)

At the poker game, Jimmy wipes the floor with some of Meyer’s friends, while Meyer has an uncomfortable meeting with two goons who apparently represent the “Lower East Side.”  Later that night, Jimmy is walking home from the poker game, when those same two goons try to steal his lunch money poker winnings.

“I know you really want to ask me out on a date, but this is a bit too agressive, don’t you think?  There is something to be said for playing a little hard to get.” 

So, Jimmy . . .. ummm KILLS THEM, and leaves them lying in the ironically named Temperance Fountain with their mouths gaping grotesquely, and their necks spurting out blood.

I’m not going to lie.  It’s kind of awesome.

Speaking of awesome  . . .

Hi, New Cute Irish Guy!  (Yeah, that’s basically all I got from this plotline.)

“SOMEONE has to make sure Steve Buscemi doesn’t get all the chicks.” 

While Margaret waits for Nucky to come home, she’s got her OWN problems to cope with.  Nucky is apparently having a very stuffy Irish gentleman to visit.  He wants guns . . . or something.  He also doesn’t eat anything that walks on clove or hoof, and HATES AMERICANS.  Sounds like a real Life of the Party Type, right?

PARTY ANIMAL! 

He does have one thing going for him though, his help is HOT.  His name is Owen Sleater.  He has a cute Irish accent, can helps straighten rugs, and puts his foot in his mouth, like it’s his JOB.  He arrives to try and get into Margie’s pantsmake sure the Thompson house is SAFE for his boss.  Within minutes, he proceeds to mistake Margaret for he MAID, and the MAID for Margaret’s DAUGHTER, despite the fact that the two look to be only about five years apart at most.

“I’m deeply offended, and furious with you.  Yet, I have this strange urge to bone you, right here on this floor.”

Yet, there’s something charming about him.   He has a bit of sexual chemistry going on with Margaret (and the maid).   And, most importantly, he’s STICKING AROUND!

Woohoo!  Look out Jimmy Darmody and Al Capone.  It seems you have some competition for my heart  . . .

Speaking of hearts . . .

Margaret Schroeder = A Modern Day (Likeable) Lady Macbeth (Who knew?)

“Just don’t start talking about ‘damn spots,’ or I am SOOOO out of here.” 

We’ve been waiting for it all week, and it finally happens at the end of the episode.  Margaret confronts Nucky about his arrest, and everything that has been going on with him, these past two episodes.  Calmly and firmly, she gets her lover to admit everything to her, including, most painfully, his brother’s betrayal.  “I keep people satisfied.  It’s what I do,” says Nucky dejectedly, unable to comprehend how far he has fallen.

“They will never satisfied.  You know that already,” she replies, not entirely unkindly.  (Now, we know who the REAL brains of this operation is!)

Then Nucky tells Margaret, what he has TRULY been avoiding telling her all along.  The District Attorney has evidence against him, hard evidence.  It appears the officers searching his office have taken his ridiculously crime ridden business ledger, as well as $20,000 in cash.  Or HAVE they?

Like a BOSS, Margaret, skips to the other side of the room, and pulls BOTH incriminating items out of a nearby drawer.  Ahhhh!  So, that’s what she was doing at the Ritz in the Poor Girl Costume!  It all makes sense now!

Margaret decisively tosses the ledger in the fire, making Nucky promise to commit his shady dealings to memory from NOW ON!  You tell  him sister!

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been as impressed with a female television character as I am with Margaret Schroeder right now.  Margaret, I take back every mean and snarky thing I ever said about you in season 1 and at the beginning of this rccap.

In the final moments of the episode, Margaret kisses and emotionally and physically exhausted Nucky on the forehead, and tells him to come to bed, where there will certainly be some EPIC lovemaking . . . I’d prefer not to picture it, though . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Say Hello to My Little Winky! – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s Season 2 Premiere “21”

(NOTE:  For those of you who might be poking around for a certain Gossip Girl recap, I PROMISE it’s coming.  I’m just a day behind in my recapping schedule.  😦  Check back here around this time tomorrow, 9/28, and you’ll most definitely find it . . . Thanks for being patient!  )

“The new season of Boardwalk Empire starts this week.  Gotta look HOT!  You just know all the ladies love Buscemi!” 

Greetings fellow Boardwalkers!  Welcome back!  Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve talked to you!  I can’t believe it’s been an ENTIRE year since I last used THIS animated GIF . . .

For the record, I plan to use it AT LEAST two more times in this recap  . . . 

 Did you watch the Season Premiere?  If you didn’t, you missed a good show!  Let’s see .  . . people got blown to pieces, and had their necks slashed . . . there was some very awkward sex in a hotel room . . . we got to hear an interesting discussion about Jimmy Darmody’s winky .  . . that tubby old guy with the glasses did hilarious-looking exercises in his living room.  (By the way, if anybody has a picture of this, please send it my way, and I will be forever indebted to you!)

All in all, it was a fitting end to an interminable hiatus.  And I’m very eager to discuss it with you.

Maybe a little too eager . . . 

So, pop that cork, and load that gun, because we are about to have some fun . . .

The rhyming .  . . it was too much, right? 

“When you get what you want, you don’t want what you get.”

“I’m not wearing any underwear!  WOOHOO!”

Boardwalk Empire is nothing if not cinematic.  And why wouldn’t it be?  It’s produced by FRIGGIN MARTIN SCORCESE!  They don’t get much more cinematic than that . . .

“Are you talkin’ to me?”

The opening sequence of the episode, along with the song that accompanies it, pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the hour.  Four months have passed since we last spent time with our Boardwalk Empire crew.  And though many of them seem to have achieved what they “wanted” last season, few of them appear to be genuinely happy with the results.

New address . . . nicer clothes . . . better hair . . . same perma-b*tchface.

The year is 1921.  Prohibition is technically still in effect.  Except, it’s about as well-enforced as the “No Underage Drinking,” regulations at a present-day frat party, or the “No Pot” laws at a Dave Matthews Band concert.  A new shipment of booze has just come to shore.  And a bored-looking, recently-married, Jimmy Darmody, along with his trusty facially-challenged sidekick Richard Harrow, direct the cargo off the boats and into cars, where it will be shipped to Chalky White’s distillery.

YAY, Capitalism! 

There, it will be watered-down significantly, and rebottled, so that restaurants and bars around town can pay twice what it’s actually worth to serve it.  And Average Joe American can pay double THAT price to drink it.

Meanwhile, the no-longer arsenic-poisoned Commodore is doing what appears to be Tae Bo in his stuffed animal-infested living room.  Also in this sequence, we get to see a very sad Margaret Schroeder (Isn’t she ALWAYS very sad?) waking up alone in Nucky’s big empty bed, while he canoodles with a new trampy-looking lady, at yet another high class Atlantic City Orgy “business meeting.” (Well, that certainly didn’t take long!)

“What can I say?  I’m irresistible!”

Lest you think this entire episode is going to be all broody and contemplative about the “meaning of life” and “true happiness” and such, we are about to get to the GOOD STUFF . . .

Those Pesky Sheet-heads are at it again!

SHEEETTTT!

OK . . . this next part . . . I’m not going to lie . . . It’s kind of awesome.  And this is coming from someone who doesn’t condone violence at allWho am I kidding?  Fake violence RULES! So, Chalky is at his warehouse, overseeing the delivery of his alcohol shipment . . .

First of all, loving the outfit.  That hat? The red jacket with the fur collar?  The solid gold tie?  This guy is a TOTAL PIMP!

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 . . . when suddenly there’s a knock at the door.  It’s THIS GUY . . .

“Knock, Knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Dead.”

“Dead who?”

“Dead YOU (and me).” 

Yep . . . so much for a security guard.  Those sheet heads from the KKK have come to crash this Jamaican Rum Party.  (Perhaps, the Rum Runners should have had a little CAPTAIN in them?)

“It’s just a Halloween costume.  I don’t know why you guys are getting so upset.”

 The Sheet Heads are shooting down the doors.  People are DYING!  One of the guys even has the NERVE to hold a gun to my darling Chalky’s beautiful head . . .

Fortunately, like all bigots, Sheet Head is a TOTAL MORON.  And instead of, you know, actually DOING WHAT HE CAME TO DO, he starts making the classic cartoon villain mistake of MONOLOGUING about the murder he’s about to commit.  This gives the Bad Ass Chica in the background the opportunity to fire a round right into Chalky’s would-be murderer’s shoulder, and TAKE THAT RACIST ASSHAT OUT!

Talk about standing by your man (or . . . someone else’s man . .  . whatever)!  I haven’t seen this much self-sacrificing bravery since Rupert Murdoch’s wife dove into that PIE, during the congressional hearing . . .

Unfortunately, she got blown up about two seconds later . .  .

R.I.P. Little Miss Awesomesauce . . . I’ll still remember you as the best thing about this episode. 🙂 

And then those damn Sheetheads got away!  But not before a thankfully ALIVE Chalky got one more parting shot at them . . .

 

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I may or may not have cheered, and raised a fist in triumph, when this happened.  Does that make me a bad person?

“Let’s SCHOOL these crackers!”

Learn, dammit! 

Nucky arrives home from a long HARD night of getting wasted and banging whores  planning Atlantic City’s future, when he gets news about the shooting.  Since the KKK are a fairly influential group in Atlantic City at this time, and Chalky is an important ally of Nucky’s both in the illegal liquor business, and in his ability to secure for the politician the much-prized African American vote, Nucky finds himself between a rock and a hard racist place.  And so he decides to visit Chalky at his home, along with his turncoat soon-to-be dead, just like Fredo brother, Eli.

All in all, it’s a rather uncomfortable meeting, that begins with an uncomfortably long piano solo by Chalky’s suprisingly preppy son, and continues with an uncomfortably awkward meal.  Nucky is frustrated with Chalky for shooting at white people, without consulting him first, because that makes HIM look bad.

Seriously, Chalky, had you texted me, when all this was happening, I would have totally told you to hold your fire.  Wait . . . sorry . .  wrong decade. 

(Ummm . . . yeah . . . it’s called self-defense, Nucky . . . learn it . . . live it . . . love it.)

