ELENA: Oh Stefan . . . It was awful! I was busy trying to get information from Katherine about all this Doppelganger Stuff, when . . . all of the sudden . . . Damon . . . he . . . he . . .he . . . F$%KED ROSE! *cries uncontrollably*
STEFAN: Wait . . . who’s Rose, again?
ELENA: I know! Right?
This week, on The Vampire Diaries, we made some new “friends” (most of whom were dead by the end of the episode), learned about Katherine’s origins as well as Klaus’s Evil Master Plan, and we saw some NAKED DAMON . . .
“Well, hello there, ladies! My name is Naked Damon. I’m a lot like regular Damon, except I’m . . . you know . . . naked and stuff.”
. . . or at least we would have if SOMEONE wasn’t rubbing up on him, and REPEATEDLY BLOCKING OUR VIEW!
Ummm . . . Rosie . . . can I call you, Rosie? I know you are new here. And, perhaps, you don’t really know how these things work. So, let me let you in on a little secret . . .
cock blocking Team Delena the camera from Naked Damon, is not exactly going to endear you to fans, if you catch my drift.
So, without further adieu, let’s step WAY back in time, and review what we’ve learned. Shall we?
It’s 1490 in Bulgaria. Do you know where your Kat is?
The episode opens with a very human Kat giving birth to a baby (Thereby, setting into motion the chain of events that would result in Elena’s birth — roughly 500 years later – and, by extension, making possible the existence of a television series we lovingly refer to as The Vampire Diaries).
Had Katherine’s parents known then, what wonderful things would ultimately result from the birth of their grandchild, they might have been a bit kinder to its mother. Unfortunately, there was no CW in Bulgaria, back in 1490. Therefore, all Katherine’s parents could see was their Big Slut Daughter, who got herself knocked up, without first managing to obtain the Wedding Ring that would make such a condition acceptable. So, the PARENTS FROM HELL took Katherine’s baby away, and threw their poor teenage daughter’s ass out into the cold. (Wow. I can’t believe I just used the word “poor” to describe THIS GIRL . . .)
Weird . . .
Back in the Present Day . . .
Elena rings the doorbell at La Casa de Rich and Awesome. Answering the door is Damon, who is, presumably, seeing Elena for the first time, since he made his HEARTFELT, BUT COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN, CONFESSION OF LOVE to her, last week . . .
Kickass picspam brought to you by The Vampire Diaries Tumblr.
Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy this moment while it lasts. Because this will be the ONLY TIME DAMON AND ELENA INTERACT THE ENTIRE EPISODE!
After exchanging some smouldering looks with Damon, Elena quickly enters La Casa. And, so, the weekly Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation ensues, starring Elena, Damon, Stefan, and Evil Man Stealer! Newbie Rose.
It goes a little something like this . . .
STEFAN: Some Big Bad Vampire named Klaus is the villain trying to kill you this week, Elena.
DAMON: But he’s probably not real, anyway.
ROSE: Yes, he is.
DAMON: No, he’s not.
ROSE: Yes, he is.
DAMON: Remember last week, when I told you I loved you, Elena? Please remember because EVERYBODY wants you to remember REALLY BADLY.
ELENA: I do remember. And I love you too, Honey Bun!
ELENA: I’m bored. Off to class! Toodles!
“OK, is it just me, or was that TOTALLY unhelpful?”
Little do Stefan and Damon know . . .
. . . that Elena has plans of her own, ones that don’t involve freaking out about some Big Scary Boogeyman Vampire with a Dorky Name. Elena wants to talk to Katherine, and get the real scoop on why all those Old Fogey Vampires want her dead. So, she enlists Caroline to help her get into the tomb.
Honestly, you would think that Caroline would put up more of a fight over this. Especially considering that, just two episodes ago, she and the Scooby Gang spent AN ENTIRE NIGHT trying to get Katherine into the tomb, so the Evil Vamp wouldn’t KILL ALL THEIR FRIENDS. But no. Caroline seems more concerned about whether Papa Stefan will yell at her
and, possibly, ground her, if he finds out she deliberately disobeyed him.
