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Population Control – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Sons of the Harpy”

obi wan

The Game of Thrones is a bloody one. There are no elections in Westeros. So, if you want to hold office, there’s a good chance you are going to be holding it over someone’s dead body . . . multiple someones, more likely than not.

For those of you who complained, “This season of GOT is not nearly bloody enough. I mean, sure, we had the obligatory Big Death at the end of each episode, Burning Mance in episode 1, headless Dany follower in episode 2, headless Janus at the end of episode 3 . . . that old guy at White Castle the House of Black and White. But I want some serious carnage. The sound of swords searing through flesh . . . rotting, fetid corpses in other places apart from the Bolton’s house, where they are merely decoration . . . a mountain of dead red shirts and extras, whose names we will never learn,” this, my friends, was the episode for you.

Let’s begin the body count, shall we?

She’s Just Not That Into You

Jorah-Mormont-house-targaryen-24524217-800-450just not

Poor Jorah. He truly believes that kidnapping Tyrion Lannister and hijacking a ship to Mereen is going to get him out of the dog house and into the pants of the Mother of Dragons. Clearly, he hasn’t been watching Game of Thrones this season, and, therefore has no clue about This Guy   . . .

daario

Hate to break it to you, Jorah, but a dumpy boat, and a humorous dwarf have nothing on washboard abs and a smug hipster in his sexual prime . . .

Speaking of boats   . . .

It Has To Be Me . . .

If Bronn is to be believed, the Dornish people currently holding Cersei’s only female incestuous love child with Jamie, are a bunch of nymphomaniacs with anger management issues and spectacular tans.

fuck and fight

“No offense, but sailing to Dorne on a merchant ship and rescuing your “niece” doesn’t really seem like a suitable job for a one armed pretty boy like yourself,” Bronn muses. “Why don’t you, I don’t know, pay for an army with your ridiculous wealth and power or something.”

“I’ve conceived three abominations with Cersei, and only one turned out to be a total sociopath / possible spawn of Satan,” Jamie explains. “I am grateful to the gods for this stroke of luck, which I may deserve a little bit, because I’m occasionally nice to Brienne and Tyrion. The least I can do is rescue my illegitimate, incestuous, but fortunately not three-headed, child from a life of beach blanket whoredom in Dorne, a.k.a. the Cancun of Westeros.”

“Spring BREEEEEAAAAK,” exclaims Bronn triumphantly, in a voice that sounds suspiciously like James Franco in that Harmony Korine movie with all the naked Disney stars . . .

Religious Cults are the Worst

sinners equal

After sending any potential dissenters in young King Tommen’s council on paid vacation, Cersei visits the kindly old poo-smelling man she made pope in last week’s episode, and gives him an army to beat the sh*t out of everybody basically.   The new High Sparrow’s “Faith Militant,” i.e. crazy cultists with creepy head tattoos like Charles Manson, led by Cersei’s cousin and former bedmate, dumb-but-hot Lancel,promptly proceed to break into Littlefinger’s brothel, assault and murder a few sex starved old guys and prostitutes, and later imprison, Sir Loras a.k.a the Knight of Flowers, a.k.a Renly’s former adoring boy toy, a.k.a. Queen Margaery’s scamp brother, for being a homosexual.

tough marg

Lovely Pedophile Margaery promptly appeals to her prepubescent husband to ameliorate her brother’s dire situation. “Tell your bitch of a mother to let my brother out of sex prison,” she demands. “Or you won’t get laid again until you are old enough to get a driver’s license in America.”

“But that’s seven years away,” whines Baby King Tommen. “17 is so old! Almost legal!”

“Well, you better get to work then, Little Blue Balls,” demands Margaery.”

blue balls

“Mother,” Tommen later demands. “I insist that you release Gay Loras from prison, so that I can continue to be regularly statutorily raped by my wife, Lovely Pedophile Margaery.”

“No can do,” relents Cersei. “But maybe our new Smells Like Poo Pope can save your disturbing sex life for you. Why don’t you ask him yourself? You are king, after all, even if you still suck your thumb and occasionally wet the bed.”

Tommen obediently attempts to visit new Smells Like Poo Pope, but is blocked by his creepy cultists, who insist he is praying and cannot be disturbed.   “You could kill his minions and take Smells Like Poo Pope by force,” offers one of Tommen’s guards. “It’s WTLSDJWD”,

“Huh?” Tommen asks incredulously.

