Tag Archives: Skate

Hot Summer Nights – The TV Sex-y Awards!

Well, summer’s definitely here, folks!  It’s almost 90 degrees outside, where I’m from.  And I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty hot and bothered.   So I figured, what better way to beat the heat OUTSIDE, than to steam things up INSIDE, where at least an air conditioner, and a few systematically placed ice cubes, can cool you off?

A few days ago, my blogging buddy, Amy, over at Imaginary Men, hosted something she lovingly referred to as the TV Boyfriend Olympics.  During said “Olympics,” Amy and a “distinguished panel of judges” voted on the best television scenes, featuring the TV stars we LOVED to watch get together and almost get together.  The sheer awesomeness of her post, and the undeniable guilty pleasure I had “judging” the scenes, gave me an idea . . .

So, this morning, while many of you were probably out on the beach, working on your tans, I was INSIDE, culling through hours of hot television sex scenes, in search of the most notable ones. (Or rather, the most notable that DIDN’T require me to register with YouTube as someone who likes “dirty” videos.  I’m pretty sure YouTube sends THAT registry list to the government  . . .)  It was a tough job, but someone had to do it . . .

So, without further adieu, here are my picks for the first annual TV Sex-y Awards.

The “Most Bizarre Place to Get Lucky” Award goes to . . . (drumroll please)

KATE AND SAWYER on LOST for “Bear Cage Sex.”

Don’t you hate it when you are trapped on on an island you THINK is deserted, but it actually ends up being filled with a weird group of Others who throw you in a cage, and force you to eat nothing but massive looking dog food crackers shaped like fish?  Kate and Sawyer actually don’t seem to hate it all that much . . . In a few moments, you will understand why.

Honestly?  I don’t understand how these two DIDN’T end up together, at the end of the series.  Can you imagine JACK SHEPARD doing it in cage?  He’d probably be too concerned with how many bacterial infections you could get from those steel bars, to really get in the mood.

“When is the last time you think they windexed those?  That dude with the beard just didn’t look very clean.  Maybe they’d be willing to give us some paper towels to put down first . . .”

The “Best Use of Camera Effects to Simulate Sex, Without Upsetting the Censors” Award goes to . . .

CHUCK and BLAIR on GOSSIP GIRL for “Limo Sex”

I remember literally drooling the first time I watched this scene, which took place during Season 1 of Gossip Girl.  In it, Chuck takes a highly vulnerable Blair to a Gentleman’s Club he wishes to purchase.  Once there, the typically buttoned-up and straight-laced, Blair surprises him, by getting up on stage and performing a tasteful, but highly provocative, strip tease.  During the limo ride home, the pair do it for the first time. 

Upon watching the scene again, I was surprised by how little the producers actually showed, sex-wise.  In fact,  when compared to many of the others scenes shown here, this one was surprisingly tame.  And yet, something about the scene made it seem deliciously X-rated.  I’m thinking it was the jump cuts and old-school video effects that caused us fans to imagine a raunchiness that wasn’t necessarily there.  Watch and you’ll see what I mean . . .

The “Best First Time” Award goes to . . .

PACEY and JOEYon DAWSON’S CREEK for “High School Ski Trip Sex”

I’m pretty sure the scene I’m about to show you RUINED virginity loss for young women everywhere.  Most first sexual encounters are awkward, painful and uncomfortable.  Joey’s and Pacey’s was PURE PERFECTION. 

After watching an entire season of longing looks and “Will they?  Won’t they?”  Followed by ANOTHER season of coupledom that was frequently marred by petty fights and the annoying romantic advances of boring hangers on (cough, cough Dawson cough), it was REALLY nice to see Joey and Pacey finally able to get some unadulterated loving.  And as for Joey’s pre-sex speech?  Well, foreplay just doesn’t get much better than that!

The “Most Realistic First Time” Award goes to . . .

