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The Vampire Diaries’ Ripper Redux – Part III (Feeding the Monster Within . . .)

“Who’s next in line to GET IN MY BELLY?” 

“Is it YOU?”

Welcome back, my darling Ripper-aholics!  Thank you for joining us for Part III of The Ripper Redux Chronicles.  Last week on The Ripper Redux, we traveled to Present Day, Mystic Falls,  to observe the first underpinings of Modern Day Ripper Stefan.  This week, it’s back to 1864, where we will learn how Stefan and Damon spent their first few days as vampires . . .

“Dammit, Stefan!  I just had this couch cleaned!  Must you always eat in the living room!”

Ironically, it is during these Darkest Days, that Stefan began to build two tenuous links to his humanity, both of which were destined to chart his fate for the rest of eternity: (1) his own vampire brother, and (2) his tremendous capacity for LOOOOOOOOVE . . .

*clears throat*  Did it just get hot in here?

I’m referring, of course, to the same Ripper Stefan who devoured all but one of Elena’s ancestors for dinner . . .

The Last Gilbert Standing . . . (well, actually, he was pretty much laying down, at the time) 

 . . .  and snacked on a trio of Lusty Ladies of the Night for dessert.  Here was a vampire whose appetite for blood and lust knew no bounds.  It is this Ripper Stefan who we meet in the series of flashbacks shown in Season 2’s “The Dinner Party” . . .

“Could I, perhaps, trouble you for a bib?” 

(By the way, for those of you who missed the two previous installments of this series, worry not!  You can check them out by clicking the links below:

Part I: Click Here

Part II: Click Here 

Bon appetite!)

“I had to turn it off.  It was the only way I could survive . . .”

Setting the Scene: 

Judging you . . .

So much for a romantic getaway!  Tensions between Stefan and Elena reach their height, when Stefan learns that Elena’s “agreement” with Elijah involves her sacrificing her own life to the Original Badass, Klaus (who we later learn is Elijah’s brother).  Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do!  But, as it turns out, she isn’t the only one . . .

At the Gilbert cottage, Elena finds an old diary of her ancestor, Jonathan Gilbert.  In it, he details his 1864 run-ins with then-newbie vampire, Stefan Salvatore.  And some of the things that Jonathan has to say about Elena’s boyfriend aren’t particularly nice . . .

“Damn, that Jonathan Gilbert!  I should have decapitated that Diary-Writing Douchebag, when I had the chance!  Oh, wait . . . that means Elena would never have been born.  Doesn’t it?  Hmm . . . nevermind then.”

Let’s watch the clip, shall we?

(Click the internal link to view.)

Potent Quotables:

Present Day –

ELENA:  “He described you as a monster.”

STEFAN:  “That’s what I was . . . In the weeks after I became a vampire, I relished in it.  I took it to the darkest place I could.”

(And later . . .)

ELENA: “It sounds like you were Damon.”

STEFAN: “I was worse.”

STEFAN (voiceover): “I wasn’t myself then.  I was full of guilt, for what I did to my father, my brother.  I had to turn it off.  It was the only way that I could survive.”

Flashback –

STEFAN: “Damon, don’t be like this.  I’m just having fun.”

DAMON: “Staying ALIVE is more fun Stefan.  We have to be more careful than this, more clever . . . like Katherine was.”

STEFAN: “Look where that got her.”

DAMON: “I’m done here . . . with YOU.  I’m leaving town.”

STEFAN: “You hate me . . . I know . . . an eternity of misery and all that . . . I know . . . But you don’t have to leave town.  Damon, I’ll do better.  I promise.”

DAMON: “No, you will get us killed.  I’d rather leave you to do that to yourself.”

Why this scene is a key moment in Ripper Canon:

 Julie:  The TVD writers have done an extremely good job of taking what we THINK we know about Stefan’s blood lusty past, and repeatedly turning it on its head.  (They will do so again, in the Season Finale.)   In the last scene from “Blood Brothers,” we saw Ghost Emily tell Stefan that his TRUE CURSE would be his inherent good heartedness, and the way in which the pain and guilt of his sins would eat him up inside forever.  Based on Stefan’s facial expression following the exchange, we knew that Emily’s words had a definite effect on him.  However, the effect wasn’t exactly what you would expect . . .

“Screw YOU, Emily!” 

Also, in that episode, we saw Damon wash his hands of Stefan for the role the latter played in his at least-partially unwilling vampire transition.  The Elder Salvatore Brother vowed, right then and there, to make his little brother’s life miserable for all eternity.  The exchange suggested that Damon left town that evening, “turned off his emotions,” and immediately became the Bad Boy Vamp we know and love today . . .

In this scene, however, we learn that wasn’t the case.  Despite his anger at Stefan, Damon, apparently, still felt enough kinship with and brotherly responsibility toward Stefan to stay with him for a few more weeks.  But every relationship has its breaking point.  And THIS was Damon’s . . .

Amy:  Bloodaholic Stefan has the addict behaviors down pat here: the benders, the denial, the pleading when faced with consequences. In this brief flashback we see him slurping away at many a willing victim (“Me! I’m next!” those Civil War belles sure were slutty!) in what is basically a Blood Orgy of sorts.  His growling as he feeds, the girls moans, the seeming pleasure that hunter and prey are both getting off on are as close to S-E-X as TVD is allowed to get away with on the CW . . .

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

Julie:  Ummm . . . I’ll have what she’s having. 😉  Now that you mention it, New Vamp Stefan definitely seems a bit crazier, and more maniacal, than Seasoned Vamp Stefan.  (So much for “not wasting the blood,” and “not making a mess!”)  Having not yet sufficiently mastered the “talents” required to become the cold calculating killer we witnessed in “Miss Mystic Falls,” when Stefan chews on his Victorian Honeys, he seems more in need of a feeding trough and a roll of extra-absorbant paper towels, than anything else . . .

And yet, New Vamp Stefan does share a couple of traits with the Blood-Lusty Stefan of “Miss Mystic Falls”: namely, an enjoyment of killing, and a complete lack of concern for his human victims .  . .

Amy:   Enjoyment of killing, indeed!  Ripper Stefan is having a grand old time doing his Biting Thing, until Wet Blanket Big Bro Damon arrives to compel the Slutty Belles out of La Casa de Rich and Awesome 1.0, and smack some sense into him.

“Come on, Stefan!  We don’t even know whether or not vampires can get STD’s, yet!  Can you imagine having crabs for all eternity?” 

This is where Stefan becomes quite the Little Brother with his rationalizations (No worries about the Founding Families, he’s gonna kill them soon, anyway), whining (that line “Damon don’t be like this, I’m just having fun” is delivered in such a bratty tone), justifying his “weeks” of binging on willing ladies’ necks and putting the Salvatores at risk, by exposing the lie that they survived both human – and vampire deaths.

Source

Julie: Good point, Amy!  You know, it’s interesting that, in his voiceover, Stefan claims that “turning off his emotions” was his chosen method of coping with his guilt, during those Early Vampire Days.  And yet, just like in “Blood Brothers,” here we see Stefan, once again, become rather emotional, when the Elder Salvatore makes his SECOND threat to leave Stefan alone to his own devices.

Source

Stefan’s childlike entreaties for his brother to stay with him, (“I’ll do better.  I promise!”), stand in stark contrast, to his monstrous acts earlier in the episode.  Here is an individual who is DEATHLY afraid of being alone with himself, and his own powerfully devastating emotions.  Despite the fact that, during the act of killing, Stefan genuinely seems to be able to effectively turn off his humanity, it always seems to bite him in the ass, immediately after feeding . . . kind of like a bad hangover that just won’t go away.

“I have SUCH a headache.  I’m never drinking AGAIN, I swear!  I’m sticking to bunnies, from now on . . .” 

Amy:  When Damon lays down the law – that he is done with Stefan for good – that’s when the facade of not giving a sh*t and calling the downward spiral he’s on “fun” comes crashing down and Stefan is faced with what he couldn’t face the night he became a vampire: going on without his brother. The desperate tone his voice takes – the way he grasps at Damon as he stalks off – he’s pathetic really.  As Julie notes, he is terrified of being alone with himself and feeling all that he is so anxious to “turn off”. But he also needs Damon with him.

His “turning” of Damon into a vampire didn’t go quite as planned, with the “lifetime of eternal misery” and such.  But maybe he had hope since Damon stuck around that what he did to his brother could be forgiven – OR perhaps he imagined they would enjoy the kind of brutal partnership that we now know Klaus has planned for him . . .

Source

Julie: I’m glad you brought up the whole Klaus Connection.  I remember watching this episode for the first time, and being EXTREMELY disappointed with the whole “I Stopped Being Bad Stefan, Because Lexi Taught Me the True Meaning of Love” explanation.

Source

I just thought it was such a cop out, on the writers’ part.  I mean, here we were assuming that Stefan’s Bloodlust was something he battled with, on and off,  for 160+ -some odd years, and then this flashback comes along, which suggests it only lasted 160 some odd hours. 

Now, we see that Stefan DID, in fact, have a “drinking problem,” LONG AFTER meeting Lexi.  In fact, in “As I Lay Dying,” Klaus suggests that Ripper Stefan was alive and well, as recently as 1917.  This, of course, makes things a lot more interesting, as it potentially paves the way for us to see some still-darker flashbacks of Ripper Stefan in Season 3.  It also makes me wonder whether Stefan intentionally misled Elena about the extent of his dark past, in this episode . . .

Amy:  Heck yeah!  Bring on more Ripper Stefan!

The mirror of this scene is at least a dozen others we’ve seen in present day Mystic Falls – in which Damon acts cruel, flippant and ignorant to whatever pleas or demands Stefan is making of him.

To find out that at the beginning those roles were reversed adds yet another layer to the very complicated relationship and history of the Brothers Salvatore. Personally, I hope in S3 we explore more how Stefan thinks himself “worse” than Damon. Was that our first clue that he was less Lexi’s Reformed Vamp Buddy . . .

. . .  than he was the “ripper” of Klaus’ wingman fantasies?