 Chalky wonders why this happened in the first place, especially considering that a big part of the reason he allied with Nucky in the first place,  was to get protection from gun-toting wackadoodles like this.  Chalky’s plan is to crash a Klan meeting, guns blazing, and “SCHOOL THE CRACKERS.” And this is just such a cool phrase, I’d totally have it printed on a t-shirt, if I didn’t think that would probably get me beaten up in the city . . .

I was just kidding about the t-shirt, Chalky.  I swear! 

Nucky promises to do a less sucky job protecting Chalky in the future.  However, he cautions him to hold off on the “Cracker Schooling,” lest he accidentally get himself killed.  Nucky also agrees to refrain from arresting Chalky until further notice.  All in all, it seems like a pretty level-headed compromise on BOTH sides . . .

But things become even more complicated when, during one of Nucky’s community forums, one of the KKK members barges in to announce that a member of clan has died, due to wounds he sustained during the shoot out.  Coincidentally, this is the same guy that ALMOST killed Chalky, but was taken out by Little Miss Awesomesauce (R.I.P.).

“I should be in a brothelhome having sex with a random slut my wife, right now.”

Nucky, who had begun his speech, diplomatically condemning BOTH the African American Rum Runners and the KKK for their actions, finds himself forced to secretly arrest Chalky .  . . “for his own good.”  Something tells me Chalky isn’t going to like that very much . . .

Why PETA HATES the Commodore . . .

So, you like to shoot animals, and stuff them, huh, Old Man?  Well, STUFF THIS!

Back at La Casa de Commodore, Jimmy’s heretofore absentee dad is hard at work Lady Macbeth-ing his ambivalent son to usurp Nucky’s control over Atlantic City.  (It’s pretty strongly implied that Commodore and Co., were behind the KKK raid of Chalky’s warehouse, and his attempted assassination.)  Some of Commy’s advice makes sense.  For example, he tells Jimmy to start forging his own business connections in the liquor trade (a good idea), and to start developing a more positive public presence in the community, by shaking hands, kissing babies, and such (another good idea).  Then he starts point out all these creepy dead animals hanging around his house, and talking about how he killed them . . .

I don’t get it . . . and I don’t LIKE IT! 

He starts telling one story in particular about shooting a bear in the stomach, while looking him straight in the eye, when he was 10.  And I think it was supposed to be “metaphoric” about how you should, confront your enemies, and show no fear, and other such bullsh*t.  But, honestly, I was so disturbed by that poor teddy bears horrified visage, that I wasn’t really paying attention . . .

In my defense, I don’t think Jimmy was either . . . 

Oh, the Commodore did have one thought-provoking line in his otherwise interminable animal-slaughtering monologue.  And this was it: “You will be judged by what you succeed at, not by what you attempt.”

Depressing . . . but true.

In other Bad Parenting News . . .

Things you shouldn’t do to your kids #1 – KISS THEIR WINKYS!

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So, Jimmy finally decided to make an honest woman out of his lesbian wife, and move her and his kid into a nice big house, thanks to the raise he got from Nucky.  Also crashing in this rather sizeable pad, is Jimmy’s pretty, but promiscuous, Mommy, and his loyal sidekick, Richard (more on him later).

“Did you just say, ‘Grandma’s hot?” 

The odd little dynamic of this extended family, becomes immediately apparent in this breakfast scene.  Mrs. Darmody is clearly the third wheel in her own marriage.  First Mama Darmody insists on making Jimmy’s eggs, since SHE is the only one who knows how he likes them.  Then, when Jimmy suggests taking his son bird hunting, just as Nucky took him, back when he was young (important later), and Angela protests, Mama Darmody jumps right in, and sides with her son.

Mommy dearest? 

I have to say, as much as I found the character of Angela Darmody to be a HUGE bore, back in Season 1, I was pretty proud of her, this week.  In most shows where the Mother-in-Law babies her son, and passive-aggressively lashes out at her daughter-in-law, it can takes WEEKS before the wife has the (for lack of a better term) balls to actually say something about it.  Angela confronts Mama Darmody immediately (as soon as Jimmy leaves, of course) about undercutting her authority.  To this, Mama Darmody casually replies that when Jimmy was a baby, she used to kiss his winky.

Now, for a while, a lot of fans have speculated as to the nature of Jimmy’s relationship with his mother . . .  specifically, how Oedipal it might be.  Some have even gone as far as to suggest that their relationship is a sexual one.  Maybe I’m just being naive here.  But, while I think that Gillian and Jimmy DEFINITELY have an inappropriate relationship — one borne out of her having given birth to him at the tender age of 13, and her constant need to be found desirable by ALL men, even her son — I don’t think it quite rises to that level of gross misconduct.

You know how dogs mark their territory, to silently inform other dogs that they should back off?

Yeah.  I think it’s safe to say that Gillian was metaphorically peeing on Jimmy here, to send Angela a message , which coincidentally, is probably exactly what Baby Jimmy would do to Gillian, if she ever got NEAR his winky to do anything other than change a diaper.

Things you shouldn’t do to your kids #2 – Give them wads of cash for trying to SET THEIR SCHOOL ON FIRE

“You just keep lighting those matches, Kiddies.  Mama needs a new pair of shoes!” 

So, remember back in Season 1, when Nucky used to get all weepy, while looking at thost baby incubators . .  . and he boo hoo hooed, about wanting to start a family, and got all upset when Margaret tried to Lysol herself in to contraception?  Yeah, those days are clearly over.  Nucky’s cool about being a dad, when it comes to reminiscing about the “good old days,” of going duck hunting with Little Jimmy.  But when it comes to Margaret’s kids, he pretty much can’t be bothered . . .

This leaves Margaret to cope with the unsightly bruises popping up all over her son, Teddy’s hands, and the fact that he’d rather hide under the kitchen table all day than go to school.  As it turns out, Teddy’s been whacked by his nun . . .

Bad NUN!

Teddy insists that he did nothing to deserve such treatment.  So, Margaret, who seems to be a fairly adept, if slightly cold and Betty Draper-esque mother herself, heads to the school to confront the Slugger Nun.  As it turns out, Slugger Nun hit Teddy because he was playing with matches in the school closet, seems obsessed with fire (FORESHADOWING!), and would have likely been expelled, were it not for Nucky’s high holy connections within the school.  Margie is a bit humiliated now, but relieved .  . . apparently, being a “play toy” for a powerful man has its perks . . .

 

But as kept a woman as she has become, Margaret Schroeder is no dummy.  And so the next time she hears Nucky moaning and carrying on about how Jimmy won’t call him Daddy anymore, she cleverly suggests that he start fathering HER son.  He can start by telling him to STOP TRYING TO BURN THINGS.

Only YOU can prevent Boardwalk Empire Fires . . .

I was saddened, and a bit disturbed, by the fact that, the minute Nucky entered Teddy’s room, he immediately started stripping down to his boxers.  For one thing, it reminded me that Margaret’s first husband was abusive to her, and likely was abusive to her kids as well.  It also reminded me of Gillian’s winky comment .  . . which gave me the shivers . . . if you catch where I’m going with this . . .

But Nucky didn’t want to hit Teddy . . . which was good.  Unfortunately, he didn’t want to PARENT him either . .  . which was bad.  After boredly and awkwardly telling the kids that he should . . . you know . . . not burn stuff anymore, Nucky actually digs into his wallet, and hands Teddy a sizeable bill.  (I think it may have even been a TWENTY  . . . which was SOOO much money back then.)  “Run along to the candy shop,” says Nucky to a surprised looking Mini Schroeder.

Hey Nucky, if by chance you are still alive when this comes out, I have a great movie recommendation for you . . .

(Hey, I just remembered something, didn’t Little Teddy watch Nucky burn down his father’s house, last season?  Uh oh . . .)

Meanwhile, at the complete opposite end of the “warmth” spectrum . . .

Why Richard Harrow needs a HUG . . .

Poor Richard Harrow!  Talk about a serial killer with a heart of gold!  My heart started to go out to the guy, the minute I saw him, sadly pushing his food around his plate, so as not to burden the Darmody family with his inability to hide his disfigurement while eating.  To Jimmy’s credit, he immediately senses his friend’s discomfort, and tells him not to worry about his appearance.  And when that doesn’t work, he kindly offers Richard the option of taking some biscuits back to his bedroom.  An offer Richard accepts gratefully .  . .

Richard’s inquiry to Jimmy about what it feels like to have everything, is an equally sad moment for both characters.  After all, what Jimmy has that Harrow wants is so minimal . . . a family who loves him, a home of his own, and a full-face.  And though Jimmy has all of these things, we know that he isn’t happy.  He wants more for himself, but isn’t quite sure what that entails.  His mother and father are pushing him to usurp Nucky’s position of power.  However, he seems ambivalent about such a future, and slightly troubled by the personal betrayals he will inevitably have to exact, in order to obtain it . . .

“I’m just a boy . . . with a knife . . . and a lot of guns . . . waiting for somebody to love me.”

Later we find Richard upstairs reading . . . Oh, wait  . . . he’s not reading, he’s cutting pictures of families and happy couples out of magazines and pasting them in a book.  OMG!  It’s a DREAM BOOK!  Richard Harrow READS THE SECRET!

Did I just undermine this sweet, and incredibly poignant moment, with a lame joke about a self-help book?   Yeah, I think I did.  Moving on . . . 

Why people who repeatedly refer to themselves in the third person don’t deserve to LIVE . . .

“Yeah, there are these words called ‘I’ and ‘me.’ Learn to use them, or ‘I’ will shoot off your face.” 

In case, I haven’t mentioned it before (and I know I haven’t), AL CAPONE’S BACK!

LOVE HIM! 

Having said that, the one scene we got to see him in, was actually pretty random.  It featured this annoying guy who insisted on talking about himself in the third-person, like the dude “Jimmy” from that one Seinfeld episode they always play on TBS.  Al Capone didn’t like him, and neither did I.  But apparently, this Third-Person Talker guy used to work for Torrio.  Now he has his own business in Cincinatti, which is apparently, a hot spot for liquor.  Torrio and Capone decide to STOP getting their liquor from Nucky, and START getting from this guy, which I guess is just another nail in Nucky’s already VERY HOLEY coffin.

Never . .  . gets . .  . old. 