SETH and SUMMER on THE O.C. for “Not-So-Hot at Having Sex”

He was desperately in love with her since the sixth grade.  She . . . thought he was a major loser . . . But then, he seemingly moved on.  And the thought of Seth dating another girl stirred up feelings in Summer that she didn’t know she had.  Remember how I said earlier that most “first times” are awkward, painful, and uncomfortable?  So was their’s . . .

The “Most Uncomfortable to Watch Sex Scene” Award goes to . . .

MEREDITH and GEORGE on GREY’S ANATOMY in “There’s No Crying in Sex!”

Speaking of awkward . . . how would you like it if you finally got the chance to do it with the girl or guy of your dreams?   But then, the mere thought of consummating a relationship with you made the object of your desire burst into tears .  . . and not tears of joy, either . . .

Note:  Asking someone if they are “almost done,” during sexual activity?  NOT A TURN ON!

The “Dirtiest (and not in a good way) Sex” Award goes to . . .

VAMPIRE BILL and SOOKIE on TRUE BLOOD in “Doing It with the Dead Sex”

Remember how I told you Dr. Jack Shepard from Lost would be too finicky to engage in Bear Cage Sex with Kate?  Well, you could just imagine how he’d feel, when faced with the prospect of banging a naked corpse in a cemetery, especially when said corpse had just spent the last several hours buried in the dirt.  In this next scene, Sookie, believing her beloved Vampire Bill to have died permanently in a fire, heads to his gravesite to pay her last respects.  It is there that she has a rather “unexpected” encounter . . .

The “Undead Dudes Make the Best Lovers”  Award goes to . . .

ELENA and STEFAN on THE VAMPIRE DIARIES in “I Love You, Even if You Are Old and Fangy, Sex”

My squeamish thoughts regarding the last video might give you the mistaken impression that I think sex with vampires is gross and wrong.  TOTALLY UNTRUE!  Sex with vampires can be unbelievably hot, particularly when the vampire in question has Hypnotic Arms of Steel, like Stefan Salvatore.  Watch and be entranced . . .

(This one is un-embedded, unfortunately.  Just click the internal link to see it.)

The “So Hot, We Wish it Wasn’t Incest” Award goes to . . .

BOONE and SHANNON on LOST in “Step-Sibling Sex”

You know who else plays a vampire on The Vampire Diaries?  THIS GUY . . .

Unfortunately, the sex scenes he’s been in on that show, so far, have almost universally involved, compulsion, violence, and girls that were NOT Elena.  But to hold a a TV Sex-y Award “show” and NOT include the Sex Master himself, Ian Somerhalder, would be pure sacrilege.  So, I figured, the least I could do was show a scene where he got it on with his sister.  Just TRY not to be aroused by this one . . . I DARE YOU!

The “Sex Scene That Made Me Hungry” Award goes to . . .

SERENA and NATE on GOSSIP GIRL in “Do You Really Expect Me To Put That in My Mouth? Sex”

“I can’t believe I ate the WHOLE thing!”

You see, to me, food and sex DON’T mix.  In fact, food is what you abstain from a few hours BEFORE sex, to avoid unfortunate incidents and “Pudgy Tummy.”  But, then again, I’m not Serena and Nate.  Is it wrong that, when I was watching this scene, I was paying more attention to the waffles and strawberries the couple was eating, than I was to the couple themselves?  Because, let me tell you, those were some JUICY strawberries . . .

(Yet another poopy non-embedder.  Click that link!  You won’t regret it!)

And, finally, The “Best Post-Coital Conversation” Award goes to . . .

LOGAN and VERONICA on VERONICA MARS in “We Just Did It.  Now Let’s Chat About Hookers Sex”

It’s fitting that the last award of the day would go to an “After Sex” scene.  And if any couple deserves a moment to lie together peacefully and spoon, its Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls.  Fans of Veronica Mars know that this couple’s “epic” relationship was most certainly never dull.  When these two weren’t bashing in the headlights on one another’s cars, getting eachother suspended for drug use on school grounds, protecting eachother from mobsters, rapists and serial killers, breaking eachother out of jail, and testifying in court against people who killed their friends, Veronica and Logan were just an ordinary couple looking for some “alone time.” 