“Dark Stefan is NO JOKE, Elena! You should see what he does to those cute little defenseless bunnies . . .”
Remember back in Season 1, when the gang spent an entire episode opening the tomb, and the sheer effort of it, KILLED Poor Grandma Bennett?
“Yeah . . . that SUCKED!”
Well, Damon must have used a MUCH cheaper lock. Because, to open the tomb this time, our girl Caroline simply has to lift up the door of the tomb, and move it out of the way. And yet, despite how INSANELY easy the tomb is to open, we are told that Katherine is completely incapable of leaving it, because
she is agoraphobic some witchiness around the tomb keeps all vampires who enter inside it until the plot deems it convenient for them to be let out FOREVER.
Moments, after the tomb is opened, Katherine hobbles toward its exit.
We know immediately that “Tomb Life” hasn’t been easy on Katherine, because (1) the foundation she’s wearing on her face is about two shades lighter than the rest of her body (A Common Beginner’s Makeup Application Mistake, by the way); (2) her non-waterproof mascara has run, giving her raccoon eyes; and (3) she now talks all weird and whispery, like a little kid impersonating a very old lady.
Fortunately for Katherine, Elena has come bearing gifts. She’s brought over that Big Ole Book containing Katherine’s family history, as well as some blood in an empty Poland Spring bottle, along with one of those little sippy cups that Mom’s use to give their babies cough medicine.
As it turns out, Elena wants to play a “little game” with Katherine. Knowing the Old Vamp has not eaten in two episodes, and is starting to look slightly blood-orexic, Elena decides to give Katherine a sippy cup full of blood, for every Klaus-related fact the bloodsucker shares. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right?
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Mystic Falls . . .
. . . high school has just let out for the day. And so, Jeremy decides to commence Shameless Flirting with Bonnie Part 3. He sees an opening, when Little Miss Klutz conveniently drops all her books on the floor.
“My Dear Maiden, it looks like you have dropped your school books. This sounds like a job for . . . MINI GILBERT!”
Of course, rather than offer to take the darn things off Bonnie’s hands, and carry them for her, Jeremy simply retrieves the books, and shoves them back into the witch’s wimpy arms. (Future Boyfriend FAIL!) Jeremy then invites Bonnie to play pool with him at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls. This is when Bonnie really turns on the charm. “Ewww Gross! You’re my best friend’s brother!” She tells him, more or less.
“Ooh, I love it when they treat me like crap. Hit me, baby. One more time!”
However, recognizing that the rest of the cast obviously has other plans, Bonnie ultimately decides to reconsider Jeremy’s offer. So what if she’s bad at pool? Jeremy is more than willing to help Bonnie learn her way around balls and a stick! Speaking of “learning to drive stick,” remember this?
Anyway, Jeremy’s chances of getting Bonnie in the sack seem to be REALLY looking up . . . that is, until the NEW GUY comes along.
Ahhh . . . another new character has found their way to Mystic Falls. You know what I like to do with new characters on this show? Find compromising pictures of them as child stars, from the early 90’s, and post them on the internet . . .
Well, hello there. Little Richie from Family Matters! My, have you grown!
So, New Guy Luka wants to find the school’s main office. He introduces himself to Jeremy, who politely shakes his hand, and Bonnie, who’s so obviously hot for the guy, she nearly detaches her jaw, and swallows him whole.
“Hi Luka, my name is BoneMe . . . er . . . um . . . I mean Bonnie.”
Eager to size up his competition (and probably more even eager to separate the New Guy from the Carniverous Bonnie), Jeremy “gallantly” offers to personally direct Luka to the school’s main office. However, before doing so, he instructs Bonnie to meet him over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls a little later.
So, Bonnie heads to the Only Bar / Social Estabishment at Mystic Falls to wait for Jeremy. And, who should she meet there, but . . .
Just kidding, it’s Luka and his dad, Jonas . . .
Not that Jonas . . .
That’s the ONE!
Unfortunately, Papa Jonas TOTALLY pisses on his son’s game, by making some uncomfortable references to the Bennett Family’s Salem Witchy Roots.
