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ONCE UPON A TIME: You Can’t Keep a Bad Witch Down!

(Cross posted at AgonyBooth.com)

Just what Storybrooke needs, another “reformed villain.” The town suddenly seems overrun with them. Jiminey Cricket is going to need to start a new support group soon . . . maybe even a halfway house. This week on Once, the Wicked Witch of the West gave up her ability to shoot green farts from her fingers for the greater good. Also this week, the Charmings fought over how bling-y Emma’s and Hook’s wedding should be, but still seem to have forgotten that they have another child. Be patient, Baby Neal. I’m sure in 28-years you’ll get all the parental love you so desperately need and deserve.

Let’s review, shall we?

The Heart of the Matter

Once upon a time, the Wicked Witch of the West was just a sweet ginger teen, who used her magic, to like help birds and stuff. But it turns out the good folks of Oz were super racist against magical people (or maybe they just had something against gingers), so they bullied Mini-Not-Yet-Wicked-Witch. Fortunately, this all-powerful magical being had a man to help her . . . a big burly teen with an axe. And everyone knows that crude weapons that require close contact with the victim in order to be effective are WAAAAYYYY more powerful than magical fingers that can turn you into a flying monkey from 100 yards away. So, away fled the bullies. Thus, a new (very temporary, but highly plot convenient) friendship was born between the Wicked Witch of the West and the dude who would eventually grow up to become the Tin Man.

Years later, a now grown and green-faced Wicked Witch of the West (whose magic knows no bounds, but still apparently needs servants to salt her deli meat dinners) is lounging alone in her castle when she receives a visitor. Why, it’s her old friend Guy With An Axe . . . except now he sort-of / kind of looks like the Tin Man! It turns out that the Wicked Witch of the North stole Tin Man’s heart (for fun, I guess?), and now he will turn entirely to tin if he doesn’t find a MacGuffin in the middle of the forest to cure him.

(Huh? I thought when evil people stole your heart out of your chest, you became their personal puppet, not their personal oil can. Why are you changing the rules on me, Show?)

Anyway, Wicked Witch agrees to help the Tin Man Formerly Known as Guy with an Axe to find his MacGuffin, because she was given the day off from her usual job of terrorizing munchkins and lollipop kids, and had nothing better planned. Everything goes well at first! The Wicked Witch even rescues the Tin Man Formerly Known as Guy with an Axe from being eaten by Scar from The Lion King! She does this by shooting green farts from her fingers at Scar, and turning him into the Cowardly Lion. (We feel you, Scar. Being farted on is super traumatic! Who knew that all this time the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz was just suffering a mild case of PTSD brought on by stinky gas?)

Things go south, when the Wicked Witch finds the MacGuffin and learns that, in order to get the Tin Man’s heart back, she has to imbue the object with all of her powers, thus giving up her green fart fingers forever. (Or, she could just, you know, go to the Wicked Witch of the North, fight her, and take the heart back by force, but whatever!) Not willing to give up her powers for her friend, the Wicked Witch abandons Guy with an Axe, just as his transformation into a giant oil can becomes complete. Then, the Wicked Witch goes back to her castle to eat the deli meats that have been sitting out on her dining room table for hours, getting cold and probably catching flies. Now, that’s just unsanitary . . .

Then again, considering this is the same character whose storybook demise literally involved forcing her to take a shower, I guess it’s kind of par for the course.

Why You Should Never Hire Snow White to Plan Your Wedding . . .

Back in the present day. Emma and Hook are making pancakes, tongue kissing and fondling one another in a way that says (1) “we had great sex last night;” and (2) “we are about to get started on Round 2.” So, of course, Snow White has to barge into the couple’s home and ruin everything. Hey Snow, while you are so busy keeping Emma from getting a Little Hook in her (see what I did there?), you might want to consider the fact that your newborn baby hasn’t had a diaper change in about three months. I mean, you probably aren’t feeding him, so that helps a bit with waste minimization. But still!

“Too bad, you get none. Gawd, you are so needy!”

Anyway, Snow White is apparently into scrapbooking! (Twenty-eight years of teaching eight-year olds to build the exact same bird house every day will do that to a person!) Snow has lots of ideas for Hook’s and Emma’s wedding. “The apocalypse can wait,” exclaims Snow. “We’ve got ten seasons of Say Yes to the Dress on DVR to watch!”

