Let’s Talk about that cat from The Night Of

(Note: This post has been cross-posted at my new home Agony Booth!  Check it out!)

 

 

(Warning: This post contains some spoilers from the HBO summer series The Night Of, lots of cat pictures, and one or two very gross pictures of John Turturro’s feet.)

Based on the hit British crime procedural/mystery miniseries entitled Criminal Justice, and a posthumous passion project of the late Tony Soprano himself, James Gandolfini, The Night Of definitely raised a lot of eyebrows this summer, with its unflinching look at the criminal justice system and perhaps overly intense fascination with actor John Turturro’s foot fungus problem.

For some, The Night Of was about the inherent injustice of our criminal justice system, which places what many would consider an undue burden on everyone from low-end beat cops to district attorneys, demanding they craft a case that ends in the conviction of their chief suspect, even if that means purposefully turning a blind eye toward exculpatory evidence.

For others, The Night Of was about our prison system and its penchant for creating criminals and nurturing criminal instincts, before spitting half these guys back out onto the streets without the resources they need to do anything but commit crimes again, or, in the case of the wrongfully accused, commit them for the first time.

Still others felt like this was just the story of a kind-of-nerdy college kid who really, really should have stayed home from that “cool party” to which he garnered a surprise invitation.

I imagine there were others who thought the story was all about foot fungus. Because there was a lot of foot fungus in this story. Seriously.

And all those people would be wrong. Sorry, but it’s true.

The Night Of was actually the story of One Brave Cat…

Placed outside out of harm’s way by the victim of our tale mere moments before her brutal demise in the pilot episode (did she know what was coming? Did she save the cat because she couldn’t save herself?), this nameless orange tabby begins the series in a rather precarious position, alone and afraid in a world where literally nobody knows her name (she never gets one throughout the series; in fact, I’m not even entirely sure she’s female since it’s never stated outright, but I’m taking creative liberties here), and everybody seems allergic to her natural musk. (I’ve never watched a series where so many of the main characters suffered from severe cat allergies! What was up with that?)

Though a few kindly cops leave our nameless feline heroine a bowl of milk and some kibble just outside the gory crime scene, it becomes immediately clear that no one is coming to claim this orphaned kitty.  Not the victim’s douchebag stepdad, nor her accountant ex-boyfriend (though in the end, I guess that ends up being a good thing), nor her drug-dealing waiter pal from down the block.

Enter attorney John Stone, he of the really gross feet, cat allergies, and penchant for sleeping with prostitutes/hanging out around the local county lockup to fish for new clients. At first, these two beings seem like the least likely of allies.

In fact, John’s first main overture toward our Brave Cat is to drop it off at the local kill shelter, where the teen working the desk admits the little guy will likely be euthanized in ten days because he’s “old and ugly”.

NOOOOOOOO! Oh the humanity/felinity of living amidst a superficial and ageist world! We’ve all been there, am I right?

Fortunately, John Stone is nothing if not a sucker for a lost cause. See: Nazir Khan, the boy he fished out of a lockup, only to learn that he was found near the scene of a brutal murder with what appears to be the murder weapon, covered in the victim’s blood, and his sperm all over both the victim and her bed.

So, despite his allergies, John decides to take a chance on our Brave Cat… albeit temporarily. “It’s not a pardon, just a stay of execution,” John insists to the teen, as he walks out with cat carrier in hand.

At this point, Brave Cat will take whatever she can get!

And admittedly, at first it’s not much. John’s cat allergies are so severe that he can’t be in the room with Brave Cat without gloves and a face mask. So the gross-footed attorney with the heart of gold relegates himself to sliding food, toys, and the occasional newly cleaned litter box into the closed guest room that’s become Brave Cat’s slightly swankier prison than the kill shelter, before heading out to: (1) defend our protagonist, (2) sleep with his favorite hooker, and/or (3) see one of his many foot specialists about the darn fungus.

But Brave Cat perseveres, keeping her spirits up, even when things seem to be at their bleakest, by sneaking into John’s bed for an ill-advised cuddle during one particularly lonely night.

Then come the dark days, when Nazir’s trial has reached its lowest point and a bereft John lashes out at the nearest party. We see him tossing Brave Cat’s toys and litter box in the trash and dumping the poor gal back at the kill shelter for a second time.

“NOOOOO,” says the teen working at the front desk, who has become as invested in this feline’s story as we all have!

And that’s the last we see of Brave Cat for a while.

We go through the conclusion of Nazir’s trial, and Stone’s rousing closing argument, and the jury being hung, and the D.A. refusing to re-prosecute because she knows the creepy ex-boyfriend accountant did it anyway, and Nazir being released, and us thinking the guy from Boardwalk Empire is going to kill him as he’s leaving jail, but he doesn’t kill him because he really likes him even though he got him hooked on drugs and had him become an actual accessory to murder in prison and stuff.

And all I’m thinking about this whole time is, “WHAT THE HECK IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO BRAVE CAT? DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING, DARN SHOW! I NEED ANSWERS, AND I NEED THEM NOW, DAMMIT!”

And then we get to the final scene. John Stone is back in his apartment, watching that Sarah McLachlan commercial. You know the one, with all the super-sad animals staring at the camera to the tune of that super-depressing “Angel” song. And John is crying, of course. Because anyone who can watch that commercial and not cry has no soul. (Then again, maybe he’s just crying because his feet are really itchy.)

John rises from his chair, and as the end credits roll, all of us viewers watching at home are thinking the same thing: “He’s going to go get Brave Cat back! He’s totally going to rescue Brave Cat!”

John leaves the house, and then it looks like the series is going to end on the biggest cliffhanger of all, because we the audience are still stuck inside John’s apartment and don’t get to follow him out the door! I mean, Brave Cat is literally hanging from a metaphorical cliff at this moment in the story. And I’m trying to mentally prepare for this as I watch, telling myself that it’s okay, because I can imagine in my head that John did go back and get Brave Cat, whether or not they actually show the act of doing so. This is what I’m going to need to do, if I want to go on living my normal life, after this show ends…

But then, just a second before the screen fades to black, a familiar puff of orange waddles across the frame. It’s Brave Cat! She’s been there all along! And better yet, now she’s allowed to leave that darn room! Severe cat allergies be damned!

Life is good! There is a god! Prayer works, people!

Sure, things aren’t all rosy at the end of The Night Of: Nazir has a drug problem, his community hates him, that nice lawyer lady lost her job because she made out with him (but surprisingly not because she smuggled drugs into prison for him in her bra). But that’s okay, because Brave Cat is alive and well in John Stone’s house.

Personally, I think we all can learn a lot from Brave Cat’s story, a tale of bravery, true grit, and how sometimes we can find hope and salvation in the strangest of places: amongst the most disgusting of feet.

And cat allergies? Totally curable. Just saying.

MOUNTAIN ASSSSHHHHHHHH! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 2 Finale “Master Plan”

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Greetings, Werebangers!  Though it was a bit cartoony at times, and there were a few too many “plot-sicles” (Yes, I just made up a new word.) left hanging by the end of the hour for my taste, “Master Plan” was nothing if not entertaining.  The hour was jam packed with no less than FIVE potential deaths (though two of them just so happened to be by the same person), one breakup, one makeup, one surprise twist that resulted in the most unintentionally hilarious shouting of the words “MOUNTAIN ASH,” I suspect I will ever hear in my lifetime, one massive supernatural brawl to the tune of the series’ theme song, and a beautifully well-lit extended shot of Colton Hayne’s ass . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty thanks to my pal Andre, who’s kickass screencaps are the Shiny Key that keeps me from turning into a Snot-Secreting Giant Killer Lizard, each week. :)]

In which everyone thinks that Jackson is dead (but we know he’s SNOT) . . .

“Let’s see . . . so far, this series, you’ve made a claw come out of my mouth, black blood come out of my ears, a snake come out of my eyeball, green scales come out of my neck, a tail come out of my ass, and now THIS.  Can’t a guy temporarily die in peace?”

When we last left our favorite boy vengeance lizard, he had just attempted reptil-icide, by clawing out his insides in the middle of a lacrosse field.  (Now, if that doesn’t constitute a game penalty, I don’t know what does!)

Shortly thereafter, the medics arrive to cart away the seemingly DOA Jackson and his decidedly Swiss-Cheese looking tummy.  Being the “kind and generous” soul she is, Mama McCall volunteers to ride in the ambulance with him.

“Ooh!  Can I come along?  Can I?  Can I?  This is the most lines of dialogue I’ve had all season!“

Now, normally, this would be against ambulance policy.  But hey!  It’s not like his actual parents (1) are present; (2) know, or seem to give two leaping lizards (See what I did there?), about the fact that their son might be future worm food.  (For the record, I’d like to think that if I randomly started spending my evenings as a big green ugly monster / mass murderer, my parents would sense something was up enough to at least wonder whether I was “on drugs.”)

“In my defense, Jackson is not my biological son.  Tyler Lockwood from The Vampire Diaries is my Real Son.  (And I didn’t give two craps about him, either).”

So, Mama McCall is graciously invited along for the trip!

Later, we are at the morgue.  And Mama McCall is still hanging out with Dead?Jackson!  (OH, honey, I know he’s pretty.  And I know you’re lonely.  But, trust me, girl.  You really can do better than an under-aged half-lizard corpse encased in a cocoon of snot . . .)

“I just want to be loved, dammit!  Love me, Dead Snot MAN!”

Oh, that’s right!  I haven’t even gotten to the part about the snot yet!  You see, I’ve come to the conclusion that every episode of Teen Wolf must, as a rule, contain at least one moment that will cause me to gag uncontrollably.  In “Master Plan,” this was the first of three . . .

As if it wasn’t nauseating enough that Jackson’s been leaking more mucus than Sneezy the Dwarf, this season, now he’s literally covered in the stuff.  (Yes, yes . . . I’m aware that it’s supposed to be “venom.”  But it sure as heck looks like snot to me!)

Frightened, and more than a little bit grossed out, Mama McCall, who, last I checked, was not a medical examiner, calls her son and his new f*&k buddy bestie, Isaac — who are also not medical examiners, so that the three of them can all stand around and gawk at Jackson’s naked, booger-covered, corpse.

“I can’t believe I gave up tickets to The Dark Knight Rises for this . . .”

Now, that’s what I call Family Bonding . . .

One thing can be said about Jeff Davis and Co.  They definitely know all the tricks in the book, when it comes to creating a Good Scare Moment.  And they do so here, as Mama McCall unzips Jackson’s body bag very . . . verrrry . . . slooooowwwwly . . .

What’s the matter Mama McCall, afraid of waking Mr. Snotty Pants?

Oops . . . too late.

Question out there to anyone who knows “stuff” about lizards.  Do they really have teeth like that?  Because . . . yuck.

Anywhoo . . . Mama McCall zips that body bag back up faster than you can say, “lizard dentures.”  Of course, it’s uncertain whether Mommy Dearest does this more because she’s afraid of getting eaten by those rotted chompers, or because Jackson is suffering from a wicked case of post-death Halitosis . . .

In which Stiles gets his ass handed to him by a dying old geezer, for no logical reason (but it still makes us cry) . . .

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Elsewhere, Stiles gets literally thrown into the Argent’s basement by some faceless Roid-head type.  (Geez!  How many Argents are there in this town?  Because I’m starting to think that these guys could give that wacky Duggar family a run for their money when it comes good old fashioned baby-making . . .  Come to think of it, maybe that’s why Allison only dates Scott.  Maybe he’s the only guy in town to whom she’s sure she’s not related!)

After belly flopping on the hard cold ground (What’s the matter?  Couldn’t spring for carpeting Argents?  Is money really that tight in the werewolf murder business?), Stiles finds himself face to face with the Argent’s newest tree ornaments, Boyd and Erica, who are quickly eclipsing Stiles, as the most consistently physically abused members of this cast . . .

This whole “being a werewolf” thing sounded a whole lot better in the instructional pamphlet . . .

Through some random exposition, we learn that the reason this loveable were-pair is currently dangling from the Argent’s ceiling, is that they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity.  And the reason they are getting slowly charbroiled by bolts of electricity, is because Jeff Davis secretly loves torture porn because this apparently keeps them from wolfing out.  (This kind of makes me wonder why Derek didn’t use the same tactic, when he was trying to nurse his cubs through their first Full Moon together, a few weeks back.  Then again, if he had done that, it might have actually worked we probably wouldn’t have gotten to see this . . .

Oh hey!  Gerard has joined this party!  He’s come to emasculate Poor Stiles, by showing him that he can, in fact, be beaten up by a 98-year old (or, whatever age this guy is).

“I totally OWNED that young whipper snapper!”

Seriously, Teen Wolf?  Isn’t it bad enough that all Stiles’ friends are supernatural superheroes, and he never gets laid?  Now, you’ve got to have him SH*TCANNED by Oldies?  What’s next?  Is Betty White going to pop by give him a few drop kicks, and a punch in the face?

What made the scene even more difficult to watch was the fact that Stiles didn’t even try to fight back . . . not in the least.  This, actually got me thinking . . . to all you male viewers out there, who patently refuse to hit women (which, I sincerely, hope, is ALL of you Y chromosome owners), do you utilize the same standard when it comes to male geezers?  If so, at what age does it become patently immoral to clock an oldie in the face with your fist?   I’m serious.  I’d like to know your thoughts on this issue . . .

Now, I guess it’s safe to assume that the Argents kidnapped Boyd and Erica, in hopes of torturing them into giving up Derek’s location.  However, Gerard’s reasoning for hijacking Stiles is a bit more murky.  Was he meant to be used as bait for Derek or Scott?  Because it kind of seems like Grandpa just knocked the kid around a few times, and sent him packing . . .

“So yeah, I’m going to head on home now.  If you need anything, just yell . . . oh, wait, nevermind . . .”

That said — and I know I’m a totally awful person for saying this – but Beat-up!Stiles looked kind of sexy . .  . like Brad Pitt in Fight Club sexy.  I mean, he was dinged up just enough that you would felt bad for him, but not enough that it really messed up his adorable face.  Clearly, the makeup department Gerard has a talent for giving people attractive bruises . . .

Don’t be sad, Stiles.  Chicks dig scars . . .

Anyway, Stiles came home and had a tearful reunion with Papa Stilinski, so that we could all meet our Teen Wolf Weekly Cry Quota.

And then our snarky hero pretty much moped around in his room for three-quarters of the episode.  (Hey, you’d be bummed out too, if you just got the poop kicked out of you by a 109-year old!)

I’m never helping old people cross the street ever again!

At least, that’s what he did, until a Special Someone entered his bedroom .  . .

In which Stiles and Lydia, once again, remind us why we should shop at Macy’s  . . .

Be still my beating hard, Lydia is in Stiles’ bedroom at night.  And we all remember what happened when Stiles was in Lydia’s bedroom, back in Season 1, don’t we?

*grumbles* I’m not going to mince words here.  This scene was a major cock tease (and female equivalent) for Stiles and Lydia fans.

In fact, when it comes to cock teases, this scene almost rivals that one time we almost got to see Stiles without his shirt on in sheer cock teasiness . . .

I mean, it just had so much potential!  Think about it.  The couple is alone in the bedroom.  They are both feeling emotionally raw and vulnerable . . .  It could have been EPIC.

It wasn’t . . .

Things started off promising enough, with Lydia, the “Beautiful Crier,” beautifully crying as she stares, with puppy dog eyes at Stiles and his oh so sexy Fight Club face wounds . . .

“Come on!  Kiss me, you fool.  This is the stuff fanfictions are made of!”

Except, she’s not crying for Stiles . . .

Remember that time when Jackson asked Lydia for the key to his house back?  But she never got around to actually giving it back to him, because they started making out, and then he TURNED INTO A LIZARD?

Well, Lydia certainly remembers.  And now that Jackson might be dead, she really wants to give him his key.  After all, he’s a Possibly Dead Guy.  And when you are a Possibly Dead Guy, you just never know when your Not-Biological Parents are going to send you invitations to family dinner.  And when you get those invitations, you’re going to need a key . . . because . . . they aren’t going to let you in, once they see how badly you’ve decomposed . . .

“Dead Guys need home cooked meals sometimes too!”

Let’s get back to that key in a minute, because Lydia has suddenly become distracted by the need to be in this week’s obnoxiously obvious Macy’s commercial shiny objects . . . and by shiny objects I mean REALLY BIG MACY’S BAGS (Show the label, MTV!  You have to show the label, like you’ve done for these past two weeks.  Otherwise it doesn’t count!) filled with really small items of jewelry.

“Hi Teen Wolf fans.  Check out my MACY’S bags.  Because I shop at MACY’S.  Yes, MACY’S.  (Nod and smile, or I’ll have to show them to you again.)”

“Ah-ha!”  Stydia fans say!  Now, we will finally learn what was IN THAT BOX . . . You know the one, don’t you?

Yep, that’s the one . . .

Except, we don’t . . .

But we do get to find out what things Stiles ended up not giving Lydia for her birthday, which, included, among other things, a whole lot of jewelry from Macy’s!  Remind them that it’s from MACY’S!, and . . . wait for it . . . a massively large Flatscreen TV . . .

“Hey Lydia, I bought you a TV, so that you can watch Teen Wolf, and learn what an idiot you are for choosing Jackson over Stiles.“

(They must pay single-parent sheriffs really well in Beacon Hills.  Because, last I checked, Stiles doesn’t have a job . . . not even one of the dinky, embarrassingly low-paying ones, most of us end up getting in high school.)

Anyway, call me tremendously naive, because I truly believed that Lydia would be touched enough to kiss Stiles, when she saw all these un-given gifts . . .

But NOOOOOO . . . she just wanted to talk about getting Jackson that DAMN KEY!  I was MAD!

Stiles was mad too, which was why he yelled at her . . . in that sexually tense, “I’m yelling at you, because I’m feeling very emotional right now, and I secretly want to jump your bones” kind of way . . .

“Stop moping about your stupid key, and look at my sexy face wound! NOW!”

Because Stiles hates the idea of Lydia putting Jackson’s life before her own.  He finds it selfish  . . . that’s right, I said selfish, because, by putting his life before her own, Lydia is presenting the rest of the world with the very real possibility of having to cope with her eventual death, just like Papa Stilinski (and, I guess, Scott, if he wasn’t busy doing other things) had to cope with Stiles being kidnapped and drop kicked by a 506-year old man . . .