“OMG! My dad is SUCH an Urkel!”
When Jeremy FINALLY arrives to retrieve Bonnie for their “date,” the Little Witch actually seems relieved to be free of Jonas and his hot son. However, just moments later, while Jeremy is generously tutoring Bonnie in the art of
fondling sticks handling a pool cue . . .
Luka butts in AGAIN. As it turns out, the New Guy very much wants to
f*ck Bonnie, play against the winner of Bonnie’s and Jeremy’s friendly pool game.
“You know what they say . . . once you go 8-ball, you NEVER GO BACK!”
Now, unless Bonnie is the Best Pool Hustler in the World, I’m assuming she didn’t win her game against Jeremy. So, it kind of surprised me to see a normally possessive Jeremy playing with his balls alone (um . . . I was referring to pool balls, of course), while Bonnie cuddled inside a booth with Luka, who’s father had presumably left the bar, sometime during the commercial break.
Eventually, a pissed off Jeremy leaves the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, without Bonnie, and without his balls . . .
But Bonnie doesn’t really seem to notice . . .
Luka rightly apologizes to Bonnie for how TOTALLY creepy his dad acted earlier. You see, Luka’s dad took one look at Bonnie, and knew immediately that she was a witch. (And she didn’t even have to give him a Massive Headache, like she usually does! Go figure!) Inexplicably, this supposedly made “Jonas” worry that Bonnie would “out” Luka and his dad for their magical powers.
What magical powers, you ask? Well, this week, we learned that Luka can . . . play with table salt?
Ummm . . . I hate to break it to you Luka, but that’s pretty much the LAMEST SUPER POWER EVER! I mean, how exactly do you plan on defeating your enemies? By giving them High Blood Pressure? When Bonnie asks whether Luka is a witch, Mr. Persnickety corrects her, by saying he’s a “warlock.”
Was I the only one hoping he would say “wizard?”
What can I say? I have a thing for guys with really big wands . . .
Back at the tomb, Katherine is still telling her life story, in exchange for little sippy cup-sized sips of blood. Already, she is looking healthier than she was when the episode began . . . or, at least as “healthy” as a 500-year old corpse can look. Apparently, after being banished from Bulgaria, Katherine traveled to England and hooked up with Klaus. (“Hooked up?” Oooh, does this mean Klaus could be HOT? *crosses fingers*)
I should probably mention here, that, although he was mentioned throughout this episode, we never actually got to see Klaus. And, until we do actually get to see him, this is how I, personally, will be picturing the Big Bad Vamp in my head . . .
Hey! It could happen!
Despite the fact that Klaus looks suspiciously similar to Vampire Eric Northman, Katherine ultimately decided to dump him. Don’t get her wrong, it’s not like he wasn’t a good lay or anything . . .
It’s just that he kept trying to use her as an ingredient in his recipe for Moonstone Curse Breaking Stew! (So, NOT A TURN ON!) Speaking of that stew, Klaus would now like to include Elena in it, which is why he is currently on the hunt for her.
Now, just in case your interested in whipping up a batch of the delicious concoction for yourself, here are the ingredients you need to make Moonstone Curse Breaking Stew:
(1) one human Petrova Doppelganger . . .
(2) one werewolf . . .
(3) one vampire . . .
(4) one witch to recite the appropriate spell . . .
(5) and, of course, the Moonstone, itself . . .
How very convenient that the “ingredients list” for Moonstone Curse Breaking stew seems to comprise most of the supporting cast of The Vampire Diaries!
Suddenly, Katherine’s bizarro Season 2 actions make TOTAL sense! She’s been on a Scavenger Hunt for the Moonstone Breaking Curse ingredients! But . . . wait a minute . . . why would Katherine want to help Klaus, if he’s been trying to kill her all these years? As it turns out, it’s the same reason Rose and Trevor wanted to help Klaus (and his Evil Minion, Elijah) . . . freedom from persecution.
But, perhaps, I’m getting ahead of myself . . .
Back in 1490 England, an on-the-run, a still-human Katherine caught the eye of a familar face . . .