Source

Julie:  I guess we will have to wait until September 15th to find out, won’t we?

“Damn you, CW!  DAMN YOU!”

HOWEVER . . . speaking of Stefan and Klaus, Part IV of this series tackles Stefan’s jaw-dropping degradation into his Ripper self, at the hands of the Original Were-Vamp, as seen in TVD’s EPIC Season 2 finale, “As I Lay Dying.”  You will be able to find THAT installment over at Amy’s spectacular Imaginary Men blog, sometime next week.

Until then, HAPPY FANGING!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever – (Now featuring Team Ripper-themed t-shirts!)]

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The Vampire Diaries’ Ripper Redux – Part II (a.k.a. Stefan’s “I’m Freaking HUNGRY!” Moment)

Greeting Fangbangers!  Those of you who have visited this blog before, know that I’m obsessed with a little episode of TVD called “Miss Mystic Falls;” and that I am, specifically, enamored with a certain Very Erotic Mating Dance that takes place during the hour .  . .

But what you might not know, is that I am equally obsessed with ANOTHER scene that takes place during the episode . . . one that is as dark and disturbing, as the above scene is romantic and enchanting.  And yet, in its own way, this second scene is arguably just as seductive . . .

In this week’s installment of The Ripper Redux, my brilliant (not to mention, hilarious) blogging pal, Amy (over at Imaginary Men) and I, have analyzed every tantalizing morsel of what is, arguably, one of Stefan’s most deliciously dark moments of The Vampire Diaries‘ groundbreaking first season.  You can read the post in its entirety, by clicking on the link below . . . IF YOU DARE!

The Vampire Diaries’ Ripper Redux – A look back at some of the most pivotal scenes in Ripper Stefan Canon (Part II)

(By the way, for those of you who missed Part I of this series, featuring Damon’s and Stefan’s going through “The Change,” worry not!  You can still check that out, right on this blog, by clicking HERE.)

So, what are we waiting for TVD fans?  Let’s see what Stefan’s got hiding underneath that Nice Guy Vampire Costume, he always seems to be wearing . . .

And be sure to stop back on THIS blog, next week, when Amy and I analyze Ripper Stefan’s notoriously evil flashback moments from Season 2’s “The Dinner Party.”

See you, then! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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The Vampire Diaries Cast at Eyecon Day 2 (a.k.a. My Day with Paul Wesley)

Hey, Fangbangers!  Greetings from Mystic Falls!

I am writing to you from Damon Salvatore’s bed . . .

Is that a bottle between your legs, or are you just happy to see me?

 . . . located in the heart of La Casa de Rich and Awesome!

OK . . . I’m actually in a hotel in Atlanta, attending The Vampire Diaries conference.  But that’s basically the same thing, right?

OK, maybe not . . .

So, yesterday afternoon, at the convention, I had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity get up close in personal with THIS GUY!

That’s right, ladies (and gentleman).  Paul Wesley, a.k.a. Stefan Salvatore, spent over an hour with a conference room filled with fans today, personally answering each and every one of their burning questions. 

Here are some of the highlights . . .

* When asked about whether he preferred his character’s sweet  and earnest dynamic with Elena over his intensely passionate dynamic with Katherine, Paul diplomatically stated that he enjoyed elements of both relationships.  And yet, he did seem just a teensy weensy bit partial to one over the other.  “I love the moments when [Stefan] gets to indulge and be a bit lustful.  There is definitely a mischievous side to Stefan, and Katherine brings that out in him.”

GO TEAM KEFAN!

* Speaking of Stefan’s mischievous side, when asked whether he ever wishes his character wasn’t so “earnest and broody,” Paul admitted that he did sometimes covet the opportunity to inject some of his natural humor and wit into the oh-so-serious Stefan Salvatore.  (If you’ve ever seen Paul interview, you know that he is  SERIOUSLY FUNNY guy!)  Fortunately, the writers have PROMISED Paul that Season 3, he will get his wish!  You know what that means, ladies!  DARK STEFAN is due for a comeback!

* Upon being asked which character he’d MOST like to play on The Vampire Diaries (aside from Stefan or Damon), Paul replied, Elena . . .

Just kidding!  But he did mention that he had a lot of interest in playing a werewolf.

“A few years back, I played a werewolf in another  television series [Wolf Lake].  I really enjoyed the whole concept, and the idea of undergoing that type of transformation.”

A still of Paul from Wolf Lake.  I am SO renting this DVD!

Of course, being a werewolf on The Vampire Diaries is not your typical were-gig . . .

Certain .  . . “assets” and “skill sets” are required.

We already KNOW Paul has the abs to play a werewolf on The Vampire Diaries

But . . .  is he “flexible” enough?

*Regarding his impressive ability to cry on screen (breaking fangirls hearts the world over) . . .

 . . . Paul said that Ian lays on the ground beneath him, and pinches his leg until he cries!

Of course, he was only kidding about that.  (See, what I mean?  VERY FUNNY!)  “The writing on this show is so incredibly good,” Paul responded.  “The story is so beautiful.  Here is a guy who spent years searching for something, and everything leads him to this one person.  Finally, he has found the woman of his dreams.  And now he may lose her . . . How can you not get involved in a tale like that, and . . . emote?” 

*Speaking of emoting, Paul’s favorite scene from Season 1 of The Vampire Diaries is the one that leads up to him and Elena having sex for the first time . . .

 . . .  a trait I suspect he shares with many Stelena fans.

“There was that moment,” Paul explained.  “When [Elena] sees what I am for the first time.  She touches my face and my veins.  This beautiful woman has accepted me for who I am.  It is a very intimate and beautiful moment, filled with symbolism,”

*Speaking of intimate moments . . .

 . . . one fan was curious to know who the lucky dog  is in that INFAMOUS paparazzi picture?

“It’s not my pitbull.  I was actually dog sitting.  The pitbull belongs to my good friend Benjamin McKenzie (a.k.a Ryan Atwood from The O.C.),”  Paul replied.

So, Ryan Atwood, and Stefan Salvatore are pals in real life?  BEST . . . BROMANCE . . . EVER!  Well . . . almost . . .

*In unrelated news, for those of you who were curious about Paul’s favorite scary movie?

It’s “The Shining.”

*Speaking of movies, I’m sure you are all dying to know whether Paul is Team Edward or Team Jacob?

“I can’t decide, and I hate it!” Paul insists.  (So much for that!)

*Paul may not be able to come to a decision on the infamous Twilight question.  However, he has had a major revelation, regarding his decision to FINALLY join Twitter. 

 “I really enjoy it,” he admitted proudly.  “Riffing with my castmates, and teasing them, we get a chance to show another side of herself.”

For those of you who ARE following Paul on Twitter, be on the lookout for a playlist of his favorite songs.  Because, according to Paul.  It’s coming soon to a Twitter feed near you!

*Regarding his castmates, Paul had THIS to say about Daniel Gillies, who plays Elijah . . .

“I literally adore Daniel!”  He exclaims.  “Elijah brings such an interesting dynamic to the show.  He’s kind of Arnold Schwartzenager in The Terminator . . .”

“He’s this hard-ass killing machine, but that little boy touches his heart .  . . I hope we get to see that Little Boy Moment with Elijah someday.”  (In other words, fangbangers, as for Elijah . . . “He’ll be BACK!”)

*As for Matt Davis (a.k.a. Alaric Saltzman) . . .

“We have a good time together.  He makes fun of me.  I make fun of him,” Paul recalled fondly

*And Ian?

“He’s my brother!  He’s my boy!  I love him.”  He said, getting a bit (fake) teary, as he expressed his adoration for the Elder Salvatore.

Ahhhh, yes, Ian Somerhalder, the Man . . . the Myth . . . the Legend.  I will be seeing HIM today in just a few short hours.  Am I excited?  You BET I AM!

I’m not entirely sure how things are going to go.  But, I suspect it will turn out a bit like this . . .

A girl can dream, right?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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“Stronger, Meaner . . . SEXY!” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Premiere “The Return”

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

                                            –– lyrics from Elton John’s oh-so-apropos-to-this-episode song, “The Bitch is Back”

*      *       *       *

“But you’re different.  Stronger, meaner . . . SEXY!”

These iconic words were uttered by Katherine at around the halfway point of The Vampire Diaries Season Premiere episode, “The Return.”  And, while they were certainly accurate, regarding the person to whom they refer [Stefan], if this episode is any indication, I would extend the comment to the ENTIRE Second Season of The Vampire Diaries.  After all, “The Return” was ALL of those adjectives, rolled into one deliciously bloody package.  STRONGER . . .

MEANER . . .

and most definitely SEXY!

But before I begin recapping this AMAZING episode, perhaps we should get some “academic” stuff out of the way, first.  If you are a “fangbanger” (i.e. LOVER of all things VAMPIRE) like I am, you probably already know that this genre comes with RULES.  And each vampire story — be it a television show, or a movie, or a book — tweaks those rules a little bit, to meet its needs.   Here are some examples:

Rule:  All vampires must act suspiciously Mormon . . .

Rule:  All vampires must act definitively NOT Mormon!

Understanding the vampire RULES of a particular story is important because it will help you understand the story itself.  It also might help you to predict what comes next.  And being able to predict what comes next, makes you SMART.  Kind of like THIS GUY . . .

The Vampire Diaries’ RULES were of particular importance to this episode  – perhaps, more so than any episode of the show that has aired so far.  So, without further adieu.  Here are our RULES:

1) The Ugly Ass Ring of (sort of) Immortality

For whatever reason, The Vampire Diaries has put much emphasis on this . . . the ugliest ring I have EVER SEEN!  This is the kind of ring that, if a kid found it in his cereal box, it would probably make him cry . . .

In fact, I’m convinced that the reason that people tend not to DIE when they are wearing this ring, is that they wouldn’t want to be caught DEAD IN IT!  (Sorry, Papa Gilbert!)  Ugly Ass Ring protects the wearer from death by any supernatural being, regardless of whether the death itself contained within it any sort of supernatural element.  So, for example, Ugly Ass Ring would protect you from Damon, and his penchant for breaking people’s necks . . .