And so, instead of spending the episode figuring out how to defeat the Black Fairy, Emma and the rest of her family, at Snow White’s behest, fill the hour scouting wedding venues. Snow’s top pick: Granny’s Diner, the exact same place where the groom temporarily died a couple seasons ago. But worse than that, it’s a diner. So tacky!

Prince Charming is not down with this choice of venue at all. “My daughter is a princess. She’s not having a wedding that’s the Storybrooke equivalent of a kid’s birthday party at McDonalds.”

Charming is also not cool with Emma having her wedding at town hall. He makes some rather snide comments about its poor lighting and shoddy paint job, before storming off. Prince Charming = Wedding Venue Snob, who knew?

“If my daughter gets married in a diner, I’ll never be able to show my face in the country club that Storybrooke doesn’t have again!”

He’s totally right about the diner, though . . .

The Lesser of Two Evils . . .

While the rest of the town is suffering from Wedding Fever, the Wicked Witch, to her credit, seems like the only one actually interested in defeating this season’s Big Bad! When the Black Fairy shows up at the Wicked Witch’s house and sort of/kind of threatens to eat her baby, if she doesn’t go over to the dark side (Well, I mean, technically, the Wicked Witch is already on the dark side, so, I guess, the darker side?), the lady in green is mad as hell, and she isn’t going to take it anymore!

Regina tells the Wicked Witch to slow her roll, and not be so hasty about murdering the Black Fairy, who is currently holed up in the dwarf mines. “We have four episodes left in the season . . . relax!” She tells her sister.

But the Wicked Witch will not relax! And she will not wait until Snow White plans an entire wedding for Emma at Chuckie Cheese to murder the lady who wants to eat her kid. (For all we know, the Black Fairy may have already eaten Baby Neal, and put a spell on the Charmings and the series writers, so they would forget he existed! That would explain so much!)

“Unlike the rest of you wackos, I actually like my baby! I do not want him served with french fries and a side of ketchup as the main dish at Emma’s wedding.”

So, the Wicked Witch drops off her baby at Belle’s house for safe keeping, trying desperately to ignore the fact that Belle recently managed to lose her own baby five minutes after giving birth to it. (She’s still the best babysitter in town though, scarily enough.) Then, our villain / heroine (villoine?) heads to the dwarf mines to defeat the Black Fairy.

Inside the dwarf mines, as it turns out, the Black Fairy and Stepford Gideon are farming white magic crystals. When the Wicked Witch confronts the Black Fairy and tries to green fart finger her to death, the latter turns the tables on the former, by using the witch’s own magic to turn all the white magic crystals to dark magic ones. This just so happens to be the first step in the Black Fairy’s “How to Start and Apocalypse” handbook. Who knew?

When Regina finds out how royally her prodigal sister screwed things up again, she tells the Wicked Witch to take her baby and leave town for good.

“Damn you, sis, and your attempts to move along plots faster. Don’t you know this show is on the verge of cancellation?”

But the Wicked Witch has other plans . . .

In Which The Wicked Witch Becomes Just Some Lady Who Really Likes to Wear Green . . .

The Wicked Witch uses her magic to bring a green fart tornado to Storybrooke. But that green fart tornado just so happens to be carrying a very important item. By golly, it’s the MacGuffin from the flashback! You know, the one that saps all the Wicked Witch’s powers! The Wicked Witch decides to use the MacGuffin to suck up all her powers, thereby turning the black magic crystals back to white magic ones, and undoing the Start of the Apocalypse (at least for three more episodes).

Regina and Emma are super proud of the Wicked Witch for giving up her powers to save the world, for now. But they may feel differently when they need someone to make them a green fart, and no one is around to do it . . .

In other news, the clan decides to use one of the newly restored white magic crystals from the dwarf mines to wake up the Blue Fairy from her coma. Emma and Co. are hoping that the Blue Fairy can give them intel they can use to defeat the Black Fairy. Yeeeaaaaaah. . . . probably not. For one thing, the Blue Fairy is super shady, and will most definitely end up being the season’s surprise Bigger Bad. For another, her only current talents on the show seem to be losing babies, getting cursed by villains, and making judgmental faces at people, in that order.

Resting . . . er I mean . . . Flying Bitch Face

But hey, all logical reasoning and common sense aside, you keep dreaming big, Emma and Co! You may live to see a seventh season yet . . .

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