See, it all comes full circle . . .

Now, me?  If someone was yelling at me like that, all fiery and passionate, and caring and stuff, I totally would have kissed him . . . .

Lydia?  She left . . .

It’s time for Dad to come back to give Stiles another pep talk about being “The Hero,” even though his version of “The Hero” always seems to get beaten up, rejected, ignored in favor of lizardy douchebags, and never gets laid . . .

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Spiderman and Batman would definitely not approve.  But the sentiment was still very nice, Papa Stilinski.  You get an “A” for effort.

Your words also might have ultimately convinced Stiles to do the very selfless and heroic thing he ended up doing toward the end of the episode.  But more on that later . . .

In which Peter goes from Psychotic Murderous Gorilla-Thing Alpha to Derek Hale’s Wisecracking Yoda, in two episodes flat . . .

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Now, I love me some sexy, undead, Peter Hale.  So, I’m not going to complain.  But since when does coming back from the dead, through an elaborate scheme that involves possessing a teenager, drugging a bunch of high school kids, and having your nephew’s unconscious body dragged across town, result in a Complete Personality Transplant?

Are we really supposed to believe that Uncle Peter, who, last season was Mad as Heck and KILLING EVERYONE, really went through all this trouble to come back to life, just so that he can be a Wise Snarky Sidekick for Derek Hale?

After all, our Scooby Gang already has a Velma (Stiles), and a Guy Who Spouts Off Random Expository Mythological Mumbo Jumbo When Necessary (the Vet).  So, what exactly is Peter Hale bringing to the table, this time around (aside from his SASSY, of course ;))?

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No matter.  This week, Peter is helpful, with his surprise hidden laptop, that just so happens to show the real reason Jackson is currently encased in snot.

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Apparently, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, Jackson is a Beta Kanaima, turning into an Alpha Kanaima . . .   Also, like a butterfly, he’s going to HAVE WINGS . . .

Peter even found an animation of it, which he isn’t going to show you, because it’s Too Hot for TV . . .

I don’t know, given the fact that Jackson never actually TURNED into an Alpha Kanaima just like no one actually BECAME the kanaima, just because they broke the Rules of the Kanaima, as was hinted a few episodes back, I would have at least liked to have seen the video.  Wouldn’t you?

In which Allison sasses her dad / has Evil!Hair . . .

Allison shares with her dad her best impersonation of THAT gymnast . . .

Speaking of sh*t we didn’t see, we never did find out what was in that letter that made Allison become such an uber b*tch.  At this point in the story, we are led to believe that Allison is well aware of at least a good portion of Gerard’s wacko plans, including his kidnapping / electro-shock therapy of Boyd and Erica, his manipulation of the Kanaima, maybe even his kidnapping Stiles.  And, much like the honey badger, she just “don’t care” . . .

She also doesn’t care for her father trying to talk some sense into her, by kindly explaining that she’s become Grandpa Slave just as much as Kanaima Jackson has . . .

Given the way she’s been treating everyone lately, I’m kind of glad Daddy Dearest broke her stupid crossbow.  B*tch totally deserved it . . .

Chris Argent – He may not be as warm and cuddly as Sheriff Stilinski (but he does drive a faster car) . . .

As the only remaining Argent who hasn’t lost his marbles at this point in the story, Papa Argent earns major points this week for freeing Boyd and Erica, and, ultimately, allying with Team Scooby, to stop Grandpa Crazy Pants and intercept the Kanaima.  He even gave part of the gang a ride to the Warehouse, where Jackson was being held, in his uber-fast Mid Life Crisis Car . . .

Rumble in the Were-House!

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for . . . the Battle Royale, in which Lizards, Werewolves and Hunters all assume their true form, and inexplicably kick the crap out of one another to the tune of the show’s theme song, for three glorious minutes, while Peter just kind of hides in the backround, and makes funny faces.

“What, and mess up this hairdo?  Seriously!”

There’s a twist though.  The fight ends with the kanaima GRABBING ALLISON, even though the two were supposedly on the same team.

“Come on!  Don’t you think we make a cute couple?”

That’s right, Werebangers.  It’s that time again . . . for the Big Bad Villain to give his Big Bad Villain Speech, and explain the REAL reason, why he’s been doing all these Big Bad Things, all season long.

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As it turns out, Grandpa Argent didn’t come to town to avenge his daughter’s death at all . . . and he didn’t link to the kanaima to kill Derek.  Truth be told, Grandpa Werewolf Hater . . . he who was so quick to convince Papa Argent to kill his wife, has really been going through all this trouble to . . . wait for it. . . force Scott to force Derek to turn the old man into a WEREWOLF . . .

SCOTT: “Come on, lay one on him!”

DEREK: “But I don’t WANNA!  He’s wrinkly.  Can’t I give Stiles a hickey instead?”

How’s that for a surprise!  You know how Grandpa has been popping those pills all season, well, basically that’s because he’s dying of cancer.  And he won’t be dying of cancer, anymore, if he becomes a werewolf . . . even if that would make him the thing he hates most in this world . . .

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Seemingly trapped, we see Scott force Derek to give the geezer the bite.  The latter raises his teeth-marked arm in triumph . . .

“Huzzah!  I’m bleeding black blood!  HOORAY . . . wait . . . what?”

 . . . and then all that gross black sh*t starts spurting out of every orifice of his body, and I become nauseated for the third time this hour . . .

Now, this is how those Grumpy Old Men movies SHOULD have ended . . .

BUT WHY?  You might be wondering . . .

Because, my friends . . . wait for it . . . SCOTT HAD A PLAN!

This for me is the most surprising twist of the episode, that Scott did something kind of smart for once in his life . . . though, actually, I imagine it was mostly the Vet’s idea.  Of course, Scott at least gets credit for SMELLING Grandpa’s death, just like Isaac smelled it on that cute puppy a few weeks back . . .

Through flashbacks, we learn that Scott and the Vet have secretly been filling Gerard’s cancer pills with .. . wait for it . . .

AHHH!  MY FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE.  Come on!  How could you NOT laugh at that?  That’s friggin hilarious.  Here, let’s watch it again . . .

Then Grandpa Crazy Pants drops to the ground in a black bloody mess.  And we THINK he’s dead.  But he’s actually just heading out to play a good ole game of “Hide and Seek.”  See you next season, ya Wackadoodle . . .

In which Lydia and Jackson have their “Yellow Crayon” Moment (and we are annoyed on Stiles’ behalf) . . .

Named after a scene from Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which a temporarily EVIL!Willow, is brought back from the brink, by her pal reminding her of that one time in band camp, when she stuck a flute up her p*ssy that time in kindergarten when she cried over a broken yellow crayon, because crying over broken yellow crayons =’s HUMANITY with a capital “H,” Yellow Crayon Moments are ones where one TV character helps another regain his or her grip on reality through the use of a seemingly useless, but highly symbolic totem . . . you know . . . kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio’s spinning top in Inception except, not like that at all . . .

Off-screen, Stiles must have changed his mind about the whole “Hero” thing, because he ends up bringing Lydia to the warehouse after all.  She gives Jackson his key.

“What, no flat screen TV?  Cheap B*tch!”

The pair then flashback to “better days” . . .  you know, when Lydia and Jackson could bone regularly without fear of Jackson turning green and scaly, or Lydia, screaming like a banshee and running naked around the forest . . .

Apparently, this boning flashback is supposed to symbolize TRUE LOVE . . .

So, Jackson turns human again. HOORAY!

Annnnnd . . . then Derek and Peter stab him from both sides, and, presumably, kill him . . .

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Are you ticklish?  I bet you are!  *tickle, tickle, tickle*  Oops!  Damn claws!”

Lydia kneels at his side, reminding him that, yes, she still loves his green scaly, serial killing self.  We’ll miss you, Jackson!  Have fun in Heaven . . . except, under the circumstances, that’s probably not where you’re going . . .

Buuuuut, suddenly,  Jackson’s back up again, to the tune of triumphant music.  Now, his ass lit up like the SUN!  It’s GLORIOUS!

“I’m too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to be a kanaima . . . too sexy to . . . something that rhymes with kanaima (enema?)”

Or, as Glorious as Ex-Kanaima Butt Porn can be . . .

You see, Jackson found his identity, he’s REBORN as a WEREWOLF . . . a BLUE-EYED werewolf, like the Hales, not a GOLD-EYED one like everyone else . . .

“Now, I’m BEAUTIFUL!”

Now, is this because of the whole “rebirth” thing, or does it have something to do with Jackson’s lineage?  Tune in next season to find out . . .

Oh, I almost forgot, Jackson and Lydia are back together again.  And they are PDA-ing all over the place, while Stiles is stuck watching . . .

Seriously, dude just CANNOT catch a break, this week . . .

In which a bunch of other random stuff happens to set us up for next season . . .

I remember, back in the day, watching that third Lord of the Rings movie, and just cracking up, because the damn thing just NEVER EVER ended . . . every time the screen faded to black, I was up and out of my seat like an Olympic sprinter, ready to dash out of the theater and beat the post-3.5 hour movie potty line . . . and every single time, I was rewarded for my patience with YET ANOTHER FINAL SCENE.  There, were like ten of them . . . I may, or may not have ended up peeing in my pants . . .

Why am I telling you this?  Because this was precisely how Jeff Davis chose to end Season 2 of Teen Wolf .  . . that sneaky bastard.  First, we got the scene with Boyd and Erica surrounded by werewolves, doing that butt wiggle thing Derek does so well .  . .

Then, we learn from Peter Hale that those werewolves are actually a PACK OF ALPHA’S (though none of them look like Peter’s Gorilla Alpha . . . weird) out to reclaim their territory.

THEN, Allison breaks up with Scott, and he’s surprisingly chill about the whole thing.  (Oh, P.S. She’s not evil anymore.)

“No worries . . . I’ll just go shopping for a new girlfriend . . . at MACY’S.”

Then, the Vet and the Guidance Counselor have one of their annoyingly cryptic conversations, while clad in this show’s trademark black leather jackets, while dipping their gloved hands in Gerard’s nasty black blood . . .

He’d much rather show you another finger, but this is a family blog  . . .

FINALLY . . . Stiles and Scott . . . um . . . play lacrosse together? No, seriously, that’s actually how it ended. 🙂

And that was “Master Plan” in a nutshell.  And that was our Season.  I wanted to thank all of you guys who shared it with me, whether it was through your kickass comments, or just by reading my inane ramblings, every once in a while (even if you skipped the boring parts :)).  It’s truly been a blast!  See ya next season, Werebangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles and Team Derek tees!]

Hooked on Phonics Worked for Elena! (But Not for Elijah) – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Dinner Party”

ELENA:  So when it comes to being super hot, and killing supernatural creatures, like it’s your job, you both get A’s.  But as far as reading comprehension and following directions go?  YOU TWO FAIL .  . . MISERABLY!

DAMON:  I am so Hot for Teacher, right now . . .

STEFAN: Is this going to be on the exam?  Because I’ve been in high school for 140 years.  And I’d really like to graduate some time within the next century . . .

It’s not often that you get a supernatural teen television drama, that also stresses the importance of careful READING.  And yet, that’s exactly what this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries taught us.  Though the hour arguably ended “happily” unless you are Elijah, of course (I MISS MY ELIJAH ALREADY!), what happened to our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang this week should serve as a cautionary tale to all of us.   And the moral of the “story” is this:  Terrible things happen to people (and vampires) who fail to READ BETWEEN THE LINES . . . or, in some cases, the LIES.

In other news, all those fans out there who complained that Elena Gilbert is a “wimpy” / “whiny” heroine — who refuses to fight for herself — are currently enjoying “dessert,” right now . . .

Mmmmm . . . crow . . . yummy!

Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?

Dark Stefan –  The Prequel (A Jonathan Gilbert Story)

Dear Diary,

Today I OWNED every vampire and human on this show.  So, if anybody EVER compares me to Bella Swan again, I will shove my Original’s Killing Dagger SO FAR UP THEIR ASSES, they will wish they were NEVER BORN . . .

Hugs and Kisses,

Elena

When the episode begins, believe it or not, Stefan and Elena are STILL on their “Romantic Getaway” at the Gilbert Lakehouse.  Even after a fun-filled evening of being stalked, shot at, and held at gun point by a bunch of rabid and drooling werewolves, Stefan and Elena somehow still remain under the assumption that they can salvage their “vacation.”  Their idealism is either really inspiring, or incredibly disturbing.  I’m not sure which . . .

Then again, it’s entirely possible that the only reason this couple is sticking around the Lakehouse, is that they dread sharing a car with one another, for the long ride back to Mystic Falls.  After all, tensions have been high, and interactions icy, ever since Stefan found out that Elena plans to kill herself (via Santa Klaus-icide) to save the rest of the Scooby Gang from further harm.  In other words, there has most certainly been NO SEX in the Lakehouse Champagne Room!

This would probably explain why I found THESE in Stefan’s underwear, last night . . .

“Scientifically” speaking, I’m not even sure THIS can happen to vampires.  But if it CAN, it probably happened to Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

Anyway, after their fight, Elena and Stefan are keeping a safe distance from one another.  As for Stefan, he is out on the dock, gossiping, like a little school girl, with his Big Bro Damon . . .

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DAMON:  “And that Dorky Werewolf was like, ‘I’m going to kill you.’  And I was like ‘Ow, my neck hurts,’ and then Elijah was like ‘RIPPPPPP, hey Damon, wanna eat some were-hearts with me?’  And I was like ‘Cool!  I still want you dead though.’  And Tyler was like ‘I’m outtie 5,000.’  . . .”

STEFAN:  “Yeah, I know, Damon.  I watched the episode on ITunes, last night . . .”

Meanwhile, Elena is camped out on the couch, reading the “exciting” tale of how her boyfriend once ate all her ancestors, thereby almost preventing her from EVER BEING BORN!

“W TF, Stefan!  I better be getting a REALLY expensive anniversary gift, if you want to make up for this one!”

You guys have met Dark Stefan, right?  You know . . . he was the guy from the “Miss Mystic Falls” episode, that aired last season — the one who ditched his girlfriend at the local beauty pageant, so that he could suck on one of her competitors. 

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Well, he’s BAAAAAACK!  (And I mean WAY BACK . . . like, 1864 . . . back.)

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(By the way, my personal apologies go out to the over 550 people who searched for “Stefan Salvatore Fist Pumping Gif” this morning, and were mistakenly directed to my blog by WordPress, even though I didn’t actually “own” this GIF until about two hours ago.  Oops!)

Thanks to Jonathan Gilbert, and his compulsive need to write EVERYTHING DOWN, we are whisked back in time, to 1864, along with Elena.  Once there, we witness Jonathan Gilbert enjoying a nice “Dinner Party” (Ahhhh . . . parallels!  Gotta love em’!) with the other so-called “Founding Families” of Mystic Falls.  Suddenly, there is a rustling in the trees, outside . . .

So, the “Brave” Jonathan, and another random Town-Founding Dude, head outside to investigate.  Jonathan immediately whips out his trusty Cereal Box Toy Vampire Detector Watch, to determine if EVIL is truly afoot. 

It’s not afoot (YAY!) .  . . and then, suddenly, it is (BOO!).  Within seconds, Founding Dude 2 becomes a Vampire Happy Meal.  So, does Jonathan, for that matter . . .

 Or DOES HE?  As it turns out, in addition to being the owner of cheesy Vampire Detector Watches, Jonathan also wears an Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality.  And so, he returns to life, after being eaten. This enables Jonathan to ID his killer in his diary.  And I bet you can’t guess who it is?  (I’ll give you a hint:  His name rhymes with Mefan Malvatore.)

“Oh, Stefan!  You have some ‘splaining TO DO!”

Back in Present Day, Stefan saunters back into the lake house.  Apparently, his fun little conversation with Damon has done little to improve his mood.  The Dude still has a MAJOR stick up his ass, over the whole “Elena Suicide Pact” thing.  (Poor Schuck!  He has NO IDEA of the massive sh*tstorm he’s about to walk into.) 

“Still mad?”  Elena asks her beau slyly.

I won’t recap for you EVERYTHING Stefan says in response, because he basically details all of last week’s episode, in his speech.  However, I WILL tell you that he was dumb enough to end his monologue with “That’s the understatement of the century.”  *facepalm*

“YOU would know!”  Elena snarks.  (Silly Stefan!  You walked right into that one . . . or should I say “that pun”!)

Stefan admits that he ate the founding families because he was really hungry because he was pissed at them for what he THOUGHT they did to Katherine.  He hadn’t expected Jonathan for to survive, and finger him (OK . . . that sounded dirty) for the murders.  Stefan then reluctantly agrees to tell Elena all about the fabulous life / redemption arc of 1864-era Dark Stefan.  After all, better she find out all the bad stuff from HIM, than from her half-chewed wackadoo ancestor!

We are then treated to a fun little 1864 taste of what it would be like if Paul Wesley was cast as DAMON SALVATORE, and Ian Somerhalder as STEFAN.  (PERISH THE THOUGHT!)  We see Dark Stefan chilling in his mansion (La Casa de Rich and Awesome — MY HAVE YOU CHANGED!).   Evil Steffy apparently fills his days by screwing the townie girls’ little peabrains out, and then EATING THOSE BRAINS, once he’s finished screwing the bodies attached to them . . .

Enter Cockblock Damon (I can’t even BELIEVE I am using those two words in the same sentence!) with his Adorably Curly 19th Century Hair, and Judgy McJudgerson Puppy Dog Eyes . . .

Good Damon compels all Stefan’s little tartlets to leave La Casa de Rich and Awesome immediately, and never come back — thereby, effectively saving all their lives.  Damon also tells his brother, in his Stefan-iest voice, that the latter’s “appetites” are going to get them both killed, if Dark Stefan is not careful.

Having grown tired of Dark Stefan, and his tendency toward emotion free screw-killings, Damon has decided to skip town ALONE.  Upon hearing this, Dark Stefan shows emotion, for the first time during this flashback.  Clearly, desperate for companionship, he begs his brother to reconsider . . .

“If you stay, I’ll let you eat the girl behind the Piano’s boobs!”

But Damon is far beyond putting up with his Brother’s B.S.  He has already made up his mind . . .

So, a dejected Stefan heads out to a Civil War Battlefield for more Human Snacks.  He comes upon a blonde chick in a hood, and tries to gnaw on her.  The only problem is, she’s a vampire.  In fact, she’s a vampire who WE ALREADY KNOW!