. . . or HUNGRY Stefan, and his tendency toward the Accidental Draining of Humans . . .

. . . or Katherine and her love of (staking, hand chopping, pillow smothering, strangling, carotid artery devouring, etc.)

But, it would not protect you from drowning (again, sorry Papa Gilbert!) or from Useless Aunt Jenna BORING you to death . . .

(Note:  Ugly Ass Ring is not to be confused with “Sunscreen Ring,” which Damon, Stefan, Katherine, and seemingly EVERY vampire on the show wears to enable them to walk in the sun.  Clearly, there was a HUGE sale on Sunscreen Rings back at Vamp-Mart!  Ugly Ass Rings, however, are exceedingly rare.)

2) The Healing Powers of Vampire Blood

If ingested prior to, or shortly after injury, Vampire Blood can heal you, or, possibly, SAVE YOUR LIFE!

But it only lasts about 24 hours.  After that, you get hurt?  Get dead?  YOU’RE SCREWED!

3) Turning into a vampire . . .

If you’ve ingested vampire blood, and then DIE the same day — OR you ingest vampire blood at or near the time of your death — you WILL become a vampire.  Once that happens, you have THREE DAYS to feed on human blood, or you will die . . . for good, this time.

So, now that we’ve all got our RULES down, LET’S START THE SHOW!

“911.  What’s your emergency?”

Season 2 picks up literally right where Season 1 ended.  However, it replays the events from a slightly different perspective, so that fans can fill in the gaps of what actually went on here.  Again, we see Damon kiss Katherine, thinking she’s Elena . . .

. . . which is interrupted by LAME and Useless Aunt Jenna’s arrival.   She also INVITES Katherine inside!  (MORON!)  Useless Aunt Jenna then conveniently leaves to “talk to the fire chief,” or something else random like that.  Katherine explains this to Uncle / Father / Whatever John Gilbert, before CHOPPING HIS FINGERS OFF AND STAKING HIM IN THE TUMMY!

That’s ONE way to dispose of the Ugly Ass Ring . . .

Cut to Elena chatting with Stefan about how her “stuff” got stolen (by Katherine).  She wants Stefan to pick her up at the house and take her to the hospital to check on Caroline.  But when Elena enters the house she finds THIS . . .

Elena attempts to staunch John’s bleeding, while calling for an ambulance.  However, she SHOULD be calling for THIS GIRL, instead . . .

 John whispers something to Elena.  She can’t hear him, so she asks him to repeat himself.  “BEHIND YOU!”  He repeats, echoing what fans have been yelling at their television screens during the ENTIRE 911 call!

Elena then rushes up to Jeremy’s bedroom and finds him, as Season 1 left him, OD’ed on pills, passed out, and with a smidgeon of Vampire Anna’s blood in his system.  (IS HE DEAD?  HAS HE TURNED VAMP?) 

Elena screams his name a few times, and shakes him.  At first he is unresponsive.  However, after what seemed like WAY TOO LONG, he awakens, gasping loudly for air.

Cue the title card, which I am told is NEW, but looks more or less the same to me.  (I think they just added a blood drip, and took the old flower away.)

The CW Graphics Department:  Changing the way you view The Vampire Diaries . . . one missing flower at a time . . .

“You mean, I’m NOT a vampire?  Damn!”

Stefan arrives just as Uncle / Father / Whatever John is being carted off into the ambulance.  Elena rushes to Stefan telling him what SHE thinks happened — that one of the Tomb Vampires (a.k.a. Hidey Hole Vamps) followed her home, and staked Uncle / Father / Whatever for sh&ts and giggles.  Elena then takes Stefan into Jeremy’s room, where Stefan does some sort of creepy Jedi Mind Trick on him, to make sure he’s not a vampire.  (Why not just check his pulse?)  “He’s fine,” Dr. Stefan confirms.

“You mean, I’m not a vampire?  Damn!”  Jeremy pouts, reminding us just how young the character actually is. (And, in the process, making all fans over the age of 20, feel just a little dirty for lusting after him, in his new tan and floppy hairdo).

Elena can’t understand, for the LIFE of her, why ANYONE would want to be undead, and she tells Jeremy as much . . . RIGHT IN FRONT OF STEFAN.  (Ummm . . . yeah . . . way to be a supportive girlfriend, Fangbanger!)

Apparently, Elena only likes SPECIFIC portions of “vampire” inside of her . . .

Dr. Stefan explains to Jeremy that he didn’t take enough pills to off himself (SUICIDE FAIL!).  The “Kinder Gentler Vamp” then slaps Jeremy around a bit for talking back to Mommy and not eating his peas at dinner to convince him not to attempt SUICIDE THE SEQUEL.  Sure, Anna’s blood saved Jeremy’s life once.  But after a few hours, it will be gone from his system.  And next time, he might not be so lucky.  Mommy and Daddy Stefan and Elena ultimately decide to GROUND Jeremy.  Then, Elena heads off to the hospital alone, to check on Caroline.

“Does this mean I won’t get Christmas presents from Santa?”

“You’ve GOT to be KIDDING ME!”

“Ex-Girlfriend-Look-Alike-Who-I-REALLY-Want-to-Bang say WHAT?”

Back at the hospital, Matt and Bonnie are waiting outside Caroline’s room comforting one another . . .

 . . . while a surprisingly sensitive Damon comforts Caroline’s mom . . .

Which one is the cougar?

Then Elena comes, and Matt and Caroline’s mom inexplicably disappear (as both are wont to do, whenever anything good happens on this show).  Damon taunts Bonnie a bit about her inability to cure Caroline through witchiness.  He suggests that HE can heal Caroline by feeding her.  “The blood will be out of her system in a day,” explained Damon, nonchalantly.  (There go those RULES again .  . .)

Elena is skeptical about the whole thing, but Bonnie agrees with Damon.

 Then, Damon asks Bonnie if they can have “a TRUCE” and Bonnie says, “No!”

(Saying no to Damon?  That girl’s got some CAJONES!  Clearly, she’s never seen him do the Eye Thing . . .)

 Speaking of the Eye Thing, after Bonnie leaves, Damon lays a strong heaping helping of the stuff on Elena.  His fingers deftly grabbing hold of her tiny wrist, Damon propositions Elena to talk about “The Kiss that Made the Whole World Drool.”

“Listen, I know this is a bad time to discuss this, but I really think we should talk about what happened last night on the porch.”

(Oh, Damon.  You kissed a girl, and you actually want to TALK about it?  Boy, you ARE SMITTEN!  You are so DEEP in SMIT, it is not even funny. — Special thanks to Amy, for the “Deep in Smit” line ;)).

Elena, who of course, has NO CLUE what Damon is talking about, blows him off. 

“I know you want to forget about it, but I CAN’T!”  Damon stage whispers.

(Tsk, tsk . . . he’s like a needy pre-teen girlfriend.  Poor Damon!)

But just when we are about to have fun, Useless Aunt Jenna arrives, to spoil things again . . .

It’s Dr. Feel Bored!

Elena asks Jenna where she’s been.  When Jenna starts explaining how she SPOKE to Elena earlier (about her lame fire department errand), and Elena looks dumbfounded, Damon finally puts two and two together.  “You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!”  He exclaims, as the realization that he has just been Katherine-d, reaches his  skull . . .

“At least I fooled ONE of you . . .”

Stefan is at the Gilbert home babysitting Jeremy, when “Elena” returns (but WE know it’s actually Katherine, because she’s got big curly “F*ck Me” hair, and wears A LOT of eye makeup).

Stefan asks “Elena” about how Caroline is doing.  She says, “Not good,” and pulls him in for a hug.  Suddenly Stefan is TOTALLY vamped out, and has pushed Katherine against the wall.  (Unlike his brother, Stefan KNOWS his Straight Hair from his F*ck Me Hair!)

“Elena’s rollers don’t make curls that big.  And I would know, because I have borrowed them on MANY occasions . . .”

But the older, stronger, Katherine eventually gets the best of Stefan, and flips him to the ground like a WWF wrestler, disappearing just as Damon and Elena arrive back at the house.

Where do I know this facial expression from?

Yep!  That’s the one!

“What happened?”  A still clueless Elena inquires.

“Katherine happened,” explains Damon.

“If Katherine wants you dead, there is ZERO you can do about it!”

After heading upstairs to explain everything that is going on to Jeremy, Elena returns to the living room for the First Salvatore Summit of Season 2!

This small scene had some of the BEST quotes in the WHOLE episode!  So, please forgive me, if this section reads more like a script, than a recap.

“Katherine was in the house.  That means she’s been invited in by my Useless Aunt Jenna.  What do we do?”  Elena asks, nervously.

“MOVE preferably to mine and Stefan’s La Casa de Rich and Awesome,”  Damon snarks.  “Listen, if Katherine wants you dead you will be dead.  And there’s zero you can do about it.  But you’re NOT dead.  So, clearly, she has other plans.”

“Actually, Elena, I just stopped by to see if you would give me dance lessons.  And to ask whether you would mind terribly, if I ruined your ENTIRE life.”

But Stefan’s not really thinking about Homeland Security, right now.  He’s more concerned with GIRLFRIEND security.  Stefan wants to know what Katherine meant when she said, “At least I fooled one of you.”

Damon very proudly admits to falling for Katherine’s evil Elena Faking tricks, if only to lay this gem on his little brother.  “Just to prevent any more frown lines from forming on your very crowded forehead.  We kissed.”

“HEY!  I DO NOT HAVE WRINKLES!  I engage in a thorough cleansing and moisturing regimen on my face EVERY NIGHT, using six different creams . . .”

But, just in case, Stefan was unclear as to what Damon meant, Damon willingly elaborated.  “Two lips pucker and they .  . . (makes kissy noises).”

Now THOSE are lips MADE for kissing!

Stefan vampire lunges at Damon, but Elena stops the brawl, by explaining that SHE would NEVER kiss Damon.  (Nevermind, that she ALMOST kissed him, about 6 times last season . . .)

DENIAL, ain’t just a river in Egypt, Elena!