You guys remember Trevor, right? That Hot Mental Midget who kidnapped Elena, and literally “lost his head,” as a result? Well, apparently, that dude used to be in love with Katherine. (Because, as we all know, it is in Nina Dobrev’s contract that every male character on this show, MUST fall in love with one of her two characters, at least once each season).
“What can I say? My milkshake brings all the vamps to the yard . . .”
So, Trevor sends Katherine to his vampire buddy Rose’s cottage, assuming that she will be safe from Klaus there. But Rose isn’t having it. She wants to take Katherine back to Klaus ASAP. So Katherine wounds herself fatally, while Rose isn’t looking. “I’d rather die, than go back to Klaus,” Katherine explains.
“OK . . . now I am deeply hurt.”
Knowing full well that Klaus’ recipe requires the sacrifice of a LIVE Petrova, not a dead one, Rose refuses to let Katherine die. So, she cuts open her wrist, and shoves her vampiric blood down Katherine’s throat to heal her. However, since Rose is nowhere NEAR as smart, as I thought she was last week, she walks away AGAIN. This gives Katherine just enough time to hang herself.
When Katherine reawakens from death (due to having Rose’s blood in her system) she promptly drinks the blood of Rose’s human housemaid. And POOF, an EVIL VAMPIRE BIATCH is born!
“What’s new, Pussy Kat?”
You see, as I mentioned earlier, the Moonstone Curse Breaking stew requires a live human Petrova doppelganger, since an original Petrova’s sacrifice was what sealed the curse in the first place. (The Petrova doppelgangers themselves were “created” as part of the original curse, to continually give vampires, and werewolves (?) the opportunity to try and break the curse) Since Katherine is no longer “living” or “human,” she no longer fits the requirements of the recipe.
Upon returning to Rose’s cottage and learning what happened, a poor lovesick Trevor is kind of hurt that Katherine would rather Go Vamp, than spend a life time as his human pet. He also recognizes that, thanks to Katherine’s transformation under their watch, he and Rose will now have targets on their backs for the rest of eternity.
“Oops, did I do that?”
“Better you die, than I,” scoffs the uber selfish Katherine, before dashing out of the cottage at new, Super Vamp speed.
In fact, she “runs” all the way back to her birth home in Bulgaria. When we see her next, it is 1492. Columbus has sailed the ocean blue, and Katherine has sailed right into THIS . . .
Hey, I have something just like this hanging on MY WALL at home!
That’s right, boys and girls. Klaus murdered Katherine’s entire family (but obviously, not her baby . . . or else we all wouldn’t be here). When Katherine assumed she could disobey Klaus, go vamp, and get off scot free, she was WRONG. You see, Katherine had seriously underestimated Klaus’ penchant for REVENGE.
We see the seemingly stone-hearted Katherine break down in tears, as she mourns the death of her parents. I mean, sure, they were A**holes, who took away her kid and kicked her out of the house, when she was still a teenager. But they were her a**holes. And for the first time ALL season, I found myself feeling just a smidgeon sorry for Katherine.
I KNOW! Crazy, right?
“You have a friend?”
While Elena is chilling with Doppelicious, Caroline is busy trying to keep Stefan from figuring out where Elena is, and what she’s doing. So, Caroline decides to invite Stefan to . . . SURPRISE, SURPRISE . . . the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.
“Oh, COME ON, Caroline! This is the best you can do to distract me? You couldn’t have taken me to a strip club, or something?”
Hoping to keep Stefan’s mind occupied on something other than Elena’s absence, Caroline admits to telling New Werewolf Tyler that she’s a vampire.
To his credit, Papa Stefan keeps his cool about Caroline’s admission. However, he can’t help but patronizingly lecture her about what a risk she was taking, by doing that. In a very sweet moment that totally embodies the relationship these two have with eachother, Caroline wonders why Stefan seems to be always looking out for her. Stefan admits that Caroline reminds Stefan of an old friend of his.
“You have a friend?” Caroline snarks.
“Her name is Lexie,” Stefan replies.
Poor Dead Lexie . . . here’s hoping Caroline doesn’t suffer the same miserable fate . . .