 

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The Awkward Moment when you try to eat a girl (non-sexually, of course), and she ends up being dead . . . ish.

OMG!  It’s LEXI!  Remember her from the 162 Candles Episode?  If not, she was Stefan’s bestie .  . . who celebrated his birthday with him . . . Then, DAMON KILLED HER to cover his ass for murders HE COMMITTED!

GOOD TIMES!

Anyway, as it turns out, it was Lexi who crashed with Stefan during those dark 1864 days.  And it was Lexi who taught Stefan that turning off your feelings isn’t the “right” way to be a vampire.  After all, vampires with NO feelings can’t get horny FALL IN LOVE!  And “love conquers all!”  (OK . . . that whole speech was nauseatingly cheesy!  But we like Lexi, so it’s acceptable from her . . . I guess.)

Perhaps, the most poignant moment of the flashback is when Lexi and, her future murderer, Damon, meet on the stairwell of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, as he is heading out of Mystic Falls, en route to becoming the SUPER HOT, but also DEEPLY wounded and tormented, vampire he is today . . .

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Lexi prophetically warns Damon that the day will come when the anger he is feeling toward his brother for depriving him of his human life, will consume him, and lead him toward darkness.  In return, Damon asks Lexi to promise to take care of Stefan, because he clearly needs it.  And Lexi keeps that promise . . . well . . . until Damon kills her, of course.

You know . . . you’ve really gotta hand it to Stefan.  Here’s a guy who LITERALLY murdered his girlfriend’s entire family.  And, yet, he somehow manages to turn the story of how he did it into a GUILT TRIP against his girlfriend for being willing to die to SAVE HIS LIFE!

At the end of the flashback, Stefan tells Elena that HE never gave up on life, despite having once been a Sociopathic Mass Murderer, so she shouldn’t give up either.  Ummmm . . .  How sweet (?)

“It was a solid effort.  But you are still not getting laid this weekend, you Gilbert EATER!”

Speaking of relics of the past, let’s talk about BONNIE’S POWERS!

From Bewitched to Un-witched

“When I said I was looking for a new ‘Choker,’ this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind . . .”

Oh, Bonnie!  You didn’t really think you’d be able to Mind Rape Luka —

 . . . son of the Big Bad Jonas Brother from Another Mother —  and NOT suffer any consequences, as a result, did you?  Awwww, YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU?  That sucks!

When we first see Bonnie, her and Jeremy are alternating between eye f*ckery, and dancing around the issue of their little makeout session from last week . . .

After THAT KISS, and weeks and weeks of these two circling one another like dogs in heat, I REALLY can’t believe that Bonnie is STILL yammering on with her whole “What will Elena think, if I start boning her brother?” nonsense.  It’s annoying!

Jeremy obviously thinks so too.  But, fortunately, for Bonnie, he  unlike ME also finds it endearing.  For this reason, Jeremy plans to woo Bonnie by planning a not-date / date — one that expertly masquerades as “Witch Practice.” 

“Damn, I’m SMOOOOTH!”

That being said, I did have a teensy weensy bit of an issue about Jeremy using thousands of friggin candles as “date decoration.”  Not only is that a MAJOR FIRE HAZARD (Honestly, doesn’t the Gilbert Household have enough PROBLEMS, without you trying to BURN IT DOWN, Scrappy Doo?), it also kept reminding me of the LAST TIME Bonnie and Jeremy found themselves surrounded by similar “date decorations” . . .

Yeah . . . ummm . . . Jeremy?  Last I checked, kidnapping, mind rape, and spell-induced seizures?  Not exactly romantic!

Fortunately for Jeremy, Bonnie isn’t bothered by the candles nearly as much as I am.  And, within moments, her and Jeremy are dry humping “channeling eachother’s energies” on the floor.  (So, that’s what the kids are  calling it, nowadays! ;))

Then, suddenly, THIS HAPPENS . . .

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*sings*  “Ooh, what a feelin’!  When you’re dancin’ on the ceiling!”

That’s right, boys and girls!  As it turns out, Papa Warlock is not too keen on the whole “Mind Rape of his Son” thing.  So, after throwing Jeremy AGAINST THE WALL OF HIS OWN HOUSE, and MAKING HIM STICK THERE, like a Giant Human Spitball, Jonas turns his attention to Bonnie, who he strangles, while chanting gibberish.  “This is for your own good,” he tells her.

When Jonas finally lets Bonnie go, and Jeremy can peel himself off the wall, the latter rushes to his new gal pal’s side, to make sure she’s OK.  “He took my powers,” Bonnie gasps, as if unable to believe that this is really happening to her. 

(OH, BELIEVE IT HONEY!  BECAUSE IT”S TRUE!  A guy like Jonas, who can murder dozens of werewolves with a Headache Spell, can SURELY take away YOUR lame-ass powers, in a heartbeat.)

“I’ll get you my, Bonnie!  And your Mini Gilbert too!”

All kidding aside, I actually think there is something to be said for Jonas’ seemingly throwaway comment to Bonnie that he took her powers away, for her own good.  After all, we all know that WITCHES are extremely important to vampires, particularly ORIGINAL vampires like Santa Klaus, who are intent on breaking the Moonstone Curse.  We also know that Jonas’ daughter is being held captive by Klaus BECAUSE of her powers.  If Bonnie is just boring and annoying normal, she will no longer be at risk to be targeted by dangerous supernatural creatures with ulterior motives.  Just sayin’!

Uh Oh!  Bonnie didn’t seem to like that comment.  I really hope she doesn’t give me . . . Oh wait, that’s right, she can’t do ANYTHING to me anymore, can she?  Because she doesn’t have powers!  HAHA! 😉

Now that we’ve gotten all THAT out of the way, on to the GOOD STUFF . . .

*ahem*  Good “stuff” indeed!

Elijah Does His Best Impression of Kenny from South Park

Oh My GOD!  You killed ELIJAH . .  . and un-killed him . . . and killed him again!  YOU BASTARDS!

When we last saw Damon, he was a bit . . . indisposed . . .

But now, our sexy vampire stud is BACK, and READY FOR BUSINESS!  And this week, that “business” involves killing Elijah (TO SAVE his future girlfriend ELENA . . . WHO HE LUUUUUUVES, of course). 

To do this, Damon plans to use a Special Dagger, coated with dust from a White Oak tree . . .

According to Creepy Uncle / Father John, only THIS type of dagger can kill an original vampire.  But Damon (wisely, as it turns out) doesn’t 100% trust Creepy Uncle / Father John.  And so, to corroborate the legend, our Lonely Lothario decides to pay a little visit to the tomb-trapped Katherine, who, admittedly, has been looking a bit, worse for wear, of late . . .

 SOMEONE needs to moisturize!  Oh . . . and that Bottlecap Nose Ring of yours?  Not cute . . . AT ALL!

Katherine perks up a bit, when Damon feeds her some blood.  However, that happiness appears short-lived, when Damon starts discussing how he plans to kill Elijah.  “If you kill Elijah, I will be stuck in here forever!”  Katherine lies through her fangs exclaims!

This FACE = HILARIOUS!

Damon immediately takes Katherine’s faux frightened response as confirmation that John was right.  Originals CAN be killed!  And this dagger is the way to kill them!  With the murder weapon confirmed, Damon begins to put Phase Two of his plan into motion.  He does this by compelling his new Stepford Sex Toy Andie to invite Elijah, Jenna, and Alaric all over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for a Dinner Party . . .

“Just because I’m planning to kill you, doesn’t mean I don’t have a Massive Boy Crush on you, Elijah . . . you heartbreaking, hair-flipping stud, you!”

(Speaking of homoerotic, did anybody else notice the MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MASCARA AND GUYLINER Alaric was wearing, this week?  What was up with that?)

Don’t even TRY to tell me that’s natural!  It’s NOT!

As for the Dinner Party itself, it is probably one of the most awkward, bizarre, and hysterical social events of the ENTIRE SERIES!  I mean, first you’ve got Elijah . . .

 . . . who’s alternating between flirting shamelessly with EVERYONE in the house (male AND female) threatening Damon and Alaric that he will KILL the entire guest list, if they try any “funny stuff” (like . . . say . . . trying to stab him with an oak-coated dagger), and spouting off lame, and incredibly BORING, historical tidbits about Mystic Falls . . .

Then, you’ve got Guyliner Alaric . . .

 . . . who spends most of the dinner pouting in the corner, because (1) he’s jealous of the attention Elijah is paying to Useless Aunt Jenna (though, admittedly it’s unclear WHICH of these two people he is actually jealous OF); and (2) he is certain that his bromantic buddy Damon is lying to him, when he says that the Dinner Party is nothing more than a “fact-finding mission.” (The only FACT Damon is interested in “finding” is how much an Original BLEEDS when he dies.)

Then, there’s Useless Aunt Jenna . .  . zzzzzzzzzz

 .  . . nd Stepford Sex Toy Andie, who Damon has probably compelled so many times that the entire frontal lobe of her brain has turned to cottage cheese . . .

*crickets chirping*

And .  . . WAIT A SECOND . . . who the heck invited Creepy Uncle / Father John?

When it comes time for “dessert,” Damon coyly separates Elijah from the pack so they can have AWESOMELY HOT VAMPIRE SEX he can stab his MASSIVELY OLD guts out.  And he is just about to do so, when, conveniently enough, Alaric gets a frantic call Stefan at the Lakehouse . . .

“Can you hear me now?  GOOD!”

As luck would have it, Jonathan Gilbert wrote about KILLING ORIGINALS in his diary.  There’s even a picture of that dagger John gave Damon in Jonathan’s writings.  And under the picture it says . . . THE DAGGER CAN ONLY BE USED BY A HUMAN . . . BECAUSE IF IT’S USED BY A VAMPIRE, THE VAMPIRE DIES TOO!

OH NO!  Creepy Uncle / Father John TRIED TO KILL MY DAMON by getting him to KILL MY ELIJAH!  THAT BASTARD!

Could someone remind me again WHY they put THIS GUY’S FINGERS BACK ON, afte Katherine CHOPPED THEM OFF in the season one finale? 

Just imagine how much TROUBLE could have been prevented, if these “little piggies” had gone into the trash compactor, like they were SUPPOSED TO!

Now, it’s important to note here, that AS SOON AS ELENA read the passage about Damon possibly dying, Stefan RUSHED RIGHT OFF TO CALL ALARIC, without reading the additional “rules” about the dagger.  Granted, this might have been necessary, because, Damon was just MOMENTS AWAY from stabbing Elijah, when Alaric ran in to hand him THIS . .  .

(Not that any of you care, but I have TERRIBLE handwriting, myself.  So, the fact that Alaric ALSO writes like a toddler, makes me like his character SO MUCH MORE!)

Needless to say, Damon is not pleased AT ALL . .  .

But then, just when you think Damon might do something rash, like murder Creepy Uncle/Father John (DO IT!  DO IT!  DO IT!), or start pummeling Elijah with his bare hands (which, admit it, would be really hot!), THIS HAPPENS . . .

And then Elijah starts to look like this . . .

. . . which is SO NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR HIM.  And it’s a TOTAL SHOCK, because, really, this is NOT the way you would expect a BAMF like Elijah to go out.  I mean, he wasn’t even standing when it happened, he was SITTING DOWN, TALKING ABOUT DULL ASS MYSTIC FALLS HISTORY, for crying out loud.  He didn’t even have time to do his trademark hair flip!  It would have been a travesty for Elijah to have died this way.  Notice, I said “would have been” . . .

So, while Team Bad Ass members, Damon and Alaric, are giving eachother manly backslaps . . .

 . . . and Alaric is whining to Damon, about how he’s his only friend (NOT TRUE!), so he should be more honest with him (well  . . . THAT part is true!) . . .  Stefan has finally decided to let Elena read the REST of Jonathan’s entry about the dagger.  And get this:  it turns out, an Original is only dead for as long as the DAGGER STAYS IN HIS BODY.   ONCE YOU . . .

 . . . ahem . . . EXTRACT IT . . . The Original  Vampire COMES BACK TO LIFE!

So, let me get this straight . . . “pull IT out” = nothing happens

“keep IT in” = DEAD VAMPIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY

In other words, this is The Rhythm Method of Vampire Murder. . .  and Alaric, who has always been a “pull it out” kind of guy . . .

 . . . didn’t exactly DO IT correctly, if you catch my drift.

So, we cut back to Damon, who, after promising his BOYFRIEND that he won’t “lie to him anymore,” has returned to the basement to collect his Original Vampire Trophy. 

Oh yeah, Elijah is SO ALIVE and SO MIA!  (And I hate to say it, but I’m kind of glad.)  I bet you can’t guess where our Undead-undead BAMF-pire went next?

That’s right, Fangbangers!  A gentleman until the very end, Elijah WALKED his beautiful butt ALL THE WAY TO THE LAKE HOUSE, so that he could PERSONALLY tell Elena that, in light of recent events, all promises he originally made regarding Scooby Gang protection were hereby waived.

“You have nothing left to negotiate with,” Elijah explains, with what I detect is a genuine note of sadness.  (I really think the Old Vamp had a soft spot for our Elena.  And why not? EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.)

But Elena DOES have a bargaining chip.  “Promise me you won’t harm anyone I love, even if they harmed you.  Otherwise, I will stab myself to death with this dagger.  Then Stefan will turn me.  And I will become a vampire.  Just like Katherine did.  And you will have nothing.”

Elijah smiles, clearly enjoying this.  “I’m going to have to call your bluff,” he explains.

Then THIS HAPPENS!

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Now, the usually calm Elijah is FREAKING THE F*&K OUT!  “Yes, yes, you have the deal .  . . LET ME HEAL YOU!” Elijah exclaims. 

And it’s awesome seeing him unhinged like this.  Somehow, Elena, has managed to get the upper hand over an original vampire, in a way that nobody else has been able to so far.  HE NEEDS HER.  After securing Elijah’s word that he will not harm the people she loves, a dying Elena moves toward Elijah . . . and . . . STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH WITH THE ORIGINALS KILLING KNIFE!

Now, Elijah is dead . . . for real this time .  . . which, actually saddens me.  I’m going to miss THIS . . .

And so will DAMON, I think!  Speaking of Damon, it is at this moment that he MAGICALLY APPEARS . . .

“Just a tip.  Don’t pull the dagger out,” Big Bro Salvatore notes wryly.  (OH DAMON!  How I love you, let me count the ways!)

Speaking of people of I love, HOW AWESOME IS ELENA!  Then, after singlehandedly saving the day, our girl impresses me even further by giving her vampire men the WHAT FOR, for WRONGLY ASSUMING they knew better than she did how to handle this whole “Doppelganger” THING.  “You want me to fight?  I’ll fight, but you can’t keep things from me anymore.  From this moment on, we do things MY WAY,” Elena demands, in a surprisingly KATHERINE-LIKE TONE.

The boys AGREE!  And I’ll say it again, ELENA RULES!

Oh . . . to be in the middle of this Salvatoreo Sandwich right now!

In other news, Useless Jenna sort of /kind of dumped Alaric for being dishonest to her about TWO SEASONS WORTH OF VAMPIRE DIARIES EPISODES ex-wife Isobel and her undeath. 

Maybe she’s not so useless after all . . . (Wait . . . did I just say that?)

Then, Alaric surprisingly relented and gave Creepy Uncle /Father John the UglyAss Ring of Immortality he TOTALLY DOESN’T DESERVE, warning him, “After what you did to Damon, you are going to need it more than I am.”

Be afraid, ASSHAT!  BE VERY AFRAID!

Back in the AWESOME SHOWER fo La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Just reminding you why it’s awesome . . . that’s all!

Damon walks in on THIS . . .

And my TEAM DELENA heart starts doing this . . .

But, of course, it’s not’s Elena . . . It’s KATHERINE!  That’s right, Damon!  Killing Elijah didn’t TRAP the Sexy Vamp in the tomb forever, it FREED HER FROM the Original’s Compulsion! 

Remember how earlier in the season Creepy /Uncle Father John promised Katherine that he had set plans in motion to get her out of the tomb, so that SHE could help protect Elena from Klaus?  Well THIS was exactly what he meant .  . . killing Damon was probably just be an added bonus for HIM.

However, it happened, KAT IS NOT ONLY BACK, SHE IS MOVING IN TO LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME?  Does this mean us Kefan fans will FINALLY get the sex scene we were so RUDELY denied a few episodes back? 

Here’s HOPING!

Something tells me, Elena is NOT GOING TO BE PLEASED!

Let the Doppelganger Hijinx ENSUE!  You can check out the EXTENDED version of next week’s promo, “The House Guest,” right here. 

Do I sense some HOT Delena moments in our near future?  I SURE DO!  (Who cares if it’s a case of mistaken identity?  They ARE RUBBING UP ON EACHOTHER.  AND I’m HAPPY, DAMMIT!)

It’s only a matter of time!

And that’s all I’ve got folks.  Feel free to sound off in the comment section about “The Dinner Party,” and/or your thoughts on “The House Guest.”  Are you sad Elijah’s gone for good?  Are you psyched for Katherine’s return?  What is the most AWFUL TORTUROUS death to which Damon can subject Creepy Uncle / Father John?  My vote is for something that involves leeches . . . and private parts.  But that’s just me ;).

See ya next week, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

When the Going Gets Tough (the Tough Get Tortured)- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Crying Wolf”

Poor Damon!  This was really NOT your episode, was it?  NO Sexy Shirtless Bathtime Fun, NO scenes with ELENA, TOTALLY SHOWED UP by Vampire Elijah, and FORCED to be the Masochist in some Random Werewolf’s Creepy S&M Fantasy.  Methinks SOMEONE needs a hug, BIGTIME!

Well this was a rather eventful episode, wasn’t it?  Here’s just a quick rundown of SOME of the things that happened on TVD this week: Salvatore Brothers and witches got tortured; werewolves got their hearts ripped out; we started to HATE Tyler; we began to LOVE Tyler again, and then he LEFT  Elijah OWNED us all; and Jeremy and Bonnie started swapping spit. 

Whew!  Just thinking about it, makes me all tired and sweaty . . .  In fact, you know what I need now?  A SHOWER!

And THAT was the unnatural and manipulative way I managed to work Naked Damon into this recap . . . Any questions?