Once all the COCK fighting is done . . .

 . . . the next item on the agenda is figuring out what Katherine WANTS.

“She’s Katherine.   She loves to play games,” offers Damon. 

His proffered solution?  “Ignore the bitch . . .  then, we’ll stake her .  . . rip her head off . . . something poetic . . .”

(Ummmm .  . . and what kind of effed up POETRY is that, Damon?)

Elena’s and Stefan’s idea is a bit more cogent.   They figure, since Katherine tried to KILL Uncle / Father / Whatever John, he must know her motive.   So, off AGAIN to the hospital they go.

There, we learn that (1) Caroline’s alive (at least, for now); and

 . . . she has BAD taste in television.

I guess it would be too “meta” for her to watch The Vampire Diaries.

“I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

“Uncle John, your lipstick is a bit smudged.  Mind if I fix it for you?”

Once Uncle John is done freaking out at the sight of his own biological daughter, who he THINKS is Katherine, Elena returns his Ugly Ass Ring, to what looks like his re-attached fingers?  Perhaps, Elena neatly packed them in brown doggie bag, before carting John off in the ambulance?  (She can be very maternal that way.)  Otherwise, I’m not quite sure how they got back . . .

“Look MA!  No hands!”

Uncle John, who’s basically IGNORED Elena her whole life (not to mention, LEFT her with USELESS AUNT JENNA!), suddenly decides he’s Father of the Year, and, therefore, deserves a say in his daughter’s life.  He starts talking smack on Stefan.  “Kill me, or get out!  Because I can’t stand the sight of you with MY daughter!”  He grandstands, looking SUPER manly, in his wimpy plastic hospital gown.

But Elena isn’t having ANY of it.    “You see the world with such hatred.  It is going to get you killed,” she seethes, before storming out and leaving her Bio Dad alone with an angry vampire.

That’s when Stefan does this . . .

“Tastes like chicken.”

After forcing a nice heaping portion of Type Vampire Blood down Uncle John’s throat, Stefan explains that if John doesn’t leave town within 24 hours (There’s that RULE again.), “I will turn you into a vampire, and watch you hate yourself more than you already do.”

(Sidenote:  It’s interesting to see this New Stefan, who has learned, since last season, to dole out his rage in a more controlled and effective manner.  No more munching on pageant princesses, when the hunger gets to be too much.  Also, Stefan’s comment to Uncle John about self-loathing, is a bit ironic — seeing as how, last season, Stefan was the most self-loathing vampire ON THE PLANET.  He used to believe that part of himself made him a monster.  Now he sees that he can use it to protect those he loves and get what he wants.  This scene is a perfect example of that.)

When Stefan admitted to Elena what he did, I expected her to be pissed and judgy.  But she was CLEARLY turned on by the whole thing . . .

“I’m totally undressing you with my eyes now, Stefan.”

Aren’t we all, Elena.  Aren’t we all . . .

“We haven’t officially met.  I’m Katherine.”

Meanwhile, the ENTIRE rest of the town seems to be at the Mayor’s mansion for the former Mayor Lockwood’s pre-funeral party(?), post-funeral party(?) . . . Whatever, it was, most of the guests were dressed more like they were going to hoedown,then to the home of a once prominent community figure.  Particularly, THIS GUY . . .

 . . . Mason Lockwood, who has many times been referred to as the “black sheep” of the Lockwood family, because he . . . likes surfing . . .

So, it was surprising to see this “black sheep” dressed in ALL WHITE.  Seriously, his outfit looked like the pajamas they make patients wear in mental hospitals.  (Note to Taylor Kinney’s wardrobe designer:  Was NOT a fan of Mason’s duds.  HOWEVER, I do have some pictoral suggestions, as to how you can remedy this problem.  Wanna see?)

Now, isn’t that much better?

At the mansion, Bonnie and Damon are busy engaging in Witty Eventually-We-Will-Screw Repartee.

“So, Bonnie, do you generally prefer to be on top, or on bottom?”

Damon taunts Bonnie, bragging about how he saved Caroline’s life.  This was the same life that Bonnie had put at risk, by handing over to Uncle John the Supernatural Dog Whistle thing that made Were Tyler swerve off the road, tossing Caroline’s body, rag doll style from the car.  Bonnie doesn’t like hearing the truth about herself.  So, she uses her witchy powers to shoot a large slushie in Damon’s mouth . . .

“At least she didn’t throw it in my face, like the do to all those Glee kids!”

 . . . giving him a massive case of BRAIN FREEZE!

At the exact same time, KATHERINE is entering the mansion, because TYLER invited her in, thinking she was Elena.  Bonnie also thinks she’s Elena.  So, she starts whining to the vamp about Damon, in such a way that you just KNOW she already has the hots for him.  “He just makes me sooooo UGGHHHH!”  She gripes.  (How many times have we heard THAT line in teen shows?  “UGHHHHHH” clearly = horny)

Bonnie also conveniently explains to Katherine how Caroline has Damon’s vamp blood in her system for a few more hours.  (Important later.)  But when Bonnie touches Katherine, her spidey sense tells her , “That’s one EVIL Bitch!”

“That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out.”

Bonnie’s suspicions are confirmed when she calls Elena on her cell phone, while Katherine is still in her line of sight, and Elena answers.  Bonnie tries to escape, but it’s too late.  “We haven’t met yet.   I’m Katherine,” says the vampire politely, before shoving Bonnie up against a wall and choking her.

Bonnie once again uses her inner Slushie to temporarily gain control, but Katherine regains it easily.  Finally, Bonnie is forced to spell the doors open, exposing Katherine to the rest of Mystic Falls.  And so, she is forced to behave.  How boring.  Fortunately, Stefan has arrived, to make things interesting for her (and us . . .)

“Wanna play with me?”

After drooling a bit over Elena’s ex and Caroline’s current Guy Friday, Matt  (“UGHHHHH . . . His eyes are SO BLUE!”  She coos.  See what I mean about the UGGHHHHH?), Katherine takes Stefan outside for a little chat.  “You wanna play with me,” she asks flirtatiously.

“How do I play, if I don’t know the rules?”  He inquires.

“No rules, Stefan,” she replies.

After being told he’s stronger, meaner, and sexy, the obviously aroused, Stefan (Can you blame him?  These two are HOT together, with a capital “OT”!), finally remembers he has a girlfriend.  “Don’t flirt with me, Katherine.  I’m not Damon.  I haven’t been pining over you for 145 years.”

“Based on your current choice of girlfriends, I’d say differently,” Katherine demurs (TOUCHE!)

Throughout the whole scene, the two characters are up in one another’s grills so much, you can almost see the steam rising from their bodies.  Katherine explains that she came back for Stefan — that it was always Stefan, and that it hurts that he has fallen for someone else.    Stefan assures her that he never loved her, that everything they had together was as a result of her compulsion on him, and that she is a “lying, selfish, manipulative bitch,” who he hates. (Gee Stefan, why don’t you tell us how you REALLY feel?)

“Hate, huh?   The way I see it, that’s the beginning of a love story, not the end,” posits Katherine, before calmly staking Stefan in the stomach with a poker.

Who knew the phrase “love hurts” could be taken so literally?

“Doppelganger hijinks ensued.”

“A Broody Damon is a Sexy Damon.  Heck, ANY Damon is a Sexy Damon!”

While Team Kefan fans are drooling over the Katherine / Stefan drama OUTSIDE, Team Delena fans are waiting hopefully for their favorite couple to return to their happy place, INSIDE.  Elena approaches Damon all concerned, and shrinky, wanting to “talk about his feelings.”   (Oh sure!  NOW she wants to talk . . .)  Back to being a typical dude, Damon claims he’s just fine.  “Doppelganger hijinks ensued,” and he lived to tell the tale.  (Give this man an “I SURVIVED Doppelganger Hijinks” t-shirt, please.)

But, not knowing when to give up, Elena keeps pushing Damon to open up, claiming that he is “hurt,” and in trying to deny that hurt will do something stupid.  (Gee, foreshadow, much?)

Knowing she’s right, Damon changes the subject to one he’s more interested in, “The Kiss.”  Clearly, all this time, some part of Damon (and some part of US fans) believed that, if Elena was on the porch with Damon that night, SHE would have kissed him too.  And its THAT thought, that keeps Damon going during what has already been a difficult episode for him.  And it’s about to get much worse.  “Why are you so surprised I would kiss you?”  Damon inquires probingly.

“I’m not surprised you kissed me.  I’m surprised you thought I would kiss you back,” responds Elena, without tone or emotion.

Massive hole in Damon’s heart #1

“Now, I’m hurt,” said Damon, sorrowfully, as the fans’ hearts collectively ache right along with his . . .

“I’d fight me!”

After skewering Damon’s most vital organ (at least, aside from his YOU-KNOW-WHAT), Elena heads outside to find Stefan hunched over, and nursing his own puncture wound.  Dr. Stefan, Nurse Elena is now reporting for duty!

Damon arrives outside, just in time to see Elena helping Stefan lift up his shirt, revealing those INSANE abdominals of his.  “Cover up, Fabio!  There’s a crazy ex on the loose!”  Damon needles.

“Hey, Fabio’s got NOTHING on ME!”

“Hey, was STEFAN ever in an “I Can’t Believe it’s NOT Butter,” commercial?   I don’t think so!”

Knowing the start of a Classic Pissing Contest when she sees one, Elena scampers away, and let’s the two “manly men,” duke it out over her LOVE (or lack thereof).  Damon gets in Stefan’s face and taunts him, desperately looking for a fight.

“Come ON!  Fight me!  I’d fight me!”  Damon taunts, shadow boxing like the adorable ten-year old he is deep down.

But Stefan is NO ten year old.  He’s not even a real 18 year old.  Stefan is 162.  And somewhere within the past year, he became “mature.” 

Maturity sucks!  I want to see a fight!

And yet, as much as I was disappointed that Damon and Stefan weren’t going to have a repeat of their classic Pilot Episode throwdown, I was PROUD of Stefan for FINALLY, after an entire season, being able to see the humanity in Damon.  “You kissed [Elena] because you feel something for her.   You care.  It means you are WILLING to feel something.”