More importantly, my man Capone is responsible for breaking the bad news to Nucky.  So, we will  DEFINITELY get to see more of him next week . . .

Can I get a HELL YEAH? 

Wasted Tablecloths and Misguided Wedding Gifts

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I’d say Jimmy’s line about the Sheet-Heads was my favorite of the evening.  How about you?

So, remember when I said that the Commodore told Jimmy he should start schmoozing more?   Well, apparently, that meant attending that Almost-Nucky-Murdering Bastard’s funeral.  Nucky, who is schmoozing king, was, of course, also in attendance.  That’s one of the things I love about all these mob shows and movies, they always view funerals as marketing opportunities . . .

JIMMY:  “Hey Nucky, doens’t Chalky have that exact same outfit in red?”

NUCKY: “Yeah, it also comes in purple, green and hot pink.  Would you like one, I have a coupon in my pocket?”

After Jimmy and Nucky pay there respective respects, they engage in an uncomfortable, but meaningful conversation about the fact that Jimmy has pretty much cut Nucky out of his life, apart from the most rudimentary of business transactions.  Nucky is clearly hurt by Jimmy’s recent chilliness, particularly his decision not to consult Nucky about, or even invite him to attend, his recent nuptials.  However, he’s also a bit paranoid (and rightfully so) that Jimmy might be plotting against him with the Commodore.  “He’s a very duplicitous man,” Nucky warns Jimmy, before heading back to the funeral.  “[Now] you’ve been told.”

Later that evening, Jimmy arrives home to find a “wedding present” from Nucky.  But instead of buying him plates, or His and Hers robes, Nucky buys him a rather ugly looking statue, featuring a father and son type hunting.   The significance of the statue is not lost on Jimmy, who clearly has fond memories of his childhood outings with his former surrogate dad, who he is now trying to majorly screw over.

And yet, Jimmy’s facial expression upon receiving the gift is fairly inscrutable.  Does he feel guilty about what he is about to do?   Or is he annoyed at Nucky for trying to manipulate him this way?  Either way, Jimmy literally and metaphorically casts aside his surrogate daddy, by hiding the statue away on the top shelf a closet .  . .

Speaking of things best kept hidden . . .

Hot Times in Atlantic City with Mr. and Mrs. Creepy Van Slappy

Name:  Mrs. Van Alden; Turn-ons: Jesus, churches, warm milk, long walks on the beach, alcohol raids .  . .

After an entire season of being tucked safely away in the suburbs, Mrs. Van Alden has FINALLY come to visit her Creepy, Crazy, Back-Slapping Murderous Husband.  First he takes her to his office at the Bureau, where he finds two of his men, homoerotically wrestling eachother on the floor . . . and act he pretends to be annoyed by, but actually finds quite titillating.

Hey, try not to be so hard on yourself, Psycho.  Your secret is safe with us.

(By the way, have you ever noticed that Nelson Van Alden looks perpetually constipated?)

Hoping to win back the points he just lost from his boss, one of the wrestlers, knowing how religious the Van Aldens claim to be, hands Mrs. V a pamphlet entitled “If Jesus came to Atlantic City.”

The problem of course, is that, while purporting to be a religious guide to the city,  the pamphlet is actually a listing of every WHOREHOUSE and NUDEY BAR in town!  Careful, Wrestler Cop, remember what happened to the LAST GUY who tried to “help” Van Alden with his “religous desires?”

R.I.P. Agent Sebso! 

While reading about whores, Mrs. Van Alden remarks that perhaps it is a good thing she can’t have children, since a world where people have sex for fun, is CLEARLY not a place to raise a godfearing kid . . .

At a swank restaurant, Mrs. Van Alden finds herself once again APPALLED when a sweet and efete-sounding waiter fairly blatantly offers the couple ALCOHOL!

Creepy Van Alden initially doesn’t seem to surprised or upset by this inquiry.  He simply orders himself some warm milk, and is ready to call it a day.  But one look at his wife’s judgy eyes tells him that he must do something about this MORTAL SIN the waiter is committing.  And so he calls his cronies at the Bureau, and stages a loud and over-dramatic raid on the restaurant . . . one that includes punching the poor waiter in the face, as well as raiding the restaurants massive liquor stash, and filled coffers . . .

Now, THAT looks like my kind of party!

Van Alden then takes a totally-aroused Mrs. Van A back to a seedy hotel  (He can’t take her back to his boarding house .  . . we’ll learn why in a bit.), and proceeds to have the unsexiest sex EVER with her.

The next day, Van Alden drops his wife off at the bus station and returns home, with the cash he stole from the restaurant during the raid.   He is not alone.  SOMEONE IS SLEEPING IN HIS BED . . .

Apparently, Van Alden has been boarding that evil slut Lucy (who is now VERY pregnant with his creepy spawn), and paying for her living expenses / doctors bills with money acquired from illegal raids.  Jesus would most certainly NOT approve, Nelson!

“Doh!”

Uh oh . . . I hope you can get a refund on that extra movie ticket, Margie!

The episode ends with a doleful Margaret watching Charlie Chaplin’s “The Kid,” with her children, and staring at an empty seat next to her.  It appears her loyal and loving .  . . whatever it is these two are to eachother now . . . Nucky has stood her up.  In Nucky’s defense, he actually has a pretty good excuse.  You see, he’s recently been ARRESTED FOR ELECTION FRAUD!

And that was the Season 2 Premiere of Boardwalk Empire, in a nutshell?  So, tell me, what did you think of the episode?  Was it Jackpot . . . or a disappointing Bust?  Sound of in the comment section below . . .

Until next week . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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BITE ME, UNCLE ALPHA! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale Part II “Code Breaker”

Derek Hale, you just purchased a brand new pair of red-colored contacts became the new Alpha.  What are you going to do now?

DEREK: “I’m going to have crazy, mindblowing, sex with a TV Recapper!” 

Greetings Werebangers!  Well, the finale of Teen Wolf has come and gone.  And the world, as we know it, will never be the same.  We’ve seen things we can’t unsee: people with their throats ripped out; corpses tucked in the trunks of cars; skin irreparably burned by twin Molotov Cocktails; a body spewing blood across a hospital bed, like a geyser . . .

 . . . and, the most shocking image of all . . . DEREK HALE SMILING!

So, reload that crossbow, toss me a Molotov, and show me your teeth, because it’s time for the FINAL Teen Wolf Recap of the Year . . .

Man, I’m going to miss using this GIF!

(As always, special thanks to the spectacularly brilliant and talented screencapper Andre, for the images you see here.  Were it not for all his help, this season, these recaps would probably be filled with nothing more than my LAME words, and a few random promotional stills that I nabbed off  MTV.com. 🙂 )

“So . . . ummmmm, Allison.  About my New Face . . .”

“You like?”

When we last left those two crazy kids, Allison and Scott, they were contemplating a little quickie in the old school bus .  . .

 . . . until, of course,  that mean ole’ cock block, Papa Argent came, and TRIED TO RUN SCOTT OVER WITH HIS CAR . . .

 Damn you, Papa Argent!  It’s YOUR fault that this show is only rated “T” for teen!

Once Scott realizes what has happened, he runs off to LITERALLY go howl in the woods .  . .

OK, Scott.  I know your “devastated,” and all.  But is it really necessary to go rolling around in dirt, in your WHITE DRESS SHIRT?  What is this . . . the beginning of a Tide detergent commercial?

Having been effectively neutered by his girlfriend’s dad, Scott goes to the vet’s office, so he can “sort out his feelings” along with the other K-9’s .  . .

*sniffle, sniffle*  “I wish I could just roll over, and play dead.” 

As for Allison, she’s more in shock than anything else.  Wouldn’t you be, if you found out you were screwing a dog?

AWKWARD!

 Papa Argent hugs his frightened daughter to his chest, and drives her home.  Given the state she’s in, he will probably have to wait until tomorrow to get her a rabies shot.

Meanwhile, out on the football field . . .

Road Trippin’ with Uncle Alpha

Stiles is freaking out now, huddled, as he is, over a definitely unconscious Lydia’s limp body.

“Uhh . . . Lydia?  I really hope you don’t let this reflect poorly on your opinion of our first date.”

But Uncle Alpha doesn’t seem all that concerned.  He has bigger fish to fry than prospectively dead redheads.  He wants to find Derek Hale, and he needs Stiles to help him do it.  “Why don’t you just kill me, already?” Stiles shouts.

Oh, come on, Stiles!  Let’s not be so overdramatic!  I mean, Lydia’s a nice girl and all (Well . . . not really).  But she’s not technically your girlfriend yet, is she?  So, there’s really no need to go all Romeo and Juliet on us, now.  Is there?

After Uncle Alpha assures Stiles that he doesn’t want to immediately kill him, Stiles reluctantly agrees to help him find Derek.  However, being the chivalrous gentleman he is, Stiles absolutely refuses to leave Lydia three-quarters dead, in the middle of the football field.  (What a guy!)  So, Uncle Alpha, ever the resourceful Super Villain, suggests that Stiles call Jackson, and tell him where he could go to pick up his ex-girlfriend, and possibly ex-human.

“Lord, when I asked you for a ready and waiting woman, to fall into my arms, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.” 

Chilling out in Stiles’ jeep together, en route to Uncle Alpha’s car (which is located in the parking lot of the mall / grocery store) “sensitive” Uncle Alpha tells Stiles not to worry about Lydia, since there’s a good chance she could come back to life, as a big hairy werewolf.  What a refreshing thought, Uncle Alpha!  Stiles, of course notes that this would also mean that Lydia will start sprouting hair in weird, unattractive places, undoubtedly causing Stiles to cough up many a hairball, if and when he sleeps with her will eventually lose control, and try to EAT STILES, at some point, all because she’s having a bad day.

Yeah . . . that wasn’t what I meant. 

Uncle Alpha can’t really argue with that assessment, so he starts humming to the tunes on the radio, instead . . .

“My mouth is alive, with juices like wine.  And I’m Hungry Like the Wolffffff.” 

Over in the parking lot, Uncle Alpha lets Stiles get a peek underneath his hood . . . oops, I mean, in the trunk of his car . . . which is actually the red-headed nurse’s car.  “But  . .  . she’s dead,” exclaims Captain Obvious Stiles, in horror.