“It’s What that Little Shit Dead Joffrey Would Do,” the guard answers matter-of-factly.

joff 2

King Tommen considers this briefly, but quickly finds himself distracted by all the townspeople calling him an incest baby, and has to leave quickly. “I’d totally murder you, but I’m long overdue for a breastfeeding by mommy, TTYL,” offers Tommen politely, as he excuses himself.

“Sex denied,” Margaery proclaims later that night, when Tommen gives her the bad news about Loras’ indefinite incarceration. “You can use your hand tonight.”

Tommen sighs sadly, then quickly extends his arm to pet and fondle all the furry pussies in his life that don’ t belong to his inappropriately-aged wife. It’s still a lot of pussy, just saying . . .

tommen with cat

In Which Everybody Loves Jon Snow (Except, perhaps, for the guy he decapitated last week)

Back on the wall, Jon Snow is teaching his men, how to fight, and Stannis is watching him adoringly from above. (Methinks someone has a Man Crush!)

Apparently, Stannis’ wife thinks so too, because she pops by to passive aggressively gripe and complain to Stannis about his thinly concealed warm fuzzies for Ned Stark’s bastard kiddie. “Gee Stannis, I’m so sorry I birthed you a girl with scar makeup on her face, instead of a strapping young hunk of man meat, like Jon, or an evil shadow baby that murdered your awesome brother like Melisandrei.”

Hey, did you guys ever notice that Stannis’ wife is kind of the worst? I mean, I’m not one to at all condone adultery, and certainly not with creepy Melisandrei, who may very well be Satan in disguise. But if anyone has the right to feel a wee bit dissatisfied with his marriage, it’s this guy.

stannis and grumpy cat

Speaking of Evil Melisandrei, she magically appears to remind Stannis to take her into battle at Winterfell with him, because, one never knows when they might need a woman who produces black shadows from inside her lady parts to vanquish one’s enemies.

Later on in the day, Jon Snow learns that, while the best part of being a commander is being able to sit at the big kids table at meetings, and occasionally decapitate rude baldies, the worst part is most definitely the paper work. Fortunately, Samwell Tarley is a kickass executive assistant. He puts the papers in front of Jon, and all the latter has to do is sign them.

“What is all this crap?” Jon inquires, as his signing hand starts to cramp up.

“You see Jon, over the past few seasons, we’ve murdered a lot of red shirt wall watchers in various battles,” explains Sam. “And just last week, you cut off the head of a bald one. And most people can’t fight without a head. So, these letters beg all the folks from the neighboring towns to send us more extras, who we can then murder and decapitate as we wish! It’s like an open casting call!”

like a wizard

“I hate that you are making me send a letter to Roose Bolton. He murdered my entire family, and his kid is a psychotic. Clearly, any extras he sends me will be demons from hell,” Jon grouses.

“Does this mean you want me to remove the ‘Hugs and Kisses, Jon’ from the signature block on his letter?” Sam asks nervously.

Enter Melisandrei, who is so evil and creepy, she should come with her own soundtrack, so you know she’s coming, like perhaps, the theme song from the Halloween movies, or the one they play whenever the Wicked Witch appears in the Wizard of Oz . . .

Game of Boners

seduction

No scene in GOT has felt more like a porn parody of itself than the one in which Melisandrei attempts to seduce Jon Snow into riding to Winterfell with her and Stannis. “The Watchers on the Wall don’t take part in the Wars of the Seven Kingdoms,” insists Jon Snow.

“There’s only one war, the war of life and death,” Melisandrei explains. “Here I’ll show you.”

“What are you going to show me,” scoffs Jon, “a vision in the fire?”

“Not unless fire is what you crazy kids are calling the vajayjay these days,” Melisandrei notes, as she disrobes for Jon, and places his hand on her tit.

WHAT? WHY? WHAT THE HECK AM I WATCHING?

BabyScared

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like sex scenes as much as the next cable subscriber. But this one just seems out of place. Maybe I was wrong about Melisandrei being accompanied by the Halloween soundtrack, when she enters a room. Perhaps, a 70s porn track would be more appropriate.

“Do you feel my heart beating?” Melisandrei asks Jon, because apparently they are playing doctor now.

gawp

“Um, I would, maybe, but your massive breast is in the way,” Jon muses.

