Tag Archives: stake

Whose Team are YOU on? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Catch Me If You Can”

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In a world where TV Viewers are defined, not only by the shows that they watch, but by the couples they ship while they are watching them, “Amazing Race”-type plotlines, like the one found in this week’s TVD episode, are not only encouraged, they are inevitable!  Just like with Real People, competition brings about both the best and the worst attributes of our characters.  It highlights their strengths, exposes their weaknesses, and awakens their basest instincts.

freaking hungry

Who will win the Race for the Vampire Cure?  Who will defeat their adversaries in a Battle to the Death?  And who will end up sucking . . . blood?   Only time will tell, Fangbangers.  Time . . . and this recap, of course!

[Special thanks to Andre, whose snark and awesome screencaps know no bounds!]

Team Hunky Arms and Human Teddy Bear

When we last left the World’s Cutest Ambiguously Gay Duo, Mattykins and Jer Bear, they were in a bar, surrounded by freshly turned newbie vamps.

at the bar

Silly Matt!  Don’t you realize that wearing a varsity jacket to a bar not only tells everyone you are underage, it also tells them you are “not yet legal?”

Jer Bear, aside from occasionally erupting into a murderous rage against his own sister, is still, for all intents and purposes, a “Good Guy.”  So, of course, he balks at the idea of killing “innocents.”

jeremy arms

This makes Klaus mad!

3 5 mad klaus aunquesea

And when Klaus gets mad, everyone suffers . . . especially Mattykins, who the newbie vamps have just been compelled to believe is a tender juicy steak with eyes, ripe for the chewing.

matt meat

meat with eyes

Run Matt, Run!  The Sexy Cabin is waiting!

run matt run

The “Run Through The Forest” sequence at the beginning of this episode has a fun sort of video game quality to it, in which each of our resident “heroes” takes turns rescuing Damsel in Distress Mattykins from a nameless, faceless, Vampire Zombie Type.

sad matt

“I feel so used!”

First Jeremy does his “Cross-Bow” thing.  Then, Damon does his “Heart Tugging” thing . . .

3 11 bloody heart

open heart surgery

Then, Elena pops up out of literally nowhere, and does . . . well, whatever it is she does . . .

leave him alone

hiyah

“Gee thanks, ex-girlfriend!  As if the past five minutes haven’t emasculated me enough!”

The video game ends and the sex games begin with Mattykins, Elena and JerBear returning safely to Sexy Cabin.  There, the only monsters they will have to battle are the ones they invite inside . . . provided they don’t screw up, and spring for pizza again . . .

pizza girl one

Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes

jer damon

“Our plans are lame, but our hotness makes up for it.”

Back inside Sexy Cabin, Jeremy has regrettably come to the conclusion that, cuddly though he may be, Human Teddy Bear Mattykins is more of a liability than an asset in the Race for the Cure.  It’s time to trade him in for an “Older, More Vintage” model . . .

wet damon 2

damon soulful crying

Elena is not entirely cool with this . . . until Damon tells her that she is cool with it.  Then, she decides it’s a Great Idea!

happy elena

So, Damon and Elena have sex!

sexy delena 2

delena sex real

(Actually, they don’t.  But I was annoyed by the lack of Delena in this episode, particularly after their triumphant “I Love You” exchange, last week.  And I decided to use a little poetic license.  So, sue me!)

Team Lonely Hearts

rebekah reading

“Dear Diary . . . blah, blah, blah Elena . . . blah, blah, blah Feelings .  . . blah, blah, blah SO SAAAAAAAAAD . . . blah, blah, blah I’M FREAKING HUNGRY!”

Sprawled out on her ex-boyfriend’s bed, and waiting for him to emerge from the shower in all his shirtless, muscle-y, glory, Rebekah probably wishes she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey or Gone Girl, or any other book about dysfunctional relationships that isn’t Stefan’s Mopey Diary.  Yet, she gallantly endures the tedium of Stefan’s writing.  Because, when it comes to the Race for the Cure, knowing thy teammate is almost as important as knowing thyself.  And besides . . .

stefan abs

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 . . . when he’s not perpetually Boo-Hooing over Elena, This Guy is actually kind of HOT!  Who knew?

what i look like when

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Yes, I do, Stefan.  You look goooood.

Without a vampire hunter or a witch on their side, Rebekah and Stefan decide that their key to winning the Race for the Cure is finding Silas’ headstone.  You know, because hunks of cement beat live human beings any day, and twice on Sundays.

Gravestone Eyes

“Go Team Stebekah!”

From the get-go, there’s a lot of sexual tension between these two.  They are both really close talkers, and enjoy invading each other’s personal space.

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I just haven’t decided yet if that’s because these two have good chemistry with one another, or if they are both just REALLY, REALLY HORNY!

rebekah heart

“I didn’t mean to do it!  I swear, I thought it was his weiner!”

Team Bloody Nose and Brillo Pad Hair

sleepy bonnie

Oh crap!  Are these two staring at candles again?

candle stare

“It’s just so . . . beautiful!  I think I’m going to write an emo song about it.”

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Fortunately, Lizard Forbes is on the case.  She uses her badge to combat the boredom of Bonnie and Professor Flower Child.

lizard

“Scenery chewing is a federal offense.  You’re under arrest, douchebag!”

fanboy 2

“Cool!  I’m getting arrested.  This is totally going to up my street cred!”

Honestly, I’m so thankful to Lizard Forbes for saving this scene that it almost makes me forget about that time she tried to have her own daughter killed, just because she turned into a vampire . . .

you suck laurrrrde

Bonnie, of course, wants to know why the Lizard has so rudely interrupted her intense game of Candle Staring.  To this inquiry, Lizard replies, “Ask your father.”

In the wise words of Yoda, “Thickening . . . the plot is . . .”

bonnie's dad

“Honestly, I just really hate candles.”

All Hail, Kol Mikaelson!

all hail kol

good to see mate

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I hate to say it, but I think, right now, Kol is the only one on this show with any good sense.  I mean, come on . . . “raising the dead,” “curing immortality,” “more powerful than an Original Vampire?”  It’s SOOO obvious this Silas guy is being set up as the show’s Next Big Bad, just in time for Klaus to get his spinoff.  So why does the entire Scooby Gang seem intent on giving this guy a wakeup call?

surrounded by idiots

(Also, I’m pretty sure Professor Shane is actually a disembodied Silas, whose working to get back into his own body, to re-activate his dormant powers.  But that’s neither here nor there . . .)

Anywhoo, Team Hunky Arms and Sexy Eyes head back to the bar to pick up chicks continue their “hunting expedition.”

enter the bar

Hunting Rule 101: When trying to catch your prey by surprise, it’s probably a bad idea to stand under a BIG BRIGHT LAMP, while carrying a HUGE CROSSBOW.

So, this bar . . . it’s not exactly the kind of place you want to toss back a few beers, and sway drunkenly to “Sweet Child of Mine.”  For one thing, check out the floor . . .

bloody floor

“Something’s wrong,” remarks Damon, sagely.

Gee!  Ya think?

You know what I like to do, when I go to a bar, and the floor looks like that?

run

Yeah . . . I think that’s probably the normal response.  Certainly not, “Let’s go hang out in the freezer,” which is exactly what Jeremy and Damon ended up doing . . .

dead baby vamps

This is what happens to people who hang out  in the freezers of bars with bloody floors . . .

want a drink

“Chill out, guys!  Get it . . . chill?  Because we’re in a freezer.  Whatever!  Socrates and Jesus both thought that joke was hilarious!  You millennials have no sense of humor!”

In the freezer, Damon and Jer Bear find That Other Lost Original Who Isn’t Elijah . . .

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hide from elijah

At first, Kol actually behaves pretty peaceably.  He calmly explains to the duo a simple formula that even they can understand.  And here it is . . .

                     awakening Silas = bringing about the Apocalypse

bringing about the Apocalypse = BAD

DON’T WAKE SILAS!

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Damon and Jer Bear ponder this for a moment, and decide,  “Nah, Apocalypse, Shmockalypse.  We should wake Silas anyway . . . after all, it’s FOR ELENA!”

happy elena

So, Kol is forced to take matters into his own hands . . .

strangle head

“Is it Friday yet?”

Bonnie Bennett is THE CLOSER

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Wanna get a man to confess to the mass murder of twelve townspeople?  Put him in the room with a Really Pissed Off Witch!  Bonnie went all Dark Willow on Professor Shane’s ass in the Mystic Falls interrogation room, this week.

dark willow

And it actually gave me a great idea for a TV show.  Think about it.  What are the two most popular kinds of television dramas out there today?  Police procedurals and Supernatural shows.  So, why not combine those two for a show about a witch who uses dark magic to force confessions out of serial killers?  Not bad, right?

damon approves

Except, was I the only one who was a bit disappointed that Bonnie’s first Descent into Evil featured her doing nothing more than setting a small trash can fire, and giving Professor Shane would looked like a Really Bad Case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?

bonnie shane 1

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Seriously?  Dark Willow would have blasted Professor Dimbulb’s ass to the next century for saying all the crap he was saying about Bonnie’s Grams!

VDGranny

The Bennett witch just gave him a glorified paper cut . . .

my hand

“Dammit Bonnie!  Now I’ll never be a hand model!”

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And yet, I think this scene was important because it foreshadowed two future plotlines: (1) Bonnie’s inevitable descent into Dark Willow 2: The Straight-to-Video Version “Bad Witch” territory; and (2) her developing her own motives for getting the cure, based upon a desire to bring her grandmother back from the dead.

Team Klaus and Elena?

klaus elena

While Caroline was out “shopping,” or whatever the f&*k she was doing throughout this episode . . .

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I never said she was, Tyler.  Thou doth protest too much?

 . . . Matt had the unlucky job of being the Obligatory Delena Doubter of the Hour.  There he was, in Elena’s ear, telling our heroine that her boyfriend is BAAAAAAD news . . .

damon and matt

“Payback’s a b*tch.”

We interrupt this “scintillating conversation” for an Important Phone Call . . .

vampire emergency

It’s Jeremy!  Kol has KIDNAPPED DAMON!

surprised-face

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  And Elena actually ends up going to Klaus for help, which is weird on so many levels . . .

santa klaus

“Hey Elena!  Come sit on Santa Klaus’ lap, and tell him how much you want the Vampire Cure for Christmas.”

Interestingly enough, Klaus and Elena are actually on the same side, in this instance.  Though they each have their own reasons, these two BOTH want the cure, and they BOTH want to keep Jeremy Gilbert alive and safe . . . at least for the time being.  So, Klaus agrees to call in a “brotherly favor” on Elena’s behalf . . .

kol on the phone

“Sup, bro?”

klaus on the phone

“Oh, the usual . . . just torturing and manipulating people for my own personal gain.”

stabbing self

me too

“No sh*t!  Me too!”

It’s a real testament to Klaus’ stupidity arrogance that he seems to truly believe that he can get Kol to STOP trying to murder Jeremy, just because he asked nicely.

draco malfoy facepalm

Kol gives Klaus his “word” that he won’t touch Jeremy Gilbert.  And he does keep his promise . . . by compelling Damon to kill Jeremy for him . . .

BabyScared

Team ?

stebek

More Whisper Talking and Eye F*&ks for these two, as they scope out Professor Nerdy Pants’ office for Silas’ headstone.

crazy sex good

Rebekah and Stefan then enter into that age old question that teen dramas cope with, time and time again.  Is no frills sex possible, on a consistent basis?  One night stands are one thing.  But can you repeatedly bone the same individual, without “catching the dreaded feelings” for that person?

stefan shrug

Stefan and Rebekah seem primed to test that theory, right there on Professor Needle Weiner’s desk. But then, Some Random Guy comes and grabs Silas’ headstone, which, conveniently, is precisely what Team Lonely Hearts had broken in to find!

random strangled

The question is, who sent this guy, and what team is HE ON?  Unfortunately, Some Random Guy would rather chew off his own tongue, and kill himself than let you find out . . .

stabbing self 2

This is usually how I feel on Sunday nights . . .

Team Zombie Damon?

zombie damon

“Must . . . Kill . . . Jer Bear . . .”

care_bear

“But he’s SO CUTE . . . and has really nice arm muscles.”

zombie damon 2

“Must . . . kill .  . . him . . . anyway.”

I always find the concept of vampire compulsion fascinating.  You see, unlike humans, vampires KNOW they are being compelled.  So, there’s this interesting dichotomy between what they WANT to be doing, and what they are ACTUALLY doing.  The moment Damon hunts down Jeremy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, he realizes that Kol has compelled him to murder Jeremy.  And yet a part of him WANTS to obey, while the other part is WARNING Jeremy to run away from him, and / or shoot him in the heart.  Damon’s babbling on about this like a Crazy Person, as he chases the vampire hunter through that old underground railroad place where Tyler used to do his “Werewolf Transformation Thing.”

big bad vampire out here

It’s a TOTAL Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde conundrum!

Jeremy ends up shooting Damon in the BRAIN, instead of the heart, which only places a temporary bandaid on the problem.  (I guess he’s not really a zombie, after all!)

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Then, Elena pops up to tell Damon he should fight the compulsion to kill Jeremy because he loooooves Elena so much.  “It worked for Stefan,” she helpfully implies . . .

Damon eye roll

Here’s some helpful advice for you, Elena.  Please don’t be one of those girls who always talks about your Old Boyfriend with your New One.  Guys hate that!  How would YOU feel, if Damon started comparing sex with you to the sex he’s had with the 20,000 other women he’s laid before you?

2 21 the cry hungoverdelena

Exactly!

Also, let’s not compare apples to oranges here.  Stefan was able to fight the compulsion to EAT ELENA.  That’s very different from fighting a compulsion to EAT ELENA’S BROTHER.  Stefan loved Elena.  Damon loves Elena.  Damon . . . likes Jeremy very much.  Hence, these are two totally different situations.  Comprende?

nodding oh yeah

Speaking of Stefan, Elena ends up calling him for help.  And though he first balks at the idea, Baby Salvatore conveniently arrives in the “forest” just in time to stop the bullet Jeremy shoots toward Damon’s heart AND break his brother’s neck, thereby putting him out of commission long enough for Elena and Jer Bear to make a quick escape.

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Since Damon will remain compelled to kill Jeremy, until Kol is either daggered or permanently killed, Stefan ends up draining Damon of blood and locking him in that convenient cage in La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where Stefan and Damon always lock each other when one or the other of them is “being bad.”

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“Your turn!”

This seems to happen at least once or twice per season . . .

Team Stelena Team Stefan and PRIDE

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Elena heads over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to check on Damon.  Needless to say, Stefan is not happy to see her.  And her repeated requests are met with stone cold denial . ..

whatever you want

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There still remains the risk that Elena might free Damon, as a result of the sire bond.  And Damon will inadvertently kill Jeremy.  So, in a sense, Stefan is protecting Elena and Damon from themselves.  But that doesn’t mean he’s happy about it.

And Elena, well . . . sometimes, she just doesn’t know when to SHUT UP . . .