Unfortunately, the show was only three seasons long.   And Veronica and Logan were “coupled” for less than half of it.  This didn’t leave much time for these two to do those “normal things” that most couples do.  That’s what makes the quiet and contemplative moment that the pair shares in this scene so special . . .

Well, there you have it folks.  This year’s First Annual TV Sex-y Awards has officially came and went.  I think I’m going to take a cold shower now . . .

 

 

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Filed under Sex on Television, Television Super Couples, Top Ten Lists

Happily Ever After or Happy in the Ever After? – My Initial Take on Lost’s Series Finale “The End”

 

After six years, and a fun and enjoyable, if not exactly “informative” two hours, one of the most innovative, intelligent, and well-acted shows in television history, Lost, has come to its final conclusion.  And aside from an open-ended, and fairly controversial ending, and a few (OK . .  a LOT . . . of unanswered questions), I think the producers did a great job of giving fans what they wanted, at least on an emotional level.  After all, for what could sometimes be a fairly dour show (I mean, it did revolve around a plane crash, and I’d say at least a third of the episodes featured SOMEONE dying), this may have been the happy-go-luckiest season finale of all time . . .

See?   Look how HAPPY he is!

While, I would have to be absolutely effing nuts to attempt to do a comprehensive recap of this ENTIRE finale (I do work, you know . . .), I thought it might be fun, (for me at least, if not necessarily for you) to discuss some of my favorite moments from the episode, before I attempt to tackle . . . THE ENDING, which I plan to do in a separate post.  I’m going to try to break these down by character, so that there’s at least some organizing principle to this stream of consciousness mish mash of a so-called recap . . .

Vincent

So what if they never explained his island significance, his seeming omniscience, or how he managed to survive all this time (Are we actually supposed to believe he was with Rose and Bernard during ALL those missing years?).  So what if he never got reunited with his real owner (Walt).  He’s a cute dog.  And EVERYONE likes cute dogs!  So the fact that our little Vincent got some screen time during this finale, including being featured in the third to last frame of the ENTIRE show, was both adorable and awesome. 

Boone

Ian Somerhalder looked positively yummy during his half-a-second of screen time in this finale.  I thought it was funny / sweet that he was willing to get his ass kicked for the sake of LOVE .  . . even if it wasn’t HIS own love, but rather the love between his sister and Sayid.  I was also happy that he made it into the “temple / church” at the end.  Because some other Losties who appeared in more episodes than he did (cough, Michael, cough), apparently didn’t rate.  My one gripe is that we didn’t get to see his “realization of island life” moment, as we did with the other castaways.  Clearly, I’m a bit biased for Damon Salvatore Boone.

Lapidus

I’m starting to believe this guy’s sole purpose on this show was to fulfill the “Cooky Pilot” role.  Did you notice how Lapidus was MIA during most of the series, but was always conveniently on hand whenever any of the castaways needed to hop on a plane?  However, I was really happy he didn’t, you know, DIE in that submarine accident, along with Sayid, Jin and Sun, as I had initially thought he did.   If I were him, however, I would have been a tad annoyed that none of the other castaways seemed to give a damn about my mortality, until they needed a ride. . . .

Richard Alpert

Ditto on the whole, “YAY!  You’re not dead!” thing . . .  Other than staying alive, Mr. Guyliner didn’t have much to do during this episode, except for  .  . . AGE!  That’s right folks, once our Big Baddie was dead, apparently, Richard Alpert wasn’t immortal anymore.  He even got a GREY HAIR!

  For a few minutes there, I was worried that the centuries old Alpert would begin to decay and instantly disintegrate, vampire style.  He didn’t.  Alpert gets to get old and wrinkly, slowly and painfully, just like the rest of us.  Lucky him! 