Prepare to have your hearts ripped out TVD fans.   Because this recap is about to begin  . . .

And then there were THREE . . .

It’s fitting that this episode was entitled “Crying Wolf” because most of those EVIL VAMPIRE-TORTURING WEREWOLVES finally friggin died!  GOOD RIDDENS! After all, the hour’s opening moments featured Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady tearfully preparing to BURN their dead, after last week’s Were/Vamp/Witch Showdown.  Then THIS GUY appears literally out of no where .  . .

And he just starts babbling on . . . and ON .  .. and ON, as if we are automatically supposed to know who the f*&k he is, but we DON’T.  We don’t really care who he is either.  Because he’s a WEREWOLF, who is not Tyler, which, by definition, means he SUCKS ASS.  Nevertheless, Random Dude played an important enough part in this episode that I am unfortunately required give him a name.  So, I will: Weredork.

Anyway, Weredork helpfully informs Soul Crusher Jules and Wereoaf Brady that, since Mason was hanging out with Vampire Katherine before he croaked, and seemed intent on finding the Moonstone, one can deduce that: (1) Team Salvatore jacked the Moonstone, after murdering Mason; and (2) they are currently collecting all the ingredients they need to break the Moonstone Curse.  As loyal  TVD fans, we know that Weredorks assessment of Team Salvatore is only half-true.  But, for now, we are willing to go with it, anyway (if only so Weredork will finally shut the hell up) . . .

Wereoaf Brady responds to this new discovery, by saying, in his typical overly simplistic Comic Book Villain way, “We can’t let that happen, even if we have to kill EVERY LAST VAMPIRE . . .”

[Insert Cheesy Maniacal Laugh Here]

(Coincidentally, here are some OTHER things Wereoaf Brady would view as justification to “KILL EVERY LAST VAMPIRE:”  (1) A vampire stole his girlfriend; (2) a vampire THOUGHT about stealing his girlfriend; (3) a vampire stole his Cocoa Puffs (Thereby, driving him cuckoo.); (4) a vampire has a better Maniacal Laugh than he does; (5) a vampire has more hair than he does . . .)

From the Dog Poo-Covered Forest of the Were People, we are then transported to a much Kinder, Gentler Locale, namely Vampire Barbie’s Dream House, where Vampire Barbie, herself, is cuddled up in bed with BOTH Elena and the Witchy Bonnie.  (Male Fantasy, much?)

“Hello, LADIES!  Got room for one more?”

The phone rings.  And Elena literally falls out of her bed and onto her rump, trying to answer it.  And all I can say, is that I WISH someone had a GIF of this moment that I can share with you.  Because, to me, anyway, watching Ridiculously Attractive People Fall Down (provided nobody gets seriously hurt, of course) is ALWAYS funny.

Oooh . . . wait . . . nevermind!  I just found one!

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Not surprisingly, Elena’s Gentleman Caller just so happens to be Stefan.  (CLEARLY, this vampire has never learned the “Don’t Call a Girl’s House Before 10 a.m. on Weekends, Because She Needs Her Beauty Sleep” Rule.)  Fortunately, for Stefan though, Elena doesn’t seem to mind being woken up too much . . .

Is it just me, or does the above screencap look EXACTLY like one of those Love Line ads they air on television at 3 a.m?  You know . . . the ones that promise Very Lonely Men that if they “CALL NOW, for only a $1.95 a minute, they can have phone sex with Criminally Underage Females?”

Speaking of Sex Lines, as far as Phone Sex Operators go, Elena would a be a NATURAL!  Observe the kittenish, and almost nauseatingly flirtatious, way in which she tells Stefan she wants to “have a Slumber Party with him,” and convinces him to drop everything, for an impromptu weekend getaway at her family’s lakehouse.  Fortunately for Stefan, he’s been around long enough to recognize an Opportunity for Lots of Sex when he sees one.  And so, he instantly accepts his girlfriend’s invitation.

“Who’s your Pimp Daddy?  Awww yeah, it’s ME!”

Speaking of BIG PIMPS . . .

Mama’s Got a Brand New Scarf . . .

Woah . . . Alaric looks REALLY jealous . . . of Andie!

Those of you who watched last week’s installment of TVD (and, seriously, how could you NOT HAVE?  It was SO AWESOME!), know that it ended with a Wet and Soapy Damon getting hot and heavy with a certain “Action News” reporter . . .

Well, it turns out she spent the night with Damon at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  (Sorry LADIES!)  The next morning, (just like Damon’s LAST Sex Toy, Caroline) we find Andie sporting a telltale new scarf around her undoubtedly vampire Hickey-covered neck, and cheerfully obeying every Damon’s every command.  Before she leaves, Andie helpfully informs Damon that Elijah will be hosting a Historical Society Event in town.  Damon’s curiousity is piqued by this information, because he has a TOTAL Man Crush on Elijah.  (Can you blame him?)

Then, Damon catches Andie at the door, and pulls her into his hypnotic gaze, “You are falling hard [for me],” he commands.  (Not that he NEEDS to do this, mind you, given who he is, and WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NAKED).

“You may be the one,” a Tranced Out Andie agrees before exiting .

By the way, Delena fans will proudly note that Damon clearly COULD HAVE used this trick on Elena,  back during “Rose,” when he first confessed his love for her.  He DIDN’T, of course, because he DOES LOVE HER, and wants what they have together to remain REAL and PURE.  (Regarding My Favorite TVD Scene EVER, we sort of get to revisit it, later in this episode.  But not exactly in the way you might think  . . .)

It’s Time for a Little Bromance!

Speaking of people who are not-so-secretly in love with Damon (See what I did there? ;)), his Bromantic Buddy, Alaric, is waiting in the wings for Andie to leave, so that the pair can engage in a much-needed Team Bad Ass Reunion . .

The two immediately begin gossiping like school girls, with Damon noting how “excited” he is to crash Elijah’s Historical Society Tea Party.  “Oooh!  What are you going to wear?”  Alaric coos excitedly, secretly hoping that Damon has decided to wear nothing at all . . . You’re not planning to KILL Elijah at his own Tea Party, are you [ because that would just be RUDE]?”  Alaric, ever the Master of Decorum, inquires with concern.

“No . . . but I think it’s time we met,” Damon replies.

Ummm .  . . Damon, haven’t you ALREADY met Elijah?  (And by “met” I mean,  “staked his ass once.  Then, a few episodes later, watched in horror, as he ripped the hearts out of two vampires at once, with the same ease, and lack of concern, with which most people take peanut butter out of the pantry.”)

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That’s right!  You BETTER BOW DOWN!

Surprisingly, Damon actually DOES want to hook up with talk to Elijah, BEFORE he kills him.  Specifically, Damon hopes that Elijah will let him in on his TRUE intentions regarding Elena.  But, considering Elijah, is NOT THAT DUMB, it’s probably a good thing that Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy have a MUCH STUPIDER subject from whom this information can be obtained, namely, Luka the Puke-a!

She put a spell on YOU!

That’s right, Boys and Girls!  Luka (a.k.a. Wind Orgasm Guy) . . .

 . . . knows what Elijah’s been hiding!  (Him and Big Bad Warlock, Papa Jonas, are in cahoots with the guy, after all.)  And, unlike Elijah, Luka’s not smart enough to keep all this a secret from his nemeses . . .

A Warning to Jeremy:  Do NOT F*&K with BONNIE BENNETT!  When her boyfriends screw her over, she gets revenge, BIG TIME.  And, judging by what she did to Luka this week, if you screw this up, headaches are going to be the LEAST of your problems, Mini Gilbert!

“Is it too late to un-cancel my subscription to Match.com?”

While Caroline and Jeremy look on, with a mixture of awe, and horror, Bonnie pretty much singlehandedly (1) lures Luka into her Witchy Web . . .

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 . . . (2) mind-f*&ks him into unconsciousness; (3) drags him back to her house; (4) makes him have a REALLY PAINFUL LOOKING seizure  (Then again . . . is there really any other kind of seizure, besides a REALLY PAINFUL ONE?)

. . . (5) puts him in a trance . . .

. . . (6) gets him to reveal information about Elijah that’s ALMOST DEFINITELY going to get him murdered; (7) and then makes him forget the whole incident ever happened . . .

Enjoy your blissful ignorance while it lasts, Luka!  Because once Elijah finds out what you told Bonnie, trance or no trance, the only “more screentime” you will be getting is a not-particularly-well-attended funeral!

What we learn from Luka through this, admittedly immoral, interrogation process, is the following:  (By the way, forgive me for the extensive use of LISTS in this recap.  It just seems kind of necessary, given everything we’ve learned this week.) : (1) Elijah’s ULTIMATE plan is to kill Santa Klaus . . .

(2) Since Santa Klaus is OLD AS F*&K, the only way to KILL HIM is to make him vulnerable.  And the only way to make him VULNERABLE, is to perform the Moonstone Sacrifice.  After THAT sacrifice is performed, Klaus will be temporarily weakened.  And Elijah can go in for the kill. 

(3) In order for this to happen, Elena must DIE . . .

(4) Finally, not that we actually CARE, but Jonas and Luka are working with Elijah, because he promised to release Luka’s sister from Santa Klaus’ clutches, if they agreed to give the BAD ASS MO FO a helping hand.

Mind Rape of Luka completed, Bonnie promptly calls Damon to share this information with HIM, who, in turn calls Stefan.  (It’s like PLAYING TELEPHONE!)  Then, the Little Witch turns her attention to Mini Gilbert, whose been giving the girl Puppy Dog Eyes the WHOLE NIGHT!

“Roof-Roof, Bow-Wow”

Bonnie soon launches into another one of her ENDLESS TIRADES about why she can’t be with Jeremy.  “I’ve known you forever,” explains Bonnie matter-of-factly.  “I’ve seen you through your Awkward Phase . . .

 . . . your Emo Phase . . .

 . . . and your Druggie Phase . . .”

(Ummm . . . yeah Bonnie?  Don’t act like your so special.  We’ve seen all those “phases” too.  They happened over the course of about five episodes . . .)

“But now, you’ve turned into this HOT GUY, who’s really sweet,” Bonnie concludes.

Mini Gilbert may be a bit younger than the rest of his Scooby Crew.  But he’s NO DUMMY!  He knows an INVITATION when he sees one.  And so he pulls his Witchy Woman in close for a Big Juicy Wet One . . .

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I’m happy for your Mini Gilbert.  Really, I am.  But, like I said earlier, just do yourself a BIG favor, and DON’T MAKE HER ANGRY!

Because if you do, you may not live to regret it.

Speaking of people you REALLY shouldn’t mess with . . .

Damon Gets Pinned to the Wall (and not in a good way) . . .

So, I mentioned earlier, that Damon was headed to a little Tea Party to have a little meeting with the Big Bad Elijah.  Needless to say,  it doesn’t go well . . .

Elijah thinks Damon should KNOW HIS ROLE (i.e. protect Elena, and otherwise, BUTT OUT!)  “The moment you cease to be of use to me, you are dead.  So, you should do what I say,” threatens Elijah.

Not typically one to do what he’s told, Damon is not cool with this . . . AT ALL . . .  But he gets a bit cooler with it, after Elijah shoves him in to a wall, and sticks a pencil in his neck .  . .  OUCH!

Needless to say, it’s been a rough day for Damon, and he’s VERY MUCH looking forward to a nice relaxing evening spent having sex withgossiping with Alaric about his new girlfriend, and Elijah’s awesome hair.  Unfortunately, Damon can’t relax long, because he has WERE-Company . . .

Before Damon can say, “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf,” Alaric has been shot, and is playing dead.  (Don’t forget, dude’s got the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality on his side!)

“Jewelry is a man’s best friend!”

. . . and Damon himself has been made into a Sex Museum Exhibit, by Jules, the Weredork , and some soon-to-be-dead Were-extras . . .

Having been on the OTHER SIDE of this situation not so long ago, Damon can’t help but note the irony of it all . . .

But then ELIJAH THE AWESOME ARRIVES!  Once at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah begins doing what he does best, i.e. ripping  the hearts out of random pesky supernatural creatures (like Weredork), and assorted TVD extras, who are not playing nice with his new Man Friend, Damon . . .

Needless to say, this is the third time Elijah has spared / saved Damon’s life in furtherance of the promise he made to Elena back during Episode 10.  Understandably, Damon is impressed and more than a bit turned on.

Unfortunately, however, Soul Crusher Jules got away, before Elijah had the chance to literally RIP HER A NEW ONE . . .

“Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah, I still have my [non-functioning and black as coal] heart!”

(Elijah always did seem to have a bit of a soft spot, for the LADIES, if you know what I mean . . .)

But aside from THAT major (not to mention highly plot convenient) misstep, on Elijah’s part, most of the pesky were-losers are now dead, Alaric is OK, Damon is safe, sound, and has a brand new role model, and everyone (involved this plotline, at least) can, for now, live happily ever after . . .

Well . . . except for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

  . . .  who thinks her boyfriend, Alaric, stood her up because he was “grading papers and fell asleep; and can’t understand why she’s stuck living in such a BORING TOWN! 😉

Meanwhile, over at the Lakehouse . . .

 Ding Dong the Wereoaf’s Dead (and Tyler’s regretful, and Elena’s got some ‘splaining to do)

While Elena waxes poetic about her long-term future with Stefan (in a scene which is a bit snoozy, and nauseatingly Twilight-esque, but actually ends up being REALLY important . . .) . . . the EEEVVILL WEREWOLVES are plotting to ensure that the Happy Couple’s IMMEDIATE future will SUCK royally  . . .

Tyler has just arrived at the Were-house.  So, Weredork decides to fill him in on the whole “Moonstone Curse” thing . . .

“I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking that my whole purpose in this episode is to impart all the BORING, but important, information that the characters and you need to know to understand what’s going on here.  Then, I have to DIE fast, before my presence becomes too tiresome to TVD fans, predisposed to hate my guts.  But, actually . . . no . . . come to think of it . . . that’s exactly right.”

Weredork dully explains to Tyler how the Moonstone Curse restricts vampires from walking in daylight (unless, of course, they have Sunscreen Rings),  and forces werewolves to change during the full moon.  If the vampires break the curse, they can walk around outside anytime they want (which, most of them can do ANYWAY, due to Sunscreen Rings).  But, if WEREWOLVES break the curse, they can turn at will, and don’t HAVE to transform, during the Full Moon.  This of course, means they don’t have to turn AT ALL, if they choose not to do so.

Tyler likes this idea, VERY MUCH!  Gee, I wonder why?

Weredork also explains to Tyler that the Petrova Doppelganger, who LOOKS like Mason’s ex girlfriend Katherine, is NEEDED to break the curse.  (Of course, he carefully leaves out WHY she’s needed, and what she would have to do to actually break it.)  An-Eager-to-Please Tyler douchebaggily helpfully points out that ELENA is the Petrova Doppelganger, after seeing a picture of her look-a-like Katherine.  Tyler even goes as far as to offer to help find his so-called “friend.”

Tyler does this, by bumping into Caroline at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  He then pretend  to try to apologize to her again for standing around and doing NOTHING, like a TOTAL jackass, last week, while she was getting TORTURED by his Were-Loser Friends.  Needless to say, Tyler’s lame APOLOGY fails miserably.  But THIS doesn’t . . .

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*cough a$$hole cough*

Of course, like many of you, I don’t initially notice Tyler surreptitiously putting Caroline’s cellphone in his butt pocket, after he accidentally / on purpose bumps into her.  (People can itchy back there, sometimes, you know?)  So, when Elena gets a text from “Caroline” asking to talk, and she replies that she’s headed to the Lakehouse, I think that text is REALLY from Caroline. 

So, when  the camera paned up from the phone to EVIL TYLER, wearing a Cat Who Ate the Canary expression on his face . . .

SMUG BASTARD!

  .  . . I may or may not have thrown a pillow (or ten) at the television screen . . .

Just sayin . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena are at the Lakehouse, enjoying their time together, by HAVING SEX exploring their surroundings. (Seriously?  Because if it was DAMON, you just know they’d be HAVING SEX!)  After all, Elena hasn’t visited the Lakehouse, since her parents died.  And there  is much teary-eyed reminiscing to be done.  That being said, there are SOME things in your childhood vacation home that you shouldn’t go searching for, when your boyfriend is in town . . .

The Awkward Moment when your Vampire Boyfriend finds your Parents’ Secret Vampire Slayer Weapons Stash . . .

But before Elena even has the chance to come up with a convincing lie as to what these “tools” were used for (“Ummmm, my parents were REALLY Aggressive Gardeners?”), Stefan and Elena learn that they are not-so-much alone in the Lakehouse.  Then, THIS happens . . .

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To add insult to injury, Tyler is there too, looking particularly menacing (and, regrettably, very hot).

On the ground, and writhing in pain, Stefan begs Tyler for help.  “We don’t want to break the Moonstone Curse,” Stefan pleads to his “friend.”

“But I DO,” replies Tyler, before shooting him in the leg. (Oooh, Steffy!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?)

While Tyler continues to hold Stefan at gunpoint, Wereoaf Brady chases Elena around the Lakehouse, saying creepy things to her like, “I can smell you.”  (Is it just me, or does Elena get chased around houses by psychos, EVERY SINGLE EPISODE?)

“Awwww, man, NOT AGAIN!  This kickass boots I’m wearing are simply not made for running stairs.”

Fortunately, for Elena, she manages to incapacitate Wereoaf Brady, long enough for a now-conscious Stefan to rip out his heart, Elijah Style (Am I spotting a new- trend here?)

“Hey, Elena . . . guess what we’re having for dinner tonight?  I hear it tastes JUST LIKE CHICKEN!”

(By the way, is it just me, or do the “hearts” on this show always seem to resemble hand grenades?  Maybe that is supposed to be “symbolic” or something . . .)

Nice knowin’ ya, Wereoaf Brady!  That’s what ya get, for Screwing with Vampire Barbie!

Stefan briefly contemplates de-hearting Tyler too.  But, ultimately, he decides against it.  Instead, the Younger Salvatore informs the Temporary Villain that this Moonstone Curse he seems so intent on breaking, requires Elena to DIE, in order for him to accomplish it. 

“I’m sorry Elena.  I didn’t know what they were going to do to you.  I just didn’t want to be like this anymore,” Tyler mumbles guiltily.