“That’s cool, because I don’t have a heart anyway. Let’s screw and make a legion of evil shadow babies together that will conquer the world,” Melisandrei entreats, as she straddles Jon, and starts grinding against his leg like it’s a hobby horse.

“I don’t think Stannis, a.k.a the guy whose already cheating on his awful wife with you, would like that,” Jon argues.

“He would if we let him watch,” responds Melisandrei.

happy stan

(Actually, she didn’t say that. But something tells me that watching his mistress go at it with the adorable object of his man crush, Jon Snow, would not be the most awful experience Stannis could imagine. He also strikes me as a guy who really digs period piece porn, if you catch my drift.)

“I’m sorry. I can’t f*ck you today, because I’m in love with another ginger,” Jon insists. “Dead Ygritte.”

Melisandrei reluctantly relents, “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” she says before exiting.

know nothing

“Dammit! Why are women always saying that to me?” Jon grumbles, as he returns to his paperwork.

“Rats, foiled again,” whines Stannis, as he turns off HBO, in search of some real porn with actual payoff   . . .

In which Stannis and Shireen get their Hallmark moment . . .

better hug

Upstairs and completely unable to find good porn on Wall Watcher TV, Stannis finds a welcome distraction in his daughter’s presence . “The Wall is no place for a child,” he says apologetically, despite the fact that in the book, most of the Watchers on the Wall are actually prepubescent boys.

“It’s OK, I like it here. I’ve started my own business called ‘Shireen’s School for Westerosians Who Can’t Read Good.’ It’s been a great success. We’ll be publicly traded on NASDAQ next week,” Shireen answers. “Mom told me she didn’t want to take me.”

“Your mother is the worst,” Stannis replies, thus proving that Stannis and I agree on something.

“Are you ashamed of me?” Shireen asks boldly.

It’s something many fans have undoubtedly wondered about Stannis, who seemingly has kept his cute daughter with the scar makeup on her face locked in tower for most of the series’ run. His terrible wife is certainly ashamed of Shireen.

Stannis pauses a bit long before speaking. And, in that moment, fans undoubtedly share Shireen’s nervousness as to what he’s going to respond. He tells his daughter the story of how she got greyscale. As it turns out, she wasn’t born with it, as many, myself included, might have thought, rather she was infected with it by a poisoned doll that Stannis himself had purchased from a Dornish trader and put in her crib, when she was a baby.

According to Stannis, once Shireen became infected, everyone thought she would die, and begged Stannis to send his daughter to live with the Stone Men far away. But Stannis refused to abandon his daughter, and eventually found a Maester to cure her. “Because you didn’t belong with the Stone Men,” Stannis explains.

princess shir my daughter

The look on Shireen’s face, upon hearing these words is resplendent. And when the father and daughter hug for the first time on camera, you’d have to have no heart in your big boob like evil Melisandrei not to get a wee bit choked up at the Hallmark card-iness of it all . . .

Wardeness of the North

watching one another

On the much less Hallmark card end of the spectrum is Littlefinger’s continued dalliances and occasional open mouth kisses with the now fully reborn to the dark side, at least for now, Darth Sansa. Westeros’ second favorite pedophile (Marg is still winning) finds Sansa in the crypt lighting a candle for an aunt she never knew. There, Littlefinger breaks the news to Sansa that he’s leaving for Kings Landing. Thus, Sansa will be alone with gross Ramsey to live amongst all those fetid corpse chandeliers he loves so much.

“Worry not, Darth Sansa,” Littlefinger insists. “Stannis and his Creepy Wife with the army of evil shadow babies between her legs are coming to kill the Boltons. And once they do, they will name you Wardeness of the North, since you are the only surviving Stark child, apart from Bran and Rickon, who nobody cares about, and Arya, who is stuck in hamburgerless White Castle for the foreseeable future.”

“But what if Stannis and his Creepy Wife with the army of evil shadow babies between her legs lose the battle?” Sansa wonders.

“Then, you will become Mrs. Darth Sansa Stark nee Gross Rotting Fetid Corpse Bolton, and after about a year or so, you will stop noticing the smell of all the dead bodies your creepo husband will make you use as a comforter.”

Then, Littlefinger and Darth Sansa make out.

icky makeout

eww_face

“I suppose, the next time you see me, I’ll be a married woman,” Sansa muses half-flirtatiously.