Caroline tries to keep stalling Stefan, by admitting that she wants to help Tyler confront his First Full Moon. However, the always-obsessive Stefan just isn’t having it. He wants his Elena, and he wants her NOW, DAMMIT!
“Stop yammering, and give me my girlfriend, you B*TCH!”
But the increasingly loyal Caroline holds her ground, explaining to Stefan that while she does consider Stefan a friend, Elena is her friend too. And she refuses to betray Elena. Annoyed at not getting his way, Stefan stomps off. But it doesn’t really matter. Stefan has already figured out what Elena has done. And he is PISSED!
Back in Tomb Town . . .
Katherine has told Elena that Klaus will most certainly kill her, unless, of course, she goes vamp, like Katherine herself did, all those years ago. To prove her point, Katherin cuts her wrist and offers it up to Elena to drink . . .
But Elena’s too wimpy to do a cool thing like that. (I know, I know . . . I love her too . . . but you have to admit, she’s not exactly a Fly By the Seat of Her Pants, kind of Bad Girl).
“Hey! I can be BAD. Just last night, I went to bed without brushing my teeth!”
Stefan arrives, just as Katherine is telling Elena that Klaus will kill everyone she loves, if she doesn’t die at his hand.
Stefan tries to tell Elena that Katherine is a Big Fat Liar, but Katherine won’t let him. “Face it, Stefan, [Elena] is doomed. There is nothing you can do to stop it,” she insists.
And yet, there might be SOMETHING they can do . . . It is then that Katherine reveals her hidden bargaining chip, namely, the Moonstone . . .
Stefan, of course, is FURIOUS that Katherine has once again so thoroughly manipulated him. “You Manipulative Psychotic B*tch!” Stefan seethes.
“That’s my name. Don’t wear it out!”
As it turns out, although Stefan is right about Katherine manipulating the Scooby Gang, he is wrong about her ultimate motive. You see, contrary to what Stefan thinks, Katherine didn’t take the moonstone to bargain her way out of the tomb. In fact, Katherine doesn’t want out of the tomb AT ALL. Because, the tomb is the only place where Klaus can’t get her. “[In here] I’ll be the safest Psychotic B*tch in town,” Kat concludes.
On their way home from the tomb, Dr. Stefan, who’s ALWAYS up for the Sharing of Sappy Feelings, forces Elena to open up about what just went down. “Don’t shut me out,” he pleads with her.
Eventually, a tearful Elena breaks down, admitting that she was wrong in thinking that it was the Salvatore brothers’ arrival in Mystic Falls that put all of Elena’s friends in danger. “All of this is because of me,” explains Elena sadly.
As nice of a guy as he is, Stefan can’t bring himself to lie to Elena, and tell her that what she just said isn’t true. Because it TOTALLY is! So, he just gives her a sweet hug instead . . .
Damon takes another Road Trip . . .
While Elena is engaging in a Battle of Wits with Katherine (and losing terribly), Damon is back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome with Rose.
Of course, like EVERYBODY ELSE ON THIS SHOW, Rose, within minutes of meeting Damon, instantly recognizes his love for Elena. “I’m not in love with anyone,” Big Fat Liar Damon replies, getting up in Rose’s face just to prove how NOT in love he really is . . .
But enough of this mushy stuff.
especially since Elena is not there! After Rose admits to Damon that she summoned Old Vamp Elijah (who they both mistakenly think is dead) through a vampire friend living in Richmond, Damon suggests a road trip to visit this friend. Rose gently reminds Damon that, unlike him, SHE does not have an Ugly Ass Sunscreen Ring to help her brave the sun. This will make travel kind of difficult for her.
Well GEEZ, Rose! How have you been on Earth 500 years, and never once thought to get yourself an Ugly Ass Sunscreen Ring? VAMPIRE FAIL!
Nevertheless, Damon and Rose somehow make it to Richmond, without Rose burning to a crisp
unfortunately. There, they find this funky little cyber cafe, that LOOKS like it is completely sun exposed, but actually isn’t. (Don’t ask.) There, they meet Slater, Contacter of Elijah . . .