Too little, too late?  I’d say so, if I was Elena.  But our girl, Gilbert, has a heart of PURE GOLD.  And she responds to Tyler’s admittedly inadequate apology for breaking into her dead parents’ home, SHOOTING HER BOYFRIEND, and stalking her with a Were-oaf, by offering him up one of her trademark hugs . . .

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Hugs by Elena:  They can turn even the baddest of boys, GOOD!  Just ask THIS GUY!

Wonder of wonders, Elena’s Magic Hug does seem to do it’s job on Tyler.  Toward the end of the episode, our favorite Teen Wolf once again heads to the Scene of the Phone-Stealing Crime (Seriously, I hope he RETURNED that!  Caroline seems like a gal who REALLY likes her phone).   Once again, he confronts Matt, with whom he had “words” earlier on in the episode . . .

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Apparently, Clueless Matt is FINALLY getting tired of being lied to.  He also realizes that Tyler and Caroline are obviously in love are the ones doing most of the lying to him.  Understandably, it pisses him off.  Tyler, who recognizes this, comes clean to Matt, by saying the SWEETEST PRO-FORWOOD SPEECH IMAGINABLE!

And here it is:

“I’ve been going through a rough time, something I can’t really talk about. And Caroline’s been helping me through it. She’s been there for me, more than anyone’s ever been there my entire life. And I kinda fell for her. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t because she’s pretty incredible. She loves you, and she needs you. And to be honest, she deserves someone like you, so you be good to her. Okay?”

You can watch the scene, in all it’s Forwoody Awesomness, here:

Honestly?  I know it doesn’t take back his pansy-assedness of last week, or his douchiness of this one.  And yet, Tyler’s speech to Matt, which SO OBVIOUSLY came out of the Damon Salvatore: Bad Boy Pining and Self-Sacrificing for Dummies Handbook, by the way,  (Watch that FABULOUS scene from “Rose” again, and compare, if you don’t believe me!).

“I know, I’m awesome!”

 . . . had the impact of giving me TOTAL amnesia of all of Tyler’s bad acts, and only leaving me with THIS . . .

Oh, yeah!  I’m THAT easy!

And, BECAUSE, af ter a brief hiatus, I am now totally on Team Tyler again, I found the end of the episode, in which Tyler visits Caroline secretly, one last time . . .

 . . . leaves his own mother a Dear John note . . .

 . . . and escapes to Lord Knows Where, but definitely away from Mystic Falls, with Soul Crusher Jules . . .

 . . . so incredibly hearbreaking.

Not that I don’t think that Tyler will be BACK, or anything.  Because he TOTALLY WILL!  The question is, however  . . . will Caroline be waiting for him, when he returns . . .

*Sigh* MAN, I hope so!  Because this . . .

 . . . is not something you can just throw away!

Did I mention that, when Stefan learns Elijah’s true intentions from Damon, and confronts Elena about how her “friend” basically wants her to DIE, she says that ALREADY KNOWS, AND DOESN”T GIVE TWO SH*TS?

Contrary to what we might have assumed, Elijah did NOT trick Elena into thinking he was going to save her, when he had no intention of doing so.  Rather, Elena VOLUNTARILY agreed to sacrifice her life, so that Elijah would spare the lives of the people she loves (LIKE DAMON!).  Stefan, of course, is so TOTALLY not cool with the idea of his girlfriend playing martyr . . .

He’s also kind of pissed at her for saying that the two had a “LONG FUTURE” ahead of them (back when she was trying to get into his pants, earlier on in the trip), when she knew all along that it wasn’t the case.  (See? I told you that sappy Stelena scene at the beginning of the episode would be important!)

And yet, watching this exchange, I found myself only thinking of ONE thing:  What’s DAMON going to do, when he finds out about Elena’s Quest for Martyrdom?  Because, you KNOW Damon’s going to have some sort of a plan to save his Lady Love!

Personally?   I’m hoping it involves him showing up in Elena’s bedroom naked, and COMPELLING her to want to stay alive, using body parts other than his eyes, if you catch my drift.  Of course, that’s just me .  . .

And that’s all I’ve got, Fangbangers!  As for next week’s TVD installment, “The Dinner Party” you can check out the Extended Promo here:

Dinner party hijinks?  Elijah being awesome?  Damon snarking at everyone?  A petulant Katherine?  The return of DARK STEFAN?  Am I the only one wishing it was Thursday, already?

See ya, then!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Rumble at the Were-House – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Daddy Issues”

Let’s Get Ready to RUMBLE! 

So, not only did this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries offer us a Supernatural Battle Royale of EPIC Proportions  (Eat your HEARTS out, Twilight and True Blood!), it also provided a whole BOATLOAD of Gushy Relationship Stuff, sure to appease your inner fangirl, no matter WHO your favorite TVD Couple might be *cough Delena and Forwood cough*  Not to mention, there was WAY more Naked Damon Salvatore in this hour than you could shake a stick at (not that anyone would want to . . . shake sticks at him, I mean.)

Ladies, there is PLENTY more where this came from . . .

See, Damon . . . I know you had kind of a rough go of it last week . . . with all those “tears” and “feelings” and “stuff.”  But even YOU’VE got to admit, things are WAY better in Mystic Falls without Man-Stealer Rabid Rose to kill your buzz, aren’t they?

Harsh, but true, Girlfriend!

See?  I knew eventually you’d come to see things, my way!

Honestly, this episode put me in SUCH a good mood, that I’m not even particularly bothered by Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie . . . yet.

I’ve got two words for you, New Girl:  Thin . . . Ice.

So, what are we waiting for, Fangbangers?   Let’s get DIRTY and NAKED, with our “Daddy Issues!”  And then, if we’re REAL good, Damon promises to help us “lather up and clean off” by the episode’s end!  Sound like a plan?

A Lot of People Died Last Week . . . Hey . . . wait . . . is that Naked Damon?

It’s morning in Mystic Falls.  Everyone’s got their eye on the morning news, and a re waiting for the Daily Traffic and Weather Report.  Here’s the scoop on both . . . Mystic Falls is about to get WAY more crowded, not to mention a whole lot WETTER . . .

*sigh*

Those of you who have always wondered about the sheer quantity of Senseless Deaths in Mystic Falls, and whether anyone in the godforsaken town ever cared to notice them, got your answer this week.  Yes, the townsfolk do seem to notice.  That’s why last week’s ENTIRE bloody body count made it into the town’s local TV news, within the first few minutes of the episode.  It’s also why Mystic Falls’ Random Event of the Week this week was . . . you guessed it . . . a Memorial Service.

And honestly, I’d like to tell you a bit more about it, such as where to send flowers, and where all the funerals will be held.  The problem is, I missed the end of the news broadcast, because I got a bit . . .  distracted.

Hey . . . wait, isn’t that Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie on the TV Screen?

(These Orgasmic GIFs have been brought to you by, The Vampire Diaries Tumblr)

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . where was I again?

Oh yeah, Lots of Dead People . . . Town in Peril .  . . Carnage . . . Werewolves .  . . which reminds me . . .

Tyler and Caroline DO IT on top of her car . . . But “IT” isn’t quite what we were hoping for . . .

So, remember last week, when us Forwood (i.e. Caroline and Tyler) fans, got all our little panties up in a bunch, because a certain Romantic Automobile Scene from the promos was suspiciously absent from the episode?

And then, as we were sharpening our pitchforks, ready to give the writers a real piece of our minds, THIS happened, and all was magically forgiven . . .

Well, as promised, Tyler DID manage to get Caroline up on the hood of her car this week . . . just not in the way we wanted him to . . .

“Fooled ya, didn’t I, Forwood Fans?”

If you recall, last week, Jules the Werewolf Soul Crusher revealed to Tyler in the final moments of the episode that his Vampire Barbie might not be quite the Little Angel he always assumed she was.  To give you a better idea of the effect this probably had on Tyler, try to remember how you felt the first time you learned that Santa Claus wasn’t real . . .

Sorry, if I spoiled that for you, kiddies!  But Soul Crusher and I do sort of/ kind of share a first name.  So, what did you expect?

Given what we saw at the end of “The Descent” and the little snippets of the episode to which we were treated in the promos, we pretty much knew that Tyler wasn’t going to be too happy with his Gal Friday, when he saw her again this week.  What we might not have banked on, however, was that Poor Caroline would be so blissfully unaware of her Favorite Werewolf Pal’s sudden change in mood . . .

(While I would LOVE to take credit for this Fabulous Photographic Manipulation, it was actually created, believe it or not, by Matt Davis, a.k.a Alaric Saltzman, and given to me as a “gift” by my fabulous Blogger Pal, Cherie . . .)

So, here we have Caroline, still floating on Cloud Nine, after that AMAZING Kiss she shared with Tyler last week, when she steps out onto her front porch, and finds the Man with the Marvelous Tongue, himself, waiting for her there, once again.  “We need to talk,” says Tyler, his intense eyes piercing Caroline’s soul, as his oh-so-familiar words, send her spiraling upward into an ecstatic high that is undoubtedly The BEST CASE OF DEJA VU EVER!

So, Caroline starts babbling on in an elated rush, saying words she clearly doesn’t mean AT ALL . . . something about how “[they] can’t go there,” and “Matt,” and “feelings,” and blah, blah, blah.

While PRE-Soul Crushed Tyler would have undoubtedly accepted Caroline’s justifications with a sweet smile, some flirtatious words, and a renewed vow of friendship that would SURELY culminate in Super Hot Were Vamp Sex, by the end of the evening, Post-Soul Crushed Tyler just nods expressionless, like a sly cat, just waiting to pounce on his prey.  And because we all know too well, the misdeeds of which THIS Tyler is capable, we can’t help but feel just a teensy bit worried for Caroline, as she walks nonchalantly toward her car.

That’s when the other shoe drops . . .

“What happened to Mason?”  Tyler asks icily.

“Awwww, CRAP!”

“He’s dead.  Because Stefan and Damon Salvatore killed him, because they are vampires . . . just like you,” Tyler remarks coldly, looking right through Poor Caroline, as he speaks.

But then, Tyler softens, and a bit of that old charming vulnerability shows through his tough veneer.  In this single moment, Tyler is subconsciously willing Caroline to prove him wrong. . . to allow him to continue to believe her to be his perfect angelic savior, “Is it true?”  He asks softly.

Caroline’s eyes fill up with tears.  She nods . . . slowly.  And then THIS happens . . .

So, Caroline’s up against the car, and in Tyler’s arms, just like we wanted.  And yet, somehow, I don’t think our favorite Baby Werewolf is about to tell Caroline that “whatever [she] needs, [he is] there for [her]” . . .

“I trusted you,” yells Tyler through clenched teeth, as his eyes go gold with werewolf rage.

Fortunately, Caroline’s tears, along with the look of abject terror in her eyes, bring Tyler back to himself.  And so he lets go of Caroline’s jacket collar, shakes the supernatural rage out of his countenance, and stalks away sadly . . .

Useless Jenna Learns ONE of the 50 MILLION Secrets her friends and family have been hiding from her for at least TWO years  . . .

Last week, I suggested that Clueless Matt Donovan go and rent The Vampire Diaries, Season 1 and Season 2 (Now available for pre-order!) DVD’s to get him up to speed on EVERYTHING his so-called “friends” have been lying about to him, since the beginning of the series.  . .

This week, I’m going to take my suggestion one step further, and suggest that Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna watch the entire series TOGETHER in one long Blockbuster marathon weekend.  It would be fun for them, I think.  They could braid eachother’s hair, talk about girls, eat Chunky Monkey off Alaric’s naked body  . . . you know, the usual stuff.

Just think about how many LIVES this would save, and how fewer Super Villains would be invited into the Gilbert Home as a result! 

(Fortunately, though, Jenna has already invited in Elijah, because he’s . . . you know . . . AWESOME.)

So, anyway, Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in Mystic Falls.  And he’s lurking around the Gilbert Kitchen, like a rat on the tracks of a New York City subway station.

We can tell immediately that Bio Dad’s return has had a negative impact on our girl Elena, by the uncharacteristically high ponytail she sports throughout the episode . . .

Then again, perhaps, the new do was supposed to represent the return of Elena’s “inner child,” or something.  I don’t know . . .

Kat looks on with disapproval, as she helpfully suggests a more “fashionable” updo for her favorite fellow Petrova Doppelganger.

While Creepy Uncle / Father John is waxing poetic about how he “loves Elena” and is “here to protect her,” Useless Aunt Jenna stumbles down the steps, a bit sore after a night of Super Hot Screwing with Alaric.  And let’s just say, the sight of the Evil Brother-in-Law she once banged TOTALLY kills her Post-Sex buzz.  When Useless Aunt Jenna tries to kick John out of the house, he and Elena decide to drop a total bombshell on her.  John is Elena’s Bio Dad.  Who knew?  (Well . . . aside from . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY else in the WORLD.)

Speaking of HAIR-RAISING Situations . . .

The Salvatore Brothers Discuss the Logistics of Hero Hair, And Other Pressing Issues . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, the Salvatore Brothers are engaging in an important Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  So, guess who was the main subject of this conversation?  (By the way, if you didn’t answer “Elena,” I’d hereby like to extend to you an invitation to a TVD DVD Marathon Viewing Party, hosted by Clueless Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna.)

“You brought back, JOHN GILBERT?  THAT was your big Save Elena Move?”  Damon asks, incredulously.  (Yeah, Stefan!  I’m inclined to agree with Damon on this one.  Bringing back the Bio Dad earns you a C- tops in my Book of Hero Worship, Baby Salvatore.)

“He tried to BAKE ME TO A CRISP,” Damon reminds his brother, as if any further illumination as to the awfulness of Stefan’s idea is actually necessary.

NO ONE tries to BAKE my Future Boyfriend, and gets away with it!  And yes, I’m ALSO looking at you TOO, Bonnie Firestarter Bennett!  Don’t think I’ve forgotten, because I haven’t . . .

Yet, Stefan has always been a “Go with the Devil you KNOW” sort of guy.  As such, he trusts Creepy Uncle/ Father John and Mommy Dearest Isobel, over the Kickass Awesome Elijah (who, though NOT my Future Boyfriend, I would totally sleep with, especially after this week’s episode).   Stefan hopes that the Diabolical Duo will surprise him, by actually having the best interests of their daughter at heart.  He also figures, as Katherine suggested a few episodes back, that they could clue him into the complex conundrum that is Vampire Santa Klaus and his BIG SACRIFICE.

“As, if I didn’t have ENOUGH problems,” gripes Damon, referring of course, to his recent discovery of FEELINGS, which was brought on by the loss of Man-Stealer Rabies Head Rose.  “I’m changing Stefan.  I may just have to get a Hero Hairdo of my own, and steal your thunder.”

Hero Hairdo:  Check!

Thunder stolen: Double Check!

Papa Vamp Scolds Baby Vamp for Hanging out with a Bad Crowd . . .

“If you so much as LOOK at that Bad News Werewolf again, you are SO GROUNDED, Missy!”

You know, when we learned that the title of this episode was going to be “Daddy Issues,” we undoubtedly were reminded of the VERY MANY dysfunctional families on this show.  The Gilbert Family . . . The Lockwood Family . . . The Salvatore Family, all of them share one thing in common:  Bad Dads!  And yet, most of us, probably forgot about what is undoubtedly the most FUNCTIONAL family unit on this show, Papa Stefan and his Baby Vamp Caroline . . .

Yes, I KNOW, technically it was DAMON, and not Stefan, who’s blood gave Caroline eternal life.  And yet, Caroline has really been without a father figure, for much of the series.  By taking Caroline under his wing, supporting her emotionally, and teaching her how to live a relatively Law Abiding Vampire Lifestyle, Stefan is like the Great Dad Caroline never had . . .

So, it really shouldn’t have surprised any of us that THEIR relationship, was one of chief one’s explored this week.  After Damon leaves La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Caroline emergency texts Stefan, before arriving on his doorstep.  Though she tries to put on a brave face, she is clearly worried about the repercussions of her recent altercation with Tyler . . .

Stefan warns Caroline that Damon will probably KILL her Were-Beau, if he finds out Teen Wolf may have just switched over to TEAM Wolf.  “What if he retaliates?”  Stefan wonders out loud.

“You have to talk to him,” Caroline pleads, in a tone specifically reserved for daughters asking for BIG FAVORS from their fathers.  “You always know the right thing to say . . . He and I were . . . are . . . friends who just so happen to really like making out with one another, and pushing one another up against motor vehicles.”

Speaking of Tyler . . .

Soul Crusher Jules tries her hand at playing Mommy . . . Dearest.

“Yes, Tyler, I AM fondling your knee inappropriately right now . . . But I’m only doing it because I want to have Hot Canine Sex with you want to show you just how much I care.”

Now, I know we all HATE Soul Crusher Jules for not killing Rose sooner the major damage she caused to the Budding Forwood Romance.  And yet, after this week, I’m starting to think that HER intentions (I, of course, am NOT speaking for the rest of her Dog Pack!) are not nearly as diabolical, as we once thought.  At first, I assumed that Jules was only interested in luring Tyler to the Dark Side, because she ultimately wanted to use him in The Sacrifice, just as Katherine did with Mason earlier this season.  I don’t think that’s the case, anymore.

Yeah, B*tch, you keep those hands in your lap, where they BELONG!  Just because I gave you a compliment, doesn’t mean I want you trying to hook up with Caroline’s MAN!

The typically frigid Jules is uncommonly warm and, dare I say, maternal, this week, as she invites Tyler to frolic with the rest of her wolf pack, and learn the ways of the Supernatural World.  “Your new life as a lycanthrope is just beginning.  Us werewolves have a Code of Loyalty.  It is my duty and honor to help you.  Please let me,” Jules offers.

Given that Tyler now feels completely alone in this world, as a result of his broken friendship with Caroline, you can imagine how enticing an offer like this might seem to a guy like him.  And yet, Tyler’s still very much a teenage boy!  We forget that sometimes, because the actor who plays him is 26 he looks like THIS . . .

But, this week, Tyler reminded us, by uttering these, OH SO ADORABLE next lines, “I can’t just run AWAY!  Mom would FREAK!”

(Awwww . . . Tyler, I love you!)

Elena Reintroduces her SOULMATE (Yeah, I said it!) to her Bio Dad

I now pronounce you Vamp and Wife.   You may kiss the bride . . .