Rose and Bernard

It was nice to see these two still alive and playing house (with their pet Vincent) on Lost island.  And, can I just say, that Dharma food must be REAL good . . . because Bernard was looking more than a bit on the tubby side . . . (Oh, and I’m pretty sure he and Crazy Claire share the same island stylist.)

Hurley

A few weeks back, I proposed a drinking game that revolved (among other things) around Hurley’s repeated use of the word “dude.”  Apparently, someone on the writing staff was listening, because Hurley LITERALLY said “DUDE” at the beginning or end of EVERY SENTENCE he uttered during this ENTIRE finale . . .  It actually got a bit annoying, toward the end.

 I was also amused by the “ceremony” in which Hurley took over the Candidate position from Jack of “Guarder of the Giant Island Light Bulb.”  Hurley looked as disappointed as Lost fans probably were, when Jack scooped up muddy water from a random puddle, put it in a used Poland Spring bottle, and told him to drink it. 

That’s it?  THAT’S what makes you The Candidate?  Drinking dirty water?  Haven’t ALL the Losties been drinking island water for six years now?  Who knew that Jack’s utterance of the classic phrase “Now your like me,” REALLY meant, “Now you’re suffering from an intestinal parasite, and a BAD case of Montezuma’s revenge . . .”

Jin and Sun

Tonight’s series finale was just FILLED with virtually identical sappy scenes in which two characters, who were “coupled” on the island, touched one another, and instantly “remembered” their island past.   This was inevitably illustrated by a “love montage” between the two characters, to the tune of overly dramatic music. 

Now, I’m a girl.  So, although I recognized their almost nauseating cheesiness, these scenes actually worked for me.  But if I had to choose my favorite of them, it would be the one between Jin and Sun, which was poignant on so many more levels than just the “We luuuuve eachother” one.

In this scene, Juliet, (I’ll get to her in a bit), is showing Jin and Sun their baby’s sonogram.  When  Juliet puts the gel on Sun’s belly, she remembers the same thing occuring in island world, and tears of happy recognition run down her cheeks.  A few seconds later, when the sonogram picture appears on the screen, Jin remembers seeing pictures of Ji Yeon when he was on the island.  Then the two look at eachother and collectively remember their Titanic ripoff on-island death scene, which resulted in their child being an orphan in island world, and also REALLY PISSED ME OFF. 

But this is Flash-Sideways World, so all is good!  Juliet asks the teary couple if they want to know the sex of the baby.  They answer in English, which, of course, they both just remembered how to speak, that they know it is a girl, and that her name is Ji Yeon.  Awesome!

Ben

Before, I tell you what I LIKED about Ben in the series finale, let me start with a little gripe.  The producers of the show teased that Ben was supposed to get some loving, before the series ended.   In Flash Sideways World, it was sort-of hinted that he would eventually find love with Rousseau . . .

 . . . but, ultimately, the producers didn’t deliver in this respect.  And I was sad . . .

In happier news, our resident flip-flopper, who seemingly has more personalties than United States of Tara, ultimately redeemed himself AGAIN during this episode.  Instead of covering his own ass and taking the easy way out, Island Ben agreed to stay with Hurley as Vice Candidate Protector of the Giant Light Bulb. We know he did a pretty good job of it too, as Hurley ultimately tells him in Flash Sideways World, “You were a great Number 2.” 

Speaking of Flash Sideways World, there, after Ben remembered his island roots, he apologized to John for basically making his life a living hell for many seasons of Lost.  “I was jealous of you.  I wanted what you had.  You were special, and I wasn’t,” he explained. 

Ultimately, Ben didn’t enter the “Temple/Church” with the rest of the crew.  And I don’t recall seeing Alex or Rousseau there either . . . but here’s hoping they all eventually found their way there . . .

Sawyer

Why oh WHY, were you completely dressed during this ENTIRE FINALE, Josh Holloway?