Yep, Damon feels something all right . . .

But all joking aside, this was a very Sweet Salvatore Brother moment.  It was a moment when two brothers put aside their differences, and agreed to battle a common enemy, an enemy intent on tearing them apart.  You go BOYS!  (Plus, I’m sure they’ll fight over Elena at some point this season.  So, we haven’t totally missed out. . . . After all, good things come to those who wait.)

Speaking of fights . . . how did you LIKE Tyler tackling his MOM?

It takes a REAL man to fight a Mommy!

Mason explains to Tyler that his untenable rage is a result of the “Curse of Lockwood.”  (a.k.a. Were-curse)  And yet, you know what curse, I think Tyler has?  Curse of the Douchebag, that’s what!

Also on the NOT-Fighting list were Jeremy and Uncle / Father / Whatever John, who engaged in a rationale mature conversation about the merits of vampires (Jeremy was PRO, Uncle John, obviously, CON), whether Papa Gilbert was a vampire lover, the responsibility that comes with knowing supernatural secrets, and why the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality didn’t save Jeremy’s Pop’s from death (See RULES above . . .).  On first watch, this seemed like a throwaway scene — seeing as Uncle John was skipping town, anyway.  However, I’ve come to view this little scene as one of the most important ones in the episode.  More on that later.

“Kiss me or kill me, which one will it be?”

I know, I know!  Damon never FULLY took his shirt off in THIS, the HOTTEST scene in TVD history.  But I really like this picture.  So, I decided to use it.  You got a problem with that? 🙂

After having what seemed to me like the crappiest day EVER (heart broken, brain frozen, no one to wrestle with), Damon arrives back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome to find Katherine sitting on his couch, in front of the Perpetually Burning Fire (of Damon’s heart).  The two banter back and forth a bit, testing eachother’s boundaries.  Katherine claims she’s leaving.  (LIE!)  Damon calls Katherine old. (BURN!)  Etcetera, etcetera, so on and so forth . . .

Until, Katherine utters her iconic line.  “Kiss me, or kill me, which one will it be?”

That’s when things get REALLY interesting . . .

At first, it seemed as though Damon would get the battle he was looking for.  Him and Katherine rolled on the floor together for bit, snarling and scratching eachother, testing eachothers’ ability to withstand pain.  But the more they clawed, the hotter they both became.  Suddenly, Damon was straddling Katherine, and kissing her neck and her lips.  And . . . yes . . . I do believe dry humping was involved.  Katherine closed her eyes in ecstacy.  “See?  That’s better,” she whispered, lustfully.

(See what you’re missing, Elena.  I gather STEFAN doesn’t go for rough sex!)

Then Katherine rises from the floor, and the two start fighting again.  Katherine pushes Damon against the wall.  She rips open his shirt.  He rips open hers.   And . . . . we are back to making out and dry humping . . . For a few moments, it REALLY looks like we are going to get an honest to goodness sex scene on the CW.  But then, to everyone’s MASSIVE disappointment, Damon, ever the glutton for punishment, requests a “brief pause.”

“WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH  . . . YOU?!”

Poor Damon!  Well into his mid 160’s and STILL equating sex with love!  Silly boy!  Katherine is a Trick, and Trix are FOR KIDS!  A very emotional Damon tells Katherine that he will be willing to forget her basically screwing him over for  century and a half, if she just answers ONE question.  And, of course, we ALL know what that question will be . . . )

(LIE, KATHERINE!  LIE LIKE THE WIND — SO YOU CAN GET LAID . . .  and WE can WATCH!)

But Katherine DOESN’T lie.  She tells Damon that she NEVER loved him.  And that it was ALWAYS Stefan that owned her black heart.

The utter pain on Damon’s face in this moment, was enough to literally bring tears to my eyes.  I’m guessing brain freeze sounds like a good alternative to what you are feeling right now, huh Damon?

Massive holes in Damon’s hear #’s 2 through 145. 

“He got his wish.  I hate him!”

With all Damon endured during this episode, was it any wonder he turned toward the bottle?  Wouldn’t YOU?  At the Gilbert house, in Elena’s bedroom, Elena initially tried to comfort Damon, and stop him from being self-destructive.  She’s seen this train wreck coming ALL episode long, ever since Katherine re-entered their lives.  And yet, up until the last moment, she is still trying to avoid it.  Damon calls Elena a liar, for denying her feelings for him (which may very well be true.  But, of coruse, he is going about it ALL WRONG).

Then, in a move filled with heartbreak and desperation, Damon grabs Elena’s face and pulls it in for kiss, struggling with her as she tries to pull away.  The scene functions as a perfect contrast to the slow, sultry and gentle kiss that occurred between Damon and Faux-lena in the Season 1 Finale. 

Now, I’m Team Delena ALWAYS, so I was REALLY looking for something to get me hot in this kiss.  But, admittedly, there was very little.  Damon was too broken and too drunk to really work his mojo with Elena, and melt her heart the way we all KNOW he can.   This was Face Rape . . . plain and simple.  “I care about you.  I do.  I care about you,” Elena admits tearfully.  “But I love Stefan.  It has always been Stefan.”

(And, thus, we bear witness to the SECOND time in the episode, during which someone explicitly chooses Stefan over Damon.)

But this last one causes Damon to break, totally and completely.  After years of pushing aside his emotions, he finally let them win.  He fell in love . . .twice.  And all he got for it was heartbreak and pain.  He wants to turn off his feelings — the Great Vampire Myth, never truly realized.  He wants Elena to hurt the way he hurts.  But how?

And then it happens.  When Jeremy comes into the room, to see what all the commotion is about, we SEE Damon drunkenly rationalizing his next move, in that blurred head of his.  Others may dispute me, but I TRULY believe I saw him eye Jeremy’s hands, which were folded protectively across his chest.  Not just his hands.  His FINGERS. 

Then, Damon grabs Jeremy by the neck.  “You wanna be a vampire?”  He yells in the face of a petrified Jeremy.  “You wanna know what it’s like to turn your feelings off?  It’s really simple.  All you have to do is flip the switch and. . . SNAP,” concludes Damon, twisting Jeremy’s neck in one sharp turn, just as he did to Vicki the previous season.

Damon staggers backward, as Jeremy drops to the floor. Elena rushes to him, holding his hand to feel for a pulse.  Damon looks on sadly for a few moments, before leaving Elena alone to mourn.  (See?  If he REALLY thought Jeremy was dead, I DOUBT he’d be able to leave that calmly — especially in the highly emotional state he was in.)

Alone, a crying Elena looks at Jeremy’s fingers and sees the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality, which, Uncle John must have given him prior to his departure from Mystic Falls.  Jeremy will live, it seems.  Now, Elena will just have to wait for him to wake up.  And then Stefan magically appears . . .

“I’m serious.  I have no clue when or how he got there.”

While Elena cradles Jeremy in her arms, waiting for him to reawaken, Stefan comforts Elena.  He tries to explain to her that Damon MUST have known that Jeremy was wearing the Ring, or else he couldn’t possibly have done that.  “He didn’t see the ring,” Elena argues tearfully, perfectly illuminating how, in the course of a single episode, these two have completely swapped positions, with respect to Damon’s humanity.  “He doesn’t want to feel anymore.  He wants to be hated.  Well, he got his wish.  I hate him, Stefan.”

Then, suddenly, Jeremy, gasps awake, just as he did early in the episode.  “Damon killed me,” he remarks dumbfoundedly. 

Well . . . technically .  . . yes.  But did he, REALLY?

“Game ON!”

Back at the hospital, Caroline is busy sleeping off a Jersey Shore-induced hangover, when Katherine enters her room.  “Elena?  What are you doing here?”  She asks groggily, seeming more than a bit annoyed at her “friend’s” unwelcome intrustion.

“My name is Katherine.  And I have a message for the Salvatore Brothers . . . GAME ON,”  She says evilly, as she smothers Caroline with her pillow.

There is a brief struggle, and then Caroline falls silent, her head lolling lifelessly onto her shoulder, her face pale and DEAD . . . or VAMPIRIC?  Remember the RULES, boys and girls.  Has it been 24-hours since Damon healed Caroline?  We already know that Bonnie TOLD Katherine about the healing . . .  so the knowledge is definitely there.

  Sure, a dead body belonging to the friend of the woman they both loved would send a message to Stefan and Damon.  But you know what would send a BIGGER message?  Having to BABYSIT a brand new vampire for ALL ETERNITY!  We all remember how much trouble Vicki was .  . . don’t we?

Sweet dreams, fellow Fangbangers! 😉

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries – 10 Ways to Prepare for “The Return” on September 9th

Do you adore this new promotional poster for Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries as much as I do?  If so, you are going to LOVE THIS ONE!

Labor Day Weekend is just days away.  And you all know what that means  . . . summer is almost over.

But it ALSO means that the fall television viewing season is about to begin!  And would anyone like to guess what the FIRST show to RETURN will be?  I’ll give you a hint . . .

It’s The Vampire Diaries!  And it’s coming back to the CW on Thursday, September 9th, which is only ONE WEEK AWAY!

And yet, when hot shirtless vampires are involved, a week can seem like a REALLY LONG TIME!  That is why I have devised this fool proof ten-step plan to get you through the last Salvatore-less week of YOUR LIVES (at least until the next hiatus).  So, without further adieu, here are ten things you can do to tide yourself over, while you are waiting to watch the season premiere of The Vampire Diaries.

1) Rewatch ALL of Season 1!

Not only does today mark the final week before Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries premieres, it also marks the day that the Season 1 DVD was released in stores and online.  What better way to refresh your memory on old TVD episodes than to watch them in the comfort of your OWN home, on your OWN time schedule.  In addition to all 22 original episodes, the DVD also features: deleted scenes from the show, creator and director commentary, a gag reel, a webisode series, and much more!  You can purchase it here.