Check out the hand.  It looks kind of wolfy to me.  I guess “getting the bite” doesn’t necessarily promise a long life, now, does it? 

“I got better,” remarks Uncle Alpha emotionlessly.  (Haha!  I like THIS GUY!  He’s funny!)

From the stinky corpse-filled trunk, Uncle Alpha extracts a iMac laptop, causing Stiles to wonder whether ALL werewolves are MAC people.   (Gee, I wonder how much Apple paid for THAT little advertisement?)

Buy iMac . . . for all your wolfy, human flesh-eating needs. 

Now, all they have to do, is type Scott’s iPhone username and password into the computer, and they can figure out where Derek (who has been hanging on to the phone for precisely this purpose), is being held captive.  After making a few growled threats, and promising to keep Scott safe, Uncle Alpha eventually gets Stiles to admit that he knows both Scott’s username AND password by heart.

Stiles types both in, and Uncle Alpha hilariously rolls his eyes.  “His username is ‘Allison.’  And his password is also ‘Allison‘?”  He snorts derisively.

“Apparently, I’ve just let the human equivalent of a tampon into my wolf pack.”

(OK, so, I immediately guessed Scott’s password.  He’s not particularly intelligent, or creative, after all.  But that username threw me.  I mean, what kind of guy chooses “Allison” for their username?  The kind of guy who gets weepy, while watching The Notebook, that’s who!)

“Are you sure you still want him in your pack?”  Stiles quips.

Uncle Alpha doesn’t look sure at all.  In fact, he’s probably wishing he took Stiles, instead, or Stiles’ dad, or THIS GUY . . .

 . . . anybody aside from Schmoopy Scott and his oh-so-creative cell phone passwords!

Within moments, Derek Sexy Pants’ location is revealed.  Apparently, Auntie Kate has been keeping him in a dungeon, underneath the guy’s OWN HOUSE, this WHOLE TIME.

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I suspect the warehouse was used back in the day, by the family, to prevent themselves from eating their neighbors, during the Full Moon.  (How thoughtful!)

Having gotten what he wanted out of Stiles, Uncle Alpha takes the keys to the poor kid’s jeep and smashes them in his hands, so he can’t follow him. He then prepares to strand the poor guy in the parking lot.

Wait . . . how did he get them all to bend in different directions?  That’s pretty impressive! 

“Oh, so your not going to kill me?”  Stiles asks, seeming slightly disappointed, if you ask me.

Uncle Alpha, honestly, seems hurt by the notion that he would kill the most popular character on this show. “When are you going to realize that I’m not the bad guy here?”

“You turn into a giant monster, with red eyes and fangs, and YOU’RE not the bad guy?”  Stiles quips.  (LOVE HIM!)

“I’m just misunderstood.” 

Though clearly played up for humor, this conversation actually brings up a good point about Uncle Alpha.  I mean, of course, he’s the Bad Guy!  How could a guy morph into something that looks that hideous and not be? And yet, Uncle Alpha is far from the one-note maniac with his heart set on World Domination that we so often see on these types of shows.

Much like the Argents (well, at least Papa Argent . . . there’s no accounting for Auntie Kate the Psychotic Werewolf Slayer), Uncle Alpha has a code to live by, and that code is Vengeance.  All his actions throughout the season were geared toward attaining that goal.  And while this doesn’t make his actions justifiable, it certainly gives him a valid, and somewhat relateable, motive for his crimes.

So, while WE view Uncle Alpha as a Bad Guy for what he did to Laura Hale . . .

 You just don’t come back from something like this . . .

. . . and what he’s TRYING to do to Derek, Scott, and his friends, as viewers, we can definitely see why Uncle Alpha HIMSELF doesn’t see himself as a Bad Guy, but more as a victim, of sorts, turned renegade anti-hero.

In fact, to prove he’s “not a Bad Guy,” Uncle Alpha offers to repay Stiles for  all his heart work and support, by BITING HIS ARM OFF!

 “Does anybody have any butter?”

That’s right, boys and girls!  Realizing that one of his packmembers is this uber sappy emo kid, who’s unhealthily obsessed with his girlfriend, Uncle Alpha has decided that it might not be such a bad idea to do a little additional pack recruiting.  And he wants Stiles on his man-eating team.

Just as Derek did with Scott, during the Pilot episode, Uncle Alpha begins to sell Stiles on the joys of being a werewolf.  Believe it or not, the “DO YOU WANT THE BITE?” scene was by far my favorite of the episode, and, considering this episode contained within it a heaping helping of Shirtless Derek, that’s saying A LOT!

“Whatchu talkin’ about, Recapper?” 

“You know, I bit Scott that night, because I needed a pack, but it could just as easily have been you . . . ” Uncle Alpha begins.  (Well, that’s a new piece of information!)  “If it doesn’t kill you, which it might . . . you will become like us . . .  no more standing on the sidelines watching Scott grow stronger, and more popular . .  . watching him get the girl.  You two will be equals . . . maybe you’ll even more than that.”

This naughty little puppy is about to get a spanking. 

One of the things that makes Uncle Alpha such an intriguing character, is that he is capable of SO much empathy, especially for a villain.  (A quality which the female Auntie Kate, ironically seems to almost completely lack.)  The reason why Uncle Alpha is so great at manipulating the other characters on this show, is that he has such a deep understanding of them.

He knows that Derek is primarily driven by his guilt over the pain of losing his family.  He KNOWS that Scott would pretty much sell out his own mother to protect Allison.  And he knows that Stiles, while being predominately driven by loyalty toward his friends, also deep down, must be feeling some resentment toward being forced to the sidelines, as the less intelligent, and less generous Scott is given the opportunity to shine with his newfound abilities, and new hot girlfriend.

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You gotta admit, for a socially awkward high school kid, who’s best friend is already a werewolf, accepting Uncle Alpha’s offer sounds like a pretty good idea, don’t you think?  (Just ask Jackson.)

“Please bite me in the ass.  I’ll be your best friend!” 

Stiles doesn’t say anything at first.  He just sort of stands their gawking at Uncle Alpha, like he wants to make out with him, or something.  Not one to stand on ceremony, Uncle Alpha grabs Stiles’ arm, and slowly lifts it toward his mouth.  But Stiles snatches it back at the last second.  “I don’t want to be like you,” Stiles hisses.

(I know it’s random, but I just couldn’t resist.)

Uncle Alpha doesn’t believe Stiles, because apparently his heart was beating faster, when he said the words, “I don’t want,” thereby signifying a lie.

I guess lie detection is another cool party trick werewolves can do!  I don’t know, Stiles.  It sounds like you are missing out.

Having had his “gift” denied, Uncle Alpha bids Stiles adieu, and heads off in Stiles’ jeep toward La Casa de Old and Decrepit, a.k.a. Derk Hales House . . .

Don’t Mess with Mama Argent!

Back at the Walmart of Guns, Papa Argent is reading Auntie Kate the riot act, for letting the cat out of the bag to Allison about the whole “werewolves exist, and we kill them” thing.  (So,  I guess this means Papa Argent didn’t expose Scott as a werewolf to Allison, on purpose?)

He’s beginning to question Auntie Kate’s real reasons behind returning to town, and whether she’s adhering to the code, considering she seemed so willing to put a teenager like Scott’s life at risk, even though he’s never spilled any blood, while in wolf form.  (Well . . . except maybe Danny’s.)

How soon we forget! 

You can tell that Papa Argent is already starting to piece things together, when he notes that Uncle Alpha only seems to be killing those individuals with some connection to the Hale fire.  “Well, everyone always blamed us for that,” Kate argues.  (UHH HUH!  With good reason!  Because YOU did it, B*tch!)

Why do I get this weird incestual vibe, everytime I watch these two interact on screen with one another?

Ultimately, Papa Argent punishes Auntie Kate for her insubordination, by benching her from the Game of Kill Alpha, and forcing her to take Allison out of town to ensure that she is safe from any possible retaliatory Alpha acts that might be made against her person, within the next couple of days.  Auntie Kate reluctantly agrees, but she does so with a mishievous gleam in her eyes, that seems to suggest that she has other plans for her and Allison, ones that involve a bit less road tripping, and a bit more ass-kicking . . .

I would wipe that smirk off your face, if I were you.  In about 15 minutes, you aren’t going to have a throat . . . or a working neck, for that matter.

Upstairs in Allison’s room, her mom is helping her to pack for her little “Please don’t kill me, Mean Werewolf,” excursion.

We’ve really only met mom once or twice this season.  But we already know she’s a total WACKJOB, one that makes Auntie Kate look like a pussycat by comparison.  (Who would have thought that scary Papa Argent, would end up being the most docile and relatable adult in this family?)

“Who you callin’ DOCILE?” 

In addition to her severe haircut, and super frightening alien eyes, Allison’s mom is like a cross between a Stepford Wife, Mommy Dearest, the Wicked Queen in Snow White, and a rabid pitbull.  During her scene with Allison she alternates from faux smiling and discussing the weather up north, and what Allison should wear, to screaming at her to keep quiet about all the family secret’s she’s recently learned.  Mommy Dearest, indeed . . .

Gross Anatomy (No, really . . . that sh*t’s nasty.)

Just as Uncle Alpha had envisioned, Jackson retrieves Lifeless Lydia from the football field, and carries her back to school to get some help.  She is promptly brought to the hospital where, according to the doctors, she seems to be having an allergic reaction of sorts to the bite she received.

Don’t I look all pretty and angelic, in my hospital bed?”

Outside in the waiting area, Deputy Daddy gives Jackson a good ole’ TVD style wall slam, demanding to know exactly what happened to this teen, who was suppposedly Jackson’s girlfriend.

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I suspect Jackson has a pretty good idea of precisely what happened to Lydia.  But, of course, he passes the buck, telling Deputy Daddy that maybe he should ask HIS SON, since HE was Lydia’s actual date to the dance, not Jackson.

Now it’s Deputy Daddy’s turn to be near tears.  “Somebody better find my song,” he whispers frantically, before finally letting Stiles go.

Entering the hospital with a creepy detached look in her eye is Allison, who’s walking through the hospital halls, like she’s a dude with a hard-on.

 I didn’t know there were zombies on this show . . .