Excess clothing aside, it was fun to spend this final two hours with the World’s Sexiest Lostie.  And while, as a Skate fan, I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed that my side of the love square ultimately didn’t win out (Sawyer ended up with Juliet / Jack ended up with Kate), I have to say I ADORED this small scene between MY COUPLE!

Sawyer: “I’d invite you along, but then I would miss out on all the fun of telling you that you can’t come.

Kate: “Guess, I’ll have to overcome the urge to follow you anyway.”

Classic! 

Carlton and Damon, remind me why you didn’t put these two togther, again?  Oh, well . . . at least we’ll always have Bear Cage Sex . . .

Crazy Claire

So, it looks like Sane Claire is here to stay, and Kate’s willing to stick around and help care for Aaron, just in case she falls off the “Non-Loony Tunes” Wagon.  (Although I was a bit annoyed that they never explained “the sickness” Claire had, or how SHE was able to give birth on the island when no one else could, or what made Aaron “special.”)   I had to laugh a bit when the Losties invited her off the island and she initially replied, “Look at me!  The island’s made me crazy!  I can’t take care of a kid anymore!”

And if this wasn’t “The Happiest Series Finale EVER” I’d be inclined to agree with her statements.  After all, Crazy isn’t like a cold.  It doesn’t just go away after 9 days.  But, fortunately for Claire, Kate . . .

 .  . . agreed to help Claire be a mother to Aaron (and reteach Claire how to use a hairbrush).  Holding hands like school girls, the two hopped aboard Lapidus’ plane and left the island (and Crazy?) behind them for good.

In Flash Sideways World, Kate helps Claire give birth at a Driveshaft concert, and it is the CLEANEST, LEAST BLOODY and EASIEST delivery EVER!  Just minutes after giving birth, when Claire’s va-jay-jay is all exposed, she reunites with and remembers her love for a totally gothed out, Rocker Charlie  . . .

OK, obviously this picture does NOT show Rocker Charlie . . . But rest assured, the Charlie on screen today could have used some mascara application lessons from Richard Alpert . . . Less is more, dude!  Less is MORE!

Sayid and Shannon

The makeout scene between these two was hot . . . just saying.  It was kind of creepy that Shannon’s brother was ogling her the whole time though (especially since we know that Bro and Sis once DID IT!)

Locke

OK . . . so in island world, Locke imposter, MIB, FINALLY DIED!

How, you ask?  Well, the temporary turning off of the Giant Light Bulb made him mortal again, which gave Kate the excellent opportunity to finally successfully shoot him, after failing to do so about 80 times this season (“I saved you a bullet, A-hole!”)  He also fell off a cliff . . .

But in Flash Sideways World, Locke was warm and fuzzy.  He came through his operation with flying colors, waking up and wiggling his toes immediately.  He also made lovey dovey eyes at former nemeses Jack and Ben.  And those of you who also watch Glee, like me, probably got particular joy out of the scene where he gets up from his wheelchair and instantly begins to walk upright. (Artie would have been sooooo jealous!) 

I half expected Locke to start doing the Safety Dance!

Jack

Obviously, the crux of this episode revolves around Jack’s journey.  And a discussion of Jack’s journey would inevitably lead to a discussion of “The Ending,” which, as I mentioned earlier, I am saving for another post.  For now, suffice it to say, that I was happy about the following strands of Jack-centric plotlines:

*In Flash Sideways World, David Shepard (Assuming this kid actually exists, seeing as . . . well, more on that later), is the son of both Jack and Juliet. These two seemed to have had the most amicable divorce EVER, especially seeing as they are both doctors in the SAME hospital (awkward).  Still, nice touch writers . . .

*It was cool to see Jack FINALLY reunited with his dad, Christian Shepard, who was actually nice to him for a change . . . Even though . . . well . .  . nevermind . . .

* I loved the scene where Hurley told Jack he was “right,” and Jack said, “There’s a first time for everything.” 

(Yes Jack, for six seasons you were ALWAYS WRONG about EVERYTHING!  It was high time you finally bucked up and admitted it.)