Elsewhere, Damon and Elena are in agreement that Stefan’s idea to bring Uncle /Father John back to Mystic Falls was TOTALLY IDIOTIC!  But while, OLD DAMON would have simply beat the crap out of Bio Dad, which, admit it, would be SO fun to watch, NEW DAMON who undoubtedly sees Creepy Uncle / Father John as his future Father-in-Law is willing to engage him in a “civil” conversation.  “I’m the Good Guy, now,” Damon explains matter-of-factly . . . (Ummm . . . tell that to Dead Jessica, Damon!)

“I’m coming with you,” Elena replies, seeming a bit to eager to go frolicking with someone who is “just a friend,” I might add.  (Can you blame her?)

When Damon and Elena arrive at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, they run into the WHOLE REST OF THE EXTENDED GILBERT FAMILY.  Alaric, Useless Aunt Jenna, and Uncle / Father John are all in attendance.  All we need are Stefan and Jeremy, and this could be a Wedding Rehearsal Dinner!

“NO, DAMON!  We are NOT having the wedding here.  I don’t care if it IS the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  I’d rather go to Vegas . . .”

Useless Aunt Jenna takes this fine opportunity to introduce her “new bestie” Reporter Andie Starr to Damon, because Andie is apparently a Big Ole Ho (much like Jenna, herself), who’s really looking to get down and dirty with a Hot Vamp.

But, like we said, Damon is a “Good Guy” now, and “Good Guys” don’t bone other chicks at their future wife’s wedding rehearsal.  So, Damon rejects Andie’s ass . . . at least, initially, as Elena looks on, undoubtedly feeling smug as hell.

*sings*  “I still got him!  You can’t have him!  Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah!”

Damon then announces that he is “steering clear of all women.”  And at that moment, I hear the collective wails of every female on the entire planet.  (Fortunately, he only keeps that promise for about 20 more minutes.)

Damon then tries to muscle information about Klaus and The Sacrifice out of Uncle / Father John, by using a candle as a metaphor for the Creepo’s life, should he prove to be untrustworthy.

Unfortunately, John isn’t the sort of man to be intimidated by vampires who “know how to give blow jobs out candles.”  To the contrary, he is INTRIGUED by them.

“I need to know I can blow trust you.  Then we can talk,” responds John, before strutting away effeminately.

Speaking of the game of Suck and Blow, let’s head over to the Trailer Park, were Soul Crusher Jules has returned to reunite with some old Chew Toys friends . . .

Bad DOGS!

Meet Werewolf Brady.  He dresses like a farmer, and talks like a Comic Book Villain.  But, at least for now, we will let those things slide, because (1) he is hot (duh!); and (2) he’s making out with Soul Crusher Jules, which will likely prevent her from making a play for Tyler, at least until the Big Brawny Were-oaf kicks the bucket, which Villains like him often tend to do on this show, typically within about 3 episodes. . .

JULES: “What’s that I taste on your breath?  Have you been eating Girl Scout Cookies?”

BRADY:  “Not the cookies. . .  just the scouts.”

After they are done swapping dog breath, Jules and Brady talk about their MASTER PLAN.  Brady wants to avenge fellow dog, Mason’s untimely death.  Jules wants Tyler’s hot teen wolf ass for her pack collection.  So, they compromise, and decide to get both.  (Hear that?  That’s your Werewolf Code of Loyalty at work, people!  It’s a Doggone Dogmocracy!)

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion. . .

Stefan and Tyler get Up Close and Personal . . .

It sure is convenient that Stefan was invited into the Lockwood House during the Season Premiere, to attend the Mayor’s funeral.  Otherwise, he would have NEVER been able to do THIS.  At first, Stefan, ever the pragmatist, tries to calmly discuss the ways in which a Supernatural World can be Super-Friendly TOO!  “We can really use a Scooby Doo in our Scooby Gang.  You interested?  Mini Gilbert’s getting mighty lonely, playing Scrappy, all by himself!  Vampires and Werewolves can live together in harmony,” Stefan, more or less, tells Tyler, in his own TVD version of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” Speech.

But Tyler’s not really buying it.  So Stefan instead tries some Tough Love, by throwing Teen Wolf up against the wall.  (Actually, I’m pretty sure there’s something in the contracts of the actors on this show, that requires someone to be shoved up against a wall, at least once per episode.)  “Without a Full Moon, you are no match for me,” he growls at Tyler.  “And, while we’re at it, stop being such a dick to [Caroline]!”

Stefan’s harsh actions frightens Tyler, so much, that he ends up calling “Mommy” . . . and by “Mommy” I mean, of course, Soul Crusher Jules.  (BIG MISTAKE, TYLER!  HUGE!)

“Omigod!  You SHOT Caroline!  You, bastards!”

Before you can say “RUN CAROLINE!,” Jules and Brady have cornered their baby vamp, against her car . . . AGAIN.  (Note to Caroline:  Learn to use public transportation.)

See?  Much better!

And then, Brady . . . SHOOTS CAROLINE IN THE HEAD, WITH A WOODEN BULLET!

Source (for the awesome gif, of course, the MONKEY IS ALL MINE! 🙂

Fortunately, for Caroline, she’s made of Sugar and Spice and Vampire Awesome!  So, she can pop those bullets out of her body, like it’s Child’s Play.  Thank goodness, Caroline is such a True Blood / Vampire Eric Northman fan, otherwise, she never would have known about this unusual skill set of hers . . .

“Hey, Tyler!  Caroline needs you to suck something out of her neck . . .”

Unfortunately, though, getting shot still HURTS LIKE HELL!  And Caroline, who’s been thrown into a CAGE by Crazy Jail Warden Were-Oaf Brady, is getting shot at A LOT!

Of course, having watched the promos, most of us KNEW that this was going to happen to Caroline, eventually, this week.  And yet, that didn’t deaden the impact Brady’s torture of Caroline had on us fans AT ALL.  Kudos to Candice Accola, who’s hoarse cries of helplessness, screams of pain, and pleading, “Why are you doing this to me?”  literally brought tears to my eyes, every time the gun went off. 

Brady’s Hotness Points = Officially flushed down my toilet.  DIE DOGGY, DIE!

(That being said, this may sound awful but . . . was anybody else slightly relieved that, contrary to what the promos would have us believe, Tyler didn’t, at least consciously, have any part in this?)

When Stefan calls Caroline’s phone to see if she is OK, Jules picks up, and gives Stefan an earful of his surrogate sire’s anguished screams.  “You have twenty minutes,” she says.  “Bring Tyler or Caroline dies.”

It’s time to call your brother, Stefan!  Because it looks like YOU are going to need some serious reinforcements . . .

“Be the Better Man.”

As a TVD fan, and a recapper, I generally like to try to find the bright side in things.  And if there was a bright side to Caroline’s painful torture, at least STORYLINE wise, it was THIS scene between Damon and Elena.  When Damon receives the call from Stefan about what’s going down with Caroline and the weres, Damon’s got blood on the brain . . . Tyler’s blood. 

As is typical of her in such situations, Elena begs Damon to be “good,” and not kill Tyler.  And yet, Elena does something a bit different this time, to make herself seem more persuasive.  It’s something we haven’t really seen her do, since the Bad Moon Rising episode, where she manipulated Damon, who she HATED at the time, into giving her information about Katherine.  Elena seductively places her hand on Damon’s arm, and holds it there.   She then looks deep into his eyes, and says, “Too many people die here.  Be the better man.”

Source

The significance of this movement is not lost on Damon, who knows EXACTLY what his lady love is attempting.  And he is NOT happy with it . . . at all.  “You need to stop doing that . . . assuming that I’m going to be the Good Guy, just because it’s YOU, who’s asking.”

And yet, in a few moments, we will see that Damon does EXACTLY what Elena wants him to do, PRECISELY because it is her who did the asking.  They call marriage the  Old Ball and Chain for a REASON, Damon!  And you are TOTALLY whipped!

Sidenote:  I found this scene particularly interesting, because it called to mind a recent interview that Nina Dobrev gave to Wetpaint.com.  In it, Nina argued that, even though Damon made her FORGET his declaration of love for her, Elena definitely knows how Damon feels about her, “Of course, Elena doesn’t know, because Damon didn’t outright tell her… but she knows. You know when someone likes you or is in love with you,” she says.

In the Bad Moon Rising episode, Elena manipulated Damon’s desire to “be her friend” again, after the whole Jeremy Neck Snap Incident.  But this week, we saw the first signs of Elena’s awareness of Damon’s LOVE for her.  Though Elena may have always had a subconscious knowledge of the extent of Damon’s feelings, this is really the closest she has come to acknowledging them, indulging them, and using them to her advantage.  Is it mean?  Absolutely, does it bring a smile to this Delena Fan’s face, anyway?  YOU BET IT DOES!

Then Damon tells Uncle / Father John to babysit his own daughter (something, he’s probably NEVER done before, by the way), and heads off to Fight for Team Salvatore.

Vampires versus Werewolves versus . . . Warlocks?

Hey, look!  It’s the Three Hotmigos!

At the Were-House Salvatore Squared form a Salvatoreo Sandwich around Tyler their bargaining chip.  “Release Caroline, and you will get Tyler,” bargains Stefan.

“We are going to try his way, before my way,” snarks Damon.  “My way is a bit bloodier.”

Of course, our Scooby Gang is feeling pretty confident at this point that they can overtake Soul Crusher Jules, especially considering the apparent Lack of Full Moon Wolfiness surrounding her.  But then, Jules calls in for reinforcements . . .

And that puts an end to THAT idea.   The Salvatore’s drop Tyler like the hotcake he is!  So Baby Were heads inside the trailer to do what he should have done ALL ALONG — FREE CAROLINE!

Meanwhile, outside, the Weres and Vamps are at a bit of a Standoff.  “Which one of you killed, Mason?”  Were-oaf Brady asks.

“That would be, ME!”  Damon replies happily.

“Make sure that one suffers,” Brady responds maniacally.

And suffer he will, because these weres don’t mess around!  They’ve got fire power, and an arsenal of crazy weapons that would make Alaric Saltzman proud.   The Salvatore Brothers don’t have weapons or fire with them today . . . just a Can a of Whup Ass, and a Heaping Helping of AWESOME!

Source

Honestly, I wish there were more gifs and picspam of the Were/ Vamp fight, because it was downright FANTASTIC to watch.  And yet, when Caroline emerged from the trailer, and THIS happened to her . . .

 . . . I stopped paying attention to the fight, and started yelling at Tyler to get his butt over there and HELP OUT!  He didn’t . . .

But you know who did?  THIS GUY . . .

Who the HECK would have thought that the Jonas Brother from Another Mother would end up being a Savior of Salvatores?  And yet, save them he did, by giving all the werewolves in the place a massive dose of that BIG BAD HEADACHE thing we always see Bonnie using on all the vampires.  Within moments, all the weres are incapacitated (except Tyler).   Everyone left standing is looking at this guy in shock, as if to say, “Who the f*ck are you?”

“Elijah made a promise to Elena.  I’m here to see that it is upheld.  Go now,” says Jonas to Caroline, Stefan and Damon.

He then turns his attention to Tyler . . .

“When your friends awaken, give them a message.  They need to get the hell out of this town.”

OK . . . so remember when I told you I fell in LOVE with Elijah this week?  THIS is why!

Source

When Elijah promised Elena that none of her friends would get HURT, I assumed that promise would be strictly limited to them getting hurt by OTHER VAMPIRES  .  . . I didn’t think he would take it as far as to act as a 24-7 PERSONAL BODY GUARD to ALL of Elena’s friends.  Now that is just PURE AWESOME!  In fact, if Elijah actually APPEARED in this episode, I probably would have hugged my television screen (and probably got massive electric shock, as a result).

A Friend in Need . . .

Of all the characters on TVD this week, Caroline probably wins the WORST DAY EVER AWARD.  And yet, when Stefan comes to check on her, after the whole “Cage Ordeal,” she offers him a pained smile, and promises him that she is going to be just fine.

“I’m not your girly little Caroline anymore,” notes the Baby Vamp ruefully.  “I can handle myself.”

“You sure can,” replies Stefan, before leaving Caroline to pick the rest of the wood out of her ass.

Caroline offers the same brave face to Matt, when he calls to tell her that she forgot to meet up with him.  (Ummm . . . she’s been a bit busy, Dude!  If you watched those DVD’s like I told you to, you would KNOW that!)  Though Caroline claims that she can’t see her Ex-Beau, because she is “taking care of Bonnie,” Matt, who is working at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls at the time, knows that this is a bald-faced lie . . .

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Yeah . . . so apparently Jeremy and Bonnie are like “Boyfriend / Girlfriend” now.  Whatev . . .

Caroline may have been perky with Stefan, and sweetly dismissive with Matt, but she shows no such restraint with Tyler, when he shows up her door to apologize for  her whole “Being Locked up in a Cage, and Shot in the Head Multiple Times by my Crazy Dog Pound Friends” thing . . .

“I lied to protect my friends.  I lied to protect you.  I expected you to HELP, but you just STOOD THERE . . . It is too late, Tyler.  We are not friends, anymore.  What happened tonight will NEVER happen again.  Take THAT back to your Were Pack and get the hell out of my house!”

Now, I have to admit that, THOUGH HE TOTALLY DESERVED it for being a COMPLETE WUSS, during the Supernatural Battle Royale of 2011, when Caroline went off on Tyler like that, I got a bit teary.  And there was a big part of me that wanted to give Tyler a hug . . .

But that part of me got MAJORLY PISSED off all over again, when Tyler went running to his new Crazy Were-Losers, and  told them about THE MOONSTONE!

Seriously, Doofus?  Did Stefan’s “I Have a Were/Vamp Dream” Speech teach you ABSOLUTELY nothing?”

You are SO on my poopy list, now Tyler!

Speaking of my Poopy List . . .

Creepy Uncle / Father D-bag

Meanwhile, Creepy Uncle / Father John tried to “play nice” by giving Elena her adoptive mom’s bracelet . . .

 . . . and teaching Damon how to kill an Original Vampire using stakes and ash.  (IS THAT IT?  Honestly, I was hoping you would need something way cooler than that to kill someone as awesome as Elijah . . . Pennies from Heaven, perhaps?)

But then John screwed up EVERYTHING by joining Team Katherine, and promising to free her from her tomb . . .

Then again, THIS could be an excellent opportunity for us Kefan fans to get the REAL Katherine / Stefan sex scene we’ve all been dreaming of, for quite some time now . . .

KJewls Poopy List

Brady the Were-oaf

Soul Crusher Jules

Were-extras

Rose (even though she’s dead . . . YAY!)

Tyler (for “being a dick to Caroline,” and for spilling the beans about the “Moonstone”)

Creepy Uncle / Father John  (They better have sex, dude!  That’s all I’m going to say.  Or your ass is going right back on this list.)

Alls Well that Ends SEXY!

Back at Caroline’s house, Stefan has commandeered Elena and Bonnie, and transported them to the poor tired Baby Vamp’s place for some MUCH NEEDED Girl Time . . .

Even as a staunch Delena fan, I must admit that my heart softened a bit, when Elena turned to Stefan and mouthed, “I love you,” to him for having  truly been there for her Bestie, when she needed it most.  Undoubtedly,  while all this is happening, Elena is thinking about what a good DAD Stefan would be . .  . if he were ever actually capable of having kids .  . . which he’s not. 

Speaking of Delena . . .

I know that technically it’s “weird” of me to classify this scene, which features Damon naked and necking with that random reporter chick, as a Delena scene.  And yet, it’s not what Damon DOES in this scene that’s important (OK . . . who am I kidding? Damon being naked is ALWAYS important!) . . .

 . . . but rather, what he SAYS, during the scene (while naked) that’s so very satisfying to me, and, I suspect to other members’ of my Mother Ship . . .

“I need help, because I love a woman I WILL ABSOLUTELY EVENTUALLY HAVE can never have,” Damon tells his new Sex Toy, while gulping down glasses of wine, and lathering his hot bod with soap bubbles.  “I’m in love with her, and it’s driving me crazy.  I’m not in control . . .  I’m bad . . . I do things . . . I kill people,” Damon adds, before compelling Andie to be calm, in a super hot way, that involves her staring at his luscious lips, and intense eyes.

(OK . . . does this make you calm?  Because it makes me positively hornygiddy!)

” She wants me to be better, but I can’t be,” Damon concludes, his eyes welling up with tears for maybe the third or fourth time this season, which I LOVE!

Long story short . . . Damon still LOVES Elena, so much so, that he’s become one of those guys that talks about the girl he LOVES with the girl he SLEEPS with. 

Now, what I’m actually liking about Andie, and why she’s TOTALLY cool with me so far — in a way that Rose never was — is that she’s perfectly happy to just be the Booty Call.  So far, at least, Random Reporter Sex Toy sees no need to be in a “relationship” with Damon, or even really be his friend.  She’s just his “distraction,” and that’s FINE with her!

In fact, Andie acts like most of us probably would act, if we were lucky enough to be making out in a bathtub with Damon Salvatore  — just thrilled to be THERE! 🙂  Andie even gives Damon some pretty awesome advice, “Love does that . . . it changes people.  You can change.”  (You are right, Andie!  HE CAN CHANGE!  The question is, do we really want him to?)

In the end, Damon is tired of listening to Andie talk.  (So, are we! )  So, he tells her to just kiss him, and be his distraction.  And doggonit if it’s not the most romantic, “I plan to use you for sex, and you will like it” pickup line, I have ever heard in my entire life!

(Of course, I’m ad-libbing a bit  here, because it’s about 4 am, and this is the LONGEST RECAP I HAVE EVER WRITTEN!  But you can check out the full scene, in all its Nudy Glory here.)

And that was the amazing “Daddy Issues” episode, in a VERY LARGE, nutshell.  Thanks for reading, Fangbangers! 

[www.juliekushner.com]

Watch out for those mood swings! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Descent”

Nice knowing ya, Rosie!  Well . . . actually . . . it wasn’t all that nice.   But to rank on the dead is just in poor taste.  Don’t ya think?

Welcome back, fellow Fangbangers!  How excited are you to have TVD back on your weekly TV viewing schedule?  Because I’m positively THRILLED!

Tonight’s mid-season premiere episode DEFINITELY did not disappoint!  The entire hour was JAM PACKED with massive makeout sessions (there were THREE!), major betrayals (Who’d have thought Jules would end up being a scarier super villain than Old Vampire Elijah?), suspense, oodles of sexual tension, and LOTS of dead bodies (I think this may have been the bloodiest episode in TVD history!). 