Though Slater is a vampire, he actually more closely resembles that DONKEY THING from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe . . .
He also takes the term “Professional Student” to a whole new level, having earned as many as 18 undergraduate degrees in varying subjects, and a few post-graduate ones, during his vampire life. To me, Slater comes off as kind of a
plot device know-it-all, rattling off to Damon and Rose an explanation as to why Klaus wants to break the Moonstone Curse.
If you recall from earlier episodes, the Moonstone Curse keeps vampires from being able to travel in sunlight, and keeps werewolves turning wolfish, every full moon. If one species breaks the curse, his or her whole race is free of it, while the opposing race will be bound by the curse forever.
Honestly? I’m not quite sure why it would be SO important for Klaus to break the curse at all, especially since Old Ass Vamps like him and Elijah seem to have no trouble walking in the sun, ANYWAY. However, I have never been one to sass my elders. So, I will not judge Klaus. I’m sure he has good reason for doing what he’s doing. (That . . . and he’d probably eat me, if he found out I was dissing on his motives).
But you know who I WILL diss on? Slater. You know how he contacts the Big Bad Elijah? He puts ads on CRAIGS LIST! Umm . . . yeah . . . I can’t really think of anything that says “Cool Vampire” less than Craigs List Old Ass Vampire Wanted posts. Then again, no one ever said Slater was a Cool Vampire.
“Coolness is overrated, anyway!”
Unfortunately, Slater doesn’t have very much time to prove his “coolness,” because Elijah’s outside “playing with his coins.”
And, for reasons, I don’t quite understand, that causes this to happen . . .
Now exposed to the sun and STILL without Ugly Ass Sunscreen Rings to protect them, Slater and Rose are suddenly in very serious risk of having their faces turn to THIS . . .
But, fortunately, SUPER DAMON is there to rescue them!
Well, at least he’s there to rescue Rose, by picking her up, wrapping her in his coat, and gallantly carrying her to safety. (Slater, he just kind of leaves alone to rot . . . Oops.)
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon is drinking as per usual . . .
And Rose is talking about her feelings, also as per usual. Somehow this leads to talk of turning off feelings, which leads to Damon and Rose having sex . . .
You see this picture? It DIDN’T come from this episode. You wanna now why? Because we BARELY saw Damon shirtless in this episode, despite the fact that he . . . HAD SEX DURING IT. You wanna know why? Because ROSE WAS ALWAYS IN THE WAY!
You can cry all you want, Rose. It’s not going to get you off my poopy list, any faster . . .
In a state of post coital
numbness bliss, Rose and Damon talk about how, despite their assertions to the contrary, vampires can’t really turn off their feelings. You know what that means, don’t you?
Oh, yeah! It’s still on, Delena fans!
At the end of the episode, Slater calls Rose, and tells her to tell Damon that they need a witch to break the Moonstone Curse. Later, we find out that Slater was compelled to say that. That’s right, boys and girls, Old Ass Vampires Like Elijah can compel younger vampires!
(This kind of makes me wonder why Elijah didn’t use compulsion the first time, he tried to kidnap Elena and met with vampiric opposition. But again, I don’t sass my elders, so . . .)
Elijah then compels Poor Slater to kill himself.
And it’s weird. Because, before he stakes himeslf, Slater KNOWS he’s being compelled to do it. So, he repeatedly says very Meta things like. “You’re compelling me to kill myself now. I don’t really want to kill myself. But I will, because you are making me. Here I go . . . killing myself . . . almost dead . . . almost . . . yeah, I’m dead.”
Knowing you’re being compelled, but not being able to fight it . . . Now that’s gotta suck. something FIERCE!
Did I mention that Elijah is in league with Luka’s creepy dad, Jonas the Warlock?
I KNEW I didn’t like that guy for a reason! Well, I hope you’re still cool, Little Richie from Family Matters . . .
While, there wasn’t NEARLY enough Delena in this episode for it to rank on my list of favorites, it does present some interesting plot points for the rest of the season. And it’s going to make the upcoming TVD hiatus seem all the more interminable. Hopefully, however, Naked Damon will help us cope, during this tough time.