“Never stopped me before,” winks Littlefinger.

little finger eye wag

In Which Bronn Gets his Very Own Dornish Stallion . . .

fighting together

While traveling in Dorne and munching on a yummy rattlesnake dinner, Jamie and Bronn come upon four men on horseback, who quickly suss them out as outsiders, and wish to murder them. “How many do you think you could take?” Bronn asks his new one-armed buddy.

rattler

“One, if he’s slow,” Jamie muses.

So, Bronn easily dispatches of three of the four men, steals the horse of one, and murders the horse of the fourth. “This one should be slow enough for you,” Bronn offers.

And he IS slow enough! Jamie kills him! Hooray! Kingslayer’s still got the swagger!

hot jam

Then, Jamie makes Bronn bury all the dead bodies himself, because he’s a pimp . . . also because it’s really hard to dig with only one hand . . .

Sistahs Sand Snakes are doing it for themselves . . .

they all watch

When we last saw Ellaria Sand, she was busy being disappointed that Doran Martell wasn’t cool with mutilating little Lannister girls to avenge Oberyn Martell’s death. Ellaria has a hunch that Oberyn’s illegitimate daughters , who appear to live under a sheet held up by three poles, will be less discriminatory about who they mutilate. “Do you choose peace or war?” Ellaria asks the three women.

In response, Obara, the oldest, throws a spear into the head of the guy who brought Jamie Lannister into town, just because she can. Clearly, this is not the kind of girl you sing Kumbaya with around a campfire, while eating s’mores.

Making the Best of a Bad Situation

singing ty

While on a boat bound for Mereen, the captive Tyrion entertains his captor Jorah by singing with a gag in his mouth. When Jorah removes the gag, Tyrion admits that he was going to see Dany anyway, and that the two of them, captor and captive, share a mutual disdain for the awful Cersei.

Tyrion is smart enough to surmise that Jorah’s kidnapping of him is nothing more than a desperate attempt of the latter to get back into Dany’s good graces and possibly her bed, after she banished him for trading her secrets to Kings Landing (probably because he accidentally deleted all the Dany / Daario episodes of this show on his DVR, and doesn’t realize yet that he’s WAAAAY outmatched, and there isn’t a chance in hell he’s ever going to get to hit that).

Jorah responds to this revelation by punching Tyrion in the face, and knocking him unconscious.  Bad move, Jorah. Who is going to sing to you now?

angry jor

Ser Barristan-Wan Kenobi and Grey Worm versus Those Creeps with the Weird Masks (a.k.a The Scene Where Everybody Gets Bludgeoned to Death)

barri and dani

Over in Mereen, Dany is having a warm conversation with loveable grandfather type Barristan about how her dad used to dress up like a minstrel and sing to the public because it was fun, also because he was a nutbar. She sends Barristan out for a walk amongst the people, while she attends her umpteenth council meeting about re-opening the fighting pits.

“Fighting pits unite the people, and give them something to live for. Reopening them will show you respect their traditions,” says Mereenite guy.  “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

We interrupt this episode of CSPAN- Westeros Edition to bring you LOTS OF PEOPLE GETTING VIOLENTLY MURDERED!!!!

the masks

Apparently, the Sons of the Harpy, aka, the folks in the weird masks stolen from the orgy scene in the movie Eyes Wide Shut are super pissed at Dany about the whole “no more slaves” thing, so pissed in fact that they want to KILL EVERYONE (which sort of doesn’t make sense, seeing as, if everyone is dead, no one can be a slave).

The unsullied, led by Greyworm try to put down the Sons. But Greyworm seems to be the only one really having any luck with it. Then Barristan joins in, and he’s like the coolest fighting old man since Obi Wan Kenobi, just slicing through Mask Heads, like they are his morning bagels.

kicking ass more ass kicking

Then he dies . . . which sucks, and Greyworm dies too. . . I think, maybe.

The final shot of the hour is a really gross hallway filled with a pile of murdered rotting disgusting corpses, kind of like what you would imagine Ramsey’s childhood bedroom would look like, if he ever had a childhood . . .

dead together

And that was “Sons of the Harpy.” Until next time, my friends . . .

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How to Lose Friends and Alienate Mereeneese – A Recap of Game of Thrones “The House of Black and White”

dany looking silly

“He definitely has my eyes. But I’m pretty sure he inherits his skin from his father’s side of the family.