Low on funds right now, and not quite ready to shell out the “big bucks” for the Season 1 DVD?  Fear not!  You can find a fairly comprehensive (if I do say so myself ;)) recap of the Season 1 Finale, by clicking here

2) Watch Season 2 Promos (and then watch them again .  . . and again . . . and again)

In anticipation of the upcoming second season of The Vampire Diaries, the CW has been releasing titillating trailers for the series, throughout the summer.  You can probably find ALL of the trailers, by doing a quick YouTube search under “The Vampire Diaries Season 2 Promo.”  However, I’m going to post the three most popular ones, right here, for you to enjoy.  The first trailer, of course, belongs to my favorite character on the show, DAMON SALVATORE!

Watch him be deliciously DAMON-Y, to the tune of OneRepublic’s “Everybody Loves Me.”

This next trailer was the second one released in the series.  And it definitely wins the award for SEXIEST TRAILER EVER!  The song featured in the trailer is “Cosmic Love” by Florence and the Machine.

But, if I had to choose a favorite trailer, it would have to be the this next one, because IT features BRAND NEW SCENES FROM THE SEASON PREMIERE!

For a more in-depth look at THIS trailer, click here.

3) Rock out to music from the show!

Nothing gets you in the MOOD for a show about sexy vampires, like the music you were listening to when you first met them.  CW shows are known for their amazing soundtracks.  And The Vampire Diaries is no exception.  Featuring a host of songs from  a”Who’s Who in Contemporary Artists” including Katy Perry, The All-American Rejects, Placebo, The Fray, White Lies, OneRepublic, and TONS more, The Vampire Diaries soundtrack has a little something for everybody. 

The official soundtrack for the show is slated to be released in October 2010.  However, you can check out the track listing here.

“But WAIT,” you say.  “How am I supposed to PREPARE for the season premiere by listening to a soundtrack that ISN’T EVEN OUT YET?”

Good point .  . .

Fortunately, I found this AWESOME website that lists EVERY SINGLE SONG featured in The Vampire Diaries (organized by the episodes in which they aired).  This website also offers you links to download the songs (and accompanying music videos) from iTunes and other popular music download sites.  Ready to rock out to some fangy tunes?  Just click here, and get ready to do some serious dancing!

4) Follow the stars and creators of The Vampire Diaries on Twitter.

These days, it seems like EVERYBODY (except me) has a Twitter account.  And the cast and crew of The Vampire Diaries are no exception.  And while I don’t actually “tweet” myself, I still like to visit the Twitter pages of the stars of my favorite shows on a fairly regular basis.  Why?  Not only is it a great way to get to know the real people behind the characters you love, it’s also a FABULOUS way to get the inside scoop on your favorite shows, from the people working on the front lines.  Sometimes, they even post set pictures and script pages there! 

Here are the Twitter pages for MOST of the stars of The Vampire Diaries.  (Paul Wesley doesn’t have one. 😦 )

For Ian Somerhalder (Damon Salvatore)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Nina Dobrev (Elena Gilbert)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Steven R. McQueen (Jeremy Gilbert)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Michael Trevino (Tyler Lockwood)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Candice Accola (Caroline Forbes)’s Twitter page, click here.

For Katerina Graham (Bonnie Bennett)’s Twitter page, click here.

For show creator  / writer Kevin Williamson’s Twitter page, click here.

And for show creator / writer Julie Plec’s Twitter page, click here.

5) Watch cast and crew interviews on YouTube.

If reading a star’s Twitter page helps you get to know what he is like as a person, watching that star interview helps you get to know what he is like as an actor, and how he develops his respective roles.  The cast and crew of The Vampire Diaries interview like CRAZY!  And folks on YouTube POST these interviews online like crazy.  A quick YouTube search of “[insert TVD actor’s name] interview” is sure to find you more content than you could ever watch in a lifetime.

But, just in case you AREN’T a vampire, are NOT immortal, and, therefore, have limited time to watch interviews, I have taken the liberty of posting a few for you here.  For example, here is a fun one featuring Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec discussing how they came about casting Nina Dobrev, as Elena, and Ian Somerhalder, as Damon.  (There is some GREAT audition footage of both actors in here as well).

Here’s a nice interview with Paul Wesley  . . .

 . . . and here’s one with Nina Dobrev . . .

 . . . and here’s one with Ian Somerhalder . . .

But, of course, the ULTIMATE TVD cast interviews would have to come from Comic Con 2010. . .

For THOSE interviews, and more information on THAT event, click here.

6) Watch video of the cast of The Vampire Diaries from BEFORE they were vampires . . .

Believe it or not, Ian, Nina and Paul weren’t ALWAYS on The Vampire Diaries

 In fact, they each already had pretty extensive acting resumes, by the time the show aired.  Sometimes, watching stars in some of their earlier work, can be as much fun as looking at your friends’ embarrassing baby pictures.  For this reason, I would like to introduce you to two non-TVD videos for each of the show’s main stars.

Check out Paul Wesley’s brief career as an angel in the short-lived ABC Family series’ Fallen (and watch him converse with a talking dog).

Angelic, Dog Whisperer, Paul Wesley, not your thing?  Perhaps, you’d prefer him evil, shirtless and doing pullups, his guest starring role as the nefarious Lucas on Smallville.

Before Nina Dobrev was Vampire Katherine, or even Elena Gilbert, she starred in a Nickelodeon version of High School Musical, entitled American Mall.

Watch her sing, dance (and act a little) here.

But even before American Mall, Nina got her start as Teen Baby Mama, Mia Jones on Degrassi: The Next Generation.

Watch her cope with a possessed high school pal, in this “very special” Halloween episode of the show.

And then, there’s Ian (sigh)!

Here’s a guy who could make even INCEST sexy.  And he DID, as Boone Carlyle, on Lost.  (OK, Boone and Shannon, weren’t blood-related.  But still!)

OK.  So, most of you probably already knew that Ian Somerhalder played Boone on Lost.  However, many of you may not have known that he also played Hamilton on the ill-fated Dawson’s Creek spinoff, Young Americans — a guy who fell in love with a girl, who he THOUGHT was a guy (even though his character wasn’t supposed to be gay  . . . weird).

7) Ogle Photos and Gifts of Your Favorite TVD stars!

One of the great things about being a television recapper, is that you manage to amass a FABULOUS collection of stills, photographs, and animated GIFS of actors and actresses from your favorite programs.  For your viewing pleasure, here are just a few of my favorite TVD photos and GIFS:

8 ) Get to know the NEW TVD characters (and the actors who play them) BEFORE the season starts.

By now, you are probably pretty familiar with the characters of The Vampire Diaries and the actors who play them.  However, this season, the writers will introduce at least TWO more characters (and actors) into the mix, with whom you might not be so familiar.  The first is, Mason Lockwood, Tyler Lockwood’s uncle, a fellow werewolf, and the black sheep of the Lockwood family.  He will be played by actor, Taylor Kinney.  You can hear what Taylor has to say about his new role, in his interview with TV Guide, here.

Another new character that will be introduced during Season 2 of TVD is Vanessa, a Duke University graduate student, with supernatural origins.  (She’s a “blue devil” — whatever THAT means.)  Vanessa will be played by actress, Courtney Ford

A bit more information on Courtney and her character can be found here.

9) Read the novels on which The Vampire Diaries are (loosely) based.

As you may or may not know, the idea for The Vampire Diaries television show was derived from the characters in a series of four books written by author, L.J. Smith — the first of which came out as early as 1991!  Those books were entitled:  The Awakening, The Struggle, The Fury, and Dark Reunion, respectively.  Although you will notice quite a few differences between those books and the CW series (the LEAST of which being that “Book Elena” is a blonde), the former are still interesting and intriguing in their own right, and, therefore, worth a read by TVD fans.

The books are sold in groups of two.  The first two, The Awakening and The Struggle, can be purchased here.

The second two, The Fury and Dark Reunion, can be purchased here.

As a result of the success of The Vampire Diaries series, L.J. Smith decided to add a new trilogy to The Vampire Diaries Series, nearly two decades after the first book was written.  The books in The Return series are entitled Nightfall, Shadow Souls, and Midnight,respectively.  The first two are already available in bookstores and online.  The third is said to be available some time in 2011. 

You can purchase the not particularly popular, Nightfall, here,  and the slightly better reviewed, Shadow Souls, here.

In addition to the aforementioned books, L.J. Smith has recently joined forces with show creators, Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec, to produce a prequel trilogy, based on the SHOW itself.  The first of those three books, which have been collectively entitled Stefan’s Diaries, will be available sometime in November 2010.  Howevver, it is available for preorder (but, so far, only in E-book format) here.

10) Purchase FABULOUS TVD-themed swag online!

Have money burning a hole in your wallet, and nothing to spend it on?  Or, perhaps, you have a birthday coming up in the near future, and could think of nothing you would want more than a little TVD magic to take home with you, and enjoy during the show’s off hours.  Fortunately, the internet is FILLED with fabulous Vampire Diaries -themed swag.  From t-shirts, to calendars, to book marks, to posters, to coasters  – if you can dream it up, it probably exists.  While a quick internet search of “Vampire Diaries Merchandise” is likely to find you more than enough swag from which to choose, I’ve decided to post a few of my favorite TVD items here, just for you.

For example, check out this AWESOME WWDD t-shirt.  (It stands for “What Would Damon Do?” of course!)

You can purchase this lovely article of clothing here.

This funky vintage tee can be found at the WB store website, along with other choice merchandise

.And finally, since you ALREADY count out the days of your life, based on when The Vampire Diaries airs (Don’t deny it!  I know you do!), why not do it with a Vampire Diaries’ CALENDAR!

So, there you have it, 10 ways to pass the time, while waiting for Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries to begin.  Happy fangirling (or fanboying?)!

(As if it bears repeating, The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 premiere episode, “The Return” airs September 9th at 8 p.m.  However, thanks to this post, we now have plenty of things to do to keep us busy until that time . . .  See you then!)

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

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The Vampire Diaries Bites into Comic Con 2010! (a.k.a. The post where I totally geek out over The Vampire Diaries)

Paul Wesley, Nina Dobrev, and Ian Somerhalder signing autographs at Comic Con 2010!