* I was glad that Jack got to spend his final moments with Vincent.  Because if any guy needs Man’s Best Friend it’s Dour Jack . . .

Well, that’s ALMOST all folks . . .Tune in sometime tomorrow, when I attempt to broach the controversial last ten minutes of this episode, and some of the series’ most infuriating UNANSWERED questions . . .

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Filed under Lost

“Keep Your Shirt Off, Sawyer” – A Recap of Lost’s “Recon”

Woo hoo!  A Sawyer-centric episode!  This means I get to use my favorite “Josh Holloway Shirtless” picture again!  Never gets old . . .

Tonight we got to spend an hour with our sexiest Lostie — watching him do the four things that he does best: flirt, screw, brood, and con.  Additionally, we observed  Smokey working more of his manipulative magic, as he tried (in vain?) to recruit both  Sexy Lostie Sawyer and Spunky Lostie Kate to the Darkside.

“This Black Smoke stuff will sure come in handy, when I’m trying to vanquish my enemies aboard the Death Star.  It’s going to be  SO much more efficient than that oversized glow stick I usually use .  . .”

We also learned a bit more (but not too much more) about Team 3, in what is sure to be one heck of a Final Island Showdown. 

Two weeks ago, we met Team Smokey.  Last week, we focused on Team Jacob.  This week, we got a peak at Charles Widmore’s underwater crew, which I would hereby like to dub . . .  TEAM SUBBIE!

OK, OK . . . So, it was actually a BLACK submarine.  You really can’t go wrong with a Beatles reference, though.  Can you?

So, without further adieu, let’s do some “Recon” . . .

Brokeback Cop-land

“I wish I knew how to quit you, Sawyer!”

To be honest, Sawyer’s Flash Sideways bugged me.  For one thing, homoerotic undertones aside (Miles gave Sawyer enough longing looks during this episode to melt the Polar Icecaps!  And don’t even get me started on that “locker boyfight” scene), I just didn’t buy the Miles / Sawyer Bromance.  Perhaps, it was because neither of the typically snarky duo said anything particularly funny in flash-sideways world.  Or maybe, it was because my dream Lostie Buddy Cop Show always featured Miles and HURLEY!

“Sure, dump me for the Hot Guy!  But Sawyer won’t keep you warm at night, like I will.  And HE won’t be able to warn you when the dead person your ‘touching’ has dirty hands!”

Additionally, up until this point, the flash-sideways episodes were all about the characters seeking redemption for wrongs committed in their current timeline.  Here, by becoming a cop instead of a criminal, Sawyer was, theoretically, already redeemed, before the episode started.  Plus, the meat and potatoes of his story, i.e. whether he actually KILLS Anthony Cooper to avenge his parents deaths, wasn’t even shown during the episode.  If Sawyer commits a cold-blooded murder like this, can we truly say he has redeemed himself, just because he did it while wearing a badge?

Get Out of Darkside Free card?

But I am getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s backtrack a bit.  In “Recon,”‘ Sawyer’s flash-sideways ironically begins in precisely the same way his flashback in”The Long Con” began.  Namely, a deliciously Shirtless Sawyer . . .

Oh come on!  Tell me you didn’t want to see that again!

 . . . is lounging around, in a state of post-coital bliss, with a beautiful woman when Oops! a suitcase filled with cash pops open on the floor.  The difference here is that Sawyer’s current Gal Friday has a con artist husband, and, therefore, unlike his previous conquest, knows she’s being played for a fool.  Or does she?  When Mrs. Long Con pulls a gun on Sawyer and demands answers, his apartment is suddenly swarmed with cops, who instantly arrest her.  As it turns out, Sawyer wasn’t involved in a “Long Con” after all.  It was an undercover police sting operation.

“Put your shirt on, Sawyer,” remarks Sawyer’s police partner Miles.  (And, can I just say, “Worst advice EVER!”  Don’t make me show that pic again Miles, because I WILL DO IT!)