She immediately finds Lydia’s bed.  And when she places her hand on the glass, Allison envisions Lydia, seizing violently, and shooting blood all across the room.

That was neat, Allison!  I want to learn to do that!

Of course, when she removes her hand, Lydia goes back to normal, her bed just as white and pristine, as when the bedsheets were first washed.  But hey, just because it was a hallucination on Allison’s part, didn’t make it any less nasty.

When Allison returns to the car, “supportive” Auntie Kate is right there waiting to give her a little snide, “I told you so.”

Why does this picture remind me of a poster for the direct-to-video sequel of Thelma and Louise?

According to Auntie Kate, this is what ALL werewolves do.  “They just can’t help themselves . . . yes, even Scott.”

Oh, Auntie Kate, you Shameless Murderer of Young Love, you!

“DIE, ROMANCE, DIE!” 

When Stiles finally arrives at the hospital, his father is clearly relieved to see him alive.  But still . . . he has some SERIOUS explaining to do, about the whole, “leave your date in the middle of a field to die, after she was bit by  . . . SOMETHING” thing.  Nevertheless, Deputy Daddy has some important information to share with Stiles.  Specifically, he tells him that the person who orchestrated the Hale fire was a woman, currently in her late 20’s wearing a very distinct necklace.

And that’s how Stiles FINALLY fingered Kate .  . .

. . .  wait . . . that didn’t come out right.

Of course, now that Stiles has returned, everyone seems to be looking for Scott.  Deputy Daddy inquires as to his wereabouts, but both Stiles and Jackson remain mum.  However, when Papa ARGENT, asks the same question, Jackson, who I will hereinafter refer to as the Little Weiner tha Couldn’t, or Little Weiner for short, cracks under the pressure.  (SURPRISE!)

It’s time for more idle threats and wall slams!  Yay!

“Pucker up, cutie pie!”

Papa Argent takes this captive audience opportunity to tell Stiles his furry little bedtime story, about the time he had to shoot his rabid werewolf, former best friend in the head.  Stiles snarks that Papa should use better judgment selecting friends.  Papa fires back, by forcing Stiles to recall the time he was forced to chain Scott to the radiator, during the whole Bad Scott Full Moon episode.

“Memories . . . like the corners of my mind.  Misty water colored memmoriesssss, of the way we werreeee.” 

In response, Stiles FINALLY lets Papa in on what we’ve known all along, that Auntie Kate was the one who broke the Hunter Bro Code to burn down the Hale House, all those years ago.

Annnnd the plot thickens . . .

Once Papa Argent is done man-handling the kiddies, Stiles and Jackson decide to head off in Stiles’ Porsche to go find Scott themselves, since they are both pretty sure, under the circumstances, that he is hanging out at La Casa de Old and Decrepit with Wolfman Derek.

Scott McCall to the Rescue (I guess there’s a first time for everything!)

We return to the dungeons to find Sexy Wolfman Derek still shirtless . . .

*sigh*

 . . . and still being beaten by the Argent Enforcer, Mr. Clean .  . . this time, with a bat.

I’ve never been so jealous of a bat before in my life .  . . 

Scott finds Derek by howling at the moon.

(Because that’s not cheesy at all.) 

By the time Scott arrives, Derek has managed to remove enough of his chains to knock out the enforcer.  Derek is pretty happy to see his fellow pack member.

“So, this one time . . . at band camp . . .” 

But the pair seem to be at a bit of a standstill.  You see, Derek wants Scott to help him out of his last restaints, but Scott wants Derek to promise to help Scott rescue Allison first.  Having had his own  . . . negative experiences with Argents during his teen years . . .

 . . .  Derek wants Scott to buck up and behave like a wolf.  “You are 16-years old . . . you are not in love.  You are a CHILD,” Derek growls, even though he can’t really be more than five years older than the “child,” himself.

But then Scott conveniently shows Derek the paper indicating that the Alpha, with the nurse’s help had lured Laura Hale into town to kill her, so that he could become the Alpha.  And suddenly a vengeful Derek is right back on the “Help Scott, Save Allison, Kill Alpha Team.”  He breaks out of the restraints himself, and the two betas make a run for it . . .

Nice Knowing Ya, Auntie Kate (Well . . . not really . . . but, you know .  . .)

Derek and Scott are running around La Casa de Old and Decrepit, when Derek suddenly has the strangest feeling that they are being stalked.  Scott suddenly decides to get all META, and tell Derek that by SAYING seems to easy, he’s pretty much GUARANTEEING that bad sh*t will go down.

NOW, you tell me!” 

Cue the entrance of Allison and Kate, and their weird weapons arsenal.  Using her archery bow, Allison expertly hits Derek with two silver tipped arrows at Kate’s command.

“WOAH!  How did THAT get there?” 

She then blows up a tree near Scott to blind and incapacitate him.

Cue the Bad Ass Female Music, as the two women walk in slow mo toward their prey.  A whiny squinty Scott continues to proclaim to an angry Allison that despite pretty much lying to her for 11 episodes straight, he really does love her, and has only been trying to protect her this entire time.  Kate interrupts this sweet heartfelt moment to tell Allison that it’s time to kill the Betas.  Naive Allison is SHOCKED at this suggestion.  “I thought you just wanted to catch them,” she exclaims.

Really Allison?  Have you met Kate the WEREWOLF SLAYER?  Have you been watching the same show we have?  Then Kate shoots Derek in the stomach WITH A GUN to prove she’s serious . . .

Then, before Allison can scream “SCOOOOOOOOOT,” she pushes her own niece out of the way, and prepares to put a bullet in our heroes brain.

It’s PAPA ARGENT to the rescue?  He reminds Kate that shooting teens is not acceptable.  She has gone against the code for the last time.  “Put the gun down, or I will put you down,” he threatens, holding a gun in his sister’s face.

(Now don’t you wish you could put THAT sentiment on a Hallmark card for  YOUR sister’s birthday?)

This little Fun Family Moment, is interrupted by the ominous opening of the door to La Casa de Old and Decrepit.  Scott’s eyes begin to glow.  “It’s the Alpha,” he snarls.

Suddenly, the Alpha is circling the Argents at top speed, knocking them to the ground, one by one.  It’s pretty darn hilarious, I have to say, particularly when he does it to Allison.  (Yes, I’m a total b*tch, I know.)  Saving the best for last, he grabs Auntie Kate, and breaks her arm, causing her to drop her only weapon.   He then throws her into the Hale House.

Oh, it’s ON!

Allison runs into the house, frantic to save her Aunt, who the Alpha now has by the neck.

Cutest Couple EVER! 

For the first time, Auntie Kate looks scared, and vulnerable.  She’s no dummy, and knows the end is near for her.  Uncle Alpha remarks that Allison and Kate look a lot alike, only Allison is less damaged.  (Something tells me, she won’t be “less damaged” for much longer, after witnessing this!)  Uncle Alpha then tearfully asks Kate to apologize for killing his entire family.  Kate rasps out a sorry.  But Uncle Alpha breaks her neck, and rips out her throat, anyway, as Allison looks on in horror.

Sayonara SUCKA! 

“I don’t know about you, but that apology didn’t sound very sincere to me,” Uncle Alpha snarls.  (You have to admit, he has a point.)

Then the Alpha lunges for Allison.  But ta-da!  It’s a wolfy Scott and Derek to the rescue.  Scott growls for Allison to run.  It’s GO TIME!

Werewolf Showdown (Cue the bad CGI Graphics!)

As Uncle Alpha’s face gets all stretchy, weird and Alpha like . . .

 This gives the term facelift a whole new meaning . . .

However, Scott and Derek dominate the human transformer, by kicking him, punching him, and doing back flips and karate chops on him. But when Uncle Alpha morphs into his full Alpha mode.  All bets are off, and the playing field is no longer even.  Uncle Alpha then easily incapacitates Derek for like the 80th time this episode, and stalks out toward the humans, who are waiting for him outside

UH OH!

Rock on, Scooby Gang!

Stiles and Jackson arrive on the scene, just as Uncle Alpha is running through the door.

Though I’m not sure when they had time to make them, each is carrying a Molotov Cocktail.  Stiles throws his first.  And, in an echo to the “Night School” episode, the Alpha catches it . . .

Chug a Lug, Alpha! 

 . . . except THAT time the Cocktail was made wrong.  This time, it was made CORRECTLY.  Thinking fast, Scott throws Allison her crossbow, and she shoots an arrow through the Cocktail, causing it and Uncle Alpha to burst into flames.

“Stop, drop and ROLL, Alpha!” 

Jackson then throws HIS Molotov Cocktail to fuel the fire, and Scott needlessly . . . but I guess the writers needed him to do SOMETHING finishes Uncle Alpha off, by kicking him into a nearby tree (Honestly, I’m not sure how he managed to not get burned doing that, but OK.)

“I’m MEEEEEELLLLTIIIING!” 

The Alpha falls to the ground, looking pretty darn dead.  But shockingly he’s not.  Cue Derek’s triumphant exit from La Casa de Rich and Decrepit.  He walks toward the prone Alpha like a man on a mission.

Scott warns Derek, that if HE kills the Alpha, Scott’s final chance at a cure for his werewolfism is pretty much shot.  But Derek isn’t exactly in the mood to listen to reason.  He leans over the Alpha, with vengeance in his eyes.  “You’ve already made your decision,” rasps the dying, groteque-looking Uncle Alpha.  “I can smell it on you,” he concludes, his eyes glowing red for the last time.

And the Derek does it. Using his nails, he takes a big swipe out of Uncle Alpha’s neck, ripping his throat out, just as the Alpha had done to Auntie Kate, moments ago.

His eyes immediately glow red, and his voice starts to get that creepy echo to it.  “I’m the Alpha now,” he says triumphantly.

YEAH, YOU ARE!

Amidst all this (Because seeing people with their throats ripped out is SUCH a turn on!), Allison crawls over to Scott, and starts making out with his wolf face.  The effect of Allison’s saliva, de-wolf’s Scott. “What did you do that for?”  He inquires.

“Because I love you and I really don’t give a sh*t that my favorite Aunt just died, or that I killed someone, and will, therefore, probably be traumatized for the rest of my life,” Allison replies.