But perhaps, most importantly, this episode showcased the PHENOMENON that is Ian Somerhalder.  Damon Salvatore broke my heart, and RIPPED IT OUT, many times over, throughout this episode.  And his final scene positively stopped my heart.

Would someone PLEASE give this man an Emmy?  PLEASE!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s RIP into this recap.  Shall we?

(By the way, Katherine was no where to be found, anywhere in the episode.  Bonnie and Jeremy were missing too, for that matter.  Very strange . . .)

Worst Camping Trip EVER!

Question:  Which TVD character would you most want to go on a camping trip with?  Answer:  Not JULES! 

The episode begins with Jules waking up stark naked in the forest.  “Well THAT sounds like a FUN Camping Trip,” you say!  Ummm . . . yeah, but not when you wake up naked next to a HEAPING PILE OF GROSS DEAD BODIES AND DISMEMBERED LIMBS!

Realizing that her werewolf self must have REALLY gone off her diet last night (Campers are SO fattening!), Jules begins the process of torching the place, to destroy all evidence of her binge.  But when a park ranger arrives on the scene, Jules knows she has to think fast.  So she rushes into the bloody tent and starts fake crying about how “A Werewolf ate all my friends!  Boo HOO HOO  Wahhhh!”

Helpful Mr. Park Ranger decides to help “Poor Defenseless Jules” by “calling in the accident [to the local police].”  BAD MOVE!  Within a second, Jules has wacked Ranger Rick to death, with some nearby wood . . . and NOT in a good way.  See what I mean about this episode being a BLOODBATH?  We haven’t even SEEN the opening title card yet, and already there are approximately five dead bodies (4 campers, and one now-headless ranger).

(Something tells me there’s going to be some HEAVY competition for the Senseless Death Award tonight!)

Stefan rewards fans for surviving the hiatus, by taking off his shirt . . .

So, BEFORE the title card, we get LOTS of death and destruction, and within 30-seconds after it, we get a HALF-NAKED Salvatore!  You’ve gotta hand it to those TVD writers!  They sure know how to give us girls what we want!  Elena is greeted by Shirtless Stefan in his bedroom at La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And, because she cares deeply about us fans and our SUPREME case of Vampire Love Deprivation, she takes FULL advantage of the situation, by pulling him in for a sexy kiss.  (Wouldn’t you?)

Now, if this was DAMON, said kiss would be IMMEDIATELY followed by a raunchy sex scene of EPIC PROPORTIONS.  But this is the “Sensible Vampire Brother.”  And so Stefan decides he and Elena should “talk” instead.  “I’m going to totally ruin the mood, aren’t I?”  Stefan notes wisely, as he PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON.

Mood = Ruined

In typical Sensible Stefan fashion, he would like talk to Elena about her Bad Life Decisions.  Specifically, Stefan is concerned about the Bad Life Decision, that caused Elena to “get in bed” with Elijah (See what I did there?), in order to, presumably, save the rest of the Scooby Gang from suffering Death by Santa Klaus . . .

Elena wryly notes all the times STEFAN has put HIS life in danger, to save her.  Speaking of putting one’s life in danger, it appears that both Elena and Stefan have been taking daily shots of vervain together, which is not nearly as fun as “shots of tequila” . . .

The purpose of this exercise is two-fold.  First, they want to provide Elena protection from ALL the evil vampires that will inevitably try to kill her throughout the rest of the season. Second, they want Stefan to build up a vervain tolerance, a la Vampire Katherine.  Speaking of Vampire Katherine, Elena is postively THRILLED that her doppelganger is still locked away in that tomb.  However, she can’t, for the life of her, understand how Elijah was able to COMPEL her to stay there . . . her being . . . you know . . . a blood sucker and all.

Recalling his “conversation” with Vampire Katherine from the previous episode . . .

I wish my “conversations” went more like this . . .

 . . . Stefan notes that Elena’s Bad Mommy Isobel would be the best person to provide Stefan with the Cliff Notes version of the Original Vampires  for Dummies Handbook.

“Remember ME, b*tches?”

Elena HATES the idea of Stefan getting involved with her Mommy Dearest.  And yet, since she’s “in bed” with Elijah, she really doesn’t have the right to complain about who Stefan chooses to “hang out with,” now does she?

Tell Me Lies.  Tell Me Sweet Little Lies.

 

You know how, when you ask your boyfriend if “these pants make you look fat,” you’re really asking him to lie through his teeth, to make you feel better?  Well, apparently, the same goes for vampires Gnarly Grotesque Werewolf Bites.  When we first reunite with Damon, after a TOO LONG HIATUS . . .

Man, I LOVE this GIF!

 . . . he is playing Doctor Feel Good to an increasingly weepy Man Stealer Rose, who is waxing poetic about her LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG life.  Clearly feeling generous with his compliments, Damon compares Rose to a fine wine, which, if you think about it, is really just a nice way of saying you’re an Old Hag.  When Rose notes that perhaps her time has come to die (Oh, it HAS, honey!  It definitely has!), Damon chastizes her for being a Negative Nelly.  “If you are going to keep being maudlin, I’ll kill you myself, just to put ME out of your misery.”  (Foreshadowing much?)

Doctor Damon then prescribes Rose some tasty vampire blood.  (“Drink a cup of this, and call me in the morning.”)  Rose announces that she thinks the blood is helping her back wound.  But when Damon goes to investigate, it looks like TOTAL CRAP! 

“That is one SERIOUSLY UGLY back!”

And yet, having 140 plus years of practice at being the boyfriend of COUNTLESS girls (and then eating them, of course), Damon knows well enough that Rose wants him to lie through her teeth.  “It looks better!”  He fibs.  “And for the record, those pants don’t make you look fat AT ALL!”

Enter Elena . . . Damon wants HER to lie about Rose’s gnarly back too!

“Oh that sh*t is just GROSS!  That’s what you get for screwing with My Man, HO!”

Elena has come to ask Damon to talk Stefan OUT of contacting Isobel, because she thinks Elijah won’t like it.  Apparently, at some point, during the hiatus, Elena has become Elijah’s b*tch, in more ways than one.  But Damon AGREES with Stefan about getting help from Isobel.  (Hmmmm .  . . I wonder why!)

So, Damon’s not going to help Elena.  But he wants Elena to help HIM, by playing nursemaid to Brokeback Rose, while he heads out on the town.  “Elena is a do-gooder.  It’s in her nature.  She can’t resist,” remarks Damon.  (Awww!  He so luuuuuuuuves her!)

Before Damon can leave, however, Elena pulls him aside.  She wants him to talk about his FEELINGS because she luuuuuves him.  You see, Elena understands Damon, and knows that he’s affected by Rose’s upcoming demise.  Damon, however, isn’t quite ready to let Elena into his screwed up psyche again, not after what happened that LAST time . . .

“I luuuuve you.  It’s just too bad you can’t remember that.  Because we could have really great sex, if you did.”

“Death happens.  The sooner she dies, the better,” explains Damon.  (Awwww, Damon!  I agree.  But we all know you don’t really feel that way about your F*ck Buddy!  And the sooner you accept those feelings, the better!)

But Damon’s right.  All this death stuff is getting kind of maudlin.  It’s time for a change of scenery.  Don’t you think?

 It’s Barbecue Time!

Given that the first 10 minutes of the episode feature a series of dismembered bodies going up in flames, and a gross-out shot of Rose’s charred and bitten back, I’d say the fact that Mystic Falls’ Event of the Week is a Barbecue is a wee bit inappropriate.  Don’t you?

No matter though.  Everything is all rainbows and cute puppies, when Caroline runs into Tyler (who is looking positively adorable in his football uniform, by the way) for the first time since, well  . . . THIS . . .

Caroline, ever the cheerleader, is all peppy and friendly, as she congratulates Tyler on a a job well done, during Baby’s First Were Transformation.  “Last night was a victory. Let’s take it!”  Caroline exclaims.  “So, what do you say we have a little Victory Party in your bed?”

Tyler, though slightly “sore” from the previous night’s adventures (hint, hint, wink, wink) clearly feels a lot of gratitude toward Caroline for helping him through this difficult time, and tells her as much.  “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there,” he remarks.

Though their dialogue may seem benign enough, the whole scene is just CHARGED with delicious sexual tension.  Caroline keeps tilting her head to the side flirtatiously, blinking compulsively, grinning from ear to ear, and giggling like a school girl.  She also can’t stop staring at Tyler’s mouth. 

Can you blame her?

For his part, Tyler is looking at Caroline adoringly, his head cocked toward her, like she’s the most beautiful Baby Vamp in the world.  And he’s SMILING!  Tyler NEVER SMILES!  It’s enough to make me want to run through the television screen, rip off both of their clothes, and tell the two of them to JUST DO IT ALREADY!

So, it’s kind of depressing that Caroline has to ruin the mood, by telling Tyler that he sort of, kind of, almost killed her last night.  “It’s no big deal, really.  But . . . one bite, and it’s curtains for me,” Caroline notes nonchalantly.

Tyler wisely inquires as to how Caroline knew about the Legend of the Were Bite.  But Caroline demurs, asserting that she must have “read it somewhere.”  (Werewolf Bites for Dummies, perhaps?)  Unfortunately, before Tyler can piece together the extent of the sacrifice Caroline made for him, Matt arrives and cock blocks him .  . .

Caroline immediately starts babbling about how “there’s nothing between [her] and Tyler.”  And, you know what?   Me thinks thou protest WAYYYY too much!  But Matt doesn’t notice, of course.  Because Matt doesn’t really notice ANYTHING .  . . ever.

To prove this, he starts telling Caroline what a sublimely HONEST person she is, and how refreshing it is that she never keeps anything from him. 

Yeah, Caroline.  It was pretty hilarious, wasn’t it?

Matt then tells her, he’s not happy about the “way things are between them.”  (You mean because she’s in love with your best friend, Matt?)  To prove, just how NOT happy Matt is, he plants a long wet one on Caroline.  It was the third hottest kiss of the evening.  #2 went to Stefan and Elena, from earlier in the episode.  Number 1 is on it’s way . . . (How’s that for subtle foreshadowing? ;))

And how does Caroline respond to said kiss?  Well, she runs away, of course.  You see Matt? Werewolf Tyler tried to literally bite her head off in a dungeon, and she STAYED.  You made out with her for five seconds, and she LEFT.  That should probably tell you something. . . .

 Doing Damon’s Dirty Work (Sounds Kinky!)

So, Team Bad Ass is back!

Well . . . sort of.  I love how Alaric went from being Damon’s mortal enemy, to Damon’s ass-kicking buddy, to Damon’s b*tch in a matter of half a season.  We see Mr. Chunky Monkey himself . . .

 . . . lounging at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . . again.  (See, that’s one thing Damon and Alaric will always have in common, Alcoholism.)  Alaric’s mission, should he choose to accept it, is to call Damon, when Evil Werewolf Jules arrives back at the bar.  And arrive she has!  Stefan has also arrived at the bar.  And though he chastizes Alaric for getting Dirty with Damon doing Damon’s dirty work, he too has a favor to ask the Scooby Gang Errand boy.  Specifically, he wants Isobel’s digits.

The Awkward Moment when the boyfriend of your Slutty Vampire Ex’s kid asks for your Ex’s number, so the two of them can hook up.

Alaric honestly doesn’t seem all that keen on Stefan contacting Isobel.  But, being the good Errand Boy he is, he promises to text Stefan with Isobel’s updated contact information, once he is able to track it down.

Rose Goes Batsh*t Crazy – Take 1

Bed head and pasty face . . . NOT a good look for you, Rose.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, things are getting hot and heavy between Nurse Elena and bed-ridden Rose.  For starters, they are hanging out in the Very Special Place where EVERY TVD viewer wants to be . . . DAMON’S BEDROOM!

Rose makes me like her a little more (a VERY little bit, mind you) when she forces Elena to admit that she’s massively turned on by being in Damon’s bedroom, and shocked that it’s not quite the Love Shack she expected it to be.  Elena was secretly hoping that Damon invested in silk sheets (MUCH better for screwing!).  No matter though, Elena.  I strongly suspect that Damon will BURN his bedsheets, now that Rose and her cooties have been in them.  His next pair will DEFINITELY be silk, for YOU.

Rose also forces Elena to see how lucky she is that two hot vampires LOVE her.  (Thank you Captain Obvious!)  She then chastizes her new Nurse for getting involved with Elijah, and risking her precious human life.  “You really are determined to die, aren’t you?  Rose inquires.  (Woah, Rosie’s on a roll!)

But then, suddenly Rose gets all loopy, and starts mumbling about the horses.  Next thing you know, she’s choking on blood, and spitting up.  So, Elena rushes to get her glass of water.  But when she returns, the Man Stealer is gone!

OK . .. I spoke too soon.  She’s not gone.  She’s just behind Elena, looking LIKE A CRAZED LUNATIC!

Rose pushes Elena up against a wall, and starts rambling on about how this is all HER fault.  Elena holds her ground, forcefully reminding Rose that she is ELENA, not Katherine.  Eventually, Rose snaps out of it, and starts blubbering about how sorry she is for trying to MURDER Elena, after having just told the poor girl not to risk her life.  “Don’t be scared of me!”  Rose insists, as she heads back to bed.  (Worst . . . advice . . . ever!)

Back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

Salvatore Brothers Unite / Damon and Jules engage in a pissing contest

While he is waiting for his hot older brother Stefan gets a text from Alaric, including Isobel’s new number.  He rings her up, and leaves her a message.

“Yo Izzie!  It’s me, Stef!  Heeyyyyy!  We should totally meet up!  Drink some bunnies, talk about how we can control Elena’s life — it will be just like old times!”

When Damon arrives, all smouldering and angry, and sexy, Stefan tries to calm him down long enough to talk about his “feelings” regarding Rose’s probable demise.  (Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?)   “I’m FINE!”  Damon exclaims, which, by the way, is the Official Motto of the NOT Fine.

Stefan kindly reminds Pissy Damon that the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls is unusually crowded today.  (Doesn’t anybody work or go to school in this town?)  So, ripping Werewolf Jules’ spleen out of her throat here would probably be ill advised.  (But A LOT OF FUN!)  Damon then confronts Jules, and asks for a Werewolf Bite Cure, in exchange for her getting to keep her spleen.  It’s not much of a bargain really, and Jules tells him as much.

“Spleens aren’t essential organs, anyway.  So there!”

Jules tells Damon that the only way to “cure” Rapid Vampire Zombie Rose is to drive her stake through her heart, which we all pretty much already knew.  She then tells Damon to bite her, before stalking out like the Evil People Eater she is.

“You want me to bite you, Jules?  Well, that can be arranged . . .”

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Rose Goes Batshit Crazy – Take 2

Someone get this chick a bib . . . and a muzzle!

Elena has kindly brought Rose some fresh bed sheets.  (I bet they aren’t silk though!)  However, when she returns to Damon’s bedroom . . . SURPRISE . . . Rose is gone again!  (Honestly, I’m not sure why they didn’t chain that b*tch to the bed, the first time.)  Unfortunately, Elena doesn’t have Evil Zombie Vampire GPS, so she tries the next best thing.  She calls Damon. 

 “Get the f*&k home you, Bloodsucking Bastard!  Your Lunatic Screw Toy is TRYING TO KILL ME!”

Elena finds Rose stuffing her face with Damon’s and Stefan’s soccer mom blood stash.  When Elena confronts Rose, she GOES NUTS!  (Must be a Closet Eater!)  Looking bloody, gross and nauseating, Decrepit Zombie Rose chases Elena through the house.  And suddenly, this has gone from The Vampire Diaries to Dawn of the Dead 2: Electric Boogalo0.  When Elena opened her curtains and let the Sunscreen Ring-free Rose’s skin get burned by the sun, I CHEERED FOR JOY!  (She deserved it, dammit!)

But then, Elena DUG HER NAILS in Rose’s gross werewolf wound!  And, I must admit, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. 

Elena then wisely holes herself up in Damon’s study.  Dimwitted Rose never seemed like much of a reader.  So, Elena feels safe there.  Through the door, Rose starts apologizing to Elena, and telling her she “won’t try to kill her again.  She promises.”  (Yeah, Elena!  And if you believe that I have a Statue of Liberty I’d like to sell you for real cheap!)

Fear not, though.  Because Elena is smarter than I sometimes give her credit for.  And she doesn’t trust that Rapid Zombie Vamp for a second!

When Elena finally finds the courage to leave the study, armed with a stake, she runs into Damon.  “Where’s Rose?”  He inquires, clearly concerned.

“Why, she’s at the Mystic Falls barbecue, gnawing on a janitor, of course,” replies Elena. . .(or, at least, that’s what she WOULD reply, if she actually KNEW what Rose was doing).

Civil Service is a MIGHTY dangerous occupation in Mystic Falls.   Random Janitor guy, this award’s for you!

Matt Donovan, “You Can’t HANDLE the TRUTH!”

Also at the barbecue, is a decidedly less Bloody Matt, who wants to know why Caroline ran away from his tongue kisses, and what exactly she’s hiding from him. 

“Watch this, Matt!  Maybe it will help!”

A tearful Caroline tells Matt that she loves him, which, if you didn’t know she was a vampire, would probably seem like the biggest non-sequitur ever!  Fortunately, before Caroline is forced to explain herself, Matt gets distracted by a Shiny Cheerleader seeking Hamburgers.  So, Caroline takes that opportunity to escape.

“You Went on a Murderous Rampage.  It Happens!”

Damon and Elena find Rose, at the barbecue, eventually.  But not until AFTER she kills YET another unsuspecting Mystic Falls resident, by breaking in to the roof of her CAR!  Rose feels kind of guilty for all the eating she’s been doing (PIG!)  But Damon, ever the non-judgmental f*ck buddy, doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.  “You went on a murderous rampage.  It happens,” he assures her.

Back in bed, Rose starts monologuing about the joys of humanity, and how Elena, should appreciate her life, and blah, blah, blah . . . I just fell asleep typing that sentence . . .

Damon tells Elena to leave, and does a bit of Inception Mind F*king on Rose, placing her in a dreamy version of her home village, where she lived when she was human.  Rose has long crimped 80’s hair now, and a fugly floor-length blue dress.  It’s all very Little House on the Prairie.  Rose and Damon have a perfectly idyllic time together in dream land, racing through the fields, reminiscing about old times.  Meanwhile, in the REAL WORLD, Damon is cradling a sleeping Rose, with a stake poised at her chest.  And he is CRYING . . .