2 16 damon says stop talking

She has to go nag Stefan about palling around with his ex, Rebekah, when, really, she should be thrilled that he’s FINALLY moving on, like she already has.  She lectures Stefan about his bad attitude . . .

isnt you

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And yeah, we can all see where she’s coming from.  Stefan has been acting like a bit of a douche this week . . Why does that make him more attractive to me?  Clearly, I have issues.

douchebag jar misomeru

But for Elena to say that Stefan’s behavior is “out of character” for him, is kind of out of line.  After all, the guy is what, 160 some odd years old?  And Elena has known him for . . . maybe two of those years?  Elena never really knew Stefan as the Ripper, or the depressive, who spent years underground trying to kick his human blood drinking habit cold turkey.  And most of all, Elena never knew Stefan as a humanin love with a girl named Katherine Petrova.

kefan dance

So, who is to say what’s “normal” and what isn’t for Stefan?  He was in his right, telling her that this is how he looks when he isn’t in love with her . . . even if his words are OBVIOUS lies . . .

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This is the “Everybody Loves Elena” show, after all . . .

But Stefan and Damon aren’t the only characters who are having a bad day.  Rebekah has a confrontation with Kol, during which she almost daggers him, and HE almost STAKES HER . . . permanently.  Ouch!

hot kol 2

Though Klaus comes to his siblings rescue, his presence isn’t exactly comforting to Rebekah, especially, when that presence advocates the murder of her own brother . . .

dagger sib

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Honestly, with all the stress they’ve been under, can you blame Stefan and Rebekah for wanting to end their day with a little No Frills Sex?

no feelings no attachments

stebekah 1

stebekah

not but fun

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Now, maybe it’s just me.  But, somehow, I don’t see the “Girl Who Loved Too Easily” . . .

laugh at

 . . . and Broody McCryFace . . .

stefan crying gif

 . . . being successful in this whole “Friends with Benefits” undertaking.

Of course, I could be wrong . . .

In Other News . . .

Klaus has just threatened to take Jeremy on one of his “Let’s Murder, Roadtrips.”

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And we all know how those tend to work out . . .

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So, Elena has another idea.  “Let’s KILL KOL!”  She tells Jeremy excitedly.

You know, because directly murdering twelve innocent baby vamps is WRONG.  But indirectly murdering 5,000 of them is TOTALLY cool!

happy elena

Yeah . . . remember back when Elena thought that Kol might be the Daddy of the Sire Line that made Damon and Stefan; and she wanted to protect his life at all costs?  That’s OK, neither does she!

Next week, on TVD . . .

See you then, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Heart of Glass – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Before Sunset”

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Hey Fangbangers!  So, we’re just a week away from the Season Finale of TVD.  And characters are dropping like flies, here in Mystic Falls.  You know, for supernatural beings, these folks sure DIE a lot (die . . . un-die  . . . re-die . . . faux-die . . . tie dye . . . die again).

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Sometimes it gets quite difficult to keep track of who’s dead, and who’s . . . well . . . undead.  (But hey, that’s what recaps are for, right?)

So grab your morning paper, and your balls . . . er . . . I mean soccer balls . . . and head on over the Wickory Bridge to Mystic Falls . . . a Vampire Town with a Drinking Problem.  We’re dying for you to join us . . . for a little TVD-cap.

Caroline: “Let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever!'”

Tyler: “Oooh . . . I got one!  Never have I ever died on this show.”

Elena: “Umm . . . yeah you did!”

Tyler: “I know . . . but so did all of you!  Everyone drink up!”

(As always, special thanks to my screencapper extraordinaire, for all the pretty pictures you see here.  If I were Klaus, I’d draw him a pony for all his hard work and dedication . . .)

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Nothing says loving, like a pony pic!

The Clean-up Crew

The episode begins with some creepy, and seemingly completely random Civil War photographs.

Awww . . . now THERE’S a nice, happy inspirational picture to hang up in your classroom!

Oh no!  Not another flashback episode.  I always hate those.  Oh wait . .  . I see what you did there, writers . . . Alaric’s a history teacher.  Sometimes I forget he actually has an occupation aside from drinking and playing with his Chunky Monkey.  And now he’s about to try to murder his own friends.

Is it just me, or does the toy on the horse look like he’s giving the other toys the finger?

Just like our ancestors murdered one another, back during that epic bloody battle.

This toy kind of looks like Klaus does at the end of the episode . . . 

Man, I love when TVD gets all “deep” on us.  It makes me feel “smart and sophisticated.”  Now, I don’t have to watch PBS or the History Channel ever again.

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Hey, did you ever notice how Alaric only seems to actually attend classes when he’s “not himself?”  If you recall, Alarklaus taught history classes, back in Season 2.  He even chaperoned the school dance!

Now, Nouveau Ric is hanging out at the high school as well, and on a weekend, no less!  If only the Administration knew how mich being possessed improved Alaric’s work ethic, they probably would have done it themselves, a long time ago.

“I don’t even really like teaching.  But the benefits are unmatched.  And now that I have fangs, I could really use a good dental plan.”

Speaking of the academically inclined, 1,000-year old Rebekah is another character who seems to attend high school more than anyone else on the show.  I mean, seriously, who volunteers to be on the 8 a.m. clean-up crew for a dance for which they spent the entire time lying dead in a coffin with a stake through their heart?  Now, that’s dedication!

“Popularity is super important to me.  After all, if I didn’t have friends?  Who would I eat?”

But Rebekah’s not alone.  Caroline’s on the clean-up crew too.  Two blonde vampires picking up trash together . . . it’s a commercial for Garbage Woman Barbie!

I’m sorry.  That was politically incorrect.  Of course, I meant “Sanitation Worker Barbie.”

Typically at odds with one another in a “b*tch stole my look and my social life” sort of way, Caroline and Rebekah actually seem to be on their best behavior this morning.  With their respective claws retracted, the two Alpha females even go as far as to exchange banal pleasantries with one another . .  . like, for example, “Golly gee!  I was so sorry to hear that your mother tried to murder you, stole your body, and is now definitely dead . . . again.”

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And, “Oh yeah, same goes for that dead history teacher of yours.  I know you really liked him.  It’s a real shame that he decided to die just like your DAD rather than become an undead bloodsucker, like the two of us.”

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You know, the usual sort of chitchat . . .

Speaking of America’s favorite vampire slaying history teacher, Rebekah runs into Alaric . . . or, perhaps I should say, Nouveau Ric by the lockers.  And suddenly, I’m having flashbacks of “The Reckoning.”  (Remember that one . . . back when Klaus was still the Biggest Baddest Vampy in town, and Stefan still occasionally ate Elena . . . in more ways than one?)

Only this time, Rebekah is playing the role of the Damsel in Distress, for a change.

“Phew, your breath is rank, Nouveau Ric!  What do you use to brush your teeth? Codfish?”

Fun times and Phallic Hijinks ensue, as the pair wrestle with the big shiny weiner-like object that is the Invisible Originals-Killing Stake.  Vampire Barbie Caroline hears the commotion, and rushes to join Klaus Barbie in the fight.  This is actually kind of erotic . . .

Caroline: “You know, this is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a threesome.”

Rebekah: *whistles uncomfortably*

Rebekah: “Hey!  No fair!  You can’t just pull it out like that?  What do you think this is,  the rhythm method?”

Of course, Caroline’s no dummy . .  . at least, not in this episode.  She knows when a fight is hers to lose.  And this one has Death Trap written all over it.  So, the littlest Forbes quite wisely makes a run for it.  (It looks like the gym will have to be cleaned some other time.  Hope no one was planning on  using it for. . .  like . . . actual physical education and stuff.)

Don’t you just hate it when you’re trying to get to your car (because some psycho killer wants to shove a big stake up your ass), and your door won’t open?  Poor Caroline!  It seems that, while you can indeed run from Vampire the Vampire Slayer, driving away from him is not an option, especially when you can’t get into your car.  I hope the company that made Caroline’s car didn’t pay for THAT product placement. 

Caroline: *sigh* “If only I had ONSTAR to help me to open my car door, in desperate situations like these.” *winks at camera*

Alaric knocks out Caroline with frightening ease, before dragging her temporarily unconscious, and always lifeless, body across the concrete, wheelbarrow-style.  Ouch!  She’s probably going to feel that in the morning.  While all this is going down, we see Rebekah, in the distance, observing the situation with a mixture of horror and smugness.  Undoubtedly, in this moment she is thinking, “Now, I’m the fairest of them all, B*tch!  The Prom Queen title is MINE!”

“I’d help her out . . . but I don’t want to ruin my manicure.”

Oh, did I forget to mention that Alaric’s face is falling off?

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Why do I suddenly feel like I’m watching the Thriller video?

Oh Esther, you silly little, pursed lips, completely lacking of facial expression, witchypoo, you!  You would think that as the MOTHER OF ORIGINAL VAMPIRES, she would have at least remembered to give her little Frankenvampire creation a Sunscreen Ring, so that he could play with his fellow fangy friends in the daylight.  (“But MOMMY, all the other vampires have them.  NO FAIR!” I could picture Alaric whining, upon learning of this unfortunate turn of events.

“Snookie and the Situation lied.  Gym, tanning and laundry are definitely overrated.”

But noooo Esther . . . you had to make him suffer unnecessarily, in furtherance of your stupid-totally-doomed-to-fail, because the Scoobies always win or there’d be no show brilliant Vampire Extinction Plan.  Super Villain FAIL!

Then again, I guess you had your reasons . . . like the fact that the episode needed a title . . . and a Cinderella “They all turn back into pumpkins at midnight” type timeline to “heighten the intensity.”

“Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . . another one.”

Back at the Gilbert House of Death, Misery, and Hideous Floral Décor, siblings, Jeremy and Elena, are innocently painting not-so-dead Alaric’s bedroom a lovely shade of toothpaste green.  (That will teach you not to DIE LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO, Alchy Ric!  Now your bedroom vaguely resembles snot.  I hope you are proud of yourself.)

If Alaric had a grave, he’d be rolling over in it . . . Then again, considering this is a guy who willingly decorates his classroom with pictures of dead people, and the Civil War equivalent of GI Joes,  he’s not exactly an Arbiter of Taste, either.

Stefan arrives on the scene to offer his trademark Sad Smile (also, presumably to kill some time, since “Murder and Mayhem” don’t appear on his calendar today, until about noon.  To say that Petulant Pouty Jeremy (Oh, how I missed your misery Jer Bear!  Unhappiness is SO hot.) is less than thrilled to see one of his sister’s multiple undead suitors on the scene is the understatement of the century.

“I challenge you to a wet t-shirt contest.”

(Then again, it’s possible that Mini Gilbert is simply jealous of Elena’s popularity with members of the opposite sex . . . human or not.  After all, his own ghost girlfriends seemed to have stopped calling him entirely.  I mean things have to be REALLY bad in the relationship department, when women who lack corporeal bodies aren’t willing to bone you.  I’ll bone you, Jer Bear!)

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Let’s face it Jer, when she stops haunting you, while you’re on the toilet . . . she’s just not that into you.

“All I want is one day without vampires,” Jeremy gripes.

(And hey, considering we are one week away from the season finale of the show, Jeremy might get an ENTIRE summer without vampires .  . . unless he watches True Blood.)

Though he tries to play it “cool,” Stefan seems a bit hurt by Jeremy’s statements.  (It’s time to grow a thicker skin, Stefan!  You would think that having been alive for nearly two centuries, you would have at least one or two insults lodged at you that were harsher than the equivalent of:  “Vampires suck.  I wish they’d stop trying to bone my sister.”)

“I know . . . it’s just .  . I just finished watching The Notebook again.  And I’m in a really vulnerable place, right now.”

This, obviously, puts Elena in an awkward position, as she tries to broker a fragile peace between all the men in her life.  Fortunately she doesn’t have to broker for very long, before there is a knock at her door.  Surprise!  It’s the other man in her life . . .  some would say the Best Man (I know I would!)

Still in her flapper costume, nearly 24 hours later.  This takes Walk of Shame to a whole new level.

Of course, I’m referring to Damon, who’s currently hanging out on Elena’s doorstep with a Bloody Bonnie by his side  . . . a bloody Bonnie, who he has undoubtedly scraped off the floor and fed his own blood, after a zombified version of herself gave him a migraine and let then-almost vampire Ric give her a massive hickey on her neck.

And they say Damon isn’t the forgiving type . . .

So now the Scooby Gang knows that Ric-ipoo is not-so-much-dead.  The next challenge is for Bonnie to come up with the Witch Ex Machina to make him definitely dead.  Oh Bonnie, you are sooo the Velma of your Scooby Gang  . . . always stuck with your head in boring spell books, while everyone else is breaking sh*t, beating people up, and getting laid.

Sometimes, the truth hurts.

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Furnished, it’s Rebekah’s turn to want to kiss Mystic Falls goodbye.  Next week, it will be Klaus’ again .  . . oh . . . wait .  . . nevermind. But Klaus isn’t about to skip town without his prized bloodbag Elena.  How else would he be able to create an unlimited array of hybrids who would be eternally gay for him (even the female ones)?  Rebekah pleads for him to reconsider.  After all, wasn’t the whole Hybrid Thing really just a convoluted end-run around being alone?

And hey, Klaus doesn’t NEED to be alone anymore.  He has his family now . . . you know, the folks he carried around in coffins for hundreds of years, just for fun . . . well . . . except for his mother (dead), his father (deader), and Finn (deadest) . . . but Klaus never really liked them anyway, right?

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Ahhh . . . but here’s the rub.  Klaus’ family isn’t quite as gay for him as the hybrids are.  They misbehave, have opinions of their own, occasionally fight back.  Unacceptable!

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Sorry Rebekah!  Hybrids, for the win.  It looks like you will be leaving this sorry ass, one-bar, town alone . . .

Klaus Mikaelson . . . Worst . . . Paperboy . . . EVER!

Oh Klaus . . . sketcher of smiley ponies . . .

.  . . painter of poop . . .

It has been quite some time, since we got to see you kick some genuine ass.  And no, I’m not just talking about your threatening to “kill everyone [insert name here] loves; or getting your hybrids to kick asses for you . . . I’m talking about honest-to-goodness acts of impressive villainy.  “Before Sunset” finally allowed us to see some of that . . .

 . . . annnnnd then Klaus died.

Shortly after he learned the truth about Nouveau Ric, Klaus paid a little visit to the Gilbert house to retrieve Princess Elena.  The problem, of course, is that, unbeknownst to Klaus (and everyone else in the house, for that matter), Elena is out rescuing Caroline, whos’s been held hostage by Nouveau Ric at the school.  To be honest, I don’t know if “rescuing” is ever a good word to describe for what Elena does for other people .  . . since it always ends up with Elena in danger, and people coming to rescue her.  Maybe what Elena does should become it’s own adjective: “Elena-ing.”

“Hmm . . . who’s number is this in my cell phone?  TV Recapper?  DELETE!”

Either way, neither the Salvatore Brothers, nor Mini Gilbert, have any intention of letting Klaus in the house.  This, of course, pisses Klaus off royally.  And so, he responds by doing what Klaus does best . . .  He throws a temper tantrum.

Have you ever played that old video game, where you’re the Paperboy, and the object of the game is to get all the papers on your “route” to land on the stoop, as opposed to  . . . hitting the neighbor’s dog, or breaking windows?  Yeah . . . well, let’s just say Klaus has other strategies in mind.