Allison, you DOG F*CKER, YOU! 

Cue the schmoopy music.  OK, I’m officially gagging now . . .

Lydia’s a WHAT??!

After all is said and done, Scott and Stiles sneak back into the hospital to look in on a resting Lydia.  After shutting the creakiest door on the planet behind them . . .

 “I really shouldn’t have eaten those beans, before killing the Alpha.  WOW!”

. . . the besties examine her wounds, and find, to their shock and awe, that they did not heal, as Scott’s did.  This means that Lydia is NOT a werewolf, but . . . wait for it . . . SOMETHING ELSE.”

“Seriously!  Her hair is perfect!  How did she do that?  She must be an ALIEN from Planet Good Hair.” 

The Aftermath . . .

The episode ends with the Argents announcing that they have rallied the hunter troops to avenge Auntie Kate’s death, and deal with whatever werewolfy problem is on the horizon for them.

Apparently, having one of their own publicly admonished for KILLING AN ENTIRE FAMILY, including a bunch of innocent kids, is going to make the Argents unpopular in town.  WHO KNEW?

Allison doesn’t care though, she’s cuddling on the roof with Scott.  PUSH THEM OFF!  SOMEONE PLEASE PUSH THEM OFF!  Looking out at the stars . . . and the Full Moon.

QUICK!  STRANGLE HER!  NO ONE WILL KNOW!

Wait, what?  How is Scott human, during a full moon?  Is it because Allison is KEEPING him that way WITH HER LOVE  (blech!), or does it have something to do with Scott’s “maker’s” death.  Only time will tell . . .

In the final scene of the episode, MORON Jackson returns to La Casa de Old and Decrepit to ONCE AGAIN beg NEW ALPHA DEREK to make him into a wolf .  . .

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And based on the Big Ole Once in a Lifetime Grin, Derek gets on his face, as he comes down the steps, he may just decide to oblige . . .

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Bon Appetite, Derek!  Now you may EAT!

And there you have it folks, an admittedly predictable, but definitely game-changing end to a surprisingly well-written and acted show’s freshman first season.  So, now it’s your turn, Werebangers!  What did you think of the finale?  Was it all you hoped it would be?

Did you correctly guess:  Which two characters would die?  Who would turn into a wolf?  Who would make out under the stars, while nauseatingly cheesy music blasted in the background?

Drop me a line in the comment section, and let me know!

“CALL ME!” 

(P.S. In closing, I just want to say that I’ve had such a great time talking Teen Wolf with all of you, this season!  So, to all you brilliant commenters, and loyal lurkers, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing this surprisingly fun and entertaining show with me.  I look forward to doing it all over again with you guys, next summer!)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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High Voltage, Higher Octane – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale, Part I “Formality”

AUNTIE KATE:  “Come on, Werewolf!  Show me your teeth . .  . like in the Lady Gaga song!”

ALLISON:  “Really Kate?   You’ve got this hot specimen of man meat in front of you, and HIS MOUTH is the first thing you want to unzip pop open?  Are you sure we’re really related?”

How’s it hanging, Werebangers?  This is sure shaping up to be one heck of a season finale, isn’t it?  After weeks of speculation, and analysis, the Teen Wolf writers FINALLY seem to be giving us answers to the burning questions we’ve been asking ourselves all season.

And what better backrop for those jawdropping reveals than a High School Dance?  (Well, in truth, some of those reveals came about in a vet’s office, a mall, a warehouse torture chamber, a football field, inside a bus, and in the creepy forest, but still . . .)

So, ramp up your car to 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone, let the Alpha help you pick out your pretty little dress, and give your gay best friend a big manly hug, because it’s time to get this recap started . . .

(Once again, a big round of wolfy applause to my pal Andre, for the spectacular screencaps you see here.  I couldn’t have done it without you, Mister!)

Rattling the Cages  . . .

“Sorry about the chains, and the electric shocks, Derek.  These days, this is the only way I can get men to sleep with me.” 

“Formality” begins right where “Co-Captain” left off (well, actually, it begins a few hours after that time, but Allison conveniently “flashes back” for us, to fill in the blanks).  As a tearful Allison is cruising through Beacon Hills in the rain . . .

“Does this camera angle make my face look fat?”

. . . she recalls Auntie Kate using poor Wolfed-Out (and deliciously shirtless) Derek as a science experiment in electrical conduction . . .

How dry I am.  How wet, I’ll be.  If I don’t find . . . the bathroom key . . .” 

We see a Crazy-Eyed Auntie Kate gleefully describing the Family Business, as Allison looks on in disgust and horror.  Auntie Kate clearly never took a marketing class, because she SUCKS at selling her niece on the job of werewolf hunting.  For example, coldly telling Allison that she sees Derek as nothing more than an animal, is a REALLY stupid thing to say to Allison . . . the girl who rescued a stray dog she accidentally hit with her car . . . a girl who wrote Peta about her father’s “accidental shooting” of a mountain lion.  Allison is CLEARLY an animal lover . . . just ask Scott . . .

Bestiality?

Auntie Kate’s tactics of persuasion improve slightly, when she plays the “I can make you feel strong and powerful,” card, and the “Your parents thought you were too immature and weak to know about this, but I think you can handle it.  Because I believe in you,” card.

These statements make Allison at least a little bit intrigued about what happens next.  “So, what do I do now?” She inquires.  “Go to the dance, and act like a  normal teenage girl.  Because after that .  . you are going to help me catch the Second Beta.”

Wait . . . the Second Beta?  But that’s Scott!

UH OH!  I smell trouble . . . 

If at First You Get a Speeding Ticket, Cry, Cry Again . . .

“I swear, Officer.  I haven’t been drinking.  It’s just that I have this werewolf in my basement, being electrocuted, as we speak.  Surely, you understand.” 

Back in “Present Day,” Allison is out on the road in the rain, having a Mini Meltdown over the information she just received, when Papa Stiles pulls her over for going 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone IN THE RAIN.  The fact that Allison is bawling her eyes out, and having a major mental meltdown, right there in the car, clearly gives Papa Stiles a hard-on softens Papa Stiles’ heart, while keeping her from getting the speeding ticket she SO richly deserves right now.

“I also think she’s kind of sexy.  Shhhh.  Don’t tell Stiles.” 

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t tried this particular method of “Speeding Ticket” evasion.  After all, what good is being a member of the “fairer sex,” if you can’t use that fact to your advantage, somehow?  And yes, it works . . . just in case you happened to be curious . . . it works like a charm.

Coincidentally, so does THIS . . . not that I would know from personal experience. 

Allison starts nuttily babbling on about how she’s “not like this,” and that she’s “strong,” and “should definitely get a ticket.”  By the time Allison is done with Poor Papa Stiles, he barely remembers his own name, let alone Allison’s specific infraction(s).  In fact, Allison’s SO DAMN GOOD AT THIS, that she somehow manages to get Papa Stiles to BEG her not to have to give her a ticket.  Now, THAT’s what I’m talking about!  Way to go, Allison!

“I know . . . I’m awesome.”

With Papa Stiles out of earshot, a mask of calm falls over Allison’s face, and a nefarious glint appears in her eye.  “I’m OK,” she says to herself, and as if to prove it, we get to see her SHOOT AN ARROW UP POOR DEREK HALE’S NOSE . . . well, at least the artist-sketched poster picture of his nose.

“She shoots . . .” 

“. . .  she SCORES!” 

(That’s NOT cool, Allison.  I don’t think we can be friends, anymore.)

Meanwhile, Scott is shirtless (SURPRISE!), and still being felt up by That Veterinarian Everyone Used to Think Was the Alpha . . .

Beware of Alpha’s carrying wooden desks . . .

VET:  “You’re obviously feeling lightheaded, from all the bloodloss.  You should lie back down, and take off your pants.   You will feel better.”

SCOTT: “What does taking off my pants have to do with it?”

VET:  “Well, that would make ME feel better . . .” 

Our first big reveal of the hour happens in Scott’s pants inside the vets office, where Uncle Alpha has come looking to “pick up” some precious shirtless cargo.

Uncle Alpha’s inquiry seems consistent with those viewers who assumed that the vet was in league with the Big Bad Werewolf, and somehow, doing his bidding.  However, the vet’s response to Uncle Alpha smashes THAT theory to bits.  Rising to eye-level with the Beast, Vet Man fixes his steely gaze on the villain, and tells him, in no uncertain terms that he will NOT deliver Scott to him.

*sings* “I’m sorry that you . . . seem to be confused . . . he belongs to me . . . THE BOY IS MINE!” 

Uncle Alpha then attempts to threaten Vet Man, by showing some claw.  However, Vet Man is two steps ahead of him.  Apparently, the gate between the entrance way and Vet Man’s office is either made with, or been covered by, “mountain ash,” which keeps werewolves in their human form.  Nice move, Vet Dude!

Of course, the absolute COOLEST part of the scene comes when Uncle Alpha lifts up a desk, and THROWS it right at the vet’s stomach, only to find that his body can perfectly deflect the impact, a la Superman!

He has a stomach of steel . . . he neuters your pets., with a single pluck . . . they won’t even feel it, when he shoots them in the ass with a rabies shot.  He’s . . . VET MAN!

“Rats!  Foiled Again!”

In case you’ve been counting, that’s Vet Man: 3, Alpha: 0.   Three strikes, and your OUT!  Don’t let the door hit you, where the Good Lord split you . . .  Of course, Uncle Alpha has a few choice words for Scott, before he leaves the vets office for good.  Uncle Alpha wants his pack minion to know that if he doesn’t straighten up, and fly right, the Alpha will . . . wait for it . . . KILL ALLISON!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . . wait . . . why am I still holding his key?” 

Later, back at Scott’s house . . .

Well, Well, Well . . .  Look Who’s FINALLY decided to play hero . . .

“This sounds like a job for . . . NON DOUCHEY SCOTT!”

Oh, Scottiepoo!  For 10 episodes, you’ve pretty much walked around with your head up your ass . . . ignoring your wolfy responsibilities, while your smarter (Stiles) and hotter stronger (Derek) friends, did your dirty work for you.

Now, all the sudden, the finale is here, and you realize that, if you want to make your character likeable for Season 2, he’s going to have to stop thinking about how to please his weiner all the time, and START kicking ass, and taking names . . .