Back at the office, Miles asks Sawyer some probing questions about his recent “trip to Palm Springs,” when us viewers know he was really in Australia the whole time.  Sawyer fends off the inquiry long enough for Miles to set Sawyer up on a blind date with his “friend.”  And, who is this mysterious “friend” you ask?

It’s Charlotte Lewis.  Back from the dead and actually wearing makeup!

Charlotte and Sawyer seem to hit it off pretty well.  And after a few drinks, these two end up in bed together.  (Who knew archeaologists were so slutty?)  This is fabulous, of course, because we get treated to more of Shirtless Sawyer.  However, things go off the rails, when Sawyer heads off for a glass of water, and Charlotte uses her alone time as an opportunity to snoop around his bedroom.  First, she finds . . .

Apparently, both on and off the island, Sawyer screws like a bunny, and reads about them too . . .

She also comes across Sawyer’s BINDER OF VENGEANCE – complete with clippings about his parents’ tragic murder / suicide and the elusive Anthony Cooper, whose actions brought about their death.  Sawyer finds Charlotte reading the binder,  promptly freaks out, and kicks her the heck out of his apartment.

WTH Sawyer!  Overreact much?  Is this because I found out that you read books about furry little animals that talk?  Because I promise I won’t tell anyone!

Later, Sawyer feels guilty about his behavior, and arrives at Charlotte’s apartment with makeup sex on his mind.  His weapons of choice?  A giant sunflower and a cheap six pack of beer.

Foreplay?

That’s the problem with dating ridiculously good looking guys, they never really learn how to work for it.  Charlotte, though slutty, is clearly a stronger woman than I am, because she denies Sawyer’s ass.  Dejected, our hero leaves the sunflower outside Charlotte’s door (but takes the beer back, of course). 

You better watch it, Sawyer.  Just because they call it a “six pack,” doesn’t mean you get to keep yours if you keep drinking them like they are going out of style . . .

Upon returning to the police station once more, Sawyer has a run-in with Lostie Charlie’s rockstar brother, and is then assaulted (sexually?) by Miles.  Sawyer assumes Miles has pushed him up against the locker because he wants a quickie is angry at Sawyer’s shoddy treatment of Charlotte.  However, Boyfriend is actually super insulted at having found out that Sawyer lied about going to Palm Springs.  Later, Sawyer comes clean to Miles about the BINDER OF VENGEANCE and his plans to hunt down and murder Anthony Cooper. 

But before these two can hug it out, a car sideswipes them out of no where, and the driver gives chase.  Sawyer chases the hoodlum down a dark alley.  When he gets close enough to ID the perp, he finds out that it is . . .

Kate!  (Which reminds me, if Sawyer is a cop in Flash-Sideways world, why did he help Kate evade that federal agent back at the airport?)

Promises, Jungle Love, and the Smokey Mission

Back on Lost island, a frightened Jin awakens and tells Sawyer that the two of them better get the hell out of dodge, before Crazy Claire and Nu Locke return from whereever they are.  Sawyer then shocks Jin by telling him, “I am with Locke now.”

However, our favorite good-hearted bad ass, later qualifies his statement, explaining that all he wants to do is get off of the island, and Nu Locke can help him do that.  When Jin expresses reservations about leaving the island without Sun, Sawyer promises him that if the two of them find her, they won’t leave the island without her.  When the rest of the Smokey clan arrives at camp, Sawyer and Kate have the heartfelt reunion Skate fans have been longing for all season.  And you KNOW these two still have the hots for eachother!

Nothing says loving like hot bear cage sex.

 Nu Locke is currently playing nice with the Smokey clan, assuring them that he will protect them from the Evil Smoke Monster that killed all of their friends.

 . . . can avoid Evil Temple Fires!

However,  Sawyer isn’t buying it.  He calls Nu Locke out in front of the group for promising to get him off the island and not delivering.  Nu Locke pulls Sawyer aside and admits to being the Smoke Monster, but claims that he only did what he had to in order to escape Lost island. 