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Suddenly, the Original Hybrid is chucking newspapers, soccer balls, pieces of white picket fence . . . anything he can get his hands on  . . .

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 . . . at the not-entirely-unsuspecting Salvatore Brothers, who are expertly ducking them all.  It’s like one big crazy game of dodgeball!

I don’t know about what Klaus is doing. It sure seems like an awful lot of work to me just to get into a house.  As another, much more talented recapper (Entertainment Weekly’s Mandi Bierly) than I pointed out, Klaus’ brother Elijah accomplished the exact same thing, with nothing more than the loose change in his pocket.

Also, not to point out the obvious, but what the heck are the Gilbert’s neighbors going to think about all this?  Then again, given all the CRAZY INSANE-O things we’ve seen go on at the Gilbert house, these past three seasons, the fact that the neighbors NEVER ever thought to call the cops . . . or better yet move . . . probably means that they are all dead anyway.  (Maybe Klaus ate them?)

Or Stefan . . .

Once the gang finally figures out where Elena actually is (thanks to a helpful call from Nouveau Ric, himself), it should come as no surprise to anyone that Saint Stefan is the one that encourages Klaus to join Team Scooby in it’s weekly installment of the “Save Elena” games.   After all, they all want the same girl, right?  They might as well work together to get her back.

“B*tch PLEASE!”

Never one to look a gift pony in the mouth (especially one he’s drawn), you can’t exactly blame Klaus for being a bit skeptical of the offer.  In no uncertain terms, Klaus reminds Stefan that, if they defeat Nouveau Ric, Klaus WILL be leaving Mystic Falls with lover girl as his bloodbag.  “Then I’ll go with you,” Stefan says, unfazed.

“And that’s why you’re the better option [for Elena],” Klaus remarks generously . . . thus proving that he will say whatever it takes to get back into the jock strap of his unrequited vampire love.

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Long story short, Klaus isn’t about to give up the opportunity to have his blood bag, and eat Stefan’s weiner too.  He’s SO in!

The question is, of course, if no stake on Earth can kill Ric, how are Bonnie and her Scooby Gang plus Klaus going to manage it?  More on that, in a little bit . . .

Teacher’s Pet

That Nouveau Ric!  He’s such a sweetie.  Here he is giving up a fun weekend of binge drinking and blacking out to offer some private tutoring to his favorite students Caroline and Elena.  The lesson of the day: Why Murdering Vampires Isn’t as Morally Reprehensible as You Might Think 101.  Since this is an “interactive lesson” it involves Caroline being stabbed in the hand with a pencil, and gagged with vervain.

Oh, Alaric.  You really haven’t thought this one through.  How is she supposed to take notes?

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Disturbing as this scene was, I liked the way it fleshed out (no pun intended) Alaric’s alter ego a bit more.  In earlier episodes, the guy came off as nothing more than a raging lunatic.  But this scene reminded us that Nouveau Ric, evil as he might be, still possesses all of Alaric’s old memories.  He even . . . in his own twisted way . . . still cares about Elena . . . sort of. And when he tells the young woman that he came thisclose to formally adopting in his “other life,” that his vampire distrusting parents would be disappointed in some of Elena’s recent “life choices,” you can tell that he really believes it.

In a way, Nouveau Ric is kind of like a religious extremist or terrorist . . . so firm and single-minded in his beliefs, that he is willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish them . . . even if it doing it makes him a monster.  Klaus tries to coax Elena into staking Caroline, under the theory, that her death will be more painful if Alaric himself carries it out.

“For the last time, I will NOT touch your stick, Ric!  So, stop whipping it out, and waving it in my face!”

But surprisingly enough, the teenager outsmarts the dude with the Master’s degree, by pretending to try and stake him, while she douses his face with scalding-to-vampires vervain.

Now, Nouveau Ric is angry . . . and you wouldn’t like him, when he’s angry. . .

The Three Vamp-keteers . . . the Witch . . . and the Whipping Boy

Surprise!  At the eleventh hour, Bonnie Ex Machina has discovered the key to temporarily killing . . . at least until the non-vampire Scooby Gang reaches their 30’s the seemingly unkillable Nouveau Ric.  Specifically, Bonnie wants to use on Alaric the dessication spell, her absentee bio mom once used on the now definitely dead Mikael.

The catch is that she needs her lame-ass, cut-and-run, pays more attention to her pseudo-son/boyfriend than her, mother Abby, in order to accomplish the deed.

Now, I can’t STAND the useless, wimpy, cowardly character of Abby.  And I would have much rather her stayed GONE.  That said, I kind of love how the writers used her to express us recapper’s long standing complaint that the Salvatore’s house .  . . which was specifically deeded over to the very human Elena back in Season 2 . . . now seems open to any and all vampires.  Of course, most of the characters on the show consistently ignored this annoying anomaly until Abby.

Speaking in the voice of the writers, Damon explains that, when Elena “died” (for about two seconds) back in episode 221, the house reverted back to the Salvatores, at least in the spiritual sense (legally, it OBVIOUSLY still belongs to Elena).  And so, since La Casa de Rich and Awesome is once again vampire owned, it is pretty much an Open House for every soon-to-be-dead guest star vampire around . . .you know . . .  like Abby.

Anywhoo . . . Abby’s all “Nooo . . . dear daughter, who I abandoned, seemingly uncaring as to whether you lived or died .  . . PLEASSSEEEE don’t do the Dessication spell!   It involves BLACK MAGIC, and . . . temporarily killing a human by stopping their heart and .  . . having vampires drink your blood again . . . and making your face look prematurely veiny.   In other words, this is a big time Bad News Spell, child.  It can f*&k you up, something fierce!”

Fortunately, Damon pipes in to say.  “Hey, she’s Bonnie ex Machina.  It’s her JOB to perform dangerous spells in the last ten minutes of every episode to save our asses.

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Not that we pay her, or anything . . . because we don’t.  But hey!  If she didn’t do it, she might as well be another show . . . like The Secret Circle . . . or something.

It’s settled them!  Black magic and veiny face be damned.  Klaus, Stefan and Damon are going to temporarily incapacitate Nouveau Ric, and drink Bonnie’s blood . . . so that Bonnie can mumble in faux Latin . . . and do whatever it is she does on this show that constitutes “spell casting.”

Jeremy: “Umm . . . Bonnie . . . not to question your witchy ways or anything, but what exactly does grabbing my crotch repeatedly have to do with killing Nouveau Ric.”

Bonnie: *whistles awkwardly*

But here’s a question:  what moronic human is idiotic enough to let Bonnie stop his heart, even temporarily,  for the love of one teenage girl.  Do you even have to ask?  It’s Mini Gilbert of course.  (Poor guy, even he performs acts of tremendous bravery, they always seem to involve him lying on his back, and having the crap kicked out of him by women.  Life just isn’t fair.)

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Oh, and did I mention that Bonnie “found” Caroline and Elena at the school, using her trusty iPhone GPS.  Obligatory and Obnoxious Product Placement Alert!

Trying to determine whether your history teacher is an alien?  There’s an app for that!

In which Elena gets an IDEA . . .

Though the Three Vamp-keteers put on a good show, of trying to tackle Nouveau Ric together at school (The diversion even enables Klaus to free, and subsequently make some serious sex eyes, at Caroline.) . . .

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 . . . their efforts to stake Nouveau Ric, while Bonnie fondles Jeremy’s chest, and attempts to stop his heart, are ultimately ineffective, and end with both Salvatore Brother down for the count.

Thus proving you can never be too old for nap time.

But worry not, because hope is not yet lost.  Nouveau Ric’s staunch refusal to kill vampire lover Elena makes the doppelganger extremely suspicious . . . so, suspicious, in fact, that she takes a risk, and tries to slice open her own neck for sh*ts and giggles.

It’s a Do-It-Yourself Hickey . . .

The seemingly suicidal action causes Nouveau Ric to go batsh*t insane, thereby confirming Elena’s surprisingly clever hypothesis.

Apparently Nouveau Ric’s life is tied to Elena’s in the same way each other vampire’s life is tied to an Originals.  So, if and when Elena dies, Nouveau Ric will die too.  In other words, Alchy Ric isn’t actually a threat to Elena, even at his most vampire hater killingest.  Problem solved  . . .Elena has been saved . . .  again . . . crisis averted, right?

WRONG!

Alert the media, Elena’s in danger again!

We come back from commercial to find out that sh*t has really hit the fan now.  Somehow, Klaus managed to get away from Alaric, and took Elena with him.  So, remember the Good Old Days, when Klaus used to want Elena to live, because he needed her blood bagging talents to make more hybrids?  Apparently, not so much, anymore!  All it took was one look at how powerful Nouveau Ric was, and Klaus completely flip-flopped on his Elena policy.

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But you know Klaus . . . he’s all about the Evil Villain Monologue.  So, instead of bleeding Elena dry as fast as possible, he decides to gossip with her, about which Salvatore Brother she loves more.  DAMON!  DAMON!  IT’S GOTTA BE DAMON!

Of course, Elena doesn’t give an answer because it’s not the season finale yet.  Actually she does answer Klaus’s question.  Just not necessarily in the way we would have hoped . . .

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Now, he’s draining her blood, in hopes of escaping with his own life in tact.  Sure, it will mean that the amount of new hybrids Klaus can make are limited.  But that’s a small price to pay for eternal life, right?  And eternal life is exactly what Klaus will get once Elena and Alaric are dead? True?

Maybe not . . . you see . . . Klaus’ main henchman during the Elena Draining is none other than Tyler . . . Elena’s friend . . . Caroline’s boyfriend . . . and a self-de-sired hybrid, who, in his own words is “SO NOT [KLAUS’] b*tch anymore.  So, much for hybrids being an Original Vampire’s best friend!  Tyler is clearly, gay for Klaus, no more.

“Now, I’m gay for Damon!  Sorry!”

 And what’s worse, he’s called in the Scooby Gang to perform on Klaus the exact same “desiccation” spell originally meant for Nouveau Ric.

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In the words of werewolves . . . and cartoon dogs named Astro . . . Ruh Roh, Klausipoo!

Your cheating heart . . . (will make you dried out and veiny)

Back in the Forest Where Everyone in Mystic Falls Has Died at Least Once, Bonnie is, once again, chanting and mumbling over a sleepy . . . soon to be dead-y Jeremy.   This time, though, she succeeds in stopping her ex-boyfriend’s heart, at the exact same moment the Salvatore Bros have staked Klaus.

“Need   . . . Botox . . . now.”

Oh, this is soooo time for a nose bleed, right?  Apparently not.  Nope . . . no nose bleeds for Black Magic Bonnie, who seems to be having wayyy to much fun stopping Jer Bear’s heart if you ask me.  I mean, girlfriend’s making an “O” face, while she’s killing her boy toy, which is just beyond inappropriate if you ask me . . .

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Temporarily Murdering Jeremy > vibrator

Also . . . her face is getting all black and veiny, for no apparent reason whatsoever.  EW!  I don’t know about you, but if I had to choose one, I’d go nosebleeds over Vein Faced spellgasms any day (and twice on Sunday).

Back at the Klaus House, Big Bad Original is starting to look all pale, sad, creepy, lifeless zombie like . . . you know, kind of like his siblings looked, back when he staked all of them.  Knowing that life as he knows it is now coming to an end, Klausipoo takes these last few moments to share one final eye-f*&k with the secret love of his life, Stefan.  It was both sad, and sexy at the same time.  And Stefan’s eyes are undoubtedly pregnant right now from the effort.

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Still . . .  eye-screw or no-screw, Klaus is DEAD-DEAD . . . at least until the next Sweeps period.

Mini Gilbert lived to tell the tale though!

“Oh Bonnie.  I had the most awful dream.  You were murdering me with your hands, while making sex noises.”

But only after a maudlin Bonnie cried hysterically for about three seconds over his unconscious body.  (Oh honey,  we saw your O-face.  Don’t act all high and mighty now, and pretend you didn’t enjoy it.)

When all is said and done, the Salvatore Brother’s toss Klaus’ lifeless body into the trunk of their car where Stefan gives it the goodbye screw of it’s life, and escort the favor, slightly de-blooded, Elena back home.

The Doppelganger and Not-Secret Service Crew

At the doorstep, she stops to thank them for being so patient with her.  But she really needs some more time to choose which one of them she wants to dry hump on a regular basis, if that’s OK with them.  DAMON!  DAMON! DAMON!

They both say, “Sure ! No problem” (though neither of them really means it), and head for the hills.

In the car, on the way to dump Klaus’ body off the Wickory Bridge, Stefan and Damon have a heartfelt conversation about Elena.  I probably would have paid a lot more attention to it, if, the whole time, I wasn’t waiting for Klaus to pop up in between them, say, “HAHA FOOLED YA, SUCKAS!  I AIN’T EVEN DEAD YET,” and start making out with Stefan.

It never happened.  And I can’t decide whether or not I’m disappointed about that.

Anywhoo, Damon and Stefan mutually agree with one another, about how totally hot and perfect Elena was.

Then, Saint Stefan offers to “gallantly” leave town if Elena ends up choosing Damon as her “lovah!”

At first, Damon’s response seems to be “F*&k that, if she picks you, I’m sticking around for the Hot Revenge Sex I’m going to get, each time you two fight.”

But eventually, Damon VERY RELUCTANTLY agrees to do the same thing for his brother’s sake.  “And hey,” Damon adds.  “In sixty or so years, after Elena croaks, we might even be able to be brothers again.”

Good old Damon.  Always the optimist . . . well . . . except for the fact that he’s only letting Elena live until her mid seventies.  That’s kind of cold, don’t you think?

It’s a CELEBRATION!

It’s rare to get truly happy moments on TVD.  But we got one at the end of this episode, when Jer Bear, Bonnie, Tyler (who, since the founder of his bloodline is only “all dried up” and not “actually dead, got to live to see the end of this episode), Token Human Matt, Caroline and Elena herself all got to get wasted on tequila, and celebrate the death of Season 2 and 3’s Big Bad.

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Just happy not to have a vervain soaked rag in her mouth, a slightly tipsy Caroline echoed her not-so-much boyfriend Klaus, in trying to get Elena to voice her Salvatore Brother Choice.  But Elena wasn’t about to let a little thing like the fact that polygamy isn’t legal in Virgina, rain on her Dead Klaus Parade!  No sir!

And it’s a good thing too . . . because all that happiness only lasts for about two seconds . . .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls,  Nouveau Ric crashes a council meeting to out Caroline’s and Tyler’s respective mommies as “vampire sympathizes’ and “harborers of supernatural creatures.”  Now, it’ just a hunch.   But I’m thinking this is going to hurt their chances at mayor and sheriff re-election, BIG TIME!  (Might I suggest throwing a little compulsion in with those campaign buttons  . . .)

In more bad news . . .

So, THAT’S where Bonnie’s nosebleeds went . . .

In the final moments of the episode, we see Elena returning to Alaric’s room to finish painting his snot green walls.  A searing pain hits her neck, and she passes out, blood dumping from her nose, like Bonnie on a Spell Bender.  Well, this can’t be good . . .

“Don’t call it a nosebleed.  Call it a Blood Mustache.”