“Hi, my name is Scott.  What’s yours?” 

In this scene we find Scott and Stiles searching in vain for Scott’s ever-elusive cell phone.  (Dude!  The things been taken from you and/or broken about twelve times since the series began.  It’s time to cut your losses, and invest in an iPhone.  Or better yet, just HOWL.  Trust me, your friends (all two of them) will hear you!

SCOTT:  “Allison?  Are you down here?”

STILES:  “I thought you were looking for your phone?”

SCOTT: “Yeah, but it’s been about 30 seconds since I said the word ‘Allison.’  I’m starting to go through withdrawal symptoms.”

Scott frantically tells Stiles that they have to find and rescue Derek.  In an intriguing reversal of roles, it is now the normally self-sacrificing Stiles who instructs Scott to just let Poor Derek rot away in that hunter warehouse (or should I say were-house).  Stiles reminds Scott that, just last week, Derek seemed pretty intent on killing BOTH Jackson and Scott.  However, I think the REAL reason Stiles doesn’t want Derek rescued, is that he’s jealous because Danny finds “Miguel” more attractive than Stiles of Derek’s hot abs.  (OK . . . no . . . I don’t ACTUALLY think that.  But, whatever . . .)

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(That lame joke was just an excuse to use this GIF again . . .Oh, and while we’re at it . . .)

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t resist.

Scott, who is “connected” to Derek, through the whole “Pack Thing,” explains to Stiles that Derek wasn’t REALLY trying to kill anybody.  Rather, he was attempting to protect Scott, and, by extension, Jackson, from both the Hunters, and the Alpha.  Outside, Scott overhears his mother in her car leaving a rather clingy stalkerish message on Alpha’s answering machine.

“Hi Uncle Alpha.  This is Desperation calling.  Please arrange another date with me, or I will be forced to do naughty things with my son’s lacrosse stick.” 

Geez!  Given how creepy and cold the Alpha seemed on the “couple’s” first date, Mommy McCall must be REAL hard up for some loving to want a little Alpha in her!  And, perhaps because she realizes that this, is in fact, the case, she proceeds to burst into tears.

(What .  . . is there a “crying in cars” theme to this week’s episode, about which I am unaware?)

Stiles instructs Scott that he can’t protect ANYONE, because he’s pretty much a selfish turd, who only cares about keeping Allison safe, and can give two figs about anyone else everyone.

“I have to,” says Scott “bravely.”

Is Scott’s new foray into Superhero-dom too little, too late?  Only time will tell . . .

Meanwhile, back in Auntie Kate’s Torture Chamber / Were-house / S&M Pleasure Dome . . .

“Is that your tongue on my stomach, or are you just happy to see me?”

OH Derek, you can ravage me with those, “I want to murder you, in your sleep” eyes ANYDAY (and twice on Sunday!) . . .

The episode’s second big reveal, happens during the S&M Scene between Derek and Kate.  More and more, each week, Auntie Kate seems to prove what a ridiculously evil nutball she actually is . . .  Now we see her holding Derek’s New York drivers license to his face, and telling him to smile more.   (I don’t know, Auntie Kate.  I kind of prefer my Derek mad and pouty, thank you very much!)

By the way, can anyone make out the Birth Year on Derek’s license?  I’m guessing it’s either 86, 88, or 89 . . . 

When Derek remarks that he would very much like to kick Auntie Kate in the face, the wackadoodle somehow interprets this as a COME ON.

All the sudden, Auntie Kate wants to reminisce about all the “Fun Times” she and Derek had together.  “You mean when you burned down my house, and killed my entire family?”  Derek asks angrily.

“I was thinking more of the really hot, and crazy sex we used to have!”  Kate responds.

That’s right, Werebangers!  As many of us suspected, Kate and Derek used to do the DEED together, back in the day.  What we DIDN’T know was that, much like with the Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher, Kate played Derek (who must have been underage at the time) like a fiddle, to get what she wanted from him namely, to have her brains f*&ked out of her :  information as to the whereabouts of the rest of his were family.  So now, not only does Derek feel responsible for his own family’s demise, and the rise of Uncle Alpha.  He’s also suffering from a Broken Heart.  I mean, he actually fell in love with this Crazy B*tch!

(By the way, Vampire Diaries’ fans, does this scenario REMIND you of anybody, in particular?)

“Kiss me, or kill me, Damon.  Which will it be?” 

(Special thanks to East Coast Captain, for this parallel.  Though HE used Stefan and Katherine in HIS example . . .)

Having been given this information, I now feel like I have so much more insight into Derek’s character, and why he is the way he is: i.e. uncommonly broody, unsmiling, not particularly trusting of others, and, perhaps, most importantly, perpetually single, despite looking like THIS . . .

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Another aspect of Derek’s character that makes a lot more sense now, is his broken-record insistence that Scott break all ties with Allison.  Contrary to popular belief, he’s not saying those things to be a cockblock!  He simply doesn’t want Scott to make the same mistakes that HE DID, by giving his trust, and his heart to a Were-Hunter, only to eventually have both irretrievably ripped from his chest!

Unfortunately, just as us Werebangers are putting the puzzle pieces together, so is Auntie Kate.  And it is by using the above-reference that KATE finally figures out that the second Beta is not Jackson at all, but, rather Scott.

Uh Oh . . .

Before our brains can fully process all the information we’ve just been given, those PERVS over in the Teen Wolf writing department treat us to the sexiest, raunchiest, and arguably most disturbing example of foreplay, I’ve seen in a while.  I mean, I definitely needed a cold shower after watching this, both to water down my raging hormones, and to wash that dirty feeling off of me.

In the scene, Auntie Kate decides to torture a handcuffed, electroshocked, sweaty and shirtless Derek (who, thankfully, is back in his sexy human form), by licking his stomach, starting in the crotch area, and slowly working her way up to his neck.

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Tyler Hoechlin plays the scene brilliantly, as someone who’s overcome with hatred for his torturer, but who can’t help but become aroused by what she’s doing to him, and the memory it undoubtedly evokes in both his psyche and his . . . um . . . yahoo place. 🙂

Derek’s fangs come out, in the werewolf (and vampire form of an erection), as he bucks and grunts, tears filling his eyes, trying to keep his body from having its natural response to being licked.  His face turns down toward the Evil Auntie Kate, and he has to fight the urge to kiss her, with all his might.   The humilation and emasculation he is undoubtedly feeling in this very moment, is far worse than any physical pain Auntie Kate can inflict on Derek.  And, of course, PHYSICAL PAIN is about to become an issue, as well . . .

Once Auntie Kate has had her way with Derek, she sicks Mr. Clean, “The Enforcer” on his ass . . .

Speaking of pain, ever since he and Allison have “broken up,” Creeper Scott has apparently taken to sitting on her roof, and watching her sleep.  Now, if you asked him about this, he’d probably say he’s just “keeping her safe.”  But really, he’s just being icky.  Seeing him there, I also couldn’t help but wonder whether Allison’s Wet Scott Dreams were more based in reality than I had initially thought.

Nevertheless, when Scott dozed off, and fell off the roof, I left my ass off, because dude DESERVED IT, BIG TIME, as far as I was concerned.

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I mean, I don’t care how attracted I am to a person, I REALLY don’t want them watching me sleep from my window.  It’s probably not a pretty sight . . .

Also, HOW THE HECK do Allison’s parents NOT KNOW that there’s a DUDE ON THEIR ROOF, EVERY NIGHT?  Hunters FAIL!

“DO IT, for Allison!”

We are treated to yet another locker room scene in this episode . . .

Unfortunately, this time, everyone seems to be wearing a disappointing amount of clothing . . .

During this scene, Coach Cupcake confirms our suspicions that Scott is a Mental Midget, because he’s failing two classes, and doing fairly lousy in all his other ones.  Normally, coaches pad good athletes grades to make sure they don’t flunk out bad grades like Scott’s would spell an end to his lacrosse career.  However, Coach Cupcake has brokered a compromise:  Scott can stay on the team, provided he misses the school dance.  Really?  THAT’S A COMPROMISE?  Sounds like Scott got off kind of easy to me.

“I concur!” 

Of course, to Scott, the idea of not being able to use the school dance as an opportunity to get back inside the Argent pantalones is a fate worse than DEATH!  Worried for Allison’s safety from a hungry vengeance-seeking Alpha, Scott approaches Jackson, and asks HIM to take Allison to the dance in his place.

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Got a bad case of deja vu?”

My first thought, of course, was, Why not just ask Stiles to do it?  After all, he is ALWAYS RIGHT!

 

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Well . . . we’ll see why he didn’t, later. 😉

I suspect one of the purposes of this episode was to make Jackson seem as patently unlikeable as possible.  Otherwise, I’m a bit confused by his reaction to this request.  I mean, I get that Jackson was only seducing Allison to get under Scott’s skin.  But, really . . . Jackson is a heterosexual (maybe?) teenage boy, and Allison’s a HOT GIRL, who’s not a total b*tch.  Plus, he genuinely did seem to like her, at least as a friend, during some of the earlier episodes.

And yet, by the way Jackson reacted to Scott’s request, you would think he was asking him to insert a claw down his throat . . . oh wait . . . he already did that. 😉

In fact, Scott actually has to WOLF OUT on Jackson to get him to agree to take Allison to the dance.  Weird . . .

The scene ends with a Bromantic Stiles and Scott moment, in which Stiles eagerly agrees to help the poverty striken Scott somehow find clothing and a ride to a dance he’s not allowed to attend, even though there will be lots of people there who would like to see him dead.  All together now: Maybe Jackson had a point, when he said that these two should screw eachother AWWWW!

Thank you Macy’s, for your SUPER SUBTLE Product Placement . . .

After last week, when Allison not-so-subtly threatened Lydia with her archery skills, and massive weapons arsenal, the stuffy red head decided she better do something to get herself back into Allison’s good graces, after making out with her “ex” boyfriend, and FAST.  Lydia’s solution: buy Allison a dress for the school dance.