Yesterday, July 24th, at 4:15 P.M. PST, the cast of The Vampire Diaries literally took Comic Con 2010 by its teeth (fangs?), during a 45-minute panel session.  This kickass panel included:

 (1) a insightful Q&A session with the shows stars, producers, and writers;

(2) a “sizzle reel” featuring the hottest moments from the show’s first season;

 (3) a blooper reel, where the cast discovers the wonders of “gonorrhea” and Nina Dobrev falls on her bum in a fancy dress; and

 (4) EXCLUSIVE scenes from the show’s Season 2 premiere, entitled “The Return,” which is set to air on the CW on Thursday, September 9th at 8 p.m.

Nina Dobrev writes “Team Katherine” on Ian Somerhalder’s hand.  OMG!  These two are SO doing it!

AGAIN . . . I wasn’t there.

HOWEVER, thanks to a little help from my friends, most notably the ALWAYS AWESOME Amy over at imaginarymen (who seriously deserves an award for Fangirl Sleuthing Excellence), I’ve managed to gather quite a bit of fabulous intel about the event, including video clips and pictures galore! 

 But first:  THE SWAG!  To promote the upcoming season, the CW offered attendees of The Vampire Diaries panel, THIS:

How cool is that?  Honestly, I would cut off the fingers on my right hand to get that bag  (I’m a lefty, of course.)

On second thought  . . . maybe not . . . Eww! 

 (Please, don’t take me up on that offer, Vampire Katherine.)

As if that bag wasn’t enough, patrons at the hotel where the conference was taking place, arrived at their respective rooms to find THIS on their door . . .

Adorable . . . but a bit misleading.  Imagine getting a knock at your door, and THINKING it’s going to be the enchanting Ian Somerhalder, only to find out that its ACTUALLY a 300-pound maid named Rosa, bringing those extra towels you asked for.  That would seriously BITE!  (No pun intended).

Misleading or not, the door knocker provides some handy tips on how to view a sneak peek at The Vampire Diaries gag reel, which will be featured on the show’s Season 1 DVD.  That DVD won’t be released on August 31, 2010, but it’s available now for pre-order.  Fortunately, YOU don’t have to go through the trouble of going to the website and entering the code provided, because I have the video for you RIGHT HERE!

As for the ACTUAL panel event, it featured all of our favorite TVD stars!  In attendance at Comic Con were . . . wait . . . Why would I TELL you, when I can SHOW you!

Unfortuately, they haven’t posted the entire panel session in its entirety on YouTube yet.  However, you can catch a good ten minutes of it here and get a nice play-by-play, courtesy of the folks from E! Online and Give Me My Remote, here.

But just in case you DON’T have that kind of time on your hands, feel free to just sit back and watch my FAVORITE part of the panel, namely, where Ian Somerhalder talks about his FAVORITE Damon Salvatore Scene (which, also, just so happens to be mine . . .)

And just in case you FORGOT what that scene LOOKED LIKE . . .

You’re welcome!

Then, when it was all over, fans were treated to exclusive clips from the Season 2 premiere episode, “The Return.”  Notable scenes from the clip reel included . . .

[SPOILER ALERT, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW . . .]

(1) Vampire Katherine girlfighting with Witch Bonnie;

(2) Damon telling Stefan that he kissed Elena (complete with kissing noises to demonstrate how it all went down);

(3) Vampire Katherine making out with Damon and then telling him that SHE NEVER LOVED HIM; 

(4) Vampire Katherine telling Stefan she came back FOR HIM;

(5) Stefan telling Vampire Katherine he HATES HER; and

(6) Vampire Katherine staking Stefan in the stomach. 

Can you say, AWESOME!

Unfortunately, Amy and I were only able to find one video of this clip reel on YouTube.  And this one is maddeningly “Shaky Cam”-tastic.  For a second there, I thought I was watching Blair Witch Project or Paranormal Activity.  But hey, it’s better than nothing, right?

If all this talk about Comic- Con 2010 hasn’t quenched your thirst for The Vampire Diaries,  fear not, because there’s going to be a BOOK (well, a magazine)!  As it turns out, this week’s issue of TV Guide is honoring the event with FOUR exclusive covers, featuring FOUR different “Comic Con”-ed shows, one of which is . . .  wait for it . . . THE VAMPIRE DIARIES!

In addition to the super hot cover, and some sexy photos of the cast (like THIS one) . . .

 . . . the magazine will also feature a “Family Tree,” illustrating the various and complicated relationships between all of The Vampire Diaries’ characters.

Pick THIS up at your local grocery store, ASAP!  (I know I will . . .)

Did I mention that BOTH Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev are EXPERT Tweeters?

Get info on the show straight from their SEXY mouths (or . . . SEXY computers . . . whatever) on Twitter.com.  Click here for Ian, and here for Nina.

That’s all I’ve got for now, but before I leave you, please accept my parting gifts . . .

See you September 9th!

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Dead Girls Who Text, Underage Sex, Kind of Perplexed – A First Look at ABC Family’s “Pretty Little Liars”

Yesterday, I wrote a blog entry about the television shows I planned on watching this summer.  My awesome blogging buddy Amy, over at Imaginary Men, suggested I add to my roster ABC Family’s latest attempt at undermining its reputation for being the “Good Little Christian Cable Channel.”  The show, entitled Pretty Little Liars, is based on a young adult novel series of the same name, which was written by Sara Shepard, and produced by Alloy Entertainment (a.k.a. the folks responsible for the Gossip Girl series).

And, boy am I glad I did!  This show is a snarky recapper’s DREAM!

But before I get started with my official recap, let me take a moment to discuss some of the casting decisions for this show . . . particularly the casting of its adults.  Now, on most teen shows, “adults” aren’t generally given all that much to do.  Rather, their limited screen time tends to fall into one of two categories.  There is the: “I’m a sweet, but bland, parent with no discernable personality, who has absolutely no clue about what my kid does everyday” type; and the “I am a raging a-hole parent, with no redeeming qualities, who is totally intent on screwing up my kid’s life” type.  Based on what I’ve seen from the pilot, this show is no exception.

Surprisingly, however, some of the “adults” on this show, were given an impressive amount of speaking lines in the pilot.  And I’m thinking that this anomaly probably can be attributed to who they are.  Ready to feel REALLY OLD, fellow 90’s era TV watchers?  Try this on for size . . .

One of the character’s moms is played by Holly Marie Combs.  You might remember her as Piper, the “smart sensible sister” on the television series Charmed, who also happened to be a bonafide witch.

Her husband on the show is played by Chad Lowe, brother of THIS GUY . . .

(Sorry Rob!  We know you are supposed to be all “respectable” now.  But some of us still remember your sex tape scandal . . .)

As for Chad himself, a few of you might remember him as “Jesse” a.k.a. “the loner kid with the earring, from Life Goes On, who just so happened to have AIDS.”

But more of you probably remember him as the former Mr. Hilary Swank.

This time, let’s try to say NO to drugs, Chad!

Next up is Laura Leighton, who you might recall playing “that crazy slutty b&tch Sydney” from the OLD Melrose Place . . .

 . . . OR “that crazy slutty middle-aged DEAD b&tch” from the NEW (and recently cancelled) Melrose Place.

Oh, and even though she doesn’t technically play a “parent,” I would be remiss not to mention Torrey Devitto, who plays one of the Pretty Little Liars’ obnoxious significantly older sister.  Torrey is perhaps best known for playing Crazy Nanny Carrie on One Tree Hill.

This was the storyline that made me stop watching One Tree Hill.  It was THAT BAD!

She is also the lucky chica rumored to be engaged to THIS GUY . . .

That’s right boys and girls, Crazy Nanny Carrie and Vampire Stefan apparently do the nasty together, on a regular basis.  It’s a good thing vampires can’t have kids, because otherwise, he would DEFINITELY have to hide HIS from her!

Anyway, now that I’ve written virtually an ENTIRE blog entry on the supporting cast of this show, perhaps its time I get on with the actual recap.  So, here goes . . .

It was a DARK and STORMY night!

Bet you thought the above-referenced tired cliche went out of style during your grandma’s time.  NOT SO!  Because that is exactly the setting for our opening scene, which takes place in an old dirty barn, that probably smells like horse poop, in a small town in Pennsylvania, one year ago.  This is where we meet the girls for the first time. 

First up is Aria (Lucy Hale), who we KNOW is supposed to be the “loner bad girl” because she wears black and has (gasp) a pink stripe in her hair.  Then there’s Spencer (Troian Bellisario), who is obviously the “smart girl,” because she wears argyle sweaters.  Third, is Emily (Shay Mitchell), a.k.a the jock.  She’s gotta be the jock, right?   Because what other high school girl would wear SNEAKERS to a dirty barn party!  Finally, there is Hanna (Ashley Benson), who we instantly realize is the “fat dorky girl who is about to become thin and popular” because she wears . . . wait for it . . . baggy t-shirts and hoodies.

The girls are chatting away when they hear A NOISE!

But when they go to investigate, it ends up only being the soon-to-be-dead, Alli (Sasha Pieterse).  At least initially, Alli is provided with very few defining qualities, aside from being kind of mean.  She also has a habit of saying weirdly foreshadowing things that no human being would ever actually utter in real conversation.  Here’s an example: “It’s important to share secrets.  It keeps us close.”  

Yeah, whatever, girlfriend!  Your days are numbered . . .

Later that night, the girls are asleep on the dung covered barn floor (still in their dress clothes and shoes, of course — too poor to buy PJs and slippers, I guess?), when one of them wakes up and realizes that two of them are missing: soon-to-be-dead Alli, and “smart” Spencer.  Spencer comes back, looking really creepy, and says that Alli is GONE! 

And no one suspected this Spencer chick of any wrongdoing, why, exactly?  Oh, that’s right .  . . “smart girls” who wear argyle CAN’T POSSIBLY be killers . . . How foolish of me to forget.

Sex in a Fetid Public Bathroom is HOT!  (But doing it with your teacher is not . . .)