That said, for all two of you that actually thought Elena actually croaked, you can rest easy.  The doppelganger LIVES!

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And I have proof!

Here  . . .

Here . . .

And here . . .

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

May Sweeps and April Fools – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Do Not Go Gentle”

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“Oh, how I miss the good old days, when I only had one personality, and when my biggest problem was that my girlfriend’s teenage niece accidentally caught a glimpse of my Chunky Monkey.”

Ever feel used and abused by one of your favorite television shows .  . . like the writers treated you like a cheap tissue, blowing their nose on your tummy, and tossing you in the trash?

That’s kind of how “Do Not Go Gentle,” made me feel, this week.  Of course,  this is not to say it wasn’t a well-written, bold, and game changing episode.  It was!  And yet, I still somehow ended the hour with a not-so-fresh feeling . . .

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Shameless excuse to use Damon shower gif?  CHECK!

Then again, when you think about it, this wasn’t even TVD’s first Fake Death at a School Dance Episode.  (Remember what didn’t happen to Bonnie during “The Last Dance?”)

So, perhaps, I’m a bit at fault for coming into the episode so patently unprepared for emotional manipulation.  On a lighter note, I now have about four more pictures, of hot boys with single tears streaming down their cheeks, for my ever-growing Soulful Crying Collection!  So, HOORAY FOR ATTRACTIVE ANGST!

Let’s review, shall we?

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(As always a Big Bloody thank you to Andre, one of my favorite Fangbangers, for all the awesome screencaps you see here . . . including a few admittedly obscure screencap requests made by THIS lazy recapper . . .)

Faux-bekah Strikes Again

We begin our episode over at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer But Not as Well Furnished.  Klaus is hard at work, painting something that, I suspect is supposed to look moody and avant garde, but to me vaguely resembles a big pile of poop . . . literally . . .

This is why you shouldn’t chew on girls who eat beans for dinner . . .

Faux-bekah has just returned from her little pow wow with Psycho-Ric, and wants to “bond” with Klaus.  For the record, Barbie Klaus is acting so completely unlike the real Rebekah (She’s all prim, proper and prissy, now . . . Her accent has even changed) that it annoys me a bit that Klaus isn’t at all suspicious.

“I’m showing you mine.  So, whip it out, and show me yours.  Come on.  Don’t be shy.  It’s not like I haven’t seen it before.  I used to change your diapers.  Oops . . . I mean, our mom used to change your diapers . . . But I’m not your mom, no sir!  Now, bend over and let me spank you on your knee for pooping on that piece of artwork.”

I mean, this is the SISTER he’s known for 1,000s of years (thereby making this at least ten times worse than all those times Katherine fooled Stefan and Damon into thinking she was Elena).  And it’s not as though Klaus is a stranger to bodily possession.

Yet, we get no indication that Klaus is the least bit wise to the fact that his sister is now his mother . . . not even the slightest snarky remark, or eyebrow raise.  I’m starting to think that crushing on Stefan . . . er . . . I mean Caroline, has negatively impacted Klaus’ IQ.

“There’s something different about you, I just can’t put my finger on it.  Oh, wait . . . I know.  You cut your hair and your personality.”

Anywhoo, after the “siblings” discard what is supposedly the Very Last Deadly to Originals Stake together, Klaus starts to discuss the idea of skipping town.  Unfortunately for him, Faux-bekah isn’t  having it.  “But I want to go to the dannnnnnnnce,” she pouts, like the perpetual early 40-something pretending to be the perpetual teenager that she actually is.    (It’s all so very Freaky Friday.)  “And, besides, don’t you want a chance to see Caroline?  I know you looooooooove her.”

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Klaus actually finds this ridiculous argument compelling.  So compelling, in fact, that he agrees to stick around for Mystic Falls’ annual Bloodbath Prom, based solely on the hope that his Prom Queen Crush will dump the football jock, and acknowledge his Hybrid King existence.  Sigh . . .

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After pretending to be “Real Alaric” during a phone conversation with Damon, Psycho Ric meets up with his new girlfriend, Faux-Bekah, again, who  then quickly returns to her old Esther body, by temporarily staking Rebekah.  “WHY?”  I yell at my television.  Just so she can do more of that witchy chanting stuff?  BO-RING.  I don’t know . . . I had the opportunity to parade around as a younger, hotter, version of myself for a few days, while awaiting the destruction of an entire species, I’d do it in a heartbeat.  Just saying . . .

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From a storyline perspective, I was also a bit disappointed at how quickly the form of Faux-Bekah was discarded.  For one thing, it make last week’s big twist so much less impactful than it could have been.  Also, personally, I was interesting in seeing how well Claire Holt could pull off the dual role for a more extended period of time.  Of course, I understand this whole possession storyline to some extent was a been there/ done that rehash of last season’s Alar-klaus fiasco.  But still, it would have been nice if Faux-Bekah stuck around a bit longer.

Girlfriend, can’t catch a break . . . EVER.

On a much more shallow note, there’s just something about the way the actress who plays Esther puffs out her lips when she talks that really bugs me.

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If this episode was a more Faux-Bekah centric one, we could have easily sidestepped this inconvenience . . .

In other news, Jeremy’s back in town.  He’s still wearing the ring, but he’s not a psychopath yet . . . at least as far as we know.  He’s also been spending a lot of time with Matt, which is nice.

Since Mini Gilbert has never been particularly sporty, Matt suggests the young stud take up interpretive dance.

Team Human has to stick together, after all.  As long as neither of these guys bring up the fact that they both used to bone eachother’s sisters, I think they will be OK.

Speaking of Matt boning Elena, what was the deal with Caroline telling Matt to stay away from Elena?  That was kind of pushy!  Now, granted, I don’t want Matt and Elena to get together either.  But I was annoyed on Matt’s behalf that Caroline was the one telling him not to “go there.”  After you break up with someone, you officially waive the rights to have any sort of say in who they date next.  That should be like a law . . .  or something.

Wow, I think this is the first time I’m taking Matt’s side over Caroline’s!

Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Caroline and I are no longer on the same team, shipper wise.  And I’m consequently a little mad at her . . . OK, make that A LOT mad.

Shipping Stelena has painful consequences on this blog . . .

“He’s your Epic Love.” *gag, puke, groan*

Last week, we all got to hear Rose’s argument as to why Elena should be with Damon.

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This week, we got Caroline’s rebuttal.  And it basically boiled down to this:

Caroline, because I am mad at you, you get to be the victim of an unflattering screencap.

(1)     Stefan’s and Elena’s love is EPIC.  Ummm . . . NO.  Actually, THIS is epic . . .

Stefan and Elena are more . . . um . . . sweet, I guess?   I don’t want to offend Stelena fans out there.  But I do take offense to the use of the word “epic,” predominately as a result of the clip above.  Stefan’s great and all.  But he’s no Logan Echolls . . . sorry.

(2)    It’s Stefan’s turn.  *snort, giggle*  Yes, last week, Damon’s “turn” involved some super hot dry humping and almost-sex, at a motel that probably actually did rent by the hour.  Stefan’s “turn” -involved a half a slow dance, a lot of crying, and some G-rated hugging.  Long story short, if this was carnival game, and I was Stefan, I’d ask for my red tickets back.  That wasn’t a “turn,” it was a taste test .  . .

Anyway, Caroline’s “super argument” convinces Elena to ask Stefan to Bloodbath Prom.   He accepts gratefully, thinking, “Hey, maybe I could get some action, under the bleachers, while my ex-girlfriend reminisces about the time I almost ate her there . . .”

Sorry, Stefan . . . this isn’t that kind of episode.

Damon, of course, hasn’t gotten the memo about how lackluster Stefan’s “turn” is going to end up being.  So, he broods and pouts a bit, telling Stefan not to accidentally stab Elena with his corsage . . .

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You know, because if she bleeds, he might be tempted to eat her again . . . and not in the “good way.”

Woefully without a date to the Bloodbath Prom, Damon decides to stalk the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie at the hospital, since she’s the only person on this show, aside from Sheriff Forbes, who actually seems to go to work.  Damon informs Crouching Tiger, Hidden Psychopath, that Alaric hasn’t been taking his “Be a Good Boy,” medication, which means he’s now a “Very Bad Boy.”

In real life, this probably thrills the Lady Doc, who, let’s face it, always seemed like the kind who liked it rough.  Of course, for purposes of this storyline, she has to pretend to be appalled.

“That’s hot . . .  um . . . I mean . . . Oh, no.  How terrible!”

One Big Silver Phallus to Rule Them All

Not enough phallic imagery in the first twenty minutes of this episode?  Worry not!  Lady Esther, is about to take her BIG POWERFUL STICK (i.e. the Originals Killing Stake), and thrust over and over again, into Alaric’s ring, until it oozes silver stuff, thereby rendering, it EVEN BIGGER AND MORE POWERFUL.

“I’m going to need a bigger condom . . .”

Woo!  I need a cold shower, after watching that . . .

Shameless . . . THAT’S ME!

In all seriousness though, the idea of linking the Immortality Ring to the Stake, to prevent it from burning up instantly upon use, thereby rendering it recyclable, was a pretty brilliant move on Esther’s part . . . not to mention clever plotting, on the part of the show’s writers. . .

Dance Karma’s a B*tch . . .

Elsewhere in Mystic Falls, Stefan picks up Elena for the dance, and the two make some highly meta jokes about how super deadly dances happen to be, in this town.  Of course, all this seeming self-awareness would be a lot more meaningful if Stefan and Elena were actually smart enough to take their own advice, and . . . wait for it . . . NOT GO TO THE DANCE WHERE ELENA IS PERPETUALLY IN DANGER, AND HER FRIENDS ALWAYS DIE.

Speaking of meta, resident Alpha Male, Tyler Lockwood rarely gets to exhibit his intelligence on this show (except for that one time, when they randomly decided to put him in Advanced Placement History class).  However, this week, for whatever reason, the writers decided to throw Tyler a bone (Cheesy Wolf Joke Alert), and allot to him, what was, in my opinion, the funniest line in this entire, otherwise rather depressing, episode.

It all starts, with Tyler arriving at the 20’s themed dance, all decked out in his gangster finery, and ready to sweep Caroline off her feet with his mad “swing dance” moves.  (His snooty mom probably made him take ballroom dance lessons, as a kid, or something.)  Caroline, of course, is petrified that Klaus will sniff out (another dog joke) his sire, and make him do something awful, like lick his boots or something.

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But Tyler Lockwood is not afraid.  Ripping off all your clothes, and turning into a werewolf, over and over again in the woods, will do that for a guy.  “What’s he [Klaus] going to do?” Tyler snarks.  “Draw you another picture?”

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That My Little Pony drawing  .. .  man, Klaus really was asking for it when he made that.

“I wuv you, Cawoline!”

Back in my high school, that was the kind of thing that got your head shoved in a toilet.  In addition to Klaus’ “gift” to Caroline not exactly being the most manly way to show a lady your affection, we often forget that Tyler too is an artist.  But, unlike Klaus, he draws DUDE stuff .  . . like bloodthirsty werewolves, and naked ladies with big titties.  In other words, in the male pissing contest for Caroline’s affections, Tyler sort of wins this round.

It IS a dance.  So, we have to get all this cheesy, cuddly, coupley stuff out of the way, before we can starting ripping people’s faces off and killing sh*t.  We see Bonnie having a grand old time with her Not-Brother (who kind of still IS her brother) Jamie.

The Lannister family approves!

I’m pretty sure it’s the only time I’ve seen her smile all season.  Then Jeremy arrives, and looks jealous for about two seconds.  Then, he remembers that his ghost girlfriends were about ten times better in the sack than Bonnie ever was.  So, he goes back to play with Matt some more . . .

While Stefan and Elena slow dance, Elena tries to apologize to Stefan for occasionally tongue kissing, and often dry humping, his brother.

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Stefan says he doesn’t care.  He’s just happy to have a date.  Way to set the bar low, Steffie-poo!  Then, Damon comes and cockblocks the pair, which doesn’t particularly bother me, because someone is ALWAYS cockblocking Damon and Elena.  Remember, as Caroline said, it IS Stefan’s turn . . . and being cockblocked is just one of those things that “turns” with Elena on a non-pay-cable show will inevitably include.

 “Sorry to interrupt . . . oh, wait. .  . no I’m not.”

Apparently, Damon actually has a REAL reason for interrupting Stelena time, aside from just pure not wanting it to happen.  Psycho Alaric has gone rogue, and Damon wants to murder the guy, in order to put his “good self,” out of his misery.  This, of course, pisses off Jeremy, because this will be the third father figure he’s lost since the series started.  (Fourth, if you are like me, and always considered Useless Aunt Jenna to be more paternal, than maternal.)

Would you like some salt with your vampire?

Outside the dance, Esther gets Elena to come with her, because Elena’s a moron she wants to save Alaric’s life, psycho or no psycho.  The rest of the Scooby Gang, run off in pursuit but find they are trapped inside by . .  . wait for it . . . a ring of salt.  SALT!  That’s great!  Who knew this year’s Bloodbath Prom theme would end up being Vampire Barbecue?  Throw in a little hot sauce, and some grilled veggies, and we can make a mean shish-kabob . . .

“This reminds me of the 80’s, when I used to do a lot of coke.”

Damon’s the Cockblock King this week, he interrupts Jamie’s and Bonnie’s incest perfectly normal .  . . make out session  . . .

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 . . . to tell them that the Bonnie’s weird chanting, and nosebleed services are needed to move the salt.  Personally, I would have gone with a plain old vacuum, but that’s just me . . .

Now, we are in some weird creepy cemetery.  (I bet with their super high death toll, there are as many cemeteries in Mystic Falls as most towns have Starbucks.)  It’s here that we learn Esther’s Big Bad Plan.  Apparently, in order to kill all the vampires, she wants to  . . . wait for it . . . turn Alaric into a vampire.  Yes, because a vampire hater, who MAKES LOTS OF VAMPIRES isn’t hypocritical at all.

“Who wants to make some S’Mores?”

Seriously?  Is there some rule that no one on this show can stay human, aside from Elena?  Isn’t part of the aura of vampires the fact that they are so SPECIAL, and so much cooler than us humans?  The problem is, in a town where seemingly about 80% of the population is something supernatural, it’s the humans that are special.  Vampires are kind of, been there, bit that, you know?

Here’s another issue I had with this whole Psycho Ric storyline.  We now learn that the real reason, Alaric’s become all crazy and Founder’s Council killing, is not because The Ring Made Him Do It, but because Esther, herself starting chatting his ear off every time he died?  Huh?  So, is that what we are supposed to believe happened to Samantha Gilbert too?

And if Alaric was really nurtured to believe that vampires and all their friends don’t deserve to live, each time he died, was there really ever an alter ego, at all  . . . or has Alaric been secretly psychotic all this time?  As clever as I thought this whole ring twist was at first, I found Esther’s part in it a bit confusing, and more than a bit frustrating.

Small town boy . . . small town life

Speaking of frustration . . . well, at least of the sexual variety, Klaus gets a verbal and emotional beatdown by Caroline, who, for all her keeping his horse pictures, and secretly mooning over him, in previous episodes, really does seem “just not that into him,” when he manages to pull her aside for one “Last Dance” at the prom.