While last week’s Game of Thrones premiere marked fans’ much awaited reunion with the beloved Sansa Stark and Jon Snow-sort-of-Stark, one surviving Stark child was woefully absent from the hour. Well, Bran and Rickon Stark were also technically absent. But, let’s be honest, no one really gives two shits about them. This week was Arya’s time to shine! And by shine, I mean “mope and look pissed off at the camera for fifty minutes, but also stumble upon some kind of cool adventures with old dudes.” by the door Plus, girlfriend’s rockin a sassy new hairstyle . . . and you can’t go wrong with that.

Also this week on GOT, Jon Snow accidentally embarked on his political career. And he did so, in an unassuming “aw shucks” kind of way that would have made Francis Underwood from House of Cards hate his “brooding man-child turned Prom King of the Wall” guts. underwood side eye And finally, Dany learned that, even when you’ve managed to turn an entire city against you, if you are pretty enough, and have cool enough hair, you can still manage to get the “D” . . . and by D I mean “dragon lovin,” but also actual “D” from this guy . . .

daario

Thus proving it’s damn good to be a Khaleesi! Let’s review shall we?

[Special thanks to my pal Andre for the kickass screencaps you see here.]

Arya Goes to Black andWhite Castle . . . But Doesn’t Order Hamburgers

While on a boat with some old guy whose name I didn’t catch, Arya realizes she’s arrived at Braavos, after she rides through some giant man’s legs. Yes, I recognize it was just a statue. But my inner twelve year old girl can’t help but giggle at the “sexual awakening” metaphor of it all. Titan-of-Braavos

“He creeps me out,” Arya admits of the giant well-endowed man she’s just ridden inadvertently gotten to hard third base with.

“Naw, he’s just welcoming you to town,” says the old guy, whose clearly no virgin to hearty “welcomes” of this sort.

Old Guy drops Arya off at the House of Black and White, which looks a bit like the Lincoln Memorial, but with these funky art deco black and white doors added on to the front. lincoln emThe doors remind me a bit that store, White House, Black Market . . . which I don’t like to frequent, because the people who work there, always make me feel like I’m Julia Roberts’ character at the beginning of Pretty Woman before Richard Gere gives her all his shopping money. I mean, if I want to buy a black tank top, I can get it at Old Navy for $10 bucks without the added emotional abuse. Just saying . . . big mistake huge Anywhoo . . . Arya knocks on the white and black door, and this old grumpy, vaguely homeless looking, black guy answers. “Hmm, vaguely homeless looking guys usually like change,” Arya thinks to herself, pulling out her much-prized Valor Morghulis coin as an offering. standing by door with old guy

Unfortunately for Arya, old grumpy, vaguely homeless looking,black guy is sooo not having the Valor Morghulis coin. He’s kind of like the homeless guy, you give your spare change to on the subway, while feeling all generous, kindly and Mother Theresa-like, only to have him throw it back in your face, because he expected a dollar at least. Long story short, the dude unceremoniously slams the white and black art-deco door in Arya’s face, and she’s understandably pretty miffed about it. sword through eye Arya is so miffed, in fact, that she starts doing that name thing she does, where she lists all the people on the show she wants George R.R. Martin to murder in the book series. (Has no one thought to make this “name game” into a YouTube mix thingy yet? Because, they absolutely should.) What’s odd, and a little disappointing, is that the list is down to only three names, because half the people that were on this show in Season 1 have already croaked. gameovertoiletBigSo, basically, what we’ve learned from all this is that being on Arya’s List is pretty bad news for your longevity. So, if you are on there, you shouldn’t invest in anything long term. like green bananas. She’s pretty much the Anti-Santa Claus of Game of Thrones. If you are on Santa’s nice list you get a video game, or a bike on Christmas morning for your troubles. If you are on Arya’s list, you get a knife to your weiner while you are shitting on the john . . .

“You Can’t Sit with Us!”