One year later, “bad girl” Aria is back from a year long stint in Iceland . . .  And she’s DIFFERENT!  Apparently, her year in Europe scared that pink stripe right out of her hair.  And now, she doesn’t wear BLACK anymore.  She wears PURPLE!  Clearly, this is a changed woman . . . 

Based on a stilted and awkward “we needed to include this scene, in order to give you information” chat she has with her mother, we also learn that Aria and the other girls drifted apart after the “Alli Incident.”

Speaking of “chats,” when Aria leaves the house, she has a creepy conversation with her dad about promising to keep his “secret.”  And if this wasn’t ABC Family, I’d be really worried about the implications of that awful-sounding statement.  But it is ABC Family . . .  so I’m not terribly concerned.

After dropping her little brother off at Lacrosse practice, Aria heads to a local bar to pick up a cheeseburger.  While there, she meets Ezra (Ian Harding), a recent college grad who just got a teaching job in town.  Ezra has bland, goofy good looks, bad hair, and an ineffectual, almost effeminate, quality about him.  He also “woos” Aria with cheesy lines like, “If you write for yourself, it’s true passion.” 

In short, Ezra is Hugh Grant in every movie he has EVER been in . . .  except Bridget Jones’ Diary.

Not wanting Ezra to know she is jailbait, Aria, without exactly lying, subtly allows Ezra to believe that she is in college.  After chatting for about a minute, these two start boning in a nasty unisex bathroom, right there in the bar.

Way to stay classy, former Goth Girl!

Wouldn’t you have loved to see the exchange that led to this?  Here’s how I think it probably went:

Ezra:  “Hey .  . . I hear the bathroom here is INSANELY CLEAN.  Wanna check it out?”

Aria:  “Actually, I don’t really have to pee.”

Ezra:  (Tries to wink, but can’t, and ends up looking like he is having a seizure.) “Neither do I.”

The next day at school, in a scene that surprised precisely NO ONE, we learn that Ezra is Mr. Fitz (Could the dude HAVE a geekier name?), Aria’s English teacher.  “Brilliant” college grad that he is, Mr. Fitz responds to this revelation by saying “Oh Crap!” 

He does so loudly, and in front of the entire class.  Clearly, this guy WANTS to be arrested for statutory rape.  As if being called out for boning the English teacher wasn’t enough, Aria’s phone rings loudly to inform her she has text message.  (Ever heard of the “vibrate” function, Aria?”)  This is the message she receives . . .

So much for her dad’s “Big Secret.”  Aria instantly suspects the “A” who sent the message is Dead Alli.  (Hmmmmmm, how much do you think texting minutes cost in Heaven?  Because, I’m willing to bet they aren’t cheap . . .)  Through a flashback, we learn that Aria and Alli were running away from a dorky girl at school named Mona, when they came across Aria’s dad making out with one of his young students in his car. 

Speaking of making out with your students, Aria approaches Ezra and tells him she still wants to be his permanent f*ck buddy.  Statutory rape regulations BE DAMNED!  Ezra responds by making this speech about what an amazing girl she is, and how much she means to him.  (Am I missing something?  Because from what I saw, all these two did was make out in a bathroom.  We’re not exactly talking Romeo and Juliet here . . .) 

 Anyway, despite his “undying love” for the youngun, Ezra breaks it off with Aria.  Ever the idealist, Mr. Fitz truly believes that one day he will find an 18-year old, someone who, unlike Aria, he can screw in the potty, without fear of repercussion.  Aria is crushed . . . especially since she probably caught a bad case of hepatitus from that toilet seat . . .

Aw Man!  My Mom Never Screwed a Cop for Me!

Next up on this “Where Are They Now?  Dead Alli Reunion Special” is Hanna, who we find shopping (or rather shoplifting) at the mall with fellow former dork, Mona.  We know that Hanna is thin and popular now, because she wears tight tops, and “mean girl” music plays virtually every time she is on screen.  After flirting with the customer service guy, Hanna quickly exits the mall with an expensive pair of sunglasses she totally didn’t pay for. 

Later, while Hanna and her mom are eating dinner alone together. (Daddy apparently skipped town, probably after watching Mommy “act” in the New Melrose Place.  Can you really blame him?)  Their discussion is interrupted by a visit from the Shoplifting Police. (Oh I’m serious!)  They are here to arrest Hanna for taking those darn sunglasses.

At the police station, while Hanna’s mom is trying to talk her daughter out of trouble, Hanna, like Aria, receives a “mysterious” phone message from the “mysterious A.”

Very clever A!  But I was kind of hoping for a “don’t drop the soap” joke  . . .

Finally, Hanna and her mom are allowed to leave the police station.  While in the car, Bad Mommy tells Hanna how important it is not to do anything to jeopardize her newfound popularity.  She instructs Hanna to deny the shoplifting allegations. 

Later at home, while Hanna is watching TV and eating ice cream, Bad Mommy stumbles in, making out with none other than the Chief of the Shoplifting Police!  The two start going at it, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HANNA!  To make matters worse, Bad Mommy, looks RIGHT AT Hanna, while she is making out with Sheriff D-bag, just before taking him upstairs to bone him.  EWWWWW! 

So, it looks like Laura Leighton will be playing a Crazy Slutty B*tch on this show.  Thank goodness, she doesn’t have to worry about being typecast.

Les-be Friends!

Someone new is moving into Dead Alli’s house.  Apparently, that family is Amish, and doesn’t watch television.  Otherwise, I hope they bought the place dirt cheap.  After all, unsolved disappearance/ murder locations are not exactly top sellers in the real estate market.  When Jock Emily brings a “welcome basket” over to the new neighbors, she meets Maya (Bianca Lawson), a girl around Emily’s age. 

Maya is obviously supposed to be a teenager.  However she looks, talks, and acts, like the star of a gay porno loosely based on that old 70’s movie, Jackie Brown . . .

Everything Maya says to Emily is followed by an exaggerated wink and suggestive nod.  Her dialogue is laced with a series of bad puns and sexual innunedos that would make Samantha from Sex and the City proud.  Here are some of my favorites:

“Oh, I bet your a great swimmer.  You TOTALLY have the body for it.”

“I just really want to get to KNOW you better.”

“I’m corrupting you!”

“Is this your first time?”

Maya conveniently has a picture of her “boyfriend back home” in her bedroom.  But the dude has “beard” written all over him.  They don’t actually show the guy’s face, but I bet if you zoom in, you will find out that it’s someone like THIS GUY . . .

I’m talking about the openly gay Kurt from Glee, in case you missed it . . .

While walking home from school one day, Maya and Emily decide to make out.  Later, at school, Emily gets a letter in her locker from A, who, apparently, blew all her Heaven cell phone minutes, and now needs to resort to more inexpensive methods of communication . . .

My Sister’s Creeper . . .

Back in Uptight Over-Achieving Land, Spencer is basking in the glory of her new cottage, which she decorated herself and plans to move into during her junior year.  Unfortunately for Spencer, Crazy Nanny Carrie her older sister has other plans.  Her and her fiance are waiting for their own place in the city to be finished.  Meanwhile, THEY will be moving into the cottage. 

Crazy Nanny Carrie Spencer’s sister can really care less about what this does to Spencer.  However, her boyfriend, Wren (Julian Morris), is more sympathetic.  We know these two are going to connect, instantly, because they both  share a love of argyle.  It’s a match made in Heaven!  Too bad Crazy Nanny Carrie Big Sis is in the way . . .

If Ezra is Hugh Grant from every movie OTHER THAN Bridget Jones Diary, Wren is Hugh Grant FROM Bridget Jones Diary.

In fact, Ezra and Wren look SO MUCH alike, I almost couldn’t tell them apart.  While his fiance is away, Charming and Cute, But Super Sleazy Wren hits on Spencer shamelessly.  My favorite exchange between them is when they are both in their swimwear, and Spencer pulls out the oldest guy-getting trick in the book, by faking a sudden neck injury.  

Fortunately, Shirtless Ezra has come to the RESCUE!  After all, he is a future med student.  And EVERYBODY knows that sexy pornographic massages are the first thing you learn how to do in medical school . . .

Later, Spencer is up in her room “fantasizing” about Wren, when she gets an e-mail from the highly prolific “A.”

In a flashback, we learn that this isn’t the first time Spencer has made a play for one of her sister’s men.  She also apparently got down and dirty with Crazy Nanny Carrie’s (See, I didn’t even bother crossing it out this time.) last boyfriend, who, interestingly enough, bore a striking resemblance to both Ezra and Wren. 

OK . . . now this is getting weird .  . . Is there some sort of unwritten rule in this town that EVERY guy who lives there HAS to look like a young Hugh Grant?

The Body, The “Jenna Thing,” and the Return of the Shoplifting Police

Toward the end of the pilot, Alli’s body is magically found.  Horrified and frightened, the girls admit to one another, that they have each received messages from A, the Most Chatty Dead Girl Ever!  Later, at Alli’s funeral, the four former friends sit together at the front of the church.  They share looks of horror when JENNA– star of the mysterious “Jenna Thing” the foursome have been ominously referring to throughout the hour — arrives to attend the funeral.

Apparently, Jenna is blind.  How did she become that way?  Did the girls do something to bring about her blindness?  Did she simply watch too many episodes of the New (now cancelled) Melrose Place?  Here’s hoping they don’t cancel this show, before we can find out . . .

After the ceremony, the girls are confronted by none other than the Chief of the Shoplifting Police!  I was about to remark that it is highly inappropriate to discuss contraband designer sunglasses at a FUNERAL.  However, apparently, that wasn’t the reason for the Chief’s visit.  

It seems that when Chiefy is not making out with slutty mommies, or taking teens to the slammer, for failing to pay for chewing gum at the local 7-Eleven, he likes to solve murders!  And he plans on solving Alli’s murder!  Be afraid, girls!  Be very afraid!

So, what did you all think of Pretty Little Liars?  Did anyone actually watch it, besides me?  If so, are you planning to watch it again?  Or was this just a one night stand?

(Pretty Little Liars airs Tuesdays at 8pm on ABC Family.)

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