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She does, however, seem at least intrigued by his suggestion that, one day, her “small town life,” will no longer satisfy her immortal vampire urges.  Now THAT’S a storyline I’d like to see explored further . . .

Nonetheless, it is Tyler who Caroline reaffirms her love for at the end of the dance.  And the Alpha Male even earns some extra points, by offering to sacrifice himself on the Scooby Gang altar, just so Klaus could die.  Yeah, Tyler definitely won this round against his Vampire Papa.  The question is, can he win the war . . . and, even if he does, will he survive to reap the spoils of his victory?

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The rest of the Scooby Gang runs into Klaus, while his now blue-balled self is stalking away from Caroline.  Once again, Klaus is forced to join forces with Team Scooby for a common goal.

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Behold . . . the Eye Candy.

Failing to realize that Plot Device Bonnie is already trying to break the salt barrier, so the vampires can rescue Elena . . . again, and stop Esther and Nouveau Ric, Klaus starts strangling her new beau-not brother Jamie.

You better not hurt me, or my Cousin Skeeter will kick your ass . . .

It shouldn’t be hilarious ..  . but it totally is.

Yes, I’m fully aware that I’m a terrible human being.

Wow, they weren’t kidding.  She really IS just a Human Plot Device!

It’s been three seasons, now.  It’s time the writers deeper into their bag of tricks for spells their witches can do to save / ruin the day at the end of every episode.  For example, I’m really tired of the one where they bleed on a piece of paper, and the blood travels around to “find stuff.”  I know, it’s supposed to be all intense and visceral.  But it always just looks like bad finger painting to me.  It would have been better (or at least funnier) if they had Klaus draw another pony picture, and the horse GALLOPED off the page to Elena’s rescue.

Of course, all the vampires are still busy licking salt, so Token Humans Jeremy and Matt have to go out to the creepy ceremony to save Elena . . . This can’t end well . . .

Back at the cemetery, Esther snatches Elena’s blood and feeds it to Alaric.

Coincidentally, Elena’s O face . . . and Elena’s OH NO face are strikingly similar . . .

She then kills him, helpfully informing Elena that, during Alaric’s transition, he will become “Good Alaric” for one final time.  Then, Jeremy and Matt pop up, and try to shoot Esther, which, of course, doesn’t work . . . because she’s an evil witch ghost DUH!  But surprise!

Crossbows RULE.  Just ask this guy . . .

Good Alaric rises to kill the biatch.

“NO MOTHER’S DAY CARD FOR YOU!”

Hooray . . . for now.

In other good news, now that Queen of the Vampire Haters is dead, Bonnie can move the salt with her mind.  The Scooby Gang is FREE!  But before they can leave to grab Elena, Klaus and Stefan, must fight like the gay lovers they truly are.

“We never touch anymore . . . except when you’re strangling me, or trying to stake me in the stomach.”

Klaus, once again, bemoans his lost friendship with Stefan . . . and by “friendship” he means all the great hot ripper sex they used to have.  Unfortunately, for Klaus, Stefan rejects him too . . . so the sex must not have been as good for Stefan, as it was for Klaus.

“Screw you, Recapper.  I’m an Adonis in the sack!”

Wow, duped by Beks, hated by his own mother, and rejected by both Caroline and Stefan . .. this REALLY isn’t Klaus’ episode, is it?

Worst . . . Funeral . . . EVER!

“Shouldn’t someone like say a speech or something?”

“No, no . . . just stare it him.  The depressing -want-to-slit-your-wrist-music will do all the work for us.”

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It’s maudlin emotional manipulation time, when we learn that Alaric, like Caroline’s dad before him, is not going to complete his vampire transition, so as to save his friends from his own murderous impulses.  This is followed by a massively tear jerking moment, in which the entire cast of the vampire diaries, stares longingly at Alaric, and gives the character, and presumably the actor, a fond adieu.

But that’s not all, we also get, single-tear soulful crying moments, first from surrogate son Jeremy, who’s been through this WAY too many times before . . .

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 . . . then from super crier, Elena . . .

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 . . . and finally, from Alaric himself, as bromantic team Bad Ass buddy Damon, joins Alaric in his self-imposed prison for one final glass of scotch, or bourbon, or whatever the heck is these two’s liquid of choice these days.

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In my absolute favorite scene of the entire episode Damon . . . the King of the Single Tear Cry apologizes for killing Alaric  . . .  twice, while Alaric playfully teases Damon about the cheeseball romance novel dream death he gave Dear Rose,  last season.  A few, alcoholic jokes are exchanges, before Alaric finally passes out from the sedative Meredith gave him.  And a lonely, and bereft Damon exits the “jail” stage left.

And if the episode ended here, I would have been happy . . . very happy.  Not because I want Alaric to be dead, of course.  But because I think this would have been a fitting and poignant send off, for a much beloved character . .  . (who’s going to be starring on another show on the CW soon, anyway) . . .

But nooooo .  . . we still have about five minutes left in the episode.  And it only takes about five minutes for everything to go to hell in a bloody hand basket . . .

“Hey, remember that time when I ate you in this gym?  Good times!”

After a couple sweet scenes, featuring various Mystic Falls’ couples comforting each other, in the wake of the “loss of Alaric” Matt and Jeremy: (“Let’s do shots for the Dead Alcoholic,)”

Bonnie and Not-Brother Jamie: (“I’m so sad about Alaric, even though I’ve shared maybe two scenes with him, since the pilot episode. Dad’s not home.  Let’s screw.”)

And Stefan and Elena: “Here’s the gym where I made you feel really bad, by turning off my emotions, and trying to eat you.  Feeling bad makes you human.  Let’s screw.”) . . .

. . . annoying ass Esther returns again . . .

. . . just we thought we were finally rid of that pucker lipped ho.  This time, she’s in Bonnie’s dreams.

Mother Effer (Or should I say, “Mother Esther?”)

Poor Bonnie . . . always a plot device  . . . never a bride.  Off she goes in her Esther-induced trance to almost dead Alaric’s jail to give the leaving Damon, one of her famous migraines . . .

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“One of these days, I’m going to invest in a really good helmet.”

 . . . and to force feed herself to Alaric.  In the final moments of the episode, Alaric awakens as a Robot Vampire version of himself, armed with a big weiner stake, and out for revenge.

Buffy Alaric VAMPIRE the Vampire Slayer

Silly Scooby Gang . . . you should have let Damon break his neck, when you had the chance.

Next week on TVD, more BAAAAAD Alaric beating people up and breaking sh*t  . . .

. . . at least, until they kill him again . . . probably for good this time.  But since they had the funeral already (and Alaric’s already died about 85,000 times since the pilot episode), this one is probably going to be a bit anti-climactic.  Alaric Saltzman has officially become the Boy Who Cried Dead.

Did I mention we already have a webclip?

One things for sure, with only two episodes left in the season, TVD is going to really have to up its game to wow its increasingly tough to please fanbase.  We’ve seen it all, these past three seasons: murder, cannibalism, sex, sacrifice,  death, destruction, doppelganger hijinks.  What can they possibly throw at us now? 🙂  You’re guess is as good as mine . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

When things go bump (and grind) in the night . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Heart of Darkness”

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The moment I got an electric shock from fondling my television screen . . . Totally worth it.

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  Long time, no fangirl!  Just in case you missed it, this week on TVD, ELENA FINALLY KISSED DAMON . . . and they humped against a dirty motel wall . . . and did some rather naughty things with their fingers in bed . . . it was all so deliciously tawdry, and long awaited, that I spent much of the episode celebrating . . .

Also, there was THIS . . .

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Oh, and I guess some other stuff happened too . . .

So, let your Big Bad Alter Ego out to play, because this episode of TVD is rated “M” for “More Makeouts Than We’ve Seen All Season.”

The Mysterious Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Saltzman

We begin the episode, in the basement of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, also known as ‘The Time Out Corner for Misbehaving Salvatores and Friends.”  That little cage sees more action than a motel that rents by the hour i.e. the place where Damon and Elena shacked up this week   I mean, think about it.  Stefan goes there when he’s all Mean and Rippery.

Damon “rested there,” while he suffered from a nasty case of were-rabies.

Elijah vacationed there, during one of his many Temporary Deaths.

And now it’s Multiple Personality Disorder Alaric’s turn!

Psychotic or not, you have to give Alaric credit for his willingness to endure self-imposed lockdown, so that his Jack Nicholson from The Shining Other Self doesn’t run off and murder all his friends, while he sleeps.

However, when Elena popped by to offer him some food and light reading . . .

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 . . . I couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d been down there, and what the Good History teacher was doing about the all-important Three S’s” of Life (sh*t, shower, shave).  Because I definitely didn’t see a toilet in there . . . or a hose.  So, unless Warden Stefan was willing to act as chaperone, I’m thinking that place smelled pretty darn rank.

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Anywhoo . . . Elena’s real reason for visiting Alaric, of course, has more to do with her, than with him.  After all, she’s going on a little road trip to Denver with Damon to sow her wild sex oats  “rescue Jeremy,” and she needs a little moral support from her erstwhile father figure.

Understandably,  Alaric is pretty grumpy about the idea that Damon and Elena will be off exploring one another’s nether regions, while he’s busy playing “Find the Stake” with Stefan.  I mean, from the looks of things, it’s been a while since Prisoner Alaric has received a conjugal visit from the Good Doctor Crazy Nanny Carrie Meredith.  (Apparently, attempted murder is not so great for your sex life.  Who knew?)

Except . . . as it turns out, ALARIC’S a total psycho, which means he and Crazy Nanny Carrie are kind of perfect for one another . . . 

Alaric wonders out loud how Stefan is feeling about this Delena Sexcation.  And Elena responds that it was HIS IDEA!  Well now, this takes the concept of Brotherly Love to a whole new level, doesn’t it?

“Bye honey!  Be SAFE!  Have fun dry humping my brother!

A bit of awkwardness ensues, when Elena pops by La Casa de Rich and Awesome to meet up with Damon, and Stefan meets her at the door.  “Have fun trying to coax that Big Stick out of Alaric,” Elena offers helpfully.  (No, she doesn’t actually say that.  But I kind of wish she did.)

“Be safe,” Stefan replies morosely, as Damon whisks Elena toward the door.

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Oh don’t you worry your pretty little head about that, Steffie.  You know vampires can’t impregnate humans or spread STDs!  Though they do love to try . . .

Battle of the Blondes

We then move over to Mystic Falls High, where the students are hard at work preparing for their Bloodbath Prom . . . er . . . I mean Decade Dance.  Seriously, at this point the administration should just pick a day at random, where they line the students up against a wall, and randomly slaughter them, Hunger Games style.  It would be much more efficient.  But while we are on the subject of high school, does anyone else find it ironic that 1,000-year old vampire, Rebekah, seems to be the only one who regularly attends?

Caroline and Rebekah are apparently having a contest to see which of them can out “Regina George” the other.

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And the passive aggressive insults are flying across the gym like dodgeballs . . .  Personally, I think Caroline won this fight, though.  Her, “at least I don’t have sex with everyone I make eye contact with,” comment was filled with win.

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(Everybody knows that “slut jokes and fat jokes,” are the girlfight equivalent of “yo mama” jokes  . . .)  As for Rebekah’s retort . . .

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 . . . it probably would have been more effective if the two girls didn’t look so very much alike . . .  And yet, when Blonde Boy Matt sided with Rebekah, when it came to choosing a 20’s themed decade dance, over Caroline’s proffered 70’s one, it appeared that former featherweight champion, Vampire Barbie, might be forced to concede a victory in this round.  The latter stormed out of the gym in a huff, while Rebekah looked on, her face practically brimming with smug satisfaction . . .

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But, as it turns out, the jokes on Rebekah.  Apparently, Matt and Caroline orchestrated the entire argument, just to give Caroline an excuse to leave school, and engage in Sexy Times with Tyler.  (Seriously?  What is with all these guys offering up their ex-girlfriends as sexual sacrifices to the Altar of Alpha Male?)

Now, maybe this makes me a Bad Person.  But I would rather eat glue, than give an ex-boyfriend I’m not over yet, free reign to start boning my more attractive and probably better in bed rival . . .  It’s one thing to accept that your ex has moved on.  It’s quite another to give them an INVITATION to do it . . . particularly, when YOU aren’t getting any, yourself.

“Doh!” 

Boozing Buddies

Speaking of sacrificial males, Stefan has decided that in order for Bad Alaric to come out to play, Good Alaric needs to take a nap.  So, the Broody Vampire decides to speed matters along, by offering Alchyric some liquid lunch . . . which actually makes sense, since I’ve never seen the guy eat.  (You know how vampires only require blood for sustenance?  I’m starting to think the same concept applies to Alaric and Booze.)

Alaric, of course, tries to go all Dr. Phil on Stefan, and his mind boggling decision to get Elena to explore her feelings for Damon via road trip.  Stefan basically admits that in order for him to continue to pursue things with Elena, he has to know she isn’t lusting after his brother.  (Why Stefan?  It never stopped you, before.)

“Scoot over, brother.  It’s my turn to get the neck.”

Alaric and Stefan also reflect upon whether their Psycho and Ripper so-called alter egos, respectively, are really just themselves after a Bad Day.  “The same things that drive him, drive me,” Alaric reflects wisely.

Of course, if anyone knows anything about being driven by bloodlust to do Bad Things, it’s Stefan.  But for Alaric’s sake, he puts a kinder spin on things.  “It’s not you,” he reassures his buddy boy.  “It’s just your darkest parts.”  (Well, THAT sounds dirty . . .)

The “darkest parts” of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, a.k.a. the chocolate fudge . . .

But while all this navel-gazing and moody self-reflection might BORE Alaric, it doesn’t necessarily put him to sleep.  This, of course, means more “physical” tactics will have to be employed.  And, unfortunately, I’m not talking about sex.  Though really, nothing sends a warm-blooded male to dreamland faster than a solid roll in the hay.  I’m referring to a good, old-fashioned ASS KICKING . . .

Fortunately, Klaus has magically appeared to deliver said ass-kicking.  And when Stefan gives his ex boyfriend the Cliff Notes version of the whole “Save the Cheerleader, save the World Destroy the Missing Stake.  Save the Vampire Bloodline,” concept, Klaus helpfully breaks Alaric’s neck, thereby FINALLY powering this starting-to-become-a-bit-draggy plot line forward.

Sweet Dreams, Good Alaric!  (And THANK YOU, KLAUS!)

“Have you met YOU?”

I have to admit I was a bit disappointed, when the episode cut directly to Damon and Elena, already in Denver.  I mean, isn’t the whole point of a Sexy Times Road Trip, the hours and hours of having absolutely nothing to do but stare at one another, and bond over the bad in-flight movie?

Obviously the duo MORE than made up for this, by the episode’s end.  But at this point in the game, I was a little peeved.

Damon and Elena find Jeremy alone at the batting cages, striking out, of course.  “I should have compelled him to be better at baseball,” Damon quips.  (I don’t know.  If I was a teenage boy, there are a few things I’d want to be compelled to be “better” at, but baseball isn’t one of them.)