If Game of Thrones was high school, Dark! Sansa would be the shy quiet freshman, who got a senior boyfriend (Littlefinger), and a makeover, causing her to morph into a popular girl / uber bitch, overnight. dark sansa the gifAt some random bar, Brienne and Podrick are thrilled to find Sansa casually drinking ale with Littlefinger, like she owns the place. Brienne quickly rushes to swear her fealty to the much prized daughter of the ill-fated Eddard and Catelyn Stark. “I’ve been traveling the world looking for you,” explains Brienne. “Let me and Pod be your minions. And we will gladly beat the sh*t out of anyone who tries to get the world to remember that you used to be a ginger.”

Brienne-Pod

“If me’ lady says the carpet matches the drapes, then the carpet matches the drapes, mmm-kay?”

“Seriously,” scoffs Littlefinger. “I know the fans of this show all love you, because you have this strange, reverse Beauty and the Beast, love-hate thing going with Jamie, but as a bodyguard? No offense, but you kind of suck. Remember that time when you vowed to protect Renly Baratheon, and he got murdered by a gust of smog? Or when you tried to protect Catelyn , and she got stabbed at her son’s wedding by these inbred ugly people?”

Game-of-Thrones-Catelyn-309 (1) RenlysDeathS2Ep5“All of this is true,” admits Brienne calmly. “But I still think I’d be better at protecting Sansa than you, a middle-aged, murderous pedophile, weirdly fixated on her mother.”

The Lady of Tarth then turns to look at Sansa, awaiting her final decision. “Yeah, I’m going to go with the middle-aged murderous pedophile, weirdly fixated on my mother,” Sansa replies. “I hope this doesn’t affect your vote for me for prom queen.” brienne breaks shitAt which point, Brienne hightails it out of the bar on her horse, freeing all of Littlefinger’s men’s horses in her wake. Podrick rides faithfully behind her . . . way behind her.

Good ole Pod may be a stud with the ladies, but he’s sure a lame mare, about to be sent to the glue factory, when it comes to riding horses . . . or fighting . . . or forming complete sentences with his mouth.

pod

Brienne, on the other hand, is a spectacular fighter, and quickly mortally dispatches of a number of Littlefinger’s Redshirts (steel shirts?) in a number of minutes. (If this was a modern-day show, a vaguely inspirational soundtrack would be playing in the background while she did this, Katy Perry’s Firework maybe, or perhaps, Megan Trainor’s “All About that Bass.”

brienne on a horse

“I’m going to leave them going, OW, OW, OW.”

All Hail, Jamie Fucking Lannister . . . and Bronn jamie lannisterWhen a thinly veiled threat to young Myrcella Baratheon safety comes to Cersei Lannister all the way from Sunny Dorne, via the head of a snake carrying one of Myrcella’s price pieces of jewelry in its teeth, Cersei is outraged. In response, Jamie vows to the sister he sometimes screws and spawns with that he will most certainly save his secret incest daughter / “niece” from certain harm, even if it means traveling to Dorne and retrieving her himself. hot jamOf course, there’s the teensy weensy problem of that whole “one arm” thing. It’s hard to kick ass and take names, when one is incapable of completing even the most essential tasks . . . like, for example, clapping. hand_applause Fortunately, Jamie has no intention of kicking ass and taking names alone. And so he seeks help from the same person Tyrion goes to when he is expected to kick ass and take names, despite, you know, being short, and stuff. It’s Bronn, of course. Jamie finds Bronn walking along the beach with a woman named Lollys, whose hand in marriage Cersei Lannister offered him as a thank you for his bravery in battle during a recent round of Game of Thrones. bronn and lady laaThat’s one of the shitty things about being a woman during Game of Thrones era, your hand in marriage could be issued as a prize for good game performance, like a stuffed bear in a carnival game. Other bad things about being a lady during the Game of Thrones era include the whole toilet situation, and never being able to wear jeans . . .

marg 3

“Jamie Fucking Lannister,” shouts out Bronn, upon seeing the Artist Formerly Known as Kingslayer (and really, when you think about it, Fucking is pretty much the most appropriately descriptive middle name for Jamie Lannister ever).

“Help me win back my secret incest daughter from Dorne, and I’ll let you marry someone way hotter and richer than Lollys . . . no offense Lollys,” Jamie proposes to Bronn.

Bronn agrees, because Dorne is pretty much the Cancun/ Cabo San Lucas of Game of Thrones. SPRING BREAK BABY! But also because Lollys = meh . . .

bronn and jam

Sorry Lollys, better luck next “Be the first to pop a balloon in a clown’s mouth using a water pistol, win a wife.”