Sounds like a pretty good apology, right?  But Allison wants MORE.  She wants Lydia to change her date to the formal from Random Extra Dude to This GUY! (YIPPEE)

It’s interesting that Lydia doesn’t make any mention at all of the fact that Allison is attending the dance with HER ex-boyfriend, who she is clearly not yet over.  I mean, on one hand, her previous actions, put her not really in the place to say anything.  On the other hand, wouldn’t THIS already make them even, without the dress and the date change.  Not that I’m complaining, of course.  As you know, I love me some Liles (Stydia?).

Somehow, Allison finds herself separated from Lydia and Stiles.  So, of course, the minute she’s alone, a leering Uncle Alpha makes his appearance.   (Honestly, this part was kind of lame.  I mean, even if Scott and the rest of the Scooby Gang DIDN’T find Allison, Uncle Alpha REALLY wasn’t going to be able to do her any harm, in this crowded of a place.  Then again, maybe he was just doing this to prove a point.  More on that later . . .)

By the way, WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH UNCLE ALPHA’S HAIR? 

Anywhoo, apparently, Uncle Alpha is the Tim Gunn of Teen Wolf, because he had all these random fashion tips for Allison about what dress would best suit her coloring.

“Make it work, Allison!” 

Uncle Alpha can be pretty darn persuasive, when he wants to be (even without wolf pack mind control powers).  And Allison ultimately selects the silver dress the costume department Uncle Alpha chose for her, instead of the darker colored one she had originally chosen.  Oddly enough, Lydia goes with a silvery dress too, which you would think she would avoid at all costs, so as not to look like she had coordinated dresses with Allison, but . . . whatever.

Long story short, Scott sees Uncle Alpha making a move on his girl, and just like he did with his mom before him, Scott stages a distraction, in the form of having her car towed, to get her out of harms way.  Uncle Alpha repeats that he is impressed with Scott’s “dedication to the cause.”  However, he reminds Scottipoo that “he can’t be everywhere all the time.”  As I suggested in an earlier paragraph, I’m pretty sure that Uncle A’s accosting Allison in the mall, was meant more to prove the above point, than to do anything more harmful to her person.

“Go out and get yourself laid, Son!  (At least ONE person in this family should be getting some.)

“Well, at least it’s easy access.” 

Back at the McCall crib, Scott has found himself a natty, ill-shapen ripped up suit to wear to the dance.  Mama McCall (who never offered to buy her son a suit) makes up for this infraction, somewhat, by offering to sew up this ugly one for him.  While she does this, she wonders out loud why Scott didn’t just find another dance partner, after Allison dumped his ass.  (Of course, Mommy McCall has NO idea that Scott isn’t allowed to be attending the dance AT ALL, let alone with a DATE.)

In a scene that was equal parts sweet, nauseating, and WAY TOO LONG for my taste, Mommy encourages Scotty Dearest to tell Allison that he loves her, before it’s too late.  Yes, Mommy McCall, because HIGH SCHOOL is all about finding “The One.”  Drunken flings, and random hook-ups, be DAMNED!  That being said, I very much approved of Mommy McCall telling her son not to be a dumbass.  Truer words were never spoken.

Good Ole, Danny!  (He’s one of the Best Looking Plot Devices I’ve Ever Seen . . .)

I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . 

Outside in the parking lot, Jackson is in his car, drinking from a flask, because apparently he needs to be wasted to go to a dance with a hottie like Allison.  (Seriously, what the f*&k is wrong with this douchebag?  What the writers are doing with this character is stretching the realms of believeability . . .)  Realizing that Jackson’s going to be about as much fun as root canal, Allison steps out of the car, and smiles broadly, when she sees Scott running across the roof of the school.  And suddenly all the lame, random, plot driven reasons why she dumped him are all is forgiven, between them.  After all, it could be worse, she could be dating JACKSON.

Somebody who WANTS to be dating Jackson very badly is Lydia, who seems more than a bit distracted when the goofy but adorable Stiles, opens the passenger side door of his jeep, allowing her to practically fall out of it.  When Jackson all but ignores Lydia in the parking lot, she is crushed.  Fortunately, sweetheart Stiles is there to tell her how pretty she looks in her Allison look-alike dress . . .

At the dance, an awesome song is playing that I will be downloading onto my iPod, as soon as I finish writing this recap, thank you very much!  It is called “Just a Little Bit,” by Kids of 88, and it’s pretty awesome.

Scott enters the dance, only to find himself cornered by BOTH Coach Cupcake, and Uncle Alpha at the SAME TIME.  (OK, who the f*&k let Uncle Alpha into the dance?  Because that’s the oldest looking 16-year old I’ve ever seen!)

Guess he didn’t like that, huh? 

I  usually make fun of Scott’s idiocy, but I have to say, that his impromptu “dance with Danny,” in order to prevent Coach Cupcake from publicly kicking him out of the dance  (He would have looked like a total homophobe, and probably got sued, or fired, if he did.) was pretty inspired thinking.

“May I cut in?” 

And, of course, once again, Danny gets used and abused as the Gay Plot Device.  Here’s hoping Ole Danny Boy gets some storylines of his own, next season, because he seems pretty cool.  (And so does his hot boyfriend, for that matter. . . )

Dance Until You Die?

Since neither Jackson nor Lydia seem interested in dancing, both Allison and Stiles must engage in a little creative persuasion to get their respective dates onto the dance floor.  My favorite of the two, not surprisingly, was Stiles, who was TOTALLY channeling early Season 1 Seth Cohen, when he told Lydia to “get off her cute little ass and dance with him,” since he “had a crush on her since the third grade,” and “is the only one who knows how truly smart she is.”

As if all that wasn’t adorable enough, Stiles tells Lydia that he suspects she will get  a Nobel Prize for solving some complex Mathematical Equation.  And she corrects him, by noting that she will be getting a Fields Price, not a Nobel.  The two slow dance together, for a while.  And Lydia, actually seems fairly into it, with her head tucked carefully into the crook of the not-so-tall Stiles’ neck.

Unfortunately, Lydia can’t help but notice that Jackson has wandered off.  Stiles senses her concerns and agrees to accompany her, while she searches for him, to make sure he’s OK.

It’s actually kind of sad, because Lydia does TRULY seem to love and care about Jackson.  However, he’s way too shallow, and into himself, to ever genuinely return those feelings.  Once again, Team Liles for Season 2!  (Assuming Lydia makes it there alive.)

While the rest of the gang is outside, doing productive things, Scott and Allison are dancing close together.  He finally admits that he loves her, and, blah, blah, blah lkjfslkjfsldkfjs;lkj . . . that was my head hitting the keyboard, because I just fell asleep typing these last two sentences . . .

Scott tries to talk to Allison about the whole Werewolf & Werehunter / Romewolf & Juliet Thing, but Allison, who is determined to enjoy her last few hours as a “normal teenage girl” (whatever that is), doesn’t really want to hear it . . .

Out in the creepy forest, a drunken Jackson weebles and wobbles (but doesn’t fall down).  In the distance he sees two familiar red orbs, that he assumes are the eyes of the Alpha.

 “I SEE YOU!”

In a truly pathetic moment, Jackson prostrates himself on the ground, begging the Alpha to “Become like [him].”  (By the way, was anybody else hoping he’d get EATEN in this scene?  Because I sure was!)

“BITE ME!” 

Alas, the red orbs didn’t come from a hungry Alpha ready to eat Jackson, they were from the Papa Argent and his hunter’s infrared flashlights.  “I’m sorry.  I can’t give you what you want,” Papa Argent tells a sniveling Jackson.  “But maybe you can help me.”

“You should have seen what a moron you looked like out there.  That was HILARIOUS!” 

Within minutes, Jackson sings like a canary, giving Scott up as the second Beta.  (Of course, Auntie Kate figured this out HOURS ago.  However, apparently she has been keeping her S&M games with Derek a secret from the rest of the Hunters, and they have NO idea, where she is, or what she is up to . . .)

Elsewhere, Lydia rushes to the football field in search of Jackson, but finds Uncle Alpha, and his razor sharp teeth, instead.  Stiles screams for her to run, but it is too late.

She is bitten . . . A LOT, and falls unconscious.

“What are you talking about Stiles?  There’s nobody behind me!” 

“Oops.”

Uncle Alpha promises not to kill her (though from the looks of next week’s promo, he may have already . . . unless she’s been TURNED), provided Stiles inform him where Derek is.  Stiles, honestly, has no clue where Sexy McWolf is hiding.  However, he cleverly reasons, that Derek knew he would be captured at La Casa de Old and Decrepit, which was why he stole Scott’s cell phone.  Since all cell phones have GPS, Uncle Alpha can use this feature to track Derek to the hunters lair, which, of course, is EXACTLY what Auntie Kate wants . . . aside from more Derek lollipop licks, of course.

If This Bus is a Rockin’ . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison have stopped dancing.  And Allison gets the SUPER TACKY idea that Scott should screw her on a school bus . . . nevermind that some dude DIED ON THERE, a few weeks back.  School buses are ROMANTIC!  What with those super comfy green seats, and the omnipresent smell of teenage body odor, intermingled with rotten lunch?  Who wouldn’t want to bone on a school bus?


Anywhoo, Allison rushes onto the bus, and motions for Scott to follow.  But, just when he is about to do so,  Papa Argent and the other hunters come at him, in their cars at full speed from all sides.

“Go Speed Argent, GO!” 

Scott has nowhere to run, and Allison is certain that he will be squished like a bug.

SQUISH

Instead, he jumps on top of the cars, wolfing out right in front of Allison for the first time, just as Papa Argent suspected he would.  Allison looks horrified.

Wolf Scott looks sad.

“To Be Continued” appears on the screen . . .

Oh the humanity of cliffhangers!

Next week’s trailer promises a major death, and a major werewolf transformation.  Personally, I would LOVE to see Lydia turn werewolf.  Because wouldn’t that just TOTALLY dust Jackson’s doilies? 

“Wahhh!  Why couldn’t it be MEEEEEE?”

Also, I REALLY don’t want her to die, because I’m eager to see how her relationship with Stiles plays out in Season 2 . . . 😉

As for major deaths, my money is on either Papa Argent or Auntie Kate.  Jackson is a possibility too, of course, but that might slice the “young cast” down too much for fans’ taste.  And besides, we wouldn’t get to see nearly as much of Danny, if his best friend croaked, now would we?’