“STRIKE ONE”

“STRIKE TWO”

“STRIKE THREE!  YOU’RE OUTTTT!”

 The duo quickly fill Jeremy in on at least part of the reason they are really here . . . to get “I See Dead People” Jeremy to “talk” to Rose, and find out which Original sired her, so that the Scooby Gang doesn’t kill that one.  “So, you came all the way up here to get me to talk to some dead vampire?”  Jeremy gripes.

No, we also came up here, to make sure that Ring of Immortality Ring your wearing hasn’t already turned you into a drooling, vampire-hating loony toons, like your guardian, Alchyric.  “Dead and vampire is redundant, but yes,” Damon replies.

Jeremy promptly informs his darling sister, who has effectively traveled across the country to have sex with Damon effectively prevent the extinction of vampire kind, that the Vampire Apocalypse is just going to have to wait.  Apparently, Mini Gilbert has much more important things to do than save the world . . . like whacking balls with a “dear friend.”

Remember that time, an episode or two ago, when  Jeremy told Elena over the phone that he was heading out to spend time with “some friends?”  And most of the fandom immediately took this a a sign that Jeremy, much like his guardian before him, had already taken a One Way Trip to Crazy Town?  In fact, many fans even went as far as to suggest that these “friends” Jeremy was referring to may actually be vampires he’d already murdered, in the same way he offed that hybrid, before being sent away in the first place . . .

As it turns out, fans were right to be worried about the fact that Jeremy made “a friend.”  Apparently, sexy little Jer is only allowed to have real “friends” if they belong to his sister, or secretly want to sleep with him.  “Didn’t you find it a little weird that you made a friend so fast?  Have you met you?”  Damon chastises Jeremy later for his poor judgment.

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So, yeah, long story short, Jeremy’s friend was “Kol,” a reveal that probably surprised precisely no one, since we knew the Original Vamp had been stalking Jeremy, and his new dog (See, at least Jeremy has a Man’s Best Friend), ever since the latter arrived in Denver.  That said, I must admit, I did feel a bit bad for Jeremy, when Kol admitted.  “You and I are not really buds,” before bashing Damon’s head in with an aluminum bat.  (Of course, I felt worse for Damon for being beaten by an aluminum bat.  But, I felt bad for Jeremy too!  I mean, everyone should have REAL friends right.  Even if those friends just so happen to be blood sucking sociopaths . . .)

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Eventually, Damon manages to stake Kol with something that ISN’T dipped in or made from white oak ash (i.e. good for temporary death nap, but nothing more), and the threesome escape the batting cages, relatively unscathed.  But  . . . with Kol knowing the groups whereabouts, they can’t well stay in Denver.  So, you know what that means.  It’s time to check into the Sex Motel!  (Can I get a hell yeah!)

In which I take back everything bad I ever said about Rose the Vampire . . .

Unfortunately, this vacation isn’t only for Delena pleasure.  It’s for business too.  So, upon arriving at the hotel Jeremy “I talk to dead people” Gilbert manages to channel Ghost Vampire Rose, through Damon’s memories of her.

When Damon first starts waxing poetic about Rose’s death being beautiful, and sweet, and blah, blah, blah, Elena thinks he’s blowing smoke up Jeremy’s ass.  And understandably so.  After all, the last time Elena saw Rose, she looked like this . .  .

. . . and was literally trying to chew Elena’s face off.  It’s not really an image one soon forgets.  Interestingly enough, it’s Jeremy, who has either already connected with Rose, or simply managed to get hi s hand on the TVD Season 2 DVD that corrects Elena’s misinterpretation of the situation.  “Damon was talking about the dream he gave her when she died,” he offers.

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(Damn, Ghost Whisperers, always thinking they know everything . .  .)  After the reunited pair get the banal chitchat out of the way . . . (Yes, Rose is still hot.  Yes, she misses Damon, but is NOT obsessed with him.) . . . things start to get really interesting.

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Now, those of you who have read my recaps before know full well, that I was far from Rose’s biggest fan.  I believe the nickname I used for her was “Boyfriend Stealer.”

In fact, for weeks after she died, I refused to use any other photograph to illustrate this character but her Were-Rabies Mugshot.

Here we go again . . .

 It wasn’t really anything personal.  It’s just that, as a Delena shipper, I found the fact that Rose was constantly humping Damon to be . . . well . . . how do I put this kindly .  . . REALLY ANNOYING!

That all changed when Elena told Jeremy THESE fateful words, “Tell Damon I’m rooting for him and Elena.”

That’s right, Fangbangers.  Apparently, my former fictional arch rival is a fellow Delena shipper.

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This means she and I have the incontrovertible bond of folks who share the same ship.  And, therefore, I must love her like a sister.  (It’s easy for me to do this, since I am an only child, and really have no concept of what “loving someone like a sister” actually means.)  So, Rose, if you are out there . . . in Heaven, or wherever it is that rabid vampires go .  . . I’m sorry for calling you Man Stealer, posting ugly pictures of you on the internet, and not being particularly sad when you died.  I truly hope you can forgive me.  Oh, and if you ever want to come to my house, and watch Season 2 of The Vampire Diaries with me on DVD (We can skip your death episode of course), I promise to invite you inside.

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Oh, but back to the real reason we called Rose.  Who sired her?  As it turns out, it wasn’t ANY of the Originals.  Rather, the woman who sired Rose was a girl named “Mary Porter,” a.k.a. Scary Mary.  (Well, this certainly complicates things.)  Though Rose doesn’t know where Scary Mary lives off hand, apparently there’s some Vampire Phone Chain she can tap into.  Rose promises the Scooby Gang that she will do some research, and get back to them with an answer, before bidding them a fond adieu.

This, of course, means Damon, Elena and Jeremy can’t leave until they hear back from Rose.  Damon calls Stefan with the AWESOME . . . er . . . I mean terrible news.  “We’re stuck in a motel,” says Damon glibly.

The look on Stefan’s face upon hearing this admission is totally priceless.  Sorry, buddy.  But hey, you wanted Elena to explore her feelings for Damon.  And now she’s going to have an entire night in a not particularly big bed to do just that . . .

Mother/Daughter bonding?  (Yeah, we should have remembered that NEVER really happens on this show.)

Back at La Casa de Richer and Awesomer, But Not as Well Decorated (also known as the Originals’ house), Matt drives Rebekah home from school.  And she is so impressed that a boy actually did something nice for her, that she looks like she wants to hump his leg.  All joking aside, I REALLY these two together, and hope they both live long enough on this show to make a go of it.

“Thank you!  I WILL have a nice life.  Because I’m the only human left on this show . . . unless you kill me, of course.”

Rebekah’s good mood is short-lived though.  Because when she crosses the threshhold into her home she’s greeted by none other than her miserable murderous, slightly bug-eyed Mommy.  Mommy Dearest tells Rebekah that the latter really should have no hard feelings about the whole “I tried to kill you” thing, because she’s dying now too.  We all know how starved Rebekah is for ANY show of love and kindness.  So, of course, she cracks immediately, cradling her mother’s hands as the latter . . .  “dies.”

In the words of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.  “Big mistake . . . HUGE!”

“Tell him to suck it,” and other moments of Forwood Cave Porn

Meanwhile a much happier reunion is occurring in the Forest Where Bad Things Happen.  I really do love how horny Caroline and Tyler always seem to be.  I mean, think about it, whenever they aren’t broken up, these two are ALWAYS, ALWAYS boning.  This week they were almost too busy boning to engage in any dialogue at all.

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They boned against the tree .  . . They boned against the cave wall . . . They boned on the cave floor.

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They would have boned at Caroline’s house.  But they couldn’t because Lizard Forbes was home, which meant they actually had to talk.  Well, that don’t go over so well . . .

(Yes, before you guys, all jump down my throat, I know that Caroline and Tyler had a very sweet post coital conversation on the cave floor, during which Caroline said Klaus should suck it (HE WISHES!), and admitted to Tyler that if the Scooby Gang killed Klaus he would die too.  Caroline and Tyler are fully capable of engaging in adult conversation.  They’d just much rather have sex.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  I mean, have YOU seen them?  I’d bone all the time too . . .)

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But back to Caroline’s house, where everything went to hell, and all because Caroline just COULDN’T bear to throw away that darn pony picture that Klaus drew her.  Ruh-roh!  Tyler didn’t like that one bit.  And I for one, think his anger was justified.  I mean, the way I see it, if a sociopathic psycho killer draws a picture of you, there are only two rational reasons why you would want to keep it.  (1) He’s a FAMOUS psycho killer.  And you plan on selling the picture on E-bay for a crapload of money.  (2) You’re hot for the psycho killer.

Sorry Caroline . . . we haven’t seen you on E-bay.  So, I’m thinking it’s option 2 for you . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Looooooooove Shack . . .

In which Elena finally ravages Damon, a.k.a. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!

His suspicion piqued by Rose’s offhand comment, Jeremy understandably wants to know what’s going on between Elena and Damon.  The problem is that Elena’s not quite ready to admit what’s going on to herself yet .  . . at least not for another hour or so.  But Jeremy takes the hint anyway, and lets Elena and Damon share the second bed, while he sleeps alone.  Smart boy . . .

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Later that night, Elena is watching an open shirted Damon strut around the hotel room with his shirt hanging open (which is my FAVORITE Damon Look, by the way), and looking hotter than I’ve seen him look like .  . . EVER.

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And this is including all those shower scenes!  She’s staring him like she wants to swallow him whole.  And even though she tries to pretend she’s sleeping when he turns around, he notices . . . as all hot guys notice, when girls are ogling them like construction workers.

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Sensing an opening (smart boy), Damon crawls into bed with Elena, but lays on his back, so as not to make her feel pressured.  It’s not the first time they’ve slept together.  But it IS the first time Elena has seemed so very eager.  And Damon doesn’t want to screw up the moment.

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Elena starts the conversation, as she turns toward Damon, her eyes roving his mostly naked body.  Her eyes are already filled with yearning and wanting.  I suspect it’s already taking all her strength not to jump him right here and now.  But she’s got to treadly lightly too, as this is a “test of her true feelings.” And she doesn’t want her hormones to get in the way.

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“You never told me what you did for Rose,” Elena muses.

“It wasn’t about you,” Damon responds wisely.

It’s an important point to make.  Because, as far as Elena has always been concerned, Damon only did good, and selfless things for Elena’s benefit, because he loved her, and sought her approval.  But Damon’s selfless actions with regard to Rose, really didn’t have anything to do with Elena, or even with love for that matter.  Damon did what he did, because he cared about Rose as a friend, and because it was . . . wait for it . . . the right thing to do.  In fact, when he had the opportunity to tell Elena about it, when she comforted him later in the episode, he chose not too, because, as he said, it had nothing to do with Elena or his love for her.

Elena can be dense sometimes, but even she recognizes a selfless gesture when she sees one.  And this gesture of Damon’s is starting to make Elena feel all tingly in her pants.  You can see her face flush, and breathing quicken, even though it is dark.  As much as Elena “loves” Stefan, I don’t recall a time where she ever seemed this incontrovertibly turned on by his mere presence and the sound of his voice.

“Why don’t you let people see the good in you?”  Elena muses.

I love what Damon said here . . .  “When people see good, they expect good.  And I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s expectations.”

Those two sentences explain so much about who Damon is, and why he behaves the way he does.  In the same way Rebekah craves affection, Damon fears rejection.  And why not?  In a way, he’s been rejected all his life . . . by his father . . . by his brother . . . by the women he loves.  So, rather than put himself out there, and risk being rejected again, Damon turns inward.  He pretends to be cold and heartless, because it’s easier that way.  Because if people saw how truly large his heart was, they might toy with it, and break it.  And he’s simply not ready to bear the brunt of that pain for another eternity.

Of course, we have seen Damon show his goodness to many people . . . people he loves and cares about . . . like Stefan, Elena, Alaric, and Rose.  But he always does so with a caveat.  “I don’t do GOOD,” he tells them all . . . a pleading refrain.

When what he really means is, “Please don’t break my heart again.”

Elena understands all this instinctively, which is why she’s now so incredibly hot for Damon, she can’t breathe.   She turns her body toward the ceiling, mimicking his earlier gesture, but not before she reaches for his hand . . . What starts as a gesture of solidarity and understanding, becomes something much more . . . intense.  Seconds later, these two are having some serious Hand Sex.  There’s rubbing, massaging, groping and fondling.  Put it this way, if these were any other body parts, aside from fingers, this scene would be rated NC-17.

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Can you blame Elena for needing to go outside for some “air?”  And, more importantly, can you blame Damon for following her?  He knows a turned on hot tottie when he sees one!

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 By the time Damon approaches Elena, she’s literally gasping for breath.  She can’t resist any longer.  She grabs him, and kisses him intensely.  He throws her against the wall of the dirty motel passionately, as he kisses her chest and neck . . . there is not a single erogenous zone left untouched.  (Well . . . maybe ONE erogenous zone.)  She’s moaning, he’s panting.  It’s the dry hump of all dry humps.  And it is awesome.  And for one brief minute, the world is a perfect SEXY place.

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And then Cockblock Jeremy comes and ruins it all . . .

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Apparently, Rose has found Scary Mary in Texas, or wherever.  Who cares?  I want more Delena Almost Sex!  I’ve waited THREE SEASONS FOR THIS, DAMMIT!  Let’s relive it, shall we?

Where’s Fake Friend Kol when you need him?

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Vampire Hoarders – Scary Mary Edition

All sexual frustration aside, you know what?  I’m kind of disappointed that we never got to meet Scary Mary.  I mean, if DAMON thought she was creepy,  she must have really been a piece of work.  And yet, not creepy enough for our Bad Boy Vamp not to screw her in the past.

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That IS pretty Scary . . . Mary . . . 

“I said she was creepy, not ugly,” Damon quips, as Damon and Elena wander her haunted farmhouse of freakishness.  (They made Jeremy wait outside.  “Why so you two can make out more?”  Jeremy griped.  WE WISH!)

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Don’t mind if we do  . . .

Of course, Kol killed Scary Mary, before they got there.  Now, not only will we never get to meet Scary Mary.  We aren’t going to find out which Original sired her . . . probably for another season or so.  Maybe I’m exaggerating.  But I’m starting to think not.  Kol starts beating Damon up again.  Because it seems that poor Damon can’t go two episodes without getting torture or a beat down.  That’s just the price you pay for being a stud, I guess.

On a shippers note, I did love how both Elena and Damon put themselves in harms way to protect their makeout buddies.  “Don’t you touch her,” Damon growled, thereby causing my panties to drop again for about the 80th time this hour.

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But be wary, Delena fans.  Angst is-a comin . . .

In which Elena screws everything up (AGAIN),  but Rose gives us hope . . .

Outside Scary Mary’s house, Damon and Elena fondle one another’s wounds, as we know they LOOOOVE to do with one another.

But Damon makes the mistake of asking Elena what her sudden change of behavior is all about.  “Stefan thinks I have feelings for you,” Elena mumbles pathetically.

“Do you?” Damon asks stupidly?

(Really Damon?  You have to ask.  I mean, did you WATCH that hotel scene?)

“I don’t know,” replies Elena.

(AGRRRRHHHHH!  These people are killing me!)