There will be Sand Snakes

Much like Emily Thorne on Revenge, Ellaria Sand of Dorne, is very much ready to pull out her Red Sharpie, and draw a murderous circle and, eventually, an X, on everyone indirectly involved in the violent death of her deceased lover Oberon Martell, including young prepubescent Myrcella whose only involvement in Oberon’s death is that she happens to have a last name that rhymes with “Bannister.” vengeance

“We do not mutilate young girls in Dorne,” exclaims Oberon’s sensible older brother, Doran. “Nor do we own Red Sharpie Markers, very tacky. Writing in one’s own blood is so much classier and less expensive.”

that guy

“You must be at least this tall to ride this ride, and or suffer a brutal torture ending in decapitation.”

“Yeah, whatever. We’ll see about that,” replies Ellaria, who jets off in search of her daughter’s, the Sand Snakes,   in hopes that they will not share Doran’s uptight, old fashioned, views about the whole “mutilation of tweens” thing.

“The Best Part of Her for the Best Part of Me.”

Growing bored and restless from his interminable travels with Varys, Tyrion tries out some of his best comedic material on his bald and ball-less friend. “Did you know that Cersei has offered her hand in marriage to the first man that brings her back my head on a platter?” Tyrion begins gamely. “My head for her cunt. The best part of her, for the best part of me.”

tyrion

“People like you and me were never meant to be satisfied with life in a box,” Varys replies sagely.

“I don’t get it,” answers Tyrion, in frustration. “Does that mean you liked my joke, or you didn’t?” They keep riding, and nothing much else happens with them throughout the course of the hour.

mad-varI, for one, liked Tyrion’s head-for-cunt joke though!

Derek Zoolander Shireen Baratheon School for Kids Characters on the Show Who Can’t Read Good

In other non-essential to the plot news, Shireen Baratheon teaches Samwell’s new nagging sort-of wife Wildling to read, while the two girls casually gossip about greyscale, the disease that makes Shireen’s face look a little crumply on one side. learn to read good“I had a sister with Greyscale once,” offers Gilly conversationally. “My parents thought she was a monster, and threw in an outhouse, where she lived for three weeks, screaming like a monster until she ate herself alive.” Thus, proving that you can teach a Wildling to “read good,” but you can’t teach them tact . . .

What a Girl Wants . . .

too battle

Back near the Lincoln Memorial with Fancy Doors   White Castle that doesn’t sell hamburgers House of Black and White, Arya goes shopping for groceries and gets into a tussle with some hoodlums, who want to take her precious sword away. But before Arya can add these dickwads names to her Anti-Santa list, grumpy old homeless looking black man comes by, and scares them all away. Intrigued, Arya follows grumpy old homeless-looking black man back to White Castle.

“Why were those guys afraid of you?” Arya asks, “Is it just because you are old, grumpy, and homeless looking?”

“Nope,” replies grumpy old homeless-looking black man, who takes off his face to reveal his true identity, which is . . . SURPRISE Jaqen Hagar! jagensurprised-face“Cool! Teach me how to do that,” replies Arya. “A girl must become no one,” replies Jaqen cryptically.

“OK, but that doesn’t explain how I rip off my face and become a grumpy old homeless looking black guy,” Arya replies.

But she follows Jaqen into the House of Black and White, anyway . . . Hopefully, he shares Doran Martell’s philosophy about not mutilating young girls, otherwise Arya is SCREWEEEEEDDDD!

Jon Snow – Prom King For Change

president of night

Back on the Wall, Stannis offers to recognize Jon Snow as a true Stark, son of recently decapitated Eddard Stark, and heir to Winterfell, if the long curly-haired man is willing to leave his post on the wall, and fight on Stannis’ side in the battle for the Iron Throne. (You can do that? Legitimize the birth of someone you are not at all related to, just by saying so? In that case, I am proud to announce I’m actually the daughter of Warren Buffet. Now, give me my money.)

Stannis_Baratheon_in_Castle_Black_with_Jon_Snow

Jon Snow thanks Stannis, but feels a lifelong obligation to remain on the Wall, where he is popular and, more importantly, alive. After all, everyone knows that carrying a name like Stark means certain death, unless you are a woman, or a boring character nobody likes like Bran . . .