Sure, I’m a supernatural mass murderer, but that doesn’t make me EVIL.  It just makes me HOMESICK!

(BTW Dude, you are a PUFF OF SMOKE!  If you want to get off the island, can’t you just blow yourself off?)

Nu Locke then sends Sawyer out on a mission.  He is to head to Hydra island  (locale of the infamous bear cage sex romp), and do recon work on a group of folks there that are intending to do the Smokey clan harm.  Nu Locke strokes Sawyer’s ego, claiming that he chose Hot Stuff for this mission, because he’s the best liar in town. 

 Crazy Moms and the Folks Who Fear Them

Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop, when the wind blows, I’ll  . . . MAKE YOU SLEEP WITH A DOLL MADE OUT OF A DEAD CARCASS!

While Sawyer is on his mission, Kate FINALLY begins to question Claire’s sanity, after she finds the nightmare-inducing dead carcass inside Aaron’s baby bassinet.  “It is all I have left,” explains Claire.

Later Claire jumps Kate and tries to kill her, while Evil Sayid stands idly by and watches, looking bored.  Oddly enough, it is Nu-Locke who comes to Kate’s rescue.  Nu Locke later pulls Kate aside and apologizes for Claire’s bat sh&t craziness.  He feels partly to blame.  (Partly?  Try fully!)  According to Locke, without Aaron, Claire had lost the will to live, and to keep her going, Locke told her the Others took her baby.  This anger, he claimed, helped her to survive.  And now, Claire has transplanted that hate to Kate.

Nu-Locke admits that he was once a REAL PERSON with a bat sh&t crazy mom.  SPOILER ALERT:  Scroll down to find out who Nu-Locke’s mom is . . .

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This explains so much . . .

Kate asks Nu-Locke why he has confided this in her.  Nu Locke explains, “Because Aaron now has a crazy mom.”

Aha!  So Locke is trying to use Kate’s love for Baby Aaron to get her to join the Darkside.  Very crafty . . .

Smelly Dead People, More Promises, and Gun-Toting Submariners

Meanwhile, Sawyer sails off to the Hydra, and is immediately overcome by its smells, both good ( a ripped portion of Kate’s sexed-up bear cage dress), and bad (a pile of rotting bodies next to a nearby downed airplane).  At the plane site, Sawyer meets a woman named Zoe who claims to be the only survivor of the tragic flight.  Sawyer offers to take her back to his Smokey people, but becomes suspicious when she asks him whether his “people” have guns.  Suddenly, Sawyer is surrounded by a bunch of gun-toting mercenaries who take Sawyer down to their submarine where he encounters  . . .

Charles Widmore!

Instinctively recognizing that Widmore is here to off Nu-Locke, Sawyer makes a deal with the Team Subbie leader.  He will get Nu Locke onto the Submarine, so that Widmore can kill him, in exchange for free passage off the island for him and his friends. 

Careful Sawyer.  Remember the last time someone tried to broker this sort of “deal?”  It didnt work out so well for HIM . . .

(Sawyer = Member of Team Subbie?)

Later, Sawyer returns to the island, and provides Nu Locke with a boatload (pun intended) of information about Widmore and his gang, including the faux-deal Sawyer brokered with Widmore regarding Nu Locke’s life.  Nu Locke thanks Sawyer for his loyalty.

(Sawyer = Member of Team Subbie?) (Sawyer = Member of Team Smokey?)

At the episode’s conclusion, Sawyer tells Kate his real plan.  “Let these two Evil Doofuses duke it out amongst themselves.  You and I are going to escape Lost island . . . via submarine!”

(Sawyer = Member of Team Subbie?) (Sawyer = Member of Team Smokey?)   Sawyer = Member of Team Skate!!!!!! 

That’s all she wrote folks!  Tune in next week, when we finally find out how Richard Alpert has stayed so young-looking all these years (and what kind of eyeliner he wears).

 

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