Then, Elena has to go be all b*tchy, and admit that part of her was hoping that Damon would sabotage their makeout session, so Elena wouldn’t have to face the fact that she’s in love with someone who isn’t SAINT Stefan.

As frustrating as this scene was, I have to say, I was super proud of Damon for staunchly refusing to behave badl, thereby giving Elena an excuse to deny her feelings, and go running back to Stefan again.  Things may have ended badly between Damon and Elena, this week.  But I think, overall, it was a positive thing that Damon held his ground and leveled the playing field.  It’s about time, Elena chose a Salvatore once and for all, based on her true feelings, and not on some lame technicality . . .

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On the car ride home, Ghost Rose whispers in Jeremy’s ear that Damon and Elena had a fight, which is why they are now not talking, whereas, prior to this, they were eating one another’s faces.  (Well, THANKYOU, Captain Obvious!  And here, I thought they had just caught a bad case of mono / bronchitus, from all that kissing they were doing earlier.)

But like I said, I can’t bash Rose any more . . . especially not when she assumes the voice of the entire Delena fandom, by explaining why exactly, Stefan is the “safe” choice for Elena (because Rippers are SUPER safe), while Damon is the SEXY choice.  “She makes him a better person.  But he changes her too,” she explains surprisingly eloquently.  Damon challenges [Elena].  He makes her question her beliefs.  He is either the best thing for her or the worst.”

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Well, I’m going to go with THE BEST . . . but, other than that, I really couldn’t have said it myself.  I never thought I’d say this, but THANK YOU, Rose.  Thanks a lot.  (And, hey, if you ever want a side career, in TV recapping, you know who to call . . .)

Welcome back, Psycho Killer!

Back in Psycho Killer rehab, Alaric has woken up from his neckbreaking still himself . . . unfortunately.  Now, Stefan has to resort to beating Good Alaric up, in order to get Bad Alaric to come out and play.  Alaric even removes his ring, to raise the stakes.  It’s a surprisingly unpleasant scene, with Alaric bleeding everywhere, and Stefan desperately trying to fight the bloodlust he NEEDS to make this happen.

Eventually, Psycho!Alaric does appear.  And he starts flinging insults at Stefan like it’s his job.  “You’re pathetic,” he sneers.  “You’re nothing,” etc. etc.

But Psycho!Alaric isn’t all that smart, apparently, because it only takes him about two minutes to reveal that he hid the stake in the cave “where no vampire can get it.”  (Seriously, what’s with these people and caves?  Doesn’t anyone in Mystic Falls like to hang out above ground anymore?)

Of course, by the time Stefan and Psycho!Alaric arrive upstairs, Klaus and Rebekah are already waiting for them.  “Rebekah” gallantly offers to escort Psycho!Alaric to the cave, so Klaus can flirt some more with Stefan.  Honestly, Klaus has such a big boner for Stefan it’s not even funny.  It makes his boner for Caroline, look like . . . well . . .a handdrawn picture of a pony.  “I want my friend back,” Klaus gripes.

But Stefan isn’t about to be won over so easily this time.  He’s accepted his Ripperness, dagnamit!  And now NO ONE can control him . . . well . . . except for maybe Elena . . . boyfriend is TOTALLY whipped.

Here comes the TWIST . . .

Meanwhile, over in the caves, Psycho!Alaric, knowing he’s in grave danger of an Original Ass-Whipping / Cave Murder, tries to strike a deal with Klaus Barbie, before he crosses the threshhold back to where vampires CAN travel.  “Only one Original has to die,” he pleads.  “Help me, and I’ll make sure it’s not you.”

A fair enough proposal, but Rebekah isn’t having it . . . as she Boldly Goes into the Cave Where No Vampire Has Gone Before.  You see . . . because Rebekah isn’t a vampire anymore . . . She isn’t even Rebekah, anymore.  She’s MAMA “I WANT ALL VAMPIRES TO DIE” Esther  . . . .

. . . who’s currently borrowing her daughter’s body, like I used to borrow my best friend’s clothing in junior high.  (Her body fits better though . . . My best friend was WAY TOO TALL for me to fit in her pants.)

I smell an ALLIANCE OF EVIL . . .

And that was “Heart of Darkness” in a nutshell . . . next week we get another Deadly Decade Dance.  You can check out the Extended Promo, and a sneak peek here . . . (I’d give you the Canadian one too, if I could find it . . .)

Until next time, my fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

You Better Knock on Wood! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Murder of One”

“Hey Rebekah, would you mind if we finish reenacting your favorite scene from Fifty Shades of Grey, later?  I kind of have to pee.” 

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Our favorite vampire show has become quite the merciless tease, hasn’t it?

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The promos promised us Open Season on Originals . . . a veritable Vampire Bloodbath . . . our heros, armed with more stakes than they had targets. “The odds ever in their favor.”

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What we got was one lowly kill, of a character who’s claim to fame was literally being a Creepy Mama’s Boy.  Also, dude couldn’t fight worth a sh*t.  (Let’s face it, my grandma would have put up more of a fight than Finn did.)  Then again, in his defense, if you had spent the last 900 years napping, you’d probably be a bit off your game too.

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Additionally, the promos promised us intensely erotic Delena kisses.

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What we got was a Dream Sequence . . .

. . . oldest trick in the book . . . And yet, I manage to fall for it Every Single Time.

Shame on me.

Petty frustrations aside, there WAS definitely some fun to be had during “The Murder of One.”  For starters, we were treated to a rather clever twist on the concept of “Vampire Family.”  (So, which Original do you think sired Rose?)

Mommy? 

In related news, our Scooby Gang reached new levels of stupidity, when it willing ARMED the serial killer . . . again.  (They really would have been better off hiding the stake in the soapdish . . .)

So, stroke . . . er . . . I mean sharpen your woody . . . and chain up your half-naked pet vampire.  Because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

(As always, special thanks to my expert screencapper, Andre for the filled with awesomesauce screencaps you see here.)

“Shhh . . . be very, very quiet.  We’re hunting Originals.”

“Elena, please stop hounding me for sex.  You are starting to sound a little desperate.” 

Truth be told, Damon is acting a little cagey, when Elena pops by the site of Alaric’s “house arrest,” to drop off the latter’s Breakfast of Psycho Killer Champions.  The dark-haired vampire seems unusually eager for the love of his life to leave.  In fact, he pretty blatantly rebuffs her attempts to cross the threshhold into the apartment.

(And we all know how much Damon and Elena generally enjoy their bedroom rendezvous.)

Something is definitely UP, but what could it be?

Perhaps, Bad!Alaric has gone on a rampage, and destroyed the house?  Or, maybe the two bromantic buddies are having a dance-off.  Maybe, Damon and Alaric are watching a Lifetime movie together.  And they have just reached the part where Tori Spelling finally escapes her wife beating-shrew of a husband, and finds her way into the waiting arms of the mildly attractive B-list actor, who loved her all along . . .

“Funny . . . I always thought the most dangerous weapon in the world was in my pants . . .” 

It isn’t until after Damon closes the door in Elena’s face, that we find out what he’s really hiding . . . It’s his morning wood . . .-en stakes, that is.  That’s right, boys and girls!  It turns out that Psycho Killer Alaric Saltzman is a whiz with a buzz saw!  (Take that, crazy family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.) 

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And Damon?  Well, he can whittle like nobody’s business!  Their Herculean efforts (combined with Stefan’s griping and complaining about his wood not being sufficiently erect) turn an old lame wooden bridge sign, into no less than TWELVE lean, mean, Originals- killing machines . . .  (Though part of me thinks they could have had more, if they made them a little smaller.  Silly men – always so preoccupied with the size of their sticks . . .)

Then, because five whole minutes have passed in the episode without anyone having done anything stupid, Damon and Stefan convince Psycho!Alaric to not only NOT turn himself in to the cops, but also to wear his “Jamaican Me Crazy” ring, for sh*ts and giggles.  Then . . . they actually GIVE this lunatic a stake!!!  Can you believe it?

Speaking of Psycho!Alaric, Elena tells Caroline that she should TOTALLY forgive him for murdering her father.  After all, it’s not his fault that he has REALLY bad taste in jewelry!

“It could be worse, he could have a Jamaican Me Crazy Nipple Ring . . .” 

Just like it’s not Caroline’s fault that she used to sometimes drink her favorite B Positive Blood from peoples’ necks, instead of using a straw, like the rest of us . . .

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After all, everybody knows that if Elena chose to turn her back on her friends and lovers JUST because they were serial killers, she wouldn’t have any friends at all!  (Plus, she’d pretty much never, ever get laid.)

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Caroline is super impressed by Elena’s Mother Theresa-esque attitude toward supernatural murderers.  So, she vows to be more tolerant of her father’s stake-wielding, cold blooded killer, in the future.  All  together now: Awwwww!

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As it turns out, Elena and Caroline aren’t just frolicking in the woods for their health.  They have a date with destiny!  Stefan has gathered the entire Scooby Gang . . . and Matt . . . in order to indoctrinate them into Team Kill Originals.

“No, Damon!  Everytime you make us play shirts versus skins, Vampire Killers, you always make us be skins.  It’s not fair!” 

“I can take off my pants, if that helps.  (I’m not wearing any underwear.)” 

And why shouldn’t everyone get to play?  There are plenty of stakes to go around!  Plus, since Mommy Original Witch’s spell has succesfully linked the family’s lives together, all the group needs to do is manage to kill ONE Original, and the rest of them will die shortly thereafter.

Now, surely, this stalwart crew of monsters, murderers and  . . Matt . . . can manage to kill one measley vampire, right?

Well . . .

On one hand, I adored the lighthearted nature of this “training” scene.  I smirked when Elena got to “roleplay” Klaus.  And I smiled again, when Caroline, (a.k.a. Klaus Bait) got to roleplay Rebekah.  My only gripe with this scene was that I thought there should have been a whole lot less planning, and a whole lot more .  . . STABBING of things.  Just sayin.’

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Finn Mikaelson . . . you are The Weakest Link.

Little does the Scooby Gang know that an Originals-Killing opportunity is closer at hand, than they think.  As it turns out, The World’s Most Self-Loathing Vampire (though, it could be argued that his vampire-eating, father hated himself more), did not actually leave town, as initially suspected.  In fact, he’s wandering around the Mystic Falls’ town square, RIGHT NOW.  It is here, where brother and sister dearest, Klaus and Rebekah corner him, and drag him back to their family lair.

“Check out those pects!  Have you been working out?” 

But Klaus and Rebekah are no dummies.  They know, full well, that they can catch more flies with honey, than with Finn-egar.   (See what I did there?)  Knowing that Finn will not guard his  life, to save his own siblings, they opt to offer him another reason to live  .  . . a.k.a. his lover girl, Sage . . . the boxing mind raper.  (Well, we all know who wore the pants in THAT relationship.)

Personally, my impression of Finn has always been that the only woman he’s ever dreamed about being horizontal with, is the one who breast fed him.  But hey, at least cares enough about Sage to put off whacking himself, long enough to accompany her to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls for some bottom shelf tequila.  Ahhh, true love!

“He always shouted out, ‘Mommy,’ whenever we had sex.  I thought it was a cute pet name . . . until that time, when his mother tried to climb into bed with us  . . .”

Well, hello, there, Bondage Damon!

Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Alaric (Wait . . . they are letting the Psycho Killer out of the house now?  What happened to house arrest?)  . . .

Then again, maybe some fresh air wouldn’t hurt . . .

 . . . are busy hiding their Originals-killing stakes.  When Damon decides to hide his in the fire kindling, Alaric hilariously reminds him of the “Moonstone in the Soapdish” incident.  Crazy Train is right, Damon.

Hiding valuable objects in plain sight might not be the best idea, in this instance.  . .

Unfortunately, Damon is about to have bigger problems than merely choosing a poor hiding place for his surrogate weiner.  Suddenly, Alaric has been knocked out cold, by an unseen force.

Alaric: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Alaric’s alter ego: “Suck it up, loser!  We’ve got people to kill!” 

Next thing you know, Damon is being staked in the gut, to the point of unconsciousness.  “Hello, lover,” coos Rebekah, as she drags her “ex boyfriend” out of the house.  Well, that’s one way to let a guy know you are interested . . .

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This is another . . . 

Sometime during the commercial break, Rebekah, the sadist – who was none too happy to learn that Damon had used her body for sex, and then mind-raped her too boot (I don’t know, sounds like a pretty great time to me) has taken the opportunity to chain Damon to her ceiling.

Now, that’s a lot of heavy hardware to have just “lying around” your new mansion.  In fact, it made me wonder where one goes to purchase such a contraption.  (Something tells me an S&M sex shop wouldn’t do particularly good business in an old-fashioned town, like Mystic Falls.  Then again, considering about ¾ of the people we’ve met who live there are bloodthirsty vampires, witches, and werewolves, perhaps some intrepid entrepreneur capitalized on what he saw as a good business opportunity.)

Question, fangbangers:  Does the fact that I was turned on by the sight of an open-shirted Damon chained to the ceiling make me a bad person?  I strongly suspect that it does.  Then again, unless this is the first recap of mine that you are reading, you probably already knew I was a bad person, anyway, and have decided to withhold judgment against me for it.  So, thank you for that.

You know what’s nifty about the Salvatores?   (Yes, I just used the word “nifty.”  1954 has been calling me ever since I typed it, asking that I return the word to its proper decade.)  They even bleed pretty.  Back in “As I Lay Dying” the makeup department did a pretty awesome job  of making the gorgeous Ian Somerhalder genuinely look like a sickly vampire, mere moments away from suffering the True Death.

But this time, Bondage Damon just looked like a gogo dancer at an S&M themed strip joint . . . one who’d been splattered with red body paint to accentuate his perfectly muscled abs.

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Klaus must have noticed this too.  Upon seeing Damon Salvatore, The Extra Large Christmas Tree Ornament Version, he suggested that Rebekah HANG HIM UPSIDE DOWN.  Now, that is something I would have liked to have seen!  (I suspect Ian and his agents would likely have disagreed to that though.)  The implied method to Klaus’ awesomeness madness is that an upside down Damon can be bled for vervain much faster than one that is right side up, which would make him a quicker candidate for compulsion.

Rebekah balked at the idea . . . not necessarily because it was a bad one . . . but, more so because it was Klaus’ idea.  And Rebekah can torture her ex boyfriends just fine, without his help, thank you very much.  Also, I suspect, based that Rebekah was much more interested in torturing Damon and making him bleed, than actually .  . . oh, I don’t know . . . making him do something useful for the Original’s cause.  Such motivation (or lack thereof) is kind of consistent with who Rebekah is as a character, I think.  She’s never really been one to concern herself with mundane things like “goals, plans, and  . . . logic.”

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In other words, it’s all “id” all the time, for this chick . . .

Mystic Falls, we have a problem . . .

Unlike Bonnie, who never seems to pick up her cell phone, or return anyone’s calls (It looks like someone got a bad cell phone plan at Witchmart), Damon is usually rather chatty.

So, when Alaric has no clue where Damon has gone, and the latter is not answering his phone, Stefan knows that something is drastically wrong.  He tells Elena to hold off on staking Finn in the town square, because the Team is in trouble.