Later on that day, Jon Snow attends a meeting where the men on the wall vote the most popular among them to be Commander . . . basically it’s a popularity contest like prom queen, only without the ladies, and the goofy corsages. During the nominations portion of the meeting, two old guys nominate to other popular old guys for the position. Because, apparently, on the Wall, being old, is the high school prom king equivalent of being the quarterback of the football team, and dating the head cheerleader.

Then, Samwell Tarly surprises everyone and nominates Jon Snow. “My buddy may not be old, but he’s super attractive, and popular with the ladies,” Samwell offers. “Also, the last time we had a battle, he didn’t pussy out, and hide in an outhouse with the pregnant women and babies.”

like a wizard

Since none of the men on the Wall have attended Shireen Baratheon’s School for Characters Who Can’t Read Good, filling out ballots for Wall Prom King is out of the question. So, the members of the Wall vote for their prom king by putting blocks on the stick representing the candidate they think is the most popular.

on the block

In the end, there’s a tie between Jon Snow and one of the other old guys. “I’ll break the tie,” offers the blind guy, who is heading up the proceedings. He places the winning block on Jon Snow’s stick. But who knows if that’s what he actually wanted to do, or if he was just making an educated guess . . .

funny aemon

“Eeny meeny miney mo, catch a prom king by the phallus.”

Long story short, Jon Snow wins Prom King, and, in doing so, gives up the chance to (1) be referred to as Jon Stark, (2) possibly be murdered in a brutal and disturbing fashion, mere episodes after the name change. All Hail, Jon Snow. Sorry, old dudes. But hey, winning Mr. Congeniality is nothing to sneeze at either . . .

In which, Dany loses a head, and gets back a dragon.

While Jon Snow is winning his popularity contest, Dany screws hers up in a major way, by making a political blunder that is so misguided, it makes Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal look like a mere hiccup. It all starts when Daario and Greyworm find and arrest the dude that killed their balless friend last week.

the mask

Dany insists that the murderer receive a fair trial for his potential misdeeds. But then one of her young sycophants gets the grand idea to sneak into his jail cell and murder him, before he has a chance to do that. “I did it for you,” whines the sycophant, pathetically.

soon to be dead guy

Dany’s advisors warn her against behaving rashly in response to this direct disregard of her authority, which was probably committed as a way to get into the Khaleesi’s royal bloomers anyway. “Don’t make your father’s mistakes,” sagely remarks one of these advisors.

“You mean, by becoming a doddering nutjob who talks to himself, cross dresses, and burns people alive for fun?” Dany inquires.

realsies

“No, by inflicting your own morals on your people, and not ruling them in harmony with their own value systems,” corrects the wizened advisor. Dany reminds everyone she’s a teenager, who is allergic to taking good advice, when she publiclly orders the beheading the sycophant for flouting her authority, despite the Mereenites outcries that she offer him mercy.

head cut

“Is it too late for me to speak to my lawyer?”

Even the former slaver/ upper class Mereenites, who, you would think, would support Dany for being an equal opportunity beheader, don’t seem particularly impressed. Then the formerly enslaved Mereenites start doing this weird hissing thing, like fans at a basketball game attempting to distract the opposing team from scoring points.

hissing

At this point, I was very confused. Were they hissing at Dany? The former slaver Mereenites?   The beheaded sycophant? Dany’s sexy boyfriend Daario?

decree

“Nahhhh.”

Then, the former slaver Mereenites and formerly enslaved Mereenites start kicking one another’s ass, and it all becomes clear to me.  So, much for unifying the people of Mereen, Dany. Perhaps, you are better off sticking to what you are good at, conquering, and having your dragons blow up sh*t, and leave the actual ruling to someone else . . . for now, anyway. no mercy to youSpeaking of dragons, Dany’s favorite eldest scaly son stops by for a quick visit with mom, before heading back on his quest to burn down the world . . .

miss me lady

“I just wanted to come back, and tell you how much fun I’ve been having on my world travels . . . so much fun, in fact, that you are technically the Grandmother of Dragons, now.”

He’s like a college kid, popping home for a solid meal and clean laundry, before returning to campus for a kickass keggar, basically. But mother Dany doesn’t mind being used in the least. Instead, she takes comfort in the reminder that, even when the entire human world is giving her a big fat middle finger, she will always be the Mother of Dragons.

And that was “House of Black and White” in a nutshell. See ya next time, folks! little finger eye wag

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