Damon hesitates a bit.  This is clearly hard for him.  But eventually, he stakes Rose.  It’s a mercy killing, really . . . She was in pain.  And she was PAINFUL to watch.  Now we have ALL been put out of our misery .  . . well, except for Damon.  And he’s miserable enough for all of us!

Damon drives Rose’s body out to Sheriff Forbes, who has been compelled to forget that he’s a vampire.  So, she thanks him profusely for keeping the town “safe” from vampires, and bids him adieu.  When he arrives back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elena is waiting there for him.

Elena understands Damon in a way that nobody else does, not even Stefan.  And she knows he’s hurting.  Damon, however, is not willing to admit his pain to the woman he loves . . . yet.  “You want to hear that I cared about Rose.   I didn’t”

“I don’t believe that,” Elena presses.  “You feel something.”

“I feel it, and it SUCKS,” Damon admits.  “Especially, because it was supposed to be me.”

“You feel guilty,” Elena notes.  “You are so close [to humanity].  You can’t give up.”

At this point, Damon fires back at Elena, telling her what everybody else has been thinking, ever since she made that fateful deal with Elijah.  “All you’ve DONE is give up!”  (And then again . . . perhaps, Damon’s talking about Elena giving up on her romantic feelings for HIM!  Yeah, that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part.)

“Go home, Elena,” Damon repeats sadly.  “I’ve had enough doom, gloom, and personal growth for one night.”

“OK,” Elena relents. 

She then turns to leave, but not before turning toward him, and offering him a sweet and powerful embrace.  Their eyes lock for a moment, and volumes of thoughts and emotions are exchanged in a single glance.  For a moment, it looks like they might kiss.  But it wouldn’t be the right time, not now.  Instead, Damon puts his head on Elena’s shoulder and allows himself a few quiet sobs.  It’s touching, and beautiful.  And I only wish it lasted longer . . .

Speaking of scenes I wish lasted longer . . .

Hallelujah!  It’s a Forwood Ambush KISS!

Remember earlier, when I was ranking the episode’s steamiest kisses?  Here comes #1!

When Caroline arrives home from the Barbecue, Tyler is waiting for her on her porch.

“We need to talk,” Tyler opens. 

(Usually, those are words signifying BAD NEWS.  But that’s not so, here.)

“Why would you risk it?” Tyler asks, referring of course to the couple’s night of hot passion, and Tyler’s poisonous teeth.

Caroline downplays the extent of her sacrifice for Tyler, explaining simply, that he needed help, and she was there.  But Tyler is not so easily convinced.  He senses that Caroline has some romantic feelings for him, ones that mirror his own.  And, so he presses further.  “I don’t understand you, Caroline!”

Caroline can’t take it anymore.  Overwhelmed with emotion, she lashes out at the Baby Wolf.  “Why is it so hard for you to let people help you  .  . . to let someone care?   Well, I’m sorry Tyler, but I cared.  I care about you.”

And that’s all Tyler needs to hear.  He rushes to Caroline, and presses her up against the wall, holding her face, and kissing her passionately.  No longer able to control her emotions, she kisses him back with an intensity and fervor, she never knew was possible before. ( Intense Nights Spent in a Dungeon with a Hot Naked Boy can do that do a girl.)  And yet, I had to wonder, whether, if a Werewolf Bite could kill a vampire, what would a Werewolf Hickey do?

Caroline must be thinking about this too, which is why she pulls away from Tyler. 

Baby’s first Vampire-gasm

  “We can’t do that,” she exclaims.

Rather than argue with her, Tyler actually apologizes, which makes me love him even more. 

“Everybody needs to stop kissing me!” Caroline whines, as she rushes into the house. 

(Coincidentally, Caroline, if you ever get tired of all that pesky kissing, I’d be MORE than happy to take your place.  Just sayin’)

Evil Jules Does the UNTHINKABLE

His heart still filled with love, and his tongue still covered in sweet vampire saliva, Tyler heads toward the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls to meet up with Jules, who seems to have been there ALL FRIGGIN DAY.  (Just what Mystic Falls needs!  Another Alchy!)  Jules doesn’t waste any time, clawing her way into Tyler’s head.  Within a matter of about a minute, she’s dropped about five bombshells on the poor werewolf.  And here they are:

(1) She knows about him and Caroline, and their (True Natures)

(2) Uncle Mason is DEAD.

(3) Caroline may have played a role in his demise.

(4) Mystic Falls is crawling with vampires, and Caroline is in league with them.

(5) Mystic Falls will soon be crawling with werewolves like Jules and Tyler.

Poor Tyler!  It seems Damon isn’t the only TVD guy in serious need of a hug!

Speaking of unwanted guests invading Mystic Falls,  did I mention that Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in town?

Hmmmm . .  . I wonder if Elena’s less than proud papa is going to ask Jeremy for his Ring of Immortality back, now that  vampires will most likely be trying to kill him again . . .

Damon has an Emotional Breakthrough (and Breakdown)

A highly distraught, emotional, and . . . you guessed it . . . WASTED, Damon is lying around in the middle of an abandoned road, when an unlikely driver comes upon him.  Her name is Jessica, and she is definitely in for a ROUGH NIGHT!

Damon compels Jessica to stand still, but doesn’t compel her to be calm, which would have made things much more pleasant for her, I think.  He needs someone to talk to, and she’s there for him, whether she wants to be, or not.  He is lost . . . metaphorically, and existentially . .. and she . . . a human, and a female, represents the crux of his existential crisis. 

Elena’s words to him about him being “so close” to humanity are clearly on Damon’s mind, when he says, “All I’ve got is trouble . . . I’ve got a secret .  . . I can’t be what SHE wants me to be . . . This is who I am,” Damon cries.

 He is unhinged, and more emotional than we have EVER seen him before.  (It’s heartbreaking and fascinating to watch.  And if Ian Somerhalder doesn’t get an Emmy nomination for it, I will personally drive down to the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences and give them a piece of my mind.  Anybody with me?)

Jessica pleads with Damon for her life.  “Are you going to hurt me?”  She whispers.

“I’m not sure,” he replies truthfully.  “I’m NOT HUMAN . . . and I miss it . . . more than anything.  That’s my Big Secret,” admits Damon,  his voice choked by tears.

He then sets Jessica free, and the viewers breathe a sigh of relief.  But, in typical TVD fashion, just when we think we’ve got it all figured out, EVERYTHING CHANGES.  Moments after Damon let’s the girl go, he rushes her, and kills her.  His bloody face filled with pain and remorse, once he’s done. 

 (“You went on a murderous rampage.  It happens!”)

As we focus on Damon’s vamped out visage, the music playing in the background, creepily belts out the words “Who’s next?” as the screen fades to black. 

Next week’s presumably werewolf-centric episode, entitled “Daddy Issues,” promises some tough times between Hot Couple, Tyler and Caroline, as the Bany Werewolf begins to question the Baby Vamp’s loyalties and true intentions.  Oh, and Elena seems to be wearing an ABNORMALLY high PONYTAIL.  What’s up with that?

You can watch the EXTENDED preview for the episode, here:

So, what did you think folks?   Did you enjoy The Descent?  Were you as NOT sorry to see Rose go, as I was?  Do you want to KILL Jules for turning Tyler against Caroline, as much as I do?  The comment section is all yours, my fello Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

Degrassi: In Too Deep — Anatomy of Two BRAND NEW Promos!

REJOICE, DEGRASSI FANS!  THE NEW PROMOS ARE FINALLY HERE! 🙂

Last night, Teen Nick aired two much anticipated trailers for Degrassi‘s upcoming new season, entitled In Too Deep, which is set to premiere on February 11th at 9 p.m.  The first trailer was relatively short (lasting only about 30 seconds).   However, it was comprised almost entirely of NEW footage, never before seen by Degrassi fans . . .

The second trailer was double the length of the first (clocking in at about 1 minute, 30 seconds), and was an amalgamation of scenes from the first trailer, scenes from the trailer that Teen Nick aired last season, and some extra “bonus” scenes . . .

So, now that you’ve seen them, let’s discuss what we’ve learned.  Shall we?

Fadam is ON! / Fiona is still drinking. / Fiona may be gay (and into Holly J)?

When we last left our favorite (and only) transgendered Degrassi student, Adam Torres, he was putting some major effort into wooing the object of his affections, Fiona Coyne.  He even went so far as to throw a genuine New York-style ball, fit for a Princess, in her honor.  However, up until this point, Fiona’s feelings for Adam have shown little evidence of venturing beyond the platonic.  She might be aware of Adam’s attraction to her, but she hasn’t done much to show that she reciprocates those feelings.  In fact, she BAILED on the party he threw for her — a major NO-NO, in Relationship World.

But if the promos we’ve seen for next season are any indication, all of that is about to change, BIG TIME . . .

Though Fiona and Adam’s first kiss may be the result of a drunken (at least on Fiona’s part) game of Truth or Dare (as suggested in the first promo), clearly their relationship extends far beyond this “momentary indiscretion,” as the season progresses.  We know, from last season’s promos (plus, many of those scenes were repeated in the new trailers), that Fiona and Adam (or Fadam, as the cool kids like to call them) engage in a full on, Horizontal Couch Makeout Session, later on in the season.  And it is this couch session that Holly J. unceremoniously interrupts. 

Sounds great, right? 

Well . . . maybe not . . .

When we first watched the earlier promos, many of us Degrassi fans speculated as to the “logistics” of Fiona’s and Adam’s relationship.  Specifically, we wondered how Fiona would react, when she learned  that Adam was born female (and still has lady parts).  Based on the promos we saw last night, Fiona’s knowledge regarding Adam’s trangender status doesn’t seem to be the issue . . .

Both promos feature Fiona telling Adam that “drinking makes it easier to be with [him].”

This line suggests three things: (1) that Fiona is still abusing alcohol; (2) that she is aware that Adam is transgendered; and (3) while that knowledge has not caused her to stop seeing him, it still makes her feel at least somewhat uncomfortable.

But here’s the REAL twist . . .

Could Fiona actually be a lesbian?  Is she merely using Adam to “safely” evaluate her attraction to people of the same sex, while secretly vying for her bestie, Holly J?  This would be an interesting plot development indeed!

Sound crazy and completely out of left field to you?  Here’s my take on why this might be a real possibility . . .

For starters, Fiona has always been someone for whom relationships seemed more about status and convenience, than about genuine attraction.  She briefly dated Riley (before he was officially out of the closet) because she thought he was a nice guy who would keep her away from the advances of douchebags.  The fact that Riley was gay, and would likely never want to be intimate with her, almost seemed like an added bonus, as far as Fiona was concerned.

Fiona dated the ultimatey abusive Bastard Bobby, back in New York, because he was rich, popular, and had the right family name. 

She hooked up with her brother Declan (INCEST!  GROSSSSSS!) , because she worried that she was losing him (He was her only friend, at the time,) to Holly J.  So, she assumed that, by being DISGUSTING, she  could scare her brother’s boyfriend away . . .

So, we’ve never actually seen Fiona exhibit feelings of attraction for a man of the opposite sex.  And, based on the promos, she does seem more open to beginning a relationship with a transgendered male, than most heterosexual women her age, and in her situation, probably would be.  In conclusion, what initially might have seemed like a bizarre “out-of-character” plot twist the Degrassi writers inserted into their story to appeal to a considerable fanbase of “Dudes Who LOVE HOT LESBIANS,” makes more and more sense to me, the more I continue to think about it . . .

As for Holly J. . . .

Apart from her scenes with Fiona and Adam, we really don’t get to see all that much of her in these new promos.  However, the above shot, seems to suggest that she gets injured at some point during this season.  She may even end up in the hospital, as a result of said injuries?  (Based on the white background, behind Holly J., I thought she might be laying on a hospital bed in the picture above.)

Could Holly have somehow been involved in the EPIC CAR ACCIDENT to which all the Degrassi spoilers keep referring?  And, if so, why did the hospital choose to cope with injuries, by merely pasting a cheap bandaid over them?  (Random Canadian Hospital FAIL!)

Ali gets in trouble again. /  She runs away from home, is robbed, and wears an UGLY wig?

When Alli told her parents that she wanted to be transferred to private school, she never expected that they would ship her off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Although we didn’t learn too much more about Alli’s predicament than we had already deduced from previous promos, these new trailers helped us fill in a few of the blanks as to what actually happens to Alli during this season.  First, we see her at home, in her school uniform, complaining, that while she tries to be “good,” bad things continue to happen to her . . .

Combine this scene, with the one from the earlier promo, in which she is arguing was Sav (“You are ruining MY life,” he screams at her.) and you can deduce that Ali got into some trouble at her All-Girls private school, and shamed the family, as a result.  She may have even been EXPELLED from that school.  After all, we do see Alli later on in the promo, talking to Clare, at what appears to be a Degrassi Dance . . .

There is no way of knowing for certain whether this “Dance Scene” comes before or after Alli runs away from home.  But we do know that she’s on the run at some point during the series, and is away from home long enough to be declared a Missing Person . . .

This information is all but spelled out for us, when we see Alli at home, threatening to run away . . .

We then see her out in the street dressed in that RIDICULOUS OUTFIT, ripping down Missing Person posters of herself . . .

I didn’t know Lindsay Lohan was on Degrassi!

After that, Alli gets mugged by some lowlife, who steals her purse and runs away (probably, because he thought she was Lindsay Lohan, and that he could see the purse on Ebay for some serious dough.  He was probably super disappointed, when he found out that the purse he stole belonged instead to “some chick from Degrassi”).

Then, finally, Alli’s dad, and Sav go out searching for her in the family car, during a rainstorm.  Presumably, they find her, and bring her back home  .. . just in time for the Degrassi Dance!

YIPPEE!

And now for the storyline, you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Eli flips out. /  He becomes super possessive of Clare.  / She dumps him.  / And he gets into a car accident on the anniversary of his dead girlfriend’s death?

Of all Degrassi’s upcoming season storylines, I’d say Eli’s and Clare’s is the one about which fans are the most excited.  And why not?  After all, the Degrassi: In Too Deep Season finale is set to air on April 22, 2011, precisely two years (maybe one in Degrassi world), since the tragic and untimely death of Eli’s former girlfriend, Julia, who was hit by a car.

I know that, in real life, this is the picture of a model in a bad black wig.  And yet, “Dead Julia” still gives me the creeps every time I look at her . . . kind of like that Freaky Chick from The Ring movies . . .

To add fuel to the Eclare fire, Degrassi Writer/Producer Stephen has publicly admitted that the Eli/Clare/Dead Julie saga will be featured prominently in the latter episodes of the season.  He also teased that something will happen to a creepy “picture” of Julia, and that Eli is in that picture as well.  Speculation as to what Sohn meant by this cryptic statement has ranged widely from the literal (a picture of Eli and Julia is stolen during the finale) to the practical (Eli accidentally ran Julia over with his car), to the outright BIZARRE (“Julia” is actually Eli in a black wig, a la Psycho)

This eye-catching shot from the extended promo seems to show a bereft, and tear-stricken Eli clutching Julia’s picture while standing next to his trusty hearse Morty.  The question is, where the heck is he?  The library?  (There are shelves of books shown behind the car); His garage? (Where else do you put a car indoors?)  Degrassi High?  (Did he DRIVE THE CAR INTO THE SCHOOL?)

In the promos, we see that things between Eli and Clare aren’t nearly as rosy as they were last season — back when the pair bonded over Eli’s hoarding issues, and Eli helped Clare cope with her parents’ impending separation.

Suddenly, Clare is talking about “taking a break” and “needing space” from Eli.  This is an unusual turn of events, especially considering that in previous episodes, it was Clare, who seemed the more “clingy” of the couple, while Eli was a bit more standoffish, and constantly required time alone to “sort things out.”

“Could someone tell me when exactly I became the GIRL in this relationship?”

Now, suddenly, Eli never seems to want Clare to leave his side . . .

Whenever they are together, he constantly has his arm wrapped around her protectively, as if he is afraid that if he lets go, she will get run over by a carhe will lose her forever . . .

The usually adorable Eli is suddenly saying creepy lines like the guys in the Lifetime movies do . . . right before they go after their girlfriend with a hatchet.  (“If I can’t have you, NO ONE CAN!”)

“You promised me you’d never leave me,” he tells her in one scene.

“We need some time ALONE together . . . just you and me,” he says to her in another.

It seems obvious that, as the date on the calendar creeps closer and closer to the anniversary of Julia’s death, Eli is becoming more unhinged.  He copes with these feelings, by sticking close to Clare, the only person who has the power him feel safe. 

But Clare almost makes Eli nervous.  After all, Eli presumably felt “safe” with his last girlfriend too, and look what happened to her!  So, just like Eli “hoarded” random objects in his room, to preserve Julia’s memory, he is, in essence, “hoarding” Clare now, to keep her out of harms way.

But Clare isn’t an old notebook, or smelly shoe.  She’s a person, who needs her own space.  Clare confides this in Alli at the school dance.  So, Alli suggests that Clare be honest with Eli about how she’s feeling . . .

Ummm . . . Clare?  1993 called . . . And they would really like that lipstick back!  (Seriously, why does the wardrobe department always insist on dressing this character like a 43-year old Soccer Mom?)

But was this the right advice?  In both of the promos, we see Clare confronting Eli, frustratedly telling her boyfriend that he is “suffocating her.”

Needless to say, Eli does not take this accusation (or possibly being dumped?) very well.  In the final scenes of both of the above trailers, we see Eli driving his car recklessly into the night, with tears streaming down his face . . .

Though a clearly anguished and incredibly guilty feeling Clare, calls Eli repeatedly on his cell phone, begging him to answer her, we can see that he does not do so . . .

Could THESE be scenes from April 22nd’s Season Finale, entitled “Drop the World?”  Could this be the Massive Car Crash Degrassi spoilers have been teasing us about since last year?  Is Julia’s picture in the car with Eli, while he’s driving?  Could Eli’s reckless driving, be construed as a suicide attempt, as a result of guilt over his girlfriend’s death?

I guess we will just have to wait until February 11th to find out.  (But until then, speculations and spoilers are always welcome in the comment section, and would be much appreciated. 🙂 )

[www.juliekushner.com]