Upon hearing about that Damon might have been captured by the enemy, Elena immediately campaigns for a rescue mission.  “Please Stefan,” she says “Rescue your brother, because I strongly suspect he is half naked, and, back when you were chained to a ceiling half-naked by older vampires, he dropped everything to go out in the rain and rescue you.   Also, I’m in love with the guy, and would very much like to bone him” Elena says (more or less).

Stefan replies, “Meh, maybe later.  Killing Originals is wayyyy more important than my brother’s life. He’ll understand” (failing to realize, of course, that because Damon has been captured BY AN ORIGINAL, this would be an excellent opportunity to kill two birds with one stake.)”

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*clears throat*

Elena pouts in frustration.  But will she defy her exes instrustions to rescue his brother?  Only time will tell . . .

Damn you, promo makers.  DAMN YOU!

Rebekah may not be her brother’s equal, when it comes to Concocting Plans of World Domination / Vampire vervain draining, but she can definitely hold her own, when it comes to psychological torture.  Later on in the episode, we see a fully drained and rather pale Damon, still chained alone in the grand hall area, when a “mysterious female figure” approaches him.  It’s “Elena.”  “Elena” looks at Damon with obvious concern, as he weakly motions for her to free him from his chains.

“If you wanted to be kinky, Damon, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs would have been much cheaper.”

Damon’s body collapses into Elena’s, as the two stumble dramatically toward the exit, calling to mind a similar situation that occurred back in “As I Laying Dying.”  But Damon is too weak from loss of blood, and he falls to the floor, zapped of strength.  “I’m not leaving you,” Elena says heroically, cupping her lover’s face in her hands, as she offers him her wrist.  “Drink, she says.”

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And drink he does.  It’s so sweet and erotic, that you really can’t blame the pair for wanting to make out, afterwards, despite the fact that they are minutes away from being discovered and killed by ORIGINAL VAMPIRES.  (What can you do?  The tongue wants what it wants.)

Then, Damon awakens to a triumphant looking Rebekah, who clearly planned the entire hallucination.

Well . . . that BITES! I throw my shoe at the television, in disgust . . .

 Between a Rock and a Klaus Place

Damon may not be having the best day, but it might give him comfort to know he isn’t the only Team Scooby, who’s stuck being an Original’s b*tch, this week.  Klaus has Bonnie, who he has been holding under duress to perform the spell that will unlink the Original siblings lives.  When Bonnie claims not to know any such spell, Klaus threatens Jeremy’s life (via Kol, who’s secretly watching the future serial killer), and the life of her errant mother.

This recap has been brought to you by Apple iPhone . . . 

Suddenly, Bonnie’s memory returns to her.  (It’s a miracle!)  She mumbles a bit over the blood of the Originals, and it starts to escape in separate directions.  And, just like that, the spell has been completed.  Well, that was easy . . .

How many friggin candles does this chick have?  Seriously, she must light about 30 in every episode.  And they are always these boring white ones too.  A little color wouldn’t hurt, ya know?

On the way out of Klaus House, Bonnie catches sight of Bondage Damon, and opts to leave him there rotting, when Klaus reminds her of what he did to her sorry excuse for a mother.

Clearly, someone hasn’t been attending the Elena Gilbert School of Supernatural Forgiveness.   Once Bonnie is outside the house, she calls Elena to let her know that Klaus still has her lover boy.

After that, the stresses of the day overtake Bonnie, and she cries until snot pours out of her nose . . . literally.  I guess this means that snot and tears are the new nosebleed.  Look on the bright side Bonnie, it will save you a lot of money on dry cleaning.  And hey, life could be worse: SOMEONE COULD HAVE LEFT YOU CHAINED TO THE CEILING, HALF NAKED, AND ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!

The Wild and Wacky World of Vampire Genetics

It’s too bad the Scooby Gang doesn’t watch The Vampire Diaries.  If they did, they would have known about the whole separation spell having already been completed.  It would have saved them a stake . . .

Over at The Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, lovebirds, Sage and Finn, are enjoying shots of tequila.  Apparently, the 1,000ish year old Finn was a “tequila virgin,” up until this point.  (Yikes.  What a way to live!  No wonder he was always wanting to die!)

“The more of these I drink, the more you look like my mother.” 

A few shots later, Finn has decided to save his own life . .  . which, of course, means he’s about to get shanked . . .  That’s just how this show works. But before Finn can be killed, we have to endure a discussion between Finn and Sage about how many people they’ve each turned.  Finn seems to suggest he turned ONLY Sage, and did so out of loooooooove.

Sage, on the other hand, was a vampire-turning slut, converting humans left and right, whenever the mood hit her.  She even recently turned some dude in the bar, on the way to the bathroom . . .

With the help of Plot Device Matt, Stefan slips some vervain into Sage’s and Finn’s tequila.  When they go outside to investigate.  Stefan stakes Finn, and he goes kablooey.  Sage cries, and snots, like Bonnie did earlier.

“Listen honey, I know you’re hot for me, but this is just ridiculous.” 

And Stefan leaves, triumphant, thinking he’s just killed Klaus.  Sucks to be him . . . But hey, it could be worse, he could be CHAINED TO THE CEILING HALF NAKED . . . or . . . even worse than that . . . he could be Finn . . .

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila . . . floor.” 

Who will save YOUR soul?

When Stefan learns from Elena, via Bonnie, that Klaus is not-so-much-dead, he’s furious, and finally ready to retrieve his brother, so that he can personally kill Klaus.  (Well, it’s about damn time!)  Shortly thereafter, Sage arrives to avenge her loverboy Finn’s death, along with that random vampire she turned in the bar.  Fortunately, for Stefan, the pair start coughing up blood, and die,  before they can do any real damage.

This looks like the before picture in a Botox commercial. 

Maybe she died of a broken heart, mused Caroline “B Positive” Forbes, who was there for moral support.  Nahh, if vampires could die of a broken heart, all the vampires on this show would have been dead a long time ago . . .

Eventually, Elena and Caroline figure out the “loophole” to their little plan.  Apparently, when an Original dies, he takes his entire bloodline along with him.  Well, hello BIG TWIST!

Of course, this means that ONE of the Original’s holds the key to the Salvatore Brothers’ and Caroline’s mortality.  After all, these three vampires come from the same “bloodline.”  Damon’s blood turned Caroline.  Katherine’s blood turned Stefan and Damon.  And Rose’s blood turned Katherine.

The question is . . . which Original turned Rose?   Because that’s the one our Scooby Gang can’t kill.  Personally, my money’s on Elijah, the Original, who’s continued existence for all eternity is the least likely to have a negative impact on the Salvatore Brother’s lives.  (If you recall, both Rose and Trevor were working for Elijah, during their first appearance on the show.)  This also gives Daniel Gillies, a “get back on the show” free card for the rest of the program’s run, which makes me very happy.

In other news, Tyler clearly comes from Klaus’ bloodline, which kinda sucks for Caroline, who’s pretty much destined to lose two love interests in a single episode.  But hey, at least she’s not CHAINED TO A CEILING, HALF NAKED. 🙂  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

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Meanwhile, over at Klaus House, Stefan comes to rescue Damon.  “This went much differently in my head,” the Elder Salvatore brother jokes.

It went differently in my head too . . .

Stefan admits to killing Finn, and offers to make a deal with the Devil.  Eight Original Killing Stakes in exchange for Damon.  (Sounds like a good deal to me!)

But Klaus is smarter than I am, and knows there must be more than eight stakes left over.  So, he evilly compels Damon to try to break free from his chains, causing the poor guy excruciating pain . . . scratch that  . . . MORE excruciating pain.

Someone needs a nap . . . 

It really has not been a good episode for Damon.  Has it?  He then compels Damon to tell him the actual number of stakes remaining, which, as we know, is eleven (since the stake in Finn is gone, gone, gone).

Interestingly enough, it’s actually scorned lady Rebekah, who ultimately shows Damon mercy, offering up Damon’s freedom as a sign of good faith, while Stefan retrieves the remaining stakes, and brings them back to Klaus.  Drats, foiled again, Scooby Gang.  But hey, look on the bright side, Klaus might end up being your “daddy,” and then you’ll be glad you didn’t kill him / commit suicide.

Heart-to-Bloody Heart

In the aftermath of this twist of fate in Kill Klaus games, Rebekah balks at Klaus’ complete inability to mourn his brother’s passing.  Klaus calls Finn pathetic, and better off dead.  (Well, we certainly won’t be having HIM speak at the funeral.)  Rebekah notes sadly that, for all their manipulations the Salvatore brothers are willing to  risk their lives for one another, whereas the Mikaelsons only seem to give two craps about one another, when they are magically linked.

Klaus pouts,  promising Rebekah that he will make his own family, who are magically inclined to love him, no matter how many people he kills, or cheesy horse pictures he draws.  That’s the spirit Klaus!  Everyone knows there’s no better friend than a love slave . . .

Speaking of love slaves, Stefan’s kind of bummed that he can no longer focus all his life energy on killing Klaus, anymore.  This means, he’ll have to finally cope with what a douchenozzle he’s been to everybody this season.  That makes Stefan sad.

Stefan is also finally going to have to cope with the consequences of his recent actions . . . and one consequence in particular . . . the fact that his departure paved the way for Elena to fall in love with Damon.

“Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t feel something for him,” says Stefan solemnly to his lady love.

Elena claims she doesn’t know what she feels.  But everyone else in Mystic Falls does . . .

Bad!Alaric strikes again.

Earlier on in the episode, Caroline had an awkward, “It’s OK that you killed my dad,” conversation with Alaric, who was supposedly “cured” from being a serial killer by some of Bonnie’s magic “Serial Killer Be Gone” soup.

“It’s OK, Alaric.  My father will always live on in my memories.  We shared so many good times together.” 

During that conversation she talked about the folks that she killed, back when she first turned vamp . . . like that random high school kid Connor, and her mom’s police boy partner . . . “We all have blood on our hands,” Caroline mused. sympathetically.

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?” 

But Alaric’s got bigger problems now than “blood on his hands.”  He’s also still got psychopath on the BRAIN.  (Bonnie Soup = FAIL!)  Alaric comes to THIS painful realization, when Damon comes to collect his Originals killing stake, and Alaric learns that he’s stolen it . . . from himself.  (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?)

Maybe it’s hidden in your Chunky Monkey. 

Two weeks from now, on TVD, Elena will finally admit her feelings for Damon on a Vampire Road Trup.  Then, the two will share a bed together, and have “finger sex.”  *sigh*

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(This better not be another dream sequence, or someone’s going to get a stake up their ass, courtesy of one very angry TV Recapper.)

Dead Rose will also appear, thanks to Ghost Whisperer/ Future Psycho Killer Jeremy.  In other news, Tyler’s back.  And he’s wasted no time reuniting his tongue with Caroline’s.

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But is he still Gay for Klaus?  Only time will tell . . .You can check out the trailer for that episode here:

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Get OUT of my HEAD! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Break on Through”

[Note:  The recap for “Murder of One is on it’s way!  Be sure to check back for it, within the next 24 hours.  It should be available no later than early Saturday morning, March 31.  Thanks for your patience!]

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Hey there, Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, Alaric hopped aboard the Crazy Train.  Both Damon and Rebekah learned the hard way why you should never let a 900-year old vampire touch your . . . head . . . in bed.  Bonnie rejoined the I Have Sh*tty Parents Club, membership: every single character on this show.  Stefan moved one step closer to becoming a “Social Drinker.”  And Elena . . . did a lot of pouting?  So, choke down a nice tall glass of “B Positive,” because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

“We are predators, not puppies.”

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Don’t you just hate it, when you are getting an MRI, and the mirror image above your head starts TOTALLY eye-f*cking you . . . but you can’t look away, because the technician running the machine told you not to move?  Alaric can relate . . .

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“Hey sexy, what’s shaking?  Whaddya say, after this we go hit up the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, have a few drinks together and make some bad decisions.”

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“Well, that depends .  . . are YOU buying?”

While Alaric is busy being hit on by his Psycho Killer alter ego, Elena wonders out loud how Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith figured out that Alaric’s predilection for Man Jewelry was turning him evil.  (“Is there like a course for that in med school?”)  Meredith claims she learned this information from an old childhood story, regarding her ancestors.  “Fells are notorious busy bodies,” she jokes lamely . . . which, if you think about it, is exactly what got Vampire Journalist Logan Fell killed . . . and is probably what will ultimately kill Meredith/ Crazy Nanny Carrie.  (You know the famous saying, “Curiosity killed the Fell!”)

The CAT scan comes out normal, thereby proving that Alaric’s “Bad Seed” problem is a purely supernatural one.  It’s time to ditch the Man Jewelry, I guess!  Alaric gives the odious ring to Elena.  (Somewhere off screen, that Smeagol guy from Lord of the Rings, looks on with lust.)

“Don’t worry, Alaric!  Smeagol will take that Man Jewelry off your hands . . .”

Then, Damon magically appears to collect Alaric, and continue his three-season long foreplay with Elena.  Remember last week, when Elena caught the Salvatores chowing down at the “All Blonde Chick Buffet?”  Well, apparently, so does Elena.  And she uses it as the perfect opportunity to get under Damon’s skin . . .

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 . . . nevermind the fact that her guardian and her brother are still on a One-Way trip to Wacky Serial Killer Town.

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Apparently, Elena doesn’t think Damon is the best “Role Model,” when it comes to healthy neck eating habits.  All these different women!  Poor Steffie will get indigestion!  Instead, Elena suggests the “All Elena’s Arm” starvation diet . . . you know, because that worked SO WELL, last time . . .

Damon decides to lay down the law with Elena . . .

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“Hey!  What’s wrong with puppies aside from the fact that Stefan used to eat them?”

Deep down, both Damon and Elena know that, when it comes to Stefan, neither total abstinence, nor little nips of Doppelganger flesh, are long-term solutions to Stefan’s century long problem.  He needs yummy bags of Soccer Mom . . . and the occasional cute college co-ed!  He needs to go back to his vampire roots.  And most importantly, Stefan needs to learn a little self-control . . . which might have the unintended consequence of making him better in bed .  . . not as good as Damon, of course.  But better . . .

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Oh, I don’t know Elena . . . Damon has spent three seasons, doing this . . .

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  . . . and this . . .

 . . . and this . . .

 .  . . without jumping YOUR bones . . .

I think it’s safe to say he knows a thing or two about “self control.”

Speaking of self-control . . .

“B Positive!”

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Over at the Bennett Farm, Caroline is taking on the role of Nu-Stefan, in an attempt to make Abby a slightly less crappy vampire than she is a mother to Bonnie.  Truth be told, there probably isn’t enough “B positive” in the world, to make Mama Bennett smile . . . especially now that she can’t flirt with and fondle the local plant life, anymore . .  .

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“Oh, Pink Flower, your stamen is SOOOO big, it TOTALLY turns me on!”

(This reminds me .  . . I forgot to water my cactus, this year.)

Meanwhile, over at the Wickory Bridge, Damon gets to reunite with not one, but TWO of his 900 +-year old sex partners.

 (I guess he has a thing for older women . . . and, of course, much, much younger ones . . .)

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Hot for Teacher . . .

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 I guess Mystic Falls has finally decided t